Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Dudes Rock! (May Darmon, Matt Apodaca, Angela Giarratana)

Episode Date: February 2, 2026

We convene an esteemed panel to address current events in this rare roundtable episode! Scottish tourist Rupert McDougal, video game hero Duke Nukem and Scott’s new neighbor Chris Thomas offer insights and perspective from a much needed, dude-centric point of view. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Champa-Bang-Bang, comedy bang-bang, comedy bang-bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang. Champagne, comedy, bang, comedy bang, champagne for my real friends, real pain from years of childhood neglect. to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Wahhabi with Ibadi for that catchphrase submission. We're only taking new ones. That was submitted January 7th of 2026, only taking 2026 catchphrases from now on. If you feel like you have a catchphrase that was unfortunately neglected from previous years, go ahead and resubmit. But try to update it with a little 2026 flare, if you don't mind. Welcome to the show. My name is Scott Ackerman. This is Comedy Bang Bang for another week. And once again, we are deviating perhaps from the traditional format of comedy bang bang. Traditional format being a celebrity comes on the show. We talk to them and then we have, you know, sometimes they're a movie star. Not very often, quite honestly. Sometimes they're a TV star.

Sometimes they're an author. Sometimes they're a comedian with a special. Other times they're podcasters. Jesus is crazy. And then other times we decided to deviate from the format. Why? Well, mainly we couldn't book anyone. But we're going to deviate from the format.

And you know what that means? It's time for the CBB roundtable. Oh, I forgot. I don't have an explosion sound effect. God, our sound effect budget is all out. Okay, well, anyway, it's time for the CBB round table. We all know what that means. The table is round, but our focus is squarely on the issues.

And we're going to be talking about the issues of the day and what we all think about them, trying to come to some sort of an understanding, trying to figure out, you know, some people are over here on these issues and we're over here and maybe we can meet in the middle or maybe not even the middle. Maybe we totally convince someone to go flip to the other side. Maybe we don't convince anyone of anything, but that is what our goal is here. Today is to talk about what's going on in this crazy world. Look, the news is crazier than ever.

You have to, yeah, sometimes I'll be. flipping through news channels and I'll be like, that happened? And then I'll be like, oh, but that also happened? And so in these trying times, we need to figure out where we stand on these issues and we're going to do that today. Let me get to today's panel. We have an incredible panel here today. We have someone who's been on the show before, so that's very exciting. We spoke to them a few months back.

He's a tourist. please welcome back Rupert McDougall. Hello, Scott. Hello, so wonderful to have you back. Not so wonderful to be back. Oh, no, really? What's going on? I'm trying to recall what we discussed on our last episode.

You're a tourist. Where are you from exactly? From Bonnie Scotland. Bonnie Scotland, of course. Is that a certain area of Scotland, or that's an adjective to describe? It's an adjective, and you know that. And you knew it last time, too. Oh, did I really?

try with me. Okay. And you are, but there was, if I recall correctly, there was some unusual detail about what part of Scotland or at least when you were from, is that right? That's right. Of course. Please expand.

Don't just agree with me. Well, I'm about to tell you my story. Well, let us Terry know further. Tell us that story right now. Absolutely. Of course, my story requires some backstory as well. And I mean, yes, everything requires backstory. I don't expect you to tell the story that's currently happening to you now.

I'm sitting here in a chair. I'm talking in a microphone. Microphone. Everything is backstory. Tell the, tell the, tell the, and please make it interesting and keep it short. Well, Scott, I'd love to, but it's my life. Of course, you. you'll remember that I don't want to be here because I was accidentally sent through space time.

Through some sort of a portal. Through a portal in Scotland from the 1700s. The 1700s? Not a specific year in the 1700s or? Oh, now you want to know. Oh, did I not last time? 1772. 1772.

So, so close to that wonderful date, 1776, which we of course are about to celebrate. celebrates the 250th anniversary of it. What happened then? Look, this great nation, which we're going to be talking about today, are we afraid at the hedges? We don't know. But we're going to be talking about it, but that was a mere two years away. The signing of the Declaration of Independence. I don't know about all that.

Yeah, well, you're from Scotland. But, of course, I was sent here on the night that I was to be wed. That's right. And you were a virgin? That's right. So your body, your body count was at the time zero. Are you currently zero? And, well, wouldn't you like to know?

I would like to know. You pervert. I am still at zero. And the reason, well, it's an interesting story. Okay. Of course, I was moments from having relations with my beautiful wedding. You had gone through the wedding ceremony. We had gone through the wedding.

You laid her down upon the wedding bed. Correct. And then I found that I... Was she properly undressed? Details, man. Give us the deeds. You are lucky that you took my knife last time. Oh, that's right. Because I mean to get that back to you at the end of today's show.

Please give me my knife back. I may, I may. You son of a bitch. Well, yes, she was naked. I then... As the day she was born? As the day she was born. Okay.

My beautiful dear dress. And then I got up to go use the loo. This is poor timing, I have to say. Unfortunate timing. Yeah. And well, it's a bit of a story. Yeah, we're in the middle of it.

Because I accidentally on my way stumbled upon a formation of rocks and stones. Right. This is before indoor plumbing. So you're outside of whatever sort of shelter you're using. Which I have to say, indoor plumbing is disgusting. Having going to the bathroom in the room.

Mere, mere inches away from where you're, you know, working on your computer or something. Am I right? Yeah, it's gross. I'm working on my computer. Anyways. That's what I said.

Anyway, go ahead. Of course, I never made it back to my wife that night. Yes, you stumbled into a portal. You found yourself in modern times. and how long ago was this? Well, it's a bit of a story. Yeah. I, of course, found myself back in modern times, had to figure out how to live here.

Right. Meaning what? You needed to get a credit or something? I had to get a commercial agent. Oh, okay. Because you're a very good-looking man from the 1700s in Scotland. You're at the top of the food chain, and you're just a... A young laird.

Yeah, a young laird. And you look great. And so you got a commercial agent. You then... Have you done much work or... No callbacks yet. No callbacks. But, of course, I was sent back to Scotland Scott.

You were. In between your last appearance? That's right. Okay. And so was she still naked? Well, yes. What had happened was... Or had the...

equivalent amount of time passed that you would spend in modern times. Time is not passing in Scotland. Time is moving here. I was returned to the exact moment. Oh, okay. Did you go to the bathroom or you didn't have to at this point? Well, Scott, I did it again. No, you stumbled into a different portal or same portal?

I had to go to the bathroom. So you never, you never actually. So I'm back again. Why not use a different? area of the woods or whatever you were doing at the time. I did. There's a ton of porters around my castle. Oh, no.

Yeah. Oh. Well, I feel like an idiot. But now I know I think a way to get back. How did you get back the first time? I, well, I took a Legri Pilates class. Okay. And the motion of the machines was so vigorous, Scott, that they sent me hurling through space.

It vibrated so hard and so quickly, much like the cosmic treadmill in the Flash comics. Exactly. Much like the cosmic treadmill. I see. So it sent you back in time. Were you able to steer yourself when you were hurtling through time? Were you able to sort of move your body into like, oh, I want to go there and your destination? Or was it purely a mental thing of like you pictured where you wanted to go? Like maybe you pictured your wife naked and you were like, you know, that's where it deposited you? How did, you know, how did this transpire? I'm ready to tell you. Okay. Yeah, great. My story. Which is that, no, it just spit me right back. It just spit you right back out.

Okay, yeah. Okay, well, look, I have faith that you'll get back there, but are you having fun while you're out here? That's all right. And no other naked women. I mean, you're a married man. I'm married, Scott. But you know what happens in the future stays in the future, you know? Like that word is never going to get back to, what's your name, Deirdre?

Deirdre. Yeah, she'll never know. I would know. Because maybe you'll be such a skilled lover when you go back that she'll be like, wait a minute. Where did she get all this experience? That's right. If I accidentally make theater come, then she will know that I have not been facing.

Because no one ever comes back in 1772, was it? Or 74? 772. 1772. Wow. All right. Well, welcome to the show. Oh, thank you for having me.

Rupert. I hope you get back there and I hope you get some callbacks. Oh, I'm desperate for some callbacks. Can we see a little bit of your process? Like, do you remember your last audition? You know, it's, I'm having trouble with Eiline. Really? That's the only trouble?

That seems so easy to fix. I'm just not getting it. I'm not understanding. Just in the audition process? Basically, you're just looking at the people who are reading... Well, they're telling me the couch is a person. I don't think so, Scott. Oh, okay.

Well, it's like playing pretend. is just like playing pretend. Did you ever do that? I mean, I know life is hard back in 1772. That's right. People who play pretend in 1772 are witches. That's right, yes. You don't want to be one of those.

Absolutely not. All right, well, welcome back to the show. Wonderful to have you. Let's get to the rest of our panel. He is an action hero of note. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Duke Newcomb. Hail to the king, baby. Damn, I'm looking good.

Hi, Mr. Newcomb. How are you? Good to see you, Scott. Thanks for having me. So great to see you. You are, I've heard of you. I don't know that I have much more than a passing acquaintance of you, but you are an action hero. What does that entail?

