Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Holiday Spectacular 2022 w/ Paul F. Tompkins, Shaun Diston, Jon Gabrus, Lily Sullivan, Carl Tart, Jessica McKenna, Will Hines, Vic Michaelis, Lisa Gilroy, Gil Ozeri

Episode Date: December 12, 2022

Join us for that special time of year when Scott invites friends old and new to celebrate the Comedy Bang! Bang! Holiday Spectacular! Expect appearances from Obi Ron Kenobi, McGruff the Crime Dog, intern Gino Lombardo, social media expert Francesca Bolognese, basketball legend Charles Barkley, pop superstar Harry Styles, and so many more! Happy Holidays from CBB!

oh here comes trouble shave my butt cheeks on the double welcome to comedy bang bang thank you to Nels for smells for that catchphrase submission and welcome to comedy bang bang for another week special holiday week Silver Bells what's that? it's a Christmas song

Silver Bells? not familiar not familiar with Silver Bells introduced in the lemon drop kid Bob Hope do you know him? do you know Bob Hope? or the lemon drop kid? Bob Hope sounds familiar lemon drop kid I know lemon drop as a candy

okay well we used to have Bob Hope sorry Johnny Cash that's lemon heads we used to have lemon heads Mike and Ikes and Good Pletties now we got no, no

no plettie no lemon no plettie no good right? yep welcome to the show my name is Scott Ackerman

and let me introduce the person who I've been talking to special holiday edition of the show we have a great one a lot of people passing through but none earlier than this gentleman you just heard him speaking in fact I don't remember anything about him

please welcome back to the show Obi Ron Kenobi hey thanks for having me back Scott what a weird introduction I know you have we've met a couple times we have met a couple times I don't want to be that guy

but we've met before Atlanta, Georgia together I believe were we not? and also here where the big runoff election just occurred okay and we were there

and I don't recall anything about you other than you don't you don't know anything well I wouldn't put it that way I think that's a bit reductive I'm not really big on pop culture right popular culture

are you into unpopular culture? well I mean in a way I like nature clearly is not very popular in these days with the way we're treating the earth oh so you're sort of an eco guy I mean I care about it but are you doing anything about it? no

recycling anything? I recycle I guess like what do you mean when you say I guess I mean I'll put when the regular trash can is full then I start putting stuff in the recycling can okay that's not and you're putting the wrong stuff it's full it's full though

yeah okay that's a good point tell us again about you who are you? I'm just a guy my name is Obi-Wan Kenobi I apparently this is a Star Wars thing but I was named after my mother

right who's your mother again? well if I was named after her who do you think she was? Ron? Obi-Wan oh okay her name was Obi-Wan interesting

and her name is Kenobi as well? no she's a traditional lady she took my father's name I see okay her main name is none of your business I use it for my bank you use it for your bank? yeah

in what way? what way do you think? you go to the bank and you have it in a safety deposit box? okay man let me tell you something I like you okay I don't know if that's true anymore I do like you

and I want to be friends with you because I think you're a cool guy and I know that a lot of times the way why did you think I'm a cool guy? I mean you got a podcast? okay I have something to break to you everyone is a cool guy then I don't have a podcast?

that's true yeah you're on mine that's true would you like your own podcast? what would I talk about though? rocks? I guess so yeah you want to talk about rocks?

there's so many different kinds of rocks dude okay yeah never mind I was about to offer you a CBB present look because I love nature I really into it right? yeah in lieu of pop culture

I just said stuff never appealed to me but nature is like it's all around it's fascinating there's so many different you want to know the different kinds of rocks there are? sure I'll give you five okay? okay five different types

it's like thousands big little gray brown that's four under the ground under the ground

really? yeah everything's brown there when you get down there well that's I can't say it's fascinating but I appreciate that you have the breadth of knowledge about it you don't have to you don't have to say it's fascinating

you know what I mean? I'm not trying to be like a cool special dude I'm just me you're just you you're a boring guy who likes well I mean

okay I'm trying I try to like you you're in the middle of the forest trying to what? what? where do you you're in the middle of the forest trying to what?

what's your side thing? oh well I want to I want to heal I'm doing a lot of pagan stuff because I want to heal the earth right so yeah I don't recycle the way you're supposed to

but I am trying to call on the dark forces of the earth to heal itself of human beings right and when you say that you mean Satan no

aren't you a Satanist? no that's two other guys what I I'm like I'm talking about like druidism I'm talking about lay lines I'm talking about the

the you know the power of the earth itself Gaia sure mother earth yeah hey you're cool okay I didn't know you knew all the terms

mother nature yeah you know what I mean like when I was a kid there was this butter commercial oh yeah I was just thinking about it what I said mother nature and so here in the commercial this is like

this is when I got turned off to pop culture I think and I was like this is disrespectful there was like so this lady was supposed to be mother nature and then somebody made a margarine and she's like oh this is delicious butter and then somebody said we fucking got you

it's psych it's margarine it was the original punked yeah and she said it's not nice to fool mother nature but then she did not call down the power of lightning right

she did not open up the earth and swallow these people yeah we saw margarine to this day yeah it's unfortunate isn't it yeah it sucks it really did have you ever even tasted margarine oh I've tasted it for experimental purposes

for experimental purposes I've tasted many foods many really is there a name of food uh oh boy uh bugs have you tried bugs okay we're not at the I'm not going to name hot dogs

everyone's trying hot dogs we're not at the bible okay people eat bugs all over the world that's their fault so you have not tried many bugs from nature you're challenging me to name a food and then you make fun of the first one

we started with margarine you went to bugs okay what's in between margarine and bugs to you can you figure it out what's in between the honey yeah I've tried it see this is not hard

alright I have had enough of it but what if you get to one that I haven't tried this is like you're trying to stump me we don't have time on this show to do that candy canes have you ever tried candy canes what do they look like it's like a hook

you know it's like a cane it's literally in the name a cane first you go hook then you go cane they're not called candy hooks or sandy hooks they're like a little cane that a cat would wear if it had a broken leg

a little cane that a cat would wear if it had a broken leg okay you're making out like I'm the problem alright so you've never tried candy canes we've hit on finally I have seen them I didn't ask you if you've seen them I'm sorry

I don't care about things you've seen anyone can see things what if I've seen a UFO okay have you seen a UFO well no but what if I haven't okay well you haven't you've seen normal regular everyday things that no one gives a shit about

wow man wow I don't want to be your friend when you called me up and you begged me to do this show a special holiday show it's stupid what's stupid about it baby Jesus the rest yeah

I mean the idea that look some babies are cute right sure but to start a whole religion about them I know well it is strange it's like the beach boys and surfing it's like I have hobbies too but every song I've heard about these guys

and I'm like first of all that name is ridiculous beach boys I live at the beach you happen to be at the beach occasionally so what is it like because they love the beach so much I guess they but I mean if they really were to break down their time

why are they called the music boys if they like the beach more than music I'm not going to listen to the music I go into the record store I see the beach boys I go I mean I'm interested in people playing music I don't have to listen is there a band called the music boys there should be we should start it you and me I feel like our religion is a shaky crack

back on track the music boys okay so music what is what what is a big part of music that I should know you probably should know the basics rock and roll Elvis Presley

chubby checker which is a play on Fats Domino and show me checker the guy that sang with the fat boys at one time so you know that I've heard of the fat boys okay you have that's a song that I heard in the pharmacy one time the twist or the fat boys fat

boys whatever what that's one of their songs that's their first single what so music is basically you name yourself some kind of boy and then that's your whole thing and then you sing about that I love the beach I love being fat I'm a beach boy

look at me I'm a beach boy from noon to three is that what what yeah is that one of their songs one of their most popular songs they go to the beach for three hours and they call themselves the beach boy the map does not add up I hate these guys

I hope I've never seen them well we're gonna get into the studio at some point promise me that we are studio well I mean the recording music recording are they different they're different studios yeah do they decorate it according to what kind of boy

you are sure they can yeah it's like with the Beach Boys record there's like sand all over the place yep it's it's like that actually is not too far off I do believe the Brian Wilson had sand in the recording studio was he one of the boys he was one of the boys yeah he's one of the Beach Boys one of the biggest members of the Beach Boys

they're ranked by size yes who's the smallest one Brian Wilson number one with a bullet Mike Love maybe that's all mmm 49 I think as a lover of science I know that small he has a big hat though he has a baseball hat

does that give him some height it's not to cover up that he's bald certainly not it's to give him another foot and a half what is it a specific baseball cap I don't know if he's famous for it he's well no I'd say it's more famous for being one of the Beach Boys

who's the most famous hat guy Napoleon who like had a specific hat Lincoln number one Lincoln okay I mean no one else has ever been able to wear that hat anyone does they go you're wearing a Lincoln hat you're saying wait you're saying some people wore the Napoleon hat and they're like

hey that looks good on you well some people could wear the Napoleon hat and people go oh you're French but no one ever goes you have the Napoleon hat you're saying that the Napoleon hat is more of a French thing than it is a Napoleon hat yeah like a French army thing

even though we call it the Napoleon hat do we call it the Napoleon hat or are we just calling it the Napoleon hat do you call it the French army hat come on dude I think there are smarter people than us who are calling it the French army I don't like you dude I want to like you this is part of my problem with you is we should not be at odd

so much just from these minor transgressions but I mean you're a mean guy I'm a mean guy you say mean thing fuck off there we go I don't want to talk to you let's bring out our next case well speaking of nature

that's from the law speaking of nature he's part of nature he's a dog which is one of the animal kingdom and please welcome him back to the show McGreff the crime dog hello Scott hi how are you it's great to meet you

wait you've met me before I met you you've smelled me I've smelled you I shot in your backyard I said can I use the restroom and then you kept doing the podcast with Anders Holm or something and then I walked over to the court and I said take my leg a little bit get into position

drop a sick little doggy turn right here you know outside is called the doggy bathroom oh I did not know that really all of outside all of outside when you guys say I'm gonna go outside I go I'm gonna go to the doggy bathroom what happened during caveman time oh be Ron I'm talking I'm saying this is a sound science fact right there

doggy bathroom I feel some tension here hey this is Obi-Wan by the way this is McGreff the crime dog first of all this is wild to meet you isn't it talking dog yeah cartoon dog you got a trench coat on he's a cartoon that's the other party that's right he's drawn which is very

weird like who framed Roger right but situation Roger rare bit that's right who framed Roger Norbit now that's a single IT oh hell yeah so like you're the crime dog you do crimes oh I don't do crime that's the big

misunderstanding oh you are crime no no I'm not like that it's a crime that you're you exist I'm here to warn I mean technically yes I am the laws of nature so I'm here to warn children about crime oh yeah

and you know the holiday season is a heavy time for crime is there a lot of crime I know there's a lot of depression and stuff no crime there's a lot of crime really there's a war going on outside no man is safe from well I don't know what that is it's a reference to a rap song I say it every time about the show

okay I guess I've never done it that's what a blacklist it is is it the war against Christmas no no no that's some bright wing bullshit no there's a lot of crime happening Scott and I'm here to warn your kid I thank you for having me on so early oh of course yeah we have a lot of young

listeners yeah and a few black listeners as well a couple of them some are in this room some of them are on the show yeah I want to warn the kids out there about crime Scott there's a big crime that I've been noticing every Christmas oh what is this Santa impersonators

