Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Gelsons Ganz (Zach Galifianakis, Charlie McCrackin, Lisa Gilroy)

Episode Date: February 10, 2025

Zach Galifianakis, star from the hit series "Baskets," joins Scott to discuss his new movie "Lilo & Stitch," why he should know Dread Zeppelin, and who really hates Silicon Valley anyway? Then a representative from the IQ department drops in to give Zach and Scott a test, Inspector Jack Cates stops by while continuing his search for Ganz, and paganist Shrunkenhead Babywitch pops in to promote her work on "Wicked."  Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

A comedy bang bang, bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy, bang. A man, a man, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama? more like con man no plan a band Iowa welcome to comedy bang bang bang hmm thank you to grok the good witch grok the good witch for that catchphrase submission don't know if that's going to stick

a little long but the hunt continues but welcome to comedy bang bang for another week my name is Scott Ackerman I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang bang we have an exceptional show today we have an actor slash a hyphenid I would say we'll just call him a

No, I'm talking about you. Oh. Are you as impressed now? No. Okay. Not at all. We have a hyphenate. We have an inspector, a police inspector.

We also have a paganist on the show. So a lot of great people on the show today. But let's talk to the hyphen it first. Let's see how many parts of this hyphen we can come up with. We have actor. We have comedian. father, husband, social critic, social critic. Scrablist?

Scrablist, raconteur? Yeah. You've told me at least one story. Yep. I think you stole it from Aesop's fables, but I'm not sure. Gardner. Gardner, that's right. You're the constant gardener.

I like the gardener. Although you take breaks. Sometimes. You're the semi-constant gardener. I can't be that constant. Because growing season's not that long. That's true. Are we in the middle of growing season right now?

No. We're not... We'll take a look down here. Anyway, let's welcome him. You know him as the star, the titular hangover. I've done other things. In the hangover trilogy. He also apparently has done other movies.

That is a surprise to me. Please welcome Zach Allifinax. Back to the show. Hello, Zach. Thanks, Scott, for having me. Wonderful to have you. Is it a prerequisite to be... familiar with the show to participate in the show? Well, you have been on it approximately,

I'm going to guess 10 times. Probably. And you were on the TV show five times once a season. Really? That's right. So when you asked me why Weird Al was on the poster that I have over here, it confused me because you were on an episode with him. Yeah. You know, when you've done so... Talking to the mic, I've done so many projects over the years that it's hard. No, I do now remember Weird Al being there now that you say that. Yeah. It was a lot of fun. It was. It was. Yeah.

Nice man. A very nice man. Very, very nice man. And you as a man are, you're in the ballpark. Being nice. Yeah, which is where you want to be if you're playing baseball. Sure. Like, imagine you get a job playing baseball.

You get up in the morning. You brush your teeth. You wash your pits. You get dressed in your outfit, your little baseball outfit. You drive your Camaro or whatever you're driving to work. You step out of work. you look around, you realize you're in an office building, you're not in a ballpark. There's a long way to go for what point?

You're in the ballpark of being nice. Very good. That's where you want to be. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Zach, you came here with nothing to promote. You have no projects. You have nothing on the horizon you were telling me.

You're semi-retired, perhaps. I mean, there are a couple things that I have working, but I don't know when they come. out. You don't know when they come out? Well, one of them I know comes out in May. In May? Yeah, we're not that far off from May. What are we talking about here? A movie. Movie. Yeah, I haven't seen it, so I don't... I'm making the rectangle with my thumb and four fingers. You're not doing a talent scout on the side? That's right. I'm doing an aspect I get this. I get this a lot. This is how it's discovered. Someone just put the rectangle up to your face. I got to have this kid. What is this movie? Tell us about it.

Frames per second, 24? It's a remake because this town is out of ideas. Okay, talking to the mic. It's called Lilo and Stitch. Oh, that's right, Lilo and Stitch, a favorite in our household. Have you seen it? Yes, of course. I saw it opening weekend, then I've seen it recently because as a family, we watch it sometimes.

Huh. I've never seen it. Never seen it. So you didn't do any research at all. I didn't want to work. I didn't want to I didn't want to bruise my performance by seeing the original

I wanted to keep it Are you a lot like Christopher Walken who crosses out all of the punctuation in his lines He does? He doesn't want anyone telling him How to say the words I saw a headline that he's never had a cell phone

Interesting Yeah that was a headline You should buy him one Nope I think it's smart I think it's smart I'd have one Just a big in a box With a big bow on it

To Christopher from Zach You have other guests I do, but I love talking to you. Oh, okay, keep going then. That's right. So you're in Lilo and Stitch. You play, I think you were telling me you're one of the aliens, right? Like the captain?

Yeah, one of, his name's Jumba. Are you the one Kevin McDonald played or the other one? Which is the heavier one? Yeah, the other one. Is this a green screen kind of thing? It's got great question. Great question. Thank you so much.

It's both. It's animated and it's also live action. So your character gets animated, but you also see the human version of me. So were you ever wearing the mocap suit with all the ping pong balls on it and all that kind of stuff? I don't think so. No, I don't think I ever wore that. No, I don't think I did. So you just showed up to work in street clothes. And they're like, he's as fat as the character.

We're good. Well, this is exciting. Lilo and Stitch comes out in May. This is, I mean, this is going to be a huge, huge movie, I think. Good. Yeah. And you need one, quite honestly. We've been wanting one. Let's check out this.

Yeah, let's check out this resume. What's been going on with Zach recently. Let's see. I didn't know this is part of this. Yeah, let's check out. I mean, I have other things in my life that are not business related that I'm more proud of. Well, we'll get to personal life. Oh.

Filmography. That's a long interview already. 2024, something called winner. Mm-hmm. And Thelma the unicorn. That's it. That's it. 2023, the Beanie Bubble.

That's it? That's it. Yeah. 2022. Everything's come to her screeching home. The Bob's Berger's movie, which I assume is a cameo. Uh, yeah. 2021, Ron's gone wrong.

Yeah. Remember that one? These are all children's movies. Yeah. Is it for, I mean. We need a hit. We need a hit. God, we need a hit bad.

You sound exactly like. when I look at the mirror in the morning. You know what you were really great in, though, and I haven't talked to you about this, but... Comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, yes. But only murders in the building. You were in this last season.

I thought you added some incredible levity to what could be a very scary show. Yes. So many murders taking place. Yes. You were sort of the comic relief of that. Okay. Barely had any lines.

Barely. You were very funny. I thought the montage of you, with Martin Short was a lot of fun. You know him? Have you met him? I've never met him. He's one of my favorites. Beautiful man. Yeah. Beautiful man. Really? It was fun working.

Tell us some stories about Steve and Martin. I'm private that way. You're private, really. You don't want to tell any stories. Do you want to tell stories about just, do you want to just recap some of their movies? Sure. Yeah, tell us the plot to the jerk. Well, Martin Short's not in the jerk. All right, three amigos.

Okay, three amigos is about these, I think, In Mexico, it's called Trace Friends. So do you want the Mexican version? I won the Mexican version, yes. It's about three dudes that work at a costume shop, and then they go to Mexico with their costumes or something like that. It's been a long time since. Martin Short and Steve Martin were very fun to work with,

and I could tell Martin Short was trying to make me not say my lines correctly. He was trying to crack you up? So people would get mad at me. And because I told him, I'm like, can you please not make faces when I'm doing my lines? Because I'm messing up. He goes, oh, I know. It was very funny. So a lot of, a lot of the bigger stars are the stars of a show won't even be there for coverage.

I've heard that before. I've never experienced that. Do you stick around for it? I would love, if I could find somebody with my size head to do my reverses. But really, it's a head issue, head-size issue for you. Yeah. We put a wig on my size. Dukakis once while he had the helmet on still and still wasn't big enough.