I kick ass and I take names. Oh. How many names have you taken? Several names, mostly Duke Newcomb. I only go by one name, Duke Newcomb. So you're taking your own name? I take my own name. I've kicked my own ass and I'll do it again.

Okay. Okay, so you're kicking your... I've been cloned before, Scott. You've been cloned? I've been cloned. Okay, we're already jumping to you've been cloned. Yeah, but it's not part of it. I just want to know...

I just want to know who you are. Wouldn't you want to know right away if you were talking to somebody that's been cloned before? I mean, I don't know anything about you, sir. I've been cloned. Okay, okay. And I kicked my own ass.

Okay, and you took your own name? I took my own name. Okay. You don't have to take your own name if it's your own name. Take my name. Like, you know, when my wife got buried and she kept her own name, she didn't say, I'm taking my own name. She just kept it. Do you think of marriage as combat?

What are you talking about, man? In a lot of ways. Hey. The Battle of the Sex is, am I right, Duke? You're telling me, brother. Hey, we have a panel of all dudes today, so that's, you know, this is, we can relax. Can I just actually say for once in a while? Dude's rock, actually.

Okay, thanks, dude. For once in a while. Yeah, for once in a while. Damn, I'm looking good. Tell me about yourself. You are, of course, you're a very muscular gentleman. You're wearing... Thanks for noticing.

You're much like Bowser, John Bowser Bowman of Shanaugh, one of the most muscular gentleman I've ever seen... Is he jacked? He's super jacked. He's always flexing his muscles and showing him off. Don't you find... Don't you... Yes, Duke?

Don't you think it's kind of funny when people that don't need to be jacked or jacked? I know. By all accounts, like, if you're in Shanaana, the singing... and the dancing should be your main focus, but he's jacked as hell. To be like that, and then to be like, you know what, I'm jacked too. Yeah.

Kind of a funny type of guy. It is funny, but you need to be jacked because you're in action here. You're wearing sort of bandolier? Yeah, I wear a bandolier filled with bullets, and I just let those babies fly when I need to. Are they attached to your, because you have several guns here, by the way. I had to confiscate them off. Lots of guns.

I'll give them back to you at the end of the next program you're on. You sort of do. That's our policy here. those sort of like when you're visiting a king in another kingdom or something, you have to return, you have to submit your weapons and nothing untoward happens. I don't know what you're talking about, but anyway,

are the bandoliers of bullets, are they attached to the gun so that you never have to reload? You know what I mean? Or do you have to like take them off the bandolier and fit them into the gun? Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, when I'm saving the day, those things have to be locked and loaded because I'm just letting them spray, baby.

Yeah. And what are you saving people for? from, the world from? Often there will be some type of invasion of some kind, some big bugs, some big nasty bug motherfuckers. I see some sort of alien invasion with aliens, robots. Uh-huh. End of list.

Okay. Demons, maybe. Okay, so the list continues. But they're all kind of bug-like. There's just big bugs to me. So the robots are akin to bugs. The demons are akin to bugs. All of its bugs to me. Okay. And how often does this occur? Because I don't hear much.

fucking day in my goddamn. You don't hear about it because I'm so good at my fucking job, Scott. You should be groveling at my feet kissing my ass. I don't want to do either of those things. I might grovel at your ass and kiss your feet, but not the reverse. Scott's a foot guy confirmed. I'm sorry. Wait, you're taking that down in your little list next to all the names that you took? Yeah, I wrote it down. Don't tell the bugs. Oh, the only thing I'm telling the bugs is bend over. You're fucking the bugs? With my bullet gun.

Oh, okay. I see. Metaphorically. That's right. They're getting fucked up the ass with justice. Okay. Well, uh, uh, what's... And I don't kick ass.

Well, I don't fight. Hold on. What? Let me take that again. Okay. We don't do, you know, second takes here. Can I do a retake, Scott? Life doesn't have second takes.

Damn. Ask Jay Kelly. Oh, man. He doesn't get to do another one at the end of his big retrospective. This isn't one of those contentious. bar conversations that he had in the movie, is it? I think we might be in the middle.

I have, because I have no beef with you. I just want to get out that. And we never took an acting class together where I stole your audition and your part, right? Which happens, I guess, all the time. No, we didn't. As far as I know, I've never taken an acting class because I don't need to act.

I get babes doing what I do best. Oh, you get ass. What's your body count, my man? My body count? 10,000. 10,000? We're asking all the dudes on this panel. You're asking all the dudes what their body count is?

Hell yeah, that's why we have dudes on a podcast. Yeah, dudes for once in a while. Can I just say dudes rock? Once in a while. I'm running for the governor. What? I'm running to be the governor of California is what I wanted to talk about. Okay, great.

I'd like to parlay my fame to a political career because I think I make this look good. Okay. And what is your platform? if you don't mind me asking. My platform is if you try to step to anybody in California, I'll rip your head off. What's going on with you today? I'm just nervous about being political because it's not something I normally do, but I'll rip your head off and I'll shit down your neck. Okay.

And that, yeah. At that point, I wouldn't care what you do with my neck if my head is off. What about your back? My pussy and my crack, though. Don't do anything to them. Don't worry. And what party are you running with? I'm running for the Duke Nukem party, baby, because I don't submit to any one party.

Yeah, independent. Well. Libertarian. Not libertarian. Anything but that. I'm just a Duke Nukem kind of guy. Okay. All right. Well, good luck to you. I mean, how far away is this? Can I get you to vote for me? I don't think so. Oh, come on. I mean, we need someone new.

Oh, come on, Scott. Yeah. Can you just vote for me, please? Yeah, I mean, I sure, yeah. If it'll get you off my back, yeah, I'll vote for you. It's either that. Here's your two options. and I know that one of these you're going to do, you're either going to vote for me or not vote at all. It'll probably be the latter. Honestly, I don't want to hold my nose and vote for anyone, you know.

I want to vote for someone that I believe in. I'm not sure I believe in you necessarily. Hey, not yet. I think I can convince you. I would love, well, when I hear what you have to say about the issues of the day, maybe that will convince me. So this is a perfect opportunity for you. Yes, you make this look good.

All right. Let's get to our next guest. Hail to the king, baby. Okay, I'm assuming these are catchphrases. in your thing. Okay. Let's get to our next guest. This is their first time on the show. They're a local citizen. Please welcome to the show, Chris Thomas. Thank you so much for having me. Is that door closed? The one that leads in the studio. Yeah, it's close. Yeah. Hi, Chris. Thank you so much. Are you okay? You're out of breath. I just had to run to a nearby house for shelter. Thank you so much. Oh, okay. Welcome to the show. What's your body count, my man? What's my body count? This is cool as a table of dudes, huh? Yeah.

Thank God, this is the table of dudes. Oh, man. Yeah. I don't know what I'm encountering next door. I live next door, Scott. Oh, you're my next door neighbor. Yeah, we'll a couple doors down. Oh, okay.

How many? Three. Like, kind of diagonal. I jumped a bush. Oh, okay. That should have been the band name. Three doors down, diagonal. I jumped to bush.

Oh, that's funny, man. That's funny, man. It's good to see his smile. Thanks, bro. What's going on with you? You had to. leave the house? Yeah, I had to leave my house. He just moved in with my girlfriend, Quinn.

Oh, so your new neighbor. Oh, you're Quinn's boyfriend. Yes, I finally moved in. Oh, okay. Yeah, I've met Quinn. Yes. So what, uh, why did you have to get out of the house? I just needed a second. I don't know what's Scott. What's, what's going on? Are you in peril? Sch, Scott. Scott. Do you, you want me to,

I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just saying something. I'm scared. I just don't want anybody to hear. Oh, okay. You guys are chill, right. You big gun. These guys are chill as hell, man. I'm very chill. All right, all right. Okay, body count of zero, body count of thousands. Okay, that feels perfect for this. That feels perfect.

My girlfriend's on her period. Oh, that's fucking disgusting. Oh, my goodness. So listen to me. I've never seen what happened to work. Like, what's happening today? What is... Something took my girl.

My sweetheart, my honey bunches of oats, and it made her not so, Sky. I see. So emotional change is what you're talking about. Not the actual physical things going on. Okay, well, that too. Sure. I mean, it happens to everyone until a certain... It happens to a lot of people.

From a certain age, too, a certain age. Yeah, but I just never seen her like this. She threw a vase at my head before I left. Okay, what did you... I mean, I hate to ask you this. You know, I hope I'm not violating brocode. But what did you do to deserve that? Oh, man.

I turned up the TV by two notches. Okay, that doesn't sound too bad. And she went too loud! And base hit my head. Base hit your head. Base hit my fault in the head. That doesn't see. That's, that the punishment doesn't fit the crime. And it's my sweetie, Pituity.

I love her so much. She would have never done this two days ago. And what's weird is she did this a month ago. Okay. Yeah. So it's a, that's the cycle usually is about once a month. I know, but I can't keep up, man. You can't keep up.

