Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Jason Mantzoukas, Andy Daly, Paul F. Tompkins

Starting point is 00:00:00 ["Comedy Bang Bang"] If wishes were fishes, I could finally open up my Aladdin-themed sushi chain, a whole new sea world. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ooh, dead silence. ["Comedy Bang Bang"] Well, thank you anyway to catch Fraser Crane. Shhh.

Starting point is 00:00:41 I have notes. AKA Saber Toothache. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. I've heard better. Hey, wait, is that... It's me, Shimi. Shimi's back. Hey, Shimi!

Starting point is 00:00:53 What are you still doing here? Did you not leave? I got lost. You got lost? I got lost. Lost in the backyard, or lost trying to get out of the backyard? Both. Oh, no.

Starting point is 00:01:02 Shimi! Oh, wait, there it is. Oh, jeez. Wow. I wonder what he saw. The X? How long has he been here? I heard him, the X.

Starting point is 00:01:13 Okay. He's been here for three weeks, I think, since Matt Gorley's band was here. He was part of Matt Gorley's band. Oh, wow. Oh, my gosh. Well, welcome to the show. Episode 750.

Starting point is 00:01:25 Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Is all of this gibberish to you if this is the first episode you've ever heard? I'm sure it is, but well, for nonetheless. Most episodes, most people's first episodes are gibberish. Most episodes, most people's last episodes are gibberish, probably. Probably, you know?

Starting point is 00:01:41 You mean like a death? Oh, Shimi's back. Whoops. Whoops. Like he... How did he find his way back in? He was here again? Or he was mistaken when he saw whatever it was he saw.

Starting point is 00:01:55 I thought you were different people. I'm sorry. Oh, wait. So I went around in a circle again. What did you think you saw and what did you actually see? I thought I saw the exit, but I think it's just a mirror. Oh, OK. So you think you look like an exit.

Starting point is 00:02:06 To be fair, Scott's backyard is filled with mirrors. Just filled with mirrors. I started attacking this guy, but it was me. That would explain all the broken glass on the ground. And bruises and scratches. Oh, wait. Oh, he's gone again. He's gone.

Starting point is 00:02:21 All right. Welcome to the show. My name is Scott Ackerman, and we have a great show. Coming up a little later, we have a foreigner who will be here. OK. So that'll be interesting. Real brave of you. It's a real brave move on your part.

Starting point is 00:02:36 These days, we need to welcome people from all other shores to our... All other stars and stripes. All people of all stars and stripes. People of all stars and stripes. That's right. But before we get to him, I want to introduce our A-block guest. A-block. A-block.

Starting point is 00:02:54 And he's been on the show many, many times. By the way, this is the backyard era. It is continuing. And I'm surprised to get him in the backyard. He hasn't been in my backyard for many moons. Many moons. But he's here now. Look at us do in the backyard.

Starting point is 00:03:09 Here he is. What a delight. I haven't introduced you. I don't care. Jesus Manzuchus. Here we are. Look at this. Here we are.

Starting point is 00:03:17 Here we are. Out of the closet, into the yard. OK. What a delight. That's right. Welcome to it. What do you think of it? Gorgeous.

Starting point is 00:03:25 Yeah. Gorgeous. It's like all the mirrors. You said all the mirrors absolutely stunning. They're all reflecting the sun back on us. And they're all fun house mirrors. So it's like giving you a lot of different body types to choose from.

Starting point is 00:03:36 There's a lot of like inflatable clown stuff going on. It's very, you have, I don't know if you've talked about this in other episodes. Your house has like a circus kind of fun house theme. It's the aesthetic of a children's birthday party. Yes. That we've been trying for. Yes.

Starting point is 00:03:48 For a childless couple. And there are all these balloons up out front. It's really creepy and weird. The bouncy house that we live in, the bouncy house. You live in the bouncy house and you say that the big house is for the big kids. Jay, welcome back to the show. You haven't been on in months.

Starting point is 00:04:06 Yeah, months and months. So this is my first appearance in the new year, I believe, is it? It is. Yeah, you haven't been on since. I guess it's only March. We're good. Since October or something.

Starting point is 00:04:15 But what have you been up to? I mean, obviously. Just hiding in my house from the Omicron wave. But now. Has Omicron waved at you yet and called you over? No, it has not. I'd like to give myself to you. I found it shouting from outside my windows at times.

Starting point is 00:04:31 But no. Like the little boy in a Christmas carol? Yeah, like come on out and play. Come on out. I would say we talk about the little boy in Christmas carol more than we talk about Tiny Tim, Fred, any of the other here. We talk about that little boy.

Starting point is 00:04:44 That's your number one character. The one as big as me. We talk about him all the time on this show. Love that kid. Love that kid. I want to see. Where is he now? Yes, I want to in the carol verse in the carol.

Starting point is 00:04:56 Which includes the movie Carol. Yes, of course. Where is that kid? Like I want to see the the sequel where he grows up and he becomes a miser. I would love. You know what? That's the carol verse has been like completely.

Starting point is 00:05:10 We've talked about the dark universe. We talked about all these expanding universes. Oh, the dark universe. I can't wait till they get back to that. We've got to get back to the dark universe. We've got to go back. We've got to go back. It's like loss.

Starting point is 00:05:21 The aborted dark universe. Oh, yeah. Oh, now, you know, you can't even. You can't even not have the dark universe in Texas anymore. That's right. Yeah, you're not allowed to show. You're not allowed. You're not allowed to develop anymore.

Starting point is 00:05:35 Russell Crowe is not even allowed in Texas anywhere. Nope. AKA Dr. Jekyll. Wasn't he? He was. I think he I think that's what he was. I don't want to play and they cut out the entire plane crash. That's like, is that right?

Starting point is 00:05:48 That's a quaint custom that they I believe they still do on movies where they will cut out any plane crash because they don't want people freaking out when they're watching a movie on a plane and going like that can happen. I think there should be. I think there should be an option to just watch plane crash movies. Just Fight Club. Yeah, the one with the one with Jeff Bridges and Rosie.

Starting point is 00:06:13 Fearless. Yes, thank you. Saw that in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Bubbles. Her son was wasn't a child named Bubbles. Bubbles was on my lap and her child died in the plane crash. Wasn't I I don't recall that particular line. Bubbles was on my lap.

Starting point is 00:06:27 Something like that. I've had some bubbles on my lap, though, if you want. I don't explain it. I had sex with Michael Jackson's monkey. Wow, you could have just had it sit on your lap. I was like, hey, why not go all the way with this? I mean, not a lot of our listeners know you spent a lot of time at Neverland. Well, I was a young wee child who was fascinated with a very good singer.

Starting point is 00:06:55 That's oh, yeah, that's how you would describe Michael Jackson. Is it not a very very good singer? One of the great famous good singer, Michael Jackson. Will you go see the Michael Jackson musical? No, no, I will not. I can still listen to his records because they bring back memories of a certain time in my life. We'll not go see any new material.

Starting point is 00:07:14 Got it. Yeah, I get it. Well, although he's dead, so who cares? Who gets his money? Sure, absolutely. You know, you know, we're doing for how did this get made? We're doing Diana, the musical. Oh, which I am very excited about. I don't even know what it is. It's a musical about Princess Diana.

Starting point is 00:07:32 OK, and it is like all it's her life, including I think the car crash. I think it's crazy. Do they put in the song Dirty Diana in it? Just to be like, Dirty Diana is in the musical. No, that's and you hate musicals, although you were talking to me recently off Mike, off Mike. And you said and this was a round to me. Do not reveal anything.

