Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Girl Department (Kelly Marie Tran, Mitra Jouhari, James Mannion)

Episode Date: April 14, 2025

Kelly Marie Tran is back to discuss her work on the "Comedy Bang! Bang!" TV series, what she can bench, and her new movie "The Wedding Banquet." Then, Emily in the wellness space joins to share her mantras card deck. Plus, the mysterious Randall Handler drops in to reveal a few things. And remember: we at Comedy Bang! Bang! care.  Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Returned Bang Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy, Bang, Comedy Bang, Return of the King, do you have a receipt bang-bang-bang-bang. Welcome to Comedy Bang-Bang! Comedy Bang-Bang! Comedity Bang-Bang! Return of the King? Do you have a receipt? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Pure Guava for that catchphrase submission. Pretty good. I think that might be the one.

We've been hunting for a new catchphrase submission for over a decade now. Is that the one? I don't think so. I don't think so. I think the hunt continues. We're going to keep going. But thank you to Pure Guava for that submission. Appreciate it.

And welcome to Comedy Bang. for another week. My name is Scott Ackerman. We have a great show coming up a little later. We have someone who works in the wellness space. So that'll be very interesting to talk to them. We also have a mysterious figure. Oh, my gosh. Wow, that sounds ominous.

So those people, I think they're people. I have no idea. We'll be coming up a little later. But before we get to them, let's talk to our guest of honor. You know her from such films as Raya. The Last Dragon and Star Wars.

What Star Wars? The Force does something. I've completely erased it from my mind. Have you really? Yeah, it was like a favorite dream. But most listeners will remember her from, of course, the Brody South Dakota episode of the Comedy Bang Bang Television Show. She has a new movie called The Wedding Banquet,

which comes out this Friday. We'll be talking a lot about that. Please welcome back to the show. Kelly Marie Tran. Hello. Hello. I'm going to point this right at your mouth if you don't mind me doing that. The further back you get the less we can hear you.

Okay, great. How are you? I'm doing really well. I'm happy to be here with you. So wonderful to see you. Of course, I think the last episode we did was on Zoom. Yeah. During what I call the planemic.

And But I don't think I've seen you in person now For a good decade I think you were on the third season of the show It seems like it was 2014 or so Great to see you Neither of us have aged at all

I feel like that's pointed at me Of course I like to tell the story About how you were on the third season Of the comedy bang bang TV show One of your first jobs? Yeah I know that because I have a Google alert for Comedy Bang Bang, and when you were in Star Wars, like, that was one of your only credits,

and there were thousands of articles coming out. And all it could do is mention Comedy Bang, Bang. But you were in that episode, and we had a good time. We really liked you. And we reached out to your agent about coming back and doing a different, I think, recurring role. And your agent said, oh, no, she's in England filming something. And Neil Campbell, the executive producer, said,

well, she's probably in Star Wars, kind of joking. And we went, ha, ha, ha, that's funny. And then you were in Star Wars. Yeah, I still can't believe that happened. What a wacky time. Pretty crazy. Do you want to go back to Star Wars ever? Do I?

I have no idea. I love to create a show with like you. What was your character name? Rose Tico. Rose Tico? Yeah. Rose Tico. and who are the other people?

Ray? We've got Adam Driver as Kylo Ren. Oh, Kylo Ren, of course. The villainous Kylo Ren. Yes, yes. And he was redeemed at the end by kissing Ray or something like that. Dude, I'm telling you, I don't even remember. That's how far in the back of my mind.

What was it like filming that? Were you constantly like in front of a green screen or were you out in the jungle and stuff? I would say both. So a lot of the things that you're seeing on screen in terms of like, wow, I can't speak. In terms of like ships and aliens, those are all there, but the actual space wasn't there. So the hard stuff, the ships and aliens are there, but the sky is different. Exactly. Exactly. Seems like they would reverse that maybe.

You know, maybe you should call Lucasfilm and see. Oh, I'd love to call Lucas films. Oh, my God. They don't want to hear from me. Of course, you were in a couple of those movies. And okay, let me ask a Star Wars question. It's a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, right? Yep. Okay.

So do you think they'll ever like, that, the first Star Wars was like 50 years ago at this point, right? Yes. Do you think now 50 years later they'll, like, catch up to like Adam and Eve times? So maybe, like, you could do a spin-off where, like, Eve is being tempted by the snake in the Garden of Eden. And, like, you fly by in an X-wing or something like that. and you're like shooting at Cain and Abel and stuff. Bro, I think we should pitch it. That's an incredible.

Are you attached? I'm attached. A hard attachment. It's happening here right now. Of course, Star Wars, let's talk about the toxic fan bases. Number one, in terms of toxic fan bases, the Blank Check podcast. That's number one with a bullet. But I would say Star Wars is like around there. Yeah, yeah, vaguely.

Have you been on the Blank Check podcast? I have not. I would love to. But in any case, you had a rough go of it. But so why do you, you don't need to go back. You're in the wedding banquet. Right? Correct.

Correct. Yes. I'm completely healed and absolutely over it. All these Star Wars jerks trying to make everyone's lives miserable. Oh, man. You know, it's so funny. I didn't know that that was a thing. I didn't know like toxic fandom was a thing.

Yeah, you're just like an actor who's excited. You get to be in this like laser movie. So extremely excited. So naive. I also thought to myself, I don't know if you ever thought this, but I thought, you know, when I get there, when I'm a working actor, these people are going to be so evolved. Everyone, because they're not worried about money. They're going to be thinking about how to make the world better. And boy, was I wrong.

Who do you mean? You mean the people you work with, the people who have money? I think, I don't know. I think because I came from background where my parents. What is your background? Where'd you grow up? I grew up in San Diego, very working class family. My mom. San Diego working class means. Well, my dad worked at Burger King his whole life. Oh, okay. Really? What do you do? Yeah. He started as a cash, like, register, like at the cash register and sort of worked his way up to being a regional manager. Wow. Yeah. Do you retire or is he still out there? In these streets. Yeah. He's retired and he's also out there in these streets.

Oh, okay. No further questions regarding that. But yeah, I think because I like just came from a world where I did not know that being an actor or being an artist of any kind was a real job. I just, I really had this idea in my like little naive brain that people would be somehow different if they were working in this world. And then what did you find when you got, because you're in this huge movie, a couple of huge movies, these Star Wars movies. You're also in Raya the Last Dragon, of course, which is a huge Disney animated film, computer animated film. What did you find once you became successful? Oh, sadness follows you everywhere.

Well, one has to heal themselves before success and money won't change any of that. Yes. Any of that, the abyss that lies within one's heart. Oh, it's always there. And even when you're like, I'm healed, it's just like knocking. just like waiting for the right moment. But now you put that in the rearview mirror. You don't have to do these stupid Star Wars movies anymore.

Did you ever find yourself like shooting a gun going peo, pew, pew, pew, pew. Yeah, absolutely. We all did that on set. It was so fun. It's very fun. Yeah. And were you surprised we used to see the movie and there's laser shooting out of the guns? Were you like, oh, wow.

I think that we all just had fun playing make-believe. Like, I seriously feel like, I don't know how to explain it. You just become a kid on those sets. And then, yeah, I guess you watch it and everything's put together. And you're like, oh, it looks so rad. It's so cool. Yeah. It's crazy, though, to be there in basically just a room. Yeah.

And with a fake gun. Yeah. Just going like, ah, like yelling at people. And everything takes so long. Oh, how long does this take to film one of those? Let me guess. You probably filmed. Let's see.

I would think that they take about like two weeks. You know, that's a good guess. Pretty good guess. But the first one I would. I was there for eight months, but I would say some of that... Eight months. Yeah, it was a long time. But some of that was also like prep time and like, you know, they were like forcing me to work out and all that stuff. I mean, I did willingly and gratefully. What kind of workouts did you have to do for Star Wars? Lots of weightlifting, lots of...

What do you bench? Right now? No idea. The minute they say, that's like, I'm out of here. That's a wrap on Kelly Marie Duran. You're like clank, the weights go. Exactly, exactly. But yeah, lots of weightlifting, lots of running. Running, wow. Like sprinting?

I guess, I mean, but that's the thing is like, I don't remember watching that Star Wars movie and watching like a two-minute uninterrupted cut of you running anywhere. Like, why do you have to do it? I don't know. I honestly don't know. To keep up your stamina to. Yeah, I guess.

Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Does it seem like a different person? Absolutely. Because we did all those movies, all those Star Wars movies, and then the COVID happens. It just seems like an eternity ago. Totally.

It seems like a million years ago. And I also feel like I'm such a different person now. I would like to think that I've... In what manner? So at the time I was 26 when I was in that movie. And now I'm 36, so it's been 10 years. and I have been to a lot of therapy and done a lot of self-work. You know, okay, this is actually a good thing.

I'm going to share this with you because no one else cares, but I'll share it with you anyway. Okay, I care. Okay, thanks, dude. We at Comedy, Bang, Bang, Care. Thank you. Hey, you know what? That's a good slogan. Yeah, that's our new slogan for 2025.

That might be it. We at Comedy, Bang, Bang, Care. I love that. We all need some caring. Yeah, so I feel like the main thing that has changed is that I've done this self-work to recognize that I'm no longer looking to other people for validation of the things that I do work-wise. I think that that maybe was the reason why the sort of backlash I had affected me so much is because I did not know how to separate that from the experience that I had for myself.

Does that make sense? It does make sense. And here's what I think. I think that the majority of people just go see these films and appreciate them and then never talk about it. I've said it before, if you're on the internet writing something, you are a lunatic. If you are, if you are, if you are writing an email, check yourself into a mental facility. If you're on, on Google worksheets, like get some help. Call the suicide prevention lines. It's true. Why is anyone out there writing stuff on the internet about anything? Like, I think 99% of the people just go and go, oh, that was good. I like that, you know, and they see you and they laugh at your, at your, because you were a fun character. Rose Tico, of course. Hey, thanks. And, you know, you were fun, and it's a fun movie, and why does anyone care about Star Wars?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Like, why does it take up anyone's headspace at all? I don't know. You know what I mean? The second the credit's rolling, it's like you should forget about it immediately. But now, of course, you're not doing these Star Wars films.

You're in the film, The Wedding Banquet, which comes out this Friday. Yeah. Tell us about the wedding banquet. I've seen this film, of course. I got, I don't like to brag on this show necessarily, but I did. I did get a screener link. And of course, had my name superimposed on it the entire time as the filmmakers intended. But this is a remake of the Aung Lee film from the 90s.

Is that right? Yeah, it is. It's a remake. I mean, they're calling it more of a reimagining because the story is completely different. It's very different. Yes. Yeah. And it's a story of two gay couples. and the lesbian couple wants to have a baby, but they don't have enough money to continue IVF treatments.

And the other couple, one of them wants to get married because he needs a great, well, he loves his partner, but also needs a green card. And so they end up creating this agreement where one of the gay men is going to marry one of the lesbian women so that they can solve both of their problems and wackiness ensues. And the couples in question, you, of course, are in one. one of the relationships with Lily Gladstone, who we remember from Killers of the Flower Moon. Yeah.

And we have Bowen Yang along with Han Ghi Chan and they're together. Yes. And it's, I have not seen the original, but I read the synopsis of it, as the filmmaker intended. And it is very, very, very different thing, because it almost is like a comedy of errors in the original, it sounds like, of like, oh, no, what is going to happen if the, the gay man's family finds out that he's gay not marrying for love. And what's very interesting about this film is his mother comes to the states immediately and the jig is up. And she sees through it immediately. Yeah.

So it's a very different plot. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So Gichon's mother, played by YJ, who I'm obsessed with. Yeah, she comes. Exactly. You said it perfectly.

You've watched the movie. I have watched the movie. All the way to the end. You weren't just staring at your name the whole thing. I got to admit, I didn't watch all the way through the credits.

Hey, that's fine. I kind of turned down the volume as the credits started. And I was like, is there anything more? And then about 90 seconds in, I was like, I think I can safely stop this. You did good.

Was there an after credit scene? No, there wasn't. No, there wasn't. But you know what? I feel like I have that experience too, whatever movie I'm watching. I'm like, now I feel like I have to stay through their credits.

And I think they did that on purpose. I think they've all gaslit us now. And now we have to sit through the credits to see if there's anything special. I know, and then there never is anything. And then it's just disappointment. Yeah, but I do love to look at all the gaffers names. I do too.

Yeah. They are the most important people on set. They are. I would say the PA's art as well. Uh, eh. Um, in any case, so, uh, this is directed by Andrew Onne. Yes.

Uh, who directed Fire Island among other films. Yeah. He's such an incredible. How'd you get hooked up with this film? I auditioned, bro. Really? Yeah. You're not offer only when it comes to this kind of thing?

No, no, no. I honestly audition for, I'll get a few offers here in there, but I audition for everything. And I also feel like I'm going to audition for everything forever. I have no ego about that. That's great. I love that. Yeah, because if you want to get a good part, why not show them what you can do, you know? Yeah, and also, like, I feel, I don't know if you've experienced this.

I feel like the things that people bring to you without auditioning, it's always sort of like, oh, you've done this exact thing before. So if you want to do anything different. Yeah, we know you can do this. We've seen you do it. So just come do the exact thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a very different role than the Star Wars movies.

Yeah. And Ryan, and of course the Comedy Bang Bang TV show, the three things I know you've done. Of course. Hey. But, yeah, because you're playing, you're, I don't want to say it's not a, it's kind of a glow down in a way. You're not wrong. Yeah. That's part of it is, is.

you're you're kind of playing doubt not doubty but you're glam down yeah and that's part of the plot is when the mother gets to the the states yeah you sort of put on makeup and try to act more straight or something yeah yeah totally um oh now I'm like self-conscious that I'm also dressed down in my real life all the time but no I would say you're considerably dressed down in the movie from where you are right now okay cool cool cool um yeah Yeah, it is a different type of character. And like you said, there is a lot of, I think, conversation around, like, gender presentation and how people choose to present themselves and how people are judged for those decisions. Yeah, and Angela is a character, like you said, who's very, like, I don't know.

Can I say bitch? I would say she's like super butch. Yeah. And there's the very funny scene where you're trying to de-gay your house when you're. you know the mother has come. She's about 45 minutes away. She's just landed and you're trying to get rid of everything in the house. Yeah. And it takes way longer than expected because everything in there. Is gay. Yeah. Yeah. And what was it like being on set here? Did you play pranks on set? Huh. We did it. Like George Clooney did. I mean, you know.

To be on the set of ER with George. Cluny. Can you imagine the 90s TV, NBC money? That would be so, I can't even imagine. I can't even imagine. And then Clooney's playing basketball in between takes. Amazing. You sit down on a whoopee cushion when you're a doctor.

Good old days. Yeah, even the pranks back then, just wholesome pranks. Wholesome, come on. Come on. Wholesome. But so you audition for the role, you get it. Yes. Do you know anyone on set as you're going

in there? No, I had met Bowen once because I went to S&L to see Ego and Bowen was there. We said hi for like two seconds, but we didn't really know each other. And I didn't know anyone else either. So it was very much a new environment. But I will say, I think Andrew and also all the actors and everyone and the crew, like the environment was so welcoming and it was just really open to improv and being creative and just being silly and not feeling like you had to impress anyone. So it was, it was a great environment. We all became close really, really fast. And by the end, we were, I remember the last week of shooting, we were all between takes, we'd be like watching couples there together and just like dissecting these relationship dynamics. And do you still talk to anyone?

Yeah, we're, yeah, I do. But that's because, you know, this is very recent. Oh, okay, yeah, it'll fade. Yeah. Don't worry. The sadness will come. back. There'll be a text chain that lasts for a while and then it'll lay fallow quite soon. Oh my God. Oh my God. But yeah. Are you still on a Star Wars text chain? No. Yeah. No. No, absolutely not. Did you talk to anyone from Star Wars? Oh my God. This is so sad. Not regularly, no. Well, it's a very fun film. If you've seen Fire Island, it's akin to that kind of tone. and it sounds, it's weird because the setup of it, the 90s film set is like I mentioned,

it's kind of like one of these, oh no, what's going to happen? But it's not like that at all. The film takes a very different direction where everyone just kind of knows what's happening, which is very interesting to see. Yeah, I would say all the main characters know what's happening. And then they're trying to fool like. Yes, auxiliary characters. Yes, yes.

