Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Goomi Turned The Mustard Green (Sean Clements, May Darmon, Matt Apodaca)

Episode Date: July 27, 2026

Writer and podcaster Sean Clements joins the seven timers club! He discusses the upcoming movie “The Dink,” pickleball, and how he and Scott are best friends in real life. Big city girl Helga is back with tales of minions, monsters, and fairies from Iceland. And video game protagonist Duke Nukem returns, with talk about explosions of a different kind. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigurecellar.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Comedy Bang Bang, Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy, Bang, Comedy, Bang, Comedy, Bang, Comedy, Momento, I have Uno Momentum. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bang, Comedy Bank, Unmimento, I have Uno Momentum. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thanks to man being asked to leave an Uno table for that catchphrase submission. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. My name is Scott Ackerman. We have a great show. Thank you so much for tuning in today. Is that what people do these days? They tune their podcaster, their podcast catcher, podcatcher, podcatcher. They tune it to a certain frequency. And it picks up Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you for doing that. We have an exceptional show. Coming up a little later, we have someone in publishing. We also have an action hero. So that's pretty good right there. But then add to that the person I'm about to introduce now. And you have a delicious stew, just a delicious gumbo that, quite frankly, I'm jealous of you for if you're listening to this. Because I'm listening to it. while it's happening and I'm enjoying it, but you guys get to hear it just totally without my brain being in the way, unlike myself, because my brain is in the way of listening to all this.

Anyway, but this is a fantastic guest. He's been on the show before. I wonder how many times he's been on the show. Do you mind if I look this up? Let's see. Are you asking me? No, I don't really care. I'm asking the listener, actually.

Do you guys mind if I look this up? I'll sit tight. Okay, you sit tight. He's entering. Because I am a listener in a way as well, though. You are listening, I appreciate that. That's the number one rule of improv, wouldn't you say? Not for me.

He is entering, one, two, three, four, high. He's entering the seven-timers club here on comedy, bang, bang. That feels good. I would have said less. Although... Some of those are wrong, their face. Some of those have an asterisk, which I'll tell you about during the break. but he is inexplicably the host of his own podcast.

Or do you consider yourself to be a co-host or a host? I've started to say co-host just to kind of keep things happy at home. Exactly. The other guy, the other co-host, does he consider himself just a host then? I believe that is his point of view, yes, that he is the host. He's the driver of the show and you're the guy kind of like kicking back and just reaping the benefits. from whatever he does. Is that right? That's right. Yes, he's doing all of the work and then I kind of hang out and, you know, hopefully for him throwing a quip here and that's right. And it's called

Hollywood Handbook, uh, which is entering it. How many years have you been doing Hollywood Handbook at this point? I think it's 13. 13 years. Incredible. And he's kept it going. You ever take a week off? You ever be like, just like, uh, not the handbook this week. Um, I take a week off, but we still do the show. Oh, cool. And you can hear it if you listen. That you have, Sometimes you will tune in and say, oh, he's taking a week off right now. Oh, he's on vacation time. Yeah. A little palm trees appear in your eyeballs.

We always release the episode, but it's pretty clear that I'm taking a week off. 13 years of Hollywood Handbook. He also has other shows. But most importantly, he has a new film. That's right. I said film. I'm not talking about the film on top of like a swampy marsh. No, no, no.

This isn't bog film. No, this is pure art. Mm-hmm. It's a new film called The Dink. That's right. And it's currently out on Apple TV. And we don't say the plus anymore, do we? I've dropped it, and so have they.

It's just, you know... Who dropped it first? It's implied. You know what? God damn, I'm going to get in trouble. I'll take credit. I think I stopped saying it, and they said, Jesus Christ, we like the way this sounds.

Do we need it? Just rolling off the tongue here of this guy. I'm loving it when I hear it from it. Yeah, yeah. It's on Apple TV now. You can check it out right now. Please welcome back to the show, Sean Clements. Hi. Hi. Thanks so much for having me, Scott. So wonderful to have you. We're, of course, off mic. We're great, great friends. Maybe best friends. Yeah, I mean, best friends is a tier, isn't it? It's not just a person. That's right. No, it's definitely how many people can be on that tier of best friend, in your opinion? Well, there's you. I guess it's a one-person tier. One person tier. Yeah. That's right. We're best friends.

And so full disclosure, that may come into the interview. That could bleed in where there's a little bit of familiarity. There's some shorthands. I may not be asking the hard questions of you. But, you know, look to your other interview. What other interviews have you done for this movie? Oh, wow. What other podcast?

I mean, obviously WTF, rest in peace, he's a quitter. He couldn't keep it going. Yep. No. How many years did he do? He did, I mean, he started after Comedy Bang Bang. We've been doing it 17 years. You probably did like 16 or 15 or you'll get there. You'll probably exceed him. Yeah. I think we can beat him. I think we can beat them. And the cultural impact that we'll have. I think you can beat that. I don't think there will be any question at the end of the day. So what other interviews have you done? Is Comedy Bang Bang, your last stop? No, not at all. I've got some more stuff lined up. I think I'm going to go. see the doughboys tomorrow. I'm excited about that. You're going to talk to the dough boys. Everyone wants to talk to the writer of a movie, don't they? It's, it's just, I'm the bell of the

ball and I'm not complaining. It's so closely associated with the writer whenever a film comes out. Because there's actors in it, but people don't give a shit. Oh, and actors who have been on this program before, Jake Johnson? Jake Johnson. The team member of the One Timers Club. Oh, yes. Producer Ben Stiller, One Time. Club. They all knew when to get out. They, well, but it's also, do you really want them? I mean, they're just some actor, you know.

Mary Stenberg and Ed Harris. Some dumb shit parroting lines that you concocted and you put into their stupid fucking mouths. And it's, yeah, it's very much the credit is shoveled onto the writer.

And I'm kind of going, no, don't talk to me about it. People are going, but it's your idea. Especially the writer. of a streaming movie. A streaming film, yeah, which obviously they, um, we kick the tires on a theatrical release,

which could have been cool, but, could have been cool, yeah, definitely. Something about the small screen. It fit the story. Were you thinking about the, you know,

how, uh, these images projected from the back of the room, like thp, thp, thp, thep, thep, thep, in rapid succession. Mm.

But then what if they were to be streamed? And, and that was so much of it is, I was so afraid that the spots in between the images, if they were projected that way, would be time for people to sort of wander off and lose track. Anytime I see a film in the theater now, in between all of those images, usually there's 24 per second. Got their own stuff going on. I'm zoning out. I'm like, oh, man, it's dark right now.

And Scott, it's it's an intimate film. It's an intimate story. And there's something so cozy about watching that at home. And comedy's better alone, I think. Don't you laugh more by yourself than in a big room full of people? Because you want to make sure that the neighbors can hear you so that they go like, oh, what's going on over that house? And then they come by and then... This is the fun house.

You want to be known as the fun house. Don't we all? So, yeah, no, obviously, for some movies theatricals good, I think. Sure, like, oh, Avengers Doomsday. Sure, I guess put it into the theaters. We might watch it that way. I'll give you that one. The Odyssey, yeah, maybe I'll go leave my house.

Parts of it. Parts of it better on the screen that's bigger. Yeah, I like to come late and leave early, definitely. But for this, for The Dink for Jurassic World, anything like that. Yeah, anything like that is a small screen. Yes, you're going to want to go on the TV. That's right. Now, the Dink is the movie.

And if we just run out of titles, what happened here? So, well, two things happened. Two things happened. This is exciting. Okay, how do you want to let us know what these things are? Do you want to say one than the other? I'd like you to imagine them. Okay.

Holy shit. Right? That's incredible. Pretty crazy. I can't believe it. Now, this is a movie about the sport of, of pickleball. Now, it seems like anytime a new sport happens,

some carpetbagger has to come in here and go like, oh, but what if there's a movie about it? What if there's a comedy movie about a guy who's like really good at it or whatever? Like this is what, or bad. Or bad. I'm guessing what the movie's about it. It's probably about a guy who's like,

it's probably an American sports comedy film about the sport of pickleball directed by Josh Greenbaum, written by Sean Clements, and produced by Ben Stiller and Jake Johnson. And it's probably about an aging tennis pro who must go against his instincts and play pickleball to save a local club. Something like that in the general area. Yeah, it's sort of not. It's sort of not that in some ways.

Oh, interesting. We need our Wikipedia Warriors to get out. I did start seeing it say that he's trying to save a club, which I don't think is true. I feel like that is a common sports movie thing. What's you trying to save? himself. Whoa. And aren't we all?

Wow. Okay. Now I'm interested. Yeah. That's your movie. Well, we've got to go do some reshoots, but I think there's time. I mean, it's true. It's already out.

I just plug it right in. Yeah. If they took the jeans off that person in the Mandalorian, they can, you know, fix your fucking movie, right? Talk about the jeans in the Mandalorian. Here's the thing. Okay. So the jeans in the Mandalorian.

