Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Doula On The Dumbo (David Dastmalchian, Kylie Brakeman, James Mannion)

Episode Date: April 27, 2026

Actor and writer David Dastmalchian discusses his new graphic novel “Through,” as well as his experience appearing on a very special episode of television. Healthcare professional Didi announces the launch of an exciting new maternity experience. Finally, Lyle Vanity offers to find you a unique identity for your car. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigurecellar.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

That's one of the bang bang, bang, comedy bang, bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang. That's one small step for man, one giant leap for an even smaller man. That's one small step for man. One giant leap for an even smaller man. Welcome to Comed to Comeddy bank by. Come Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Henry Linnell for that catchphrase submission. Henry Linnell, thank you so much. Not going to stick, unfortunately, Henry, but thank you so much for trying. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. My name is Scott Ackerman. We have an exceptional show.

Coming up a little later, we have a health care professional. Someone who tends to the sick, I would imagine. We also have someone in the automotive industry. Don't know whether that's on the tending to the sick cars, a.k.a. Mechanic, or whether that's in the selling of them. We'll figure that out a little bit later. But let's get to our first guest here. Let's tarry no further. We're 30 seconds into this show. I've got to get to him, right? He is our guest of honor. He's joining the exclusive one-timers club here on Comedy Bang Bang.

He is an actor from so many things that you would know. Blade Runner, 2049. Let me finish, 2049. We know him from the DC universe as the Pocodot Man. We know him from the Marvel universe as, oh, what's his name from the Ant Man franchise? All three of those movies. He's miming right now a penis on top of his head. He's, or perhaps a triangle, a cone head.

He's a cone head. He plays the head, Bellar Conehead from the Ant Man universe. so many incredible projects primarily fans of this show would know him from his one episode of ER in season 12 I believe as a young boy did you have a name in that

yes young young man yeah he was a young man he was a dog walker he was a dog walker and he was in Lincoln Park and he was with his what he as an actor prepared to believe was on a day date, although what the actress revealed to him in the midst of their improvising off camera and off mic, they were just friends. Just so there's no confusion.

She made it exceptionally clear. Has gone on to be one of my best friends, by the way. Oh, really? Yeah, I just saw it recently. I think I filmed that in 2008. It was the second time I'd ever been on a professional set. What was the first time, if you don't, Mommy? asking. Then I'm going to steer it back to ER because that's what I'm mainly interested in.

The first time I was ever on a professional film set, aside from commercials, of course, which are professional film sets. Very professional. I had made a couple of fun commercials with an exceptional filmmaker, by the way, by the name of Chris Smith. And I'd love to discuss Chris's work. We could do a whole podcast about Chris's film, American movie. Sounds less interesting than the ER thing, but I don't know. I do love American movie. American movie is a masterpiece. So. So we're filming this sequence in which I'm walking my dog on what is not a date with my friend in Lincoln Park. And we come across a woman, her husband, and their child in the throes of a medical emergency. I'm really glad we actually have a healthcare professional on the show today.

We might be able to discuss and dissect this. But the child was in the midst of a epileptic seizure. And the mother played by Oscar winner Angela Bassett. Of course. Was yelling for help while her incredible husband, who's also a fantastic actor, Courtney B. Vance, was trying to get them help. And I say, should I call 911? And they don't respond to me. So I'm kind of a little bit out of frame.

Because they don't have lines to respond to you? They're just. They're just. They're so caught up in their own world. And she's a doctor. She is a medical professional. Of course. she doesn't need.

And your character knows this and that's why you're doing. Normally I would just call the 911. This character. Your character's hesitant. This character wanted residuals, wanted to be seen delivering lines on camera so that he would get a title as a co-star. But it was, it was interesting. I was doing a play nearby in Lincoln Park.

Lincoln Park is just an integral part of my life story. I went to college at DePaul University, which is in Lincoln Park. I used to spend my free time wandering the free Lincoln Park Zoo. I spent a chapter of my life not being facetious, a homeless in which I lived in a car that was parked in the Lincoln Park and would live in the Lincoln Park Zoo. Wow. So the connections there. I was doing a play near there. And I remember walking when we rapped to go back to set.

But here's the best part of that story. This was in 2008. Yes, in the fall of 2008. I believe it was season 12. It was season 12. And it was directed by David. David Z. Come on.

He's gone on to make all of the Walking Dead shows, which is really interesting. A lot of people wouldn't like this amount of detail, but for an ER fanatic like myself, who just rewatched all 15 seasons, I am loving it. Are you a political, do you get excited about political stuff? Yeah. Sure. So I'm in Lincoln Park. and we're going to shoot this scene where I'm walking a dog and I see Angel Bassett.

And my trailer was next to Angela Bassett. And I'm a big fan of Angela Bassett who is. And she was standing there. And she was there with a friend and some kids. And I wanted to say something to her. But she was very nice to me. We're standing next to each other. Me, Angela Bassett, her friend and their kids.

And I wasn't really paying attention to anything because I was so overwhelmed. It was only the second time in my life. I'd been on a professional set. I was very nervous. And there was like security detail everywhere. like guys in suits with earpieces. I was like, Angela Bassett won an Academy Award.

She warrants this amount of security? Intense. I was just, what is, what is Clooney back for a surprise guest? Oh, that would be amazing. You say, should I call 911? And then George Clooney grabs your phone and goes, I'll do it.

I'll do it. So I'm standing there and people are running to us, running to us. And the security is, I was like, wow, Angela Bass, it's a big kid. And then I realized as I looked to the woman who was her friend who was next to me, it was Michelle Obama. And the election was days away.

Days away. And they were in Chicago getting ready for the big name. And she visits the ER set on her way to the election. Well, she had heard about this young actor, up and comer, who'd only been in one professional project before. Who had, by all accounts, one line? The future of the car? Well, one line is one way to look.

at it. Sure. Sure. The other way to look at it is it didn't have all the other lines. Thousands of moments. Yeah. So many choices in that one line. It's amazing. Yes. ER. I mean, the pit tries to take all the credit nowadays. We who were on ER, no, especially if you were a co-star like me and you only had one line. That the detail that they put into that show, the way someone would say, should I call 911? You just... How many takes did you end up doing? I got to do two takes.

Two takes. That's good. I got to do two. And he was like, good job, good job. They're moving on. And I was like, two takes, though, if you're like me, you get two takes, you go, did I fuck it up? Or did I do it so good that they only needed two? All I think is did I.

Or I don't think did I. I go, oh, I fuck that. And they, and they, it's a hopeless case. I'm never getting a residual. Yeah. I'm never getting a credit. Were you, did you, did you watch it on Thursday nights at 10 p.m.? saying, I hope they didn't cut my line out.

Well, being in the Midwest, it was on it. Nine p.m. Even though we were technically part of the year two time zones away, I don't know how that math works and I'll never figure out. I also don't understand how TV works to explain the way my brain comp to place these things. So an entire episode of ER will pass, which it still does. I'm still watching 9 p.m. Thursday night ERs.

And I go, how is this working? And then the show goes by. And then it goes by and then it's gone. and then you're like, oh, wait a minute. Did I get my line in, though? Do I get a residual? How much if, and by the way, you can call your accountant. I've had guests do this during the show.

You can call your accountant if you like. I'd say about $7,000. $7,000 total over the last 15 years. Since 2008. Yeah, 17 years. So, yeah, yeah. So seven total, you think. How much on the day?

How much? On the day was like $800. Okay. And then in the years since there's, It started with like... You probably get 800 again. 800, but then it's worked its way down. And it goes all the way down.

Nowadays, I could over like several years, you know, it's, it'll say three cents, 27 cents, 16 cents. Still for one line on ER? Who's going to complain? And I gave an opportunity for the future First Lady of the United States, one of the most important people in American history to get to be graced with the magical way in which I was delivering the line. You think she watched your take? I know she did as a matter of fact In fact when I walked back to my set

The kids her daughters who were very young at the time Yes They were all like They gave you a thumbs up By the way I had to translate that for the listener They gave you a thumbs up A visual medium And you're sure that wasn't to your now good friend

Who you were Wanted to insist Grace Rex I hope you're listening to this I doubtly she is now on She recurs on the show Severin. She's a phenomenal actor. We've made lots of fun things together. You know, they go to those dinner parties. I forget the name of the character, but they go to the... I haven't seen it.

