Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - David Cross, James Mannion, Holly Laurent, Greg Hess

Episode Date: March 2, 2023

Hollywood celebrity David Cross joins Scott to talk about his latest Worst Daddy In The World stand-up tour, Mr. Show, and his joke writing process. Then, firefighter Ryan Headboard stops by to talk about his anti-bullying PSA. Later, manicurist Sherry Pie drops by to talk about brow coaching. Plus, hostage negotiator Jim Bolt stops by to share some hostage negotiation tips.

I will show you fear and a handful of dust now show me that rock and bust welcome to comedy bang bang Huh Thank you to tough shit Elliot tough shit Elliot for that wonderful catchphrase submission and welcome to comedy bang bang for another edition My name is Scott Ackerman and man. We have a Banger of a show do people still say banger? I don't know. I don't know I do certainly because when it happens You have to call it out. We have a firefighter coming up a little later We have a manicurist and we have a hostage negotiator

What and we also have a Hollywood celebrity that we'll be talking to in a second What an incredible show we have for you today and speaking of Hollywood celebrities Let's talk to the one that I mentioned not moments ago. He Used to live in Hollywood. He was a celebrity. He is still a celebrity He does not live in Hollywood anymore, but we still consider him one of our great Hollywood celebrities Stars are back here on comedy bang bang and there is none greater. You know him from such television shows as mr. Show with Bob and David arrested development You know him from the movies such a scary movie, too. You know him from the squeak walls

You know him from so many things you love him you see his face and you say oh, I love him I love everything about him. He also is one of the greatest stand-up comics to ever exist he has a new tour called worst daddy in the world and It's starting this week. Please welcome him back to the show David Cross is here. Thank you Scott Thanks for having me back in Hollywood and thanks for arranging it and doing all the paperwork Of course, did they pick you up at the airport? Everything was good. Yeah, I don't know I don't know who the they is that you are Referencing but a hundred people did 200 show up or well there were definitely 200 people there

I got the sense that they were just sort of not given real instructions No, no I sent one to actually drive you and then 199 to be extras in the background. Oh, then that definitely happened Yeah, although I it was a share ride. So I guess we're 197 oh okay in the background and then three of them I didn't hire those other people for the share ride Oh Those weren't those were mine. No, sorry. Yeah, I don't know who were I don't know who so I so I was supposed to pay them Yeah, you were supposed to pay the the people for the share. I didn't even okay

This wasn't something that cuz you get their w2s. I did I did but I didn't know I didn't know I was supposed to pay This is coming out of my pocket. This is coming out of your pocket, but I reimburse. Oh, oh, I think you understand now a second time for me Oh, so then it's still is I don't know I get confused with the back and forth But who knows what you know, like no end of the day but anyway, thank you the the the gentleman was Estonian I believe and then the other people in the ride share were Seeking asylum so good. They're from Hawaii. They were oh they were seeking asylum from Hawaii. Yeah

To Hollywood Hollywood Were they interested in being celebrities or they just wanted to get the I think two of them wanted to be celebrity adjacent So well that car ride must have been thrilling for them. Yeah, well, yeah, I don't think they knew who I was Yeah, I mean it depends on what's showing on the plane really. Oh, okay You don't have access to and I don't think any of my stuff was on there and then And then that then one of the guy Google one of the guys googled me And then I just heard sea list sea list sea list really are you sure it wasn't like an Estonian word like

Driver this is the oh these were they were from Hawaii. Yeah, so I don't know what they speak in Hawaii Hawaiian I guess still see list pretty good Come you know when you think about like I mean it's going on with you. Yeah, I mean it could be worse. It was worse Yeah, it was way worse. Oh my god. I mean you've gone from just total nobody. Mm-hmm the shit on the bottom of shoes Yeah, yeah, literally. I mean that was part of that's how I made money. Yeah You would shit on the bottom of people's shoes. Is that at the airport?

I would let them shit on the bottom of my shoe. Oh, right. That's why I was yeah, and then I would sleep with the shoe and then I write down my Feelings and reflections and then put it into a poem. I go on to the beat in Venice Beach And I I'll turn your shit on the bottom of shoe Thing into a poem, right? Yes. Yeah, and then I do that for spare Change or Bitcoin all Bitcoin just all Bitcoin. Yeah, this is way before Bitcoin came out So I didn't it wasn't the wisest, right? I just had a notion of what it would be. It was just the words that or it was it was what it was yeah

It was like I would take There's an old candy called bit of honey and I would take that and to put into a coin shape So it was like gelt like the the little Jewish children in my neighborhood who? On the on the Hanukkahs would pass out the pass out. Oh, they would pass out something Oh, I pass out the coins. Oh, okay I mean there's a weird holiday tradition if they just pass out. Well, that was part of it, too They were they were miserable they were miserable alcoholics all the Jewish children where I grew up were just you know way It was bad. It was really. Yeah, it's so crazy that you made it out of there

Being just a misery miserable alcoholic adult. Yeah, well, I but I the thing is I had access to all the I would have They would ask me they call me pops Yeah I'm sure for sure for sugar pops. Oh for sugar pops because you always ate sugar pops. Yeah, I'd hand out sugar pops Oh, you'd hand out. Did you ever eat the sugar pops? No, I don't get high in your own supply Oh, my god, so just handing out sugar pops to all the kids. Yeah, they called you pops. Yeah, they call me pops Right, and then I would They would ask me to go get them, you know, there was a man of Shevitz

the the wine that you use in a lot of Ceremonies, yeah, right what one would use. Yes, not a Jew one would use in the so the ceremonies. Yeah, and And so that's what but I was able to kind of Control that so I would drink a bit more than they did but they would still get drunk They were kids. They were kids. They were getting drunk all the time. You were getting drunk Yeah, and everyone's drunk at the end. This sounds like a happy ending to me. Everyone's drunk. Yeah. Yeah, well, they're all dead But but that's an it that is happy It's because they were just miserable and I think some of them I'm a little suspicious about some of their

intentions, you know in in America and I Think that I got the sense they were trying to subvert the Constitution Oh, which which part of the Constitution the fifth one what yeah article five article five My favorite article To top five, you know, it's in the top five. Definitely, but now you've gone from that you've gone to the Well this show this show. Yeah, definitely and then a bunch of stuff in between. Yeah

We don't need to talk about that important. Yeah, but this sea list from being on this show. That's pretty good I Think this has dropped me down to see what oh, okay. You were at B. Yeah, because when I got dropped off Because there's you know, you can always check in if I don't know if you have that app No, no, they have because I know celebrity net worth calm They have celebrity what list you're on dot com gave what list are am I currently at this moment in my curly at this moment in time calm and you you know, do you submit a fingerprint and Do they do a pinprick for blood sample? Yeah DNA DNA stuff

and RNA and Ribode Riboflavin riboflavin. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, what a wonderful world. It's and word and word Yeah, I meant to say it's a fun. It's a wonderful world world fun. Is that words are fun? You know, that's probably the number one thing that makes the world great is that words are fun fun words Yeah, I mean, I don't know how familiar you are with Gallagher, but you know, he talked pretty familiar He's no longer with us David. Was that a sad day for comedy? I was a sad day that comedy didn't stand up and take notice, you know, exactly exactly

The only person who was More excited than everybody else was Gallagher to yeah, cuz now he gets to be Gallagher one He moves up moves up on the listing. He's he's on what rank is my listing celebrity at this moment in time dot com This moment of time dot com. Wow amazing. I've realized my phone Light has been on this entire interview. Yeah, that ever happened to you I know David David you and I used to work together back in the 90s. That's not a euphemism That is actually true. We You were you were my what would the euphemism part be?

Well, I don't know. We were jerking each other off. I don't know So the work part would be the work. Yeah, the work together I thought that in the 90s was the in the 90s also could be like, you know, like a little up from 69. I don't know but We we you were you were my boss you issued me a paycheck every week You were and you were a stern taskmaster Yeah, you and you guys used to have to come in and you would wait outside and we would have you come in and It was weird because it ended the fire

We would we would be on the street and you would come by in a pickup truck you and Bob and you would go Who wants work today and we'd go me me me me and we would get into the bed It was always the same people because we had jobs, but you made us go through that every day I mean that was fun for us for Bob and I and then and then to get paid. Yeah, you'd uh, you know We had the hut built Within our office and then you'd have to wait outside come in tend to the fire massage our feet um

And then appeal some grapes and then we would dangle the check Over your open mouth with a with like a fishing line with a fishing line. Yeah, it was so crazy But we loved it. We were young loved it We loved it and and and we told you it was a hard lesson to learn But this is how hollywood works and it's never happened to me again since then so i've been confused Well, there was a law after they found out there was a law. Oh, that's right But uh, you and bob odin kirk were of course our bosses and uh, mr. Show with bob and david was the show and So we've known each other a good amount of time a long time and uh

Was that fun being a boss or was it was that too much stress for you? Uh, I mean honestly, I I I liked it, but it didn't come naturally and I certainly learned on the job Uh, but I tried to be a good boss and uh, you know try to treat people the way I would hope to be treated what I thought was fun about the the show was uh You made us come in at 11 30 a.m And and brian posane would be always 45 minutes late. Yeah I we could have been more you could have been more accommodating to people

It's so true It's very true like I mean bob and I had the theory like we'd get in before buddy and and uh, and then we just had the the like, you know You don't want people to come in, you know Tired I mean, we're all young pretty much and we're all like you see a lifestyle where we're out till two or three in the morning Like so it just made sense. You want to get the best work out of our buddy, but um, yeah, brian would roll in grumpy grumpy and and falling asleep in meetings um, but uh, it was a great time in in both of our lives certainly mine and uh, and and now you're your own boss

You're out there on the road. You're out there and uh, the road is a harsh mistress. That is true Boy, it is really hard, but but you love it. Is that right? You love the art of stand-up comedy too much to keep yourself from being on the road Uh, I do I I I truly love doing stand-up and I love going out uh and doing stand-up and um and bringing the Bringing me to the people the piece when you think of a joke Because now when you're when you're out there doing stand-up all the time A lot of your ideas when we were working on the sketch show probably went into sketch ideas, right?

