Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Wainscotting, Entrée PeeE Neur & Italiano Jones (David Wain, Ego Nwodim, Carl Tart)

Episode Date: September 25, 2025

It’s Medical Police week on Comedy Bang! Bang! Medical Police co-creator/co-director David Wain rushes his way from a pizzeria and joins Scott to talk all about the Children's Hospital spin-off now available on Netflix. Then, Entrée PeeE Neur returns to pitch some new inventions. Later, lawyer Italiano Jones drops by to prove that he will fight for you. (Originally released as episode 634 on 01/12/2020) Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, everyone. Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang where we re-release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall. This week, we're kicking off a new series. Very exciting when we kick off a new series. Always a special time here at Comedy Bang Bang. And this series features a wonderful character played by Carl Tarts. That's right, Italiano Jones. Italian Jones. Now, this week's episode is titled Wayne Scotting, Antre P. Neuer, and Italiano Jones. It was originally released January 12th, 2020, as episode 634. This is the first appearance of Italiano Jones in the Comedy Bang Bang Universe, aka the CBBU. Now, this episode also features David Wayne as the A-Block guest. He was promoting his series Medical Police at the time, which, of course, went on because of his appearance on here to be the most well-known

and lauded and respected comedy series of all time. We also have Ego Wodham from Saturday Night Live as Antre P. Neuer. Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com. We have all of the past episodes

from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents. Scott hasn't seen. and Entree Pino's Entrepreneur Tour. Now, if you're a big Italiano Jones fan, you can also order the Italiano Jones action figure along with the Entre P. Neuer Action Figure

at shop.figurecollections.com and we also have all the other great comedy bang bang action figures, Carissa, Randy Snuts. You can even get, should you be so inclined, an action figure of me and do whatever you want with it, I don't really get, just don't tell me about what you're doing with it. You can also go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases, we're going to be back Monday with the new episode of Comedy Bang Bang,

but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Coma Z, Bang, Bain, Comedy Bac Bacan, Comedy Bacan, Comed Bac Bac Bac. Bros before Ho's, except after C, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Uh-huh, thank you to Alan P. Williams for that wonderful catchphrase submission, and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. And what a week it is, let me just tell you what we have on tap this week. This is Medical Police Week. That's right, two episodes,

with the stars and create, well, I don't even know if that's his title, but at least a producer on it of medical police, the hot new Netflix content. We will be having a bonus episode this week with the stars. But before we get to that, we have an episode today that you're listening to right now with the, I don't even know if he's the creator. We'll cover all of this coming up. But a little bit later, we have a small business owner and we also have a lawyer we'll be talking to. But I hyped him so hard just moments ago. I believe he's the creator of this show, but I could be very wrong. All evidence points to him being some sort of executive producer of the show, but I could be way off base.

By gum, I think he might have directed an episode or two. but he might be too busy for that. But welcome him back to the show. It's another episode of Wayne Scotting. That's right. David Wayne is back on the show. Hello, David. Scott, it's great to be here.

I know. I'm telling you the hype that you lay down before I come on makes me feel like I'm in a zone of acceptance by your audience. Yes. I could be okay. This bubble extends outward to our entire audience. And they are just welcoming you. It's almost like a warm embrace. It's like a tender loving hug, which I know we're not supposed to do in Hollywood these days.

But I think that that's what we should do right now, you and me. But I don't want to break Hollywood's rules. Come on. Just hug me. I think maybe in a year it'll be cool. No, come here. Oh, God. I forgot how good you are at hugging.

There we are. Now I remember. Yep. Speaking of memory, I have to tell you. Great segue. We were sitting here in the, just to get, I'd like to give your audience a little slice if I could, and I think they would appreciate it. So I'm going to do it. Look, when I go to New York, I get a slice.

Why shouldn't you give our audience a slice? Am I right? This is what I'm talking. Now, that's the, anyway, we come into the studio to do the show. And what people don't know, maybe who listen to the podcast, but aren't part of the inner circle. Yeah, the inner sanctum. You show up at the, at where the studio is. A prescribed time and a prescribed place.

Certainly those two elements are there. Without the time and place, there's no way I would have been here right now. How would you have even have known? And you come in and you're sitting at this, it's a table with microphones. People have probably seen photos of it if you're a fan of the show. If you're a fan of the show, you may have been on some website that is shown a single photograph, if not two. Or maybe you've been on the show if you're also on the show. Sure.

Yes. Open door policy. If you just start listening to the show with the best ofs, we have an open door policy here. Anyone can come in and be on the show. But you can come into this environment. Maybe you've had a bad day. Maybe you're tired. I, for example, have a very, very bad flu.

The influenza? Yeah. And I also have a heart, a heart. You're having a heart attack? I'm having a heart attack. You're having a heart attack right now? I had it probably 20 minutes ago. Do we need to call someone?

No, no. There's an ambulance outside. I asked them to stop because I had the appointment to do the show. Do they charge you more while you keep them waiting? I don't know that I get the bill because it's always so much later and then I always usually have my lawyer look at it first. Oh, and you've skipped out. Yeah, and I say give it to my publicists and all that.

Oh, okay, the whole runaround. So I'm sorry. So are you in pain at all? Yeah, a lot of pain. Oh. They're rushing me to the hospital to see what's going on. They're rushing you after you do a leisurely hour plus podcast. Well, we're mid-rush.

I had to just stop here because I... You came from another place? I made a commitment to the show. It matters to me. Where were you when you had this? Heart attack. I was at a pizza, a pizzeria. Oh, wait, this wasn't in New York City, was it?

It was Brooklyn Pizza. What? So you were going, you had the ambulance drive you all the way from New York? Well, they said, where do you live? I said, I live in Los Angeles, and they're like, okay, we'll get you to your local hospital. What? Yeah, and so they drove me.

But the heart attack started 20 minutes ago? Yes, they have a, they, you know. What did you call the ambulance for originally? You know, it's the. Concord Ambulance. Oh, just like Phil Collins took. Yes, exactly. For Live Aid.

Everyone knows that reference. So the point that I'm getting to is that you're here, obviously, based on what we described, I'm a little distracted with my... Sure. But I hear that theme music. Comedy bang, bang, bang. Reggie Watts. Comedy bang, bang. Reggie Watts, that sound is...

Watts, comma, Reggie. unmistakable. It is definitely, if you were to hear that song, you would say, unless you've never heard the song before, you would say that is the theme song to comedy bang. Exactly. And so then suddenly, whatever else I'm thinking about, I don't care, I'm here, it's the... You're sweating a lot. It's a moment.

You are pale. You look at Death Store. Yep, but you play that music and I feel like I'm in. You don't look like you're in. You should not be doing what you're doing right now. But I feel it because of the music. All right. Welcome, David Wend.

Thank you. Let's talk about medical police. Let's tick off all the boxes of if I were to go on to the Internet Movie Database. Dot com, were I to traverse the web onto that particular website? I didn't know that IMDB has a website now. That's awesome. They originally started as word of mouth, did they not? Well, I'd love to check it out.

If you could give me the URL, I'm going to. I believe it's Internet. Internetmovieetabase.com. I got it. If you were to go over there and check out your particular page, which I would imagine it's hard to get there without using the search function first because I would imagine it's like

Internet Movie Database.com slash equals search equals percentage mark. Sure. 68592, David plus Wayne, something to that effect. Perhaps you could put that info in the note for the podcast listeners so they should go have a direct line. So they can look at one picture of this studio without us in it and then... And check out my IMDB.

Your IMDB page. But were I to go there, what duties could I say that you performed upon this wonderful piece of content? This is streaming content, medical police, starting Friday on Netflix. Well, of course, it's already up, my dear boy. In the old days, they used to call it a television show. Yes. We call it a piece of streaming content product.