Well, this, so Martin Short trying to crack you up. That's a dream come true. Yeah, he was, he was very funny, obviously. Yeah, well, it's a good, it's a very funny season. You're really, it's you and Eugene Levy and Eva Longoria, playing fictional movie star versions of the trio. And these guys are people who've starred in movies themselves, so it's all so metatextual. Was it ever difficult to, to figure out? out exactly what was happening on the set. Like, who am I? Am I? Martin Short, am I me? Hmm. I've never thought about that until now. Yeah. Do you think you got it right every single time? Nope. I've never gotten anything right in front of the camera. Can you, uh, uh, tell,

because I feel like, I feel like these two are going to get as much questions. We're getting to the other guests on the show. Okay. I'm uncomfortable with the, I feel like I've told this story on, some podcast, but I'd love to hear it from your version because he's no longer with us. Of course, he worked with Louis Anderson, who a lot of people I know were great friends with. And I went to a birthday party for one of your children once, and Louis did something very funny. Do you recall what it was? Louis, well, Louis showed up the wrong day. He showed up the wrong day as well?

Yeah, he showed up. Well, one birthday party he showed up and no one was there, and it was the first time I'd had a nap in seven years. and I never forget it because I hear Oh, it's not today from the front door And I was like Is that Louie at my front door? But I don't know about the other party The other one I remember coming to

And this was the right day And there was a face painting station Uh huh Oh yeah He got past as a lion or something Yes he was first in line Uh huh And to paint his face

It took an hour And all the kids behind him Were in line Really upset Oh, he was such a beautiful dude. He got his face painted as a lion and then just walked around never mentioning it to anyone when I vainly remember that now. He was very funny. Such a sweetheart.

He really, really was. Great guy, great show, baskets. But that was, honestly, that was 2016 to 2019. We need a hit. We need a hit. Like that one. We need a hit. A basket-sized hit.

We need a hit. We need a hit. We got to figure this out. I'm looking at your TV resume 2016 Bajillion dollar properties created by my wife of course you're very funny

in that I never saw that You never saw it you're very funny I've never seen it Yeah we'll show it to you at some point I feel like I hit myself in the face A bunch of times for that Oh fun Do you remember what part you were

Oh no you were playing yourself That's right I was? Yeah you were selling your house And Dan Adute came by To be the real estate agent For your own house or something like that It was very funny

Ryan Rangel Yes, he was in the cast. Right. from the Between Two Ferns movies. Yes. Maybe the last notable thing on your resume. Maybe you're talking about Ryan.

Who, are you talking about Ryan? But we need a hit and that is a huge, huge movie. We have Billy Magnuson. from Into the Woods and Game Night. We have Tia Carrere from Wayne's World. But we have, oh, Hannah Waddingham from Ted Lassow. He's so nice, isn't he, Ted Lassow?

We love him. The guy that plays him. We love him for being nice. No, the character. Yeah. We love him because he's so nice, don't we? Uh, yep. We love a nice, nice coach, don't we?

Yep. We want our coaches to be nice, don't we? Why did I say yes? Well, I mean, it's just like I could just text no. That's true. No, you felt like you owed me for some reason. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know why.

I do. We also have the gallerist coming up. Oh, this is exciting. We have Jenna Ortega and Natalie Portman, a thriller directed by Kathy Yan. Oh, my gosh, this sounds amazing. Tell us about this. Charlie X. CX is in this? She plays my girlfriend.

Your girlfriend, really? Yeah, I think so. I think so. I don't know who she is. You think so. Did you read the script? No, I know she does, but I didn't, I didn't see her do it, but she's got cast. But I don't know about her.

I don't know anything about it. Wait, have you not filmed this yet? Yeah, just got back from filming it. So you just got back from filming it. You never saw her play your girlfriend. All right. Well, let me tell you how movies work, Scott. They shoot you out because you have a busy schedule.

Do you know Charlie XX? I've never met her, no. I mean, I really enjoy her music. Like, do people know her music? She's brat. I know that. I just don't, I'm not, I'm 55. I'm not supposed to know who she is, right?

Well, the cutoff, yeah, is 50. You're supposed to know who Dred Zeppelin is. I don't know who that is. You don't know who Dred Zeppelin is? I would imagine that's a Red, uh, Led Zeppelin cover band. It's a Led Zeppelin cover band who plays reggae versions of Led Zeppelin songs with an Elvis impersonator as their lead singer. I am so sorry that you didn't get sent the link to the documentary.

Am I too young or too old to know that? You were, you were supposed to get the documentary on your 50th birthday. No, I didn't get it. I'm so sorry, I'll get this sent to you. Don't worry. You know, I was in the cover man once. Really? What was it?

We were called the Pretenders. Thank you. Going to the act. Was that in the act? I'm going to put it down. Are you doing stand-up? Oh, God. It's, yeah, I have tried.

Well, you've been out there working on a new hour for approximately 17 years. Yeah. No. No. When was the last one you put out? Uh, 2000. 2008 probably or seven talking to the mic,

2006, seven or eight, I don't know 2008 or so We are now in 2025 We need another stand-up special We need a stand-up special And we need a hit Yeah We need to get your color

Back on track A lot of pressure Can I manage you? I'm not that interested In the whole thing You're not interested In what I can offer you? What can you do?

To get the rust off the career. First of all, I can't get anyone on the phone. I barely got messages back from you. I'm now regretting it immensely. So that's out. But I am willing to just use a lot of shoe leather. I'm willing to walk around. You're ready to hit the pavement.

Hit the pavement. I'm willing to walk around outside of these buildings, you know, all the agencies and all the movie studios. Well, you know, I flyer the Third Street Promenade with my headshot. every other weekend. See, this is what I'm talking about. Old school show business. That's what you are. These kids want to tweet and Instagram their stuff.

Is that what they do? I don't even know what people do. Nowadays they call it X.X.com. X. X. X, yeah. Yeah. They're ruining the world, all that Silicon Valley, that whole ilk. What a unique opinion?

Is it not, is it, is it, is that, I don't think people talk about it at all. You don't think people are talking about this? Do people talk about how they're, ruining everything? Hmm, I'll have to check. I don't listen to podcasts, as you know. Mm-hmm. Especially.

But, um... See, this is what I don't like. You come on this show and you say you don't listen to podcast. You should, you should lie and say you listen to this podcast. I've never listened to this podcast. Why not? I have other things to do. I don't know how people sit around and listen to podcast.

What do you have to do that's so important? errands. What kind of, what are you going to party city? What kind of errands are we talking? Right before I got here, I, uh, I went and got a battery, a fob. It took me 25 minutes to get it out of the package. So that eats up a lot of time,

and I can't listen to a podcast where I'm dealing with a battery fob. Yeah. I mean, we should mention that you are a very low IQ individual. So you got my text. Yeah. Yeah. Also, low T. Low testosterone. Yeah.

Yeah. Hi. What is the estrogen? You're working. through a lot. So you don't have time. My IQ is probably low. Do you, a lot of people? No, I should say I, I'm not very educated.

Mm-hmm. But I might have some wisdom. You went to some college, did you not? I was a film minor in an agriculture school. Like at a farming school. Right. But not necessarily the greatest

film school. But what was your major? You were a film minor. Communications. And then I never graduated. Well, you're talking right now. So you, I mean, you have some sort of a handle. Right now, we're having a dyad. Thank you so much. So, I mean, if you, if you had to guess, keep in mind this is a scale of 1 to 200.

What do you think your IQ is? And then can we get it tested? 200 being the highest? 200 is the highest. 198, I guess. So you're knocking two points off just because you went to film school and agriculture school. For modesty. How did they test IQs?

I think they ask you a bunch of questions. I've never had it done. Like math? Maybe they ask you 200 questions and they just count one point for each one. I have no idea. Would you ever take one? I would take one. I think you and I should go together.

I bet I have more common sense, but I bet your IQ is higher. You think you have more common sense than I do? Yes. In what subject? Life. Just in life. Okay. Yep.

But you think that my book smarts. You're probably. have a better education than I do. Where'd you go to school? San Francisco State? No. I went to acting school. Oh, then I'm much better than you.

Never mind. I take everything back. I really want to do this together. I think you and I should go test our IQs and have a competition. It would be amazing if one of us had a really high IQ. That would be crazy. I think I think. Do they do it past our ages?

