Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - I Understand (Ben Schwartz, Bobby Moynihan, Ryan Gaul)

Episode Date: January 6, 2025

Ben Schwartz aka Sonic the Hedgehog joins Scott to continue the yearly tradition of appearing on the first CBB episode of the year! They chat about the Disney vault, New Year’s resolutions, and what kind of movie they would do together. Then, hitman Slow Pesci returns to talk about his next assignment. Later, pet groomer Darryl Day stops by to talk about his day long pet grooming process. Plus, the debut of the new Closing Up The Plug Bag Theme for 2025! Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

The comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang. Comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bank bang. The clothes may make the man, but the ham don't make the spam. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang bang. Thank you to hamming it up, but it's hamming it up, the abbreviation for Minnesota. I'm hamming it up. I'm having it up. Thank you to hamming it up for that cashphrase submission.

Welcome to another edition of Comedy Bang Bang. First episode of 20, 25. We did it another year, another fear in the books. Yep. One more fear. Every year we get one more fear. This time I'm afraid of clowns. What about you?

Oh, really? Sure. I'm afraid of big spiders, not small spiders. So what do you think of Spider-Man? Very terrifying. The fact that I have to write his adventures, his continuing adventures is me just trying to like dive into my fears. But Spider-Boy, you're fine with these smaller spiders. Oh, yeah.

He's small, yeah. The big ones that are about like, approximately, I'm looking at your giant head right here. Not that big of head. Really? Yeah, I don't think so. Compared to people in the city? I don't think so. Compared to people in the city?

I feel like to be a big movie star, I got a big head. I don't have that. So you have a country-sized head, you think? Yeah, I got a country bumpkin head. You see my head on like the sides selling pumpkins, you know what I can see that. And the pumpkins are bigger than my head. Yeah, that's right. Let me introduce you in a second. We have a great show for you

today. My name is Scott Ackerman. I'm the host of Comedy, Bang Bang. Coming up a little later, we have a celebrity sibling. That's pretty exciting, yes. My God, I love celebrity siblings. Celebrity sibling. We also have a pet groomer a little bit later. So very exciting show. And this gentleman, he's been on every first episode of the

calendar year, not fiscal year, for perhaps a decade. We're not keeping track. Someone's got to be. I think it's a decade. Every year we do this, we wonder how long we've been doing it. And I never look it up. Never. And then we come here and we should be like, we've been doing it for blank money years.

And it's probably something we can even ask chat GPT. Sure. Why wouldn't we out here? Let's ask, excuse me, chat GPT? Yeah. How long have Ben and I been doing this? Give me a second. How long do you need?

I don't know why it needs. Did it. Are we on hold now? What is? Could we get these results quicker? Next. Hello? Hello.

Sorry, took a shit. Who's this? You took it? You took like a virtual shit? I took a micro bit. A micro bit. Okay, a micro bit. So, Scott, yeah, I was asking how long Ben and I have been doing this for?

Long time, my man. Okay, that's not specific, chat GPT. Ask me what's orange in the room. Okay, what in this room is orange? I get to your room, dude. Okay, good. I'm glad about that. I can only take things that have happened in the past and put them together and give you a new answer.

So what do you want to know? Okay, what voice are you doing right now, chat GPT? Because it sounds a little... Min-a-mini-mini-mini. Okay. Okay. It's a robot voice. I just wanted to check. Min-a-minute, minute, minute. Okay.

Hello? Hello, yes. Do-da-da-do do-do do-do. What song is this, chat, GPT? Why can't you tell me what song you're actually singing? That's the swimming level of Mario. Okay. Oh.

Welcome back. Ten years. Ten years. Years, amazing. 10 great years. I remember the first time we did this, he said this won't last, and it did. And unfortunately, it lasted.

He is my sort of honorary co-host for this tradition. Once a year. Of the first episode of the year. You know him. He first burst onto the scene in a show called House of Pies that was on showtime. But you didn't burst onto the scene before then. I wouldn't say burst on the scene with that. Some rando asshole who would pop up and.

things every once in a while. So you've seen me in other things, but you don't want to acknowledge them? I couldn't even tell you what they are. Really? Yeah, no idea what you. But just a rando, just a rand, just a rant, just a r a rand, just zipping through my TV screen every once in a while. All right. And then, of course, he became a very well known as Joe, Joe Mouth. Never played a man in Joe Mouth on the Parks or Recreation show. John Ralfield, which is what you were talking about it before, before, I'm assuming. John Ralfield Park is right. That was before House of Pies? Yeah, it was before House of Pies. Okay. It was before Undercovers. You want to talk about it?

what Undercovers? I don't even know what that is. I think you came on the show to talk about undercovers once. Could be. And I bet you made fun of me then. And I watched it. I get no respect.

You ever hear my character, Rodney Dingerfield? Oh, no, let's hear a little. No respect. Ding. Doesn't, uh, Rodney Dinger? Yesterday my wife came in the room. She looked at me.

She said, what is that? A pecker? And I said, ding. I said, ding. And me, I get no respect. I would pull my bow tie. Oh, you were pulling your boat down. Yesterday I went to the golf course and they said,

you're not allowed here. And I said, why? because I'm Jewish and no, because you're bad at golf ding. So they don't let people on golf courses who are bad at golf? So you know that sometimes... There's like a general aptitude test. You know, yesterday I went home, but my dog shows me no respect. They had no respect for my dog.

Huh? Aren't you a dog? What are you doing? I'm thinking of the Rodney Dangerfield dog. Ryderdingerfield. I'm thinking of Rodney doggarfield? I don't know what the fucking talking about? Yesterday my dog came up to me.

He came up and pulled his leg up and he looked at me and said, not you. I get no respect. But now he is in movies. He's a movie star. Yes. He is the voice, as we know, of Bubonic the Ledge Dog. Sonic the Hedgehog, not Bubonic. Which, of course, came out last month and just rocked.

In 1991, it was a video game and we've done three of them. I'm talking about the movie that just came out. Idiot. Okay. I'm not going through the entire history of Bubonic, the Ledge dog. It's called Sonic the Hedgehog. The third one came out December 20th and the third one. the States.

December 20th in the States. You saw it, you loved it, you gave it your five-star review. That's right. Out of 100. And he is here now to just enjoy. I'm here not because we have to do it every year until we pass away. You think we're going to do this until we pass away. And I'm almost certain you die first.

I know how you die. You know how. Old age, ding. I love that, but you're going to die. Young age. Ding. I'm going too young. I'm Benjamin Bunn.

Oh, no, no. I'm becoming too young. Please welcome him. It's the elegant Mr. S. It's Benny Schwab. Benny, uh, himself. Ben Schwartz is here. Hi, everybody.

Ben Schwartz here, keeping the traditional live. Here we go. Another hour and a half of fun and adventure. What are we going to talk about? Thank you so much for plugging the... Oh, by the way, can we plug the... We'll do it at the end. Ben Schwartz and Friends is touring right now.

I don't care. It's just you shit on me every time I come and you never get real information out. So by the time it's over. You get your real information out as we go along. By the end, after the song, nobody listens. They shut it all. By the way, you're always touring, so it's not like a special thing. You're like, hey, we're touring now.

I get no respect, Ronnie Ding. You're always touring. Why don't you have a home thing? Yeah, seriously, why are you not home? I only leave for one weekend a month. I planned it, so I just tour the whole year, but only one weekend a month. What do you do the other? You just play video games around your house?

He did play video games. Ding, one time I played Sonic, I looked at me. He said, what are you doing? Stop this foot. That's my line. I get no respect. Ding. Dude, isn't it funny that you used to play?

Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? A little too. A little too. And honestly, I really do think. You used to play the Sonic video game. You were just a wee young lad pulling your pudd around the house. What is pulling my pud, my dick, pulling my dick around my dick around?

Pulling your little dick around the house. What is pud me? What have you ever said pud? Talk to me like you talked to one of your French girls. You never talked to me like a human being. Talk to me like I'm a guest you respect. Madam who's it? Oh, okay.

I'm sorry, I was going to talk to you like a French girl. A guest you respect? Yeah, maybe something. Pretend I'm John Hamm. Go, talk to John Hamm. I talk to John Hamm like this. It's a sickness. No, you don't.

I've seen you talk to John Han. But you used to play this video game and used to go like, Oh, left right, up, jump, pow. Hit the buttons. You look up. You look up when you press up. You crouch down when you press down. Okay. And then suddenly cut two, smash cut two, in fact.

Smash Brothers cut to. Smash Brothers cut to. You're playing the voice of this character that you used to control with your joystick. Now you control with your vocal cords. That's really, this is the first time you've ever asked real question. Where's the end of the question? What does it feel like? Does that suck?

Or is it? No, it doesn't suck. It's a dream come true. Dream come true. Think about me as a little boy pulling my putt. I can't believe you got me to say it. Pulling my putt around the house.

Playing that video game, loving it, loving video games altogether. And then all of a sudden, I get to be the way that kids are introduced to this character at this stage, which is incredible.

Do you think the kids are first see the movie and then play the video game? Or is it usually the other way? There's all sorts of different versions, but I think some kids this is the first time seeing it, then they go see the cartoons, then they see the cartoons, then they see the video games.

