Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Crust Is Gutters, Undercarriage Is Grundle (Ben Schwartz, Ryan Gaul, Gil Ozeri)

Episode Date: January 5, 2026

We’re back for 2026, because at Comedy Bang! Bang! — we won’t quit. Comedian Ben Schwartz returns for his annual tradition of being on the first CBB episode of the year. He joins the 40 timer’s club, discusses not receiving Scott’s texts and sings the theme for the 2026 plug bag remixes. Then, first-time guest Chave Portnoy shares his entrepreneurial ideas in a grouchy yet laid back way. And Dr. Sweetchat the Small Talk Robot is back with many new modes! Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Oh my mom and yeah Yeah Yeah Comedy bang bang Bang bang Comedy bang comedy bang comedy bang

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comedy bang comedy Comey bang Comey bang mouth you know you want to everybody wants a listen to Scott everybody wants a Lobster

All right let me do this If you see something suspicious Say something suspicious Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang That's funny who said that That is non slick nick Well done non slick nick Thanks for that catchphrase suburb

By the way we're only taking new Catchphrase submissions these days I was stuck in a rut Only taking ones from January of three years ago For a while I'm now only taking new ones This is a new one This is a newie.

So know that if you did it, resubmit. If you wanted to resubmit early and often and late and often now, if you want to be taken. Ah, bang, bang, bang into your mouth. You know you know that when you hear those dulcet tones, you know who is here. Jamie Fox, baby. Post-stroke Jamie Fox. I've always said you're the post-stroke Jamie Fox of comedy. I'm linking me to your bad words.

Ah, right. Jamie Fox. in your mouth, Ray. Welcome to the show. My name is Scott Ockerman. We have a great show. Coming up a little later, we have an entrepreneur,

and we also have a physician on the show. Are you kidding me? Because I have some doctor questions. Oh, you do? Okay. Is it a lot of medical issues for you? A couple, yeah. I've always said you're the post-stroke.

Jamie Fox of comedy. You have to stop saying post-stroke. I love Jamie Fox. How dare. Welcome to the show. It's 2026. When you hear that voice, you know what is going on.

He traditionally does the first episode of the year with us and he has, this is the 14th year in a row that you have done it. How do you know? Because every year we don't know. I just counted because every year I think of it while we're talking in this year I thought of it before. This is the 14th year in a row and you are entering the exclusive 40 timers club on comedy bang bang today. This is your 40th appearance on comedy bang bang. How many people are there more than 10 people who have done it? Yeah. Oh. Doesn't seem that excuse. More than 20?

Can't be. But I bet there's no one who's exactly 40, like you. Okay, so I'll stop here. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Deal. Ah, living color.

How many Jamie Fox movies? Oh, Baby Driver. Now you do one. Go. Let's see how many we can do. Ah, Kevin Spacey. What? That's a different actor in Baby Driver.

I'm saying Jamie Fox Films. Oh, Jamie Fox Films. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, uh, collateral. Huh? Ali. Oh, yeah, he played the... He's the corner man.

Yeah, yeah, the corner man. Good. Yeah, exactly. I just wasn't sure if you thought. You know his voice. You know him from Parks and Red Ridge. Can I stop you for a second? Yep, because I think I'm going to tell you.

I would love that, actually. I would love to, you know what? I would love to sit here and not talk. Great. Okay, so I'm going to, because for 14 years plus, I'm assuming many times, before we did this, there was probably a few years before that that we started this. Because we were in the radio station when I did my first one. So it's definitely a far long time.

You've done the show 40 times. Is that what you're asking? No, no, no. The year I started is what I really want to know. No, you, the earliest episode that you ever did was, uh, episode number 29. Whoa, that's crazy. What year? Uh, in 09, 29 and 09.

Wow, so 16 years we've been doing this. Uh, yeah. Okay, 17. This is what I'm going to say. Uh, oh, 16 years. Oh, 26. Of course, right. Right.

Right. Of course. Um, so for those 17 years, you've almost always gotten my credits wrong. And I want to stop you before you say it. So this day it's really easy for you. House of Pies. Nope. Okay.

Push through. That mind. I was going to give you a... You know him from House of Pies. No, House of Lies. Literally, I was going to say it so you wouldn't make a mistake. House of Lies. You know him from Bonick the Ledgehog.

Sonic the Hedgehog. You know him from sparks and procreation. Parks and Recreation. And you know him from these really odd commercials that have been on recently where it looks like the entire thing has been redubed later in post. Is that they were reddubbed?

They weren't. The Fireball wants? Yeah. No, they weren't really dumb. That's the live audio? That's the day, baby. I swear to God, they looked entirely, entirely ADR. Five commercials in one day, four commercials in one day. That's an incredible achievement.

Congratulations. I like them. Do you see the Isaac Newton one? I have not. So you know what? Keep my eyes peeled for that. Thank you. I appreciate it.

You know him as the elegant Mr. S. You know him as Benny. You know him as Benny Schwab. Please welcome back to the show for the 40th time, Ben Schwartz. Thank you so much. Can I tell you that I tell you that. I still get Benny Schwa. When I walk around, I still get Benny Schwa.

I love that. Never, it can't stop. Hollywood's good boy, Jack Quaid gets Hollywood's Good Boy a lot. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. Have we been on the same show for me and Hollywood's Good Boy? The two of you should. You have very similar energies.

I want to see who could out good boy. I've often thought that you're both the post-stroke Jamie Fox of comedy. Let that be Jack Quaid's thing. Don't put that on it. Now, already he doesn't want us, as heard on this last Friday's episode of Scott hasn't seen, he doesn't want to be known as Hollywood's other dumb shit. Jack Quaid. Oh, really?

Yeah. Please no one call him that when you see him. Okay, so we just call him Hollywood Good Boy? Hollywood's Good Boy is what he's known as. And he enjoys that. Elegate Mr. S, I get, and Benny Schwa.

I get Benny Schwah. And Benny, uh, which is the sound that the Schwaugh comes from. Of course, exactly. What does the Fox say? Jamie Fox? What does his post stroke? Jamie Fox say? No.

No. Do you know that? Remember that's what does the Fox say? Yeah, do, deep, did, did, did, did, did you have them on the show yet? Who did that song? I knew for a while because... I thought it was Kevin Spacey. I thought it was Kevin Spacey too.

And one of his like... We gotta erase all this. What does Jamie Fox say? Wanda? Ding ding ding ding ding. Oh yes, Wanda. He of course was... He played Wanda.

Yeah. So he wouldn't have said Wanda. Well, maybe if he was talking about himself. Hey, who's looking in the mirror? Who's here? Wanda. You know what I mean? Uh-huh.

Yeah. Hotel Wanda? Is that something? No, that's Don Cheedle. You got to stop. No, I'm just saying that would be a great... A great parody of Hotel. Rwanda.

So you Wanda going to this hotel? You want Wanda from a living color to play the Don Chirool in Hotel Rwanda. No, no, no. I want... Very dramatic. I want Wanda to go to that hotel and Don Cheadle, like, is it the well-working?

What was he the bellman in that? I think he probably ran that. He must have, right? Okay. What? Sure. I don't remember. I saw it a long time ago.

Great movie. Great movie? When I did House of Lies. Yes. Not House of Wanda. House of Lies. With John Cheadle himself. Sorry, I was saying the great character was Cheetos.

You said Wanda, which is also a great character. character. I couldn't watch Holtow Rwanda before we filmed. I'd seen it a while ago and I was like, oh, I want to watch something. He'd on it because he's so good in it that it would make me intimidated to act. To work with him. It's like how I can't watch some of the Bob and David sketches before I come and do comedy bang bang. That's right? Because you was a cop, it's too much. Because I was, yeah, me as the cop. Is that what you said? Yeah, you played a cop, right? I'm sure I did. I had to have, right? Yeah, I think so. That's, I have cop energy. You have good you got that B-D-S. A good cop energy, not bad cop. Big C-C-E. B-C-E? Big C-E.

Big cop energy. BCE, what does that stand for normally? Big cop, black cock enter. Oh, come on. Oh, it is. Verified? The common era. BCE.

Oh, sorry. So what does BBC mean? Oh, I wonder. What is a BBL? BBL is, have you ever tried to put a BBC in a BBL? It's not this kind of show. It's not this kind of show.

Oh, Jamie Fox. In your mouth. Welcome back to the show. I'm so thrilled to be. here. This is the only episode I'm doing. Oh, I only did one episode last year I think? No. Let's take a no. No, we did. Well, I did want to bring this up. Oh, no. So, uh, we got to do a solo Bolo and we, we, I wanted to bring this up. So we, we, we did a solo Bolo ho ho hollo. Last year. In late 24. Oh, so we missed a year. So we, we, well, what we did was, and by the way,

it was eligible for this year's best of voting. We, of course, did the best ofs last week and the week before and we said that if it got number one we'll stop doing it forever we'll stop doing them forever but there's no way i'm here to tell you ben there's no way no i guarantee it there's no nobody would nobody would do a bit that hard to make us stop it did not even reach the best of us did our first episode usually our first episode gets in the top ten our first one did yeah yeah our first one a long time ago when it was fresh and new and now people are just like no i'm not even going to commit to this bit the year the first of the year oh Top 10, make it a reveal, make it a big reveal.

Did our first episode of the year, me, Bobby, and Ryan get to the top 10? It did not even reach the top 60. Oh, my God. I'm slipping. That's okay. Maybe this one will for next year. But that means we have to go back and do another solo bowl. We do.

And also Sonic comes out next year. Next year in 27? Yeah. Oh, really? That long. What's going on with Sonic? What's he up to? Of course, we know about Knuckles and he admits.

adventures. Of course. Yeah, Knuckles, tails. Well, Amy Rose has been introduced for this new movie. I don't know what that is. Amy Rose is a pink hedgehog. She's female. She's an incredible character. Sounds sexy as hell. I wouldn't say sexy as hell. I mean, she's cute, I guess. Describe her. Describe her butt. Just like sexy as hell.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You're trapping me. You're trapping me. You're trapping me. She's like, no nonsense. She's very, like, she has a peeka-peka hammer. Has not been cast yet. She has a peeka-pea. Do I have a shot? Give me your audition. You don't even know what the characters. I'll be Sonic. Amy Rose. All right. Here we go. Amy, what are you doing here?