Or do they have to do it when you're young? I wish there were other people here to chime in. I don't know. We're going to look into this. Do you edit this? No. Our editing machine broke, like about 12 years ago. Before we go on, and I feel like I always ask you this, how many people listen to this?

I mean, honestly, is it 80? Are we talking during a fiscal year? Yeah, during the fiscal year. Okay. Well, like, okay, oh, wait, we have the numbers in Scott. And I'm sorry to tell you that Zach when we got 16 people to listen. I don't know. And three of them were his aunts.

I think that might be generous. I have no idea of people are listening. There's no... There's no Nielsen. We asked the Nielsen family, hey, do you want to listen to a podcast? And they were all like, we're too busy watching TV.

But there's no counting of this. Oh, okay. They don't do numbers that low. Okay. Yeah. But you get, honestly, it's probably hundreds of thousands of people, right? I have no idea.

How many people saw your movie winner? You know what? I don't read the trades. This might really surprise you. you, except when I go to the dentist, they're there. Really? In the dentist office, really? Yeah.

Where you live? No, not in Canada. I go to the dentist here. Oh, okay. Oh, you only go to U.S. Dennis. Right. I get it.

No, I'll go to Canadian dentist too, but that's where I see the trades. They're too nice to tell you if you have a cavity there. Canadians are nice. That's why I made that joke. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for catching up. They have another side to them.

Oh, okay, because you're married to one. No, I'm just saying. lived up there for a number of years. Yeah. People are more complicated than we think. Well, you're back on our shores. We love you here. You're one of our United States is, and our states are united.

You're one of our greatest movie stars, seguesed into TV, did baskets. Can I really ask you, do people really hate Silicon Valley? It doesn't. The show or the, the, the, the culture, what they're doing. I think they like the show. But what they're doing to the rest of the world. Do people really, like you were, you were being sarcastic, but I really. really do want to know. I don't hear people complain about it. You're up in Canada. They don't even

have Silicon Valley. Where is Canadian Silicon Valley? No, really, do people really legitimately like sit around and go, are their podcasts going, they're ruining everything? Yes. Oh, they are. Yes. Oh, by who? Because I'd like to listen. Everybody! Really? Like, well, give me specifics. I don't, I'm not sitting around collecting data on podcasts. Well, your energy seems like you could come off with one podcast as I rate it. The news. The news.com. The news does not know. The news loves it.

The fourth estate, you're right, does tend to prop up these villains. Of course. But, no, there's a very large anti-billionaire contingent out there. Okay. That talks about how social media was a blunder and an oopsie. Yeah. And everybody's been duped. Yes.

Okay. So we don't need to. But is it all old people saying it or are there any young people saying it yet? I think everyone's over 50 saying it. Yeah, that doesn't count. Everyone under 50 doesn't care. Yeah. doesn't count. Yeah, who's going for in the last election?

Who? A pro. Zach Californacus is here. Pallier. Pierre Pahliav is who I voted for. Did you get to vote up there? That's so fun. No, I don't vote up. I'm not a thing. I'm not a... You're not a citizen up there? Canada's strict. Yeah, they're really strict. They are. They're kind of... Do they give you... I like America's policy with that better.

Do they give you trouble when you're... Oh, the policy where anyone, even if they're dead can vote? No, just more open arms to immigration. Do they give you a hassle when you go up there? They're like... Yes, I had a hassle. Nope. But the last time I tried to drive in, they flagged me. They flagged you for what?

They just said you go in and out a lot. What is your status? Did you high-five them after they said that? I said, I'm single. Zach Allenachis is here. We need a hit, but one is on the horizon. Lilo and Stitch comes out Memorial Day weekend. This is very exciting.

We need to take a break, Zach. When we come back, we are going to have an inspector. We're going to have a paganist. This is an exciting show. What do you think, Zach? Do you see the buyer's remorse on my face? You're wearing a sweatshirt that says caveat mTOR. We need to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to have more with Zach Alfenakis. We'll have more comedy bang, bang. We'll be right back after this. Comedy Bang Bang, Bang. We're back. Zach Alfenakis is here. Stitch is the lifeline to his career that is coming up and he imagines a mighty big payday coming his way.

What's that? Get by the mic. I don't want. I'm not, I'm not interested in. You're not interested in money. No, but we, hello, sorry to interrupt. Oh, hey. Relief.

I just came. I'm from actually the, um, the IQ department. Oh, wait. We were just talking about, we both want to take an IQ test. Oh, will you? Well, I heard you talking about it, and so I just wanted to come in and give you a sample question. Oh, okay. And whoever gets it right has the higher IQ.

Do we, can we write it, write down our answers or do we need to buzz in and be first? Yeah, is it like a fast thing? Um, okay. I'm already registering some things about what the IQ might be in the room. Okay. Um, so high, pretty high at this point. Sure, sure. We ask really good questions.

Yes, good questions. Uh, yes, why don't you go ahead and write your answers down? Okay, well, right. Or at least think, yeah. Yeah. I don't trust, Zach. You should write it down, Zach. No, I want to hear the question first.

Okay. Before you decide on whether you're going to write down the question? And I'll only say it once. Oh, wow. Okay. Okay. And I'm going to read it directly as it's written on the internet. Is the test administered orally all the time?

Aenely. Oh, okay, got it. Carpenter, colon. Is two. Is what that means. Furniture, colon, colon, colon, cobbler, colon question mark. A, title, B, pot, C, frame, D, shoe. I'm locked in.

Pot. Now you're trying to high-five me, because you said pot? Yeah. Scott, please turn your board over? D, shoe. The correct answer is shoe. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Oh, my God. Wait, she just floated up into the air. The clues were what? Carpenter. A cobbler works on shoes. Yeah. A cobbler. You didn't say carpenter? A carpenter works. She's gone. She floated off into the space. Did the British lady say carpenter? She did. Yes. Carpenter is to furniture as cobbler is to. Oh, I wasn't. Paying attention? Partly was paying attention. On paper, I would have gotten that one.

We got to, we have to do this. Do you know the capital of Canada? Of course you don't. No. Why would I do something like that? Do you know the capital? Of course you don't. No. I know. I'm back. I heard that there was. dispute about the last question. Question number two, what is the capital of Canada? First to buzz in gets it. Yes.

Ottawa. Correct. Higher IQ established. Thank you. You can't count Canadian questions. Those don't count? Ask any geographical question. Ask anything worldly.

Any geographical question. Yes. Okay. What? Bhutan. Do they now? You're right. Damn.

when he's right he's right thank you we gotta have a face off on this we gotta have a showdown on this IQ showdown can we make an episode about this like who has the highest IQ yeah yeah well like say it's out in Santa Monica as long as we can also match it with like life trivia like that we can take we tell you what why don't we do like a triathlon we'll do IQ test we'll do some sort of street smart test

like we'll go out to the streets of downtown LA and just see like who can handle themselves better right oh well that Give me a break on that one. Yeah, you'll win that one. For sure. And then we'll do like some sort of a physical fitness test. How about dropped off in the woods? Yeah.

Type test. Okay, let's do that. You sure you can, I don't think you've ever camped in your life. Which woods are we talking? Any woods. Hmm. Elijah. We'll save a seat for him.

All right, we do need to get to our next guest. He's been on the show before. He is a police inspector. Please welcome back to the show, Jack Cates. Looking good, partner. Hey, how are you, Jack? I'm doing all right. This is Zach Alfinecas.

Zach, how are you, partner? I'm fine, officer. How are you? Yeah. I'm not an officer. I'm an inspector. And this is the IQ lady. I think she didn't float away this time, unfortunately.

So, uh, why are you sticking around this time? Last time you floated away so quickly. I'm trying to stay present for the IQ. Oh, she's gone. All right. Well, uh, Jack, so good to see you again. You've been on the show many times. A couple of times, yeah.

