Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Crumpet Rat (Ione Skye, Alex Fernie, Rekha Shankar)

Episode Date: March 3, 2025

This week, actor Ione Skye joins Scott to discuss her new memoir, "Say Everything," growing up with a famous father, almost hooking up with Keanu Reeves, and being cast in "Say Anything." Then anti-aging pioneer Travis Skin talks about avoiding water, and Doctor Scrumptious describes the world of competitive eating.  Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Redo-Bang-Bang, comedy bang, bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, surprise. Red sky at night, Sailor's delight. Red sky at morning, I think that goat kicked you in the face and your eyes full of of Blood Sailor. Welcome to comedy, bang, bang. All right, thank you to Colfax McLeverneck for that catchphrase submission. Catchphrase superstar Colfax McLeverneck.

It's a little difficult to say. I think I am going to pass on that one, but thank you so much, Colfax. Wonderful to see you still submitting catchphrases this many years into the show. And wonderful that you're all listening this many years into the show, even if this is your first show,

or maybe it's your last show, show. I wouldn't blame you. My name is Scott Ackerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang, and we have a wonderful show. Today, coming up, we have an anti-aging pioneer. This is exciting. I mean, aging, we all want to know how to stop it. We all want to know, like, can we freeze exactly where we are or even go backwards a little bit, you know what I mean? But we're going to be talking to that person a little later. We also have a competitive eater, which is great for a podcast. I think the sounds of eating will be very wonderful

for about half of the audience to hear. But before we get to them, let's get to our guest of honor. She is joining the exclusive one-timers club, which is so exclusive. Who is in the one-timers club? We have, of course, Donald Glover, childish Gambino. We have Ben Stiller.

We have... Who else is? in the one-timers club. Those are the only two I can think of. I heard Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd is in the one-timers' club. That's right. This is an exclusive club. It's fantastic to have you in it. She is an actor who you would know from such wonderful films as The Razors Edge. Say anything. The Razors Edge with, who is that? Bill Murray. Bill Murray, yes. Oh, no, where is it? Riverset. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember he did that? serious. Yeah, like the same year as Ghostbusters. Yeah, but I liked it. I was in there. I didn't see it.

I remember him standing on like a flat boat. A razor's edge. Yeah, he was, yeah, he was good at being. Was that the most of the film, him standing on this boat? I think so.

River's Edge, of course, is what I'm talking about. It's very confusing because River is your old friend and he was, but he wasn't in it. No. It was Crispin's Edge. It should have been called Crispin's Edge. He was very edgy in it.

He was edgy and if he wore that sideways mullet. Yeah. It kept falling off and it was good. She now, though, is an author? I am. An author, her book, say any, or sorry, say everything. I'm getting all the titles wrong today. I've made it confusing just so I would mess up myself.

What if you called it state everything? Okay. Then it's like so far away from say anything that people wouldn't confuse it. Exactly. Aver anything. lot of statements. But this comes out this week. It is a memoir, which is exciting. Please welcome for the first time. Ione Sky. Hello. Hello. So wonderful to have you on the show. Thank you. Are you, uh, you, you say you've heard Paul Rudd, so you've heard an episode of this before? I have. I've heard probably seven or eight. Seven or eight. Okay, but you are a freedom listener, perhaps? Oh, major. Would you call yourself? Oh, yeah. I like the name that everyone calls themselves. when they're a freedom listener. Oh my God.

Wait, what is it? Isn't it something bad or something? I mean, they decided to be called that. Right. So I just, that didn't penetrate my brain because I was too vain to call myself that. But yeah, I'm a, I'm well in that group.

Well, it's wonderful to have you on the show. Thank you. I, of course, a big fan of yours. Love the films, even though I can't remember what they're called. And this new book, I've read it, if you can believe that. I read a whole book. Thank you. That's amazing. Well, even my dyslexic friends that I gave, they said they haven't read a book in like five years, but they couldn't put it down. So that's my pitch.

Because they couldn't figure out how to read it probably. What do I do with this thing? Do I put it down? Or keep trying? I don't know. But it's wonderful. It's a memoir about your, would you say it covers mainly your early life? Yeah, and then the end gets just rushed, rushed in there so people that know I'm okay. When is your current husband coming into this? Exactly. 20 pages before the end. Just, you know, but if you want to know, I make it and I'm a great, better than ever, just go.

In fact, I gave it to Crispin at one point, and he said, I had to read the end first just to make sure. Because I'll read memoirs and stop if I know that it's like a bad ending. Oh, really? I don't want to hear the years they're taking pills in a bed. And I'm like, Marlena Dietrich, I want you to be happy at the way end. Right. But this is a happy ending. This one has a happy ending, although we're not at the ending yet.

That's true. Unless you die in the middle of this podcast. I might. Okay. And that would be a very happy ending, I think, to be on this show. Yeah, actually. You know. So it covers your early life as well as, I mean, it covers a fair bit of your life even before you start acting. Yeah, yeah.

I had no idea that you had a famous father. Right. I had no idea, but your father is. Donovan, the mellow yellow, Sunshine Superman, hurdy-gurdy man. Yeah, he wrote a lot about men doing like, oh wow, Superman, you love the son. I used to sing Sunshine Superman when Batman Superman came out. I would go, Batman Superman fucking around. Yeah. And it was in my head constantly. I love those. I love those scenes. He also has a bizarre song, Atlantis, but it's in Goodfellas, but it's this amazing just voiceover he does about Atlanta. He loves Atlantis. Where is it in Good. I don't remember them going to Atlantis in Goodfellas. I know. It's just a sound child. I did leave for about five minutes to go to the bathroom.

Did they swim down to the bottom of the ocean? Yes, they did with my dad. Is that a surprise to you when you are watching a movie like Goodfellas, which, uh, and does no one tip you off? to suddenly you hear your estranged fathers. I love, like, the only time we've worked together is, I think we're both in Zodiac, because I'm in Zodiac and his song is, so I felt very excited about that. Oh, yes.

Because it's like we sort of work together. Zodiac, of course, Paula F. Tompkins' comfort watch. Oh, it is. Oh, the mood of that, I get it. I get it. It's very cozy. There's something about that. You know it's about a serial killer.

Yeah. You never see anyone, spoiler, I guess you never see anyone actually get killed in it, right? Yeah, I don't think so. It's just all about trying to find a guy and people are wearing sweaters. Yeah, exactly. The whole sweater and the mood and the look is good. So you have this famous father, but you don't know him. Know him, no. You don't even meet him for years and years. Like 17 years. I really don't know him like they split up when my mom was pregnant with me.

So when I met him, I was like, oh, I'm touching my father for the. But then a few years ago, I was like it's kind of like what it must be like if you're adopted or something. a little bit. I was sort of like that, oh, I'm meeting my biologic, although I knew, you know, of him so much. Yeah. I mean, you, it's, I think people who are adopted don't necessarily see news of their father in Rolling Stone. Listen to the records all the time. Yeah. Yeah. But, but it's, yeah, it's fairly, it feels like it's fairly traumatizing for you because it seems like a lot of what happens in the book afterwards is maybe a result of that. It's called storytelling. No. I think so.

I mean, that was sort of coming together like, ooh, I'm chasing love a lot in my book and acceptance. And this must be about my dad. So it might be. I'm not 100% but it's a great storytelling. No. I mean, I'm sure it has something to do with that. I don't know if that's the whole reason I was chasing tail so aggressively.

Well, speaking of chasing tail, it's a very sexy book. Yeah. You describe a lot of. I wrote it to turn people on. A lot of sexual encounters with many celebrities. Yeah. I shared a few with Madonna. Yes.

You shared a few exes with Madonna. Exactly. Not shared a few sexual encounters. No, no. I never did. But there was that. It details a lot of, like, you dating when you're first starting out doing movies like the River's Edge.

you almost took up with Keanu at one point. And then you have these long romances with these rock stars like Anthony Kedis. You get married to Ad Rock from the Beastie Boys. All sorts of just like a lot of stuff going on in this. A lot of musicians. And I'm now with the musician. Yes, Ben Lee. And you even like almost.

took up with Robert Downey Jr. Oh yeah, that was an insane. I mean, I was friends with him for a long time, not anymore, because, you know, he's maybe a shut-in billionaire that I can't even. Who knows where he... But back in the day, but that was my looking for like a husband again, like thinking I was ready for a husband again, but it was so funny I visited him in jail. And that was just like really funny to me.

Because he was so hysterical, the way he was living. and they're like gluten-free diet and his whole thing to get him through times like pretending he's at shutters doing these meditations like at shutters. You would say that he and his cellmate would meditate every morning and imagine they were shutters on the beach. The shellmate would be like, where are we now?

And he's like shutters. But I love how boogie it is. Yes. In Santa Monica. A lot of people, if you don't know what shutters on the beach is, it's a hotel that features shutters on the windows. Yeah, I don't know. It's like a very, it's sort of a bougie year it was.