But it's not one of these things where it's like the bird cage where, oh, no, if someone finds out this, then it's, you know. Right. It doesn't have that feeling of, it's like a feeling of anxiousness, I get, where it's like, I don't want people to find out the thing. Yeah, it's more kind of just, like, fun maybe. Yeah, exactly. Comes out this Friday, how many screens are we on?

How many reels is the film? What are the stats? Oh, my God. I have no idea. No clue. How long is this film? 102 minutes, about 20 minutes of reel. We're talking, sounds like a six reeler to me.

that sounds right so if you're seeing it projected on film when you see those little dots in the corner count the reels it'll be about six cool okay okay okay I don't know what you're talking about but I am gonna count you gotta see Fight Club I have they talk about it in there oh you go back and watch Fight Club

I'm one of those people that I'll watch a movie and then it's kind of you don't even remember the movies you were in I know it's a problem let me test you on this is it a coping mechanism maybe who is Darth Vader He is Luke's father. This is, by the way...

That guy, Luke's father. By the way, this is some of your best acting in the wedding banquet where you have to pretend like you don't know what Star Wars is. Oh, my God. That was already written in there before I was even cast, and they kept it, and I love it. Well, it's a very fun film. Go out there to the theater.

There's not a better time to be had at the theater this weekend. We have to take a break, but we're going to come back. We have someone in the wellness space. Sounds like you're very interested in this space. interested. We also have a mysterious figure. I'm dying to know who this is. I'm terrified and excited. All right. We're going to come right back with Kelly Marie Tran. We're going to have more comedy bang bang bang after this. Comedy bang, bang, bang, we're back. Kelly Marie Tran is here from the wedding banquet in theaters this Friday. There is a wedding banquet in the film,

so the title is not lying. Unlike The Last Jedi, which kind of lied. It's not the last Jedi because Ray becomes a Jedi. I want my money back. Thank you for the plot review. I'm remembering it now. Because like Luke is in that film, right? Luke is in that film, yes, yeah.

Yeah. But he's like angry Luke. Okay, so Luke Skywalker. Yeah. Luke S. Yes. Lucas. Lukey boy.

But George Lucas. Lucas. Luke S. Yeah. Wow. I see what you're doing. I see what you're doing. Genius.

Genius. Isn't that weird? It's weird. I think all the names in Star Wars are like, you got Luke Skywalker, right? So he wants to go like flying around in space. Yeah. Han Solo. He's a lone wolf.

Leo Organa. She's like an organism, I guess. Yes. And then Rose Tico, how does that fit in? You know, I don't know. Tico. She started a tea company. Oh, yeah.

That would be great. I would see, this is the spinoff I want to see. Rose Tico's T Company. Everyone's just calm. Yeah, I love that. Just like the first sitcom. I love that. I would love to see this.

We need to get to our next guest. And this is exciting. She's in the wellness space. We'll figure out exactly where she resides in the wellness space. But please welcome Emily. Hi. Hi. So great to meet you.

Pleasure to be here. This is Kelly. Hello. Hi, Emily. Do you like to be called Kelly or Kelly Marie? Kelly's good. Hi, Kelly. Don't just accept the first thing I offer.

for you. What do you like? You like Kelly? I like Kelly. Okay, great. Thank you. All right. You're welcome. Wow. And Emily, you're, you're, are you, uh, is this a mononym? Do you have a last name? Professionally mononymous. Okay. Great. Um, and, uh, personally, you, you do have a last name, though? Emily, yeah. Okay. Emily yeah. Emily yeah? Emily yeah. Emily, yeah. Okay. It's great to meet you. You're in the wellness space. Yes. Formerly in tech, now in wellness. Uh, was. having sort of a nightmare time working in the tech industry and in what space were you working in the tech industry? I ran the girl department at SpaceX. Whoa, the whole girl department. Yes. There was a, there was a woman problem at SpaceX and I was sort of promoted to handle that.

What was the problem? Just like how they were treated, their lack of presence, all that kind of stuff. So they created a girl department, population one, to kind of deal with the problem. Cool. Yeah, it was really cool for a while. Did you go up in a spaceship or anything like that? No, that we were not allowed anywhere near the spaceships or any of the tech or anything or the cars or the computers or anything like that. Wait, the car, I mean, I know SpaceX doesn't make cars. You mean, like you couldn't even take a car to work? No, they didn't like when we were around any of, they like when we're strictly analog. Wait, wait, wait, I have a question. So you said that you are in the girl department and there's only one.

So you're the only person in the girl department? Yeah, I guess now there is no girl department because I have vacated my position at SpaceX. Okay. Well, it sounds like, I mean, what were your day-to-day duties there if you don't mind me asking? Well, I originally thought that I was going to get to like work on the ships and that kind of stuff, which would have been so cool. Like hammer away at them or anything? Yeah, programming, hammering at them, going in them, being around them, whatever. But I mostly was tasked with nail polish and clothing. For yourself, because you were the only woman who worked there, it sounds like. Yes, I was kind of working on some prototypes to see if we could break into the clothing and beauty sector. So like SpaceX branded, nail polish.

Yeah, like silver. Oh, yeah, yeah, like the color of spaceships. Yeah. You know that from Star Wars, right? I do know that from Star Wars, yes. Yes, and congratulations. Oh, thank you. So that ran its course.

Yes. You ended up... I had to leave. You had to leave. Yes. I was having horrible nightmares every night, not sleeping. What were the nightmares about? Do you remember?

The one that sticks out to me is I was in my grandma's house and I was fed a delectable treat. And I, within the dream, realized that the treat was actually made of wet concrete but hardened in my mouth. And when I went to the bathroom to, and this is my real grandma's house, I went to the bathroom to try to get it out of my mouth and all my teeth fell out. and I started gushing blood. Oh, God. That sounds horrible. And that's when I knew it was time to consider leaving. You think the dreams are related to the time you were having at SpaceX.

Well, prior to that job, I had never dreamt. Really? How unique of you? You'd never dream. So suddenly, you're asleep. This movie starts playing in your head. You're like, what is this? You're being fed a delectable treat.

You're like, this is not bad. Yeah. I should do this more often. This is the job. This is the girl department. And then I realize the girl department is wet concrete. and I must remove from my mouth gushing blood. Oh my God.

This sounds horrible. So at that point you considered leaving. I considered leaving. And then I had that dream for six months straight every single night. Wow. Oh, my God. This sounds terrible. So I eventually left, yes.

So wait, so the six months happens and then you eventually left after that. How long did it take from the first dream to you leaving? Well, I was having that dream for six months straight. And then after I was like, I swear to God, if I have this dream for six months, I'm going to leave. And then I left. Okay. Okay, so six months from the first dream to the last dream. Yes.

Okay. And, but that's, that's in your past, much like Star Wars is, to Kelly over here. And congratulations. We're healed. Congrats to you. No more spaceships between the two of you. Yes. And what are you doing now?

So I was in a really dark place, and I realized that the thing that worked best for me was self-soothing and little mantras and stuff like that. So I have put together a deck of cards with a bunch of parts. with a bunch of problems that you could have and then you sort of pull the problem. So there's a deck of cards with problems that people might have. Yes.

And are you supposed to rifle through the deck finding your exact problem or you just... Yeah. It's all changed. Okay. So you got to... Find your problem first. Yes.

And that's part of the fun is finding your problem. And there are so many problems in the deck. Truly, if you have a problem, you're going to see it in there. So how many cards are in this particular deck? They're at, as of right now, we're operating at 2000. 2,000 cards in one deck.

So you have to search through 2,000 cards to find you. Why can't you just know your own problem? Why do you have to find the problem in the deck? Well, you know your problem. And the deck does too. So then you just have to find it in the deck. This sounds like it's going to take a lot of time. Search.

Is it alphabetized at all or is it just random? If you want to. Meaning that you have to do it when you receive the deck? If you want to. You don't have to, but you can. Okay. So once you, hours later, after you found your particular problem, what do you do then? Then you flip over the card and you read what I told you.

So it's a two-sided card. It's a two-sided card. So one side is the problem. Okay. And then the other side is what I tell you. Okay. And these are solutions to the problem or these are mantras? It's what I tell you.