Adam's one of my closest friends. And you haven't watched his show? No. Because he's so, he's always like, oh, I'm on this show Severance. I love being on this show Severance. I'm just like, he just rubs it in your face. You know what I mean? Now, I'm off her only. And so I don't get the kind of opportunities that he, you know, begs and scrapes his knees to try to get, you know what I mean? So, like, I'll, I just take whatever, whatever, uh, you know, comes my way. He auditioned 76 times for Ben Stiller for that role. He did. 76 times. Exactly. And Ben Stiller had him like doing lines from Meet the Parents together just to see how he would roll with it. He's like, I have, I have nipples, Adam Scott. Can you milk me? It was,

it's crazy stories. So I refuse to watch the show, but I'm glad that she's on that. And I do need to introduce you because I haven't even said your name yet. And that's going to be an incredible treat for the audience. Here's your test. Let's hear it, Scott. Here we go. He has a new graphic novel out right now called Through. Please welcome David DeSmolchin. That was perfect. Perfect. That was perfect. Thank you so much. That was the best pronunciation of my last name. I've heard in a very, very long time. I want to give you flowers right now. Thank you very much. I watch several YouTube videos. That's really nice. That's the kind of attention to detail that you get from a comedy bang bang. But that feels good because sometimes when

people don't and I'm not here to like you know criticize but I do think if you have someone as a guest on your show it would probably be nice to know how to say their name it would and there there have there been maybe 50% of the time when I forget to even think about it and then in the moment I'm introducing them and realize I have no idea how to say it sure yeah but with you I wanted to take the time and prepare because you're our guest of honor thank you that's right welcome to the one-timers club I appreciate it it's great for to be here I I've been a fan of yours for a very long time. And I, as a matter of fact,

spent some time on the set when you were doing the show on camera. Yes, you were telling me you, you painted some of the mural behind Kid Cuddy's. My, my, my, uh, my,

uh, partner person who, with whom I've made children, um, was, and yes, she was, she was,

she is a phenomenal, um, muralist and our dear friend Katie Birmingham, who's a phenomenal production designer and was working with you for a long time. Yes. She redesigned the entire set when Kid Cuddy came in. And it sounds to me like, how. And so she said to Eve, like, do you want to do a mural and Eve did a mural?

So I was helping bring the paints and I was helping make deliveries. I think some of it is right up there on that. It sure is. I saw it when I walked in. Yeah. There it is. There it is, and it turned out glorious. Yes, you can sign it, although taking it out of that frame would be an issue.

So forget it. So my contribution was bringing, helping deliver paints and snacks and coming while she was working. Oh, wait, you didn't actually paint anything? I didn't actually put the paint on the wall. Now, you walked in here, all big and said, I helped paint your thing. You brought snacks? I think I said I helped with your mural. I helped get that year.

But here's the thing. Katie, production designed a film that I wrote and produced. And if I hadn't hired her for that, then she wouldn't have known to bring this brilliant muralist on to your show. So in a sense, I'm kind of to thank for the success of what comedy Bang Bang has been and has become. Thank you so much. I feel like I should have a producing credit. I appreciate. I have an attorney that's going to be reaching out.

That's okay. I don't need to talk to that. That's an off-mic conversation. David, so wonderful to have you on the show. I've been such a fan of your work through the years, ever since that fateful ER episode. Thank you. Michelle Obama and I.

That's almost where it all began. Mm-hmm. And you're an incredible actor, but what I've heard about and yet had not experienced up till now is you are also a writer of the graphic novel medium. Thank you. I didn't compliment you. No, you just. something that to have that in my title that that's on my like CV now like you are a writer

you are a writer of graphic novels you it is produced you've also written some other ones previous to this but you have a new graphic novel approximately how many pages are we talking is this 64 is it 108 through is 100 it was supposed to be a 120 okay and I believe when I first delivered it turned at 132 and then I needed more right before we went to print, I reread it and had a crisis of conscience and I asked if I could get more. More pages. More pages. And Z2, my amazing editor, uh, Rants at Z2 and publisher and head of the company, Josh, they,

they, they were like, David, we're literally sending the proof right now to printing. And I was like, I know guys, but I can't end it this way. And they let me add another. So I believe it lands at 136. Wow. They had agreed to 120. Wow. We made it to 1.30.

And did. the artist was cool with it. Who is it? By the way, the art is phenomenal. Who is the artist? Cat Stags. Cat Stags has done work for all the big dogs in town. But when I was getting ready to make the book and Z2 had gotten on board, we were just looking at different artists and I had different criteria that I was looking for.

And Rance had suggested Cat and I had already been a fan, so looked at through her stuff and reached out. and she liked the script enough to agree to want to embark on such a long journey. It sounds to me like it was around 130 somewhat pages or so. Yeah. I mean, that's the data that I received. A lot of pages. And our friend David Mack does the cover to it. Genius.

This is a beautiful, beautiful book. Thank you. And do you want to describe the plotter? I'd love to. So I'm going to bring it all back around. All right. First of all, I'm speaking. Does it have anything to do with this ER?

For those who are watching, it does connect to ER. You ready? So I'm looking at Scott's beautiful blue eyes. Over his right shoulder is a photograph of Michelle Obama, who is looking at me in a frame picture. Michelle and Michelle is the star of that photo. And she's literally smiling at me over Scott's shoulder as I'm telling this story. And to full circle the moment even more, the story of through begins on a very cold morning in Lincoln, As our hero Alex jogs through Lincoln Park literally right, the setting of the opening of this book is right where I shot that scene in ER.

Did you think about adding any dialogue like a little tiny speech bubble? Are you ready? Say like, should I call 911? I know you're trying, you're making a joke. Did you really? And I know this is a comedy show. But I think these moments in life in the universe are kind of magical. So Alex is the hero of my story.

and she is a freshman in college. She is an orphan. She is the basically penultimate kind of ideal of an individual who has just done it all on their own. She has basically raised herself. She's top of her class. She's full scholarship. She's so intelligent. She's so driven.

Type A personality. Some would say Taipei. Sure. I mean, I just did. She works until four in the morning on her schoolwork and then goes running because she pushes her body, her brain to the extreme limits because she believes she's capable, but she has to push herself and she can rely on no one because that's the lesson life has taught her at this point in her journey. And she goes for her early morning run in a very frigid cold Chicago morning.

She runs right past the spot where the very famous sequence in ER, which Angela Bassett was trying to heal her son in the midst of a terrible seizure. And Sasha and Malia. Yes. Thumbs up. serving thumbs-upping. So Alex runs out. And for those who have spent any time on the Chicago waterfront or know what that area

around the Fullerton exit near Lakeshore Drive looks like there are these big wooden posts that extend out of the edge of Lake Michigan. And Alex is jumping from post to post. Why? It's a ridiculous and horrible idea, especially when it's freezing cold out. She slips, falls, busts her leg, and descends into a freezing cold. Lake Michigan when suddenly a mysterious man who she's never seen before who looks like he probably may be unhoused, reaches into the water, pulls her out, even though she was starting to really feel

at peace as she descended below the surface. They say that it's the most euphoric way to die. calming feeling way to go. Yeah. He pulls her out, pulls her up onto the to the sidewalk. It's freezing cold. This old man has a stroke and he goes unconscious. Alex is, laying there barely conscious and a couple of passers by. Are they just friends? Walking by say they're just friends. They're just on a morning walk. But one of them might think that it might be morning. And one of them says, should I call nine one? Really? You put it in there. So I didn't even notice it. I and here I am an ER fanatic and I did not even notice it when I read the graphic novel. That's how deep I was into this story. Coming into today's experience and based

on the research that you did into the correct pronunciation of my last name, I would have said Scott Ockerman is someone who definitely cares about the details. And now my theory has been challenged. So Alex wakes up in the hospital, in the ER, if you will, in a Chicago ER. You know I will. And she is, she's greeted by a police officer, a detective who says, glad you're okay. Is this the one who's married to, uh, uh, uh, what's it, Susan? Yeah, you know. It's all connected. And he says, your leg is broke.

Are you okay? And how do you know Joseph? She said, who's Joseph? She said, the man who rescued you. How do you know, what's his relationship? Is a grandparent? Something. She says, I've never seen that man before in my life.

And he says, what? And she says, why? His pockets, this man who had pulled her out of the water, this seemingly unhoused stranger who collapsed and is now in the ICU, in a coma, had pockets filled with little maps and little details and little notes just totally covering every detail of Alex's daily life, where she lived, where she went, what she did all day, her past. And Alex is like, totally freaked out. Why is this old man stalking me?

Why did he save me? How does he know so much about me? And since no one seems willing to help her and since the lesson of her life is do shit for yourself, she decides to go figure out where this man lived, considering he's now in the hospital and he doesn't have any family that's come to claim him. And she breaks into his little studio apartment. I want to stop you right here. Stop me. I feel like this is the hook. You ready? Here it is. Here it is. I'm giving this. She breaks into this little apartment in Lincoln Park near the Lincoln Park Zoo, near Lincoln Park where the ER was filmed. And she spend your free time where I live in the car.

And she breaks into this apartment in the middle of the night and discovers what looks like a hoarder's apartment. And there's a little work desk and a little work desk and a little. And a little. lifetime of work that's never been seen by any other human eye besides hers. And that work has been completely dedicated to Alex's life. And through that work, she enters a portal to another realm, completely designed for her. Why? What's this about? What is the mystery? What is his connection to her? That's for you to read? That's for you to read, me to know, and you to find out. And Scott to remember. Thank you. For the rest of my days. Yeah. I hope my book, makes it, by the way, for those who can't see, and that's all of you.

I think some people can see. You're listening to this, but I would hope. Oh, I, I, I, I mean, my actual place. Okay. Graphic novel collection. Yes, it is not. If I can make it on the shelf, I'd be very happy. All you have to do is send it to me, and along with a small stipend for placement.

You got it. I'll give you good placement. That's fair. This is a fantastic graphic novel. This is a magnum opus, some might say. it's over 130 pages, others might say, and it's available not only in comic retailers, but also I would imagine bookstores as well.