Like you think of something and you go, how do I filter that through a sketch? But now you do it through stand-up, right? You're like, okay. This is an interesting idea. How do I do it through stand-up? When you think of a joke, do you say to yourself? Ha ha ha ha Um, I I'll think it. I won't say it out loud. I'll think it and I'll write it down. I'll jot it down Um, and if I have a phone I'll get a notes app and I'll I'll type out all ha ha ha ha I'll make a little guttural and good good a little parenthetical that says guttural No, I know that. Oh, this is a note to myself. Got it. Um, and then I you know, I go

To guanis, which is a part of brooklyn, uh, nary. I live and then I'll bury the phone And I'll come back a hundred years later Really? So how what's the the earliest phone that you've buried? Or is it almost due or it was a Motorola razor. Oh, okay. What year was this? Uh, this was I don't know Oh 24 years ago 24. Oh, so we still have 76 years left. Yeah. Yeah. No, I haven't uh, I haven't Unearthed them that'd be that would be cheating. It'll be well. It'd be just stupid. It's not going to tell me anything Yeah, exactly. Yeah, do you think do you hope they only have a battery life of like 103 years?

So oh, okay. So you got to get in there right at 100 Do you hope to be alive because they say things like the singularity All of our consciousnesses are going to be transferred to computers and we're going to be able to live forever Does that sound fun to you? Um, I just I would want to I just want to outlive my daughter. Yeah Yeah, I feel you And really mean it

I just it's a race that I just want to beat her Um, it is the idea of just for a sense of pride. Yeah, just to be like I did that The idea being in a computer and then like, you know, you have a lovely wife, uh amber And her being in a different computer and then what do you do? You like you rub computers You know, I think it's a peer-to-peer sharing thing. Oh, it's two ports. Yeah. Oh two ports two ports one cup Well, David, this is exciting. Where are you going with the tour you're going all over the place I what I like about your tours is you really you take it seriously you go out there you go to a lot of different places and uh, you leave

You don't leave people laughing like there are no laughs on the table after you leave the city Like they're all laughed out is what I'm trying to say That's a roundabout way of But where are you where are you going this time? Uh, well, if I have the first leg is out, we're about to announce the second leg, uh, probably right You meant to have two legs, too So this is some of them. Yeah, some of them aren't so lucky. That's true. You know, uh, there are Babies born with halitimide

That is a good point. Thank you for bringing that to our attention. Um, but uh, uh If you if you go on my Hang on, let me get that Hang on. Wait a minute. That's the uh, that's the podcast bosses. We're canceled Oh, no, no answer it then. Um, okay, uh, if you go on my website official davidcross.com that I'll have all the dates We're in play and and there will be an announcement probably as this Is coming out really is that what you say drops? I guess so people say that and they say banger I think still And and the announcement is for the second leg. It'll be the second leg. Will that be the concluding leg?

I think there might even be a third leg a third. Yeah, it's because I'm gonna take the summer off I'm doing a little because uh, because I got a kid that is In school now. I'm not going out. Normally I'd go out for like three four months straight She was uh, you know part of the last store We we put a pack and play into the room on the tour bus and uh, but now I'm just going out for like four or five dates You're doing this while she's in school. Do you try to do the show and get back by the time she gets out of school? yes, they're all they're all uh all the shows are 11 30 a.m

and uh Now I'll go for like, you know four or five days and come back uh for the weekends. Okay. No, no, I go out on the weekends Oh, really? Okay, you know, that's and you uh, you do that because you love them Uh Yeah, I love my family Boy, man, you are really getting soft in your old age, man. That's so funny Well, uh, the worst daddy in the world tour, uh, it starts this week. So we're very excited by that David, you're our guest of honor. Thank you so much for being here. You can stick around. Can you not?

Oh Oh, you thought this was just going to be attended an interview. I didn't even know I mean, I'm on the phone right now Wait, you who have you been talking to? Because this has been lining up with every question that I've asked. Oh, no, I'm talking to you This what you're seeing now in this chair in front of you is will I am? Oh Okay, you're a hologram right now. Yes. I'm a hologram. Yeah. Oh, I see. I'm one of those guys Okay, well stick around if you can as a hologram. Yeah, I can hologram. All right. Okay. We need to go to our next guest Uh, you he's a firefighter. Have you ever met a firefighter before? I just I see him in calendars

I never met one just heard about a fire what a fire just heard about a fire a firefighter. Yeah Okay, so fire one of the I thought it was just a cop in a different outfit. It was beating beating up fire Right, that's what I thought too, but I just learned about fire. It's one of the four elements Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah air You don't have air fighters out there. Although you do have like air fighters now. Is there more than air? I only knew of air as the only element water. No water you drink Yeah, well, you can drink air too. Well, come on. Yeah, what is that some crazy thing? You're gonna try to sell me and take my money

Okay, I have some bottles of air that I want to sell you Freak, uh, but uh, he he fights fires. Uh, please welcome to the show for the first time ryan headboard How are you scott? Thank you for having me. Thank you so much. This is david cross david cross Nice to meet you. Nice to see you the uh, arrest of development show the show not the movie There's a movie arrest of development with Matthew McConaughey. Is that right? Or no, no woody harrelson. Was that it? I don't know Ed TV. Is that what I'm thinking of? I don't know failure to launch I'm not thinking of failure. Oh, that's wonderful. That's a wonderful film. I know what that has seen it It's wonderful. I have seen arrest of development though big big thing. Oh, thank which season

Uh, is your favorite? I've only seen three. You've only seen Three season season three season three. Okay, good So a lot of it seemed like there were a lot of stuff that I was missing because I hadn't seen the first two Sure. Have you do you have any desire to Watch the first they're taking him off netflix. So you better get to it if you have desire. Yeah, no Yeah, no, you don't have no. Yeah. No, I'm gonna get right on that. Oh, oh god. I got no Yeah, I mean, but and they were long seasons, too. They were like 22 episodes. weren't they or 12? It was a network. Yeah, it was a network show. So they don't do that anymore

I know I know they don't right well. I think um, law and order s svu Cincinnati Crime scene unit cleaners, uh, right that one went Like a good ccs, uh, you see is what they shorten that to short. Yeah, that's the shortened version ccs. You see Yeah, ccs. You see you see. Yeah. Well, that's what you swore in spanish. That's right Ryan, it's great to meet you. Uh, you're a firefighter. I am a firefighter. Uh, it's a pleasure to be here Where are you from? You sound like you have a uh, you're dropping the r's off of the other members

Well, I don't want to say exactly the precise place where I'm from I'm not asking for it because I don't want to be doxed or sure be subject to You know online Harassment or anything. You don't you don't want to be swatted. No, I don't want to be swatted. That's for sure Sure, I don't want ccs Ud to come over to my house. Right. Yes. Who's Dorchester, but uh, no, no, no Well, I'll say this I'm from I am from an area in the northeast in united states where we do speak with a non-rotic Accent non erotic. Is that what you said non?

Rotic non-rotic. What is it? It's exactly what you said where we drop drop the r's got to end unless they proceed A vowel I oh, that's a good rule. That's for a non-rotic accent. Exactly. Okay. Well, uh, thank you so much for having me If you're giving me this platform, uh, I've been uh going around to various schools to different assemblies Uh, given PSAs and that stands for public service announcement public service announcement And uh, thank you for having me here so that I hey, you know what we've gotten the thank yous out of the way We can now just like leap right into what we're here. Okay. Well, I'm just I I'm very thankful I've been thanked probably 10 times at this point by you and I would love to just like zip right into what we're here to talk about Okay. Well, thank you for the opportunity to do so. All right number 11. Uh, well

I I appreciate this. I mean, I appreciate you as a host listening listening to Allowing your guests to be to show some reverence and isn't that interesting though like we're supposed to thank EMTs and firefighters and all that and it's like you're rude if you're not like, oh, you're a hero You're a hero. We love you and yet here you are thanking me It just it doesn't feel right all that that all that stuff kind of makes me uncomfortable Does it really every time I save someone I I thank them for the opportunity To do my job And then I just I preempt their thank you to me because I don't like to receive compliments

Are you bashful that way is that what I'm a little bashful? Uh, well, uh, I appreciate you and I appreciate you David. Uh, good to be here. Thank you very much. All right So I uh, I've been going around doing psas sharing with mostly at elementary schools sharing with children the information that they need To uh, survive and be safe in this world Just just in this world just generally well, or is this all fire related the way it's pertaining to the areas that I am