So sometimes it's a mantra, sometimes. But usually it's like encouraging words. Oh, okay. All right. So let's, Kelly, why don't you offer a problem that you're having currently? My grandmother just passed away. Wow. Topical, considering my dream. Okay.

The dream that you had months and months ago? Yes. In the grand scheme of the world, that's topical. I mean, honestly, anything that's happened in the last 2,000 years is probably topical. Exactly. From Jesus dying to now. So we agree. Okay. Yeah, we're in agreement.

All right. So Kelly, I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. Oh, thank you. What is the suggestion? Okay. Your grandmother died. Hold on. Okay, you have a giant deck of cards.

These cards, by the way, are, they're not playing card size. These are giant cards. This takes up so much room in your house to have all these cards. It's worth it. Okay. What do we have? Look at you, frowning. Have you ever considered that the sun shines brightest when it is dawn?

And birds are plattest when the sun goes down? So wipe those tears and remember that dancing is happening when no one is even watching as long as you believe in the dream of what? a movie can look like. Dreams can be real as long as Christmas is different, okay? Now let me see that smile go big. That was long. It was long. How does it make you feel to know that birds...

You know, I was with you in the beginning. And then I kind of was trying to follow, and I was having a hard time, I'm going to be honest. I mean, I think the birds are really chirping the most, in my experience, when the sun comes up. Yeah. Yes, that's true. I mean, not, you know, you were saying at night when the sun's going down. Usually that's when the birds are like, I'm going to take it easy for now.

But you need to broaden your experience because in different hemispheres, they're chirping at different times of day. Oh, it's a hemisphere thing. It's a hemispheric thing, yeah. And water goes down the drain in the toilet in a different direction. Why is that? I don't know. That's a problem. Do you think they could make a toilet that shoots water the other way? I would love to be on the ground floor of that.

You could be in the girl department of that. I would love to be in the girl department of that where you can kind of bedazzle the handle of the toilet. Shouldn't men and women have different toilets at home too? Like you go out to a movie theater or whatever, of course, the wedding banquet in theaters this Friday. Congratulations, by the way. And men and women have different toilets. Yes. And then you're at home and you've got to share one with whoever's in your house.

Well, I think everyone in the world should have their own toilet. I agree. That they drag around with them. Yes, they should take a witness. them. There's none of this issues about gender-specific bathrooms or anything. Wet teeth. Is that what you said? Wet seat. Soaking wet seat from and and look, no one wants to put their bare ass on the toilet. But when the girlies are hovering over it and they get it soaking wet, I go actually women shouldn't be allowed to vote. Oh my God. I don't know about that. But I do, I do appreciate the solo toilet that you take everywhere with you. Yes. And you can just have it on a little chain. Yes, on a skateboard. Like Spud's McKenzie.

Yes. We are so aligned. So how did this make you feel, Kelly? This, this, you sort of lost you. Yeah. But do you gain any perspective regarding your recent tragedy? You know, I'm going to be honest. I don't think so. But did you hear the part where you make the smile go big?

I did hear that part. Can you smile for us, honey? Okay, I got to get a picture of this. I actually have a really good one when you are experiencing sexism at work Okay, love it Okay, this might apply to you right now In a work environment

Smile so big, honey Do you consider an interview to be a work environment? I guess you're on a press tour Yeah, when you're on a press tour For me, it's just fun, but for you Well, I guess I'm promoting my deck of cards as well Okay Okay

Girls can do all kinds of everything As long as they stand as tall as the rings Of the biggest tree in the forest of the city and when life hands you lemons, write in your gratitude journal, and don't forget to eat the fruits of your labors. Because the moon is watching, so don't listen to anyone but your heartbeat and dance like no one is Santa.

Not even like Tim Allen in the Santa Claus? I didn't specify. I feel like everyone has their own experience of Santa. Everyone has their own Santa, yeah. Yeah. So I wouldn't try to put a label on that. This is just about like setting you up. Does that help you with the sexism you're currently experiencing?

in this work environment? Dance like no one is Santa. Think about it. Yeah. So if you were to dance as if Santa doesn't exist or just in this scenario, does Santa exist? Okay, so think about it. You're dancing like no one is Santa. So Santa's watching to see if you're good or you're bad.

So we're working on this binary of goodness and badness. If Santa's not there, you don't have to worry about good and bad. So you can just dance freely in the moonlight underneath the sky. That's right. There are no repercussions for being a bad dancer. You know what? I think I know what's happening here. I think Emily is just like so much more evolved than me that I'm having trouble keeping up with the thoughts because I did not understand initially dance like no one is Santa, but as soon as you explained it, I was like, oh my God, I get it. And here's the thing though. You've only read two cards of 2000 and counting. So once you get through the other 1,998, I think you might circle back around to dance like no one is Santa and know what I mean the first time. I personally hope I don't have 2,000 problems in my life. I, I tend to just have one that repeats over and over and over again. What is it?

Yeah, what's that, Scott? You're teasing. Pretty much just being an annoying person. Is there a card for that or? Well, I have one that I go to a lot, which is when you feel ugly. This is for me. But I feel like it might apply. And by the way, I don't agree with that.

I think you're very, very beautiful. In fact, smoke, if you don't mind me saying. Like a smoke show. Oh, my God. I'm sweating. You're a dime piece. Damn. Damn.

I hope that's okay to say in this professional environment. No, it's really good, actually. I actually don't know what to do when I'm not getting treatment like that in the workplace. Okay, so here's when you feel ugly. Aw. Hey, Mama. What's up? A little birdie told me that you're feeling ugly.

Don't do that. Close your eyes. Imagine a beautiful woman. Not you. Someone actually beautiful. like a model or a princess. Keep your eyes closed all day. Do not open them because you never know where there's going to be a mirror or reflective surface.

With your eyes closed, pretend you are that woman all day. That's better. Isn't it, Mama? Not bad. Not bad. So for me, if I were to apply that to your situation, I would say, imagine someone who's not annoying. Close your eyes and pretend to be that person all day. I'm going to find it difficult, to be honest, TBH, to keep my eyes closed the entire day.

I mean, I have duties around the house. Like what? Changing my daughter's diapers. But if you were a feminist and you had done it enough times, you would be able to do that shit with your eyes closed. That's true. So put that to the test, Mama. I mean, it's not bad advice. What do we think, Kelly?

Not bad advice. You know, I'm just trying to soak in. family's energy, truly. I like how that one you addressed everyone who's reading it by mama. Mama. What was the choice behind that? I think that day when I wrote that, I was thinking of my mom. That's so nice.

Who is your mom? My mom is Kelly Marie Ben-Simone from the Real Housewives of New York City. Oh, my God, we shared two first names. Oh, wow. I think her middle name is Marie. I have no. I mean, you would know out of any of any of us. To be honest, I've never seen the show.

I said it so confidently. Wait, do you want me to look this up? I would actually love it. Who is this? Kelleigh, could type in Kelly Ben-Simon. Kelly Ben-Simon? Yeah, like the photographer, Gilles-Benzimon from a guy model. I believe your mother's middle name is Killaren.

Killerin. Oh, so I guess I was thinking of Kelly Marie because she's across the table. That's probably, but I will say that Killer Men and Marie are two letters that are very close to each other in the alphabet. Yeah, they rhyme. So it's really easy for me to make that mistake. Yeah, Kelly Ben-Simon, she was on the Scary Island season of Real Housewives of New York City, and she is me, mom. Wow, that's incredible. She, from seasons two to four.

Yes. She runs a lot, and she refuses to call Bethany Frankel a chef. She says, you're a cook. And I love when she does that. What is the differentiation between? I think to her, it, like, feels like she's insulting her. Yeah, and she's like trying to talk down to... It's like me with Dame Judy Datch.

Like, I'm just going to call you Jude's. But you guys are friends. That's true, yeah. We were. Oh. Did she die? I think so. We had a falling out before that, so I haven't kept up on it.

Rest in power, all who have passed in the history of the world. Judy, of course, yes, is still with us. Thank goodness. You guys should, you know what? There's still time to make up. We should reconnect. We should reconnect. Well, this sounds, I mean, honestly, these cards are so giant.

Yeah. They're like novelty playing card size. Yes. And there's 2,000 of them. This is a heavy lift. I'm sorry. If you can read Infinite Jest, you can read 2,000 cards about yourself. Have you read Infinite Jest?

