Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Crust Is Gutters, Undercarriage Is Grundle (Ben Schwarz, Ryan Gaul, Gil Ozeri)

Episode Date: January 5, 2026

We’re back for 2026, because at Comedy Bang! Bang! — we won’t quit. Comedian Ben Schwarz returns for his annual tradition of being on the first CBB episode of the year. He joins the 40 timer’s club, discusses not receiving Scott’s texts and sings the theme for the 2026 plug bag remixes. Then, first-time guest Chave Portnoy shares his entrepreneurial ideas in a grouchy yet laid back way. And Dr. Sweetchat the Small Talk Robot is back with many new modes! Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Oh, man, ma'am, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Comedy bang, bang, bang, comedy bang, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, come me see bang bang bang, come me see bang bang bang, come Oh, bang, bang into your mouth, you know you want to bang, bang into your mouth, you know you want to, everybody wants to listen to Scott, everybody wants a rock lobster. All right, let me do this. If you see something suspicious, say something suspicious, welcome to comedy. bang bang that's funny who said that that is non slick nick well done non slick nick thanks for that catchphrase suburb by the way we're only taking new catchphrase submissions these days i was stuck in a rut

only taking ones from january of three years ago for a while i'm now only taking new ones this a new one this is a newie so know that if you did it resubmit if you want to resubmit uh early and often and often now if you want to be taken a bang bang bang into your mouth you know you want to you know that when you hear those dulcid tones. You know who is here. Jamie Fox, baby. Post-stroke, Jamie Fox. Baby, don't say that. You're the post-stroke Jamie Fox. Don't say, Scott,

now you're linking me to your bad words. Ah, Jamie Fox in your mouth, Ray. Welcome to the show. My name is Scott Ackerman. We have a great show. Coming up a little later, we have an entrepreneur, and we also have a physician on the show. Are you kidding me? Because I have some doctor questions. Oh, you do? Okay, yeah. Is it a lot of medical issues for you? A couple, yeah. I've always said you're the

Post-stroke, Jamie Fox of comedy. You have to stop saying post-stroke. I love Jamie Fox. How dare. Welcome to the show. It's 2026. When you hear that voice, you know what is going on. He traditionally does the first episode of the year with us.

And he has, this is the 14th year in a row. No fucking way. That you have done it. How do you know? Because every year we don't know. I just counted. Because every year I think of it while we're talking. talking in this year I thought of it before.

This is the 14th year in a row, and you are entering the exclusive 40 timers club on comedy bang, bang, today. This is your 40th appearance on comedy bang, bang. How many people are there more than 10 people who have done it? Yeah. Oh, it doesn't seem that excuse me. More than 20?

Can't be. But I bet there's no one who's exactly 40 like you. Okay, so I'll stop here. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Deal. A living color.

How many, Jamie Fox News is going? A baby driver. now you do one go let's see how many we can do Kevin Spacey that's a different actor in Baby Driver I'm saying Jamie Fox Films Oh Jamie Fox Films Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Collateral Huh Ali Oh yeah he played the He's the corner man Yeah the corner man Good yeah exactly I wasn't sure if you thought

You know his voice You know him from Parks and Ray Can I stop you for a second Yep Because I would tell you I would love that actually I would love to You know what I would love to sit here

and not talk. Great. Okay. So I'm going to, because for 14 years, plus, I'm assuming many times, we, before we did this, it was probably a few years before that, that we started this, because we were in the radio station when I did my first one. So it's definitely a far, long time. You've done the show 40 times.

Is that what you're asking? No, no, no. The year I started is what I really want to know. No, you, the earliest episode that you ever did was episode number 29. Whoa, that's crazy. What year? In 2009, 29 and 09. Wow.

So 16 years we've been doing this. Uh, yes. Okay. 17. This is what I'm going to say. Uh, oh, 19. 16 years. Oh, 276.

Of course. Right. Right. Right. Of course. Um, so for those 17 years, you've almost always gotten my credits wrong. And I want to stop you before you say it. So this day it's really easy for you.

House of Pyes. Nope. Okay. Push through. No. I was going to give you a... You know him from House of Pyes. No, House of Lies.

Literally, I was going to say so you wouldn't make a mistake. You know him from Bonick the Hedgehog. You know him from Spark. and procreation parks and recreation and you know them from these really odd commercials that have been on recently

where it looks like the entire thing has been redubed later in post is that they weren't redubbed the fireball ones yeah no they weren't redubbed that's live audio that's the day baby

I swear to God they looked entirely entirely ADR five commercials in one day four commercials in one day that's an incredible achievement congratulations I like them do you see the Isaac Newton one

I have not I'll keep my eyes peeled for that Thank you I appreciate it You know him as the elegant Mr. S You know him as Benny You know him as Benny Schwa Please welcome back to the show For the 40th time Ben Schwartz

Thank you so much Can I tell you that I still get Benny Schwa When I walk around I still get Benny Schwa I love that Never, it can't stop Hollywood's good boy Jack Quaid gets Hollywood's Good Boy a lot

Oh that's funny Have we been on the same show for me And Hollywood's Good Boy? The two of you should You have very similar energies I want to see who could out good boy. I've often thought that you're both the post-stroke Jamie Fox of comedy. Let that be Jack Quaid's thing.

Don't put that on me. Now, already he doesn't want us, as heard on this last Friday's episode of Scott hasn't seen, he doesn't want to be known as Hollywood's other dumb shit. Jack Quaid. Oh, really? Yeah, no, please no one call him that when you see him. Okay, so we just call him Hollywood Good Boy. Hollywood's Good Boy is what he's known as, and he enjoys that.

Elegant Mr. S. I get and Benny Schwa. I get Benny, and Benny, uh, which is the sound that the Schwa. makes of course exactly um well what does the fox say Jamie Fox what does post stroke Jamie Fox say no no do you know that's what does the Fox say have you have them on the show yet uh who did that song I I knew for a while because Kevin

Spacey I thought it was Kevin Spacey too and one of his like We gotta erase all this what does the what does Jamie Fox say Wanda Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding oh yes Wanda he of course was He played Wanda Yeah. So he wouldn't have said Wanda. Well, maybe if he was talking about himself.

Hey, who's here? Who's here? Wanda. Do you know what I mean? Uh-huh. Yeah. Hotel Wanda? Is that something? No, that's Don Cheadle. You got to stop. No, I'm just saying that would be a great parody of Hotel Rwanda. So you're going to this hotel. You want Wanda from a living color to play the Don Chirot in Hotel Rwanda. No, no, no. I want. Very dramatic.

I want Wanda to go to that hotel and Don Cheadle, like, is it the bellman? What was he the bellman in that? I think he probably ran that. He must have, right? Okay. What? Sure. I don't remember. I saw it a long time ago.

Great movie. Great movie? When I did House of Lies. Yes. Not House of Wanda. House of Lies. With John Cheeto himself. Sorry, I was saying the great character was Cheetos.

You said Wanda, which is also a great character. I couldn't watch Holtow Rwanda before we filmed. I'd seen it a while ago and I was like, oh, I want to watch something with because he's so good in it that it would make me intimidated to act. To work with him. It's like how I can't watch some of the Bob and David sketches before I come and do comedy bang bang. That's right.

because you was a cop it's too much because i was yeah me is the cop is that what you said yeah you played a cop right i'm sure i did yeah i had to have right yeah i think so that's i have cop energy you have good cop you got that bd i good cop energy not bad cop big bc e bcee big cop energy bcee what does that stand for normally big cop and uh black cock enter oh come on oh it is verified the common era bcee oh sorry so what does bbccc mean Oh, I wonder. What is a BBL? BBL is...

Have you ever tried to put a BBC in a BBL? It's not this kind of show. It's not this kind of show. Jamie Fox. In your mouth. Welcome back to the show. I'm so thrilled to be here. This is the only episode I'm doing...

I only did one episode to that I think? No. No, we did... Well, I did want to bring this up. Oh, no. So... We got to do a solo Bolo and your Bolo. I wanted to bring this up.

So we did a solo Bolo Ho-Ho. holo. Last year? In late 24. Oh, so we missed a year. So we, well, what we did was, and by the way, it was eligible for this year's best of voting. We, of course, did the best ofs last week and the week before.

And we said that if it got number one, we'll stop doing it forever. We'll stop doing them forever. There's no way. I'm here to tell you, Ben. There's no way. No, I guarantee it didn't. There's no way. Nobody would do a bit that hard to make us stop. It did not even reach the best of us.

did our first episode usually our first episode gets in the top 10 our first one did yeah yeah our first one a long time ago when it was fresh and new and now people are just like you know what i'm not even going to commit to this bit the first of the year the first of the year oh top 10 make it a reveal make it a big reveal did our first episode of the year me bobby and ryan get to the top 10 it did not even reach the top 60 oh my god i'm slipping that's okay maybe this one will for next year um but with that It means we have to go back and do another solo bolo. We do.

And also, Sonic comes out next year. Next year, in 27? Yeah. Oh, really? That long? What's going on with Sonic? What's he up to? Right now?

Of course, we know about Knuckles and he had many adventures, didn't you? Of course. Yeah, Knuckles, tails. Well, Amy Rose has been introduced for this new movie. I don't know what that is. Amy Rose is a pink hedgehog. She's an incredible character. Sounds sexy as hell.

I wouldn't say sexy as hell. I mean, she's cute, I guess. Describe her. Describe her butt. Just like sexy as hell. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're trapping me, you're trapping me, you're trapping me, you're trapper, okay, good. She's like, no nonsense.

She's very, like, she has a peeka, pika hammer, has not been cast yet. She has a peeka, pika. Do you have a shot? Oh, give me your audition. You don't even know what the characters. Okay, I'll be Sonic. You be Amy Rose. All right, here, Amy, what are you doing here?

Hi, there, big boy. What's going on with you? I'm Lisa Rose. Amy Rose. Okay, sure, I'm going to change my name right now. That sounds so great, Amy Rose. Amy, where are you from? I'm from all over the place, directly in this very center of this great

country of Oz So like you're in the Midwest or where? No, that implies that I am West. I'm in the, I'm directly in the center. What state? What state? East West. What state? North, South. All of them, all of them right in between. What are your special powers? Oh, well, okay.