Book retailers nationwide, because it's published as a graphic novel that most of what I've put out has come as single issues, which then eventually get released in, if you're lucky, trade form. This is now available. And, you know, your local borders

or Barnes & Noble's, what is still like, yeah. Who knows where people read books? Rainy Day Books. Yes. Anybody remember rainy day books? No, that's all right. But it's out there right now.

How much are we retailing for? You can buy the standard edition at $29. MSRP? MSRP. Okay, very good. You can also get the deluxe edition, which comes with a really special, beautiful slipcase cover, and it has additional art pieces at 69. Hell yeah.

There is a artist's exclusive, which has, we designed these like morning prompt cards and I'm really proud of them actually part of this book the magic of the universe or whatever you want to call it is like I came up with the idea for this book before I was shooting that ER episode like in like 2006 I was really fast I was I had gotten clean I was in Chicago I didn't think I would ever act again because I just didn't I didn't imagine that like I'd be able to do what this this this line of work without like relapsing to be honest because it's just going to be so stressful. And so I had been contentedly learning a new trade, which was I was a writing copy for telemarketing and working in

telemarketing. And I was reading comic books constantly. And I was doing writing. I decided like writing is a safer place for me to, even if I never put it out in the world, it helps me feel like I can be productive and creative and use, you know, my love of story. And I would go to the, the MCA in Chicago constantly because they had these free. days that you could go. All the museums in Chicago have a free day that you could go each week. And there was this fascinating artist named Henry Darger. They'd found all of this work in his apartment in Lincoln Park. And he had been a janitor who never spoke to anyone. And when he passed away and the landlord came into his apartment to clear everything out, they found a lifetime of

incredible work that they were like, how did this guy never share this with anybody? I mean, this is like it's insane. It's thousands and thousands of pages of a story on par with Alice in Wonderland or The Wizard of Oz with all this insane artwork and collage work. And I was like, who does that? Who works in that kind of secrecy? And what kind of magic does that concoct? Like, what could you do with that kind of focus? And that's where this story started to originate. And the years and the years and the years and the years and the years go by. And I put together this whole idea. And I pitched it to a couple of different publishing companies and the one that seemed the most excited about it

and wanted to go forward with it was Z2 publishing and they had such an just they seemed to like really get it. They knew what I was trying to accomplish and it timed up with because when you write when you come up with a neat idea for a story like oh here's a person that falls into this alternate reality and here's this other realm and all that stuff is cool

and it's interesting but I don't think it's enough to keep people turning the pages like now the world building is fun The world building is fun, but what's the engine? Yes. What is the heart? What is the pulsing blood underneath the thing that makes it breathe, that makes it alive? And for me, it was, so maybe I'm not Alex.

Maybe I'm not the exact same person. I'm not what you would describe as a type A, but I do have this sense and I fought it for years. And I think it's why I turned to drugs and alcohol. And then after that, like, relationship dependency and people dependency and all this control, controlling the world around me has always felt like a safe way to keep myself from having to experience the potential of the things that scare me the most. So if I could control all of the pieces, which is a fool's errand in this life because you

just can't. But it gives you this false illusion of security. I was having a life collision moment right the same time that Z2 goes, hey, we want you to write your book. We're ready. Give it a script because we want you to meet this artist. I was like, I'm going through something right now. My brain is melting and I'm just my life feels like it's falling apart.

I don't know how to like make it through another day. And it was, it was beautiful. It gave me an, I don't believe in artist therapy. It's not what I'm saying, but I did happen to write this book while I was learning a whole shit ton about myself and like my relinquishment of control. And also, I thought that I understood what it meant to ask other people for help because I have actually asked others for help in my life, but never to a degree that I actually really meant it.

I think I went through the motions of asking people for help, but I always still maintained and retained a great deal of like the leash that I can hold on to. When you actually let go and you go, okay, I really can't do this. I need, I need help. And that's what if Alex can't learn to do in this book, she will die. It's a fascinating book and it's an emotional story and one that sounds like David, you came out the other side in a better place after writing. listeners are going, I thought I tuned into comedy bang bang. This is a joke downer. Let me assure the listeners you have turned into comedy bang bang.

Thank you guys. Thanks for indulging. This, of course, is the show where we talk to interesting people and you are an interesting. It's also humanities podcast. It's also the Animal Kingdoms podcast, certainly. And I count you amongst humanity, of course. One of the animals.

All conversations are welcome here, Comedy Bang, Bang. I will say we're coming up on a break. Can you stick around, though, David? I'm here. Contrary to popular opinion, I don't have a very busy schedule. I'll be here today all day. I've actually moved in. Scott's allowed me to go through his library. Are those my glasses?

Yeah. Put them down. David's put on my glasses for some reason. We're going to be right back. We have a health care professional. We also have someone in the automotive industry. This is a fascinating episode of Comedy Bang Bang. We're going to be right back with more.

David Desmouchon. We'll be right back after this. Comedy Bang Bang, Bang, we're back. David DeSmaltun is here, of course, of fame and fortune stage screen, and now The Page. And do you have, we talked a lot about your graphic novel. Do you have any films or TV shows coming up that, are you going to be on the pit? I know it would be weird for that character to have moved to Pittsburgh, but I mean, I can see. It's not weird at all.

He gets rejected by the girl that he's, he thinks he's more than friends with as he's walking his, do they own a dog together? The choice that we had to make was, I guess it's her dog and I'm just the friend that is. The friend who's like, oh, I'll go for a walk. Yeah, sure. This guy's pathetic.

I know. I'll buy the coffees. He gets rejected by her. Yes. And then he goes like, I got, what else do I have? Let me just move to the pit.

I'm going to the pit. Going to the pit. And then someone, outside the pit, you know, pit fest happens or something like that. There's an active shoot or whatever. And he's, this guy is like, oh, I have experience doing this. Should I call? I should call. I should. Instead of making it a question, he's evolved now. No more. Although, yeah, I think my, the most interesting people are those who ask a question and don't deliver a statement. And I wish that he hadn't. But he needs his crescendo moment. And I think that it's not like you're angling for a, for a major like, you know, like, you know, starring role.

on an episode or anything like this, you know, although you certainly deserve one, but I think it would be, I think it would be fascinating just to have you, your character just run by and call 911 and everyone kind of go, was that David? I want to be on Gray's Anatomy, the pit, all of them. I want to be the, you're the 911 guy. Can I still be, can I still be labeled as young man, though? That's the big question. We have a medical professional, though, correct? We do. We need to get to our next guest. And let's welcome them. Uh, she's, She's a healthcare professional, actually. Please welcome to the show, Didi.

Hi, hi, hello. Hi, so great to meet you. So good to meet you. This is David. Hi, David. Hi, David. Hi, David. I'm Dedy. Dedy.

Wonderful to have you. Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. I am, of course, a health care professional. I am a... In what area do you work? So I am a Disney Dula. Disney Dula.

I am a Disney Dula. I don't think I've ever heard those two words... Together? Yeah. I mean, obviously, I... I've heard of Disney. They bought Star Wars. Yes, of course.

And doulas, they help deliver babies. Help deliver babies. What exactly is a Disney doula? So a Disney doula is for women, and there are many who want to give birth at Disneyland. So I help women who it is in their birth plan to give birth on either the haunted mansion or Indiana Jones or any of these places that, you know, a little girl dreams about when she dreams about. giving birth. How interesting. So, so these, these women have dreams of giving birth. Does that give them like Disneyland citizenship or? Yes. So, um, that is something that we are beta testing right now. Um, because this is all, you know, it's been in beta, but we are launching. When you say it's been in beta,

what do you mean? You, you haven't, you haven't done this yet? So there are, there are a bunch, I would say dozens of brave, brave women who have been under. my care. I've been doing this for a few months and then we're ready to go public. When you say under your care, are you taking them to Disneyland or are you? I am taking them to Disneyland. Yes, they are under my care, meaning they are under my parkhopper reservation, right? So they are coming with me. They are coming on the ride that they want to get birth on. And I help them through the process. And, you know, I do a lot of things for them leading up to the birth as well. You know, I do Lamas classes at,

the Tower of Terror, hence now known as the Guardians of the Galaxy. Yes. It goes up and down, though, and that part stays the same. I would worry that if I were pregnant on the Guardians of the Galaxy ride, that it would go down really quickly and the baby would, like, get forced back up into my stomach. That is something that's not a doctor. Scott, babies don't come from the stomach. They don't come from the, where do they come from?

I don't want to talk about it. Draw me a picture. Okay. I know you're not a artist. I'll make a graphic novel. for you. Yes, make a graphic novel. We could use some literature, actually, so maybe I will hit you up. But they could put a whole new spin on Splash Mountain if your water broke while you're on the ride. I really am excited about this. This is beautiful work you're doing. I would think you'd want the water to break in line, right? So that by the time you get on the ride, you're having a baby. You could cut in line. You could be like water breaking. We need to, you don't want to have a lightning pass. Doesn't matter. Yes, ideally. Yeah, we try and get the women who are almost where it seems like water's about to break. We try and get them in the fast pass line.