Starting point is 00:07:58 I tell you off, Mike, oh, shit. I'm afraid I'm going to have to because this is this. I hate to sell you out, but you said this. You did not ask for it to be off the record when you. That's true. So, unfortunately, I can reveal I need to start saying off the record. You liked a musical recently thought that West Side Story was good. I thought I didn't like I'll be honest.

Starting point is 00:08:18 I didn't like the songs. I didn't. I mean, I said that I didn't like you turned it off during. But I was like, it was a beautifully shot movie. It was like a it was like I like. Listen, Spielberg is making incredible moves constantly. And it's gorgeous to watch. I did find myself as I do with all musicals being like, well, stop singing and just keep talking, keep telling me the story.

Starting point is 00:08:42 I'm enjoying just to have a conversation. I don't understand why you're all jumping around and dancing and singing now. You were in the middle of something really good. Now, wait, but what about the what about the songs where they are intended to be dancing like they go to an actual dance? That was great. Fine by you. Diagetic dancing. Great. Dancing in the streets that people are meant to think is not dancing.

Starting point is 00:09:04 What about the video dancing in the streets with Mick Jagger? And David Bowie. Love it. You love it. They're dancing in Chicago. They're dancing down in New Orleans or New Orleans or New Orleans. You ever see that? I forget what it was on. It felt like it was maybe that one of those Broadway is back specials or something. But Jimmy Fallon sang dancing in the streets. No. And you haven't seen it.

Starting point is 00:09:27 I haven't seen it. And I don't want to. And it's now I'm assuming doing impressions. Both of them. Oh, both of them. Doing both. He was at the records playing and the bands are playing. And then he was doing the Mick Jagger moves during it. It was very weird. But he never said like he just that's just the way he learned the song. I think. Wow. Interesting. Is it not?

Starting point is 00:09:52 That's fascinating. Interesting psychology. You know, we'll link to it in the show notes just so everybody can watch. And we do a lot of that. We do a lot of Lincoln in the show notes. You ever see that movie? Lincoln's Lincoln in the show. No. Who's that?

Starting point is 00:10:07 It's me, Finn Lizzie. Oh, guess what? I didn't sing smoking in the boys room. I sang the boys are back in town. Well, here to clear it up. OK, take care, Finn Lizzie. What I liked about that was that Finn Lizzie took his mic all the way around to his mouth to do that and in the lead up.

Starting point is 00:10:29 I got I got to say, he's too thin. I watched he was like 85 pounds at this point. Oh, very perilously. I will say Finn Lizzie has gotten too thin. Too thin. Like this is now anorexic Lizzie. Let's let's make him carb. Libs, Libsie. I love. But I did. I watched inspiration happen.

Starting point is 00:10:52 The mic get all the way turned around. This mic is turning around. This mic is going 180. This has to happen. Oh, the backyard error. I forgot to tell you guys. Oh, hey, Finn Lizzie. I'm now called body positive.

Starting point is 00:11:12 Lizzie, I like my body. I'm fine with it. We don't. We think you need to eat. You've got to eat something. You're your shape. You're body shaming me. No, we're worried. Not good.

Starting point is 00:11:22 What is your doctor say? What's the it's a fine line between body shaming and concern. I'm body positive Lizzie. That's all you need to know. Is that what you tell your physician? Yes, I also say the boys are back and tell when I walk in the office. And then I go have a cigarette in the men's room.

Starting point is 00:11:39 Wait a minute. Oh, boy. My goodness. Good stuff. Good stuff. The backyard error, the BYE. Well, the thing is, is I don't have a perimeter secured around my backyard. So people are just wandering in and out all the time.

Starting point is 00:11:55 They can just wander in and you have an open door policy, you know, much like the studio. That's the thing. Well, ever since I started doing them back here, we leave all of our doors open. Yep. Smart. No alarms on. So smart. So smart.

Starting point is 00:12:09 The place looks like a fun house carnival ride. And the thieves can tell from Instagram, well, I'm out of the house. You have a barker outside saying the house is empty. They're in the backyard. Just a constant stream of children as well, like celebrating all of their birthday parties. It's like a McDonald's.

Starting point is 00:12:25 Playland, playland or fun land or whatever. Yeah, what do they call those? I don't know. That's a good question. Do they do they copyright that term? Fun land or play land or whatever it is? Probably. It would be like them. Wouldn't it? But you know what, McDonald's.

Starting point is 00:12:38 Oh, yeah. What a croc. It's weird that he didn't invent crocs. Instead, he invented McDonald's. Yeah. Well, I mean, he didn't really. The McDonald's. The guy named McDonald. You know, he invented the farm. The farm. Yeah. Yeah, he bought it.

Starting point is 00:12:51 He certainly did. He's dead now. He's dead now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I said that like Carson or something. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Well, Carson's getting really good now,

Starting point is 00:13:08 especially as the generations are not knowing the reference. What he sounds like. You're basically doing all of your all of your impressions are of the far from the 80s. They're based on death, too. Like when a person dies, I can do that when you start. No, I can do the shittiest impression. And the further they get away from life,

Starting point is 00:13:27 the better my impression gets. That's when you start working on it. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, today, when I walked in, I you said I'm starting to work on my on my William Hurt. Here I go. God, how did I feel like someone does a William Hurt? But I I'm trying to. What would it be like?

Starting point is 00:13:43 Oh, it would be just just a boring, like very flat. Very high. See, it'll get better. Have you felt my body? We're seeing it at the beginning. We're seeing it at the very beginning because he's just passed. And we'll see you work. My state is altered in in five years.

Starting point is 00:13:59 In five years, you won't even need the references. We'll know exactly what we're talking about. You'll just be able to live in the hurt. That, of course, we're talking about a person who passed away two weeks ago and a rest in peace to him and to everyone who's died ever. OK. All right. We wish it didn't have to happen. But this this Earth of ours would be very crowded if it didn't have crowded already

Starting point is 00:14:25 have to hang out with cavemen all day. Have you been doing plane breaks? Occasionally, yeah. When we first started the backyard era, we did some plane breaks. Yeah. Oh, because I mean, you know what? I miss a plane break from the old studio days. Yeah. Well, if I had that song at the at my fingertips, I would maybe do it. Don't worry about it.

Starting point is 00:14:44 Jay, we have to get to our first cast. I would love to. It's wonderful to have you as a co-host, especially on episode seven hundred and fifty. Can you believe it can go along? What is it, twelve years? We're almost at our thirteenth anniversary in a month. Wow. Yeah. Old.

Starting point is 00:14:59 Old as hell. Old as hell. Carson. Look at this. A Christmas carol. Yeah. In Lizzie. We have a body positive. We haven't had we haven't had a modern reference in the entirety of this episode, so from the twenty first century.

Starting point is 00:15:17 Can we talk about? Yeah, exactly. Look at you. You're struggling. Rosalia. I mean, I talked about we talked about West Side Story. Yeah. I mean, like nothing in the fifties. Nothing is new. Oh, my God. I apologize to the listener, but hopefully you're enjoying yourself. But we have to get to work.

Starting point is 00:15:35 Yeah, we were going to talk about comics for this whole time. But let's just go. No one wants to hear that, especially on CBBworld.com. Yeah. No one wants to hear that show. Let's just go straight to this first. Let's go straight to the guest. He is he's been on the show several times. He is the aforementioned foreigner.

Starting point is 00:15:55 And I believe he refers to himself as a royal watcher. And we'll talk to him about what that means. I believe we've covered it before on the show. But please. It couldn't be easier to understand. It really is right there in the name. Royal watchers. I watch the royals. Yes. And if you need an infusion of modernity into your show, you'll come to the right man because we will be talking about the royals.

Starting point is 00:16:18 The Windsors. I got the Pfizer actually. So I'm good. My goodness. No. Although, you know, well, it's funny, you should say that because, you know, Queen Elizabeth has recently had a bit of a row. Yes, I want to talk about that. Let me introduce you. Your name is Byron Tennis.