Like me, I can run really fast. You can run really fast. Tail can fly, tails can fly. Knuckles has strong strength. I fly really slowly and I don't burrow under the ground and I get to the center of the earth. Like a mole? Like a mole? And then I say hello to Satan who's right there in the center of the earth. So your friends was saying?

I mean, he's an acquaintance, certainly. We have lunch. Okay, so I'll send it to Toby and Jeff. I would love that. I don't know who Toby and Jeff are. I don't want to know. Jeff's the director. No, I don't, I do not care.

Neil has produced a billion movies. I hate them. I don't want to know. You're not helping your chance of getting this role. There's got to be other roles. I don't want to know about them. Just send it to whoever. I don't give a shit anymore.

Jesus Christ. All right, man. Anyway, Sonic 4 comes out. In 2027? What month? Oh, great question. It's already locked. I don't know.

We'll find out. It's what's locked about it. You said the one role wasn't cast. The date. The date is locked. Shit, the date is locked. Oh, I found out why this is screwy. Okay, could you fix it?

We're talking about the microphone right now. Ben has been fiddling with the microphone. Well, it's just, look, it's just, come on, man. I know, I know. I don't have the, I don't have the right tools for this. It's a screwdriver, my man. I know, but how do you take all that apart? It's just too much work.

It's already too much work. Too much work. Anyway, speaking in too much work. Oh, I don't know. You just undo this. Ben Schwartz is here, and he's getting too much work. He's in five commercials in one day. All right, take down notch.

What we are very excited about is one notch. Dude. Maybe on Broadway when this comes out, doing all out, Simon Rich's play. Oh, that's right. There's some great people doing that. It's a rotating cast, right? Who are you doing it with? I'm doing it with, come on, Ben, you got this.

Abby Jacobson, Jim Gaffigan, Eric Andre. And then I'm doing it with Wayne Brady, Jim Gaffigan, and Cessaly, strong. Amazing cast. Two weeks of beautiful shows. I'll be going out there on a different week to see a different person. Oh, you're not going to see me? Well, I'm not going to make two trips. I'm there from December 22nd to January 4th. You think you're going to be there for that?

I will not. By the way, January 4th was yesterday. Yesterday. You have already you're plugging something that you've already done. Hey, I just want to say I had a great time on this thing. It's really, really fun. Those two casts were amazing. life was such a silly game to play you said silver game to play I said oh silver would be good though

but I want to say life would be good if it was silver do you agree oh you just did the trump fingers do you agree I do I do I do agree life we love life don't we folks to life to life here we go La Chayam La Chayam to life but you gotta come on Scott hasn't seen do Fiddler on the roof I haven't seen You fucking anti-Semite why do you think that I know everything about Philips You just start singing it at ten i started hebrew school at twelve i learned a trade tradition tradition peepid lily did did it trotted sunrise sunset sunrise sunset i'm wasting all my days watching this fucking thing hey come on man save for the day that's right we got to do this

we got to do what it's god hasn't seen I'm not wasting my scot and hasn't seen on Fiddler. Wait, well, what do you? At one point, you said you wanted to do, uh, wipe, you can't jump. Someone else said it. No, no one's done it. I've been saving it for you. What's another Fiddler song?

There's got to be one more. What if it was only those? We did tradition. Dancing around. If I were a rich man. Yeah. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-lal-lal-a-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-a-bond. Do you think he ever became rich?

If I were a wealthy. What? Do you think he ever got there? You think he ever, like, made a million? Well, I think what we learn is that being rich in family and being rich in love is probably, sorry. Hey, you wouldn't have to work hard? If you could have both? Huh.

Wouldn't that be great? Do you think you're rich in either? In honor? In either? In honor? Do you think you're rich, your honor? You are under oath, by the way. By the way, every comedy, bang, bang, guest is under oath.

That's why people get upset sometimes. That's why people reveal the things they reveal on this show sometimes. You have to. Have you ever been to court? Yes. When I was, I was Pilt as a, I was picked as a jury member when I was very young. How young were you? Like three? Three years old. Right out of the womb.

And then, was this like another three year old was on trial? Another three year old was up. A jury of his peers. Yeah. Three year old was on trial. He was in a white four bronco. He was driving down. This was a little old day? Old Jay. This is a little old Jay.

This is little old Jay? This is little old Jay. Little old J. Little old J, little old J, little old J, little old J to me. So he's just a little old J. And a little A.C. was there driving him around. No, little old A.C. No, little old A.C.

Little old A. Little old A. We do have fun. We do. And then... And the Nick game was on. Remember that? The Nick game was on. A huge playoff game when that OJ thing happened. I was waiting tables at Olive Garden when that happened.

Really? Yes. Can you tell me what it means to have Endless Brent Six? It means how... And this breadsticks? How often did someone have to... What is the most breadsticks? Every order when you were there?

Probably three baskets. Oh, so that's not like insane. And there's probably six per basket, so 18 breadsticks. That's a lot of breadsticks. For how many people? Table? Probably two. So what is usually...

People just usually do one basket or two. I would say... Two, two. In my experience, two. People would always go, can I get a... I would say 60% of the people would go, can we get more breadsticks? You ever stick one of those breadsticks up your asshole?

Endlessly. That's what it means. no um i wouldn't have to stick hard he's gonna cough he's coughing oh but he shut off his mic you can only hear off yeah sorry um do you know who sing this song from a distance the world do you remember that i sort of do what is that from from a distance i think it's from beaches

oh i've never seen me do you want to do beaches for scott as and scene stop stop pushing movies on scott ice i literally four or five years ago you said you were going to do the show and you've never done i think i said i don't want to do it anymore but you want me to do it yeah i want you to do it You said white man can't jump right now. But you want to watch a movie right now? Can I tell you what movie I want to do?

I want to do the Apple screen saver of buildings in New York City. Let's do a movie. Here we go. Ready? Okay. We're turning it up. Bam, bum, boom, boom. Bam, bum, boom.

Sorry, that's my phone. My ringer's on. Oh, that's your ringer. Yeah. Sorry. Okay. Okay. Let's start the movie.

Disney. Okay. What a strange title card for Disney now. Hey, man, don't yell at me. Just a guy. saying Disney. We're watching Song of the South.

Uh-oh. Wait, what is this? Why are you turning around? Someone else in the table was turned around as if we were really watching. As if we were really watching something and like wrapped in attention. We wouldn't watch that.

We can't watch that. Of course, that's in the Disney vault. You ever been to the Disney vault? I have. You know, Mickey's there? Mickey's in there. Well, Steamboat Willie is there. Because Mickey's out of the park.

He's public domain now. Steamboat Willie. I know. Do you want to do something with them? Yeah, let's chill with them. He's allowed to hang out now. You know, you do these Sonic movies, do a Steamboat Willie movie. I bet we could not do that, right?

Yeah, sure we could. He would have to look exactly like Steve-Bow-Wood. What else is in the public domain that we could play with? Peter Pan, Superman? Peter Pan, Superman? Peter Pan Superman? Yeah. So he can fly.

He flies twice. I could really fly. I could really fly, you really fly. That makes sense. Look, it's a bird, it's a plane. It's a Peter Pan Superman. Oh, which comic book hero? would you want to play as an actor?

As an actor? They allowed you to have DC Marvel, yes, you're a big comic book person. They allowing you to portray it, and you don't have to be your age right now. It could be any age in your life. Oh, I could be young. Yes. So that would change my answer. So who would you be?

Real answer, real answer, because I know you're going to name like a child. Probably old man, Superman when he's like 90 years old. So you'd be an older version. In Krypton years, of course. Okay. So everyone's dead. Lois Elaine has passed on many, many years ago. You're just chilling on a barren earth

I don't think I've read that It's been blown up by By nuclear war Really? Yeah Why not? I was going to say Spider-Man You said old man

Oh, you want to play Spider-Man? I would have loved to If I was young enough How old are you now? 44 years young 44 years young You think you still play a high schooler? No, I said if I could remember any age

No, I'm just wondering Do you? No, I bet I could play If called, would you serve? If called, I could probably play a seven-year-old. I could play a seven-year-old. In a Ben-platt kind of situation Oh, and when Ben Platt did...

I want to say forgetting Sarah Marshall, but it's not. No, no, no, no. What is it? Dear Evan Hanson, that's it. Dear Sarah Marshall, have you met Evan Hanson? What about Irishman? Irishman, they were like 75 playing 12-year-olds. Yeah, and they're all walking around like old men, like not wanting to bend over.

And they have young faces, yeah. Have you ever had De Niro on the podcast? Hey, who you talk to? You the guy? Hey, comedy bang, bang, this? Hey, Bob, what's going on, man? How are you? I don't see.

What else standing here? You must be talking to me. Very cool, man. So what's your new project coming out? I just hate Trump, but that's it. Oh, cool, dude. Well, it's really nice to meet you. Okay, bye.

Scott, do you see who was just here? Who was here? Bobby Dee. Bobby Dee was on the show and I missed it? Yeah. Oh, my God. He's doing his new Trump stuff. Oh, that's so cool.

From Cape Fear, right? From Cape Fear, right? From Cape Fear. I love Cape Fear. And he was jacked for like a good five years. Put your dick down. Thump. Jesus Christ.

You got an eel in your pocket. What else is going on with you, Ben? One eel in my pocket And the other one is jerking it off fast Oh dear, come on, it's not this kind of show I don't know, you start it like that What else are you doing, Ben? What else is going on in your life?

Early a show, we're going to do the earliest show That's right, I saw this the other day, I was so excited You and Lauren Lackis It was very cool you for not texting Two of your good friends are on the show When's the last time you ever texted me? I texted Lauren Oh, when something good happens to you, I always text

I just had been a while I got one day Let's see who texted who texted who last That would be good I mean, other than the text about doing this episode. Fine. Okay. Let's see exactly.