You're telling me no one in Star, Wars time, ever wore jeans. It's more comfortable than the fucking whatever kimono or whatever they're all wearing, you know, all the time. Yeah, I'd rather wear jeans. Luke Skywalker's middy skirt. You know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean, Scott, and you're brave to say it. Yeah, you're telling me, Obi-Wan never, like, chilled in his cave and some sweats. Oh, they're going to come for you on this one,

but King, I got your back. Thank you. They got to go through me. That's right. My first line of defense. I want to see, Obi-Wan and a track suit. It was just a chain. But the dink is, of course, about a man trying to save a local club, and he resorts to pickleball. Are you a pickleball player yourself? Is that how you came up with his genius idea of taking a sport and then putting a comedy

star into it? Scott, you know what? First of all, you mentioned that I've done some other interviews. You're the first one to ask. All right. I love it. Yeah, I grew up as a... You grew up playing pickleball.

I grew up as a tennis player. And then I switched over to try and pick a ball. Sounds familiar? That doesn't. How about this? Play ball! That actually is... That one doesn't count because I didn't say play ball yet.

That is bringing me closer to where we're going. But I think I played tennis as a youth, and then I started playing pickleball as an adult. and there's a lot of animosity. So the day you got some hair on your balls, you're like, I'm segueing over to pickleball. Yeah, I was checking and checking. And then, point. Yeah. One just popped out.

Hello. Well, hello, friend. Wait, there's your movie. A talking pub? Yes. Come on. Marsub the pub. I'm in. I own half of this.

I need you to do all the work because I'm busy on tour. I don't think it's going to be that much work. Okay, great. So you started playing pickleball and you were like, this seems what? How is it different? Well, it was fun. For me, I had a little less self-loathing out there on the pickleball court. Were you a good tennis player?

I was pretty good when I was young. I was not nationally ranked. Okay. Locally, state ranked? My, yeah, I mean, I think state ranked. My high school team was the number one team in the state, and then I played doubles for them, and I think we were like the...

How high up does it go? Because I've heard, I've seen singles. I've heard of doubles. I haven't seen it. Do they do triples? Do they do like up to 10? Like 10 people on each side or anything like that? Of course you want to do triples.

Hey, come on, man. Just you and your doubles partner, and you go, Do you bring in a third? I told you about this in private, man. I knew we're best friends, but this is not cool. Okay, all right. I didn't know they were... I told you that I love three cents.

Boundaries. Yes. And just because I invited you to one and you said no. It doesn't mean that you can just say it on a podcast. Okay, well, I'm sorry. And obviously you're in control of the edit here. And I guess you can make it that I wanted a threesome. Okay, yeah.

Let's go, can we go back? I'm just talking to our producers here. Can we go back and make it sound like he wanted the threesome instead of me? Ask me how high it goes with tennis. Okay, how high does it go? You know, there's only doubles, but if I had my way, it'd be triples every time. We're going to go back and edit that in. Thank you.

I appreciate that. You're saving me with the woman upstairs, I got to admit. So you found it to be just more fun. Were you talking about God? Yeah. The woman upstairs? Yes, of course, yeah. Thank you.

God has got to be a woman, right? Please, yes. Can we just admit that? You know, on the seventh day, you rested? Yeah. Sounds like somebody I know. This is the worst this show's ever been. 17 years.

This is the absolute nadir. This is what I do. Yeah. So you liked pickleball and you were like, hmm, fade in. Yes, that's what I said. Well, you know, Scott, I had started. out playing with a group of friends and then a lot of them were not available to play what I wanted. So I started going to some of the open mixers and there's a bit of an eclectic community of pickleballers.

I don't know about these open mixers. You just go to what? A court or something? Yeah, you go out to the courts. I would go out to the like Roxbury courts in the middle of the day and you pay 20 bucks. You play with a bunch of strangers and they should pay you to play with strangers. You know what I mean? Well, and now they really should because now I'm the writer of the movie. the writer of the movie. They should be like, oh, oh, get your 20s out. Sean's coming. Well, and I'm hoping that'll happen. Obviously, the movie, but when this comes out, will have been released. But right now, I'm just kind of staying away from the court and then I show up, and if they don't pay me. Right, right. So they've made a powerful enemy.

Did you give any of these people that you based all these characters on writing credit, because they, I mean, they deserve it, right? They may. I mean, that's not really for me to decide. The WGA is going to have to arbitrate. Yeah. And so they will get in the weeds on that. I don't know all the technicalities. No, roll up their sleeves on that. Yeah, our guild is nothing, if not, very, very attentive to those kind of details.

Well, you know what? They pay attention to the right stuff. Exactly. And we're not talking about Tom Wolfe over here, if you know what I'm saying. You got it. He wrote the right stuff, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. It had to be. Bontfire of the vanities, right? Oh, so good. How do you go from that to that? You know what I mean? Much like you, you wrote a bunch of stuff before the dink, right? Didn't I, though?

And then suddenly you write the dink. It's like, wait a minute. Wait, how did he? I'm not writing this other thing. I'm writing this thing. And by the way, it's like I belong in a damn rubber room with a straight jacket on, Scott. Because it is, it's like there's so many voices up here. There's the dink voice.

But then there's also the other stuff that you mentioned. It's like I thought I was watching Shuttle. Island. I'm just looking into your brain right now. It's true. It's true. Um, but yeah, thank you for mentioning that that I wrote other stuff before. Yeah. I couldn't name anything. And I wouldn't want you to. Let's click on your Wikipedia entry, see if anything pops up. I guess most recently I wrote for the show Severance. Oh, really? No, you didn't. I did. Did you? Okay, you were an executive producer on Ghosted. Yes, well, that actually also started Adam Scott.

Yeah. How many episodes did that end up on our TV screens? How many episodes are ghosted? I believe they did 16. I think around 9 or 10, I was finished with the work that I was going to be doing on Ghosted. But I think they stuck around and took a crack at a few more. Interesting. So I can't take credit for all 16 of the episodes.

I mean, they have no severance listed on your Wikipedia pages. Do you think that's an omission? I do. And now I'm on a mission. That's right. Do you have Wikipedia privileges? I can't get on this thing. I don't know how to change anything on that.

I can't make heads or tails of the damn thing. It's like I've turned my computer every which way, upside down, right side up. It's like, I don't know how to do this. I mean, you know, you should make it easier, right? They should have a big button that says edit or something like that. They've got to introduce an edit button and, you know, and so does.

People, I'm going to get murdered for this. Yeah. Can't AI just do this for me? Can't AI just make our Wikipedia pages? Can they just do it for me? That should be job one. You know what I mean?

Like, oh, you're making funny little memes. No. Clear up our Wikipedia pages. It's time. Oh, it's finally time. Anyway, so you took what you learned on severance, and then you transferred it over to

the dink, and this is about an aging tennis pro who must go against his instincts and play pickleball to save a local club. Yeah, not so much save a local club, but yeah. What club are we talking to? We haven't gotten to the bottom of this. Is this like a tennis

club that he goes to, or what is this? There's a tennis club, yeah, there's a tennis club. And he has to save this thing. He's not really saving it necessarily. He likes to go to it, at least. He's working there Ed Harris is there He's his dad

He's his boss Okay Ed doesn't like pickleball He doesn't want pickleball To sort of take over more courts This is happening Scott Yeah This is happening all over

Right And so Yeah there's sort of a battle In between the tennis And pickleball players He thinks by doing pickleball at this club He can save the club Or what?

It's not saving it See that That word isn't totally accurate. Saving? Because you mentioned there is a club. There's a club for sure. And I guess... Ed Harris wants to stop the spread of pickleball.

So in a way... He's trying to save it from that. Right. So there is some club saving in the movie. Depending on whose perspective you see it from. Yeah. And that's why I really encourage people to watch this movie multiple times and pick a character every time who they're going to be.

P-O-B character. Okay, this is, okay, this time I'm this guy or gal. And I think that it'll be really rewarding. And then maybe they can send me an email. Yeah, what is your email address, by the way? Oh, it's, um, uh, Gumi turn the mustard green at minionsfrenches.com. Okay. Um, so I don't know if you know the, the minions and monsters.

I do know the minions and the monsters. There was, uh, an installation at the grove by Frenches. mustard where they were selling the green mustard that Gumi, who was created by the minions, had actually turned the mustard green. Oh, okay. I didn't know that the minions created Gumi. I believe the minions did create Gumi. So they're almost like the gods of the Minionverse?

Yeah. I don't know if it's what they were trying to do, but... Some sort of accent, which who knows if God in her infinite wisdom meant to create us, you know what she doesn't make mistakes, right? Yeah, right. She does, don't tell her about them. You'll be sleeping on the couch all week. Oh, boy.

But, but, uh, so anyway, I was so inspired by that that I did make it my email. Great. Um, that's so cool. How long have you had the email address? Week and a half. Yeah, a week and a half at this point. Yeah. And there's a, there was a big button that you could press there at the French's mustard display.

And someone would sort of scream from inside this box as if they were trapped and in peril in a way. It sounded like a child's voice. I guess it was probably either a minion monster in there. Yeah, probably a minioner monster. Yeah. But it was so impactful that I said if I could somehow. You've been getting a lot of emails at this place? What's a lot?

You know what I mean? I can't really gauge, like, I don't know how many emails you get. I'm sure it's... You know, I usually get between one and five emails a day, you know, somewhere around there. Okay, so not a lot then, I would say. Yeah, I mean, I think it's a lot. It's more than I can handle it. No, no, no, I'm thinking for me.