Like, it's just funny that you, that's where you would imagine. But it must have been better than being, imagining you're in jail. Was that the one time you've ever been to jail? Yes. I think. Yeah, yeah, that was. Yeah. And, I mean, the book details you growing up sort of a Hollywood kid,

where people like Robert Downey Jr., you know, because he's like in less than zero and he's, you know. I think through all through my brother, my older brother. Your older brother was like a model and an actor, or is a model in an actor. Yeah, and he just, like, he was so outgoing and he just, like, found every scene, every, you know. And you keep having, like, friends through him. Yeah, really. He, you know, like the Zappas suddenly are your friends for years because. Yes, through my brother.

And then he dated like Susanna Hoffs or, and even when we're young, someone who is in double trouble. Remember one of the twins, Gene, it's actually, who's that comedian, from, anyway. That was, that was exciting when we were little, because they were on a sitcom. Anyway. But yeah, he always was just finding people. Even that one day he brought River Phoenix over because they were filming like a TV movie on our street.

Right. And he brings River Phoenix over. And we weren't like faint. Yeah. You know, we were just living. Neither of you. You were just kind of like, had you even started acting at that point? No, no.

My brother was just started trying. He got himself an agent. He did it all on his own, but he brought him in. just to like, hey, someone's working on our street. Anyway, he was like that. And you sort of fall backwards into acting a little bit. Like, you get this opportunity to audition for the River's Edge. And you hadn't really thought about acting at that point?

No, I was very, I was creative, but extremely shy. And I wasn't like a theater kid. I was just like drawing. And I loved, like, musicals and stuff, like, whatever, singing in the rain or West Side Story. I was always like doing him in my living room, but never. I was too scared to like, but I forced myself to do that one audition because I don't know. I guess I sense like I need, I don't know, I guess I just wanted to get out of high school.

Right. And which you do. You get emancipated. Yeah. At one, you, you kind of like fall backwards into say anything in a way because Moon says to you like, oh, hey, Cameron Crowe is looking for the person to be in this movie. And I think you're right for it. So come meet him at my house. Yes.

Yes. I mean, yeah. And that's all the day. Like he met you and then did you have to audition? Oh, yeah. I had to majorly audition. But it was fun because it was Jim Brooks's bungalow on like 20th century Fox. I'm like a huge.

I love old Hollywood. I love. And at the time. Was the Homer Simpson statue there yet? Gosh. I wonder. 80, what? It was 86.

Like, no. It wouldn't have been. Although it would have been weird if it had been. I know. Before the Simpsons was ever on the air, they're like, well, I don't know. There's a statue of this guy that we think is going to be important. Yeah, like the mashed potato thing in 2001.

Close encounters, probably. Close encounters, like just someone thought of it and built it. Yeah. Yeah, no, but that was thrilling for me. As much as I was afraid to audition, I was so gagging for any. I love all the business stuff. Yeah. It was exciting.

And so there's a lot of that in the book of just you kind of interacting with famous people. and I'm trying to hype up your book here. You know what I mean? Like I'm trying to like yeah, yeah, yeah, the emotional aspect of this. But like, you know, there's a lot of like cameos, star cameos in this. You know what I mean? Kiyato comes in and he gets into the shower at one point. Yeah, yeah.

Right. Very sexy book. Did you get to record the audiobook? I did. I did it. I'm living in Sydney. I did it in Sydney. And I loved it.

I loved doing it more than I thought I would. And how do you, how do you do a, when like, because there are a lot of star cameos in this, and there's a lot of dialogue from these. Do you impersonate the person or? Yeah, I tried. I've tried. So my favorite was doing my dad who has a really funny, hippie, weird, like, riddley.

But the ones that I got nervous about were like doing Adam, Ad Rock. Because back then, everyone was like, you know, talking and, you know, lingo and like, you know, like dope and whatever. and I was so afraid to get it wrong, and I bet you it's terrible. That part might be terrible. Can I hear a little bit of your Adam? Orbitz? Oh, snap. You know, all you got to do is here's your way and you start with drop.

Exactly. Yeah, so I think that part's going to be very cringy. Let me hear your Keanu. Oh, yeah. So, oh, sorry. Oh, like, oh, what I? Here's a towel. Wait, does he offer you a towel at one point?

I know I'm aggressively. Thankfully, he didn't let me go all the way because I'm trying my hardest and he's being a real gentleman, which. Did you have to clear a lot of the stories with the people involved? Yeah, the legal stuff is interesting. And it's different in England and Australia. It's different because you can say anything you want. Say everything you want about public people, if it's already in the O. open and people know. But in England, it's different. Like, it's, and you can't. It's easier to sue people

there. I think so. And you can't hear, say stuff about people who aren't famous. They can cut, like, so you, you had to rename your old high school boyfriend. My first husband, I mean, husband, oh, for it and say, my mother's first husband, I had to change his name. Right. But the famous people, because he'll come after us and kill us. Like, did you send it to Keanu Reeves and go, like, is this cool. I didn't send it because I was scared of his powerful publicist coming in and saying, you have to change it and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. I think if you send it to anyone, you're going to get notes. Yeah. I would just not send it to anyone. I didn't. I only sent it to, like, a couple friends and I kept my mom really close because I wanted her to love it and

be, feel a part of it. Now, my theory is you talk so much about hooking up with various men and women throughout kind of your history. Yeah. And going into some detail with it. My theory is then at the end of the book, Ben comes in, your husband, and you have to talk about how good he is at sex in order to like, I know. Like it was a deal that you made with him. I know.

Okay. If I can talk about all these people, then I get to say you're good at sex. Exactly. I know. I did hear a friend wrote a memoir about somebody famous and he was like, as long as you say, I have a really big, because he did have a big, big penis. And she was like, do you want me to say? Yeah, I can.

Well, it's, it was about Ben Mendelsohn. Ben Mendelsohn. So he, and he's named in the book, but he was like, good, you say. Good, good. Just mention that I have a big deal. And she's like, I will, and it's true. But, yeah, with Ben, it's funny, though. Like, I had such a history, and he's, like, younger than me, my husband now.

And he probably always will be. He will, I think so. And so he came in. And, you know, it's good. Sometimes I feel guilty. Like, I feel like he should have had more. He had a little bit of touring years where he was a little bit. I'm sure he was fine.

But, you know. He's a rock star as well. Yeah. I don't want him to feel competitive. He'll have his own book. There are other books by other people that I'm sure you've been in. Scar tissue. Scar tissue, yeah, like most notably, which is Anthony Kedis's book.

Yeah. And I don't think Flee's book. I don't think it's a book. The only two people I talked to was Flea and Tom Sharpling about making, for some reason, getting a little advice or something. I don't know. It just sort of happened. And I can't remember what they told me to do. Well, I think Flea said right every day or something. Okay.

I think Flea said play bass every day, which didn't really apply to this. Well, it's a fantastic book and a lot of really interesting stuff. and, you know, very kind of sad in parts and happy in others. Okay. Yeah. And, I mean, you must be excited. It comes out this week. Yeah, people are really loving it. It's coming out finally. I love it. I love it. I'm so happy. Are you going to write another book about either the rest of your life or just suddenly you get into, like, hard-boiled crime noir or something? I don't have, no, I can't even imagine.

You're a writer now. I know, I know, I know. The pressure to write the second one. But yeah, I can, I'll write all about, I don't know, all about this podcast. Yeah, that would be great. Yes. Oh, shit.

My lawyers are going to sue. That's true. Okay. It's very exciting to have a book out. Are you going to be out there on, when does the New York Times bestseller list come out, Thursday or Friday or something? Yeah, if everyone buys a book right now, I will be on that list. Buy it now.

There are so many memoirs like, Annette McCurties and stuff. Yeah. I just like stick around forever. You just have to say you're really happy that your mom died because that's so. Your mom's still alive. No, yes. She is.

She's, but, you know, but yeah, it's, it's, it's really good. I'm excited.

It came out really well. Fantastic. So you're on the page. You're on the screen. Mm-hmm. Both big and small. And phones. I would imagine there,

there's like pictures of you on people's phones. I'm sure Ben has a picture of you on his phone probably. Yeah. That's exciting. I know. It is exciting. I know. Yeah, it is exciting. What about those people that watch porn on and public on their phones? Yeah, what about them? I don't like that. On the train? What is that? On the tree, really? Or something. Like, I've seen that now. Like, people will just, like, publicly, it's the new form of flashing. With headphones on? Sometimes not. My friend just said, don't go on the subway in New York because the last time someone's just watching pornography on their phone. I mean, it's their data.

Yeah. Yeah, no, there's nothing. You could always look over their shoulder. And enjoy it with them. Yeah, you suddenly don't have to pay for this porn. Yeah. But your book, while very sexy, I wouldn't say it's pornographic. No, no.