Well, I mean, two is many. I mean, wouldn't you say too many? Several. Yeah, several. Too many. That's why they call it too many. Pretty sloppy work. I apologize, Jack. But the last couple of times you were here, you were, I'm trying to remember exactly what you're doing.

We're trying to get Gans. That's right, Gans. That's right, and that's what we've got to do now. We've got 48 hours to find Gans. Wait, we didn't find him the last time. We found him twice before. We found Albert Gans and then we found his brother. We did?

William Cherry Gans. We found, okay, so we found the Gans. So which Gans are we looking for now? Both of them, they got away. How did they get away? You were there, don't you remember? Sloppy work. The details are slipping my mind.

I don't got time for your drive. Inform Zach, how did they get away? Is Gans somebody a person? Yeah, Gans, I guess the Gans brothers. Albert Gans is a lifelong criminal, a bug-eyed creep. He stole my gun after stealing a payroll from an armored car. Yes. And then he had my gun and I was out.

on the street trying to get him. I needed Scott's help because he started a podcast of what his life was like in prison. So I needed a podcaster to help me get close to games. Yeah, it takes a podcaster to catch a podcast. Exactly. We had 48 hours to find him. Was cereal about that? Did the guy who killed everyone on cereal? Was he a podcaster? And that's why he was a podcast? I don't like that. I didn't watch that one. You didn't watch cereal? No, I didn't watch cereal. I didn't either. I heard it. That's one podcast I did here. Oh, really? You listen to cereal? I'll listen to that one. Men would rather listen to cereal. then go to therapy. Wasn't that one of the first podcast ever? No.

Oh. That's why I listened to it. I thought it was the first podcast ever. You were on this probably six times before that ever even premiered. Yeah, but I'm talking about things that people listened to. So what happened with Gansi got away? He was in the studio with us. He was your other guest.

That's right. We learned by the end. But how did he get away, though? You were there, don't you remember? I don't. Well, come on. We're partners here. Okay, so we got to go get, why do we have 48 hours starting now? Well, because, well, we're missing the middle part where in between, after Albert Gams got away, his brother, William, Cherry Gans, was hired with his partner Hickok to kill us.

Oh, right. Yes, I forgot about that. Right there, motorcycle murderers hired by the Iceman to track us down and kill us. Right, right. Because I shot a bad guy, and then my gun disappeared. Right. Okay. I remember all this now. Why? Did you have to cough? Is your voice not normally like this? No, it's always like this. I smoke 12 packs of day. Packs of what? Cigarettes. Oh, okay. Um, so, so both Gans brothers are, are in the wind. They're together now. They're together, though. We know that for a fact. That's right. Okay. They've got a copy of my gun. A copy? They've 3D printed a copy of my gun. Why? To fright me

And 48 hours from now They're going to go to the Gans family reunion Well why don't we just go to the Gans family reunion 48 hours from now Okay, wait, what do you need a ride? Why do you need my help all the time? Well, before I needed your help as a podcast Sure

And now I need your help as a television creator Why? What does that have to do with the Gans family reunion? Because there's only one other Gans that I know, Megan Gans. Megan Gans is part of this Right writer American comedy writer From community

Correct And always sunny And modern family I guess Wait you know all of her resume Other than that I know two things Is that her whole resume

Anyway She's gonna be there They're gonna murder their whole family And frame me for it Why murder your whole family Zach would you murder your whole family I wouldn't even think about it No this is not

This is not normal behavior Well they're going to free me for it But that doesn't answer my question about why murder their whole family? These are dirtbag lifelong criminals. So that's in 48 hours. Why did you come here now? Why not just call me 48 hours from now? We got to find where it is.

You don't. Okay, so how are we going to find out where? You've got TV contacts. You get in touch with Megan Gans. We find out where her family reunion is so we can go there. All right, man. Who do I go through to, I don't have Megan. Do you have Megan Gans as his email?

Do you know who we're talking about? A writer. She was a writer on a community and what was the other thing you said? It's always sunny. It's always sunny. But can't you just like hit her up on Twitter? Yeah, she had a bit of... You mean X.com? Yeah, I mean X.com.

That inspector. Hey, how do you feel about, do you think these people, these billionaires are ruining... Yeah, and does anybody talk about that? Everyone's talking about it in San Francisco. Who talks about it? Everyone. No, they don't. He's a police inspector in San Francisco, so this is where the tech bubble is.

I know, but I don't hear people complain about it that much. You live on an island. I know, but the fact that even the Google cars can go around and take pictures of everything, if those cars said U.S. government on it, people would fucking lose their minds. What are you think about the little robots that deliver packages? They're cute until you see 50 of them together. Then they are not so cute anymore. Yeah, but they're, but one.

One is fine. We love them. We love them, don't we? Yes. But. We love him. Don't we, Zach? Would you ever do a movie with Amazon?

I don't want to talk about that. We need a hit. Bezos! You ever seen that guy? I never seen him, no. You've seen a picture of him or are you a human person? You got to watch Frontline. They did a profile on him.

Did they pay you in Bezos? Anyway, so we got to get making... I know that we're not allowed to make fun of these gods because they're all controlling show business, but he's very odd. Maybe I could go through Mary Elizabeth Ellis, who's married to Charlie Day. All right, that's over my head.

I know. I'm a big, it's always sunny fan. Well, you don't know who's married to who? No, I only care about the show. So you only care about the fictional characters. Why are you coughing? I'm having a hard time. I'm excited.

Oh, okay, when you're excited, you cough. That's right. I understand. I may have a disease. So tell me about the characters on it's sunny. All right. Well, you've got Charlie. Sure.

Right? Daddy DeVita. Why ask me, you're the huge fan. I'm asking if you're following along. Okay, I am, yes. I'm trying to go slow. Okay, Charlie, we have Charlie. Charlie, Zach.

Zach, do you know Charlie? Charlie Day? Charlie Day. I know of them, yeah. From it's always sunny. He's on that show. Are you following along? I'm following on what you're saying.

You got Dennis? Dennis. Right. And you don't know who plays these characters. I only know Charlie Day because that's his name. Okay, right. And it's just somehow through osmosis or something. I know Danny DeVito.

Danny DeVito. What character does he play? I mean, he's always Danny DeVito. In every role. Yeah, so you're a big Danny DeVito fan and that supersedes the it's funny. Love it. It's sunny rather. That's right.

Why didn't they call it it it's always funny in Philadelphia? In Philadelphia. Then I would know what I'm getting into. Instead, I watch this show and I'm thinking I'm going to see a lot of sunshine. Meanwhile, the whole tool takes place inside of a bar. I don't understand. You can't tell if it's sunny outside or not. So that's one way, but I don't know.

Let me see if I can type an email here right now. See if I can get a whole. Okay. Mary Elizabeth says, yeah, here's Charlie's contact info. Okay. No, it's fast. Dear Charlie, yeah, I mean, we're tight. So she, yeah, dear Charlie, do you, she just did an episode just a few months ago.

So we're tight. An episode of this? Yeah. All right. Dear Charlie, do you know Megan Gans's email address? Stop. It's very important. We need to catch a killer stop.

Sincerely, Scott. Okay. She's got to reply to that right away. Yeah, he's got to reply to that right. Oh, is it to Charlie? Yeah, that was to Charlie. Oh, you'll, you change your sound effects on between the first email of the second one.

I thought it was important, you know, just to really establish what we're doing. Oh, well, you've got mail. Nice. I have an AOL account still. God. And those stuff is ruining America. Oh, okay, yeah.

Oh, it's Megan Gans at makinggans.com. Oh, we could have guessed that. We could have guessed that. Oh, okay. Let me write to Megan. Uh, dear Megan, stop. Do you know, Your family stop?

Are you going to that reunion that's in 48 hours? Stop. Can a guy named Jack Cates come and myself come with you, stop? Zach, do you want to go? Is it in two days? It's in two days. Yeah, I'll be there. You'll be there?

Yeah, Zach Galaphanakis from the upcoming film, Lilo and Stitch, which has to be a hit. Yeah, make sure you put that parenthetically. Yeah. You did. Yeah. It's a parenthesis. He needs a hit.