It's a real P-O-S streaming content. Is it not? I am one of the four co-creators of this show. Bravo. I am one of the two directors of the 10 episode. Who's that other director? Is it Marty? It's a great guy named Bill Benz, who you perhaps cross-pads with over the years.

I don't believe I've ever crossed past with him, and I hope I never do. In this case, you'd be smart not to. Yes. And I have a small cameo role, but I also in one of the writers of the show, of course. A small cameo role. Are you portraying the part that you played in? Now, this is a spinoff of Children's Hospital or an Airsat's Spinoff. With the same characters.

It is a same people and the same... It is a sequel of sorts to the saga of Children's Hospital. But you don't have the rights to it so you can't say it's a... We do have the rights to it. It is literally the continuation. So you're not some sort of scofflaw here with the rights to children's hospital. Well, you're going to go your $50 words. All I'm going to say is this is a continuation of Children's Hospital, the Adult Swim, Emmy Award winning seven-season thing that we did.

Yeah, right. I was going to say a better word like, joggernaut. Joggernaut or juggernaut? And I love how you're taking a sip of your tea as if you scored so hard with juggernaut. You have to wait for the applause to die down. Everyone take that one in. I said juggernaut. Just let it lie.

Let it land. No, so I do need to, I want, I need not. You need to get this out. You and the other people should know this. If you ever heard of or saw Children's Hospital, this is the continuation of that. But if you haven't, it doesn't matter. It's a new thing. It's a half-hour action, comedy, crazy, incredible series on Netflix.

You have to check your notes there as to what it was on. Well, there's, we had different ideas like, was it going to be on PBS? Was it going to be on Netflix? Oh, yeah. Was it going to follow the McNeil-Lear NewsHour? Just to tell you some of the cast people on the show. Oh, yeah. And I'll tell you if we're having any of these people on the show for what we're dubbing

Medical Police Week here at Comedy Bang Bang. And also, President Trump has said it's medical police week nationwide. That's right. Nationwide, yes. And he's going to take off all of next week. Oh, really? In honor of medical place. Oh, how nice of it.

Okay. We have Aaron Hayes and Rob Heubel. Those two are going to be on this show. Would you believe it if I told you that? And you're lucky for it because they're fabulous. Yes. Why, let me ask you because I don't believe I can ask them this. Why just them?

Was it sort of like, let's get rid of all the troublemakers on Children's Hospital? We didn't get rid of the troublemakers. What? They're still surrounded by the original cast Lake Bell, Malin, Ackerman, Ken Marino, Brian Husky, Beth Dover. Rob Cordry? Rob Cordry. But surely not on every episode.

Henry Winkler, Zandi Hardick, they're all there. Not on every episode. See, this is what I'm talking about. It's a new story. Oh, come on in here, Rob, can you shoot something for 15 minutes? Rob Cordy was also one of the co-creatives because he was the creator of Children's Hospital. The devil you say. And so we, the same team, brought into this new series,

bigger, better, crazier. It takes place in like 15 different countries. It's like a globe-trotting Mission Impossible. How many countries did you actually shoot it in? We shot it in two countries, actually. We shot in Croatia. Oh. And in Los Angeles. But the story takes place in Germany, Brazil, New Hampshire, Italy, Sudan, Georgia, France, Denmark, Florida, Latvia, California, Bhutan, and China. Wow. This is incredible. And so many places to put into that final draft. And that was the best part. It was typing the things into Final Draft and then also making the... And we got another type into Final Draft.

And then you type it, you copy out, paste from Final Draft into the editing software. Oh, yeah. The letters go on screen. It says, Bhutan. Oh, that's so thrilling. And there's a little Chiron down at the bottom of the screen. It just says, Bhutan. Yeah.

And then suddenly you're in Bhutan. If you're curious about this, it's www.netflix.com and then find medical police. And then look up Bhutan as well. And look up Bhutan as well. Just go to Google.com and then enter Bhutan. By the way, it's not just the original cast of Children's Hospital. What? We, oh my goodness.

Are you reading a press release? I'm not. I'm just, this is just something that I'm thinking about. If I, let me just say this, if I had nothing to do with this show and you are my own brother, I would give you the same advice. You would still bug me to come on the show to promote this? I would, I absolutely would because I'm six o'clock at night. The latest we've ever done. show? Because I'm a fan

of the product. I use it myself. What? Yes. You're also a member? So much so I bought the company. Can I tell you, Jason Schwartzman is one of the main characters in the show? What? What a delightful man? Fred Melmad. Saru Blue. I mean, it's like... Start talking about people people care about, though.

If you don't care... Fred Melman? Fred Melmed. Melmed? You know him from a serious... I'm sure I do, but who gives a shit? Come on, give me the big stars. Well, I told you.

Yeah, you already told you. Yeah, yeah, you told me the people all. Yeah, but then you were like. Henry Winkler, he just won an Emmy. But these are all the people who used to be on the show. Then you were like, not only that, but we have Fred Melman? I mean, Fred Melman's great. Don't get me wrong, but like, quit while you're ahead.

Okay, stop it, Jason Schwartzman. How about Tom Cruise? Holy shit. Tom Cruise is in this? How about Tom Cruise on Leonardo DiCapio? Now you feel that. Now you feel like shit, don't you? I feel, I'm sorry, David.

You want me to go? I'll take over. All right, this is Comedy Bang Bang. Oh, shit. Come back. Please come back. Okay, I'm back. Okay, I knew you couldn't do it.

Oh, my God. I've choked. Can I ask you a real question about this show? Yeah. Why is it not called DRPD? DRPD. Dr. PD. Dr. PD, medical police.

Because we assume the internet will take up that mantle. Oh, okay. You think that is. And we want them to feel like it's organic. Okay, great. When they do. But you're going to start planting this in little places? Yeah, like...

I wonder why you asked me to ask you this. Right. What I do is I go to ski places and then I like pee in the snow, DRPD. Okay. And then people are like, oh, that's organic, but that does remind me of medical pleas. It truly is, it's the definition of organic. I believe P is organic, is it not? I could look it up.

But why bother? Well, let's bother. All right, let's look it up. All right. Let's ask Siri. Siri, is P organic? Here's what I found She doesn't say anything by the way anymore

She just says here's what I found I want her to tell me I think what she meant is this is what I have found yes You know what urine is a liquid byproduct of metabolism In humans and in many animals So there's your answer right there's your answer You know I'm I'm not a vegetarian but I'm vegetarianish

Like I'll eat chicken and fish Sure and beef and pork and uh but not every most every day i mean three times a day maybe three three times a day but not for fourth meal sometimes well for fourth meal or snack which is it okay all right david i don't know that's the fred melmidd of jokes you should have just stopped a little bit earlier he's a great actor he's a no he's wonderful but i don't know why you got to bring him in here into the conversation I wanted to bring him into it. Okay.

So this is, by the way, this is out already on, it just came out on Friday. Yes, and it has already been certified a hit. It is certified fresh. You're hoping to get reviews. Nothing gets reviewed anymore. Have you noticed that? Like, you put out a TV show and people are like, oh, that might have come out, but nothing ever, you know what I'm saying? Well, we are one of seven or eight new series debate debuted on Netflix on Friday.

Debut, that's a hard word to say, isn't it? debut. It is a hard word to say, and yet we have to say it all the time because we have so much stuff coming out. Especially because when you say debuted, it's spelled debutted. Debooted. Das boot. And I wish they would just say, it debuteded.