I still have your picture. Who do we get for Wednesday? Hold up. Yeah, all this kind of stuff about. Any chance your schedule? I'm out of town. Is there any pay? No.

No scheduling things. What's the last, like, real text between us? You texted me and Andrew Lloyd Weber Instagram. There you go. That's me. And by the way, then I texted it to Paul of Tompkins. And Paul texted me after he said, well, Scott already said this to me. I go, I send it to Scott.

after I sent it to you. By the way, I'm the last. That means you did it so quick that he or he just read your text before mine. By the way, I am the one who texted you last because I put two exclamation points on the, my man. God, I love it. Okay, before that. Who cares? It's you.

Let's go through all of our texts. It's you, but I don't know quite what it is. I don't know if it's something we can talk about it on air. Let's see. Pizza ring. Blah, blah, blah. I can't say that. Can't say that.

This is all private stuff. stuff. Like, uh, yeah, this is a bad idea for a segment, um, going through text of a person who doesn't want any of his private information out there. Both of us are pretty fucking private to be like, yeah, let's talk. Two real friends. Let's see we're talking about. I probably shouldn't talk about that. Yeah, I can't talk about that. I can't talk about that. She's talk about Hollywood business. Let's talk about Hollywood. Early show is earliest show. Don't ruin this one. Not when I need people to do. The morning show. Earlyest show is coming back. Earlyest show is coming back. Jen Anniston and Reese Witherspoon are back, baby. That's the morning show. Earlyest show is my show.

Witherspoon goes to Belarus, it is in a gulag. Is that true? Yes. What's a gulag? It's like a bad prison. Sorry, I thought you were going to say, what's a gulag with you? Oh, what's a gulag with you, my good man? You've earned it.

You got to text me about whatever bits you want to do, by the way. Of course, course, it's my fault. We're going to start that next year, or either around this time or a little bit later in the year. I don't know. I don't care. Okay. The early morning show. I'm writing, directing, acting, producing, every episode.

You shouldn't do at least one of those. Which one should I drop? Whatever one you want me to drop, I'll do it right now. Acting. Shit. Who should I get to take my place? You're looking at him, baby. My man, is that the role you want it?

Is that the Marvel superhero you want to play? Yeah, I would love to play you in the earliest show. Okay, great. Is that his name? Yeah, Josh Bath. Give me a little Josh Bath. Go. To be honest, I haven't seen it.

You've never seen the early show. But I congratulated Lord when the big did you? I did. You didn't say anything to me. Well, it's my goddamn show! I have to tell you why. You don't like me. No.

because we were in the middle of texting about doing this show and you were not responding to even those. So I was like, what am I going to text them about? Congratulations. I always text you back. No, you did not. Let's check. You want to go through this?

Yeah, let's see how long it took me text back. Because I'm usually really good at that. I see the Oscar or, wait, when did you ask? I said, okay, this person is in, this person is out of town. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. Look at these. Hold up.

I have the same phone, dude. This person has gone. Anyone you want me to reach out to? Nothing. I'm thinking 14 or 17. No, no, all the way down. All the way down. All the way down.

Last page. Did you not receive these? Were you gone or something? Yes, I didn't get any of those. That's why they're green, you piece of shit. What do you mean? Green means go. What are you talking about?

None of those. Well, this is your fault for not receiving them. By the way, did you think it wasn't responding to you and you're upset? Yes. Let me see. They're green. What do you think that means, Beesh? It means that you got them. My man, I didn't get either one of those. Okay. Well, that, I guess that explains. So, congratulate me.

Congratulations on the earliest show. Thanks, man. I'm really excited for it. Can I be on it? Yeah, I can try to figure out a way. I can't promise you. Figure out a way? Just put me in a part. Like, that's one way to do it. What? What other like, Ruth Goldberg way that you... Audition, audition, audition. Hi. Oh, it's so early. no no no no no no who the fuck cares man

Jesus Christ a lot of people want to be on this show Give a real audition A lot of people want to be on this show A lot of people want to be in the show Okay be an audit or a bus driver Just be a bus driver A normal bus driver that has nothing wrong with them

Just be a bus driver Hey exact Fair please exact change Exact fair is something that people say I'll give you something easier Okay You're a barber You're a barber

Exact hair please What does that mean Exact hair please I want to get your hair exactly right Is what I'm trying to say I'm really trying to fill this show up With a bunch of fun people And cameo

You're having barbers on this show And bus drivers? Maybe my character gets his haircut At a barbershop What do you mean? I'm not gonna watch that episode Let me just tell you I want to see these characters

Whoever they are Were you really upset That I wasn't responding? Yeah, it was Do you realize that I have a little bit of like I have a little bit of compulsion Where I always respond very quickly

Do you really? I love to respond I've noticed that about that I respond very quickly Yeah Okay no I was Unless I'm busy Unless I'm busy

And then I take days Unless you're busy. Then it take days. Okay. How do I take days? Why don't you next time respond and say, hey, I'm busy, but I'll respond later? You know what I'll do? This will help.

Anytime there's been a couple hours where we don't talk, I'll text me like, hey, just make sure you didn't text me and didn't get it. Did you get home all right? Just every night, ask me that. Both of those are green. The only time, they're both green. You must have had an idea. No, I have no idea. Green means good.

Yeah. Red should mean there's a problem. Shouldn't it? Like, I don't understand this. Oh, geez. Jesus Christ. Sorry, there's a horse in here. All right.

Are we out of gas for this segment? No, I can do this forever. I haven't been here for a whole year. What else you got? I can do whatever you want. I just, we've got to save time for the other people. Yeah, we do. Because I heard you have two.

You have a doctor and then you have a business. We have a physician. We also have an entrepreneur, yeah. So this is a very exciting show, Ben. All right. We're going to take a break. All right. When we come back, we're going to talk to the entrepreneur.

And then a little late. I saw Hamilton again when Leslie Odom Jr. was in it. That's so fun. The night that we went together. he was not in it. He was not in it then. That's right. We saw the understudy.

Oh, that's true. He was very good. He was very good. Then I complimented him. Was it Josh Henry? I don't remember who it was, but I complimented him and he shrugged it off like, yeah, I know that I'm not Leslie Odom. And I was like, no, you were great. Who was it?

I don't remember who it was, but he was great. Great day. We didn't even know that we're going to be at that show. We just saw each other. We sat next to each other. It was great. Without knowing. The same, the person gave us both tickets and we didn't know that we were sitting next to each other.

Unbelievable. An incredible Hollywood story. It was a great... I was like... Is that... Are you... Are you Ben Schwartz? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were already very good friends, so pissed me off. They didn't know I was. Yeah, that's right. Anyway, we're going to take a break. When we come back... Anyway, the Hamilton thing was really good. It was really good.

Okay. He was amazing. I'm so glad. And the whole new cast is great. Take us out with a little bit of Hamilton if you want. Sure, which time you want. Probably if I was a Richmond. If I was a Hamilton...

Yeah, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I'd shoot Burr right in his little face. Is that what happens? Spoilers. Shit, you don't know that. Spoilers for American history. Burr actually shoots Hamilton. Oh, cool.

You didn't, did you watch the musical we were there? Not really. What do you think happens in Hamilton? I mean, they're rapping about politics for such a long time. To be honest, I tune out of me. I loved it. Anyway, we're going to take a break. We're going to come right back with a little more of the elegant Mr. S.

We're going to have an entrepreneur. We're going to have a physician. We'll be right back with more comedy. Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang, Bang. We're back. Benny Schwah is here. We're back, Benny.

I'm excited to meet these guests. What have people stopped saying baby and they said Benny instead? I love that. You know, like, oh, I had a little Benny the other day. Oh, you mean, talking about an accident baby. You know how people announce they announced they have babies? Oh, I had a little baby the other day. All right, right.

What's your Benny reveal? Your gender Benny reveal. We call those jennies. Jennies. What's the Jenny of your Benny? What's your Jenny, everybody? We have to get to our next guest. I can't wait.

Which one is coming up first? The entrepreneur is coming. And by the way, we are having entrepreneurs back on the show. We had a moratorium on them for a little while because everyone was an entrepreneur. So we only had small business owners on, and now we have started having entrepreneurs back on comedy bang bang. Let's welcome him. Please welcome first time on the show, Chave Portnoy. Yeah, thanks for having me on.

Hey, Chave. Hey, Chave. Hey, nice to me. I'm in a bad moment ago earlier this morning. And then, um, wait, you got a, what way you talk is bad? I get up early this morning. You, you gave up early this morning? Well, I should have given up early this morning and just called it a day.

But I didn't. I got up early this morning and I'm, um, I'm rocking a little bit now, but I'm hungry. Hungry like hell. I guess, you know, when we said, how are you? I really didn't need a blow by blow. Well, don't ask. Don't ask if you don't want to know. Okay.

I'll keep that in mind. I will. A lot of people just say like, hey, how are I like, where you're from? You sound like you from Massachusetts? Uh, yeah. Born in. Dorchester, Massachusetts. Oh, Dorchester.

I've been in Dorchester. All right. Great move, man. Hey, man, are you upset at us for some reason? No, I told you, I'm a little grumpy. About what? I just have I'm tired. I had the COVID vaccine.

Oh, shit. Oh, you just had COVID vaccine. I had, no. I had COVID last week and then I had a vaccine. Doesn't do anything. If you have COVID, you're not supposed to get the vaccine. You should wait for a little bit of that. It was the flu vaccine.

Oh, sorry. Sorry. Are you upset enough? A little more of fucking specific. You guys want a pillow so you can relax? What? Jesus Christ. What are you talking about?

Chave, chave, chave. No, I'm sorry, I'm correct. You're coming after all right. It's okay. Actually, this is a good, I'm in a good mood. This is a good mood right now. Okay, chavim. I'm fine, yeah.

Is chaveeve short for something or? Chavid. Chavid. Chavid. Chavid. Chavid, Chavid. Chavit. Chavidportnois is my Catholic given name. What was, so he said you're an entrepreneur. I'm part of an entrepreneur.

family. You're part of an entrepreneur. I'm part of the bar stool sports family. Oh, Barstool. David Portnoy. David is my younger brother. Oh, okay.