No. And I'm not going to. Everybody who's reading that book needs to go to, bed. I don't like them. How much is it retail for? What's MSRP? There's only one so far. It's actually not for sale yet, but I'm looking for a distributor of my cards and a printing press to collaborate with. Oh, okay. If anyone's listening. How did you get those printed? By hand. Oh, I see. Okay. Yes. And is that why they're so big? Maybe you'll make them smaller. I definitely wouldn't ever make them smaller, but I would make them bigger. I would make them bigger. I would love to make them bigger. I would love to have a house wallpapered in the cards.

Wow. Okay. But the problem with that is, would they have the problem side up or the solution side up? Because that's the only side you're going to see if it's wallpapered. I'm going to throw up. I didn't think about it. Okay. Maybe you could number them though and then like, it could be like a choose your own adventure book where it's like to see the answer to this go into the study with, you know, number 53. You should make like a mystery book. we should go into business together where we do a murder mystery. I would love that.

I mean, you're obviously so attracted to me. So I think we would have a really good working relationship. You are so freaking hot. I wish the listeners could see how sexy I am. I don't like to say that to a lot of my guests. And I appreciate that because it would mean less. It came up naturally in conversation, didn't it? I really, yeah, it was related to what we were talking about for sure.

and it's so meaningful to hear something like that. I think this is a good compliment and one that I should start giving more. I think as long as the guest is female, you should offer that kind of feedback to her. Is that the kind of feedback you would get at SpaceX in the girl department? Well, you see, no one really came in the room. You only had one room. I had one room. It was like a closet in like a deep, deep basement underneath one of the bunkers that they had.

They have bunkers. Oh, yeah. They got bunkers. I haven't heard about the SpaceX bunkers. There's the space as bunkers that are underneath the facility. And then, yeah, it's like fully stocked with everything that Elon likes. So it's got like all the poop he eats for every meal and like all the, all the book he likes. Which book is this?

Infinite jest, yeah. He's read that cover to cover, cum stained rock art book. Pages stuck together. So, yeah, it's basically just poop and infinite. adjust. Wow. Okay. This sounds horrible. I'm glad you're out of there. Thank you. And now you're doing this. And now I'm doing this. Well, put me on the list. I'd love to have a collection of these car. I don't know where I'll keep it. You can clear out some space in your house. What would you get rid of in here? Maybe car. They are, I mean, 2,000 of these is about as big as a mid-sized sedan. Yeah, it's car size. Speaking of my favorite movie old mid-sized sedan. That's a character name in it. He's a rapper. Is that a good choice? for a character name? Is that real? If you're writing a movie, yes.

Mid-sized sedan? Yes. I think it's a great choice. Sure, why not? Yeah, why not? Make all your characters' name stupid. You know what I mean? In a world full of like Elizabeth or whatever and Emily, like my name, why not be mid-sized sedan?

I'm going to remember that. Full of what's her name, Kelly Killarine Ben-Simon. Kelly Marie-Benzum. Well, Emily, we have to take a break. Can you stick around with us? It would bring me so much joy. Because we have a mysterious figure coming up. Whoa.

Yeah, this is very exciting. I don't know anything about this person, place, or thing, but it's very mysterious. And Kelly, obviously, you can stick around, right? Hell yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, we're going to be right back. We have more with Emily Ben Simone, I guess, is your last name, or Emily, yeah.

Yeah. And more Kelly Marie Tran. We'll be right back with more. Comedy Bang, Bang, after this. Comedy Bang Bang. We are back. Kelly Marie Tran is here. The wedding banquet comes out this Friday in all good theaters.

And, I mean, anything else you want to say about this film? I mean, it's got laughs. It's got tears. It's got tears. It's got... It's fun. Fun. This is a good pull quote.

It's fun. Perfect. Just apostrophe S. Yeah, making the headlines. It's fun. We also have Emily here, Emily Ben Simone. Yes.

Now just monomimic, Emily. Emily. And you've been shuffling through those cards. Like, you could be a professional dealer in Vegas. That is so sweet because I think those are some of the most chic people alive. You got that vest and you get the cards all pliable. Can you imagine having that many pockets on a vest? It's like R-E-I, but.

hot. Yeah. Because I love an REI jacket, but everybody makes fun of me when I wear an REI jacket, but you put on a dealer's vest with all those pockets and you're at work. Then you get respect. You get respect. You have a trade. You're not some loser going up a hill. You have gorgeous hands, by the way. Oh my God, thank you. I actually

have arthritis really bad, so it's really sweet of you to say that. Yeah, I can tell just from the way you're trying to clutch at the cards. Yes. But they're gorgeous. Like, just looking at them, they're gorgeous. That's so sweet. It's kind of hurting my hands by proxy looking at you try to pick up these cards. Because of how much they shake. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, why did you get into the cards business if you could barely pick them up? It just felt like I've already overcome so many obstacles getting out of the bunker and like... You had to escape the bunker, by the way? Oh, yes. Yeah. There wasn't really a way out. In a way, it was sort of like a prison. Were you, I have to ask you, Emily, were you brought that, you say you were part of the girl department. Yes. It sounds to be more like you were recruited by Elon Musk to be the woman that he would try to repopulate the earth with if something were to happen? That's a really interesting theory because of my aforementioned beauty and sexiness, and that I was underground and alone. But how do you explain all the important tasks that I was being

given? What were some of the tasks that you would do on a day-to-day basis? The nail polish, right? It sounds like he wanted you to look nice and pretty for if something were to happen. You know, he's out there already trying to repopulate the earth above ground. I guess that's a really good point and one that I hadn't really considered. And I think if anybody can reach out to me and let me know if that's what happened to me, it would be really helpful. Yeah, I mean, because it sounds like you escaped. You had to, did you claw through anything? Yeah.

So I had like stockpiled a bunch of like the infinite jests and the poop and I figured out how. to use that along with the nail polish chemicals to construct basically a bomb. So I made a hole in the wall and kind of burrowed through that. You're a genius too? Hot and brains? Wow. Wow. This is incredible. There's a there really aren't a lot out there like that. Yeah, there are. Yeah. It's usually one or the other, right? According to you. Yes, yes. I hate women. Well, on that note, we need to get to our next guest. Over here. Oh. Oh. We have a mysterious figure on this show Over where?

Right over here, Scott. Where? I don't see you. Do I need to turn my head in a certain direction? Over here in the shadows. Clearly you've noticed me sitting here. You're in the shadows. How would I notice you see?

Well, you knew that we had to get to the next guest. Well, here, but I figured you might just walk in your, you've been in the room the whole time? Well, surely you've been able to feel my presence over. here. I don't mean to startle you, Mr. Ackerman. I wasn't, did I sound startled to you guys? No, you're very confident. I was terrible.

I was definitely startled. Definitely. Okay. You didn't startle me though, but I'm unstartleable. I've just like a real cool demeanor. Like, I'm an alpha, obviously. Yes. Awesome. Maybe a Sigma even. That's clear. That's plain to see.

Sorry if I startled either of you, Kelly Marie, Emily. All good. No problem. Why don't I step out from the shadow? Yeah, please step out from the shadows because I'm not really seeing you. Here I am. Oh.

Oh, okay. Hi. Hey. Hi. How, uh, do you have a name, sir, or madam? What do you like to be called? Sure. I'm happy to reveal my name. Can these two be trusted, Mr. Ackerman? Uh, I mean, I've known Kelly for a good decade since before Star Wars. So I'm like one of her tight buddies from, you know, pre-fame days.

Buds. And Emily, I mean, she's the daughter of Kelly, Killer, and Ben Simone. I think that just has a cachet. Yes. That tells you you can trust her. So, yeah, I definitely think so. No, wonderful. Well, Scott, you don't know me, but I know you.

Okay. I have some information that I think you might be interested in. sure yeah i mean if if you think i might be interested in it then i i might be i mean until i hear the information to be honest i don't know if i'm interested in it or not but why don't you hit me well i work for the u.s government does that interest you uh depending i mean it like you know the u.s government has a lot of employees less now but uh but a little bit more that's right Brought some people back. Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, because of the courts. So, you know, I mean, I don't know. If you work in the post office, that's a government employee. I couldn't say that I'd be incredibly interested in that. Well, I don't work in the post office, Mr. Ackerman. What I'm about to tell you, if you don't want to hear it, just tell me now and I'll leave. This is tough. Because I need to fill up more time.