Yeah, he needs a hit, and he's hoping this will be a hit. Wants to go as well. Stop. Sincerely, Scott Arkman. Okay. Wow, that was even, that was sense even quicker. It sounded like. All right.

Now we just got to sit around and wait. You've got mail. Wait a minute. It's the same thing. Okay, let me see. Oh, no, it's spam. What a spam have to say. Maybe they have.

a clue. Do you want to buy more spam from us? No, I'm let me write them back. No, sorry. I have way more than enough spam for the year. Thank you so much. Sincerely, Scott All right. Now we just sit around and wait

I guess for me. I mean, I'm not comfortable sitting around and waiting. What do you want to do while we wait? We're going to hit the pavement. You want to hit the pavement with us, Zach? What do you think? Right now? Yeah. Like, during the... Well, this is a mobile setup. We could go outside. You want to go outside? We've only got 48 hours.

Yeah, we only have 48 hours until... Unless you don't want me to find Gans. No, I'm passionate about you finding Gans. Why are you dragging your feet? Well, I'm not really have nothing to do with it. Stop dragging ass, Zach, we need to find Gans. Why am I in the middle of this? We ain't partners and we ate friends.

Yeah, that's fine by me. I'm going to put you down and get Gans or me and you. I'm going to put you down until we get Gans locked up. We're dead. Listen, Inspector, I have really no concern with Gans. I'm not that interested in... Oh, you're okay? You don't have any.

you're ambivalent about a lifelong dirtbag criminal? Well, I don't know if he's going to hurt. Stop and cry. I don't know if he's going to hurt me. Hate tech bros, love criminals. Would you say? Hate tech bros loves criminal. That's Zach to a T.

That's right. That's Zach Alfenacus right. Come on. What's good? Let me pack up the mobile recording thing. Let's go outside. I just thought maybe you would do sound effects as we go outside. All right.

Here we go. Ready? Go, look at that horse. walking by. Right outside my house. You never see those anymore. Anyway, what do you want to do? I brought my computer just in case

we get an email back, by the way, as well as all this recording. This is really heavy. Is that actually mine carrying a little bit of this? Let me take your switchboard. Okay. Whatever that is. In case we get some calls?

Yeah. Do you ever get calls? Yeah, we do take some calls sometimes. What are we looking for out here, by the way? Gans. We got to find Gans or his brother. So we just got to like try to eyeball him from people on the street.

Look at those Gams. Sorry. Very close. Yeah, but I was looking at something. I just didn't want to. If I had it, which I don't. I don't see him. I don't know.

Gant! Do you want me to yell for it? Yeah, we should yell. Gans! Gans! Hey, Gans! Gant! No, no bites.

Well, he's not in your neighborhood. I don't know. You know, I just don't know what to do. Bing! You've got mail. Oh, I got an email. Oh, I read the email. email. We only have 48 hours.

Oh, it's from... What is the email from Gans? It's from Megan Gans. What does it say? Well, I'm going to read it and we'll hear her voice. Hey, I got your email, Scott. It's been a really long time since you emailed me. First, I was confused because we had that big fight so many years ago, and I didn't think

you ever wanted to speak to me again. Stop. How are you? Stop. Love you, Megan. mixed messages she loves you stop she wants to be a stop

yeah she doesn't answer my question about going to the you've got mail stop I was still sending the email stop yes I have a family reunion tonight why did you want to be my date stop whoosh see you later bye so she was making her own whoosh so she must be talking to text in real time

But it's coming through your email and being converted back to talk. P.S., one more for the road. Woosh. Oh, wow. Three whooshes from Megan Gans. This is exciting. All right, so we're invited. Where is it?

You never asked me to ask her that. That's all we have to find out. I don't know. Where do they have family reunions down here in L.A. with a family that's from San Francisco. There have to be some clues. Detective or Inspector Kate, I'm sorry to call you a detective.

That's a clue that you've not been paying attention. To be fair, you called yourself a detective the first appearance. You called me that and I didn't correct you. You're the host. You introduced me. So what are the clues? What clues were left behind of the scene? All right.

Family reunions need a few things, right? We need outdoor barbecue pets. We need plastic cutlery. Absolutely. Pasta salad. Where do you find pasta salad? Pasta salad. Zach, where do we find pasta salad?

Ralph's. Ralph's. Wait a minute. Is anyone in the Gans family named Ralph? Like Ralph Gans? Yeah. Anybody named Gelson's. Gelsons?

Gelsons? There's obviously an Albert's Gans. Wait, what about his son? He has a son? Albertans. We need to get to Albertsons right now. They'll be buying all of the stuff for the reunion right now. Pasta salad.

Hot dogs. Bums. Wait a minute. Albertson says right over there. Let's run. Look at him, go. Hey, come on, Kate. Hold on, let me...

Get your up. Hold on, I need my inhaler. Okay. Okay, let's go back to running. I need another break. Okay, yeah, let's say. I'm in peak physical condition. All right.

Okay, we're here. We made it. Thank God I got this mobile recording set up. Okay. Oh, look, there's a greeter here at the door. Oi! You lot! No running near Albertsons! What are you kids doing, mucking about?

I ain't got time for your jive. Get out of my way. We're looking for games! This Albertsons closed. It's been closed for 50 years. Some kids say it's haunted, isn't it? Be careful when you go in there. Well, so we can go in there even though it's closed and haunted? I hope you're used to talking to ghosts and all that, in it. Okay.

Have you seen anyone go in to the grocery store at all? Just Scooby-Doo in the gang. Oh. Gantz isn't part of that, right? Yeah, is Gans part of Scooby-Doo's gang? What's the name of their gang? Okay, you got Thelma. No, Velma.

Not the names of the people in the gang. Don't they have a name for their gang? Well, they write around the mystery machine. The Scooby-Duby, do be crueby. That's what they told me. They were in here solving the mystery of the something, something pasta salad family reunion, in it. Oh, my God. Anyways, I've got to go to toilet now.

Foosh. She just sent an email in the bathroom. Okay, so we're inside now. Do you see anyone? This place is cleaned out. There's nothing on the shelves. There's nothing on the shelves. It hasn't been open for 50 years.

Since 1975, I guess. Guys, anybody want a tab? Here, let's open up this tab. That's why he did it. That's why he did it. Oh, go, go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that, gu. Whoa, Scott, slow down.

Ooh, I loved it, chuck a tab. All right, do we see Gans or any of his family members here? Kate's, what are you doing? You're staring off in your space. I'm looking for clues. Like you're haunted by some sort of past memory. What is going on with you? Yeah, I had a traumatic experience in a grocery store like this.

Really? A haunted grocery store that was 50 years old that you've had an experience? That's right. Not this one, but a different haunted grocery store that's been closed for 50 years. Up in San Francisco, I would imagine, the Bay Area. Yeah. What happened there? Now it's the headquarters of Uber.

Oh, God, don't get me started. But anyway, what happened to you in this? Well, I was left there as a child. Okay, for how long? 18 days. 18 days? That's right. Wait, it could have been 48 hours.

But it was, in fact, 18 days. Okay. But it felt like 48 hours to you. Yeah, really breezed by. Okay, so you enjoyed it. It's like a candy store. Sure, but it was. More like a kid in a grocery store.

Yeah, there's a teenager in the grocery store. And did they ever come back to get you after the 18 day? What happened? My parents, we were shopping. It was me, my brother, Albert. And his brother, William. Okay. We were all shopping together.

His brother, but not yours? Yeah, he's my brother, too. That's how brothers works, Scott. Okay, but you didn't say it like, anyway, go ahead. Sorry. I thought you could do math. You pass an IQ test. And then who found you 18 days later, which felt like 48 hours?

Nobody found it. me. I walked out. I waited 18 days for their return. And then you just walked out. I'm like, I don't think you're coming. Okay. I'm going to start a life for myself. I think I would have left 48 minutes into this, but it took you 18 days.

Well, different stroke for different folks. Anyway, is Gans here? No, but I've reclaimed a memory. Scott, I just remembered that I had a brother named Albert. You didn't remember you had a brother named Albert. And he had a brother named William Cherry. Ann. What?