An expert in right got yes, which would be fire Actually, my psas is about bullying. Oh Yeah, okay There's another there's another group of firefighters who I actually know Who they do the fire fire safety related ones. Um, oh Okay, they don't quite uh Yeah, they don't quite let me join in on that. Why is why is that? Did you originally join join with them and yeah, you know how like sometimes you're with a

a group of friends and uh, you know, sometimes, uh I don't know they start teasing you or uh You know, you just feel like you don't fit them with them so much Yeah, I mean David, did you ever feel like that on the mr. Show with us? Did you ever feel bullied by all of us? um, I mean separately at night, uh, and I can in in individual ways, uh, when y'all would come over and and you know, uh And when I was sleeping and do that all that stuff that you did we yeah, we would give you a blanket party sometimes

Yeah, but one on one We would do it one on one. We made sure just uh, you know, because we didn't we wanted to keep you You know on your toes fresh. Yeah. Yeah fresh. Definitely. Yeah, jeez. That's uh, that's a type of bullying that's quite advanced I've never heard of something like that It was very thoughtful. Oh jeez. Yeah So so so are you trying to say that these guys in the fire house? Yeah, uh, they you don't fit in with them no, uh And uh, yeah, they uh, and I'll say it they kind of they they bully me a little bit. What do they do? So, uh

Well, uh, sorry. I'm getting a little bit of emotion. It's okay. It's okay I could I could guess what they do Do they take the big fire hose and they say this is my dick and then they take like a string of spaghetti and say This is your dick Stuff like that or they haven't quite done that but I don't want to give many ideas Yeah, they will listen to this they would do but they haven't thought of that one yet. Oh, okay That was the first thing that came to my mind. I guess it all started because Apparently according to them

I I go down the pole weird how Well, okay, so the pole if for people who have never seen a fire station They're usually two stories. We don't know why other than to have this pole, right? Yeah, it's like it's the height of the clearing the fire, right The yes, but like fire trucks are quite big so they have to the building has to be that tall Sure, but just have high ceilings everywhere. We don't need a second story Well, because you can get more space if part of that has two, uh, two levels in it

You can fit more murphy Trundle beds and stuff if you have it must be really uncomfortable to be in a murphy trundle bed at your Every single night. You know what I mean? Yeah, well, we do it in shifts But yeah, it's not it's not the most comfortable. I prefer to be in my bed at home. So in any case for people who don't know Uh, suddenly the uh alarm bells ring right in the fire department, right when there's an emergency You know, there's an emergency usually fire related emergency. Yeah, you guys like pretty much always. Well, you usually usually fire related I guess it could be like sometimes someone Got stuck in their car or something like that. Yeah might call us out for that

Right, and then you guys are expected to jump out of bed Right, you keep your your boots there with your big fire things that you're supposed to like Basically, you're supposed to time it so you jump out of bed right into your boots. Right Um, and then you pull up your big your big, uh fire outfit That's right And then to get down to the truck you go down this pole Which is in the middle of the fire station, right? And there's a hole cut out in the middle of the floor of the second floor and and you go through that hole

They cut these out. They don't The the floor doesn't arrive that way. That's like something they cut out or You know, I wonder how they do it. There's I'm thinking of two possible ways Either the floor comes in two separate parts that each have a semicircle cut out of them and they put them together Or they build the whole floor and then bore a hole through it afterwards. There's a big hole to Sorry, but how so then the Floor goes first and then the pole goes and they how do they get?

because At an angle if the pole isn't bendable you'd have to Are these bendable poles? This is a good question. Uh, the poles are not bendable the poles are metal I I suppose it would be possible to have Two pieces of metal that were shorter Welded together But I don't think I think that the whole if they have to bore the hole first and then I think the hole Is wide enough that they're able to to slightly tilt it at an angle

Yes, it's sort of like because that's me wide enough for the biggest firefighter to get through otherwise Has that ever happened where like a big firefighter like goes? Oh my god, we have an emergency and then goes down the hole and suddenly Just get stuck. No, that's that's the sound of getting unstuck. Okay. Can we roll that in reverse? Yeah Engineer sam can you just do that in reverse when we do the show? That's a little how nice looking at me since you're a rent-a-value blog. I'm also okay. Great Thank you. Thank you engineers. I appreciate that's what it would sound like But uh, no, I've never seen that happen. The hole is is big enough for most people because you know The hole doesn't need to be like just big enough like it can be kind of big

It's like 150% usually. Yeah, there's this the rate the radius of it is 150% Of the the radius of the biggest firefighter usually right be real comfortable. Yeah, I've never seen it I've never it's never been close to being an issue in all the times. I've seen it. Okay. Good. All right, so now Normally, I've gone down one of these poles myself. You have I have not in a fire station but in a Batman scenario. Ah Batman scenario Too too strange to talk about an escape room or something. No, no, no, we're No, where I was going I was in someone's house and there was like a pole behind a clock

And I went down to thinking that I would change my clothes and I just came down and my clothes were exactly the same It's boring. I see it's boring to talk about. Yeah, but What you do is you like wrap your legs around the pole Grab on do grab on do with your your hands and then you just like and then you slide right down and it's faster than You know going downstairs, right? Is it or is it just more fun? Well, it's it's uh, it's not fun for me. I'll tell you that right. What how do you how? What do you do that's so different? Well, I you know, I I don't know exactly what it is that I'm doing But when I see all the other guys

Go down the pole. It's like you describe it. They they slide down. They just slide down And uh, sometimes they say we like they're having fun. Like you said I when I do it I and I don't know what it is But it's like I'm like a fly getting caught on like flypaper or something I just like I jump onto the pole And then I'm like stuck there And my like skin is like rubbing against the metal and it's making a loud

annoying squeaking sound and uh It's like I'm not I don't just slide down Do you is it like stops and starts and yeah? Well, I and because I'm self-conscious of this or maybe I'm squeezing onto it even tighter And I I drop down a little bit. It makes a really loud squeak Well, here's the problem with it if because you don't want to just go like, you know And I'm gonna barely hang onto it because then you just like fall right, you know, it's like a two-story fall

Right, I don't want to do that. And if I break my leg, that's a big problem for For the operation. I just haven't gotten down the smoothness of whatever motion It is I'm supposed to do uh, I just haven't gotten it down and uh The other guys think it's weird It takes me like one or two minutes to work my way down the pole Do they make you go last or are you first sometimes they're all waiting? Well now they make me go last because they realize that you know, they can't

You know, I'm gonna hold everything up and sometimes they I don't even make it onto the truck And I'm sorry. Why don't you take the stairs? Why don't I take well Because it's faster to do the pole doesn't sound faster. Yeah, it doesn't Well, I mean, okay So what I'm just gonna take the stairs when everyone else is sliding down the pole And then never learn how to do the you could go down the stairs and you could say we And sort of feel like you're fitting it. Come on Scott. One of you have had fun walking downstairs well

What if you uh Slid down the stairs like on the banister. Oh, that's fine like a kid doesn't go. We so I tried doing that And uh, I got stuck on the banister. Oh, no, and and it was more like I was able to get down But it was more like a crawl You're crawling down sort of crawling like a here's a suggestion next time Uh, there's gonna be an emergency But take a bath the night before with a bunch of essential oils and like lavender oil and like baby oil and things of that nature Soften up the skin make it a little more

Slippery as it were and try it. Yeah. Are you are you kind of a sticky gummy guy? Usually clammy. Yeah clammy. Yeah, clammy. You do get nervous. I get sweaty sticky Gummy Well, uh, I guess I do sweat a lot when I sleep Would that maybe but wouldn't that slick me up a little bit? You think it sometimes has the opposite effect. Yeah sweat usually makes you stick to things Can I do you mind when it dries? Yeah, maybe. Yeah, do you mind if I touch you? Uh, sure. I ask all my guests that usually so you're not gonna like

Depending on what you feel or touch like make fun of me or anything like that Um Do I I doubt it. Okay. Just because would me just telling you what it felt like would that be making fun of you or Uh, if it's accurate, I can I can live with that. Okay, but we'll see how I feel. Okay. Here we go Okay, I'm touching your hand. Oh Um, I mean that is that I let me let me try to get Okay, great I was stuck to I was stuck to you. That's pretty

Jesus, that's pretty sticky Oh, it's like it's like your soup if super glue was a person If this is the type of stuff that the guys were saying That I know that's like you're like if super glue was a person. I know it's formatted like a slam But I didn't mean it that you're just trying to describe what it's like exactly Jesus Yeah, what is it about you that that was a strange sensation and I say strange meaning odd. I don't mean it like Uh, uh, you're you're a weirdo. You're you're you know, lesser than or anything like that. I just thought it was it was unique

How's unique sound? That's not making fun of you. Okay. That's that's good. That's actually a uh technique that I teach when you're being bullied is to Realize that maybe What makes you different is also what makes you unique Hmm. Oh, and so Yeah, maybe I'm just uh I'm just the really sticky guy Yeah, I wonder what's made you so sticky. It's interesting. Hey, you know what I have an idea

What if we like you must do this in your In your PSAs you must do a little role playing right? Oh, yeah What if David and I were to bully you? And you could and and you could teach us like you know your techniques for how to shut us down or anything like that Okay, yeah, I do that David. What do you think? Yeah, yeah, okay Okay, you fat fuck. Whoa. Get the fuck out of there. You fat fuck. Look at how fat you are. Okay, uh kids I assume there's children listening to this podcast. I'm usually doing it at elementary school