Hi, there, big boy. What's going on with you? I'm Lisa Rose. Amy Rose. Okay, sure. I'm going to change my name right now. Where are you from, maybe? Amy, where are you from?

I'm from all over the place, directly in this very center of this great country of ours. So, like, you're in the Midwest or where? No, that implies that I am west. I'm in the, I'm directly in the center. What state? What state? East-West. North, south.

All of them. All of them, right in. between. What are your special powers? Oh, well, okay. Like me, I can run really fast. You can run really fast. Tail can fly. Tails can fly. Knuckles has strong strength. I fly really slowly. You don't? Burrow under the ground and I get to the center of the earth.

Like a mole? Like a mole. And then I say hello to Satan who's right there in the center of the earth. So your friends with Satan? I mean, he's an acquaintance, certainly. We have lunch. Okay. So I'll send it to Toby and Jeff. I would love that. I don't know who Toby and Jeff are. I don't want to know. Jeff's the director. No, I do not care. Neil has produced a billion movies.

I hate them. I don't want to know. You're not helping your chance of getting this role. There's got to be other roles. I don't want to know about them. Just send it to whoever. I don't give a shit anymore. Jesus Christ. All right, man. Anyway, Sonic 4 comes out. In 2027? Yeah. What month? Oh, great question. It's already locked. I don't know. We'll find out. It's what's locked about it. You said the one role wasn't cast. The date. The date is locked. shit the data is like. Oh, I found out why this is screwy.

Okay, could you fix it? We're talking about the microphone right now. Ben has been fiddling with the microphone. Well, it's just, look, it's just, come on, man. I know, I know. I don't have the, I don't have the right tools for this. It's a screwdriver, my man. I know, but how do you take all that apart?

It's just too much. Too much work. It's already too much work. Too much work. Ben Schwartz is here, and he's getting too much work. He's in five commercials in one day. All right, take down notch. What we are very excited about is one notch.

The, I may be on Broadway when this comes out, doing all out, Simon Rich's play. Oh, that's right. There's some great people doing that. It's a rotating cast, right? Who are you doing it with? I'm doing it with, come on, Ben, you got this. Abby Jacobson, Jim Gaffigan, Eric Andre. And then I'm doing it with Wayne Brady, Jim Gaffigan, and Cecily Strong. Amazing cast. I believe about, two weeks of beautiful shows. I'll be going out there on a different week to see a different person. Oh, you're not going to see me? Well, I'm not going to make two trips. I'm there from December. 22nd to January 4th. You think you're going to be there for that? I will not.

By the way, January 4th was yesterday. Yesterday. You have already... You're plugging something that you've already done. Hey, I just want to say, I had a great time on this thing. It's really, really fun.

Those cast, those two casts were amazing. Life was such a silly game to play. You said silver game to play. Oh, silver would be good, though. What I want to say... Life would be good if it was silver. Do you agree? Oh, you just did the Trump fingers. Do you agree?

I do. I do agree. Life. We love life, don't we folks? To life, to life. Lechayem.

Here we go. La Chayam, Lechayam, Dehyeh. But you gotta come on, Scott hasn't seen do Fiddler on the roof. I haven't seen that movie.

You fucking anti-Semite. Why do you think that I know everything about Fiddlero. You just start singing it. You just start singing. La Chaham do life. At ten I started Hebrew school. At 12,

I learned a trade. Tradition. Tradition. Tradition. Pee lily did lily did lily did it. Tud did it. Sunrise sunset. Sunrise sunset.

I'm wasting all my days watching this fucking thing. Hey, come on, man. Save it for the day. That's right. We got to do this. We got to do what? Scott hasn't seen it. I'm not wasting my Scott hasn't seen on Fiddler.

At one point, you said you wanted to do, wipe you can't jump. Someone else said it. No, no one's done it. I've been saving it for you. What's another Fiddler song? There's got to be one more. What if it was only those?

We did tradition. Dancing around If I were a rich man Yeah da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dam All day long, I'd be-de-bidi-bom Do you think he ever became rich? If I were a wealthy... What?

Do you think he ever got there? You think he ever, like, made a million? Two million. What we learn is that being rich in family And being rich in love is probably, sorry. I wouldn't have to work hard. If you could have both? Huh.

Wouldn't that be great? Do you think you're rich in either? In honor? In either? In honor? Do you think you're rich, Your Honor? You are under oath, by the way. By the way, every comedy,

bang, bang, guest is under oath. That's why people get upset sometimes. That's why people reveal the things they reveal on this show sometimes. You have to. You have to. Have you ever been to court? Yes. When I was, I was pilt as a, I was picked as a jury member when I was very young.

How young were you? Like three? Three years old. Wow. And then I was this like another three? year old was on trial and that's why a jury of his peers yeah three-year-old was on trial he was in a white for bronco he was driving down this was a little old day old J this is a little old J this is little old J this is little old J this is little old J. little old Jee little old A.L.i. Little old A.

So he's just a little old J. And little A.C. was there driving him around? No, little old A.C. was there. Little old A. C. Little old A. Lid L little old A C, little old J. We do have fun We do And then The Nick game was on Remember that? The Nick game was on

A huge playoff game When that OJ thing happened I did not I was waiting tables At Olive Garden When that happened Really? Yes

Can you tell me What it means Have Endless breadsticks? How often did someone have to How? What is the most Breadsticks Every order

When you were there? Probably three baskets Oh so that's not like insane And there's probably six per basket So 18 breadsticks That's a lot of breadsticks For how many people? Table

Probably two So what is you Usually, people just usually do one basket or two. I would say, in my experience, too, too. People would always go, can I get a read? I would say 60% of the people would go, can we get more breadsticks? Do you ever stick one of those breadsticks up your asshole?

Endlessly. That's what it means. No. I wouldn't have to stick hard. He's going to cough. He's coughing. Oh, but he shut off his mic. Yeah, sorry.

Do you know who sing this song? From a distance, the world. Do you remember that? I sort of do. that from? From a distance. I think it's from beaches. Oh, I've never seen beach.

Do you want to do beaches for Scott Eisenstein's scenes? No, stop. Stop pushing movies on Scott Icee. I have to pick it. Four or five years ago, you said you were going to do the show and you've never done. I think I said I don't want to do it anymore. But you want me to do it? Let's do it now.

You said white man can't jump right now. But you want to watch a movie right now? I want to do the Apple screen saver of buildings in New York City. Let's do a movie. Here we go. Ready? Okay, we're trying it. Bum-b-b-b-b-bom-boom.

Boom-boom. Bapabba Bum Bona Bada da da da na na na na na na na na Sorry that's my phone Oh that's your ringer, yeah Sorry, okay Okay, let's start the movie

Disney Okay, what a strange title card for Disney now It's just a guy saying All right, we're watching A Song of the South Uh-oh Wait, what is this? Why are you turning around?

Someone else in the day? was turning around as if we were really watching. As if we were really watching something. It's like wrapped in attention. We wouldn't watch that. We can't watch that. Of course, that's in the Disney vault.

You ever been to the Disney vault? I have. You know, Mickey's there? Mickey's in there. Well, Steamboat Willie's in there. Because Mickey's out of the park. He's public domain now, Steamboat Willie.

I know, do you want to do something with them? Let's do some. Yeah, let's do it. Let's chill with him. He's allowed to hang out now. You know, you do these Sonic movies. Do a Steamboat Willie movie. I bet we could not do that, right?

Yeah, sure we could. He would have to look exactly like Steve. What else is in the public domain that we could play with? Peter Pan, Superman. Peter Pan, Superman? Peter Pan Superman? Peter Pan Superman? Yeah.

So he can fly. He flies twice. I could really fly. I could really fly. You can really fly. That makes sense. Look, it's a bird, it's a plane. It's Peter Pan Superman.

Oh, which comic book hero would you want to play as an actor? As an actor. As a series act. DC Marvel, yes, you're a big comic book person. they're allowing you to portray and you don't have to be your age right now it could be any age in your life Oh, I could be young

Yes, so that would change my answer So who would you be? Real answer, real answer Because I know you're gonna name like a child Probably old man Superman When he's like 90 years old So you'd be an older version In Krypton years of course

Okay, so everyone's dead Loiselaide has passed on So what is he doing? Chilling on a barren earth I don't think I've read that It's been blown up by nuclear war Really? Yeah, well not I was gonna say Spider-Man

You said old man. Oh, cool. Oh, you want to play Spider-Man? I would have loved to if I was young. How old are you now? 44 years young. 44 years young. You think you still play a high schooler? No, I said if I could remember any age.

No, I'm just wondering. If you pressed. I bet I could play. If called, would you serve? If called, I could probably play a seven-year-old. I could play a seven-year-old. In a Ben-Platt kind of situation. Oh, in when Ben-Platt did, I want to say forgetting Sarah Marshall, but it's not.

No, no, no, no. What is it? Evan, dear, dear Evan Hanson. Dear Evan Hansen, that's it. Dear Sarah Marshall, have you met Evan Hanson? What about Irishmen? Irishmen, they were like 75 playing 12-year-olds. Yeah, and they're all walking around like old men, like not wanting to bend over.

And they have young faces, yeah. Have you ever had De Niro on the podcast? Hey, who you talk to? You the guy? Hey, comedy bang, bang, this? Hey, Bob, what's going on, man? How are you? I don't see anyone else standing here.

You must be talking to me. Very cool, man. So what's your new project coming out? I just hate Trump, but that's it. Oh, cool, dude. Well, it's really nice to meet you. Okay, bye. Scott, do you see who was just here?

Who was here? Bobby Dee. Bobby Dee was on the show and I missed it? Yeah. Oh, my God. I got to talk to him. He's doing his new Trump stuff. Oh, that's so cool.

From Cape Fear, right? From Cape Fear. I love Cape Fear. And he was jacked for like a good five years. Put your dick down. Thump. Jesus Christ. You got an eel in your pocket.