Oh my God! I'm a Gans. Did you not hear me? I mean, I heard the Albert and the Willie, but I thought it was... Yeah, I'm surprised. Yeah. Oh, my God, you're a Gans? I'm a Gans.

We don't need Megan Gans. So you know where the family reunion is? No, nobody knows I'm a Gans. Okay, well, just tell everyone you're a Gans, and then you'll be invited to the family reunion. I guess I have to tell Megan Gans that I'm a Gans. Okay. Do you want to send an email to her? Just dictate it to me.

All right. All right, here we go. Dearest Megan Gans. Hey, how's it going? Okay. We can cut down a little on the chit-chat, I think. I mean, this is a matter of grave importance. This should be dictated not red.

Back to me with criticism. I was just remembering that I'm also against. Do you want me to put in a stage direction that talks about your jaunty tone? Well, you can put it in italics. I think that'll come across. cross on the page. All right. All right. Just remembered I'm a game. I'm also against. I would like to attend the again's family reunion. Okay. But the end of the email. That's the way. No. Where is it? Okay. Thank you. Good. Specifically. Where is it specifically? And do you want to sign your name or

anything? Signed. Yours truly best wishes. Signed yours truly best wishes. And all the regards to friends and family. And may the road rise up to me. you on your journeys. Inspector Jack, John, Kate's, Gans. Okay. Okay, we sent it. But we're running out of time on this segment.

We have to run back to the studio. We're running out of time in general. That's right. Let's all run back to the studio so we can take a break. Ready? Here we go. Okay. Is this security guard going?

No. Oh, you kid. Have a good time. Okay. How was your shit? It was grudgy Okay, come on guys, come on, come on, we need to get back to the studio Took it long enough

Oh, Jesus, how did you make it here before us, Gans? I took big, bounding strides. Oh, okay, Zach just made it. No, I've been here. Oh, wait, I took an Uber. Oh, okay. That's why I'm not out of breath. I thought you hated Uber.

Hippercr! I don't like Uber, but that was the only thing that would come out and get me. Oh, okay. All right, well, you know what, we need to take a break. This is good news, but we'll find out hopefully at some point during the show where this family reunion is, and then we're all going to go, right? We'll have to drop everything. Well, I mean, it's in 48 hours. Do we really have to drop everything?

Depending on where the reunion is, we may have to drop everything. Yeah. If it takes 48 hours to get there. Then we have to drive. Why do we have to drive? For comedy. Okay, all right. We'll look.

We're going to take a break. When we come back, we have a paganist here. This is so exciting. We'll have more Jack, John, Kate's Gans. We'll have more Zach Alfenakis. We will be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang, bang, bang, we're back. Zach Alfenaccus is here.

We're all tired out from the running back from Albertsons, other than Jack Cates, Jack John, Kate's Gans, of course. I'm fit as a fiddle. I've smoked so many cigarettes. I can't feel my lungs anymore. Okay. So that's giving you sort of a numbness to what normally we would feel. False confidence.

Okay, got it. We do need to get to our next guest, though. She is a paganist, I guess, is how I am to describe her. Please welcome to the show Shrunkenhead Baby Witch. Hi, Shrunkinhead Baby Witch. How are you? Hi, thanks for having me on the show. You've got to see Wicked in theaters now.

It's going to be the movie of the movie. if my name's not drunkenhead baby witch. Well, I mean, Shrunkenhead Baby Witch, Wicked has been out for now three months or so. I'm promoting it. They didn't invite me on the main press store, so I'm doing my own kind of little thing.

Are you in the movie? Click, click, hold my nails. Do you have something to do with the movie? Yes, I was a consulting producer on the film. You're a consulting producer, wow. Because I'm a real witch. You're a real, what does that mean a real witch? I'm a drunkenheady witch.

I know that. I mean, we take that as a given, But what is that? When you say a real witch, I think there are a lot of people in the world who consider themselves to be witches. Is that what you mean? Who do you know that's a witch? I know and I know. You said a lot of people in the world.

Just, you know, there are. Say three. Damn it. She got me. Yeah, I mean, you know, I don't run in those type of circles. The witch league type of circle. What do you mean? The witches wouldn't invite a guy like you to hang out?

Can't believe that. You're rolling your eyes sarcastically when you say this. I'm kidding. Which is a huge tip off to me. I'm fucking with you. Shrunkenheaded baby witch. You're shrunkenheaded baby witch? Witch is witch.

It's drunkenheaded baby witch. I'm understanding your name is strunkenheaded baby witch now. Maybe it's shrunken head baby witch. Which is it? Trunkenheaded baby witch or is a drunken head now? Witch is witch. What? So can you actually perform magic or anything like that?

I can do any kind of spell? what kind of magic you want me to do? De-aging, I think, for Zach. Yeah, I guess. Okay. What specifically are you looking for? Just like an anti-aging face. Yeah.

Body, probably, too. Yeah, like I have a grotesque body. Is there anything you could do about that? Okay, yeah, here we go. Younger head and body better. Make him fit into a sweater. Smaller, smaller, younger still, baby, baby. Whoa, whoa.

Well, the first app rhyme. Very well. Well, that's how you know I'm a real witch. Right. Because that checks out. If anybody else is doing that Disney-pisney-micly-mouse shit, it's rhyming and it's not real. Thank you. You know what spell is real because it ends in, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, because that's the sound of the magic coming out.

Oh, okay. So is he... When does it kick in? Yeah, when exactly does he... Oh, it will kick in. Well, you didn't say that. You didn't specify, so it's on probably a couple months or younger, younger. There are the things where there's an erotic consequence to the wish?

Yeah, monkeys' paw. Oh. There's a, he'll have a monkey's ball? I hope you're not allergic to monkeys. Wait a minute. Shrunkenheaded, baby witch. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What's the, what's the compromise here that I have, that I get something in return?

And your wife turned into a monkey. If you get the spell. If I get, if I get younger, then somebody has to pay for my wife will have to pay. We'll turn into a monkey. Your wife will turn into a monk. That's fine with me. Okay. Shrunkenheaded baby witch.

Zach, I mean, you can be married to a monk. Okay, that's all fine. I just wanted to know, like, is there any other thing that, when you make me look younger and... taller? Oh, sure. Taller wasn't really part of the original style.

Well, it's part of the grotesque body. Oh, okay, yeah. That'll be solved, yeah. Like, I want to be stereotypically chiseled. Yeah. How many abs did you want? You were saying something about, like, a 24-pack or something? I can get apps with my phone.

Oh, okay, that's right, yeah. Silicon Valley, man. Don't even get me farted. Don't even get me farted. But can you do that form? Can you make him like really super cut? Of course, of course. Super chiseled, strong and tall.

Make them big and whoa, whoa, whoa. There you go. And I got two months to wait for it to kick in. Yep. Okay. And then come back. I'll come back in two months. Yeah, come back.

We'll do the IQ test as well. Yeah. Yeah. That'll be great. And then you'll be married to a monkey. And please check out Wicked. Oh, yeah. Have you checked out Wicked yet?

I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. Kate? Jack, John. Yes. Kate Scans? What is that? Have you checked out?

Why are you staring into space again? I'm trying to think of what I'm going to ask for when the witch turns to me. Okay. Well, have you seen Wicked? What's that? No, I read the book. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. I'm sorry. It was awful. But they made a good musical. I guess. Yeah, but I don't like musicals. Okay. Why did you read the book?

Because I love the movie. Wizard of Oz. Then you love Wicked. No, they sing songs. I don't like musicals. The Wizard of Oz, they sing songs in it. That's different. In what way?

Because there was a war going on. Well, I can't see so good anymore because my head's shrunken and my eyeballs are shrunken. I can only see small things. I didn't want to say anything about your shrunken head because I don't like to point out a guest's physical attributes. I didn't point out your tiny dick. You don't point out my tiny head. That's kind of the podcast code. Tacit agreement that we have.