Oh, okay. How many are you getting? And less than one to five. Less than one? Yeah. Okay, you got, I mean, first of all, you got to tell people about the, I, you didn't even tell me. And we're best friends. Right here.

Right here. Right now. So I expect you're going to get, you know, between one and five emails this week. So looking forward to that. Yeah, that'll be fun, right? Reading material. Well, watching material is what I call the dink because it is out right now on Apple TV. If you have an extra $500 or show, just sign yourself up for this or get an iPhone or

do whatever you need to do to watch this movie. A lot of in-app opportunities to watch the movie. You go to anything in that whole Apple ecosystem. What do you suggest for a second screen experience while you're watching The Dink? And this is a question I really should have thought about before I came in here. I mean, I emailed it to you before.

You did. You said, I'm only going to have one question and you need an answer, please don't vamp. Yeah. And I remember thinking, wow, I'd really, better take this seriously and put my thinking cap on. And you're telling me you didn't actually... What I'm saying...

I didn't say that, Scott. I'm saying, but I really should have put some thought into it. Because what I don't want to do is sort of tread water and give this non-answer where I'm just talking about. Podcasting is about immediate responses and answering questions. Well, you don't want people to drift. You don't want them to change channels, right? You were talking today about tuning in to your podcatcher. The one drift I'll accept is it Tokyo drift?

Oh my gosh. Have you seen these? And speaking of which Perfect second screen experience Just watching Tokyo drift On your phone Tokyo drift on your phone While you have the dink on I guess your other phone

Or a tablet Whatever you're watching Maybe a watch Oh yes Hey I'm watching it I'm watching here Right Because it's a movie and that was a movie

And that's so nice That's so good Well the dink is out now We got Jake Johnson in this have Ben Stiller's in this. Ben Stiller, who you worked with on Severance, presumably, if you're telling the truth. I did, yeah. And he's in this movie. What does he play? Does he play an even older tennis? Oh, he's a doctor. He's a doctor. What does he do? He like looks at knees and shit like that or what? He's looking at, he's looking at somebody's wrist. They hurt their wrist.

Rist! That's fun. Did he do any sort of research for this role or? He must have. Did he like at least learn his lives? Private guy. Private guy, really. Doesn't talk about it. his process. But yeah, I think he must have been digging in, hitting the books on this one. Oh, yeah, he learned his lines. And he learned his lines. And he learned all this other stuff, too. What else did you learn? I don't know, but the whole time he was

talking to me, some of it wasn't his lines. So I go, this guy's not just limited to only knowing his lines. Mr. Bookworm over here. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. This guy's cool. We also have Chloe Fine and late of SNL, no longer on that. Just left, yeah. Just left. Christine

Taylor, of course. Pat and Oswald. Mm-hmm. Is in this. Friend of the program. Martin Cove, did you ever bring up his dancing with the star stint to him? Where he just kind of stood there

and his dancer danced around him. So I didn't, I didn't bring it up, but you could tell he was thinking about it. Yep, I bet he was. And then Mary Steenberg and Ed Harris. Then you have a bunch of cameos from people who have nothing to do.

Well, Aaron Chen is a very big role. Have you had him on the show yet? No, who's that? Oh, he's such a funny comedian, Scott. You would really love him. You should have it. He's Australian, I'm reading. He's Australian, and he's, he's excellent in the movie.

He's very, very funny. I got to get on the Chen train. You got to get up on the Chen train. Yeah. He's great. Well, I, you know, I said no actors from this film. I just want Sean. Yes.

And I was very respectful of that. Of course, they all wanted to join me. I bet. I just said, guys, he's my best fucking friend. So can you give us a little bit of space, please? Give us some space. We needed to do. spaced. I mean, because, you know, I've been on tour. I haven't gotten to see you as much.

I know, and you're leaving today. Am I allowed to say that? What do I'm like? Yeah, we're going to, going to Maryland town. And you just got back, didn't you sir? Well, I may see. I just got back from old London town. Fogs rolling in. I do believe Jack the Ripper might strike tonight. I hope not. Of course, if he does, that would be a bloody mess. Anyway, I'm there now. You just got back. We're like ships passing in the night.

There's so many different types of ships. There's battleships. There's ships that pass in the night. But there's no ships like friendships. And I think ours is one of the greatest. Sean Clements is here. The dink. We're going to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to have someone in publishing and an action hero. This is a great show. Are you glad you here? I kind of got really stuck on you saying this is the worst the show has ever been earlier. Just that point. And then suddenly, it rocketed it up. Something turned around.

Honestly, you knew that would light a fire under my ass. I started throwing heat. You brought it. You brought it. We're going to come right back with more, Sean, and we'll have an action hero and someone from publishing. We'll be right back with more comedy bang, bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang, Bang, we're back. Sean Clements is here.

The Dink is a new movie, and it's out right now, and it's been out for approximately three days at this point, and is rocketing up the Apple charts, I would imagine, and the streaming charts in general. Oh, I hope so. Oh, from your lips, Scott. Do you get any kind of residuals on this? Not to my knowledge. Yeah, it's an interesting. world out there. It's a little opaque the process of what happens

when you do a film for streaming, but I don't know about how that works. So the brand new Bentley that you drove up here, that has nothing to do with the dink, or that's just something that you got on your own time? Yeah, I found.

Really? Did you take it to the Lost and Found yet? So I'm going there right after this. Oh, good. But I was already running a little bit late. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so, you know, if no one claims it in 30 days, I think you can keep it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's the hope. And so I'm going to kind of stick it in the back of the Lost and Found a little bit.

You know what I mean? Maybe put some boxes in front of it so that hopefully even if someone comes sniffing around, it's not like right in their face. That's great. So the dink has nothing to do with the tuxedo you're wearing right now. By the way, white tuxedo, you dress for dinner. Yeah, well, you know, it's 11 in the morning. I've been doing intermittent fasting, and so by my eating schedule is extremely intermittent, dangerously intermittent. When's the last time you've eaten? Because I've heard about Ozempic face.

You've heard about this, right? Yeah, tell me about it. Yeah, it's where. You don't have to pick that up. Okay. It's where, you know, like people just have, you know, sunken hollow cheeks. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Was the Cryptkeeper on Ozempic? That's what I was asking. Well, what would be one of the puns that he makes about Ozzymink? Look, roller coaster. Is that something he would do? Sean is taking a coaster. He would make, honestly, Cryptkeeper would make that joke. He's rolling across the table, and he's saying roller coaster.

Maybe if a coach. I'm fucking dying. You can't hear it right now because I'm editing out the laughs. But we got to. Yeah, they got to hear the rest of the show. Yeah. But yeah, maybe this would roll, like, maybe a coaster would be covered in razor blades or something, and it would, like, roll up somebody's asshole or something. He looks like a real roller coaster.

Yeah, a bit of a roller coaster ride. Yeah. Yeah. It's not real. I mean, it's not perfect. Well, yeah, if they were riding on it. I mean, they weren't riding on it. I mean, they weren't riding on it.

Looks like that ass. Yeah. Just got ripped a new asshole. I don't know Who am I? The Cripkeeper? Honestly, people kind of think I look like him. Is that right? I view it as a compliment.

A huge... Huge celebrity. Yeah. Had their own TV show. They're doing something right. And by the way, show's been off. We're still talking about the Cripkeeper every day. Exactly.

So you want to call me the Crip Keeper? Yeah, I'll take it. Mm-hmm. Fine. Do you want to call me the cryptkeeper? You want to call me a crickieger? You want to call me a crickiever? You want to call me a creepkeeper?

Do you want to call me the cryptkeeper? Do you actually want to call me the cryptkeeper? I want to call you the cryptkeeper, Scott. I love that. Sean Clements is here. The dink out right now. And we have to get to our next guest. Let's do it.

She's in publishing. I believe we talked to her on the Comedy Bang Bang Tour. How many of the tour episodes have you? Have you been keeping up on them or Sean? I'm saving them. Yeah. For a rainy day? Yeah, because I've actually been feeling pretty good.

Yeah. I don't like to listen to him when that's going on. I know because it'll knock you down a few things. Well, it's, yes, it's too much. Yeah. And also you're like, oh, this is how podcasting is done? Okay. That, I think, would be very distressing to our audience if I were to learn how podcasting is done.

Well, she's in public. Please welcome Helga. Hello. Hi. How are you, Helga? Hello, Scott. Hello, son. Hi, hi, Helga. Nice to meet you.

Yeah, great to see you. Where did we, what city did we see each other in? I don't recall. Was it Washington, D.C.? I think it was Washington, D.C. Our nation's capital. Yes, big city. Very big city.

Not big enough, I think, to fit all the clowns. They need a bigger big top. Who's this? Sean? Well, a lot of clowns actually can just. jam into a tiny space, you know, kind of famously. That's a good point.

That's a good point. Shit. All right, so it's big enough. This is plenty big, plenty big for all the clowns. But basically, since then, I'm in different city now. Yeah, what's going on? I can't remember. You're not from Washington, D.C. Tell us about yourself again.