Okay. This isn't like a, this isn't like a thing I can prepare for. I just moved in with her. I don't understand. Well, you know, everyone's bodies are different. and sometimes it takes a little bit of understanding and maybe a little compassion and I mean, was it a problem?

And that's what I want. I need your help today. I need compassion. I said, you need the compassion. Okay. I need compassion. Okay. Because then she threw the vase in me

and I went, don't be a bitch. Okay. That's exactly what I would have said. Thank you. Okay, we're all now high-fiving? Wow, okay. Body count two, by the way. Oh, okay, too.

Okay, including Quinn. Quinn. Quinn. Yeah. And my high school girlfriend. Oh, cool. Yeah. She's in high school now or?

Oh, no, me in high school, I fell in love. Oh, I see. Okay, gotcha. Yeah, yeah. Just wanted to clarify. No, I'm not one of those guys. Not everyone's like you, Scott. Hey, Duke.

You don't know me other than I'm a foot guy, confirmed. That's awesome, by the way. Oh, okay, thank. But don't touch him unless she asks you. Okay. Is that all that happened? You just, had you been asked not to turn up the TV too loud? Yeah, she was like, I have a headache.

And then I turned up the TV a lot. because I just wanted to hear the fairly odd parents a little louder. I could hear it in the back of the room. So I turned it up and then boom, Scott. I think they're more than fairly odd. Do you agree on this? Okay. Finally a room I could talk freely.

Yes, thank you. Who are those two little tweaks? Freely. But yeah, I mean, they're just, they're freaky. It was just, I just, I love her so much and I just, I don't know what to do. So she was like, get out. And I went, okay. Well, at least you did that and didn't.

You know, stay there and keep the TV loud or anything like that. That would have been a bad guy. Yeah. But I mean, my God, she ate every single thing in the fridge last night. How many things were in the fridge? Three things. What were the three if you don't mind me asking? Gogart, my favorite thing to have when I watch fairly odd parents.

Okay. Her cash shoes. She puts them in the fridge for some reason. Okay. Whose gogert was it, by the way? My gougar. Her cashews. Okay.

My gogerts, God. Did you buy it with your own money or it was? No, she does the Instagram cart once a month. Okay, so it's both of your Gogherd. Tomato, but she... It wasn't tomato-flavored go-gert, was it? No, of course not. I'm not a freaking... That's called ketchup, Scott.

Okay, that's right. Oh, that's right. I forget. Anyway, thank you. I said they're crossing out the word ketchup and saying tomato-flavored go-gert. Not all sauce is gogert, okay? Okay. Is that your platform? I'm trying to just bring awareness to this.

It's one of the things I'm trying to get you know. Would you say aoli's gogurt? I don't think aoli is gogurt, but we could get there. I think we could make it happen. Yeah. And we think it for a safe place. Oh, no, this is a safe place. Gougart?

Ranch could be a little too running to be gogert. I think it's got to be a little, a specific thing. It has to have a consistent. Is yogurt gogert? Yeah. Yogurt is gogert. Yeah. What about caramel?

Caramel, too thick to be gogurt, almost concrete. What about concrete? Concrete. Concrete is gogurt. Okay. Concrete? I'd say concrete is man gogur. Now that's what I'm talking about. Hey! This is so awesome to be in a room to speak freely with a bunch of men. It truly is. This is a safe space, but some of the issues are... I peeve freely.

Thank you. I said that maybe five minutes ago. I think we were all just having a fun time. Okay, sure. This is a safe space, of course. We're going to be talking about the issues of the day. Are you guys prepared for this? Have you been studying up on the news lately? I mean, Rupert, I know, this must be overwhelming for you. I don't have access to the news currently. What kind of access do you need? You don't have a... Well, I don't have a credit card, don't have a cell phone, so I can't make any subscriptions

to any streamers. What about people on the street as Freddie Mercury once said? I am getting my news from... Hey, oh! Okay. Hey, oh! Sorry, this is a relatively old song for us,

but would be new to you. I've actually watched Beetlejuice. Oh, okay, it's not in Beetlejuice, but... Whoops. I mean, great non-sequitur. But man, you can make a mistake. No, I was just saying

I've seen beetlese. You've seen Beetlejuice. I hope you feel so owned right now, Scott. Yeah. He's actually seen Beetlejuice. You're asking me for news. That's my news for you. Oh, that's your news.

Oh, okay. I do get my news, man on the street style. Oh. I ask people. You ask people what's going on. Yeah. And I think I'm trying to got you then, but really I'm trying to just get some news.

Do you understand our, here in the United States of America? Do you understand our, system of government or? Not really, no. Okay. Hey. Do you?

Not really. That's what they thought. That's awesome. That's awesome. You guys are awesome. Sometimes I feel as if out there in Washington, D.C., that a couple hundred years ago, everything was fine. But then, like, lately, it just feels like the, you know, the wringling brothers in Barnum and Bailey

Circus was like, you know how it's a attractive? traveling circus and they'd like, yeah, they'll pull up stakes in one town and then move on to another town. Yeah. The food, the food stuff, yeah.

Oh, no, the stakes of their tents. The things that keep the tents from blowing away. You know, that's one thing about going to the circus is, uh, you're always like,

is this, is this tent going to blow away? I know, right? I'm always really nervous about it. I'm really nervous about it. And then the lions would just get away and everything, you know,

and they're like holding that thing down with like rocks in the course. Yeah, I know. It's, it's, yeah. It doesn't feel good. It's precarious. But in any case, my point being that the circus went to Washington and then all the clowns stayed behind.

Oh, my God. Okay. That's very funny, Scott. It's very funny. It feels really good to be with these men. Men. I almost. Men, men, men.

Men, me, men. Oh, that's also my favorite joy. Watch fairly obvious. Let's all touch tips. Yeah. Let's touch tips. I'm down. Let's touch tips.

tips. What does that mean? Knife stuff. No, yeah, I'll give you your knife back. Don't worry. At the very end. That's right. You keep saying. Yes, we do have to get to a break, though, before we get to the issues of the day. But when we come back from the break, we're going to be here with Duke Newcomb, Chris Thomas, Rupert McDougall. We're going to be talking about the issues of the day. It is the CBB Roundtable. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

bang bang we're back here it is the cbb roundtable we're joined by our esteemed panel of experts we have rupert mcdougal here tourist from uh bonnie scotland 1772 uh how long have you been here well time is a bit confusing for me as you could imagine it was the same back when you were i mean it elapses the exact at the exact same pace of months happen yeah exactly months happened and I'm glad that that Gump happens. Excuse me? Gump happens.

It was a t-shirt tie-in because of the shit happens in Forest Gump. Okay, so now... Just because I mentioned Beetlejuice. Now I have to see all the movies. Well, I mean, would it kill you to see Forrest Gump to know what we're talking about? He's sort of a Zellig type.

Oh, don't worry about seeing that one. What happened to the t-shirt tie-ins? We used to be a country. We used to be a society. Anyway How long have you been here? I've been here now for about seven months Seven months, okay, great

Have you booked a commercial? So as I've said, absolutely not, no. No callback. It doesn't mean you haven't booked one. They may have taken you straight to set. Oh, I wish. Does that happen? It does occasionally.

And you know what I think? I think that they maybe have the wrong headshot or something. Because I'm going in for things that are not right for me. Like what? Like, you know, mother of four. Oh. Maybe because of my hair. Yeah.

Well, from behind, I mean, you are wearing those apple bottom jeans, too. So, and the boots with the fur as well. But I mean, that's just what people wore back in 1770. Well, no, and I wore the kilt. Then I kept getting mother rolls now. I'm wearing apple bottom jeans. It's a problem. Yeah, it is.

So where, what am I supposed to be wearing? What if you did sort of a Chris Hemsworth kind of? of like in between Thor movies where you cut all the hair off. I mean, you're very attractive. It's very long, but it's not necessarily the style of the day. Cut my hair. Wow. That reminds me of a story.

Oh, okay. It's not the story of, who's that dude whose hair was cut and he lost all of. Samson, that's right. Is that the one you were going to tell? Fuck. Okay. You can tell it again if you want. Just keep it short and keep it very interesting.

Isn't that kind of fun that we all would know. the same biblical stories, isn't that interesting? It really is. No matter what time. We're not that different, which is what we're trying to establish here at the CBP Roundtable. We also have Duke Nukem is here. I'm offer only.

Oh, okay. Have you done any commercials or? No, and the only offer I accept is kicking your ass. Okay. You're not going to kick my ass. I'm not going to kick your ass. Okay. Unless you want me to.

You're stumping for votes now. You can't afford to kick anyone. No, no, no. But if you don't vote for me, you better get well acquainted with my boot, motherfucker. Okay. You're running for governor. When is the election for governor? I'm just getting out there now. Okay, sure. Getting out there early. Who could say? Yeah, who could say at this point? If they even let you have another election in this goddamn state. I mean, that's getting a little too political for the roundtable, quite honestly. But we also have Chris Thomas, who's a local

citizen now, lives down the street. How long have you lived with Quinn? A month. A month. Three weeks. Three weeks. Okay. So the first three weeks. Heaven on earth, Scott. Heaven on earth. And I don't know what monster took her. Took my sweet baby girl. But thank you for letting me stay here. I was scared during the break that I'd have to get up.