Yeah, exactly. But you have a tiny, tiny head so you can only see tiny things. Why do you host the show with your pants off? I've been doing it for 16 years now and it's just how I started. Well, why does SNL write until 5 in the morning on Tuesdays? Good point. So did the Salem guys get a hold of your penis and shrink it like they did to my head? Oh, no, that wasn't what happened to me.

It's just been this way the entire time. So Salem guys, what Salem guys? Well, back in 1800s, I was eating a kid from the bed. And the Salem guys bust in and they did the whole witch trials on me, cut my head off, boiled it in a little pot, shrinkled it, shinkled it, shriveled it down. Buried me in a cemetery. I was there for 100 years. So somebody dug me up and put me on a Barbie body. Wow.

Yeah. And now I'm shrunkenhead baby witch. I also didn't want to say your body is like, bangin. Yeah. Tits rock hard. Yeah. Can I. Porky little shiny little tits.

Can I punch those? Can I punch you in the tit? No. Can I punch you in the dick? Sure. Same time. One, three, we go. Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! That was like the end of Rocky. Rocky three. Whatever.

We turned into a painting. Scott, why is my face covered in blood? Why is my... Your little dick pop? Why is every bone in my hand broken right now? Well, yeah, I put a fortification spell on my little Barbie body. Oh, keep me safe. That makes sense.

I used to be, you know, the little girl who found me back in the whatever, the 80s from the ancient burial ground. She played with me and took good care of me, but then, you know, when she went away to college, I was, had to put a protection. Wait, what was that little girl's name? Pamela Adlon. Pamela Ad, wait, from Greece to? Yeah.

Wow. Amazing. Yeah. So what have you been doing since the 80s? Well, then when my little girl went away to college, they... You had a little girl. The little girl who found me, put me on a Barbie body. Okay, Pamela Adlon, yes, sorry. Then they, you know, the parents threw me out. and I went into a garbage truck and it ripped off my Barbie arms.

No. Yeah, I was getting mangled in there. No. Spang mangler. Really what I'm working with now is courtesy of the dump truck guy. He gave me a car key for one arm and a chapstick for the other. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Tits of a Barbie arm of a car key. Yeah, you know. So then what happened after that? This is still in the, this is like in the 90s or when is this? Well, this is, this was I guess, you know, only about a year ago that I finally escaped. Because you see, my mouth was sewn shut so I couldn't do spells until the garbage man opened my mouth.

Oh, okay. Who was that from the... Some sick pervert. You probably know him. Oh, who? I don't know. Don't you know all the sick pervert garbage guys? No, it's not really...

Those aren't the circles I run in there. Yeah. No witches, no pervert garbage truck guys. Oh. Necessarily. Interesting. So this was just a year ago. Yeah.

And already you're a supervising producer on a huge... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, actually. Exactly, this is how it's done. I need a hit. This is how it's done.

I'm lucky, though, because one of my arms is a car key, so it's easier for me to get around. You need a battery for your five? It's an old school car key, so I just kind of put it in and I crank it. You know what I'm talking about? All right, let's high five. All right, ooh. With both hands, that was more like a high ten. We high fived on one and low fived on the other.

That looks cool. Oh, that was the sound of my hand slapping your hand, and then my knee kind of hit in your little knee. Because we're both wearing shorts. Yeah, that's right. And yours have the crotchless part. Yeah, obviously. Anyways, the garbage man who took me home and given the car keep of one hand the chapsic for the other. Then when he fell asleep, of course, I stole his car.

I drove around town. I saw that there was audition casting call for Wicked. And I thought, I'm a drunken-headed baby witch. I should audition for this. So you auditioned for what part? Well, I went all the way to the chem reads with Cynthia Revo and Ariana Grande. So for what part, though? Ariana, she plays the little pink one.

Oh, okay. And I'm just as little as heard. She was there at the chem read, even though you were up for her part? Yeah, because they were kind of maybe toying with it. being two little pink girls. It was going to be wicked colon, two little pink girls. Okay. I think they made the right decision. I don't know. They made, so now it's just wicked colon one pink girl, one green girl. Oh, right. Okay. Got it. But anyways, yeah, they didn't cast me because they said they wanted

little, but I was too little. Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, Ariana Grande is like four one, I think. Yeah, she's pretty small. And I'm about the size of a quarter. Yeah. You're a Barbie. My head's a quarter and my body's a Barbie and. Yeah. Only compared to you is she a Grame. Exactly. She's a venty. Tall. She's a bitch.

Oh, whoa, whoa. What? I thought we were riffing. No, no. These are our Oscar-nominated actors. Zach doesn't like that kind of talk. Of course. Not about the community.

No. The acting community is sacred around these parts. I didn't know. I'm sorry. Little respect, please. Well, this, I mean, what an incredible story. So what kind of info did you impart upon the movie, Wicked? Well, I became a consulting producer,

teach them how witches really live. And it's a shame, no, because I really wanted that part. I could still sing all the songs. Yeah, same. I mean, look. Gravity. I don't know. Working against me.

I don't know that that's in. Gravity. I think it's defying great. Yeah, I think you're just singing a John Mayer song. I'm singing Gravity, which is the hit song of Wicked. Yeah, yeah. You seen Wicked, Zach? I have not yet.

Yeah. It must be in your calendar, though, for when you're going, right? I'm going to see it tonight. Tonight? Oh, great. Show me your calendar. If it's not written and it's not true. It's my car.

Hmm. Show me your car. My car is outside if you want to go. Show me outside. Oh. How about that? You got me. You got me.

Hey, let's all high five. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, my dick. Ow. Um, well, this is, I mean, such. Please see wicked. We got to see Wicked. It's in theaters everywhere you get your theaters. Do you think they did a good job with all the witch stuff, or are there any inaccuracies?

Well, I try to tell them, you know, I would try to give advice to Cynthia Revo. You've got to stand a certain way when you're a witch. How is that? Well, because when you ride your broom so much, you get something called a dusty inner wart. Oh, okay. On your knee. Like some sort of chafing against the broom or something? It's like chaffing, yeah.

Oh, okay. It's like chaffing. Was I saying it wrong? You were saying, you said it different. It's chaffing. That's how you pronounce it. All right, chaffing. It's chafing, yeah, exactly.

So there's chafing on the inside of the leg from where the, so you had said chaffing, which is incorrect. Oh, I said chaffing. I'm sorry, that was incorrect. Okay. So anyways, the witch's work comes from when it chaffed, you know, on the broomstick. So if you're going to act convincingly as a witch, you have to stand a certain way. Sort of bow-legged, just kind of.

Bow-legged, yeah. Okay, yeah. Yeah, am I saying words wrong? Did you guys ever get an IQ test done? Because I think there's something wrong with you. I bet that we could reach. 200 together. What do you think about that? Do you think we could? What is what is seen as like thick? What is a thick like thick with two C's? Thick with stupid like what that ass do? What what's a low

number where you're kind of considered that's not good? I think anything below a hundred you're you're you know you're you're not you're not doing well so 105 is okay I mean I wouldn't brag about it but it's it's probably nothing to write home about but It's nothing to be ashamed about either. But I think between the two of us, family feud style, we could get up to 200. We could get Steve Harvey. We could win the big money.

Get Steve Harvey. Good answer. Have him administer the test. I love that guy so much. Yeah. This is a good idea. Zach, we got to put this together. Have you ever had Steve Harvey on the show?

Not to... I have and I would love to have it. Yeah. Yeah, love family. Steve Harvey did a lot of fucked up things in Hollywood. He did? And I don't think you should let him on the podcast. Really?

I mean, we haven't heard about this. Well, he produced all of the movies and he was beat. He was, you know... He produced the wicked movies? Steve Harvey is the biggest producer that we have. He's in prison now. What? Steve Harvey's? I haven't read the trades today. He's in prison? Yep. For what? What did... What happened? Rose McGowan, all the girls came forward and it's over for Steve Harvey. No more family feud. This is a different Harvey. I'm pretty sure. This is a guy who's Harvey is his first name. Oh. Okay. So what had happened to me is when I was a drunken head, I was buried in a turn-up

field and sometimes my brain doesn't work so good. I see. Okay. That's fine. I mean, look, Zach and I, we barely have 200 between us. So, I mean, we understand. As a body count? Yeah. I mean, Zach, you're up to like 175 and I have about 23. So, like, we're almost there. That checks out. That checks out.