So then that on the ride, they can have that big magical moment. And ideally, the photo takes the second. That would be the dream, right? At the moment that the photo is taken. The only place I think I would be comfortable doing it would be, and I have not. I don't have to give birth. I have the easy part of that equation. But if I did, the fun part.

I would do it on, it's a small world. Oh, it's a small world. We had a woman give birth on. It's a small world. Do they have citizenship of whatever country they're in on It's a Small World? It's, they, they, I hope so. So like if you're in Switzerland or whatever. Yeah, boy.

Gosh, I mean, we need to get in touch with the local governments. That's something that we're still working out before the launch. Because I consider it's a small world to be an embassy of each of the countries that whenever you go into a different room, you're, you're on, you know, British soil. Right, right, right. In a way, you know, and the women who have picked it's a small world have one. have wanted to, you know, experience different things for their baby as soon as it comes out. You know, they want the baby to be cultured.

To be cultured. If they want them to be cultured, they should definitely be doing it then on Pirates of the Caribbean. Because I feel like that is a wonderful place to give birth. How many, I have to ask, D.D., how many babies have you actually delivered? Because I hear you're in beta testing. You've not been incredibly specific yet. Yes. So, okay, so in the beta round, we have had 12 incredible women.

A Disney dozen, and they have each delivered babies on the Big 12 rides in Disneyland. The Big 12, what are we talking? The Big 12, of course, are. Let's hear it. Yes. I'm not sure why you picked such a large number, but let's hear it. I love that number. I love the number 12.

And it's 12 because it's true. Pirates of the Caribbean Haunted Mansion. There is, of course, Tower of Terror. Oh, yeah. Then, of course, we do the haunted note. For somebody who goes to Disneyland a lot, you don't seem to be able to come up with a lot of the rides. So there are more. I just, I'm a scoundered.

You talk about your character is type A. I am type freaking C, okay? I'm all over the place. Okay. But nonetheless, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Peter Pan. That's one of the big 12? Yes. Now, I would not want to see a baby on that because they end up in hell at the end.

That ride is wild. Yes. We had a aptly titled. Well, the woman who gave birth on that ride, she was number six. And she, she was a goth. So she said she wanted something sick and twisted for her birth. She wanted to be, you know, around Mickey, but something that was sort of like that. But she didn't want to do it on the haunted mansion.

She wanted to go into Mr. Toadswilds. No, she was scared of the Honovitch. Oh, okay, she's a goth, Frady cat. She's a goth, frady cat. So she wanted to grapple with, you know, mortality. And, yeah, where do we go after we got? Can you imagine getting on the Nemo ride? They lock you into that submarine.

By the way, now it's defining Dory. Finding Dory, okay, sure. Yeah, we're hoping that's. So you were down there. You're going underwater because it used to be the 10,000 leagues under the seat. Now it's the Nemo. I thought you meant Captain Nemo. Captain, okay.

But it is finding Nimo ride. That's confusing, right? They lock you into the submarine. You're submerged underwater. They lock you in. It's air sealed. It has to be. You're underwater.

I can imagine someone could get out. And then all of a sudden, someone goes into live childbirth. Oh. It's a tight space. And there's no ventilation. The smell is strong. It's a little musty down there. Yeah.

No, you got a triple pinky swear that you are not a claustrophobe before you get in there. Does that work? The triple pinky swear? Yep. most women do abide by the triple think you say. I found that to be true. I have found that to be, you know, it's sort of a thing of like, it is an honor system. Mm-hmm.

But if you make someone go through the step of like questioning their own character, they're like, yeah, I think I'm not going to lie. Right. What's the most popular ride, if you can name another ride? What's the most popular one? Oh, and I can. I think I can name at least eight. You know what cars would be exciting. Oh, cars would be very exciting.

You better not let go of that baby. Are you catching the baby down there? Is the dola, I forget, or do you actually bring someone in to deliver? So, yeah, so dola does all of that. Yes. So the most popular ride is you hit the nail on the head, actually. It is the car ride. People love those dang cars.

They love it. They love lightning queen. It's a great ride. It's a great ride. It's a great ride. If you go in one direction, you end up getting a paint job. and if you go in the other direction, you end up doing something else.

Isn't that fascinating? It is fascinating. I would worry about the Indiana Jones, right, because that big boulder would, like, crush the baby, I would think. Yeah, and the girl who took that, number eight, she was a freak. She was a freak, really?

She was an absolute freak. In what manner? In, oh my gosh, hair stuck up straight, like Einstein. Like young Einstein? Like young Einstein just discovered an experiment. Yahoo! Serious? These are references to something I'm sure you don't.

You're a young woman. I am a young woman. Do you know who Yahoo Sirius happens to be Australian comedian? Gosh, I wish I did. I wish I did. I wish I did. I want to connect with you on this. It was the more kid-friendly, you know.

Paul Hogan. It was Paul Hogan. But Paul Hogan was pretty kid-friendly too, but like the more science-y Paul Hogan, I guess. If you watch that Crocodile Dundee. Boy, did that not age well? Yeah. I recently revisited that one. Got some interesting stuff in there.

Although they're putting out a cut that edits all of that out. That's great. Good for them. Good for them. Good for the Crocodile Dundee family. Good for them. Yeah. But I, you know, and I have this whole.

I'm sorry, do you not want to talk about Crocodile Dundee or Yahoo series anymore? I thought we were on the Yahoo Sirius. You just keep swearing it. No, no, I love it. I love it. And I'm an empath. And I want to hear about it. I want to connect with you.

You talk about what you want to talk. Dula on the Dumbo ride. So the Rocket one is another. one, another big popular. The rocket one. The rocket one. You're talking about Space Mountain. So it's in, no, but that is never-in. You talk about the big. I'm talking about Tomorrowland. I'm talking about tomorrow land. And another one is the Goofy, Goofy's big tune in Tudown, the, the coaster in Tudown. There's been lots of women who seems like you would have like actually read some of these signs if you've been in Disneyland so many times. As often as you are. I'm not, I'm not reading

the signs as much, because I'm busy living in the moment. What is the, what is the, what is the, what is the, what is the, the food item? most craved by pregnant women at Disney. Oh, lots of women, they scream for churros. Churros, yeah. Churros making more profit for the company Disney right now than all of their streaming. I've read this. Yes. Wow.

Wow. Yes. We know that we have a monster product. We know who's carrying the economy of this country. Exactly. Mm-hmm. Exactly. Yeah.

So I just want to let, you know, the launch is approaching. Oh, I'm sorry. The launch is approaching. Meaning, so you've been in beta and you have. have these women have given births successfully yes these 12 women they have done it the big 12 have given birth on each of the big 12 rides and why is that beta testing why do you not consider it to be actual i i hate to get bogged down the details that's a valid question so it's beta testing because we haven't told anybody about it we haven't told the disney preparation yes corporate we haven't

told we haven't told bob igger yes we have as disney have not told hold anybody that we're doing this. Oh, wait, you actually work for Disney. Oh, yes. Under his eye. I thought you were, I thought you were just a person who was... She's the Or Disney Doola. You thought I was a kooky character, kooky neighbor.

No, no, I mean, every... Look, I got to be honest. This is a crazy show. Every once in a while, we get, like, real weirdos on this show. Yeah, you never know. I thought you were some, like, you know, person who had nothing to do with Disney who just shows up at the park. You're from Disney.

No, no, no, no. This is a real thing. Disney knows about this. The mouse is aware. And so when we said Disney didn't know anything about this, that was wrong. Disney actually is aware. So, and I don't know if I would have said that. I don't know if we need to.

Who knows? Who knows why anyone says anything? Maybe we'll check back the tape. Sure. But so Disney is aware of this. We're ready to do the rollout. What do you have planned for the big rollout? So the big rollout, we're doing big Super Bowl ads.

Whoa, for next year. For next year, we want to get a lot of babies born in Disney. because we think it'd be really fun to do. So you want people to have sex during the Super Bowl to get pregnant so that they can have their babies by late 2027. Yes, we'd like for it to be, ideally we'd like for those babies to be arriving sort of when we put the Christmas decoration up. Just in time for the Yogi Boogie Bougy bash.

Yes, that's right. That's exciting. Yes. I love that. You know the Yogi Boogie Bash. Yes, of course. Of course. I know all of this.

Mm-hmm. From the movie. Oh, don't make me say it a night. Night to remember. Oh, so close. I thought it was a night to remember. It will always be a night to remember. The first time I saw that film will always be a night to remember.

That's right. It's a Saturday morning. Gosh, it's a good movie. It really is. Classic. Yeah, so we're hoping those babies arrive when we put the Christmas lights up, Christmas parade and all that. So we can have a lot of Christmas babies being born at Disney.

We just think it's really fun. We at Disney have done a lot. Now, are you worried about any of the babies, you know, it may not be the optimal place or the most hygienic place, you know, like that Splash Mountain. Honestly, that water is recirculated. How many times throughout the day? Oh, 100 times. 100 times, really? 100 times.

And, you know, it is, of course there's people. There's going to be doubters. There's going to be doubters out there. Of course there's people. Of course there's people. Well, there's people. And they're going to be seeding seeds of doubt. They're going to be saying, you know, Mickey Mouse is not an OBGYN. Don't make him do this.