Can we have a clue? Yeah, give us a little clue. Do you have a clue? Let's just say that once you hear about this, there's going to be a lot more that you know about in the world. If you tell me more information, I'm going to know more information than I previously knew. That's right.

I can't argue with that. Yeah, that's a good point. I don't know. You're picking up quick, Scott. That's why you're the person I wanted to talk to. I don't know. We have about probably, if I had to guess, another 25 minutes on the show.

I think I'm out of questions about Star Wars. All right, yeah, let's hear it. What are you got? Yeah, let's stop with the... Do you have any Star Wars questions, though, before? Do I have any questions about Star Wars? Yeah, they can be general Star Wars questions, and Kelly and I can both field them.

Because I've seen them. You probably know more than I do. What was it like going on that casino planet? Sick, dude. That was probably my favorite day on set. It was so fun. Really? Did you get to really gamble?

No. But there were like so many aliens around. Oh, yeah. And everything was built out and everything was there. I remember Ron Bergman, who is an incredible human and producer, came up to me and goes, this is the most expensive set you'll ever be on. And you know what? He's probably right.

Although with inflation, wedding banquet might, you know, because the Star Wars is 10 years ago. You're right. You're right. You're right. Yeah, good question. Well, that's interesting. Now I know a lot more than I did before. Thank you for answering that. You're welcome. I promise to keep it on the down low.

We have to, but... Okay, so, yeah, now that the Star Wars questions are out of the way, I think that we're probably good. Hit me with whatever information you have. Wonderful. My name is Randall Handler. Randall Handler. That's right. Okay. Your name is Randall Hand. Was that the information you want to? to give me? That's just the tip of the iceberg.

Okay, I hope so. Let's not just do just the tip here. Let's go everything. All right. So you're ready to roll. Look, let me stipulate. I am ready for it. Wonderful. Underneath my trench coat, I'm wearing khaki pants

and a white button-down shirt. Underneath my fedora, I'm bald. How does that strike you? Again, I'm hoping this is in the tip of the iceberg part, this is not information that I'm necessarily... Well, Scott, I got to trust you first.

We got to open up a little bit. Okay. Yeah, I... How long have you been bald, do you mind me asking? Since I was about 23. 23? That's, I mean, can be early for some people, but that's when male pattern baldness starts to set in.

I mean, how bald are you? Are you like Larry David, where you have the horseshoe or what are we... Would you like me to take my fedora off and see for yourself? To be honest... Most people don't get this far. They're too scared and they run away. I wouldn't mind you taking your hat off in the presence of some ladies. Ladies, do you mind?

Once you see it, you can't unsee it. I'd prefer. Hats off. Okay. We've got a curious crew here. Wonderful. I'm taking my fedora off now. I promise no sudden movements for me,

just taking off a normal fedora revealing a bald head. Okay. Yeah. That's, I mean, pretty bald. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got a little stubble.

I've got, yeah, I do have a little stubble on the top. I shave down, I try to get the monk pattern. Right. But I only have the, you know, there's part of it that's in between. Yeah. And so that part I shave down to get it. Right, yeah, yeah. Nice and crisp.

Okay, it looks, I mean, you look cool, I guess. What do we think? Very cool. Serving friar realness. Oh, thank you. I feel like I've been waiting decades to hear someone say that. I'm just so full of secrets that I never get the chance to reveal them. Okay, so what other secrets do you have?

Because we've seen your bald head. We know your name is Randall Handler. What else we got? I have a wife and three daughters. Okay. Their names are Anne, Beth, and Grace. And what's... Okay, so your wife's name is Ann, and then you have Beth and Grace,

and what's your other daughter's name? Oh, I was naming my three daughters. Oh, okay, what's your wife's name then? Why not name your wife? How embarrassing of me to not name my wife first. My wife's name is Kate. Okay. Kate.

Wow. Great. How does that strike you? I mean, uh, it's a good name. You know, everything sounds pretty normal so far. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

Can you get to the juicy, like, government stuff, you know, I mean. Government secrets, huh? That's what you're interested in? I've got plenty if you want to hear. I mean, I'm not necessarily interested in them. I just sounded like that's, you wanted to tell us some. Well, sure, I came on here.

You're a podcaster, the host of America's podcast. I know that you're a patriot. A comedy bang, bang? We care. That's right. You're a family man. You seem just the type of guy to reveal some things too. Okay.

Maybe open up a little bit. All right. All right. What else do you have? What else do I have? If you are going to repeat every question I ask back to me, you are grading my last nerve right now, Randall. Okay. Is this a tactic? A tactic? Stop repeating our questions.

Are you stalling for time? What are you doing? I guess I'm just feeling a little vulnerable right now. I've never opened up this much with any of it. then. I don't care. You want me to put my hat back on? I knew that this would happen if I revealed my bald head. I don't care about the hat in your bald head, but if it's going to make you feel more comfortable, put it back on. If you want me to put my hat back on, button up my trench coat, get in my car and go, I'm happy to do that. We can forget that this ever happened. We have about probably about 15 more minutes in the segment, okay? We need to fill time. We need to

create content. So if you want to put your hat back on, if you want to button your trench coat, whatever you want to do to make yourself comfortable. I just want you to get to the good stuff. Get to the good stuff. So this isn't good enough for you. To be honest, no. Okay. This is all pretty standard stuff.

Randall Handler, Kate, the rest. And Grace Beth. One time I peed my pants at Madam Trussaud's Wax Museum. How about that? Oh, wow. Why? Because I was drinking water and I was afraid that if I went to the bathroom, You would miss something?

They're stationary. I was afraid that the wax figures would melt. They've taken care of the climate. I mean, obviously, I think there have been some instances where wax figures have melted in a fire or something, but you'd be lucky not to be there during a fire. Randall, how old were you when you peed your pants at the... 34 years old. Okay. Okay, how old are you now?

36. Whoa. Haunting stuff. I haven't told anyone that. Oh, okay. That's sweet. Is that all you got? Is that all I got?

Secret-wise? Can I drill down just a little bit on this? Did you have a spare pair of pants on you? Did I have a spare pair of pants on me at my trip to the wax museum? Why are you asking me that? Like, I'm crazy. Sounds like you drank a little bit of water and wet your pants. Maybe if I had a body like that, I would carry spare pants.

I didn't have a spare pair of pants, but I did take the pants off of key. Rives. What a good guy to take him from. I thought so, too. Even his wax figure is nice. Like John Wick pants or Matrix pants? He was, yeah, he was wearing Matrix pants. Well, I suppose, I don't think his Matrix pants are that different from his John Wick

pants. So I guess I'm not sure. The Matrix, everyone's wearing like S&M leather kind of stuff. Yeah, that's true. He was wearing that trench coat. Yeah. And I was like, okay, that's a guy who dresses similar to me. I could probably take his pants off and put them on.

And what's happening underneath the pants in a wax museum? Oh. Yeah, is everything like to detail? You know what I mean? Like his penis? Well, do they do, yeah, like do they do anything? And butthole. And butthole.

Thank you. And taint for one. For one and for two. And are they putting on underwear? Are they, oh, are the, is Madam Trussode's Wax Museum putting underwear? It's just soads, by the way, not Truisodes. Oh, God. That's embarrassing.

I knew that if I continued having a conversation this long, I'd eventually slip up. That's okay. I didn't know my mom's middle name. I give you one for free. When you said it the first time, I let it slide. But if you're going to continue talking about her, I'm going to have to correct you. You want me to keep her name out by fucking mouth? Well, uh...

Yeah, was there underwear on the wax museum of Keanu? Yeah, he was wearing silk, silk underpants. Silk? Wow. That's right. Okay. They're treating those wax figures very nice. Well, I think it's probably if they'd use something like cotton or wool,

it'd probably melt his penis off or something like that. It'd be too warm. Did you happen to take the underwear off? Because I would imagine you, yours, are wet. Or did you go commando the rest of the day? That would have been smart. I actually put the pants on over my wet underwear. So you rewet Keanu Reeves' Matrix pants?