Pornography, of course, defined as I know it when I see it, and I see it all the time. But say everything is out in stores now, pick it up. It's hardback, right? Oh, I love those hard backs to books. Yeah. And it's good looking to put out. out. It has a nice, nice coffee. What's the cover? Because I haven't seen the,

oh, you sent me the cover, but I only clicked on the actual book. Yeah, it's like me at 15 looking like two, you know, like you're a little worried for this character, like is she getting into too much or, but oh wow, she's so ethereal and interesting and, you know.

Are you on the back cover too? Like a picture of you now? Yeah. I think I, yeah, I think it's on the back cover. Yes, on the back cover. inside. Yes, the back. Wonderful. Yeah. Two pictures of Iione on the front, on the back.

Personally, that's all I need. Thank you. But then there's a whole book inside. I have brains there too. Say Everything is out. Now, we're going to take a break. Can you stick around and talk to our other guests? We have an anti-aging pioneer.

We also have a competitive eater. This is a big, big show. This is perfect for me. Yeah. The one-timers club. Enjoy it while you're here. Thank you. Because then what's next?

The two-timers club? That sounds like. bad. Yeah, it's terrible. Uh, the one-timers club, Ione Sky, say everything. We're going to be right back. We'll have more Ione. More comedy bang-bang-bang. We'll be right back after this. Comedy Bang-bang. We are back. Ione Sky is here. Uh, say everything is the book. Um, approximately 300 pages on this. I believe so. Yeah. You ever think like, what if I just wrote another 100? I did, I wrote probably another 400. Another 400.

But it didn't, yeah. Didn't make the cut. No, on the cutting floor. What's in that 400? So much about my mom, because the notes were like more Enid. My mom's name, Enid. Yeah, and a lot of, just a lot of different stories that were really good. You got notes saying more Enid and then you wrote it and then they cut it out.

It's true. I know. What a waste of time. I know. It's true. This is a thing. People giving notes don't know anything, do they? I know.

It's like, ugh. But yeah, it's about approximately 300. I really am, I'm sort of weirdly rule-oriented when they told me this is a good length. This is the good length. 300 is what they wanted to be? I don't know if it's exactly 300. It's like 299. Let me look at it.

Yeah, whatever the good length is. Oh, I'm so curious. Whatever the good length is. That's why I like when a woman says that. Whatever the good length is, I'm fine with whatever you got. We need to get to our next guest. he's an anti-aging pioneer. This is exciting because I think we both live in Hollywood.

You grew up here. Yeah. And youth is at a premium in this town. So true. And we're going to talk to him about it. Please welcome Travis Skin. Hello, Scott. Hello, Ioney.

Hi. Nice to be here. Thank you for having me. Yes. You're joining the one-timers club as well. That's right. This is the first of, I'm sure, many. Perhaps.

I would love that. I honestly, it's so hard to get guests on this show. I would love it if you would come back. Yeah. I would be happy to. I'm very thrilled to be here and to just be talking about my work and my experience. Yeah. What is your work?

Because obviously you're an anti-aging pioneer. What does one do to become a pioneer in this field? That's a good question. Well, my goal- Thank you so much. You're on track to be back another time at least. I did know, Sa-Oenna, you never said that's a good question. And Scott needs the positive reinforcement.

Ione, here's an opportunity to say it now. Listen, I'm thrilled to be doing this with you. Like, really. But what about the questions? The questions were very, very, very good. Okay, perfect. Good. That'll make the rest of this easier for all of us.

It's so wonderful to have you, Travis Skin. Are you a doctor or are you? No. No, I'm not. I made my money in the tech industry. Oh, doing what? In 1996, I bought the domain name horse.com, and then I sold it for 300. $180 million in 2001.

Horse.com? Horse.com. I don't think I've been over to horse.com recently. Have you, I own? I haven't. No, now it's mainly a Malaysian gambling and pornography site. So maybe on the train people are watching horse.com. Oh, that's great.

I mean, do you get a piece anytime anyone logs on to horse.com? I get a little bit every time someone logs into gamble or watch pornography and masturbate. Yeah. Okay, great. Which is great. And that comes right back into my pockets and I can put it towards my project of never dying. I don't want to ever die and I'm not going to.

Oh, okay. I mean, it's possible. Probably. You think it's probable. I know it's probable. Because I sometimes wonder if I'm ever going to die because I'm the person I'm seeing the world through. It's my POV. Yeah.

And if I'm gone, then does the world even exist? So I think I might just never die. Oh, yes. Scott, when you die, the world will continue and move on like nothing changed. But I don't want that to ever happen to me. You understand? So I've got a team of doctors and they're working with me to prevent aging, to stop me right where I am. is it 47 years old?

You're 47 currently, or you've been 47 for a few years? Well, I'll tell you this. I'm 47 by, I guess, calendars, if you trust them. But my doctor said that I have the mitochondria of a 46-year-old, and that's just going to keep going. I'm just going to keep going to go down or is it going to stay at 46? I think it's going to go down and hopefully not too far because we don't know what happens if you get into negative age. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it would be weird to be a teenager first and then to be a baby, but then negative age.

Yeah, what happens? Yeah, right. I would love to be a baby again. That sounds ideal. But I don't think that's, you know, I, well, what? What is it about being a baby that you want to do again? Oh, you can shit wherever you want. You don't really have responsibilities.

You're smooth. A lot of good things. I mean, you can shit wherever you want right now. People frown on it. Sure. So you want to do it without people frowning. I don't like the judgment, Scott. Okay.

So what are the techniques that you're using in order to, and are these techniques that Iione and I can do? Absolutely. It's not that hard. If you think about it, one of the things I've kind of discovered is that if you avoid all moisture. If you avoid all water, you'll stop aging because water causes rot, right? If you put something in water for a long time,

it breaks apart, it rots things out in the wilderness. So I just cut out. I guess like, yeah, if you have a leaky faucet or leaky pipes in your house, your rust, and then your mold, your floors, suddenly warp. You all get it. This is great. You all get, that's exactly what happens. Our bodies are just like pipes. They're just pipes. I wasn't buying this drink

four glasses of water a day thing. Like, what is that? No, that's bullshit that the government wants you to believe to just sell more water out of the pipes. The government sells water, you think? Who'd you pay? I guess stores, but I don't know who they pay to get it. Well, about then you were in bathroom, your shower.

You pay stores for that water? Yeah, that's a good point. Jennifer Aniston with her Evian, I pay her. Well, yeah, she's part of the problem because she's, in a lot of ways, she's my biggest enemy because she's constantly pushing the Evian on everybody. I'm saying, like, no, cut it out. You can just, you know, do you remember the Gatorade packets that was like the powder that you would put in?

Oh, sure. They still make those. You can just, you know. That'll hydrate you just by, or you don't want to be. You just want the sustenance. Yeah, the hardest part of this is I love the taste of Gatorade. And so when I cut out all liquids, I was like, how am I going to get that taste of Gatorade? And they stopped making the gum.

So then I just put the past. That was the hardest part for you. It's the hardest part. It's the only hard part. The rest of it's been great. You grew up with a love of Gatorade. Love of Gatorade. Love of the powder.

Just love of the aesthetic of it. What about when, like, the Eagles won the Super Bowl recently? And they dumped the Gatorade on the coach. How do you feel about that? Well, he's dead, man. As far as I'm going to say, he's dead and rotting in the course. ground right now. I don't know why he'd let them do that. If someone did that to me, I would shoot them before they did it. You sound judgmental for someone who doesn't. Oh, I would never judge.

I don't believe in judgment. I would never judge. I'm just saying that as an objective fact, that man will die. Yeah. So, uh... And that's good. And that's good. You, you like the fact that other people die? If that's what they want. I assume if you touch water, that's what you want. And I want people to be happy. So you think going to the beach, swimming pools. Mm-hmm. You can go to the beach just have to stay, you know, like the Santa Monica Beach is so big. Like, you just stay right by the PCH. What about when you're like, you say to your partner, you're like, I don't want to get in the water today, but you roll your pants legs up a little bit,

but then the tide comes in and actually like a little too far to hit your toes? Yeah, I would never do that. I would absolutely never do that. And I mean, I don't have time. That seems to happen every time you go to the beach. Me personally? Or anyone. Are you watching me?

I know. I want to make that very clear. I'm not watching you. I live a private life. Okay. All right. Travis. Travis.

I'm not watching you. I don't have drones. following you? I didn't bring up drones. You brought up drones. I don't have a team of private investigators, you know, shadowing you. I'm not bringing this up. I'm not bringing this up. I don't even bring this up. You're bringing this up. The only reason I'm bringing you up is saying I'm not doing it. Well, listen, someday you're going to be dead

and I'm going to be alive and then I'll celebrate. But what if I do exactly what you do? Then we can be together. Okay. You and then we can be together forever. Are you viewing this like you're going to be a clan of immortals who all stick together? Or do... Maybe, yeah, because you have to be on the same minds Because like what my life is is bad, right? Every day I pray for death, but that's the small price to pay to live forever.