They're going to be saying things like that. D.D. We're talking about the haters right now. We're talking about the haters, haters and losers, if I may swear. Haters and losers who want people not to become the coolest, most awesome version of themselves. How awesome would that be? Because you know Six Flags is pitching the whole Death Duela thing right now. Oh, no. If your loved one is about to pass, you go to Six Flags.

You can get on any of the major rides, and they will help with the pass. But I don't want to steal your thunder. Sorry, go back. Wow. So they're doing me. I'm doing the opposite of what you're doing. And they, and do you know, can I, can I talk to you for a second? Do you want me to leave?

No, no. It's okay. I'll just, I'll just talk directly to you for a second. Please. Have you, have you already rolled this out? Have they already launched this? As far as I know. Oh, my God.

they've had the six. How many people have died? The six flags, 16 is what I heard. The six flag six big rides. The 16 big rides at six flags. Yeah. Oh, shoot. Yeah. Okay. Well, we're going to. Down at Knottesbury Farms, if you're an animal, your pet, your loved, the loved family pet is ready to go. Really? They'll do that and serve it as fried chicken. That's just the way it goes. Wow. All right. Well, I'd like to see Knott'sberry Farm give birth with all that jam laying around to be a huge. In position. We wouldn't want to get things mixed up in that department. No, the placenta.

That would be gross. Yeah. It would be so confusing for everyone. No, this is way better. This makes sense. How cool would it be to be like, you know where I was born? Disney. People always go, ooh, what hospital?

Is it Cedars? It's happened. It's happened. It's happened. It's happened. Like, how many babies have been born prior to your initiative? Oh, prior. The unregulated babies.

Yes, the unregated. How many babies have been born? We've had over the course of Disneyland's history. Since 1955. Since 1955. I think we, well, we've had somewhere around 30 babies being born. 30 babies. Now it's been 70 years.

So that's about one every two years or so, two and a half years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they, you know, and they have not wanted to make this super public. They've not wanted to like, these are not, these are sort of, can I say this, accidents. Yes. It's sort of a. This is people who did not want to give birth at Disneyland. They were just trying to fit one last vacation in there.

July 4th, 1979. The first baby was born at Disneyland. Really? And if it was born in the Hall of Presidents, I would be like, that's wild. That would be crazy. And if they then grew up to be president. Wow. Whoa.

Wow. I mean, the history is just breathtaking when you really take a look at it. History really is. But so now you want people because attendance must be down, the economy being what it is. You actually want people to plan their births here at Disneyland. Yes, it's just another thing to be doing, you know? It's another thing to be doing. You're right.

When you think about life that way of like, I need more things to be doing. There is just something. You aren't you bored? Can I say something? And forgive me if this makes me canceled. Please, Dedy, please. A hospital is a boring place to give birth. I mean, it's a boring place.

It's also more like germ and bacteria infested than Disneyland itself. Exactly. You want to give birth around all. There's more medical risk probably in a hospital than at Disney. I mean, not. You don't want to be doing that. It's not boring if, you know, it's the show we are and there's complications with the pregnancy. I'm bringing it back to ER.

Of course, of course. That's usually a pretty exciting episode. It's a very exciting episode. No, but there's a lot of, and you know, you think that people don't think to do this, but there are so many women, so many millennial women out there who are, who grew up with Disney, who love Disney, who want these characters to be present during this moment. Of course. They want a Jasmine, you know?

Yes. Ariel. One woman, she was a bless her heart. She's a wonderful, wonderful woman. She is a CEO of a company that sells lotion. I'm telling you, I've said too much. But she... Is this Quineth Paltrow?

They sell rotissory chickens and lotion. I've said too much. You've said too much. But it is Gwyneth Paltrow. I cannot say that. That's probably the part that you said that is too much. I cannot say that. You said it out loud.

But I've said too much. Okay. But she, oh my gosh. Okay, so she gave birth. And the first person to ever hold her baby girl was goofy. Oh, that's. Wow. That's a beautiful thing.

Wow. Who wouldn't? Who wouldn't? She sobbed. Well, he's got those big, big gloves too. Like, I would imagine he'd be really good at the delivery, too. Yeah. Where's the baby?

That's exactly what he sounded like. Oh, take one. Golly. Oh my gosh. Were you in the room? You never do the goofy movie sequel. I should. I got screwed out of that casting.

I, every TV show has their going into labor episode. The Halloween episode. The Halloween episode and the going into labor episodes, those are my favorite. And I'll never forget the Mickey Mouse Club going into labor episode. That's right. That's right. When Annette Funicello just had triplets right there live, dropped on the floor like a litter of goofies. It is a magical moment.

Do you know who Annette Funicello is? Of course I do. Of course I do. Do you think I'm the last living person to know who she is? Beach, blanket, bingo. Frankie Avalon, let me tell you. I'm saying, you make it too. What about Cubby?

You're from the Mickey Mouse Club. Do you want to talk about Cubby at all? Oh, my gosh. Oh, my goodness. No, Cubby. If you get me talking about Cubby from the Mickey Mouse Club, we would be here all day. I was posting on my TikTok about Frankie Avalon just a bit ago. I'm 50.

Have you watched the Red Zeppelin documentary yet? Yes. Okay, good. Okay. Yeah. Everyone watches it on their 50th birthday, so I wanted to make sure. It's classic. I can't wait.

I can't wait for that to happen. Yeah. You'll get there. I just want to give a message to all the women out there. Please. This is your time. All the women. It is international women's month.

Yes. And in honor of international women's month. And in honor. From D.D. Exactly. In honor of international women's month, a message from me. Get out of the hospital, girlfriend. Get out of the hospital.

Get out of the hospital. And into that flume ride or. roller coaster or or get in the keep your hands arms feet and legs and baby for a little bit inside hold on your hats glasses and infants you don't need a wheelchair you need a safety bar that's right exactly get in there spice up your life ddd is your name short for disney dd dd i'm a dd too did you know that i'm david dismalch and you're dd i knew it this is all amazing well yes you you you you You knew I was trying to cover up. Disney doesn't.

So you're your heir to the Disney fortune? Yes. Your name is Disney Disney. I don't speak with my sister Abigail anymore. Understandably, of course. We'll strive within the family. All right. We need to take a break if that's okay.

Can you stick around? Yes. All right, fantastic. Because we have someone from the automotive industry coming up. So this is, we want to talk to everyone on this show. Speaking of cars. Cars, oh my gosh. This is coming from.

full circle. Maybe he's called 9-1-1 as well at some point. Mr. McQueen, here we go. Here we go. We're going to come right back with more Didi, more David DeMalchen. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang, David DeMalcant is here. Of course, his new graphic novel, Threw is out in stores right now, available from E-Talers and retailers everywhere. And it's around 130 pages, I'm told. Just a little over. A little bit over that. But don't let that scare you, kids. Step right up.

You'll fly right through it. Or if you're like my family, they'll say that look neat. It did look neat and it read neat as well. We also have D.D. here, aka Disney Disney Disney from the Disney Corporation. Any updates? Yes, I just got an exciting update over the break. Okay. A 13th woman has just given birth to twins on the Thunder Mountain Railway.

Big Thunder Mountain. Incredible. It is great news. And a mini mouse was there for all of it. For the catch-in. Okay, really? Yes. All right.

Yes, so we're very happy over at Disney. All right. Is there any ride you would say like, maybe we don't want him? Maybe we avoid, maybe we avoid, I remember there was a snow white one that was underwhelming. Oh, okay. So just for the aesthetic experience of it.

I don't like the vibe of it. Yeah. And I don't think a baby would like the vibe of it. That also was the one that back when I was a kid, they said that was the scary ride that you had. It was and it still kind of is. The Peter Pan ride. Oh,

I love those. Those are my favorite. Those ones. You can fly. You can fly. The Pinocchio is terrifying. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the thing about most of these rides at Disney are terrifying. Depending on the weather, you don't want to be having a baby on jungle cruise. It's been hot. Yeah. It's been hot. It can be tough. We're in a heat wave.

But there's some funny jokes on that jungle cruise ride. That's true. Yeah. There's a two can. What do you call three two cans? A six pack. It's a two can. That's right.

Mm-hmm. Well, we do need to get to our next guest. He works in the automotive industry. I don't know in what respects, but I'm sure by talking to him, we'll figure that out. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Lyle Vanity. Hi, Scott, David, Dede.D. How are you today? Doing really good. Hey, Lai.

Pleasure to be here. Amazing. Good to hear it. Yeah. It's so good to meet you. You, now, I don't know that much about you. I, forgive me. I read David's whole graphic novel, and yet I don't know.

know a lick about you. No, that's totally fine. You might not know much about me. Part of the reason why I'm here is to let people know what I'm up to. Standard talk show kind of thing. Like, you come on to a talk show to let people know what you're up to and then people then are informed and they can make decisions about whether they either go to your business or... Absolutely. And I tend to have a more high-end clientele. And so the average person might not have heard about my services. Are you saying that we are the average? Oh, not you, of course, but your listeners probably. I mean, we've got three.