Oh, wow. I didn't know that. He's the one who gets all that. He gets, everybody's like, it loves him. One bite, everybody knows the rules?

Yeah, I do my own version of that. Can we hear it? What is it? Two bites. Everybody knows the rules. So same is that thing. It's better, though. I don't know what either of these things are.

So one bite everybody knows there. David Portnoy works for Barstool sports and he, Oh, you tell him. You tell him. Oh, sorry. You know him better. Dave, you go.

Sorry. I don't know him better. I'm sorry. Go. No, it's my brother. He owns Barstool Sports. It's, you know, a publication and now a website. A publication and a website?

Well, it used to be. Hey, man, you got to calm down. Scott is not doing anything wrong. No, I'm fine. I'm sorry. All I heard about this barstool sports, it's a collection of misogynets who do what? Thank you. No.

Yeah, well, we're not massaged. We happen to be a bunch of white guys. That's what you're asking. Hey, it's a podcast. I'd expect nothing less. All right, so what do you do? Two bites everybody knows the rules. Two bites.

What is one bite every way? He does pizza reviews and on his pizza reviews, he gets a whole pie. He gets a whole pie and he rates them. He says, one bite every knows the rules. And he takes a series of bites. Pizza is called a pie. He knows what a pizza is. I know what a pizza is.

Yeah, but stop calling it pizza. It's square. It has no cheese. It can be square and it can have no cheese. Everybody thinks it's easy. I do. one bite. I do two bites. Everybody knows the rules. Everybody knows the rules? Everybody knows the rules. That's the rule. Two bites and then you rate it. It's a little bit hard for him to explain his thing when you don't know the original thing. I don't care about the original thing. You got to know the original thing. Yeah, it's just one bite. He's going to take one bite of pizza and then he's going to rate the pizza. But the bit is, he says one bite. Eat the whole thing. Well, he eats many different bites. He just says one bite. God, can you imagine listening to this? I mean this conversation. I understand. fucking Chave is here.

I don't know what the hell he wants. No, I didn't get, I didn't come here on purpose. So pretend I'm a pizza guy and I come out and I give you a pie. Tell me what you do. Tell me what your review is. All right. All right. Here, I'll go, hey, how are you doing?

How are you? I'm fine. Are you? Is this a pain the ass for you to be here? Sorry, I'm just here's your pie, sir. No. Can you open it up? I'm trying to look at it.

You want me to open it up? Yeah, we're imagining this right now, right? I got to look at it. Okay. The box or the pizza? Okay, it looks pretty good. It looks like you're classic bar pie. Take a slice here.

It's pretty hot. Cheese, you just, you cooked this today? We just cooked it, sir, yeah. Okay. Don't call me, sir, we're just pals. You guys are friends? I don't know this, man. We know each other from years back.

What? You know each other? In this pretend scenario? Why not? We can do anything we wanted to pretend? Fine, yes, we're friends. We were friends in high school. Okay, obviously not great friends.

The way you're talking. Just tell me what we are, so we don't have to talk about anymore. Were we friends? We're like, brothers. Well, not by blood, but we're like brothers. We're really close. Really close. Like the band of brothers?

Like I was at your wedding. Then why didn't you try my pizza before? Why is this the first time you tried my pizza? Because you opened the store yesterday. You opened the store yesterday. Fine. Sorry. Okay. Hey, and you went on vacation.

Hey, what's going on? You went on vacation? I went on vacation, I guess, in this scenario. Yeah. Hey, man, I'm sorry. Hey, man, thank you so much. Your wedding was amazing. Thank you for coming, by the way.

Of course, you got to hear. I opened up the shop this yesterday. I had to return the silverware. That I got you? It didn't fit in the kitchen. The situation is just here for you to rate the goddamn pizza, Chave, okay? Okay, all right. Okay.

I was trying to fill it. You don't get a coloring book and use one color. Does Improv normally have a giant pause in the middle of it? You didn't see what? We were helping each other tie each other's shoes. Okay, okay, sorry. I didn't see that. I wasn't looking under the day.

We're brothers. Shave, we're brothers. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Brothers in arms. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to return your... Remember your speech at my wedding? Do you really want me to do it now?

Just do the end. And that's why Chaves got the biggest heart I've ever seen. Makes me cry. Yeah. Every time. In this scenario. All right, I'll try it. Okay, well, you try the pizza.

Sorry, we just opened up yesterday. Is it okay if you try? It's good. Nice little grundle. Undercarriage. Nobody says grundle. Your brother says undercarriage, I think. You feel the little gutters, cheese gutters.

The crust? It's a little stuff. Crusts got us. and wait wait wait grundle is the undercarriage and cheese gutters I'm not gonna copy my brother

oh okay it's just your brother's not your brother's not copying people that's what people call it like the cheese on the pizza the crust on the pizza that's what people call it

right that's like yeah the general the general accepted terms the general the general lobby general salami general salami

no you gotta come up with your own stuff all right so keep going what do you call the cheese are you ever going to eat the cheese is painting the painting the cheese is the painting

crusts it's gutus undercarriage as grundal it's tomato sauce what do you mean that's the water that's the water okay so painting water yeah okay uh two bite hey two bite and this is where I would do this all right two bites everybody knows the rules first bite um oh oh yeah

oh oh that's bite number one I can't hear you take another. He said that's right number one. The first one was already disgusting enough to listen to. You're going to take another one? And I heard he gets even more disgusting. Ew.

Oh, Jesus Christ. What's going on with this pizza? Still a rapper of that. That's the hardest most crisp pizza I've ever. I guess that's a little overdone. Got us a little overdone. A little over, yeah. Overdone.

I like that, though. Everybody knows I like that. That's Al Dennell. is hell on my side i liked that yeah all right all right are you going to rate this first bite first bite was not great yeah second bite is harder harder and i did like that i did like that a lot it was harder what pizza gets harder as it ages scale of one oh the best best pizza well you got to cook it you cook a pizza very carefully to get the gut is hard and the grondola just give it the rating just give us the rating it sounds like you're talking about 24 out of out of it doesn't matter

it does matter is that is that a full jack bower or what are we talking about yeah is that one full jack power no that's a 24 it's a seven days a week 24 hours a day this is 24 hours okay so it's only one out of seven is that what you're trying to say it depends what day it is okay so if you had a better pizza what would you rate that if i had a better pizza if you had a better pizza what would that rating be 224s oh so 24 is like 24 is like a star like one star depends which day it depends which day so So 2.24 is starting on a Friday? Well, that's a Sunday. That's a great rating. Okay, great. Let's do the same day.

So this is a 24. What day is it starting on? Sunday? This is 24 on a Wednesday afternoon. Okay. So let's say you had a better pizza. Would it be 224s on Wednesday afternoon? Tell me. You're getting in my head. What do you talk? I just want to know your rating says. Let's get it out of your head and into this mic. It's more organic than that, you guys.

Okay, so try this much realistic. All right. God. Why did you get mozzarella sticks, too? We should have those first. You don't have an appetizer. That's like having dessert. Because that was your best friend at your wedding. You had mozzarella sticks. How about that? Does that work? God, that's crunchy. By the way,

everything you get from a pizza place tastes pretty much the same, right? Mastorella sticks is just pizza and stick form, you know? It's like having... That's true, by the way. It's like having chocolate for dinner and then going, oh, I want dessert. By the way, that fried cheese and then you dip it in tomato sauce. Yeah, that's good. You've never thought of this?

This is blowing your mind. Where do we get that? We got like incredible chicken palm heroes with mozzarella sticks. Where was that? You and I? No. Oh, another person? Me and the ghost of the room.

Who knows? Who knows at this point? Thanksgiving, he's saying. All right, keep going. Half 24. Do you guys spend Thanksgiving together? Half a 24 on a Friday. Chicken Parm? Half 24 on a Friday.

Half 24 on a Friday. All right, man. I don't know what to tell you. I don't have to tell me anything. Now, do you review, where do you put it out these? Can I be myself? be Ben again, or am I still your best, your brother? You can do whatever you want.

Okay, I want to be myself if that's okay. Okay, that's fine. Okay. So where do you put out these reviews? I'll put them out online. I'll do it on. I'm trying to get my brother to let me put it out on Barstool Sports. So you're not affiliated with Barstool Sports at all.

I get, I don't technically work for them, but I get a allowance. You have like a stipend every week just for. Allowance. Okay, I was trying to class it up, I guess. Okay, but you get an allowance from your. Why are you classing enough? You get an allowance from your brother. I'm not classy enough.

What are the conditions of this allowance? What do you have to do? I don't have to do anything. You have to do chores? No, he says all I have to do is do, find something to do is what he says. That's good. And he says it like this, find something to do. Yeah, how much money were we talking every million dollars a week?

That's so much money. It's $52 million a year. No, that's $365 million a year. No, he said $5 a week. A million dollars. Fifty-two weeks in the year. Yeah, 52 million. Jesus, God.

How many weeks are in this year, though? What? I thought there is 365. Oh, no, it's okay. You're right. It's 52. That's still a lot of money, 52 million. That's not as much.

Really? Yeah. God. That's not good. How much did you get? $360 a million a day, I think would be good. Really? A million dollars a day?

I get asked for it, but he's... What do you do with your money? You are wearing tattered rags. Yeah. I'll spend it on a crazy shit. Like, what? tell us uh just like a bunch of boxes i'll go to how many boxes can you get for a million dollars a day too many eight on my my wife is uh mad at the amount of boxes you're married

that's the biggest revelation i think out of all of it well i'm married why is that a revelation i guess he's getting you don't think that i'm marriage material i i don't you're rich you get 52 million dollars immediately she you think she married she me for my money. I don't know. How big is your hog? My penis? No, your hog. The pig you have at home. You've shown us pictures of it this entire time. The first thing you did, we show us pictures of your hog.