You pray for death every day? My body feels bad. I have headaches all that. My skin, if I walk naked, it sounds like corduroy. I am so dry. It's horrible. The Pearl Jam song? Yes.

That would be tough. It is. Your body sound like that. Because at first it's like, great, great jam. But now I'm like, I can't listen to this anymore. So I have to always be wearing clothes. Because your body now suddenly is dried out to be the grooves of essentially what the record was.

Yeah. 33 and a third record. Well, I mean, if it's that bad, because then I get to live forever. I get to live more, right? So, like,

yeah, some people get to, you know, there's that, like, live fast and die young, leave a good looking corpse and all that sort of stuff.

I don't abide by that. I think all corpses are bad looking. I'm just going to go on record, especially after like five days. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, after five days, that's about the point. Yeah. I just watched the, uh, interview with a vampire and there was some corpses in there and living forever in there. So you relate to this a lot.

I do. I do. I know. Called interview with a vampire. Well, you live forever. And. Kristen Dunst, though, she was a vampire in that movie. And yet she was young.

She was young. And now we've seen proof that she wasn't actually a vampire because we've seen her currently. That's right. But Tom Cruise. On the other hand, I mean. He looks good. He looks a... Does he?

He looks good. I don't know. Oh, I will say when I saw Top Gun, Maverick. Yeah. There was a little pre-roll where he came out and thanked everyone for coming to the movie theater. And someone in the theater went, oh, no, he looks old. Oh, no. So, Tom, it comes for us all.

He's too much condensation. That's exactly right. Like, I've talked to him and I've tried to get him to get on board, but he's not interested. He's not into it. That surprises me. Yeah, he wants to be doing stunts and clouds and stuff, and this would cut that down. Oh, because of the most. Because the moisture in the air in the clouds.

Oh, got it. So what, what, why would you want to even live forever if it, it sounds like it's not fun? Hmm. You know, I've never really thought about that. You haven't thought about this? No, I guess at a certain point you get so rich that you need other worlds to conquer. And I thought if I was the oldest, you know, then I'm the best again. Right.

Like, like, if our friend Fred Guinness was to, you know, put you in the Guinness Book of World Records as the oldest human being alive, that's something. that you've done that no one else is that. That's something. And then all the other old people are coming for you and they're going to try to beat you so you have to stay ahead of that. And I just don't want that. You know, you can tell, you know, like this is my life now. It is what it is. Are you at the top of the game in this new venture, this new? I mean, you're only 47, you say? 47. And all my doctors say I'm doing great. And I mean, I pay them millions of dollars a month, so they have no reason to lie to me. They're saying that I'm as healthy as anyone.

So they're happy, so they have no reason to lie. Because they're making enough money where they're like, unhappy people lie. We could do whatever we want now. We're so rich. I can lie to this guy, but what's the point? I'm so rich. Yeah, exactly. You get it.

You absolutely understand. So, you know, that is, I feel encouraged by that. And, you know, I just want to spread this around. Any of you, any of you, any of you. And this is a comedy bang, bang thing. If you stop drinking water, you'll be better. That's your only method is just stop drinking water. Touching or being around or in.

Yeah. And not just water, any liquid, I guess, because all liquids are water. Oh, touching water. I thought I meant touching. Okay, water and nowhere around it. Yeah. Well, touching is troubling, too, because sometimes that becomes a sexual thing and then you start sweating. That's bad.

Those are, there's liquids in most of the things that, you know, we rub together. Yeah, most people, not me anymore. Like, you have dry dick. Oh, yeah, yeah, I've very dry. It's like, I keep talking about the gatorade powder, but like when I ejaculate, it's basically that. It's gatorade powder. It's gatorade powder. What flavor?

I don't know. You'll have to ask some of my friends. But the, uh, some of your friends. Yeah, I'm also polygamous. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's the same doctors. But it's Gatorade tasting maybe flavor.

Yeah, Gatorade and that's kind of the fun of it. Is it going to be orange? Is it going to be cool blue? You don't know. Yeah. Do you have loved ones that, do you have a family, in other words? No, absolutely. One of the things about living forever and this interview for a vampire, I should do a good job of representing this is you can't have loved ones because unless they get on board.

They're not going to be around. You have lizards, dry animals. Yeah, dry animals. Turtles? Yeah, tortoises. Scott, listen to yourself. Turtles? Well, one's on the land.

Yes, the tortoise. Tortoise. Just you sound so stupid. Like, no, it can't be a turtle. I apologize, Travis Skin. I thought that I was asking good questions suddenly. You were before. I veered into.

What made you so angry? Turtles are amphibians. They live in the water. Maybe you miss them. I feel like you miss them. That's why you're getting triggered. Yeah. That's the only difference between a turtle and a tortoise is

lives exclusively on land? Sounds right. You got so upset and you don't even know? I have a headache all the time. Okay, so I'm a little edgy. Maybe you're jealous because tortoises live, they do live forever. They live at least 100 years, don't they? If they don't get run over.

Yeah. Yeah, that's also one of my main concerns. Getting run over? Yeah, no amount of avoiding water is going to avoid me getting run over. And I don't look. Well, that must be part of it, wanting to live forever is, you know, that accidents can happen. to you. You can, you know, be asleep and suddenly carbon monoxide poisons you. That's right. You can get flattened by a piano that one of those comical movers is hoisting up a rope, you know?

Absolutely. And that's why I don't, that's not how I get the pianos in my house, right? I built a ramp. How do you have in your house? Uh, eight. Are they all grands or some baby? No, no, no, no. It's each for a different mood. So, like, I've got some grants and I've got some of just the baby grands. And then I've just got some, like, fun keyboard sort of. like Synthi sort of thing. How many pianos do you have, I would imagine you have a few. I did, but not, not anymore. None in Sydney? No. How many guitars? Oh, four? Only four. I think so. We kept it light when we moved to Sydney. Yeah. We got a pod and we just can't. An iPod? An iPod and four guitars. It's all we needed. It's all you need. It's all you need.

So you got rid of all of your family. I mean, do you still have? Well, they got rid of me as another way to look at it because the way I live now wasn't suiting the way they live because they were a very sort of like effusive huggy like happy positive family. What's the thing? Human beings are made up of what 70 some odd percent of water must be terrible to touch one of them. Oh, it feels you know what if you what if you like hug one and suddenly water comes out like sweat be terrible. And to me now because I haven't been touching people, all humans feel like those like squishy tubes that are filled with water that you squeeze that that kids have, you know, do you know what I'm talking about?

Do you know what I'm talking about? Squitchy tubes that kids have. How can I explain these better? Oh, boy. I think kids never grow out of squishy tubes. Those things I used to make balloons and you blew into that little tube. Not those plastic balloon. Gosh, how would I just, I've never had to describe one of these things.

Wait, a squishy thing. It's like a, so, yeah. It looks like the gas station kind of thing that blows. Kind of, yes. But they're smaller. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. And when you go like this.

It looks like you're like... Can I get a video of you doing that? I have some really trashy and I'm not. Yes, I know what you mean. And they feel, yeah. Yeah, that's what people feel like. Okay. To me.

That's not great. Yeah. This must be a lonely existence, though. I mean, don't you ever long for the companionship of another person? That's what AI is for. Oh, you're an AI guy. Oh, yeah. We'll all be AI guys someday.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm very invested in my friends. Okay. That sounds like in everything's a movie to me. Like in you? No, what was the movie? Her. Her. Her. Yeah. You though is not a bad movie. You is a Netflix series. Yeah, Netflix TV show. Sorry, one of my favorite Canadians.

Who? Never mind. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. So you have a satisfying. Do you have a thing on your eyes that you look at or it's, or you just have a relationship? Do you wear those goo-goo glasses? I wear the Google glasses, and they don't work so good for me because my eyes are so dry. It's hard for me to see.

But, like, you can change these AIP. You can program be wherever you want. So I just get a lot of you would love this gut. You can just have them compliment you all the time. And that's sort of the relationship. And that's fun and that's good. And that's all I need. So what is your day-to-day like?

You have a series of chatbots who are your friends. Yeah. So I awaken my bed. So you have a bed. Beds are okay. Absolutely. Not a water bed. I know where you're going with it.

Okay. It's a regular bed. Okay, but I mean, waterbed, you're not touching the water unless it leaks. I feel like you're not listening to me. I don't want even the chance of rotting from that bursting and getting, I've seen so many comedy movies where that's happened. I don't want it to happen to me. Yeah. All right.

So anyway, I wake up with an excruciating headache. I take some Advil dry. Advil dry. Adville dry. It's a brand they made just for me. And then I break. How do you take it? How do you ingest it?

Nose. Nose. nose, yeah. So you're snorting it. Are you crushing it up into a powder? No, it comes pre-crushed for me. That's so cool. Isn't that so cool?