David, what else do you have on the horizon? If we can talk about the horizon, are you comfortable with that subject matter? Right now we have in the hopper, this thing, the 80 miles and I making a daily sitcom. Yes. I've talked to him about this. It sounds fascinating. but have you announced it? Is it...

It's in the pilot phase. Oh, okay. People who read the trades know that. This is an exciting phase when the possibilities are endless. It could either be made or not be made. Yeah, but it's not worth... Most likely, not be made.

It's possible no one will ever see it. Sure. Well, that's wonderful. But let's check out what you can see, which is medical police, which is currently on Netflix. You can see it right now. We will also be talking to the, look,

the real heroes of medical police, two of its stars, Rob and Aaron, we'll be talking to them a little bit later this week. But David, can you pause mid-heart attack? Are you okay to welcome another guest onto the show? I'd love to stick around and see what happens. Okay, great. Our next guest is a small business owner, and they have been on the show before. Oh, yes, please welcome back to the show, Entrey P. Neuer.

How you doing it doing really well? How are you? I'm all right, a little perturbed. This is David Wayne, by the way. Hi, David. Nice to see you. David, Lil Wayne. Entrepreneur.

Has anyone ever called you that? David Lil Wayne. I love it. Can that be my new moniker? Yes. Do you rap? Of course. Do you have a little penis?

I got a little penis. Scott, have you seen Lil' way suggestions? Scott, have you seen Lil'wain's dick? Have I seen Little Wayne's day? I'm presuming. Why would you call yourself Lil anything unless you had a little dick and you were proud of it? Maybe it's a stature thing.

Little bow wow, little dick. You've seen all these dicks. Well, you saw my dick in the locker room before we started recording. That's right. We have a locker room here where we all shower before the show and we change. And a lot of times we take a steam. And sometimes we'll be doing the show just in towels. Today we're wearing a, you're branded by Nike, I can tell.

Yeah. You have the swoosh everywhere. Scott's wearing a robe, but his dick is poking out. Look, that's, look, I know that with wine steaks. and all that he's finally on trial but give me something I can't change that quickly that's okay Scott

I'm not holding it against you just want your listeners to know how you're doing it against you okay how are you on Trey okay do you Scott I'm not interested in relations you're not well you said you had a bone to pick with me speaking of bones bones another bone

a different bone to pick I don't think you want your bone picked do you think David Boreannes anyone ever on the set of bones? Is this the one from, oh yes, from bones? Anyone ever went up to him and said, I got a bone to pick with you and then they laughed and they high five. David, take this one. I thought that was your new nickname for me, David Boreannis. For a moments there, I did as well. David Boring Wayness. Hey, wait a minute. This is your chance. Too close to comfort. Hey, I'm the one with the small dick. Oops. Oh, no. Hi, Andre. You know, Scott, my bone to pick with you did you call me a small business owner. I'm not a business owner. I'm an inventor. You are an inventor. I'm

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You have never, you don't have a small business where you have the capital in order to make these ideas. I'm seeking capital. You need the capital. And David Wayne, by the way, a lot of passive income from his various projects. I do a lot of seeding, financial seed money that I put in escrow until it can be. Yeah, you basically like, plan a few seeds, watch these babies grow.

But if you have something to pitch, I'd be willing to put in a couple million dollars to hear the pitch. Okay. Just to hear the. That's to hear the pitch. I have lost a lot of money this way. I typically accept Bitcoin, but I will take a couple million. I will take a couple of people talking to. It's going to take me just a little bit to put together the cash.

That's a lot of money. You have a lot of, you have, like we mentioned, passive income, but you're not really entirely liquid, you were telling you. Well, I want aggressive income. Yeah, I don't know that I'm that liquid. I do, I have hobbies, but go on. Okay. Okay, now, Entree.

Yes, Scott. I should warn you, David, that entree's been on the show before. Okay. And Entree tends to have... Why does that require a warning? What did you just say? Why does that require warning? Consider myself horned.

You are a horned. Why do you feel you need to horn them? Well, I just... Your ideas have never borne fruit necessarily into... Have you born fruit? I don't know exactly what you're talking about. Well, I don't know what you're talking about. Do you want me to part this rope?

If you were a woman, you wouldn't know what it is. to bore fruit. And just to be clear, David, Wayne, I'm not a woman. Okay. There's a bit of discrepancy in our memories about that.

About whether you're a woman. I believe if I'm not mistooking, I believe I am a man. Okay. And my belief is that may not have been established. You know, well, Scott, consider it an established. But for 2020.

2020, it's a new decade. Entrapi Nure. a gentleman who has come in here and has pitched us various things. And my, my, the one problem that I would say, entree, is that you tend to pitch things. You're a hater. This is not that I'm a hater. Aside from that problem, what else? You tend to pitch, well, I don't even want to spoil it because, uh, I want David to just have a fresh, fresh ears. I like to hear the pitch fresh or else that it crowds my judgment. Fresh pitch for you, David, Oh, wait.

Okay. So, I'm thinking of something. I'd like your $2 million. What it is is something that is rectangular in shape. Okay. Wait, I'm with you so far. So far. I'm picturing it.

Is it two-dimensional or are we talking three dimensions? Depends on how you, depends on the version you want. Okay. Okay. Okay. Rectangular in shape. And then there's another rectangular shape under. underneath of it.

I might take the 2D version. Just not to jump ahead, but I'm liking the, but go on. But you're imagining the 2D version of this. Yeah. Okay, great. So it's rectangular. Two-retagletes. Stacked on each other, kind of like a cake.

Your mother might bake you. Hers would be circular. These would be rectangles. Although they do make rectangular cake pans. I have seen, I have seen rectangular cakes, but not usually. Where? You know, everywhere. Sheet cakes.

Where? All cakes. Shit cakes. You don't, do you have an issue with sheetcakes? Shit cakes. No, my shit cakes usually come out more cylindrical. Shitcakes is, I know what shitcakes is. I have a friend who dealt with someone who was suffering from shit cakes.

Oh, no. That person had trouble wiping after pooping. Trouble. So, trouble. With a capital T that rhymes with pee. Okay. Pupple. That stands for poo.

Poop. Well, listen, Scott, you're confusing me here, okay? Look, shitcakes is actually a serious illness. I'm sorry. I don't mean to make light of whatever. People who have trouble wiping their excretion from the bottoms. I don't know why you're talking about your friend as if they're here in the room. Well, I mean, I just want to stand for something.

Because if you don't stand for something, you will fall for most other things. Yes. So you're thinking of two rectangles. Two rectangles stacked upon each other. You would sleep on these rectangles. Oh. They might have springs inside, depending. on the version you order.

Oh, okay. Go with me here. And this can be two-dimensional rectangles that you're sleeping on? Depending on how you want. I will say the two-dimensional is cheaper than the three-dimensional. I think you're talking about a sheet of paper when you're thinking of two-dimensional. Well, even that has dimension. Oh, my goodness.

It's a heart attack. Oh, he's got shit cakes. Oh, no, he's got shit-cakes. And I'm having shit-cakes. Shit-cakes on top of a heart attack? Did, does everyone here, do you mind if I wipe? Yeah, go ahead. Okay, because this shit takes.

I don't mind if you were. I would prefer you like. We had a wiping expert in here a few months back who could have talked to you through this process. Listen, oh, I take a lot of pitches for a lot of business ideas, and I'm just going to stop you here just to ask a question and don't be offended. Can you please get your hand off my shoulder? You wiped with that one. You didn't wash it. All right.

Here's my other hand. Okay. It sounds like you're maybe talking about a mattress. What is that? Can I just say, David, Andre's problem is. He comes in here and he pitches things that already exist. Oh, I see. Because it does sound like the pitch was for a mattress.

