Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Boo-nus Bang: Leo Karpatze's Monster Match '77

Episode Date: October 31, 2024

This episode of Boo-nus Bang was originally released on CBB World as a "CBB Presents." 1977. Jimmy Carter was sworn in as President, Smokey and the Bandit struck box office gold, and Monster Mash composer Leo Karpatze hosted a failed horror-themed dating show pilot entitled Monster Match. The unearthed raw audio from the taping is presented in its entirety for the first time ever. Produced & Edited by Brett MorrisStory by Ryan Perez & Nick WigerTheme Song by Brett Morris with Scott Passarella and Dana Wickens Featuring:Caroline AndersonMatt ApodacaHeather Anne CampbellShaun DistonAlana JohnstonMike MitchellJordan MorrisGriffin NewmanRyan PerezToni Charline RamosNick Wiger Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb 

Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here and welcome to our fourth and final Boo-ness Bang. That's right, the bonus bangs where I say the word boo instead of bow. What am I talking about? Anyway, these are episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we are bringing out and re-airing for you from the past. And this week we're doing something a little special. We are sharing an episode of CBB Presents. Now, what are CBB Presents? Well, they are comedy specials that we release regularly

on CBB World. These are opportunities for CBB characters to host their own shows. For instance, we have Hey Randy with Randy Snutz, Who Me with the Batman, E. Prey Dunk with Bill Walton. We just started airing the Gino Lombardo show. And occasionally we do specials, one-off specials. For instance, we did the Alimony Tony Valimony Shoney. And this week we even put out an episode of a Long Legs Halloween special with Long Legs interviewing famous serial killers

from movies. So we're gonna bring out one of the first CBB Presents episodes we ever made. And you heard Leo Carpazzi's death on this week's episode of CBB. Now here his first chronological appearance. It's Leo Carpazzi's Monster Match 77. This is a very funny special. In this episode, the famed Monster Match composer Leo Carpazzi hosts a failed horror-themed dating show, and this episode features Matt Apodaca, Heather Ann Campbell, Sean Distin, Mike Mitchell, Griffin Newman, and of course, Nick Weiger as Carpazzi. And of course, if you like what you hear and you want to hear other CBB Presents episodes,

you can become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com where you can find the entire CBB archive as well as every single live episode we've ever done as well as all of these specials that we do. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Until then, enjoy this boon-ness bang. CBB Presents. Until then, enjoy this BOO-ness-bang! CBB Presents In 1977, Leonard Leo Carpazzi, best known as the composer of the Halloween hit The Monster Mash, was tapped to host a dating show pilot entitled Monster Match.

The show was not picked up to series, and all known copies of the final edit were buried in a hidden tomb under CBS Radford Studios, now site of the Big Brother house. All that remains of the episode is the raw audio from the backup tape recorder. Is this thing on? Hello? Hello ladies and germs! So excited to have you all here for this taping of the Monster Match! I'm your announcer, Peanut Per Sullivan.

You may remember me from a single episode of Hollywood Squares a few years back. I filled in for Buddy Hackett when he had an ear infection. And I'll also be warming you up. So let's get started. First up, there's going to be lots to cheer for. So let's practice applauding. No golf claps. Really show them what you're working with.

And applause. Don't be shy about laughing. Let's practice laughing, shouldn't we? And laugh. And you may see some joker make a complete fool of himself. And that's when we'll need to hear some derisive laughter. Give me some derisive laughter, y'all. Ha ha ha! Right on, right on.

And since it's a dating show, things might get a little spicy. And when that happens, you got to give me some oohs and woo's. Give me some woo's. Woo, baby. Terrific. Now imagine someone just insulted someone else and your reaction is like, damn, that comment was sassy.

Let's hear that in woo form. Oh! Woo! Woo! Oh, hell no. Quick reminder, there is no flash photography, especially because there will be live monsters on stage and they think it's fire.

And in the rare event we need to form an impromptu anti-monster mob, pitchforks are located under your seats. And on that note, let's introduce the cast and crew. Over there on the guitar is our bandleader, the sheriff of the sixth string, Morris Brooke. And right here is our show runner, daytime Emmy voter, the great Dick Nightingale. Hello folks. If you like the show's stumpers and the magnificent marble machine, this will be right up your alley. And now, without further ado, let's introduce the man you came to see. You know him as the composer of the holiday novelty songs the Monster Mash and Easter basket blues Leo Carpansi

thank you thank you wow what novation I want to first thank a few people who made today possible my agent Buzz Caffty, my best friend and partner in crime, Bob Crane, and of course, Frankenstein. Folks, you are lucky. You get to help decide if our little show that could will chug its way to the top of the syndicated television mountain or derail tragically, killing the hundreds of souls on board. Isn't that exciting? Now, if you've never been to a TV taping before, let me explain. It's kind of like making whoopee. See, the more noise you make, the more joy

we give you and the more fun we all end up having. Like making whoopee. Now the neighbors can't hear you, so don't be afraid to make some noise Unlike our wives a dick my wife has passed. I told you that Right, but my point stands. She's quiet Eternally quiet. Hey, how about a quick Q&A with the crowd any questions at all? Oh, yes you sir Yeah, hey Leo, whatever happened to your music career It's on the back burner. Next question. Cause you and Bobby Boris Pickett really had something. We went our separate ways, it's dead and buried.