You're not staying here. I mean, you're on the show. I hope there's no expectation that you're going to be living here for the next. Well, how long does this curse go for? I mean, it's a few days, maybe a week. Okay, great. As long as you're cool with that, I'll be out of here. I'm not cool with that. No.

Okay. Oh, no. You're going to have to find a plan B. and when I say plan B, I mean... Don't mention plan B too loud, Scott. Okay. We have so many vases in the house. She'll come in here and throw one at your face.

Why do you have so many vases in the house? She works as a florist. Okay. Yeah, Scott, she works as a florist. She brings her work home with her? Yeah! She's so smart and tries so hard at work. Okay.

Well, it sounds like you haven't appreciated... You know, this is the first time you've ever lived with... Yeah, it's new. It's new to you, yeah. And she was excited to do it. I was excited to do it. I didn't, yeah. I'm sure we all have, we all have our strange peccadillos that, you know, I'm sure

there's weird things about you that she would get annoyed about. I just, I mean, I'm pretty consistent throughout the month. Consistently. Like, I'm kind of always going to be myself and be Chris. I mean, you can't help but be yourself. Like, right? And like, that's just the way you were raised. Yeah.

And the shit that's coming out of my dick is always going to be the same. Yeah. Piss and cum. Piss and come, literally. So it's not the same. Well, those two are different. They stay the same. Which one's Goger?

Piss or cum. Not piss. My piss is thick like Gogart. Why, Duke? That's disgusting, Duke. Duke, I don't drink any water. Duke. I only drink monster energy drinks, brother.

Now, Chris, to be clear, you were living with Quinn before getting married. Oh, that's changed in the last 250 years, 246 years. Because to me, I think, I mean, I'm happy to be in the company of men finally. But what have really been a dream for me to ever experience Deirdre's bleed because we never got there. You never got, was she? Oh, my God. This is maybe an indelicate question, but she was naked right before you were snatched away by the portal. That's correct.

Was she, did you see any evidence of her being? Scott what the fuck? I think he's asking a really important question This is what dudes can ask I think you're here for a reason so I can tell you to run Did she ask to put down some towels Or some kilts or some kiltz

Oh god I guess I'm gonna barf Scott That's disgusting Okay Chris and Duke Come on I suppose I didn't even think about it There was a third treat on the bed Run!

That might have been for one What's happening? Do not go back to Scotland So I shouldn't take another Legree Pilates class. Oh, yeah. Have you gone back to that class ever? No, I've done. I've decided that next time I go, I'm going to be ready.

Ready, you're going to fully excavate your bladder. Yes, exactly. Okay, and that has not occurred yet? Not yet. No piss, fully hard. Ready to go. At this point, you've asked to leave the room twice. Was she not suspicious?

just the second time? It was the blink of an eye. Well, sure, yeah. You asked to leave the room and then you're, then you're stumbling around for, what, three minutes, four minutes before you fall in the portal. That's right. Then you come back.

Okay, so you've been gone four minutes. And then immediately you say, you know what, I have to take a piss. You just, in her eyes, did. And that's Deirdre, the most understanding, beautiful woman with flaxen hair flowing down. Flowing down. To her ankles.

To her ankles. Holy shit. Wow. Okay. I'd never seen it down, but it is that long. Yeah. Was that surprising to you? It was a bit surprising to me. Right, yeah. I mean, you know, they have scissors back then, right?

Of course they have scissors. You had a look of confusion on your face, like trying to figure out whether. I don't understand what you're getting at. I'm just saying that. Are you saying something about my wife? Whoa. You can't do that. All right, Borat.

Whoa. Okay, and now the table has been reset. Have you seen Borat? Just Beetlejuice. Okay, I've seen Bora. I'll have to say it's pretty funny. That guy's crazy. That guy is nuts.

He's a good guy. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. He's a friend? Friend of the pod? No, no, no. I would say not on either side of the street, not really friendly, but wonderful to have him in our world.

Okay. That's very nice. We love that he's a human walking on this earth. That's awesome. That's awesome. Be careful. But speaking of humans walking on this earth, we have established. We live in a society, and this society is fractured right now.

It seems to be one of the most precarious times in our nation's history where our country seems to be split down the middle. There's a divide in this country. And some people are on this side going like, hey, I think this. And then other people are on the other side saying, oh, you think that. Well, you know what I think is this other thing. And it's hard to know where to stand these days. And that's what the CBB roundtable is all about. I'm going to be asking some questions about the issues of the day,

and we're going to get just this random collection of people. We're going to hear where they stand on these issues. And we'll come to a little bit of an understanding at the end of it, hopefully. All right, here we go. First question on the CBB roundtable. Here we go. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be? I'm going to go to Rupert McDougal first.

It's horse. It's horse. It's horse. It's horse. It's horse. So you had a horse. I had a horse. And I still do. You consider your horse to be your pet and not your, I guess, employee or I just, people had different sort of expectations from their horses back 250 years ago. Did they not? I suppose you're right. I guess he's less of a pet and more of a brother. What? A vehicle? The fuck. Did you just say? I called him a vehicle. So you were going the other way. You're going brother. You, me outside. Hey, you don't want to make, you don't want to write any checks you can't cash, bro.

I don't know because you keep stumbling through the line, so I don't believe you. I don't try to really act like this with people I just met. You seem to back down very quickly. You get really tongue-tied. Well, you shouldn't bring a knife to a gunfight, is all I'm saying. You don't have either. You don't have your guns. He doesn't have his knife.

I need my guns if I'm going to fight. Well, I'm not giving them back to you. So we have guns and knives in the room? Yeah, we have them in the room. This is good, so we feel protected. I put them into the lockbox. Close the door. Yeah.

No, Quinn's not coming. I mean, I don't know if Quinn's coming over, honestly. Just don't let her in is what I'm asking. I'm asking for protection from all my guys here. I got your back, brother. I'm not going to shoot my neighbor. I mean, you know. Okay.

For that reason. Yeah. I mean, if Quinn just, it's an open door policy, I've never had to use any guns from the lockbox when anyone has walked through these doors. Okay. I don't mean to start today with Quinn, my neighbor. I think we'd hear her. coming because for some reason once a month her steps are louder.

Okay. Boom. Boom. So Rupert, horse is your choice. Horse is my choice. What is your horse's name? Tilly. Tilly.

Tilly. Beautiful. And Tilly, how long have you had Tilly? Oh, since I was a wee lad. Okay. And we're bonded. How long do horses live? Oh, my God, Scott.

I swear to God. It's a pretty anodyne question. What are you trying to say? I'm just saying that you've had your horse a long time. I'm going to, how long do horses live? 25 to 30 years. How old are you? Right.

I'm 20. You're 20. Okay. So, you know, it has a good amount of time left. That's good. And time is not elapsing there. I mean, look. He's the same age.

I'll return. He'll be in the same place. Deirdre and your horse and everyone you ever knew are dead at this point. Stop saying that. You said it last time, too. And it's so hurtful. I'm just saying, but you can get back to the port. then it's like they're still alive.

They're alive and well. And I am the lairs of my castle, so, I mean, they're waiting for me to make some decisions. If you fell into another portal or took another class, would you want to maybe visit somewhere else, like go back and see Judas and yell Bob Dylan at him? I suppose I'd like to see Egypt. Egypt, yeah. Ancient Egypt. I mean, you could go now.

Because that's really all I knew about. Because that's, I don't. Those are the things I knew about. So, like, King Tut, you didn't know about King Tut. He was just discovered in the 70s. Cleopatra. Cleopatra. That was because she was word of mouth.

That old meal for Asps herself. I'll make a meal out of ass. Yeah, Duke. Damn. Did you say damn at your own line? Hell yeah. Because you didn't stutter. keep it short, can't mess it up.

Maybe, maybe you do a one for me, one for them kind of situation with your portals going back and, like, you know, go back. Scorsesey rules. Yeah, exactly. You're just saying Scorsese rules, right?

I love him. Yeah. But, you know, go back, go back to ancient Egypt once, then go back to Deirdre. I want, I need to first just go to Deirdre and finish even a conversation

because, of course, we would not spoil. before the wedding. Oh, so you've never even spoken to her yet other than telling her you need to take a piss twice. Exactly. I can't be alone in a room with her before we get married. So of course, this was our first night together. So you were in the middle of small talk at this point? That's right. So you, I mean, what was the conversation? Like, where it had it led? They're taking a lot of interest in theatre.

I mean, look, I'm just going to if I ever stumble through a portal and find myself back there. And you do what, Scott? I'll kill you With what? I have your fucking knife Give me my knife Give me my knife Whoa whoa whoa

Whoa Also Duke You mentioned Scorsese But I'm wondering Do you Are maybe you're a Verhoven fan Because of all the bugs

I hate those bugs Verhoven wasn't a fan of the bug He was a fan of killing the bugs No the bugs had empathy in the end I've seen Starship Trooper And Beatle Jules Juice. And Borat.