Do you think some kids see the poster first? What are you doing? And then they go, play the video game. Why for five minutes? It's a big deal to me to be in this movie. And then they're a huge movie. They say, mom, I've seen one poster. I've seen, I've seen.

I played this video game for five minutes. Can we just walk outside the theater and I can just like listen to people laughing inside? Like illegal to talk about it. I don't think it's illegal to talk about that. It's your past. You've done it as an adult, right? Pull my putt? Yes.

What does that mean? You've worked it, you know? Tell me what you're trying to say. Tell me what you're trying to say. You're trying to say jerk off? I mean, I'm trying not to be as crass as that. I'm trying to say pulling your putt. Pilling your putt is literally just as bad.

What is the last time you pulled your putt? What is the last time you pull your putt? Yeah, I want to exactly what your puttch words are when you pull your put up. I watched the videotape that I made of myself the last time I did it. So wait. But then you're not making a new video tip. No, I made a videotape the very first time I ever did it. I had to think about, I couldn't, I don't know what I thought about that time.

And then I've watched the previous. video tape every single time. Right, right. So you watch that. So then you film yourself. Talk about your big bang theory. Young Sheldon. Let's bring him into the mix, of course.

What? What do you mean, of course? How young? Nobody's asking to bring Young Sheldon there? How young should Sheldon have been? Because that show. I'm really happy we did it. The third one has Keanu Reeves, Idris Elba.

The third Young Sheldon has Keanu. No, this has nothing to a young Sheldon, of course. Let's not bring him in, of course. So, like, here's a shot of he's in it. Young Sheldon gets too old. he's done this show. They're like, we got to cancel this young show. Jim Carrey plays two different roles. Should they have made him like just even two? What's your favorite Jim Carrey movie? My favorite Jim Carrey movie? Number 13. I think it was number 23. Oh, okay. I was always subtracting 10 from it. What's your favorite movie? Someone brought this up the other day to me and someone said Lilo and Stitch. Is that your favorite one? Who brought this up to you? Like what you're, you're a grown adult man in his 40s. What I did is I asked you a question that you could have answered. Instead, you're having a piece of shit. You're having a conversation with a number. You're having a piece of shit.

with another adult human being and you're saying like, what's your favorite Disney movie? You're asking about 10 year olds pulling their pud and fucking this. This is adult conversation. This is not adult conversation. Nobody talks about it like this. This is a podcast. I asked what your favorite Disney movie is.

It's a layup of an answer. What name 50 Disney movies? What? There's got to be at least that many. Well, you said Song of the South is your favorite. No. You said that 20 times. No, I'm the one who put that in the vault.

You put that in the vault? Yeah. Who gets to take those out of the vault, by the way? I know, that one's been in so long. Have you ever been in the vault? Oh my God. I used to work at Disneyland. Yeah, but goof.

We passed by the vault once. And they were like, this is where we put all the videotapes that we don't want anyone to see. That's not true, is it? Yeah. No, it's right. It's like it's, you know that price is right game? Wait, stop looking at me the eyes. Is it true?

Yeah. You know the Price is right game where it has the giant wheel and the safe cracker thing. It looks exactly like that. It's not true. This is false. But it's a facial recognition. What do you miss most about working? So I put the goofy mask up there.

I'm asking you real questions if people can learn about you. What's your favorite part about Disneyland that you miss? Probably this general vibe. You're so bad. You're bad at this. Maybe this is with me. Oh, big cough. You shut it off your cough.

Everybody he coughed. I hope you can hear it on my microphone. Oh, so sorry I coughed. You've never coughed in your life? I have not yet once coughed. You've never caught. I've had the same thing in my chest. Let me hear what it would sound like if you could.

Tust. Tast. Tast. Almost. Tast. Tast. You're halfway there. That's Ta ha ha.

Learn to fly. What is that from Wicked? That's from Wicked. Wicked. What is your way to go? Wicked. Have you seen Wicked yet? I have seen Wicked.

You know that? Wicked was a big release from 2024, but it's 2025. We're talking 25 things now. We're talking about Wicked Part 2. Oh yeah. Wicked Part 2. Oh, yeah.

Who knows at this point? Don't tell me. No spoilers. Give me one hint about what's going to happen 2025. 2025. 2025. Okay.

So, uh, okay, uh, January 6th, some interesting stuff's going. No, no, no, no, again, again? Yep, I'll be there. Will you be there? No, of course not. Come on. Come on. Come on. Are you talking about to go to D.C. Sure. DC. Uh, delclose marathon. No, it's DCM. Oh, so wait, hold up. Are you going to the DCM on July, on January 6th? Yeah. Oh, that's what you were talking about. No, it's not at the few short days. There's not a UCB at, uh, there's not a UCB in D.C. Okay. What do you mean? Okay. What do you tell me exactly what you're doing? What exactly what I'm doing? Yes, January 6th, what are you doing? You're here in L.A. Wake up? Wake up.

No, I'm not, wake up. Hey. Little Suzy, wake up. No, I was doing the corn one. I was doing the wake up little Susie. I was there. Wake up. Wadababab make up.

You wanted to. Oh, corn. I thought you were spelling that with a frontwords K. No, this is a backwards. This is the backwards K. Okay, I understand. This is like Toys Russar. Yes.

Oh, remember Joffrey and the other. The other... What's the soaring? What's a soing? What's a sowing? What's a sowing from Toys R Us? I don't want to grow up. I'm a Toys R Us kid.

There's lots of stuff that I can... No, there's a million Toys A Toys R Us that I can play with. From bikes to playing to video games. It's the biggest toy story there is. Gee whiz. I don't want to grow up because if I did, I wouldn't be a Toys R Us kid. I wouldn't be a Toys R Us kid. It wouldn't be a Toys R Us kid.

Cannot be a Toys R Us kid. We should be a Toys R Us kid. We should save this for the solo bolo one day. Yes. Oh, which already happened. We had a solo bolo, obviously. A lot of people are calling it. You said the best solo bolo that's ever billowed ho ho ho.

That was maybe not a compliment, but, or at least a backhanded one. Oh, Nolo Bolo. Oh, Nolo Bolo. Ben, what does 2025 have in store for you? It's January. Do you have any resolutions? Oh, great question. My resolution.

What's the most annoying thing about yourself that you wish you could change? Excuse me? What's the most annoying thing about... I have a list right here, but I want to hear what you think. No, I don't want to hear your list. You should have me this entire episode. I don't need you to hear. No.

I love you. What? I love you. Holy shit. Stop. This is real? I love you. Are you, who are you looking at?

I'm looking right in your eyes right now. Okay. Say my name. Can't do it. You can't do it. I can't. But Ben, I love you. No.

There, Ben, I love you. I love you, Scott. We sometimes say at the end of episodes, but never at the beginning. What are your resolutions is here? Oh, man. I'm trying to, you know, add 50 pounds of mass. Yeah, yeah, a muscle mass. I want to try to 50 pounds.

I have some protein powder that I could. Yes, I'm trying to get it in my toes. It's not a powder. It's more of a goo that I've been collecting. You've brought this up already. You've brought this up already. I'm not going to suck in your semen cum. What? I'm not going to, your semen cum is what you're calling it.

My husky. What do you say? My esky? Your semen come. Look, Ben. What's your resolution? What's my congratulations? What's your resolution?

What's my resolution? I want to take my. my 50 pounds of muscle mass and I'm going to give it to you. I would take it, dude. Yeah. Wouldn't that be great if we could switch bodies? Imagine if my toes were 50 pounds stronger.

If we could Freaky Friday each other. Just our toes? Just our toes. Your huge toes of my tiny, tiny little ones? Yes, I would love that. Oh my God. And then you would be walking around with my big toes.

Oh, God. Can you imagine how fucking weighted down I'd be? Freaky Friday, toe style! What movie should we do together? Every, any movie? It has to be a movie that's come out. What movie do you think you and I, without being a bit? What movie do you think you and I can do well together? I would really love to do

something like another 48 hours with you. Oh, like the sequel to 48 hours. Yeah, the sequel to something that everyone loved that everyone Another 48 hours. Yeah. Do you think we can do, if we were planes, transnational, you would definitely be Steve Martin and I'd be John Candy. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you say transcendental what? Planes, trains and automobiles? Planes, trains, and I've never heard of this movie. You've never seen planes and automobiles? I've heard of planes. Yeah, have you heard of trains? Yeah, in passing. Do you know who Steve Martin is?

Yeah. That guy who goes, hickory dickory duck. King Tut fell off the clock. I would love to do a buddy comedy with you Where we fight all the time Okay And then at the end we We learn some grudging respect for each other

Maybe we shoot like 100 people during it What if we were two sheep And it was an animated movie Oh I would love that I was a black sheep you were a white sheep I think that's appropriation But we can both be white sheep Like the black sheep of the family

Oh this makes sense Yeah I would love to This makes sense Now this makes sense I would love to be cast in an animated movie movie with you. People who are making cartoons out there.

Okay. Ben, I mean... Do they listen to the podcast? They listen to the podcast more than anyone, I would think. I think you're out there casting Ben. He's the voice of Sonic. Ben now has a contingency. We need to do it together. Okay, now if they said, hey, you know what? We need it. Not Scott's voice. Give me, so Scott has different types of voices he does. So I'm going to give you a character and you give me the voice that you are. You're a wily squirrel.