Can someone else have a question? Someone else please. Aren't you at least gonna sing for us today? How about that folks? Would you like Leo to sing the Master Mash for you? No! I'll never sing again! Uh, okay. They're telling me we're just about ready to go so the lights will go down. And when they come up, get ready to scream for the Monster Mash. Here we go in 3, 2, 1... Live from Barstow, two, one. Live from Boston, California,

logistics capital of North America, it's Monster Match, the spooky dating game show. Presented by CJ Sampson Drill & Company and Uggle Brand Seafood and Lettuce Molds, and me, I'm Peanut Per Sullivan. Now please welcome your master of scaramonies, Leo Carl Pansy. Thank you, thank you, and hello, boys and ghouls. I think you'll find today's episode of Monster Match

to be a real scream, as these monsters and monsterettes try to find the creature of their screams. Scream pun in the copy twice. So without further Abu, let's meet our first monster looking for love. She's a vampire. Hide your necks. It's Jeannie Delgado. Jeannie, thank you for being here.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Okay, my name is Jeannie Delgado and Iannie, thank you for being here. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Okay, my name is Jeannie Delgado and I wanna clarify something right here, which is that I am not a vampire. My hands, my hands were bit by a vampire. So my hands are vampires. The rest of me is still flesh and blood, baby.

I am looking for love, but I am just my hands. They sleep in little coffins in the daytime and at the nighttime I'm working at Choco briquettes off I-90. So if you want to find me and you want a discount on a dog or like a hamburger, I got you. I'm Jeannie Delgado. I'm a human being, but my hands are vampires. Jeannie, I am just confused anatomically.

My thought would be that if a vampire bit your hands, your circulatory system would lead your entire body to be contagious. Okay, no, no, no, no. So I got bit in my hands, as I said, and then I called an Uber, and on the way to the hospital, I sat on my hands so the blood flow stopped. So, when I got to the hospital, my hands were dead. They were vampires. They want to kill. They want blood. They are hungry all the time. sometimes, you know, if I'm not paying attention

they just lash out at a customer and they just tear out the throat of the customer and they drink it like a little puppet would and That's that's so I don't know if you got a logic bump there. It's not it happened to me. It happened to me I was I was I Unsolved Mysteries Brazil, which is, they cover like secondary B level Unsolved Mysteries and they, I, so you can, there's like a YouTube clip that's been translated. I've just said some of this vocabulary you'll have to explain to me here in 1977. I'm a little thrown. Uber, I assume, was a friend of yours. You called him for a ride? Okay, hold on. So here's the thing. Vampires can see into the future.

All right? So that's it. That's it. They can read minds. They can see in the future. They can fly. They turn into a bat. A lot of these skills are useless for my hands.

My, when my hands become bats, it just makes it hard to do stuff around the house. But if I'm, if I'm sometimes I'm like, oh, I see the future and it's, it's, uh, your Aldo Rivera is going to open a safe. And then I see father in the future and it's the launch of the PlayStation. And then I see father in the future. And I'm I'm I'm thinking like I confuse my own car for an Uber. An Uber is like it's like it's like a taxi that has no rights or something.

I don't know. I can't really follow all that. But yeah, here I am in 1977, but I'm working the charcoal briquettes off the I-90. And again, if you need, if you need like a chocolate shake or one of those swirls where you do a vanilla and a chocolate in the same shake, I gotcha. Well, Jeannie, I may talk to your hands after the show. Find out if we get picked up to series. Wait, you want me to jerk you off? Is that what that is?

No, I was trying to, no, I was making that your clairvoyance. I was making like a. You do not want that to happen. My hands are dangerous. They are vampires. They tear your dick right off and throw it out the window. Right. I was just trying to talk that you could see the future so you could see the fate of the show. That's all I was saying.

It wasn't. I just wanted to be transparent here. OK. Jeannie, are you ready to meet your monster match? Hey, okay. So we're getting paid for this, right, Leo? Yeah, yeah. This is a paid gig. Okay. Because I, because you know, I never got paid for Leo Carpazzi's ha ha hallo scream. On that one, everyone was paid in exposure. Okay exposure to what? Asbestos?

Hey save your questions for your suitors. Alright let's meet your vampire bachelors. Peanut? Vampire Bachelors, peanut. Vampire Bachelor number one is a wolf man. Please howl for Lawrence Talbot. Hello Lawrence, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me Leo, what an honor. What an honor it is to be here today, thank you. Lawrence, I must address this right off the top.

You were introduced as a wolf man, but you seem to be a normal man. Okay, well look, the full moon is only like what, once a month? You're just gonna have to believe me on this, okay? You're not the wolf man all the time. It was, look, my clothes are ripped. Right. Right? I got obvious scratches from a beast, okay? These are self-inflicted. You just gotta believe me here, okay? I believe you. I mean, it would have been better for the show if we got a full-fledged vamp.

Maybe we should have recorded, maybe we should have taped during the full moon. I guess that's a production issue. You know, that would have been better for me too. I got something after this. I'm going up against the clock here. Well, you're booked for something else right after this taping? Yeah, I got a busy day.

I would have been much better. I would have I, you know, when I initially signed on, I thought it was I had my dates crossed. I thought it was yesterday. I was like, that's going to be great. I'm going to be the wolf man. This is good. I sat around all day yesterday. Wolf manned out. Didn't do a damn thing.

Let's find out who Lawrence you will be competing against here on Monster Match. Peanut? Vampire Bachelor number two is the missing link between man and fish. Hold your breath, it's Creature FT Black Lagoon. Creature, lovely to have you. Now this is a monster! Yeah thanks, it's great to be here. It's great to be here on the show. And I just want to say, praise Jesus. I am only here because of Christ's love. OK, we may have to take some of that out in the edit. So just if we could try to stay.

This is more of a Randy, you know, Ryeballed atmosphere. If we could maybe sort of stay away from the religiosity of it. Well, I'm afraid I can't do that because Christ is my guiding light. I follow him like a lighthouse He's the only reason I'm still alive today and I honor him through all I do Okay, well you are you know what by all appearances an abomination But you have had some sort of encounter with the divine that has informed your current spirituality. What exactly happened?