So I'm gonna say kids but I guess it's yeah, we don't want to get out of your wheelhouse that applies to everybody. Yeah Uh, okay. When something like uh, when people are saying something like this to you Uh stop drop And roll away Roll away I don't know. Hey, if any kids are listening to this don't listen to this fucking douche

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Hold on. Are you doing that as a role play or is yeah? Yeah? Yeah, this is uh This is part of the role of the bully the bully thing the bully has followed you to the classroom Okay, the bullies followed me to the classroom. Yeah, look at this. Look at this loser Swayy nervous loser. You don't want to listen to this. Yeah. Why are you listening to him? Listen to us. Listen to us. Hey, we're cool We're cool guys. Hey, you want a cigarette? Yeah, I totally want a cigarette. Do you got any drugs on you? It's a menthol Oh Tastes so minty and fresh. Hey after this I'm gonna go down to the bijou and I'm gonna get a handy from down to sue

Oh, okay. Hey, uh, hey fellas, uh, shut the fuck up. Who is this guy? Ah Hey, get your hand off me. He's stuck to my face. Yeah, okay. There we go. I've said no, we're uh, we're role playing with him It's okay. Yeah, it's all right. Yeah. No, he understands the teachers here. Yeah. No, we're just now. He's role playing This role playing. Okay. Uh, I think we're just really good. This is why he's one of the sea list celebrities Are you role play? Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting. There's no teacher here So everything that would do it Everything that would do it is role play. I was I was trying to um

Create a situation where it felt like the teacher was there and the teacher was going to intervene But yeah, he's so cool that he's like, yeah, well the two of us were yeah, yeah, we're the cool guys cool brothers uh, okay, so uh, so far, uh I might ask you um Because you you've I guess at the beginning you were sort of tell me you gotta get yourself together, man This is like cheese. I yeah, I gotta go back to my own principle First of all, I thought it was really ingenious of you, David to he expects to be bullied for being gummy and sticky And sweaty and you come in with fat jokes. Yeah, I was I was I said that thinking okay

I'm giving him an ability to go. Hey, I'm not overweight. He just took it But yeah, just I think everyone feels overweight. So it's like one of the best insults because No matter what weight you are everyone feels like I could I could stand to lose especially anorexic people Yeah, right and then it's like Yeah, they have feel exactly. Yeah, so in any way, do you want to break down what we could do better? Uh as as bullies how to bully you better? Uh, well, so that's now what I I don't want So first of all, I want to say that if you're if you're a bully, uh, you know, knock that off Uh, don't listen to this. Don't listen to this idiot. Listen to the cool brothers. We're cool

Okay, I'm getting down close to the ground. I'm gonna crawl away Okay, I gotta interject you're too you're two techniques right now are roll away and crawl away. Yeah, you're you're just a pussy Well, no, it's No, it's it's no. Oh, no. No. Yeah, you're a pussy. So the other guy's pussy says what pussy says what, huh? Can't even get that shit right Jesus Christ So I There might be a so the the the other guys they do the uh, they do a fire safety training assembly right before I do My anti-bullying assembly because they don't let me join in on that

So I guess because of the pole thing Well because of the pole thing and I mean that was what it started and then they started finding all sorts of other like reasons to Like what economy like what well the other day I uh, I thought I'm gonna wear my Hat my my helmet. I'm gonna wear it backwards And see if uh, I don't know see how that looks and see how I feel wearing it that way So like like someone wearing a backwards baseball like someone wearing a backwards baseball cap or something And I just to try it

Because I'd never seen that before and I thought well, maybe if I have like Some sort of new persona and this is during an emergency Uh, well, yeah, this is the alarms are going off and we're jumping into our boots You can't do this during an emergency those those hats are built like that for a reason Well, how how so? It's still hot It's why you got all the protection in the back now Right instead of like towards the front where like the big part of the helmet is and you're going into fires

Right. Yeah, you need it at the front Then you think the helmet is to protect me from the fire What do you think? That's why your brain is in the front of your head, right? We all agree with the brain is my help. No, it's on the top Look at this idiot with his hat backwards guys hat backwards looking motherfucker. What else do they make fun of you for? Uh, well, jeez. I feel like I'm in there right now Well, that's what we're I'm sorry, but what I know you're trying to help. Yeah trying to help help ever hurt never That's my yeah, exactly. That's what david's always said that. Okay, uh, so

Uh, something else that they've made fun of me about is a lot of times when I turn on the hose It lifts me up into the air and I fly around What is that because you're you're you're The placement of the hose honey or what apparently well the hose is very strong And I don't know if the back there at the fire truck turning it on an extra high pressure Just when I do it because this doesn't seem to happen to anybody else. I doubt it and you know It's weird because My feet don't stick to the ground

Are you wearing shoes? Yeah, well, yeah, that's right Yeah, so you thought you're fine with my shoes on sticky. You thought you would be like spider-man just sticking to things Well, I was thinking like okay shoes Uh, well, I think if I'm this guy his feet don't stick to the ground over you non-foot sticky Motherfucker flying around on a hose. Okay. I'm getting on the ground. I'm rolling away. I'm crawling. I'm gonna put we see you Look at this guy crawling away I'm putting a rag over my face crawling is literally the slowest form of movement. Hey rag face

Oh, gosh, they're calling me rag face now Uh, okay uh kids uh Don't uh, if you don't want to be bullied uh Just don't do any of the things that I've been doing here today because apparently

It's not working. Yeah, don't be weird. Don't be a fucking weirdo like this guy, right? Don't be a uh crawling backwards hat Sticking motherfucker rag face. Yeah Now get the hell out of here. Okay. I'm gonna kick you. Oh Okay, well, thank you scott for letting me do my ps a Yeah, I don't know if it was a little too easy You know, don't you think so David? I mean when you bully someone in real life, you want a little bit of resistance, right? Yeah, I mean, I'm not a I'm not a big bullier, but I've kind of got a taste for it now. Yeah, you know, I know that felt good

Yeah, yeah, but it was just because of him not me. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, but also we were the cool brothers We were the cool brothers. Yeah, so that that had a lot to do. We were so in character I'll meet you. I'll meet you on the corner. We'll do some doo-wop over a barrel fire Oh, don't do that. Oh, what is that? Intimidate you doo-wop. No, it's the barrel fire pot that oh, that's right. We forgot That's a contained fire. I would think you'd appreciate that but Even contained fires can grow The doo-wop is you don't have a problem with I don't have a problem. I mean, it's a little bit intimidating

See you two guys listening to doo-wop on the street listening to doo-wop. We're performing Oh, you're doing it too. You're singing. You're just people listening to doo-wop is intimidating. He takes the low, I take the high And they could uh, can I get a pot? We don't we don't need a middle. Yeah, sorry. Doo-wop is uh, famously two-man two-man two-man operation Two-wop is what we two what we call it. Well, look, uh, ryan, uh, I You're just a pussy. That's I the verdict is in But can you stick around? I would love to get your your insights into our our guests that are coming up We have a manicurist coming up. We have a hostage negotiator. That sounds fun, right? I don't know if I want to

All right, get the fuck out of here No, can I please all right there? I like that better. All right, we're gonna take a break when we come back We have more david cross more ryan headboard. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this Oh How many bang bang we're back david crosses here worst daddy in the world tour Uh kicking off this week and running up until the summer and then he's taking the summer off and then back on the road, baby Till christmas No till the end of october and oh halloween time spooky it literally up till halloween

Really? Are you doing a halloween show or are you gonna dress up? No, I want to be back for halloween in my neighborhood is Like really fun and intense and all the kids get together And I'm going to be there for my daughter and all the all her friends. It sounds like october 30th your last show Uh 29th 29th, okay, and then you're doing a travel day and then you're back rash and rested on Ration ration ration ration ration Yeah, I'm going out on the road. Uh, I have uh two amazing Opening acts. I got shon patent. Oh, I love shon great. Yeah, uh, he's opening up in the cool brothers Are uh, the cool brothers. Oh shit. I gotta clear my schedule. Yeah, and they they come out and do about uh an hour and a half

Well, ps a do we need to get ryan headboard here? No, they would not they wouldn't oh, they wouldn't do I tried to then they said no Oh, okay. They're cool. All right. Well, uh ryan headboard by the way is here. Yeah, how are you good? Yeah, you did you were cowering in the corner during the entire break. What is going on with that? I just uh, I feel like I uh I didn't do a good job of uh standing up to uh the bullying or even applying my own Well, it was the cool brothers, you know, they're really good at it intimidating. Can I can I say something make an observation that For somebody who is so, um, has as self-esteem issues and and uh, it's fat and and Well, forget that but it has we you know, just a week a week Spindless

A week. Yeah, you know, uh, I think it's I'm not married. So I can't you can't technically be a girl I think it's really admirable that you fight fire. So a virgin. I think that's really that's cool And that's uh, that's great. Have you ever put out a fire? Uh, well I did have a file once that uh, I was trying to put it out But the water was coming out as like a little trickle And then the hose in the hose. Yeah, this was usually it's super blasted But this time that I said, hey fellas, don't you know, don't turn up the pressure supply So maybe they turned it down all the way. It was coming out as a trickle