Oh, yeah. Speaking of, I heard you're doing an investigation. And if you need someone to cast a spell to make something happen, I can help you. That's what I was thinking about when I was steering off into the distance. Yeah, that's right. I could use a location spell for KM. we do a location spell here? Sure, sure. Standard witchly location spell. Do you remember my name?

Shrunk it headed baby witch. Yes. Okay. He passed the test. If you had two more times, I'll give you whatever spell you want. How many more times? Two more times. Shrunk it headed baby witch.

Shrunk it headed baby witch. Ooh. Hi. Is that part of what? Yeah, that's part. That's what kind of turns on my magic challenge. Adding that to my body count. All right.

So, can we do a. location spell here? Sure, sure. What's the name of the guy? Albert Gans. Albert Gans. Okay. For his brother, William Cherry Gans.

Okay. Give me, give me all the Gans. Where they're going, what's their plans? Tell me where location lies. If you don't have, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sound like there was a threat there in a second. So when does this kick in? About two months.

We only have 48 hours. And say it with me, your wife is Lauer Monkey. I don't have a wife. I'm married to my wife. My job's a monkey. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, this is bad, bad news.

The San Francisco Police Department is now a monkey. All staffed by monkeys. But the tech, well, you're going to run all over us. Oh, no. This is terrible. Oh, well, I mean, we're just going to have to wait and see if Megan Gans writes me back about the, or writes you back, you know, through my account. Yeah, if she emails during this show, I want to cancel that spell. Well, guys, we are unfortunately running out of time,

not just in our 48 hours, but in this show. We really only have time for one final feature. That is, of course, a little something called plugs. Yeah, we're going to open the plugs. He's on to the next black hoperman. He always knows the top clock watch a man, spicy with the heat, hot saucer men, audio with the host got Arkerman.

He's the copper man. Haven't you seen this act? Looking like a ditty-bitty-tasted snack in this uniform. Handcuffs on his waist. It's got you know he's on the case. Stepping on the scene, you'll stop a man. He's moving to the beep pop, pop, man.

He told my girl to go a cock block a man. Can you believe this dude a big... Wow, I don't think I've ever been wrapped about. That's good. It's exciting. That was Hot Sasserman by Chardo. Hmm. Charto.

What do we think of Chardo's act? I like Chardo. Yeah, Chardo. Is he a legit singer? Uh, it sounds like it to me. I don't know. Charto's song didn't come with a biography, but it sounds legit to me.

Jack, John, Kate Scans? What do we think about Charto? I like it. Funky beat. Yeah, you like funky beats? I love funky beats. Okay. Shrunkenheaded baby witch?

What do we think? Gravity. Okay, still singing gravity. Fucking against me. All right, what do we have to plug here? Zach, yeah. We did, bud. What's that now?

We did mine. We did mine. We did by. Lilo and Stitch, obviously, coming out Memorial Day weekend. We want to make. make sure that once the ticket sales are up, we pre-buy these tickets. It's going to be, I mean, it's going to be packed theaters, I think. And you're playing an alien who is chasing after Stitch, I believe.

And you need to get Stitch back to your home planet, I believe. Didn't read the script. Didn't really. Did someone just say the words that you were supposed to say to you phonetically? What they do is they program, there's a chip they put in you now as an actor. Oh, yeah. I heard about this chip. They just,

they, all you have to do is just put it in and then. Is it a Dorito? No. Does it go up your butt? No, it's like a microchip. Oh. So it goes in your penis?

From Silicon Valley. Yeah. That's why I hate it because it's still stuck in my urethra. Yeah. That's where they put it. Wow. Well, Alilo and Stitch is coming out. Zach needs a hit,

so make sure you patronize this. I thought this was going to be the hit. Yeah. Everything's writing on this. This is a promo for the hit. Yeah. I'm not writing on this. I'm writing on a,

broom that's a little makeup brush. That's right. Drunkenheaded Baby Witch. You want to plug this little baby brush? Yeah, flying on down to the Telly Ride Comedy Festival on February 14, Baby. Wait, where? Drunkenheaded Baby Witch. What? Trunkin-headed Baby Witch.

Teleride. Telly ride. Comedy Festival. You ever been there? She's got a telly to ride. They have a comedy festival. Yeah. It's been... It's been going on for many a year. It's a good one. too. You should go to it. As a patron.

Yeah, go tonight after the water park and then we can move me. Do you ski? Yes. Oh, that's good skiing there. Shunkenheaded baby moguls. Oh, yeah, that's right. And Jack John Kate scans, what do you want to plug? I wouldn't say check out AP Bio now on Netflix. Oh, yeah, it moved over to Netflix.

That's right. More accessible. Every time you come here, you plug AP Bio. Why is that? I like it. You like it. I like it. You like it. It's got that guy from,

Always Sammy. That's right. My favorite Joe. That's right. I want to plug, yeah, head over to CBB World. We have so many great shows over there. You get the complete archive of this show. Every single episode we've ever done,

as well as every live episode we've ever done, including the last tour that we did during 2024. We did 43 shows last year. Those are all up at CBB World. We also have great shows like Hey Randy and Who Me with the Batman. Those are all CBB Presents. This book, changed my life. And Scott hasn't seen where we watch movies and college town, neighborhood listen,

ad-free three-doms in the entire Threatom Archive, so many great things over there. And we have new action figures that are out now. We have, speaking of, Hey Randy, we have Randy and Carissa. action figures. They're on sale now. They are by FC Toys. They will, they're shipping now. You can get them at figurecollections.com with free shipping with the U.S. address or in Europe with cheaper import fees at actionfigure seller.com. We also have Sprague and Big Sue and tour exclusives of J.W. Stillwater and Scott Ackerman are also available. And I think that's all I have to plug. Let's close up the old plug bag.

Whoa, that was, let's see who was that. That was the Red Lounge Remix by T.W. Bond. Thanks, guys. If you have any remixes or plug bag songs, head over to CBBWorld.com slash plugs and upload them. You'll find all the stems you need up there. And Zach, I want to thank you so much for being here. Yes.

Thank you for me. You have fulfilled your duties to me as a friend. Once a year. Once a year. Once a year. I'll see you in 2020. And let me apologize. I'm never a good guest and I'm sorry.

Noted and agreed with. Okay, well, as long as everybody knows. Yeah. And this is the most I've ever talked, I think. I know. You did a great job. But I apologize. I know that I'm not good.

We enjoyed you on this today. Okay. Yeah. Some good stuff. Thank you. Some good stuff. And I have big, big thoughts about your career. Yeah, need a hit.

We're going to get you back. Strunkenheaded Baby Witch, so good to meet you. So good to see you. You in your dreams. I've seen Wicked twice. Wait a minute. Yeah, I'll be there. You're going to be in my dreams?

Yeah, I always am. Wait, every single dream I've ever had, you're there? Every dream you've ever drumped, every scream we've ever scrumped. Oh, no. That was not a spell. I'll be watching me. It rhymes. Yeah.

And Jack Cates, I'm so sorry that we never found out the location of the... The Gans family reunion. Yeah, before the end of the show. I mean, this is a terrible. Wait a minute. Bing! You've got mail. Jacket!

Jack! Okay, okay, okay, okay. Hi, Scott. It's me, Megan, again. The family reunion is tonight at the Denny's behind the Arbys, behind the McDonald's, and it's a theme party, so make sure you dress up. See you there. Love you.

Megan. Whoosh. P.S. Ding, you've got mail. Wooosh. What's the theme? What's the theme? We don't know the theme.

We'll be a three-humped camel. That'll be a good idea. That'll work with any theme. All right. We'll see you there and we'll see you next week. Thanks, everyone. Bye.