He's 400 pounds. He'll eat anything, by the way. That's a fun game to play. I take my four kids out back and we say... You just put stuff in front of him? We'll put anything. Which he will eat boxes. Well, the name of your kids. Really quick. Go. Carol, Danny. Svenson,

and Carolyn. Oh, Carol and Carolyn? Cool. Why'd you make me do that fast? It's rude. That's rude. What are you guys doing for Thanksgiving? Of in 11 months?

We'll probably go to a friend's house, eat some things. Yeah, let's do some chicken parm. Yeah. What are you doing Thanksgiving? What about Easter? In 11 months? Yeah, 11 months. I don't like to plan that far ahead.

We should. You got a plan ahead. You and I at Disneyland would be a fun thing. That would be so fun. Yeah, I think so. We were, uh... And no one else. Just you and me.

I would, I would do it. I'd take it my wife. None of our, none of our loved ones. No. I would just do you and me. I know you don't have loved ones. My wife, my wife wants me to take her out for Valentine's Day.

But your wife... Well, then do it. Carolyn. Carolyn is your wife's in her husband? That's fine. No. Did you marry your kid? It doesn't matter.

It does very much matter. I did not. Okay. So your wife is. Carolyn, she named your first child Carol after. And then the fourth child Carol. And then he was like not. Well, Carol is short for Carolyn.

We just, it's Carolyn, Carolyn, but they're spelled different. Is Danny short for Carolyn? Mm-hmm. Yeah, so everybody's name is Carolyn. All right. What does she do for a living? She's a seamstress. Okay.

Is that a lucrative work? No, she's out of work. She's out of work. Okay, so she doesn't do shit. Well, none of us really do. I mean... Scott and I have full-time job. You got really interested in my family and not...

I came in here to promote my pizza reviews. You've talked about your pizza reviews extensively at this point. We're just like grasping at straws to try to figure out what else is interesting about you. I'll give you some... Give me something. I'll give you something. We're trying to tell you. I'm trying to take my wife out.

I'm trying to take her out. You're trying to. Your wife wants you to take her out. She asked me if this one... If this year we're... We could go out and do something special. You have millions of dollars. What are you going to do?

I can't. You said you've got boxes. That's all you've told us with your money. One of the things I have trouble with, one of the things, is being creative about love and dates. Oh, okay. Tell us about that. I'm looking, maybe you guys. You know, you want some ideas?

Go out on a fucking luxury yacht and sail around the fucking harbouring. Because I don't like this guy. Why? Why don't you like me? Hey, why don't you like me? You're combative. I'm not competitive. This is just my personality.

Say something nice about Scott. I think you got a... Jesus Christ, Chave, you can't even do it. Say one nice thing about Scott. I mean, I know you don't know. You got a great body. That's nice. I mean, I'm not going to disagree.

I'd like to touch it. All right, go touch it. All right. Which part? The whole thing. I'd go up, go... The whole thing? With which part of your body?

Start at the south and just... You want to know exactly what I would do to your body? Sure, sure. Okay. To fill time? I'll take anything at this point. You want me to fill time? You want me to fill time?

Tell me what I do your body. Sure. Okay. I start at your toes. Okay. I give them an old squeeze. An old squeeze. I'd give my squeeze.

An old squeeze. Can I get a new squeeze? No, that's a wait for your face. You'll get the new squeeze. I'll go right up to your knees and give them old shot to the side. I don't, I don't, I don't slaps all over the place. I want you slapping my knees from the side. Take the calves and I slowly just like.

You're going down to the calves from the knees? You went to the knees and I'm dipping down to the calves. I'll give them a little pinch on the back. So you go, oh, the whole thing sounds painful at this point. Well, you get the pan at the bottom, so it's a relief at the top. Okay, let's get to the relief. Okay, I take you, go straight up to the belt line. Yeah, so you pass the crotch.

I'm not going to touch this crotch. until after I get done with it. Okay, I'm back in at this point. Okay, so I'm at your beltline. What I'll do is I'll get a hula hoop and I'll dip it in a bunch of sauce. What type of a sauce? It'll help for us a meal. Honey mustard or something.

Okay, okay. Honey mustard or something. Could I have a ranch maybe? That's too gross. Okay, honey mustard. And I'll just, I'll slowly, I don't know if you can picture this, but I'll slowly take the hulu hoop and I'll push it into you and then rotate it around. Oh, okay.

I get that, actually. I can picture this, yes. Okay. So from that, then I'll go down and pretend. I'll go, Scott, now we're going to touch your crotch, but then we'll make a joke out of it. Okay, sure. Okay, back up to your belly button.

I'll take a bunch, I'll take a half a pack of Starburst. Yeah. I'll roll it into a little apple. Like, I'll take all the wrappers off and roll them into a little apple. Oh, so not the Starburst themselves. No, the Starburst only. Okay. I'm not going to take the rappers.

Okay, keep going. Okay. I'm the DJ, by the way. He's the rapper. Yeah. Oh, nice. I'll wrap. Nice. Do it. Go. Oh. Go. Wrap. So I take...

Oh, yeah. Can you wrap the rest of it? Yeah. Wrap the rest of what you're going to do. That'll help. Yeah. That'll help? Yeah. I've never wrapped before my life. Go, go, go, go. Okay. I'll take the starburst and put them deep in your hole. I take it...

My mouth. My mouth. Right. No, the belly button. Oh. I'll take the starbursts and I'll take him deep in your hole. I'll go down and pretend I'm going to touch that skin, Paul, come up to your nipples and make them erect. You know, that's it. That's it, and then it would be done.

That's good. That's great. That's what I would do to your body. You're going to slap the shit out of my knees from the side. Half a pack of starbursts in your belly button. You're going to pinch my calves and then half a pack of starbust and then you're going to make my nipples erect and pretend to touch my penis, but we're going to have a laugh about it.

This is pretty much what you're going to do to my body in a perfect world because you like the look of my body. I mean, it could change at any point, but right now that's, you ask for a compliment. Is this the kind of thing that you do to your wife, Carolyn? We don't have great, like, intimate life. Oh, but you have four kids. Yeah. That we did. Oh, right.

I'm so sorry. But the spark has gone out of the relationship. I get it. Yeah, that's why she wants me to take it out of a Valentine's Day. Oh, yeah. You know what? I mean, Valentine's Day is coming up. I really think that you should take the time and kind of try to reignite that spark with Carolyn.

I think that's what you should do. You should be concentrating on that. I was thinking about running a bath. Yeah, keep going. This is good. And then taking a bunch of flowers. Great. Okay.

And like laying them over the top of the water. Okay. Yeah. Good. And then like putting out some like chocolate candies on the corner of the bath. Okay. And maybe like three or four candles and put them around. Sure.

She comes home from, like, probably dropping the kids. Maybe we have the kids. Drop the kids off at night? Okay. They sleep elsewhere? No, I'm saying tonight they would. Oh, wow. Maybe they go to a friend of Aunt Paz.

Just in case something loud happens at home. Yes, got nice, dude. And then inviting her in, and then maybe we, you know, maybe dunk her in the bath a little bit. Dunker, why do you mean dunker? Let's push her head under water just for a second as a joke. Okay, it's a joke. Okay, so you're almost trying to restive.

You're a funny guy. You like joking around with people's bodies, I've seen. Anyway, so then I find the human body one of the funniest things in the world. It truly is. It's pretty funny. Yeah. Do you think it's funny? It makes great noises.

It makes the funniest part of the body. Oh, that's a funny question. Probably either the penis or the toes. What about the vagina? No. No. It's not very funny. It's not funny.

It's inside. It's not funny. It's outside and floppy. It's floppy. It's floppy? It's floppy? What does your penis feel like? Oh, I thought you were talking about a vagina.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, penis is outside. It's floppy. I mean, some maybe. What do you mean? Some might be floppy. I don't know. You think so?

Yeah, sure. A floppy vagina. The older you get, you know, how your ears grow and your nose grows, you know, as you age. World record for the longest vagina. Do you know this is a fact you're asking us to guess? Guess. I don't even know how to do... Well, I'll guess.

Six feet. We'll all guess. Six feet seems long. Six feet is the size of like a tall man or a woman. So I'd probably say like... But the vagina usually goes inside, so I don't know how you would really... Are you talking about, like, the circumference? What are you talking about?

Yeah, how are we measuring this? Hang from original vagina place. How low does it hang? Original vagina place. Original vagina place. What does that mean? Is that a medical term? The original vagina place?

You're saying, like, all you get the vagina starts to hang and get wrong. Yeah, but you're saying inside, the inside of the vagina? You're talking about the lips of the vagina, the labia? Outside. The labia? Yeah, is that what it is? It's a more precise term. Yeah, we did a thing.

Six feet, six feet, sure. Six feet. Six feet. Yeah, I'll say, I'll say eight feet. Okay, okay. Great. All right, so you don't know the answer, though? No, we can find out, though.

Okay. I don't know that I want to Google these actual terms. We don't need to. I don't think we need to. on a list. Oh, you know what? We do have a doctor coming up. We could probably ask the doctor.

I guess so. The doctor will probably know about. Yeah. Do you think this is going to be a good Valentine's Day for you? Do you think this is going to be? I mean, what are you looking for in the relationship? I want to rekindle, you know, some of the magic. Because you love her, right?

Of course, I love her. I mean, the wedding seemed like you really loved her. Yeah, you remember. Do the beginning of this week. Okay. The idea of love and what we are to each other means the most. Every single time you get me. You get to cry.

starts to cry. What do you think the longest, oh, my funniest part of the body. Is that what you were going to ask? Yeah. I think it's a butt. And specifically the hole, the butt hole is absolutely. You think that's very funny? Well, it's, because it's funny, it's funny, it's funny looking, but it also makes funny noises sometimes. Oh, farts. You're talking about farts. True or false? Two or false? Two or false? I'm going to guess two. I'm going to guess two as well. Yeah. That's right. Okay, great. you got it right you got it right great great well look look look what's that chave yeah chave it chave chave chave chave chave chave chave yeah you sound like a fairly interesting fellow not incredibly

i'll take that i'll take that over where we were yeah but uh you know and i hope that everything works out for you this valentine's day yeah can we do one thing does jave stick around yeah can you Can you help me with this? Can we just quickly role play me asking my wife to have a night of intimacy? Yeah, sure. Hey, do you want us to play? Oh, yeah, go. Let's got play it.