My doctors are so good and they care about me. They really do care about me. So you wake up in your bed and then you take your Advil dry. Then what happens? It seems like you have then 16 hours to fill. What do you do? Well, no. Again, I do not have energy.

So like my doctors come in. They check all my vitals. They tell me I'm doing good. Are they living with you in the compound or do they have to commute to you? Well, there's a lot of. So I'm in the guest house and then they're in the big house. And then they come out to me, which is. Why are you in the guest house?

There's just a lot of them. I don't want to put them out. You know, they shouldn't have to bunk. Okay. So, but there's a bed in the guest house. Well, it's a pool house. So it's a, yeah, it's a, yeah. It's like a pullout bed.

Yeah, where you sleep is a bed. Sure. Right? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. And you're sleeping on a. It's a towel bed? A towel bed.

bed? Yeah, that's a pretty accurate representation of what is because it's a dog bed with a towel on it. So, yes, it's a bed. Do you own a dog? No. Listen to me, Scott. I know, but why do you own a dog bed? They sweat out of their tongues. Thank you very much.

That's a good point. Anyway, to sleep on is why I own a dog bed. So you go to a pet store and you order a dog bed for you to sleep on a moment. Just go to a bed store and order a real bed. Well, I was concerned there would be a water bed in there. And then if there's like an earthquake or something, it would burst. Okay, this makes it. Okay, I understand that. Yeah. Okay, sorry, I didn't explain that well.

Okay, so your doctors come into your pool house. They check you out. Check all my parts. Make sure I'm doing all good. Tell me I'm doing really good and I'm going to live forever. And then they go off to do whatever they're going to do the rest of the day. And most of the rest of the time, you know, I'm chatting with my AI friends. Maybe I'm catching up on Tooby. And maybe I'm just doing...

Is Tooby one of your AI friends? No. Tube is a great ad-supported streaming service. Oh, yeah. We've got to talk about this. Yeah. This is the topic that I really want to talk about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm down to talk about TV.

Conair is always on. And streaming services are okay, even though they have stream in the title? Well, yeah, I had to be convinced. But yes, eventually I got there. It makes sense to me. Okay, okay, good. So pretty much your entire day, are you lying down on the dog bed? Because I would imagine you don't have the energy to stand up.

Yeah, I'll get up sometimes to, like, do my shuffles, and then I'll lie back down. Your shuffles. Yeah. Yeah. Got to do my shuffles. You shuffle around the pool house for a little bit. Yeah, shuffle around, do two laps, and then I get back in the bed. And if I keep doing this, you have to understand, I will know what the future is.

Isn't that amazing? Because I'll be there. What do you want to see in the future? I mean, like, Avengers Endgame already came out. Yeah, that was a big one for me. That's what I was trying to get to. So now I'm trying to figure out, like, what's next? Avengers Endgame, though, was 2019, right?

So that was six years ago. Yeah, you hope to get to 42. Yeah, I took it's 42. And I did it. I did it. So I think I can do anything. But to answer your question, yeah, you know how like dinosaurs became birds? I want to see if birds become dinosaurs again.

Oh. Loop back around. Loop back around. Yeah, that's my goal. It's beautiful. Thank you very much. Yeah. That would be, I mean, that would be cool if one day you're looking at a bird,

it's flying around, then suddenly it just turns into a pterodactyl. It would be cool. And then the scariest fucking shit you've ever seen in your life. Everything crawling back into the swamp. Yes. Well, not me. Obviously, I wouldn't, I wouldn't follow them. You'd be the king of the land then.

Everything would be in the sea. Ideally, you know, I am a monarchist, and I believe that's where we should go in that direction. You're a monarchist. Absolutely. We have to talk about that. No, absolutely. But I do want to get back to Tubi, but we can talk about the monarchism if you want. Let's talk about the monarchism.

Okay, yeah. You want the United States of America to be a monarchy? Yeah, to be in every country. Well, ideally, ruled under one thing. Ideally, that would be the same to me. One world government. One world government, ruled by a king, chosen by God, and it would be me. And that would be you?

Yes. Okay. And what do you, would you, would you be a benevolent monarch? I would delegate. I don't have interest in the day to day. I just want the title. And in the whole world, there'd be like five monarchs, and you'd all kind of meet once in a while.

We'd chat. You know, it'd be nice. Exchange a few things. Yeah, absolutely. You know, it'd be fun. Does that sound fun? I don't know. I mean, honestly, I don't know that I would enjoy a life where,

I mean, we all want to live longer to see our loved ones and see, you know, what happens to them. But without that and without any, like, TV, like, better call Saul's over. you know Avengers End Game came out I'm trying to think of anything else that like is still up in the air at this point you know I guess severance for some people even though I haven't seen it white lotus yeah white lotus just started white lotus that's keeping me going I do want to see the next mission impossible going back to that's a good point it's the final reckoning

yeah and it's very tense for me because they have to go down to that submarine that we're left off the last time that's a lot it's absolutely a nightmare so that's a horror movie for me what do you do when it rains stay inside what you mean stay inside. I've got a roof. Okay. It's as simple to stay inside. Yeah. Man, you started off so good with the questions. I would think that's the number

one best question. What happens if suddenly there's like a leak in the roof or an earthquake? You didn't even want to go into a bed store because there might be a water bed. My doctors say there can't be a leak in my roof. They checked it out. Your doctors, I mean, they're contractors

as well? I don't know. I gave them each an extra $100,000 to check the roof to make sure that they couldn't be a leased. And they're doctors. They like have like, you must be smart. They have to be smart, right? I mean, like if you, if you can open up a human being and fix all of the, the guts and stuff in there, you must know how to fix a roof. Yeah, absolutely. A roof is just like part of a, it's just like a head. Yeah, it's like a building head. It's like a building head. It's like a building. It's a building. Yeah, I guess it isn't like a head. I guess then like the attic would be the head and the roof would be the helmet. What would be the neck? The ladder up to the attic? Chimdy. Chimney? Chimney? Chimney? Chimney, I think, would be the neck. Okay, and then, of course, the kitchen is the heart of the home. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. But then the arms, I guess, would be, like, hallways.

Or maybe, like, if you have two garages for some reason, that could be the arms. And then, like, the basement's the butt. The butt. The butt. Basements, the butt. What's the penis or the vagina? The bathrooms. Oh, yeah.

Great. Okay. Then the legs are. I guess the legs would be the lawn. The lawn, and then the feet. And then, well, there's no feet. It's a building. I was picturing it.

Okay. I was picturing a ranch house or craftsman. Well, this, I mean, it sounds like a terrible existence, but you're happy? Oh, no. You're not. No, it's very unhappy. But like at this point, like, you know, the way you succeed in tech is you don't believe in sunk cost fallacy. And I don't believe in it. So I'm just going to keep going down this road. And eventually it's got to turn around, right? Like, if I see that bird turn into a pterodactyl, it'll all. Would you be happy then? Would you say like, okay, I can die now happy? Well, no, because I want to know what the pterodactal does next. Probably goes back into a bird in a few million years. Yeah, well, I'm going to, I don't like the probably best. You think it just ping pongs back and forth like that?

Maybe I'm not the scientist. I just started horse.com. I mean, you didn't start it. You just... I started it. You just reserved the domain name. Yeah, reserve the domain name. Did you start an actual website?

Yeah, well, it was just for creative writing I was doing at the time. About what? Horses. Doing what? fucking Scott it's couldn't be clear all right we're we're gonna have to take a break can you stick around Travis skin yeah it looks like it might rain

I'm gonna be here for a while I'm surprised you're even here yeah I know I should have checked the weather before I left all right we're gonna come back we have a competitive eater this is exciting uh do you eat things by the way or yeah I anything that's as sand like as possible okay got yeah we have a competitive eater coming we're gonna be right back we'll have more Travis skin

more Ioney Sky we'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. Comedy bang, bang, bang, we're back. Ione Sky is here. Say Everything is the book. It is out in all fine stores. I guess bookstores. Although there'd be some stores, I would imagine,

they would put it on the counter or something like that, right, that aren't bookstores? Yeah, right. Like a nice jewelry store maybe we would have it out there. When you're checking out and there's cute little things. Yeah, why not? Yeah. I should do a pocket version of it.

That would be so cool that you could keep on. a keychain and just flip through. Yes. Reading about hooking up with Anthony Kitas while you're in line and the grocery. Kid stockings. We also have Travis

Skin here and it has started sprinkling outside. This is very stressful for me. Yeah, I'm so sorry. It's not your fault, I don't think. And the sprinklers are on too. Yeah, that's wasteful. Hey, I think we want you to stay here.

Really? I'm happy to stay here. I want to stay on theme. Okay. When it's sprinkling, I want The sprinklers on. Okay, yeah, yeah. It's an aesthetic. Okay.

We need to get to our next guest. They are a competitive eater. So many questions. What do they eat? How much of it? Please welcome to the show Dr. Scrumptious. Hello. Oh, hello.