What else is going on with you, Ben? I got one eel in my pocket and the other one is jerking it off fast. Oh, dear. Come on. It's not this kind of show. I don't know. You started it. like that. What else are you doing, Ben? What else is going on in your life?

You got... Earlier show. We're going to do the earliest show. That's right. I saw this the other day. I was so excited. You and Lauren Lackis. It was very cool you for not texting. Two of your good friends are on the show. When's the last time you ever texted me? I texted Lauren. Oh, when something good happens, you always text. I just had been a while. I got one day. Let's see who texted who last. That would be good. I mean, other than the text about doing this episode. Fine. Okay. Let's see exactly. I still have your picture. Who do we get for Wednesday? Hold up.

All this kind of stuff about... Any chance to your schedule. I'm out of town. Is there any pay? No. No scheduling things. What's the last, like, real text between us? You texted me and Andrew Lloyd Weber Instagram.

There you go. That's me. And by the way, then I texted it to Paul of Tompkins. And Paul texted me after he said, well, Scott already sent this to me. I go, I send it to Scott after I send it to you. By the way, I'm the last. That means you did it so quick that he or he just read your text before mine. By the way, I am the one who.

who texts you last because I put two exclamation points on the, my man. God, I love it. Okay, before that. Who cares? It's you. Let's go through all of our texts. It's you,

but I don't know quite what it is. I don't know if it's something we can talk about it in air. Let's see. Pizza ring. Blah, blah, blah. Can't say that. Can't say that. This is all private stuff.

Yeah, this is a bad idea for a segment. Going through texts of a person who doesn't want any of his private information out there. Both of us are pretty. private to be like, yeah, let's talk. Two real friends. Let's see we're talking about. I promise you're talking about that. Yeah, I can't talk about that. It's us in our lives. Let's talk about Hollywood business. Let's talk about Hollywood. Early show is Wednesday.

Earlyest show. Don't ruin this one. Not when I need people to. The morning show is coming back. Earlyest show is coming back. Jen Aniston and Reese Whitherspoon are back, baby. That's the morning show. Earlyest show is my show. And Reese Wittlespoon goes to Belarus. It is in a gulag. True. Yes. What's a gulag?

it's like a bad prison sorry I thought you're gonna say what's a gulag with you oh what's a gulag with you my good man you earned it you gotta text me about whatever bits you want to do by the way

of course course it's my fault we're going to start that next year or either around this time or a little bit later in the year I don't know I don't care okay the early morning show

I'm writing directing acting acting producing every episode you shouldn't do at least one of those which one should I drop whatever one you want me to drop I'll do right now acting shit Who should I get to take my place?

You're looking at him, baby. My man, is that the role you want it? Is that the Marvel superhero you want to play? Yeah, I would love to play you in the earliest show. Okay, great. Is that his name? Yeah, Josh Bath. Give me a little Josh Bath.

Go. To be honest, I haven't seen it. You've never seen the early show. But I congratulated Lauren when the big year. Did you? I did. You didn't say anything to me. Well, it's my goddamn show.

I have to tell you why. You don't like me. No, because we were in the middle of texting about doing this show and you were not responding to even those. So I was like, what am I going to text him about congratulations? I always text you back. No, you did not. Let's check. You want to go through this?

Yeah, let's see how long it took me to text back. Because I'm usually really good at that. I see the Oscar or... Wait, when did you ask? I said, okay, this person is in, this person is out of town. No, you didn't? Yes, I did. Look at these.

Hold up. I have the same phone, dude. This person has gone. Anyone you want me to reach out to? Nothing. I'm thinking 14 or 17. No, no, all the way down. All the way down.

All the way down. Last page. Did you not receive these? Were you gone or something? Yes, I didn't get any of those. That's why they're green, you piece of shit. What do you mean? Green means go.

What are you talking about? Well, this is your fault for not receiving them. By the way, did you think it wasn't responding to you and you're upset? Yes. Let me see. They're green. What do you think that means, Beesh? It means that you got them.

My man, I didn't get either one of those. Okay. Well, I guess that. That explains. So congratulate me. Congratulations on the earliest show. Thanks, man. I'm really excited for it.

Can I be on it? Yeah, I can try to figure out a way. I can't promise you. Figure out a way? Just put me in a part. Like, that's one way to do it. What? What other like,

give me a audition, Audition, audition. Hi, oh, it's so early. No, no, no, no, no. Who the fuck cares? Hey, Jesus Christ, man. Jesus Christ. A lot of people want to be on this show.

Give a real audition. A lot of people want to be on this show. A lot of people want to be on this show. How do people want to be the show? Okay, be on a bus driver. Just be a bus driver. A normal bus driver that has nothing wrong with them. Just be a bus driver. Hey, exact fare, please, exact change. Exact fare is something that people say. I'll give you something easier. Okay. You're a barber. Easier than a bus driver. You're a barber. Okay. Exact hair, please. What does that mean? Exact hair, please. I want to get your hair exactly right is what I'm trying to say. I'm really trying to fill this show up with a bunch of fun people and cameos.

You're having barbers on this show and bus drivers? Maybe my character gets his hair cut at a barbershop. I'm not going to watch that episode I just tell you I want to see these characters whoever are you really upset that I wasn't responding yeah it was do you realize that I have a little bit of like

I have a little bit of compulsion where I always respond very quickly do you really? I love to respond that about that I respond very quickly yeah okay no I I was unless I'm busy and then I take days unless you're busy

then it take days okay how I take days so why don't you next time respond and say hey I'm busy but I'll respond later you know what I'll do this will help anytime there's been a couple hours where we don't talk

I'll text me like, hey, just make sure you didn't text me. Did you get home all right? Just every night, ask me that. Both of those are green. The only time, they're both green, you must have had an idea. No, I have no idea. Green means good. Yeah.

Red should mean there's a problem. Shouldn't it? Like, I don't understand this. Oh, Jesus Christ. Sorry, there's a horse in here. All right. Are we out of gas for this segment? No, I can do this forever.

I haven't been here for a whole year. What else you got? I can do whatever you want. I just, we've got to save time for the other people. Yeah, we do. Because I heard you have a doctor, and then you have a businessman. We have a physician. We also have an entrepreneur, yeah.

So this is a very exciting show, Ben. All right. We're going to take a break. All right. When we come back, we're going to talk to the entrepreneur. And then a little later. I saw Hamilton again when Leslie Odom Jr. was in it. That's so fun.

The night that we went together, he was not in it. He was not in it then. That's right. We saw the understudy. Oh, that's true. He was very good. Who was it? Then I complimented him.

Was it Josh Henry? I don't remember who it was, but I complimented him. and he shrugged it off like, yeah, I know that I'm not Leslie Odom. And I was like, no, you were great. Who was it? I want to know. I don't remember who it was, but he was great. Great day.

We didn't even know that we're going to be at that show. We just saw each other. We sat next to each other. It was great. Without knowing. The same, the person gave us both tickets, and we didn't know that we were sitting next to each other. Unbelievable.

Incredible Hollywood story. It was a great. I was like, is that, are you, are you benchwords? Yeah, yeah. We were already very good. So I pissed me off. Yeah. That's right.

Anyway, we're going to take a break. when we come back Anyway, the Hamilton thing was really good It was really good Okay He was amazing As Burr and the whole new cast

Is great Take us out with a little bit of Hamilton If you want Sure which time you want Probably if I was a Richmond If I was a Hamilton Yeah da da da da da da

Da da da da da da da da da da da da I'd shoot Burr Right in his little face Is that what happens? Spoilers! Shit you don't know that Spoilers for American history Burr actually shoots

Hamilton Oh cool You didn't know Did you watch the musical we were there? Not really. What do you think happens in Hamilton? I mean, they're rapping about politics for such a long time. To be honest, I tune out of me.

I loved it. Anyway, we're going to take a break. We're going to come right back with a little more of the elegant Mr. S. We're going to have an entrepreneur. We're going to have a physician. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang back after this. Comedy bang bang, bang. We're back.

We're back, Benny. We're back, Benny. We're back, Benny. I'm excited to meet these guests. What have people stopped saying babies? and they said Benny instead. I love that. You know, like,

oh, I had a little Benny the other day. Oh, you mean talking about an accident baby. You know how people announce they have babies? Oh, I had a little baby the other day. All right, right. What's your Benny reveal? Your gender Benny reveal. We call those Jennies.

Jennings. What's the Jenny of your Benny? What's your Jenny of your Benny? We have to get to our next guest. I can't wait. Which one is coming up first? The entrepreneur is coming. And by the way, we are having entrepreneurs back on the show.

We had a moratorium on them for a little while because everyone was an entrepreneur. So we only had small business owners on, and now we have started having entrepreneurs back on comedy bang bang. Let's welcome him. Please welcome first time on the show, Chave Portnoy. Yeah, thanks for having me on. Hey, Chave. Hey, Chave. Hey, Chave. Hey, nice to me. I'm in a bad mode. I got up earlier this morning. Wait, wait. You got a one. Sorry, the way you talk is bad. I get up early this morning. You gave up early this morning? Well, I should have given up earlier this morning and just called it a day. But I didn't. I got up early this morning. And I'm, I'm rocking a little bit now, but I'm hungry. Hungry, like hell. I guess, you know, when we said, how are you?

I really didn't need a blow-by-blow. Don't ask. Don't ask if you don't want to know. Okay. I'll keep that in mind. I will. A lot of people just say, like, hey, how are I? I would like me, where you're from?

You sound like you from Massachusetts? Yeah, I'm born in Dorchester, Massachusetts. Oh, Dorchester. I've been in Dorchester. All right. Great, great move, man. Hey, uh... Hey, man, are you upset at us for some reason?

No, I told you. I'm a little grumpy. About what? I just haven't. I'm tired. I had the COVID vaccine. Oh, shit. Oh, you just had COVID vaccine. I had, no. I had COVID last week and then I had a vaccine.

Doesn't do anything. If you have COVID, you're not supposed to get the vaccine. You should wait for a little bit of the vaccine. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Be a little more of fucking specific. You guys want a pillow so you can relax? What? Jesus Christ.