Yeah, that's true. I mean, I lived most of my life as a decadent sinner swimming around in various black lagoons, taking maidens off boats, biting them, etc. Right. biting them, et cetera. And then, but I also, but I also had problems with drugs. I have people, listen, if people need to dispose of drugs, you know where they go? The Black Lagoon.

They hurled various drugs into the lagoon and I got hooked. I was just eating whatever people would throw in there because I needed a high and I would keep eating more and more and then I realized I had a high and I would keep eating more and more. Then I realized I had a problem. I went to what I thought was a monster mash, but it was really an intervention. Everyone was there.

Frankenstein, Bride of Frankenstein. They had the whole gang, and I was there ready for a mash. I was ready there. I went to that lab late one night, and they sat me down and told me I had a problem and I had heard all of them and so I went through the program and through God's divine love I was saved. Well I'm glad you're on the other side of it creature but let's try to stay away from the monster mash of

it all because you know that it all, because that's going to create a whole legal situation where me and Bobby Boris pick it. I just don't want to get into this. This is Monster Match. It's a different piece of intellectual property. And it's great to have you. Thank you.

It's good to be here. Praise Christ. Well, thank you, Lawrence Creature, for being here, I guess. These guys are such duds. Hey, if I wasn't getting paid for this, I'd be outta here so fast. Whoa, wait, we are getting paid, right?

Cause I never got paid for Leo Carpazzi's cool tide Christmas. You're all getting paid. Okay, Genie, it's time for you to interview your vampire bachelors. Okay, do you believe in love at first fright? Lawrence? Yes, I do believe in love at first fright because something that captures my attention every time that sweet sweet moon

And if you if you if you looked at me at the moon I don't want to be in your light every single day or night Oh my god, I love it, I love it, I love it Okay, how about you creature? You creature Ft. Black Lagoon or night rather. Oh my God. Wow, okay. I love it, I love it, I love it. Okay, how about you creature, you creature F.T. Black Lagoon? Yes, I mean, well, to me, to me there's no stronger love than that

between a man, a woman, and Christ Jesus. Because a lot of times, All right. You live your life just eating whatever people throw in a lagoon. And then the next thing you know, you're hooked on H. And, you know, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how much someone loves you. If they're not loving you with Christ's love, it's just it's pointless.

So I would I would throw the question back on you. Do you do you do you believe that Jesus died for you? Did you believe he died for your sins? And do you believe that the Holy Spirit and God and Jesus are one? I want to make something clear you're making my hands really upset Okay, cuz all this Jesus talk all that like Holy Spirit. They do not like it They want to get the fuck out of here. You know what I mean? They do not want to be a part of this So I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt here here but you got to be careful because you know vampires are

notoriously afraid of crosses afraid of the holy water and you're just tossing those those terms around my hands like they're willy-nilly you know okay I'll what I'll watch it if you'll watch the commode talk the what oh the bathroom talk yes please try to avoid don't say bathroom the bathroom talk? Yes, please try to avoid- Yeah, don't say bathroom. The bathroom is a sinful room. You sin? Like, you're sinning when you're using the bathroom? Yes. Like going number one and number two?

To defecate is a sin. It involves the butt. These are human- well, I guess you're inhuman. That's right. But these are natural things for anyone in the animal kingdom. Disagree. Wow, okay, fair enough. Alright, I guess you're inhuman. That's right. But these are natural things for anyone in the animal kingdom. Disagree. Wow, okay, fair enough. All right, I got a question. Please, go ahead. You ready?

All right, so this was a little bit personal to me. As you know, my hands are vampires, and during the day, they gotta stay out of their sun. Where would you want me to keep my hands during the day to keep them out of the light? Now listen, I've been around the block a couple times. I need to keep my hands during the day to keep on the light. Now listen, I've been around the block a couple times. I've done some crazy things for H that you wouldn't believe, but I don't appreciate the Rye-Bald tone of your question. But fortunately, we can't involve your hands

in the one sexual act that God approves of. Which is- There's only one- What is that? There's only one sexual act that God approves of. Which is only one. What is that? There's only one sexual act that I can perform because it's the only one that God approves of. It's called gill soaking. Gill soaking? Yeah, here's what you do.

You stick your tongue or dick or hands in my gills and you just leave them there. It's the only thing, it's the only thing I can do. You're saying the act of thrusting is what makes it an anti-Christian act? Yeah, that's sinful, it's as sinful as shitting. You got on Jeannie for the foul language earlier. But I'm scolding someone for it.

You're pretty casual about it now. Okay. So basically what you can do with those little hands of yours is you can stick them in my gills and you can leave them there. You can't move them around. You can't thrust them, but you can leave those nasty little vampire hands in my gills.

And then after we're properly married, then you can thrust. I have to be honest that sounds more intimate to me than vaginal sex like that sounds that's where you breathe through. Yeah well potato potato I guess. Fair enough. Lawrence? Well personally I'd like to see your hands wrapped around a lock and some chains to restrain me for when the full moon strikes, I am no longer able to harm anyone. Please take the chains and lock me away so I don't hurt a soul. I'll be honest. Yeah, I was hoping somebody would say in my pants. I was hoping you'd just be like in my pants

Lawrence I'm trying to help you out a little bit here Perhaps when you know you're stricken with lycanthropy and the full moon emerges, that's when you're most filled with animal lust You're in heat. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you can give me a little screechy scratch under the chin or A little yeah rub my belly or something. That's good. Rubbing is sinful. She can put your hands on your belly and she can leave them there, but she can't scratch. Scratching makes God angry.