Oh, you're from London. I'm not from London, but it sounds as if you are. I'm from London. I got the biggest mouth in London. The biggest mouth at what part of London are you from? I'm from the center. The center. That's a beautiful part.

Thank you. Yeah, Dr. Scrumptious. Yes. So you are an actual doctor. Meanwhile, Travis Skin is not. Well, it's a misnomer. A doctor is a designation in the eating world. When you get good enough, you become doctor.

Oh, okay. So it's a title almost that you can achieve. Yeah, like Captain. Sure. You know, they are general. General. Colonel. Colonel.

Sergeant. Sergeant. Judge. Judge. Judge. Judy. Judy. Dude, he's a title in the States, is it?

I think so. I'm not quite sure. So you have achieved so much in the world of competitive eating that you are a doctor. Yes. And is Scrumptious, your Christian name? Scrumptious is my Christian name. I'm Christian through and through. Yeah, it's my name. And people thought, oh, you're going to go into competitive eating.

I thought, no, that's a stereotype. It's a lot like people who are named Smith, like, oh, you're going to be a blacksmith. Yeah. Is that true in the States? Yeah. Damn. All right. Well, it's true for me too. Number one most popular name in the United States is Smith. Smith? Yeah. And everyone is always like, you're going to be a blacksmith.

Oh, God. I've got to contact these people, except I did fulfill the stereotype as well. What got you into competitive eating? Well, when I was little, first I was always fixing things around the house. I was ever noticing things. Like what? There's a hole in the wall. Mom, I patch it up. That's a, I mean, that's a nightmare for Travis skin. A hole in the wall? A hole in the wall? hole in the wall is how the moisture gets in.

Oh, yeah. No windows in my house. No windows? No. What about the pool house? It's dark. Seems like a pool house would have like French doors that open up out to the pool. Often they do, mine does not.

Do you mean snooker house? Yes. I'm sorry, yes. It's called Snooker house where you're from, yes. When people play snooker in these houses in the, okay. Anyway, yes. So I was always tinkering, trying to fix things. And then I noticed, I noticed a competitive.

eating contests on the telly. And I thought... So wait, I'm sorry. Huh? You were always fixing things. Yes. And then while you were fixing something, you noticed something on TV? Yeah, I had fixed a TV. There was rat eating the

cords and I fixed it by killing the rats. That fixes it? Fixing the problem. If you got rats eating your cords, if you kill the rats, that's a fix. It seems like the cords are still the problem, though. Oh, yeah. The cords are a problem, but you got to make them less tasty for the rats. Oh, I see. So you've got to put stuff that rats don't like on there.

What don't rats like? Because it seems like they like everything. Well, I never seen rats eating a broccoli. Oh yeah, I haven't either. Have you? I've seen pizza rat, but I haven't seen broccoli. Yeah, no. Interesting. Pizza rat, that's American thing.

Yeah, I guess what would we call it in? We had trumpet rat? Is that anything similar? Yeah, crumper rat is very, very, very, yeah. Very similar. Okay. Okay, good. So you'd put broccoli on the wires and then you notice on the television there's a competitive eating contest coming.

up? Coming up. And I go, okay, I stay tuned. This is on the news, I'm assuming. It's on the news. We got a local news, local eating contest. I stay tuned. I watch all the news, the bad stories.

Like, what was going on at the time? Jack the Ripper's identity being debated over and over. That was the bad stuff? That's the bad stuff. Over and over people debating. Who is he? Is it this guy? Yeah, I get sick of it.

They bring a lineup in. They go, is it this guy? Is it this guy? Vote in text. Of current people? Yeah, text a code. I think they're on the wrong track here. Is this a reality show in Britain?

This is Jack the Ripper? Oh, it's just the news. This is a live lineup. Yeah. Of people who are alive currently wondering if it's if they were Jack the Ripper back of the 1800s. If he's Dr. Ripper. So I get through all that. I get through all the local stories.

Oh, this woman saved a cat. Oh, this man saved the dog. The news sounds very boring. I got to say, like if all there is to report is a competitive eating contest coming up in the future, not what happened already. Mm-hmm. And someone's saving a cat and they're still debating Jack the Rippers. That's London. That's London.

This is London local news. London local news. We ain't got, we ain't got ass going on there. You know what I'm saying? It's all the past or the near future. Nothing in the present there. No one living in the present. It's weird to watch a news show that was just reporting on the present.

Like this is happening now. Right now. It's like, go do something about it, mate. If it's happening now, stop talking to me. I guess live, like, car chases are the, equivalent? And I think that's nuts. You make a man standing a tornado or in front of a live car chase. Get him out of there. Yeah. That's unsafe. You're American law. You're crazy. You're trying to kill all your people. I do think so. So you see this on the news. I see it. I say,

whoa, I think there's a more effective way to eat all that food. What way were they eating? They're just putting it in their mouths. Sometimes they're sorry, dunking it in water. Repulsive. So it goes down smoother. I think... I think that's for the buns. That's a hot. I only have you ever watched one of these competitive eating contests like Joey Chestnut, eating the hot dogs?

Hot bagers. They have the methods. They got the methods, but they're all diagnosing the problem wrong. What was your technique? They're trying to make food smoother. I'm trying to make all my organs bigger. Make mouth bigger, stomach bigger. You can fit and fall food in.

Why are we trying to only... We're trying to tackle a problem from one angle. Oh, you're trying to kill the rat. Put the broccoli on the cords, too. Attack it from all angles. So can you put your fist, whole fist in your mouth? I could put as many fists as I want in my mouth. Like, we have probably six fists.

Give a take. Hey, hey, give it a go. It's at London town they say. All right, let me try. Yeah, here we go. I'm not going to do it, obviously. Yeah, there's moisture. Yeah.

Act one. I've got, going to me a two. I have little, okay. I can get three fingers in, now four and now five. Okay. All right. Impressive. Amazing.

You've made your mouth really big. Thank you. You almost swallowed our fist. Oops. I'm not on the clock. Oh, great. Amazing. That's crazy.

How did you make your mouth so big? Well, you could do various techniques, you know, some secrets of the trade. Yeah, that's what you're here for. Give us the secrets. So this is, this, you got, looks like magic, right? You've got to agree not to share the code. Okay. Makes sense.

Do we all promise that we won't share these secrets that we hear? Yeah. Okay. Or any magic trick secrets, you know. You could throw those in as well. Okay. And I'm not supposed to share those. So if I share those, you can't share those.

Okay, yeah, yeah. Okay. So firstly for the mouth, when you're asleep at night, it might not seem intuitive. If you take a bunch of chains with hooks on them. Like Hellraiser style? Yeah, this instantly went Hellraiser too. You put them on the sides of your bed.

They probably go out for me. You put on the sides of your bed. Stretch your mouth out at night, all right? Wow. Because that's eight hours or so that are just lying fallow where you could be stretching your mouth out. 16 for me. I was going to say eight hours if you're not a good worker.

Yeah. If you sleep 20 hours of the day, you could be stretching your mouth out. for a long time. Right. So you, so you, Hellraiser style,

stretch your mouth out during. Well, I like to call it scrumptious style and they, I like to call that film a scrumptious ode or kind of an homage to scrumptious. Wow.

So you call Hellraiser 2 an homage to scrumptious. Does anyone know what you're talking about? Not one person. Not one person. But now you're getting the word out. I'm getting the word out now. If you ever hear an ode to scrumptious.

That's Hellraiser 2. Assume we're talking about Hellraiser 2. Absolutely. Wonderful. Absolutely. Other techniques you can use. If your whole head was a little bit bigger, you don't even need to stretch your mouth out that much. So if you stick little pins in your head. This is Hellraiser again. I'm sorry. Oh, discrumpious. Thank you. I hate when these guys take your stuff and they say, it's my idea. You ever have that happened? Yeah. Someone takes your thing and they go, I came up with it. That happened to you?

Yeah, I think so. You think so? Yes. Yes. Any joke I've said my brother would take it and say it louder, but you guys probably have had this happen to you and you're lives. Not us. That means Scott. Nope. That's awful. We don't do that.

You're the ones who take the joke. 100%. I'll say it louder. That's okay. But I don't think anything else. So I feel for you. Yeah. Are you always going on and on about the fine line between pleasure and pain as well?

Because this is oh, discrumpious stuff. I mean, really? My God. See, I can't make it through the whole movie because it makes me sick. Have you ever met a cenobite? I'm trying to how it's pronounced. I desperately. Senobytes.

I would say xenobite. but one of them has a CD in their head. Well, where do you think they got the word bite from? I don't know. From you? Competitive eating. Wow. Thank you for those sound effects.