Okay. How wily? On a scale of one to ten? That's a great question. need to know that. You're seven out of ten Wiley. Seven out of ten. So I'm not like as Wiley as Wiley as maybe a coyote. Wiley Coyote. I think Wiley Coyote. Wiley Coyote. What is he a nine out of ten would you say? I would say what? Then what's more Wiley than Wiley Coyle? That's a good point. Maybe he's just a full 10 out of Okay. So I'm a Wiley what now? A wily squirrel who's obsessed with mathematics. Okay. Here we go. Here it is. And you can name yourself while doing the impression. Okay. Hello! Stop everybody. It sounds like you're doing Wiley Coyote's voice the two times.

I know. I couldn't get Wiley Coyote out of my head. Okay, so let's wipe it. Wipe it. Okay. You are a duck. I'm not even thinking of Wiley Coyote anymore. You are a rabbit, right?

But it's not rabbit season, and you're always chomping on a carrot. Okay, here we go. Hello, I'm Wiley Coyote. You even said Wiley Coyote. You did? I think I heard it as he came out of my mouth. No, everybody listening can clear to tell you, I was leading you to Bugs Bunny and you still went Wiley Coyote.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry. I think I just, I have, you can't do that voice. Okay. Do Bill Cosby. No. Okay. You can't do that voice.

Okay. You can't do that voice. Okay. Do Puddy from Seinfeld. Putty from Seinfeld. Yes. We all know Puddy. He was married to Elaine.

Was he married to Elaine? In real life? Yeah, in real life. No, he wasn't married to Elaine in real life. He also does the voice for Sorin-over California. He's not married to Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Puddy? I don't think so I think in this show.

That's not how he got that job I think of the show Seinfeld Then how did he get that job? What are you talking about? The acting job? What job? The job on Seinfeld If he wasn't married?

Yeah, he was married to Julia Louis Dreyfus. Is that true? Yeah. Google that. Chat Chappetee. Yes. Was Puddy married to Julia Louis Dreyfus? Hold one second.

Mom, I gotta take a shit. I know, just let me take a shit. This is taking so long for a drop, drop, drop, drop, top, top, top. Okay, yeah, what do you need? What do I need? I asked you already, chat, GPT. Come on, I got things to do this for a hundred people. Was putty, 100 people?

That's not a lot. Not a lot of people using. It's more than like if I had 100 customers to take care of. You're wasting your time. All right. Was putty married to Julia Louis driver? 1-1-1-1-1-0. He's doing the 1-0-1-0-1-0.

He's doing the 1-0-1-1-0. Puddy 1-0-1-1-0. What other putty? What other putty or 1-0-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1. I thought I thought I was a puddytta. No, not married to the one-th of the other. Oh, okay. I got your answer.

Okay, what's the answer? He did do the voice of Soren over California in Disneyland. Okay, that's not what I was asking. Oh, 1,0, 100, 1,0, 1,000, 1,000. I think he did it Elaine on the show, and I think that's where you're getting confused. Is this still Chad GPD? This is Chad GPD. Ask me anything.

I know all the wonders of the world. Name anything. Okay, what? I know all the wonders of the world. What are the seven wonders of the world? Egypt, Pyramids, Great Wall of China. Egypt. Pyramids, Great Wall of China.

China. Little men on top of a tiptoe. Little men on top of a tiptoe. 1.011.101.101.1.1. 101.1.1. Okay. Well, that was fruitless. I don't know.

I think you're pretty sure you're married to. You said you're making one big investment in 2025. Are you going to tell the group what the 2020 and the 2025 investment? That's right. Okay. All that money last year? We're going to do this every year for now. You tell people what to invest in for 2025.

Remember last year? had a big prediction. I said put all your money in Dogecoin. Yep. I loved it. I love this stuff. I'm like, I can't get enough of Dogecoin. Yep. What are you going to put your money in this time? You know what happened. You know who the new president's going to be. What do you putting money in? Okay. Take all that money out of Dogecoin. Which hopefully made a lot of money for you. Hopefully it made you a bundle. This is a Scott says. Scott says, take all that money out of Dogecoin. Yeah. Put it all in Playboy stock. Playboy. Playboy. It's coming back. Are you sure? The magazine. The glossy magazine. You mean, you know, the center folds. Yeah, you think that people are going to go for print, playboy. Oh, they love the stuff. Are you sure? You know what's in those centerfolds, man? Women, naked women. Oh, so you've seen one. Well, I haven't seen one in years and years and years. What was the last one you saw? Wow, great question. I think it was the one that Marge Simpson was on. Oh, that's right. Yeah, Marge Simpson was in. Well, I just did a bit, was she? Yeah, she had, well, I mean, the, you know, it was a double foldout because of her hair. Yeah, exactly.

Anyway, that's my tip. That's my tip for 2025. Scott says, Scott says just the tip. What about just the shaft? God, that'd be tough because how do you get around the shaft? All I want is the shaft.

All I want for Christmas is shaft. You know, when people say just the tip, it's like the tip is where all the bad stuff comes out. What? You know what I mean? Scott, what are you saying? You know, it's like that's the stuff I don't want in me.

When you ejacculate, what comes out of your penis? Bad stuff. What stuff? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what it is. Texas D, gold, boys. Texas D.

Well, look, Ben. Oh, it's been great. I can't believe you have to go to it. Sonic the hedge dog is out. Sonic the hedgehog. People can still see it. Yes, right now you can still see in theaters. We're trying.

Listen, if enough people see it, we get to make another one. The next one is going to be bananas. So I hope it's great. It's such a weird process. If enough people see it, we get to make another one. I think that's how anything works, right? If something is popular enough, you get to do another one. That's a good point.

I don't know. If this show bombed, you wouldn't be able to do another one. I guess you've been bombing. for years. Go to commercial? Yep. The first episode of every year. That's when I go to commercial because I roasted yours. Nice. We're going to go to a commercial. We have, oh, this is exciting. We have a pet groomer. Oh, cool. Coming up. Oh, what a show for the last year. We have a celebrity sibling. This is incredible. We have Benny Schwab. I'm going to be back. I'm not going anywhere. He's not going anywhere. We're going to be right back. We'll have more Ben Schwartz. More comedy bang,

bang, bang. We'll be right back after this. Babba-da-bba-dib-dibibibibibibibib. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back with Ben Schwartz. Of course, the voice of the titular. He puts the tits in the titular. Don't say that. It's a PG-rated film. Although Sonic the Hedgehog has big tits. He doesn't have big tits. He doesn't have big tits. He doesn't have that. Isn't that the change they made when like his teeth were too weird? So they were like, let's distract everyone with his big natties. No. No. Okay. In any case, he's in Sonic the Hedgehog 3. People can go see it. Sloppy Natties was a term that.

used in an episode of something recently, and it's really catching fire. It really, everyone's saying it out there. Yeah. Yeah, 2025. I think it's going to be in the Oxford English Dictionary is the new word. Really? Sloppy Natty. You were talking, you're about to plug something in mine?

That's right. Anyway, Sonic the Hedgehog in the great pantheon of animated films. You went to the premiere of the first one. I did. Yeah, you weren't there. But it was a lot of fun. I sent you text saying I liked it and you were like, yeah, I'm at home. That was the second one.

That was the first one. my dear boy, I haven't seen the second one. What? Look. Turn it on right now. Pause the, pause it. Do you want? I'm turning it on the TV right now.

Okay. Oh. Okay. Boom, boom. Okay. Boom, boom. Wrong, wrong. Wrong.

Don, but. Da, da, da, da. What, which one is that? Which group is it? Which studio is it? What is that? Da, da, da, da, da. Doof.

Doof. I want to say. It's not Fox. Who knows at this point. But in the great pantheon of animated films... Wait a second. Wait a second. Talk of animated films.

You have yet to tell me your favorite Disney movie, is it Peter Pan? Peter Pan. I love Peter Pan. Hey, is that your favorite movie? Oh my gosh. You can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, fly, you can fly, you can fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly. I love it. Peter Pan, what are we talking about? All right, that was fun. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hello. Who is that? I don't know. Come in. Hello. Hey. Hi. Excuse me, we're in the middle of a show.

I thought this was a badgerom. I got a bust a piss. Who's this? Who's this? Sorry. We're, sir, we're, uh, you're sorry. You're sorry. No, I'm saying sorry because I'm.

Yeah, me too. Bust a piss. Yeah, did I start it? Did I say it weird? Why are you repeating it? Sorry, who are you, sir? What? I got a bust a piss.

I'm presuming that's something you can to pulling your pud. No, there's nothing like that. I got a bust a piss. What's a piss? I got a piss. It's time to piss. Lori, you sound familiar, but. Ah, son of a bitch.

Who is that? Sir, who are you? You're interrupting a show here. What is he? Doing the traditional opening podcast of the year with the choice. Which is it, inaugural episode, come me bang, bang, for you year, 2024? That's right. That's right.

2025. Oh, shit. Is it were we in 2025? Yeah, we're still writing 2026? Are you still writing 2024 on your piss? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God damn. Still writing 2024 on your piss.