On one hand, on one of my vampire hands, I got a Christian and my vampire hands angry about that. On the other side, I got a lycanthrope and my vampire hands hate lycanthrope. So this is a really hard decision for me, Leo. I just want to about that. On the other side, I got a lycanthrope and my vampire hands hate lycanthrope. So this is a really hard decision for me, Leo. I just want to make that clear. Well Jeannie, let's get one more question and maybe that will inform which of these vampire bachelors you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Okay. It's Valentine's Day. And there's three corpses in my living room. How do you arrange them so that I know that you love me? Tell me how you what you do with the bodies. That's what I want to know how you arrange corpses to express love. Look, I like to be spoiled. All right, so I want to know like I want to I want to

I've got what Leo you don't have any ideas cuz you're like a normal human being you ain't never you never know Tragedy ever happen to you we got a Swamp sludge and a and a wolf boy, and I got a vampire hands I haven't heard some tragedies. I've been betrayed professionally. Like what? There's three tragedies. We don't need to re-litigate it here. We're here to have fun. And find a vampire date. What's the top one? We don't need to talk about it, okay?

Let's have fun with our monster dating show. And answer the goddamn question. What do we do with the corpses to impress this broad? I bet he hit a kid. I bet he hit a kid with his car Yeah, I've any duties he's sweating so much I sounded like he had at least three right like he didn't let me he didn't have any let's get back on track You know what screw the bodies I want if you here's what I want for my final question What do you think Leo is guilty of? Oh

Wait a minute Well, I mean if he's ever been near a lagoon He probably was tempted to feel around in there and see what people threw in And if he did that he'd probably find some tasty H or coke or smack Which is another name for H. I've spent some time in black lagoons, but it's just to visit my friend's swamp thing. I think what you did, I think you probably

took some swamp drugs and you got in your car and you hit a kid and no one was around. The kid was playing hide and seek and you hit a kid and you threw him in the bushes and nobody ever find out found out But it haunts you Well, this isn't the way this isn't what we're here for to talk about whether I did or didn't hit a kid or kids She told me to guess so I guessed okay Just trying to find somebody to stick their hands in my gills and leave them there until we're married

Lawrence I guess you can answer what you think I'm guilty of Except I feel like it's I'm guilty of, except I feel like it's I'm guilty of nothing but being part of a partnership that dissolved. Well, if I had to take a guess, I don't know specifically your whereabouts on November 22nd, 1963. And I just wanted to know if you happen to be anywhere near a grassy knoll of some kind. Look, I may have a close personal friendship with Lyndon Johnson,

but I did not conspire to kill John F. Kennedy. Can I change my answer to shot Kennedy? Let's just get to the decision. Okay. Jeannie Delgado, you've heard from Lawrence, you've heard from Creature. Now, which of these vampire bachelors will be your monster match? Well, I'm gonna have to say that I'm going with Lawrence.

Wow! Yeah, and most of the month we'll have a great time and one day out of the month. I'm gonna I'm gonna Tie that bitch up and put a minute in a cage Now we're talking Well fair enough. Well, maybe you can do that at your romantic half-day getaway to Club Med Stockton Congratulations Can I just donate that chip to charity? Do I need to?

No, no you can't. And condolences to Creature FD Black Lagoon, though you are walking away with a consolation prize, peanut. Our loser gets a pet rock. Stick around, we'll be right back with more Monster Match! And we're clear! with more Monster Match! And we're clear! Alright folks, great job so far. Now who in the audience has a talent they'd like to share?

No one? Okay, I guess I'll show you this shoulder dislocating trick I learned as a POW. Dick, be brutally honest with me. How hard am I killing? You're doing fine. Just keep in mind we're hearing everything you say under your breath. How? Well, you're muttering directly into the microphone. Hey, I don't love saying vampire bachelor. I think it's confusing. People are going to expect a Dracula. Well, in all fairness, Genie was a vampire. Yeah, hand vampire. And we got a human wolfman and a born again swamp creature. What kind of monsters

are you booking here, dick? You signed off on them. I show you the list and you sign off. I'm not responsible if you sign off on something that you don't like. And can we please just try another term for the bachelorettes? How about bat-chiller-rets? Bachelorettes. How about Bat-Chiller-Retz? Bat-Chiller-Retz? Chiller? Like they're cold? No, Chiller. Like a scary movie. Like Rosemary's Baby. Oh, Chiller. I don't know. Chiller's kind of a thinker, if you ask me. I don't know. Well, everyone says Chiller, but fine. How about Batch-Hell-Ooretz? And that's just off the noodle. Your room full of Ivy League eggheads couldn't beat that?

Standards won't let us say H.E. Double Hockey Sticks, no way. Dick, dick, dick, why are you always caving to the man? Fine, we'll stick with Vampire Bacheloretz. That's our only option. Apparently I'm the only one around here who wants this show to work, so. Okay, they're telling me we're ready. If you can find your Mark Leo. Fine. Unbelievable.

All right, see how I can swing it around and it's all crazy. Let me pop this bad boy back into place. Ah! Okay, we're back in three, two, one. Welcome back to Monster Match. Well, the tables have turned, and now it's time for a lucky fella to pair the affections

of two stone foxes. Peanut, he's a lab assistant in need of romantic assistance. Act alive for Igor. Igor, an honor. Thanks for making the time. Yeah, yeah. The pleasure is all mine. Hey, we're going to get paid for this, right?

Because I never got paid for Leo Carpazzi's Scary Sketch Show. It was actually called Leo Carpazzi's spooky sketch review, if you remember. It should have been Rebu, missed opportunity. With you, it's always, I'll get you on the next one. I'll get you on the next one, and then the next one never comes, and...

This is the next one, okay, Igor? Hmm. Christ. Okay. Now let's play the game, okay? Now now Igor. Why haven't you settled down? Well, I'm really busy all the time I work for my boss dr Frankenstein good friend and also I have this gigantic hump Which you know is a bit of a turn off for people. Is it growing? Am I mistaken? Is it growing? It swells. Sometimes when I get turned on I see that it swells up.