And uh, the fire just kind of Gave up like it got bored the fire did wow it was almost like this guy's not even worth it It's one way to do it and uh, it just kind of receded Well, whatever whatever it takes. Yeah, I put itself out. Uh, But uh, so I mean I count it as a win. Uh, that's in the w column. Definitely Yeah, I mean, you know, like I said, I I'm not comfortable with compliments anyway. So it's probably for the best if You know, I'm not doing anything super heroic. You know, I just I don't

I mean, I think it'd be best if you just went home and uh, you know And then just stayed there until you died That's yeah, huh After this show, of course, we want you to stick around for our next guests Uh-huh, but then after that after that. Yeah, I mean, that's one way to go. Yeah Something to think about what is it about me that you want me to stick around even for the part of the show Brother, if you just want me to just go fucking die I almost want the cold brother to come back here. No, please don't break the cold brother

Okay, all right, but that's on the table. If you keep acting like this, you're gonna hold that over me the whole rest Yes, indeed. We need to get to our next guest. Is that all right, right? That's that's fine. All right. Let's let's talk to her She is a manicurist Interesting. All right, let's talk to her. Uh, please welcome for the first time sherry lemoine Thank you so much. Yes, but I go by sherry pie because sherry pie. I think Doesn't everybody want a piece of pie? You know, oh, I get it. It's like cherry pie the warrants song. Oh Yes

See that's back when horny was horny. Yeah, you know Or maybe that's just the music that makes me horny. Oh, it makes you horny or are you horny right now? It's not pour some sugar on me Uh, but but she's my cherry pie. It's pretty good. I like girls girls girls too. That one's good. Yeah, three good songs One's about girls. Mm-hmm. One's about pouring sugar on girls and dessert Yeah, just different forms of dessert. Exactly. Yeah, I'm also a big fan of I can't remember the uh, hook But the um, she's knocking me out with those american thighs Yeah, I like the idea of thinking about thighs being american

Um, and that that can be a turn on but I I think a lot of things can be a turn on We don't remember the hook to that song though But we all remember the american thighs, but the hook eludes us. Yeah, what is the hook of that song knocking me out with those american thighs? You should be I should be all night long. There's the hook See what i'm talking about. There's a horny sound to that type of music. I don't know if it's the hair band They're just maybe it's that I was the age of horniness at the time. How old of a woman are you if you don't mind me asking? Well We're growing up in an ageist society ageism is the most I need a number. I need a number. Okay. Uh, would it surprise you if I told you I was in my mid fifties

Uh, your references. No, it would not. Okay. That sounds about right. I'm I'm in my mid fifties Okay, how when we say mid, what are we talking? 54 And I prefer the I prefer the evens. I would consider that early fifties. Thank you You know, I mean once you hit 55, then you go mid fifties and then you take that all the way up to 58 I think yeah, then 59 is late Wouldn't it be literally the middle? I know, but I think you can get away with it is what I'm saying You can still say like early fifties until until literally the day before you're 50 Then people end up having this very conversation and now you're really

Focusing on it. And that's that's what you don't want you you're saying that if I said, oh, I'm in my early fifties And I'm 54 and a half You would then say I was a liar. I wouldn't say you're a liar. The first thing I'd say is like I think it's adorable that you're that old and you still were you use half for your age I would have three quarters. I wish more people would say Excuse me, but I'm 72 and a half years old. I don't need to be treated like this. What if I did it by months I'm five thousands Then then you and then I got to do the math and then by the time I figured out you're long gone

Yeah, and so is your uh checkbook, but now you could have a chat bot do the math for you Oh, that's such a good point. Are you interested in AI? I am I find it fascinating. Um, every once in a while look at the the thing that says AI and it looks like the word al Uh-huh. Yeah, for sure. You're not sure if if we're talking just about a guy. Yeah one syllable named guy It's like weird ai yankovic Yeah, what are we programming him to do make fun of everything? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I don't want to live in that world No, ryan. I know you don't want to live in that world I don't want to live in uh in any world in any world. Yeah, so, uh, uh, should I call you?

Uh, sherry pie is that I like it. Yeah. Okay, sherry pie. It's memorable, right? Yeah I I mean I when did you have trouble with that remember you first? Well, to be to be honest with you It was a lover who who started affectionately referring to me as as sherry pie and I liked it So I've asked every lover since and um, also just regular social now you've widened it out to everyone in the world Yeah, yeah, because I find it to be memorable. Um And I also wanted to say I I started out as a manicurist But I am branching out or expanding I should say and do and I'm an anesthetician I have trouble with it in the same way. It's like a worst-of-shirked. Oh, yeah

Well, it's hard to say especially if you're coming to a late in life Yeah, you know and suddenly you have to be one Right boy, I wouldn't I wouldn't want to be in your position. So yeah I'm I'm gonna I've started to work with eyebrows too because some people, uh, you know, everybody has nails So we have fingernails. Yeah, we have eyebrows in anesthesia. Yeah, these are your three areas of expertise Yeah, and do people come into the store wanting one? Do they want them all to the do you go? Hey, give me the full gamut You can get a full gamut put me under do my nails do my brows

Yeah, knock me out because it gets tedious those American thighs. See yeah What about like skin? Do you do skin care? I do some skin care? Um, I I use a lot of eyes. I use a lot of tape I think tape can draw things out of the skin if you if you put something sticky on your skin you would be Fantastic, so you're saying the more even put something else that's sticky on it because we got a guy here He's like a human roll of duct tape essentially. Yeah, see now that is what the guys at the station was saying That is one of the ones they hit on Yeah, what about the thing that you get you roll it and it takes a lint roll. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're covered in lint

I noticed so I'm Ah, yes, that would make I would need a lint roller, but Can you know you are a lint roller? I know that's what I'm asking. Can you remove lint from a lint roller with a lint roller? This is what the big lint roller is heaviest, too We buy these lint rollers. They're covered in lint and then you need another lint roller to get the lint off Well, fuck that. That we can agree on we can finally we got something. Hello, sherry pie But I was thinking speaking of bullying that uh, maybe you should Treat bullies like you treat a fire. You're not going to change the fire

You just have to respond to the fire being itself. You're not going to change a bully change a fire technically by throwing water on it Yeah, well being so pathetic that it just puts itself out, but no, that's a really good advice. I mean, uh Yeah, like there's only you can only control the things you control I mean, that's why I usually decide to stop drop and and roll away because yeah, at least that's something I can do You could treat it kind of like have you ever heard any survivalist talk to you about like how to Survive a in a counter with a bear Um, like try to be bigger than it. Yes, or depending on if it's a black bear or a brand. That's right It depends on the color of the bear. I can't remember because black bears eat their meat spoiled. So you got to play dead

Uh, brown bears wait, wait, you said that like you had a way to remember it Like like a mnemonic thing or something black bears black bears eat their meat at night So you gotta play dead. So you play dead What they're gonna do is they're gonna bury you because they want you to spoil for three days That's I think the desired amount of fermentation and they come and they leave and come back And they're giving you a three-day giveaway as long as you leave within that three-day period Yeah, and and you're gonna have to dig yourself out of the they're gonna bury you They might even take a nibble, you know, and so you're just gonna have to keep playing dead while they take a nibble

It's hard to when they take a nibble Yeah, and then they're gonna bury you and then you're gonna get away You're gonna be holding your side where they took a nibble maybe while you're getting to yourself to some medical care Um, but then the brown bears eat their meat fresh So you also have to play dead same strategy because if you can convince them that you're dead, they'll be like I only eat fresh meat. So in both instances play dead. But who's the ones you're supposed to look bigger than? Uh, I think grizzly bear

Well, you're never gonna look bigger than a bit. You're supposed to look bigger than a coyote But if you try to look bigger to a bit, well, maybe it's always gonna What if I get like a big lens and I put it in front of the Front of the bag like a funhouse mirror kind of situation. Yeah, I mean you're already like a human funhouse mirror In a way. Yeah, you could maybe even you could direct the sun through your transparency Toward the bear and try to burn it. Oh, wow But you also I do have to say you also could come across a white bear and the only strategy You come across a white bear is to um, pray to your maker because you're about to meet him

There's no what if you look like like a coca-cola Bottle or something then then instead of taking a chomp body you they're gonna come up They're gonna try to take a swig take a drink out of yeah, and you better taste carbonated But yeah, and like a dark sugary brown syrupy. How do you know so much about bears? Well, I I've gone through survivalist phases. Uh, you know, uh, I don't have a bunker or anything like that But speaking of AI, we don't know what's coming. You know, they say it could be full integration You know, we're afraid that the AI is gonna turn on us But I am of the mind that it is going to be us

See, here's the thing everyone's like, oh, no these robots. They're gonna turn on us. They're gonna turn on us Don't give them thumbs See, yeah, like dogs would would kill us in an instant, but they don't have thumbs. They can't open doors They can't open the refrigerator. Yeah, you mean if I mean then there'd be like a planet of apes or some kind of thing Yeah, exactly. Yeah Yeah Anyway, I'm getting into brow coaching. Cool. Yeah Brow coaching. What does that mean? I'm a brow coach

um because People are really gals mostly are getting really into brows. You want to have a strong brow Uh, a strong brow connotes youth Hmm, uh, I don't know if I used connotes, right, but it felt right, right? It's it's so hard to say because sometimes you could go is it connotates Canotes, I don't know, you know, but I think you got it. I think you nailed it I don't think you did and that's not a pun because of the manicurist thing the nailed it thing

Do you hear that a lot though? I do I I enjoy a nail pun to this day. They don't get old. Um, because I got a good sense of humor and you have a great sense of humor Everybody's got nails Except sometimes you'll have somebody who this one got ripped off or that one or I've just been tortured And they tore off all of my toenails my fingernails that happens too and and and that's why I got into brow coaching What is brow? That's where you're trying to Coach the brow to come out of the skull in a certain way Yeah, encourage the hair growth encourage the pattern of growth

Encourage the direction of growth you start out with stencils and you're encouraging you put a stencil against the face And then you start to treat the area that is showing through the stencil with different plant-based serums If you can get your hands on a real, uh, organic human, uh What? Things like um hands on a real organic woman. Well, you two both have uh wives and kids Have you ever seen did you watch the placenta come out of your gal? Uh, I don't think the placenta ever even went in my gal. Oh, is that right?