Those are the three or you've seen more? Those are the three or you've seen more? Those are the three. We need you get one more for your letterbox top four. I'm terrified. They're going to ask me. You got to see one more movie. That's why you haven't signed up for letterbox yet?

In addition to not having a phone. Yeah, I need a phone. You got to get a phone. Yeah. It's going to be helpful. Where are you living now? I'm living actually with a phone. few guys in the valley.

Oh, cool. Yeah, they're all actors that are trained. Is this the cast of the valley? It's the cast of the valley. What? How'd you find them? They found me, honestly, on Hollywood Boulevard. They traveled all the way over the hill to Hollywood Boulevard?

Well, they were totally confused. Right. So they came up to the first person they saw, and then one thing led to another. Actually, it's quite a funny story. Okay. Go ahead and tell it. Yeah, go ahead. I'm about to tell my story. Okay. As to how I got involved with the cast of the valley.

You know what? I'm ready to listen. It all started pretty much before right now when I'm telling the story. Yes, everything in your life occurred before this moment. I get it. I had been on Hollywood Boulevard trying to figure out, because of course I had gone. to Labubu thinking that was going to send me back. Oh, because the name Labubu just is a weird name. Sounded like a sorcerer. Right, yeah. Oh, so you went to the item.

He went to the item. Did you get one? I did purchase one. Oh, good. Yeah, those are hard to buy. Bring me Labubu. I'm summoning an audience with Labubu. Then it just turned out to be a kind of weird looking doll.

That's right. Yeah, but fun and cute. I can see how that could be confusing, though, because he does, he looks mystical. He looks like he knows magic. And they're never going to depreciate and value like Beanie Babes. And there's so many people in line to seek audience with him. I thought for sure he would grant me a wish.

I mean, sometimes things that are fun and cute could have power. True. Yeah. So as you were saying, your story. And then basically the cast of the valley found me and, uh, Oh, cool. Oh, yeah, good story. All right.

Well, great. Let's move on to Duke Nukem. Duke, if you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be? I don't really deal with animals, Scott, but if I did deal with one, I'd want one that could speak English. Jesus. Not in a bad way. I just want to be able to talk to it. Because that's the language I speak.

You know what? Fine. If it spoke another language, I would try to learn the language who we could communicate. You could like do a lingo or something like that. Do a lepa. Yep. You could do either of those. rules. I love to Alepa.

She's beautiful, man. She's beautiful. She's gorgeous. Stunning. I'd want I just want maybe just like a big monkey. Okay. Yeah, that's maybe the closest to I mean, dolphins are probably the closest to what could learn English or languages. Yeah, but they can't walk around or wear clothes. Yeah. Can you swim, Duke?

I can swim. I can do anything. How, how many laps could you swim? Three. Not a lot. Do you swim with your guns? Well, that's the issue. I don't take off. My clothes are wearing my boots. My bandoliers are really heavy, Scott. And also, I'm just, I'm really dense.

I haven't taken a shit in 40 days. 40 days. No way. 40. Whoa. Well, um. I gotta go. Yeah.

So, a big monkey? Big monkey, but like, big, we talking. What? What's big for a monkey? Four feet tall? I mean, uh. What is big for a monkey? I mean, are gorillas monkeys?

Gorillas? Well, gorillas are, Well, yeah, I guess they are monkeys. I guess a big gorilla, a King Kong size would be good. Okay, yeah, that's really big. That's really, really big. Yeah, that's Godzilla size. If Godzilla, that's the thing.

If Godzilla comes around, the two of us together, no problem. I think the big monkey would have the majority of the responsibility taking down Godzilla. I'm telling it what to do, though. I'm kind of making all the plans and stuff. And maybe I'm training the big monkey to fight, actually. I'm worried the big monkey would like tear your dick off. You think I'm going to ask it to jack me off or something? You know, come to think of it.

I never started hearing about monkeys tearing people's dicks off until a few years back. Maybe it's no one had ever asked it to jerk them off before. Let me just tell you right now. I'm going to just put you at ease, brother. It's not going to be my first request. All right. All right. It's great to talk to dudes.

It's good talking to dudes. I've always wondered if I could tell a monkey to try. jack me off. And it's so nice to just be in a room that's safe and talk about, like, could we do it? I would ask it. I wouldn't tell it to, just to see if that would. You're getting me lose. So right. You're so right, Scott, and that was so wrong with me. Yeah. Chris Thomas, let's turn to you. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be? I think, um, whatever animal you want, Scott. Whatever I want? Or whatever the room wants. I just, I'm, I'm easy going.

Uh, I mean, this is, look, this is the roundtable. You, this is a safe. I just, I don't want to say anything that'll make anybody kick me out. Chris, you're shaking. Yeah, it's just, she just texted me. She texted you? Yeah. What's up with Quinn? You're shaking like a dang leaf.

So Quinn just texted me. What's going on with Queen? She said, get back here, you fat hog. Where I come from, that's a compliment. Where's that? Where do you come from again? My word. Okay, again, not quite sure.

I haven't really nailed down your details. think you got to take a shit really bad duke i think it's messing with your brain it's filling in my do you mind going to to chris thomas's house to do this though because you don't want me shitting in your house scott no i mean you haven't done it in 40 days i'm worried that like you think it's gonna make a big pile under me i'm worried i'm worried it's gonna be nine-tenth scale to you no and shaped like you duke you sound like a hard-ass motherfucker but do not go into my bathroom something is going on in there. I bet you I could calm her down.

Really, Duke, you think you can calm Quinn down? I think I could do it. What do I say to this for the text? She said, get back here, you fat hog? Yeah. Okay, is she... It's like a bunch of hard emojis. I can't read her!

Can I see your tone? Yeah, are you sure it says, get back here, you fat hog? Or it doesn't say get back here with your fat hog? That's what I was thinking. Maybe that's what it says. I can't think seen straight. I'm shaking.

Yeah, but I think you also need glasses. because you're holding your phone really far away from your head right now. I don't want to look like a nerd. You might be far side. The text on your phone also is gigantic, by the way. Yeah. I put it in old people mode. Yeah.

Are you vain? Is that why you don't want to wear glasses or you don't have money to go to it? A little bit of the mix of the two. I don't want to look. I feel like I can't pull them off. Oh, really? Yeah. I feel like I don't have the shape for it.

Like, can you think of a celebrity with glasses that you say like, oh, those look really good? Liz Lemon. Okay. I mean, you have kind of. of a Liz Lemon. But that's a girl. So. Flair about you in a way. That's crazy to say in a room full of dudes. Sure, but I mean, I just... I can't think of a guy with glasses that I feel like I can look like and... Anderson Cooper? Well, he's gay. Okay. Glasses aren't necessarily specific to sexual... Like, dude, would you wear glasses?

Glasses are gay. You're wearing glasses right now. There's sunglasses. There's sunglasses. There's nothing wrong with not wanting wrinkles, Scott. Yeah, so what does the text actually say, Duke? Yeah. It says, get back here with your big fat hog. Okay, so now here's the thing. I guess, okay, I should maybe get glasses because now she's horny.

I don't get it. Yeah. And what a waste, because I ain't have to go back. You have to go back. What a waste, though. Should we craft a text? Wait, what a waste of a woman being horny? What a waste of her horny feeling?

Yeah. Because I didn't get near that. Scott? I wouldn't go anywhere near that, brother. What would you say back to this? New phone, who did it? Dude, she'd come in here with a cannon. Does she know where you're at, by the way?

She's got my location. Oh, you shared location? Never do that in a relationship. Never do that. Really, I had nothing to hide. I love Quinn. Okay. Chris be brave.

We're all here where men will defend you. I won't hurt the woman, but I will yell. That's my problem is I don't want to. to hurt her because deep down that's somebody I love. That's beautiful. But like some curse took her. Well, the vase is bad, you know. The vase thing is bad.

I would ask her maybe not to bring her work home with her. Yeah, right? I mean, a lot of empty vases sitting around. That's just a recipe for disaster. It's good to have a work-life balance too. Yeah, exactly. Well, I'm using them now for cereal and stuff, and it's a blast. For cereal?

Wow, tall cereal. Interesting. Tall and wide. Yeah. It's nice. I'm an easy person to live with. I'm not going to say... You think you're an easy person to live with,

but you seem inconsiderate. You seem to not be receptive to your girlfriend's needs. Okay. And this is just a bro talking to a bro. And I feel safe. I'm good at bro talk, right? But sometimes as bros,

we need to level with each other and say, bro. So, okay. You need to step up and be a man. and not just a bro. So what would you do in my shoes? In your shoes? Because I don't know if I'm being inconsiderate.

I went, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, what do you need? What do you need? Wait, wait, wait, why are you making those sounds? You know, when I hear... Why do you look like that? Why is your hair like that? What? When I hear, don't turn the TV up too loud? You don't do it?