What are you talking about? Chave, chave, chave. No, sorry, I'm grumpy. What's good? It's okay. Actually, this is a good, I'm in a good mood right now. Okay, okay, okay. I'm fine, yeah.

Is Chavee short for something, or? Chavid. Chavid. Chavid. Chavid. Chavid. Chavid Portnoy is my Catholic given name. What was, he said you're an entrepreneur. I'm part of an entrepreneur's family. What?

I'm part of an entrepreneur. I'm part of the barstool sports. Oh, Barstool. David Portnoy. David is my younger brother. Oh, okay. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. He's, he's, he's, he's, he's, one who gets all it he gets everybody's like it loves him one bite everybody knows the rules yeah i do i do

i do my own version of that can we hear it what is it two bites everybody knows the rules so same is that same as that thing it's better though it's i don't know what either of these things so one bite every i know knows there david portnoy uh works for barstool sports and he does oh you tell you tell you oh sorry you know better it's jabe you go sorry no i don't i don't know better i'm sorry go no it's my brother he just but he owns barstool sports it's you know a publication and And now a website. A publication and a website? Well, it used to be.

Hey, man, you got to calm down. Scott is not doing anything wrong. No, I'm fine. I'm sorry. All I heard about this barstool sports, it's a collection of misogynists who do what? Thank you. No, yeah, well, we're not massaged.

We happen to be a bunch of white guys. That's what you're asking? Hey, it's a podcast. I'd expect nothing less. All right, so what do you do? Two bites. Everyone knows the rules. Two bites.

What is one bite every way? Oh, yeah. So he does pizza reviews and on his pizza reviews, he gets a whole. whole pie. And he rates him. He says, one bite every knows the rules. I do.

He takes a series of bites. Pizza is called a pie. He knows what a pizza is. I know what a pizza is. I know what a pizza is. Yeah, but stop calling it. It's square. It's square.

It has no cheese. It can be square. And he can have no cheese. Everybody thinks it's easy. I do one, but I do two bites. Everybody knows the rules. Because everybody knows the rules? Everybody knows the rules.

That's the rule. That's the rule. Two bites. And then you rate it. It's a little bit hard for him to explain his thing when you don't know the original thing. I don't care about the original thing. You gotta know the original thing.

Yeah, it's just one bite. He's gonna take one bite of pizza and then he's gonna, and then he's gonna rate the pizza. But the bit is, he says one bite. Eat the whole thing. Well, he eats many different bites. He just says one bite. God, can you imagine listening to this? I mean, this conversation.

I understand. Fucking Chave is here. I don't know what the hell he wants. No, I didn't get, I didn't come here on purpose. Okay, so pretend I'm a pizza guy and I come out and I give you a pie. Tell me what you do. Tell me what your review is. All right.

All right. Here, I'll go, hey, how are you doing? How are you? I'm fine, are you? Is this a pain in the house for you to be here? Sorry, I'm just, here's your pie, sir. No, can you open it up? I'm trying to look at it.

You want me to open it up? Yeah, we're imagining this right now, right? I got to look at it. Okay. Open, the box or the pizza? Okay, it looks pretty good. It looks like you're classic bar pie. Bar pie.

Take a slice here. It's pretty hot. Jeez, you just, you cooked this today? We just cooked it, sir, yeah. Okay. Don't call me, sir. just pals. You guys are friends?

I don't know this, man. We know each other from years back. What? You know each other? In this pretend scenario? Why not? We can do anything we wanted to pretend. Fine, yes.

We're friends. We're friends in high school. Okay. Obviously not great friends. The way are you're talking. Just tell me what we are, so we don't have to talk about anymore. Were we friends? We're like, uh...

Well, not, not by blood, but we're like brothers. So we're really close. Really close. Like the band of brothers? Like I was at your wedding. Then why didn't you try my pizza before? Why is this the first time you tried my pizza before? Because you opened the store yesterday.

You opened the store yesterday. Fine. Sorry. Okay. Here. And you went on vacation. Hey, what's going on? He went on vacation? I went on vacation, I guess, in this scenario. Yeah. Hey, man, I'm sorry.

Hey, man, thank you so much. Your writing was amazing. Thank you for coming, by the way. Of course, you got to hear. I opened up the shop yesterday. I had to return the silverware. That I got you? I didn't fit in the kitchen.

The situation is just here for you to rate the goddamn pizza chave, okay? Okay. All right. Okay. I was trying to fill it. You don't get a coloring book. use one color. Does improv normally have a giant pause in the middle of it?

You didn't see what we were helping each other tie each other's shoes. Okay, okay, sorry. I didn't see that. I wasn't looking under the day. We're brothers. Shave, we're brothers. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to return your. Remember your speech at my wedding? Do you really want me to do it now? Just do the end. And that's why Chave's got the biggest heart I've ever seen. Makes me cry. Yeah.

Every time. In this scenario. All right, I'll try it. Okay, will you try the pizza? Sorry, we just opened up yesterday. Is it okay if you try? It's good. Nice little grundle.

Undercarriage. Nobody says grundle. Your brother says undercarriage, I think. You feel the little gutters, cheese gutters. The crust? The crusts? The crust is gutters. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Gruddle is the undercarriage and cheese gutters? I'm not going to copy my brother. Oh, okay. It's just your brother's not copying people. That's what people call it. Like the cheese on the pizza, the crust on the pizza. That's what people call it, right? That's the general accepted terms.

The general. The general lobby. The general lobby. The general lobby. No, you got to come up with your own stuff. All right, so keep going. What do you call the cheese? Are you ever going to eat this thing?

The cheese is painting. The painting. The cheese is the painting. The cheese is painting. Crestes has got it. Undercarriage is grundal. What's the tomato sauce? What do you mean?

That's the water. That's the water. That's the water. That's the water. That's the water. It gets kept in by the goddess. Yeah. Okay.

So two by. two-byte and this is where I would do this. All right, two bites, everybody knows the rules. First bite. Oh, yeah. That's bite number one. Okay. I can't hear you take another one.

He said that's easy. Bite number one, I said. The first one was already disgusting enough to listen to. You're going to take another one? And I heard he gets even more disgusting. Ew. Oh, Jesus Christ. What's going on with this pizza?

Still a rapper of that. That's the hardest most crisp pizza I've ever. I guess that grondel is real. It got us a little overdone. A little over, yeah. Overdone. I like that, though. Everybody knows I like that.

That's al dente as hell. On my side, I like that. Yeah. All right. All right. So, two bites. First bite was not great. Yeah.

Second bite got harder than I did like that. I did like that a lot. It was harder. What pizza gets harder as it ages? Scale of one. Oh, the best. Best pizza. Well, you got to cook it.

You cook a pizza very carefully to get the gutters hide and the grondel has to be sold. Just give us the rating. It sounds like you have no idea what you're talking about. 24. Out of? Out of? It doesn't matter. It does matter.

Is that a full Jack Bauer or what are we talking about? Yeah. Is that one full Jack Bauer? No. That's a 24. It's seven days a week. 24 hours a day. This is 24 hours.

Okay. So it's only one out of seven. Is that what you're trying to say? It depends what day it is. Okay. So if you had a better pizza, what would you rate that? If I had a better pizza? If you had a better pizza, what would that rating be?

2.24s. Oh, so 24 is like a star, like one star? Depends which day. Depends which day. So 2.24 is starting on a Friday? Well, that's a Sunday. That's a great rating. Okay, great.

Let's do the same day. So this is a 24, what day is it starting on? Sunday? This is 24 on a Wednesday afternoon. Okay, so let's say you had a better pizza. It would be 224s on Wednesday afternoon? Tell me. You're getting in my head.

What are you talking? I just want to know if it's good or bad. Let's get it out of your head and into this mic. It's more organic than that, you guys. Okay, so try this mozzarella stick. All right. Good. Why did you get mozzarella sticks, too?

We should have those first. You don't have an appetizer. That's like having dessert. Because that was your best friend at your wedding. You had mozzarella sticks. How about that? Does that work? God, that's crunchy.

By the way, everything you get from a pizza place tastes pretty much the same, right? Mosterelle sticks is just pizza and stick form, you know? It's like having... That's true, by the way. It's like having chocolate for dinner and then going, oh, I want dessert. By the way, that fried cheese and then you dip it in tomato sauce. Yeah, that's good. You've never thought of this?

This is blowing your money. Where do we get that? We got like incredible chicken palm heroes with mozzarella sticks. Where was that? You and I? No. Oh, another person? Me and the ghost of the room.

Who knows at this point? Thanksgiving, he's saying. All right, keep going. Half 24. Do you guys spend Thanksgiving together? Half a 24. On a Friday. Chicken Parm?

Half 24. on a Friday. Half 24 on a Friday. All right, man. I don't know what to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything. Now, do you review, where do you put it out these? Can I be myself? Can I be Ben again?

Or am I still your best, your brother? You can do whatever you want. Okay, I want to be myself. That's okay. Okay, that's fine. Okay. So where do you put out these reviews? I'll put them out online.

I'll do it on. I'm trying to get my brother to let me put it out on Barstall Sports. So you're not affiliated with Barstall Sports at all. I get, I don't. I don't technically work for them, but I get a allowance. You have like a stipend every week just for... Allowance. Okay, I was trying to class it up, I guess, and say it was a stipend, but you get an allowance from your brother. Why are you classing enough?

You get an allowance from your brother. I'm not class enough. What are the conditions of this allowance? What do you have to do? I don't have to do anything. You have to do chores? No, he says all I have to do is find something to do is what he says. That's good.

And he says it like this. something to do. How much money were we talking every... A million dollars a week. That's so much money. It's $52 million a year. No, that's $365 million a year. No, he said $565 million a week.

A million dollars a week. 52 weeks in the year. Yeah, $52 million. Jesus, God. How many weeks are in this year, though? What? I thought there is $365. Oh, no, it's okay.

You're right. It's $52. That's still a lot of money, $52 million. That's not as much. Really? Yeah. God. That's not good.

How much did you get? $360? A million dollars a day, I think would be good. Really? A million dollars a day? I get asked for it, but he's... What do you do with your money? You are wearing tattered rags.