Starting point is 00:16:34 Oh, yes. Thank you. Yes. Wonderful to be here. Hello, gentlemen. Hello. It's great to see you, Byron. Lovely to be here. Yes, yes. You've flown across what they call the pond. No, no. Lately, I have recently relocated to the to the grounds of Prince Harry and Meghan's home. Oh, yeah. Where do they live now?

Starting point is 00:16:52 Up in Vancouver or something? No, up in Santa Barbara. They look like you're Montecito or something. Yes, that's right. Like near Oprah kind of. Montecito, yes. Beautiful country there. Very near to Oprah. As a matter of fact, she has a habit of stopping by unannounced

Starting point is 00:17:04 because they did say, please come by any time. And she's really taken it quite seriously. She's just taken advantage of them. Well, I don't know that she thinks that way, but I'll be quite honest with you. After she leaves, half the time, they say, you know, again, really? What are we supposed to say? You know, she keeps dropping.

Starting point is 00:17:20 I can only imagine if you don't like buy any groceries, just how tempting that would be. What do you mean? I don't know. How tempting would be to not buy groceries? So not buy groceries and just go over to your neighbor's house all the time. Oh, you mean like for a cup of sugar? Well, you know, like how Kramer used to just like come right into the kitchen every time he would come into Jerry's house.

Starting point is 00:17:40 Sure. Yeah. Do you know what? Did you have a Seinfeld or did you have a different show there? Oh, no. No, we, you know, Seinfeld was based on a British series. Oh, it was? Yes, of course it was. Of course it was. It was four episodes. Yes, we only did four. Four Seinfeld, yes.

Starting point is 00:17:55 One cycle or no, one series. One, no, two series and a Christmas special. So two, the series were two episodes each. Yes, each series was two episodes, and then the Christmas special was only 10 minutes. What was it called? It was called Car. Car. After Jimmy Carr.

Starting point is 00:18:12 Oh, so it was Jimmy Carr. Oh, really? He's one of those. It's just called Car. Yeah. And what were they like? Who was Kramer, who was Elaine, who was George? And I'm sure they were not Jewish, like they were. No, certainly not. No, they were British.

Starting point is 00:18:27 Yes, more British than Jewish. Yes. Well, what do you mean? Who were they? They were sort of the people in Carr's life. So they're all just based on his past. Yes, exactly. Yes, yes. So he had a whimsical neighbor and all that. And, yes. And this fellow scientist

Starting point is 00:18:45 just sort of adapted it for American television. Wow, and people don't know that. Yeah, I mean, it was like the office. Yeah, so many American shows are just, yeah. Almost everything that was ever on NBC on Thursday nights was adapted from the British, right? 30 Rock, wasn't that 30 Stone? 30 Stone. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:01 And it was about somebody who weighed 30 Stone. Yes, yes. It's a different show. But, yeah, that's absolutely right. Of course, Friends was based on coupling. Yeah, of course. And coupling was based on Friends. Yeah, the cycle continues on and off. Hopefully they'll keep going back and forth

Starting point is 00:19:22 where suddenly like then Friends will be based on coupling. America's coupling. I've never mind. Right. I think Veronica's Closet was based on. Veronica's Flat or something like that. Yeah, something. Amelia's WC. The Water Closet. In the UK, it was a water closet.

Starting point is 00:19:42 Right. Yeah. Because in the UK, you guys keep all your water in closets. Well, we try to. Yes. I mean, I mean, I have water in the living room. No, exactly. That's the idea. I don't know where you'll keep your water. Do you guys not have wet bars there?

Starting point is 00:19:54 Wet bars. I don't know the phrase. I'm not familiar with the phrase. It's like a sink that is near the main living space in order so you don't have to like walk all the way to the kitchen to make yourself a drink. Oh, no. No. No, no, no. No, you want to keep water away from all that.

Starting point is 00:20:14 Right. We have little bells that we ring for someone to come and take care of. What about wet bars? You know, like, like, like, you know, like a bar, like you go to a bar. Wet day is coming up. I got to remind myself. What are you guys doing?

Starting point is 00:20:27 I was going to ask, what are you guys doing for wet day? What is wet day? Is this some American bank holiday here in the States? Well, it's gotta be. Yeah, we're celebrating the first one. It's one of the new holidays that is taking off. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:41 You got to get wet. I guess you got to get wet. You got to get wet. I don't know how we're celebrating, but we are. It's coming up in like G.G.W. 12 days or something. Is it really 12 days?

Starting point is 00:20:51 Yeah. Spend the whole day wet. I think so. Yeah. You'd hate it in England. Well, you know, it's very soggy there anyway. Yeah. Every day is wet day, really.

Starting point is 00:21:01 Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful. Well, today is a bank holiday. It's Commonwealth Day. Did you know that? Yes.

Starting point is 00:21:09 Wow. We're taping this a little bit earlier. It's Commonwealth Day. Yes, on Monday the 14th, the Commonwealth Day. Oh, so I'm surprised you're here. Can I ask you? Yes. By the way, just because you said you've been here a while,

Starting point is 00:21:19 are you allowed back in the UK? Back in the UK? Not at the moment. At the moment. At the moment. I mean, that could change. Let me put it this way. I would have to come in a sort of creative way, perhaps by boat.

Starting point is 00:21:33 Yeah. What's the easiest way to access England? Is it by land, by sea, by air? One would prefer, I think, to fly straight into Heathrow. I think the way that they're not guarding would be to, like, walk across the bottom of the ocean. They're definitely not guarding. Oh, that would be smart.

Starting point is 00:21:50 Go up on the beach. They're not guarding that. That would be very smart. Have you thought about that? Yeah. Walking across the sea. I can say I have not thought about it. Maybe a self-contained underwater breathing apparatus.

Starting point is 00:22:00 That I have thought of. But what I do instead is I sort of, I fly to Iceland, and then I take a boat to one of the lesser Scottish islands. Oh. And then I sort of tramp about until I get to London. And I do that a few times a year. Wow. Is this the first Commonwealth Day you've missed?

Starting point is 00:22:16 Yes, but I thought it was okay because also missing this Commonwealth Day is the Queen herself. Oh, wow. That's right. You mentioned the Queen. Because of the recent COVID? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:26 Well, that's what she says. Oh, wow. Tell me that he's not the Queen. Speaking of the office. What? That he's not. No, no, no. COVID barely made a dent.

Starting point is 00:22:35 That is what she says. That is what she says. Was that in the British office? That was the catchphrase? That's the British office. That's what she says. No, I think in Britain it was, that is what one says. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 00:22:48 That is what one says. This is very hard. That is what one says. Yes, precisely. Yes. That is what one says. But she did not have COVID because this was her. No, no.

Starting point is 00:22:57 She had COVID. I mean, it's attacking royal blood. You know what I mean? There's a divinity to the blood in a royal. I see. So it stands no chance whatsoever. Of course, she beat it back effortlessly, right? But then she sort of...

Starting point is 00:23:11 At her age, I was surprised. How old is she? She's like 98. I believe that's right. Wow. Yes, I believe that's right. Jeez. But she made short work of COVID.

Starting point is 00:23:19 She's a year shy of Betty White. Who do you think last longer? Betty White or the Queen? Oh. Betty White has passed. I know, but she only got to 99. That's what I'm saying. Sorry, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:23:28 You thought you were breaking into me? No. The Queen will live to 99, but not long after. So I think Betty White... Really? Can you... I mean, if you're... How do you know this?