Let me be perfectly clear. Scott claims they've existed. I've never seen them. I've never seen any of the things. Then why would you think that it was rectangle? And what? Because it's a new idea. It could be any shape, but I chose rectangle.

Well, I'm going to say this. I have in my home something very similar to what you described. It is a mattress. I laid down on it last night. And after about an hour of reading, and a little TV. Where were you reading, by the way? You seemed like a smart guy.

Was it the paper of record? Yes, Instagram. And I have this thing, and as I said, last night, I was in there, I'm laying down, and after a while, the lights are out, and I was unconscious. Out. Like a light. Like that light that you were just talking about. Yes, like a light.

Yes, like a light. I'm referencing a song I just heard today called Sick Homeau. Oh, sickomo by Travis Scott. Travis Dollar Sign Cot. Exactly. Yes. Travis Dollar Sign Cot featuring Aubrey Graham. Yes. Aubrey Graham, of course. Son of Billy Graham. Of the pasta. Yeah. Are you going to invest or not, Mr. Wayne? I cannot commit to investing, but I will give you the $2 million for listening to the pitch because I promised I would. Thank you so much. Wow.

This is huge for me. This is huge. But I do have a question, and I have to throw it your way. Sure. Is it going to be a check that I'm going to need to write? Do you have a cashier's check? Or is it a cashier's check? Can I give you a – will you take a traveler's check? I've never really had money before, so I'm not sure how to accept.

And also, this feels wrong to me. The more I think about it, I shouldn't accept money for an invention he's not going to take home. And one that he ostensibly already has. You know what? I am writing you right now. I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want it.

I'm a person of integrity. I don't want it. it. If you're not interested in, I don't want handouts. This is just a thanks for meeting with me, Ben. Think about it as that. And you can use it for whatever you want. No strings attached. And you know what I'm going to do with it? Rip it the hell

up. No. Yeah, because you know what? I'm a person of integrity. That was for $2 million. I'm a person of integrity, Scott. I've got another invention for you. Okay? All right. Maybe you'll be interested in this one. Let me ask, is it a rectangular thing that you write like a promise of money on? You know what?

Scott, you're wrong, and you're going to hell. Oh, no. And you heard it here first. You always will, the Bible says you will go to hell if you miss guess what the pitch is going to be. That's exactly what my Bible says. And that you'll hear it. Not from God. That's what my, but from Andre.

Do you know who wrote my Bible? Who wrote your Bible? Nicholas Cannon. What? Yes. From drumline? From drumline and mass singer. From drumline to mass singer, the Nicholas Cannon story.

Exactly. That is my Bible. And everything in between. Listen, I don't think you've ever read the book. Okay. What are you pitching? It's something rectangular. Base, the base, excuse me, hear me out.

Okay. Everything's a bit of a rectangle. Well, you seem to focus primarily, if I may be so bold, on rectangular things. Because I think when you pitch just a hospital. Sure. It was basically a rectangle. Was it a rectangle? I think it was.

No offense, Scott. A lot of things are rectangular. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. No offense. Many things are born of a rectangle. None taken. None taken.

Many things are born of a rectangle. Rectangular base. Okay. It's going to be connected to the ground. Okay. Or maybe do some mold in the around it connected to the ground. And then another rectangle upright on a different, on another side connected to that one. So it's like an upside down T.

I'm just sketching this out. Exactly. Exactly. Then we're going to go. So it's sort of like the Titans tower from the Teen Titans, but upside down. Right. Yes. Or Mr. T without the Mr.

and upside down. Sure. Do you know that Mr. Tea cereal? I was talking about this with a previous guest. Oh, yeah, that ongoing episodic story about Mr. Tea? No, no. Breakfast cereal, my dear boy. Okay, got it. How disappointed? Did you ever eat any of it? Every morning. How disappointed were you when you open it up and it's just cereal in the shape of a tea? And it's not cereal in the shape of Mr. Tea. Oh, right. You buy it expecting it's going to be him with the Mohawk and everything. It's just, it's just teas. I probably have three, four bowls of that every morning and I never noticed that. You never look down at it?

No. That could be something. Because I eat before I turn the lights on. I always forget the order. Oh, you and your lights. The ones that went out the night before. Like a light. Okay, Travis Cut.

Travis' Dullerzank cut. So I'm liking this pitch so far. Okay. Okay. And also to throw it out there like an upside-down timeout sign on a sports field, right? Okay. Okay, so you know what a sports field is. Of course.

And you know the rules. I'm not a damn idiot. Okay. I'm not a stupid. Okay. The top of it is an oval, a top of the upside-down. You're so focused on shapes. What are you having to get shapes?

Well, I'm trying to figure out what this is. It's a rectangle and then another rectangle. We have an upside-down T. The oval is kind of on, is not upright, per se. It's on its side. Sort of like the basis. Are you pitching the leaning tower of Pisa? No, no, Scott.

No, I would never. That exists already. Why would I pitch that? This is a basketball hoop. No. You're going to sit on top of it and let your dookie out. Let your pee-p out. Okay.

And then there's going to be a little... Why all the talk about rectangles when you're pitching a toilet? I don't have a name for it, Scott. Thank you. That's brilliant. I love it. Toilet. It exists.

It exists already. Never heard of it. Never heard of it. You don't use a toilet? Never heard of it. What do you use? To do what you just said? The dokees. To dokeys

When I dokees I do it right where I am Wherever I find myself Wherever you lay your hat Wherever I lay my hat Is your home? Yes Which is never near a toilet

I don't know what that is If y'all want to call it a toilet What is your house like? You don't have a mattress You don't have a toilet? Where do you live? Where do I live With my mother

Well she's dead That explains it That explains it She's dead I don't own a home She's dead She's dead But she still lives there No I just

call it her house, but... So you know what a house is, because I think you pitched me those ones. Is that what that's called? Yes. Okay. I love the sound of it. I love to see it. What kind of house doesn't have a toilet? I mean, I understand not having a bed. I've never seen one of those before, personally.

David just drew one. I can tell you David drew... It's beautiful. A birdhouse. A birdhouse. Thank you, David. You're right. You're right. A birdhouse doesn't have a toilet. David drew what looks like a vanity mayor. mirror. So you know what a vanity mirror is. Why is that so alarming to you, Scott? What is you, what is your bathroom? A vanity and that's it? A vanity. A vanity. A vanity. And a sink. One sink and a sink. So you know what sinks are. Sure. So you know what plumbing is. What is, no. Why do you have to complicate things? What, what, where does the water go in your sink?

I don't know. It just disappears? What is your water go in your sink, Scott? It goes. Where exactly does it end up, Scott? Go, you have two seconds. In the Pacific Ocean. Oh, interesting. All I know is if someone said to me, describe a toilet. I would say an upside down tea with an oval on top. If y'all think it should be called a toilet, I'm happy to give you 50% equity in this idea. Should it get... No, I need sweat equity. Yeah, I definitely need sweat equity. Sweat quity.

Yeah, and I also need money in subordinated funds in escrow. Yeah, exactly. I'm with David on all this. Oh, sure. What if I said sure? Okay, sign the long form. Okay, where's the long floor? It's right here.

Intriplicate. Here it is. Okay. I'm happy to sign it. Thank you. All right. Just sign it there. All right.

Great. Great. Okay. No, sorry. Initial here. Okay. Right there. Okay.

Initial here. Okay. Initial there. Can't you just copy it? Copy it easy? Sorry. No. Okay.

This is what it is. If you want to be an inventor, this is what it takes. Sign there. Okay. Initial here. Okay. Initial here. Okay.