Who is that right? We we had a surrogate. So Ah Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, but david. What about the placenta for you? Was that a fun time? um, it was you know, it was it was tough at first, but uh You deal with it But I I just I I just had to add some salt and a little bit of uh turmeric And that's another hard word to say isn't it true because it's got the r in the weird place. Yeah I I can't it doesn't seem right. I say one of the odds

I say one of the odds because it comes with full of out. Yeah, there's this doctor on tv Who's always advertising and he sounds like he's slurring his words like turmeric. Yeah, you know You you can't say it not. Why is the doctor always? Saying that on tv. I don't know you sell he's selling some sort of supplement that has it in there He's trying to show off that he can pronounce it right, but it just doesn't it sounds weird that it turns me off Yeah, exactly. Thank you. I think we give doctors too much authority. They're just regular assholes like us Who have yes gone to school for a certain thing, but yeah Yeah

Who do you hold in high esteem doctors or firefighters? Because remember during the pandemic we were all supposed to like bang on our fucking pots for doctors for like a year Yeah, yeah, I did that a couple times. I did that two or three nights two or three nights and you were done. Yeah, yeah Uh, that felt like noise pollution. Uh, that's the thing then you got then you got uh, uh, uh, uh, I don't have no idea What I was gonna say is I feel like thank you. I got nothing against firefighters Um, they feel like in but in the in the world of cops and firefighters You know, what are you gonna say bad about a firefighter? They're you know way less asshole A lot of people have said a lot of bad things about me. I know that but

Yeah, you represent all firefighters. Uh-huh. What you needed to do in those cases was just Play dead, you know what I mean? Yeah, play dead. Well, you know, they have that whole thing about acab, right? All right, yeah, but but we're not supposed to say that about firefighters Uh, well, it would be weird to say a cab and I'm talking about firefighters. That's a good point Thank you. Yeah, this is a good point. I don't know. Say whatever you want to me. I don't care And where do we stand on that stuff of thanking firefighters or cops or military people in the airport? I always feel like there's a pressure when you see someone In camo in the airport that you're supposed to go up and you got to say a thing and yeah, I don't like yeah

Yeah, I remember when you guys had american flags like flying off the back of your truck Do you remember the day people were like, let's take it down? Yeah, I remember they they took it down because they were like this reminds me too much of ryan When he was like stuck to that pole. Oh, yeah, you're you're so you are like a flag. Yeah, in a way you're a half mass Are you sure it's because of the composition of your body or because of your erection could be Could be all three all three I don't Got it. Got it. Um, well, this is good. I mean, where where's your shop located? I'm on franklin

Uh here in town. I'm south of franklin. Yeah, I'm south of franklin north of vine and um, I'm I'm right next to a psychic so you can kind of get multiple needs met in one trip so you can get put under Get your brows coached Get your nails done and then go next door and see what you should be doing for the rest of the day Yeah, get some direction about your future. This is great. Yeah. Uh, well, we need to take a break. Uh, if that's all right Is it all right by the way? It feels good to me. Okay. It feels natural at this point, doesn't it? It feels natural. These american thighs are Given two two thumbs up. Hey, don't give these thighs thumbs

They'll be unstoppable. They'll be doing more than knocking you out They'll be stealing your cell phone learning your past. I'm powering in the corner as you describe it You've like curled up into a little ball like a rolly-poly bug or something. I know I'm gonna take a bite See if I can take a chomp. You look like an appetizer or something. I'm dead. I'm uh, I'm spoiled Okay, well, let's see. Let's see if I take a little an additional little nibble here. Uh, how? No, you have to play dead. Sorry Now you're really gonna be truly dead because you didn't convince me that you're dead. So now I have to kill you Okay, uh

Don't just say okay when someone says I have to kill you god. You were such a pussy All right, look we have to take a break when we come back. We have a hostage negotiator Show here today. We'll be right back with more david cross more ryan headboard more sherry pie Be right back with more comedy bang bang after this Comedy bang bang we're back. We have david cross worst daddy in the world tour Official david cross dot com is where you get all that information. We also have ryan headboard Do you have an official ryan headboard dot com?

Yeah, official ryan headboard dot com you yeah, that's where I post about my You know the the psa tours that i'm doing Or the assembly tours. Yeah, that's where you can uh go there if you want to I mean Okay, you gotta you gotta be more assertive here. You gotta sell it. Yeah, I'm just uh, I don't know I'm Feeling kind of beat down today. So yeah, it's because the cool brothers got in there and they wait there here Oh earlier Okay, look, we also have sherry pie is here a manicurist slash brow Coach slash anesthesiast anesthesiast. Can you make me look angry? Is there a way to make eyebrows?

Look angry. Yeah, it's very easy all you have to do is um They have to go up and not come back down You know how most eyebrows go either straight across and then a little down at the end Or they go up a little bit and then down I know this isn't a visual medium if you could see my fingers out there Dear listener you'd understand but if you don't have the part coming down You look like an evil villain. Yeah Yeah, so you just have to make them going up that that activated siri somehow

You're describing this. Hey siri. Hey siri piezer up manicure. Oh, just turn it off. Hey siri. Do you know al? See if we can get see if we can get siri and ai talking to each other All right, we have to get to our next guest. He's a hostage negotiator Really? I don't I don't know that we've ever talked to a hostage negotiator before maybe once before I don't know But uh, he's here. Let's talk to him. His name is jim bolt. Hey scotty. How are you doing? Hey, david and uh a little sticky fellow over there and I see you and a lovely lady and happy to be here Just happy happy to have you. Thank you. Thank you. Jim bolt jim bolt Yep, everything's pretty good on on the horizon with hostages. Nothing nothing going down today, which is good. That's a blessing

So there's like a hostage forecast. There's a hostage forecast. We get it every day. It's kind of like the shipping news You know it comes in and they're gonna say, you know, we got one at the bank. We got one uh, tax You know, it's a tax place. We got one usually A lot of hostage. Oh, you you'd be surprised at tax place HR block after I have more things go down HR by you can People get mad when they find out how much oh, oh my friend It's it's usually because they owe money right not because they go. Oh my god. Look at all this money Well, sometimes, you know, you got your accountant in there and he's going. Hey, fellas, it's gonna take me a couple hours

And you're going hell. No, it's not and and he's saying, you know, that's gonna cost you 55 bucks extra and you're going hell No, it's not and then do you got a guy suddenly there's a gun to his head So there's a gun to his head, but you know hostage forecast today looks good pretty clear 72 and sunny That's how we say yeah, but I'm happy to be here. Happy. I mean, I'm a huge huge david cross van and I'm a huge Fan fan of all these people except for this fellow over here. This little guy, you know, I mean now Why is it you're not a fan of me just because you don't know who I am? I don't know. Yeah, I don't like you. I've never been to official ryanheadboard.com I wouldn't because I wouldn't I don't know how you could put those letters together and get a website. You know what I mean?

Yeah, um But uh, yeah, you know, it's not that I don't trust you but that's a hostage negotiation stances. You got you can't trust anybody I think you got When you're doing your thing, yeah, so you can't trust anybody so when I go into a negotiation My first thing is I'm thinking this is probably not gonna end good. Oh, you know, okay. There's only about That's a that's you know only about 99. I would say 99 of a hundred times It's not yeah, I'm just saying go go go to the SWAT guys, you know They're just gonna go 99 out of a hundred nine out of a hundred times

The hostages are killed 99 have a hundred times scott and that that is and that's just that that's just the plain jane truth Those are bad odds. I mean it sounds like I don't know why anyone would hire a negotiator if gotta be a better Well, you know, they have us, uh, you know, this has been the thing recently They've been pulling back all the funding for hostage negotiators. Oh, we're stretched then we're budget cuts How big was your department before this? Well before we had, um, I would say we had 30 or 40 full-time hostage negotiators 40 30 Taxes, yes, definitely I understand in april do they all get sent out or is it like you rotate?