I, well, yeah, they were. were damp on the inside, I guess, when I put them on. But they didn't have the large stain. Okay. And that got you out of Madam Sousseau. Now I'm saying it wrong. And I'll give you that one for free. Let's just both leave Madame Trisd to Sos out of us.

Out of our fucking notes, yes. So you got out of there, though, unscathed. No one saw. I got out of there unscathed. Were you with your family? I was. Kate and Beth and Grace. We're all having a wonderful time.

What about who is this Emily who's the other one that's all of them well no I mean your wife as well my wife's Kate you okay but then you only mention two other people Anne Beth and Grace okay all right oh I thought you said and oh I apologize that one's on me I'll give you that one for free because you messed up a different thing instead of the same thing you were messing up before we got one of a different thing each time okay so you got out of there did you leave them at the madam tisodes well briefly I had to dispose of my pants. No pun intended.

Briefs, of course. Aha. Now we're opening up. Getting to know each other a little better. Having fun. I guess so. Look, is this what you came to tell me about the time you wet your pants

at the Wax Museum? Well, I just came to, I guess, connect. Oh, okay. Do you have, you don't have a lot of friends or something? Well, you see, I normally spend a lot of

time on park benches or outside of corporate offices revealing government secrets to people. Revealing. Is that what you do mainly with your time is like you're like, uh, Keithers, not Keithers Sutherland, Donald Sutherland and, uh, JFK, you know, you're sitting on park benches and you're like, yes, or deep throat might be another similar comp. It's a gross name, right? Disgusting. It's like anytime you want to talk about the Nixon administration, you got to mention this

fucking pervert, blowjob technique. I almost think he did it to be salacious and make sure that it ended up in the news. I guess so. Even if he didn't have anything interesting to tell them, at the very least, they would go, well, I met a guy named Deep Throat. We should probably print that. In any case, so that's what you mainly do with your time. Yes.

And people are only ever interested about the government secrets that I have to reveal to them. They don't stick around in chat. No. Okay. Well, I never reveal anything to them. about myself. I guess we could get to know you then a little bit better. I mean, look, I mean, at Comedy Bang Bang, we care.

And that extends to you even. Oh, thank you. So I guess maybe I'll tell you about my day earlier. Sure. How interesting of a day. I mean, before we get into this, look, again, we have about nine more minutes on this segment. Like, what happened in the day? Look, if you have a better use of that nine minutes, I'll get out of here and leave.

We can wipe this recording and it'll be like we never met. No, we can't wipe the recording. I have to put out an episode. Okay, wonderful. And besides, we've had a dynamite conversation here with Kelly about Star Wars and about the wedding banquet. We've talked to Emily over here about her playing cards, her arthritic hands. We don't want to wipe the episode. Did you ever feel, Kelly, like when you were on set, people just wanted you to play your character and never get to know you

on a personal level? No. Well, while the cameras were rolling? While the cameras were rolling, yes, yeah. But I feel like you're asking me this question because there's a deeper meaning here. Do you feel like that? Yes, I do.

Seems like people just want to use you for your government secrets and they don't want to get to know you. I've never taken my hat off for any of these. You could have. I don't think anyone cares about your hat. So what you're saying, I should just go around taking my fedora off

and doffing my trench coat. If you're constantly taking your hat on and off and opening your trench coat, you're going to look like a weird per. Well, exactly. But do it once in the middle of a conversation, I don't think anyone minds. Just do it once, see how it goes? Sure. Why not? Yeah.

I mean, were you guys startled by his bald head? No. No way. It was fine, right? You did say I was giving friar real realness. Serving friar realness. That's right. which is a compliment also by the way are you asking these people questions you know if you want them to ask you questions you should maybe ask them some questions so when you're sitting down with oh my god you know someone from you know the russian embassy and you're passing on state secrets or whatever are you ever inquiring about their day well i guess normally in a situation like that i've read an entire dossier on them so i know their habits i know when they get lunch i know when they go to the back

bathroom. I know who they've been speaking to in the last 25 days. But up till now, you've only been communicating through a dead drop, presumably. You know, I mean, just ask them some small talk questions. Jesus, you're right. Yeah, how about this? You read the dossier. You see that they love the show, um, South Park. And would that be typically in a dossier, by the way? That would definitely be in a dossier. So you see that they love the show. There have been times that I have turned myself into a cardboard cartoon. Like a cutout? Like a construction paper cardboard cutout cartoon just to be able to get close to an asset.

Interesting. I got to hear more about these times, actually. You want to hear more about it? Sure. I mean, it sounds fascinating. I guess it's work-related, but there's a lot that went into it. Yeah. I mean, did you do it from memory, or did you find something on the internet?

Well, so I was like, I think I know what Cartman looks like. And I sort of did it for memory. I got a bunch of construction paper at the store. and I believe he had a teal a hat with a white pom-pom on top. Probably. And like a very ovular face, maybe.

Ovular face. I think I know what he looks like too, but now I'm trying to. I'm pretty sure. I mean, I think if you saw a cardboard cut out that looked sort of like Cartman, you would be like, that's Cartman. It's actually so scary because I think I've spent hundreds of hours watching South Park and I could not draw us out of Cartman from memory. Who can you draw from memory out of that? Stan.

Kenny. Kenny. Okay. Because there's less decisions to make. Yeah, that's a good point. So how did it go? Did it go over well? Oh, yeah.

So I spoke to this guy as Cartman. Did you do the voice or? I did sort of an approximation of what I. Hey, man. You're, uh, you got to. Do you really feel like, you're doing an approximation of Cartman right now. Well,

Cartman kind of has a, kind of has a gravelly voice, doesn't he? Yeah, but I mean, I guess I'm not getting, okay. Do it for real. Come on. Yeah, you got to, he says, you got to respect my authority.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go for it. Okay. For real, but do it 100%. Do it full out. Stan. Come on, dude. What?

You're not doing the voice. Come on, man. Do it. it like you would really do it like you're out in the field like i would really do it yeah god it's just it's so vulnerable to like actually fall into a heartman do cartman do cartman do cartman do okay uh wang i got my mom my i uh i i i pooped my pants mom he does say that in one episode i'm pretty sure what okay he's playing video games or something anyway you were going to give me advice on what i do after i read someone's dossier

and they're into South Park? Oh, I was just going to say, ask them, like, wear a Cartman shirt or something. And then they see that you like the same stuff as them. Sounds like you already went there pretty, even further than just wearing the shirt. I know. I was actually so impressed, so I sort of let it go. But I think you can also, like, you're learning, like, a really scary amount of information about people.

So I think you can use it to your advantage and manipulate them into having a conversation about one of their interests. So how do I bring up something that I know that somebody knows about, but they don't know that I. know about. I mean, isn't that sort of... Wait, have you... Like you said, Manipel it. When you said that, you pointed at me.

Have you read a dossier on me? I have. Like, what kind of stuff is in there? I mean... You're a podcast host. Okay. Family man. Yeah.

By all accounts, an American patriot. I mean, yeah. That's, yeah, tried and true. You have a swing. These colors don't run. I've swing set in the back. Okay, sure. You're looking at that right now.

Well, it's not my fault that it's right behind your head. And it looks exactly like the swing set. Whose fault is it? I don't know. It's nobody's fault. Why are we fighting? I don't know. I like you.

I like you too. I think we've connected here today. Thank you. You seem like an interesting guy. You're willing to dress up like a life size, even bigger than life size. Cartman for your job. Yeah, I mean, I guess it's just, it's for work. They told me to do that.

But I do find pleasure in my, I do find pleasure in my work. Okay. I mean, you seem like a cool guy. You have three kids. You have a family who, I guess, loves you and is not embarrassed by you, even though you wet your pants and Madam Tissauds. They're embarrassed by me, but only because I love them so much. Sometimes my daughters, when I drop my daughters off to school, I say,

goodbye, Ann, goodbye Grace, goodbye, Beth. I love you and I can't wait to see you when we get home. And they say, dad, stop. You're embarrassing me in front of my friends. I tell them, I don't care if it embarrasses you because nothing could be less embarrassing than a father's love for his three daughters. Put that on a pillow. That's beautiful. Yeah.

That's gorgeous. You seem like a good guy. I know. You should have more friends. Yeah. I don't know why it. It's hard to make relationships in a. a job like this.