Sir, we are in business. So we have. Thank you for signing the long form. I didn't think you would really do it Done, done and done Let's all shake hands Done I would not Your hand is sweaty

And he has shit on his On his shaken hand That is true He is a sweaty too I'm not worried about the sweat I think shit Trump's sweat Let me check that Shit Trump's sweat

At all times I'll get that on a T-shirt 2020 Shit Trump Trump Shrimp Shrimp

Siri does shrimp Trump sweat Shrimp Does shrimp slub sweat Here's what I found How here's what I found I just want to you to say it She won't say it

Investigating and documenting Slipstress and false Try telling her to say it Say it Siri Siri does shrimp Trump sweat And say it She doesn't She doesn't respect you

She doesn't respect me She doesn't respect Scott How does it feel to live with An assistant that doesn't respect you I don't necessarily live with Siri Although I guess I do She doesn't come home with you

Every single day That's true She's by my bed at night? I live with my personal assistant. I like the sound of that. I was trying to trick you. I like the sound of it. Okay, you didn't fall for it. I'm no fool, Scott. He didn't fall for. All right, look. We need to take a break.

All right. When we come back, we have a lawyer. Oh, maybe the lawyer's going to... Okay, but if we take a break, am I allowed to hook up with other people? All right. The friend's rules apply. I'd like a break. You'd like a break? All right. We were on a break. Here we go. We'll be right back with more comedy, bang, bang, back after this. Comedy Bang Bang,

we're back here. Another episode of Wayne Scotting currently in production. That is, of course, when David Wayne and myself get together. We always call it Wayne Scotting. Is that not true? Yes, but my close friends,

which I now consider you wouldn't call me Jimmy. Oh, I'd never heard that before. So you just started considering me to be a close friend? It's a common nickname for David. Jimmy. I think Jimmy is short. It's like a nickname for James.

My friends call me Jimmy. Jimmy? Yeah. Jimmy Wayne? Jimmy two times? Jimmy two times? Wait, I need to say Jimmy twice? That's nothing to do with it.

So just Jimmy two times. I don't need to say Jimmy Jimmy, Jimmy. No, yeah, it's not the words. It's T-O-O-T-I-M-Z. Is that long for TMZ? Yeah. So you're Jimmy two TMZs? Yeah, because I've been working for two different TMZ offices as an intern.

How many offices do they as an intern? They have four offices, and I've been working for two of them. I basically do runs between two of the offices. Okay, Jimmy, two times, this is over here. And medical police currently on Netflix, you can watch the shit out of that. But don't watch all of them before you hear our enticing interview with two of the stars. I got to say, a buddy of mine, when there's a whole set of episodes available on Netflix, he watched the whole thing.

He calls it binging. He's like, I'm going to binge the whole thing. as if he's having a food binge, but it's with... What are people going to watch your show on? I just realized. What are people going to watch your show on? Well, there's this rectangle. Scott, that's what I'm thinking.

Scott, do you want to go in business with me? It's a rectangle with a plug that goes in the wall. I like that. I like that. And projects an image. Yeah, definitely projects an image. It can be big or small. I don't do the science of it.

Yeah, you don't do any of the science. No, I don't do the science. I hire people to do the science. This is Entre P. Nour, by the way. a so-called inventor, although... Scott, why do you bring me on your show to insult me? I don't bring you on this show up. You begged me to come.

All right, I did. Yeah, you begged me to come here. I said, Scott, I don't know. It seems to always be contentious. By the way, I want to do something called purge watching. What's purge watching? That's good. You don't...

Just the purge. Back to back. I want to do something called Game of Thrones watching. Whoa, that sounds pretty good. I'd like to do why you're watching. I don't know why you were watching or wire watching? Wire. You haven't seen the wire?

Oh, you haven't seen the wire? Oh, you've got to watch it. Oh, my God. You've got to watch the wire. Best rectangular programs ever. Skip the first five seasons. Although it was square. It was square.

And then they turned it into rectangle. So, okay. I like this. We're evolving. Scott, do you want to invest? In you watching the wire? In this rectangular thing for his program. How are people going to watch?

I'm worried about you, David. I'll pay you to watch the wire, but that's as far as. I go. You'll pay me how much? I'll pay you a dollar per wire. Per why? And what is one Y equivalent to? One Yers, I believe 10 episodes. Okay, that's not fair. Now who's the one who's square?

All right, look, we need to get to our next guest. He is a lawyer. Please welcome to the show, Italiano Jones. Hello, thank you for having me. My name is Italiano Jones, and I will fight for you. Oh, it's so nice to meet you. I work for the law offices of Italiano Jones and associates and other miscellaneous items. Hmm. Okay. That sounds great. What type of cases? By the way, this is entrepreneur.

How you doing, young sir? How are you? I am Italiano Jones of Italiano Jones and law services and miscellaneous other items. And this is David Wayne. Hello, David. Of Wayne Scott and Jimmy to TMZ. It seems like your law firm changed its name in the last couple of minutes. How dare you? My law offices never changed their name. We will fight for you. I heard that you came here in an AMA lamps. Yes, I did. Would you like, did they? Did you spell? Ambulamps. I was spelling for you, absolutely.

Amalamps. A, M, B, U-L-A-N-C-E, Amelamps. He's right. Whoa, BlackBetty, Amelamps. That's a little law office joke. Sounds like I found my lawyer. Would you not agree in Ambienabes is a very rectangular vehicle? Yes.

They mostly are rectangular. I know what those exist. You know about those. Yeah. In Europe, they are oblong. Are they now? Yes, I would know. I'm from Italy.

You are. I wondered, Italiano Jones is that an inkling? Why do you sound like you're from Chicago? It is a family name from Italy. I am from Italy. What part of Italy are you from? Tuscany. And why is your family name your first name?

That's how we do things in Italy. Oh, I see. I wasn't aware of that. In other words, everyone in Italy is called Italiano or something. Can you spell it? Can you spell it? I, T-A-L-Y, Italy. What type of law do you practice Italian?

I practice all. types of law. Do you have a case? Are you in any type of trouble? Have you been injured in an accident? Have you been injured in a self-inflicted wound? Self-inflicted wound? Who am I going to sue if it's a self-inflicted wound? We can sue thousands of people. We can sue so many people. Who do you sue? I guess the makers of the weapon that I use. We could sue Smith and Wesson. We could sue just Western cooking oil. Italian. If you slipped on a bottle of Western cooking oil.

On the bottle itself? Not the product? Yes. And you shot yourself. How ironic would that be? Think about this. You are holding a gun and you are also frying something in your kitchen. Why would I be doing that?

And you put the bottle down. Am I trying to defend myself while I'm frying? In case, you live in a rough neighborhood. Maybe you can't find a spoon and you've got to stir with something. Okay. You've got to stir with something. You live in South Italy like me. I grew up in a rough neighborhood.

Oh, yeah. The streets was tough. The pointy toe of that boot. The pointing toe of the boot, absolutely. The pointy heel of the boot. Did you grow up with the godfather? I grew up with a godfather. His name was Roy.

Is it not Italiano? No, my name is Italiano. It's a family name. Italiano, you sound like Mike Tyson. Ency Johnson and Wax. It's a family company. You sound like Mike Tyson. You ever heard of Mike Tyson?

Mike Tyson, yes, I love him. Yeah, what do you love him for? I love everything. What part of his career? Be careful now. What do you love? You know, I represented him in a case. Oh, no.

which one. I will tell you. Please do. We have a deal. He just asked you to. He once bought a tiger online. Oh. And when the box came, the tiger was not in it. It was just a skeleton. Oh, no. Skelton of a tiger or a human skeleton? A human skeleton. What? This is, it gets we went and found the company that sold him the tiger box.