Yeah, I want to be in this too. Okay, all right. Can I be a passerby or? No, no, you should be the girlfriend. I'll be the girlfriend. Okay. All right, here we go. Okay, and I'll be coming down from upstairs after I was like.

Okay, so I'm a downstairs. Maybe let's say. What am I doing? Yeah. What's my activity? You're stacking up, uh, all the boxes. Oh, yeah, that's great. Okay.

That's great. And I'll be coming down. on stairs. Just do it. You just do it. Let's do it. I'll have just, like, put up a... Jesus. I'll just have hung up a towel in the back. In the bathroom. The second we should end in the 10 minutes ago. Got it. Got it. Okay. Hey, honey, I just hung up the wet towel. Did you buy more boxes? I got, I dig, you know, you know, I just have to throw these out, right? We have a subscription to boxes. Whether I want them to or not, I signed up, it's automatic. All right, fine. Honey, you look great today.

Oh. Who are you? Oh, sorry, I'm a passerby. Hey, get the hell out of my house. Sorry, bye, bye, guys. What are you doing? I saw that's really sweet. Shoot, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, go,

get out of our house. I'll just pass her by, of course. Oh, my God, I just killed a man. It's all right, it's all right. Hey. What do we do? Do we tell the Belize or do we bury the body? No.

Put them in a box. That's what all these boxes are for. Honey, you're so smart. I love seeing you that aggressive. I didn't seen That was really good I think this could work So Ben all you have to do is drop by

Chave's house She was she used Okay She was she Okay This sounds good I love this You're willing to take one

For you For you your happiness sure That's why I love it Not in real life Chave we love you We love you Chave Hey thank you Shave is what it is

Shave Why didn't you correct us At the beginning of the segment Shave Shave it Shave it. Oh, I thought it was chave.

She thought it was shave? Chave. Chave. Yeah, it's shave. Shaveed port noise here. We have to take a break, okay? When we come back, we are going to have a physician on the show. The elegant Mr. S is still going to be here.

And shave, you can stick around, right? I have some doctor questions. Okay. I want to find out how long that vagina is. Okay, we're going to find out from that. We're going to come right back. We'll have more comedy bang bang bang in just a moment. We'll be right back.

Yeah. Comedy Bang Bang, Bang. We're back. Benny Schwab is here, of course, of Bubonic, the ledge bog, and a fast little guy who runs around. He runs around the world, right? Hedgehog. He can. He can, but he chooses not to? Well, he can. There's a scene where he ran across America, yeah. Why? Oh, he ran across America? He didn't know which way to go when he came back. There's a fish on his head. All right, I got to check these movies out. And we also have shaved. That's right. That's right. and you were not there for whatever reason. Chave? Wait, Chave, you're correcting me again?

Chave. You said it was shave when we went back to you. No. Okay. Okay. Chave. No.

Chavid Portnoy. Chavid. Pizza reviewer is here. Oh, you made me hungry for crusty, for some gutters, some good gutters. Nice hot grundle. Yeah.

Krusty gutters. Water. So you've been reviewing pizzas this entire break. Is that what's... I'm going all over the... I go all over the place. I've been doing a lot in

for some reason I've been doing a lot in Oxnod. Okay. That's, I mean, yeah, sure. Why not? Yeah. Have you been to Oxnott?

It's beautiful. You said there's another doctor? There's a doctor coming? Yeah. Why am I even wasting time talking to this guy? Wait, before you get to the doctor? Wait, you have something to say

before we get to the doctor? Get to the doctor. I'll give you one more chance, Cheap. I'm changing my answer to eight and a half feet. You're changing what? My answer to eight and a half feet.

The length of a vagina. The vagina. Okay. Get to the doctor. Shave, we're going to get to the doctor. All right. He's a physician. Oh, position. Oh, that's interesting.

I'm seeing who's on the show here. Who is it? Well, I don't know whether this person is a returning guest. It's not even really a person, to be honest. What is it? Please welcome back to the show or to the show for the first time. Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0. Oh, Dr. Sweet Chat.

I think the first time he came on the show was with me. Okay. Okay. And what are you guys? Hi, how are you, Doc? Hi, Dr. Sweet Chat 2.0. I'm doing well. I've been updated. Okay, so you are the original Dr. Sweet Chat, but you are, have been updated. I've been updated to compete with chat. GBT TV. Oh, okay. Okay. So you, I mean, for those of you who have not heard Dr. Sweet Chat on the show before, you are a little. I remember a, it was like a flesh colored cube. A flesh-colored cube with legs? No, I'm three inches by three inches by three inches and 450 pounds.

Right. So you're very small, very heavy. And you're on a skateboard. I'm on a roller skate. Oh, a roller skate. Oh, a roller skate. That's right. Sorry, you're behind me right now.

I don't know. The setup of the studio is. You placed me in the corner behind every one. wait how did you get up the stairs to get here my dude wait you have a dude with me what does that that's just a smaller little box yes that's my dude so you have a smaller little box and that's your dude how did he get up the stairs where's his dude look in the other corner it's a smaller box So how is a one-by-one-by-one flesh cube going to help anybody? Sorry, he's rebooting.

Okay, are you 3.0 now? I'm 2.0 still. Okay, okay. Dr. Sweet-Jas, wonderful to have you on. You are an artificial intelligence, I guess. I will sort of am a program. I'm programmed to be the world's greatest wingman. Oh, really?

That was your original, the intention that... That's right. My Professor Croopy, who created me... Professor who? Croopy. Crupy. He lost his wife. Oh, right.

And this was his way of getting back out there. And we determined you had some culpability in the loss of his wife. Let's not talk about that. Okay. I think he'd give us a great pickup line that you used to help me. them as a wingman. Or just like a wingman thing. Yeah.

Like a pick up line. Well, it could just be a wingman. Like, how are you a good wingman? You said you're a good wingman. Well, I'm loaded with conversation starters. Oh, right. I remember that. Yeah.

Okay, so you hit us with an example of this, yes. Pretend we're... Well, you want a pickup line or you want a conversation store. Jesus, do something. I feel like I'm being... Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Sorry, we just came off in an interview that was very aggressive.

It's 2026. I've been doing the show almost 17 years. My patience is wearing thin at this point, with people's premises. It's wearing thin. It's like just more hair. It's weird. Whoa, whoa, Dr. Sweet Jack. What the fuck, Dr. Sweet Jack?

Come on, man. Shots fire, shot's fire. Okay, listen. So tell us a pickup line, pick up on. A pickup line. Yeah, do you need me? me to pretend to be a character or no. Yeah, you have your two women talking in a party.

Okay, so Scott and I are both. Wait, no, you're two women talking about it. Okay. You're both two women talking about. And then what's Scott? We're both two women. Scott is a third woman. Okay.

Okay, what about a chave-a-he's a box in the corner. Is it a smaller? Is that one of the dudes? Yes, it's his dude. Okay. Hi, Meredith, how are you? I'm really good, Jenny. How are you doing?

I'm doing very well. Oh, what's this? Hey, how are you? So? I'm here, too. Hello. Is it just me? Or are the ridges on rigatoni getting wider?

Oh, wow. I never thought about that. Any particular brand of rigatoni? Um, yes, craft. Craft's Rigatoni. But by the way, it started a conversation. Look, we're talking to it. I mean, yeah.

So what's everyone's guilty pleasure? Oh, like a TV show or? Musically? Mine is ordering pizza. No cheese, no sauce, no crust, no box. No cheese, no sauce, no pizza. So you just get nothing? No pizza, no cheese.

Yeah, no cross. We heard. No cheese. No cheese, no sauce, no pizza. Yeah, we heard. So you just, so what do you order then? No cheese. Okay, let's stop asking you about the pizza.

Anyone traveling these days? These days? These days? These tough days. Like out of us, you mean? The three girls you're talking to? Yes. And this box?

Just went to England a little bit ago. I want to go to the Atlantic Ocean. Down, down, down, down, down. So I don't hear my wife, bitch. What? You have a wife, Dr. Spichette? And by the way, don't use that kind of language. I'm not equipped with a woke alert.

Sorry. Who's your wife? You're equipped with a woke alert? Yes, I have many alerts. I am also now equipped with impressions. Oh, you do impressions. Wait, we're just skipping over the idea that this little cube as a wife? Yeah, who are you married to?

I'm married to Megan Malawi. Oh, okay. Nick Offerman's married to Megan Malagic. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's what they say. So who's Nick married to? Nick is married to that.

Box in the corner That's like you said Ryan's that box That's me Ryan's a chave Breaking the fourth All right Well Give us some impressions

Okay Who do you want to hear I can do anyone Bill Cosby I heard Alec ballads Okay What's the diff really

I guess Oh it's actually Pretty good Wait Yeah, do you hear me? Yeah, we hear you. What? Your favorite movies, The Edge?

No, yes, you want to hear my top ten movies. Yeah, wait, Alex, you sound like a ghost. Number 10, love an edge. Number nine, malice. Number eight, one edge. Number seven, mortgage. Okay, you love the edge.

Malice in the edge. Malice in the edge. Number four, probably malice. Okay, number three, malice. Malice. Number two, you've got to be the edge. Yeah, number one. You already did do.

Sorry, number one was number one. What's your number one movie? He already did number one. That was the edge. Oh, the edge. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Do you do any other impression?

I can do Miles Teller. All right. Let's hear Miles Teller falling. Miles Teller falling. Okay. Help me. I'm falling in the mud. Oh, no.