Because it is positively throbbing right now. Yeah I'm rock hard. My hump is rock hard right now. Yeah, I'm rock hard. My hump is rock hard right now. I'm excited. I'm excited for the game. Okay, fair enough. You have a lot of qualities. You're a very successful monster. You work in a very prestigious lab.

I work long hours. My boss tries to push the hours, Dr. Frankenstein, into the weekend. But I'm actually, Igor, I'm actually a member of IATSE. And we are about to strike. Oh, you're unionized. I didn't realize Monster Techs were with IATSE. So all the lab assistants organized. Good for you.

Thank you, yeah. But my work is my life. So it's hard to meet someone who can deal with those hours. And yeah, you know, when I say I'm too busy, I have work, I really mean it, you know, but a lot of a lot of people don't understand. They're running you ragged. And I imagine the kind of tasks you have to do, you know, carrying flasks around, pouring dangerous toxins, using electricity that could electrocute you at any moment, it seems very dangerous. Yes, zapping electrodes, waking up monsters,

picking out the perfect pubic push for my boss's monster. That's your responsibility? Yes, yes. You're raiding tombs and exhuming corpses and trying to find the best pubic bush. That's my job. Yeah, the last, man, 17 months. He's never satisfied. I mean that just seems like he's locked in on one small detail that most people aren't going to notice about this monster. Won't even see, honestly. I know, but he wants his monster to have the perfect bush and I've been searching for it

and I can't find it. Well you're searching for something else today. Love. That's right. And hey, hopefully you'll get lucky in more ways than one. It's time to meet our first vampire bachelorette, Peanut. She's a blob, and she'll really grow on you. Please welcome the blob.

Hello, the blob. Hey. Hey. Hey, welcome to this fun dating show. We'd love to have fun high energy here on this dating show. Hey, no, I'm sorry. Yeah, no, I, this is, I'm very excited, happy to be here. Thank you for having me. Does that suck?

Can we hold for one second? Sure. Hey, Dick, the hell kind of monster is this? I don't know, she had a very good audition. I thought we were gonna get some monster babes. We got a blob? The blob. So a monster mate, you might find your perfect match

here today, your monster match, if you will. What are you looking for? Oh, God. Somebody that will tolerate me, somebody that wants to hang out, somebody that doesn't wanna do a lot, somebody that, you know, to the best of their ability, respects me, and...

Not a lot, honestly, not a lot. So yeah, it seems like you have a pretty low threshold for a romantic partner. High tolerance for pain, low threshold for anything else really. But you can feel pain. Oh yeah, for sure. Emotionally, physically, I feel it all, yeah.

Because if you pardon my characterization, you kind of seem like this amorphous amoeba-like entity and it's hard to tell even where to look when talking to you. Honestly, thank you. That's exactly kind of what I'm like. I spill over into things. I engulf things. You get near me, it's not gonna be good. But that, you can have a relationship other than that.

I'm not asexual, so I am gonna want some sexy time. Hey, I have a question for the for the blob for my potential love We're not to that part of the game show yet, but I'll allow it No go for it go ahead Igor do you engulf Beings like the 50s movie blob or Do you disintegrate them like the future upcoming 80s blob? Or do you disintegrate them like the future upcoming 80s blob? So you've also seen the script for the upcoming blob remake because that's been going around Hollywood.

Yes. And I have to say it's good. It's a good script. It's very I'm trying to get I'm trying to get someone attached. Hey, me too. There is actually a documentary about me coming out next year. Wait, no, it already came out. It's called Beware of the Blob. So basically it's just engulfing and then from there it's just like a real, they're still in me. Some of them are still in me. Things, toys, places, people, animals, you name it. I got it in me.

No disintegration? After a while there's some disintegration. Is that what you're into? I'm also a very open lover as well. If that's what you're into, I could get into it. My question is, yes, that's good, good, but the question is, if there's intercourse, will the penis disintegrate within your body?

You'll just have to wait and see. Come on, I like that answer. Okay, good. Hey, hump grew like 50%. Oh wow, this is like, yeah, we should test to see if we're related at all, because I grow too when I get excited. I'm gonna fall over like the Flintstones car

when they get that rack of ribs. Oh, I know. That cartoon's too edgy for me. There's gonna be a flash flood in here if I get too excited. Hey, Kevin Dillon's attached to that new blob movie. Oh yeah. Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

What is, why are you saying it? I'm excited! I'm excited! Okay. Oh yeah, great. I like that too. Yeah, I mean I like it. Oh yeah!

Oh yeah! Oh yeah! See everyone's saying good. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. See, everyone's saying it. Oh yeah. And oh yeah, how about we introduce our next vampire bachelorette. Peanut? She's a clog.

Whatever that means. Stop your feet for Belindor. A clog. Belindor. Hi, I just want to say I've heard absolutely everything and I'm having the best time. You guys are some of my closest friends even though we haven't met and oh yeah, whatever that was about. It's intoxicating. Oh yeah.

I'm having the best time saying it. It's intoxicating. Oh yeah! I'm having the best time saying it! It's really good. Uh, now Belindor, I've gotta say, I've got quite the mental encyclopedia of monsters, having encountered so many over the years and worked with many of them, befriended others, romance still others. But I'm unfamiliar with clogs. What is a clog exactly? Oh, that's because I was man-made, and my hands and feet are real clogs, see?

Oh. Wow. Yeah, pretty fun, right? You're like some sort of golem? You were made from wood? Or are you part person part clog? Part person, part clog. And this just in, all the person parts are the private parts. Ooh. Uh huh. Are you confused by that, Igor? Yeah, Igor, don't you get it?

I'm very confused. You won't be. Now Belindor, beyond just being someone who will tolerate you as a living creature, what exactly are you looking for in a mate Belindor? Thank you so much for asking the question I knew you were going to ask. Number one, attendance. It's so fun when both people show up to the place they said they were going to show up to. Number two, babies. Whether you find them, you talk about them, you know about them, I'm all about it.