Just refresh. Yeah, so basically, this is a big city girl living a big city life, and I'm living in New York now. That's right. New York City, the publishing capital of the world. Yes. Although Marvel is leaving, coming to Burbank. Okay.

Yes. Yes. Okay, Scott, that's no big whoops, basically. If Marvel leaving, that's okay. I want to see spidey swinging from the tiny tunes tower. Oh my God, imagine. That's going to rule. Wolverine kills a minion.

Over a universe? Even? Move with a Burbank. Well, you don't think from Burbank, that's a pretty short trip. That's pretty short, but I mean, I don't know that he's going to go over there too often.

You know what I mean? He's going to be in Burbank. I'm just saying what I want to see. Okay. Which minion? The one with a one eye? Is it Goomy? Thank you so much for bringing up

Goomy. He turned mustard green. Yeah, you remember that? Yeah. Yeah. I love that movie. Oh, the Minions and Monsters movie? Yes, it's like basically talking about history of cinema.

Yeah. So cool. A love letter to the movies. It was a love letter. And it's sort of historical films, which children are so enamored by... Children love cinema history, don't they? It's, yes. It's actually so smart.

When they go see Zootopia 2 or whatever, they're like, ah, yes, the fine tradition of Lumiere. The children are cracking up at Buster Keaton. They love it. They love him. With the house falling around him, all that kind of stuff. Anyway, so you're in New York City now. That's fantastic.

Yeah, I'm basically a big city girl, just like on television, Scott. So I'm having brunch. What show specifically? So, Saxon City. Okay. Was that confusing or? I wasn't confused. Yeah, what it would?

I mean, there are other shows. set in New York City, right? I'm struggling to think of even one. Oh, the soprano, no, New Jersey. That's Jersey. Yeah, I don't know if... Oh, well, I'm gonna... Full house.

I'm thinking that San Francisco, my friend. Ding, ding, that's right, the trolley. Yeah, I guess the sopranos also with, like, guys in the big city, in a way. In a way. Cheers? Cheers is definitely New York adjacent. I think it counts.

You're seeing a lot of the city and cheers? When I'm watching Cheers, am I seeing a lot of the city? Those windows seem pretty dark. Can you imagine hanging out in the Cheers Bar like for more than an hour? You know what I mean? Like, let alone every day of your life. I love going out to a bar with the girls, all my girls, Stephanie, always dealing with problems with her guys.

Oh, yeah. But yeah, maybe. Where do you know Stephanie from? Oh, so I got, I went on Bumble Friends to, meet some friends. I don't know Bumble had a friend's app. Oh, cool. Because obviously, like, I'm not from the city. I'm from somewhere else.

That's right. Yes. We talked about this in Washington, D.C. on the Comedy Bang Bang Tour. You're from. Where did you say you were from again? So, basically, I'm from, like, Iceland, you know? Yeah. But on top of it, there's different kind of realm on top of

Iceland. So that's one is where I'm from. Okay. Because Scott, as you remember, I'm actually a fairy Oh, right, yes, yes, that's right. You're a fairy. But that part doesn't even matter because right now... Do you have a glamour on right now? Why do you appear to be human?

That's it. It's a glamour. Okay, great, yes. That's literally it's Scott. I'm having a glamour right now. It's that simple. It's so simple. What is your actual form?

Okay, fine. So you want to talk about that. Yeah, give us your dimensions. You know what I'm saying? I'm here to just have a bit... Wow. Okay, Bervert. know and leave nothing to the imagination.

So right now my dimensions is basically big city girl wearing a little skirt, pumps, and a beautiful handbag. And lubitons. Lubitons so that I can stomp around the city, go to my job in publishing where Susan is always on my ass. And then, of course, my true form is, yeah, basically a big wolf. Big wolf, yeah. How big, you know our human feet system that we measure things? human feet are disgusting, stinky, Scott. They're smelling bad. I mean, get some odor eaters on those things.

Yeah, jump into a pair of lubitants. But how tall are you normally? Yeah, so, Scott, I'm seven feet. You're seven feet tall. And you are seven feet tall right now, but you appear to be just... But right now it's like sexy seven feet. Yeah, right. Yeah.

So you, and you escaped from your father in a pan's labrines type of situation. This type of situation. Like, let's forget about all that. Because for me... That's less interesting to me than the... You're working and published. Yes. You know what I mean?

Thank you. What's on the slate? Like, forget about the realm stuff. For me, it's like, so yeah, basically I'm assistant right now. Because Susan, my boss is always on my ass. Everybody got to start somewhere, though. But something amazing happened at work. What's been going on?

Because last time we talked, Susan was always on your ass. Yes. something's changed? So, no. But something so funny is happening. It's almost like television show. Susan is ordering soup for work. I like the area.

For work? For work for her lunch break. Oh, I see. Because basically, this is amazing thing. We're working through lunch. Oh, I see. Yeah. Sometimes you have to do that if you're working in a big,

high-pressure jobs. Yeah, it's true. You ever do that on the dink or you, you just take like the whole day off? It's interesting, and my career as a writer, Scott, they're all working lunches. Yeah, because the ideas don't stop. The boss does not give me the day off and I'm pointing, of course, at my brain. That's right. Who you call Bruce Springsteen. That's exactly right. Oh, you know what is also my dream to do work from a restaurant? I see writers doing it. Yeah. A lot of people at this restaurant, Twin Peaks, have laptops in front of them in order to look like they're just there on business. Their restaurant Twin Peaks. Yes, there's a restaurant Twin Peaks that you should check out.

Scott, I don't know what you're saying to me. It's a classier hooters, according to one friend of mine. Wow. Okay. So Scott is being a pervert again. Yeah, he asks for the dimensions and then he's immediately brought up Twin Peaks. Wow. But that's like a question. just basically part of being a girl in the city in dealing with men. Yeah, I need to watch a movie to, you know, where a guy like what women want or something like that,

where a guy like reads the minds of women so I can figure out, you know, what I'm doing wrong, because I think I just can't stop insulting women. And this movie is on your mind because it's coming up yesterday. I don't know. But now, so what happened when this soup was delivered? Yeah, so, oh my God, Scott, so funny. basically Susan opening the soup and there's hair in the soup this kind of thing would never happen in my realm

because of course we are at war for millennia and there's also a kind of assassin being sent coming to kill me I'm having to fight back oh I hate that I even brought any of that up oh yeah I mean that's the realm yeah but get back to the soup yeah did she eat the hair or no no good question she opened in the soup She's seeing the hair

And then she's angry at the hair Then she's gonna call the soup place to say This is not acceptable They don't do delivery though So I'm having to go get back to soup Okay It's so funny Scott This kind of thing that can happen

It's very I mean it's it's very humorous Can I ask you You're not laughing though You're saying again I'm editing it out Saying it's very humorous But Yeah But

Did the hair come from you? Because, you know, I know you have this glamour on to appear humor, but you are just a big wolf. Did the hair come from your body or? The hair maybe came from my body, but of course, Scott, I'm doing laser hair removal every day because you're the wolf form. And who's doing the laser hair removal if you're appearing as a human to the hazer? To the hazer.

Yeah. End of sentence. To the hazer. That was your nickname at your frat. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, he's not letting anybody off light, you know? Yeah.

That was hilarious. Oh, thank you for saying that, Hugga. I am still curious, even as an assistant, what is the publishing house working on? Because that's a world I don't know anything about. That's what we want to know is like, what's coming out in the fall? What can I look forward to?

Oh, yeah, you would like to know that. Yeah. But actually, that's secret. Tim Allen have another book. coming out? Remember his book? And I've got my little fork and knife. I'm rubbing together. And I'm imagining digging into a new Tim Allen book. I would love that.

Yes, he's doing a new book. He's doing a new book. Yeah, this one's going to be... Actually, Scott, this one's going to be all about his scandal that he had. Oh, which one? With the cocaine. Oh, yeah, when he snitched on all of the other dealers and everything, yeah. Is that what the first book was about?

He's ready to actually talk about it now. I don't know that the first book was about that as much as It was just a transcription of his stand-up. So he's getting into it. He's getting into... He's being brave. He's getting into it. I love that.

And as a big city girl, I have to say, it's really cool to be working in this kind of environment. So electric publishing, fast-moving. You do any cocaine or anything like that in New York? That's a big part of the scene out there. Sure, yeah, the city, yeah. So I did try a little bit of cocaine. Turns out it actually isn't really working well with my... original form. Oh, with your

your physiology. You're a giant wolf on cocaine. Yeah. Yeah. You ever see that cocaine bear movie? Have you seen cocaine bear? Offensive. Cocaine bear was offensive? Yeah. I think you know why. Ah. You think we do.

You really think we know why. And yet, I don't know that we do know why. I'm feeling like I don't know why. Yeah. If I told why I might go, okay. Yeah, I can see that, but I do believe that you may need to bring it to our attention.

Scott, I don't even know what number strike you're on. But. Look, I mean, in pickleball, how many strikes are there in pickleball? Oh, that's not a part of the game. No, there's not strike and then you're out. Why does baseball get to have a monopoly on strikes? Bowling. Oh, bowling.