Starting point is 00:23:42 Because I'm privy to the plans to... The inner machinations? Yes. There are some very elaborate plans to celebrate the Queen's Platinum Jubilee in June. Is there a royal... You're a royal watcher. Is there like a royal oracle? Is there somebody who, you know, prophesies about the royal, you know, everybody in the

Starting point is 00:24:02 royal family? Well, there's any number of sort of psychics, whatever, functioning in England and focusing on the royals. But I... Sears. Yes. But nobody that is inside of their world. Nobody that is part of the palace.

Starting point is 00:24:16 I'll say this. No one is closer to the royals than me. Oh, wow. Okay. No one is closer. Physically. You mean physically. Physically.

Starting point is 00:24:25 Yes. I am. Very often, particularly at Windsor Castle, the eyeballs behind the paintings. And as you may know, Buckingham Palace is undergoing a ten-year renovation. It's never been easier to get in and out of there. Wow. It seems... Just put on a hard hat and in you go and...

Starting point is 00:24:38 It seems really weird. The Queen is about to die. Yes, indeed. And they're like, hey, let's start a renovation that you're not going to live to see. Well, yes, it does seem strange until you understand what exactly they're renovating. Oh, why? What is going on there? Well, as you know, we've talked in the past about how all of the royals of Europe needed

Starting point is 00:24:55 to go to the city hall in Alphanond and Ryan in the Netherlands. Oh, I sort of remember this. Yes. What was this about? Well, it's a spaceship, really, in addition to being a functioning city hall. Yeah. It is also a space-worthy vehicle. And I suppose the royals of Britain have decided they'd rather not travel to the Netherlands

Starting point is 00:25:14 for that. And so while they're saying that the renovation of Buckingham Palace is all about the heat and the electricity and whatnot, it's really... They're putting in a spaceship. They're retrofitting it for the day that they have to leave the planet. They're doing their own spaceship. Are they making everyone come to them, or they're just going to be... They're just doing their own thing.

Starting point is 00:25:31 Doing their own thing. Yeah, forward. Yes, yes. Oh, Britain first. Britain first, exactly. Oh, the spirit of the Brexiting. The Brexiting. The Brexiting.

Starting point is 00:25:39 They're Brexiting this royal agreement that it's the Danish, right, that have the spaceship? Well... Oh, no, it's the Netherlands, he said. Yes, yes. Which may be the Danish. I don't know. Who knows what to call those people. Who knows what's going on over there.

Starting point is 00:25:51 It's the melancholy Danes. Yes, yes. Oh, how interesting. Okay, so do you think that Prince Charles is furious that his mother has lived this long? I... You got it. I mean, he's not a young man himself.

Starting point is 00:26:03 I mean, he's not a young man himself. He's been told since birth he's going to be king, and now he's like... Especially like eating all the British food, the pudding and all that kind of stuff. Oh, the pudding. All that pudding. All that pudding. All that pudding. Yeah, all that pudding.

Starting point is 00:26:15 Yes, he's been mold and patient, but he's ready. He's ready. I mean, it will happen on June, June the 5th is the day that he will... What is June the 5th? That is the final day of the Platinum Jubilee celebration for the Queen. What is the Platinum Jubilee celebration? It marks 70 years on the throne. Oh, wow.

Starting point is 00:26:34 And then she will stand down? No, no, no. She will give an address from her throne at the end of which she will press a button and there will be an extraordinary explosion. That is... Of the entire palace? No, of the throne itself. Just the throne itself, yes.

Starting point is 00:26:51 The throne itself. So Charles will never even ascend the throne. No, no, no. He will become the king then. He'll become the king. He'll build his own throne. Yeah, he'll have to build his own throne. He will need his own throne.

Starting point is 00:27:00 His own explosive throne? Is that part of the transition of power is that each new king or queen has to build their own throne? Well, only... Is it like Ikea? Is it like Ikea? Do you have Ikea? What do you mean by that?

Starting point is 00:27:12 You have to assemble your own throne. You have to assemble your own throne. You have to make it yourself. No, I don't know that Charles will be making his own throne, but he will need a new throne. That's for certain. But yes, this is how the queen chooses to go out and I think it's beautiful. It's... And nobody knows it yet.

Starting point is 00:27:27 Only I have seen the schematics for this. I love you. She's doing it on her own terms. Oh, absolutely. And you've heard the conversations. She's cool with this. She's like... Oh, it's her plan.

Starting point is 00:27:37 Yes, absolutely. She wants to do it. She's insisting on it and there have been multiple high-level meetings trying to talk her out of it because it will be televised and a lot of people think it might be disturbing. The queen says, this is how I'd like to go out. I heard she's having Michael Bay shoot it. Yes, Michael Bay. With like nine cameras.

Starting point is 00:27:51 Cameras all over the place and Bay is the only one who will be in the room with her. I heard she said she wanted that signature Bayhem. That is what... Yes. What do they call him in England? Michael Pond or...? Um... I'm not...

Starting point is 00:28:08 Do you have to change your name when you go to England? Not that I'm aware of. Okay. So people can keep their names when they go to England. So yes, that's only fair. Oh, well, this is incredible and she didn't have COVID or she... She had COVID. Why did you say that...

Starting point is 00:28:22 Because she's been using it as an excuse to do things she doesn't want to do anyway. And so today, for instance, the Commonwealth Day, she's frolicking about Windsor Castle with her husband's Jim Broad Benton Jim Belushi. And any number of other... The Jims. The JBs. A.K.A. the JBs. JBs.

Starting point is 00:28:41 Any number of other... Every backup for James Brown. Ever since James Brown died, they've had nothing to do. Fred Wesley. The JB... The JB horns are there playing. Macy O. Parker always, yes. Our references are still 50 years old.

Starting point is 00:28:57 Very old. Well, that's what she's doing. And she's, you know, she is just loving the life of a free-wheeling widow. Wow! Why does she want to go out? Just say she... Why doesn't she just say she has long COVID and she can do whatever she wants? Maybe she may do something quite like that.

Starting point is 00:29:13 Until she blows herself up on the throne. Right. What did you say, June 2? June the 5th. June the 5th. Okay, so you'll have to come back after this. I will come right back and we'll discuss the explosion in fine detail. Is there any fear that she's going to press the button, it'll blow up and she won't die,

Starting point is 00:29:30 that she'll just be like half of her face is melted off and this is all... She'll be staggering around like a half-burnt-up zombie or anything like that? Well, that would be terrible. That's why I bring it up. Yes, I fear it now that you've said it. But I think the queen, she's good, she's seen to every specification herself. Oh, okay. Yes, yes, yes.

Starting point is 00:29:48 She knows what will kill herself. Now, is she... I am curious, is she making sure to, in the aftermath, make sure that the people will know that she planned this herself because it could be perceived of as... As an attack. An assassination, you know? Oh, yes. So it will...

Starting point is 00:30:06 Will she have parting words? Will it be revealed? Five bitches? I think so, yes, yes, yes. Like doing a double bird to the cameras? Five bitches? Five bitches. Well, I've only seen a rough draft of those...

Starting point is 00:30:17 Thank you, Nick. Have you seen a rough draft? I've only seen a rough draft of the address and it does say something like, here's my final gift to you and in closing, fuck you, Diana. And then she presses this button. She's gonna see Diana in hell. Yes, that's it. See you in hell.

Starting point is 00:30:31 Wow. Yes, yes. It really just does show how much of an impact Diana had on her. You know, then her dying words are about Diana. Yeah. Yes, yes. She despises her. She despises her.

Starting point is 00:30:43 She despises her. She despises her. Wow. Well, this... I mean, so then Charles is going to build his own throne. Is there a sort of a period where no one is king because he hasn't built the throne yet? No. I think...

Starting point is 00:30:56 I think... Well, I don't know. Could someone with a throne that's already pre-built, like step in and go, no, I'm king. I have a throne. I'm here. Well, perhaps then I should not have mentioned this because up to now, this has been a complete secret and so no one would have known to get started on a throne. I mean, anybody from Game of Thrones could go and get the prop.

Starting point is 00:31:17 But it takes about three months to build a throne. A proper throne. Yeah, I mean, I think at this point, if you got started... Yes. Oh my. You could get in there on June 6 and be like... All right. Well, if you're hearing this, please don't build a throne.

Starting point is 00:31:31 I'm saying... I think what Scott and I are saying is you could build a throne. I could build it and become the king of England. I mean, you'd have to watch yourself, but yes. What do you mean? I have to watch myself? Oh, because I'm a royal watcher. Because I'm a royal watcher.

Starting point is 00:31:43 Watching myself, yes. Yeah, you wouldn't have to watch your peas and queues. No, no, surely not. That's an interesting idea. What would I do as king? Oh my God, with all that power. With all that power. And access to a spaceship soon.

Starting point is 00:31:54 Yes, yes. Yeah, you'd be head people. You would be able to marry whomever you wanted. Yes, I would, yes. Yeah. I like your idea. Well, listen, I don't know if it would, but why not? I'll get started on a throne.

Starting point is 00:32:06 Get started on a throne. I'll get started on a throne. I'll get started on a throne. I'll get started on a throne. As simple as a hobby, wouldn't that be great? Yeah. Also, you should YouTube it. Oh, yeah, definitely.

Starting point is 00:32:15 You should do YouTube like... Hi, this is Byron D. Oh, yeah. Hey, guys. So today, today we're working on the base. If you've been watching the series so far, we've gotten two arms done and we're going to keep working on this base. You could do a little side, like Scepter, spin-off YouTube.

Starting point is 00:32:32 What a good idea. Hit that subscribe button if you like this. Just smash that like button. Yes, yes. Recommend to all your friends and all that. Yes. Yeah, this would be great. And so when you come back on June 6th or whatever, I'm presuming you'll be king at this point.

Starting point is 00:32:49 Can you imagine having a royal on the show? Not just a royal. The king of all England. The king of England. Can you imagine? That would be incredible. That would be the biggest episode you would ever have. Yes.

Starting point is 00:33:01 June 6th is literally a Monday, so I hope you'll be back on then. Yes. I should be back on that very day. And you'll be king of England. Holy shit. I can't believe it's really this simple. Yeah. Don't second-guess this.

Starting point is 00:33:13 No, I know. It's just, it's all out of the blue. I never imagined myself. I mean, I imagined myself marrying into royalty. Sure, of course. By the way, how has it been? Well, you were at one point engaged, if I'm not mistaken, right? Princess, nearly.

Starting point is 00:33:26 Emilia? Princess Emilia? Well, she's not a princess, but I had my sights set on Lady Emilia Spencer, a niece of Diana, and, well, there was a duel between me and her intended fellow. What was her intended's name? It was like the... Oh, we looked it up. It was the Gris.

Starting point is 00:33:45 Well, yes. Griswold? Was he one of the Griswolds? His last name is Millard or something. I don't know, but he goes by the Gris. But he's known as the Gris. Greg Millard or something, and his friends call him the Gris. But he and I had a duel with Swords.

Starting point is 00:33:59 With Swords. And I did lose. But you know what? All this time later, they're still not married. So, there is something's going on there. Interesting. I think, you know, especially if you're king? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:12 Well, who could resist marrying a king? I mean, get that information out there. But I have a thought to challenge him to another duel. Can you do a redo of a duel? A redo? Well, I survived it, barely, but I did. I think I can. And my thought this time, this is a bit wild.

Starting point is 00:34:28 If they reboot the Batman all the time, you could do another duel, right? Absolutely. A duel over? Yeah. A duel over. The duel over. Hot duh. I'm a duel.

Starting point is 00:34:40 You may not know. The Gris is for a living. Wow. Look at those birds up there. Oh, yes. Do you have birds like that up in merry old England? I bet they're all sad and rained on all the time. So they're just like sopping wet and just like...

Starting point is 00:34:54 Sopping wet birds. That means something else in England. Oh, that's right. Sopping wet birds. That is what one says. That is what one says. That was two crows chasing a falcon, I believe. Why chase a falcon?

Starting point is 00:35:08 Well, because the falcon wants their babies. Yeah. And in England, the falcon just gets what he wants. I think the Ravens yield to the falcon. That was Superbowl last year, I believe. The Ravens yield to the falcon? Yeah, I think so. I think you may be right.

Starting point is 00:35:22 What was I... Oh, yes. The Gris. Do you know what he does for a living? I have no clue. It's laughable. No conception. What does a guy named The Gris do for a living?

Starting point is 00:35:32 He's a water polo instructor. No. What? I'm afraid so. Instructor? Not even a player. Well, he knows the game inside and out. And my plan is to challenge him to a one-on-one game of water polo.

Starting point is 00:35:45 Why challenge him at what he does best? Precisely. To all the more humiliate him. Have you played water polo at all? Never in my life. Oh, Byron. But, no, no, no. Can you imagine if I were to best him at the thing that he does?

Starting point is 00:35:58 I can imagine if the odds are stacked against you, like, staggeringly so. It's a wonderful underdog story. I mean, I don't know that I have the time now that I'm building a throne. But this was my plan to train up and get myself ready and take on the game. Here's what I say. Yes. Build the throne. Become king.

Starting point is 00:36:16 Then you'll have dominion over the gris, over Lady Amelia. Would he be one of your subjects? Could you put him to death? Well, I don't see why not. I mean, why not? Like, you could just take care of this without the duel to the executioner. I would maybe challenge him to the duel first, see how it works out. And then if it doesn't work out, your first act as king is to put the gris to death.

Starting point is 00:36:41 Well, if it does work out too. If it does, or it doesn't, I think. Yeah, exactly. You know what I mean? You don't want the gris sniffing around. No, no. Bucking in palace. Oh, gentlemen, this is a wonderful plan.

Starting point is 00:36:50 This is a great plan. Do you want to put it out there to the gris that you're ready to duel? Absolutely. Listen to me, you. He's all the way in England, right? Certainly. So hopefully this podcast will reach his ears. The gris, you bested me at swords.

Starting point is 00:37:05 I give it to you, you did. But this time you're going down, down into the deep end of the water polo pool. Oh. I will defeat you in your area of expertise. I hereby challenge you, sir, to a game of water polo for the hand of Lady Amelia Spencer. Wow. Wow. Well, now.

Starting point is 00:37:29 Now, I'm curious Byron, but you want, you still want to marry Lady Amelia because prior, you were just trying to do that to get on the spaceship in the Netherlands. But now, are you doing it for love? I've fallen for it. Wow. That is a great love story. Thank you, yes. Yes, it is, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:37:45 To simply target a woman whom you've never spoken to. You've never spoken to. Just for the benefit of getting off-planet. Yes. And then to fall for her. That's like a real rom-com. That's a Nancy Meyers right there. I agree.

Starting point is 00:37:58 And it'll be a wonderful thing to be telling our grandchildren something. Oh, it's beautiful story. I had no interest in her whatsoever except as a ticket off Earth. Yeah. And then I fell in love. Well, Byron, I have a little bit of a surprise for you. Oh. Now, when I said that the gris is all the way over there across the pond, I was fibbing

Starting point is 00:38:23 a little bit because I happen to know the gris is whereabouts. Oh, no. The gris, oh dear, is actually right here in this very backyard of mine. I feel that this is not quite fair. And I wanted to surprise you with him, but- Is that the gris is musically here? Please welcome the gris. Well, well, well.

Starting point is 00:38:46 Byron. I don't know. I feel I've been rather shabbily treated here. In what way? Well, you lied to me. You lied to me. How did I lie to you other than by admission? No, you told me he was across the pond.

Starting point is 00:39:06 This is a variant plan. This is a man who'd stabbed me in the abdomen with a sword the last time. And I will again. I meant the pond in my backyard, aka my swimming pool. Yes, and he was. He was across there, yes. Do my ears deceive me or did someone challenge me to a game of water polo? Well, yes, but not today.

Starting point is 00:39:28 Oh. The old polo instructor of 31 years of age. Yes, I suppose. In a very good shape, yes. Guys, guys, we have to take a break, unfortunately. So I know this is a very dramatic moment to take a break at. Speaking of breaks, I'm going to break you enough Byron Deniston. No, no, no, you won't.

Starting point is 00:39:50 When we come back, we'll have more Byron Deniston. We'll have more of the Gris, probably a water polo duel. Oh, my God. Right here. Right here in the pool. Right here in the pool. I'm not ready. I knew this pool would come in handy.

Starting point is 00:40:02 A pool duel? When's the last time you had a good pool duel? Pool duel? Never. I don't think back here. So this is incredible. We have more Jason Manzookas. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

Starting point is 00:40:15 Comedy bang bang. We're back. Jason Manzookas is here from How Did This Get Made. Are you up to 750 episodes of that? Not even close. We do a lot fewer episodes than you do. I have blown you out of the water. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:40:28 That is what one says. Also, welcome to Byron Deniston over here. Yes, here I am. Who's sweating. Yes. Yes. Perspiring like Prince Andrew cannot. Shaking like a leaf.

Starting point is 00:40:42 What is that? Before we get to the Gris, what's going on with Prince Andrew? Oh, my God. It's terrible. Prince Andrew, you're familiar with this. He was accused by a woman of having sex with her when she was only 17 and assaulting and all this. The Beatles sang about it.

Starting point is 00:41:00 And he was just 17. He was like a Jeffrey Epstein associate. A close friend of Jeffrey Epstein's, yes. Like his wingman. Yes, a bitch. Yes, you may say. Yes. And so part of the evidence against him was that another third party said, oh, I saw them

Starting point is 00:41:17 together at a nightclub and he was drenching sweat and they were dancing and having a good time. And Prince Andrew came forward forcefully and he said, no, that can't have been me. In a bold interview. A bold interview. Oh, yes, yes. He said, I am not, I'm physically not capable of perspiring through down the gauntlet. That is.

Starting point is 00:41:35 He said he had a medical condition. Yes. That made him unable to sweat. As a result. At which point they produced many pictures of him sweating. No, no, no, no, no, no. People being entirely unfair. It was a result of the PTSD of having flown a fighter jet during the Falklands war.

Starting point is 00:41:53 Ever since then. Oh, sorry. Ever since then he was unable to perspire. A terrible conflict. Yes, but of course he's terribly embarrassed of this condition. And so I went out in public on a hot day or when exercising or something like that. He will have his valet, spritz him down with water to make it appear that he's sweating. And so those are the photos that you see.

Starting point is 00:42:11 Oh, that makes sense. That makes sense. Yes, it makes perfect sense. You'll get little Byron Deniston acting like he knows anything about the royal family. I know everything about the royal family, my God. I mean, Gris, to be fair, he does know a lot about the royal family. He thinks he does. Oh, and then you know more?

Starting point is 00:42:29 I'm inside it, aren't I, dear? Well, I'm inside. I'm literally inside the walls. Lady Amelia's going to be my bottle, isn't she? Well, isn't it interesting? You've been engaged for almost two years now, haven't you? And yet no movement toward a wedding date. What's going on there?

Starting point is 00:42:50 I does as I please, Byron. I does as I please. Are you sure the lady isn't having second thoughts, cold feet and whatnot? She's having third thoughts. I'd like to engage him again. What? First, I'd like to engage him. Then I engaged her.

Starting point is 00:43:12 Then I'd like to engage him again. Then I said, but dear, we're already engaged. Then she forgets and says, I'd like to engage him again. She remembers the first, forgets the second. Are you quite sure? I think after all this time, she must be thinking, maybe it's not such a great idea. How did you engage her, by the way, the first time?

Starting point is 00:43:34 I'm sure it was just you. Yeah, well, you know what? I don't know, Gris. Have we ever found out your love story with Lady Amelia? How did you meet? How did you meet? How did you meet? How does a guy named Gris meet the Lady Amelia?

Starting point is 00:43:45 Thank you for asking. Yes. Lady Amelia, you know, I met at the discotheque. Oh, how? Another very modern reference. In Ibiza. Oh, okay. A discotheque.

Starting point is 00:43:57 In Ibiza. And how long ago was this? You've been engaged two years. How long have you been dating? We've known each other for a long time. Oh, wow. We were best friends, weren't we? Oh, wow.

Starting point is 00:44:09 Like a when Harry met Sally kind of scenario? Friends first? Or school children? No, we don't have Jewish people in England. There's a couple. Do you mean like when Bertram met Beatrice? Yes. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:25 The movie that when Harry met Sally. Where did she have that fake orgasm? It couldn't have been a cats' deli. It was in Arons, I believe. It was in Arons. And when she finished faking the orgasm, an old lady at the counter turned around and said, I say that does look ripping. Wow.

Starting point is 00:44:47 I should like to be served the same thing that she was served. Wow. So you were friends and then just one night love bloomed? One night love bloomed. Wow. We was looking at each other across the pool. I was instructing her to play water polo at the time. How is she as a player?

Starting point is 00:45:10 She's all right. Not bad. Not bad. Yeah. Why did she want to play water polo? I think to get closer to me. Wow. To see me with me shirt off.

Starting point is 00:45:20 Yeah, I get it. You're very like, you know, you're young. You have like an incredible body, a swimmer's body, I'm assuming. Yeah, you're very wide. Yeah. Very wide. Yeah. Delts, lats, the whole thing.

Starting point is 00:45:34 You got those cum gutters. Those CG's. You got those UK CG's. We call them sewer. Seaman sewers in the UK. You do it. Okay. They drain right into the Thames.

Starting point is 00:45:49 I heard in Australia they go the opposite way. Oh, yes. It goes up. It goes up. So you know my mate, the Zurg. The Zurg. We got to get the Zurg on the show. We got to get the Zurg.

Starting point is 00:46:03 The Australian version of the Gris. That guy is a lot. You know that everyone in Australia is a mere version of everyone here. Really? Yeah. So wait, there's a me there? No, no, no. Everyone in the UK, right?

Starting point is 00:46:18 No. Oh, here in? In this hemisphere. Oh, I see. It's hemisphere. It's mirror images of the whole hemisphere. Exactly. Wow.

Starting point is 00:46:27 It's terrifying. Don't ever go. So were you guys just like in the pool and you kissed? Or where was your first physical? When did you get physical with Lady Amelia? If you don't mind me asking. Not until the night of the engagement. Wow.

Starting point is 00:46:41 Really? How sweet. We remain chased until that moment. But you're supposed to remain chased until your wedding day, which of course may never come. Spoken like a true non-royal. Wow. No, no.

Starting point is 00:46:53 Well, you're not a royal yet, to be fair. Right. What's it and he is? Yeah. How are you though? I'm building a throne. Mm-hmm. I've built several thrones over my lifetime.

Starting point is 00:47:06 Have you ever lived really? My first throne I built I was five years old. Even before Lady Amelia, you were just building thrones? That's right. I was just building thrones. Wow. What do you do with them? Mostly I give them to friends.

Starting point is 00:47:19 Oh, that's. Yeah. What a nice gift. What a nice non-obtrusive gift. I built you a throne. I built you a throne. What if they're all these separate- Would you say no?

Starting point is 00:47:27 Oh, no, I would happily take a throne if someone had delivered it to my house. Exactly. So then is it really more of a race at this point? I'm to build a throne and then he's already got one and then on the day of Jubilee, whoever gets into the throne room first is the king. Don't you see? What? If you're not a peer of the realm, it don't matter, do it.

Starting point is 00:47:45 What do you mean by that? You're just a nobody. You're one of the rabble, one of the peasants. Wow. But I'll have built a throne and gotten it to the throne room first and I will be king, don't you see? So if you get into the throne room first, but there's no chance of that happening because you're going to drown during our water polo duty.

Starting point is 00:48:05 Byron, you look... Byron, I'm just curious because I don't know if we've ever gotten to this. How old are you? Oh, yes. 58 years old. 58 years old. 58 years old. That's oldest.

Starting point is 00:48:15 Hell. And the grizz is 31, did you say earlier? 31. Wow. Why take him on in water polo? Why lay down this particular gauntlet? The whole idea was to have a few months' practice at water polo so that I could humiliate him. But now, here we are.

Starting point is 00:48:29 A few months? Yes. Would you animate a few months? I was going to work on it every single day for about three months. How many minutes a day? How many minutes? Up to 60. Every day.

Starting point is 00:48:44 That's not good. That wouldn't have cut it. Of course it would. You know, I'm a natural athlete. I really am. Anything I'm trying to take up, I do rather well. Sure. As all the British are.

Starting point is 00:48:55 Certainly. Yes, yes. Badminton, you know. Look, I think your only hope here is to do some sort of like airbud situation where you substitute a dog for you or something. Oh, sorry. That's your answer? That's your answer?

Starting point is 00:49:07 Something in the room? There's something in the room books that says I cannot play water polo. Oh, damn. That's too bad. I was born in a swimming pool. Wow. What happened? What do you mean what happened?

Starting point is 00:49:19 Your mom was swimming? It was all purpose. Oh, okay. It was like a water berth at home. It was a water berth at home. And I was raised in a swimming pool for the first five years of my life. Now that's even more interesting. Like your home was a swimming pool?

Starting point is 00:49:36 My home was a swimming pool. Wow. They would bring me my tea in the pool. Or one of those little inflatable trays and then push it over to me. Would it be made from pool water? No. Water polo. You can't drink pool water.

Starting point is 00:49:50 No. I was a swimmer. I was a swimmer. Filthy. You've got a baby in there living in the pool at all times. You were a filthy poor baby. Absolutely disgusting. You have no idea that in Britain to be a pool baby is a great status symbol.

Starting point is 00:50:08 Yeah, I guess. I mean, is that true, Byron? Not that I've heard. It sounds absolutely disgusting. Well, you wouldn't hear it, would you? I know all about it. It's a good thing. It's a good thing I know it.

Starting point is 00:50:19 What Byron, what you don't understand is that we feed you, you people, a certain amount of facts that are not true. That used to be true before Byron Denison became a Royal Watcher and I know absolutely everything. Everything about the Royals, what they get up to. What's some of the disinformation though that has been ceded out to the public before? Well, that Diana died. That's not true. What?

Starting point is 00:50:52 This is going to change the end of that musical, Jay. I should not have said that. I was in the tunnel in Paris that very night I was in the tunnel. Did you see? Yeah, you were there. What did you see? Yes, I saw the crash. I saw death occur.

Starting point is 00:51:10 You caused the crash, right? You were the photographer who was chasing her, right? Crap. You're not supposed to say that. No, no, no. I wasn't in Paris. I'll edit it out. You think you saw a fiery crash.

Starting point is 00:51:25 What actually happened? Did by any chance you see a woman with Diana's haircut who had a very slender neck and head? Well, yes, of course. That was a mop, dear boy. What are you talking about? We cut and colored a mop head. Look like Lady Diana. No.

Starting point is 00:51:47 Princess Diana. Mrs. Spencer. What are you talking about? It wasn't really dirty, though. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. He was the photographer. You're saying we, the gris, as if you were part of the doing of this?

Starting point is 00:52:02 Uh-oh. But my understanding would be you would be maybe four or five at the time. I'd just gotten out of the pool. I wanted to build my own throne. Mum said, no, no, no. First, put this mop in the car. First, you help us with this. Wow.

Starting point is 00:52:23 So they're enlisting children in this endeavor. Children. You don't understand. You here in the States, you need a workforce of children like we have in the UK. Yeah, that's true. Every job that adults do, children also do. Well, I agree with that, yes. Child doctors, child lawyers.

Starting point is 00:52:41 Child pickpockets even. Yes. Yes, yes. So this is like something out of the fast franchise. Is it, I mean, where there is some sort of switcheroo? A switcheroo. You think someone's dead, but then they show up five movies later. Did Dodie think that the mop was Diana?

Starting point is 00:52:59 Was he dating a mop for a long time? Did he think he was transporting a mop across Paris? If you were paying attention, you probably noticed right before the crash, he did a big double take. I heard something about that, like it was almost a triple take. The switch was so expert and so quick. Really? He didn't know until the last moment. Wow.

Starting point is 00:53:25 Is this unpleasant? Is this tough for you to hear? This feels unpleasant. Where has she been all this time? Listen, I don't accept it. I don't believe it's true. I think the Gris is having us on. I think it's absurd.

Starting point is 00:53:39 Are you having a laugh? Are you taking the piss? I'm taking the piss. Is that right? I'm taking the piss. Oh, so this is not true. Gris. Everyone who is reported dead actually is dead.

Starting point is 00:53:52 That's a conspiracy I can clear up. Nobody's still alive who's ever died. They're all still dead. They're all in Dublin and anywhere else like Tupac, Elvis. They're all dead. Yes, with the exception of Olivia Newton-John's husband. He was successful at it. He nailed it.

Starting point is 00:54:12 Yeah, but that was Australia. Who is he here? Here? Who is it? Maybe here's the Andy Kaufman of the United States. It gets very confusing whenever there's a country award show Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman show up in America because then down under,

Starting point is 00:54:33 there's like the Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman of America. Well, yeah. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. I think it's Tim McGraw. Probably not because Faith Hill is... No, it's Brad Paisley and the woman from the father of the Brad franchise. Yes, Kimberly... Kimberly Gilfoyle?

Starting point is 00:54:50 Williams. What if Brad Paisley and Kimberly Gilfoyle? So they just have to swap, really. So they're... They have no choice. They're transported. Wow. They find themselves in Sydney. Right in front of the opera house.

Starting point is 00:55:05 Just like... Romeo and Juliet? I was going to say Phillip Baker Hall. He was in the movie Sydney. Oh my God. You mean Hard 8? Hard 8, A.K.A. Sydney. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:21 A movie from not this century. Nope, sorry. If you're looking for something from the 2000s, you're out of luck. Wow. Well, look, Byron, we got to set up... I already set up a net across the pool. How many nets do we need? Just the one? Just the one-wheeled dough.

Starting point is 00:55:39 Listen, I don't know if this is awkward or a strange thing to say, but... But the gris, would you mind teaching me... How to play water polo? Just one lesson. One more before we... That would be sporting, wouldn't it? It would be a sporting thing to do. I agree.

Starting point is 00:55:58 Very well, Byron. I shall teach you one water polo lesson. And after one lesson, I will defeat you... Wow. ...in a duel of water polo for the hand of Lady Amelia Spencer. That sounds good. Do you want to do the lesson while we take a break? Or do you want to do it on mic?

Starting point is 00:56:17 Do we do it during a break? Yeah, we'll do it during the break. Okay, so let's take a break. You can take a five-minute water polo lesson. That's fine, just to learn the rudiments. Three minutes more than I need. Alright, good. It'll take me that long to get into my bathing costume.

Starting point is 00:56:35 You're wearing a one-piece, like an old 20s. I, of course, am wearing a very European speedo. Yeah, that's a borehole. It's extremely European. It leaves nothing to the imagination. No, you're welcome. Whereas I allow your imagination to room free. What could be under this?

Starting point is 00:56:54 There's lumps that I'm not sure why there are lumps there. There's lumps. There's lumps. There's lumps. What do they call that band in England? The Queen. Oh, okay. What do they call Queen?

Starting point is 00:57:08 Her Majesty. Oh, okay. A trick. We have to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more Jason Manzookas, more Byron Denison, more The Gris. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Band. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back.

Starting point is 00:57:24 Jason Manzookas is over there by the pool. He's refereeing. Oh, yeah. We're completing the lesson over here. Byron Dediston is in the pool, along with The Gris. Byron, I'm noticing that it doesn't appear you really know how to swim. I thought I did.

Starting point is 00:57:45 What did you think that you knew? Well, I thought I knew all of the swimming. You thought you knew how to swim, but what did you actually know how to do? Oh, I can walk in a pool. Okay, yeah. It doesn't even know how to float. Well, I'm learning.

Starting point is 00:57:59 You're just sinking like a stone. Okay, so that thus endeth the lesson, unfortunately. That's all the time we have for the lesson. I think I'll be all right. I think I have. The Gris had to rescue you multiple times during the lesson. He didn't have to.

Starting point is 00:58:11 He did, no, no, no. Swallowed quite a bit of pool water. He chose to behave as though he were rescuing me. I really didn't need it. And you chose to behave as if you were being rescued. Well, no. Choices, choices, choices. He kept having to do the compressions on your chest.

Starting point is 00:58:27 You were saying, any, are you okay the entire time? And we don't do the mouth to mouth anymore, but I did it anyway. The final degree. As close as you'll get to touch a lady a million years lives. Oh, the transitive property of kissing. Outrage. I did not need mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Starting point is 00:58:45 Not at all. I was fine. Yes, I did get it. Do you feel like you know how to play water polo now? I do. Because as you got into your bathing costume. Yes. You took off your robe.

Starting point is 00:58:55 You admitted that you had no idea what the rules were. Yes, that's correct. Well, I hadn't taken any of those lessons I intended to. But actually, we did. We covered quite a bit in those five minutes. Yeah, so you tread water. Yes, I have to get it into the goal over there. Oh, over the net.

Starting point is 00:59:09 And then there'll be some treading water. Yes, which I think I can do. Yeah, okay. So we'll have this at the end of the show. We'll do this after plugs, I guess. All right. That'll be very exciting. Yes, I think so.

Starting point is 00:59:21 I do believe you're probably right that one of us will drown. One of us will. That is a way to really definitively say who is going to marry Lady Amelia. Is this a battle to the drown? Let's do that. How about it? I haven't played water polo to the death in quite some time. Were those like intramural matches that you used to play back in?

Starting point is 00:59:45 Were those your days at King University? One at a time. Sorry. University, I think. In the ancient days, of course, it was played to the death. Oh, when they first started, it must be an old, old sport. It's 10,000 years old. Wow.

Starting point is 01:00:03 What did they use as the ball back then? A rock. Just a rock. A sport now that's played used to be played with a rock. Where was it played? It must have been before swimming pools. Atlantis. A lost city of Atlantis?

Starting point is 01:00:19 The lost city of Atlantis. Not lost to those in the know. You've been to Atlantis? Can't say. Can't say. Is Atlantis a lost city because it is now a city of royals? It's like only royals and we're royals. If that were the case, I would know it.

Starting point is 01:00:36 Everything hidden is lost. Oh, interesting. I'll leave it at that. Oh. Interesting. Okay. A Winx is good as a nod to a blind man. True.

Starting point is 01:00:46 If you can't escape the Earth via spaceship, I guess, going underneath the levels of the water. Like Rick Ramender's book, Low. Low, yeah. I mean, that would be one way to... So many things in the ocean that human beings haven't yet to see. We know more about outer space than we know about the deepest depths of the ocean. I had a marine biologist on the show last week and she didn't come with very many facts.

Starting point is 01:01:10 Oh, really? I have to admit about... Did she talk about the see-through fish with the little lie-up lipo? Oh, that's some crazy shit. We saw her. I think that came up at some point. If you see Blue Planet 2, it's next level. They're my favorite.

Starting point is 01:01:24 We mainly talked about finding Dory in... Well, that film... And her friend Lyle. All of the knowledge of the sea is in that film. Yeah, and also in the Under the Sea song. Yeah, that's Sebastian the Crab Sings. It's Hotter Under the Water, et cetera. I have to ask, because this came up today.

Starting point is 01:01:43 There's some Rock and Roll Hall of Fame news that came up today. And you have a tangential relationship to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The spaceship is due to take off because of it? Yes. The issue is that there's this fellow... I won't say his name. Who is? We cannot say his name.

Starting point is 01:01:59 We mustn't say his name. No, and he has some skin... No. Not quite. Not he who shall not be named. No. He has a scheme to have some band, I also won't mention, inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Starting point is 01:02:13 And if that happens, it will be sort of the apocalypse, really. The apocalypse will come about. And that's why people are trying to escape the Earth via spaceship. Yes, that's exactly right. So this is sort of a countdown to that. Now, Shana and I was not on the shortlist this year. Yes, right. And Dolly Parton was.

Starting point is 01:02:30 Right. But she just took herself out of consideration, which means... There's an opening... Oh, there's an opening on the nominee list? Yeah. Do you think she stepped aside on purpose? For Shana and I, I think she wants it to happen. To make room for Shana and I?

Starting point is 01:02:42 I don't know. Do you think she's trying to bring about, like, some sort of Ragnarok kind of... I think that maybe Dollywood is a spaceship. Oh, interesting. Like, that is America's... She's going to take off as well. That's America's spaceship. That's America's Buckingham Palace.

Starting point is 01:02:56 How did you find out? Whoa! Wow! Really? I don't know. So America's royalty will all convene at Dollywood and take off. Who's America's royalty? Who do we got?

Starting point is 01:03:11 Who do we have as America's royalty? The aforementioned Kimberly Guilfoyle. Kimberly Guilfoyle. Will he be there? Yes, of course. Meghan Markle. I guess Meghan and Harry because they're here. Oh, you're here.

Starting point is 01:03:20 So Meghan's Hilgrimage. Harry Windsor. Meghan Markle. A lot of people say that the Kennedys are the equivalent of American royalty. So my assumption is... Okay, so Cheryl Heinz's husband. The VJ Kennedy. Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Starting point is 01:03:31 Yeah, all the greats will be there. Wow. Wow. What a poultry collection that is. Okay. But some good genes in there for breeding. Yeah. Well, Harry and Meghan raise it quite a bit.

Starting point is 01:03:39 I mean, a lot of people are going to want to breed with Dolly, if you know what I mean. What do you mean? She's pretty... She's quite old. I suspect she's gone through menopause. I suspect so. Manopause. Manopause.

Starting point is 01:03:47 Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause.

Starting point is 01:08:28 Manopaus. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause.

Starting point is 01:13:48 Manopause? Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause.

Starting point is 01:16:52 Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause

Starting point is 01:17:16 Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause, Manopause. Manopause.

Starting point is 01:17:24 Manopause. Manopause. Lorda. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause. Manopause.

Starting point is 01:33:50 Manopause. Manopause. Manopause.

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Jason Mantzoukas, Andy Daly, Paul F. Tompkins

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