The tiger box. And he got to keep the skeleton, too. I won't fight for you. Did you ever feel you? It's great. You fought for him, but where did the human skeleton come from? We do not know.

We did not get that. You got to find that this is the mystery. We did not get that evidence. All we did was get him a real tiger, and he got to keep the human skeleton, and now it is up in his living room, and it wears a doctor's lab coat. I will fight for you.

Thanks to you. Thanks to me. Italiano Jones and Vittaliano Jones Law, miscellaneous services, and items of law. So he has a skeleton wearing a doctor's lab coat like he's in a vaudeville sketch? Absolutely.

We all love Vaughville. We go to, watch Volville movies at Mike Tyson's house all the time. You do really? Which was? In his private theater. Oh, I'll tell you. We watch The Producers. Well, you ever seen this? Entree? The producers. Yeah. Never heard of it. No? No. We watched the directors. I guess I was

talking about a movie theater. Oh, a theater? You ever heard of that? Describe it to me. Rectangular. Definitely. Okay. There's a rectangular thing in the front. I follow. And then there's a rectangular There's definitely a rectangular thing that you go through in order to get there. I follow, okay, and then what happens? You sit down on what I could only describe as a couple of rectangles upside down.

Everybody knows what a chair is, you dumbass. Have you been injured in a chair? Have you stood on top of a chair and tied a rope around your neck and jumped off? But I will fight for you. I think you would be dead. I want to sue this ambulance company that let me get out of the ambulance on the way to the hospital. You want to sue the ambulance? To do a podcast.

What is the company called? It's called, I think it's called a Grands Ambulance. Oh, they have that same brand in Italy. Okay, I have sued them before, and I will sue them again because I will fight for you. I am here from the law offices of Italian Jones. But Italian Jones, what kind of money am I going to get out of this? I could get you thousands. I could get you hundreds.

I could get you millions. How much money do you want, David Huan? Thousands. You want thousands? You want the thousands instead of the millions? Yeah, that's what I'm in good for. You're a big lady. David Wayne, all I need is the evidence

I have an idea I have an idea If you, maybe you and I could go into business together How dare you? We're already in business together This is how I dare Okay, so maybe You have people to sue We could go to a place

To have these kind of suings and trials All right, you know what a lawsuit is But you don't know where they take place A lawsuit is a silk suit you wear To a rectangle I do all of my suans in one courtroom. Which one? The L.A. Municipal County courtroom.

Okay. I fly all my cases here. That's a rectangular room. I've been there. Yeah, very rectangular. It's almost like... Y'all have been to this place. What's it?

It's called L.A. Municipal. It's like six rectangles. Six rectangles. Six rectangles. Six rectangles. Yeah, just like the Olympic logo. And then what? Okay.

I understand. So some of them are stacked upon one another. Have you ever been injured by the Olympic logo? They're one of them. fall off the Olympics and hit you in the face? That actually did happen to me. I will fight for you. That happened to you?

It did happen to me. It did happen to me. I was hit by the red ring. Was it Alberta, 1988, the Winter Olympics? Yes. Yes, and. Perfect. Perfect?

That is the only Olympics I have allowed to preside over. Yes, and. You're not allowed to preside over any other Olympics. Why is that? Well, I have been banned from all other Olympic procedurals. Procedurals. So you were allowed to sue that particular Olympics

if especially if the logo falls on somebody And luckily Lake Placet in 1982 Oh, okay Well, I was, I was I'm looking for a quick check A little late for Lake Placet But great

I was Alberta Were you bitten by the big alligator In Lake Placet? No There's a giant alligator Who lives in Lake Placet His name is Steve Steve

If he bites you I will fight for you How much people as Steve bitten. Oh, Steve has bitten thousands of people. Everybody who goes to Lake Placet to ice gate and the ice is never hard enough and they fall through.

But just for conflict of interest reasons, I have to ask, have you ever defended Steve? I have never defended Steve in the court of law. I have, however, defended Steve to his mother when he came out. Out of closet? Yes. What did you say to Steve's mother?

What a good friend you are. She was very upset with Steve when he came out Because she's a homophobe. And I said... They're both alligators, right? Yes. And she said, what is your point, David?

That alligators can't be homophobes? Well, now, wait a minute. Don't get... Don't drag me into this. Drag him, Scott. Drag him. Cancell him. I feel like all alligators can do what they please

as long as they don't eat me. Drag him. So you think they can be homophones? You want them to be homophobes? Now, wait a second here. Somebody is about to get canceled. Italian, can I sue Scott for entrapment? You absolutely can.

Oh, no. Where are you going to do the suing? Do it, I have a new space for you. A new space, it's a rectangle. I won't do six because that is excessive. We only need one rectangle. You can enter in that rectangle. There will be other rectangles.

Why would you need to enter if there's just one on the ground? Well, it's going to be sort of a three-dimensional rectangle, which I have now learned, thanks to your wonderful listeners, is a cuboid. So, Q-Boid. All right, so Q-Boid. C-Boid. C-Boid. Oh, C-Boid.

Boyd, please get on your mark. Okay. C-Boid. Boyd, anyway, we don't need to bother ourselves with Boyd. But it's a cue-boid. You'd enter, inside there will be a judge. Yes, I've heard of a judge, Scott. Don't you dare start to ask me.

I've heard of a judge. Where do you think a judge usually works? A judge usually works from home. From home. A judge works from home. Until your innovation, which you're in the middle of pitching. Exactly. Why would a judge who gets to work from home want to travel to another place?

I would think that's one of the benefits of being a home-based judge. Scott, most judges are unsuccessful. The legal system is going to shit in this country. Because of lack of cuboid rooms. Because there are not enough cuboid rooms in which to hold suans. You think the legal system is going to hell here? The legal system is going to hell just like you, Scott. You are going to hell.

a handbasket with gasoline draws on. Luckily, light them up. I am friends with many judges. Sis. You're friends with many jerges? I am friends with many jurors. Spell judges? Spell judges.

J-U-D-G-S. Do you feel like the judge's problem is that they're all working from home? That's the problem with our legal system? They all went from home. I'm so sorry. Speaking of winning the suit, I've been meaning to announce this. There is going to be a suit that I'm going to be giving away to one of your lucky listeners.

You're giving away a... And you can win the suit. Meaning a dress suit? Yeah, it's a three-piece suit. Three pieces? So we're talking vest, pants, and jacket? Wipe me down. It's a two-button suit.

Yeah, wipe it. She's already all wet over there. He is, he is. Come on, David. Please stop misgender me in 2020. I said he will represent you. I'll take you to court. We go into court.

If any listeners do want to win the suit. How do they get involved in this contest? There's going to be the fifth collar we're taking right. now at our 800 number we're taking calls right now yeah okay uh all right uh let's uh let's go to the phones here caller are you there hello hi you're caller number one sorry click all right let's go to the phones hello this color color you're hey you're color number two oh cool you don't win bye caller are you there your mother's a jerk my mother's a jerk well fuck you you're color number three you're color number three click color are you there I'm

On the radio with D-Pain? No, D-Pin's not around. But your only caller number four, you were so close. All right, bye, click. Caller, are you there? 911, what's your emergency? Hey, this is caller number five. Wait, I think the phone line's got crossed here.

911, what's your emergency? We accidentally called 911. What's your emergency? We, what's your emergency? Ma'am, can I get your name because you have just won a suit? Sharon, I hope, wow, that's amazing. What's your emergency? It's a three-piece suit.