Santa impersonators that's right do you mean the people on the street corner who have the bell those mother bells that's right those that's who you're talking about the guys in the mall asking people to sit on their lap and get tell them what they want I don't know that they're asking for it they're begging for it as much as the kids one

sounds like someone I know okay someone who's asking for it who's begging for it oh okay you're talking about me now yeah do you guys just want to fight I'll give you one punch and then I'll have two hits you hit me you hit the floor

wait I hit you then I hit the floor to get down to say I hit you wow this is reminding me a lot of my undercover work I went undercover at the Michael Vick dog fighting ring oh he did really I had to train for years to fight I watched a lot of dog violence there

and I'm not trying to see that again so you brought in Vic wow I brought him in wow now let me tell you about these mall Santa Scott okay yeah now kids if you see a Santa tug on his beard if it's not a real beard here's what I want you to do I want you to say oh Santa

hey how's it going you know what I want for Christmas after they tug on the beard you gotta play it cool now you're undercover kids okay Santa say hey Santa this is really cool you know what I want for Christmas a PS5 and you know what my mom wants for Christmas wants you to come over and fuck her

you give them a time and date a time and a date how far into the future are we I don't know five six days don't be too thirsty okay because they'll know something's up really so it's that night that's right they'll they're gonna know oh they're on to me

they know they know I'm being a fraud how young of kids should be saying I want you to fuck my mom any kid if you're old enough to say the sentence I need you to help me stop crime just real quick I'm up to speed yeah Santa's the red suit guy yes you don't even know Santa

I'm clearly I do he said yes the red suit guy could be anyone like who wears a red suit daredevil who's another red suit guy Eddie Murphy Eddie Murphy Eddie Murphy and Rob I don't know what you guys are talking about that was for the black listeners

hey even I got that come on Scott you yeah you could come to cook out we've talked about this that's right and we talked about this is the dog allowed to invite people to cook out that's a good question sometimes I'm not allowed a dog who's kind of a cop that's true and by the way

what are you trying to say I'm out here serving the people alright okay so you tell Santa hey come to my house fuck my mom five six days five six days later give you enough time to set up a series of traps and then when he comes to your house

I want you to say hey Santa come in my mom's upstairs she's really horny what is your mom doing in this oh you gotta send her on a little send her out send her out so like a fake sweepstakes or something I'll tell you what I find that a lot of parents are sort of

implicated in this Santa thing they're saying that Santa's at the mall oh this goes all the way to the top which is your parents so when Santa comes to your house trying to fuck your mom I want you to lock him in the closet and how do you get him into the closet my mom's in the closet and oh baby

she's so horny who's the series of traps who's the series of traps for oh the series of traps that's just in case he brings a reindeer so if he comes back up I need you to have some traps the fake Santa will bring you this is the trap of fake Santa

who will who doesn't come and have sex with the mom but also brings live reindeer you'd be surprised you gotta be ready for every situation I would be honestly when you are going undercover you gotta be ready for every situation every situation now strap him to a chair

oh ok strap him to a chair in the closet in the closet so you've trapped him in the closet but then you gotta open the closet put him in a chair what if the fake Santa surprises you and goes you gotta chloroform his ass and he should be wake up strapped to a chair and then you wanna put a towel over his head

start pouring water on him so water board? and start asking hey Santa tell me what you've been doing tell me what you've been doing Santa and then once they confess I want you to send a letter to me scruff mug rough

what's the address? this is a bad time for you to forget they have Santa in the closet chloroform well what's confusing is the address is a name oh that's true I'm always like what are the numbers no it's scruff mug rough Chicago Illinois 60652 scott

so they get Santa to confess they write a letter to you what do they do with Santa after that oh well you gotta hold him there you gotta build a little bit of a cell how long does it take you to get back to him well the postal service is kinda fucked these days because basically you know what we're doing

so it takes like I don't know 6-7 weeks I don't know that that's a long vacation to send your mom away on that's a good point scott maybe I need to rethink this whole thing what about an email address that's running away in all the traps that's true and look hopefully the reindeer

dead you're skinning them eating them for years put them in your meat freezer so you're saying I should get an email what if you live in an apartment you know I look I don't fucking have all the answers I'm just gonna warn you about the crime but you're also saying that you're the solution to it

that they should write you that's true and yeah get an email address then you can be there and how long does it take you to get from Chicago wherever the kids are do you think well it depends sometimes I don't get to I'm not able to buy a ticket for a plane because they're just like a dog can't just buy a ticket

so they want you in cargo they want me in one of those you know stew crates crates and they put me under the and a lot of dogs don't make it out of there they put you under under the plane scott under the plane under the plane

yeah it is dark there I cannot park there under the plane there's another crime that's right scott are there more than two crimes or is this the final crime oh he's allowed to name crimes but I can't name rocks

you name five he's only named one crime I don't beg you to name five rocks so we're equal on the begging then you know what fair it up I like you I like you again yeah we're friends all right we're good friends all right this crime's good I don't know I feel like you guys are gonna kill each other

maybe can I have to take one of you to jail oh no this crime scott let's say you wake up it's Christmas day okay your family I hope that comes true so what are you saying like I've died my sleep

okay for you yeah that's true you don't look that healthy what's that that's pretty obvious why are you saying fuck you because I've had it what's happened to you in 2022 this is fucked scott all right you wake up Christmas day

your family's gone family's gone that's true that's true maybe it's the rapture it's true that you think that maybe it's the left maybe it's the leftovers you walk around you say where are my parents

and you go I've got the household to myself I'm basically describing home alone scott right yeah if your parents and that's a crime yeah if your parents leave you at home alone who committed the crime the parents or you that's right it's the parents scott it's the parents okay got it so here's what I want you to do

so if you've been home alone yes what should people do go to the airport sneak past security look this is the part it's like those it's like when they give the recipes on great British bake off that have no instructions you know like how do ours people

I say pay attention to all the details and then I say sneak past security I'll give you one detail tiptoe it helps make sure you're not doing the noise yeah you don't want to do that noise but tiptoe past security I want you to get on a plane and I want you to fly

to wherever your family left you to and then I want you to go there and then I want you to buy a gun scott okay find like one of those you know one of those gun shows where you don't have to do a background check it's very easy to buy a pistol right yeah hopefully it's the weekend where a gun gun shows are like weekend

things totally that's not like weekday that's why they call it the freaking weekend oh that's right I want you to buy a gun I want you to find your parents and whatever hotel room they're in and I want you to bust through the door and I want you to say get in the ground mom get in the ground dad I want you to lock them in the closet

more closet it depends yeah get some chloroform just in case but I don't know where kids are getting chloroform by the way I don't know where I could get chloroform all you gotta do is go to my website scott so you have a website you don't have an email yeah I do have like a contact B

section of the website but I don't check it okay that's the email I don't want to tell your job but you should tell kids to take the ironing board out of the closet because that those closets and the hotels are oh yeah okay remove the ironing board and remove the hairdryer put your parents in the closet maybe waterboard them a little bit

okay and then I want you to send a letter to me yet scruff my gruff Chicago Illinois say it with me Scott 606 I don't know the numbers I'll find my email address I think my email address is scruffy doggy

69 scruffy doggy 69 horny for the weekend gmail.com and the weekend I'm talking about the singer oh horny for the weekend yeah that's right scott he's hot he's sexy as hell scott okay but you're a dog I mean

you should be dating other dogs well yeah but we all we all know that of course I divorced Lassie a long time ago oh that's right yeah cheated on her with a lady and I got did you lady in the tramp lady we've talked about this yes have we is my mind going to exactly the same

question that I but maybe I'll give you a different answer maybe I'll give you a different answer I put one little like thing a spaghetti and a vagina and then I ate all the way to okay and then I just fucking went to town that's a different answer I think it might be I love eating

pussies guy how about McGruff why are you so pissed all of a sudden it's a great time of year it's a great it's a wonderful time of year it is filled with cheer but you know I mean I don't appreciate you coming on here and talking about cunnilingus right before the holidays I'm a father

now okay well what if you give your wife a Christmas that's the only thing on her list I forgot you check her list twice I only checked once it's crazy Scott it is crazy you're you're saying that like you have

something else you want to say I could also go into another crime briefly go into one other crime Scott if you see any reindeer games going on and I think reindeer games might be with like Ben Affleck is robbing a casino or something right if you see that happening put him in a closet waterboard

I'll call you yeah everything all the other stuff it's pretty easy okay good I'm glad we went back for that great me too thank you McGrath it is McGrath yeah it's not Scruff McGrath what is the Scruff McGrath about? Scruff McGrath was my little assistant

that I used to have and he was supposed to be the one to relate to children of course he was killed in the line of fire KIA? yeah that's right Scott that's right we were leaving Michael Vick's house he was doing the perp walk

so he was leading Michael Vick out that's right Scott and Andre Ryzen one of the Atlanta Falcons shot him from from the house across the street you said you can't be taking my quarterback for me oh my god so Scruff is dead I honor him by letting that address stand

I'm so sorry well it's wonderful to have you it's wonderful to have you too Scott you and Obi-Wan here can commiserate I gotta say we're great first guests for this show you really think so we and Obi-Wan we come in

we've established that it's Christmas everyone's happy this is great I know who Santa is you know who Santa is you know who Eddie Murphy is now another red suit guy we haven't explained that to him alright I'll explain to you the break

you don't have to alright I would like you to explain Norbert though I gotta be honest I don't even fucking know he was like a nerd or something he was a nerd and he grew up with someone I barely remember the plot

I remember seeing it you know what Eddie Murphy movie I like the one with the white guy 48 hours trading places I'm running out of white guys Steve Martin never thought I'd say that oh Bowfinger

it's a good one I love when he runs across the highway and then he says Laker Girls Laker Girls? yeah he exposes himself to the Laker Girls and I gotta say that I love he's wearing a trench coat you'll have all trench coat movies

Inspector Gadget Bowfinger I will say trench coats got a pretty bad rap somewhere around the early 2000s well yeah sure anytime you see a trench coat nowadays someone exposing themselves you don't do that right what?

well look dogs expose themselves all the time that's the thing it should be illegal my little doggy dick your little lipstick it should be illegal for dogs to be naked so what are we supposed to do we have clothes I think so I mean you're already wearing the trench coat you know my dick look like a candy cane he doesn't know what those are

I'll be right I was trying to actually I have a better conception of it now because doggy dick is natural doggy dick is natural doggy dick is fun doggy dick is best when it's what I want well McGrath I keep trying to know it from you

hey well you know what can I say I'm an interesting guy Scott I'm an interesting dog and I did want to tell you my entire life story from the beginning okay yeah I'm not into that so first I was what's going on over here and levels sound good

whenever you're ready Scott we'll just get ripping on this it's holiday special or we'll have to call this the Christmas special what the fuck's happening over here call the Xmas Christmas special whatever you want to call it we've been recording for 10 minutes already would you call your country a cunt what?

I don't know I heard that once at Nassau Community College I'm frat bro I'm in disarray I'm sorry I was late there's some lady in the interns in disarray? interns in disarray there's some fucking I'm in Marina Del Rey in full disarray I went outside

and there's one of your receptionist is lathering up her crotch with peanut butter saying McGrath is here she's gonna have a hell of an amp in this oh shit and now I know who she's referring to I thought I was in a take on me situation for a second because of McGrath?

oh because he's a cartoon yeah and I've never actually seen a cartoon IRL as the fucking kids say you know TRL IRL I'm sorry I'm such a high stop happy holidays to you I'm an atheist okay what do you care then

because I'm a capitalist oh all right Christmas is the fucking capitalist holiday of the fucking year yeah you must be very happy during this season I'm so fucked I'm getting so much extra work shoveling snow that I'm making fucking money hand over fist I didn't know you did that for all the time

well guess what it pays more than fucking working in the podcast industry okay you're kind of a tiny guy out there shoveling snow it sounds like that'd be difficult for you I do I have an elaborate system where I bring those you know those pocket hand heater things I buy about a quarter million of them a year in the summer

in the summer when they're super cheap and then I bring them out to win and I throw them out on people's driveways and I'm like five six hours I'll come back here and you know squeegee the water off and you're Gucci wow how many does it I mean it must take hundreds it takes about 200 well you know these fuckers on Long Island they got

these big ass lawns these big ass fucking trucks everyone's cosplaying as a fucking blue collar guy everyone's like yeah I'm a working class I make 285 grand a year owning a dealership and it's like is that what new Long Island Scott for fuck's sake

my friend Jesus Scott I always forget that you know where it is come on if you're ever in Manhattan have you heard of that I think you go on like six week Broadway vacations there or whatever and fucking blow the guy at the TKTS booth for a fucking

extra ticket so you're blowing guys and you're not licking your wife's pussy you're not licking your wife's pussy Jesus Christ okay we should oh sorry we should put some peanut butter on there how are the buffs my levels just exploded in my ear there for a second oh sorry I'm trying

to adjust the buffs I'm trying to adjust the buffs you almost killed me sorry I'm super fucking excited I had to fucking take an UberX here from Long Island it's great you haven't been on it it was great to see you I've been fucking broke from Long Island yeah I wish I could have taken Uber black but they have no fucking cash

I lost it all in the fucking Long Island crypto crack oh no I didn't know about the Long Island specific crypto crack oh yeah yeah of course you didn't because I fucking sunk all my retirement money and every elementary school teacher's retirement money no

Judd Apatow did this commercial for a fucking crypto company so I thought hey if a celebrity is doing this I gotta get on but you know the commercial was two and a half hours long and you really only need to be 30 to 60 seconds but it was indulgent but funny at some part yeah

sorry who's Judd Apatow is he like a guy that people I mean it's hard to explain he's a Long Island guy he's a director but somehow he's famous yeah he's kind of he's an auteur if you ask him you know

and I don't know how else to describe the guy he was the writer of heavyweight but he's a trusted source for financial plans on Long Island look it's anti-semitic but yes we trust him okay don't carry Irvin out of here okay I don't hey look

I'm from Long Island I've been to 200 boss mitzvahs I fucking get it okay I'm cool Larry David also did one of those commercials oh Larry David because that's the thing because in the commercial the one Apatow directed they got me hooked Seinfeld's in that and he's like you can with this crypto

money with blockchain no one keeps track of what high schoolers you're buying plane tickets for and it was like all this fucking yeah no you didn't see this commercial I didn't see that one I guess it was airing during the islanders preseason you're not watching the islanders combine where they have like the little

high school kids competing different I don't think I did no it's called skate putt and pass and they skate and pun and fucking pass it's wild you should check it out I should check it out you should check it out because you would have seen this commercial but I'm glad you didn't because you probably have more money than me because you do all the work in this podcast

so you got clearly printing money you're really coming out swinging you know I don't come off in nine months I gotta get it all in I'll see you guys next Christmas alright I know who I am now I'm like that fucking uncle that divorced Grant then you only invite over for the holidays oh come on now you've turned me down several

times I know I'm built I'm fucking broke dude you know you get fucking you got a guarantee from the owner of the amityville horror house that if you bet on their blockchain NFTs you can get a ghost voice NFT delivered to your phone and use it as a voicemail

well I never fucking got it fucking quarter million dollars that's a shame I'm so sorry I lost a quarter million dollars from my brother-in-law's retirement fund he's a pediatric oncologist he's a what a pediatric oncologist it's one of the

most depressing jobs in the world he's awful to be around oh so you knew about that it's not a pop culture thank you very much this guy's up to speed he just got here do you know who the good I was listening to the levels on the drive over because I got an email from someone

over yeah I have the level set up because I need a remote record because somebody gave everyone plastic wrapped candies for the audio recording do you know who the good doctor is by the way Obi-Wan there's only one

Zaeus that's bad news he's an orangutan and his name is Zaeus an oncologist I need a longer finger I've always said that this is the one time it comes out to be in like a medical conversation and not just in like a you know

garage situation well Jeno I'm so sorry that you've lost all of your money I mean and you had none to begin with I know I lost 22 credits at Nassau Community College they took your credits I realized they could I was pressing it pretty hard I had won the credit

I had put some credits in Powerball hit on that on a small one so you were going to graduate I was so close to graduate all I had to do was take some dumb art class but no I fucking blew it and demanding on being the nude model

and then getting hard I'm so sorry Gino what gave you the if you don't mind me asking I think it's because I have a performer's background that the idea of being nude in front of people you know I don't think it's the performer's background are you sure then what is it because I like to just

like I was up there and I were like hey hit a pose for us so I hit him with the M.M. most muscular if you're a bodybuilder you know what I'm referring to sure of course of course it's like back that double lat double delt of course you want to hit that double bye you can get the frustration of the track set you and I are probably yeah we've been training together you're it's wild squatting with you

it's squatting over here we have to keep training we have to keep moving the fucking pins up and down this guy's fucking yacked up on creatine demanding phone calls for Shark Tank Shark Tail 2 and Shark Tank 2 I just want to be like a Gallagher 2 kind of situation

with Shark Tank where I do my own I know I listened to that whole pitch for Shark Tank 2 and it's just Shark Tanks and there's no I went on Shark Tank to pitch it I know this is so confusing they were very insulted Mark Cuban almost bat you but your good thing he didn't because he fucking ruined

the haunted hay right here in Los Angeles so glad he didn't ruin that true that is fucking true it went downhill since they got capital investment from Mark Cuban why do I know that because I'm out here every October acting in a haunted house because it's part of my internship here at Ear Wolf or Stitcher

or is it Raytheon yet I'm not quite sure what it is so now you're going to have to start over with all the credits I have to start over I'm technically a sophomore again which is good for me though because then I could pretend to be dumb at the bar and shit like that oh that's true role-playing purposes I'm like I'm just a sophomore you've been on this show for now eight years

or something like that right yeah it's been ten years ten years it's also another ten well yeah well who knows hopefully I can because I'm going to take some night classes oh good yeah and I'm going to hopefully you know get a minor in like flail and shield and

I'm glad you continue with that sentence after I'm going to get a minor oh yeah yeah I'm going to please last time I fucked a coal miner I nearly got fucking as best as long from this guy coughing in my asshole so much I you know what I mean

exactly what you mean thank you you know about that it's not I take care of my health I go I have regular checkouts for everything how regular once a week once a week once a week really you get x-rays every single thing once a week I go

once a week for that once a week for that okay that seems like a waste of time well I will 150 years old you look fucking amazing this is a new information Obi-Wan holy shit I'm only five

but that's like almost 100 35 yeah and cartoon dog use yeah oh my god old as hell it's preventative medicine oh okay okay now that you took off your glasses you I see it you definitely are a very old I never never touched my eyes

never done anything my eyes they're really haunting those 150 year old eyes they just keep receding back and back and back in there so chalky the things you see I mean you were talking about things you've seen before but my god yeah everything you've seen with those old ass eyes they look like Betty Davis's

they do like Betty Davis eyes do you know what that is no no one said that phrase but you what's your name? Obi-Wan yeah this is Gene Lombardo

Robonon Robonon is a screenplay I wrote about an Italian grandmother whose dies in a horrible accident comes back and they rebuild I've given him a lot of it more of a commentary on capitalism and the Detroit drug addiction I've given Gene a lot of notes on it

he refuses to take any of them wow yeah you keep saying it's too broad and I don't even know what the fuck that means you just ground it you cut out all the women characters at one point yeah well it got a little too broad for me and I don't get broad humor

I got titties they bounce lol it's pretty funny after I said it I was like that one's actually good I know as you went to your notes app I'm just a little still pissed off because Schumer fucked me

Chuck and Amy what happened see I didn't know it was them when we I had consensual sex with Chuck and Amy Schumer in a sort of incestral polycule type situation but what I was referring to is they fucked me because they were big in the ad too they were like and we

I put all my insight Amy Schumer residuals in this crypto fund and I was like residuals on that shit man see this is what Jay Leno doesn't do because he doesn't even spend those I know he refuses to spend this tonight he doesn't put those into crypto well he's invested

here's something I won't be doing what is that okay I thought that was a side build he doesn't use banks hey I'm all crypto, I'm all blockchain no use banks, Kevin use banks that's what my uncle would call him well Gino

I'm so sorry you're gonna have to be here another 10 years to graduate but we're happy to have you I was wondering if I would get to ride the podcast industry all the way down I wrote it kind of halfway up towards the end there and I'm ready to ride it all the way down you'll get to the end of it

the last podcast will be it's gonna be unfortunately someone who we like now and is very right wing it's gonna be like Randy Snutz or some shit maybe a guy named John Gabriel that guy, he's one of my favorite comedians that guy is from

and there's something fun about liking a comedian that you've actually never really seen do comedy it's been about nine years and heard the guy talk about stuff that's kind of funny how would we ever have seen him do comedy it doesn't have a special he barely books stuff

well he does have that great show he has 101 places to party before you die which is on HBO Max right now I saw it on HBO Max the other day yeah, formally it was on true TV so you had to have been in a car accident and woken up in a hospital where it was currently playing what happened to a few of my friends

but now it's on yeah well luckily thank fucking god they did luckily John Gabriel was able to not hear anything about a second season due to corporate mergers is what he keeps saying on his podcast interesting, well it's a great I told him that I unfortunately

watched one of those episodes the night before my colonoscopy when I had to be fasting and it drove me crazy they were eating such delicious stuff and I couldn't have anything he recommends watching it during the night it was supposed to be a sight you have a picture in picture

it's a picture in picture you've seen the show I heard they were doing that for the second season where him and the dude from all those one season comedies the live action sonic guy he

he fucking this dude is gonna fucking he's gonna get us colonoscopy cams while we eat just to see all the damage they are doing all the blood that we're gonna see the blood blood in blood out

like the crypts I get colonoscopies like 4 times a year 4 times a year I love that Twilight sleep is the best you're getting more propofol than Dr. Conrad Murray he gave a lot of it away to one guy

are you familiar with this guy Wacko Jaco Wacko Jaco he was from Wacko Jaco I don't know either of these dudes that's just a reference for the black people that look white and they listen

well Gina we need to get to our next cast please I didn't even mean to talk this much have you poured the waters? I poured a few waters I unwrapped everyone's candies for them we don't have to eat them okay

alright who are you some sort of YA author put that shit down let's get to our next guest she's a she's a social media expert she's here to give us tips about social media please welcome back to the show Francesca Bollinais

Jesus fucking Christ I am not a social media expert I do not give tip how many times I have to tell you I'm sorry you give advice advice about social media I don't give anything I guess I know about it what's one tip

that's not why I am here one tip about social media don't fucking be a fucking idiot he's still talking B to us he's got the no chap out again for this one I'm so sorry you're so sick I'm not sick what are you doing I'm so sorry you're dying

I have no idea what you're doing I'm so sad that you're almost dead you're not sick I'm not sick no I mean people have said I don't look all that well today why do you look like that why do I look like what I don't think I look like I'm dying

I'm so worried for you alright nice to have you we need to get to our next guest I don't know I just got here yeah I know I don't know what it is with characters these days asking if I miss them I don't miss my guests

when they're not on no I did not I barely remembered you were alive until you showed up here today I bet you miss me so much I miss you too it's been such a long time I feel like it's been since last Christmas

us Ginzo's only get together on Christmas she's like a wacky ant wacko jago you're like my big son thank you we're one foot tall I can't tell because in a Thanksgiving special

not a lot of people have heard but you stuck to it I got in a lot of trouble for staring at a woman's breast so I'm locked into your eyes I had no idea you want me to do my stand up for you my stand up routine I have a titties oh shit holy fuck

are you a comedian I am a comedian on the side oh really I didn't realize that everybody here is a comedian on the side I was in Chicago you've been to Chicago I owe theater UCB

I do all the comedy I was an arrow team are you jealous god you never made the team I never made the team I auditioned every year I never made it I'm so sorry for you maybe that's your whole thing why you're so bitter I don't think

every guest that you've had on this show so far you've insulted them not Gino Gino and I have a great relationship if he comes to the ring he's going to get fucking knocked out that's right we're working out every single morning so we have a bond we're training we're doing fucking

fenn fenn recreationally we're gonna crank and creatine I got him on windstrolls and d-balls some 80s steroids Halloween we had so much fentanyl November 1st it was great we went out together collecting okay so what guy that you're not here with out of four of you

why is he so funny and these three are three of the most obnoxious people I've ever had I don't know when you you used to be chill I'm still chill dude you turn prickly I have two guns

I am a chill dude but you introduced me by saying I don't remember anything about it well I didn't I'm sorry you don't have to say that out loud it's rude I have to say it out loud otherwise people will say well who is he why is it Scott telling us anything about him

maybe you're not the guy to host this show maybe not look guys you think you are guys look I mean I couldn't do worse let's try let's see I'm not dying guys so what do I do this happens around the holidays there's a lot of tension I feel like

by the end of this episode we should all just be in a better place there is a lot of tension during the holidays let's just calm down okay we're fighting with our family just let me host for a little bit okay well let it all be Ronald's okay here we go we're gonna like start fresh with

like we're bringing in Francesca okay okay Francesca don't try not to be such a bitch do you get it no Scott you're yours this is right if you're hosting the guy who's not hosting is supposed to be undercutting and ruining it as much as possible

at least the last couple of times I've come here picked up on the pattern so let's see what you got alright let's host bitch you should listen back to me sometime why is he so fucking freezing in here you can't afford heat wait I haven't introduced you

welcome back to podcast and we got another great guest in addition to the two great guests we already have and this lady she comes all the way from another country and she's very interesting and I like to hear all about her because I love to hear about people wow please welcome Francesca Bolognese

hi oh my god that's so nice to be here with a beautiful intro absolutely Francesca how are you today how are you doing I am so good I am saving Beb Beth and Beyond all by myself Beb Beth and Beyond that's a company right it's a company where you can buy

towels you can buy dishwasher you can buy other towels what's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you Beb Beth and Beyond some stupid fucking piece of shit came in on me I have never been into Beb Beth and Beyond

I have never been begging me where are the deep doves I said I don't know we don't say that here please please tell me where the deep doves are I said I don't know do you have any pieces of shit I can eat

you should be doing this to the whole shut the fuck up this is a good interview don't go to the bathroom please I am so hungry I need this shit to eat wow is he the worst customer you have ever had yes he is one of the worst people

I think on planet earth but I love him and he is dying we need to help him please pray for him you are kind of the hero I am the hero this is my cause

I want to save the planet I want to save sad people even like a Scott Ockerman what do you think is the biggest threat facing the planet today and don't say Scott Ockerman I think it is podcast it is a virus it is a disease

this is super boring does anyone feel like that this is very but two people agreeing with each other come on I have been trying to figure out how many dimensions McGruff is this entire time I am fucking confused that is what I was saying

he has got a little bit of depth around the crotch right around my little lipstick you are like the width of an animation cell that is right I got to say Obi-Wan that was some incredible interviewing hey thanks man that was some great questions I felt like the mood in here was very chill thanks

that is what I try to bring to podcast well you are not successful because you are kind of an asshole Jesus weird mixed reviews because one guy said I was great and then you said I was an asshole yeah wild interesting how two people could have two different real interesting

that would be a 50% on rotten tomatoes which is not good not passing okay well we will see do you know what rotten tomatoes is by the way I know what a rotten tomato is it is a website it is a tomato that is not good anymore

Francesca how would you rate my interviewing skills what a transition I give it a 92 it looks like I am doing better than I am not doing good so I am great and you are the worst no 150 plus 92

is 242 divided by 3 is 80% which is still not great 80% is not great not according to my parents it is a huge majority 80% gets you a full ride to national community coverage

when you say full ride what are you talking about the dean lets you sit and spin I thought I was the horny one Francesca I got a question are you a horny guest now what is bedbathin beyond during the holidays so right now bedbathin beyond is in a very bad place

nobody wants to shop there nobody wants to eat there they got food there they sometimes have shit you can eat so what I am doing is I am revamping the whole situation to make a bedbathin beyond very cool very cool place to be

and how do we do that I think my idea is I make it like you know when you go to a very nice LA restaurant and the hostess is a super fucking big bitch to you that's what I do at bedbathin beyond I like that when you show up there

and you go oh I am sorry I guess I misunderstood what your job here is at the restaurant I thought I was allowed to ask you questions maybe how I get food or drink from you at this establishment exactly yes but these beautiful fucking women just love staring at you going are you I am sorry

you came here to get a fucking bite to eat gorgeous woman big fuck I mean if you are a big fucking dummy that's what it looks like they are saying to you I am a little creep so I am used to it in a different way they tell you know they usually they are like a brunette woman but her eyebrows

are bleached you know that kind of vibe very big pants very big shoes very small jacket tiny jacket long fingernail she says to you I am so sorry she has a top hat and long stringy hair

and she represents depression right she is very rich but she works at a restaurant oh that's not sorry I got too confused for a second that's what I was thinking about but yeah but they are the very similar vibe have you ever been to a restaurant Scott

yes of course I have been to why are you including me I thought I wasn't hosting I feel bad for you you are dying I want to go to one last restaurant are you imagine your make-a-wish was to sit in on this podcast you are sitting there rooting for your

leukemia to pick up speed alright let's start mystasticizing wrap this shit up wrap this shit up I dropped my scuba tank hey let me

ask you Francesca is your goal I love it is your goal to make the community hub where everybody hangs out that's where the real discussions happen absolutely my goal is to make it feel like a very cool club

where everybody you know you have to pay admission you are lucky that you are there everyone is so cool you should just sell drugs there is a dehumidifier nearby there is a bunch of candy canes

sometimes they sell I know what those are what are they if a cat were to I don't know if I can say it on the podcast I mean I'm not as filthy as you guys are candy canes but you should just sell drugs that should be the beyond

now hold on it's gonna you what Francesca be cool he's a cop I love dogs and hate cops I'm in such a weird situation here you don't want to pit the law

I don't know I'm creeped out by that expression ACAB all cats are bastards he's lying on his back he won me rub his tummy be careful he's got an extra quarter dimension I like to get very low

do you work with the police or are you like a vigilante well I do work with the police I am of course as legitimate as Herschel Walker is to have one of those honorary bad you're like shtia the shithole law man

yeah I've got one of those I like Shaq you know I work with the police how many people is Shaq arrested let's see Shaq well he broke that backboard one time I don't know if he's arrested anyone but he smashed a bunch of backboards wasn't he the guy who pulled over Tiger

when he was on all those pills Tiger Woods when he was driving on them pills I thought it was Shaq that arrested him Shaq pulled him over and said bitch get on the ground is Tiger Woods the guy with the bleached hair Jesus Obi-Wan you're thinking of Tiger King you might be thinking of Tiger

if you're thinking of a guy with bleached hair you might be thinking of Tiger King of Tiger King okay I got three names I don't know how well Guy Fieri he's a guy Fieri

he's a man Guy Fieri Francesca have you ever met Guy Fieri he is related to me you know he's Italian oh so everyone Italian is related to each other everybody Italian know each other cousins that's why we saw each other last at the family reunion we have to give each other

a free sandwich it's an Italian culture thing if you see someone that's also Italian you have to give them a free sandwich even if you don't work at a deli so you just carry loose sandwiches I mean I was already I have a whole bag of full whole little rollies

I got Gabagool I got Superside I got fucking Peugeot I got Galamad what do you mean I got Balsamic a very age of Balsamic I love it I got a Tempranillo that'll fucking rip your tits off thank you so much Francesca if I may

yes what I didn't know how are you going to achieve this well first of all I have a whole team of people I take all the employees from a bed bed and beyond and I get them to come to my training program where I dye their eyebrows

I put them in a big pants tiny shirts I teach them how to be kind of act like they never met you before even if they have kind of give you cold shoulder in the green room kind of behavior this just sounds like the way you normally act

is there a class what shows them how to pretend like something's happening on the iPad in front of them that's one of my favorites it's like I can see that there's nobody sitting anywhere in the restaurant but you're really swiping through a bunch of things on the POS exactly so when people come

to bed bed and beyond it's like excuse me whoa whoa whoa hang on a minute let me see if we have anything available for you to see that and visible behind you is a real amount of towels so many towels literally all towels full of hair

now I think I'm doing a pretty good job I know I also like to elsewhere I use it for waterboarding if you remember oh that's right and then you say I can get you in and about 55 to an hour and a half shit is this working it's working so well

the buzzy things that we put in our pocket we wait in the parking lot till the buzzes no that is a little too tacky for me instead of what it is you have to come and you have to check in with a host periodically maybe 55 minutes later after you see some other people slide in and get tables pretty quickly

exactly someone more famous and do they get increasingly angry every time you check in absolutely but they get very passive aggressive like this they'd be like let me check yeah okay so it's still going to be like 35 to 45 minutes

30 that's too long that's way too long I don't see how this can work hey look I'm sorry like it's not me it's just like our policy but you can go sit do we have to vape out there it seems like everyone's waiting has to vape

for some reason if you want to get in I just want you to run it real quick by a simple human step trash can please just go in there and do that no I'm so so I know exactly what I want I know exactly where it is no

sorry yeah no excuse me I work in law enforcement I should be able to get a table yeah we love cops when you say get a table you mean buy a table oh yeah I need to buy a fucking kitchen table we don't sell tables anymore but we do sell

you can get a bed table a bath table but no kitchen table yeah we do have bath tables big bath tables anyway you get what I mean look how effective you begging to get into the store oh please let me get in I heard you Scott oh please I have to eat the shit

I'm not begging anyone oh I want to eat the shit you do an incredible American accent thank you so much has he ever asked you if there's any head tie at the bathroom beyond oh my god every fucking day he called me he called the store

I haven't had a head tie yet no we don't sell fucking head tie Francesca I guess I'm just upset because this is the holiday episode you did not bring me any Christmas gift of head tie oh Scott no but I did bring you a gift because I knew you were dying I am not dying but what did you bring me

I bring you these are big a piece of cheese this is not that big of a big I mean maybe 10% bigger than that for Pecorino Romano that's a pretty big fucking piece brother how much does it cost me how well what a dollar

three dollars oh okay well thank you because three times the amount you thought it cost all right man you're something else you're lucky I get wheelier I get wheelier in the big thing of Parmigiano Reggiano by my cousin

and I caught you a tiny little sliver of my bed when I sleep okay I appreciate that I really don't want to be eating anything that you're sleeping in though you are Scott's not interested in eating anything okay yeah

as established earlier in the podcast I'm talking about Pussy well Francesca good luck to you during the holidays I don't know whether this good luck to you shut your mouth and don't dig it please

you're gonna pray for me is that what you said I'm praying for you try eating pussy it would keep you alive longer look at Michael Douglas it healed his throat cancer I've been alive as long as I've been alive so it's keeping me alive as long as I've been alive you've never heard of that right

I'm laying traps now about Michael Douglas who who wasn't it tongue cancer is that what you're gonna say what never mind well we need to take a break if that's okay

thank god we're gonna see what that peanut butter crotch out front is all about not if I don't get to it first may the best man win sure he's a male when we come back we'll have some exciting

guests coming up I have no idea who they are but is anyone you can all stick around right nope Obi-Wan too bad oh really so have I the air is not so good to hear anymore we need to repair our relationship okay I love you

I love you too all right we're gonna take a break we'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this comedy bang bang we're back unfortunately Obi or fortunately Obi-Wan Kenobi had to leave we did patch it up though we told each other we loved each other it was very emotional

I have to say the holidays a lot of emotions just get stirred up you know I mean sometimes families fight you're damn right Scott you have a family don't you you must come from a big litter I've got a bunch of brothers and sisters bunch of kids we've talked about this before I've been on Mori many times

that's right on his leg he says hey nice doggy but I've got some paternity results and then he says you are the father I do a dance anyways and then I get out if you got the dance in the chamber you gotta pull the trigger on him

you know when Gino was leaving Gino had to go too Francesca's still here yay we're all happy about it Scott you've missed me so much did you miss me during the break I don't miss my guests but yes I've missed you

oh where is she I'm so hungry for shit it might be easier if you just talking about American accent you were doing earlier so what's easier to understand is that we actually I can't keep it up that far I'm sleeping back into my

oh man yeah you lost her right there yeah you can't lose it we have to get to our next guest are you a sports fan McGruff I love sports Francesca I love sport what's your favorite sport

I like volleyball okay well you're gonna be very disappointed I like the georgia bulldogs I like watching the very tall women hit them all so hard at each other boom boom bang bang titties flying titties flying

well titties sometimes fly with our next guest he is a basketball legend and he is currently one of the co-hosts of a TNT halftime show inside the NBA please welcome to the show Charles Barkley

what the hell you got me in a dog in here sorry this is McGruff the crime dog every time I'm around white people it smells like dog sorry I am a dog what is this McGruff is a cartoon dog though you should smell more like an animation cell

yeah that's right like paper and fucking ink also Scott gave everybody a little bag of shit when we get here when I was coming in the postmates guy was with me I said why is there food that you carry and smell like shit who's ordering that I got an order for Scott

I said I don't know no Scott I forgot that was your name be nice to Scott he is dying I'm not dying damn I wanted to kill you have we ever met before Charles I don't think we have Scott we met one time in Phoenix in 1994

and we went out to Ruth Chris steakhouse I don't remember this 1994 you got the lobster and I got a well done porter house I think I would have remembered we both we split what's the call when you bite both ends what's the movie lady in the train

he talked about it earlier he did that to lady I did you did that to lady in the train I don't want to get into the details but I put the spaghetti spaghetti in a vagina and I hit to it those are the details oh sorry I've done that many times in my life it's an invigorating experience

Scott what the hell is this it's a I don't even know how to describe it it's a podcast which is like radio but for more tech savvy I sound stupid even Scott you sound stupid don't say that

Charles the NBA season is underway what's going on right now how you feeling about the season I can't stand it I can't stand basketball you hate basketball ain't nobody good enough anymore ain't nobody good enough and all these people running around saying stuff about the Jews

and I don't know what's going on I mean that's really only one player everybody in the league always talk about the Jews this is news because we've only heard about the one guy and I can't believe it idiots Scott what the hell is this

it's a podcast I'm sorry it's like the show you do Scott like to have people on that hate him and we scream at him and then somehow he feels satisfied at the end that's some horny shit right there that's a cake Scott's cake is having people insult him

it's a very kinky stuff for him the only way he gets off the only way he gets off Scott takes out that mangledick Charles we've just met you're gonna fit in just great Charles isn't the all-star game on Christmas or something

no I don't know what to ask that doesn't know anything about the basketball I know about basketball though can you tell me what it means when somebody do a front slide back swish oh I'll tell you exactly what that means it's like somebody's been living with a basketball lover

a frontside black a frontside a frontside black swish there's a frontside black swish and a frontside back swish frontside back swish something it's a travel and a frontside black swish

is the electric slide on the floor I know about that you've done an electric slide dog why you got on this long overcoat I do the cha-cha slide electric slide, I do all the slides look at your ears, your ears are so floppy they flopping around unless something happens

or I need to hear it and they go whoop they come right on up who let this dog be a police how do you feel about the police Charles me? I love the police I back the blues how do you feel about the canine unit it's weird right

dogs badges I respect all police I back the blue and I back the wolf good to know basketball the most orange ball in sports not a good question

get everything back on track me in a hall of fame and he's asking me what's the most orange ball in sports what do you want me to ask you Charles I have a question for you what does it mean when somebody do a back holding a jump shot back holding

is when you mix basketball and football together I would like to see that that's actually a sport I would watch Scott you're so kinky you're very kinky do you like when people yell at you I actually am not enjoying not Charles

what do you do for the holidays okay here's what I like to do I like to stick four turkeys in my big ole oven how big is your oven I have two why don't you stick one giant turkey in your oven will you find me a giant turkey Scott and I'll cook it

but as of now I stick four big ole turkeys in my oven and I cook them up I brine them I inject them with lemon butter lemon butter you brine them while they are cooking in the oven same time I don't brine them before and I cook them for 24 hours

low and slow that's too low so they're straight up like a soggy you take them out I cook them on 75 the bones and everything just melt into a big turkey soup yeah so it's delicious

my whole family loves it Scott you should come over this year everybody's inviting except you dog you gotta eat outside hey I understand what can I say well it's wonderful to see you at Christmas even though you and I have never met Scott why do you keep forgetting about the time

in 1988 in Philadelphia when we reigned the Liberty Bell together we were chased by the cops I sort of remember that we were chased by the cops I said catch me I back the blue now Charles I got something for you please I know recently there was some controversy where you were

describing the women at the San Antonio arena oh man are they fat no no no we didn't want to re-get back into the controversy I was hoping to give you an opportunity to maybe apologize I'd like to apologize to the chairs that they sit in

this ain't right Scott this is what you told me to say yes I'm looking at your script as you gave him Scott you gave me a list of talking points maybe I wrote some jokes for you did you have a punch up on this video I have a question for you

do you eat the pussy yeah recently Steven Smith was asked this question he was very embarrassed first of all that's private number two yes I brined it for 24 hours slow and low

you add the salt water it sounds like it stings so bad ow ow ow you ever have a guy eat a taco dinner finger you it's a fucking burn you're crying to go to the hospital

and he's like did you like it no I didn't fucking like it it's burning me you gotta add that to your stand thank you most of my jokes are like this my teeth my teeth so bad

oh you talking about volleyball gosh you like volleyball I love volleyball tall women hitting the ball each other the titties bouncing are there short volleyball players I've always wanted to there should be

illegal there should be you know different leagues based on height well yeah I could play I would be very good yeah the one foot to two foot league but I can't get my serve over the net oh they would lower the net oh no

what do we play on like a pickleball net even a little lower oh okay yes I would love that that would be fun I could compete you could be my coach I would like that be in a position of power over you it's weird when we agree yeah it is strange

make me feel a little strange I'm gonna try to do that anything you say I'm gonna agree what? Charles we need to bring on our next guest okay and someone who's maybe more famous than you impossible I think it might be the who would you say are the people in the world

who are more famous than you right Charles Barkley right you've just listened yourself twice Conrad Murray Dr. Death Dr. Death and Dr. Oz alright

who I voted for I know that's not true because famously Charles Barkley once at the UCB theater told me he doesn't vote he said well who cares about that that was before Dr. Oz was on the back first time you ever voted he's doing good things in the world

telling those women in San Antonio how to lose weight this is what you put on I apologize he's highlighted in everything we need to get to our next guest we've talked to him once before I believe

I don't remember where it was but one of the most famous people in the world pop superstar Harry Styles oh god you look lovely you look lovely wow oh god yeah

oh beautiful dog two and a quarter dimensions oh yeah look at you turn to the side McGrath oh come on yes he turned to the side and disappeared does anybody else feel like we've got a glitter filter

on this room there's something so magical so sparkly it's all of you I like this guy he's changing the energy he's completely in here he for sure is the pussy I know it oh yeah dying on it buffet style hometown buffet style

oh just buffet style meaning a bunch of different pussies just multiple rounds of eating one thing yeah well could be there's salad pussy main course pussy and dessert round of course

is that if I always take the guy so long to find what you know the main course what are you trying to say not in my experience you don't think that's good I think that was that slate edit now Harry I saw

that you were just in a movie called the police man yeah yeah I'm trying movies not the right time especially since you must have filmed that in 2020 it's weird the thing about me in acting is I just thought I'd sort of you know walk on through

yeah didn't really go well no no that's alright we're not all brilliant at everything oh we Scott I just thought I'd walk on through you've tried two things two movies no no I mean singing and acting you've tried two things you're really bad at what

well no three things singing acting and nail polish okay I would say Harry's house well and design Harry's house oh you have your own business I didn't know we had a little pop up oh alright how were the sales great brilliant beautiful

what's the quality of the nail polish excellent doesn't chip better than a gel Charles would you try a nail polish hell yeah I put nails all over my nails hold on what I love that yeah I could see like a topi sage on you

a topi sage give me candy apple red you got it yeah sexy you commit you commit can we can we touch noses who is this boy this is uh do you know one direction who which way did it go

I guess I have no other way do you know any direction any direction up that works I like it no I'm not gonna say Antonio around okay I'm just saying what you told me to say I'm so jealous that this man got jokes Scott I'm sorry

I didn't fax your jokes over but I don't like them jokes that make me nervous I prefer to just you know be sincere and look people in the eye can we touch noses why is that no this feels like this is on the mouth what do you actually like

everything well here's the thing Scott I like everything a little bit can we touch noses can I touch your nose with my finger you touch my nose with your finger just a little boop here we go

that wasn't your finger it was my nose it was my cheeky nose what the hell is going on here sorry Charles I'm just here to say that you are beautiful man and I there's something about your height that's so majestic 64

absolutely have you ever considered a high-waisted pant a high-waisted pant I can't get that above my stomach I have to keep please let's get some trousers on you mate let's get some trousers on you mate your pants are way too tight

maybe a little double breasted no no a little jacket on top a small small jacket I like to see a double breasted jacket exactly a big pants very very big a pant big shoes tiny jackets

you get it love don't you usually Charles is the opposite right that's what I like to wear anyway your last name is Barkley and you're not a dog hell no damn dirty dog

this is offensive Harry I see you have a French manicure very cool that you play with your sexuality like that I love it I think he's pandering yeah and you know what I love that you know what I love the most about that is that it sparks a conversation right

and it's a dialogue and ultimately just like more right Harry you've been on the show twice and you have not said anything of substance the entire time you have nothing in your brain you're a vase what does that mean I'm a vessel

I let everybody else put it in me but you know what what the hell is going on don't we all need sorry sorry I'll put it away don't we all need vases I mean don't we all need vases in this world Scott don't we need little things

little buds little flowers little bugs the buttowels you're talking about a towel you'll put a bunch of towel in a vase in a vase yeah thank you so you like Harry

I love a Harry style I'm obsessed with him do you like his music or his personality I like that he I'm the model I'm the catalogue wearing the big pants I choose Tony Jacket I like that he

make me do his accent when I talk to him it's just a very merry Harry isn't it it's just a little bit of his season love and like yeah what else yeah come on hey what if I do you know that the lighting changed when I look at you now really

yeah absolutely what do you work well I work he's a social media expert yeah you do and what's beyond for you love I love you Harry go down on me and I will and I'll love it

wait you haven't had a taco meal have you no no never never put anything with spice on the digits have you ever had a sex have I ever had sex no I only give it love you give sex

it's the time of the year it's the season right it's the time of year to give do you give McGruff of course I give my all to the police oh no about that mate I don't know how do you what do you do for the holidays Harry because that's the question I've been asking every one of the guests on the show

thank you McGruff I appreciate it I like to go back to all my old teachers and give them big big thank you baskets and then make their houses look like snow globes Harry I can't tell if you're like the least interesting person in the world or just a total scumbag I just don't like

I don't like the whole facade Scott why do you get so nervous around me I'm not nervous I just I want you to be real I am being real I'm not being real I just want you to be yourself I am myself Scott always let's everybody strut around the room

no no one wants to strut around the room I strut with you yes ah ah yeah use what I'll say the young hot lady want to strut and let that be a lesson you know who he called me young the beautiful one over here

the one foot tall I'm sorry you probably haven't even seen her it's been tough I've been hearing a voice I've been asking questions all the time yeah and I've been answering them I can't see nobody I just woke up oh sorry were you you were napping during that last second

I was napping before I came I'm so sorry to wake you up I didn't wipe the sleep on mine well Harry are you up to anything I mean your tour your tour is just wrapping up love on tour do you know my favorite thing about love on tour

is posting little photos of me the day after where I look like a little deer yeah that's your favorite thing my favorite thing is seeing the beautiful fans of course Scott of course seeing them come out from all over but what about the love of the music that you're creating

does that not have any connection to you do you even like your songs oh yes your music for a sushi restaurant Scott where else would you listen to the sushi restaurant before me wrote a song music for a sushi restaurant music for a sushi restaurant

and what I love about that tune is that I say what it is I guess that is a genre that needs songs fried I gotta agree won't you try tempura mate have a little bit of a like a gateway

over to the beautiful sushi a delicacy a beautiful yellow tail a beautiful uni do you remember that time in 1983 when I was playing basketball at Alburn University and you came down and watched me play and we went

I definitely don't remember you forget all these times that we met each other yeah I don't remember any of that his memories going let's take a minute to give Scott the prayer he is dying I'm not dying everything's alright Scott do you want me to sing over you

music for a sushi restaurant music for a sushi restaurant here's what I'm thinking look I feel like we have no idea who the fuck you are in real life someone's gonna need to just like interrogate you we're gonna find a new layer you need to be waterboarded

you get me in a room a gruff and you're gonna see the reality and I promise you it's just this promise you all the way down it's big ok waterboarding ok here we go I'm putting a towel over the head music for a sushi restaurant I'm able to sing music for a sushi restaurant

oh I miss Nile ok nothing's different and I think that might be scarier he's got nothing inside of it I'm a boss I'm a boss no you're just empty alright well Harry it's great to have you here can you stick around

of course Scott we need to get to our next guest he's an artist a lot like you oh beautiful lovely oh yeah this I can see it right now yeah he's a young adult novelist he's never been on the show before a lot like Charles here new friend we've known each other for 50 years

please welcome to the show for the first time Henry days say let me just apologize right off the bat Scott for what you're rolling in here with my scarf and my sunglasses and my hat and my big old coat don't worry about it I'm just a little chilly

you look a little like McGrath over here with the big old yeah I kind of do yeah so I just want to apologize for rolling in here look at a little weird so I'm sorry I'm not looking weird I just don't want to seem closed off because I am open as I'll get out I am an open book no secrets I'm a young adult novelist

I'm just here to promote my holiday themed work that's coming out and then let you guys get back to your business well it's your segment I'm almost done you're a young adult novelist I mean I'm not a young adult I was wondering because that's what I expected and when you walked in here I was like

oh this guy is like between 50 and 60 okay yeah unfortunately you're dead right but um yeah I write novels meant for the young adult market the YA market how does an older gentleman get interested in writing things for kids

you know I mean I think that the genre has evolved even though it's called the young adult market a lot of adults actually enjoy YA novels and it's just sort of shorthand for genre fiction short sort of action oriented not a lot of internal

landscape stuff just let's get to the fun stuff and actually a lot of the characters in my books are full grown adults so I'm not even sure of what I'm writing is technically YA well tell us about your thank you so much my book that is coming out it's called Santa Runs a Maze

it's a maze runner Santa Runs a Maze Santa Claus is in a dystopian future where in order to survive he must successfully run a maze faster than a lot of other full grown adults and he fails to run faster than and they're all competing separately

or there's a team that's competing together there's like a relay and again Santa there's a relay and he's the runt of the team and they hate him because they're like you're a fettled man there's no way you're going to be good at this relay doesn't he have magic powers though can't he

I mean he gets around the world yeah but he's hiding them because the government executes anybody with magic so he can't reveal why did they arrest him then jaywalking frankly you want to build a fence thank you

decriminalize it in California hard for you to I don't know just the crime dog it's just fun to walk around saying what you are you're like I'm Henry the YA novel that's how I introduce you that's what you want in a museum sure on a talk show it makes sense but just in conversation

don't worry about it Harry Styles Roz and baby dear I wanted to know what happened to all the presents sorry what happens to all the presents Santa is running a maze what happens to all the presents they stop and nobody knows why

because he's been doing him in secret nobody knew that it was Santa there's no presents on Christmas day I see no presents are delivered no presents are delivered because Santa's not there to do it he's busy trapped in the what day of the year does this occur on weirdly March 1st it's such a good day

well it's in the future Christmas has been shifted like it's an alternate world so the main character of this young adult novel is Santa Claus one of the oldest called Santa Runs and Maze you don't meet him until about 200 to 300 pages oh ok

it seems like if I were buying a book called Santa Runs and Maze I want him running that maze on page 10 that's why you're an amateur and I'm a professional that's bait I'm luring the reader in so who's the main character the main character is a young girl named Sally she's a 12 year old she builds the maze

she's a genius architect does she build the maze in order to torture the people who are running the maze does the government kind of against her wishes to build mazes to torture people does she know what's real or is it like what's that other one you know

the Matrix Truman Show Divergent no that's where the kid is doing what he thinks is a game but he's actually doing military stuff yeah that's what they say have you seen Goodfellas

that's kind of what you're talking about right you're Charles Broccoli right yeah that's Ryan who are you Henry the YA novelist oh ok I'm an author and don't worry about my sunglasses my scarf my hat everything's great nobody's worrying

why are you wearing those if you feel you need to apologize for it I don't need to apologize for it and I just wanted to make sure you guys are alright with it we're ok with it but why put it on I'm very uncomfortable by it actually yeah do you mind taking him off I'm an amoeba alright what the fuck

I am a single celled organism oh shit and I have wheel powered myself into huge size and into an authorship alright you got it out of me I'm one cell alright look here I'll take off my sunglasses I'll take off my hat I'm just gonna blob

I got no eyes alright relax I still think you're beautiful do you want to touch noses I'm so sorry you can touch your nose to my mitochondria ok yeah 3 2 1 boop have you ever seen hollow man

Kevin Bacon is that the invisible man one yeah that's what he reminds me of he takes all the bandages off and stuff yeah just anybody with bandages to what end did this happen you were an amoeba

thank you for asking I was an amoeba and I was bored frankly it seems boring and I was like you know what I'm gonna pull myself up by my bootstraps I'm gonna work hard and become a more complicated being

and you know what it worked I believed in myself yeah I'm a huge fan of America I don't think my story could happen in another country I agree and I wheel powered myself into what I am now which is a fully functional large

amoeba who can write books great books this is what you wanted to do you've grown up wanting to be a novelist I wanted just to be a a more capable creature more evolved more evolved creature yeah somebody who could move around of the world and interact and do more things

than what amoeba normally does now I gotta be honest this sounds like a better premise to a book than the whole senate the senate thing sucks I don't know I like the senate thing better than this premise you think we've gone backwards with this one now I don't quite know what's done to you

I'll be honest I wasn't sure whether to bring it up I think everybody's wrong I'm equally interested in how a big amoeba with a coat and scarf could have a butthole and a mouth that are maybe the same thing

and also I need to know does Sally become friends with Santa or can you not give it away did you help? Santa awakens in Sally we're interested in the plot of this book I still got some amoeba questions but I'll save it let's do one for you

so Sally becomes friends with Santa well yes Santa can sense that Sally has a heroic nature inside of her cause he knows that she's good he's got the list can I play an audio nice it was a really bad idea

named the little girl Sally and then you also have a Santa who has a name that's a great note if you were writing it in final draft it'd be screwed I tried to adapt it to a screenplay one of the main notes was no characters

at the same first initial and I was like shut up just reading it it's like sad if me and amoeba can keep track of it I think you can keep track of it amoeba question become this sort of fake man

be going on dates I haven't been going on dates I've been going on two dates where I'm bundled up and then third date where I reveal that I'm an amoeba they're never interested they go right back to whatever we were talking about before alright back to the book

is Rudolph involved Rudolph is a character at all I normally don't like to give spoilers out when I'm doing press for my book but there is a late appearance from Rudolph like a Han Solo no I'm interested so you're a Rudolph fan Charles

oh a big Rudolph guy Rudolph's not even mentioned for the first 500 pages and then it's revealed that he's been a political prisoner and Sally and Santa break him out and save the world this is rich, Henry I have a question about you frighten me I'm sorry are you gonna kill me

no no only kiss you only if you want it your body swerves around so much your eyes remain frozen in place Mavars, Mavars you could put anything in me actually if you need to be in me you're welcome to

you know I could hold you what the hell is going on I just want to know if there's other characters I can't have sex cause then I'll split into two oh that was an immediate question beautiful, I'm just offering my services to be sort of a male form for you if you'd like it

wait are you trying to say you want to act in the movie version of this I don't think anyone wants that I could walk on through another movie I could walk on through another movie I'd love to have you as Santa Claus in this movie yeah I knew it Santa will get out of the maze how's that

terrible very sexy alright amoebu question you're pretty fucking smart for a single cell thank you so much have you checked to see if you're not more cells at this point cause I feel like you have yep I go twice a year to the doctor

cause I'm hoping, I'd love to have more than one cell that's a goal for me is to become a multi cellular organism but nope, still one cell second part of the question, can you jizz second part, this is a separate question I know it's the same question, can you jizz if you tell me how that's the second part of the question

how many cells I have I will answer it alright I have a question that's both otherwise you gotta wait a turn I have a book anime version as long as it's book you're allowed to go there's pictures in this book yeah I thought so there's a little 75 page

digression where we zoom in zoom in to the mind of an amoeba that is resting on the skin of Sally and because the amoeba is on her skin can tell that she's getting tense and uncertain in her role working for the government and that's how we know that she's about to turn

rebellious these sounds a little creepy like you want to be on the 12 year old skin is everybody who speaks in this room get accused of pedophilia at one point in their interview it's pretty hard to avoid I gotta say is pedophilia in the eye of the beholder or in the creepiness of what's being said

welcome to the holiday episode if you smelt it you're deltid you smelt it you deltid but pedophilia style no I don't think that it's creepy for an amoeba to like being on a can I ask a book question okay so the government doesn't like anything with powers but Santa has powers

are there the tooth fairy is also there the tooth fairy has been executed the Easter Bunny has been executed most of the other holiday mascots this is a lot like the garbage pail kids movie garbage pail kids is the only movie I've seen how about grimace

what about grimace Charles is wondering about is this a book question or an amoeba question I love grimace can you grimace the mouth is full of shit eating his little baddies stop eating food

stop eating in the middle of your question everyone else I didn't want all that shit to go to waste at the postman's guy it's not that bad Scott I see what you're doing I like eating shit too I'm a dog don't let this dog in here did you forget your question

I don't mind living on it grimace is he in the book because an amoeba are you sexually attracted to grimace yes because grimace looks amoebaish grimace sort of looks like one big cell and it looks like the women of San Antonio ok Charles

you read it it's great we almost forgot well I have to say Henry this is fascinating stuff the book I think the book sucks I want to know more about you this is more time than I thought I'd have we do need to move on to our next guest

totally alright but stick around if you can and put the clothes back on I look a little better scarf, sunglasses, hat, hang on coat, I'm ready let's get to our next guest she's been on the show before

she's a teen foreman please welcome to the show Susie Tuman oh hi Scott thanks so much for having me back good to see you Francesca has to go what's going on here I had to go my Parmigiano Reggiano

my ride is all loaded up I had to take it you need me to say goodbye you're going to miss me I miss you I love you hey Francesca can I come and just eat some pussy eat my pussy

yeah we're not allowed to ask guests if we can eat their pussies any more than you know last time I'm out of here my pussy is covered in a spicy salsa

we'll figure it out outside Scott I'm going to go if you don't want me to talk about it my gruff no stick around hey Susie how are you don't make it Susie she's a teen girl no it's okay you can ask me no Susie I got a question for you what do you do for the holidays

okay my gruff alright you didn't ask Meebo over there yeah but I was so fascinated about the I appreciate the Meebo question that's a great question sorry what was your name my gruff that's a great question my gruff listen if I'm being honest by day

I'm just a sophomore at big town high school I'm trying to pass algebra I'm the treasure of my JV basketball team and you know just hanging out trying to get my crush to notice me but who's your crush again didn't we talk about him oh no he's old news it's Jason now Jason really and do you have class

with Jason or yeah I got three classes with Jason not that he'd know so anyways by later in the day I'm a teen foreman of a non-union construction site non-union construction site yeah so you should join SAG they basically these

you hire these people off the street is that what it is and off the street off of Craigslist oh okay so you know it's just one of those things where we take sort of advantage of people really needing the work right now do the union crews ever come by try to bust down the site oh sometimes yeah don't worry

we got a way to deal with them what's that school is hard that's what I really wanted to talk about is Candy Graham time during the holidays at the holidays and it's just so hard it's stressful yeah it's very stressful

Candy Graham's again that's where you buy them and then someone has to go to one of the classes to send them to your crush who runs the Candy Graham table and she hates my guts why that's a great question because I fired her dad oh shit

yeah he was getting too talky during the lunch break hour understandable that's pretty brutal yeah yeah it is but you know it's just business so you know it's just one of those things where I'm trying really hard I'm trying my best and that's all I can do you know yeah no it is I mean this is a tough time I disagree

you can you can do better than your best more than who you are don't settle for the hand that you were dealt you can become another creature or the hand you weren't dealt well I sort of do that too you know I sort of become someone else yeah you strive above your station

if you're bossing around a bunch of construction workers yeah thanks Amoeba do they ever look at you I mean you're a slight teenage girl do they ever kind of gang up on you and say like hey you know why are you our boss there are some examples of some of them

in what way well let's just say there's a couple of them in the foundation of the new Cincinnati hospital let's just say you just confessed a murder that sounds like a crime I winked so it doesn't count I like this girl that's true in the court of law if you wink you get off

by the way that was more of a blink well I'm working on it so they can't even talk on their lunch break that's fucked up do you know how many candy grams I got this year I was talking during the lunch break if I may that's a one time thing candy talking

if I may Harry what do you have to say oh I was just going to say you know it can be hard sometimes when you feel like you're not getting enough candy grams but my advice would always be make sure you're giving more candy grams than you receive

are you about to kill her who's doing weird thanks Harry Styles I'm such a huge pal thank you music for sushi restaurant I love that one thank you and of course you do it's my ringtone when I wake up

oh that's lovely thank you for starting today with Harry music for sushi restaurant that's my candy grim to you I'm actually working on a song oh are you can I hear it you want to hear my song don't steal it Harry my co-lab

okay ready here we go okay I got lots of friends and with my crush I want to swap spittle there's a bunch of guys buried in the foundation of a hospital okay hold on hold on you didn't blurt that one but it was a song

so I can't tell if it's a real crime I'm working on it for my creative if you sing something is it not a confession lyrics are not admissible in coordinates oh that's right I read that yeah it's a work of art it's a work of art you can't say to a book that the amoeba loves being on the skin

of a girl that's too young for it that doesn't mean anything you guys brought it up call it back to somebody else's Francesca's back would you leave something here yes my phone

behind you do you want us to call it Francesca what's your number so rare that I see a human smaller than me do you want us to call it you think you have it somewhere well we're all looking around she's only one foot tall

she's got a tiny phone we're never gonna find it your phone's as big as you bye now little girl I've got a question for you now you spend a lot of time at work do you think maybe if you weren't working so hard you'd have more inroads with the kids at school

well I don't spend so much time at work I make sure all the guys have five hours door to door now what the hell does that mean I just make sure that by the time they go home and get and clock out at the construction site calling Francesca's phone they gotta be back in five hours I give them a solid five hours

it's a tiny turnaround that's not enough sleep that might be a bit of a risk for you love you know they might end up getting hurt on the job if they're not slept no they're not gonna get hurt because of that we're cutting a lot of the rebar with aluminum that's how they're gonna get hurt

listen I gotta confess something I did maybe the worst thing I've ever done in my life the worst than burying two people in a foundation yeah the worst than that I sent Justin a candy Graham from Nevaehah his crush but I said something really mean

to make them mad at her hold on Amoeba you're freaking out over there that's very low in Amoeba culture you'd be exiled for that kind of thing oh man well I said I want to be friends and I actually think that Devin should have gotten the lead in Les Mis

oh no what did Devin actually play? yeah there's a lot of leads you can play Gavrosh which is sort of a junior leader that's a real demotion we could have the conversation about Javer vs Jean Valjean you didn't play 24.601 no no no he didn't

he didn't get to do the confrontation I was really excited about have y'all seen Medea's Family Union okay I love that oh I've never seen we were talking about plays weren't we I understand I feel really bad about the candy room and I don't know how to get it off my conscience

carry any advice I would say you're already there you already spoke it into the world that's the first step and maybe just try to have it inform you going forward maybe maybe give your crew another hour of sleep

this is terrible advice could I suggest something I'll be one of the construction workers you work with and you're telling me the problem because maybe if you put yourself in the mindset of where you're an authority figure you'll have an answer alright who are we you're other construction workers

we're just construction workers give us some variety let's say Harry you're churning the cement Scott I don't want to work there say you're an OSHA guy code inspections

like I'm working in the construction okay you're a one man band busker on the corner okay that's perfect like Bert from Mary Poppins okay and you're British too Scott you're a British one man band this is more fun now Charles Broccoli you're going to be

an eccentric millionaire alright he already is looking to an adopted child am I British as well but how about what if you're deep Canadian look into an adopted child I'm sorry

back story is so rich you're so talented thank you so much you're going to be let's say that you are a mayor who has been cancelled for his tweets and he's mad about it

can I still be an animated dog you're still a two dimensional dog and I'm a construction worker and I'm still the four men you're looking for advice on this situation from these people that's right because this is where you're an authority figure so if you're in this situation

you might have the confidence to know what to do okay alright we'll try it hey what's bothering you shut the fuck up are you making eye contact with me right now get back to work your lunch breaks cut your fire you're right I do feel better

excuse me man two shots to the forehead oh shit that's crazy I'm from Canada are there any children in here to be adopted children to be adopted

huh I am a teen foreman do you have a mother and father no I don't I just have an uncle he runs a sort of off the board scam modeling agency well if you need a parent I can be that for you right and and I'll cook you

all types of different salt and pepper wings so wait you're saying I would have to be both a foreman and a high school student I could just be one you could just be one thing I have a ton of money I'm a millionaire right wow yes and I have a box full of

ketchup chips and all dress chips and salt and pepper wings hey excuse me I'm the cartoon mayor and I've got a question I don't quite know how to use Twitter how do I erase this tweet where I said Ezra Miller was right and I'm churning the cement I churn the cement

this cement is being churned by me hey I want my job back you know what I've come back here you can't fire me alright that was two shots to the head Harry Styles might be the worst actor I've ever seen in my life I gave you this life of churned cement

churned cement I'm sorry millionaire and Mr. Mayor the cement is mostly sand and you don't worry darling this is like an end situation alright scene wow that was amazing did that solve everything for you I do feel a lot more confident

I just don't know what I'm going to say to Justin when I see him why don't you treat him in the head why don't you treat him like one of your employees sort of scream at him and make sure I take away all of his break time take charge wow ask him if he's seeing Lorenzo's oil Lorenzo's oil why

I gotta say it did feel really good to be loved for a second by someone anyone if you're being loved you murdered all of us just two people well look what's your name Susie Tumen

we need to take a break can you stick around or am I allowed to? yeah you can do you want to stick around? Harry what are you up to being loved I'm sorry I asked I have to revert into blob shape just for a moment okay yeah please do yeah recharge

Charles you're going to stick around I'm going to watch this dude turn into blob shape think about San Antonio and McGrath you're still here we have a couple more guests we're going to come right back we have more from the holiday episode of comedy bang bang we'll be right back after this comedy bang bang we're back

how are you doing Scott? you haven't asked me what I do during the holidays Scott what do you do for the holidays? this of course have all my best friends over I could have fucking guessed that why don't you make BS okay sorry we also have Charles Barkley is here Scott do you remember that one time? no I do not

Harry Styles Henry the Amoeba who has roof runs back into human shape that's correct an approximation of human shape we also have Susie Tumen over here the team foreman

what happened during the break? Justin just asked Nevaehaw to the winter ball no before the candy gram arrived? no afterwards he said that he liked that she was being so mean to him oh no this is terrible Charles any advice?

what does this Nevaehaw look like? that's a hot name sounds Native American you gotta be careful sorry we went to you we need to get to our next guest he's a little boy who's been lost I think for a little while

he's been on the show once before please welcome back Dickie Donnelly oh Scott I love you I love you oh Scott please let me be your little boy no sorry I'm not in the I don't want any more children but to me Scott I'm missing boy Dickie Donnelly

four foot one big hands little heart open belly closed mouth long toes little teeth the Donnelly open belly hi Dickie it's wonderful to have you back on the show I'm sorry I can't adopt you

fat load of good that did me Scott came on your show to find my parents and they didn't come for me I'm sorry I think didn't we sort of establish that you're like in your 20s now you've been gone so long I'm out here on my own

and after that episode hit the airwaves well all these perverts from reddit came out trying to adopt me none of them are my parents I'm still on the lookout missing boy you've seen the posters I've seen all the posters big ideas gust of wind small feet Dickie Donnelly

Dickie I I'm sorry there's nothing I can do for you I gave you the platform if your parents haven't heard it what was the hell it was like a helicopter situation what was it a loop on a roller coaster into an open transport backpack got taken into a helicopter full out of that plopped into the ocean

and then lived in the trees with a bunch of other kids Dickie Sandwich, Chicken feet Marcus Rainbows Marble Dickhead all great friends to you I'm sure and who was it that kidnapped you originally Trent John if you don't make me say his name

I'm sorry he has not reached out to you has he since the show well I hope not the thing is after that episode came out all those people came to apply for adoption for me through the IRS and somebody came and got me and he said

he was Santa Claus but now I was starting to wonder if I'm just living again with Trent Dunphy and a beard and a big old fat suit well someone's impersonating Santa Claus the gruff has some ideas of what to do I know you're a little kid let me tell you what you do take them in your closet waterboard them and then send a letter to me it's craft my gruff

Chicago will let know I 606 652 oh Dr. Scruffers I would but I don't even got a closet Santa keeps me in an old basement I don't got a water or even a board well I don't know what to tell you yeah no chloroform either

I'd take it I got nothing Scott this guy's got me he saw the posters he saw that I was Dickey Donnelly little finger sharp teeth all those kinds of unique traits and now he's got me making toys until my fingers are worked to a blood this actually does sound like Santa Claus that actually might be Santa Claus

I mean if you're working toys down to the bone he might be Santa Claus this is Harry Styles I don't know if you know who Harry Styles is but kids love him hi Dickey you know I don't know if I'm ready to be a dad but I would like adopt you as a mini me if you wanted

you can't be a dad you're just a little boy like me I know I'm just a little baby deer in a vase you're too skinny to be a daddy I know that's why I need Scott Big Dad please Scott I love you I love you I love you this show has become just about insulting me well I gotta say Scott the energy

of the show when it started was everyone hates you and Dickey came in and said they love you they love you right away so this has changed Scott bring those thick thighs over here and be my dad for once Scott is digging the thighs Dickey can I make a suggestion sorry Henry and Amoeba over here

of course she's so sorry that you're in this predicament so you build toys for this maybe Santa? yeah against my will I'm getting absolutely mercury poisoning from all the eight balls you're making a lot of magic eight balls yeah they're filled with black goo that makes me cough

so you're getting a side point you're getting a lot of just requests to make magic eight balls as Christmas gifts oh yeah the kids are so horny for eight balls they want to know yes no maybe so that and lava lamps made with real lava ouchy douchy oh I'm so sorry

sounds rough I was gonna say I'm projecting my books plot onto you but what if you built a maze and made Santa run it and told him that the government will kill him this is just your plot of your story well I'm just saying it's something to think about if you're good at making things make a maze

his name's not Sally okay this is Dickey Donnelly Dickey Donnelly 2.1 big head little ideas gorgeous thoughts big belly deep belly button open butt small brain you shrunk one inch since the last time you said something now I do remember the posters it did have gorgeous thoughts on it

is what I recall I must say the thing that I love the most about you I think is gust of wind and I feel it you know do you want to strut about with me would you like to strut about I've never strutted before but I guess I'll try give it a whirl careful don't fall

don't go upside down and fall into a backpack there's that fatherly instinct Scott I love you my gorgeous Scott Dickey can I ask you a question of course Dickey Donnelly this is Susie Tooman you're approximately the same age I would say