And yet I have not heard of you. So. Well, that's because it's a well-kept secret. So it doesn't have anything to do with the high-end clientele delineation necessarily. Right. It might have more to do with the fact that this is a new business, and I'm still in the process of shaking hands and glad-handing. Glad-handed.

versioning businesses on the show today. That's true. It's exciting. It's breakout day. This is like shark tank. It feels as if business is back. It's back. Especially on comedy bang.

I certainly feel like that. Boom and the gas prices are just going way down. Everything is happening. It's exciting. Tell us about what you got going on. Well, so I'm sure the three of you here have had the experience of purchasing a car. Oh. It's, I have been lucky enough to purchase probably four or five cars in my.

my life. I tend to hold on to them. I'm no Jay Leno, certainly, but I tend to hold on to these cars for a bit of time. Successful man like you, what are you driving? A Mayback? A Lamborghini? I'm not a Mayback is, so maybe I'm not the high-end clientele that you, but, but, but a simple car. It's, uh, uh, you know, just a high-end BMW. Well, that, that's just in every man's vehicle. You know, I'm a regular, man of the people. Joe Plummer. The proletariat's four wheels. Well, that's perfect.

Those are the types of cars that I deal with all the time. And let me ask you, once you completed the purchase, you signed the paperwork. I had people do that for me, but go ahead. There was one more step that you probably took a man like yourself to customize your car a little bit, to put yourself out there. I'm not, I don't know what exactly you're referring. No car purchase is complete without a vanity license plate. Oh, okay. God, I love a good van.

I just saw one on my way here today. Yeah. Randy and Randy, R-N-D-Y-N-L-A. So I was like either his name's Randy or he's getting Randy in L.A. Oh, maybe both. He's up to a little trouble, you know what I mean? Adam Scott has one that says, me in sever. Me in sever.

That is a great example. Both of these are great examples of a way that a vanity license plate can communicate your identity to people when you're on the road. And that's what we want to do, right? Because we want, I mean, of course. I mean, you bought the high and B and W. But you've only got seven letters. Seven characters. Exactly.

And that's where I'm- It stresses me out, man. Yeah. But you help people. That's where I come in. Oh, wow. This sounds great. Skyman.

You've bought a high-end BMW. You're going down to the DMV to get your official license plate. And you probably asked them for something like Mr. Bang Bang. I did ask, you know, I said, can you give me something like a Mr. Bang Bang? And they probably said to you, well, sir, we'd love to give you Mr. Bang Bang. But as David pointed out, that's too many characters. Too many characters. Especially the way I spelled Mr.

which was M-I-S-T-E-R. Exactly. So you would then, if you're at the Beverly Hills DMV, which is where I'm stationed. You're stationed there. Wait, hold on. Lyle, do you work at the DMV? I don't work at the DMV. I'm working on my own accord. So you have a like a little pop-up outside? I suppose you could call it a kiosk of pop-up. That's like an ambulance chaser. Do you follow everyone off the lot with their brand-new vehicle? Well, that's sort of what I started with. Got it. The people at the DMV said that California State Lollap did not allow me to run a private business on DMV property.

Okay, so. So you have to walk over to the Pepsi vending machine. Located outside of the actual building? No, it's by the bathroom sort of if you go past the... I know the one you're talking. Oh, that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, if you go past where they have the computers for the driving...

The one that had Mr. Pibb for... It's got Sierra Mists, Mr. Pibb, Pepsi. It no longer has Sierra Mists. Now it has Starry, so. Pepsi's new soda. Yeah. Replacement for Sierra Mist. It's good, too.

Pib Extra is actually, there's a Pib Extra in there. There's a Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Cherry Pepsi, Starry soda. Starry, yeah. So is this the important part that you want people to remember or? Well, the important part is that I help you remove the letters, the extra letters from what you want to put on your vanity. Bang, bang. I see. So you, you're there as almost an...

editing service. Yes, a consultant, if you will. Okay, got it. And the vending machine part is important because that is how you find me. I am inside the vending machine, of course, because I'm not supposed to be out there conducting by business. Is this a fake vending machine that you... No, it's a real vending machine. I wake up at 4 a.m. every morning. I go down to the Pepsi factory. I get myself inside of a palette, and then when they go to replace the vending machine every day. I get myself in there. I have to say that you're you're sort of minimizing the details about get myself into a

palette because that's the part that I'm not really picturing. What do you? So a palette has. I know, I know what a palette is. No. Yes. So I have to remove some of the bottles from the palette. I see.

So I keep the bottles around me and I am, I'm in the middle of the palette. Oh, I see. So the, what is on the palette basically? the bottles on the palette, you put yourself into the delivery. Yes, so I have to displace some of the bottles so that there's room for my body. Okay.

I wear a reflective vest so that if someone were to inspect it, it would look like there were more bottles that there actually are. I see, so it was a mirrored vest so that I got it. Exactly. Then they, you know,

they take me down to the, I have to make sure to get into the palette that's actually going to the... How many times have you gotten into the wrong palette? I would say once a week I get into the... wrong palette because they don't have their their warehouse is a little bit confusing so i have it's it's certainly not my fault i mean i'm a high-end business man i'm cross my teased where do you

end up when you get on the wrong pallet well sometimes i'll end up at a uh a vending machine in uh the best western on franklin the one on franklin yes because there's only five Pepsi vending machines in los angeles that's right oh yeah you've been plucking these yeah that's right so i've been to all five of those vending machines. Of course. This is a new venture, so I've been doing this about three months. I've been the one vending machine that I usually end up as the DMV.

But the other four, I know them pretty well because I've ended up at each. How long does it take you to figure out you're in the wrong place? Well, when people approach the machine, they're supposed to do, they're supposed to do like a little knock. Right. So that, like, they're supposed to make it look like

There's a secret knock. I bet if they're at the Best Western, they're not looking for vanity license plates. They're looking for prophylactics or ice buckets. Exactly. So they're supposed to, you know, pretend like they're banging into the machine

to try to get a bottle to fall out. This is a, I have to say this is a bit of a complicated situation. They have to pretend as if they have tripped in like... Something stuck in there. They're, I'm trying to get my bottle. There's a series of taps.

In order to alert you to the fact that this is a... Exactly, right? So either they don't do that because they don't know about this because they're at a best restaurant. They're not looking to get a vated to license. Or someone actually ends up bumping into the machine. Right.

Their bottle got stuck because I'm in there and the gears are sort of. What happens when someone actually buys something? Does it hurt you? Because it's kind of spinning around what I assume of your arms. So there's sort of a series of claws and and. I love that kind of machines. I love those. Claws and gears.

It pulls it to the window. It drops down. There's machinery that moves. the bottles around and and this ends up scraping you and yeah pinching my penis this ain't your grandpa's pinching your what now

pinching my penis or my earlobe or another part of my body whatever is protruding out of your body at that particular moment yeah okay usually is the penis so that was the first thing I say I didn't mean to make anybody uncomfortable understandable no this is not uncomfortable

at all this comedy bang bang bang is a PG-13 podcast hard 13 hard 13 PG-13 PG-13 EG-13, that's a good abbreviation. So you can say, yeah.

Oh, yeah. So you're in, again, back to the abbreviations. Yes, that's right. Mr. Bang-Bang. Instead of talking about the process of actually obtaining your services. Of course. Well, let's get into what you would actually do in my situation. Okay, so you go, Mr. Bang-bang, they say, we can't do that.

That's too many characters. And I'm wrecked. You're gutted. I'm an emotional, just shell of a person. We were just ready to step into this identity, this new car, drive around on the road, let everybody know I'm here. Right. And now they're telling you, sorry, that's not going to work.

What do I do at that point? So you walk over to the- Okay, no, we know everything about walking over to the Pepsi machine, bumping into it, all that. You bump into it, so I know that you're there. Secret signal. On the keypad, you type in. There's more to this. Well, yes, the Pepsi machine has a keypad on it.

Okay. You type in what you were going to. Okay, I would have to type in Mr. Bang Bang. Now, you would be able to translate that somehow because with every number, there's three letters. So. Yes, so this is one of the more advanced Pepsi machines. Oh, okay. So it has 24.

A full 26? It has like a full keypad. 24. You said 24? Who are you? Jack Bauer? It has a full... I write.

I write. Good. You'll notice in your graphic novels that you don't use two letters. I never use the letter. It's hard because one of the one of them's a vowel. I was a letter E. Yeah, that's a vowel too. E.T, another good abbreviation.

That is a good one. E.T. New branding. E.T. P.N. H.M. Mm-hmm. E.T. P.H.M. That would be an excellent vanity license.

For him. For him? Not for you. No, of course. But for Scott. But for Scott. All right. So I've typed in Mr. Bang Bang.

Mr. Big Bang. What happens then? So then I basically figure out what you typed in based on what the machine starts doing with the bottles. And I go, okay, Mr. Bangor's a formula. So you've trained your body to know when it's poked and prodded in a certain way. That's right. And your penis is pinched several times. Depending how it's pinched, it might be an R, depending on how it's...

It's beautiful. It's kind of like Morse code. Yeah. It is sort of like Morse code. You know what Morse code is, by the way? Because the way you said that, by the way. It is. It is sort of like...

It is. Morse code. I swear. I swear it's like Morse code. I know Yahoo! Sirius. It's okay. We all know, we all know lots of things today.