I retract my question. But you know what? You get three strikes in bowling here. You're doing pretty well. It's a turkey, in fact. Yeah. But if they're in a row. But in baseball, but in baseball, but in baseball, but in baseball, baseball, you get three strikes sequentially.

Or I guess within one at bat, then you're out of the game. Not out of the game. Like, you get to still play. Your at bat has ended. Yes. You're not your turn anymore. No. If that happens, it's not your turn anymore.

And the manager could say like, all right, hit the showers or whatever. but they could yeah does imagine legally can he make you shower I believe so I believe they have dominion over your that's the one job where hygiene where the person above you can make you shower isn't that weird

you know Scott English is not my first language but sometimes I think I'm doing okay with it but then I listen to you guys talking I have no idea what the heck you're saying these guys Susan came over to you and said, like, hey, go get in the shower right now. Like, she wouldn't be able to do that.

That would be an HR violation, right? Susan would totally do something like this. This woman is on my ass. But basically, to answer your question, Scott, if I'm doing cocaine, I'm bending by accident the fabric of reality. Oh. And so it's kind of doing a thing where all the ladies in the room, they're going to have their period for two months. Oh, no. That's too long.

Yeah. For me. Oh, okay. That is now That is another strike. That's another one, but hey, bowling rules. I'm doing pretty well. The strikes are actually good.

Yep. Yeah, he's knocking pins down. So, yeah, what other books do we have coming out? So, yeah, as we said. What about summer 2027? What can we look forward to for our summer reads? Oh, I'm on the beach and I've got blank book in my hands.

I don't understand. So then when I gesture to you, you fill in with the name of the book that would be coming out. Sorry, so you're wanting a book that's totally empty and blank? No, that's not what I meant. No, that's not what I meant. Helga, it's not what he meant. Sorry, I think I've actually been really cool through a lot of this interview. Sorry, just to say it, I feel like I've actually been extremely cool.

No, you've been gracious to the extreme. But there is a limit, actually. where I do have to push back. Yeah. No, that's not what I bet. Do you guys are seriously reminding me of my dad? Oh, is this why you escaped your realm? You have an overbearing father, like a little mermaid or whatever?

I mean, first and foremost, I escaped my realm to watch television with the girls have brunch. Be a big shitty girl. So there is no television in your realm. You escaped to watch a television. But then also to get away from my mean dad. Right. Because he's basically the fairy king of the realm. Yeah.

He has us engaged in warfare for many millennia. Yeah. How old do you, does your, is it okay to call you a race or I don't know what you are, but. Oh, you know what I'm saying? And ethnicity? Yeah. What's the most? What do I call you?

And this is not the first time I'm coming into a room and people are saying, what's your ethnicity? Because you can't quite place you. You look kind of vaguely ethnic. We don't know. But how old do you people? Is that a better way to say it? How old do you? I like that one, Scott.

That one's good, Scott. What's your average age where you die? We don't know yet. You're immortal. Well, people are dying because of the battles, but no one has yet died of natural cause. Okay. I mean, some would say that there are no natural causes. Number one cause of death in the realm, it's murder.

The only cause of death. Number one and only. What about drowning? No one drowns? Is that not murder? I mean, I guess it's nature. By the sea, yes. Yeah.

Okay, so here it is. No one's drowning by accident. They're not stupid, Scott. Oh, okay. But if someone's drowning them, then that's going to be a murder. Do you have, like, ferry buses or anything? Wow, okay, so you don't even want to hear about stuff that New York City is having. But you want to hear about this realm?

I mean, we asked you about these fucking books that are coming out in the summer. Yeah, you were very evasive about the books, and I just can't stop thinking about all the people who've lost. a loved one to a drowning now that are going to have to be listening to this episode. Yeah, the concept that only stupidity can cause that. We'll put a disclaimer on that. Do I need to walk that back a little bit? I appreciate it.

Okay, so, and then you're going to edit this one in because of the producers? Make like Michael Jackson and do a little backwards moonwalk here. Okay. I think the only tragic accident can affect anybody and really can hurt lots of people.

Could happen to anybody. Could happen to anybody. Just not the fairies though. Not us necessarily. So yeah, basically, and in this realm it's like things are beautiful, Scott. Yeah. But not as beautiful as going to Times Square. I mean, yeah, do you have a bunch of like billboards in the realm where you come from? No. I wish. I'm wishing that I could go. They got Bubba Gump's? They don't have Baba Gump. Yeah. What do you eat at Bubba Gump? Sean. Now, I'm going to feel like a cliche. I get the shrimp. Sean, that's not cliche. That's good. Thank you. Because I was really kind of judging myself there. I go in and I order the life and they go, they look at me and they're like, what? I'm like, uh, the box of chocolates, please. They go, you only want dessert? I'm like, yeah. Scott,

and that's hilarious. That's so funny, man. It's so funny. And I, and I admit it when I'm there. I'm like, I get it. I'm funny. So where's Bubba Gump getting all these ideas? That's the thing. Where does Bumba Gump get all his ideas? That is, that's the thing that the movie failed to answer. I'm sorry, movie? Oh, my gosh. You have to watch Bubba Gump. There's a movie called Bubba Gump. Yeah, you got to watch it. Bubba Gump was this great movie. It's about a guy who's

friends with a feather, right? Something like that. He's looking for it. I mean, he definitely is around. He's feathered. adjacent. There's a feather. So this is on television and I can watch that. All the best movies are on television. Let me just say that. I would imagine you turn on any TV, anywhere in the world. Bubba Gump will be playing

somewhere on one of the channels. Who's starting? That's a tough one. Team Allen, I hope. I like that guy. Well, Tim Allen's buddy. Woody. Allen. Allen. Alan, yes.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you know? I love you. I love you. I'm not a smart man. But I do know what love is. This is good. I want to see this.

Speaking of, Doug. Excuse me, Claude. Make the full movie of Bubba Gump starring Woody Allen for me. Go. Oh, speaking of love. I'm just going to take all my tokens for the month.

And get me directions to Twitter. Quinn peaks, Claude. Got some writing to do. Well, Helga, I gotta say, this is good stuff that's going on with you. You got this soup business where your hair got in the soup. Yes, but, you know, I'm still not quite happy, Scott. I'm so sorry. I mean, you got friends?

That's the thing. Material goods and possessions. We think they'll make us happy. And they do. Oh, God, yeah. You know? Well, it's nothing if you don't have love in your life. Do you not have, I mean, you're not seeing anyone?

What about the love of material possessions? Yeah, what about that? Is that your main love in your life? Go ask his Bentley. He just drove up in. Yeah. No, these, I'm trying to do these freaking apps, Scott, but they're not fun at all. Can you, and don't take this the wrong way?

Can you have sex? Like, you know what I'm saying? Okay. Right now, that's what I'm asking. And now that's strike three. You are out, pervert. I wish more umpires would say it like that. Go to show a O'Hawati and be like, you are out pervert.

See how he takes it and just see how, who calls these games usually? Marv Albert? I don't know. I think it's, you know what I mean? I think it's Marv again. Marv took a break a little while from calling the Dodgers games. But have him be all confused. like, I wonder why he's being called a pervert.

This umpire must know something that we don't know. So yeah. Couldn't be me. Yes. I'm not the pervert now. Remember when he was a pervert? Back in the 90s. Oh, I sure do.

Yeah. Well, Helga, I'm sorry. We can't help you with your love life. With the apps. Sean, do you have your wife have any friends that's looking for, or I don't know. I don't know what you're into exactly. Or you're into humans, I guess. Yeah, I guess you have sort of a type, someone that you're looking for,

and perhaps I could introduce you to someone. Oh, I'd love it if they're nice living in the big city, having big city job. And if they're comfortable with basically so I'm having my genitals are barbs. Oh, okay. So if they can be comfortable or something like that. Yeah. I mean, the only barbs I like are barb and star goes to Visa Del Mar. Directed by Josh Greenbaum, director of the day.

Yes, that's right. So I don't know that I, I mean, yeah, that might be a little tough on a human penis, but, you know. They don't know it till they try it, though. A lid for every pot, as my grandmother used to say. I'm certain someone will want. There's got barbs on their human penis. Well, we'll, I mean, we'll put our heads together right on this. Why not?

We're best friends. Yeah. You'll talk to your. your wife. Yeah, I guess we're assuming my wife will be the one who knows someone. Come on, you don't know any people. That's true. No, it's, it's very fair. Well, Helga, this is good stuff. Can you stick around? We need to take a break. Yes, I'd love to. Okay. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have more with Helga. But more importantly, we're going to have an action hero. This is so exciting. And we have more from the

writer of the dink. Sean Clements is here. all of this and more. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. Sean Clements is here

of the Dink fame. And do they give Oscars for movies like yours? Or do they, is it Emmys? What exactly are you submitting for? It's like, I guess I'm submitting that

maybe art shouldn't be a competition. Okay. That's actually not where the value is that it's really just about trying to show humanity something about itself. That's right. What it would look like if somebody fell down on a pickleball court or... Yeah. Because you don't want to be like...

It's like how can you compare your movie The Dink to something like the Many Saints of Newark? You know what I mean? You know? It's such a great question. And it's something we talked about all the time on set. Yeah. You know, is like, look, people are going to try to compare us to the Many Saints of Newark. Mm-hmm.

Because that's a streaming movie. We're a streaming movie. Mm-hmm. and they're going to want to have that conversation. And all we can do is just show up and do our job, which is to show humanity. That's right. What it might be like if someone played pickleball?

What if someone's balls got twisted up in the net? I'm assuming that's a joke in there. You know, again, we're looking at doing some reshoots probably anyway. And so you having that idea right now, by the way, this is where I guess I should have invited Scott to be on set. I guess. I was, you know, speaking of twisted, this guy's mind, he comes up with some of the craziest comedy stuff.

Let's just say there was a big hole in my schedule that I expected to be filled with hanging around my good buddy, Sean, on set. I'm sorry. And I've done myself. Every day I would cross off a day on my calendar and say like tomorrow he'll call. Tomorrow he'll call.

You know what? I said, if I show him how funny Scott is, no one's going to listen to me anymore. I understand. I did have to keep it separate. Got it. All right, well, the dink is out right now.

We also have Helga here, who's in publishing. Hello. Hello. And you've been getting a lot of texts on your phone. I'm absolutely blowing up, Scott. Yeah, what's going on? Is that Susan? Does she just let you out of work to come to L.A. to be on this show?

Yes, I just checked my phone. It's freaking Susan on my ass again. Oh, I'm so sorry. She want you back there? Yeah, she's pissed about the soon. soup. She's still pissed? Oh wait.

It's still the soup going on. So you returned the soup and then got on a plane to Los Angeles and didn't bring back her soup? Well, I'm going to. I'm going to get it from heroin, then go back. I mean, she wouldn't mind the air one. Was the first soup from heroin? Yeah.

I'm having to do flying all the way back. But I don't mind it because that's how you meet people on flights. Really? You've met people on flights? I have new friends. All my new girlfriends did we go brunch with? Those are from flights. Oh, okay.

Yeah, that's a good. I mean, that's a good. Maybe you'll meet someone that you want to have barbed sex with on a flight or something like that. Please don't call it that. Thank you. I apologize. I apologize to you. I apologize to Sean.

Barbed intercourse. There we go. Much better. Just classier. Just classier. Yeah, it's, you know. Thank you, Sean. Thank you, Sean.

No problem. Well, guys, we got to get to our next guest. He's been very patient. He's entering the Two-Timers Club, I believe. he's an action hero please welcome back to the show Duke Newcomb people keep asking if I'm back and I've never really had an answer but yeah

I'm thinking I'm back hey Duke how are you you are back Scott thanks for having me I'm actually really really concerned about what I've been hearing oh whoa I'm sorry what have you been hearing what's going on I've been hearing talking of streaming and the only thing I stream is piss out of my

cock oh so you're concerned about this yeah why is that concerning for you That's one of many things I'm quite concerned with. So wait, if other people stream piss out of their... Do what you want, I guess, but I only stream piss. So wait, you've heard... Say people were just talking about their own piss.

You're concerned about this? What if we had been talking about us streaming piss out of our cock? I would hope you're streaming piss out of your cock, not my piss out of yours. What if I... But what would be so wrong with that? That's mine. You can't have it, Scott. Leave my piss alone.

You're just streaming it into the toilet or into a tree or something. Say we come by your house. We pick. up all of the piss out of your toilet. If I find out you're pissing my piss, Scott, I'm going to be so fucking mad. Oh, if you don't need that piss, I can also take that. I'm not doing it anymore. I'll never piss again.

Does your race eat piss? Yeah, we're eating piss. You guys are eating piss there in the realm. Well, it's actually, we're not getting it there, so it's a treat for me here. Oh, great. Oh, yeah. Not as much piss in the realm, huh? Do you have waste in the realm, or do you eat the exact right amount and drink the exact right amount?

Perfect machines. I heard talk of Goomy as well, and I had something I wanted to clarify. Oh, what's going on, Duke? Go ahead. The minion summoned him from a magical book. Okay, yeah. Oh, wait, so he was in another dimension, as the BCPois said. That's all you, that's another dimension.

No, he's saying like, Gumi is not a minion. He's got sad. Gumi is not a minion. He wasn't, no, no one ever implied that Gumi was a minion. You said it. You said it. I said the minions made Gumi. You were saying they created him.

They didn't create him. They summoned him from a magical book. So he, he's mad. Gumi is magic. Did he exist before the book? That's all the information I have. Well, well, then you're not actually issuing a correction, are you? I have a partial correction.

Sorry. You don't. You have an opinion is what you have. You have incomplete information. If what they did was summon him from another dimension where he was existing and he crossed over to their plane, then yes, he was not created by them. but if they summoned him out of a book where there was some sort of incantation or even some potion that they made up prior to then they actually are creating something that was not there before say i have a uh a betty crocker recipe book thank you are you saying i'm summoning the

chili i make from this book no i'm just reading the fucking book out loud at the at top volume you read the betty crocker book really loud and then the chili's there i've never been spoken to this way in my life i'm utterly humiliated. You're mortified right now. You're mortified. You're plushed. I'm so pissed. But I'm not doing it anymore.

I'll never piss again. Oh no, no, no, no, Duke, Duke, you gotta keep screaming. My balls are gonna fill like a water balloon. No, Duke, please keep streaming. We don't mean to get in the way of it. No, that's it. I won't do it. Fine.

You don't summon chili from... You think I'm some fucking idiot? I don't know what kind of idiot. Also, I do think of cooking as a bit of alchemy. It's a bit of magic if you think about it. Honestly, the fact that we have recipe books, I mean, do you publish a lot of recipe books, Helga? Yes, but I don't even have time to cook. No big shitty girl does.

Yeah. But, I mean, the fact that we have recipe books is some sort of mystical miracle as far as I'm concerned. It's passing down ancient traditions. You guys don't understand magic at all. Oh, what is magic? What? What is magic? I'm, okay.

Sounding like my dad again, big time. Don't get me starting on dad stuff. Oh, do you have a dad? I had a dad. Duke. What was his name? His name was Duke. Oh, are you Duke the second? I'm Duke the third.

You're Duke the third. Yeah. Wow. He blew out my candles on my birthday and said, too slow, pussy. This guy sounds cool, actually. That's pretty good bit. He's pretty good. Yeah.

I loved him more than any guy in the world. He's not with us any. longer? No, we fought to the death. Oh. And you won? I lost. Wait, but he did by my best friend. Yeah. Sometimes when you win, you actually lose.

Whoever wins we lose. That's right. So, anyway, so those are your two corrections you wanted to add? Thanks for coming by, Duke. It was really good to see you, Duke. I'm just, I also heard about something. I think it's called cyclosporus. Oh, yeah.

Okay, right. Diary disease. The diarrhea parasite, I think they might be an alien from another planet. And I hate aliens. Oh, that's right. That's part of your thing, right? Don't you kill aliens? It's mostly my main thing.

I kill aliens. And so you think this alien parasite, you're here to kill cyclosporia? You're not going to catch me with explosive diarrhea. I'm going to seal my asshole shut. So you're still going to have the symptoms of explosive diarrhea, but... It won't be. It won't come out. Nice truck.

the only time you stream is piss out of your... And it won't be diarrhea from my ass. Yeah. Okay. I don't think... I mean, that's, you know, not solving the problem. That's just kind of doing it temporary. Don't make me any more comfortable.

In fact, it's distressing. Yeah. I would... Honestly, if you came to my house, knocked on the door and said, you have two choices. I can either go diarrhea in your toilet right now. Or I can plug up my asshole. Seal my ass, yeah.

And then walk around your house. I would... Having the... Having the diarrhea. Yeah. We heard what you want. want to do with my piss. I hate to think about what you do with my diarrhea. That's a good point. Yeah, that's fair, I guess. I just also, it doesn't make me like really excited about you sealing your

asshole shut when you have, you know, something that needs to be expressed. Yeah. Honestly, the third choice is you having diarrhea at home and never even coming to my house. That's what I would choose. If I had diarrhea at home, I would never tell anybody about it. I'm never going to be like, hey, I had diarrhea earlier. That's fine. Like, that's totally. That's totally. totally fine. I don't think I don't need you to call us up or anything. And I'm not going to ask. So it's not going to come up. But honestly, now it's all I can think about. Have you ever had diarrhea? I don't have time to have diary. I'm too busy macon chicks. Okay. All right. Yeah. So you've never had, you've never been sexually intimate with a woman and then said, uh-oh, something's going on down there and had diarrhea in the bathroom.

You think I have time to have diarrhea in the middle? What's going on, Helga? In the course. I'm just dealing with the ramification of what you're just saying. It happens. Gump happens. Shit happens is what they say in Bubba Gump, but we have to censor it. They say shit happens in a restaurant? Yeah, and Bubba Gump.

In fact, the waiters are encouraged to say that at least once per customer, and if they don't, they get in trouble. I got to be honest. I don't like that at all. Well, that is absolutely disgusting. I appreciate your honesty, Duke Nukum. Yeah.

Thank you very much. I may not agree with you. I may not agree with you 100% of the time, but I appreciate that you just, you're honest. I will fight to the death for your right to say it. We don't always have to agree. We could just be people with differing opinions. That's actually what makes this nation, nay, this podcast so beautiful. Thank you.

It's all the different perspectives. All the different perspectives. That's right. Duke, where are you meeting people? Are you on apps or? I'm not on the apps. They find me. I mean, Helga

This guy's talking about Mackin on chicks all the time It's my number one favorite thing that I do He's willing to seal his asshole shut So the idea of him wanting to engage in Intercourse with some form of barbs It doesn't seem totally outside the realm of possibility Yeah, he's into body modification of some sort of

Exactly, yeah High pain tolerance of course Yeah, so I mean Oh my God, you guys, I'm blessing This is not how this flirting is supposed to be happening. It's supposed to be at the bar over martinis and Cosmos. Then he slipped me his number or something like that, okay? I love a Cosmo.

You do. Oh, my God. I mean, am I the only one singmus? My favorite colored liquid to drink is blue. Cosmo is red. Then I like the blue ones. So you like a color. When you go up to a bar, you order.

Can I have a Cosmo and put some? some blue food color. Get some blue in that bitch. And I know it starts as red, so how do we turn it blue? Take the red out. Get it out of there. Get some clear cranberry juice. Put that thing in a damn... What's that thing where you can... you mix around your blood?

To be honest, Duke, I don't know. Oh, Duke, yes. They're using it for facials. Yes. Yes. That. Get me one of those. Get the... Spin the red out. Put blue in. It's going to kill me the name of the machine that mixes your blood.

It's a centrifuge. Get that. Get me one of those. We all knew sort of what I was talking about. Yeah, it's like that ride at Magic Mountain. It's kind of like that ride at Magic Mountain. Colossus. Not that one necessarily, but that's a good one.

Superman? There's a magic mountain. There is a, oh, yeah, well, not the kind of magic you're thinking of. It's basically a magic where it'll transport you at speeds of 75, 80 miles per hour. It's transporting. it's Magic Mountain, you get transported to what, like a realm? A realm of fun and activity.

Yeah, yeah. Is there a song that's going with this place? Yeah, it's the hamster dance song. Can I hear it? Do do, do, do do do do do do do. There's an old man that does the dance. I don't think he's really old, by the way. I've been checking those commercials out.

What did you just say, Scott? I've been looking through them like the Zapruder film. And I'm telling you this is a young guy dressed up like an old guy and doing young guy dances but looking like he's old. Be very careful, Scott. You think I'm saying too much? I think if you bust this thing wide open live on the podcast. Might be the last episode you ever do.

Uh-oh. Okay, no, he's old. He's an old guy. He's an old guy who's as limber as a young man. That's right, sure. It's like, it's... Sprye for his age. And there's no Irishman, reverse Irishman technology going on where they make him

look old, but he has a young body or anything like that. I thought you were going to say reverse Irishman and that it undoes you being Irish. Oh, no. I guess a reverse Irishman would be man Irish. Makes you Italian. It makes you Italian. I have the reverse Irishman beam. It makes you Italian.

Oh, Solo Mio. Is this the kind of stuff that people want to hear on this podcast? They want to hear of Solo Mio. I'm kind of a solo meo right now Well you don't have to be my man I'm telling you Helga's over here There is some real magic happening You told me earlier I don't know anything about magic

Well I know when I see it and it's right here at this table That's right That's funny Magic is contract between us and the forces of nature So it's not that But I like this guy When you say things like that All I hear is the sounds of birds

That's good right I mean, some birds are really annoying Some birds, though I mean, look, we all love a parakeet Oh, God, that's what I'm hearing And it's saying funny words Great Good, well, I think, I mean, you know, I may have flunked out

A science class, but I'm seeing some chemistry here How would you know it if you flunked out by sight alone? Well, I mean, I basically flunked Because I didn't show up to a lot of the class You know, but I paid attention It was an attendance issue, but he actually knew everything that was there at home reading the books. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm the opposite. I was there, but I passed at my teacher's discretion. Duke, how are you killing aliens? Oh, well,

with guns and bullets, of course, but also my big old muscles, my big, strong muscles. Are you saying you flex a muscle and it... I may be around the neck of an alien and I pop it like a goddamn balloon.

How many are you actually suffocating to death as opposed to just shooting? Mm-hmm. Ones that get up close and personal, when I run out of bullets and they're running at me, like, I'm going to kill you. I grab one in a headlock and I popped their head like a balloon. Oh, yeah? Like a watermelon. Like I'm Gallagher.

Cool. I mean, he didn't. Or Gallagher, too. Neither of them grabbed the watermelon. Yeah, nobody, they were never squeezing the watermelon inside their giant. I was just, I was just related to water. It would be interesting. I'm buying tickets to that.

It would be interesting. Yeah, that would have been good. I don't know if it, look, might have been funny. Might not have been funny. I don't know if I'd be impressed by the physical feet. Yeah. So you're unlike Gallagher is what you're trying to say? I guess if I'm thinking about it in my heart of hearts, I'm nothing like Gallagher at all.

We just have one thing in common. We like to smash watermelons. So you like to smash it. Okay, so it's just you said the alien explodes like a watermelon. But then you actually like to take out a mallet and smash watermelon? It's the only way I can get the damn thing open. They're hard as hell. Oh, okay.

So it's just a practical thing too. You like doing it. I like to eat the watermelon, so I have to smash it. So the act of smashing it you don't care for or you could do without. It's just a practical necessity. It's just a means to an end. I got to get you a big knife. I don't use knives.

Knives are for babies. Why don't you just shoot the water mill? I disagree with that. I'm sorry. Just if this is being a little bit of you. I strongly disagree with the idea of that. If you're a new parent out there, don't give your babies knife. Neither are not for babies.

I haven't had a knife since I was one years old. Well, Duke, any aliens we should be watching us. for? Have you seen Disclosure Day? Yeah. I don't like that one that much. Yeah, me either, but do we got to watch out for them or what? I think they seemed fine. We kind of were giving them the business. They didn't seem like they were putting that much of a fight up.

Yeah. But at E.T. I've been talking to E.T. recently. Really? What's E.T. been up to? Well, you know, none of these home, all he wants to do is talk to anybody else. That's the thing. The grass is always green. Wherever you go, there you are. Yeah, I bet he's like, feel that for. From E.T. He's at his place going like, um, phone earth.

Right. Is my buddy Elliot there? I heard something really sad about Elliot. What? Stephen Spielberg said that he thought of E.T. every day for the rest of his life. That's brutal. Stephen Spielberg thought of E.T. every day for the rest of his life? Spielberg said, Elliot thought of E.T. every day for the rest of his life?

The character, Elliot? Yeah. The actor, Henry Thomas. Oh, I guess the kid. the boy. Because honestly, it's pretty sad if Henry Thomas thinks of E.T. Every single day of his life.

I bet there are some days he wakes up and goes like, oh yeah, I was in D. I was in E.T. That's fucking crazy. I was in E.T. Yeah. And also, like,

do something else. Spielberg, like he's telling Spielberg this. I would love to see a sequel to E.T. Hey, man, still thinking about it. Maybe F.T or G. Whatever. Probably FT. Where it's Elliot thinking about E.T.

And he's kind of sad. Yeah. Yeah, it could be called G-T and it's just he's drinking a gin and Tom. To try to forget. That'd be cool. He's writing in his notebook, Elliot E.T. Signing it and cursive to see what his last name would look like. You think his last name is E.T?

He would take the name E.T. Or tea, I guess. Maybe Elliot T. Elliot T. All right. What do you think about low tea? Never heard of such a thing. Couldn't know it if I tried.

Yeah. My sperms are like what's inside of oysters. Helga, what do you think about that? Well, I'm liking high tea. Yeah. The lady's going to high tea. Oh, yeah. Sitting together, eating little sandwiches. A cucumber sandwich?

Yes. How delectable. You guys have a lot in common. I got to say. Duke, I mean, you're a very, you're a huge jacked individual. That's right. But your interest... I'm bursting out of my shirt.

Yeah, your interests seem to be on the feminine side, which is nice. I like a little bit of everything, you know. I've read Tim Allen's book. He's, on the cover of the book, I believe he's holding an Adam. Whose book? Tim Allen. Oh, Tim Allen. What was the name of that book?

I wish I had it for the life of me, but I remember the picture very well. He's holding an Adam. Oh, wow. Sort of a pre-Big Bang Theory nod to that. Are we talking, don't stand too close to a naked man or I'm not really here? I think it's, I'm not really here. And he has an atom or some sort of particle in his hand. Yeah.

He shouldn't be holding. I'm looking at it. It looks to be like one of those comical bombs. I hate to double back on this. Your spirms are what's inside of an oyster? Isn't that an oyster? I guess I think of the shell as part of it too. Are you not, is the skeleton not part of man?

He's got you there, buddy. If I were to lose. I wish it wasn't. So scary. I get so scared every time I get an x-ray. Where'd my dick go? I only get things. them on October 31st and it is frightening.

You get an x-ray on Halloween? Every year. At least you know it's going to be a scary day. Yeah, it may as well. I may as well, yeah. Yeah, lean in. And the cobwebs in there too? You got cobwebs in there?

Oh, yeah. Wait, you guys don't have cobwebs in your bodies? Oh, I think you're just old as hell. Hey, I'm 29. That's, oh, excuse me, you're going to well, my man. Look, if you guys want to get together, I mean, I don't know, how do you like to be wooed Helga. So I already said it if anyone was even listening.

Oh, I don't know. I heard it, yeah. Yeah. You didn't like it, though. Yeah, it was fine. You know, I just feel like maybe we take two. Here we go, ready? Reset.

Camera and action. So we're at the bar and there's cosmopolitans, maybe even martini's gin style. And then there's a guy wearing a suit because he's having big, big city job. Summer in the city. Oh, my gosh. It's heating up now. So basically we're locking ice across the bar and then maybe he's coming over, giving me a number. Can I ask, does the guy have to wear a suit?

I mean, Duke, are you willing to wear a suit? You're wearing what a... I'll try to put one on, but there's no guarantee it'll stay on with my big bulging biceps. Well, then what's actually... We've got one that's the right size. Yeah, and then also why are you doing for work and also who's paying you? Yeah, you want him to give you his number? I'm surprised that you don't want him to ask for your number.

That's a good idea. So yes. I feel pretty good. Yeah. That's like on television. Oh my God, yes. So he's coming over asking me for my number. Just like Miranda Carey, Samantha, all my girls.

I do have a pretty big, fancy job. It's protecting the earth. but specifically America. And who pays you for this? Yes, what? Who's on the paycheck? Nobody has to pay me. I do it out of the kindness of my heart.

Okay, where do you buy your bullets? How do you, you know? I make them. And how are you paying rent or do you own? I don't, well, I do sort of a Pete Holmes crashing situation. Oh, funny. Oh, that sounds like it's like going to lead you into all kinds of hilarious.

You just never know whose couch I'm going to leave 12 episodes. Oh, my God. Minimum. I've been staying with a lot of interesting people. It must also make you sort of a modern day philosopher. Of course, there's humor, but there's also some real depth to some of your observations after an experience like that. I like to think that I hold up a mirror to the society, sure. Are you spiritual at all?

Am I spiritual at all? Yeah, do you believe in a God, and if so, what's she like? I've been to the depths of hell, so I have to assume there is a heaven. Heaven is for real. Hmm. If hell is for real, heaven is for real. I fought the devil and I won. You fought the devil?

Which game is that? I don't remember that one. I've done it. Don't worry about it. Okay. All right. Well, I am worried about it. Quite honestly.

You think that's going to have severe ramifications from my life going forward? Well, I'm worried if you fought the devil and he doesn't exist anymore, I'm not going to be tempted anymore. You don't think it's Tim Atlas, Tim Allen, Santa Claus? That chocolate cake in my fridge isn't going to eat itself. Oh, so you're going straight to Twin Peaks. Yep. No, I wouldn't be tempted anymore. Twin Peaks is kind of home base for me.

Oh, it is. Okay, so when you say you're crashing, you're just going to... I'm just kind of dining in at Twin Peaks. Okay, got it. Yeah. I believe they call that in the sector of restaurant. I believe they do, Duke. I believe they do.

Look, I'm just reporting the fact. Sure. The fact that... You came in with a summoned? A couple... No. Okay. You guys calling balls and strikes, but...

Yeah. In my opinion. He's out. I think he is. Duke, it appears your segment is coming to a close. How do you feel about that? I'm feeling pretty good. Damn, I'm looking good.

Uh-huh. Hail to the king, baby. That's right. Your two catchphrases. I'm glad you slipped those in there before plugs. I kind of forgot who I am. That's right. Well, we are running out of time, guys.

We really only have time for one final feature on the show. That is, of course, a little something. called plugs. If you have a plugs theme, head over to CBBWorld.com slash plugs. You can upload your songs over there, as well as find anything you need for the remixes. And Sean, I got to ask, and I think you know what's coming. What are we plugging here? Are we plugging in?

Wow, God, you've done such a great job plugging the dink. And, of course, I do hope people will check out Hollywood Handbook. That is, of course, your show that you do with, what's his name over there? Hazel Davenport. Hazel Davenport and you guys report on, it's interesting because he's Davenport and then you guys report. And then we also report. You report on entertainment news and what's going on. It's sort of like if you like the town. It's so similar to the town. We don't have obviously the beautiful melodic voices that Matt Bellany does. But, you know, I've- Has he talked about the dink yet?

You immediately understand why he got into podcasting. Has he talked about The Dinker? Has it not noticed it yet? It's Hollywood's best kept secret. Yeah. But I'm sure it'll be in one of his next What I'm Hearings. Mm-hmm. And The Dink is out now.

How do people actually watch it? What's the process? What do they have to do? I believe you have to get a special device implanted in you. Apple will basically do it free of charge. They open up your rib cage and they put a computer. And can people watch this on those meta glasses, the raybant, the cool glasses that people wear?

Can you go like, hey, meta, play the dink? Yeah, you can tell meta to do it. You can basically, you could call up Hayes. He didn't work on the film itself, but he's trying to be supportive. But yeah, you could watch it on an Apple device on Apple TV. And as far as Hollywood Handbook goes, do you guys ever drop the act? I'll get back to you. Okay, great.

Helga, what are you plugging here? Oh, yes. So I guess I'm plugging. There's, okay, you know what? This shows solar opposites you can watch. Oh. And you can also watch Star Trek Lower Decks if you're wanting. And, oh, you can come see improv at Upright Citizens Brigade Theater.

Okay, fantastic. And Duke Nukem, what are we plug in? Well, sometimes I appear on a podcast called Get Played. It's hosted by Heather Ann Campbell, Nick Weiger and Matt Opadocca, and they talk about video games, but I come in and I just tell it like it is. Oh, cool. So you talk about Blue Cosmos and stuff like that? I talk about things that I only know to be true. I express my truth.

Fantastic. All right, well, what do I want to plug? Look, big, big news. our Boston slash Medford show that was a few weeks ago obviously there were explosions underground causing manhole fires sounds like my ass

okay but they plugged those up you said that would never happen yeah but anyway we have rescheduled the date okay so we are going back there October 7th that is the rescheduled date So all of your tickets will work for October 7th. The day after Mike Mitchell's birthday.

That's right. And 24 days before your X-ray. Mm-hmm. So October 7th, we're going to be back there in Boston. Your tickets will work for it. And if you now are like, oh, I couldn't make it before, but I can make it now. Tickets are on sale right now for Boston, Medford. You can get those tickets right now.

And then we added a couple of dates on either side. On October 6th, we're going to be in Huntington, New York. And on October 8th, we're going to be in Troy, New York. That's right. We heard from you upstaters. You wanted us back. We're coming. All of those shows are now, first of all, the Boston show is available now.

People can buy tickets for that right now at CBBWorld.com slash tour. But the Huntington and Troy shows pre-sale is Wednesday at 10 a.m. local and the code is beefing and then the tickets are on sale Friday for everyone. These are going to be fun shows. These are the last shows for the foreseeable future. I do not foresee any other shows occurring in the Comedy Bang Bang Universe for a while. So go to these shows and Boston. We are happy to be coming back. Get all of the information over there at CBBWorld.com slash tour. That is it for my plugs.

Let's close up the old plug bag. All right. That was, I actually did find a place to hide by Ross Brackett. Thank you so much to Ross. And guys, I want to thank you so much. Sean, continued success to you, my friends. Many hamburgers to you. And the dink, of course, I'm going to be watching.

and I wonder if Apple TV works in because I'll be in England of course when it comes out. We're in so many countries. I love that. It's all over the place. I'm going to be laughing with an English accent and then going, hey, hey. They call it Apple Tully there.

Thank you, Duke. Duke. Thank you. You're fucking hilarious. About time. I got to give you your flowers for that. Duke. So wonderful to have you.

And Helga. Thank you, Scott. Great to see you. And, you know, I don't know. know if this is a match or something. Do you want to... Oh, here's my number. You put on a suit. Oh, my gosh. I was wearing it under my clothes. Yeah, why... So you were wearing a full suit under your clothes? That's right. Okay. Wow. And this... I'm a strange man.

I guess I knew that, but gosh, Helga... What are the characters do you have on here? I've been noticing a trend, honestly, recently. And this is just in the last month or so. They're a little unusual, aren't they? A little unusual here. Helga, what are you going to do with the number? Are you going to call him? I think I'm going to call him.

But I have to talk to my girlfriends first. What do you think? I mean, well, if they give you the go ahead. If they're giving me green flag, I'm going to text him. Okay. And Duke, you're prepared to have Barb dinner course? Why are we so vulgar? I said intercourse.

That was the term that you said was okay. Yeah, but wait, you don't have to say it to him. Yeah, ask him. right away. Yeah, they haven't even been on the beat. I've had worse happen to it. By these aliens? One time I got it fully bit off. Oh, no. Okay. So, so what happened? I mean, did you get the, the John, what was his name? John Wayne?

Bobbitt? Oh, yes. I'm sorry, I realized. I did start, I did get the John Wayne and I started calling it my Pilgrim. All right, well, that's got to be it then. Duke, you took us out on a wave of laughter. We'll see you next time. Thanks, everyone. Bye.