Maybe you could, outside of work, you could join some clubs. You know, maybe a church or something, Scientology. Scientology. Yeah. You know? Get to know all that. Well, they do the whole thing with the E meter reading, right? Yeah, why are you crossing your arms right now?

Like, that makes you feel uncomfortable. Well, no, I'm crossing it like I'm thinking about it. I could go to the E meter reading and they would ask me a lot of questions. That would actually be pretty good. That would be a good exercise for you. To answer questions. You could eventually go clear. And then they would build a dossier on me and use that to manipulate me, figure out where I'm going, what I'm doing.

Two can play at that game. Maybe two should. I think we, have we solved your problem? Just join Scientology. I think so. All right. I'm out of here. Wait, wait, wait.

Can you stick around? I'm going to go talk to some people who are more interested. Do you mind? Sure. All right, we are running out of time. I'm glad we solved someone's problem here. I feel like we haven't solved Kellys. We haven't solved Emmylies, but, you know, regarding your grandmother who just unfortunately passed away.

That's unsolvable. Unsolvable. Unless we cure death. Emily. I'll get to work. I mean, get back in touch with your buddy. Maybe he has some ideas on that. We are running out of time, though.

We only had time for one final feature on the show. That is something a little something, in fact, call plugs. One plug makes you larger All right, that was Benerson Schwartzplane by Randy Smith. Thank you, Randy Smith. If you have the plugs theme, head over to CBBWorld.com slash plugs, and you can be famous for a week in Randy. This is your week to shine.

Enjoy it. Man. What do we plug in? Kelly. Obviously, we have the wedding banquet in theaters this Friday. Do we not? We do. And you also have a Hulu thriller movie, right?

Yeah, that came out on the, yesterday. Well, no. Oh, shoot. It came out on March 13th. Weeks ago. Whoops. And tell us about that. If you don't mind, my lady.

Oh. I don't mind. Yeah, it's a horror movie about, intergenerational trauma. We love that on Hulu on March 13th, which was weeks ago. So people, obviously, it's weeks ago. People have been watching this thing. They've been talking about it. It's helped heal some of these intergenerational trauma that people have. When they go see a horror movie, they come out of it going like, I feel better about this. I would hope so. Yeah. And it's on Hulu. I'm only bringing this up because your people want me to talk about it. Do you not care? I'm good. I'm good. All right, fine. Thank you, though.

But the wedding banquet is in theaters Friday. Bowen Yang. Who else is in it? Lily Gladstone, Hongyu Chan, Joan Chen. Yeah, incredible cast. Incredible cast. All right, Emily, what do we plug in? I hope that sometime in the next few years you can buy my Earth Mama,

gorgeous queen, self-cold girl power celebration moon. Shee-o deck. 2,000 cards in counting. It will be big. It will be heavy. You will have to get rid of your car. When someone comes to you and they say, I have a new problem, is that, like, exciting for you? It's very exciting because I get to make a new one.

Yeah. Do you feel like, though, at this point, all 2000s are the only problems that people have in the world? You know, what's so beautiful about the world is there are always more problems. Yeah. That's great. And we can hope to solve a couple of them. You are so beautiful. You're just making me nervous talking to you.

Why? Because I feel like I don't even belong in your presence. Oh. Your hands are so gnarled and twisted, too. Long as well. Yep. Wow, they're like those tree branches and Into the Woods, starring Meryl Streep. Oh, yeah.

Bernadette Peters, the witch. That's right, yeah. Not in the movie, unfortunately. And it should have been the last midnight. Let's go. Yep. All right. Randall Handler, what do you want to plug?

Do you think I'm beautiful, Scott? I mean, I could take my trench coat. I haven't taken my trench coat on yet. I could take it off if you want. I personally would appreciate it if you would leave the trench coat on. Okay, sure. That's just a personal choice that I'm going to say. But in any case, I think you're, I mean, yeah, you're fine.

Look, you're a good looking guy. Thank you. You have a wife, you have three children. That's true. You like to bone, obviously. At least three times. Three times, yeah. Look, you got, it sounds to me like you have a great life.

Oh, thanks. Just like, what's the point of having a great life if you don't have friends to share it with? You know what I mean? Family to share it with. It sounds like you're going to make a lot of great few friends over there across from La Poubelle. Yeah, that's what, yeah. We're your friends. Yeah, we're your friends now.

That is just like such a breath of fresh air. That is just so great to hear. Comedy Bang Bang cares. We care. Do you have anything you want to plug, though? Well, I don't have anything personally to plug, except I sometimes I play flute down at La Cuevita in Highland. Cool. What do you mean sometimes? Is it like a regular gig? It's, it's irregular. At best.

It's irregular at best. It's like an open mic? You just show up with your flute? Well, I like sort of email them every now and then I go, can I get in on the jazz going on? So it's a combination that's already playing and you're additive to that? Yeah, just seeing if anybody, you know, dropped out or they needed anybody to play with, you know. Not a lot of jazz combos have flute in them. No, that's right. Yeah, but so how often do you do it? It's hard to, it's irregular.

I mean, I've done it four times. Over what period of time? I guess the entire history of the world. Yes, of course. I mean, certainly there were eons before I was born. Where you were not doing this. Where I wasn't doing it. Sure.

So you could, you could say that I started doing it three months ago. Three months? Well, four times in three months is not bad. It's true. Over one a month. It's a pretty, exactly. That's sort of a regular schedule. How often are you emailing, though?

Three times a day. Okay, so these are not good odds. No. I have a dossier on a man named James Mannion. As far as I know, he is an improviser and comedian, and he produces a show called Comedian Clash. Give me that one for free, please. No problem.

He's going to let us slide. It's his show, not mine. I've never said it out loud. before. I've only read it on a dossier at the Elysian Theater the last Sunday of every month. So that will be the last Sunday in April and the

fourth Friday of the month at the UCB Theater doing improv with the team Leroy. So go check it out. Okay, that sounds amazing. I want to plug, we mentioned CBBWorld.com. We have some great shows over there.

First of all, the entire archive of Comedy, bang, bang, ad-free, as well as every live episode we've ever done. We have the neighborhood listen. We have College Town. We have CBB Presents where people from this show have their own shows like, hey, Randy, and Who Me with the Batman?

So many, you pray dunk with Bill Walton, so many great shows over there. Also, AdFree Freedom. Scott hasn't seen where we watch movies that I haven't seen. We're a month, month, just completed where we did movies with the months in the title. That was such a great month. Wow. An incredible

incredible time. Head over there. If you subscribe for a year, you get the two months free. And the other thing I want to plug is we still have action figures. We still have Randy and Carissa action figures. You can get them available for customers

worldwide at figurecollections.com with free shipping with the US address or in Europe with cheaper import fees at action figure seller.com. We also, I believe, still have some Sprague and Big Sue action figures. as well as tour exclusives of J.W. Stillwater and myself. I believe those are still available.

All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Thank you so much. That was Simon Frank Peter Plug by Frankie Simon. Thanks so much to them. And guys, I want to thank you so much, Kelly. Great seeing you again. Great to see, Edd. Continued success to you.

I hope may you do many more movies, many more TV shows and not give a shit about what anyone says about them. You have a wonderful career that other people should emulate and you do great stuff. And please come back. You are now in the two-timers club. Oh, my God. That's exciting. Yeah. And Emily, so nice to meet you.

So nice to meet you. What are you doing afterwards? Hang it out with you. Oh, hell yeah. And Randall Handler, hey, when you're here, your family. That's the new... I mean, we care. Comedy bang, bang, bang, we care.

When you're here, you're also family. Well, I certainly feel familiar with you. I do want to see the dossier you have on me. Sounds like the top four things are... I'm a podcaster, a family. family man, a patriot, a swing set in my backyard. That's right. I can fill this in for you, if you like.

I can tell you all about really? Yeah, yeah. So I could have just asked? Yeah, you could just ask me questions. Yeah, I'm an open book. What do you do between 8 a.m. and 8.30 a.m. Usually I'm, you know, feeding breakfast to my daughter, you know, just counting down the minutes till the nanny comes.

Okay. That's beautiful. Family man I guess I'll put that in there Yeah that sort of does fall under family man I feel like I probably could have connected that dot myself All right thanks We'll see you next time bye