I wouldn't turn the, I would turn the TV off and say, you know what? Any volume is going to be too loud for her at this point. Okay. Let me just go find a quiet activity. because she needs, you know, she's having some issues here, it sounds like. I know, but those issues to me are a threat to my family. Your family? Me and Quinn's life.

Oh, okay. You consider her to be your family? She's my family. We just moved in. How long have you been dating? That's beautiful. Thank you so much, two months. Okay.

We moved in after a month. You moved in after a month. Okay. And you think this is the one? Yeah, because the question, we both want to get a reptile in the house. Oh. So I love a lizard. A lizard.

The one thing you got to know about reptiles? You're going to have to buy a lot of bugs, and I hate bugs. Are you prepared to buy all these bugs? I'm prepared to do anything that helps her, Scott. I'm really not a bad guy. I don't know that you're able to just focus on your relationship with your partner, let alone another defenseless animal that you'll be in charge with. Well, I'm sorry, if my partner is not going to be consistent

and just change into some kind of scary witch. Witch. Witch. If it's a witch. Are we sure she's not an actual witch? If she's an actual witch, then we've got to deal with it immediately. We got to go to Lububu. We have to go to, I'll go back to Laboubu, give it another shot.

Well, you have a Lubu, you bought a Labubu, maybe. Well, I like my Labuobu. It's big into energy. I can like get it near her or something. Or maybe I can make her go to one of those Pilates classes and send her into like... La Cri. You want to send her into the portal to be with Deirdre? I want to send that monster into the portal.

Not my gorgeous beautiful. Also, Duke. So we're all just going to let that one slide but attack me? Interesting. And Duke, I think I started to understand like when you said right now you hate bugs. So you're talking about bug-sized bugs. I'm talking about, well, no, the bugs that I deal with usually, man-sized bugs. They're big. But the bugs you feed an insect aren't bug-sized bugs. Any bug. A small bug could have the potential to become a big bug. And I'm not going to let it happen. That makes sense. Well, guys, I think we come down on this at horse, big monkey and lizard.

That's right. Or anything my family wants. Okay. All right. Well, you know what? I mean, we've come up on the other side of a break here. But I think we got, you know, we're warming up at this point, you know. I think we got to, you know, some of the issues of the day.

but I think we can go deeper in our next segment. So are you guys prepared for that? Absolutely. Hail to the king, baby. I feel safe and ready with this group. All right, fantastic. We're going to take a break. We're going to be back here with Rupert McDougall, Duke Nukem, Chris Thomas.

The CBB Roundtable will continue right after this. Comedy Bang Bang, the Comedy Bang Bang Roundtable. We're in the middle of it. We have started and we are continuing a page. We're talking about the issues of the day. We're talking about what's on people's mind. You know, in this society, sometimes our news sources are, they can be imprecise. They can be feeding us things that we don't know whether they're true or not.

Sometimes we'll see something in the news and we'll be like, huh. I mean, I didn't know that was a thing. And then you look it up and go like, oh, it wasn't a thing. That news source was just, you know, feeding me a load of. BS, if I can be a little out there. And then sometimes you'll see something on the news and you'll say like, that is definitely not a thing. And you look it up and it is a thing. And you're like, oh,

wow. So I actually did just learn something on the news. We're going to try to cut through all of that right now and just get to what is going on. We're of course joined by, I'll go counterclockwise now. Chris Thomas over here, the local citizen, neighbor of mine. Glad to be here, Scott. For the moment at least. No, I'm sticking it out. I'm You think you are? Okay, great. We have Duke

Newcomb here. People keep asking me if I'm back and I've never really had an answer. But yeah, I'm thinking I'm back. That's John Wick. It's mine now. You can't just take... I take everybody's thing. Hail to the King. That's Ash from the Evil Dead. The other

ones I've done are somebody else's too. So now you're just going to take John Wick's thing? I'll take your thing too, Scott. What was the thing you said in the beginning? The catchphrase? Yeah. I said somebody. about champagne for my real fans, real pain from years of childhood neglect? That's mine now. Okay.

Do you ever see my wife? My wife. Whoa. That's Borat. You can't take Borat's thing? That's right. You know what? And I don't want anybody to get confused. I'm happily single. 10,000 and counting. And counting, really. I haven't stopped wanting to have sex

if you can believe it. But you haven't taken a shit in 40 days. Don't mean I can't smash, brother. I'm worried that if you were you to smash, just suddenly a torrent of shit would come out of your anus. A torn. And no woman wants, or whatever you're into Duke. I'll do it all. You'll do it all.

Oh, your pan? Duke, Duke, Duke's pan, baby. Hail to the king and queen and them. And you're thinking you're back. I'm thinking I'm back. Okay. We also have Rupert McDougall, of course. Your service.

Thank you so much. and we're going to get back to the issues of the day. This is, of course, the CBB roundtable, and let's do it. All right, here we go. Would you rather explore outer space or the bottom of the ocean? We're going to go counterclockwise. Chris Thomas. Well, Scott, whatever you feel comfortable doing it.

Why are you so... What are you just... I'm on edge. What can I say? What's going on here? I'm on edge. I'm scared to say something that you'll disagree with. Why?

You don't live here. You're only spending another maybe 20, 25 minutes here in my place before I kick you out. Okay, fine. I want to see the ocean's floor. You want to see the very floor of the ocean? Is that cool with you? The briny depths? Like, what is it?

Does it look like floor? I mean, in a way, like a dirt floor. What kind of floor are you? Yeah, dirt, not wood or carpet. It's like a little house on the prairie floor. Like, how do we know that? Do you know that? Well, they have, I mean, there's cameras, Jacques Cousteau famously filmed under the floor of it.

Yeah, I mean, you know. I mean, also when you go to the beach, it just looks like the beach. It's the beach. Wait, so the floor of the ocean is sand? Yeah. No. Dirt, yeah, it's wet dirt. No way.

And wet dirt? Don't wet hurt. God, it feels good to be with you. It really does. God! This is what dudes do. That right. Yeah.

Yeah, the floor of the ocean. So you want to see it, though. What about all the creatures underneath the ocean? God. Yeah, I mean, that's kind of cool. I'm a scaredy cat. I'm a little scaredy cat. of shit.

Yeah. You ever, you ever touch a fish? No, I've only touched it an aquarium. Oh. Tapped on it? Yeah, tapped on the glass.

Yeah. They say not to do that. I know when I got in trouble and I stopped. Why do they say not to do that? They don't know what fish think. They're like, oh, the fish got annoyed.

They don't know. We don't know. Yeah, exactly. They might love it. Maybe they're just telling us not to touch it because they don't want to clean it because they don't want fingerprints on it. That's probably what it is.

It's fucking country, man. Get me, don't even get me started. Well, that's what we're here to do was getting all started. Come, me, stop me. Somebody stop me. Oh, you're taking that now? That's Ace Ventura's.

That's actually, guess what I have seen, the mass. Okay. Oh, okay. You saw the, okay, it's the mass. And that's the mass. So that's your top four. Those are my top four. On letterbox, it's.

On letterbox. Beetle juice. Let's rank them. Yeah, okay. Well, the, Bilt juice borat, the two Bs. The mask is number one. The mask and.

Not forest gum. Not forest gum. What was it? Oh, a Starship Troopers. Those fucking bugs. It's Rankum. The mask. Starship Troopers.

Okay. Bore at Beetle juice. No. Beetle juice down at the bottom. It's only out of four, so. Okay. Still pretty good. But you liked it or did you not care for it?

Oh, I loved it. And you'd never seen a movie before. There weren't even really flip books. Lumiere hadn't... I was screaming, beginning, middle, and the whole time... screaming. What is this? What is this over and over? You should have started with that train that comes at the screen first. To really get a big scare. I almost got kicked out of vidiots.

You went to Vidiates? Did you go with the cast of the valley? I did. I did. I did. So they left the valley and made it all the way to Highland Park? I didn't know what it was or what I was looking into. I'm not sure. What are you doing here? No, you're taking sketch now? You can't take sketches?

What are you going to take? Isn't that special or pump you up? It's okay. I'm trying to think of one that I like. It's okay. Take your time. You can do it.

We believe in you. What was that Pete Davidson guy? Jesus. The one who just kind of went, uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Glad we waited for that.

Hey. That's what dudes do, though. They support each other. Dudes let each other wait. Yeah. Yeah. And Duke, since we've been waiting for your answer, even though I haven't posed a question to you, would you rather explore outer space or the bottom of the ocean? Well, if you can believe it, I've been to outer space because that's where all the bugs come from.

So I'm starting to my extermination all the way up there. You took the fight to them. I took the fight to them. Okay. Welcome to Earth. Can't take that either. Are they from a certain planet or a collection of planets? They're sort of from all over.

They're kind of just popping up all over the goddamn place. Why so many bugs everywhere? I'm trying to get tents up there, but I'm worried that they're going to blow away. Yeah. So you can put the fumigation inside the tents. That's right. Got it. But I kind of think the ocean seems kind of...