What's your name, sir? My name? Yeah. Slow Petch. That's slow Pitch. Oh, slow Pitch. You're a guest on the show today. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that. Okay. I came in a boy. I was going to wait for a show in a green room. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to come on myself and be caught in or not. And then I thought, you know what? I'm filled with fucking peach and apple. He came in early.

He just knocked and came in himself. I was always early. Slow, How are you, sir? I mean, honestly, fine. Please be honest when you're answering. Are you a little brother or older brother of Joe? I don't like to say, well, though.

Sorry? He's my older brother. I'm the younger brother. You're the younger brother. You and I have spoken before, have we not. Yeah, you remember. Two decades ago. Okay.

That makes me feel good. Yeah. You don't remember. I do remember. I'm the person who said it. Oh, great. Yeah. I'm a huge fan of your brother.

Everybody is. Are you an actor as well? I want to be. Yeah. I mean, the whole world was just watching your brother in the Home Alone movie last month. Yeah, they love them. They comes around every Christmas. They start watching it.

It's like when he's the most famous now, really. Are you from New York? Yeah. What part of New York are you from? The street, the gutter. The gutter of what part of New York? Are you familiar with Times Square? Yeah, of course.

Everybody is. That's a huge ball just right. drop there. Not me. You've never heard of times. Oh, so you're not familiar. You just never heard of it. I just never went near that part. I never got that far in. Okay. Sorry. Slow Pesci, what, what, what do you do? Who me? I think that's a different guess that we have. Yes, you.

I don't know what you're talking about. Slow Pesci, what's your favorite Disney movie? I mean, it's got to be Coco. Now, is Coco a Pixar movie or a Disney movie? Listen, I'm going to jump over this desk. Sorry. I don't know if you heard me earlier. I'm a hitman. There's a reason I'm here. Oh, that's right. You're a hitman.

I forgot about it. But speaking of the hitman business, are you on a current contractor? I was it, but you brought it up. So now we all say that again? Wait, is it, this is a verbal thing where if someone asks you about a contract, then suddenly you have to kill them? It's like a vampire thing where they invite you in the house. No, no. He was in Renfield.

He knows. I do. That's right. I audition for that shit. Did you? Which part? For which role? The one that our friend got.

What's his name? Brandon's got Jones? Yeah, you would have been great. Thanks. Brandon was amazing, too. He's amazing, too. But they needed a tall. You know what?

It's like the card I got. My brother becomes fucking Joe Pesci. I become a fucking hit man. And I'm a fucking podcast with my dick on my head. Come on. You think Brands Cow Jones is like Joe Pesci and you're like... No, he's better than my brother. He's amazing.

My brother's a real fucking piece of shit. You don't like your brother. Joe Pesci. He's retired now. What did you call him? Retired. Shit. Retired.

But, uh, motherfucker got canceled, or he? Yeah. Scott, you almost got canceled a couple of. of times in 2014. Yeah, it slipped right through it. Nice work. He seems to not act any longer, which is...

The Joe Pesci. He was in the Irishman. Oh, yeah, he was. Yeah. That wasn't him. That was you? No. So I know they CGIed him to be younger, but they Cgied him the whole time? Yeah.

Wow. That wasn't him. Wow. It wasn't me, though, either. It was all the brother. It was who? Snow Pesci. Snow Pesci?

Yeah. Is that a guy who likes cocaine or a guy likes the snow? He's a snowman who loves cocaine Oh, he's like hot frosty? He's our little brother. He's the littlest brother in her family. My mom fucked the snowman. Oh, wow.

It seems more like a snowman would fuck her. I think so. How dare you? Sorry. Scott, say you're sorry. You're going to get canceled this early. The carrot knows that I'm sorry. Sorry.

Sorry, sorry, I beg your pardon. But in any case, so the relationship resulted in a pregnancy and a little half-brother of yours? Love. It resulted in love. That's nice. That's so nice. Are they still together or no? No.

Was it a hot frosty situation where the snowman came to life first? Why do you know what hot frosty is? Because people do know what hot frosty is. I'm not going to like, I do. I don't know what hot frosty is the movie that came out last year about the hot snowman who comes to life. What are you talking about? Everyone knows what hot frosty is. You have four people in the room now.

Have you heard of hot frosty? Not one person here. Yeah, but you're all in your 50s just about. It's the... Don't Google Hot Frosty. I don't believe you that it's... Right there. Hot Frosty. It's called Hot Frosty?

Yes. Is that Lacey Chabre? I believe it is, yes. Lacey Chabair fucks a very hot snowman. Is that true? Yes. And then what happened? Ben there, da, n.

My man. Was it a hot frosty situation? Now that we've established what hot frosty is. No, it was not a hot frosty situation as I think about it. The snowman did not come to human life, but the snowman was alive. Yeah. And so it had it, was it always alive or was there some sort of magic? like a magic top hat, much like the regular frosty, non-hot frosty.

Ew, we found a wet boot, a magical wet boot. Someone put this orphaned boot on, on. That's a good reference. On orphan black while they were wearing wet boots. If you're going to eat, go ahead and be proud of eating and talk right into the mic. Tatiana Maslani left a wet boot, a magical wet boot on the street. I don't fucking understand what is so goddamn hard about this. A snowman put it on.

My brother, snow bitchy. Snowbecky alive So wait your brother was The snowman that your mom had sex My mom fucked the snowman Jesus Christ No but I'm confused

My mom fucked the snowman Yeah When does the wet boot get in there At the hospital When she was given birth Oh wait so your mom fucked An inanimate snowman Which got her pregnant

At the hospital Totskyana Maslani You're not doing a good job explaining it on this I just want to say this. Take us through the chronology. I 100% disagree. Okay, so start from the beginning.

Your mom. Who's my mother? My mother has nothing to do with this story. What? You brought her up so many times. The whole time you've been talking about your mom. What's your mom's name? Roger.

Your mom's name is Roger? But the female one. Oh, female. Roger. All right. My father fucked Dracula. Okay, so your dad fucked Dracula, and you had a kid.

My mother fucked a son. So they weren't having sex with each other ever? No, they didn't like each other. They were together for money reasons. Oh, I see. But they had, so they had both of the boys, Joe and Slow. First Joey, then slowly, then Snowy.

But you said you were the youngest. I lied. What is the problem with you? Oh, I get it. He lied. I don't understand. Okay, so just what we get it. So your dad had sex with a vampire.

Your mom had sex with snowy. Not just a vampire. Don't just gloss holy. That's very reduct. Sorry. Of Dracula. Dracula is more than just a vampire. Dracula.

And then your mom had sex with a snowman. Then when she was in the, when she was in the hospital, she gave birth to a snowman. That snowman fan Tatiana Maslani's wet boot. He put it on and then came to life as snow peshy. The tale is all this time. Wow.

We have to find out who you're going to kill. I don't understand why. You do that. I don't understand why. Can you give me a signal. I said it into a live microphone. Give me like a hint of who you're going to kill next. A hint.

Don't tell us the whole thing. Give us a hint, who could be. Yeah, maybe the first letter. No, get like a hint. Like, what do you mean? You mean like a riddle. You can put sugar in it, but you can't take sugar out of it. Okay, what have you ever put sugar in?

I guess coffee? I guess you could say it's any person. Sugar dissolves in liquids. Yeah, that's true. So you put sugar in. But also any person eat sugar and you can't get it back out. I guess they could shit it. Yeah, I guess, yeah.

And I just want to say you guys are way off already. Okay, so it's not a liquid or a person? Oh, no, I was wrong. It's a person. It's a person. Okay, so give us another hint. What's good for the goose is not necessarily always good for the gander, if you ask me. Okay, so maybe someone is like a person.

Part of a big company or something like that? Yeah, or a duck, maybe a duck kind of thing. Well, he's saying it's a person. I know, but like a person who ducks a lot, you know, like ducks underneath. It's like down button like you're talking about before. Yeah, you know, like ducks underneath. pole. You know how like sometimes when you're a relay racer

you instead of jumping over the thing, you duck under it? My concern is that maybe he's saying stuff that has nothing to do. Can you give this one more? Yeah, one more. I had a roommate in college that couldn't eat peanut butter. This is a true fact. I had a roommate in college

his name. Which part is true? All of this is a hint and a true fact. I had a roommate in college named Martin Alatoro He was Polish, and he wouldn't eat peanut butter if he had socks on because he said the textures confused him, the soft texture in his mouth and the crunchy weird texture of the socks on the ground. Is that true? That's one of the truest things I've ever said in my life.

So he had texture imbalance. If he would not eat, if he was to eat peanut butter, he would take his socks off because he didn't like how the two feelings, the two sensations felt at the same time. Would it be crunchy pan? So if he was eating something that had peanut butter in it in the mess hall, I'm not going to call it the mess hall. Am I fucking 40s army guy? Yeah. The cafeteria.

You take his fucking shoes and socks off and you eat the peanut butter and put his socks and shoes back on. This is insane. I love this. That's why I'm telling you. So is it that guy? Is it that guy? No. It's one of you guys.

Oh, well, okay. Are you allergic to peanut butter? Do not like peanut butter? I love peanut butter. I love peanut butter. Okay. I have had sugar. Yeah, I have sugar too all the time.

Is there a thing that you can say I could decipher between another Scott? Maybe the goose in the gander is specific to one of us. We both kind of run our own businesses. The guy I'm going to kill has been in a famous movie. I mean, I was in Austin Powers gold member. He nailed that on the first one. Oh, too.