Dickey you might be older actually I'm a sophomore in high school I never got to go to school kidnapped as it were oh dang I'm really sorry to hear that don't have to say as it were it's literally what happened as it was there we go there we go can I ask I've been coming on this podcast

what have you done to find your parents I've tried absolutely everything fell out of a helicopter put my chicken legs on a treadmill got onto a tree with a bunch of kids disguised myself as a coconut beg Scott for housing everything I could do

seems like that's what you're mainly focused on I'm not in the market for more children Scott last time I did this podcast with you it was near your big fancy pool and you wouldn't even give me a cup of water although you don't want to drink what's in the pool there's chlorine we were out of water in the main house well you said you pissed in the pool

this right in front of you you said there's piss in it and I said well now there is you know I've been listening to this episode and off Mike Scott seems so different than on Mike Scott off Mike Scott is into shit and hentai and pissing in pools and

meeting Charles Barkley 10 to 15 times over the course of his life don't even worry Dickie a human man can last two days without a single drop of water Jesus it's true and you don't legally have to offer anyone anything so whatever

you have a follow up so I just wanted to know what your parents look like maybe I can help well that's the thing I was kidnapped when I was such a wee lad I wasn't even tall enough to see their faces only saw their little kneecaps one was big kneecaps and one was little hairy ones huh so your parents never even showed you their faces

they're too tall I was just a little shrimp bastard yeah this is all so sad you know I've got a question Dickie for the holidays this is a crime I mean this I know it's a crime but what do you want me to do

this kid he just tried everything they fell out of a helicopter pretending to be a coconut letting the trees with a bunch of kids what am I supposed to do this dumpy character you should be out there arresting him well I'm on the hunt yeah you should be on the hunt for Trent dumpy because right now I'm trapped in somebody's basement

you know the toy skip it that goes around your ankle and you skip around I'm making marbles I'm making Rubik's cubes how'd you get away how'd you get here I'll have to go on one four-hour walk every day that's actually a long great walk here's the thing

cruel irony as it were Santa as it was Santa knows it takes four hours and 15 minutes to walk to the Burbank airport so he only lets me out for four hours at a time so I can't make it anywhere so I just scuttled over here to make a radio announcement

you can make it two and half way there and then you gotta come back what about an Uber if I get in an Uber Santa said I'll pull it in my brain walk to the airport at the four-hour mark you still have only 15 minutes to go why don't you just adopt me and take care of me

side question from Henry Miba I'm so sorry most of the toys you're mentioning they seem to be 80's Rubik's cube a magic eight ball skip it do you think Santa somehow like an older guy who's trapped in 80's references

that's a good question of Moby else I think that Santa might not be who he says he is maybe he is Trent Dumfie in disguise cause all the other elves well guess what they're Marbles Jason, Chrissy Miggins, Rusty Hordespots Piggles Borhead and April Miggles

Hans Cronk all of your friends all the other missing kids I actually think that maybe Trent Dumfie he wasn't Trent Dumfie he's always been Santa I mean we've heard this tale about the elves about these short little creatures he's just out there kidnapping kids

I mean he's giving presents to lure them then he sticks them in his sleigh you fell out on the roller coaster you say into a giant sack this is prime Santa it was a Jansbord backpack okay we'll still I mean but it was red

what's that mean Santa must be Santa Santa Claus that was beautiful I'm really talented Harry why don't you I know maybe he looks like a little boy but Harry's pretty rich I mean Harry could

adopt you yeah I offered to do like a mini me situation I'm not ready to be a full dad a D.I.D but yeah would you like to wear like giant pants big shoes, tiny tiny jacket maybe a sage taupe nail polish well that sounds just like me Dickie Donnelly tiny jacket, little nipples, salami breath

Dickie Donnelly how tall two for one Dickie Donnelly I'd be honored to have you come on tour with me love on tour wow love on tour would you like that Dickie if you like that we can set this up

I do think I'm pretty good at singing if you want to go on tour with him we'll pay for it I thank you Scott I love that Scott so you are going to pay child support you do feel bad I know we'd be a good match Harry because every night when I'm trapped in Santa's basement I press my little nose to the frosty window

I think about my parents and I go where are you Christmas why can't I find you why have you gone away

I really relate to the glitch Scott do you remember that time you spent Christmas with my family in Leeds Alabama don't I do not remember that you gotta check your memories well Dickie I don't know what we can do for you but this is great

I don't miss my guess I don't love my guess this is a professional relationship I have an idea maybe if you whisper it only I'll hear it please Scott good to have you on the show thanks for coming on Dickie

it's great to have you I'll get you soon sucker we do need to get to our final guest of the day we got to know him a little bit earlier in the year I believe on the first episode of 2022 he is a

well I guess there's no other way to say it he's a flesh colored cube that was invented by a mad scientist please welcome back to the show Dr. Sweetchat hi hi it's great

Merry Christmas to you yeah this is McGruff the crime dog Kazuntite how are you this inaudible a second time you're programmed to be less audible keep everything you say I'm reading lips at this point

you might need to bring that thing up and off this is Charles Barkley hey baby and Dickie Donnelly of course short hair oh yeah you look like one of the little toys I built in Santa's workshop

that's so cute you weigh 300 pounds you're 3 inch cute you got high density I felt like we got a direct line on you this time too that's even worse what the hell is that Dr. Sweetchat this is crazy

this is great Dr. Sweetchat what? oh right Dr. Sweetchat is a small chat robot small talk robot yes small talk robot oh sitting on a stool

at the bottom of a pool I don't know a lot of people who do that I mean it's a conversation starter just so I understand since I'm not a human being I maybe don't understand how conversations normally work I don't know you're pretty good at it walk up to somebody at a party and say

so have you got your Christmas shopping done or are you waiting until the last minute to buy vinegar I'm casting no judgment what is your favorite Christmas car the one the tall boy the home alone is what you think of

no tall boy whose home alone is apartment oh requiem for a dream tall boy tall boy friends how are the duck Mr. Poppers penguins okay we'll just never fight out

didn't know what that was I'd like to hear a shriek is that what you were asking what did the grinch say to the Christmas ham who's there Jewish mode switch to Jewish mode this is Jewish

sure a Jewish joke to the what to the what to the locks like on a bagel what did the rabbi say to the locks the Jewish mode is more singing what did the Jewish

like a cantor okay that was very good similar setup what did the dreidel say to the locks okay sure you've seen that coming what did the ove say to the oh no I feel like we're ripping through sequels

here in one Christmas what three famous Christmas songs I don't know anything this mistake okay sure hold on I was turned oh no someone turned

how did we turn the between ginger juice little bummer boy I think we all wanted to hear Christmas snakes yeah this is like the baby shark are you doing all of them

why did you ask what one we wanted to pick hahaha I mean what are you we have no choice Jesus Christ I mean what if Dr. Sweetchats techniques is just barreling into the next thing with no response

okay alright here we go what are you doing for the holidays well I'm going to keep working on my next book I'm going to get together with family family yeah family the other amoebas that I split from you what don't celebrate Jews

Eunice what's Eunice Eunice or Eunice Y-O-N-I-S you celebrate Eunice is what you're saying a short man named Michael delivers something in chocolate bitter chocolate to the most vulnerable

in our community that's lovely I heard Violent Diarrhea definitely many flesh colored cubes Violent Diarrhea I guess so are we still in Jewish mode

it's so interesting to learn about other cultures that's good Dickie yeah you're learning you didn't even give us a chance to answer black potato also I didn't guess it I have to admit you said you guessed it what are you doing now Dr. Sweetchats what mode is this

yummy mode master reading how is he doing that he's just a flesh cube oh Jesus okay Dr. Sweetchats it's become even harder to understand you as this goes on we have to end this

point I gotta say Dr. Sweetchats it seems as though you got a bit of wires loose in there because everything you're saying is just a little bit off you said Santa wears a little blue suit tight blue suit and he's always begging for his beard to be yanked I don't think that's true

you're thinking you pop a smurf what mode is that okay you thought we'd die on Christmas Eve alone look Dr. Sweetchats we have to end this okay mistletoe what you guys are under the mistletoe

Dr. Sweetchats we're under the mistletoe again Batman what I do know what it means yes I don't think that's right Dr. Sweetchats alright guys we are running out of time on this show what did Santa say to the reindeer

alright we are running out of time Dr. Sweetchats I'm so sorry we only have time for one final feature on the show that is of course a little something called uhhhh sometimes when I'm getting to character I say the name Scott a few times

I say sculpture I say sculpture miniature sculpture sculpture sculpture sculpture sculpture

sculpture sculpture sculpture sculpture sculpture sculpture sculpture sculpture

sculpture sculpture sculpture sculpture sculpture sculpture 02:15:43,900 --> 02:15:45,900 sculpture

sculpture sculpture sculpture sculpture sculpture sculpture sculpture to go to court

The Cincinnati hospital burn unit collapsed. Oh, oh, and you built that one or? Yeah, well, I didn't build it. My guys did. Yeah, so I guess that. Okay, great. Good plug. You're an awful person. Took that down really easily. Charles Barkley, what do you want to plug? I got a lot of things. Watch NBA on TNT. Sure. Inside any game inside NBA. Watch every game. No, just the ones on TNT. That's what I mean. Turning network television. Yeah, we know comedy.

Okay. All right. And then also listen to the flag room ones hosted by Sean Hayes and Carl. I got a question. Do they ever drop the act? I still don't know. You don't know. Okay. Is that all you have to plug? And I like the show that the dog here just mentioned. Does it only appeal to dogs though?

A black dog. Led Zeppelin style. Only Rottweilers. All right. Dover and Pinterest. Henry, the Amoeba, what do you want to plug? I have a series of things I'd like to plug. Okay. But I'll make it quick.

On CBB Presents, a podcast that I believe this audience would be a fan of. There's an episode recently called Morpheus' Book of Nightmares that I just enjoyed to listen to as a listener only. I had nothing to do with that podcast. I'd also like to plug another podcast called Screw It. We're just going to talk about comics. These two fellas, Will and Kevin Hines, talk about comic books. And if you like two middle-aged guys, grousing, very moderate takes on things you maybe haven't read, that's the podcast for you. And then finally, I'd also like to plug Grand Crew, especially the presence of an immigration lawyer in the second episode

played by my favorite actor, Will Hines. That's for the Amoebas in the audience. That's for the Amoebas, the Amoeba listeners. I think they will like Grand Crew also. That's it for me. Dickie Donnelly, what do you want to plug? Well, I got to plug the Finding the Parents for all my other friends. Megan Merkley, Big Grins, Egghead, Handjob Reason, Razor Box, and Britman.

Not Marble Dickhead? Marble Dickhead is hopeless. And, well, I'm going to regret asking this, but Dr. Sweetchats, do you have anything to plug? Yes, you. Pourshead Olive Loaf? Back to the gills with olives. You're on Grand Crew? I just want to plug.

Look, the Comedy Bang Bang book is coming out in April, and you're going to want to pre-order it. Go to comedybangbangworld.com. Also, next week, the best of starts, so you're going to want to check those out, and hopefully you've gotten your votes in. Okay, let's close up the old plug bag. You're going to make a box, it's time to start to close it. But don't close it too much, or you'll open up the plug bag. We're opening up that plug bag. And when you open up that plug bag, you open up your heart for the rest of the world.

Oh, baby. Wow. That's a jam. Yeah, that was a used to plug with my daddy, by King Love Duck Electricity. That really got me Pseudo-potting. What? Never mind, alright, we'll do. That's your new catchphrase, never mind. Guys, I want to thank you so much. Great to have you on, of course, McGruff.

Yeah. Yep, and Harry Styles, wonderful to see you. Thank you. Charles Barkley, of course. Oh my gosh, God, we've known each other since high school. I don't think so. Dickie Donnelly, hope you go on tour with... I do not.

And Susie Tumen, wonderful to see you. Oh boy. Oh boy, did something else happen? Oh, I can't talk about it. Okay, great. Next time you're on, we can catch up about it. Henry, so good to meet you. Oh, okay. He's gone.

I don't know whether that was... Okay. And Dr. Sweetchat. What's that? I think he's saying toot-a-loo hunting. Toot-a-loo hunting? Take us out, Dr. Sweetchat. Alright, we'll see you next time.

Bye.