That's satisfying. That's muck bang. Now, those are some of the nighttime techniques you can use to stretch your head out, stretch your mouth out. Now, what about the stomach? Huh? I thought you were going to say, what about the daytime techniques? You could be doing daytime techniques. You'll just have to be asleep on the bus and attach a bunch of cords to the bus.

you're sleeping. So some of my techniques, firstly you can go the surgical route. It's not my favorite. Because a lot of people go the opposite way. They try to staple. I know waste of staples. Yeah.

You want to un-staple. Yeah. So you can actually ask them, can I get the reverse? Can you kind of stitch it to the sides of my hips, make it bigger, you know? Have you ever thought about installing like several other stomachs?

Like you're a cow? Oh, I wish I were a cow. I wish I were a cow. I mean, he's direct eye contact with me. I was. I don't know what I did. This guy's a horse.com. He's not cow.

Nothing about cows. If you had cow down com, I'd leap over the table I would. I did get a little bit of a surgery. I was in one surgery I permitted myself. You know, kind of in Hollywood, you go, I'll get a little Botox, but then I'm done. I'm cutting myself off. Sure. You know, I don't want to go crazy and become all plastic or whatever.

Right. Thank you for putting in terms that we can understand. It's Hollywood stars. Yeah. You're all stars here. celebrities you get you get your new noses your new faces and all that new skin yeah all my skin has been replaced really uh-huh i mean everyone's has over the years no that's not what i mean so what i done is um i had a couple my um vertebrae removed and kind of ask you send my stomach

back there seems a waste it's only up in the front part so you took vertebrae out of your back in order to wrap your stomach more fully around yeah so i kind of got it's in the Oh, so it's not a proscenium anymore. Yeah, no, it's not proscenium stage. It's not, but you can't, so the food can kind of go in around. Thank you again for putting into terms that Ionia and I can understand as actors. Yes, yes. Yes, so it's kind of, kind of, it's kind of a circuit, a closed circuit of food that just gets to spin around.

So basically, a lot of people, I don't want to say normal people, but. Oh, okay. But people who have traditional stomachs. Yeah, trad stomachs. Trad stomachs. They swallow food. It goes all the way down, then it just stops right there in the stomach. I mean, eventually it comes out the butthole.

Right. But that's after it's digested. Yours, meanwhile, goes and it just can, it's in a circle a lot like Mission Impossible. Remember Travis Skin that one Mission Impossible scene? Already ahead of you. Yes, absolutely. He's going to get the thing. I hated it.

I hate it. It's stuck in that water spinning around. He's got to hold his breath for like four minutes or something like that. Almost died. but guess what? He made it. And that helped him complete and almost impossible mission. Yep. That's incredible. I love to know the end of those

movies before. No, is he going to die? If he's going to die, I'm not going to watch this. I think Crispin Glover likes to know the end of these movies before he watches them, doesn't he? Exactly. So the food just is in constant motion so it can never settle enough to be digested. This is brilliant.

Yes. And it also takes longer to come out of the end, you know? Like in a toilet. that water is spinning so you get a longer look, you know, it doesn't just go straight down. Is that why toilets do that? Yeah. So that you can look longer? It's just for our enjoyment.

It's for you. You know, you've been looking? Hey, check all this out, all this stuff that just came out of you. You know, before it goes away forever. It's your last chance, mate. Oh, I did. Well, I don't use the water toilets, obviously. Right, right.

But I remember them. And I just didn't. Do you use fire toilets? What do you do? Yeah, fire toilets. I just light a fire in the fireplace. Oh. And then you squat over it?

It's horrible. My life is best. So how often do you go to the bathroom? It seems like you wouldn't have to because your food is not being digested. It's not being digested. It's got a big old stomach. So I go about once a week, you know. Those are good margins for me.

Good margins. If I could only do it once a week. Oh, yeah. All the time I'm saving. You know, I told you I was a wee tinkerer trying to fix efficiencies in my house. Now, that didn't seem to have any sort of anything to do with your story other than you happen to be fixing the television. Remember, I'm fixing stuff. That's my thing.

I'm fixing stuff. I'm fixing competitive eating right now. It's my thing. Meaning you're fixing people's stomachs in order to get better at. Why do you want to help other people do this? It seems like if they do these techniques, then they would unseat you as the winner of the... I assume you win the competitions? Oh, tons.

Loads. Couple. How many... Do you have a nemesis? Yeah. Yeah. It's the Surgeon General. Yum.

Yummy. Surgeon General. Yummy? Yeah. And how many things do you traditionally eat, you know, like what was your last competition? What were you eating? How much of it did you eat? Well, okay, so last competition was in the winter.

So all the food's season or so was soup. How do they judge how much soup you eat? By the pint? The worst food. It's by pints in England. Because a hot dog competitions is like, oh, he ate 80 hot dogs. Yeah. In England, it would be pints.

Here would be pounds. Pounds of soup, yeah. I think, no, in England, it's pounds. here at the dollars. Yeah. Okay, so dollars is soup. So, so it's how expensive. So you must rig the competition by just buying expensive soup.

Lobster bis. Gold bis. Gosh Lago bis. Those are rich soups though. That can come back to bite you, right? But I mean, only one cup of that. I come back to buy it. Okay.

Okay. Stop. So you won the soup eating competition. I won the sheep eating contest. I had about $200 of soup. Of soup. How many cups was that? Maybe.

Oh, cups. Like two cups, maybe. Two to two and a half cups. But meanwhile, everyone else is eating split pee and they have to eat like 40 cups. It's crazy. Yeah. It's crazy that he's smart. Work smarter, not harder.

We had a poor lad eating miso. I want to. What did you say? Miso. No, before that as well. We had a poor lad eating mousseau. I thought you said Paul Ladd was eating miso. Oh, Paul Ladd's not allowed.

Oh, wait. He was a competitive eater. He was trying to be not allowed. Oh, okay. Not allowed. No, no, too controversial. So we had a poor lad eating miso soup. I go, brav, that's basically free with the meal.

Yeah. If you go to a Chinese restaurant. Why are you eating that? Crazy. He lost. And so I bet if you were in like a chip eating contest, the tortilla chips, which are basically free when you go to a Mexican restaurant. She won't know what you mean by chip. She'll think french fries.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, tortilla fries. Crisps, crisps. I almost died. Oh, I don't want that to happen. not for either it won't happen for me so the surgeon general

yummy though he or she is out there and or they okay I see we're progressive in the United States

that's good that's good yeah she hello surgeon generals can be she's how many times does that happen

though literally she's the first literally she's the first she has de-seated. We say unthrowned. I see. Yeah.

Here we don't have a mona. Although we will someday, according to you. Yeah. She's deseted me once. It was during a summer competition, so we had a like a roasted pig, you know, because summer's seasonal.

Like a luau or something? Like a luau. Yeah, if you have to say it in the American terms, a luau, we called a Fox Day Lunch. Fox Day Lunch. Yeah. Okay.

Hunting Day lunch. Is that Guy Fox or is that girl fox? And how many times has it been Girl Fox? Well, it's they Fox, but, uh... Right, okay, got it. But, uh, yeah, she deced me. She ate the most pigs. She made the most pigs for pound for a dollar.

How many was that? She ate about $500. $500 worth a pig. Wow, that's a lot of... That's a lot of pig. Yeah. That's a lot of pig. But she's done a couple of actual more surgeries.

I only stopped with the one. She got her stomach, you know, taped to the sides of her hips and stuff. Sort of like saddlebags? Yeah. Their stomach's on the outside? Exterior stomach. Oh.

Ectotopic. This is the thing. I don't know why competitive eaters don't like cut holes in their in their throats. I think of one reason. Attached tubes to just like some bags and like plastic bags that you go like,

oh no, these are my exterior stomachs. Yeah. Well, there's some people. Okay, so there's a cheater. There was a cheater once. Like on that show? Cheaters? where they would follow couples around with the camera?

It's so crazy because she was both types of cheetah. What? She was both types of cheetah. She was both types of cheating? She cheated in competitive eating? I heard eating ain't cheating. She ate and she ate, okay? Okay, all right.

She cheated by eating somebody out and her husband got piss. And then she cheated in an eating contest. And where she ate? Where she ate. Because she had, she surgically, she had long hair. believe it or not. She had a hole in the back of her neck for all the food to come out.

So people went, my God, 500 pounds, 700 pound, 900 pound. She eaten so much. It's just, $1,000, $2,000, $3,000. Just falling behind her? They look behind her and there's a big pile of food. Big pile of food. Wow.

Big pile of it. It was a fall contest. So is pumpkin pie. That's the one I would want to be in. Yeah. Yeah. I love pumpkin pie. Well, that one was controversial.

She had pumpkin pie falling out of her neck in piles. That's one of the grossest foods I can Imagine falling out of the neck. Well, this is all fascinating stuff. How many competitions have you won? I've won two to three. Those are good numbers. All right, well, we're running out of time.