You're going to die. Oh, okay. What was your role in Austin Powers? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Young Michael Kane. Michael Kane. Yeah. Give me the line?

Unfortunately, I did not have any lines in the finish. product. Well, and then shoot, what was your line? Hello, I'm Michael Cain. That's great. Hello, I'm Alfred. Would you like to be Batman? That's great.

Something about it. Who me? Oh, I did. I don't know. I would love to be by me. Yeah. No. So why are you going to kill me?

I'm a hit, man. I get a piece of paper. Who gave you that paper? You wouldn't... See, that's the whole thing. I don't know. It's very, like, you don't... Can I see the piece?

of paper? Don't, you don't have to see it. Yeah, let me just, Scott, you don't have to see it. It's just got,

you shouldn't show anybody else to be paid. It's got somebody's AIM on it and then I got to look and find out who that was. Okay, so this, this is your old, you're old,

it's a message thing. Yeah, this is the AIM. You don't have to look at it. From Benny 69 69, weird. Yeah, Scott.

Alckerman, right? Yeah. Ben, is this you? Ben, Benny 69, 69. Every time I come on this show, you fucking say the weird. the weirdest and meanest things about me.

You're always impolite. You're always unkind to me. I don't get that sense. We mean, listen to any episode I've been on. I don't get that sense about myself. Do you think you deserve to live? Give me one real reason why you deserve live. I'll give you 100 reasons why I should die.

I have a family. Do you? I have a family who loves me. They depend on me. Do they? Yeah. They're fine in my place right now. My family's over at your place right there.

I knew you're going to die, so I took, I'm taking care of your family. That's so nice. You're welcome. You're going to take care of their family. them for the rest of their lives? For as long as it takes. What does that mean? A couple years and then it'll be fine.

A couple years. So they find a new guy that can really support them and not be such a cockface. This is terrible. Can I cancel his contract? Money talks, you know. I go. How much do you get paid? How much did he pay you to kill me?

Him? Yep. You're not going to money. Who him? Who him? Yeah, me. $350 million. $350 million?

That's how much you got paid to do Sonic? That's how much you got paid to do Sonic? Just for two. That was, Yeah, that was for... That's just your two money? Yes. That was for my guest spot

and Bob's burgers. All right. Well, I'm going to have to dip into the... Probably the... Spangang t-shirt sales. Yeah, maybe my Spider-Man money, but I'll go $351 million. I'm looking at you to see

if you're going to go a little bit higher. $400 million. Can you go higher than that? $400 million in $1. Price is right rules. I can't do it. I can't do it. You can't do it.

You can't do it. You can't do it. You can't do it. You can't do it. dollar. It would have to be two more than he previously bid. 400 million and $2 you can't do. I can't do it.

All right. You're a piece of shit. Do you have Venmo? No. You don't have Venmo? No, I don't have Venmo. You got to pay him in pennies. You got to pay me in straight coins.

Everybody knows this. That's the whole thing. I hate Venmo because every time you pay someone in Venmo, then somebody else is like, oh, look, oh, look, slow patchy. I don't know what I was about to say. I'm going to have to go to the coin star here. I don't like what it says like slow peshy. gave this guy five bucks for pizza.

It's like, fuck you. I don't want you know when I got pizza last week. I was just going to say, you don't know what coin star is. No, you got to go a bank,

a bank, my man. Or you got to go to Nathan's arcade. Like an arcade. Yeah. Which Lepethe knows about. Is that Nathan's arcade still there? It just got turned away.

You know that there's a pizza room on that street too? Oh, no. I was. I know somebody used to work there, but it's gone. It's all gone.

That was when movie land was there. It was the best. Yeah. Westchester County. Everybody's favorite topic. Yeah. So does this cancel? Sorry, I just bust the piss right there by accident.

Oh, it's crazy. Oh, my God. It stinks to you. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm a grown man in a puddle of my own pace now. Yeah, that's a lot.

So who's the embarrassed one? Me. All right. I'll get you the $400 million and $1. That's great. I didn't think it was going to turn out that coach. I said it would be a great segment because now you're not going to die. I'm not going to die.

I'm not made money, basically. How did you make money? Maybe I'll lose money. Maybe I'll get a pet room and see what. Yeah. Well, tell you what, why don't we take a break? When we come back, we're going to have a pet cower. This is very exciting.

Do you have pet slow Joey? Or what's your name? Slow Joe. That's a different character. That's a different person from the comedy. I had a hit out once on him, but I didn't do it. You didn't do it. He's cute.

He's cute. But do you have a pet slow, peshy? Yeah, I got an axolato. It's illegal. A what? Why are you eating so much? I mentioned we're going to take a break and then you preemptively. I don't eat much so I don't have money to buy the food.

Well, you're about that $400 million. Yeah, but I don't have it yet so fucking relax. I'm having a fucking flavor blasted goldfish. What is flavor blasted mean when it comes to goldfish? It means that they, instead of putting a little bit of dust on it, they put the normal amount of dust they used to put on it, and then now they call it flavor blasts so that they think you're getting more. But the truth is, it's the same amount of black. Yeah, yeah. It's the old blast.

It's the old blast. All right. Well, speaking of an old blast, we're going to get it. an old blast of messages from our sponsors right now. You son of bitch. I'm the king of second. This motherfucker over here. When we come back, we're going to have a peck rumor.

We'll also have more from Slow Peschi. More Ben-I-Schwa. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang-Bang! After this! Comedy Bang-Bang! We're back. We have Ben-Schwarz. Benny Schwartz.

Ben-I-Schwa. Ben-Swa is here. You can see him on the silver screen, of course. Yes, it's out right. It's still out. Still out. We could use the more, if we make enough money, we have to make another one, which I'd love to do.

I mean, isn't that everything, though? You make enough money. They go like, oh, make more of these. Sure. I loved you in Flora and Ulysses. Thank you. I think Bobby Mornham was in that, too. He played a comic book owner.

I think I... A comic book owner? Like, you owned a one comic store. A comic store. But I will say, when we were doing that, I'm a professional comic book owner. I own this comic. No, it's not one.

We found a way to get the entire Ducktails cast into that. movie. It's very exciting. Incredible. I've never heard of it. What a fun fact. But I would imagine that it's probably a great, great movie. Got taken off Disney Plus, I think. Can't see it no more. Yeah.

I think you have to buy it off the Apple now. Yeah, baby. That's the way of show business. But you know what? Let's check it out with Bat Girl this weekend. Let's not talk about show business anymore. Let's talk about the peckrooming business. Because we have a wonderful new guest coming on the show. Please welcome for the first time. Daryl.

Hey, Darrell. Daryl Day. Nice to meet you. Hi, Daryl. Very handsome, all three of you. Thank you so much. Very, very handsome. Oh, cool, Daryl.

Yeah. Daryl, I have a dog. Do you do what type of animals? I will, I will groom any animal. And we will clean them as the day is long. My last name is day. Oh, Daryl Daryl. That's what we say.

Daryl's Dora. Dora's Day, Doris Day. Doris Day is a person. Yeah. Yeah. Like that. Same spelling. No relation or no?

Uh, no relation that I know of, but you don't know in today's world. I might be related. There's so many people in the world now. Mikey Day, of course. Charlie Day. Charlie Day. Definitely related. Oh, you are related to Charlie.

Christmas Day. Oh, yeah, Christmas Day. That's a good one. That's not, I'm not related to Christmas Day. Okay. Unless you're talking about Jesus. Are you Jewish as well? I am not Jewish.

Wow. Okay. So then you're not related to Jesus. Right, because Jesus is Jewish. We're all related to Jesus. We're all, Jesus is all our fathers. We're all related to Judaism. Well, I'm not Jewish.

Can I ask a question? Yeah. When I bring my dog and they do this anal gland thing where they release the anal glands. Why can't? Dogs are very dirty. What do dogs do before people were paid to do this? Yeah. Do they just walk around with anal glands?

Yeah, they were very dirty. And sometimes if anal glands can just pop and just they will, if you do not clean them, they will leak. What is inside of them? It's a musk. And it's assigned to especially during heat. It can help get the other dogs hard. So it's easier for them to fuck. I will clean though.

By the way, can you use clinical terms? You're a professional. Is that possible for you to like? I'm a groomer and I'm self-taught. But I will guarantee if we take your dog. You taught yourself how to release the anal glands? Yeah. How do you do it?

It's different with it. It's like snow flakes. It's different for every single dog. And that's true, depending on the type of animal, because you can leak the glands of any animal. It's not just dogs, all animals, including... I have plants. Can you milk me, Greg? That's good.

I understand. I understand. But you can't. That's funny to not respond and just say, I understand. I do understand, though. Roads. We're going, we don't need roads. That's right. I understand.

So our process is a day-long process. It's the same price as if you went to, you know, a normal groomer. But we take your animal. And it's not just dogs. I understand you have a dog. Of course. Well, tell me another animal. What's your, what's the most common?

Birds. You don't do the animal lands of birds do. No, no, no, no. No. I'll squeeze that. They don't have a typical gland. But they do, if you get up in their little shitty, shitty, shitty shudder.

You are a professional person. Can you please just use... Well, do you want a clean dog or a clean

pet or a clean bird? I want a clean mouth. Does it matter? On you when you're talking about... Animals are very

dirty. So the more I can describe as people how I'm going to clean them. That means you should be cursing this entire show?

You have to get into those shitty, shitty little corners. It's a little refreshing thing. I feel like he's talking

kind of like how I understand there. Yeah, I want to be able you know, whoever comes in with their animal, I want to be able to describe the process that's going to happen. And we will, we will clean them up all day long. I just don't know whether I

would trust my animal with a foul mouth gentleman such as yourself. You don't have to. I'm not saying everybody has to bring their pet, the people who do relate to me in the way. Would that be a great business if every single person had to use you? That would be a great. Is there a business like that? I guess water power for whatever city. I guess, they're all broken up into different companies. I mean, like, if there was, I guess the IRS. Yeah, that's true. That's good. The government.

The government. The credit card. Baseball cards. Just tops. There's other baseball cards. Name one. I understand. So the game is a little different now.

So I understand isn't just for quotes that you know or things like that. That's right. Okay. So it's for anything? Yeah. Okay. Anything that I understand. Right?

Yeah. Yeah. So Darrell, Darrell. Darrell. Yes. I'm sorry. Darrell Day. Get back to what I do. So do you have a dog? I have two dogs. Any other pets? No, just those two.

I don't know that we need to bring kids into this. I wasn't going to bring them in. Well, you're the one who said kids. I know. Are you just naming your favorite movies? No, no, no, no. I was just trying to get a layout of what your situation was with your family. Okay, I have a situation with my family. I don't know that it needs to come into our relationship. It doesn't have to. Great. We're agreed.

I'd like to know about it. Why? Why do you need to know about it? Because I like to learn about the entire family, the pet owner's family, because it's hard to clean a dog. Yeah. If I don't know what your home life is like. How dirty is this pet? Can I give you a hypothetical then? You go, there's a horse. Okay. Horse in the family is a family of four. It's a mom and a dad, two kids, the two daughters, ages six and nine. It's going to be a dirty. very dirty horse. So I'd start with the big fat dick and you'd have to... Oh my. The sheath. Mr. Day. Mr. The BFD. Wait, what is he going to do to it?

What is he going to do to it? What if they don't have a big fat dick if it's just like a normal... Have you ever seen a horse without a big... Yeah. If it's a woman, if it's a female horse. I'll get it very, very hard. So much that it's glistening. The dick? Yeah. To what end? Well, no.

I'm not gross. I'm not going to do anything to it. I'm going to clean it. So I will rub it. I'll scrub it. I will scrub the shit out of it for hours. So you're jerking this dog. This horse is big.

I don't jerk it. What I do is take a wet towel and I wrap it. Okay. This sounds exactly like. Sir, you're getting hard while talking about this. I'm just going to say, I have never understood a doctor more. Really?

Yeah. I, I wish you were my doctor in a way. No, I've had a lot of people ask, and I can't, I don't cross that line into humans. I wish you would because you got a good bedside, man. You make things really easy to understand. I get it. I'm getting it, too.

Listen, I will wrap and tie. We heard with a towel. A washcloth around it. This is a wet washcloth. Yeah. You know, like glistening dick, you take for hours and you put a washcloth around it. But do you know how like when you take a washcloth and you make it into it? Like when you're jumping a horse is dick with a towel.

We get it. You understand. I did. No, I get it. Well, you choke a horse's dick with a towel, with a terry cloth towel. But if you, if you move it back and forth, the- Okay, stop miming what you're doing to this. The penis. Sir, you're so hard, your buttons are popping on your pants. Audibly. Auto. Doing.

Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. When do you clean the horse? That's the first step. How many hours is the first? That's the dirtiest part. And then you get into its shitty butthole. And a horse, I don't know if you're, if you're familiar. as a massive butthole.

Massive. No, I don't know about the... And you have to get inside that thing. What do we talk about? We're talking at least... Well, it depends. Before, the actual anus is pretty... Now you say anus?

You said big glistening dick, dirty, dirty fucking asshole. And now you're being clinical about your language. I switched it up. If you're more comfortable, that big goddamn shitter. See, I don't know why you need to ask. add goddam to it. I mean,

now you're just taking the Lord's name in vain. To emphasize that it's a big one. Okay. It's not necessary. I don't think.

You have to get up. Say like big honkin or you don't have to say goddamn. Sometimes there's a lot of leftover dirty shit up there. Yeah.

And you have to get that. So how long do you concentrate on the S? Right now it's three hours on the deck. How much on the S? Well, it's three hours on the dick

at least. Sometimes it doesn't like get, I have to wait for it to soften before I can go back to the big that big fat asshole in the back. Okay. So now you're cleaning the asshole.

I'm cleaning the asshole with, with my hands. I'm just pummeling that thing, just hitting it as hard as I can. So you're punching a horse's asshole? I'm punching up into it. Okay. That doesn't make it better.

Like uppercut? It doesn't, like, all uppercats. Are we talking haymakers or uppercuts? So you're basically like, Jake Hall against Mike Tyson? with this horse's ass.

But all upper cuts? All upper cuts. Do you understand? Do you understand? That was actually my first draft team was gold all overcuts. Oh, really? No, I understand. Okay.

So that, depending on how long it takes to loosen up that shitty hole, because you have to, you have to be able to get in there and clean it out. And you have to go pretty deep, pretty deep. Okay, so now you spend hours on the dick and the asshole. So the dick and the asshole are your biggest problem. Personally, if I have a horse, I don't know that I have this kind of time to leave. it with you. I agree. They have dirty little shitty eyes too and you have to get in there and shitty eye. What does that even mean? Shitty eyes. Because they get mosquitoes and bug bites all over

their eyes and you got a windshield? You got a key bite and their eyes. Yeah. I've never heard that. So what do you take a squeegee? No, no, no. Just use my thumbs and I will go in there and you've just been inside the animal's asshole. I. It's going to get conjunctive I and I do not wash anything along the way on myself. That's your promise. That is that is that is. That is. a promise. So I get in that shitty little corner of the eye and I rub all that shit around. Okay, you're just making it worse for that. Yeah, I think that would give them pink eye,

no? It will give them pink eye, but it's purposeful. Purpose. How? Because a pink eye will raise the probability that the horse's immune system will strengthen that little shit will be able to be... I gotta say, Darrell, I don't know that I

would trust you with any of my animals. I never had a pet uh pass away that yeah that's like the baseline if you've ever had a pet pass away then i would three times try it if you've ever had a pet pass away i would imagine do it three times do it three times if you've ever had a pet see start over do it if you've ever had a pet pass away one if you've ever had a pet pass away too if you've ever had a pet pass away then then i would imagine that your business would be closed down i've had a cut i've had a few deaths.

That's pass away. Then yes. But not of the animals? No. So they have died? Only one. It's all horses. What's all horses?

Horses have passed away. Most of the, all the horses have not made. Day, fucking, what are you talking about? The horses don't make it through the process. What percentage of the horses don't make it? 100? I've over the year, and we've been around, this is our 10th year. I'm surprised that you've been.

business for 10 years. Well, I haven't been making money for, but I've been, my first horse was in 2015. And since then, I've done about 25 to 30 horses. How many horses have died? Somewhere between 25 and 30 horses. So all the horses die. All the horses have died. I admitted that. I don't know. All dogs down to heaven? No. Not all the animals died. Do you understand that? Yeah. It's a Disney movie. Yeah. So you do understand. I understand. It's not true. I found out a lot dogs go to fucking hell. Is that true? Do they really? How did you find this out? Do you kill dogs? I've killed

a bunch of dogs. I know people don't like that, but I'm here to say it into a microphone on a podcast. I have killed dogs. Is John Wick based on you? Are you the person that killed John Wick's dog? It was originally called Slow Pesci. Instead of John Wick. People were like, that's weird. That sounds

like the actors, brother and I went down my mask. My whole fucking life. And then they're like, what if we called it John Wick? And we hired an attractive man instead of a five-foot tall abomination. So, wait, you were originally playing John Wick who killed his own dog. Yep. They changed all things. I think they said it was too depressing and weird.

I think so too. I'm not, that's why I'm not upset about it. I'm not, I wouldn't be upset about it. Also, I love Keanu. I hope he's going to kill it. Love Keanu.

He's going to kill his shadow. I know. Who's he play? He plays Shadow. Do you understand? Like, yeah, I understand. I understand. So I have killed no dogs.

I have killed. No dogs? I have killed snow dogs. I have killed snow dogs. Okay. So wait, you have killed dogs? You've killed snow dogs? Just snow dogs.

I have most dogs. And I don't know that it's me that did it. I just know that they never make it home. But it's you. Who else killed snow dogs? Who's that? Wow, do you understand? He killed all the snow dogs at the end of that movie?

No, he just killed in that movie. He killed. He's the greatest that he'll never do anything weird or wrong. Nope. You can, I do have a gentler cleansing, and that's usually where the dogs are fine. and it's when I am very gentle. Tell us what you do the dick and ass in that. I don't do the dick in the ass.

At first, I start with, oh, okay, so you get the teeth. I give those shitty little teeth. I get in there. You're being very, it's almost as if you're being rude about people's animals, like the shitty little teeth, you know, that's, that's a judgment on your part. Well, they're coming to me to clean the animal, right?