We all know lots of things to that. Sure. We're all people of, of high intelligence. Exactly. And that's why you're coming to me. That's right. Okay.

So once you figure this out via the pokes, the prads, the penis pinches. Yes. Then I go, okay, Mr. Bang, I've got to remove some letters. And I charge by $5 per letter that I remove. Okay. Now I've come into you with a M-I-S-T-E-R, B-A-N-G, B-A-N-G. So let's see, that's five plus four is nine. That's about 13 letters. M-I-S-T, oh, it's 14 letters. 15 letters. 14 letters. So I have to

remove seven of those. So Mr. is easy. We're going to get rid of the I, the S, The T and the E. And just leave it like ER, but it's MR. That's right. Oh, gosh, it's going to be tempting for me not to just do ER. Do you think ER co-star fits? Oh, ER co-star, especially with a hyphen? Close. With the hyphen, though?

Now, if while you're doing this, you decide, wait, I don't want to be Mr. Bang-bang. You can enter a new thing if you change your mind. Wouldn't that be confusing to you? It would, and it would hurt a lot. What were they, the windbreakers? No. Win-talkers, the code breakers, the Morse code breaker. He's the wind talker.

He is, yeah. He's sort of an Alan Turing kind of guy in, in terms of like, I do feel like I do feel like I'm becoming one with this machine. I sort of, look, I got to admit, that's a separate conversation. Yes. The fact that you're becoming, like, the singularity and becoming one. Max Headroom meets the, you know, Pepsi vending machine. Didi, you know Max.

You know about Max Headroom, right? Of course. Of course. I couldn't know more. Max Headroom did Pepsi commercials. Of course he did. He was on the art of noises paranormal. Absolutely.

You know Max Headroom. I know Max Headroom. And I know his Pepsi commercials. I watch them all the time on Ice Spot. I'm always laughing at that. But that's amazing, though. You've become a machine. Yes, of course.

That's not the relevant part here. But it is. But I don't, I'm afraid we don't have time to get into you becoming the machine. We need to solve Scott's problem. We need to solve this because right now I have MR. B-A-N-G, B-A-N-G. That's 10 letters. Mr. is a common abbreviation. I'll give you a discount on that one. That'll just be $1 per letter removed.

Okay. So I'm up to $4 right now. Okay. Yes, $4. Okay. So bang, bang. So we've got two letters. So we have to get that down to five. There's a few ways that we could go about this. Okay. One is very simple. We just remove one of the bangs and then pluralize the remaining bang. So like Mr. Bang squared? Or? Yes, so we could do Mr. Bangs with an S. Mr. Bang? I've worried that people would think I'm a hairdresser at that point. And I would, you know, right. I'd be getting a lot of women who want to, like, change their whole look, you know, like, flagging me down.

Mr. Bangs, Mr. Bangs. Mr. Bings. Please give me a trim. Yes. Yeah. Of course. And that's something that's a very aggressive lover. Right.

Oh, yeah. That's another thing. Yeah. So you don't want to be associated with being a hairdresser. Why? What do you have against hair dressers? Go ahead. Well, what do you have against hairdressers?

Well, look, I have nothing against hairdressers. I just don't want to be misconstrued as one because I have no skills in there. Sure. You don't have the certificate. Exactly, yeah. Do you ever do like minus? You're not licensed? Like Mr. Bangs minus hair. Mr. Bangs minus hair. So the dash, unfortunately, in other states, they do allow you to use the dash character.

In the state of California, you wouldn't be able to get ER co-star. Yeah, thanks Newsom. Thanks a lot. You couldn't do ER co-star, but maybe ER Young Man. There's no Y-N-G-M-N. Yes, Y-N-R-Y-N-G-M-N. Yeah, E-E-R. That looks good, right?

Erring me? But here's what you don't know about me, my commitment to shit. The next time I get to be on the show, if I could do you on the show, I'm going to ask you to come outside and check out the vanity plate on my every man BMW. Wait, what are we doing with my Mr. Bang? Okay. So you don't want Mr. Bang. No. So another option would be Mr. 2 bang.

Mr. 2 bang. Mr. N-R-N-2. M-R-B-A-N-G. I worry about the Mr. number two. Like I'm the P-N-G-G-X-2. M-R-B-N-G-X-2. That looks like a regular license plate. Right, and of course we...

But here's the thing. Of course, you get, only to say, but it's got to be a little insider. You don't want just anybody knowing, like, in the pavilion's parking lot, that that's Scott Ackerman. Because if it's too obvious,

if it's too obvious, I mean, what about the stockers? That's true. Some high-end clients prefer to be a little anonymity in this, be a little more discreet. You got to be like, do you donate stuff in your name, or do you do it, you know, anonymous?

So Mr. BNGX2, of course, you could have people. It's okay. He didn't like it. That you're Mr. Bing. Sure. Like Mr. Bing Crosby. Or, yeah, Mr. Chandler Bing. Well, that's a more pressing.

Mr. Chandler Bing. But I know who the other one is, by the way. But anyway. Or someone from Microsoft. Yeah, Mr. Like I'm the guy who's going to Bing everything instead of Googling it. Right. And we're going around saying, we're going to get twice as many people getting on Bing this year.

That's what you're trying to express. Yeah. That's what it's going to happen. I predict. Nostradamus actually predicted that. That's true. Yeah. So another thing that we could do is we could, we could keep the both of the bangs,

but remove letters from each and hopefully keep all the letters there. Okay. I like this. So MR. M-R-B-N. Okay. B-A-G. We've still got all the letters. Mr. Beanbag.

Mr. B-Bag. That's a fun party guy, though. I love Mr. Beanbag. I do think a Mr. Beanbag is fun. Sometimes the vanity plate that you want to do. just isn't possible. And so you might want to go, maybe I could be Mr. Beanbag,

rename the show. I feel like I could change the branding to Mr. Beanbag. Look, I changed it already once. Comedy Bing Bang. Yeah, Comedy Beanbag. Comedy Beanbag. It's actually not the worst idea.

Bing Bong. Who didn't love Inside Out. That's, yes, exactly. Okay. I don't know, maybe. Comedy Beanbag. Comedy Beanbag. Hey, welcome to Comedy Beanbag.

Yeah, I could maybe, I could maybe do that. Do you find that that's usually what happens is you end up making people change their own business names. Yes, a lot of times, and I don't want to say it's because people are so frustrated with the process of typing the thing into the vending machine every time. But I think a lot of times people do end up going, you know what, I'll just be Mr. Beanback. That's fine. Wait, is Mr. Beanbag already taken, by the way? Well, no, just hypothetically.

Oh, okay, I want to make sure you're not steering me. I do need to check on Er-Yung. Ernynung man? Yes. Yes, for David. I'll check in my database. Check in. What's your database?

It's just a list of all of the... You've written this down by hand, I'm noticing. This is like a... Yes. You've written down every license plate that exists in California? Yeah. Well, as I see them on the road, I write them down. You're doing this by I?

Well, I don't have access to the DMV's computers. He's on the 405, just with a little notepad. He would write them down. How many accidents? have you gotten into this seems distracting about five accidents about five about five what are we talking what give or take how many how many what in real hard data how many six that's not terrible it was a little bit considering to say six it's about five yeah I lowered it to five he's uninsured but I'm getting to work every day through the Pepsi pallet truck so sure so there's no danger to people out no no danger to people

out there. But yes, I write them down by hand. I don't have access to the DMVs. Databases, of course. I have asked them several times. They don't want me around there. I'm not sure I would even, I can't really use my phone inside the vending machine because the frequencies sort of... They disrupt the actual... Yes. C-M-E-D-Y. Okay. Hashtag hashtag. C-M-D-Y. No, wait, C-M-E-D-Y. C-M-E-D-Y. So you'd get that. committee C-M-E-D-Y

Either exclamation point or hashtag hashtag pound pound bang bang What's dang-gay Pound Pound Kimmody Pound Comedy Pound Pound Comedy Pound

I could just change the name to that I feel like there's a new player in town Hello David you're pretty good at this I'm so sorry But the pound sign is not available in the state Oh like it was

He flew too close to the sun But I appreciate your enthusiasm. Who played? This is really legendary wings. Thirling work. Yeah. Thank you.

This, I mean, this sounds great. How did you get interested in this kind of work? Well, I'm something of a 90s kid. So I grew up in AIM chat rooms where it was very important to remove letters from the words you're saying because you're on a dial-up modem and your mom has an important phone call. She has to be. My first email address was an AOL.

And I wanted, I loved the band. I wanted the band, I loved the band spiritualized. So I wanted de-spiritualized. So I did D-S-P-R-T-L-Z-D at AOL.com. And everyone who would get my email go, Desperate Lizard. What's up? Desperate Lizard. Or desperdled. Despertled.

Yeah. Did you find yourself going, oh, you know what, I'm Desperate lizard. I did. I gave in. That could be like your company name, your low-out company. The Desperate Lizard. My new company. Yeah.

Interesting. So you're a 90s kid. Yes. What other stuff do you like from the 90s? Yeah. Let's see. I can name 12 things that I like from the 90s. You know what?