And another thing that matters to being a mate is somebody that wants to talk to my soul, not my clogs. Well, that's a pretty. That's music to my ears. Oh, that's another thing. They have to like music like this. I'm into it. Wow. Intoxicating rhythm. Thanks.

I'm actually releasing an EP. It's called Clog, clog you. And I really think people are going to respond to it. So look for that wherever you buy records. Hey, two very different energies from our two vampire bachelorettes. What direction will our bachelor, Igor, go in? We're about to find out. Let's get into the game. Well, so confusing because you say vampire bachelorettes, yet neither is a actual vampire.

One is a clog. Can we hold real quick? Dick, this is exactly what I was talking about. When we talked you between the breaks, I said, vampire bachelorettes is confusing, people are gonna expect a damn Dracula, and that's exactly what happened. I still think it's an improvement over Chiller

or whatever else you were thinking. I just think it's the best option. It's not a perfect option. It's the best option, though. It doesn't, we're locked into it now, so it doesn't matter, I'm sorry. Go on, Igor. I was going to say instead it's a morphous blob.

Yes. And I believe four clogs with a private part in the middle. It looks basically like a flesh light. Yes, I can hear you. Wait, what did you say? Did you mean flashlight? Yes. Well, sometimes my master he puts together a flesh light a Flashlight made of pure flesh. Yes

That's disgusting Could I I know we're just supposed to be asked and that's fine with me. But could I ask? The bachelor a question, but could I ask the Bachelor a question? Of course, please the blob. Um, honestly, have you ever used the fleshlight or a fleshlight before? Um, I plead the fifth. That means yeah, for sure. Yeah, I have used it, yes. You've used it to illuminate something.

Yes, illuminate things, of course. Because it's a flashlight made of flesh. You use the electrical component to light something. Yeah. Okay. Also, one time I did fuck it. Just one time, honestly? Multiple times. Okay. Multiple times.

Okay. Wowee. That hump is pulsating. All the lights on stage are reminding me of the flashlight. Oh wow. Then consider me your spotlight. Wow.

Hey Igor, how about you ask your two vampire bachelorettes a question? Of course. Blob. Clock. Now, first dates can be awkward. We all know it's true. But I'm a laid back kind of guy. I work a lot. And so I like to have a good time and relax on a date. What's your perfect idea of the first romantic date? Great question.

Well... Oh sorry, go ahead, Bob. No, no, you seem really excited. I'm stupid, go ahead. Oh, sorry. No, go ahead. No, no, you seem really excited. I'm stupid. Go ahead. Oh Okay, I guess so. Well My idea of a dream first date would first of all to be to meet the parents. Let's get it out of the way And then after we do that I'd love to go on a long romantic walk on a few bridges and then compare the bridges.

And then we could have sex. That's very nice. Oh wow, especially the last part. Yeah. Just going straight to the moon immediately. Thank you. I hope so if all goes well. A little awkward for me because my parents threw me in a river as a baby. Oh, wow. My hump killed my mother on the way out and then my father actually specifically threw me in the river.

Okay, I guess I could meet one of your neighbors. The Wolfman? The Blob, how about you? Your ideal first date? Honestly, whatever you'd want. Now we're talking. Like a nice buffet or something. And then we could just walk around but not on bridges because I feel like that I'm stealing a date idea.

But really just what do you like? Because I like it. Well, this all sounds good to me, but you wouldn't engulf me at all during the date, would you? Not purposely. I don't think so, for sure. I'd try. Yeah, not to.

I'd try not to. Again. You could maybe go see a movie or something. I know that you've been to, I try not to. Again- You could maybe go see a movie or something. I know that you've been to the movies before. Yeah. You attacked a movie theater full of people and- I didn't attack, I was walking and so happens

I engulfed a movie theater. I'd love to go back and just kind of, you know, make new memories. And I would love love I love that. I love I love movies. What movies do you like? Movies I like. Yeah. Well, I was reading the script for this new Kevin Dillon movie. Oh, yeah. What?

It's called Entourage the Movie. Oh wow. How did you get your hands on that? I haven't even heard of it. I have a lot of inside connections. Wow. Yeah, great. I'd love to see that.

I'm also talking to Disney about the rights for my likeness for a movie. It's down to me and one other guy. Who is it? This guy from France. Eww. Oh, I know. Yeah, he was our first to ask, but he wasn't available. Oh, god damn it.

Let's ask another question of these vampire bachelorettes while we've got them. You got it, Leo. Here we go. Now, I'm not a typical guy. You know, I don't go by the common roles of a man has to do this and the woman in the relationship has to do this. So my question is, if we ever got married, how would you propose? Great question.

The blob? Well, I'd probably use my words. And I'd probably do something like this. Igor, you're my all, you're my everything. Without you, I'm not going to live anymore. And I'm not even joking about it. Anyways, pressure aside, will you marry me? Oh, my God. Pretty grim.

But I kind of thought it was romantic. High pressure. I thought it was kind of like Romeo and Juliet, like romantic. Your turn, Blob. Oh, whoa. Even talking about marriage makes me sick, but Um, whoa, even talking about marriage makes me sick. But, um, uh, I'd say, uh, listen, you don't have to. And a matter of fact, I don't blame you if you just said no and you should run the other, the other way.

And I, and I suck. And, um, um, and thank you so much for being with me as much as you have. And if you do marry me, I promise to do whatever I can, whatever you want to keep you, to be around you. Please and thank you. Okay, look, I only have one last question, so I need to make it a really good one. Yeah. So, I guess I should just ask you, what's your favorite smell? Oh, God. Hopes and dreams. What's your favorite smell? Oh god.