Like what happens does an alarm go off and everybody you gotta go down a poll at all is what he's asking Sure, we go down a poll. Um, uh, we go down a poll You've walked by a hostage negotiator. Yeah, the house negotiator house. Yeah, it's like a tick tock house You know, this yeah all these kind of sticks all in one house so we can make content Hey, you're making content. Oh, we make It's just got you know, when it's not busy like today today. We're up there thinking. Hey, what's a can you dunk a basketball in the pool? And I'll you know, I'll see if I can get get that and then I'll eat some chips and be like Sounds like bad tick tock

Like you you shouldn't be pitching tick tocks. Okay. Well, I'll just say it if anybody out there You dunk a basketball in a pool. He gets it and then you eat chips. Yep That's that's one of those things that we'd be like chipped or whatever, you know, that's fun Now wouldn't you say it that way? So yeah, you know So right now it's it's cutbacks and that puts a lot stress on the system But I would say even when we were fully staffed 99 out of 100 times you're in a hostage negotiation You know, you're just telling your guys go go go because it's you know, they're gunshots have already gone off. Yeah So if you're a hostage are there tips, you know, like yes, like say say to

Cool brothers, okay, we're to be abducted. Oh, so to so you're saying two cool brothers get abducted And uh, they're being held hostage and they're holding someone. I'm liking this scenario. Why don't we hold? Why don't we hold him hostage? Okay, great. Oh, this would this would be great because I could coach I could coach y'all a little bit on how I would deal with a You know, if you two cool brothers had this guy in a in in a hostage situation I could kind of figure it figure it out. Okay. Yeah, let's do it. We don't even need a gun Weapon would just say like sit the fuck down. He sits down. Yeah. No, that's pretty good. All right Whatever you say, I don't want no trouble and this is good. All right. Now first off, uh, fellow

Just a little wet fella I'm gonna ask you to just you can't say anything because words are weapons. That's rule number one words are weapons Wait, he's not allowed to say he's not like hostage should never say anything now You couple cool fellas I'd love to hear a few more risks from y'all because I I just you know, I just kind of up the stakes You know, if you can up the stakes then it's going to give the hostile negotiator a little more to deal with So give us a couple more things about this little this little sticky guy that that we could really get in there with Okay. Hey ramen pants. Uh, what is so, uh, what do you what do what you what's your deal? Yeah? Hey, uh, uh

Ear man, you got you it looks like you got two ears on the side of your head over there All right. Now you get to make one call Uh, who if you have is that is that usually, you know Negotiation police often they get to I get a one call and they call it their lawyer. Yeah, well, they could call lawyer You can have you seen they call you right? They would call a hostage That would be the best choice most times they don't you're saying it's like who wants to be a millionaire It's phone a friend. They phone a friend. They usually phone their smartest friend and their smartest friend usually gets it wrong Okay, um, but do you need to find do you want to find you get one call? Who do you call here?

It is his here's your phone. All right. Yeah, you can make one call you son of a bitch He's make it call. Thank you. Cool. And uh I'm not calling anybody. Oh, I see you because I'm not supposed to talk because words are weapons That he see he's following the protocol. Now just because he followed the protocol doesn't mean he survived Uh, let's kill him. What do you say? There you go? Oh, and they just ow I'll show you in the head Sorry, so sorry

So see scott that's kind of how it goes down most times right most times It's just you can't even get in there You just can't win for losing you can't win for losing and now and that's just the that's kind of the position We find ourselves in right now in the hostage field. Yeah. Yeah, it's gotta be tough. I mean at this point like usually a hostage Uh, or or the the person who takes the hostage is always like give me a helicopter But nowadays it's like a helicopter Where are you gonna go? It's not like the movie scott. Yeah most movies the hostages, you know get out You know, uh, they they negotiate but it's yeah because we don't want to see hostages get killed

In a movie because we go to the movies to escape reality Now there have been a few of david crosses movies that I think hostages did get killed in some of his early work Some oh, yeah, I'm trying to think small soldiers. Uh, sure. Yeah Amelia airheart the final flight Wow A deep dive a deep cut the final flight reporter number three. I was reporter number three What happened on this flight that it was the last one. I mean technically she's being held hostage by an airplane Isn't she david? That's a good point. I mean, that's uh, or yeah, uh, the the

And she was part of the 99 percent But the the final flight was the second movie they made the uh, they made the Amelia airheart the penultimate flight. It was really boring. It was just yeah, it's just hurting like very uneventful Right. She gets off. She has dinner. Yeah, you know, she's a show maybe. Yeah calls her family. Yes Everything went fine. She flew to broadway You know landed in time square and then got out and saw show right in the middle of time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah A lot of people don't think of those as hostage movies, but you know when I'm training other hostage negotiators Those are two the films I show them

Really? Oh, I don't imagine you could see a hostage situation in almost any situation. Well, david This is one of the things I tell everyone every Negotiation you're in is a hostage negotiation. Oh, okay. I know the mic marriage counseling. Oh, that I mean that's maybe the number one Yeah, that's one that we'll respond to a lot Really being taken hostage inside a marriage to go at marriage therapy By the therapist or the couple's taking the therapist hostage Okay, so now this little way shut up Okay, or is the marriage itself that the

The marriage the idea of marriage to a lot of people is This is to you the idea, you know, are you involved with anyone in my marriages? I have been marriages Yeah, I've been I've been held hostages in a number of marriages Um, but I've negotiated, uh pretty much 99 times out of 100 I have not exited those marriages. Well, if that makes sense. I see but you're still alive. That's good. I'm still alive So you've been married 100 times 100 times 99 times 90. Oh, oh, okay. Wait, how's that even possible? Uh, well, uh, david and uh, you know, I'm a big fan and I don't uh, I don't want to get into the details with you

Because I want to impress you mostly, but um, like you pulled that Amelia Earhart Order number three. Yeah, they well, I'm a huge movie buff and that's what I thought you were a fan of his You know, you're just downgrading into a you're a movie. I'm sorry You're coming off. I'm a huge movie buff of the uvra. Is that what it is a word? I believe so because I was yeah Also a worse situation of the uvra of david cross of david cross specifically but you know, you know, I was um, I was in uh, I was a summer camp counselor I was uh, all all these different things and those are a lot of places where just marriages happen quickly You're in you're out and oh, I see. Oh, yeah, so you summer camp, right? Yeah, the I mean david

I mean you you would know you were in wet hot american summer. Um Were you? No There you just know I have a lot of friends who were in okay, but you didn't get that call you were there. Are you sure you weren't there? I saw it in the theater. Oh Did you like it? Uh, I enjoyed it very much. Yeah, did it feel like you could have written any of those lines or improvised any of those lines I think uh, I could go toe to toe

So you could see yourself in it, but you're fairly certain you were not in it Uh, it was definitely not in it. Uh, I'm I'm again good friends with a lot of those folks It really feels like you were in it. I would have put money on it. No, I wouldn't that is your movie, man No, wow, you're you're above the title in my imagination. Yeah Imagination is a wonderful thing. Yeah. Wow. You should be getting residuals for it then at least I mean, I I was in aben and castello meet the mummy Uh, perhaps you're thinking of that. Oh, okay. You were you were what you were the mummy Uh, I was mummy number three mummy number three. Yeah, that's the thing

Aben and castello meet the mummy just singular. They don't tell you there's mummies out the wazoo in this film Yeah, well, that was all they were putting that out there just on the hopes of making a big, you know Tent poles. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, the dark universe. Yeah, of course the dark aben and castello universe God, I would I would have a thousand dollars. I would have to and I apologize I think I was thinking of another fella, but um, who are you thinking of Bradley Cooper? You know, it might have been brad. Yeah, it might have been brad Yeah, and um But you know, he's a versatile actor

So it's mr. Cross and that is uh something that is good in harsh negotiation to you got to be versatile Got to be versatile. That's you got to be versatile. So because what what'll happen in a negotiation where you have to pivot? Well, you know, you The outcome is Essentially pre-ordained. Right. Yeah, the hustles are getting killed 99 Therefore, so well, so you got to be versatile david and how you approach your reaction to the end game because you know The end game is probably going to be bad and you're not going to go home and say Well, I'm depressed again, right? You got to say you got to think of a way of you guys see the silver lining and all the Silver lining playbook which you were in that you were amazing in silver lining play. You should have gotten an oscar for that. That's that's

Kind of nice, but uh, no, I wasn't in that movie I think you might be thinking of bradley cooper It was brad cooper. Well, at least you were in the one with the girl with the nose who should sing in that not act Have you just think of the stars born the the you were in the original stars born? Yes. Yes. Yes I was in the well not. Sorry. I was in the piazadora remake. Oh That's the best one. Yeah, I played for my money Okay, yeah, interesting. Yeah, so yeah, I guess that is what I'm saying You got to be versatile with your attitude after the outcome of the of the thing that's so hostage situations kind of like

What sherry pie was saying about like a fire where like you can't really do anything about it You just kind of have to you have to manage your own reactions to it. I think that's right I mean, it's probably like an eyebrow that won't come out. Oh, you know, you probably just have to manage your reaction Now you're talking her language. Right. Oh, wow. Well, uh, I have been married 99 times and It wouldn't surprise me today's could be one Well, you know what I tell you you said 99 times out of 100 the marriage is go bad. That's right Number 100. There you go. I mean, I would be are we making a love connection? What kind of pie do you like? What kind of pie do you like? Are you like a savory pie? You're like a sweet pie?