The 12 major 90s things. Oh my God, 12 things. I would love to hear the 12 things, but I'm afraid we're running out of time. Running out of time. Yes. I'm so sorry. But Lyle, this is great stuff. People can get to know you at the Beverly Hills.

Hills DMV. Very good. We won't exactly be meeting face to face. Right. So you never pop your head out or how do you, how do they pay you? So the way that that works is once I come up with with the license plate, I then sort of ring up inside the vending machine how much they owe me. How do you do? How do you manipulate that?

Is that via your penis as well or? There's a special wire that this happens to be close to my penis. I don't... Just happen. I don't need to use my penis, but it happens to be closer. The proximity is such. And I don't have a lot of room in there.

And so I just got to... And I use that to... To charge, to ring up the amount. To go into the console on the, on the vending machine so that it displays to them how much they owe. They put the money in. Got it. I drink a full bottle of Pepsi.

And then I put inside the bottle, the empty bottle. The change. Yes, if they gave me too much, I put their... change in there, which is actually great because a normal vending machine, they'll give you like 18 quarters. Sure, sure. You put dollar bills inside an empty Pepsi bottle. Exactly.

Along with their vanity license plate that I've come up with and I put it in the bottle and release it through the machine. Fantastic. And how many satisfied customers? It's impossible for me to know because... Because you're not actually speaking to it. I'm not actually speaking about. How much money have you made with this?

So far, 20,000. I mean, you can't argue with success. You can't argue with that. You can't argue. That's a living. That is a living. That is a great living.

The amount you're saving in like fuel costs, you're not having to drive yourself to work. This is the Beverly Hills, Dean. Your overhead is so low. That's right. For the high-end client. That's right. Well, allow vanity.

This is an incredible opportunity for people out there. Yes. And David, I expect next time I see you to, for you to be earning. I'll be absolutely. And we're running out of time, though. We only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs.

Plugs. Plug bag. Plug bag. Plug bag. All right. That was What's Better Than One Plug Bag? Eight Plug bags by Jackson Roarbao. Roerbaugh, maybe.

Roarbaugh. Roarba! That sounds right. Roarba! Roarba! Roarba! It's like a lion and Ebonese or Scrooge right next. to each other. R-O-A-R-B-A-H.

R-O-H-R-H-R-H-R-H-R-H-R-R-H-R-R-H-R-E-S a perfect seven. That's a great-Sleven. That's a great-Sleven. That's an ultimate seven. Roar-Bah. All right, guys, what do we plug in? David, obviously, your graphic novel, Thru is out right now. Buy Through. You can buy it online, or you can go to your local book retailer.

You can go to your local comic shop. Keep your eyes peeled for the accessories from Panic and Kingdom of Earth from Dark Horse. And if you would be so gracious, go online. go online order Count Crowley or Knights v. Samurai or Creature Commandos all by David Desmaltz. Thank you. Fantastic. D-Didie, Disney, what are we plugging here? Well, if you are a woman looking to give birth in a magical way, you can go to www.

my Disneybirthplan.org. But also I've been listening. I expect this to be a working website, by the way. Yes, of course, of course. What can a domain cost $12? Of course it's worth it. And then you can also listen to an improvised Hollywood roundtable podcast that I listen to called Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists and follow someone on Instagram named Kylie Brickman.

A little someone named Kylie Brickman. She is little. Artists on artists on artists. On artists. Four. Four. Four of them. Type all four.

A.O, A.O, A.A.O.A.A. A.O.A. A perfect seven. A perfect seven Yeah I'll be sure to email her Speaking of perfect sevens Let's talk to this perfect two over here Oh I really That really got me

Hey I don't like to comment on Our guest's physical I really thought you were going to call me a seven I really thought that's where that was going I mean it's probably good that I'm in that machine And people can't see what I look like Lyle Vanity What do you want to play?

Well, I would like you to, if you're looking, if you're looking to add some style to your car, come down to the Beverly Hills DMV. Of course. The Pepsi vending machine. Try Starry soda. It's really good. I've never had it. He's getting a cut. Yeah, it's new.

Is this one of the ones right by your penis? They've replaced Sierra Mist. Yep. It's the one. Look, there happened, my penis happens to be near. Some of the starry bottle. D3. They'll rub up against as they get.

released into the... It's a weirdly designed machine because a lot of the stuff seems to be very close to my penis and then there's other parts where there's like... Oh, by the way, you got into the machine the way you wanted to be as well. So it's, it's not as if it's the machine design fault. Well, I don't have so much

control over how the guy from the Pepsi factory is shoving me in there. Okay, all right. So, come on down, get a vanity license plate. And I'd like to plug the Instagram of one of my clients

James Manion. It's at James Mannion Zero on Instagram. Check that out. He's a client of yours? Oh, he got a vanity license plate? Yes, he got a vanity license plate. What is his vanity license plate? It's M-R-B-L-D-P-Pee.

Mr. Belled Pee-Pee-Bee-Pee. It's actually short for Mr. Bald Pimp. I don't think I would get it. I wouldn't have gotten that. I thought it was a Mr. Belvedere reference, which Dede's a big fan of the English rebel boards. I have all the shirts. Do you remember when he sat on his own balls?

Oh, God. What about the really heavy episodes? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Famed me cry. What do I want to plug? Hey, look, Comedy Bang Bang. We're out on tour coming up soon.

So you're going to want to go out and see us. Check out all of our dates at CBBWorld.com slash tour. And also, while you're there at Comedy Bang Bang World, we have so many great shows over there. We have the entire archive of comedy bang bang, every episode ad-free, every live episode we've ever done. We have other shows like The Neighborhood Listen. We have Hey Randy. We have this book, Change My Life.

We have Heinz, I'm Pravda Meet You. We have a college town. We have the, wamp it up. So many great things going on over there. Oh, you got to head over to CBBWorld.com. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. I just earned 50. I want to close the bag, baby, step on in.

I want to close it tight. You know the way to win. I want to close that bag. I want to make it right. So just close that bag. Hold those lachers tight. And then loose in the bag and let it open wide. I'm just opening the bag.

You've got no place to hide. Put things in it because it's so open fast. And if you don't want that kiss, sweet chat's ass. Oh, speaking of Dred Zeppelin, boy, that was exciting for 50-year-olds, wasn't it? That was a bag of hope remix by Vic Freeze. Thank you so much to Vic Freeze. And guys, I want to thank you so much for being on the show. David, welcome to the One Timers Club.

It's a pleasure. So nice to have you. Long overdue. Long overdue, especially for someone who contributed the snacks to what's right up there. Look at that. On my wall. That's exciting. An exciting time.

Full circle moments. And I truly hope that you get to go out there calling 911 on all of our favorite medical shows. I think that would be, you know, you could be like the detective munch of medical shows, guy who calls 911 and moves from city to city. It's his thing. That's his thing. That's what he likes to do. Everybody needs a thing, man.

He likes to be around emergencies and call for help. Should I call 911? He is a young man. Listen to his voice break. Should I call 911? And Disney, Disney, so wonderful to meet you. Oh, so good to be here. I just had, there's four waters that just broke.

Really? Splash Mountain and I, every day of my life is amazing. Yeah, it does sound amazing to be you. It's to be me, to be a girl in this world with this job, it's fantastic. Fantastic. Also being the heir to the Disney fortune. The money's pretty good. Yeah, that's, I mean, yeah.

The money's pretty awesome. This is more just like a weird hobby that you have as an eccentric billionaire. That's just kind of my eccentric idea. To somebody who's had a medical emergency at Disney, I do want to say that's very exciting. What was your medical emergency? Oh my gosh, my poor daughter when she was just three fell face first onto a curb and her tongue went through her teeth. Oh, no. And all of a sudden, from nowhere, the nurses dressed like they were out of 101 Dalmatians, like they're from another time, came out with little carts.

And Disney has so much amazing infrastructure. And then they take you right into a building that looks like an old-timey Disney movie set hospital. And they brought her in. And they had some... Did Ratatouille operate on her? Not Ratatoui, but they did have some... An ice pack from Olaf. And she was so touched.

She must have been so delighted. Gave her an ice pack. Oh. And it was kind of amazing. So you guys are doing God's work. Oh, my gosh. I just want to say thank you to the medical community at Disney. Bless you.

And you, the billionaire heiress. Yes. Yes. With your vanity project. Thank you. Speaking of vanity, we want to thank you. Lyle Vanity. Wow. Thank you.

You getting back in that machine anytime soon? Yes, tomorrow morning I will be up right and early at the Pepsi factory. So not soon because it takes it's a long process to get into that thing. Yeah, but I mean it's worth it. How much money you made? $20,000. Oh, $20,000. I thought it was $250.

That's less than I thought. $250,000. No. I give or take $20,000. Wait, $20,000. How long have you been doing this? Three months? Three months.

That's incredible. Good. That's pretty good. I'm impressed. You're talking to a guy with a high end BNW. I don't know. 80K sitting in a dang Pepsi machine at the DMV. I'm proud of you. This is America. What are we talking? 80K for the year? Yeah, 23 is one-fourth at 12. Yeah. That's not even six figures and you're sitting in this hot machine. I guess it's more money than James Mannion makes. I'll tell you that one.

All right. Well, He's your client. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks, everyone. Bye.