Hopes and dreams. Uh, dick and sewage. You like that more? Yeah. Will it influence your decision? We're about to find out. Because Igor, it's time to decide which of these dames you will be taking home to Mummy. That's right. You're going to, I'm going to take you all home to meet THE Mummy, to be

clear. He's cool. The best guy. He's very cool. He's the best guy. And he always- Got drinks with him at the Sands. Had the best time. That's funny that you went to the Sands. Just stories all night. You know, I was like, hey, the mummy, is that where you want to go to?

Is that the casino? And he picked it out. Straight from the airport. That's so on the nose. He was like, we got to go to the Sands. I was like, all right. Hit the steam room with a Rat Pack. Wow.

Hell of a time. Hey, how's that Dean Martin hog? Yeah. Let me tell ya. That thing hits your eye like a big pizza pie. Wow, slap some sewage on that and the blob is in love. Yeah, you don't even have to slap it on that I get it. My master and I are anxiously awaiting Dean Martin's death

so that I can rob his grave and take that big hog from him. That pubic push would do you well too I tell you. Mm-hmm, I've heard. Best of both worlds. So what is your decision? Okay, this is a really hard thing to do, but... I guess the winner is... I'm excited, but sad, but excited to choose... The Blob! Oh, God. Oh, God, yes.

Thank you so much. You won't regret it. You're probably going to regret it instantly, but you won't regret it. I'll try not to make you regret it. Clog, apologies. I just feel like you'd be really loud all the time with clogging around and making noise.

You're right. It's OK. I've never found love, and I probably never will. But at least I've got a musical beat. Yeah! Well congrats to Igor and the Blob. You've won a houseboat trip across the Salton Sea. And tough luck to our loser Belindor,

but you are not going home empty handed. Is she, Peanut? You're taking home our consolation prize. A can of tan! Oh my god! This is wild! How are you gonna open that thing? Oh... um... Anyway, don't drink it all in one night. We'll be back with more Monster Match!

Don't drink it all in one night. We'll be back with more Monster Match. And we're clear. Alright, you guys are doing amazing. Now, who's been on a vacation out of the country? No one? Well, I have. Let me tell you the tale of peanuts erotic Tunisian adventure. I was eating shit out there. That segment was a disaster. Igor had no chemistry with either of those freaks. Yeah, but that's when your hosting skills shine.

Cram it, Nightingale. You're like the Joe Namath of passing the buck. Hey, why do you keep telling everyone they're getting paid? We can't afford that. You blew half the budget on green goo. Is the green goo rigged to fall from the ceiling? Yeah, when I pull this lever, but I still don't get what the bid is. At the end of the night, we dump green goo on all the contestants.

It'll be hilarious. Okay, all due respect. And you know I respect you. This seems like something that should not be done on television. Dumping green goo from the ceiling will be a sensation. I'm ahead of my time, trust me. Fine, sure, whatever. You know, could you show any enthusiasm for this? I'm sorry. It's just, uh, as a recently widowed man, I didn't realize how emotionally taxing it would be to work on a dating show. By goodness, I'm very sorry, Dick, of course. I shouldn't have expected you to do your goddamn job.

Jesus Christ, Leo. No, you're grieving. You should draw a salary while sitting poolside in Palm Springs sipping a slow gin fizz. Take your mark, Leo. Fine. Do you have an extra dexamil on you? This is my last one, though. I got a third act of power through, dick. Okay, okay, take it.

Thank you. And though it was just one passionate orgy under the Tunisian moon, it's a fire that burns in my loins to this very day. Mmm! Alright folks, settle in. We're back in three, two, one. Welcome back to Monster Match. Cupid's arrow has already given us two happily buried couples.

And now we have one more lucky lad, Peanut. Our next aspiring love bird is some kind of monster. Please welcome Han Velsey. Some kind. Well, hello, Han. Hi, Leo. Hey, just to be clear, this is paid, right? You will definitely be compensated. Financially?

Boy, Han sure is an unusual name. Reminds me of that movie Star Wars. You seen it? Uh, yeah, yeah. No, about a hundred times, Leo. I couldn't get into it. Really? Why was Han's last name Solo? They never explained it. Well it's just his name, you know? It's a galaxy far, far away.

Han Solo, they needed to explain it. Completely took me out of the movie. That was your problem with the movie? You wanted like a scene where they said, oh sir, you're all alone. Your name is Han Solo or something like that. I mean, that's a great pitch. That would have helped a ton. And I don't get the appeal

of this Harrison Ford fella at all. You know, Han should have been played by a suave ladies man like Dustin Hoffman or Robert Blake. This crowd knows what I'm talking about. I can't disagree. Anyway, Han Velsing, what are you looking for in a partner? Partner? Why stop at just one? You know, I'm here to collect as many monsters as I can.

Ooh, Casanova. And what would you say you have to offer the monster of your screams? Hey, just look at me. These monsters will never forget meeting me. I'm hoping to lock them all down, long term. Mmm, ladies do love confidence. Well, I think all these monsters will be spending a lot of time with me. Probably forever. Alright, okay.

I plan on being there, ball and and chain if you know what I mean Now you're being cryptic, but I like Crips now. Let's meet your vampire bachelorettes First up. I'm sure you wouldn't mind getting lost with this minotaur s from the labyrinth. It's a Lasseteria Nice to meet you lassie Okay Nice to meet you, lassie. Okay, who else do we have? Next, she'll hug you and never let go. A mass of tentacles from another plane, please welcome... Hello to you, madam.

They're both non-verbal. I'm gonna have to do a lot of heavy lifting. Damn it, Dick! Hey, hey, Leo, doesn't matter. After all, they have the right to remain silent, right? Huh? Because they and every monster in this studio are under arrest! Because you know what kind of monster I am?

A monster hunter! And my name isn't really Han Velzing. No. Dick, give me a pen. Monster Hunter! And my name isn't really Han Velzing. No. Dick, give me a pen. Okay, let me see. Han Velzing. Move the V over to this side.

And then that creates room for the H in its place. Okay. Now the V goes back here. It's like a cipher. Oh my god! You're Van Helsing! That's right. And you set up the perfect honey trap. I'm loading up a paddy wagon to monster's penitentiary!

You set us up, Carpazzi! That's why you lied about us getting paid. Everyone's getting paid, and I didn't set anyone up. Yeah, for the record, he didn't. I wouldn't trust him to coordinate a picnic. Far easier to just dupe you. Van Helsing, you jive turkey. In fact, I think you should probably get fitted for a pair of cuffs yourself, Carpazzi. For aiding and abetting a known monster. And for stealing your basic gameplay format from the dating game, a Chuck Barris production.

I'm in a tight spot here. Do something, Carpazzi. Leo! The goo! Oh, right, Peanut. Hey, Van Helsing, could you stand on that X for me? It's the best lighting for this audience to adulate you. Oh, sure thing, of course. You know, time to let these ordinary people revel in their hero's hour of triumph. Yeah, very good, Van Helsing. We're all very proud of goo. Dick, now!

This is for you, my sweet Marjorie. Whoa, no! You derisive laughter. I'll never recover from a televised indignity like this! In 1977, one public humiliation can ruin your career! Hey, Leo saved the day! Wow, you really are a monster's best man. Thank you. Leo, I would never disintegrate you. Leo, let me give you a round of applause. Three scary cheers for Leo Carpazzi! Rip Rip Boosley!

Rip Rip Boosley! Well, that's it for episode one of many of Monster Match. See you next week. Until then, remember you can't spell I love without E-V-I-L. Plus an O. Good fright! And clear! You know, there were some hiccups, but in the end,

I think that was a pretty dang good pilot. Agreed. Now Leo, how about you sing the Monster Mash? Come on, Leo! Hey, Peanut, how about you go fuck yourself? Oh, fuck you, you narcissist! I'm not some clown hired for children's parties. I'm a game show star now, a name that people know and respect, like Mark Goodson.

You're a never was! Bobby Boris Pickett had to have back surgery from caring you for a decade. You're a hat carpaccy. Ooh. Get fucked, Peanut. All right, Leo. I don't know if you're familiar with karate.

It's still catching on in this country, but yeah, I've heard of it. Well, I happen to know two different karate moves, and I'm not afraid to use them on you. Hey peanut cool off go pop a lube. I'm out of here sit on it carpazzi. Leo you okay? Yeah I'm fine. Don't listen to him I don't think you're a hack. Thank you dick. You're not even a man you're a gob of spit working for you has been the greatest indignity of my professional life. I loathe you more than the Zodiac Killer who murdered my wife.

If you were a turd, I wouldn't even flush you. I just watch you drown in a pool of piss! Ah, fuck you two. Pack your shit. I pitied you, Dick, so I let you in on the ground floor of this thing. But guess what? I'm remodeling the ground floor and turning it into one of those little lobbies that has nothing in it but the escalator to the second floor.

And you're not allowed on that escalator, or anywhere else above that little lobby on the ground floor. I don't need this show anyway. I'm outta here. Christ what a debacle. You know who's most to blame? The ugliest audience I've ever laid eyes on. I thought the monsters were supposed to be on stage.

Surprised you didn't scare them out of the building, you freak show. Here, you jackals want to hear the Monster Mash? Oh, I'll give you the Monster Mash, the original lyrics. The version sellout Bobby Boris Pickett refused to sing. Hit it, Morris. ["BORIS PICKETT REFUSES TO SING"] to sing hit it Morris I was working in the lab late one night when my eyes beheld an eerie sight for my monster from his slab began to rise and suddenly to my, his trousers dropped right to the floor.

With his bottom bare, he ran to the door. I said, Frankenstein, what's gotten into you? He said, my dick is hard and I need to screw. He did the fuck. He did the monster fuck. The monster fuck. It was a graveyard fuck. He did the fuck.

That monster sucked and fucked. He did the monster fuck. From my laboratory I heard quite the racket. Deep in the castle the vampires jacked it. The zombies all fucked in the graveyard grass. Wolf man wolfed down Frankenstein's ass They did the fuck They did the monster fuck The monster fuck It was a graveyard fuck They did the fuck Those monsters sucked and fucked They did the fuck

They did the monster fuck The beasts all fucked as the orgy spread Bigfoot gave the headless horseman head Swamp thing jerked off in the castle moat While Frankenstein gagged from the jizz in his throat The fucking was wet, there was spooge like mad Igor decided to fuck his own dad The mummy let out a horny moan When Medusa's bare tits turned his dick to stone

They did the fuck They did the monster fuck The monster fuck It was a graveyard fuck They did the fuck Those monsters sucked and they fucked They did the fuck They did the monster fuck

And Frankenstein's bride was horny as hell The hunchback went bareback and rang her bell. She got titty fucked by a giant spider. Jizz made the streaks in her hair much whiter. She fucked every monster come one come all. Her three holes were filled like a bowling ball. And while skeletons boned his undead bride, Frankenstein just jacked off and cried. Now you should fuck.

It's now the monster fuck. The monster fuck. And it's a graveyard fuck. The monster fuck. Those monsters suck and fuck. Now you should fuck. Now you can monster fuck. Fuck.

Go monster fuck yourselves you pieces of shit! Fuck you! Leo Carpazzi's Monster Match 77 was produced and edited by Brett Morris. Story by Ryan Perez and Nick Weiger. Theme song by Brett Morris with Scott Passarella and Dana Wickens. Featuring Caroline Anderson, Matt Apodaca, Heather Ann Campbell, Sean Distin, Alana Johnston, Mike Mitchell, Jordan Morris, Griffin Newman, Ryan Perez, Tony Charlene Ramos, and me, Nick Weiger. Happy paywalleen!