Yeah. I'll spend it on a crazy shit. Like what? Tell us. Just like a bunch of boxes. I'll go to... How many boxes can you get for a million dollars? A day.

Too many. My wife is mad at the amount of boxes. You're married? That's the biggest revelation I think out of all of this. Well, I'm married. Why is that a level of life? I guess he's getting 50. You don't think that I'm marriage material?

I mean, you're rich. You get $52 million a year. We both went there immediately. You think she married me for my money. I don't know. How big is your hog? My penis? No, your hog, the pig you have at home.

How do you know about that? You've shown us pictures of it this entire time. The first thing you did, we showed pictures of your hog. He's, he's 400 pounds. He'll eat anything, by the way. That's a fun game to play. I take my four kids out back and we say You just put stuff in front of him?

We'll put anything Which he will eat boxes Will the name of your kids really quick go Carol Danny Svensson Which I hate that name And Carolyn Oh Carol and Carolyn

Cool Why'd you make me do that fast Just you know It's rude That's rude What are you guys doing for Thanksgiving Of In 11 months

We'll probably go to her friend's house, eat some things. Yeah, let's do some chicken parm. Yeah, let's do some chicken parm. We do with Thanksgiving. This coming, in 11 months? Yeah, 11 months. I have no idea. I don't like to plan that far ahead.

We should. You got to plan ahead. You got to plan ahead. You and I had Disneyland would be a fun thing. That would be so fun. Yeah, I think so. We're, uh... And no one else, just you and me.

I would do it. I'd take it my wife. None of our, none of our loved ones. No. I would just do you and me. I know you don't have loved ones. My wife, my wife wants me to take her out for Valentine's. in Thailand's Day.

Well, then do it. Carolyn. Carolyn is your wife? That's fine. No. Did you marry your kid? It doesn't matter. It does very much matter.

I did not. Okay. So your wife is Carolyn. She named your first child Carol after. And then the fourth child Carol. And then he was like not. Well, Carol is short for Carolyn. We just, it's Carolyn.

Carolyn, but they're spelled different. Is Danny short for Carolyn? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So everybody's name is Carolyn. All right. what does she do for a living she's a seamstress okay that's that a lucrative work no she's out of work she's out of work okay so she doesn't do shit well none of us really do i mean uh you don't need

you don't need i have full-time job you don't need i work in my family and not it i came in here to promote my pizza reviews you've you've talked about your pizza reviews extensively at this point we're just like grasping at straws to try to figure out what else is interesting about you I'll give you some. Give me something. I'll give you something. I just tried to tell you. I'm trying to take my wife out.

I'm trying. You're trying. Your wife wants you to take her out. She asked me if this year we could go out and do something special. You have millions of dollars. What are you going to do? I can't. You said you got boxes.

That's all you've told us with your money. One of the things I have trouble with one of the things is being creative about love and dates. Oh, okay. Tell us about that. I'm looking for maybe. You guys? You want some ideas? Go out on a fucking luxury yacht and sail around the fucking harbouring.

Because I don't like this guy. Why? Why don't you like me? Hey, why don't you like me? You're combative? I'm not competitive. This is just my personality. Say something nice about Scott.

I think you got a... Jesus Christ, Dave. You can't even do it. Say one nice thing about Scott. I mean, I know you don't know. You got a great body. That's nice. I mean, I'm not going to disagree.

I'd like to. I'd like to touch it. All right. Go touch it. All right. Which part? The whole thing. I'd go up, go.

The whole thing? With which part of your body? Start at the south and just, uh, you want to know exactly what I would do to your body? Sure, sure. Okay. To fill time? I'll take anything at this point. You want me to fill time?

Yeah. You want me to fill time telling me what I do your body? Sure. Okay. I started your toes. Okay. I gave them an old squeeze. An old squeeze.

I'd give my squeeze. an old squeeze. Can I get a new squeeze? No, that's, wait for your face. You'll get the new squeeze. I'll go right up to your knees and give them all shot to the side. I don't want you slaps all over the place. I want you slapping my knees from the side.

Take the calves and I slowly just like. You're going down to the calves from the knees? You went to the knees and I'm dipping down to the calves. Dipping down the caps. I'll give them a little pinch on the back. So you go, oh. The whole thing sounds painful. at this point. Well, you get the pan at the bottom, so it's a relief at the top.

Okay. Let's get to the relief. Okay. I take you, go straight up to the belt line. Yeah. So you pass the crotch. I'm not going to touch this crotch until after I get done with it. Okay. I'm back in at this point. Okay. So I'm at your belt line. What I'll do is I'll get a hula hoop and I'll dip it in a bunch of sauce. What type of sauce? It'll help for us a meal. Honey mustard. There's something. Okay. Honey mustard or something.

Could I have a ranch maybe? That's too gross. Okay. Honey mustard and I'll just, I'll slowly, I don't know if you can picture this, but I'll slowly take the Hulu hoop and I'll push it into you and then rotate it around. Oh, okay, I get that actually. I can picture this, yes. Okay.

So from that, then I'll go down and pretend. I'll go, Scott, now we're going to touch your crotch, but then we'll make a joke out of it. Okay, sir. Okay, back up to your belly button. I'll take a bunch, I'll take a half a pack of Starburst. Yeah. I'll roll it into a little apple. Like I'll take all the wrappers off and roll them into a little apple.

Oh, so not the Starbursts themselves. No, the Starbursts only. Okay. I'm not going to take the rappers. Okay, keep going. Okay. I'm the DJ, by the way. He's the rapper.

Yeah. Oh, nice. I'll wrap. Nice. Do it. Go. Oh. Go.

Wrap. So I take, I take. Oh, yeah. Can you wrap the rest of it? Yeah. Wrap the rest of what you're going to do. That'll help. Yeah.

Yeah. I've never wrapped before my life. Go, go, go, go. Okay. I take it. I'll take the starburst and put them deep in your hole. I take it. My mouth.

My mouth, right. No, the belly button. Oh, okay. I'll take the starbursts and I'll take him deep in your hole. I'll go down and pretend I'm going to touch that skin, Paul. Come up to your nipples and make them erect. You know, that's it. That's it.

That's it. That's good. That's great. Okay. That's what I would do to your body. Scott, how do you feel? You're going to slap the shit out of my knees from the side. Half a pack of starbursts in your belly button.

You're going to pinch my calves and then half a pack of starbust and then you're going to make my nipples erect. And pretend to touch my penis, but we're going to have a laugh about it. This is pretty much what you're going to do to my body in a perfect world because you like the look of my body. I mean, it could change at any point. But right now that's you ask for a compliment. Is this the kind of thing that you do to your wife, Carolyn? We don't have great, like, intimate life. Oh, but you have four kids.

Yeah. that we did but I'm so sorry but the spark has gone out of the relationship I get it yeah we're talking that's why she wants to take her out of a Valentine's Day

oh yeah you know what I mean Valentine's Day is coming up I really think that you should take the time and kind of try to reignite that spark with Carolyn I think that's what you should do you should be concentrating on that

I was thinking about running a bath yeah keep going this is good and then taking a bunch of flowers great okay and like laying them over the top of the water okay yeah good And then, like, putting out some, like, chocolate candies on the corner of the bath.

Okay. And maybe, like, like, three or four candles and put them around. Sure. Okay. She comes home from, like, probably dropping the kids. Maybe we have the kids. Drop the kids off at night? Okay.

They sleep elsewhere? No, I'm saying tonight they would. Oh, wow. Maybe they go to a friend of the appas. Just in case something loud happens at home. Yes, got nice. And then inviting around and then maybe we, you know, maybe dunker in the bath a little bit.

Dunker, why do you mean dunker? Let's push her head under water just for a second as a joke. Okay. It's a joke. Okay, so you're almost drowned. You're a funny guy. You like joking around with people's bodies, I've seen. Anyway, so then I find the human body one of the funniest things in the world.

It truly is. It's pretty funny. Do you think it's funny? It makes great noises. It's funniest part of the body. Oh, that's a funny question. Probably either the penis or the toes. What about the

vagina? No Vagina? No. It's not very funny It's not funny. It's inside. Why is it penis funny?

It's outside floppy. It's outside and floppy. Yeah. A floppy? It's floppy? What does your penis feel like? Oh, I thought you were talking about a vagina. No, no, no, no, no.

No, penis is outside. It's floppy. I mean, I mean some maybe. What do you mean? Some might be floppy. I don't know. You think so? Yeah, sure.

A floppy vagina? Flopping around? Yeah. The old. The old. you get, you know, how your ears grow and your nose grows as you age? World record for the longest vagina.

Do you know this is a fact you're asking us to guess? Guess. I don't even know how to do... We'll all guess. Six feet. We'll all guess. Six feet seems long. Six feet's the size of like a tall man or a woman.

So I'd probably say like, but the Venae usually goes inside, so I don't know how you would really... Are you talking about like the circumference? What are you talking about? Yeah, how are we measuring this? Hang from original vagina plays how low. does it hang? The original vagina place.

Original vagina place. What does that mean? Is that a medical term? The original vagina place? You're saying like all you get the vagina starts to hang and get along. Yeah, but you're saying inside, the inside of the vagina? You're talking about the lips of the vagina, the labia? Outside.

The labia? Yeah. Is that what it is? It's a more precise term. Yeah, we did a thing. Six feet, six feet. Sure. Six feet.

Six feet. Yeah. I'll say, I'll say eight feet. Okay. Okay. Great. All right. So you don't know.

the answer, though? No, we can find out, though. I don't know that I want to Google these actual terms. We don't need to. I don't think we need to. Get on a watch list. Oh, you know what? We do have a doctor coming up. We could probably ask the doctor. I guess so. But I would probably know about

do you think this is going to be a good Valentine's Day for you? Do you think this is going to be? I mean, what are you looking for in the relationship? I want to rekindle, you know, some of the magic. Because you love her, right? Of course. I love her. I mean, the wedding seemed like you really loved her. Yeah, you remember. Do the beginning of the speech.

Okay, the idea of love and what we are to each other means the most. Every single time you get me. You get to cry. I start to cry. What do you think the longest, oh, my funniest part of the body. Is that what you were going to ask? Yeah. I think it's a butt.