What kind of what kind of pie do you I mean? I like all sorts of pie mince meat pie I'm into that's a savory, but she's a cherry pie. Okay. Okay. You want to pivot, you know, okay Again, I'm just trying to control my reaction to what yeah inevitably could be bad. I'm just gonna lay it out here on the table I think I see something between you two if you want to go on a second date. We'll pay for it Wow Okay, I'm in let's go to Ruth's chris Oh I don't know that we would pay for Ruth's chris necessarily, but you know, that's another one

That's kind of Worcestershire situation where you're like is that two names? Am I saying that Ruth's chris? Why are you putting the why putting the postrophe s? You guys are hitting it off here. You have a lot to talk about. Yeah American pie. That's what you were in American pie. You played that pie that that kid fucks, right? No, I think no. No. No. No. Uh, that was Brad Cooper God, it felt like you were you gene levy is who you think gene levy? Yeah. Oh, yeah Schitt's creek. Yeah. Schitt's creek. You're in No, I wasn't okay. Oh again. These are all things I've seen. I have you have watched these good

Okay, I mean, that's almost like being in him. I I think so. I think he counts. That's why I put it on my IMDb page That's probably what me is confusing you because I Put literally every movie I've ever seen on there Oh, wow. Yes. Oh, okay. So it could be any movie you were involved in paid for or just watch I went to the if I can you know, and I keep all my ticket stubs in case anybody, you know, the federal Yeah, refuse it. Yeah, I've got all the stuff or saves it on itunes if you purchased it to watch it He's kind of treating IMDb like a good read I have a hostage seen it. He puts it on it. Yep. I have a hostage question as long as I have an expert here

I I've heard that it's really important that you Introduce yourself say your name a lot so that you identify yourself as I'm just a human And you cool brother, you're just you know a lot about bears and hostages Do you imagine yourself in precarious Situations, you know what it is is that I I spend my life trying to attract a man So I am interested in knowing what men are interested in I see men like bears A men like whiskey men like smoking and I think the men that like bears are not the men that you're interested in

Actually, you're trying to attract most men like hostage it. I mean, I would say I've never actually know that that's a statistic But I've heard well, there's never been a female a female held holding others hostage as far as I can tell Oh, yeah, it's always been a man. So what what is your question? Yeah, is that right? Well, just what is the importance of saying the the The person what what is the what is the hostage taker and the hostage g? Are you supposed to say the hostage takers name the whole time? Like you say well, you'll say their name So for example, David was the hostage here. I'd say David David. My name's Jim and and David I don't I don't think you should do this today David and he's already thinking well bang bang bang I'm gonna finish this up

But what I want there is when David is back at home tonight or when he's in jail or on the run He's going. What was that guy's name? I think because he said my name constantly He only said his name was his name and then I then I would remember. Oh, it's jim. It's jim Right And there you have a silver lining in the playbook. Don't you? Yeah, then I'm not sure where that goes. These are these are good tips Right, and you would imagine the letters I get scott from people who are in jail that I don't really Yeah, I wouldn't think you would get a single letter. I get letters in there going

Hey, jim, I remember your name. You negotiated the hostage situation in which I was fine You know taken under federal custody. Sorry about all the people that I had to knock off that day But thanks for saying your name. You know, they'll say that they'll say that incredible Well, these are good tips. These are good tips. We uh, unfortunately What's that? What an educational edifying episode. It really was. Yeah, we heard about Hollywood Sealist celebrity. We heard about uh, you know, this uh, this guy who does hostages We heard about browse me heard from a big pussy right over here So, uh, we are running out of time though. We only have time for one final feature on the show. That's a little something called plugs

Hey, that was teeny tiny pluggy wuggy by the kevbot 4000 Thank you so much for that. Uh, if you have a plug theme head over to CBbworld.com slash plugs and you can be played on this show and david What are we plugging obviously worse daddy in the world tour kicking off this week? Yeah, uh, well, that's pretty much it for right now. Uh, um, go to official david cross taking you all the way up to october 29th Yeah So yeah, we the first leg is up there. There'll be two additional legs More of america rest of canada and europe as well

And you know what you're talking about yet or or is it is it like that dream? You have where you're going out on stage and you can't remember the lines Have you decided everything already? Uh, I I have what I do is uh, I have a magnetic poetry thing I have a big metal uh thing that comes up refrigerator. You take along with you. Yeah big uh big fun Subzero and uh, and I throw the magnetic poetry up there You have some steaks in there just you know, oh, yeah, I mean it will change from from place to place You know, am I in the south gonna have barbecue? Am I in the Pacific Northwest gonna have barbecue?

Of course, you know new england gonna have barbecue right and uh, and then I do a poet word things And that just kicks it off and that gets it gets the brain going. Yeah, and then I just do uh Crowdwork magnetic for another 57 minutes. It's all poetry. It's all magnetic poetry. Okay. This sounds good. Oh, it's great I mean, I'm getting so many walkouts. Oh, wow. That's what you want. Yeah, because I've got their money already. Yeah, exactly Um, and if they all walk out in the first five minutes, you get to go home. I get a bonus. Yeah, yeah, okay um, let's see, uh Sherry pie, what are you plugging here? You got anything to plug? Uh, um, uh mega the podcast dot com Make of the podcast dot com. Who are you mario?

Oh I also want to um say that I am official cherry pie at blog spot dot American thighs dot com That's a good url. I like that. Thank you so much. It's important to be You said mega the podcast is Now mega the podcast you want to plug that well, yeah, my other whenever else i'm talking into a microphone It's on a podcast called mega the podcast, which is an improvised attire From the

It's from the staff of a fictional mega church. Scott has been on played the intimacy coordinator for the christmas cantata I don't know anything about that, but uh, people can take a look at this. Uh, jim bolt. What do you uh, what do you want to plug? You know, uh Scott i'm just gonna plug make of the podcast dot com too because that That's something i'm on and then uh, if anybody is uh down at the ucb down the hill you can come see cook county social club That's a fun little comedy group that happens when you say down the hill We're not giving away my location Yeah, you're right. It just you know that doxing me and you know that one hill in la

We're up there right now and uh, yeah, so check that out and and uh ryan headboard. I guess i'll give you some plugs Uh, yeah, well, uh, you know go to official ryanheadboard.com if you're interested in uh anything I had to say today if you'd like me to have me at your school There's a guy that I uh, he was trapped in his car and I helped him out I with a I helped him get him save him from his car It sounds to me like you just asked him to come out Yeah, well, I said could you try opening the door from the inside and he was like, oh That worked my bad

Well, his name is james manion. Uh, he's uh, uh, he's we become friends and uh, you can follow him on twitter at pizza manion And uh, yeah, he does shows in los angeles Check out comedian feud at the elysian theater Probably one in march not sure he told me about it. I you know, I'm not keeping track of everything. You don't know his whole schedule I don't know his whole schedule. Yeah, all right, and I said, thank you for letting me save you out of your car And that's how you became friends. Exactly. That's a great story. I love that I want to plug. Uh, look the comedy bang bang book is coming out now in About a month and a half and I got a an actual physical copy of it this week

I thought you're gonna see you got a physical. I was gonna say I got a physical as well Yeah, came out bad came out bad. Okay. I'm sorry. Yeah, but so this book is the last thing pretty my last will and testament I put my will in the back of it Um, and uh die We're all gonna we're all gonna die. Nobody's getting out of here alive I told you everything is a hostage negotiate and until then especially with the grim reaper And until then play dead. Yeah, uh, I wonder if that could work with the grim reaper play dead He's like, oh, I already got this guy. Let him take a nibble. See what happens

Um, but yeah, uh, you can pre-order the book. We have all the links up at cbbworld.com slash book Um, and we want to make sure that first week that uh, you get your copy so it'll go rock it up the charts Um, and while you're over at cbb world, uh, take a look at some of the programs we have over there We have some great shows. Uh, we have an episode of uh, who me with the batman just came out and uh, Alamone Tony's valomonie shoni just came out Head over there. Subscribe if you subscribe for a year. You get two months free. All right. Let's close up the old plug bag Oh my god But oh my god

Oh All right, that was Swedish Americana By hacks rummet records garlic and ham man Thank you so much to uh Hacks summit, uh records garlic and ham man, uh, and thank you so much for that theme and I want to thank our guests First of all, uh, thank you so much sherry pie Such a pleasure. Such a pleasure and should I reimburse you for reimbursing me on the date you're sending us on? Yes, exactly Yeah, yeah, yeah double reimbursement. That's exactly how we like to do it. Um, and jim bolt

What more needs to be said? Uh, nothing scott appreciate it and appreciate you and everybody here except for one That's right and speaking of that one sticky guy over here. He was talking about me Who'd you think he was talking about? I don't know. I thought maybe over the course of the last 15 minutes Uh, uh, we come around on yes come around or maybe someone else caught your eye Something like no no when we find a a person to focus on no you don't want to yeah That's the thing you should know this about bullies. No, I know it's you know until they find a new person Yeah, the you gotta be so pathetic that they just go, you know what it's not even worth my exactly and uh david cross over here Uh, one of my fellow cool brother. I'll see you out there on the road

All right, cool cool guy david's moved away from the microphone. He's packing up his stuff I got shit to do. He's got shit to do Hey, he's too cool to even have the show That's a pretty good daddy. That's a pretty good daddy. Pretty good daddy. He's going. Yeah, his tour is a lie Uh, all right guys. Thank you so much. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye