Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Howard Kremer, Brett Morris, Will Hines, Jacob Wysocki

Episode Date: July 18, 2022

Howard Kremer and Brett Morris of Who Charted? join Scott to talk about the early beginnings of their podcast, which is once again available for free, as well as in the brand new Chart Mart (whochartedpod.com). Then, hobbyist Hughie Chism stops by to advocate for ships in bottles. Plus, locomotist Mr. Toots drops by to talk about his job driving trains.

from left to right in front to back I dry my bits from tip to sack welcome to comedy bang bang and thank you also to fart blart funkel for that catchphrase submission tricked me into saying his catcher tricked me into saying his catchphrase and his actual username thank you fart bar Bart blart funkel oh my god I can't even say it welcome to comedy bang bang for another week we have a great show my name is Scott Ackerman coming up on the show a little later we have a hobbyist we also have a locomotist oh that's exciting I don't believe I've ever had a locomotist on this show before lots to ask about from the end

into the caboose and everything in between dining car quiet car so many cars first-class business class so much to talk to the locomotist about but before we get to them a little later in the show we have a very special edition of comedy bang bang this week we are taking it back we are taking it a little bit old-school here on the show and having one of our earliest guests on the show I didn't do any research to find out exactly what number was his I'm gonna do that while I'm talking see if I can talk and look up things at the same time but I know he was on in the first year several times and because I

remember him being at the radio station where we used to tape this in the first year and the first episode that he was on was episode six no episode six I was thinking I was gonna be in the 30s wow no six you were you're so early and now you are the most recent guest how does that feel I would say you have to get current after all this you have the the most episodes in between your first and last currently you hold the record I would imagine me well was there any in between that in between six and this one right now we just skipped over the next seven it's great to be here no matter the short you know I'm of course

as a stand-up comedian in his own right he was the and I read an interesting article about this one of the stars of Austin stories on MTV back in the day in oral history of which just came out recently he is of course the host of one of the longest-running comedy podcasts in existence second only to mind maybe and perhaps part of part of course really do because WTF is after me you might have gotten in there I was your first you can still talk just don't like start on your big like thing that you were like all prepared to do I went to Marin I how do you do this and he started saying Libsyn and all this

stuff and then you started your thing and you started you started Libsyn by the way is liberated syncopation is that what it's never had any idea it confused me enough to stay away from it and then you swooped in you were like hey I got this thing or I heard you perform the swoop yeah and it was just so much easier just called you from Dragon Manor and we arranged a pilot and yes and I remember early early even ideas for what the show could be I recall that but you know him as the host of the aforementioned I didn't after mention but I did the cadence of who charted please welcome Howard Kramer hello everybody

and to your right we have your co-host with the momost on who charted the current co-host of course the first co-host was my ex-girlfriend of course she's has the longest streak on who charted of not doing the show you know him as producer extraordinaire over there at CBB world as well and he is the co-host of who charted please welcome to the show me for the first time I don't even know Brett Morris hello all right well you don't remember my first time what was Mr. Heavenly oh that's right you are you are a guitarist for the band Mr. Heavenly bassist yeah that's what I mean the bass is a guitar is it not less

true a bass guitar less drinks but you're such a good guitarist why wouldn't they just say they just need a bass everyone needs a bassist kids out there if you're starting a band or starting to learn a musical instrument learn the bass it's the entry-level position of rock it truly is everything else is too hard is that true Brett that should learn bass or drums they're much more in demand yeah but drums are too hard to learn I'm saying bass is like you could pick it up in an afternoon yeah I guess so yeah hello bro you could learn like I'm done with us of the United States guitar okay four strings alright I was

done about a sentence ago okay how are you good to see you Howard great to see you absolutely who charted there's big news in who chartedville yes we have been liberated we're back from behind and liberated syncopation hey oh yeah Libson what's the sin Libson is that we were behind a paywall hidden and now we're out and yeah head on over to the chart mark we've got have we explained this properly okay so here's what we're already how to get this product we've skipped over many things okay tell us the history of who charted talked about it a little bit before when airwolf came about a year into this

podcast's recording we were looking for shows and you were one of our first shows and I talked to you because I had a Jerry minor in the Scolars yes that's right and you and I said what do you want to do as a show and several ideas were batted back and forth I remember one particular name and co-host that was about it back and forth I'll tell you that off air yeah and then I thought this was the idea I didn't know there was another one there what oh maybe it was the no I think there was another idea but I'll tell you about that afterwards but then you you came up with the idea of basing who charted is essentially you

take the week's charts the pop music charts the top movie charts they can be any kind of charts and you do a talk show about pop culture what's going on in the world and you use that to spin the proverbial straw which is the charts into gold which is comedy is that correct like a modern-day Rumpelstiltskin wow thank you for that now that you've said it that way I don't think I could perform the show I just thought we were talking every place Alex in between now the idea was to do a countdown so that the show would have forward momentum I think you know counting down from counting from one to five or one to

nothing there's no momentum to it but it's like Casey Kasem if you start and you're heading towards one you're always going somewhere so you say counting from zero to five it's not a show it just it doesn't have forward momentum that's like yes pushing the rock uphill right so but counting down from five to one whoa suddenly yeah something yeah Jim Morrison knew that and so you have guests on the show for a while the show your co-host was my ex-girlfriend the widow Hal lap and if you guys were still in touch we still talk occasionally and she was the the co-host for a while and then at around 500 episodes or something

she left I can't recall yeah some huge numbers is I mean she did she put in a long stretch a long stretch she was there she did a nickel at least yeah and then she's taken a well-deserved hiatus hiatus you call it all right I'll let her know that yeah well you know never say never and all kinds of paths cross and unexpected things happen but she was there she was interwoven the fabric of the show then I guess we went separate ways and then Natasha you have no right to ask me how I feel now that we're living separate lives that would be that would have been number two on the countdown in 1985 from

the movie white nights Phil Collins and Marilyn McCoo no not Marilyn McCoo who was that gosh don't know she never did anything else with separate lives can I be your co-host is what I'm trying to ask I love that let's keep it in the family this family not your family so you did the show you've been doing the show now for 12 years we say we have a 12 year old we had a 12 yeah to keep alive yeah and you've been doing it for a long time and your fortunes have risen your fortunes have faded and over the past couple of years the show has been behind a paywall and inaccessible to a wider audience Joe lunch pal yeah

exactly like the plumbers and the the custodial workers of the world have been unable to access this due to the high barrier of $5 a month well I think it's also a technical barrier I think it's just good that the industry erects barriers what about Joe the plumber he probably has never listened in the past couple of years intimidated by the sign up and the wait time and just tech in general so but but the recent announcement is that as of a week or so ago who charted is back for free accessible to everyone the entire archives are out there and anyone can listen to the show on a weekly basis now

for free it is back so if you've let your subscription lapse if you have kind of just said nah that that show I don't even know where it is anymore it is back it is it is easily findable how can people find this easily it's on all the apps all the pod apps Apple you got not Apple really Apple Spotify no not spotify to what what if I told you even Stitcher what still had it but it's on the free part of stitcher whoa yeah they had it behind the paint bar for a long time and then you got now they're forced to have it on their free right you're making a bed for it like a dog then you got those weird other apps you got pocket cast

yeah Google second to avoid second tier definitely right but it's it's out there now and anyone can listen to it you had your first free episode back with the very first guest on the show right yes right agey that's right he comes every one episode so one one every one episode one two three five six seven even did the pilot remember that that's right but it was ten chart oh yeah way too long as I recall that was the one a three-hour episode or something because we're trying to get the down from ten those are the two notes who was cut the ten down to five and actually play the songs because we weren't sure that we

can even be oh yeah that's right that's right you were just describing songs yeah so it's just all counting they was just talking and all right here's by the way try not to use the word the ever yeah you didn't stick to that one but that was so Steve agey Steve agey is the first guest back and you're you're back on top any new features on the show what is what's been happening in the show for the past couple of years that people have fallen off of it well behind the paywall we didn't really have new features we were just kind of staying you know consistent putting it out the solid show every week that's a great way to put it staying

consistent instead of getting bored with it and letting it be stale staying consistent that's a great way to that's what I like to think I do with this show getting bored with it is generous it was just a contempt for doing the show that to fight through is just one of the great accomplishments of my career yeah so now that we're back now that we're back free we've added another barrier we've added another show that you could climb over the barrier to get and that's two charted which we also used to do with used to do it as a stitcher exclusive as well or no it was free for a while as well yeah so two charted is the companion show yes to who charted and what is the difference

in that show it's a little bit more loose we're commenting on things going on we're answering uh personal uh personal uh matters are discussed is that true it's kind of like kck so yeah we do we get little shoutouts actually the truth is after we record who charted howard and i would always naturally just stay online and talk for right half an hour or whatever spill the two and now you want to charge for it yeah there you go why are we wasting all these words is there gossip that you guys yeah we just let's let now that we've taken these pesky songs and movie countdowns out of it we got a hell of a show here yeah exactly some people prefer two charted to who charted yeah although who charted is great of course it's after dark it's

you know not suitable it's a little more blue yeah and uh we also um you know take listener emails after dark about like in the summer it's about eight thirty p.m but uh you know once daylight savings rolls around it's maybe five p.m is when it is right on yeah i live in a basement so comes about four we do record it about sunset you do really you're trying to get golden hour for example yes the lighting is just exceptional but yeah we take listener emails as well uh which are they've been you take them meaning you read them out loud or you just receive them yeah we read them silently we continue our conversation no we answer questions we we read feedback for the first time in a decade wow it's not a it's not a closed loop anymore scout we're

not just broadcasting it to the board so you're listening to the listeners now which is like turn about as fair play in a lot of ways yeah we're doing a new thing we're gonna open with catchphrases suggest by the listeners i like that by the way oh thank you so much so now uh this is separate of course who charted is now free for everyone to listen to but describe what the what is going on because you've started uh an actual subscription model as well right that's right yeah we we just got liberated from a paywall so we started our own um in addition to the free episode the free episode every week we have the chart mart we call it you go to whocharted pod.com you enter the chart mart it's much like CBB world oh interesting yeah

it's almost as if what we came up with you're just cloning right it's almost like well i learned something like building CBB world and now i'm applying it somewhere else yeah that's a good way to put it you're like a baby who learned how to walk right but we have three tiers we have new entry we have three tiers sounds like my uncle wouldn't have got out of prison those tattoos the three tiers that uncle is you seem like you come from a dangerous squad don't i the orange county crew we have new entry you get the whole archive of who charted and this is uh it must be over 700 episodes is that right yeah yeah 12 times 56 yeah that's solid math and i'll and we also

have preem stream back there and old two charted preem stream was uh was a show that you were doing for a while right yeah it was it was new angles on old music we bring in old songs and discuss angles so we hadn't heard before and use them in new ways that's all back there as well yeah if you become a heat seeker which is the second tier seeker or a chart hopper which is the third tier do you like these names i do i notice you didn't run these by me because i i could have like you know helped out with them these are great names these are great names i'm just saying like who came up with the name who charted scott ockerman that's right it felt like i like you know you could have come to me like oh i see like the godfather the day of my granddaughter's wedding

well um yeah heat seeker chart hopper you get all of two charted and you get preem stream which is this amazing bonus show we did like over a hundred episodes and we like howard said we would examine old music uh he would have these clever ways of of presenting it or presenting like a new through line we did like thin lizzie songs that sound like they're medieval like it was wild category we did songs that lot that started out amazing and then would go veer off on the wrong halfway through is this leila leila's one of them really uh june and love journey journey stone and love is a great example stone and love oh interesting every part of that song should be a radio classic yeah and then suddenly a bizarre move in the middle of it where it just starts meandering

there's a long comes a whole other mess yeah but we even did some like character based episodes howard would come in as willy nelson into my studio thank god i never did the episode where i played uh julio julio iglesias god if that were still on the internet and suddenly available to pass oh my god thank goodness so all of that is available uh i mean it's a really great time to listen all the old episodes but you're making new classics i mean this is this is you're one of the ogs here this is time to dip the toe back in definitely feels good um you know we call ourselves um the show that built your wolf so kind of the fly to get this recognition from you it feels it feels good and then kind of

you came in what six months after okay but all right um there was there was nothing but an oil portrait of the sclar brothers like that was the company that was our first thing that we had commissioned it was like we would spend all the money yeah it was all good space and the only other thing was that sclar brothers oil painting the logs on their lap i'd say they have one lap between them um speaking of lap coolop is uh uh of course on all of these old episodes so if people are a fan or fans of hers you can hear all of her old stuff and uh you know it's just a great little corner and a little nook in the internet over there uh what what's been going on for the past 12 years i mean a regular dozen of these years you've been in the game and i mean you're

one of the uh i mean howard you're uh you're a groundbreaker how does that feel um why'd you go and do this this is like tom Sawyer at his own funeral it's a literary reference sorry i know you don't count down books on the show we actually did try that once in year two uh ken foal that doesn't put out enough stuff that we could really have interesting books to talk about it feels good um we do kind of examine things through a lens over there that i don't see in other places we really dig deep a lot of times into songcraft and just different trends that are going on and it feels good to have an outlet to do that it feels good that people have stuck by it and are excited uh to get back to it i mean you're both musicians

yourself so you know what you're talking about when you talk about music i mean i know at least brett does and uh you're a rapper but like the bass player of right it's just loops man well whocharted pod.com is where you can get uh the subscription service but who charges just available anywhere just like uh throw your phone in the air and suddenly you know a million episodes will come down and rain down upon you like god's wrath and judgment um survive that people who actually haven't even heard the the free show for a while might be surprised the third chart now is called the hot picks whoa what is this so we pitch our own five songs that we like like current songs current songs that you like right now yeah that we think you know beat out the billboard chart

or the apple chart okay oh hot picks this is kind of uh this is not this we we report on the charts the show is faithfully just whatever the charts are this with this chart we start to curate god wow this is incredible and even though you are talking about the week in which you're recording the there are so many subplots and personal matters discussed over the show that the the older episodes are are they are kind of uh talking about things that were of the time but the character arcs and the storylines that bleed through and blend through are are very interesting absolutely often we just start interviewing howard basically me and the guest right what he just said things happened but it is i recommend even listening to it out of order but it's worth going back to those

but even if you start now and then head back in a pulp fictionist esk type well yeah i mean when we all saw pulp fiction we were like wait a minute why is this guy on the toilet i thought he was dead can a dead man be on a toilet and i ran out of the theater screaming and saying this movie they changed the reels on this movie we need to get these back in order and i refuse to see it for another 30 years and uh here we are that gap it's one of the the glaring gaps in between seeing the beginning of both fiction and the end yeah what happened in that middle but it can be an enjoyable way to listen to something well who charted pod.com is where you can go for all of the tiers but uh who charted is just out there anywhere you want on any podcast service that you can imagine and even ones you

can't imagine that's how just you're covering it out there you're you know you're sending it to things that people have not even conceived yet yeah metaverse areas yeah have you staked out your little portion of the metaverse yet uh i haven't bought any land but um i we're squatting yeah yeah got a couple coins um who charted out there right now i i give it my highest recommendation oh thank you thank you so much we'd love to have you back on if schedule allows who's yours for mine who should we have back on scott or coolot first yeah great question back on uh although i i understand when your first episode when you know of rebranding the show you don't want to give people the wrong idea like she's going to be there every single episode because she has her own of course add to chart or

wait add to cart oh wait a minute dr freud i'm ready for my appointment add to cart pod.com no who charted pod.com god what is happening cbbworld.com is what we really want to talk about here uh we need to take a break if that's okay but uh i i do want to ask you about austin's stories when we on the other side of this when we come back we're gonna have a hobbyist and a locomotist and by the way they are not the same person this person's hobby is not locomotives this locomotus doesn't do it as a hobby these are two separate guests we have we'll be right back with more howard kramer more brett morris we'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this comedy bang bang we're back uh we have uh howard kramer here of

who charted as well as brett morris of who charted and uh howard i i teased it before the break but a really fascinating oral history of austin's stories just came out did you you participated in this did you not yes i was around uh kept in a couple of the shots um no i mean in the oral history oh i see this was not an unauthorized oral history where they talked to people about the show but the stars said nah i don't want to be on record about this we were on board uh austin monthly magazine is the outfit and they uh they had a guy you know so they put out 12 a year and they devoted one of the 12 issues uh a little portion of it to austin's stories what an honor yeah it was a big honor and uh people weighed in you know reading the uh you know i was there

for it i had my own point of view but you know what was austin's stories it was it was an mtv show back in 1996 97 yeah uh scripted comedy uh single camera scripted comedy on mtv with no laugh track and uh followed you and chip pope and laura house where the main stars of it and slackers in austin yeah yeah and it was uh it was on at the same time as like darla and uh dar we were uh wait well we before i think we were after daria yeah same era same area that's right darla who's darla darla is the darla from the little rascals oh that's right yes she was in love with buckwheat lady who lived in my building edith she was the original darla in the pilot she lost that job to the girl that we know as darla no god was she upset about that yeah it was like she was a very old lady this was 20

years ago but he was like wow this this town has been breaking hearts for years yeah was a and it and will continue to do so yeah as long as i'm one of the gatekeepers yeah you've denied so many people crushed so many lives and that's what comedy band makes all about midnight train to georgia it's just full because of you people leave in hollywood but that it was a cool thing to read the austin stories uh oral history oh you read it thank you so much mainly because uh my name wasn't it yeah well i get a google alert for you um no but but uh that show was was so fun and it was cool to hear the behind the scenes i hadn't i mean i've talked to you a little bit about it but not in in that much depth i would be embarrassed to talk to you about that in that much depth yeah who's this nerd yeah

i um learned a lot myself you know just seeing so many different i mean we featured music from the band spoon before they were big in there and uh just they weighed in too just getting their angles on it and just everybody really really eye-opening i didn't realize how much because i read the article too well i learned a lot thank you i didn't realize how much that was just basically a documentary of your life in austin at that point yeah you're talking to howard right now not me that was pointing straight at you but i was talking about it yeah no i mean a groundbreaking show and uh only survived one season is that correct one season because uh suddenly singled out came around or shows like that where they yeah or trl and stuff like that yeah basically there was a

regime change to where this guy brian grating came in and he's the one who ushered in yeah in sink and britney spears and all that yeah well the culture changed and i mean the 90s were no longer the 90s anymore yes but all those shows that year were a stab in the dark it's collared brothers uh they also had a show that year part part 2f yeah oh i i was here because there's two of them i thought they just doubled their apartment here so was austin stories there during kind of the swing era of the 90s with swing the swingers and uh the voodoo daddy and all that kind of brian setzer had like a small window time yeah but you guys did uh i mean he's had a large window he started out with the stray cats i'm not quite sure well but then he went away a little bit

this is not who charted now it does christmas cds it's so sad when artists just only put up christmas cds but it's it gives us saxophone playing friend work but a great time in mtv history it was interesting to read and uh you know congrats to you i mean howard you've had such an incredible career thank you so many interesting nooks and crannies um head on over to austin grannies who lived in your apartment building old edith oh i miss her uh check out awesome you moved away what happened buckwheat picked her up and took off buckwheat with that heavenly harp um yeah head on over to austin monthly dot com check out the oral history of austin stories you can pick head on down there or maybe you just pick up your phone come on down y'all making it

go make a day trip to austin to go read this article but the town has changed quite a bit since then it's now a elon musk uh joe rogan type of place i wonder what it would be like for us to go back to revisit to do austin stories now and and see what these characters are up to yes austin's changed they have a cute theme oh interesting theme thank you what was the theme song again uh it was 16 deluxe we used local music spoon that's right spoon yeah you keep mentioning spoon uh reminds me of that comedian who used to people would shout out uh band names adam and he would give the the other band name that was the perfect pairing to it uh so that sounds like a good bit yeah it was like someone would go nine inch nails and he'd go mc hammerer oh yeah stuff

like that yeah well who would pair with spoon cake maybe or you don't really eat cake with a spoon soup bowling for soup bowling for soup throw out another uh brad what's another band oh we'll try to do this ourselves jane's addiction jane's addiction uh uh morphe morphe oh oh morphe's good yeah the cure is better maybe it's not a competition between you and me all right we need to get to our next guest let's zapplin uh hot air balloon i have no idea i'm just sitting and making up band names now uh we need to get to our next guest he is a hobbyist we've talked about this you guys have hobbies okay never mind uh all right you so in the meeting the minute i said let's get to our next guest you guys checked out good to know all right i'm on my own just

following the format okay here we go let's bring him on he is a hobbyist please welcome you each is hey thanks for having me great so you can just turn to me these guys aren't interested i guess yeah they've already checked out i can see them zoning out i have a pitch for the pairing for led zeppelin is he leon the band is that a band i hope so okay let's say it is you're starting a new band as a answer yeah i'm founding a new band and saying that they would be the good pairing for i'm sorry i don't mean to jump on what's another band give us another band okay um uh how about less than jake uh more than asra more than better than asra better than asra that is good pairing less than jake and better than asra yeah although it's better and worse would pair together more it's

not grammatically good but you know for the for the slang for the slang off the top of your head so i give it a b plus like yeah give it a b plus yeah one more but the last segment okay i like this game uh how about uh black crows white white stripes no but white legals lion white lion nice the black nicely done yeah wait wait okay yeah do you really want us to wait or are you afraid i'm not too familiar with our discography who did safety dance men without hats oh yeah okay and then the the haberdasher boys um the the nwa i don't i don't even want to say yes that's true feisty boys what feisty boys uh boys men okay boys boys no well it was boys two men men without hats you don't have to kind of work without the men without hats people aren't focusing on the

men part of that your bad name the hats is the star what's that men band uh welcome to the show hui great to meet you hey first of all that's one of the hey hey focus up here eyes on me yeah i believe that you had already checked out too so okay no i'm i'm in now i'm all in in fact i'm pushing my chips to the center of the table your on this interview i'm betting big on this this is i'm gonna predict it right now number one episode in the countdown you're familiar with countdowns howard coming in at number one number one wow that's the kind of faith i need from uh from a host yeah no i'm in a talk show situation i need to believe the host is invested you got the goods i i know it and i

want to hear what you have to say what are you here to talk about you you first of all you're a hobbyist which uh leads me to believe that you have a particular hobby you want to talk about before i talk about that yeah i just want to say thanks for having me on because i got brought on last minute i've been trying for a while to get booked on the show and it's a that's a there's a long list and it's a high demand i have a i have a list of people that i need to contact two weeks in advance and i have a list of people that i can give a quick i got the shout out pretty last minute and i ran over and i'm and i'm glad for it that's not a complaint by the way i'm grateful for it no i mean it seems like a backhanded complaint a little bit not at all there's a little bit of negative energy

i don't think so i don't think so at all i got it's not entirely positive but go ahead i go i appreciate the invitation no matter how thrown together and panicked and desperate it was an invitation is an invitation note nothing passive aggressive about it all right and i and i'm glad to be on the show because i'm a hobbyist and i'm and i want to advocate for my hobby okay so great that leads me to say what it is okay that's probably we're circling back around to my question okay that's correct yes i'm finally getting back to you okay let's hear it i am into in a major way ships in bottles okay the classic old classic make a model ship you collapse it you slide into a bottle you want was that how it's done i assumed you had to make it inside the bottle

itself oh no that or build a bottle around a ship i suppose you could but i think that's what you want people to think isn't that some of the whimsy about it like you see the ship in a in the in the bigger part of the bottle certainly not the neck no no no you see in the bigger and then you go well that couldn't have fit through the neck howard do you ever see a ship in a bottle i mean i've seen one sail in but it didn't stay that long what is that what does that mean how much of that sentence did you listen to before you started answering do you you saw a ship in a bottle sailing sail into the harbor sailing a harbor in a bottle i saw a ship sailing through a bottle didn't like it went well i see okay it was like this is too confining that made more sense than what i thought i thought

maybe when you listen to sentences you just edit out the parts that don't make sense and then you answer the edited version right right i can't know howard doesn't have a brain like that he has a normal brain well scott you're absolutely right the yeah the the ship in a bottle uh transfixes people people look at it like how did that happen how did it happen one of the few hobbies that you can look at the results of which and be befuddled you have no idea where it came from yeah yeah and that's i would i would say that maybe forming magic okay i was gonna say your name on a piece of rice yeah how did that happen or how about those when they flattened the pennies as i was like an impression of like the koi tower on it up in san francisco or something well i mean

that's just a machine that you put the penny in for me it really set me for a loop when i saw one of those i was really i was really knocked knocked knocked my socks maybe i would say the other hobby that and it's maybe it's more of a job is the drawing things in the foam and cappuccinos you know i mean it's like oh yeah how did that happen that's artisans are they paid to do that or is that a hobby while they're being paid to do their normal job i don't know how that breaks down first time it happened to me i thought it was an accident really it was like a tree and i was like hey this guy looks like a tree it was like getting a dorito that looks like jesus christ yeah i was like look at this and he's like yeah i did that i was like oh why are you paid

yeah or is this yeah a hobby for you but anyway i think i consider that to be a bit of a hobby foam drawing is that what they call it that's what i call it okay yeah foam drawing i guess i'm asking for more of the official oh really yeah but you just expect everyone on your show to have just you know i expect everyone to have a bottomless i expect everyone to have like a not bottomless certainly but wider than than normal you know i'm dropping this down to number two yeah i keep me updated okay i either want to be number one i'm gonna fight my way back after number one or go all the way all the way to the bottom quite a banned episode could be it's sometimes it's surprising what's down there at the bottom i think i've experienced both when i've listened

i've never been on the show before so shipping a bottle i'm fascinated by it i'm advocating for it i do you like ships in general do you like you know weirdly i don't have you ever been on one yes i was in the navy you were in the navy yes i was in the navy i was a lost youth in high school and so it was recommended to me that the military might like straighten me out what was your rank structure ensign ensign really all the way up there all the way up yeah that's the i had to fight my way up to ensign i was sub ensign which is a new rank for like the interns and the unpaid ensigns and then i fought my way up to you ever have shoreleaf sure i had shoreleaf yeah levo yeah you wanted were you on a boat or were you on like a naval base or i was on a boat

yeah i had a tour on a boat you know i think the top gun people there in the navy are they not yeah that's a navy weird because you would think they'd be in the air force we think be in the air force ship but those are navy guys yeah yeah you ever see any of those top gunners uh like in real life like uh oh when i i guess i don't mean the movies although have you seen those i'll follow up have you seen those two i have seen the top gunners by which you mean the movies and when i served in the navy i saw some top gunners like people who worked in aircraft carriers yeah yeah i don't consider them to be the top gunners the guys who work on the here's my other question about top gun okay okay so you've seen this the new one you say yes maverick yeah so i love it

because um i'm finally tom tom cruise doesn't lose yeah finally one where he comes out on top but you go you go uh see his uh personal enclave right uh where he has uh sort of a shrine and a bunch of mementos a bunch of pictures yes and a lot of pictures you go like oh i can see where that was say oh that's a candid photo that's a candid photo and then there are pictures of the last scene of the first top gun yes which was a top secret mission yes and everyone and and and a plane could have crashed on this boat yeah who invited the professional still photographer to capture these moments it's a great question and as someone who works in navy i'll tell you they photograph all that stuff they do they for posterity like if this works and this

mission ends up being a big deal we want to record them and if it you know goes sideways or we don't get the guy there's photos of Osama bin Laden's assassination you know what i mean and they're waiting to release those i wish the 10 year anniversary rolling stone magazine already has the deal they already have them photos of the assassination i wish that tom cruise would have had one of those pictures next to the picture of goose yeah but um but but i liked how at the end not to spoil the ending but at the end of top the new top gun he has an updated uh uh shrine shrine there with a picture of the last scene of that scene of that and it's and it looks perfect it's gorgeous it's golden hour the lighting it's not a story point that is what happens in the real

navy so really in the real navy they they're big on public relations so there's just someone who's a photographer yes okay what did you do uh i was a sub ensign and then an ensign i i got what was your feel i was like a swab the deck just kind of all you did was swab the decks i volunteered what i was like who's swabbing this they're like you want to give it a shot i was like i'm on it who's swabbing who's swabbing this and they're like uh nobody really does that i'm like well i mean we have to we have to force people to do it is usually i said i'd be glad to really yep and i swabbed the crap out of a bunch of our aircraft carriers i swabbed a bottle a battleship oh wow okay you said battleship i know my head's up my hobby we need to page dr freud again yeah right um

so really that's all you did like eight eight hours a day or i don't even know how long six hours you get you get an uh you do a four hour hour break work for an hour another hour break you were an hour break at the end of your shift yeah you can do that you're forced to take well you can pick what you do and i'm like i'll put it at the end because i want to make my night longer you're allowed to do that to first of all two breaks in the middle of six hours for swabbing because it's so tough on the body if you're doing other stuff if you're working what's so tough about the body is it the the rhythmic motion of the physical you know you got to really push you got to get all the stains off the deck decks get stained swabbing is tough work yeah it's tough on

the delts tough it ain't slobbing i'll tell you that oh where were you oh well where were you we were looking for catchphrases you were all the time you got to call me i'm the guy who named who charted you did yeah you named who charted yeah one of the great all-time titles yeah thank you so much well you could have used you because me and the other swabbers because eventually there was a little gang of us um swabbed the decks like i was first the only one who would volunteer to do it but then other people kind of got turned on to it and i sort of had a little group leading me around well they were watching you and saying that sounds fun or looks pretty good you know enough of this like navigation guidance system enough of this logistics planning enough of this like you know

stuff and torpedoes and we had a pilot a guy gave up being a pilot what which is like one of the plum gigs on an aircraft carrier he's a full-time swabber now does everyone get paid the same there in the navy i hope they do no they don't really it's a competition it's capitalist society oh my god the best the best given our armed forces has turned into capitalism yep boy and that there's a big bernie sanders voting block within the navy because really they love bernie i bet they do big time yeah you go into an aircraft carrier they're like big time bernie bruce yeah they can't stop talking about him it's bernie vs elizabeth warren any aircraft carrier go on thank you you know that's the big war the culture wars between those two anyway so i had a little gang of swabbers

and we would have loved to catch rays swab swabbing ain't slobbing we would have loved it yeah i'd never the best one i could ever pitch was swabbing is pretty good not yeah doesn't have no yeah it doesn't have and i would have admitted that even the sentiments behind it are are fairly weak we can look tepid was what i was yeah feckless feckless is pretty good yes feckless low t yeah low t um low sperm count as a catchphrase non fertile um no descendants yeah exactly baron yeah hopeless yeah pessimistic dystopian almost yeah but anyway i swam the day the navy's the source i would have loved it i would have loved it i asked you to volunteer for that it's not as hard on the body i would imagine it would have been much easier but they didn't have any call for it

they're like we don't care yeah i can only know they don't really need a lot of word usage it's like can you you know we're a military operation we're protecting the nation's security and are you still in active duty i have to ask you i'm not i got kicked out you got kicked well i got asked to leave this is a fine line i basically i basically got kicked out but they liked me and they're like they said we'll let you retire let you resign resign because we don't need to humiliate okay what happened what what i was too into it too passionate too yeah i was like i was obsessed with the culture of the navy and following around my commanding officers and so they were embarrassed at the mat they were yeah they were like this is gross uh you're weird and desperate and sweaty you

were too thirsty for the navy i was too which is like out there on you know the fucking ocean a lot of times as long as anywhere to be hurt but not a drop to drink a lot of times most of the time i would say 99% of the time you're out there uh in the middle of the water i'd say most of the time yeah i would more than a lot of the time howard a lot of the navy is on the water i was the whole time remember remember when that that big ship got stuck in the uh was it the suez canal was it the panamon canal i can't remember the suez canal last suez canal yeah yeah remember that last i do remember that yes when all the world's trade stopped do you remember anything before that hmm well not specifically i'm sure i if i think a little bit more about it i'm sure

what's the earliest thing you remember is that suez canal thing i mean i remember going into the cockpit of a um shipping boat and saying what happens if i do this i remember saying that wait you're i remember going into the you're the guy who got that i'm not saying that i remember walking into a steering area and i said what happens if i do this and i pushed all the as many buttons as i could how many was that i was upwards of 20 or 30 oh wow how did you push so many buttons oh i got my feet involved i i lept i stood on a chair i lept up like did a split kick david lee roth style spread my hands and feet as well jump and then i landed all four at the same time on a control panel like maybe between 25 and 30 buttons at once incredible and this is

this is the suez canal boat this was in the suez canal was it the boat i mean i remember i got because i got ushered out of there right after throwing the brig so i don't necessarily know the immediate aftermath of what happened i do remember before i got dragged out the ship turned sideways and got stuck that's no this is the exactly the exact same shape okay well oh my god so yeah they asked me to leave and they were like it seems like they asked you to leave for that like did they ask you to leave in while you were in the brig well here's how the conversation went as i recall yeah i went down to the brig they're like you're gonna have to go down to the brig they went down to the brig where i was did i say i went down to the brig i thought that's

really like it just sounded very casual to me like yeah so i'm bozied on down to the brig and it resided there for a while i mean they put the cuffs on me and i was like i know where this is going and i walked on down to the brig because i'm a fan i'm a team navy i'm gaming this out and i see exactly the end yes no need to fight you know my lats are tired i'd swabbed all day at that point yeah i walk into the brig they come in they're like well we're gonna have to ask you to leave and i'm like because i'm too into it they're like uh they went uh yeah that's why and i was like i thought so because i'm too obsessed with the navy they're like yep that's why okay i think you have sarcasm blindness how's that uh you're uh let's try it yeah so um you're definitely

going to be the number one episode of the year i knew it i knew it yeah he's got sarcasm back up all right well god hewie that's uh i love ships and bottles so uh did you did you do them before you got kicked out of the no it's kind of after a sort of a recent thing yeah a couple weeks ago 2019 yeah oh two weeks ago two weeks ago i'd already been in line to be on this show why yeah what been a fan of the show for a long time so you just wanted to come on you because you're a fan not because you have anything to talk about well i ate all the ships in the bottles have you made one but i've always updated whatever my most interesting thing is so i was always i always think i always had interesting things to come on well the previous ones before you

start doing these ships and bottles i was an obituary proof reader okay what are the that's pretty you mean you mean about a lot of life stories when you're an obituary what are i'm actually a little more interested in that than it's a great job it's a great job ship and bottle because you know it's an obituary is an incredibly important piece of journal one of the major typos that occur you know but you know i don't even want to say the word because obituary obituary obituary is the days who died dyed oh they do really and so people are out there thinking that someone just did like a tie-dye or something there is of course the classic curb your enthusiasm the aunt the beloved aunt beloved c word yeah exactly that's one of the major ones was that

based on your life or i wish we rarely you know it's one of those things where it's rarely as dramatic as the uh as hollywood would have you believe oh really it's a lot of numbers you know like the most dramatic thing that's ever happened that i personally like was the proof reader of yeah i'll even go for like what you heard about like office gossip you know oh well i actually did a celebrity one if i could i mean i don't mean to name her but i did howard cosel's obituary really the howard cosel i don't know if people remember him but he talked like this there was a pit made a whole career out of it down goes cosel was that in it uh i wish it was like um i wish it was i'm sorry down goes cosel into the ground there he goes buried buried

the former you're not what's getting that good uh actually it's really good oh i see i knew i was good i knew i was good thanks so what was howard cosel's obituary well there was apparently he had some enemies in the uh in the um new york times office i did this for the new york times what the old gray lady the old gray lady i was an obituary proof reader i was i mean that's a good i was a proof reader and then i moved my way up to the obituaries that was the top proof reading job okay uh there's a whole hierarchy of proof reader what do you start you start with the news yeah you start with the front page because that's the easiest the front page is the eyes are on it and everybody just i mean there's almost no mistakes by the time it gets to you it's very easy

great a one reporters yeah they know what they're doing you got your top guys on the front page yeah exactly you know it's who care you know you're like it's like you're being a you know you're backing up john elton john elwin the football field yeah exactly yeah i thank you for turning that into something that i would understand this morning too well i'm a huge jock as you can see yeah i mean you've been lifting weights this entire time i didn't want to say thank you for not calling it out well since i stopped swabbing my my awesome physique has slagged you have like one percent body fat on you you're like about one percent body fat on my shoulders as you can see are as wide as i am tall yeah incredible uh-huh it's a weird physique but strong yeah your shoulders

are like five two and you're about a five about five two months square like a gas pump try to knock me over you're like a human chode in a way you want me to knock you over yeah try because my center of gravity is solid good as hard as you can yeah pretty tough right i mean really get into it back up and really really really really do like a run right it okay ow what the ow i'm sorry i'm sorry what the fuck jesus jesus scott you told me to you ever under saw that you broke a rib i'm sorry i didn't break my rib hold on what the fuck is wrong with you i'm sorry can we get i was kidding you were kidding i was being sarcastic i don't think you know it's our guys i do hit me again no thank you all right i was kidding what the fuck he's glider on the

roof you didn't even ask for that one my eyes i'm gonna help you this time scott yeah nice can i get in this yeah yeah yeah kick him kick him ow what's wrong with you what's all you're kicking me in my feet is the lightest person i've ever how he's he's five two he's like a square but he's he's as light as a feather it's like a being hazed it's like haze week in the navy whenever you cross the equator this happens really whatever you cross the equator they get the lowest ranked people they knock them around like a like a hockey puck i would love to cross the equator with the navy oh man sorry about that i was just a little misunderstanding i guess i could see how you misunderstood i uh i i i i

guess i kind of led you on to doing that and yeah it's your fault you led me on anyway somebody the new york times said that howard cosel was a beauty pageant winner and it was in the headline howard cosel beauty pageant winner dies huh and i caught that typo whoa oh yeah i wasn't a beauty pageant winner he's a sportscaster i would say it's not even a typo it's a pure mistake it was it was hard hard to be trying to type sportscaster and it comes up it was malicious i couldn't prove i couldn't prove the intention that's part of that's part of your responsibility is to prove if the original writer was intentional or accidental so if the typo was is there a jury process or there's an the ombudsman and um and two members of the uh oaks family oh man yeah wow okay so it was

a whole thing but that was rare most typos are just typos most typos are like oh clearly this is just like so you were all set to talk about this until two weeks ago that was gonna be my thing i was like you know bit your a proofreader uh for a while i mean i've had other i've had other don't let's not talk about it because we these are probably good premises we want to talk about later on other episodes they're not that good i mean all right look we have to take a break all right when we come back we'll have a locomotist that's have you ever done that was that one of your previous shots oh my god we'll have so much to talk to great yeah all right uh we're gonna come right back we'll have more howard kramer more brett morris will have more hewy chism we'll be right

back with more comedy bang bang after this comedy bang bang we're back uh we have brett morris here from who charted and howard uh had to leave apparently he didn't realize he could park here in the well i mean when you take your show off of yeah it's been a while i guess you know he didn't so uh i mean he he's not gone forever he just is moving his car moving his car so but while he's gone we want to talk about who charted pod.com right anything that you couldn't say while howard was in the the room i mean how's it actually going it's going pretty well i think i think we just need to you need to pick up these subscribers oh okay yeah so uh uh how are we gonna do that maybe just say who charted pod a few more times okay who charted pod.com yeah all right

all right uh we also have hewy chism and i'm i'm pronouncing that correctly right chism that's absolutely right yeah not uh uh because the temptation chasm or something like that oh that's the word you okay great yeah okay hewy chism is who are you thinking it was going to be like well i just you can pronounce it a little more like with a just sound i think oh i see yeah oh yes no you've never been made fun of no no i went to a very unimaginative elementary school what was the name of it if you don't mind me asking it was called the non-magnet school for literal obvious people okay so it was the most mundane student right so no one made fun of anyone's name well no one can think of any what we wanted to desperately but we couldn't think of

any ways to make fun of anybody's name uh i mean yours is prime and just right there i mean jism you know what jism is right uh not not exactly no is that uh is it a type of a i mean i know the slang term for sperm you never swab me oh that yeah yeah you had to have swabbed is that what primarily what's on those navy decks yeah it's mostly jism and um and uh and p and also green slime they love like green slime oh like nicolodian slam there are big fans of you can't do that in television in the navy so you're out there sweep it up come come yeah and p and nicolodian slime yep because it was just like hilarious prank those guys would do anyway the navy's changed is that right i i mean i think so when i was in elementary school um there was a

guy next to me and his name was richard short okay and then years later someone's like oh that could have been dick short and i was like what a what a great way to make fun of that guy yeah also could have you could have made fun of his height yeah anyway anyway all right great let's get to our next guest what do you say are you into this yeah what do you uh got on your phone there what are you looking at old uh who charted episodes because um i know that in terms of subscribers i think now that the now that the old ones are available i'm a fan of uh who charted oh you are okay are you a chartist uh yeah i would say so great i'm a i'm a chartist either the john flansburg episode from they might be giants he was particularly like a passionate record fan in a way that was a really

interesting discussion incredible that was during rock tober which is a new thing we're doing yeah during the month of rock tober yeah so i was thinking just maybe to help them do a bunch of month of march yeah maybe like people who didn't subscribe during the paywall would miss some of these episodes oh yeah now they now they can get and i'm just trying to remember what some of these that's very kind of you that's a great one i think yeah i think that'll be in the chart mark because right now only six months are available okay it's a little bit too old yeah the one was really good the right brooks wheeling brooks wheeling oh okay yeah i thought you said brooklyn vegan yeah you guys wouldn't talk to the blog brooklyn vegan right you had the editors of

brooklyn vegan on and you talked about like what musical acts and comedy acts are performing in 2011 brooklyn is that right anyway uh yeah brooks wheeling so yeah that's what i was okay great all right well let's get to our next guest though okay what do you say i also y'all ready to talk to him he's uh a locomotives much like yourself i can't wait to talk to him okay well here we go he is a locomotives please welcome this is his first time on the show please welcome mr toots hey there man hey mr toots really cool super cool stuff man hey man he's so positive hey i'm so happy to be here man wicked cool stuff man hey great what are you talking about when you say wicked cool stuff this planet man oh you're talking about the

podcast also but really cool stuff man it's a podcast yeah man so funny stuff in all the comedy jokes man but the planet as well really cool place so many things there there are like hundreds of things on this planet it's almost impossible how many there are yeah man there's so many absolutely mr toot appreciate that mr toots so good i wondered if he was every time i said your name we'll see man haven't decided yet no i don't know all right we're creeping back up to number one status i like it um mr toots you're a you're a locomotist you uh i love to drive i drive a train you oh you're that's my thing you're an engineer no i drive the train you drive it yeah that is not an engine all over cushtopia what's that i drive the

train all over cushtopia cushtop what's cushtopia cushtop what is cushtopia it's my parallel world that i'm from cushtopia you never heard of this cool place no no kidding me guys never no too smart dudes unaware cushtopia that's crazy i'm here too i know what i said man the music the basis two smart dudes in the basis you play rock and roll music there's no brains there only soul man rock and roll is the soul for me baby so you okay you're you're from a parallel earth cushtopia cushtopia how do you spell that k us and you have the same alphabet yeah k us it's a parallel world it's not a different world right parallel but sometimes with parallel worlds they've developed different languages sure yeah man you're a smart guy like you i wouldn't call myself smart oh really

i'm one of a blue collar guy oh okay yeah man south of the earth south of the earth man oh south of cushtopia okay no wait a minute so what is the nature of cushtopia everything's cush man the trees are cush the hills are cush like physically it's all marijuana yeah man it's a pretty cool place wait so your world is made of marijuana a lot of it i mean there's obviously some things if you want to try and poke holes into my world yeah there's some things that cannot be cush right like like trains yeah it's a normal metal train yeah and i knew you were coming for me because you're smart guys okay i knew you were coming but yeah most of the cool stuff's cush couches cush pizza box cush pizza not cush but we're not we're smoking man because i can only

imagine if you smoke cush do you smoke it on your world oh everybody does it's the whole thing oh okay it's like almost air yeah so if you smoke it you'd want pizza yes you need pizza to be pizza yeah well you can't look like i said it all can't be cush man yeah too much yeah so so far we found two exceptions trains and pizza what about the smoke coming out of the train that's just you know that's that 420 smoke okay what do you think the train runs on coals no way it rolls off fat nugs man so you so you have coals though they're existing yeah in your world you don't use them for the train no man that's dirty stuff man yeah well i mean we could take a lesson for you yeah trains in our world should run on cush right i think so yeah interesting what about a christmas

presents uh we don't celebrate that i'm learning what that is being here oh okay so you have uh is that because you don't have religion at all everything in cushtopia is free man wow yes there's no need for gifts because you can already just kind of get it's a really cool place does anyone try hard at their jobs if everything's free well honestly yeah man we're all really proud of what we do oh it's a pride thing mm-hmm and and we're also like for me it's like people need to get around sure but but there's not a lot of incentive for you to like work overtime or anything like that because if everything is free then you know why do anything well i understand this is the argument against socialism yeah like if that that you can just be lazy because the state will take care of

you so why should yeah we're like in our parallel world we like aren't plagued by greed what we aren't plagued by greed oh aren't plagued by greed yeah oh okay i think it's an arm plate by green no man that's not it that would not be cool no not kush not cool not groovy but you guys are all smoking weed all the time we're puffing we're puffing up but i would imagine that this doesn't lead to overwork either i mean you know with people always trying to compete and get the nicest you know keeping up with the joneses do you have the joneses in in cushtopia sometimes do you sometimes have the joneses yeah they can i mean just like me you can come in and out you can check out other parallel worlds you can you guys have the ability to check out other parallel worlds yeah man why have

we not talked to anyone from cushtopia you know honestly earth he's got a pretty bad rap man you said it was great it's yeah i'm learning that it's cool but like before i come here everyone's like that place is bad man notorious humans stinky be you man i went out mr. toots not so what's the mechanism of traveling between worlds is so you have to hire warlock oh okay so how but if everything's free well that's their job they're portal locks oh i see so when you say hire you mean just uh get the services i just say one thing yeah let's just pretend everybody's super happy at their job they love to do it okay sure i'm just saying yeah yeah when we hear the word hire yes what you know what what it means like you give money for yeah but you're just saying

like you yeah you get the services you toss them one of your nugs maybe toss one of your nugs i would imagine if you're a warlock you would be like really overworked though because like that's a specialty skill well there's lots of warlocks yeah yeah plenty okay what about doctors no we've got those man okay 20 doctors you know okay another day keeps the doctor away another day really cool he said a nugget day maybe yeah man oh i thought he said another day yeah another day keeps another day away man and that's i'm trying to like be in the present what where are you i want to be like more grounded sometimes i am in the past oh yeah we all i mean we all have regrets don't we but uh so you hire the services of warlock and then what does the warlock do he opens a portal man it's

super fun really cool groovy stuff man okay and then sometimes he has to call his buddies to help with the portal why hey sometimes you know if it's the longer the distance oh okay yeah oh i thought parallel earths were uh right next to each other yeah no just vibrational no i don't care to explain how it works oh no this isn't a science podcast you know like we're not gonna explain how parallel worlds nice it's like sometimes like you go next door is very close oh yeah and sometimes you're going next door it's very far i guess there's still next door if you live in montana i get very far away yeah do you have states in your uh uh world we have we come provinces there's methopotamia nice are we supposed to be high fiving while you're talking yeah man come on