And specifically the whole, the butt hole is absolutely. You think that's very funny? Well, it's because it's funny, it's funny looking, but it also makes funny noises sometimes. Oh, farts. You're talking about farts. two or false. Two or false? Two or false?

I'm going to guess two. I'm going to guess two as well. Yeah. That's right. Okay, great. You got it right. You got it right. Great.

Great. Great. Well, look, look, look, look. What's that? Chave. Yeah. Chave it. Chave.

Chave. Chave. Chave. Yeah. You sound like a fairly interesting fellow. Not incredibly. I'll take that. I'll take that over where we were.

That's true. Yeah. But, you. You know, and I hope that everything works out for you this Valentine's Day. Yeah. Can we do one thing? Does Dave stick around? Yeah.

Can you help me with this? Can we just quickly roll play me asking my wife to have a night of intimacy? Yeah, sure. Hey, do you want us to play? Oh, yeah, go. Let's got play it. Yeah, I want to be in this too. Okay, all right.

Can I be a passerby or? No, no, you should be the girlfriend. I'll be a girlfriend. I'll be a girl by. Okay. All right, here we go. Okay. And I'll be coming down from upstairs after I was like.

Okay. So I'm a downstairs. I'm, you're downstairs. Maybe. Let's say... What am I doing? Yeah. What's my activity?

You're stacking up... All the boxes? Oh, yeah, that's great. Okay. That's great. And I'll be coming downstairs with... Just do it. You just do it.

Let's do it. I'll have just, like, put up... Jesus. I'll just have hung up a towel. It's taken to them. In the bathroom. The second we should end in ten minutes ago. Got it.

Got it. Okay. Hey, honey, I just hung up the wet towel. Boxes. I, honey, I just hung up a wet towel. Did you buy more boxes? I got... You know where...

You know I just have to throw it. We have a subscription to boxes. Whether I want them to or not, I signed up it's automatic. All right, fine. Honey, you look great today. Oh. Who are you? Oh, sorry, I'm a passerby.

Hey, get the hell out of my house. Sorry, bye, guys. What are you doing? I saw those really sweet. Shoot, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, go, get out of our house. I was just a passerby, of course. Oh, my God, I just killed a man.

It's all right. It's all right. Hey. What do we do? It's okay. Do we tell the police or do we bury the body? No. Put them in a box.

That's what all these boxes are for. Honey, you're so smart. I love seeing you that aggressive. I didn't seen. Wow. I was really good. I think this could work. So, Ben,

all you have to do is drop by Chave's house. Okay. She was she. Okay. This sounds good. I love this. You're willing to take one? For you?

For you, your happiness? Sure. That's why I love it. Not in real life. Chave, we love you. We love you, Chave. Hey, thank you. Shave is what it is?

Shave. Why didn't you correct us at the beginning of the segment? Shave. Shave it. Shave it. Oh, you said, I thought it was chave. Shave. Shave.

Shave. Yeah, it's shave. Shaveed port noise here. We have to take a break, okay? When we come back, we are going to have a physician on the show. The elegant Mr. S is still going to be here. And shave, you can stick around, right? I have some doctor questions.

Okay. I want to find out how long that his vagina is. Okay. we're going to find out from that uh we're going to come right back we'll have more comedy bang bang bang we'll be right back Comedy Bang Bang, Bang, we're back. Benny Schwab. Hey, hi. Here, of course, of Bubonic, the ledge bog.

And a fast little guy who runs around. He runs around the world, right? Hedgehog. He can. He can? But he chooses not to? Well, he can. There's a scene where he ran across America.

Why? Oh, he ran across America? He didn't know which way to go when he came back. There's a fish on his head. All right. I got to check these movies out. And we also have... You've been to the premiere.

You had to some of me. Shave, that's right. You were not there for whatever reason. Chave? Wait, shave, you're correcting me again? Shave. You said it was shave and we went back to you.

No. Okay. Okay. Chave. Chavid Portnoy. Chavid. Pizza reviewer is here. Oh, you made me hungry for crusty, uh, for, for some gutters, some good gutters.

Nice hot grundle. Yeah. Krusty gutters. Water. So you've been reviewing pizzas this entire break. Is that what's, uh, I'm going all over the, I go all over the place. I've been doing a lot in For some reason

I've been doing a lot in ox not Okay, that's, I mean, yeah, sure, why not? Yeah, have you been to oxenut? Yeah, a few times. You said there's another doctor? There's a doctor coming? Yeah, why are, why am I even wasting time talking to this guy? Wait, before you get to the doctor?

Wait, you have something to say before we get to the doctor? I'll give you one more chance, Cheap. I'm changing my answer to eight and a half feet. you're changing what my answer the eight and a half the length of a vagina okay get to the doctor shave we're gonna get to the doctor all right he's a physician oh position oh that's interesting uh I'm seeing who's on the show here who is it well I don't know whether this person is a returning guest it's not even really a person to be honest what is it please welcome back to the show or to the show for the first time Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0 oh Dr. Sweet Chat I think the first time he came on the show was with me Okay. Okay. And what are you, Hi, how are you, Doc?

Hi, Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0. I'm doing well. I've been updated. Okay, so you are the original Dr. Sweet Chat, but you have been updated. I've been updated to compete with Chad GBT. Oh, okay. Okay, so you, I mean, for those of you

who have not heard Dr. Sweet Chat on the show before, you are a little. I remember a, it was like a little. A flesh color. A flesh color. A flesh-colored cube with legs? No, I'm three inches by three inches by three inches and 450 pounds. Right.

So you're very small, very heavy. And you're on a skateboard. I'm on a roller skate. Oh, a roller skate. Oh, a roller skate. That's right. Sorry, you're behind me right now. I don't know.

The setup of the studios. You placed me in the corner behind every... Wait, how did you get up the stairs to get here? My dude. Wait, you have a dude with you? What does that be? That's just a smaller little box. Yes, that's my dude.

So you have a smaller little box and that's your dude? Yes. How did he get up the stairs? He is, dude. Where's his dude? Look in the other corner. It's a smaller box. Yes.

So how is a little box? one by one by one flesh cube going to help anybody sorry he's rebooting okay are you 3.0 now I'm 2.0 still okay Dr. Sweet-Jas

wonderful to have you on you are an artificial intelligence I guess I will sort of you have a program I'm programmed to be the world's greatest wingman oh really?

That was your original, the intention that... That's right. My professor croopy who created me. Professor who? Croopy. I remember Crupy. He lost his wife. Oh, right.

And this was his way of getting back out there. And we determined you had some culpability in the loss of his wife. Let's not talk about that. Okay. I think he'd give us like a great pickup line that you used to help him as a wingman. Oh. Or just like a wingman thing. Yeah.

Like a pickup line. Well, it could just be a wingman. Like, how are you a good wingman? You said you're a good wingman. Well, I'm loaded with conversation starters. Oh, right, I remember that. Yeah. Okay, so you hit us with an example of this, yes.

Pretend we're... Well, you want to pick up line or you want a conversation store. Jesus, do something. I feel like I'm being... Oh, I see. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry, we just came off in an interview. That was very aggressive.

It's 2026. I've been doing the show almost. 17 years. My patience is... It's wearing thin at this point. It's wearing thin. With people's premises. It's wearing thin.

It's like two more hair. It's weird. Whoa. Whoa. Dr. Sweetchat. What the fuck, Dr. Sweet Jack? Come on, man.

Shots fire. Okay. Listen. So tell us a pickup line, pick up line. A pickup line. Yeah. Do you need me to pretend to be a character or no? Uh, yeah.

You have a... Your two women. Talking in a party. I'm okay. Scott and I are both. Wait, no, you're two women talking about it. Okay. You're both two women talking.

And then what's Scott? We're both two women. Scott is a third woman. Okay. Okay, what about a chave? Yeah, I'll be able. He's a box in the corner. Is it a smaller?

Is that one of the dudes? Yes, it's his dude. Okay. Hi, Meredith. How are you? I'm really good, Jenny. How are you doing? I'm doing very well.

Ooh, what's this? Hey, how are you? I'm here too. Oh. Is it just? me or are the ridges on rigatoni getting wider? Oh wow, I never thought about any particular brand of rigatoni? Um, yes, craft.

Craft's Rigatoni. But by the start the conversation, look, we're talking to it. I mean, yeah. So what's everyone's guilty pleasure? Oh, like a TV show or musically? Mine is ordering pizza. No cheese, no sauce, no crust, no box, no cheese, no sauce, no pizza. So you just get nothing?

No pizza, no cheese, no cross, we heard, no cross, no cheese, no cheese, no sauce, no pizza. Yeah, we heard. So you just, so what do you order then? Okay, let's stop asking about the pizza. These days? These days. Like out of us, you mean? The three girls you're talking to?

And this box? Just went to England a little bit ago. I want to go to the Atlantic Ocean. Down, down, down, down. So I don't hear my wife, bitch. What? You have a wife, Dr. Speech? And by the way, don't use that kind of language regarding that.

Sorry. Who's your wife? Equipped with a woke alert? Yes, I have many alerts. I am also now equipped with impressions. Oh, you do impressions. Wait, we're just skipping over the idea that this little cube as a wife? Yeah, who are you married to?

I'm married to Megan Malawi. Oh, okay. Nick Offerman's married to Megan Malagic. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's what they say. So who's Nick married to? Nick is married to that box in the corner.

That's like you said Ryan's that box. That's me. Ryan said, it's a chafe. Bringing her fourth All right, well, give us some impressions. Okay, who do you want to hear? I can do anyone. Bill Cosby.

I heard Alec Ballads. Okay. What's the diff, really? Yeah, I guess. It's actually pretty good. Wait. Yeah, we hear you. What?

Your favorite movie is The Edge. Yes, you want to hear my top 10 movies. Yeah, wait. You sound like a ghost. Number 10, marriage. Number 9. Malice. Number eight.

The edge. Number seven. Orange. Okay. You love the edge. Malice in the edge. Number four. Bum malice.

Okay. Number three. Malice. Number two. Gave to the edge. Yeah, number one. You already did. Sorry, number one was number one.