Does that change your tune at all or vest included? I love that. A lot of suits are only two pieces these days. Okay, all right, but do you have an emergency? I guess it's an emergency that we get this suit to you, isn't that right? I called you. Isn't that something? Wait, is this Sharon?

Yeah. Sharon from 911? Italian. This is Italiano Jones of Italian Jones Law Services. I thought you were never going to talk to me again. I'm sorry I said that. I'm pregnant. What?

Scott, hang up the phone. It's not hanging up the phone. This is juicy. Italian, I'm pregnant. I'm seven and a half months pregnant. I've been trying to reach. I'm ready to go. Is it Italiano's baby?

I do believe so. I've only ever slept with Italiano. I believe so. I believe so. I've only ever slept with Italiano. He told me he was shooting blanks. That is correct. I do shoot blanks.

But this day, the blanks fired. Just like if you were cooking in your kitchen. Why is every one of your lawsuits cooking related? What are we going to do? What are we going to do? Well, now that you have this suit, I think that solves it. You can get married. I'd love to marry you in this suit.

That suit is worth thousands. Use that for the baby. It's got to make up the phone. No, not that hey up the phone. You're a deadbeat dad, Italian. I liked you. You told me that every woman you met to this point, thought you were stupid, didn't take you seriously, and that you appreciated that I saw your worth and your intelligence and what made you unique and special. And then you left.

I did appreciate it. He confided into me that he did not want to feel like he was associated with a 911 operator as his main squeeze. Oh, you didn't really. That is what you call a conflict of interest. Are you kidding me? I help people. I help people. I also help people. Have you ever been injured?

How is that a conflict of interest if you're both helping people? Because I work against them. Oh, you sued 911? I am going to sue 911. Okay, I'm getting calls for other emergencies at this point. So if you could take my number... You have an emergency. Yeah, Italiano, please take my number down.

It's 911. I will not be able to award the suit. I'm sorry, just looking at the bylaws unless you give me your full address right now. Okay, my full address is... Got a hang up the phone. My full address, Italiano, I'd love to see you. I'm located at 59-59-Embergine.

Emergency lane. How ironic is that? That's where the dispatch... It's held funny and goofy. Emergency laid... It always makes, 9-1-1-1, got to be fun. Los Angeles, California, 9-1-6-9. All right, you'll expect that.

9-1 and then a 69? Is that what you guys were involved in? Yeah, it was an emergency. He called me. He said he had an emergency. This is how we actually met. It turned to do a 69? It turned to do a full-blown 69.

Don't let people tell you that you cannot get someone pregnant doing 69. You absolutely can. She just went down the wrong pipe. It went down the wrong pipe. She started to cough, and now she is saying all of this nonsense. No, no, look, we need to take a break. The suit is on its way to you. The suit is on its way.

$39.99.99. $39.99. That's okay with you. But please stay on the line if you can. I know there's some emergencies. But we're going to be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang, Bang. We're back with David Wayne, Medical Police. Yes.

The DRPD. One of the co-creators and executive producers of... And also one of the stars. And one of the stars. And editing, directing. You know, it's like they call me a jack of all traits. Why? Because I do it all.

More like a Jimmy of all TMZs. Yes. Right? Jimmy two times. Right. Because I make those runs from one TMZ off to the other. You sure do. And if you know Los Angeles, I go from east side to west side.

Everywhere in the 30-mile zone. Only L.A. people will understand that one. Oh, definitely. We also have Italiano Jones is here, and he's very nervous. This is Italiano Jones of Italiano Jones and Associates, considering law and miscellaneous items upon judgment. And we also have Antre P. Neuer is here. How are you doing?

Yes. And then we have, what was your name, ma'am on 911? Sharon. Scott, hang up the phone. I will not hang up the phone. I swear to God, you hang up that phone. That suit is history. I'm seven and a half months pregnant.

I just want. and Taliano to step up to the plate and be the father I know he can be. I am no longer allowed to have children. It's too late. Is that one of the judgments that happened in one of your suits? There is one of the judgments. So a church said to you. A judge told me.

A lawyer. But you're no longer allowed to have children. Yes. For how bad you were at being a lawyer? No, I am great at that. I will fight for you. Your client is going to jail for 10 years and the lawyer is no longer allowed to children. This is drinking.

I will fight for you, Scott. Was that in the United States? Fight for yourself. Fight for your ability to have children. That is a conflict of the rights. Italiano, please. I'm begging you. This baby's going to be stupid like you.

How dare you? This baby can't take care of itself. It's going to be stupid. This baby is going to be stupid. When this baby comes out. But two stupid people are better than one stupid person. Isn't that right? Yes.

I am a traveling lawyer. You're traveling? You only are in one rectangle. And that's the LA municipal rectangle. I cannot be held in a rectangle. I am a traveling lawyer. I will fight for you. Have you ever been injured?

We know everything about what you. Have you ever walked onto a plane and decided to make an instant meal? I would like to create something. Oh, no. Let me guess. Is it a cuboid? No. Much to your chagridden?

No. Is it some sort of. oblong thing with a couple of... No, no. This one is more abstract. Okay. Because I see a problem and that's what I do. I see problems and I create solutions.

Okay. So far, you have not helped me at all in creating solutions. So, Sharon, can you hold on one second while, Antre? I mean, I'm getting... There are a few emergencies, but I think... There are people calling in right now. I have someone saying there's an intruder in their home. Oh, no.

Well, we have a person who's about to die over here of a heart attack. Okay. Well, then everything can... pause, right? By the way, I really am just about to die. You're just about to, and Sharon is just about to blow in a different way. I'm going to blow any day now. But I will hold, I'm happy to hold. Okay.

Speaking of blowing, that's 69. Here's my invention. Hey, Scott, I just met you. If you could not talk about my sex life. I'm sorry, but I just can't change. And I have it. Talk about it, Scott. Scott, I got a call actually from your studio. What? My rectangle?

Your rectangle. Yeah, what, yeah, your rectangle. I don't get that. You know, okay, it's an inside joke. Inside, well, I'm on the outside. This is, I got a call. Somebody, he said he didn't want to be identified, but I'm going to go ahead and identify him.

Oh, no. You're outing the whistleblower. Kevin, he said, Oh, we don't have to pay attention to what Kevin says. He said your dick was out. You're wearing a robe and your dick is out. Oh, well, that's just. That's an inside joke from the show.

Okay. Well, then in that case, that's fine. We won't be sending any officers to the location. Oh, good. Okay. Have your dick ever been out? I will fight for you. To do what?

You know what? I'd love to give you a call if I could because my dick was out about six weeks ago. Was your dick out, David Hwain? Yeah. Well, let me tell you something. I will fight for you. I have, look. I need to get this one off my chest.

All right, entree. Italiano and Sharon, kind woman, seem to be having an issue. You're going to be a father, Italiano. So I have an idea. I'd like to get a small fee from each of you to make this thing pop. All right. It's called, I don't know what to call it just yet, but it's when a man has a child. The child doesn't live with him.

Perhaps this child can come see you every other weekend. That is called an abortion. No, it's called custody. I'm not sure that's called an abortion. Before you were pitching a baby. Before you were pitching, the child could come visit you. She's, I don't think. He is not, she, he is not pitching an abortion, please.

I am 60 years old. This was a miracle. 60 years old. You said you were shooting blanks. I thought my ex were dried up. Turns out they were soaking wet. In Italy, we liked them mature. This is a real May, December, if not January, December romance.

Italian, you told you, yeah, how old? You told me you were 30, but you seem younger. you are correct i am the youngest lawyer and also tallest lawyer in italy i am uh six foot four and 23 years out neither are really two extremes i'm the tallest man in the tallest man in italy is six foot four and your youngest lawyer is only 23 i mean okay well i think about it you go to school you graduate you're about 21 i'm gonna i'm gonna come see you at the office. I think that this is something we...