there we go oh you want one man sure yeah no high fives for dumb man over here sorry so you uh uh mr toots yeah toots toot sorry i shouldn't be calling you mr toots right hey i think it's not my name would you call other people not their name i guess not who do you sound like i'm trying to figure that it'll come to us it'll come to us we'll figure it out so you love custopia and you're you're trying to dig earth you're trying to get into earth i'm just like checking out the vibes and there's a lot of stuff man really good visit about two weeks two weeks you've been here uh how long have you been here uh about seven days seven days okay so you're halfway through your visit and you're finding it to be relatively there's some cool stuff we don't have what's your favorite reggae music you

don't have you still blazing still blazing still blazing gotta bring back i just saw so amazing you gotta bring it back to your world it's like for me man it's like yes it just like fits the vibe that's crazy you don't have reggae music in custopia i love the stuff you got it you guys got wicked cool stuff you got a kidnap ziggy marley or something and bring him back or you know there's a lot of paperwork to bring people in and out and lots of stuff we don't you know it's kind of come in and go back out on your own yeah i saw that show with uh oh what's his name in parallel worlds uh who am i thinking of you got to tell me man the guy from uh the guy from the drumming movie i'm miming drums miles teller nobody the other guy who won the oscar jk rowling jk rowling yes i saw his

television show um so there's a lot of paperwork just a lot of bureaucracy he's tough yeah yeah so but because you don't want people like coming in stealing our kush dying to i didn't even think about trying to not to participate because if you come you have to work okay we gotta work we could go get some kush i don't know where we're locked uh i mean this guy's going back in seven days we could just like it's right with him maybe get some kush get a warlock over there i don't mean get like maybe a big garbage bag for you inviting yourself yeah i would like to invite myself come on i got nothing going on you're building ships i built one ship in a bottle i've been kicked out of the navy and the new york times i'm the only person on earth to have that happen today if we

bring reggae music with us we'll be excuse me we could be the reggae band you could be the bassist we could write bob marley's songs those songs are all bass it doesn't even matter those songs are just the rhythm the rhythm as they say i'll bring steel drums yeah i'll play like you know i'll just play a rhythm rhythm guitar like one just hit it once every four with music we could just put on like uh we could just press play on like a thing and sound systems are so good that i wonder what they're talking about man oh hey what's up oh and hey howard's back as well howard you won't believe what you missed yeah um this is mr toots he's a locomotist although that's kind of reductive second honestly second to nine yeah you're one of the best really thank you wow well

i'm the only man who run the train oh the only train guy there's only one train in kustafi where's it go from where to where it circles the province it circles the the entire province yes we stick clear of methopotamia we stick clear of harrowinsburg oh yeah cranksville he's from a parallel world called kustopia he's over here for a two-week visit i'm sure i'll figure it out you'll be as engaged as you have been in the previous segments honestly man you're the guy that i want to connect with the most yeah honestly i i can see it you should have seen adam palli here last week you would really love him so you you drive the train around kustopia yeah everybody around they need to go yeah big way anytime anybody needs to go anywhere that train that train line's gonna i thought your world was

kustopia but your province is from kustopia oh okay what's your world carl my world i thought you said that was kustopia it's earth man oh call it earth then why did you change when we have that and then we have what we have that we man not cool really not cool sorry i don't mean to get you in a little weirdness but we changed there was some idiom we used of like salt of the earth and you changed it to salt of the kustopia well you got me call you what you got me not being perfect man i'm all we're none of us are perfect is that right it's true it's true you know but he's like you don't say you're from earth you say you're from that's you say from america or los angeles yeah yeah really cool really cool i'm glad you're liking it so much i guess because you heard me

had a bad rap and you came here and you seem like you're liking it are you gonna spread the word that earth is pretty i mean this earth i guess is pretty good you know sometimes like it's fun to gatekeep like when you know like you ever go to like a really good taco place yeah and you want to keep it secret don't tell anybody may yeah because you want to stay really cool and you don't want the price to go up yeah that's kind of maybe what i'm going to do here man and you have tacos at on kustopia yes sir probably chronic tacos have you ever been there dude we man yeah man we man yeah we have a small man named we man you do yeah i don't know if i can call him small but yeah he's the biggest he's a he's a little goblin so it's okay most goblins are small yeah

this is a good question do you have uh i hate to rank my questions before i save it better be good here we go uh you know how uh some parallel earth uh theory is that well you know the same people would be in different iterations on the parallel earths i guess it it just depends on where the paths diverge uh but uh do the same people have sex and the same people are on both of these it's a split okay it's like a 50 50 or different you know okay so you're seeing some of the people you knew on your earth but you're but a lot of them are different because i think it's different it's just separate you know it's what is easier well you have easier for you to remember you have a wee man do you have like johnny knoxville like no johnny dep no okay no okay

george washington dr drae oh yeah we got him a doctor dr drae yeah man he's the guy he's like checks your knees man oh he's your feet okay is he cool so cool really cool everybody in your world works you said yes yeah so if everyone has a job as according to their their abilities each according to some people are the same because i've said that already so i can't go back but most of it is separate okay so it's a 10 to 90 split really cool okay really cool so if you did the paperwork and i was able to visit and i'm not saying you have to but just hypothetically if then i would have to get a job you'd have to be employed okay to justify there are no unemployed people who are or what about disability if people can't work we take care of our people

really i want to learn you should know what method putamia does to the people that cannot work what do they do they grind them oh it's right which is why i was a little apprehensive you know okay i'm not intimating it's not really cool yeah are there warring i mean are these provinces at war with the one another it's not good really it's really not good i'm so sorry to hear that how long have these wars been waging as long as i can remember oh how long is that eons really do you remember that ship in the Suez canal not much not much not much not much it's tough it's tough i've been called it sways canal sway from mtp sway in the morning we have one of those you have sway yes okay he's one of the 10% except he he rocks babies oh yes he makes

sure the babies in the bayonets are swaying wow okay interesting can i ask you why did you make this trip here what prompted you to come yeah i need some i know everybody has jobs uh but i i need some cash weird and you don't have to buy anything in your world why do you need this cash i want to i want to try and invest oh so if i get some cash here and i put the cash here and then i go back home it's supposed to make money this is the thing i learned about investing oh yeah really good if you had more money what what could you do with it i feel like i could come on more vacations here and i could listen to more reggae music and i could maybe discover new fun things does everyone just get two weeks a year that they can go do whatever they want but if you

are so bad if you have more money you could take a 52 week vacation essentially it's possible yes yeah it's never really been done it's kind of new because you do have money but do you trade the money back and forth even though we have kush we have kush we trade the kush but if i had money here because the i here's here's look okay i'm not gonna poke holes in your story thank you okay thank you what i what but i have a suggestion uh go back to your world gather up all the kush you can bring it over here and we'll pay you for it i think you guys would die smoking this bomb bomb try this kush crazy dry ass dude you want to smoke this shit yeah we want to smoke can you get a warlock on the phone right now i mean how do you think i've afforded all my

meals at arby's man i'm slanging kush on the side okay well go i go down to bennett's bardwalk man and i sell my kush i make a couple bucks man i mean a sandwich we want more though we want more than you brought over here go back to your place right now can you get a warlock right now and go back and get a like a huge huge arm full of it i mean i can call my checker we'll wait we'll wait right here for you okay okay okay so yeah hey man pick me up really cool thank you hey what's up frank nice to you man oh he's gone okay yeah okay guys here's what we're gonna do all right when mr toots comes back to toot we're gonna beat the shit out of him steal all of his okay yeah i'm glad you were thinking the same right we're all on the same page here

all right mr toot what a fucking annoying piece of shit like we're justified in doing this okay he deserves it there's no earth law that can convict us he doesn't even seem to want to explain his world yeah he hasn't even thought through all of his details yeah anyway mr toots hey do you miss me yeah we miss you so much we love you mr toot i brought like two pounds of kush two pounds which in my world is different two pounds five hundred pounds yes yeah it's incredible where is it can we see the stuff before we buy here man check give us whiff whiff oh shhh oy oy oy oy oy oy oy oy oy oy oy oy oy oy oh

oh bike and bike and bike sorry my erection oh these sounds are really cool so away whoa i love your pants are tight really nice yeah um oh my god mr toots what's behind you what is oh oh oh oh how's that you're not being nice mr toot du du du du uuuu you're that cush come on hang that cush huy get in on this man come on all right now everyone beat the shit out of huy yeah it's my turn we don't get him anymore we don't like that mr toots join in hey come out and watch it i don't want you you're not really cool mr toots i'm so sorry huy we wanted to steal all of your drugs what and we we humored him and helped him no you know what until we realized he was wrong humans on this planet

real stinky i came here nobody's stink you know i think they mean they think he meant that you're so stinky yeah this is not really cool i've been framed shut up shut up take him back to your earth what please and throw him in cushtopia jail can you call the world i can do the paperwork right now okay here's what we're gonna do okay hey shut up for a second huy this is all part of the bigger plan here's what we're gonna do when he comes back here okay he's gonna bring a policeman from cushtopia we're gonna ask me right we're gonna take him hostage they're gonna give us all the drugs that we want i don't understand this plan anymore you think like hi mr police officer this is my friend hey come on you gotta get locked up this isn't looking good

grab him oh what you're doing what you're doing lay my friend alone what you're doing oh all right hanging me up here's what you're gonna do mr toots you're gonna call a warlock and tell them that we've taken one of your policemen hostage okay they're gonna give us all the drugs that we want and a helicopter out of here okay man i want a helicopter too this could have been helicopters for everyone yeah for sure man this could have been a moment where you learn how to make a society that doesn't need work comey asshole we're you're in the united states of america asshole yeah this is elizabeth warren's country yeah before i we pull ourselves up by our boots wraps here before i pass to me when you're gonna die you've beaten me to a pulp i'm i'm barely mush that's

okay you don't you don't matter mr toots we need the police officer tell damien marley damien i said was good all right come here officer he's an officer here what you need put me down get me off my ankles you want to get me off my ankles you want to be like mr toot you're hanging me upside down you're gonna die like this motherfucker over here a bunch of stinky humans oh yeah stinky yeah i can smell it from your ass oh yeah but you tricked me didn't you oh yeah yeah you tricked me like it was real hard yeah you should be we got a musician here who caught you a bass player oh you must be done then huh here's what you're gonna do motherfucker you're gonna call your superior officers right let me know

we want helicopters for everyone oh wow it's a 15 it's a 15 protocol who are you you oh my god they come to helicopter helicopters they're coming to the portal one pill makes you horny and one pill makes you sad we're ready to meet your demands we're dropping down the ladder if you need to cross enter enter portally get the ladder that we want all the drugs that you were supposed to bring drop the kush drop the kush the kush is coming down in a basket great basket drop it oh my god i'll check it out it smells pretty sticky oh my god you ate your eyes what shut up your eyes went suddenly totally red i know what i'm doing

give me that kush give me that kush i want more officer take you i want more arrest you i got you beat the living shit out of me there's nothing left yeah tough shit ockerman i'm in charge of this operation now you open the box open the box for the kush all right i'll open it i got it open yeah quick oh my god the explosive diaper dirty fuckers i hope you're burning hell i've been charred oh they took the oh they took god they took the officer away dammit what a day god got beaten up at least four times i just set on fire oh you got set on fire i saw the explosive die pack it was a die pack i thought you it wasn't oh i think i just set myself on fire oh jeez i tried to burn it off with a lighter thanks for your hell powered

oh my goodness i'm plan on killing you all and taking the coast for myself hey mr. toots you're alive barely man i'm sorry man we thought we had the perfect plan hey just promise me one thing yeah you'll have me come back to the show you want to come back look i'll all right i'll i'll tell damien marley i'll give him your mess yeah don't worry about that but look we're running out of time here we only have time for one final feature on the show that's a little something called plugs yeah that was i want that shill by kevbot 4000 thanks so much to kevbot 4000 you guys are musicians what do you think of that i thought that was awesome i was gonna ask you who that was

was he was singing about plugs and everything yeah you know can you imagine how did you find that oh he sent it to us it's not like no it wasn't on the internet we spent a while it's been since episode six yeah i don't know you could just search like that and find things that are perfect for podcast yeah interesting it's a good base in that i'm all right guys what are we plugging obviously who charted is back on the charts itself it's creeping up the charts of most popular reboots of podcasts and people can get it where who charted pod.com or any app any app can get the free one and go to who who charted pod.com to become a chartist and to get one of these tiers anything else howard any other uh plugs you want to do you doing some shows or absolutely check out

company at chaplain every wednesday night also check out grift tours with beggin best keester and drop date duel these are la shows if you're in la is that correct well the first one was a stand-up show second two were podcasts oh great okay fantastic uh brad anything else you want to plug sure i'll plug a little thing called cbb world okay part of it yeah i have all right great sign up works a lot like who charted pod all right so if you're if you're there for who charted anyway right go ahead over to us too all right uh hui chism yeah i got two plugs one a podcast i like called you can't handle the sleuths it is on aphor mentioned cbb world yeah will hinds does that show yeah he's all right but i like most of the guests he get i think

it's a great show um kind of a confusing premise that's like it's a little bit it's a little blurry but it's a bit roughly an improvised murder mystery kind of premise is something that comes after five six seven years yeah don't don't force it i take the advice from my my mentor uh his mentor howard uh or will hinds takes the advice from this mentor and then also uh second podcast called screw it we're just gonna talk about comics it's a comic book podcast if you're a comic book nerd fan two brothers talk about comic books is the brother's part of it important uh they think so uh it doesn't seem to make sense as to how that would add value to a comic book discussion but they certainly bring it up a lot that their brothers and they they're talking about stuff they

like just kids yeah okay uh mr two two you're still it's great yeah bleeding out man super go get yourself don't worry yeah what do you want to plug in um check out some really cool stuff man there's a podcast by jacob by sake called um called uh i don't want to talk about uh fight club anymore we listened to fight club for 72 hours straight really cool and then there's a newer podcast called never heard of them with jacob by sake and asan williams where they talk in tunes mostly punk and hardcore music but anything's under the table and you can find that on the flagrant ones patreon patreon.com slash the fragrant ones anything's under the table anything's under the table um i want to plug well look we talked about cbb world uh we just put out

an episode of hey randy with the randy snutshow but uh speaking of hey randy i did want to mention we mentioned this last week i did want to talk about the uh los angeles cbb show uh over there at the ace hotel now look we're going on tour in two weeks for all of august but the la show uh in case you didn't hear last week's announcement we have three very special openers we have entrepreneurs entrepreneur tour featuring appetizer p newer and parents foster we have hey randy the randy snutshow and we also have bonanas for bonanza uh their opening for us and then we'll do a full-length cbb as well so uh you can get tickets for our entire tour we're heading out there and the lineups are pretty good i gotta say it's all coming together do some people buy tickets

for the entire tour uh i god i would hope not i'll see you there baby oh shit mr dude head over to cbbworld.com slash tour and you can uh get all the tickets and then while you're there at cbbworld go sign up because uh there's a lot of good shit that we're putting out uh including the archives of this show as well as ad-free episodes all right let's close up the old plug bag all right that was gungans close the plug bag by micah mccann great job that was great wow that was incredible all right guys well i want to thank you so much uh first of all uh Howard and Brett so great to have you back on the show and uh i mean you have the record right now Howard so we'll see if anyone can beat it but uh an incredible record earliest and latest episode of comedy bank

i want to come back next week okay see you then uh and Brett good luck to you always great having you on the show ever since that mr heavenly episode oh thank you and uh here we chism of course what needs to be said nothing i think yeah okay and then mr toots to toots all aboard you still have such great spirits you gotta come back i'm dying hey let's beat the shit out of hui what are you saying