Unfortunately, we only have time for one final feature on the show, and that happens to be a little something called plugs. Excuse me if I'm a little slow. You're not, though. You're never slow. You talk so fast. I can stay same too. All right. Oh, right. Oh, here we go. That was a system of a plug by Tim Summers. Thanks so much to Tim. If you have a plugs theme, send it over to CBBWorld.com over, sorry, CBBWorld.com slash plugs. And you can upload your songs there and you can be famous for a week. And Tim Summers, you're famous this week and this week only. Your rainy.

of terror ends Sunday night at midnight. What are we plugging here? I only obviously say everything is out in stores this week. Yeah. And I just did, I just played Jack Black's wife in Anaconda with Paul Rudd, your one-time guest and Steve Zane or Zahn. I believe Jack is in the, I think he might be in the two-timers club. Oh, nice. Yeah, I bet. This is comedy bang bang royalty on this film. I know. It's all your peeps in this one movie that I did in the Gold Coast in Australia. Now, my Anaconda don't want none unless you've got Bunzheim. Is that similar to... Yeah, it's like a meta.

It's not director Tom. What was the movie of Nicholas Kidge where he plays himself? So it's that... Oh, the unbearable weight of awesome talent? Yes. So he's that great director. And this is a remake of the J-Lo, speaking of Bonson. Yeah.

Film along with Ice Cube and everyone, do any of them... Can any of them do cameos? Are you allowed to say anything about this film? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like... it's sort of a meta version of their rematchel. Yes, yeah. It's like one of them comedy adventure type films.

Okay, this sounds like. When's it out? It's coming out, I should know. I mean, they're still filming it. And you play? I play Jack Black's wife and we had to kiss, but he cut his beard so I can find his lips. So when he doesn't cut his beard, it's like you're, you end up kissing his ear or something going, I think it's in here somewhere? Oh, no.

And then I have a podcast, weirder. together that I never plug and so I should with my husband. That's right. Weirder together. How long have you been doing it? Maybe four years or something. Four years. So approximately 200 episodes maybe?

Yeah, about that. Wow. Yeah. And what is the, what do you cover on the, on the show? Well, it's sort of morphed into, I was trying to make it like, how long gone or something. How long gone or something? Yes. We're just, it's sort of morphed.

I don't know. It's like, you know, our marriage and we talk about, you know, the top topics. Gossip. If you want to hear about Ione's marriage or gossip regarding your marriage or other people's marriages. Yeah, we just gossip about each other. We don't fight. We just gossip.

Have you ever fought on air? Yeah, a little bit. And I'd like to ask him a musical question because I love the musicians. And I love asking, you know, just like a question of like, you know, what do you think about the fans? Are Led Zeppelin fans like, are Led Zeppelin corny or is it the first? fans are nerds like things like that things like that yeah the hot topics uh about bands that had broken up approximately 50 years topical it's all topical and that's it and my book and that movie

and that those are the i mean this is the year of ione i know i might have podcasts movies a book i know this is incredible yeah did you ever think back when you were going to red out chili peppers and marries dana shows back in 1987 that that you'd never be able to be able to in a movie called Anaconda. No, I never did. But I was, I'm, alphabetically, this has got to be your first film. Am I correct?

Yeah. No, I did one called a knight in the life of Jimmy Reardon. A knight in the life of Jimmy Reardon. Although you possibly could alphabetize that by saying night in the life of Jimmy Reardon, comma, A. That's right. And no, everyone only called it Jimmy Reardon. Yeah. And maybe some.

I've done so many. funny thing like lifetime movies I have no idea a perfect mother that with Tyne Daily that was a lifetime movie in Canada and I'm you know

those ones from the 90s they're there's was time daily your mother in this or was yeah she was like a mobster who had me killed that doesn't sound perfect at all I know I was she the perfect mother

I don't remember I don't know I'll send some emails an imperfect mother maybe that would watch that it would still come before anaconda though alphabetically Well, this is wonderful. Everyone should go out there and buy, say, everything this week.

Let's turn over to Travis Skin. What do you want to plug? Oh, I guess I first I'll just plug. Stop drinking water, everybody, so you can be my subjects in the future. So I thought you maybe wanted friends. You just want subjects. What do you care if your subjects live forever? Well, I just want some.

You know, I want someone to go, like, did you see that pteradactyl turn into a bird? And then I'm not committed. But even if people start drinking water and die, I don't think the whole human race is going to die. water unless there's a huge meteorite that hits us and tidal waves kill us all. You've been listening to a word I'm saying. Okay, I guess not. I'm not a goddamn word, Scott. I apologize.

You're all over the place here. You think I'm a good host? You think I'm a terrible host? Yeah, you taught me a lesson. I thought you were a good host, and then I started listening. All right, all right. Anything else to plug or that? Oh, God.

You know why? If it's not raining, I'm going to go to a comedy show at the Upper Citizen Brigade Theater called Convoy. Oh, yeah. I saw this last month. Yeah, come check that out. every month at UCB. Yeah.

Now, Dr. Scrumptious, what do you want to plug here? Well, I'll love to plug my freaking bot so I don't waste any of this food I'm eating so I can win these contests. So you want to win the contest by plugging up your butthole and it's remained, I would think that you'd want to have all the food out of your body in order to win these contests.

Scott, you're a tinkerer too. That's an efficiency plus one for you. All right. Anything else to plug? Yeah. Other than your bottle. Yeah. There's this comedian name Raker Shanker who's doing a Kickstarter for a feature film that's going to be up and ready for backers. And I think it looks great.

And it's actually about food. My favorite subject. Wow. I know Rika. And she was in the Between Dufern's movie that I did. She's obsessed with movies. What is it with her in movies? Yeah.

That movie? This one? Two. Hey, that's how many contests have won. You said two or three. The third one, they're still in litigation. Okay. Where can people go to this Kickstarter? It's on kickstarter.com.

Search Vidya's guide to the afterlife, or I can literally recite a link right now. What about just Rika? Would that? Honestly, she looked it up. She's the only person named Raker on all of Kickstarter. R-E-K-H-A. There are 650,000. projects on that website and there is only one person named Raker making something on it.

Is that racist of Kickstarter? What do you think? I think so. What do I want to plug? I obviously go over to CBBWorld.com. You have the entire archives of Comedy Bang Bang, every episode we've ever done as well as all of our live episodes. I think we did 43 last year. I am going to be at South by Southwest. Lauren Lappicus and I doing a live comedy bang bang this Saturday, I believe. So if you're at South by Southwest, come out and see us. Also, the action figures that have come out. We have the new Randy and Carissa action figures.

They're on sale now. They are shipping, and they're available for customers worldwide at figurecollections.com with free shipping with the U.S. address or in Europe with cheaper import fees at actionfiguresellor.com. We have the Randy and Carissa as well as Sprague and Big Sioux and tour exclusives of myself and J.W. Stillwater. still out there. And I think that's all I want to plug. So let's close up the old plug bag. Here we go, not bad. All right, that was, it's time to release by Eddie Wolfram. Thanks so much to Eddie Wolfram.

A lot of farting noises in these songs today. But I want to thank my guests. Ioni Sky, so wonderful to have you on the show. Continued success as an author, I would love to see more books coming out of you. Thank you. Maybe not like a detective trying to solve the Jacket the Ripper movies. Oh, that would tie into your interest, Dr. Scrumcius. That would be great.

That's the British local news. You're taking away their beat. Oh, okay. So maybe, yeah, maybe you don't want to do that. I don't know. Maybe I can't. I was born in London. Maybe they'll let me. I don't think so. What about?

A St. John's Wood? Yeah, same. You know it. Oh, same? Right there in the center. The center. Yeah, yeah. The center.

So thank you to you, Dr. Scrumptious. Wonderful to have you here. And then Travis Skin, looks like the rain has gotten heavier since we've started doing the show. Well, I'll just hang out here. You better start complimenting Scott. Yeah. To be honest, you've been kind of an asshole. too.

You might not want you here. Okay, yeah. I like your jacket. That's not a compliment to me. Unless you're complimenting my sense of style. Did you buy that jacket for yourself? Did someone else? I would say it's the best jumper I've ever seen.

All right, you can stay here. You need to get out immediately. I don't want to die. Sorry, I'm, no, I'm sorry. You've got to leave now. Fine. Fine? This is on you, Scott Hockerman.

All right. You're leaving right now? Yeah, I'm leaving right now. I'm going to walk out there into the rain where my body will begin to rot and you'll watch me. And like at the end of last crusade, I'm just going to age rapidly and die.

Like that rapidly you think you'll die? Maybe that's what the doctors say. They say if I stop paying them and I get wet, then that will happen. I kind of want to see this. Do you guys want to see this? Yes. I'm very curious.

Dr. Scrumptious, I only is lovely meeting you. What about me? No. All right, he's making his way over to the door. He's outside. He's turning into a terror duct Oh my God! Wow, it wasn't the birds that were going to turn into taradactals.

It was you. Fuck you, Scott. What? Wow, what an end of the show. All right, we'll see you next week. Thanks. Bye.