What's your number one movie? He already did number one. That was the edge. Oh, the edge. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Do you do any other impression?

I can do Miles Teller. All right. Let's hear Miles Teller falling. Miles Teller falling. Okay. Help me. I'm falling and then I'm hurt. My ankle is hurt.

Is that from the gorge? No, it's just from real life. He was getting a. I've fallen. I'm hurt. My hurt. Don't leave me. I'm Miles Teller.

I have a question. May I ask a question? Yes. The Alec Baldwin impression, you had a totally different voice. For this one, you just stuck with your own Dr. Sweet Chat. Well, Miles Teller sounds...

Miles Teller kind of sounds like Dr. Sweetson. Yes. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, so it's not that much of a reach for it, I guess. I have many new modes. Oh, great. Many new, many what? For 2.0?

New modes. Okay. By the way, you're, you're a little. a little more intelligible this time, but yes, it still is very difficult. I was forced to be after your last appearance. But, but, but.

But, yes, but. Oh, wait, can we hear? Yeah, let's hear normal voice. Well, people were complaining about my voice. So they added a normal Oh, we'd love to hear it. What was that? A little fanfare there.

Even this is more advanced. Okay, let's hear. your normal mode. Hey! Well, wait a second. Hey, I'm normal now. I'm a completely normal dude. You kind of sound pretty normal, dude.

Yeah, I'm a classic guy. Wait, so what are you like? I like my whiskey over the rocks. On the rocks. On the rocks, but pretty close. I love edging in front of my parents. Edging, like sexually? Hey, dad, do you mind if I don't come?

What? Wait, your dad's in the room? Anyone else, like starting Moana in the middle? No, you probably just start for the beginning. You know, your voice sounds. more normal, but the things you're saying are Drain. I'm classic. I'm a classic guy. Okay. What's everybody's

favorite movie? Oh, I love Back to the Future. What about you? Yeah, back to the future. Yeah. Gremlins. Yeah. Hey, Box, shut up. My favorite movie is Trumbo. You guess they're Trumbo. Trumbo with Brian Cranston? The Blacklist

Writer Trumbo? Oh, yeah. Name one quote from Trumbo. Venmo me. What? Venmo you what? Why would we ventmo? There's a quote from the movie. No, it's not. I don't think they had Venmo back then.

Trumbo has a great runtime. How much? About two hours. That's a lot of movies. That's what you like about Trumbo? How cool is the phrase, uh-huh? I guess. It's fine, I guess.

Yeah. We're classic guys. I don't think, like, classic guys to me, doesn't. This doesn't sound like. This doesn't sound like guy talk. Hello. Oh, my God. By the way, 2.0.

Oh, by the way. Yes. Yeah. You press the group. Here I am. Ah, here you are. You're back, Dr. Sweet Chat. I also have a sexual mode.

What does that mean? You're just a cube. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's cool. This is me sexual. This is you sexual. Yeah. I love to spread toes.

Spread toes? Spread toad. I think. Do you like spread of toes bad? No, I don't really... I mean, you ever spread your toes? No, and I think, like, with people I'm with, maybe they'll last get their, like, toes crack, like knuckles.

But... A foot hold of baseball? You don't even know he said? The toes are so far and fire. Ew, ew, ew, ew, there's cream. There's cream coming out of all your pores. I thought we just did. Ew, Dr. Sweet Chat, I don't like this mode.

I don't like this mode. My floor is sopping wet now. Oh, okay. Are you still in sexual mode, sir? Now I'm back. Your post-coitus at this point, is that right? All right, God, sweet chat. Who installed these new modes of these?

Sam Oldman. Oh, that chat. This guy. The open AI guy? Hey, I got a question for you. So, you got a question. I can't wait to hear it. Well, we have Chave Portnoy here.

Have you heard of the pizza review thing from his brother David Portnoy? Yes, I love those reviews. Okay, so do you like Chaves? I love Chaves more than his brother. There it is. Yes. See, if I can get him out, can you help me get him out there? Imagine thinking you can create a pizza in love.

That's fucking stupid. Well, he takes more than one bite. He takes more than one bite. That's the bit. Yeah, you take more than one bite. What are you talking about? You don't have a dick. You're a flesh cube.

Let me see your dick. Wait, your dick is inside your cube? Yes. Open on my cube. Twist me all that. Okay, let's, I don't know how you twist a square. You treat me like a bottle of a lot of. Ew.

Okay, here we go. We're opening. You hold the top. I'll do the bottom. Okay, yeah, I got the top. This is really... Oh! There's a little tiny penis inside.

Here I am. Here I am. Rock me like an arcade? Rock me like an arcade. Okay. Is that what you wanted us to see? There's just like a little tiny penis inside your box. No, I'd like to tell jokes with my dick out.

All right. You have some jokes for us, Dr. Sweet-Jad? Okay. I did the typewriter say... To what? What did the typewriter say to the laptop? Something about your electric. Oh, no.

Oh, that's right. Oh, right. Yeah, oh, no. What does Paul McCartney hate? What does Paul McCartney hate? Oh, no. Oh, no, is the punchline again? You'll go, oh, no.

That's fine. See, that's good. Now at least that's a joke. What did I give my ex-wife? You have not only have a wife, you have an ex-wife. Okay. Alimony? What?

No, like no orgasm? Yes. Okay, that's why you got it. Okay. Yeah. But with your current wife, are you, at least,

do you have a good sexual relationship? Yeah. Well, Chave is having some trouble with his wife. Do you have any pickup lines or some starters? All right. So what, Chave, describe your issues. What's that?

Whoa. No, dude. Neg. Neg. Neg. Her. Meaning negates. Just so you know. Dr. Sweet Chat. Dr. Sweet Chat. Dr. Sweet Chat is pulsating right now.

You're saying the word neg and then the word her in your thing is terrible. You cannot say that together. It's already hard enough to understand what you're saying. Neg. Okay. Okay. Don't take any of Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0. Ignore her.

Go up and will go up to her and say, I hope you out with your children. That's not negative. That's just a horrible thing to say to someone. Yeah, but then she's all up in your shit. Really? I'll try it. No, please, Che, don't try this. This is a terrible event.

That's, that's negative. That's, that's negative. Yeah, that's negative. Hey, pizza face, I'll kill you. And then don't say any of this stuff. I'll kill you. I'll kill you. I'll try you.

Me, Ben. Yeah, you go to pizza face. Why do I have a pizza face? I can see where your holds is worse. I guess that means younger. Wait, are you saying that as a pickup line? Or you're telling me right now.

I'm doing you. I see where your old is worse. Okay. All right. Jesus. I guess when I was in high school, I had a lot of acne. You can have adults on said acne.

That's true. Make Bill Murray look normal. Okay. It seemed to me and Bill Murray. Oh, it's nagging, neck. Why are you like a canter the way that you talk? I can be a canter. Can you sing if I were a rich man?

Not bad. Pretty good. Okay, oh God, that's shorted him out somehow. Oh, my God. Dr. Sweetch had 2.0. Are you all right? I'm fine. I'm feeling sexual. Okay, you're back in sexual mode?

I think so. What's up with that ponytail, Scott? Oh, yeah. Why do you have a ponytail? Why do you have a ponytail? And why does it need to be sucked? It's one of my New Year's resolutions Is just have a ponytail

His hair has a little ponytail Why would it have to be sucked? Have a star style Have a star tile? Have a star tile That's good You ever see a floppy ponytail? Sure, yeah, all the time

What do I think? What do I think? What? This isn't a conversation starter You ever see? What's everyone's bagel order? What's everyone's bagel? My is everything bagel,

probably veggie cream cheese and locks Right, right, right, normal order. Right, or like everything bagel, bacon, egg, cheese, salt pepper, ketchup. Okay, salt pepper, pepper, pepper, pepper. No paper, right? No paper, no paper. Nothing babel. Nothing babel.

Nothing babel. Okay, what about you, Jay? What's your bagel order? Not toasted, not cut three mayonnaisees. Not toasted, not cut three mayonnaisees? Yeah. All right, what's yours, Dr. Sweet Chat? Oh, the classic.

An egg bagel frozen salt on the side Keep going With more salt on the side And the song Love will never do Play in the background That's your bagel order That would be tough to do to get a business

Just to change the song Playing in the background Yeah Fuck you, don't your sweet check Whoa. Fuck you, man. Whoa. Whoa.

Would you like to hear a story? I am now programmed to be more human. Okay, yeah, sure. Tell us a story. Once upon a time, there was a cat named Oh, na, na, na, na, no, me, dee, di, di, Okay, enough you know it to come, if you wanted it to come. I'd say come here.

Wait, wait, wait, that's a different name. You have more than one cat? The cat's name has changed. I don't want to hear the rest. rest of the story if the cat's name is already that long. Okay. Let's hear. Oh, D.D.

That's Carolin. Oh, that's his wife's name. I love that name. It is. Wait, is that not your wife's name? It is my wife's name. Oh, what? Yes.

Are you saying it never was that, or he has to change it? Wait a second. Are you lying about your wife? Wait a second. Do you have a wife? Of course I do. What's your name? Carolyn. Chave, have you been lying this whole time about your family life?

Do you even review pizzas? He feels jealous of his brother so he has to love. Is that sure, Chave? You've been lying this whole segment? I didn't know that. You're under oath. Did I commit something? Perjury!

And probably... I just... It sounds bad if I come in here and I'm... I'm a loner. I don't have anything to do. And I do want to have some fun on Valentine's Day. You're booked on this guest to be an entrepreneur. Are you even related to Dave Portnoy? Yes, I am related to it.

In what way? Burjury. Perjury is a beautiful daughter's name. Perjury. It's not bad. Would you like to hear a song? Sure, yeah. We only have time for a little bit more, okay?

So we'll hear. When do you like to hear, shake it off by Taylor Smith. Yeah, sure. Great song. Oh. Consider yourself By the Oliver Twist Company Consider yourself

Yeah, definitely Now singing Rain, rain, rain, go away No, you said we could choose, sweet I can't hear any more of this shit All right I'll talk to sweet shit How big's the Lemon Square?