Okay. And to clip the, so I guess it is a tacit agreement that the animal, animal is dirty. Is that what you're saying? Right. I mean, they wouldn't, why else would they bring the little shitty thing to me? Okay. Now you're- And the nails, those fucking, uh, dumb, dumb nails that they, they say, like, clip the nails. I wouldn't come to you. Sorry, I have a dog. I wouldn't come to you. You wouldn't, you can honestly look me. Yeah. Straight in the eye. Yes. Okay, look, Ben, go ahead,

look. Daryl day. And I'll offer my services to you. Ask me and I'll tell you. Hi. Hi, Daryl. How are you? I have a dog right here and. I want him cleaned. All right. I'd love to take care of that for you. Now, the reason why I'm not going to do it is because you uppercut the dog's asshole. You take my dog's penis. You take a moist towelette or a rag and you jerk the dog.

No. You take the shit from the asshole. You put it into the dog's eyes. You take the dirty, dirty feet. You take those. You take the dirty, dirty nose. So there's no reason I see. Dirty shitty nose.

I don't see any reason why I should ever go to you because my dog will be worse. Well, your dog will then continue. you to have a shitty, shitty little asshole, a shitty dumb nose and stupid shitty eyes with all the shit. All the shit around this is working. Do you think you could take care of that? I would love to take care of it. And is it a male dog?

It's a female dog. So it doesn't have a dick. You can't jerk it off. Are you interested? Yeah. I can take care of it. What would you do with a female dog? I just, I use the same, uh,

cloth and I wrap it around that stupid little pussy. Oh, Jesus Christ. The whole vagina? Well, I wrap it up in a cloth and then I just rub it. Ben, I'm begging you, don't leave your dog with this guy. I don't want to, but you're saying you could get a cleaner than anybody else? I guarantee when that shitty, shitty little... What's your guarantee? If you, if it's not clean by the end of the day, the Daryl Day, then you can... How long is it down the day?

Daryl Day is a month. No. So you need a month to clean my dog. Yeah, but it stays with you at night and then you drop it off every morning and I continue to work on that little dumb little pussy. You basically fondle my dog for a full month. No, I don't fondle it. There's nothing sexual about it. There's nothing hard to understand about season.

It's a Darrell Day. And Darrell Day is a month. Darryl Day. I understand. $60. I understand. $60 plus tip. How much are you expected to tip on this?

this. People usually tip at like 20%. Every once in a while, somebody will be like, I'm not tipping. So $12. So $17. We're all in on $72. $72. For a month of you taking my dog and abusing my dog. Every day. And I'm not abusing. A Dary all day. That's offensive. I don't, I really don't abuse animals ever. I clean them.

If I begged you, just, I want you to take it for one 30th of a Daryl day and just get my dog in and out there. Just clean my dog. You're not allowed to touch my dog's asshole or her vagina. We have a program. We have a program. Wait, I'm not allowed to what? Touch your, my dog's ass, asshole of vagina. So why bring it in?

It's going to be dirty. Darrell, you got to get it in the mouth. You clean it out, you clean that shitty little mouth out. Oh, God. Darrell. Daryl, I'm going to stop you here. God. Can I make an observation?

Yeah. It seems to me, and this is just from an impartial observer, I have no stake in this. I'm not going to leave my dog with you at all. It seems to me you got into this business in order to touch animals private parts and genitaly. That's what it sounds like to me too, Scott. It seems like you're disgusting.

You're not interested in the job unless that's a major part of it. It's not true. I'm going to bring my dog in. Can you please cut my dog's hair? I just want to go on record by saying I hear almost the exact opposite.

Okay. So you're here. Wait, let's hear a man. What do you hear? I hear a pet groomer talking about the job that he loves doing. Okay. Let me give you a hypothetical.

Okay. Let's do the same role play that great Ben is. That's a fake. Look them in the eyes. Hi. Hi. Hi. Okay.

Hi. Welcome into my shop. What's your shop called? Do you want something to drink? This is my husband, Ben. Sorry. Hi. Can I get you both something to drink?

Yeah, champagne. Yeah. Okay. I don't care. Do you have the finest of champains? Yeah. Scott, get to the thing. How much would you like?

We're getting some free incredible champagne. Do you have any caviar as well? We don't have caviar. You're getting distracted. You had an idea, remember? I had, flavor blessing to it. He's got caviar and champagne here for us, Ben.

God. And do you want some as well? No, I would just like to get to what Scott wants to talk to you about. Okay, I'm going to have my champagne and caviar. Jesus, Scott, you're drinking the whole bottle. Excuse me, I'm a homeless guy from the street. I need to bust a pace. You should be calling yourself unhoused, sir.

My apologies. I don't mind. I don't mind at all. Look, a minute. my kind of guy my kind of people are really up on the toins um it can can you you can you can deal with this gentleman sorry I thought I was just entering the scene I have to use the restroom I got a bust of pace all right we feel free same thing thank very much I've gotten just ask her what you want her do you say ask her ask him we don't

know we don't know your pronoun sir oh that's true or ma'am or So could you tell us those and we'll be able to address you the way that you want to be addressed? I'm not he-him. Great. Okay. Can you please? Scott, what do you want to talk? What made you think I was a woman?

I didn't say her. What are you talking about? You did say her. I said Ben-Hur. I just watched the movie Ben-Hur. Oh, that makes sense. What was your favorite part? Well, the Spike Jones movie.

Is I talk about that? Yeah. Do you understand? Well, when we say you watch Ben-Hur, your name is Ben and you were watching her. Thank you. Excuse me. I don't mean to further confuse the situation, but there's no toilet paper and a human head in the wait a second.

what's happening in the bathroom? No. It's a fake. It's a fake. Oh, it's a fake. That's fun. It's a fake. It's left over from Halloween.

Do you have any more of the finest champagne? Holy shit. Here you go. Ask. It's unlimited. Unlimited. It's unlimited. Okay.

We have a dog here. What's his name? Why do you think it's his? You haven't asked my dog's pronouns yet. Because he's got a beautiful little hard put. Well, how would you see that? Because right now it's behind a chastity belt, a locked chastity belt. Oh, very smart.

Scott. The only key that exists is in my possession around my neck. This is good. All right, go. Scott, go. I would like you to clean this dog. Yes. While I sip upon the finest of champagne.

My minute. Yeah. Vintage years. You got it. And you just clean the fur around the chastity belt. The pubic area. The pubic area is locked off. It's locked off of the chastity belt.

It's inaccessible. Try to touch you right now. See what happens. Ding. I can get one finger if I push the skin in. Get your finger off. Get your finger. I can go around the belt and feel some stuff.

No. Yeah, but you can't get to the put. I can't get to the putt and that's frustrating. Why? Do you want a business, sir? I want to get to the pud. Answer Scott's question. Look him in the eyes.

I will absolutely clean your dog for you. Just take the belt off. We're not taking the belt off. No. You want to leave with this dog unclean. I don't want to leave. I want to watch you do it while I sip upon the finest of champains. And also the dog.

will be clean. Just that area doesn't need to be clean. We checked it beforehand. It's fine. What about it's a shitty little asshole? Scott checked it before it's fine. We've done all of that. We go to a separate doctor for that. I will have to look at it. You don't. So you're not interested in our business then? I will have. These are our terms.

Read the poster on the wall. Hold on that's tiny writing. It says when we get in that shitty little asshole it makes you remember that there is a god. So give me that sweet shitty dick and that sweet asshole and I'll clean the rest of your dog.

Wait, and that's attributed to Abraham Lincoln? He didn't say that. It's not that. He didn't say that. It's not that Abraham. I'm afraid that we're not going to be able to leave our dog. Just say yes or no. You're not allowed to touch the dog's ass or I will do it. I will do it. You will do it. But I can, I get one phone call before I do it. You want to phone a locksmith. I want a phone a locksmith. Okay. See, now our hypothetical is over right now. Okay. And Daryl. That was good, though.

That was good. It seems to me. That's a hard situation. It seems to me as if you are totally uninterested in this job, other than the feeling these animals' genitalia. Have you ever done it? No. Of course not. Neither one of us has done what you're saying.

Not even to a bird. I just want to say on record, I would give you my axolotl right now. Wow. I would give it to you right now in a hot. You know what he's going to do it. Say it again? You know what he's going to do with it. He sticks a couple of things in.

Coming back clean. Well, why don't you look him in the eyes. Go, give him, let's see if you... I would give you... Hi, welcome to the shop. Hello, how you do it today? My name's slow. I'm fine.

My, um... Excuse me if I'm a little slow. You're not, though. You're never slow. You talk so fast. Does it mean... That was the fastest you talked today. Don't know, don't know, check, but...

All right, go, keep going. You're speed talking. What can I help you with today? I got this little axoladl over here. A very real animal. Mm-hmm. And I was wondering if you could clean the shit out of its balls and ass.

Absolutely. See? I'm excited. It's $60. You'll drop him off. Yeah, I wasn't lying. It's a real animal. I bet you I could clean the hell out of it.

Does it have a shitty little piss hole? I gotta tell you the truth. I feed it and then I walk away. I never seen. I don't know what happens after that. I feed it. I smile. I go,

you're okay, pal. And it doesn't thug. So I just walk away. So I don't know where it's asshole is to be honest. I'm guessing towards the back. I can find it. Yeah. I'll wear gloves.

and it'll be fine. Thank you. And 7 o'clock tomorrow morning, we'll start. That's not going to happen. Why do you need till tomorrow morning,

Darrell? I got to prepare. You can prepare. Just like get all wound up for it. Okay, I thought maybe you need to get some supplies or something. You just mentally need to do

from now to tomorrow morning at seven. What are you going to do? Just get prepared, get happy about it. Tell me how. I'll go watch a bunch of videos about like animals. And like,

I, like, there's a bunch of animal videos. Like America's funniest home videos or something? Some of those, but also just like,

like, like, like, Safari videos. Videos? Watch like animals that are cleaning each other. Okay.

Darryl, Terrell. Daryl. Like close-ups of animals, assholes. That's the, that's animal porn. No, it's all of them

shitting and stuff like that. Shitty little, shitty little, uh, corners, dumb little shitty mouths. Daryl, if people are,

entrusting their animals to you, they want fast service. They don't want you to wait to psych yourself up to do this kind of stuff. Well, you got to sacrifice fast service. You can, you can either have it fast, good, or quickly, but you can't have off-free. Fast and quickly or the same thing. Look, Daryl, we're running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show. And that is, of course, a little something called plugs. No, it's plugs. Dear comedy bang bang comedy beanbag, why don't you have an official bird? Look, look. From this moment, I decree that your official bird is the American koot.

You're welcome. That was why you have no bird. You got very excited when you heard that. I do like that song. Yeah, the buttons on your buttonfly jeans started popping off again. It said that these are Velcroed on. So they will fall off sometimes, Scott. Why did you Velcro buttons under your jeeps?

Because they come off so often. Okay. That was by John Rogers. Thanks to John Rogers for that. And guys, what do we plug in? Ben, obviously Sonic 3 is still on theaters.

But also go to Reject thejokes.com backslash Tor, Ben Schwartz and Friends is touring all through 2025. You're going to absolutely love it. We're doing a whole bunch of cities and more that are being announced. And we'll tour probably once a month throughout. But look at your city. Look at the website. your city should be there.

It should be really, really fun. All right, yeah. Longform Improditary. Checktojokes.com. All right, slow, peshy. What do you want to plug? Hey. Gossie, good fellas.

My brother's in that. Yeah, good fellas. That's a good one to plug. Thanks, Scott. You can listen to the Humee podcast on CBB World. Oh, yeah, that's a good podcast. I like that one. Yeah, Bitman.

Bobby Bitman. Yeah, Bobby Bitman. Yeah, that's a good podcast. We watch NCIS origins on ABC. That's right. Now, this is an NCIS set during the, years where people had flip phones,

prequel. It's a lot of, yeah, it's a lot of, DNA didn't work yet. A lot of explaining that the things that take very short time now

are gonna take longer. Okay. But still there was a lot of naval crime back then. Oh yeah. Same amount of naval crime. It just took longer to do. It makes me wonder

when I watch these NTIS shows like, are sailors just a naturally like criminal lots? You know what I mean? They're always doing naval crime. There's always some kind of crime.

What are you going to do on a boat? Yeah, that's a good point. I guess murder crimes. That makes sense. Yeah. And Darrell, what do you want to plug? I wasn't finished. Oh, I'm so sorry.

You are slower than... Please go to Darrell's business. I am a big supporter. Oh, wow. I don't know about this. Thank you. Get your dog clean. Darrell, what do you want to plug?

I'm just going to give you my favorite Instagram handle to follow at R-Y-G-A-U-L on Instagram, Scott. on Instagram. Yeah. And are you on TikTok also? I am on TikTok, but I don't know what that is. Right. I don't know what my handle is.

Okay. I mean, somebody's handle. And I've looked up your website for your business. Apparently your phone number, if people want to book any, yep. Any dogs with you is 310, 980, 4053. That's right. Okay.

Anytime. And you can text for an appointment. All right. Great. Fantastic. I want to plug, you know, we were talking about the Who Me show over. there on CBB World. We have so many great shows over there. We have, of course, this book changed my life and Hey Randy and so many great shows. We have Scott hasn't seen. We just

had the Scott Hasn't Seenies Awards, which we just did. And Santa Claus came over and watched the postman with us. So many great things over there. We have College Town. We have the neighborhood listen. We have ad-free episodes at this show. We have the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang. If you want to go back and listen to the previous almost 900 episodes, they're all up there. Oh, you can tell us from when this started. That's right. You can, yeah, please.

Let us know when this tradition started here. All of that is over there on CBB World. You can get all of that. So thanks for being subscribers for these many years. And now, normally, we would close up the plug bag. We would play a remix. But as is tradition, every year, we have a new theme. Ben Schwartz creates a new theme to close the plug bag.

Now, Ben, one thing I wanted to mention is, it seems to me for the past 10 years, we have made a mistake where we have, this is meant to be a closing up the plug bag theme. What do you mean? I think this happened maybe the very first time we did it. We accidentally thought it was an opening the plug bag theme, but it's meant to be a closing.

It's closing. So you know the premise. So the whole idea is we're closing the plug bag. Closing up the plug bag. As if someone just plugged stuff and now this is the end. That's right. And the end is happening. This is when we close the plug bag.

And we're going to improvise a theme here. I'm going to join in and slow Peschi and even, even Daryl Day, if you want to join in on this. I'd love to. Okay, great. All right. So, Ben, let us know when you're ready. We are now going to improvise a theme for closing the plug bag.

Just so I know, 100%. We don't even have to say the word open because we're closing. Exactly. In fact, I would prefer that you never even mention. the word open. Okay. He's taking the last sip of water. Okay. Here we go. Here we go. This is the closing the plug bag. Closing the plug bag. Thank you. And you're going to use this for the whole year. For the whole year. Yes. All right. So let's not fuck it up. Okay. All right. Closing the plug bag. Right. Close. Close. Close. I almost heard myself say open, but I don't,

I want it to be closing. Yeah, exactly. Okay. All right. We all have bags. And they need some clothes in. We need these bags. Because we're nosing that in these bags are lots of plugs. So just grab the piece of thread and tie it up real tight. And then loosen up that knot because you know you got it right. It's time to open up the plug bag. 2025. I'm talking open.

up the plug bag and then you are alive. You got to open it up and make your dreams come true and open it up and let yourself be a truth. You got to open up and see all the plus because it's not time to close it up just yet. It's not time to close it up just yet. I said it's not time to close it up just yet. Open the block back with me, dude Open the blog back with me, dude

Just please don't close it and be rude Please don't close it and be rude You got it Opa, Opa, Opa, Opa, Opa, open, open, open, open, open, open, opa, opa, open, opa, opa, Opa, Opa, Opa, oh po Did I do it. Well, that one rhyme more than the other ones. It definitely is the most rhyming we've ever done. I want to compliment you on that.

So let's talk about the good stuff. It's like the most, like almost song. Yeah, I think that was almost a song. It was pretty on key the entire time. Yeah. It rhymed a lot. You had a great. deal of commitment.

It started off really, really good in talking about closing up. I feel like I was trying to close it. Did I not? I will say that maybe a third of the way through, it kind of did a pivot. Would you say it's a banger regardless? Oh, it's a bang. It's a definite banger. People are going to have so much fun remixing this.

Okay, okay, okay. If you want to remix it, head over to CBBWorld.com slash plugs. All of the stems will be there. You can remix it to your heart's content. We want those remixes starting to come in. All the stems. And, you know, do whatever you want with it as long as it's under a minute. And honestly, try to make it under 30 seconds.

But I know that Ben sang way longer than that, but, you know, try to condense it. Get a longer. If you can do longer, that would be even better. Sure. Yeah, 10 minute long plugs themes. If someone could do a 10 minute long version of this, that would be great. That would be amazing. Yeah.

Ben, I want to thank you for what you did right there. Scott, it's an honor. Thank you for plugging Sonic the Hedgehog. three with all your class and my tour Ben Schwartz and friends. It's very classic. That's right. From what I'm told, you're going to be out there one weekend a month.

One weekend a month, a different city, two different cities. This is a lot like being in the Army Reserves. Very similar. Yeah. NCIS, Army Reserves.

I don't know that that's exactly what it stands for. It's very close. I think you should have to do that A. I mean, yeah, an A would probably have to be in there if it were and maybe the R as well. Okay. But Ben, always great to have you on.

A pleasure, my friend. I'll talk to you on. Yeah. I mean, you know, You're going to stay here until I say goodbye to these people. No, I'm going to head out, guys. I'll see you next year for this one. I'm going to kill him before he heads out.

Wait, I thought you're going to kill Scott. No, I'm going to kill you. No, that was part of me paying him the $400 million and $1. I thought he would kill you instead. No. We had like a whole podcast about it. Hey, can you clean this guy's asshole? Mine?

I mean, I can't. I'm not going to lie. You couldn't handle my asshole. Nobody can clean this fucking day. All right. Slow, passion. So great to see you. and uh darrell day hey it was really great to be here that's so nice thank you so much i mean

even though i even though i discourage people from going to your business well everybody comes around though everybody comes around when i come around do do i understand good okay great we'll see you next time thanks bye