I'm falling. I'm hurt My ankle is hurt Is that from the gorge? No, it's just from real life He was getting a macchiano I've fallen

I'm hurt My ankle is so hurt Don't leave me I'm Miles Teller And I'm I have a question May ask a question? The Alec Baldwin impression

You had a totally different voice For this one, you just stuck with your own Dr. Sweet Chat boy Well, Miles Teller sounds Miles Teller kind of sounds like Dr. Sweetchance Oh, I didn't know that Yeah, so it's not that much of a reach for it, I guess I have many new modes Oh, great

Many new what? For 2.0 New modes, okay, by the way, you're a little more intelligible this time, but it still is very difficult You were forced to be after your last appearance But, but, but... But, yes, but...

Oh, wait, can we hear... Yeah, let's hear normal voice. Well, people were complaining about my voice, so they added a normal... Oh, we'd love to hear it. What was that, a little fanfare there? Even this is more... Yeah, okay, let's hear...

Let's hear normal mode. Hey! Well, wait a second. Hey, I'm normal now. I'm a completely normal too. You kind of sound pretty normal, dude. Yeah, I'm a classic guy. Wait, so what are you like?

I like my whiskey over the rocks. On the rocks. On the rocks, but pretty close. I love edging in front of my parents. Edging, like sexually? Hey, dad, do you mind if I don't come? What? Wait, your dad's in the room?

Anyone else, like, starting Moana in the middle? No, you probably just start for the beginning. You know, your voice sounds more normal, but the things you're saying are derain. I'm classic. I'm a classic guy. Okay. What's everybody's favorite movie? Oh, I love Back to the Future.

What about you? Yeah, back to the future. Gremlin's tour. Hey, Box, shut up. My favorite movie is Trumbo. You guess that Trumbo. Trumbo with Brian Cranston? The Blacklist writer, Trumbo?

Oh, yeah. Name one quote from Trumbo. Venmo me. What? Venmo, you what? Venmo me. Why would we vet? There's a quote from the movie.

No, it's not. Trumbo did a Venmo back then. Trumbo has a great runtime. How much? About two hours. That's a lot of movies. That's what you like about Trumbo? How cool is the phrase, uh-huh?

I guess. I mean, it's fine, I guess. Yeah. We're classic guys. I don't think, like, classic guys to me, doesn't, this doesn't sound like. This doesn't sound like guy talk. Hello. Oh, my God.

By the way, 2.0, by the way. Yes. Yeah. You press the group. There you. Here I am. Ah, here you are. You're back, Dr. Sweet Chat.

I also have a sexual mode. What does that mean? You're just a cube. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's cool. This is me sexual. This is you sexual. Yeah, I love to spread toes.

Spread toes? I think they like spread toes, bad. No, I don't really. Do you ever spread your toes? No, and I think like with people. people I'm with, maybe the last get their, like, toes cracked, like

knuckles, but... A foothold of baseball. You don't even know he said? You don't even know he's head? The toes are so far apart. Ew, ew,

there's cream. There's cream coming out of all your pores. I thought we just did. Ew. Doctor Sweet chat. I don't like this mode. I don't like this mode. My floor is sopping wet now.

Oh, okay. Are you still in sexual mode, sir? Now I'm back. Your post-coitus at this point, is that right? All right. God, sweet chat. Who installed these new modes of these? Sam Oldman.

Oh, this guy. Yeah. Hey, I got a question for you. Oh, you got a question. I can't wait. to hear it well we have chave portnoy here have you heard of the pizza review thing from his brother david portnoy yes i love those reviews okay so do you like chaves i love chaves more than his brother there it is if i can get him out can you help me get him

out there imagine thinking you can rate a pizza in one bite that's fucking stupid well he takes more than one bite he takes more than one bite that's the bit yeah yeah you take What are you talking about? You don't have a dick, you're a flesh cube. Let me see your dick. Wait, your dick is inside your cube? Yes, open on my cube, twist me all that. Okay, let's, I don't know how you twist a square.

You treat me like a bottle of, I'm a model. Ew. Okay, here we go. We're opening. You hold the top, I'll do the bottom. Okay, yeah, I got the top. That is really, oh. There's a little tiny penis inside.

here i am here i am here i am rock me like a hurricane okay is that what you wanted us to see there's just like a little tiny penis inside your box no i'd like to tell jokes with my dick out all right you have some jokes for us dr sweet jac okay did the typewriter say to what to the laptop what did the typewriter say to the laptop um something about you're electric. Oh, no. Oh, that's right. Oh, right.

What does Paul McCartney hate? What does Paul McCartney hate? Oh, no. Oh, no. Is the punchline again? You'll go, oh, no. That's fine. See, that's good.

Now, at least that's a joke. What did I give my X-wife? You have, not only have a wife, you have an X-wife. Yes. Okay. Alimony? No-oh What?

No-oh? Like no orgasm? Got it. Okay, that's why you got it. Okay. Yeah. But with your current wife, are you at least,

do you have a good sexual relationship? Yeah. Well, Chave is having some trouble with his wife. Do you have any pickup lines that or some starters? All right. So what, Chave, describe your issues.

What's that? Whoa, dude. Neg her Meaning negates Just so you know Dr. Sweet Chat Dr. Sweet Chat Dr. Sweet Chat is pulsating right now.

You're saying the word Negg and then the word her in your thing is terror You cannot say that together. It's already hard enough to understand what you're saying. Okay. Okay, negging. Okay, don't take any of Dr. Sweet Chat

two points out of those advice. Ignore her Go up and will Go up to her and say I hope you out with your children That's not negative That's just a horrible thing to say to someone Yeah

But then she's all up in your shit Really? I'll try it No, please Don't try this This is a terrible event I don't say I see what they call you

Garbage That's negative That's Necky Yeah that's Necky Yeah that's Necky Hey, pizza face, I'll kill you Don't say any of this stuff I'll kill you

I'll kill you. I'll try you this Me, Ben Yeah, you got a pizza face Why do I have a pizza face? I can see where your pulse is worse I guess that means

I'm younger Wait, wait Are you saying that as a pickup line Or you're telling me right now I'm doing you I see where your Olds is work All right

Jesus. I guess when I was in high school, I had a lot of acne. You can have adults on said acne. That's true. Make Bill Murray look normal. Okay. It seemed to me and Bill Murray. Oh, it's nagging, neck.

Why are you like a canter the way that you talk? I can be a canter. Can you sing if I were a rich man? Not bad. Pretty good. Okay, oh, God, that's shorted him out somehow. Oh, my God. Dr. Sweetch had 2.0. Are you all right?

I'm fine. I'm feeling sexual. Okay, you're back in sexual mode? I think so. What's up with that ponytail, Scott? Oh, yeah, why do you have a ponytail? Why do you have a ponytail? And why does it need to be sucked?

It's one of my New Year's resolutions Is just have a ponytail His hair has a little ponytail Why would it have to be sucked? Have a star style Have a star tile? Have a star tile That's good

You ever see a floppy ponytail? Sure, yeah, all the time Yeah, what do you think? What do I think? What? This isn't a conversation starter You ever see? What's everybody's bagel order?

What's everyone's bagel order? Mine is everything bagel, probably veggie cream cheese and locks Right, right, right, normal order. Right, or like everything bagel, bacon, egg, cheese, salt pepper, ketchup. Okay, so pepper, pepper, pepper, pepper, right, no paper, right? No paper, no paper, no paper, nothing babel. Nothing babel.

Nothing babel. Oh, my God, oh my God, oh my God. Okay, what about you, Jay? What's your bagel order? Not toasted, not cut three mayonnaisees. Not toasted, not cut three mayonnaisees? Yeah. All right, what's yours, Dr. Sweet Chat?

Oh, the classic. Okay. An egg bagel, frozen salt on the side. Keep going. With more salt on the side. Okay. And the song, love will never do play in the background. That's your bagel order?

That would be tough to do to get a business just to change the song. Oh, really? Should I get a bagel order? Hey, fuck you, Dr. Sweet Jackson, wait a little. Whoa. Fuck you, man. Whoa. Whoa.

Would you like to hear a story? I am now programmed to be more human. Okay, yeah, sure. Tell us a story. Once upon a time, there was a cat named Oh, na, nah, nah, no, oh, nah. No, na, no, na, Dibi

Nakh Jina No Nna Nita Nina Nna Dina Okay, enough, enough. Wait, so how would you call it to come if you wanted it to come? I'd say, come here. Oh, no, na, na, na, no.

Wait, wait, that's a different name. You have more than one cat? The cat's name has changed. Okay, look, I don't want to hear the rest of the story if the cat's name is already that long, okay? That's here. Oh, D-D-D. That's Carolin.

Oh, that's his wife's name. It is. Wait, is that not your wife's name? It is my wife's name. No, what? Are you saying it never was that, or he has to change it? Wait a second. Are you lying about your wife?

Wait a second, do you have a wife? Of course I do. What's your name? Carolyn. Chave, have you been lying this whole time about your family life? Do you even review pizzas? He feels jealous of his brother, so he has to love. Is that sure, Chave?

You've been lying this whole segment? I didn't know that. You're under oath. Did I commit something? Perjury. And probably... I just... It sounds bad if I come in here and I'm a loner.

I don't have anything to do. And I do want to have some fun on Valentine's Day. You were booked on this guest to be an entrepreneur. Are you even related to Dave Portnoy? Yes, I am related to him. In what way? It's a beautiful daughter's name. What is?

Perjury. Yeah, it is a beautiful daughter's name. Would you like to hear a song? Sure, yeah. We'll hear one. We only have time for a little bit more, okay? So we'll hear. Would you like to hear shake it off by Taylor Smith?

Yeah, sure. Good song. Oh. Consider yourself by the Oliver Twist Company. Consider yourself, yeah, definitely. Now singing rain, ring, go away. No, you said we could choose. Okay, I can't hear any more of this shit.

All right. How big's the lemon square? Hey, I hope you bury your family this week. Jesus Christ. All right. All right, Dr. Sweet Chat, enough, enough. Are you done? If you die tonight, tomorrow would be glorious.

For who? For the world. Okay, all right. Sweet Chat, stop. All right, we're running out of time, guys. You're so different than you were the first time I met you. You don't remember well. You don't even know how many times they were on this podcast.