Yeah, you followed my train of logic. Are you satisfied with that? I'm satisfied. No further questions. But you think the ocean is cool? The ocean does seem pretty cool, but I don't know if they're... any bugs down there. Shrimp bugs.

Yes. Shrimp's a bug? They're bug-like in the sense of they're annoying. You're annoyed by shrimp. You don't like it when they try to throw it in your mouth when you're at a restaurant? I guess I'm more annoyed at the chefs.

You're right. You're right. Chefs is bugs. I came here to have a nice meal. Yeah. With my family and my extended family and you don't need to be throwing these shrimp back me. And some strangers.

There's going to be some strangers. I want a nice a nice just dinner against a counter while I watch the person cook. I don't need him throwing food. Let him cook, you say. Exactly. Exactly. And I want to see that big onion volcano.

That's fine by me. That's good. Or the rice heart? The rice heart. Oh, Quinn loves the rice heart. Yeah. What about when they try to squeeze the ketchup at you and you get all scared? That's my bedroom right now. Do you mean the red gogert? No, Scott. We got to get you in a gogert class or something.

Is period blood gogert? Period blood is gogert. It's the devil, Duke. So the bottom of the ocean is what you're sticking with? I think I got to get down there, see what is and isn't bugs. Yeah. Oh, look at that. My screensaver on my TV right now, it's at the bottom of the ocean.

It's a live feed, right? Yep. Are they live streaming this? I love that. Yep. And all we see are just like starfish at the bottom? Is that all that? I was about to say, where are all the fucking fish? Yeah.

What's going on? Maybe the starfish ate all the fish? Maybe they're killer starfish. This is the real ocean gate. Where are all the fish? Yeah, where's the Benihonnas? Yeah. All right, let's turn to Rupert McDougall.

What would you rather explore outer space or the bottom of the ocean? Well, first I have to ask, do all you men know how to swim? I have taken lessons. and I'm here to tell you that I am okay at it. Okay, Chris. I actually did a brief stint as a swim instructor. Oh, really? Yeah.

And so you can swim? You didn't answer the question. I taught kids out of swim, so. You can swim, though? And I've taught kids out of swim. Chris, are you okay? She texted me again? Oh, she texted you again?

What's good? What she said, man? I can't read it. I don't know my classes. I need classes. I need classes, and I need the state tree. Rupers. Not the starship troopers, though, right?

Do you want to, Duke, do you want to read this text? Please. For Chris over here. This is from Quinn, you know, though? Yeah. Is there a certain, like, sounds that you put on your phone? Well, I'm going to change it to, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, once a month.

And the other time, it'll be like, my sweet baby's calling me. That's the Empire theme from Empire Strikes Back, by the way, Rupert. Don't know what you're talking about. Okay, all right. We hit the top four. This text, you really do need glasses.

It says, parentheses, I'm horny. Oh, no. Rupert, you should go have your way with that demon. Rupert. Rupert. Use me. Rupert, you can both solve each other's problems. Literally, listen, maybe, because it's a monster, right?

It's not Quinn. It's not my baby. You can get some practice. Yeah, you can get in there and smash. And then it'll probably send you back to your portal. You'll do it so fast. You'll come so quickly because you've never had sex before. It'll send you Kareem back to you at least one hour like me.

You think that the first time I come, I'm going to fly through space time. You'll come so quick, much like the cosmic treadmill. Much like if Duke takes a shit how it will send him flying upwards because they will fire. Or like when you buy a gogurt that's extra full, it'll fly out. Yes. When you shake a gogert. You'll just like, Quinn will be there. How would you shake a go-gun and it gets all carbonated and explodes?

Now, is there going to be some sort of, like, trickery that we pull on, Quinn, where she thinks it's you? See, this is why I don't like this idea, and I'm not going to do it because, of course, I'm saving myself. Because I've seen movies like this, films like this. Exactly, and they don't do them anymore. It's in the 80s, apparently, I'm told. No, I believe I saw some recently where there's some sort of trickery and they trick. Are these home movies? Oh, I see.

I see what happened. And somewhere they, where the men are tricked into thinking it's a sex doll, but it actually is a real woman. Scott, Scott. I'm sick of men being tricked, by the way. I know. It's like, can't just be illegal. My God. Stop lying to men.

Thank you. You're telling me there's a world where I return to my wife. I think I'm about to finally, finally consummate. but I'm actually having sex with a doll. Is that what you're telling me might happen to me? Maybe, I don't know. I'm just saying whatever happens in there, you have no experience.

You'll probably do it so quickly that... Or is it the opposite that I think it's a doll, but it's a person. Look, I've seen all sorts of these films on the internet. This is movie after movie after movie. Yeah, this is my top four on letters. I'm just saying this is a way to solve both of your problems. you don't want to consummate your relationship with Quinn because it discussed you.

Right. Just right now. Just right now. Yeah, right now. Because it's different. And maybe you could come over once a month and get a little, you know, experience. And so when you get back to Deirdre, you can be a compassionate lover. I think this is such a good point.

And I also think there's something weirdly mystical going on over there that I think it'll send you back home to her. So you'll be able to like get some practice and get back. I cut these temptations. Also, confirmed Scott is a foot guy and the porn addict. I'm writing it down. These are not two separate things. This is like subsets. But to answer your question, what is outer space?

Oh, you know the stars? Oh, yes. You know, the bear up there and the guy, the archer and all that kind of stuff. Oh, yeah, look at the screensaber. Oh, my God. Screensaver has now gone to outer space I don't know, guys. Do screensavers have algorithms?

That was crazy. So crazy. Yeah, it's up in the sky. I don't understand what I'm looking at. Can you explain it? Oh, that's a view from outer space down to the earth. That's a bird's... But who's doing it?

There are satellites up there that take pictures now. God damn, it's filled with bugs now. The ocean's filled with bugs. And we're back under the ocean with jellyfish everywhere. I got to get down there and give them swift justice. Outer space is, if you go up really, really high in the sky, you know the blue up there in the sky during the day? I don't see a lot of blue in Los Angeles, I have to see. Quite honestly.

Smog. It's a combination of smoke and fall. It's sad. It's really sad. It's really sad. It's pretty bad, actually. Yeah. Well, the blue is just a reflection of the oceans.

And, oh, boy, that was too complex for Rupert. If you go up really high, it's not a ceiling. You don't crack your head on it. You can just keep going and going. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a ceiling. It's not a ceiling.

You can go up, the air gets thinner until there's no air. Well, let's just say the small talk is about to become very deep when I return to Deirdre and tell her there's no ceiling up there. Because before that, we were talking about the mead. Oh, yeah, how it made you feel. the wedding and the ceremony and stuff like that necessarily if she's ready to go. But that's the real stuff, right? If you came back from the bathroom and you tried to explain to her outer space, like out of nowhere, after going to the bathroom twice, it looks like you're scared.

Or you're going out there and getting some psychedelic plants or something like that. What the hell are you talking about? I'm just saying like it just, you seem like a strange person to Dider, who's by all accounts, ready to go and just wants to be lain upon. You need to stop talking. about my wife. I beg your pardon. I beg your pardon.

So to answer your question, I suppose it's the ocean. We're just a couple ocean loving guys. So just three ocean guys? All right. Literally just. What about you, Scott?

No one's asking you. No one is asking me. You know what? I've been down there, you know? But up there, too scary. I don't know. I'm going to pick terra firma.

I just want to stay here. I don't want to go anywhere. I like my neighborhood other than, I mean, quite honestly. I guess, Chris, don't make a habit out of coming over here. I mean, this has been so good, though. Everyone has been so good.

Everyone's been really nice to you. Do you have other friends? Yeah, I have a couple. Like, who's in your bro pack? I got Marty. Marty's great. He works at the Y, YMCA. Okay.

Marty's great. I think it's just, because I have brothers too, right? I've just never lived with. Yeah. Do you have any? sisters? No. No. Okay. So this is your first, what about your mother, though? Your mother made. My mom never came home from the casino. Oh, no. We'd visit her there. Oh, really? She's there 24 hours? Yeah. I mean, they give you free drinks and food. Yeah, literally. You don't have to go. We'd visit her. It was so fun. Some of the best memories of my life. So you've never been around this at all. I've never been around a woman 24-7. But I'll stop talking about that. I love my brothers. I love my boys. But this group here, I don't know what it's been. It's there's something really special here.

You got three more brothers is what it is. Yeah. Or at least two. I'm a neighbor. Okay. Wow. I think neighbor beats brother. I disagree, but I'll let you have it.

Scott, the moment men sit around the table. Over drinks. A round table. A round table discussing manly issues. Manly issues. They become brothers. Yeah. These are particularly manly issues today, aren't they?

They really are? Yeah. It's a man's duty to explore space or the ocean or have a pet. Yep. That's what we all want to do is men, right? Or say at home. We're scared to talk about it. We're scared to be like, what's ketchup?

Yes, exactly. Do I want to meet fish? It's hard. Yeah. Well, all right. It's time for our speed round, and we know what happens with the speed round. We ask one question really fast. If you had a million dollars, what would you buy first?