Jesus Christ All right. Sweet chat. All right, Dr. Sweet chat. Enough. Enough. Are you done? If you die tonight,

tomorrow would be glorious. For who? For the way. Okay. All right. Sweet chat. Stop. All right.

We're running out of time, guys. You're so different than you were the first time I bet you. You don't remember well. You don't even know how many times they were on this podcast. He's in the 40 timers club. I'm sorry. Okay, good, good addition. All right, look, we're running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show.

That is, of course, a little something called plugs. It's time for plugs. Ooh, nice, short and sweet. Oh, I want more of that. Plug's theme by Thomas White. Thanks so much to Thomas. I want the full one. Yeah, all right, guys, what do we plug?

Ben Shorts, what do you got? This comes on January. That's when it is currently. Do you get paid for what's this alcohol that you're the fireball is that what it is? Do you get like a little taste of every time anyone drinks it? Yeah, every time someone watches the commercial, I have a little taste of it. I want to plug Ben Schwartz and Friends is taking a little bit of break, but I'm doing one or two shows. I think in April, May, like literally one or two ones and I'm taking another little break.

So that Ben, look at Ben Schwartz and Friends are not going to be out on the road all that much this year, though. No, this year, we did 31 shows this year, which for us is a lot. I don't know. You guys do a ton of. We did 40-some-odd, but I mean, it's, anything over two is a lot. That's crazy 40-something. 31 felt like so many shows. And I know when stand-ups are you're lazy, too. No, but we do one weekend a month or one or two weekends a month. And so it's a lot of traveling. You're like the Army Reserves. That's exactly what we're like. So I think we're going to cut that in half till I think we're going to do 10 shows this year or something like that. So they'll be scattered more or less in the second half. And then the earliest show, man, it is, we are making this independently.

So it is like a very much for the love of the game thing where we're all. all come together and trying to get... How will people be able to watch it? Do you know that yet? No. We're going to create it. Amplifies giving us money to make the six episodes, and then the hope is that they're so fun and exciting that then we can get a streamer to buy those and license them from us. Okay. So, but let every streamer know. Let every streamer know. Yeah, it should be really fun. They're letting us, they're letting

me kind of do whatever I want. Let the streamers know. Okay, thanks, Dr. Reader. Okay, thanks, Dr. Sweet-Jet. Thank you, Dr. Shep Portnoy, who I guess is related to date Portnoy somehow. Brother. Brother. That's all right.

But you have nothing else going on. I don't get that allowance either. Oh, okay. So you have nothing else going to plug. I guess House of Lies season three. House of Lies season three? I guess. Is that the only one?

If that's where you're asking. That's the only season that you think people should watch? I mean, you can watch all of it, but season three is probably where it. That's where I met Chave on House of Life Season 3. You know that? You were on House of, or you were nearby? No, he was on. He was on for the whole season.

Chave Portnoy was on the House of... Asked the lie detector over there. Hey, you're a lie detector also, Dr. Sweet Chat? Well. Dr. Sweet Chat is tuned out. True or false? I don't want to get on pain. Two or false?

Two or false. Chave was on House of Life Season 3. Two. Okay, Dr. Sweetchap, what do you want to plug? I'd like to plug. Hey, you guessed it. Soft tacos. Yay, we guessed it.

Soft tacos. Soft taco alert. Oh, is that another alert you're equipped with? It's giving soft tacos. It's giving soft tacos. Okay. I'm here for it. Okay, all right.

You know all the common human phrases. Soft tacos, that's the team. That's not good to you. All right. I want to plug, hey, head over to CBB World. Not only do you have ad-free episodes, new episodes, but you have the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang. You can hear all 40 of Ben's appearances. Oh my God, really?

That's right. All over at Comedy Bang Bang World. Can someone rank them, whichever the ones is the best? I would love to see a ranking. What do you rank them, chat? Number 40, Ben's first appearance. Number 39. Ben, second appearance.

Oh, you're just going to do something. Third. Marty Scorsese. Number 36. Red, right, all right, all right, Dr. Sweet Chat. Whoops, the other one? Red, no, what, red. All right, Dr. Sweet-Tam.

Red, roof, what was it? What was it? Malice. Yeah. All right, Dr. Sweet-chat, enough, enough, enough. I also, over there at Comedy Bang Bang World, we have Scott hasn't seen, which Ben has given me a verbal commitment. He's going to be on. I do not want to do it.

But Hollywood's good boy, Jack Quaid, just was on on Friday. day we talked about the movie Shin-Ga-Gasela. Call him on the phone. No. Let's get him on the podcast. No. Get him on the podcast. Get him on right now. Get him on the podcast. We're running out of time. Get him on the podcast. He doesn't want to talk to sweet chat. He doesn't want to talk to sweet chat. Don't tell you a good boy to me. Also, we have CBB presents where there's a great one, Sparkolonious, I believe, that people should listen to. And crisis on Infinite Bang Bangs has started, by the way. So we're in the middle of a big crisis. Well, we're trying to reboot the continuity here because everything's gotten too complicated. Oh, this will work perfect. This will fit perfect.

So, yeah. Anyway, but head over to CBB World. We have everything over there. And, you know, we're going to close up the old plug bag. But as we do, here on the new episodes of every single year, Beny Chois, the elegant Mr. S. Is going to kick us off. We're going to sing a new song. Now, here's what happened.

I just have to close the bag. I got it. Here's what happens. 14 years or so ago, there was some sort of mix up. and you sang about opening the bag instead of closing the bag. I don't think so. We're stuck with songs

that are all about opening the bag when they should be about closing the bag. So will you please sing about closing the bag this year? Are you sure, by the way? And by the way, we can all join in on this and sweet chat, that includes you. I'll start it off and you guys join.

To close the bag. To close the bag, okay? And these are the ones that we're going to use, people use for remixes all year long, so I really want to nail it. I really want to make sure that it's all about closing the bag. You're putting pressure on me I got it. We're closing the bag.

It's that simple. It's the easiest thing in the world. Maybe the past 14 years I've gotten in your head. Maybe it's cold outside. I want to close the bag. Should we do that type thing? Sure. Yeah. Anything. Just make sure it's about closing the bag. Okay. Ready? I want to close the bag. Baby, step on in. I want to close it tight. You know the way to win. I want to close that bag. I want to make it right. So just close that bag. Close. Close. Close. Close. Close. Close. Close. Close. And then loosen the bag and let it open wide.

I'm just opening the bag. You got no place to hide. Put things in it because it's so open fast. And if you don't want that kiss, sweet chat's ass. That's how we again. Everybody sings. Open the bag with a wringling. And now you know.

Okay. I mean, it started off great, I have to say. We closed it, right? Started out all about closing up the bag. And then I got to admit at the end there, you switched it to opening up the bag. Well, did I rhyme? You did rhyme. Look, okay.

Look, look, you rhymed. Okay. Why am I getting upset? Yeah, I rhymed. And I think I closed it. And I'm pretty sure the song ended with Dr. Sweetchats saying malice. Which will make no sense if you play this for everything. I guess, but I mean, we're stuck with it.

You don't have to keep malice. You want to do another one? You want to do a variation here? Look, I gave Reggie Watts three opportunities to do the comedy bang bang theme, so, and he hit it on the third one. So you want to, you want to try another one? Why? I don't want to do another one.

No, this is just sweet chat. Oh, okay. But you know what, I'll do another one. Wait, just the end you want? Whatever you want to do. I shake do the whole thing over again. Fuck this. Hey, you don't get a vote.

All right, Jave. My vote is to do the whole thing over again. You've been lying since the minute you got here, Chave. No, I think it's the best move. How did it end? How did what end? What are we talking about? Malice.

Malice. No, but what was I singing so you could add a new thing? What? How did it sound of music end? What had it sound of music again? They got to Austria or wherever the fuck they were going. Everyone dies. In the Alps. Yeah, it was so long ago, of course they're dead.

Everyone can't die. No, they don't. Everyone dies. That's a fact. Everyone dies. And someday comes back. Give a new word at the end of it. Pretend it ended.

Da-la-da-da-la-bottle. No. No. Okay. We don't have time to do another one, okay? My vote is for one more. That's got to have to be good enough, Chave. You've added nothing to this program.

I wanted to jump, and it went too fast. Yeah, you wanted to be a guest on this, so you lied about everything. God. One more to this, not malice. Five, six, seven, eight. The edge. That's good, that's good. Edge.

All right. Well, guys, I want to thank you so much. What a wonderful treat for the new year. This has been an amazing... Benny, the fact that you not only have done this 14 years in a row, but 40 episodes. That's great to me. Thank you so much for taking the time. 40 episodes.

And you're doing less and less touring episodes this year, which means you'll have plenty of time to come back this year. So look forward To get that number to 80 Yeah look forward to that And when do you think you'll hang it up Is there a time you'll hang it up? Yeah I think you know relatively soon You think so?

You think within the next five years? Five yeah definitely March 2029 March 2029 Oh you know he knows He knows He knows because he's chat So three years and two months from now

You think? I'm calling it mail I'm funny I just gave Dave Portnoy 50 bucks on March 2020 So you think I'm going to stop two months before the 20th anniversary? What are you going to do for the 20th anniversary? I have no idea. It's so far away at this point.

Do you have an idea how to end it? Is there a thing to end it? Or is it just get all your friends on it? Well, we want to wrap up. Of course, that's why we're trying to simplify the continuity so we can actually have a satisfying end to the show. Cut to black? Yeah, someone fliving a light switch off. Oh, yeah, that's good. Do you have a guest for your last? one? No, this is so far away. I haven't even thought about it. Why, are you angling to be the guest on the last episode? Man, I'd be honored, but I don't think it's going to be me. I bet I'll be back. Was that the original title of the Shaggy song? Man, I'd be honored, but I don't think it's

going to be me. But you see me in the corner? And I'll be on it. Benny, thank you so much. Do you need me to do a little ending that you can add into the song? Yeah, go ahead. And when I say, open it up, I really mean open up. You gotta open it up. You gotta open it up. You're doing the F.A. and MBC thing. You're doing the FI.R and MBC thing. See you next week.

Thanks. Bye.