Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Harris Wittels, Chelsea Peretti, Adam Scott

Episode Date: February 23, 2015

4 years ago, maybe the greatest recording in Earwolf history took place. Now, the Farts and Procreation crew aka Harris Wittels, Chelsea Peretti, and Adam Scott return for the fourth time to attempt to recreate the magic. Creak, slam, sit, and chill with the Farts & Pro crew as we hear some gems during Harris’ Foam Corner, an incredible charac from Chelsea, and the hard work (e-mails) that went into making this episode a reality.

Hey everyone, this is Scott Ackerman. Welcome to the show. This is not the introduction I wanted to do for this episode. On February 11th, after I think over a year of emails of me writing to Adam Scott, Chelsea Peretti, and Harris Whittles, we were trying to schedule a podcast, a sequel to our popular farts and procreation series. We finally found a block of time to do it, and so we recorded it. The episode, pretty typical for us getting together, was really stupid, really silly. It got very dark at times, morbid, a little boring, frankly, in one long section, but most of all it was super fun. Just really incredibly fun to be around these three people, whom I adore, and especially fun to be around Harris, with whom I had not seen a lot recently,

due to his new job. A few days later, we were at a party, and Harris and I were talking, and he asked me how I thought the episode turned out, and I said, yeah, I thought it started out really funny. It got sort of diverted by this bit that we were doing, where we were trying to read every email that we had sent trying to schedule the podcast, and he said, yeah, he agreed, but it was super fun, and he wanted to come back in and do more episodes. He was moving to New York soon, just getting an apartment, but he wanted to fit one in before he left, and we talked about how excited he was about the job he was moving there to do, and how well everything was going in his life. Then, as most of you know, a few days later, on February 19th,

he passed away. I don't feel like I am the perfect person to eulogize Harris. Far more people knew him better. His old friends from Emerson, his coworkers at Parks and Recreation, his bandmates in Don't Stop or Will Die, his friends in his sketch and improv teams at UCB, but last night, Cool Up and I had a lot of those people over for a get-together. I personally did not feel up to it. I didn't want to do it. I'd been sitting around all day, feeling depressed. I didn't want to be around people, but Cool Up insisted and said it would be good to be around people. As the night went on, it didn't really turn out to be the somber affair that I had assumed it would be, because being at a party where people are telling their favorite

Harris stories really couldn't be. I woke up today feeling a lot better. Harris has been a big part of this podcast since its inception and a big part of everything that I've done in comedy since the night I met him, which was April 18th, 2006, when after a recommendation from Jared Grote, I gave him a spot, sight unseen on the comedy death ratio at UCB. His jokes that night and every night since just really blew me away. It's hard to believe that I have only known him for nine years, because he had probably the quickest rise to professional prominence of anyone I've ever seen in the entertainment industry. It was really annoying, actually, but he was just that good at what he did. In the early days of this podcast, we started doing a feature called

Harris's Phone Corner, comprised of terrible jokes that Harris would write down on his phone, but he didn't deem them good enough to actually send them to his Twitter feed. This somehow morphed into Harris's Phone Corner. I don't really remember the details, but you can listen to previous episodes to hear how that happened. After he died, someone posted a compilation of all of his Phone Corner bits online. At this party we had last night, almost every one of his friends came up to me and said, oh, I listened to his Phone Corner stuff earlier in the day. They were quoting his favorite or their favorite jokes of his, and we swapped them. They just wanted to tell me their favorite bits of phone that he had

done on this show. Harris, during his career, was primarily a brilliant writer, I would say, on shows like the Sarah Silverman program, Eastbound and Down, Parks and Recreation. I used to ask him for jokes for stuff. In fact, a couple of the last Between Two Ferns episodes, he very kindly jotted down a page of jokes. I posted an email on Twitter from him, where he just very casually sent me a couple of tossed-off jokes that he had thought of at the last minute right before we filmed it. The first joke ended up being told by the president, and the second joke was about Pussy, which was a favorite topic of his. As a sketch performer and as an improviser, he definitely was so much fun to watch. He brought joy and ease and a certain

affability to the stage. As a stand-up, he was picked by Sarah Silverman and Louis C.K. and Aziz Ansari and to open for them throughout several years. He also coined an actual word, humble brag, which no one I know personally has ever achieved something like that to actually invent a word that people use. And I would say that being a podcast personality and host would be the least of his professional accomplishments. But while he was here, Harris just couldn't stop being Harris, the real hilarious deranged guy that we all knew and loved. And because it's so difficult to know someone's personality from just watching something that they wrote, these appearances on this show and who charted and Rona and Beverly, you talking you too to me, and of course the show that we

hosted together, Analyze Fish, it made the audience feel a very deep, deep connection to him. I've received hundreds of messages from people who never met Harris personally, who felt like he was their friend. He got people, strangers, and people including me to listen to Fish and to actually enjoy it, which is an impossible task. And as one of our friends wrote to tell me, it's nice that we have these recordings that we can listen to when we miss him. So I wasn't gonna put out this episode. It gets super morbid and weirdly dark in places. I didn't know if that was appropriate. I also didn't want to seem opportunistic, like we're putting out something because we can and because people will want to hear the last podcast he ever did.

Mainly, I was worried about, you know, if this isn't the funniest episode that Harris has ever done, why would I want to put this one out? Because I didn't want him to go out like that. But then I texted Chelsea Peretti and I told her, you know, I don't think I'm gonna put this out. But when I told Chelsea that, she was adamant. She said, I had to put it out. I had to release this episode because who cares what we think about it? Every little thing Harris said was funny and she just couldn't stand to think that we were never gonna get another chance to hear him. And I spoke to more of his friends last night and a lot of them agreed. They said it would be just a treat to hear him having fun with his friends again. And I started to realize that

I think I didn't want to put it out because I really didn't want to listen to it again because I thought it would make me feel terrible. But with their encouragement, they said, listen to it and see what you think. And so I listened to it this morning and I said, you know, if it makes me laugh more than it bumps me out, then okay, I'll put it out. And it really, really made me laugh. It really made me feel better. It was just nice to hear from him. So a few days ago, I didn't know if I wanted to even put out a show this week or put out a show next week or, you know, even why continue, you know, why keep doing this stupid show. But in the conversation that we had last week at this party, Harris and I

were very coincidentally talking about this very subject, just why people watch comedy, what they want, when they are watching or listening to comedy about comedy's purpose in people's lives. And I told him the story of a personal tragedy that my family had gone through over a decade ago. And the just frankly bizarre experience of two hours after it happened, all of us not knowing what to do. And instead of just staring at each other, we turned on the TV and there was a silly, stupid sitcom on and just we all laughed a lot at it. And I just found that to be very bizarre. And it got me thinking about, you know, the definition of comic relief. And he thought about that and he said, yeah, you know, a lot of people want to do serious stuff with

their comedy like, you know, Louis does with his TV show. But I just think motherfuckers want to laugh. So that's what we're going to keep doing. Next week, we'll have a regular show in the week after that. He would be furious if any of his friends were serious for even one second. And I can't go that far. But I can play you this tape of us acting really, really stupid. Haters going to hate this delicious strawberry cake on the grounds that it's too lemony. But hey, what are you going to do? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you so much to Alfredo Solis Fuentes for that wonderful catchphrase submission. And guys, last week of Feb, the shortest month of the year, as far as I'm concerned, and this is the final Monday in Feb. This guy waited until

the second we started taping to scarf a bunch of food and drink. We literally were waiting for half an hour. And then he brings out a bagel. I didn't think he had a bagel. It's not a bagel, bro. It's a raisin bar. Who are you? Who are you? Okay, guys, we'll introduce you in a second to each other and to the audience. All right. I do want to say hello to everyone. This is the last Monday of Feb. And we're here celebrating because this week marks the final rec ever, the final rec ever, the final PN rec, the final PNR, the final Parks and R, the final one. And we're here celebrating and I brought three people here to the studio who have never met each other before. And I wanted to introduce you to each other. Let's see, whom should I start with?

Well, I'm, of course, DeLorean. Wait, are you a DeLorean or your name is DeLorean? DeLorean. You're not a talking car. No, no. You look to be in the shape of a human name. That's my female name. Your female human name?

Let me introduce you. First of all, your name is Pontiac. Now, are you a horse? I'm a DeLorean. Okay, very good. Over here in front of me, yes, who are you? My name is Lambo Kuntash. Whoa, I thought you were going to say Lambo Gino. Lambo Jaina. Now, you guys have never met before, so I want to introduce you to each other. What just happened to you, HW? Dropped your old P-H-O-N-E?

Dropped my dick. You dropped that dick? Wait. Over here is this... Are we done? We're done, no. Yeah, this is it. Okay, I thought we were done. Are you mean with intros or the whole shebang?

The whole show. The whole shebang bang. Yeah, I just realized that. Have you said that before? We're already off to not as good as even the last installment of this. I'm tearing you. This is a thousand times better. Guys, this is an historic grouping of people. They have not been in the same room together for, I don't know,

I would say at least two years or so. When was the last time we put out one of these? I mean, two, about over 700 Sundays ago, I would say. Who cares? Why do you have your goddamn sunglasses on? It's a cool version. Hey, listen, I'll put mine on. I'll put mine on. Listen, listen.

All right, everything's cool, man. This is like poker. All right, we all have our sunglasses on. We can't tell what anyone is thinking, which is great for improv. We can't tell about the social cues we're giving each other. Let me explain to those of you who don't know what's happening. Probably four years ago, a group of people converged upon the Year Wolf Studios and lightning struck.

What an amazing group of four people. And we had a great time. It was late in the evening. We had a great time. And then we did a couple others that were okay. Cut to, smash cut to, as a matter of fact, today. It's the middle of the afternoon. We're all wearing sunglasses.

That's why we have sunglasses. We wouldn't be wearing these at night. It's LA, man. What's that mean? You got to have your shades. Very good, very good. Let me introduce these people individually. And then collectively, we have, of course,

you know him as the co-executive producer and writer of Parks and Rec. And of course, he plays Harris on it. Harris Whittles is here. Yeah. Now, you know her as a former writer on the show. And when we gathered here four years ago, she was a current writer. And then she left in Skyrocket to defame in her own right. You know her as Gina on Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

But we all know her work from such classic episodes of Parks and Rec. As DeLorean goes to campus. Chelsea Peretti is here, of course. Thank you. And of course, yes. You know what clapped? That's a cold room. And of course, you know him as one of the people above the line

in Parks and Rec. You know him as maybe, what do you say you were? Third build? Fourth build? What are you? Oh, no, I think it's eighth. Oh, see, now that is a shocker, right? Doesn't it seem like as your character grows?

He came on late. Where you aim on late? Came on late, guys? Who's came on late? Is this a guy you know? Was his name late? Came on late. Came on late.

Truly, were you eighth build? Were you an and Adam Scott? Oh, by the way, Adam Scott is here. No, I think it's the last one. I think I was the last one. Was that alphabetical? No, no, it's just I was the last one. That's got to sting.

Is your audition on YouTube? You know what? Is it on Vivo? I don't really put a lot of value in that kind of stuff. For me, it's about the work. Where can I see that audition with some pre-roll advertisements? Listen, DeLorean, I don't know what you think this is. This.

Someone should make a shirt that says I watched the ads. I'd never press the skip ad. Yeah, I would wear that. Mm-hmm. That's so funny. Why would you wear that? I don't know. It's funny.

And you need a, you know, shelter from the elements. And I need a shirt. I need a shirt. Yeah, exactly. So you're just, you want someone to give you a shirt. Yeah, I don't. It doesn't matter what it says. I don't have a shirt.

You're in the shirt market. Yeah. Is that what a shirt is? Is it a shelter from the elements? Yeah, it protects you from the winds, the sun. Did you see wild? It protects your skin. I did see that.

What did you think a shirt was for? I thought it was for eating hamburgers. In what way? To use as a napkin? Or to? No, just to wear while you're eating hamburgers. Oh, like ceremonial garb. They're not a wrong.

Yeah. But it also is for a lot of other things. But you're supposed to take it off only when you eat hamburgers? No, no, no. I'm saying that's part of it. This is why standardized testing is so hard. Yeah. It's like a shirt is that, but it's also other things and a description.

What did you get on your SAT? I feel like you actually did pretty well. I'll tell you what. I did better in Spanish. Really? Do you speak Spanish? I took the LSATs in Spanish. The L-E-L-SATs?

It was SATs. Very good. This is already we're on a hot streak. Topping our last one. Topping our last one at least. Let me introduce you collectively. The Farts and Pro crew is here. Hello, guys.

Welcome to the show. It's been too long. It took four years to schedule this. Yeah, we've been trying to schedule this fourth one since the first one. Has it really been? How long has it been since the last one? Who cares? I'm not a fucking historian.

Whoa. Well, I am. You definitely were not in the calendar year of last year. I think it was the summer of the year previous, 2013. So we're going on two years. So I know what you did that summer. You know what you did that summer. So wait, I know what you did that summer.

I know you did that summer. But what did you do last summer? Should we just talk about what we all did last summer? Sure, why not? I don't remember anything. I put on a spooky mask. I killed a bunch of teenagers. The air conditioning ended right as there was a pause.

It just literally took the air out of the room, man. Guys, what is happening? First of all, you're all here. How do you feel about parks and rec ending? I mean, Adam, no one knew who you were before then. You had tiny little pop-up rolls and Veronica Mars. And of course, you were in save. You were Mr. Belding.

Was it Saved by the Bell? What were you in? What? You played Mr. Belding. Yeah, so. That was pretty well known. Thank you, Chelsea. And you used to get a handy every week on Tell Me You Love Me.

That's right. You were Jack Hay. That's right. Jack Hay off on 227. Jack Haying. And so this was a career milestone for you. And then Harris and Chelsea, I mean, you were both, you know, writers of note perhaps in tinier projects,

but this has made your careers. How do you feel about the end of this program? Adam is crying. Adam, what's going on? Where are you? I mean. I hope those are tears of joy. Well, it's hard.

What is? Oh, my God. My penis. And that makes you cry? Why are you crying, though? It's natural. Has it been four hours or more? It makes me so happy.

So they're tears of joy. It's hard. Okay. All right. How seldom do you get a hard penis? You cry. Every 20 minutes. You get a hard one every 20 minutes,

and you cry every 20 minutes? Is this year round or just during pilot season? Well, for me, 20 minutes is two weeks. Oh, my God. All right. Oh, well, times a flat circle. Oh, my God. That's true.

Yeah. I think I left my... Oh, no. What's going on? What's going on? What did you leave? Say it. Share it.

No, no, no, no. Say it out loud. Chelsea has not stopped taking things out of bags. She has two bags. First of all, she has a bag inside her bag. She took that out, and then she has a sunglasses bag inside that bag she took out. Can you play that Eric Abadou bag, ladies' song now?

Yeah. Thank you. Speaking of bag inside a bag, there was that baby that was born with a baby in her belly. What? What? In China, it was the 200th reported case of it. Realization out of control.

That's like babies having babies literally. Yeah. Total jinx. God, the doctor probably didn't know whether to slap it on the fanny or congratulate. Or abort. Soar, slap it on the fanny, then give it an abortion. Do you understand how small that coat hanger is?

That's not how they do it at a hospital. Was that, was that, was the baby inside the baby? Was the tiny, tiny baby? Was that one dead? That one, the baby inside, no. Actually, she just graduated magna cum laude. Wow. Yeah.

They're gonna abort it with a Barbie coat hanger. I like this, yeah. I like this line of thinking. I love this. This is good, good, good. This is a rich mind. Let's stay in this, let's live in this. How do you feel, guys?

The show's ending tomorrow. Empty. I'm, it's sad, but it's also happy because it's still good. What's still good? The show. Oh, you think so? Well, how do you feel? Chelsea left, I don't know.

How do you feel, Harris? I'm sad, but happy that everyone's enjoying it. Yeah, he took the words right out of my mouth. Jesus. The reluctance. Why can't you guys just for one say, look. It's sad. I haven't learned how to connect with my emotions.

Look, it's sadder when things are canceled prematurely. I feel like this is like when an old person dies, you're like, well, they had a good life. Like parks, I feel like they had such a full, rich. It was canceled at the right time. Yeah. It wasn't canceled. It wasn't canceled.

I mean, technically it was. We didn't want any more episodes. They chose, we chose to walk away on top. Harris is crying now. You didn't choose anything. Harris, come on. My penis is hard. Oh man, this is unrelated again.

I'm crying. You're telling me that if they came to Mike Shure and said, hey, you know what? We actually want more than 13. We want 22 and we want another season. That happened. They were like, we want four more seasons. Bullshit.

And Mike said, nope, walking away. Bull fucking shit. And I was in the room. It was me, Mike, Les Moonves. He's not even on NBC. You just wanted to be there? Is he like a watcher, the watcher? He's there for important events?

Exactly. And I said, Mike, we can't walk away. We got stories left to tell. Ah, Harris, new fashioned writer. Yeah. And then Les was like, Dallas, baby. Come on. I want those Dallas, baby.

Boku Dolores. And I killed him. So what really happened? Who did you kill? Les Moonves. He's dead? He's dead. How does Julie feel about this?

I don't know who that is. Julie Chen? Julie Chen, only one of them. Oh, yeah. She has a parking spot. Where? She does. At Radford.

I will straight sit at that parking spot. So does Les Moonves. He does. He does? At CBS, oh, because it's CBS. Yeah. Well, that's fantastic. CVS on RADFORD Street?

No, it's the studio. A pharmacy. Do you do CVS pharmacy? They have on at Laurel Canyon. This is going to be good. And Ventura. There are two CVSs right across the street from each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bananas. But I think, yeah. Well, it's cool. Because if one CVS doesn't have your, I don't know what. If you're embarrassing. Fucking tampons, Jesus. Then you go across the street and you buy your, what, fucking Maxi pads?

Christ. Or you keep getting an embarrassing disease over and over and you have to get your pills. You alternate so they think you have the clap only once or twice a year instead of like every three months. Is the clap still? The clap is still a thing. Measles.

No, measles is the new thing. But, you know, gonorrhea is still a problem, guys. Are you guys anti-vaxxers? I don't know how I feel. I assume it's good to get vaccinated just because all the measles photos I saw. It's a real hot button issue these days. Isn't that what I want to catch?

Let's go to Hot Topic. I'm not touching that with a 10-foot pole. Why, Harris, you love controversy. Oh, not this. This is too rich. Harris is controversial on everything else, but now he's suddenly death mute and dumb. That's controversial.

You know, like, don't forget that or something. You're being ableist. I learned that from Tumblr. Yeah. So, anyway, the show, the show's gone. Good riddance. You guys are fine with it. Peace.

Oh. Yeah, you know what? Something unpredictable, but in the end, it's right. Do you guys play that in the final episode? We just air that music video. The full 21 minutes slowed down. Although it's an hour. You're right.

It's an hour. You guys have an hour finale. What do we have planned on the finale? By the way, by the time this airs, there will be a very special guest will have made an appearance. Meaning on last week's episode? Yeah. Who?

Do you know who I'm talking about? You guys can just say it. If it's who I think, then you're not really able to be too discussed. Yeah, you're right. You guys can just say it because it aired last week. All right, we'll say it. Nick Offerman.

Yeah. Why are you guys being so cagey? Because it's not, you're not privy, bro. Oh, shit. But it happened last week. It happened last week. Yeah, privy. I think.

I don't think we can even. Okay, it's Lenny Kravitz. Get privy with it. Whoa! Lenny Kravitz. And Katy Perry and Lefshark. Yay. Lefshark?

Do you not know about this meme? No. Oh, dude. What's that? Can we stop the show? Yep, here we go. Click. All right, what do you got, Harris?

Lefshark was Katy Perry's backup dancer at the circle. Oh, right, right. And he was doing crazy stuff. Like, dancing all weird. So what happened? Well, Lefshark, it turned out, was a serial, convicted serial pedophile. No! No, that's not what happened at all.

Okay. I was like, I didn't hear that. You mentioned serial and I got excited because that's my favorite podcast. That is fented podcast. You know what? That got me so addicted to podcasts. Podcast. What's your favorite serial pedophile?

Um... Mine's Jim. It's just Foam Corner, by the way. Let's hear the Foam Corner theme. Here we go. Oh, fuck, man. Have a sense. Foam Corner.

Let's do it. Come on, Have a sense. Foam Corner. What? Yo, come on. Have a sense. Foam on the phone. Give the phone.

It's a Foam Corner. That, of course, is the Foam Corner theme by Reggie Watts, who is concluding his run on Comedy Bang Bang. It was announced last week who's replacing him, Kid Cudi. We're very excited about that. And he's got so much... Thanks for all your tweets about that. He's got so much excitement about the new gig

and a lot of enthusiasm, so I'm looking forward to him being on the show. Harris, you got some Foam? Yeah, so... Okay. You know... Oh, boy. You know...

You know in the... Stick the penis. You know how like... Oh, boy. You know, there's like candy and... Is this Harris' Meltdown Corner? I think there's candy and like mints in bathroom sometimes. Yeah, I know that.

And then, well, that's like... This is the last place I want to buy like open food is around all this shit. Where do they have open mints in a bathroom? They use like in fancy... The fancier the place, the more open the mints are there. No. Yeah, just like...

But they're usually in wrappers. I'll give a fuck. You can wrap it in a fucking... Jacket. That's not enough. Yeah. Do you think the shit smell wafts over to the mints? Is that what you're concerned about?

No, it's that literal particles. Like shit molecules. Yeah, I never eat in a bathroom. Yeah. Here's another one. Pussy. Coins are... Coins are so worthless now that it's gone from...

You can keep the change to... Can you keep the change? That's like a Drabble cartoon. I enjoyed it. When is it not okay to jerk off to someone based on like memories? Like I got a really good movie theater blowjob in eighth grade. And I feel like that's... What are you doing in eighth grade that that's what you're doing?

I know. That does seem young to get a blowjob. That wasn't even my first. That's like... Really? How many? That was my 97th. What? But do you think it was...

97 different women? Yeah, it was the year 97 coincidentally. Wow. And ever since I've tried to get the amount of year... So you've only had 15 blowjobs this year? Well, I'm hoping that they find out this year is only one A.D. Because... What?

I don't know what you're talking about. Because I've only gotten one. Oh. So the like some sort of new calendar? You know who it was from? Who? Me. Really? You can suck your own dick?

Yeah. Bro. Check it out. Bro, that's amazing. Check it out. Can I see you do that? Wait. Oh my god.

Your dick is like a straw. You're sucking like jism right out of your ball sack. Finally people talking about dicks. Yeah. Chelsea, you want to weigh in? Love them. Sometimes. They're okay, right?

Sometimes. Yep. I have a question about... The shape like that. I have a question... The competitors come out historically. That is true. You have a question, Adam.

Question. Can I talk? I have a question about your eighth grade blowjob. You said it was really good. Was it really good because you were in the eighth grade? Or do you think now it would stand up to all of the blowjobs? Would it stand the test of time? Having the penis you have now, would it still be a good blowjob?

Mm-hmm. I think it was... I think it was really good. But yeah, you make a valid point. How old was she, by the way? She was 79. Did you come to the movie theater together? Yes.

Was it your grandma? Did you come together? Not my grandma. Yeah. Did you do anything in return? Tell the story, bro. It was oddly like I lay down on the dirty ass floor. What?

No. I swear to God. He's just giving me flashbacks. Front row? Wasn't it giving you flashbacks, too? The writer's room at Parks, all we did was listen to Harris tell stories about himself. His blowjobs were a big hot topic. It was just nonstop.

So wait, you laid down... Why did you lay down? He's asking me questions. Well, who brought up the blowjob, though, to be fair? I was in foam corner. You're still in foam corner, by the way. Wait, we're all in foam corner. Yeah, oh yeah.

We're in the middle of foam corner. But tell your story, you laid down on the sticky floor and you weren't even in the front row? No, we were like third to last row. Third to last? Why did you lay down? You know what movie we're seeing? What's that? Half baked.

That's just a fun detail, but it's not that fun. Very good. And so, and then half baked. And how did you get... That's an R rated movie. And I tell you, I was half baked. Uh-huh. Was this in Texas?

Yeah. Okay. So it's like legal. To get a blowjob in a movie theater? In Texas. Oh, okay. This was 97, mind you. Okay, so then so...

But wait, I don't understand why you laid down. Why couldn't she just give you a blowjob? Because this was pre-lifting arm rests. Yeah, but she just gets in front of you. But if your penis is big enough... Like she... Oh, never mind. If your penis is big enough, bro.

It was a child's penis. Well, still, at eighth grade, you have a full-size man's penis. I used to be self-conscious about the pubes I had. So I put my dick through the hole in the boxers. Oh, my God. For the blowjob? Why? Because you have too much pubes.

This is therapy, right? Your every situation becomes it. Too much or too little. It becomes it. Did you have too much pubes? No, not enough. I would have loved more pubes. Oh, you were like bald?

Then I proceeded to get way too hairy all over. And I was like, those were the days. And then did you give anything back? Did you...? I think I fingered her, but at that... Oh, how generous. Yeah, but at that time, you think fingering is just like... How giving?

She like throws your genitals in her mouth and you're like... Yeah, a bad job, too. So I didn't know about clits at the time. You were laying on your back. So she was laying on top of you? She was like... Yeah, but did she remain seated? No, she was on the ground, too, on her knees kind of, like perched over.

Like downward dog yoga. And then for the fingering, did you get back in your seats or did you remain laying down? Fingering was pre. Okay, and then you go, let's take this to the floor. So her blowjob was a thank you for the fingering. Those are nice clothes. They look a lot better on the floor with you and them, and me, also. In my clothes, with my boner sticking out of my boxers.

Did she say, hey, do you want to take these off? Or did she think you were being seated? What's funny is there were three of us there. What? Yeah, it was me and her and then her friend. This gets worse. Where's her friend? Her friend was just, like, kind of sitting there.

Oh, my God! And if you're listening to this, because one of them is not alive anymore. Wow, Jesus! Oh, God, why are you crying? This is fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harris, which one died? The blowjob one.

Oh, God. Not during. That's nice, though, that you're respecting her memory. I know. This is horrible. What happened to her? I cannot get any more specificity. Please don't go into any more specificity regarding this issue.

But what about the friend? Where's she? Because she sounds down to clowns. I have to go. Where are you going? Harris is, like, pounding the walls, crying right now. Chelsea, I'm sorry. Anyway, do you want to finish that foam corner joke?

So you're thinking about a dead... Yeah, so basically... When is it okay to jerk? You take the change. You're right. That is why it's even more specifically fucked up, because she... It was in eighth grade, and she's dead.

Well, I mean, I... Is that okay to jerk off, dude? That's my question. I don't... I don't know. No, you can't answer whatever you want. I do, I sympathize, or maybe empathize with you, because one of my first junior high school crushes that I sat behind,

and she would wear these tank tops all the time, and this was in the eighth grade as well, and just a blossoming, burgeoning body. She passed away as well, and is that okay? Yes. You know, you guys, and I'm not joking at all. No, I'm... Adam is deadly serious, by the way.

I've never been more uncomfortable in a room. Please tell me you jerk off to a dead person. My first... My first girlfriend. Yes. Just like four days before you and I went up to sketch fest, I found out my very first girlfriend just died. Yes, jeez.

Yes. I'm not kidding. These things happen in threes. These things happen. That's upset. These things happen, and the older we get, the more it will happen. It is so sad.

So when is it okay, like, should we let their memories live on by jerking off to them? That I... Oh. Chelsea, weigh in. We need a female perspective. I just don't jerk off to specific people. Really?

Groups of people? You do it to a feeling? No, it's to imaginary situations. Not to, like, imaginary people. I feel like guys, like, see a girl on the subway, and they're like, I'm gonna jerk off to her later, or they have an interaction, they're like, I'm gonna jerk off to that later.

I don't know how most girls are like, or yeah, I gotta only speak for myself. You concoct imaginary people of your own devising in alternate universes. Is this really the goal here today? To talk about this? It is now. I gotta say.

Why does Adam have his hands folded like a creep? That is so creepy. It's like church hands. I never trust church hands. They are church hands, and they're perched right above. They're not in his lap, they're right above. I am through my body language telling you I am paying attention, and I am considering.

I'm a safe person. I'm a safe person to share this with. That's the message. I can honestly say this was my goal today. I'm sure. Chelsea, when you pass away, do you want people thinking about you, like, sexually? Like, wow, that was, she was really,

you know what, the sex with her was great. I'm gonna continue thinking about that. Or do you want people to? Let me reframe the question. Okay, here we go. If you guys, if you knew that every time you jerked off to a girl or someone that you knew, they would get an alert sent to them.

Oh, or they would die. Why'd you still do it? They usually do get an alert from me. On Ambien. On Ambien. A text. Shout out to Ambien. Yeah.

So wait, anytime even, like, someone pops in your head accidentally and you would say, oh no, I don't want an alert sent to that person. I'm gonna. No, you can cut it short. Okay, but if you choose to proceed, they get an alert. There's like a seven-second delay.

Okay, so if you actually, like, climax, they get an alert. If once you start touching yourself, it's over. They get the alert. I think, I don't know. I don't know. I would, like, there. It would be a way of flirting. It's like sending a link.

I think it's flattering as fuck. If I got a text that was like, this girl's masturbating to you right now, I'd be like, awesome. Don't you think girls would be getting alerts constantly all day, every day, where they would turn them off? What if you hate someone and you're like,

ew, get me out of your fucking disgusting. Yeah, it's like someone stalking you or something. Still kind of cool. Who's that? Men's okay stuff. Is it Adam? Nope. This is going to sound weird.

Okay. Hugh Laurie. You hate him the most? Yeah. Why? Never met him. If he jerked off about you, it would freak you out, or you would think it's cool.

No, I'd be into it. No, I love, I like Hugh Laurie. I actually have no opinion. I just pulled a random person. Don't you think much like an annoying Google alert that where you're getting too many responses, women would just eventually turn it off? You know, like, you know what?

In this scenario, no one has the power to disable it. That sounds like the woman has to be. It's almost harassing, right? It's not her fault. I mean, right? Yeah, don't you think men would then jerk off intentionally in order to send an alert? Yeah, it'd be like some kind of harassment.

Yeah. And is it an alert on your phone, or do you just see it like terminate or like in your eye? You see the picture of the person? And are you a cyborg in this scenario? I don't know, but I like your attitude of like, just, I'm interested. I'm interested in this technology.

Yeah. I'm just thinking about all the girls I know that would get alerts and how embarrassing it would be. Are your phones hooked up to your penis, by the way? I need to know from a girl's perspective if that's a good move, because I have done it. Here's the parallel. Here's the parallel.

Of course not, Harris. Here's the parallel. It's not at all. It's telling someone I had a dream about you. Like, that's what is a real-life actual situation that people do. If you go, I had a dream about you. The person's like, okay.

Yeah. Although I've had that with women who I know for a fact are just not interested. I've had women know, oh, I had a dream about you, blah, blah, blah, blah, and it doesn't have a, like, oh, it was scary and it was like, I didn't like it. Right, that's true. Well, that's just been something.

But I feel like generally people know that it's flirtatious to say that, unless you do have an open relationship, I mean, like, openly disinterested relationship. Right, right. Okay, so. So just if you have a crush on someone, tell them just fake it and say you had a dream about them.

Fake it till you make it. So is the phone, like, does it have a jack to put your penis in? Well, you know, how is it attached? Is it attached through Bluetooth? Do you get like a Bluetooth thing in your penis? It's all virtual. Okay.

Hate to disappoint. What does that mean? I know you want a Bluetooth attachment for your scrod. I just want, like, your scrod. Scrod, scrod? Scrod, is that a word for it? Wouldn't it be scrote?

Seems like a Shakespearean word, like a scrod piece. Well, scrod is dorks backwards, and dork is a whale's penis. It's not dorks backwards. It really is. When you think about it, it is. Scrod? It actually is.

Does anyone want the rest of this? It's empty, clearly. You have just, like, three drops of coconut water. Sponsored. Yeah, do you want to do your ad for the coconut water? Just super quick, Zippo coconut juice. Zippo like the lighter? No, it's a new, their rebranding is a coconut juice company.

So they're not making lighters anymore? No more lighters, no more smoking. It's bad. It's coconut juice all the way. Zippo, up on top, making it happen. That's her slogan? Yep, up on top. Because coconuts are up high, I guess.

Yep, and the print ads are going to be me on top of a skyscraper in a suit holding two coconuts and sitting on top of a coconut. That's on top of the skyscraper. And your scrod is hanging out. My scrod's out, and I'm saying, let's make this happen. Going all the way. Getting a blowjob from a dead girl.

Exactly, exactly, good. All right, great. Well, we have to take a... Unbelievable. You're so disappointed. We have to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more of whatever this is. We'll be right back with more comedy bag bag.

Comedy bang bang. We are back here with the Farts and Pro Crew, and we're still in foam corner. Yeah, we gotta get out. Yeah, so how do we get out of this? You gotta do one more... Just press that button. Talk about anything else.

You gotta do one more joke. All right, you know, people are always like... If someone juggles, people are impressed by it. But it's like, I'm not. Because, oh, you learned to do that. And so what? Like, I could juggle if I learned how. Jesus.

This foam corner. Yeah, come on. Ever since foam corner. What? Yo, come on. Ever since foam on the phone. Give the phone. It's a foam corner.

All right. All right. We're out of it. All right. Very good. Chelsea, every time you've been on the show, you have some wonderful new caracks to debut. What do we have here?

Because you're a chameleon. I know. You know, people see you every week now as Gina. And that's one of your caracks. But there's so many more that's in your head just rattling around, you know? Yeah. So many more that just like, shake your head and, you know,

a couple new caracks will fall out of your ears. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'll take a word. Okay. What does that mean? I'll take a word. Any suggestion?

To base the character around. Suggest any word? Does it have to be an emotion or just a thing? An occupation. Fireman. Oh, boy. Fire Marshal. Bill?

Betty. Betty. Yeah, go ahead. Okay. This is Fire Marshal, Betty. Now wait, is Marshal the name? That's her middle name. That's her middle name.

Okay. And so Fire is her first name? Yeah. So she is not a Fire Marshal? No. Okay, very good. Fire Marshal, Betty. She's like Zoe Kravitz.

Like her parents were kind of like hippie musicians. Very good. And her last name is Betty. Oh, so she's Tom Betty's kid? She's Tom Betty's kid. All right, well, we'll do the character. She's Sam Smith. Hey, man, what's up?

Hey. Hey, fire. You are a straight fire today. Well, yeah, like people always like to make fun of my name. I get it. Who's your dad? Bomb Betty. Bomb Betty.

Did he do that song? Bre Ballin. Pre-Ballin. He did Pre-Ballin and he later did Bre Ballin to follow up. But like, I'm not here to- Oh, he did the American Burl. Bums me out to always talk about my dad because it's like I'm my own entity. What do you do?

Come on, you guys. I make music on my dad's label. What's one of your songs? Bomb Booty. Bomb Booty. I'm more hip hop than he is. So like, he's like all rock and roll. Bomb Booty?

Yeah. All right, how does he go? I feel like I can. All right. I mean, you know, the public is the courtroom and- The ultimate arbiter. Give us a couple bars. Sure.

Spit that fire, Betty. Bomb Booty. Bomb Booty, Bomb Booty. Hip, Bomb Booty. Bomb Booty, Bomb Booty. Hip. That's like how it starts and then it goes into more of like a ballad. So it starts with just literally 15 seconds and then it goes into a ballad?

You know, it's got influences, world influences, but it's definitely not world music. Sounded a little like Paul Simon's Graceland. That's cool. Yeah. What is the ballad portion of the song sound like? Bomb Booty. I loved you, Bomb Booty, but now you're gone. Hey.

That was a ballad. Yeah, that's definitely ballad. So it's, is it a breakup song? I mean, it's everything, like life is everything. You have ups and you have downs and it's like people think, because my dad is Bomb Betty, like that I'm just like out here spoiled just like driving my dad's car and living in the apartment. What do you drive, by the way? It's, it's this old car.

Oh, okay. And also- So it's not here anymore. I bought it, I paid for it. Yeah. How much did you pay? A couple hundred. And what kind of car is it?

It's a classic, some sort of like classic automobile. It's an Alfa Romeo. Oh my gosh. A vintage Alfa Romeo. For a couple hundred dollars. Yeah, but it was run down. Anyway, I'm working on a bunch of new stuff and like I don't let my dad in the studio. Okay, so if he were to come to the studio-

I'd be like, bro, fuck off. Have you ever tried to come to the studio? Probably, I have security. It's his label. We don't talk, really. You don't talk, what happened with you and you're dead? One of his friends used to do stuff. Do stuff?

Like what? Was he a serial pedophile? No, he was a musician. He made competing albums with me and my dad. Was this Bob McCartney? You know, Bob? Oh, that airs back on. Thank God.

Does your dad- How does he feel about Tom Petty? Furious. He was there first the way he sees it, but it's like, you know what? He's unreasonable and like, fuck that, dude. He's like an old champ. Does he ever put on American Burl and then American Girl side by side and he's just like, that fucking Tom Petty.

This is bullshit. I mean, we could call him. Okay, let's do a good idea. Here we go, Brett, get him on the phone. Engineer Cody, Brett. Hello? Dad, you fucking dick. Hey, bomb.

No, who are you? No, fire. Hey, hang up the phone real quick. I can't fucking deal. Really sad that your dad clearly has Alzheimer's. He was calling you- Is this a phone? I told you to hang up, man.

He's fucking out of it. This is why I don't deal with you. Do I eat this? Do I eat this phone? What do I do? Hey, fire, I miss you. I love you. Why'd you name me fire, you fuckface?

Is this bomb? No, you're- You're bomb. Mr. Betty? Mr. Betty? Is this Adam Scott from Parks and Recreation? Yes, it is. Not anymore, dad.

I can listen to- I can tell your voice anywhere. I love the show. Hot tub Time Machine 2 did an amazing business this last week. Oh, well thanks for noticing. Number one at the box office this weekend. Was it? Perfect.

I'm so glad that you think that. That's great. I don't have Alzheimer's about that. Number one with the bullet. Hey, Mr. Betty, I'm just curious. We were sitting here discussing how you feel about Tom Petty. Oh, that chaps my hide. So you don't like Tom Petty?

You know what? I sometimes put my song, Bree Ballin, next to his song, Free Fallin. Uh-huh. I buy two separate record machines. What do you call those? 00:51:10,640 --> 00:51:11,920 CD players. Yeah, CD players.

I buy two of them. And I run it through- I have a speaker wire going from both of them into the same speakers. Do you know what I mean? You have a penile Bluetooth? I do. I- he was injected into my penis via syringe.

That's very cool. Is this Harris? It's Harris. Hey! I got a question. How do you guys know each other? What the f- I don't know.

I've never met him. I'm just a huge friend. I installed his penile Bluetooth. Oh my God. Oh my God, that's disgusting. You're the guy that spit that into my pee hole? It's- listen, that's the only way to do it. I'm old-fashioned.

Oh, hey, how's it been? I haven't seen you in a long while. Are you- are girls that you jerk off to getting ample texts? Why are you getting these? Oh, my- ew! Hang up on him. I'm telling you, guys, I'm fucking free. Wow.

Man, he sounds like an elderly man. He is, but then his voice is like so youthful. It's disgusting. He has a lot of energy, it seems like. I hate him. Boy. There's a lot of sexual tension. Yeah, between you, Harris and him.

Yeah, I mean, what the fuck? Why didn't you tell me that, Harris? It's weird that you didn't mention that you're the one that implanted the- the penile Bluetooth and her dad. Yeah. With the mouth. Yeah, it's a little strange. Little strange.

But that's how you have to implant the Bluetooth into penises. It's always done by the mouth, right? Yeah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I don't think it's that weird. I work at Radio Shack. Where they're going out of business. I know.

That's why I started this company with this venture. To keep them afloat. It's a company? It's a whole company. But only one person got one installed, your dad. But he did pay one trillion dollars for it. What? Sounds like you're flushing, buddy.

That's like my trust. I know. But what's your overhead? Like two trillion? We're in the hole, one trillion dollars. Wait, so four trillion, it sounds like. Yeah, I don't know, man. How much do you clear for implanting it with your mouth?

I work on commission. The commission. Commission. Michael Chiklis. Chiklis special. Whatever come I get, I get to keep. Are we in foam corners still? Wait, who's this?

Chelsea, I. That was a great character, Chelsea. Thank you. I came out of it. I came out of it. You're out, okay. It was getting too intense. Like I can't envision that world.

And I don't think we're that far from that world. Yeah, you got to de-roll. What's your name? I'm Chelsea. What city are you in? I think it's Calabasas. Oh, she's still in Bombay. That's a terrifying glimpse.

Calabasas is just like right by us. Do we need to get your acting teacher in here to help you get out of character? Yeah, let's get him. He killed himself. Oh no, he's dead. We can't get him. His ghost has been haunting me for a couple seasons.

Oh. Don't come in here. Oh wait, he can just come float right through the walls, can he? Why are you knocking? I'm in misconception about ghosts. Fine, open the door. All right, open the door.

Creek. Slip, sit. Hello, sir. What is your name, sir? Identify yourself. I'm Mark. Mark, acting teacher extraordinaire? No.

No. This is your acting teacher? He was. Really? Not an extraordinaire. No, just an ordinaire. Just a guy that taught acting to Chelsea in order to prepare her for the Brooklyn Nine-Nine role?

No, just he coached me for the corrects here on your show. I hired him just for that. Just for the corrects? Wow, okay. He's the Mayan behind all of them. I'm the Mayan behind all of them. I'm Mayan. Why do you talk like the aliens in Galaxy Quest?

Because my vocal cords, my wife and I had our baby. Is she dead too and the baby dead too? She's dead. Baby's dead. Baby was pregnant. Baby came out pregnant. I ate the placenta. We sound like you ate a placenta.

Is that what killed you? No, it's still in my throat. Did you choke on it? Yeah, that's how I died. You suffocated. On my baby's placenta. Oh my goodness. And you'd think it was the size of a raisin.

Oh, but a raisin, you know? Raisin, you know, is better than one you don't. Raisin Arizona, am I right? Like the movie. I'm doing an impression of you because you said I was bad at impressions. What is your number one tip on acting, would you say? I would say, stay away from the raisins. That's just your tip.

Stay away from the raisins. Meaning if you get a role in which you have to eat raisins, stay away from that role because you may choke on one. Either that, or if you get cast and raisin in the sun, don't do it. That's catapulted so many people to fame. Yeah, and. Name, Tuon. Felicia Rashad.

Tuon. Oh, Tuon, I'm sorry. You're Tuon. Puff Daddy. Was he in? Oh, yes. He was. Yeah.

He wrote that poem. Yeah, and his acting career took off after he was in that play. So basically. Is the AC broken? So, no, my other tip would be if you're gonna go onto the stage, then make sure there's a play going on. Okay, so don't just wander onto a stage, any stage. If you're on stage and there's not a play, you're not really acting.

And does it have to be a play? You're cast in or can you wander onto the stage? Wander onto any stage. Any stage and you're an actor. Yeah. Okay. All the world is a stage, as the immortal Bard once said. Who's Bard Simpson?

The immortal Bard Simpson said all the world is a stage. I taught him. I taught Bart everything he knows. Really? Chelsea and Bart, my two greatest achievements. Do you think he's ever gonna have a cow? Well, I mean, I think he should take his own advice. Sure, and not have one.

Not have one, but do you think he will? Oh, my God. No. You don't think he will? Hell, no. Oh, wait. You're, I got rid of the right. I got rid of the placenta.

Oh, so now you speak in a different manner. Yeah. All right, we're done. Wow. One of the more unceremonious ends. We're done as if you were shitting and you're just like done. Done in here. It's out.

I got it out. Yeah. Oh, my God. I've never. Shit? Shit in my life. Is that what it's like? Never shit in your life?

Shit in my life. No, it's all been building up. That's not healthy. It's like Elvis. Yeah. I mean, do you want to see my butt? It's entirely brown. What?

Yeah, my, here. Why is the outside of your butt brown? Well, no, it's like, it's like, you know, how if you fill up a Ziploc bag with a bunch of shit? Of course. Yeah, sure. You would see the brown. That's exactly what, here, let me show you my butt.

Why do you fill Ziplocs with shit constantly? It's just a, it's a play activity for my nephews. Dude, you're not looking at my butt, bro. Oh, whoa. Oh, God. Yeah. Get that thing out of here. It's beautiful because it's translucent, but it's disgusting.

It feels like all it needs is like to pop like a balloon, just a tiny prick. Yeah, it's like a spider. I can take care of that with my mouth. Okay. No, Harris, don't. We're all going to. Improcreation.

Improcreation. Oh, that feels so much better. All right, we're done. One tiny little turd. Wait, we're not going to go through the scheduling? Oh, okay. Yeah. Look, we have to take another break.

I'm so sorry. You got to clean up now. Yeah. Look. I hope you do it yourself. This is a great segment. Can we all agree this is a great segment? Do you think people will rank this one above the last one?

No, none of these should be. We do actually manage to get worse and worse each one. Yes. That's amazing. Oh, we haven't done it in a year and a half. The truth of the matter is the first one wasn't good. So if we're getting worse each time, that's like mine. Yeah, we're starting at zero.

We're digging. We're in the negatives now. Right. All right, let's go to a break. Let's try to salvage this. When we come back more, Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with Chelsea, Harris, and Adam. And of course, we're having a great time.

Middle of the afternoon and the end of Feb and Parks and Recreation. Of course, season finale tomorrow. And series finale. Series finale, sorry, yeah. That was a great show, but you guys have other stuff going on, don't you? Yeah, we have our new show that we're doing. OK. All right, well, great.

So anyway, next question. Wait, what? Harris, should we tell them about it? Or? I was kind of hoping to. Oh, do you mind, Scott? Well, I mean, it's highly unorthodox, but I suppose I could sit here and listen to what you guys are saying.

I mean, Chelsea, are you interested at all? I have to take off, but I feel like... Well, would you mind staying put for a couple of minutes? Linda, is your ear for a second? Would you? OK. OK. Thanks.

Thank you. All right, here we go. No worries. No worries. Great. What is this show? So for the... You owe me the listening to one full pitch.

This show is called Isis. Yeah, it's called Isis, Usis, We All Sist for Ice Kris. Oh, my God. Isis, Usis, We All Sist for Ice Kris. And Harris and I have... We've been workshopping this for a while. Like, we started workshopping this even before our first Farts and Pro. Oh, wow.

This is something that's been a long, long conversation. Yeah, and we've actually funded Isis to have this title make sense, because it didn't exist prior to this. I see. OK, well, you've done the world a great to service. Well... Well, you haven't seen the show. That's true.

It may counterbalance it a bit. I feel like you'll think it's all worth it, in a way, once you actually see the show. OK. And the show's not about Isis in any way. OK, it just has it in the title. Yeah, it's about Ice Kris. OK, great.

And Ice Kris is a boy who is very cold. OK, is he related to Ruth's Kris at all? Yes, his mom is Ruth's. OK, very good. And growling up on... Growling up, is that what you said? Growling up. Growling up on a steak farm.

You tend to be a certain kind of person. Yeah. When you say a steak farm, do you mean there's cows on the farm that they turn into steaks? No, no, no, no, no. No, we grow steaks. Whoa. They're grown three...

Bio-engineered steaks? Three inches underground, they grow steaks. Three inches, is there any way for me to have some sort of perspective as to how deep that would be? Oh, I'm looking at Harris' penis. OK, I got it. Yeah, from the ground. We all have our penises.

You're looking at my penis from the ground. All right. Chelsea. Anything? Yes. All right, so ready? 01:02:58,160 --> 01:03:00,160 All right.

All right. Father, father. No, yes, yes, yes. The steaks are... The steaks are in. The steaks are in, and I'm cold. Come in, son. Sit down.

I need to tell you something. OK. Your mother, Ruth's... Yes? She's having a hard time. She feels that your work in the steak fields is lacking. Father.

But I picked one steak today. Son, one steak is not enough. We need three steaks per year. And you've only dug up one steak today. Let me try harder. What is my consequence? Your consequence? Is I am going to freeze you

in a block of ice? No. I'm already cold. For 12 centuries. Father. Yes? Will you be there at the end when it thaws? No.

OK, let's cut to that. OK. The guy sucking on his own dick in the show. Shut up. Where am I? Well, where am I? You are in the future. It has been 12 centuries that have passed.

Who are you? I am the ghost of your father. Whoa. My name is Mark. The theater teacher? Yes. Great work. Thank you.

Hey, man. Yes. What happens now? We're 1200 years in the future. What? Can you hear me? Can I let me get in a better place? Yeah.

Can you hear me now? Yes, that's better. Who is this? Ice. Oh, yes. What's up, man? Did you ever get those two other steaks? Yes, we had a very good year.

Did Ruth's crisp become successful? Oh, yes. In the city, there's a Ruth's crisp steakhouse. I ate at that. I swear to God, I ate there with my parents. Well, I'm your dad. You fucking idiot. What's my consequence?

For being an idiot? Yes, father. I'm going to freeze you in a block of ice. For how long? For 12 centuries. Okay. Oh, God, this one hurt. Hello.

Hello. My name is Mark. Mark? Yes. I'm horny. Yes, I figured you would be. That is why I have for you... Mark?

Yes. I'm horny. Yes, I figured you would be. That is why I have for you... a female companion. What's her name? Her name is Fire. Fire Marshal Betty?

Yes. Fire and Ice. Oh, my God. A song of fire and ice. What's that? We cannot be together because you will melt me. Or will you put her out? Put out her flame?

We can never know. Go. Go. I waited 12 centuries. You're fucking fire and ice. You gotta get the fuck out of here. Hello. Hey.

Who's this? Who's what? You're asking who you are? Hey, Mark. Do you mind coming in here and taking out the trash, please? Oh, yes, no problem. Sorry, guys. Who are you?

Who am I? What? Why am I frozen for 12 centuries? Then I come out of it and I'm told I'm not wanted. What? Who's this? If father catches us, he will freeze us for 12 more centuries. What?

But we must run away. But it can't be together because we'll melt. What? Who's your father? Mark. Hello? Mark's Chris. Who's this?

Who are you? Get out of here. Mark, come take out the trash. Stop talking to your friends. Sorry, I'm on my way. What? My dad is very powerful. Please freeze me again.

What? Consequence. Is that your name? Mark, the trash isn't going to take out itself. I can't find you. Where are you? Hey, listen. What?

Stop. Mark, who are you? I'm your father. Who's this guy talking to? Mark, did you have kids when I wasn't looking? Well, it was 24 centuries ago. Mark, I'm on my way. Come get the trash for me.

That's what I'm trying to do. I can't make dinner and take out the trash. I understand. I can't do everything. I'm in the house. I can't do everything around here. Each floor, I'm on the third floor. I'm on the 28th floor.

Take the elevator up here. Fucking hell. I didn't want to buy such a big house. You're the one who wanted to buy the big house. Okay, I'm in the elevator. I'm pressing 27. Up in a second. Hurry it up.

Yes, what? Who are you? I'm on the 27th floor, you're nowhere near. I don't see you. I'm sorry, I meant the third floor. Establish your character. Who are you? I am Mark, your father.

He's Mark. You're nailed down, bro. We got you. Who's your companion? Are you gay lovers? What? Are you gay lovers? Who is this?

Fire. That's it, I'm freezing you motherfuckers. What? Fire. It's just us now. Freeze me. It's just me. I'm going to implant a bluetooth into my dick.

What? I I am dying in such a sweet way. Sucking me beautiful. Sucking me beautiful. And scene, wow.

Sucking me beautiful. We always end on that. That line was written for the finale. Sucking me beautiful. This is the final episode that we just saw? This was the final episode. How many episodes will proceed this one?

How many did we do? It's crazy how your life story was about blowjobs and then your story story, your art imitated life and was also in a way. It's all I know. It is all you know. Amazing, amazing stuff. Good luck with that.

I know this is your show. Should we close out with reading our scheduling? Close out? First of all, I don't want to read our scheduling on the air. It'll be so funny, I think. We'll leave out any controversial elements.

What do you mean controversial elements? I don't know. You want to read meaning our emails back and forth? They're not interesting. I want the people to know how difficult it was. It's so funny how hard we worked to make this show happen. What and how long did it take?

We've been trying to do this for a year and a half. Let me look in my I'm going to search Aukerman up in here. It's fairly recent when we... Chelsea, I'm in love with you. Oh wait, I guess I shouldn't read on. Uh-oh. Look, I like a fine piece.

Sure. Kulup's got the titties, but you... You got the snality. Alright, where is it? Alright, I found it. There we go. Everyone read their part.

All I have is the one that Chelsea started yesterday. We should read other people's part. There's so many of these. On 8-20-2014 you said, so should I just tell myself to fuck off with four question marks?

Because I sent out an email to all of you and no one responded. I'm reading from January 22nd, which was about a month ago. Yeah, about a month ago. About a boy as well. I'm not finding anything.

Go to Aukerman. Search Aukerman! Alright, boy. Yeah, I have 122 is when this one came out and Hera said first to respond I vote yes. Who do we want? I'll play Harris.

No, I'll play Harris. Wait, which thread are you in? There's so many. The first one I have is 2215. No, no, there's way before that. I don't have anything before that. Okay, wait, what one are you guys in?

I truly feel like we should each read ourselves. Alright, fine. Okay, so I say guys, demand is high. Should we do a podcast before I go back into production at the end of Feb? First to respond. I vote yes.

Alright. Of course. Fuck yeah, cunts. Whoa, take it down a notch, bro. Whoa, take it down a notch, bro. Whoa, take it down a notch, bro. Then this is Adam. No, it's you.

It is? Ooh, I'm not getting my own. Well fantastic. When? Night? I'm free whenever. I'm OOT out of town till February 1st. My pitch is that we do it Feb

two through five. I'll do it any time. What's your availability that week? Free after seven on Monday and Tuesday of that week. I live I live in Iceland. Chelsea putting a screeching halt on the discussion.

I think we should read all our scheduling emails on the pod. I just don't know my schedule in this much advance. Oh boy. Is it me? Let's do it Monday or Tuesday night. Shells, when will you know?

Then you. This is terrible. Why are we doing this? Well, we should have had it printed. You're the one who wanted to do it. That month is Groundhog Day. I thought you had producing staff or something. That month is Groundhog Day.

You did something I didn't want to do? You never said you didn't want to do it. Can we pause? Why are you so adverse to read those emails? It would be so funny. I thought it was because we've done it for two minutes and it's been awful.

It's been a wall for four people. I don't know email conversation. It's like a Sony hack. This is like a Sony hack. Listen, I think we should publish in McSweeney's. On Tumblr. Yeah, Tumblr McSweeney's.

What's the mail app you're using? Because it looks cooler than mine. Oh my god. I don't know. I apologize. I feel like this would be right up your alley. I don't know. But it's not up your alley at all.

I just feel like this alley is like boredom alley and we're just on a freight train. But we were only halfway through. Let's play one of your dumb fucking games. I'll start. Hey, would you rather fucking eat a dog with chopsticks

or read a fucking awesome email chain? Yeah, read an email chain. Let's do riddleby this. What's an email chain and is fun to read? Are you a fan? You listen to the show? That's so nice of you.

Thank you so much. Wow, I didn't know that you listened to every single one of them. That's really flattering. I appreciate it. Thank you, Harris. I love the show. I'm a huge fan. I know and it's very flattering.

And I think that you talking you two to me is awesome. And you two is your favorite band now? Different application. Who the fuck doesn't have Gmail? What are you using? Seriously, what day is it? Am I supposed to just give out my email address? Yes, I'll do it. Would you be mad?

Sure, I'll give out my email address and right after I'll give out yours. I'll give out mine. I'll tell you what. Do it. This is actually something I do think is funny. If you have friends in show business when they say they're going somewhere to tweet where they're going.

Because these was trying to shoot what do you call that, angle in on my dinner reservation with my boyfriend. I was like, we're going here and he's like, oh, that sounds good. I'm going to go there too. And then he brought a group of people there. Are you serious? And so we're on our date and then there's this whole group

of people that I know at the same time at the same restaurant. And so I was like, I'm going to tweet that you're going to be there. And I wish I did it. I should have done it. I should have done it. But that is such a good power play for rich and famous. But seriously, Adam,

if you give out your email address, I'll give out mine. Okay. Okay. Do it. Let me just see what it is. Harris Whittles at gmail.com. You've said that before. It's the obvious move. Did you get random emails when you did that?

Well, remember, I was like, that's my email address. Send dick pics. And I got so many dick pics. Did you really? I got one every few weeks. No, I said all pics. I said tits or dicks. Did you get any tits?

Not one tits. You got to be Doug Benson for that side boob, baby. Yeah, I know. What are you listening about side boobs? Ladies, send your boobies to HarrisWhittles at gmail.com. And gentlemen, got to keep it fair. Send your dicks.

That's true. Hey, if you're asking for boob pics, you got to ask for dick pics. So I'm taking writer submissions for what? To write scheduling emails. Okay, yeah. That email chain, I swear to God.

I didn't realize it was on us to print it, but I would have, because I believe in it that much. Just pull it up on your own things. It is really funny. Do you want to go back to it? Yeah, let's finish it. I go to bat for things I believe in. This is where we left off.

Really, you could bring it up and I don't have to pass my phone. But I don't know where it is. Yeah, that's my point. But that's why I didn't realize I should have printed it all out. I didn't know that. No one wanted to print it out. You just said let's read it, implying.

So you know what comes after this? Sort of. All right, so start with that groundhog day. Okay, that month is Groundhog Day, so we could talk about one of my favorite movies. I usually get my schedule the Sunday before the week starts. I'm an idiot. I don't want to read this.

Well, you have to. You're the one who wanted to do this bit. You're the one who wanted to do the bit. What is it? You have to read it. All right, everyone has to read every word of the reading. All right. I'm an idiot and actually Tuesday would work better for me.

I have a Tonight Show showcase one day to host it. Did you get it? Well, I'm here, aren't I? And I say, so how's this looking for tomorrow night? I'm still good with it. I can't do it tomorrow.

Sorry, girls. See, that's funny. I go, I can tomorrow night. I'm off next week, so could Rob at some point. And then. But we really, really should read. We really, really should read the entire

scheduling thread on the pod. How about a week from tonight, next Wednesday? I'm good for next Wednesday. Feeling pressure to be funny here since we are reading these publicly now. I'll start on the next one. Well, here's something funny.

How far can a fox run into the woods? Only halfway, then he's running out of it. Can we do afternoon or morning instead of night? I hate the way Scott looks at night. Well, what's everyone's schedule next Wednesday? Harris, you always have to do it at night, right? That's what he said.

Adam, you have to read that on air now. And it'll be on the internet forever. I could probably get out of the room Wednesday if need be. What room? Your bathroom? That's fucked up. You know I don't have a bathroom.

That's what he said. Oh, wait, no, I say something, right? Oh, okay. So everyone's going to show off now? I acknowledged that that was my plan. You say. Could we do either 10 a.m.

or 4 or 5 p.m.? I could do 10. I have an 11.30 hair appointment on the west side. On the west side Wednesday I have new colorist. I'm excited to try. Then how about 4

so Chels can come with blond hair? I'm in. Blondes have more fun. JK. Sorry, I forgot to include a joke but hoping the endlessness of the scheduling is enough of a running thing that it will still read. You missed one. You missed this one.

Not to be a blonde asshole, but my nephews are in town visiting and if I do hair and pod, that's a full day I can't hang with them. Adam, can't we do after kids' bedtimes or too late? Glad we went back to read that. Then I say, sorry, I forgot a joke

but hoping the endlessness of the scheduling will still read. Since my schedule is the hardest, let me offer the only times I'm free. Tonight, 5, 6 or 7. Monday, 7 or 8. Tuesday, 7 or 8. Wednesday, 10, 11. Noon, 4, 5. Thursday, 3. Friday, 7 or 8. Saturday, 10 or 11.

Then it's whoops, nicks those Friday and Saturday dates. Let's not make this a pissing match about who's schedule is the hardest. I can do Monday, 7 or 8. Tuesday, 7 or 8. Wednesday, 10, 11. Noon, 4, 5. Thursday, 3.

I can only do Wednesday, 11, 12, 4 or 5 because of promotional duties for my new film, Hot Tub Time Machine 2 opening everywhere, February 20th. February 20th is my birthday. My sister's birthday as well. This is epic.

Yes, I know. Happy birthday to your sister, Harris. And also to you, Chelsea. May God's green earth shine upon you in your time of need. So, Wednesday, 4 p.m.? I said Chelsea. You jumped on my line. Scott, go ahead.

Oh, thank God. I was so close to never speaking to any of you again. You left out part of it. A swear word, a swear word. No, I didn't. You left out a swear word. You said I was so close to never speaking to any of you.

What? Well, you said you called us something. No, I didn't. Okay, go ahead, Chelsea, you're next. Okay, then I go, Adam, do your balls inflate at any point in the movie? Yes, and that is why there is awards buzz. That's the end of that.

That's the end. No, I thought it went... Yeah, there's more. Well, Chelsea started a new thread. Chelsea started a new thread, which is... Oh, my God. That was pretty good. I thought that was a success. I'm glad we did. I'm glad we did, so we know.

I think it shows a little flavor, a little... Sure, it's like you wouldn't want to eat steak with no salt or steak sauce, right? Yeah. You wouldn't eat a steak without a one steak sauce? It's the best. Would you? Can I get an update on two people?

Yeah. People are dying to know about two guys that we talked about on the first one. Who? Well, we can't get into that now. We can't get into that? From what I've heard,

they're fine. I mean, they're getting by. They're getting by. Well, these guys are brothers? No, these guys are dating sisters. They're dating each other's sisters. They're kissing cousins.

So their... life's never been easy for Brian and the other one. Jack. But they're getting by. They're getting by, yeah. Are you sure we can't hear a little bit glimpse into their lives?

Yeah, can't. One line a person. All right, ready? All right, here we go. We shall start it with the traditional... Creek slam sip. Hey. That was it. That was it.

There's got to be more. Chelsea called it. Guys, I think that's just about it. I think so. I effectively feel how I feel at the end of every one of these. So I think we did our job. I think this is the worst one.

I think the scheduling could have gone longer. I'll be the first to say it. I think we could have read all the scheduling attempts from Scott over the last two years. I've been tenacious. That would have been amazing. Listen, the listeners can judge if they think it was compelling in any way.

Maybe we could put that together. You get one of your interns. But I would not call this farts in procreation four. I think it's a new thing. I think it's not farts in procreation four. That would be just too much of a ratings grab.

This seems like something where you're like, wait a minute. They're trying to distance themselves. I'm trying to get picked by Onion's Podmas as the best this week. I think that they want farts in procreation four.

I think that keeps us in the big leagues. Do they ever like any of them? They can eat that shit up, those nerds. No, they don't. I feel like Scott might not even release this one. He can't even make eye contact as we walk out. He's like, that's going straight in the shitter.

Hey, I release everything. That's what he said. That's what he said. Adam, no! No! He didn't say that. He did not say that. I really do have to say

that I was there and he did say that. See? You see? You bear witness to that? You see? Adam, I'm sorry. I apologize. When I said that he didn't say that, I didn't... Who's the best stand-up right now?

Harris. Harris, are you still doing stand-up? Yeah. But honestly, who I think the best is right now? I think there's a lot of good talent. I think this is like another renaissance. I do too.

But not just stand-up comedy. Comedy in general, guys. Get out there to those clubs. Dumb and Dumber 2 at this hotel recently had two huge laughs. What was the first one? One where I was almost in tears.

One involved a cat. A fethers? Okay, that was one. That was like a good laugh. Now, when I got crazed... Yeah, what was the craze? Alright, fine. We gotta do plugs, though.

In a conversation about the renaissance of comedy that led with Dumb and Dumber 2. Well, there's a whole logic to it. Let's go. I could trip out to this. Me too. I am. That was Twidley Fliggs with Pull the Plugs. Speaking of renaissance music,

mixed with a little something. That's true. You're calling out genres. What do we got? What do we want to plug? Of course, Parks and Rec. Genre-collar, Chelsea Peretti. Genre-collar, genre!

We have a series finale of Parks and Rec. tomorrow. Correct? Yes. Correct or no? The series finale. One hour series finale at 8 o'clock. And do you die at the end? What happens at the end? Spoiler forest.

There's just lasers. Just all lasers. Is there a big park at the end? And do people congregate in it? And have recreation in it? And Amy looks at the camera? What if you just turn it on and watch it?

Why don't I turn on the boob tube and turn off my brain? Turn on the idiot box? Tune out. You know what I mean? I do know. I turn to the camera and go, Parks and Rec. I could get used to this.

And then unzipper pants? And then zip them right back up. That's all I need to know. And what happens to your character? You're running for office. I get assassinated. Good. Like a Reagan situation

with a crazed fan of... A Reagan situation. It is set three years in the future. I get shot with a laser gun. Ronald Reagan kills him with a Reagan. Wow, that's amazing. Manly air money. That's like scoff.

Do you have anything else to plug anyone? Chelsea? I'm going to be playing a character on your show. When does that air? 2007. I can tell you actually right now. I can tell you the date. I'm excited for it.

I can tell you the date to a tee. I cut it down a lot because I was really... I'm actually currently doing it. You look a little guilty. I'm trying to extend it. May 1. May 1, guys. Let's see what he did with it.

You really made me break my one cameo season appearance on your show. Meaning the third season you didn't do a cameo? Did I not? No, you didn't. I made you break it. You didn't do one. Look for me, not Harris.

Meaning I didn't have you on. You didn't cast me. Okay, you didn't break your... Do you want to be on the show some more? Of course he does. I'm a fucking limelight whore. What do you want to do? I want to plug my...

First I want to plug my email address HarrisWoodles at gmail.com. And then I would like to come back as Bookie's replacement. But Bookie's left the show.

I know, so that makes all the more sense that his replacement would have to be there. In every episode. Adam is taking... No, what do you have to plug? You have anything to plug? No, you just did. Oh, I'm replacing John Stewart, sorry.

You should have led with that. I want to plug this Friday, the CBB television show. We have Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Seth Morris. Oh, shit. And Boku Bucks. And Beth Dover is in the episode this Friday. Oh, I love that. Hi, Beth.

This is a very special episode. Friday 11 p.m. on IFC, 10 central and every Friday after that. Let's close up the old plug bag. Do you have anything to plug? Don't take off your headphones. Don't take off your headphones. Brow.

That's a good song. Oh, that is a good song. That song's okay. Adam! Everything just takes so long. Adam's having a meltdown. This is what happens to me. I didn't want to read the email thread.

You are one of the biggest advocates for it. That's true. Literally bouncing in your chair. You're literally bouncing. Adam, you have to stick around and do ads with me, too. No, I do not. Son of a bitch. Thank you for having us, Scott.

We'll be back for Farts and Pro 5 very, very soon. How about not Farts and Procreation 4 2? How about Farts and Scheduling? The Scheduling app. I'll call it that, the Scheduling. Farts and Scheduling.

It's going to be called not Farts and Pro 4. No, this is a Farts and Pro. It's textbook. No, this is called not in capital N, capital O, capital T, Farts and Procreation 4. That's what it should be. The sequel to this will be not Farts and Procreation 4 2. Not necessarily the news.

And on that, guys. What a magical episode this was. You had me on that, guys. On that, guys, what? But... Oh, man. Guys, please promise you'll come back sooner rather than later. I hope to.

Any time you need, like, if you have a cancellation or just call me. We'll do. We'll see you guys next time. Bye. Okay, here we go. Creek. One time I said to a guy

that I loved learning new things. I'm a bit of an infomaniac. And he thought I said an infomaniac. And so he fucked me. And I said no, no, no, no.

I like info. I'm an infomaniac. He said, well, here's some info. You just got fucked. Clean yourself up. Now, come on, guys. You know I do watch a show. I'm having a little bit of fun with you, but... You had me at Come On, Guys.

Did you guys hear about that new deal where if you go in on it with a cast member from that 70's show, you get a discount on mustard and or salad toppings. It's a Laura Prapon, Grey Poupon, Crouton Groupon.

Slam. I've decided that I'm not going to get married until gay people can get married. Because I'm gay. Does anyone genuinely know why at a grocery store they offer a cashback option? Is that just to be nice? Cashback of what? How does that work again?

You know, you just buy food and they go, cash? And then, that's like the bank offering you zucchinis. Sit. Hey, great ep of that. That was like, that reminded me of when Mike and Omar would take out the trash when they were young boys.

Mmm. Good Eps. Wow. Wow. I think that instead of them trying to desalinize the ocean, they should just add pepper. Instead of trying to desalinize the ocean, they should just add pepper. Shouldn't this segment be called Harris's Twitter Drafts?

Well, it's just like the movie Synecdoche New York. Too many characters. That is the best joke I've ever heard. I've said, I've said it before and I'll say it again before, but I'll say I've said it before and I'll say it again, again.

Clever. I want to open a Jamaican, Irish, Spanish, small plate breakfast restaurant and call it Top Us The Morning Taja. Oh. I hate smoking sections.

Unless we're talking about the movie The Mask with Jim Carrey, then the smoking section is my favorite part. Um, where there's a will, there's a way ins. That's something. And...

Oh my god! You know how everyone says that you should, if you're going to get a dog, adopt it. All fucking dogs are adopt. No one shoots dogs out of their pussies. Unless you're Mrs. Brodus, Snoop's mom. I love all of our sub-podcasts.

Yeah. Who's all of our sub-podcasts? He's a conspiracy filmmaker. Uh, I'm not gay, but my asshole is. Uh... Wheat thens. Call me when they're wheat fix.

Give me that wheat! If someone is being egregious, call them egregious Philbin. Wi-Fi, because-fi. Uh, did I tell you I was in, I went window shopping in New York last week? You did tell me that, yeah, so you don't have to.

Oh, you're... Really interesting operation deck on there, down at Carl's. Also, we opened a sister store at Carl's Junior. It is. And what do you sell there? Lumber. Oh, okay. It is called Carl's Junior Burgers.

It is called that. Lumber Burgers? Jack, Jack, are you okay? Finn is strong. What do you got? I can't, I truly can't. I'll finish strong. Hey, Brussels sprouts and broccolini. Enjoy your 15 minutes.

This is a very unusual airy hood jam. I'm enjoying myself. That's because of this jam. It's good. It's funky. Hey, it's Harris, Colin from Heaven. Uh, it's pretty great up here.

Uh, it's beautiful for starters. Uh, Hitler's up here, however, for the vegetarianism thing. So, Colin bullshit on that. But other than that, it's pretty great.

It is very cloudy. Uh, and you said on them. So, that's cool. Oh, gotta go. Ice cream buffet. This has been an eWolf media production. Executive producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Ockerman. For more information visit eWolf.com. The World's Dead.

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