Going to Duke Nukem. I buy another clone of me. You had to buy the previous ones? Yeah, but it was actually more expensive, so I'd be getting a good deal if it was just a million dollars. So you own your clones? I own my clones. Okay.

Very good. All right, let's go to Rupert McDougal. I've gotten very into fragrances lately. Oh, really? Because I spend a lot of time at scent bar in Hollywood. Oh, okay, yeah. Is that over there by Sir or wherever they? That's correct.

Okay. So I would like that. to buy a few perfumes. Cool. And let's just say just a few would be a million dollars. I'm here, right, gentlemen. Everything smelled bad in 1772, I bet.

It really did, and I didn't know that until I got here. And you're going and taking pisses and shits everywhere. Well, most again. I wish. I wish it for you, too. Yeah, I wish it for you too, Duke.

All right, Chris Thomas, what would you buy? A frozen chamber to freeze my girlfriend when she's in a good mood. Keep her there forever. Forever. It's rapid fast. So I think what you're thinking is you'd freeze her like in a cryo chamber. Yeah.

For the week that she's having this affliction. Yeah. But the problem with... Keep her happy, healthy and horny. I feel like the... Is it established in the alien franchise? Whether people have their periods at regular intervals in the cryo chambers? I don't know anything about it.

Or whether when you wake up you're like in the exact same state. I think you're just frozen, right? So it's like if you were on your period when you went in. to the cryo chamber, then you're on it when you come out. I don't know. I'm disgusting. Do we think that the wrestler Triple Hs, the H's were happy, healthy, and horny? I hope so. I hope so, too.

Yeah. That's one thing. We as a society can all agree. That's right. The big three. The big three. Well, I think we've done it, guys. This is really, I think we made a dent at least.

You know, we're not, obviously, we're not going to solve anything here on the CBB roundtable, but we made a little bit of dent into understanding where we all come from. Look, we're all dude, so we're all coming from basically the same point of view, right? Truly, we're about all three are going to hit like a huge trial when we leave this room. You're going to finally take a shit. You're going to find Deidra and just deflower that woman. And I'm going to beat this monster. You're going to defeat it.

Defeat it. You're going to defeat the monster. You were pointing at your penis when you said that. You're just going to go home and jerk off. It's full of gogerts, Scott. Okay. All right. Well, guys, we are running out of time, unfortunately.

we only have time for one final feature on the show and that is, of course, a little something called plugs. I thought I probably like to keep it on. All right. Did she say I want to watch you shit, Duke? That's going to cost extra. Extra for, what is she already paying for? My only fans.

Oh, whoa. You have an only fan's Duke, Newcomb? I'm a content creator. And the content I create kicks ass. All right. That, by the way, was my very best. plug bag remix. Nope, sorry, that was Love Y'all by XOXO. Thank you to XOXO for that plug bag submission. If you have a plug bag submission, head over to

CBBWorld.com slash plugs. You'll find everything you need over there. You'll find links to submit your stuff. Other things. All right, guys, what are we plug in? Let's go to Rupert McDougal first. What do we want to plug here? I've been going to to a theater called the upright citizens brigade. Is that in the valley? No, no. I go with the crew of the valley. We go over the hills.

There's been a lot of time in Hollywood. That's right. People from the valley pretty much only go to Hollywood if they're not in the valley. Is that established on those shows? I haven't watched the Valley, but do they say like, oh no. You brought up the Valley and you've not watched it? We all live in the Valley because it's cheaper over there because it's so hot. It's 10 degrees hotter.

Does that ever come up on this show? For some people, it's just the Valley has character and it's a beautiful. of place. Not really. I live there for a long time. It's pretty much just... Well, I know people from there who grew up there.

Oh, really? And they think it as character? Like what? The bookstore on Ventura and Laurel Canyon? Bookstar. Yes, correct. Bookstar with the big marquee? Absolutely.

Oh, yeah. Wow. You know that that's a quaint, beautiful bookstore. Oh, and it happens to be across the street from Chin Chin. Yes. So you know it quite well.

But I'll plug Just go into a Herald Knight at UCB Monday nights Monday nights and are there any particular teams Sure, sure I've seen a team called Yikes But all the teams are a delight And I'd recommend all of them And are they able to be live streamed on Harold Nights

Or is that not live streamed What happened? Are you free to talk about this much like how I pee? Unclear, but freely so if you're in Los Angeles if you live in the valley drive over those hills

drive over the hills all right Duke Nucum what do we plug in sometimes I make a little appearances on a podcast called Get Played with Matt Apodaca Nick Wager and Heather Ann Campbell it's a video game

I'm from a video game Oh that's where I know That's awesome Yeah I'm from a video game I miss playing those Yeah well you aren't allowed to play them at Quinn's place No that's why I got Nickelodeon all the time

But yes, you can check that show out. They have a Patreon. Patreon.com slash Get Played where they have a bonus show there too. And then one of the guys on the show... You boned this show too? They have a bonus show there too. All right. I wish I could bono show.

Boner show. Is that something? That's awesome. That's what this is, kind of. It would be great if you could have sex with podcasts. Oh, man. They wouldn't bleed. It'd be easier.

Sure. One of the guys on that show, Matt Apodaca is on an upcoming Netflix animated series called Strip Law, and it's a really funny show, so you should check that out. This is about Naked Lawyers on the Vegas Strip in Las Vegas. Okay. So you could check that out on Netflix on February 20th. All right. Chris Thomas, what do you want to plug? Sometimes when I go on a walk to get my girlfriend's base, I listen to a podcast called Artists on Artists on Artists.

This just happened to you. Why are you? For the first time. It's just been, I've been up for three days. Oh, okay. So the last two days when I've been wanting to go on a walk, I'll listen to Artists on Artist on Artist. It's Improv Podcasts with a bunch of losers.

Okay. I want to plug, look, head over to, I mentioned it before, CBBWorld.com. We have the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang. We've been doing this almost 17 years. We have every single episode we've ever done. Every single live episode we've ever done. It's all over there if you want to, look,

don't waste your time of the first 12 years. but the last five have been really good. No, wait a minute. COVID was fine. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, after COVID. Yeah, start right after COVID. And we also have so many shows over there. We have CBB Presents where people from this show have their own shows.

We have Scott hasn't seen where I watch movies with that I haven't seen before with Sprag the Whisperer. We have College Town. We have the neighborhood listens. Womp It Up. The entire Womp It Up archive is over there. So much going on over there. Head over to CBBWorld.com. Also, we have action figures, new action figures.

ready to order. We mentioned this last week. Two new Comedy Bang Bang, 3.75 inch action figures by FC toys, Forville and bandleader Reggie Watts. They're available now at figurecollections.com. Forville is a little bit shorter than the other action figures, but he comes with two knives. I've got to give you your knives back, by the way. Also in stock, we have Italiano Jones, Entre P. Neuer, Randy Snuts, and Carissa, Big Sue, Sprague the Whisperer, and of course myself, more coming soon in series.

Series 2. We're in the middle of series 2 right now. And look, these are gorgeous. I have them right up there on full display. Those are cool, Scott. Gorgeous action figures. They're available for customers worldwide at figure collections.com. Free shipping with the U.S. address. And if you're shipping to Europe, visit action figure seller, seller meaning like the thing below the regular floor of a house,

not a person who sells things, for cheaper import fees. All right, let's close up the old. plug bag. I want to close the bag, baby, step on in. I want to close it tight. You know the way you win. I want to close that bag.

I want to make it right. So just close that bag. Hold those ladders tight. And just loose in the bag. In the bag. Oh, didn't end with malice. Okay. Well, that was my very best plug bag remix.

Just kidding. I spent 23 minutes and called it good by Kev Mealy. Thank you to Kev Meeley. And when, you know, look, speaking of thank you's, I want to thank our incredible panel here today. Rupert McDougal. Thank you for having me. Remind me to give you your knife back. And I hope that you find yourself back there with Deidre, if you are indeed saving yourself for her. And now you have a little bit of, you know, a little bit of info about the heavens above. I've learned a lot. Give me the knives now. You'll forget, if not. Sorry, we haven't pressed stop on this recording yet.

I'm not going to give you the knives just to be murdered on my own show. I'm going to put the knives somewhere. I'll give you directions to them after I lock my doors. We also have Duke Newcomb. Thank you so much for being here. Hail to the king, baby. Any other catchphrases from movies you want to steal or SNL sketches? I'm done.

Okay. And Chris Thomas, new neighbor of mine, want to thank you so much. But this is where our association ends, unfortunately. What about this time next month? Uh, no, I can't. I mean, maybe if I'm doing a show, that's the only time the doors are open. Other than that, we have the alarms on. The doors locked. All right.

Well, I'll just get your phone number and we'll coordinate from there. Uh, love you guys. Hey, you know what? We love you. She just texted me a picture of her tits. I'm out of you. And you can see those? Are you sure they're tits?

Hey, show it to Duke Nukum. Are these tits? Those are tits. Let's go! All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye.