Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Jon Hamm, Seth Morris, Shaun Diston

Episode Date: March 31, 2025

Member of the "12th Timer Club," Jon Hamm, is back in the studio to talk about his new series "Your Friends & Neighbors" on Apple TV. Then, a lumpier Bob Ducca drops by to talk about his involvement in the men's vitality movement. Plus, Mike Ruby - The No Stank Plumber - sighs while sharing the sad fates of his plumbing friends.  Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb 

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take and 100% of the shots you do take because you're bad at sports and miss every shot. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Too long. Thank you to Floppy Baby for that catchphrase submission, Floppy Baby. The hunt continues and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. My name is Scott Aukerman. I don't even believe I introduced myself

on our last episode. So if you listen to all of that and had no idea who the host was, but you said, you know what? I'll try another one in case he introduces himself. I am Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. We have a great episode coming up a little later. We have a custodian, someone who works

in custodial services. So that's a good episode of Comedy Bang Bang, I think. Um, but, uh, on the other end of the spectrum, uh, although I, I don't know, I would imagine that you make a mess in the toilet occasionally. Sure. I'm proud, a proud mess. Uh, he is an old friend of the show. He, uh, of course, uh, put in six seasons or seven. How many did

you do with that show? Which show? You know what show I'm talking about? What other show have you? The Division? The Division, of course. We all remember you. Uh, me and Nancy McKee. I remember those, uh, the billboards around town. Oh, it was huge.

I was like, there's my friend John. There he is. He made it. Television for women, lifetime television for women, 10 tits and a dick. You of course were the owner of two of those tits. Yes, two beautiful masculine tits. How many seasons of Mad Men did you do? We did eight seasons of Mad Men. You're kidding me.

93 episodes, yeah. 93, why not do the extra seven? It does beg the question. You know what I mean? Just come back for a little completion. Do it all over the- Round number. You know, one episode per season or whatever, or just do a final season where there's like

seven more. Why don't you get back together, do a final season? Listen, your lips to God's ears. Honestly, that show kind of stopped in the middle of things. Did it? Pretty much at the end of the continent. Well, whatever, maybe you didn't see the end. Who knows? Yeah, well, I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention.

A lot of people didn't pay attention. It was a show really made for passive viewing. But he, of course, played Don Draper. Don Draper. On Mad Men. Don Draper. And- Donald Diaper. Now he inexplicably is playing a guy

named Andrew Cooper. Cooper Draper Draper, Cooper Draper. Cooper Draper, Cooper Draper. On a different show called your friends and neighbors, which is coming out on April 11th. Apple TV plus streaming once a week. The first two episodes would drop on the 11th and then it'll be once a week, the slow drip.

So if you have an extra $500,000, $1,500 in your spare pocket, and you want an Apple TV subscription. You know what, it doesn't cost that much, God. I believe it does. You're radically overestimating the cost of it. I think it's much closer to the same. I mean, with all the bells and whistles. Well, sure, if you want a really good connection

and like all the stuff, yeah, $500 million. But other than that, no, it's remarkably affordable. Please welcome back to the show for, I'm gonna try and guess how many actual episodes you've done. Your guess is as good as mine. I'm gonna say 12. I think it's at least 12. At least 12, okay, so 13 maybe.

Let's go with 13. Let's say 13. A baker's dozen. Please welcome back John Hamm. Hooray, the aforementioned baker, Donald Baker. Donald Baker. Donald dozen. Joe Don Baker. Joe Donald Baker. Hi, John, the aforementioned Baker, Donald Baker. Donald Baker. Donald doesn't. Joe Don Baker. Joe Donald Baker.

Hi John, welcome back to the show. Thank you so much for being back, for being, I believe you've done, I'm checking it out right here, I have your stats, ready? That's like a little baseball card, but with my CBB stats. You have done, in terms of the podcast.

Only the podcast, not the television show. Not the television show or the radio show. No, this includes the radio show. But have you ever done a live episode? I don't think so. Okay, so you, and how many episodes of the TV show did you do? Just one. One.

Okay, so out of the podcast, this is your 12th appearance. Wow, that is such an amazing guest. Incredible, and let me. Wow. That is such an amazing guest. Incredible. And let me give you- And I'm an amazing guest. Let me give you your numbers. You did four episodes of our first 100. Oh, wow. So I was an early adopter. That's right. You were on episode 12.

Holy moly. Was that when they were once a week? Or were they- They still are once a week, yes. Okay. Well, you know, pandemic. I don't know. Plan- Are we still in the pandemic? Mully. So was that when they were once a week or were they still are once a week? Yes. Well, you know, pandemic, I don't know. Plan. Are we still in the pandemic? Planned it. Um, then you did one episode in this, in the hundreds.

Okay. So I took a little breather. I was probably a little busier than, well, actually it wasn't, it wasn't truly a breather as much as, uh, because you, you did 126, that was number episode a hundred. So it was like, you're doing about every 25 episodes. Then you didn't come back again until 211. So you went-

But I got it, I'm still in the once 100. You're still in once 100, but it was a couple years before you came back. Then you jump all the way up to 494. Oh, I missed the threes. I missed the threes. You missed the threes, that was four years later. I. Oh, I missed the threes. I missed the threes. You missed the threes. That was four years later. Man, I wonder where I was during the threes.

We of course had our legendary food. The terrible threes. Yeah, Scott and I were at Loggerheads. Which is a beautiful camp up in Northern California, by the way. If you ever get a chance to go to Loggerheads, please. Oh my God, gorgeous. Yes, sponsor the show, yes.

Then you come back about a year later, in fact, under a year later, you're in episode 540, and then you do another episode in the 500s, 599. Well, because I feel like I kind of dissed the threes, so I wanted to get back on that prime number train. That's right, also it was our 10th anniversary episode, you came in and did something. Oh, that was fun, I remember that one. And then-

It was a rainy day in Hollywood. You were on, was that a rainy day, really? Yeah, I remember that, yeah. That was interesting. So that was 599, which may as well have been the 600s. Close enough. So we'll count it in the 600s. Then you're back up to 774. Dang. That's three years later, of course, the pandemic happened.

Yeah, it happened. It's almost like it was planned. And then you go to 839, which is a year later, and now you're in 900 and this is like 909 or something like that. One after 909. So wow, an incredible recap of all of your appearances that created about five minutes of content. So much content.

And I think I'm gonna say it, riveting. People were like, I don't know, is he gonna make the fours? Is he gonna make the fives? What's the 599? Is it a six? Well, you're a good friend to the show. I appreciate you being here so often.

It's always a fun time. Hope to have you in the thousands. I hope so too. Maybe one triple O. I'd certainly, I wouldn't turn down an invitation. Really, you wanna be on the thousands? You know, I'm a big anniversary guy, clearly. You're coming up on your first anniversary.

Of? Being married, I believe. It's the second, but sure. Is this public? Oh, it's the second, oh, okay. Yeah, second anniversary in June, which is nice. What I meant to say is the first anniversary of your first anniversary. First anniversary, of course.

Congratulations. Thank you. It's a very, yes, no, I got married in 2023. Wonderful stuff. We all love love. In June, up in Big Sur. Beautiful, beautiful. And we mentioned that you did eight years and approximately 93 episodes of the Mad Men

TV show. Yeah, exactly. 93. You can count them. And then it comes to my attention via the news wires that you have some other show called Your Friends and Neighbors. I watch Mad Men and I go, you know what? That's the perfect.

Why do more? That's the perfect cap of his career. Why would you do more? I think I am confused and our listeners are confused as to why you would do another TV show. I think part of why I'm here is to help alleviate that confusion in some way. Explain this to us in ways that will make us understand.

Scott, I don't know if you've heard of this device, this kind of concept, money. Oh. It's a great thing. Oh, is that why you're doing all these commercials? Yeah, man. It enables you to buy goods and services. Oh, is that why you're doing all these commercials? Yeah, man! It enables you to buy goods and services. Oh, okay. Like if you needed a-

What's the best thing you bought recently? Ooh, good question. The best thing I bought- Because you mentioned to me that you bought- Well, goods and services. A poster for Eight Days in the Valley. Yes, I do own a giant one sheet for Eight Days in the Valley. Which one was that movie about? It was about a week long in the valley. Yes, I do own a giant one sheet for eight days in the valley.

It was about a week long in the valley. And it was a lot, there was a lot of high jinx. It was Charlize Theron's first starring vehicles, I believe James Spader? Spade? Maybe woods. There was one, there was some- What's the difference between a spader and a wood?

Exactly, oh. I would imagine a spader goes to work in the woods. For sure. Using a spade. You got a spade that stuff out. Their ancestors probably worked together. Hugely intertwined families. The greatest thing I bought recently, I don't, you know,

I don't know why. What kind of car do you drive? And what's your license plate number? My license plate number is 72GG543. It is a distributor plate. Oh wait, you must have one of those because you do the commercials for- I got the freebie, man!

You get the freebie, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you don't even have to buy that. No, so I don't have to buy that. So what's the best thing that you, like what's something where you're like, man, doing these shows is all worth it because I bought this. Buddy, let me tell you what I just bought recently

that blew my mind. I bought myself some free time. Whoa. That's more valuable than anything. Man, I'm telling you. You have a young child. Free time with your lady. You know, free time is more valuable than anything.

That's right, yeah, that's why we work so hard. That's why you work so hard. Hey, a lot of people live to work. This guy works to live. That's right. I work to work. Well, that's also totally fine. Sometimes I live to live.

Sometimes you live and let die, I noticed too. I did that once. It was a little bit painful. I used to say live and let live. You used to. Tell me about your friends and neighbors because this is baffling to me. You were on this Apple TV about a year ago

where you were playing, you were on the morning show and you were, they were asking the question, what if Elon Musk were handsome? Which is like a fanciful world that we can't even really imagine. Or articulate. Yes.

It was, it all started, Scott, and I know again, I know you know how this business works. Yeah. If you want a job, really anywhere, what you really should do. Get headshots. For any job. For sure.

Get a headshot, and by all means, buy a beeper. Yeah, and make it a composite too. Try to be in connection. Like you dress up like a chef in one picture. Yeah, there's a, hey, a spicy meatball, maybe something funny, maybe something serious. Any job. Crying clown, you know, whatever, juggle.

You can do whatever you can do, represent that in your headshot and make sure you say you Can horseback ride on your CV as you might say a comp card Yes, regardless what you really need to do when you want a job on any of these streaming platforms and there are so many Scott yes, you've got fooby you've got tubi you've got blueby blueby and and you've got Netflix. You've got Hulu you've got you Lou and you've got Netflix, you've got Hulu, you've got Youlu, you've got Yolo, which is the one where if you only live once,

you should get that one. Weirdly, they only stream you only live twice. Which is odd. Yeah. And they only do it, guess how many times? Once. Yep. And then they just turn the lights off. And that's it, you do your 9.99 a month.

Anyways, what you do- So let me guess what you do. You have to do a commercial for them to let them know you'll play ball. Scott, that's exactly what you do. You get them to pay you to do a commercial on their own platform. For their own platform.

Where you beg for a job. Yeah, that's essentially what that commercial was, wasn't it, where it was a commercial of everyone else in Hollywood has a TV show on Apple, except for me. Except for me. And then suddenly you have a TV show on Apple except for me. Except for me. And then suddenly you have a TV show. Two.

Two, yeah, you have a- Morning show. Morning show. Are you still on that morning show? TBD, but you never know. You never know about this guy. I mean, listen, this guy's here and there, he's everywhere, he's in space, he's on the earth,

he's, who knows? I thought it was weird on the morning show with the last episode where basically it all comes out that you tried to screw over Jennifer Ames, some spoilers for the morning show. Oh come on, it was two years ago. And then he just jumps into a rocket ship and goes, bye! Bye!

And just sticks his sails off into space. It was such an odd end to a series that I was like. I thought the weirdest thing about the end of the morning show was all of a sudden it was like afternoon. That's the thing is, truth in advertising is very important to me. That's why Saturday Night Live, which I know you're hosting in a week or so is.

Four timer club. Come on guys. Come on, I mean, by the way, you're in the 12th timer club on this show. That's three times. We care about you even more. Yep, yep, yep. But that show is, they say Saturday Night Live.

Two thirds of it takes place on Sunday morning. Sunday morning. Also, you wanna do your 50th anniversary and you wanna do it on a Sunday? Hey guys. Guys, it's called Saturday Night Live for a reason. It's not Saturday Night Live in Australia. My God, these guys.

Whatever. In any case, so yeah, the morning show, I was noticing occasionally you were boning down on Jennifer Aniston. Nighttime. In the middle of the night. Nighttime, nighttime. Yeah. It's morning somewhere, I guess is the idea. Istin in the middle of the night. Nighttime, nighttime. It's morning somewhere, I guess is the idea.

I guess that's the idea behind the show. They do make that disclaimer. The idea is, once again, you demand that the streaming platform in question Yes, yes. pay you for a commercial, then give you a television show. This is what happened.

Wow. This is an incredible story. So your friends and neighbors starts, it's a- So wait, I could do this? If you had the gumption. I guess I don't have the gumption. Buddy, you gotta get a gumption guy. So I just talk to Apple TV, I say,

hey, pay me to do a commercial. Say, hey guys, how about a little Scott sauce? How about a little Scott hot sauce? Scott hot saucerman. This is a good piece of advice. I'm just gonna do a cold call. Just cold call him. You don't know who he's talking to, right?

Yeah, hi, Apple. How about Scott Sauce? Call the Genius Bar and go, where do I do this? Yeah, go work my way up through the Genius Bar. Listen, somebody knows somebody. That's how it works. This guy, by the way, have we talked about this guy, Tim Cook?

He works at Apple, but his name is Cook. His name should be Tim Apple. But okay, it's Cook. We give you that, but he doesn't cook apples? What the fuck is going on with this guy? Exactly, guy, can you throw a pie into anything? Throw a pie into one thing? One goddamn thing.

Anyway, so. Whatever. Your friends and neighbors. Your friends and neighbors is a contemporary story unlike Mad Men, which takes place in the 1960s. So are you saying that this show takes place in the exact hour that anyone ever watches it? No. It takes place in the 1960s. So are you saying that this show takes place in the exact hour that anyone ever watches it? No. It takes place in the past.

No, just contemporary, contemporary, like near, near. But how long ago were we talking? I think just maybe within days. Like calendar week? Yeah, within days of now. Yeah, within days of now. So wait, the events of the-

I mean, I think the Smiths said it best. How soon is now? And this is what they said. the events of the- I mean, I think the Smiths said it best. How soon is now? And this is what they said. The events of the first episode are about to happen because the show doesn't come out for another 11 or 12 days or so. Hey, hey, hey, tune in. So this is all set in the future,

according to when we're taping this. Depending on the- And when this comes out. Depending on the present. Okay, so this is a futuristic show. Could be. Interesting. So are there lasers and stuff? I mean, aren't there lasers and everything?

Try to open your phone without a laser. Good luck. And no one's wearing glasses, so I bet they use lasers to correct their vision. Lasik. Mm-hmm. Tim Cook knows about it. His name should be Tim Lasik.

Tim Lasik. You know, but then he wears glasses, so this guy's confusing. Man, you know, Job's had it right. You know what Steve Jobs had? A job! Job, exactly. Johnny Cash had it right. You know what Steve Jobs had? A job. Exactly. Johnny Cash, half cash, Bob Hope. All he did was give the soldiers hope.

Thank you. Good Lord. So in any case, this is a futuristic show. Joe Penny from Simon versus Simon. Pennywise. Also, they had nothing but copper coins. I'd love to live in the sewer. What about you?

I mean, depending on the sewer. Have you been to some of these sewers? You can trick out a sewer. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. There's a couple of places in Manhattan. I was like, there's some nice tile work in here. Beverly Hills sewers, everyone?

Yeah. 9021, yes. So this guy's, first of all, he decides to call himself Andrew Cooper. Well, it goes by Coop. Did parents name him this? His birth name, Andrew, last name, Cooper. Because in Mad Men there was all this like, shenanigans with Don Draper in his real name.

Is that the same thing? No, we went away from that. We felt like we did that in the first show. It would be ballsy if in the middle of the first season. Every character I play is like, is that your real name? And I'm like, I got something to tell you. You gotta pitch this.

Sorry. No, it's his real name. He goes through sort of a seismic event in his life. He loses his job through no fault of his own. Some corporate chicanery, a little shenanigans happened to him. And because his main source of income has evaporated. His job.

His job. That's usually people's main sources of income. Yeah, but some people have ancillary income you could say. Yeah, I mean a lot of people's ancestors, you know. Yeah, aunts and uncles, ancillary and uncle Soleri, they sometimes give you money. Sure. Anyways, he does lose his job, He is living a very expensive existence and he kind of takes account of all of his friends and neighbors around him and realizes, these

people don't need all this stuff. Maybe he can start relieving them of some of them by fits and starts and steals from them. Oh, like he goes over to their houses at parties and like takes a necklace or two? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, he's like a modern day Robin Hood. He's like a Robin Hood. Giving it to himself.

But giving it to himself. Yeah, I love this. So I think he might have missed kind of the point of Robin Hood, but he got. Who can say? He got the Robin part. Sure, yeah. Yes, he was definitely Robin.

Does he wear a hood? Do you get to wear a cloak or anything like that? Well, he does. Like Doctor Strange? I gotta tell you, he does wear a hoodie. And that's close wear a hoodie. Maybe he's Robin hoodie. That's close.

Which was the working type. So the cast on this, we're talking Olivia Munn, Amanda Pete, Mark Tallman. His, his, his last name is Tallman. Uh, but he looks like Tallman and he is a tall man. Is he a tall? Yeah. What are we talking? Six, two, six three, tall enough. Those are good stats.

I mean he's not an Aukerman size human being. I'm only six two and a half. But that's not true at all. Really, you think I'm taller than that? I think you are at least six four. I've stood next to you. No, no, I'm not. Come on.

I mean, I felt like every time I stand next to you, Poe Sane and Tall John, I feel like I am in fourth grade. I'm the shortest out of both of them. We have Hoon Lee, we have Lena Hall. We have- Lena Hall from Broadway's Headwink and the Angry Inch. Yep, Amy Carrero. Who people would know from She-Ra.

She-Ra. She-Ra. And then recurring, we're talking Corbin Bernsen from L.A. Law. Yes, indeed, Corbin Bernsen from Major League. Yes. Roger Dorn from Major League, the affable second baseman.

That's right. And then a bunch of people who I don't know. But, I mean, this is... But you will. You will know them. They'll be imprinted on my memory from here to the end of time. It's a wonderful ensemble. It's a funny show. It's a dark show. There's, you know, it's a dark show, it's a, there's a lot of difficulties happen because of the criminal nature of what-

Do you get to do the Mission Impossible thing where you lower yourself into a room and then you- It's not, no, it's not, it's more just him kind of looking around and sort of peeling off from the crowd into a closet and just stealing some stuff. What if Bruce Wayne did exactly everything, instead of becoming Batman, he just goes and steals stuff in the other room.

Yeah, he stole stuff from his friends, like, all right, hey man. So this is sort of like a Batman type of show, that's set in the future. Yes, it's a lot like Batman and a little like Mad Men, so it's Batman. Batman. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, this is a dynamite show. I mean, your friends and neighbors, it obviously comes out on Apple TV Plus. Apple TV Plus, April 11th, first two episodes. Day after wet day. So you're gonna be drying off. Yeah, Fortensky, I'll be, I'll be.

Yeah, Forten, obviously he's wet day when we get as wet as possible. As possible, you have to get wet on Forten. So is everyone like drying off in this show in the first scene scene like from wet day or you say it's contemporary. So I imagine that. I mean, I'll let you find out,

but I think the answer might surprise you. Oh boy. Yeah. I'm not sure which is gonna surprise me more, no or yes? Maybe a mixture? Tune in. Someone like wipes their towel with a rag.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Really? It will be patently apparent. Oh man, this is gonna be the perfect television show for wet day. That's what you call a teaser. Of course we're celebrating wet day next week on the show. Wet day, wet day. Wet day, yes, wet day? Wet day, wet day.

This is a good thing that we need to tour the country with. Third base. Jon Hamm is here and did you have to figure out what a hedge fund manager is when you did this show or did you just say lines? I just said lines, let's be honest. We all have a working idea of what a hedge fund manager is. Do we?

I still have no idea. Sonic the hedge fund manager, I think we all know. There's Sonic and Knuckles and one of them manages hedge fund and one of them doesn't, one's red, one's blue. I get it, I get it. I'm a professional actor. If there ever was anything that you didn't understand. Wikipedia.

Wikipedia, really? So. Right to the source. You don't wanna embarrass yourself in front of your peers by like asking a question. No, no, no, no, no. Just go right to Wikipedia. Yeah, no thank you. That's why it's there. That's why I donate $4 a year.

Oh, boy, those are big numbers. Big numbers. Do you? Think about it. There's probably a billion people that use that. That's four billion dollars a year if anybody follows my lead. It is probably the website that I go to the most every day, and I have never donated,

and I need to rectify that. Just change it, change it today. Just do an auto pay, like 500 a month. Exactly. That's an Apple TV plus subscription. That's the base level, yeah, for sure. I mean, you're gonna wanna get a little, bump it up a little more, but yeah, yeah. For subscription. That's the base level, yeah, for sure. I mean, you're gonna wanna get a little, bump it up a little more, but yeah, yeah.

For sure. To get the real shows too. To get the good stuff. Like basically just 500 a month pays for like the Apple logo on your screen. You get an Apple logo on your screen, you get a sticker to put on the back of your laptop. Which is really nice.

Which is awesome because then everybody will think, oh, it's a Mac, it's a MacBook. Exactly. Instead of that dumb Acer. How many days a week you work on this show? All of them. You did a five day, really? Oh yeah.

These are your Mad Men numbers. Yeah, it was a tough, and it's a lot harder to do that. I just turned 54 years old, March 10th, and it's a lot harder to do that in your 50s than it is in your 30s, but I loved doing the work and it was fun. I enjoyed it. We shot the show in upstate New York.

So we were living in New York City, that was really fun. I'd never really. Seen in Broadway shows. I didn't, I didn't have any time, unfortunately. You're working five days a week. Yeah, exactly. Although I did see one, what was it called? It was the Tom Stoppard play that was, oh, it was so heavy, that Josh Molina was in and David Cromholds and anyway.

Great people. Great people, great show, it was aboutholds. And anyway, anyway. Great people. Great people, great show. It was about the Holocaust. It was super fun. Uh-oh! Bad times. So you had a great time shooting it. Yes, wonderful time shooting it.

From action to cut. Fabulous times had on screen. Yes, Craig Gillespie, who you might know from I, Tanya. He directed the first couple episodes. He also directed me. Please don might know from I, Tanya. He directed the first couple episodes. He also directed me. Please don't joke about I, Tanya this Christmas, by the way. Why Tanya?

Exactly, third days. So it's a great- With the hard way words of wisdom. It's a great TV show. We need people to watch this. Hey, tune in, check it out. Second season in the bag already? We're starting the second season

before the first one even comes out. That's how much people like this show. And by people, I mean the people that are paying for it at Apple. I love this. All right, we're all gonna watch it. We're all gonna dry off on the post-wed day. Dry off from wet day.

Dry off from wet day on April 11th. So Friday dry day. Friday dry day, that's exactly, I mean, wet day happens on a different day every year. But this year. This year's a Friday dry day. Friday dry day, come on's exactly, I mean wet day happens on a different day every year. But this year. This year's a Friday, dry day. Friday, dry day, come on guys. Thank you, John. You are welcome.

This is gonna come in handy for next week when we do our wet day special. We need to take a break. We have someone who works in custodial services. I cannot wait. It's been a minute. This is a good show. I've got questions. We have one of our biggest stars

who's done the show 12 times and we have someone who's a janitor. You know what? I'm not gonna give that guy any shit. Hey, I love it. Thank you. We're gonna come right back. This is a very exceptional 12th episode of John Hamm's. We're gonna come right back with more Comedy Bang Bang

right after this. Eee, dirty dozen. Dirty dozen. Yeah. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. John Hamm is here. Your Friends and Neighbors, which is a TV series. Apparently it was something else,

cause Wikipedia has- It was something else. I think it might've been a movie, but you know what? Who gives a shit? It was a 1998 black comedy film written and directed by Neil Labute. Tyler Pa- Oh. Neil Labute, yes, correct.

I think it was a play that turned into a movie starring. And this has nothing to do with that? No. How does this make Neil Labute feel? He like turns on Apple TV plus one day and he's like, they're making a series out of my movie. We're going to be rich, honey. We're going to be rich. And then his wife goes, we've been over this.

You can't copyright a title. Yeah. Yeah. It's too bad. Yep. Sorry, Neil. We're gonna be rich, honey! We're gonna be rich! And then his wife goes, we've been over this. You can't copyright a title. Yeah. Yeah. It's too bad. Yep, sorry Neil. Sorry Neil, but you are out of luck. In any case, your Friends and Neighbors comes out

on April 11th on Apple TV Plus. Scott, don't be alarmed. Oh, whoa. What? Scott, don't be alarmed. John, is that you? No, no, no, that's not me. Look under the table.

Ah! Oh my God. Sorry. Sorry you've been down there a long time. Hi, Bob. Hey, John, do you know Bob Dooka, my stepfather? Finally place a face to the shoe. I do know Bob Dooka.

Hello, hello John. Hi, Bob. Hi, Bob. Hi. Scott. What are you doing here under the table? It's a very urgent matter. I've come to you, a desperate man. How long have you been here if it's so urgent?

Let's not get bogged down into detail, Scott. Okay. Did you hear the entire first segment? Pretty good, I thought. It was a great segment. Thanks Bob. I love the shout out to late 80s rap group, Third Bass. Third Bass, spelled B-A-S-S, through the hard way, words of wisdom.

But Scott, jokes and security breaches aside, I have an important question to ask you. Sorry, for the listener, by the way, this is Bob Duca. He was married to my mother for six months. Six glorious months. Back in the 90s, was it? Again, let's not get bogged down into details here. Just know that this connection can never be unbroken and you are my forever baby boy. It's very sweet.

That's so nice. Which makes what I'm about to ask you all the more ironic. All right, I was a grown adult when you were married to my mother, but all right. Always be a baby boy to me. Scott, I've come to ask you for your hand and please adopt me. What?

I've looked into the legalities of this. I need you to adopt me for love, sure, but also for medical insurance. You want me to adopt you? Bob, first of all, you didn't even adopt me when you were married to my mother. I didn't want it because- Everybody was all uptight about it.

Not that I'm uptight, I just, I was in my 30s, I believe. Sure. And didn't need a father figure at that point. What is, okay, let's get into the weeds on what need is. What does anybody need? Let's break it down. Food, shelter, water. Food, shelter, N-E-E-D. Right, N.

No, not that specific. Again, let's not get bogged down in details. Please don't get bogged down in details. Okay, food, shelter, water. Water. And everything else is gravy, baby. Okay, food, shelter, water, gravy. Right. Okay.

No, not gravy. Everything else is gravy. Everything else falls under gravy. Sure. Okay. The point is, the point is the way that I wanted to adopt you had nothing to do with need. It had to do with ritual, tradition, and a strong desire to connect. I understand that, but why then would the shoe be on the other foot? Why would I then need to adopt you? Thank you so much, Rhett. You could probably tell from my demeanor that I'm much buffer than I usually am.

You do look great. I wouldn't say great necessarily. I wouldn't say bad. Some would say buffer, some would say lumpier. Scott, I've become fully engrossed in the men's vitality movement, and for the last six weeks. Had you been dabbling before, but now you're fully engrossed?

I fully, I dipped a toe in it, and now I'm deep, deep in it. Okay. I've been a patient, a client at the Alpha Dynamics Men Trans Longevity Clinic run by Dr. Winona Bambini. What does that entail? I don't know what any of those words. I will tell you what, but I need the insurance to cover it's, it's

longevity, it's male vitality. You know, there's this crisis of masculinity in this country and the world. I hadn't noticed, John. It doesn't feel like, it feels like that might be made up. No, listen, you, my friend, have nothing to worry about. You are dripping with masculinity, but this little, God bless you, my son,

but this little puddle. Why are you forcing a communion wafer into my mouth? It's not a communion wafer. Oh no. No, no. It's a zen. It's a zen. Oh, it's a zen.

Well, all right. I guess that's a- In the longevity community, you'd be what's known as a cuck puddle. I don't know why they're branding people that way. I think that's cruel, but that's what I was and I don't want to be that anymore. I found out that, you know, I've let people walk all over me too much and part of that is the physicality, but I need to continue the rigid physical and nutritional program that I'm on.

And if it, I'm afraid that if I, like, can you ever seen a weightlifter? But I've ever seen Arnold Schwarzenegger lately? Jared Liesveld Okay, these are two very different questions. Have I seen a weightlifter ever or have I seen Arnold Schwarzenegger lately? Pete Slauson Well, the first one sets up the second one. Because the first one's a no, then we have a lot of backtracking to do. Jared Liesveld I have, I mean, John, you've seen a weightlifter.

John Gerst I've definitely seen a weightlifter and I've seen Arnold Schwarzenegger lately, so yes to both. Right. So a weightlifter after they stop working out looks like a wet bean bag. So you're trying to say that Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a wet bean bag. Oh, absolutely, yes.

I don't know if I agree with you. I think he's looking good for, you know, he's 70 or something. Oh, come on, you brown noser. You're afraid you're going to see him at the SNL after party next week? Probably. Yeah, probably. He's a big SNL after party guy. If there's one thing I know about the Schwartz is that he goes late. He hangs out and goes late. Well, the point is if I don't continue this regiment, my health is in grave jeopardy.

This is all covered by insurance? It is. It is for me because of the recent administration, they've allowed certain, if you're diagnosed as a deep beta male, which I have been, and clinically- What is deep beta? I know what a beta male is. There's a lower level. Is that like dark mega?

There's a lower level. There's a lower level. Is that like dark mega? There's a lower level. There's a lower level. This is basement level beta. Oh yeah. Deep beta. Deep beta. Deep beta and clinically unfuckable. You can get insurance to revitalize your manhood.

And if I don't continue, I'd love to share with you the regiment there, man. I suppose so. I think we'd all like to hear it just for educational purposes. Okay, now these- Maybe this is a regimen that you and I can go together. John's probably, if he's not on these, then he's, God bless him, because he's got this naturally. Well, listen, I think we could all use some help.

Sure. Sure, sure. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. You know what, hey. That's what this is all about, it's about helping people. Just help, just help. No, no, no, no.

I have a little concern though, is why do you need Scott's help? Because I need to get on his insurance. I see, I see. I missed that one. I'm tracking all this. So he wants me to adopt. I've appeared in so many medical journals that I'm no longer insurable. You're in the, yes, you're in the column DBCU, deep beta clinically unfuckable, which is the hard right column.

Yes, right. Yes. And so you're checking a lot of boxes and this is the regimen that you decided on. This is the regimen to get me out of that beta basement. Right, and would you be an alpha then? Or would you, I mean. Oh yes, yes.

I, to be honest, am a little afraid of you becoming an alpha. Because I think there was a recent episode you were on where you tried to alpha me at one point, and it was very uncomfortable. I think I did a pretty good job. I've been reeling ever since. Well, that's part of it, I guess, is thinking you did a good job.

Oh, yeah. That's part of being an alpha. You know what's the exciting thing about me becoming an alpha? Again, on the weightlifter thing, have you ever seen a buff old man and how cool they look? Yeah. I guess. It's nothing like somebody that's super muscly, but also with pattern baldness. Yeah, they have an old purse face and then the body of like a young man.

You see them on billboards. That's what I'm going to do. That's what you're looking for. Yes. Okay, what is your regiment? What's the regiment? Thank you. Well, the following, again, all prescribed by Dr. Winoto Bambini at the clinic. I start out with Athletic Greens AG1 of course.

Sure. Continue on with Ultra Water. Intravenous Vitamin Drip, Outravenous Vitamin Sploosh, Testosterone, Human Growth Hormone, Andrew Huberman Proprietary Metamucil, Scientology Grade Niacin, Red Bull Enema, motorcycle vitamins, omega-3 fatty acids, beta-2 chubby bubbles, wet cement capsules, electricity pellets. I go on a five-hour dopamine gorge sesh every day.

Creatine, protein, nicotine, ketamine, liquified weight lifter magazine. See, there it is again. That's why I asked you. Okay, yeah. Because if you didn't know what they were, then you'd be like, what's the magazine about? Thank you.

I do these workouts in physical regimen every day. How long does that take? Which? All of it. Oh. That's a pretty, just the five hour dopamine. I wake up at 4 30 AM to start the regimen. I finished the regimen at midnight.

Re wow. So talk about living to work and working to live. Yeah, really? And somehow I still get eight hours of sleep in there. That's because of the incredible amount of efficiency from this program. And you know what helps the following workout. You have another list of, of workout.

I would call it a sub list. Okay, great. It's called the same. All right. Yeah. Bullet point. Hypertext. Hypertext.

Is that a question? Are you familiar with hypertext? You like hypertext. Third base had a hypertext man. Yeah, they did. Cold plunge,. Yeah, right. I did. Cold plunge, hot dip, shake plate, air bike, alligator wave pool, stair climber, stair fall downer, medicine ball, kettlebells, silver chairs, Nordic track kidnap machine,

Kettlebells, silver chairs, Nordic track kidnap machine, Kato from Inspector Clouseau robot, David Blaine ice block escape workout, battle ropes, King Kong shoelaces. These supplements for sexual health and overall vitality. That's why I'm able to, to, to, to, to, to, to alpha you. Sure. Okay. This is another sub list by the way. Sure. Yes. Yeah.

Are you going to ask me hyperlink again? I think you established you would prefer link. Yeah. Have you? Well, you might need some of these neurotropics then because of your memory. Is that, is that faulty already? Oh brother. All right.

What are you taking Bob? Ooh, you know what? You're like me, your, your body, your body's got a lot of energy. Neurotropics then because if your memory is that faulty already. Oh brother. All right. What are you taking Bob? Ooh, you know what? You're like me, your body's going to start on this regiment and your body's going to go, fella, you got a lot of splaining to do. You got a lot of splaining to do. This is the Desi Arnaz.

Is that what it is? Yeah. I don't know. Somebody said it in the clip. Reference from My Love Lucy. I don't know. Yeah. Okay. Rhino horn, tiger penis, Griffin pussy, snake piss,

baby blood, silverback gorilla tummy, Tesla pudding, Jake Paul lozenges, I do daily Krav Maga with Canadian misogynist Jordan Peterson, I do daily Krav Maga with Canadian misogynist Jordan Peterson. Bezos yogurt with over 700 trillion very active probiotics. Dave Portnoy nipple chis charge. I take these advanced cognitive functionalids. Yes, this is another sublist. Wow, this is unprecedented.

This is a lot. Listen, my list needs some Adderall, cause it is hyper. Neuro gum, true brain, alpha brain, omega brain, lion's mane, Yeti-Murkin, coenzyme Q10, coenzyme Q15, coenzyme pew, pew, pewzyme pew pew pew pew pew pew. Ashwagandha mushrooms, Ashkenazi toadstool, salt juice, butter coffee, donkey lettuce,

MMA zucchini, bone broth, turtle eggs, antler soup, bone broth, turtle eggs, antler soup, knife spaghetti, mammoth chili and karate salad. Wow. That is a complete. That. And then I meditate. Oh yeah, well sure, I get. So you can understand how I've become addicted to this stuff mentally and physically. Yeah.

And if you deny me this adoption, you are denying me full potential and you're also contributing to the crisis of masculinity that is ravaging our country. We don't want that. I mean, John, I'm sure you would agree that- Oh, it's not. Of course not. I guess my concern is how have you afforded all of this so far? Again, I'm a test case. It's sort of like- Let me see. The current administration is worried that men like him exist, and so they're trying to-

So they're trying to legislate them out of existence, essentially, by improving their performance. If you could imagine, you remember Dr. Oz, the great man Dr. Oz, when he would help a sick child, he'd go to these different cities and help people. You know, there's a part of- That reminds me of somebody else. Santa Claus?

Going around the world helping sick kids. Little guy named Jesus Christ. I don't know that he went around the world. I think he pretty much stayed in- The known world at the time. Yeah. I mean- And how do you know?

We worshiped- Exactly. Were you there? We worshiped Buff Jesus at the clinic. Of course. Although I guess his, remember that he came back to life and then he just flied off into space one day. He could have flown to like.

He fly off, he fly off. He could have flown to let's call it South America. Yeah, exactly. I mean it's not like there aren't Christians and so. Go visit the Incas. Yeah, see what's up. Yeah. You guys seem to be into gold.

Wow, I mean this is a lot, Bob. A lot, Bob. A lot, sure. How long have you been, how long? Can I ask just a real pressing question? Cause it seems like a lot to take into the body. Are there any side effects? Are there, there are some side effects.

I do, I will admit to having random rage episodes. Yeah. Really? That's not like you. Please don't look me in the eye. Which is surprising, honestly. Please don't look me in the eye. Which is surprising, honestly. Please don't look me in the eye. As long as I've known you, I'll look you in the chin.

Is that cool? Sure. Okay. Do you notice it's bigger and bolder? Well, I mean, it didn't start from a great place, so I think maybe that's- I take that, I accept that. Yeah. It was terrible.

It's been a terrible place. I just- My chin was in a dark place, let's be honest. What was her name? Pete Liesveld Because let's not forget, my chin got… Pete Liesveld Lodi? Pete Liesveld Too soon. Pete Liesveld It's not too soon.

Pete Liesveld You know how invested I was in the Creedence Clearwater revival, legal troubles. To see those brothers fighting was just so heartbreaking. Pete Liesveld Look, Bob, how long before your regimen runs out? Yeah. Midnight. Midnight tonight? Mm-hmm. I don't know that even if I don't want it to adopt you.

That feels like we're past the point of no return. No, no, no, no. The, uh, doc, Dr. Bambini knows how to fast track the insurance. You have an adopt easy form there? Mm-hmm. Okay. Well, I mean, it does seem like the right thing to do.

Right? Yes. Yeah, I mean, I guess- And he does look marginally better. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I would say like, you know- Now, can I ask also, was the reason you were hiding under the table

because you're ashamed to come to Scott and ask this question? Because it feels like it's coming from a place of- That's coming from a real deep beta. A real deep beta. That's a deep beta. Yeah. Right, right. I guess I see the connection. I think that was a manifestation of the old me. Right.

Yes. I see. And you're trying to kill the old you. I want to kill the old me. Squash the old and inflate the new. I would love to see you, the new you wrestle with the old you. Oh. Like right now. Yeah. Like Greco-Roman just like oily and slippery. Okay. Greco, ohoman just like oily and slippery. Okay. Greco. Oh, I'm more traditional.

WWE. Look, I don't care about the traditional wrestling style. Like you start, you know, Olympic wrestling. Right. Down one guy on the all fours, the other guy behind him. Yeah. That's, that's what you're more into. Yeah.

Okay. The Greco-Roman I think is, uh, it's too, I think it's disrespectful. It's kind of old fashioned. Mm, I see. Uh, look, uh, I guess I'm at an age where we need to start taking care of our parents. Maybe that feels right.

It feels like the right thing. Even though while you were married to my mother, we basically had one meeting in passing where. And we will never forget it, will we? But, uh, you've been such a big part of the show here over the past 16 years. I mean, you and John, I bet. At least 12 timers, both of us.

Yeah, at least 12 timers. Yeah, I mean, you're right on the money, 12 timer, John. Well, sure, but I mean, you know, it's only one way up from there. By the way, John, John, you are, again, you're dripping with masculinity. It would do me a great service if you would just give me a little bit of your sweat, if I could take it back to the clinic. Yeah, Bob. Yeah, my god.

Maybe they could harvest this. You know what, here, have a lick. Oh my god. Wow, wow. You pumped up like the incredible Hulk. What do you think of that? That was unexpected. That was unexpected.

Bob, this is a whole new you. Look at that one peck just really. Yeah, it's throbbing. Bob, you better have another lick, I think, because you gotta eat it. Yeah, for the other side. There you go. We don't wannabing. Bob, you better have another lick, I think, because you got to, you got to even. Yeah, for the other side. There you go. Yeah, go even, you have to. Careful, we don't want to get too far.

Yeah, I don't want to go crazy on it, but it was just. It was a little. Life out of balance. Life out of balance, indeed. Yeah. Did you say Kiwanis-Kotsi? I did, yes. Oh, good. Good. Well, Bob, I, look, I'll sign off on the papers. Oh, so nice.

This is a new step for our relationship. I really do feel like it's great. Now, Bobby, you have to like, yeah. Let's not get- You're gonna have to obey me. Let's not get po-iscotsy a little too far over the edge. You're gonna have to honor thy father. Yes.

Which in this case now- Are you my father now? Would be Scott. That's what an adoption is. This is the happiest day of my life. And I gotta say the swolest. Yeah. Thank you. You're gonna have to do some chores to put me to work. I mean- You know what I gotta say, Scott? This is gonna open up a lot. Open up another chamber in your heart, because you have this, now you have a, you know, you've had a daughter for some time,

now you have a son, and a swole son who can do things like- And my daughter has wanted a brother. I mean, this is- Exactly. Yeah. Oh, this is gonna be amazing. He can break down boxes. Yes. He can take out the recycling.

So many things. Yeah. And he can do things like, I'm gonna have to do this, I'm gonna have to do this. I'm gonna have to do this. I'm gonna have to do this. I'm gonna have to do this. I'm gonna have to do this. I'm gonna have to do this. I'm daughter has wanted a brother. I mean, this is- Exactly. Oh, this is gonna be amazing. He can break down boxes.

Yes. He can take out the recycling boxes. Oh, let me out those boxes. He can trim the hedges. There's so many great things. Are you willing to scrub bathrooms, like scrub toilets? As long as you film it. Okay.

I don't quite- So we request- Do you have an OnlyFans page? I do. I do't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. for coming to me. Here, let me shake your hand. Oh, wow, Bob. Incredible. Holy cow, the grip strength alone. This is a brand new era for Bob Dooka. It is, it really is incredible. And again, if you could stop wasting time and get on this because I can feel myself diminishing.

I don't have few more hours until- Okay, look, I've signed the papers. I saw him do it, he filled it out online and he just needs the email address, I think you just press send. Press send? No, we gotta find a Kinko's. Oh, it's gotta go hard copy.

Yeah, she only works, yeah. I understand. You definitely want a paper trail, I think is the idea. Do Kinko's still exist? I do know where what is. Why does that not surprise me? All right, look, Bob, we need to take a break. This was lovely.

I gotta say, this was really surprising, lovely. It was really nice, a nice family reunion on Comedy Bang Bang. And I feel bad because speaking of cleaning toilets, our next guest, I've been keeping him on the line here, we're gonna have to take a break and come back with the person who works in custodial services. So Bob, can you stick around

or do you have to immediately go to this regimen? I can stick around. Okay. All right, we're gonna have to talk about your attitude, young man. We're going to come right back. We're going to have more Jon Hamm, more Bob Dookah, and a custodian. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back.

Jon Hamm is here. The show is Your friends and neighbors. And it comes out the day after wet day and August 11th. No, April 11th. Friday dry day. Friday dry day. We all know it comes out on Friday dry day. No more needs to be said.

We also have my son, Bob Duca is here. Thank you, dad. Ex-stepfather, current son. Current son. Yes. Now I noticed that you were eating during the break and you left a little bit of a mess on the table and I'm afraid that's a spanking, Bob.

Okay. Okay. Don't make me come to you. Come over here. Okay. All right, here we go. Ready? One, two.

Is that all you got? Give it to me good. Four, five, six. Give it to me. Come on you baby. Seven, eight. Come on, spank me like a man. Nine, ten.

One for each appearance on the show, 19. Oh boy, that really took it out of me. Honestly, that's harder on me than it is you because it's just a physical exertion. Yeah, you can tell. Scott's worked up a lather. Yeah, that's actually a me than it is you because it's just a physical exertion. Absolutely. You can tell. Scott's worked up a lather. Yeah, that's actually a pretty good workout too.

It brings a lot of blood to the different parts. Yeah, that's why I've always said, spanking your children is a great workout. Great workout. Yeah. Well, we have to get to our next guest. He is the aforementioned person who works in custodial services. Let's welcome him back to the show. It's Mike Ruby, the no-stank plumber.

How you doing Scott? Hi Mike. It's great to see you. I'm doing good. How are you? Have you ever met John Ham? Oh, Mr. Ham.

How are you? We have not met, but it's great. It's great not to smell you. I've done some work in your back house. Of course. Thank you. We haven't met, but I've met some. And you've seen his ads around the building.

Oh yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, no stank, no stank. Yeah, of course. I am of course Mike Ruby, the no stank plumber. I guarantee there will be no stank when I come and do plumbing in your house. What about after you leave? Do you guarantee anything? That I can't be a part, like I try. That's normally the problem. I talk to some of my lawyers.

I talk to some of my lawyers and I said like, can I guarantee after? It's the linger, really. The cranberries, in fact. The cranberry rule, but they said no, that if it lingers, that's not my problem. If it lingers, they can't point fingers. It's merely what you do,

this was all well covered on your first appearance on the show, is when you come, as opposed to most of the plumbers that you'll hire to come work on your house, they stink personally. They smell like shit. Because they're always covered in shit. Elbows deep in shit. They're covered in shit, their ass cracks are out,

they're wearing dirty overalls, it's nasty. But this guy, MOS. No stink, Scott, but I, Scott, I, as you know, plumbers have been under fire. I did not know that. Oh, you didn't know that. No, I have not heard about that. Oh, Scott.

The last plumber I heard about was that Joe, the plumber guy, remember him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good guy. I think Doge was getting- Great guy. Was really going after the plumbers too, right? Oh really? I haven't heard anything.

I'm not too worried about Doge. They could cut as much funding from the plumbing department as they want, but there's still going to be clogged toilets. There's still going to be shit. That's a great attitude. But no Scott, there is a serial killer that has been targeting plumbers around the city. What? Wow.

That's right Scott. I haven't heard about this. You haven't heard about this? No. It's the number one headline in all the newspapers. Wow. How do they rank headlines? I think it's the one that's on the front page. So whatever makes the front page top above the fold.

Second page, you're number two. Okay. Third page. Well, number two sounds like the guy that you might be looking for, right? Is that confusing to people when they're like- I don't like those kinds of jokes. I just want to say. Scott, this is serious.

I'm talking about my dead brother. Fair enough. Listen, sometimes when you get scared, you just make me... You make me... You try to laugh. We're nervous right now, because we're nervous for you. I'm nervous, we're terrified for you.

Scott. And you're a brethren. Hundreds of plumbers have been brutally murdered around the city. In what manner? Well, Scott, I'm here to raise awareness, Scott. Okay, well, we'll raise awareness by answering my fucking question. All right, I will.

There you go. I will raise awareness. Thank you, this is my son, Bob Dookup. Hi, Bob, how are you? I'm well. All right, Scott, well, the following list. What? Oh, boy.

This is a real list show. Realistical. The following list, of course, Scott, is of all the plumbers who have died in the city of Los Angeles and their cause of death, just to raise awareness, see if there are any clues out there, if people can figure this out. Of course, Scott, my good friend, toilet tank Hank. No, not TTH. He was thrown from a train right outside of Los Alamos.

Just like mama? Yeah. That's what everyone likes to say. It's a fun joke. Oh, they threw him from the train like mama. How do you know he was thrown from a train, not just fell off a train? Oh, well, the FBI was out there. They did some sort of forensics. It was a federal crime. It was federal because the train was just passing the California- Post office?

Post office. So then it was, of course, a federal crime. I the California. Post office? Post office, so then it was of course a federal crime. I love California's post office. That one post office that the whole state has. It's really beautiful, but unfortunately, toilet tank Hank died on this. Oh no. It's a shame. Of course, Dante from AAA Plumbers,

Dante is spelled D-A-N-T-A. Okay. I don't care, but okay. It's important. It's important. Because people need to know, you know, if you're gonna be looking for clues, what are you gonna put on the card, the obituary?

Of course his hand- I don't know that I'm reading Dante's obituary. You don't read all the obituaries at the end of the day, every night? It's fascinating to me, the people who, I posted an obituary about a year ago, and that it gained some notice, and people reached out to us.

Who are reading these things? A lot of people right before bed like to pull out the newspaper, go to the obituaries. And go like, hey, I might be coming to join you. Wow, this guy died. They call them bitchers. Bitchers.

Of course, Dante from AAA Plumbing is- We want a bitter, not a belly itcher. Sorry to interrupt your list, go ahead. This is very important, Scott. I'm so- Dante. Dante. Dante. Oh, he's the same Dante? Yeah, he's the same Dante.

We never got to his means of- His COD. His hang glider was sabotaged above the magic castle, Scott. He fell through the building and fucked up a magic trick, Scott. Wait, so they sabotaged his hang glider while it was in the air above the magic castle. I'm not sure how it was done, Scott. I'm gonna guess drones.

I think drones are involved. We have looked into some drone stuff, but we haven't found any evidence, Scott. I'm working very directly with the police on this. So not only did he ruin this man's life, literally. And his hang glider. Yeah, three things ruined, life, hang glider, and a magic trick. And the police officer. So not only did he ruin this man's life, literally. And his hang glider. Yeah, three things ruined, life, hang glider, and a magic trick. And the magic trick.

Did people assume it was part of the magic trick? A lot of people were like, oh, this is fun, the prestige. One of those fake messing up. Oh no. This dead body is gonna come to life and pull an ace out of his pocket. That did not happen, Scott. Is this your card?

That didn't happen. No. By the way, Jon just did pull out a card. It was my card. That was really crazy. He hadn't even pulled a card, but it happened to be his card. It was the 12 of spades. It says the property of Scott. Oh my God.

Yeah, I didn't know what card it was. Did you see that? His testosterone levels plummeted when he started doing close hand matching. Yeah, you gotta be careful with that. You gotta be careful. We have a meter on him right now, just to check him. It's a trick, a T meter.

Of course, Peter Pipes, plumbing professional. Oh no, I've seen his billboards. Yes, he'll plunge your poop up. He goes right to the source. He goes right to the source. So not so much the plumbing, but the interior plumbing. He likes to come to your butthole and do some preemptive work.

He takes care of stuff so that. And this guy too, No Stank? Well, that's something he advertised. You're the only No Stank. Okay. There's some other no stank plumbers, but he's all about being a plumbing professional. Of course, his macho was slowly poisoned with leather condition over a period of eight months, phantom thread style. Yeah, that's gotta be an inside job. It drove him mad, Scott.

Did he die or he's just been driven mad? It drove him mad. He was running up and down the streets of Franklin Boulevard here in Los Angeles and he was hit by Danny Masterson's car, Scott. What? Wow. Was Danny Masterson- He clearly wasn't driving. Yeah, I don't think he was driving. No, I think it was his, someone had borrowed his car and they were driving from the- If I was going away to the big house, I'd load my car out.

We lend it to whoever comes around. What are you going to do with it? Yeah. Probably a GMI or a VC. He's not driving that thing. What's he doing with a Chevy Volt at this point? Yeah. Of course, sent free Robert Gentry. Do you have to sigh before every entry? I know it's sad. It's sad, Scott.

We can stipulate it's sad. I've been, I'm trying not to cry while I read these. How far apart are these deaths? A couple of them were in the same day. Oh, God. Oh, wow. Same day as- So it really is an epidemic. This is almost like John Hamm's appearances on Comedy Bang Bang.

It's insane. Sometimes they're close together. Sometimes they're close for a while and then the years will go to pot. Of course. God damn it. This is really, like, try to pep this up, okay? The heavy sighing. Scent-free Robert Gentry. What? Scent-free Robert Gentry. I can only imagine there was a bit of competition between you two. Yeah, we were of course competitors, but we learned to become brothers. Wow. He was trapped. Damn it. Now that I have become attuned to it, it is bugging me to no end. I'll try not to cry Scott, but I've just been crying for weeks and weeks.

I know this is your way into what's happening too. A lot like this other guy knows his way of saying Scott is his way. Anyway, go ahead. Sometimes you need to ground yourself, Scott. I understand. Well, St. Free Robert Gentry was strappedpped to a watermelon slowly drowned over a period of eight months No, oh no, so he went around and around Because being strapped to a watermelon

Probably not gonna drown you that'd be pretty fun to be honest I don't say it's not that different from being pregnant from what I hear or or just carrying a watermelon Yeah, exactly. Oh, that would be fun. Strap a watermelon to your stomach and pretend you're pregnant. Yeah, I think that's the new Amy Schumer movie. Isn't it? I don't know.

I don't know whether it's a watermelon. It sounds like a great movie. Yeah. But Scott, I won't sigh before I say, Jake Alcott, the human ballcock. The human ball what? Ballcock. A ballcock, Scott.

It's a plumbing reference. It's the inflatable ball that's in the top of your toilet tank to. Is it weird that like. It's a ballcock. All right. Hey. Come on. Hey, young man.

I'm sorry. I'm not gonna say this again. I would say that too. Don't sass me. Watch your tone. Isn't it insane though that like, we've invented so many things, like iPhones exist and everything,

and there's still like an inflatable ball in our toilet. It's like, come on, get it. Well, Scott, it is absolutely a part of my profession, and I take what you just say personally. I take your part. But of course, the human ballcock, someone cut his brakes and he was driving and barreled straight into a fireworks factory, Scott. That's tough. That is not.

Really tough. I wonder if they knew that that would happen. Yeah, yeah. None of the fireworks went off. Oh, Scott. That's tough. That is not. Really tough. I wonder if they knew that that would happen. Yeah, yeah. None of the fireworks went off. Oh, okay. But it just crashed into a wall? He just crashed into a wall, died, went through his witch. Oh, terrible.

No, I'm sighing. And you know what he, and the saddest part about it is he loved fireworks. He would have loved for some to go off. But no, he just like crashed it into the wall. He's staring at unlit fireworks. Brain all over the place. Wow. Somebody cut, and's staring at unlit fireworks. Brain all over the place. Wow.

And somebody cut his break, Scott. So we're thinking maybe this is all the same person. I think they're all connected. Yeah, yeah. Because there is a note being left at the scene of every crime. Oh, you didn't say that. Oh, I haven't talked about that?

No, what's the note? There's a note that says, "'Death to all plumbers, you started the Los Angeles fires. Each note says that? Each note, it kind of says that exactly right. Seems like a real missed opportunity for such a creative serial killer. Or maybe this is someone who's been to a Kinko's recently.

Oh, they just wrote it once and then made a bunch of copies of it? Yeah, I'm looking at you, Bob. Let's go to Century City. I mean, City of Industry. That's where the Kinko's. Either one is equally as far. City of industry.

Frankie Flush, may he rest in peace, was a previous guest on your show, Scott. Is he the one that got embarrassed a lot? Frankie Flush was constantly blushing. He was lured to medieval times with a story about an unplungable toilet. Legends said that you could plunge the unplungable pipes and be made king of all shit and piss.

It was a ruse and he was put to the wrench. The wrench? Yeah, he was put to the wrench. What does that mean? That's in the stockades or what? Yeah, it's kind of a sort of, you know. Medieval torture device? Yeah, it's like they lay him down,

they put his head on a thing leaning over, then they put a wrench around his neck and they just wrench it around till it pops out. Yikes. This is terrible. Really tough stuff. Of course, Punani, the porcelain princess, she was drowned, driving through a car wash, Scott.

No. That's right. Wow. How did they do it? Did she leave her window slightly open? The convertible was set to open in the car wash. No. And all those- It was on a timer? It was on a timer, and of course, all those little flappy dryer things windows slightly open? The convertible was set to open in the car wash. No.

It was on a timer? It was on a timer. And of course, all those little flappy dryer things slapped her in the face until she died. Oh, that's how she died. Yeah. Okay. So it wasn't drowning. It wasn't drowning.

You know what? I did say she drowned. That's not correct. That was what the police first thought. She's got slapped by the flappy things. Yeah, the slappy things. Your story keeps changing. Poor Punani, I must say.

The size or not. The size, coming in heavy or not. Of course, little Turd, the canine mascot for the clog dogs, was drawn in quarters. You don't know little Turd, Scott? They have a mascot? He's the canine mascot to the clog dogs. Okay, I don't even, no further questions, just keep going.

You don't want me to get it? Overruled, I wanna hear this. Of course he was a little dog covered in shit and he would pop out of a toilet and he said, I unclogged it and I'm a dog. It was a bad commercial. Yeah, this doesn't make any sense to me. It was a bad commercial, but no, he was drawn and quartered

and cooked up to look like a rotisserie chicken. No. And then Michael Klagowski, of course, the owner of clogs and dogs, ate his own dog and didn't even know it. Ew. No. That's rough. It's really tough stuff, Scott.

What did he think he was eating? A rotisserie chicken. Oh, it's the same, okay. Yeah, it looked exactly like a rotisserie chicken. I mean, I can see the resemblance I got. I guess so, yeah, see the resemblance. I guess so. Yeah. Cut off the head. Except the covered in shit part might be. The covered in shit. That was tough. Joe and Jill Dump Rug, the husband and wife owners of Flush Flush Give Me Yo-Yo.

They, of course, clean people's toilets and only charge people with, toilets and only charged people with, I'm sorry, Scott. What are you talking about? They would clean someone's toilet and charge what? They would clean their toilet and then they would say, hey, please, we only accept yo-yos or yay-o. So either yay-o, which is pot, right? No, yay-o is cocaine. Oh, it's cocaine, I'm sorry.

That's right. First you get the money. Then you get the power. Then you get the power. Then you get's right. First you get the money. Then you get the power. Then you get the power. Then you get the women. Then you get the A.O. And that's only if you have the A.O. Okay, got it, got it, got it, got it.

I forgot the steps. Like that famous Cuban actor, Robert Lohgia. Oh, that's right, yes. Once said. One said. Of course this happened. God damn it, stop with the sign. Try to say these cheerfully.

He might be, maybe the serial killer got to you. I gotta say, and I'm new to a lot of this. Yes. A lot of this. Not new to this, but I'm new to this. Yes. You know an awful lot about these murders. Oh, well I'm working very closely with the police and the FBI, Jon.

Are you thinking that I somehow am responsible for this? I think the first person. It's taking out all of your competition. Right? And the first person they look at, somebody close to everybody. That's right, someone close. That's not the case.

I don't know, Bob. Scott, Bob, I think I'm looking at a guy with a lot of information. And I'm starting to smell something. Do you think I- Not so fresh. Yeah, you're the no-stank plumber and suddenly we smell a rat. Do you think I killed Not so fresh. Yeah, you're the no-stank plumber and suddenly we smell a rat.

Do you think I killed Joe and Jill plunging them to death? They didn't get up that hill by themselves. How do you know about the hill? Cause I didn't say anything about the hill, Mr. Hamm. I believe- Wait a minute, how do you know about the hill? How do you know he didn't know about the hill? I think we all know that Joe and Jill

have to go up that hill to fetch that pail of water that they need to unclog the toilet. Yes. Come on. Sigh. Brad and Barry, the bidet boys, of course, they were drugged and woke up. So you're now sighing in the middle. Yeah, sometimes it's hard. They were both drugged and woke up in a bank with guns duct taped to their arms. And after a long standoff with the police, they were shot and killed by

the negotiators. And that the negotiator shot them. The negotiator was like, I'm tired of talking to you. Terrible. Terrible at his job. That's bad ass. That's some tough stuff.

Bad negotiating is what it is. Here's my final offer. Hours and hours of building up trust. My first and final offer. Here's your pizza. Here's your ex-wife, and here's your ticket to hell. I'm glad you guys could joke about this. It's very funny for you.

And of course- We're trying to do something to pep up this segment, which is just being laden down by all of your slang. Let me sigh out, Mike. I can still hear it. And of course, Thor, the god of plunger- The windows are steaming up in here with all this sighing. Thor, the god of plunger. Winters are steaming up in here with all this. Thor, the god of plunger was shot in the head, point blank rage.

Oh, okay. That's not as bad as the other ones. No, I mean, that's not as bad. Thank goodness. That's a quick death. That's quick. Yeah. Oh, so you like shooting people in the head.

Is that right, Scott? Does he wear a helmet with little wings on it too? Yeah, really? Yeah. Or does it have little plungers on it? They have little plungers on it. That makes sense. So Scott, you know, we're under fire right now, Scott. I don't know what to do.

This is terrible. Do you think you're next? Well, I know I'm next because I'm the only plumber left in the city of Los Angeles, Scott. Oh, I wondered because I've had a clogged toilet for the last three weeks. Well, Scott, I'm out here. I'm persevering. I'm in the face of fear. I'm continuing to do my job, Scott. And of course, I'm going through my 11 step process of cleaning anyone's... Did you bring another list? The following...

Can you... I'll let you read the list. I don't have to sigh through this one. Okay, this one is not as sad. So this one you can do cheerfully, okay? Can I interject here? If everybody else is dead, your business must be booming. It is booming. I'm doing very well. But I'm very? If everybody else dead, your business must be booming.

It is booming. I'm doing very well, but I'm very scared. I'd also like to offer the observation that maybe this guy leaving these notes is not, is onto something because ever since all these deaths have been happening, no fires. That's exactly what I- Why do they think plumbers cause the fires? I think there was something to do with like the water pressure and the palisades. I don't remember, but it was not- Interesting. with the water pressure and the palisades, I don't remember, but it was not. Interesting. Scott, of course.

I know Billy Joel. He didn't start the fire. And he made that clear years and years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He got way out ahead of it. He has an airtight alibi. Airtight. You know what, I'm gonna make a song that's like,

I didn't kill that guy. Yeah, if O.J. had done that. Oh, if he had had a fun disco hit in the 80s. Just get into the studio. I didn't kill a waiter. Well, Scott, you know, of course, I have an 11 step process of cleaning anyone's toilet and I've had to make some changes based on the serial. That's right.

We've read these 11 steps before, but you've made some changes now. Of course, step one, Scott, receive the call. That one is not changed. It has changed slightly because when I pick up the phone call, I pretend to be someone else until I'm sure it's a customer. Oh, okay. Yeah. And not the murderer.

And not the murderer. Before you used to do it Lady Ghostbusters style, you would answer the call. Yes. Answer the call and I'm ready to go. But now I pick up the phone and I'm like, hello, it's me, Myrtle. And I kind of do a whole thing. I wait. This is good.

So you do a little character work. I do a little character work. Always fun. They hire me. They tell me that they need to have the toilet cleaned. Now, of course, step two, I proudly take a shower, Scott. Yes. This is proudly, proudly. This is in order to wash off any stank. I don't want to be stinking. My guarantee is very important to me. But now with a serial kill out there, I do stand in the shower with

a dead man switch. And if anyone opens my shower curtain, like in the movie Psycho, I will let it go and my house will blow up. I mean, better safe than sorry. Yeah. It's, I've worked on it. I mean, it's the best way to take a shower these days, so I do have a dead band switch. Do you have a spouse or a.

No, no, no. Okay. No, no, I live alone. Now, of course, step three, I drive to the house. Okay. Now on my way. By the way, Jon and Bob, his 11 steps go very into detail. Uh-huh. Okay. So, it's like we're not leaving any step.

Okay. This is why I did that. Listen, I'm glad. I'm very glad that it's happening. I think you should consider hypertext. Sure. That's not a bad idea. So, of course, I drive to the house. I make a lot of left turns, right turns. Trying to lose anyone who might be- Trying to lose anyone.... shake the tail. And let me tell you what, if you were able to pull me off the road and try to pull me out of left turns, right turns. Trying to lose anyone who might be assuming. Trying to lose anyone. Shake the tail. And let me tell you what, if you were able to like pull me off the road and try to pull me out of the car,

guess what? I'm not in there. I was in another car. You're in a decoy. That's right. So I do send a decoy and it's a very long part of the process. That's not an official step. It's a sub step.

Is it like a Waymo? It is a Waymo. It's a driverless car. Smart. Waymo by the way is doing such wonders for decoys. Oh yeah. Oh it's the best. It's Waymo. You don't have to hire a guy. No, you just put a dummy in the. Smart. Waymo by the way is doing such wonders for decoys. Oh yeah. Oh, it's the best. It's Waymo.

You don't have to hire a guy. No, you just put a dummy in the front of a Waymo. Yeah. Waymo easier than a local. It's Waymo easy. That's really good. You should do commercials. You gotta do a commercial for them

and then you'll get a free ride somewhere. Now of course, step four, I get out of the car. Now this is a big step Scott. Huge. It's a big step. I didn't hear you park or turn off. No, no, no. I get out of the car. Now this is a big step Scott. Huge. It's a big step. I didn't hear you park or turn off. No, no, no. I get out of the car. Car's still rolling. You're jumping out. Car's still rolling. You're jumping out. Very clearly.

I slow it down to a roll. I tuck. That's not a step. Okay, it's not a step. But I tuck and I just jump, I roll out of the car. And then now with the serial killer out there, I get up, I announce myself to the neighborhood. I say, hey, it's me. it's Mike Ruby, I'm here. I'm ready to do some plumbing. I sound off a bear horn a little bit just to get people's attention. And that step has been, it's similar,

but a little bit different, Scott. Sure. I don't recall what the other steps were. No, you don't remember upon arrival, I asked the people to point me in the direction of the stand. That's right. Okay. I do remember that.

But now Scott, before I do that, I make sure that they sign an NDA. Okay. So this is what step? This is step five. I'm inside the house. They sign an NDA. Okay. And I say, Hey, you can't say anything about the work I'm doing in this house.

You can't even say that I did plumbing on your house. Because you don't want anyone tracking your assassination coordinates. I mean, look, I did announce myself outside the house, but now that I'm inside, I don't want anyone to know what's going on. Now, of course, step six, once they've pointed me in the direction of the stank, I follow. Wait, so you've eliminated that step. No, no, no. That is the step.

They sign an NDA and then they point me in the direction. This is two steps. And you can't follow your nose to this tank. You need to be... Now, like I said, step six, this has always been the case. I float off the ground like Pepe Le Pew and I do follow my... Oh, that's nice. That's nice.

But before I make my way to the bathroom, I do pull out my gun and I sweep the house. So you're levitating. I'm levitating. And you're sweeping that. I'm holding a gun. I'm peeking around corners, I'm going clear, clear, you know, that kind of thing. I'm shooting out any windows so people can't see.

This is all Pepe Le Pew style. This is all Pepe Le Pew style, and it's for my own safety, Scott. Now, since you are levitating, when you shoot the windows out, does the equal and opposite reaction says you've gotta push backwards? A lot of times I'll shoot and I'll just go whee

and just go right out the front door. It's very hard, but I have to do it. It's the only way to keep myself safe, Scott. That's fair. Okay. Now, of course, step seven, I'm in the bathroom. I will lock myself into the bathroom, Scott. Okay. This is where I close my eyes and take a load off because I'm safe, Scott. You're finally in your happy place. I can finally relax.

Yes. So, of course, this is my meditation step. Have you cleared the bathroom though at this point? No, no, no. I don't even want to see what's in there. So my eyes are closed when I walk in. So someone could be in the bathtub behind the curtain. This is really good. Let me write this down. Aspepula P. That's right. It would not be where you go toward the plumber's table. Here's how I would do it. I would wash my hands because obviously you're getting ready to do something. Okay. How dare you? And you would look in the bathroom mirror. You would open the mirror just to in the, in the bathroom mirror, you'd open the

mirror just to check and see if there's anything in there. It's a false front. You never know. Yeah. There could be like a big, there could be a candyman style hole in, you know, behind the mirror. Exactly. Or the guy, the, the, the, yes, exactly.

Yeah. So I'm hiding in the walls. Uh, uh, you know, uh, what's that guy's name? B and D or something. Yeah. Well, who, who hit in the walls in that one movie? Bad Ronald. Thank you, Bob.

I mean, I don't know. Maybe it's Kool-Aid man. You never know someone could come through a wall. Exactly. Boy, when you close that, you close that medicine cabinet mirror, watch out. Cause there's usually someone behind. Usually someone's right, a little jump scare. This is why I don't touch the medicine cabinet mirror. It gives the killer an opportunity to sneak up behind you. Jump scare. So I don't do that. Of course I shoot out the mirror so that there are no mirrors in the house. Okay, sure. I do my meditation.

Now, of course, step eight, I'm going to do a meditation. I'm going to do a meditation. I'm going to do a meditation. I'm going to do a meditation. I'm going to do a meditation. I'm going to do a meditation. I'm going to do a meditation. I'm going to do a meditation.

I'm going to do a meditation. I'm going to do a meditation. I'm going to do a meditation. I'm going to do a meditation. I'm going to do a meditation. I'm going to do a meditation. I'm going to do a meditation. So I don't do that. Of course I shoot out the mirror so that there are no mirrors allowed. Okay, sure. Okay. And I do my meditation. Now, of course, step eight, classic Scott,

I will disassociate. Yes, of course. Because the, the, the idea of shit and piss is so disgusting to me that in order for me to clean it, I have to be in a complete fugue state. Sure. So I disassociate. Step nine, I hit my head on the sink.

Right. Before you've cleaned it, I can't remember. No, no, no. I haven't cleaned anything. You haven't cleaned anything. You're in the fugue state. Sure. So I disassociate step nine. I hit my head on the sink. Right. Before you've cleaned it, I can't remember. No, no, no. I haven't cleaned anything. You haven't cleaned anything. You're in the fugue state. You hit your head on the sink. I hit my head on the sink. Is this because you've lost consciousness or is this on purpose? I have lost consciousness. The blood has rushed away from my brain. Right. I hit my head on the sink. Step 10, I wake up and hope the bathroom is clean. Right. And if it's not- If it's not, step 11, I burn the house to the ground. Right, yes. This is the Mike Ruby promise.

Wait, I burn the house to the ground. Hmm. Maybe I did start the California fires. I was gonna say, because you've talked about burning so many houses down to the ground. Yeah, I do a lot of work in the Pacific Palisades and Altadena.

Why those two neighborhoods exclusively? They're so far apart. The pipes are nasty. The pipes are nasty in these places. Oh, they have bad pipes. They have bad pipes. I've heard that about the Palisades. Oh, they got bad pipes.

Palisades, rough pipes. Rough pipes. Rough pipes. So I guess I might be responsible for the, huh. So anyways, those are my 11 steps. Anyway, wait a minute, this was hundreds of millions of dollars in damage and lives ruined.

Don't beat yourself up. Thank you, Bob. Don't beat, come on. I don't wanna, I'm not here. I mean, yes, we all make mistakes. We all make mistakes. We all make mistakes. That doesn't mean I should be the target

of a serial killer, Scott. It also seems like a lot of your contemporaries are dying when it's your fault. That can't be traced. Well, no, when you think about it. It could be, you've just said it on Mike as well. You kind of just did it. You admitted it.

Oh my God, he admitted it. He did start the fire. Yes, anti Billy Joel. It wasn't always burning since the world's been turned. Every single line in that is the opposite. He did stuff for me. Yeah, so what are the lyrics? It wasn't always burning.

I know Marilyn Monroe is in there, but I don't know what the opposite of that is. What's the opposite of chubby checker? Skinny chest? Oh my God. There's gotta be a singer named Skinny Chest. That'd be really good. Scott, well, you know, damn, well, I'm sorry that's happening to my fellow plumbers out there, but.

Yeah, it should be happening to you. Honestly, I think you should go to the media, as they said in the movie, Arthur, alert the media. Alert the media. You think I should alert the media, Scott? I do. Take the heat off your fellow plumbers. I've got so many plumbing appointments. I don't know if I can do that, Scott.

I guess you are sitting pretty here. I'm sitting pretty. I've got a throne made of gold, and that throne is, of course, a toilet. Of course. This is tough, Scott. I guess you are sitting pretty here. I'm sitting pretty. I've got a throne made of gold and that throne is of course a toilet. Of course. This is tough, Scott. So now you're sighing. Well now- Out of exasperation. These are sighs of regret because I've realized I put my fellow plumber in danger, Scott. Well not anymore. One emotional state. They're dead. They're out of danger.

Yeah. You're worried I have one emotional state? One emotional state and it's just sighing. Oh my God, you should see me when I'm jerking off. I have a question. I have a question. Yes, Bob. Is there shit and piss in plumber heaven? Oh God. I really hope so, Scott. You know, of course I'm- This is Bob. Who? Oh, Bob. Sorry. My son.

I thought he was Scott Jr. Papa, let him answer me, please. I need my independence, man. was Scott Jr. Papa, let him answer me, please. I need my independence, man. I really hope there is, of course. I'm a plumber Catholic, of course. What does that mean? I believe in the Holy Trinity, Scott, shit, piss and puke. And I'm really hoping that those three things are there to greet me at the oily gates. And gosh, but you know what? I don't want to die. So I'm not trying to think about that thing. I'm trying to live. You might not. And in fact, I bet all four of us never do.

I think just because having gone through this, that grants us limited immortality. Yeah, I think so. You did a good thing today. Yeah. Oh, and I'm at the clinic. I'm going to get as close to immortality. He's got some- Some medical- A couple of lists that he could probably go'm going to get as close to immortality. He's got some- Some medical- A couple of lists that he could probably go through to tell you how to achieve immortality. And you have a TV show coming out.

I've got a show coming out, so I can't die. So you can't, yeah. I just can't. We have the premiere, you have SNL. And this is the only plumber left. I can't be killed because if that does happen, the streets of LA will just be, I hate to say it, Scott, covered in shit.

Wow. Overflowing. Well look, Mike, I'm sure nothing's gonna happen to you before the end of the show, and whoever has been Xeroxing these notes at the Kinkos is probably not gonna come in here and do anything to you, and this certainly wasn't an elaborate trap. No, the doors are locked, right?

Uh, I don't know, yeah, maybe, but. They're never locked. We are running out of time. We really only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called Plugs. That's a. Didn't end with the fart noise. What is going on? That's a touch delivered. That was Plog Rock by Dan Tastique.

Thank you to DanTastique. If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs. You can upload it there and you can be famous for a week. And DanTastique, you are famous for a week. Absolutely. What are we plugging here? John, obviously you have a show coming out.

I have a show coming out the day after wet day, Friday, dry day. It's called Your Friends and Neighbors, April 11th, Apple TV Plus, first two episodes dropping, then one a week. One a week until. Until they're done. How many are we talking? Nine in season one,

we'll be commencing shooting season two the following week. It's very exciting, it's shot in New York, New York, upstate New York. Wow. The luxury oozes off the screen. Why only nine here? Like if you, to get to 93, you're gonna have to do 10 and a half years of this?

Hey, your lips to God's ear, Scott. That would be nice, wouldn't it? Yes indeed, thank you very much. I'm gonna miss you when you're gone though. Listen, I'm not going anywhere. We hate to lose our LA actors. We like them here, right here in our hometown, but if you have to move to New York

for a little while for a TV show, we understand. Hey, you know what they're shooting here in Los Angeles, Scott, a little show called The Morning Show. Hey! Why can't two things be true? Oh man, I think it's a pretty big show. Like Colossus, I straddled the country one foot on either coast.

All right, Bob, Duca, do you have anything you wanna plug? I wanna plug an appearance on one of those Turkish hair transplant planes. Sure. Plug some plugs. Do you have anything you wanna plug? I wanna plug an appearance on one of those Turkish hair transplant planes. Sure. Plug some plugs. Plug some plugs.

Okay. And also, me and my papa are going to a baseball game. I don't know that I have time to. We're going to Santa Monica Boardwalk. Why all the way out to the park? We're gonna go to a monster truck rally. All right, I'm slightly interested in that. And we're gonna learn to swim.

You don't know how to swim or I don't know how to swim? I don't know how to swim. Do you know how to swim? I don't know how to swim either. We can both just kind of flail around if you want. Okay. Okay, great. Nothing else to plug?

Oh, I'll plug my friend's show, Dinosaur at Largo at the Coronet once a month. Sure, is there a podcast maybe that you might wanna plug? Sure, it's called College Town. I was getting there, I'm getting there. Come on, dad. If you don't plug your podcast, you're gonna get a spanking, young man.

Fine, it's called College Town, it's comedy, bang bang world. Are you happy now? Yes, I'm happy. Go straight up to your room. I'm getting my belly button pierced. Oh no. Mike Ruby, anything you want to plug? Well, of course I'll be singing Man and Me by Bob Dylan at Punani, the porcelain princess's funeral this Sunday. Yeah. Of course-

It's the least you could do. It's the least I could do. I listen to this podcast called Scott Hasn't Seen. Oh, yeah, I'm on that. That's me. Oh, that's you? You're the Scott. Interesting. Yeah, we watch movies. Is it about keys and sunglasses and stuff? No, it's not about finding the things I've misplaced.

So you're a deranged human being, is that right? Yes. And we, by the way, just wrapped up month month. That was really clever. Yeah, where every movie that we watched had a month in the title. Yeah. And of course it was difficult for the hosts to figure out which movies to do, but- We finally figured out March of the Penguins at the end and we were very happy that it didn't. A little bit of a stretch, but hey, guess what? It takes place over a month. That's right. Yeah. And I've got a- More like four. I plunge the toilet of this really funny improviser named Sean Distin.

He does this show at UCB third Wednesday of the month. It's called Two is the Magic Number with Devin Field. You can buy live stream tickets for that at ucbtheatre.com. Oh yeah, they just did one maybe a couple weeks ago. You don't even have to go. You don't even have to go. You don't even have to go. You can buy a ticket. You don't have to stand in line. You don't have to breathe. Other people's there.

Sit there in your own house, jerk it off while you watch it. You just livestream this shit. If you want to watch this guy, Sean Distant, improvise a jerk off while you do it, he's all for it. He wants this. He actually likes that. Hey, that camera don't go both ways. Well, that's it, Scott. That's all I've got to say. All right. I want to plug, hey, we mentioned College Town over on CBB World. We have so many great shows.

We mentioned Scott Hasn't Seen. We also have The Neighborhood Listen over there. We have CBB Presents, like, hey, Randy. Bob, you had a show on there for a while, and you keep threatening to come out with another episode for now a year and a half. I would love to. It's not in my hands at this point. It's not in your...

Whose hands could they possibly be in? The editor. Oh, I see. So everything's recorded? Yes. Oh, okay. Well, maybe that'll come out very soon then. You never wanna blame below the line.

Yeah, come on. You know, that's always. I'm better than that. Yeah, you are. It's a poor craftsman that's laid these tools. It's not an alpha move, I gotta be honest. Did you see the way he was looking at me though? I felt so. Yeah, disappointed.

Disappointed, yeah. No, I get it, I get it. But we have so many great shows over there, plus the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang, every single episode we've ever recorded, ad-free. Oh, 909. That's right. Scott, do you? As well as every live episode we've ever done,

hundreds of those. Do you sell any funny T-shirts? Yeah, we have a great T-shirt that Jack Quaid and my co-host of Scott Hasn't Seen Spray the Whisperer. Dennis' boy? Yeah, Dennis' boy? Yeah, Dennis' boy, yeah. We all came up with a T-shirt that has Godzilla on it

holding a pizza and it says green things like me, like round things like this. And this is a shirt that has unprecedented engagement with our fan base. Weirdly enough, it is the most popular thing I've ever been involved with. People are taking pictures of it like Angkor Wat all over the world,

said I brought my shirt to Thailand in a weird way. Really crazy. Anyway, you can get all of that over at CBB World. All right. Let's close up the old plug bag. Open the blood bag with me, dude Open the blood bag with me, dude Just please don't close it and be rude Please don't close it and be rude You got it Open the blood bag with me, dude

Open the blood bag with me, dude. Just please don't close with me, dude. Please don't close with me, dude. All right, that was Open the Plug Back with Me, Dude by William Byrne, thanks to William Byrne. Deep burn. I want to thank everyone here at this table. John, always great to have you.

Thank you for having me. Your 12th appearance. The dirty does. I love that. And good luck with the show. Thank you. And many hamburgers to you as well. Thank you very much for the hamburgers.

And Bob. Hey, Pop, can I borrow the keys to the car? No, you can't. Me and some of my bros are going gonna go hang out by the quarry. Okay, no. Come on. No, Bob. We'll be we'll be talking about your privileges As soon as the show is over and then Mike Ruby I'm so sorry to hear that you're the target of I'm trying not to sigh some deranged lunatic who hangs out at a Kinko's all the time Scott I just got word. Oh God. What's going on?

My my good friend. no stench, Wayne Wrench, was folded up in a suitcase and mailed to Abu Dhabi Scott. Top secret style? He was killed top secret style. That'd be expensive to mail a suitcase. It was very expensive. I'm glad you guys are having fun with this. This is just kind of the hardest time of my life right now. Did it, when it got there, did it have like a bunch of

bug bunny steamer trunk stickers? It had gone through Albuquerque. It had gone through many stocks. Wow. But it's fine. I'm still alive, Scott, and I will live forever. And that's not gonna change. Sure, yeah, of course.

Assuming that this entire podcast wasn't a trap for a deranged lunatic too. M. Night Shyamalan? What the hell is M. Night Shyamalan doing? Who let M. Night Shyamalan in here? Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Next time, thanks, bye!