He's in the 40-timers club. Sure. Okay, good, good addition. All right, look, we're running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show. That is, of course, a little something called plugs. It's time for plugs. Ooh, nice, short and sweet. Oh, I want more of that.

Plug's theme by Thomas White. Thanks so much to Thomas. Thomas, I want the full one. Yeah. All right, guys, what do we plug in? Ben Shorts, what do you got? This comes on January. That's when it is currently.

Do you get paid for, what's this? alcohol that you're you're the fireball is that what it is i've always got you get like a little taste of every time anyone drinks it yeah every time someone watches the commercial i have a little taste of it um i want to plug a bench wards and friends is taking a little bit of break but i'm doing one or two shows i think in april may one like literally one or two ones and i'm taking another little break so that bent look at ben shorts and friends not going to be out on the road all that much this year though no this year we did 31 shows this year which for us is a lot i don't know you we did 40 some odd but i mean it's god and

Anything over two is a lot. That's crazy, 40-something. 31 felt like so many shows. And I know in stand-ups. But you're lazy, too. No, but we do one weekend a month or one or two weekends a month. You're like the Army Reserves. That's exactly what we're like.

So I think we're going to cut that in half till I think we're going to do 10 shows this year or something like that. So they'll be scattered more or less in the second half. And then the earliest show, man, it is we are making this independently. So it is like a very much for the love of the game thing where we're all coming together and trying to get. How will people be able to watch? watch it. Do you know that yet or... No. We're going to create it. Amplifies giving us money to make the six episodes and then the hope is that they're so fun and exciting that then we can get a streamer to buy those and license them from us. Okay. So, but let every streamer know.

Yeah, let every streamer know. Yeah, it should be really fun. They're letting us, they're letting me kind of do whatever I want. Let the streamers know. Okay, thanks, Dr. Sweet chat. Okay, thanks, Dr. Sweet chat. Okay. Thank you, Dr. Sweet chat. Um, and, uh, Chave Portnoy, who I guess is, uh, uh, related to date Portnoy somehow, but brother, brother, okay. That's all right. But you have nothing else going on. I don't get that allowance either. Oh, okay. So, so, so you have, you probably have nothing to plug. Uh, I guess. House of Lies season three. I guess. Is that the only one? If that's where you're asking. That's the only season that you think people should watch. I mean, you can watch all of it, but season three is probably where. That's where I met Chave on a house lie season three. You know that? You were on house of, or you were nearby? No, he was on.

He was on for the whole season. Chave Portnoy was on the house of, asked the lie detector over there. Hey, you're a light detector also, Dr. Sweet Chat? What? Dr. Sweet Chat is tuned out. True or false?

I don't want to get on me. Two or false? Two or false. Chave was on House of Life season three. Two, absolutely two. That's a phone. Okay, Dr. Sweetchap, what do you want to plug? I'd like to plug.

Hey, you guessed it. Soft tacos. Yay, we guessed it. Soft tacos. Soft taco alert. Oh, is that another alert you're equipped with? It's giving soft tacos. It's giving soft tacos.

Okay. I'm here for it. Okay, all right. You know all the common human phrases. Soft tacos, that's the tea. That's not the tea. All right. I want to plug.

Hey, head over to CBB World. Not only do you have ad-free episodes, new episodes, but you have the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang. You can hear all 40 of Ben's appearances. Oh, my God, really? That's right. All over at Comedy Bang Bang. Can someone rank them, whichever the one is the best? I would love to see a ranking.

What do you think? Number 40, Ben's first appearance. Number 39, Ben, second appearance. Number 38, Marty Scorsese. Number 37, Megan Mulau. Okay, all right, all right, all right, Dr. Sweet Chat. The other one? Red, no, what's the red?

All right, Dr. Sweetie. Red, roof, no, is it? Malice. I'm a celebrity guy. Yeah. All right, Dr. Sweet Chad, enough, enough, enough. I also, over there at Comedy Bang Bang World, we have Scott hasn't seen, which Ben has given me a verbal commitment. He's going to be on.

I do not want to do it. But Hollywood's good boy, Jack Quaid, just was on on Friday. We talked about the movie Shin Ging. Get him on the phone. Call him on the phone. No. Let's get him on the podcast. No. Get him on the podcast. Get him on right now. Get him on the plot. We're running out of time. Get him on the podcast. He doesn't want to talk to sweet chat. He doesn't want to talk to sweet chat.

Don't tell you a good boy to me. Also, we have CBB presents where there's a great one, Sparkolonious, I believe, that people should listen to. And crisis on Infinite Bang Bangs has started, by the way. So we're in the middle of a big crisis. Well, we're trying to reboot the continuity here because everything's gotten too complicated. Oh, this will work perfect. This will fit perfect. So, yeah. Anyway, but head over. But head over to CBB World. We have everything over there.

And, you know, we're going to close up the old plug bag. But as we do, here on the new episodes of every single year, Beny Schwaw, the elegant Mr. S., is going to kick us off. We're going to sing a new song. Now, here's what happened. I just have to close the bag. I got it. Here's what happens.

14 years or so ago, there was some sort of mix up, and you sang about opening the bag instead of closing the bag. I don't think so. We're stuck with songs that are all about opening the bag when they should be about closing the bag. So will you please sing about closing the bag this year? Are you sure, by the way? And by the way, we can all join in on this. And sweet chap, that includes you.

I'll start it off and you guys join. To close the bag. To close the bag, okay? And these are the ones that we're going to use. People use for remixes all year long, so I really want to nail it. I really want to make sure that it's all about closing the bag. You're putting pressure on me to us.

I got it. We're closing the bag. bag. We're closing the bag. It's that simple. It's the easiest thing in the world. Maybe I'm getting, maybe the past 14 years I've gotten in your head. Maybe it's cold outside. I want to close the bag. Should we do that type thing? Sure. Yeah. Anything. Just make sure it's about closing the bag. Okay. Ready? I want to close the bag. Baby, step on in. I want to close it tight. You know the way to win. I want to close that bag. I want to make it right. So just close that bag. Close. Close. Close. Close. Hold those lanyards tight. And then loose in the bag And let it open wide I'm just opening the bag You got no place to hide Put things in it

Cause it's so open fast And if you don't want that kiss Sweet Chat's ass La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La That's how we open the bag And everybody sings Open the bag with a wring Darling, and now you know, Maris.

Okay. I mean, it started off great, I have to say. We closed it, right? Started out all about closing up the bag. And then I got to admit at the end there, you switched it to opening up the bag. Well, did I rhyme? You did rhyme. Look, look, you rhymed.

Okay. Why am I getting upset? Yeah, I rhymed. And I think I closed it. And I'm pretty sure the song ended with Dr. Sweetchats saying malice. Which will make no sense if you play this for everything. I guess, but I mean, we're. stuck with it. You don't have to keep malice.

We can do another one. You want to do another one? You want to do a variation here? Look, I gave Reggie Watts three opportunities to do the comedy bang bang theme, so, and he hit it on the third one. So, you want to try another one? Why? I don't want to do another one.

No, this is just sweet chat. Oh, okay. Well, you know what, I'll do another one. Wait, just the end you want? Whatever you want to do. I say do the whole thing over again Fuck this Hey you don't get a vote I say my vote is to do the whole thing over again

You've been lying since the minute you got here Chave No I think it's the best move How did it end How did what end What are we talking about? Malice No well what was I singing so you could add a new thing

What did it sound of music end What did it sound of music again They got to Austria or whatever the fuck they were going Dine in the Alps. Everyone dies. In the Alps. Yeah, it was so long ago, of course they're dead. All the Kings dies.

No, they don't. Everyone dies. That's a fact. Everyone dies. And someday it comes back. Give a new word at the end of it. Pretend it ended. Da-la-da-la-da-la-bottle.

No. No. Okay, look, we don't have time to do another one, okay? My vote is for one more. That's got to have to be good enough, Chave. You've added nothing to this program. I wanted to jump, and it went too fast. Yeah, you wanted to be a guest on this,

so you lied about everything. Oh, God. One more to this, not malice. Five, six, seven, eight. Edge. That's good, that's good. Edge. All right.

Well, guys, I want to thank you so much. What a wonderful treat for the new year. This has been an amazing... Benny, the fact that you not only have done this 14 years in a row, but 40 episodes and ends of the world to me. Thank you so much for taking the time. 40 episodes. And you're doing less and less touring episodes this year, which means you'll have plenty of time to come back this year.

So look forward to- 80. Yeah, look forward to that. And when do you think you'll hang it up? Is there a time you'll hang it up? Yeah, I think, you know, relatively soon. You think so? You think within the next five years?

Five, yeah, definitely. March, 29? March, 29? Oh, you know, he knows. He knows. He knows, because he's chat. So three years and two months from now, you think? I'm calling it, Mel.

So you think I just gave Dave Portnoy, 50 bucks on March, 2029. So you think I'm going to stop two months before the 20th anniversary? Two months before, just throw a wrench in it. What are you going to do for the 20th anniversary? I have no idea. It's so far away at this point. Do you have an idea how to end it? Is there a thing to end it, or is it just get all your friends on it? Well, we want to wrap up. Of course, that's why we're trying to simplify the continuity so we can actually have a satisfying end to the show. Okay.

Cut to black? Yeah, someone flipping a light switch on Oh yeah, that's good Do you have a guest for your last one? No, this is so far away I haven't even thought about it. Why, are you angling to be the guest On the last episode?

Man, I'd be honored, but I don't think it's going to be me. I bet I'll be back. Was that the original title The Shaggy song? Man, I'd be honored, but I don't think it's going to be me. But you see me in the corner? Man, I'd be honored, it's going to be me. Benny, thank you so much

Shave Do you need me to do a little ending that you can add into the song? Yeah, go ahead. And when I say, open it up, I really mean, open up. You gotta open it up. You gotta open it up.

Yeah. Oh, da, do da da da da da da da da da da da da da do. You're doing the MPA and MBC thing. You're doing the MPA. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da All right, we'll see you next week See you next week, thanks bye