You're going back to Italy? Hell yeah. I don't think this is something we need to be airing our dirty laundry on a radio show. I told Scott to hang up the phone a minute it does. I'm sorry, I cannot apply.

What was that? I told us got to hang up the phone so we do not air any dirty laundry. Has your dirty laundry ever been aired? I will fight for you. Antrey, wait a minute. Do you have an idea about dirty laundry? I do, I do.

Let me guess a cuboid With a circle on top Actually, it's a circle on top Circle on top Cubeid on the bottom These are great pitches Circle on top Cubeoid on the bottom

Do you want to draw it David Lohane? Okay we've got a circle on a top And a cubeoid at the bottom Yep I'm sketching it out Because I think visually And that's where I put my money And if you were to sit on it

Would you receive pleasure of some sort And sit on a potty That's a bidet you know what a bidet is but you don't know what a toilet is Scott what do I look dumb to you that was one of the cases I just had somebody was injured in a bidet accident oh no what happened yes they were sitting on a toilet with a gun all right guys well look we're running out of time we just have one final feature on the show and that's a little something called plugs Doing the plugs

Doing the plugs. Mm, nice and short and sweet, unlike our closing up the plug bag theme, that was doing the plugs by water aerobics. Water aerobics. Have you ever been injured in a water aerobics accident? Let me guess. You're swimming.

You have a gun? You're swimming with their gun in case Steve, the alligator, comes after you. This actually makes sense. You have to shoot him. So every time you take a like a stroke, you're shooting the gun is in case.

Stroke. Hey. Billy Squire. Great sample. I love that you guys are making jokes, but just know that a baby is involved here. Hang up the phone, Scott. No.

Open up the plug bag and hang up the phone. This is your child Italiano and I will take you to court. And I don't want to make this contentious, but I understand if that's what you want, that's what it's going to be. Will you take me to court? I will fight for you.

You'll fight for yourself. You're going to be providing this, what Antre was pitching this custody. I will prove that I am an unfit father and I am never to see that child ever. Oh, that's, okay. That's the opposite of what people usually do. All right, what do we plug in here?

David, obviously, medical police. Well, I do want to, if this is the time to really make a plug, I want to... You want to go horrid. Well, I just want to talk about a thing that I want people to check out. It's that I'm involved. It's called Grammer Clock Chair Duck. Grammar Clock Chair Duck. Yeah, grammar clock chair duck.

And basically, it's a duck on a chair. that's also a clock, and it helps you with grammar. And if people would go to my website, you can order it. You can order the, it's a chair? It's a charity. It all goes to charity. So it's a good cause. It's a chair or it's a duck?

Yep. And it's with the clock part tells the time. But is it a clock that has a duck on it or a chair? Probably for Christmas or New Year's. Or is it a chair that has a duck on it? That's holding a clock? I know. It's exactly that's exactly right.

Okay. Those kind of questions that get the whole family. What's it called again? Grammar clock chair duck. Grammar clock chair duck. And so that's exactly this kind of conversation you're going to end up having with your family and it's going to be a bonding moment. Can you give these as gifts? Yeah, it's a gift thing.

You can get them gift wrapped. You can get them not gift wrapped. Do they keep until next Christmas in case I don't know anyone who? My friends are hoarding them now because there is a half price sale. So there's no perishable element to this. The duck will keep? The duck keeps. It's a keep duck.

Grammar clock chair duck. Grammar chalk, clear. duck. All right. And Entree, what do you want to plug here? None. Okay. And Italiano Jones, anything? I would like to plug the law offices of Italiano Jones and associates with Melissianian items. Yes. Melissa. Melissa. Melissa. Melissa. And Scott, if you have ever been injured in any type of way. Any type of way. Entree.

Does it have to be gun related? It does not have to be, but that's preferable. It has gun or cooking. I specialize in those And when they intersect Also, if you would like to come out to your mother If she's a homophore I will break the news Do you have to be a crocodile

A reptile? Huh? Huh? Don't say huh I'm trying to stall You know what I said I didn't hear what you said This is a true

This is a true You didn't hear Okay All right Well I'll give you that one What'd you say? Never mind All right

I want to plug I'd like to plug something Sharon I'm going to need you to step up Italian Why is she still on the phone? I'd like to plug father There have been so many deaths That have occurred

You gotta unplug I think I heard the sound of your water breaking It did just break But I'm gonna sit here At seven and a half months No put it back Put that baby back Telliano you've got a pre-me son

Put it back up in there You've got a pre-me son Put it back up in there Taliano Taliano I'd like to plug fatherhood and it's underrated But more people should step up By the way, we're all kidding around here

But it is way too often They plug preemies back up into the woman And we've got to stop that I have a horrible practice Oh really That's called stop plugging preemies SPP And if you go to spp.org

Okay, if you go to STP though Then it's like stop it Right And if you go to STL Have you ever slipped in a puddle of STP brand oil? Most of your accidents seem to be oil-related or gun-related. All right, look, I have nothing to plug. Watch the Between Two Ferns movie if you haven't on your rectangle at home.

Oh, thank you, David. Also on Netflix. Also on Netflix. If you're spending a day at Netflix, watch Medical Police first, but then go spend an hour and a half with the Between Two Ferns movie. All right, let's hear that new closing up the plug bag theme. You start with a C, when you want to close it up, you lead with an L, and then you owe, oh, opening up the plug bag, opening up the plug bag, open it up, take your hands and open it up, then Horatio comes, and then he just says, Billoning all night

lines In the Danger Paradise They're standing all our lives It's in a danger of paradise Open up the plug bag And open it up Open it up Open it up

Open it up Let me get some pluggy plugs Open up Open up the plug bag Open up the plug bag Everybody wants to Open up the plug bag Keep it fucking open up the plugs.

Open up the plugs. Open up the plug. Open up the plug. Open it up. Okay. Can I ask a canonical question? Sure. What do you got to tell you?

Why did they say open up the plug back when we are closing it? Oh, everyone always asks this. I don't know. It's been happening for eight years, I believe. Maybe opposites attract. Okay. Hey, DJ Scott Cat. Speaking of eight years.

this baby What about it Hang on the phone, God What about eight years It's gonna be eight plus ten Yeah, eight plus ten Until it's Until you're no longer responsible

I'm about to take my gun to the bathroom Please don't Don't bring the oil in there either I'm taking this STP And this Wesson I'm gonna cook No, please don't In the bathroom

Look guys I want to thank you David Please don't make it another two years or however long it's been since another episode of Wayne Scotting. We got to keep this going. You let me know, I'm here, buddy. All right, very good. And

Entree? Yes, Scott. Another swing and a miss. I don't know that I missed. I got $2,000 and I ripped it up right in front of this man. You got $2 million. Two million. Excuse me. Wow, that is thousand. It really is. It's Aliano. Thank you so much.

Thank you for having me, Scott. And remember, I will fight for you. I do remember that. And Sharon, Sharon, do you remember that? David, do you remember that? Yeah. Yeah, a buddy of mine told me that a thousand thousand is a million. Nah, I don't think so. Well, you guys, while you guys are having fun in games, I just gave birth to a son

Italiano Jr. I am going to name him after you. You cannot deny him. Wait a second. This baby looks just... That baby is green and scaly and lone. Looks just like you. It looks like Steve.

That looks like Steve. Wait a man. The gay alligator? Yeah, I don't think he's gay. I have a confession. I did let a gay gator smash. I do have good gator gator. All right.

We'll see you next time. Bye.