Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Jonah Ray, Zac Oyama, Ego Nwodim, Heather Anne Campbell

Episode Date: May 9, 2022

Friend of the show Jonah Ray (Mystery Science Theater 3000) joins Scott for the first ever in-depth Comedy Bang! Bang! interview! Then, falconer Tim Bullock stops by to talk about his missing falcon. Later, attorney Bathina Salts drops by to talk about being a failed divorce attorney. Plus, water ghost Cynthia Blake visits the studio in hopes of solving her murder.

Red and Yellow, Kill-a-fellow, Red and Black, screw you Jack, if you were really my friend you stop giving me all these snakes, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, thank you so much Nells for Smells for that wonderful catchphrase submission, that's the first time we've heard from Nells for Smells I believe and always glad to hear from new catchphrase submitters especially in our 14th year and this is the beginning of our 14th year, we're breaking off not another hundo but another anno here for Comedy Bang Bang, a pleasure to be your podcast, your weekly podcast for low these many years and we have a really good show today, my name is Scott Ackerman by the way, I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang, if this

is your first time, welcome, if this is your last time, don't let the door hit you, see you later, you may as well turn it off right now but we have a really good show coming up a little later, we have someone in the apiary industry as well as someone else I think, I don't have that info, Devin, my producer, I need all this info on my whiteboard here when I walk in, I don't have any info, okay well, we're gonna do something a little bit different coming up here on our 14th year, I decided that I wanted to get a little more in depth with our celebrity guests, we are back in the studio, we can have a celebrity guest back in, I'm not in my backyard anymore where I was reliant upon the kindness of strangers

who were passing by, people in my neighborhood, we have a big celebrity guest here today and I want to do what I'm gonna call the Comedy Bang Bang interview, this is where we break it down, we get in depth a little bit with our guest and who better to have for our very first edition of the Comedy Bang Bang interview but an old friend, he's been on the show probably the entire 14 or 13 years, I wonder if he ever came in and the, ooh that's a good question for the interview, did you ever come in in our first year when we were at the radio station, I gotta file that away, he is one of the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000, a new season of which has debuted upon wherever it is, I don't know, it used to be on Netflix, but

this is a good question for the interview too, but a new season of which just debuted on Friday, it's our pleasure to have him back, please welcome back Joan Array. Hi, hi Scott, thank you so much for having me, I can't believe I get to be like in this inaugural segment, it's exciting isn't it, we've known each other nearly 20 years and so I mean I feel like I know everything there is to know about you but we're gonna get in deep here, yeah I mean I don't think there's anybody better than you to like you know you see me grow up, I basically did I mean I I grew to know you as a 21 year old, I was 20 years old when we met, 20 years old, wow and now here we are, I'll be 40 in August, yeah

a couple of decades later, so you know everything about me so I'm sure this is gonna be more in depth than you know, yeah totally yeah, so Joan, when when did the show come out and how many episodes was it, it came out this just this past Friday, May 6th and there's like three episodes available now and then like there will be 14 and or 12 in total, and it's on what network because I was unsure about that, it's actually being independently distributed through the Gizmoplex, there's an MSD 3k app you can put on any of the you devices and you can watch old episodes, you can stream these new episodes that will have live premieres and you can watch along with people and kind of you know watch it as it

happens live and chat with the people in the rooms and stuff like that, so it's gonna be on a place called the Gizmoplex, huh yeah and that's it's pretty much it like for you know the new platform and the episodes and stuff like that, it was really fun, it was really fun it's fun, yeah okay, huh, yeah, um fuck, I making them was it was good, yeah, no, it was really good, yeah, no, it was a lot of fun, you know, we didn't have, you know, people from Netflix, you know, kind of having to chime in on things, yeah, I gotta admit, I'm out of questions, okay, so just the one, yeah, 20, 20 years though, Scott, I mean, what am I gonna ask you, I,

I mean, did you wait, I'm sorry, like, did you ask me if when it comes out, yeah, I think it was you said it was the sixth, yeah, no, it may six or yeah, just just came out and then there was the number of episodes as well, yeah, we yeah, those are those are those I had those written down right here, yeah, when to come out number of episodes, that's all I'm really interested in, I mean, is this you've known I've been coming in for days, I just wasn't, is this the second is this is the company, it took me it took me like three days to think of those, yeah, and then suddenly I got to say I was in the shower and it just like popped in my head, I was like, oh, I got some I want to ask Jonah, like, honestly, I had nothing were you when you

were booked and I was like, what am I going to talk to this guy about Jesus, Scott, were you at least hoping that it would turn into like you like ask like that would be the icebreaker and then we start talking about more stuff, I mean, I look you've been doing there's an icebreaker it when it came to the Titanic, that icebreaker made suddenly the ship sank. So no, I mean, like there's nothing after an icebreaker, the ship just like goes down and you know, people are playing and they're rearranging deck chairs and you know, to be that's an amazing outlook on this. But I feel that maybe you could even ask, you know, like what movies we did on it? Did you want to ask any movies you did? Why? What's this? What do you mean you did

movies? It's a TV show. Yes, but we watch movies and we do. Yeah, yeah, we like make jokes over them talk as the characters make jokes over movie people work hard on those. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of rude. It's a bit. It's a bit rude, but we do it with you. Yeah, yeah, it's a bit. But also insulting. No, no, we don't, you know, insulting to the creators of the movies. Certainly we dance with the movies and we give them an audience that they wouldn't normally have. What do you mean? They came out and they had that audience. I mean, a lot of people haven't heard of these things. They got lost in time. I mean, this is becoming very combative. And I was thinking, I don't think so. Is this the plan the whole time for the kind of interviews? No,

I thought we would go into a podcast. I thought that maybe I would ask these questions and suddenly you would like questions used like it was one. It's a two part question at the very least. 14 years. Do I have to be a fake person for you to be able to think of more questions to ask me? We don't do fake people on this show. We have real people. Jonah Hill is here. Is that your name? No, it's Ray. 20 years. Jonah Ray. Jonah Ray is here. The Comedy Bang Baner interview. Thank you so much for being here. Is that the entire interview? That's pretty much it. I don't have anything else, unfortunately, but we do have to get to our next guest. 14 years. He is in the apiary industry is what I'm reading here. What do you think that means? There's a question.

What do you think that means? I mean, I guess it's like a bird watcher. It's bird stuff. Bird stuff. Yeah. It's an enclosure, I think. How do you get paid to do bird stuff? I don't know. Let's ask him that. I don't know the answers to these questions. Ask me about Patton Oswald, you know. Patton Oswald. Yeah, he was on this show. I would ask him about that. Oh, he's someone good for the Comedy Bang Bang interview. What's the questions you would ask him? Uh, when's the show come out? Look, we got to get to our next guest, Jonah. He is in the apiary industry. Please welcome Tim Bullock. Hi, Tim. Hi, Scott. It is. This is Jonah. Jonah Ray. Hello. Do you recognize him from?

Of course. From, you know. From the green room? From the green room when I came in and I said, hi, I'm Tim. Uh, and I, you know, I asked him. That's a nice way to meet people. You know, when the show came out. Yeah. How many episodes it was? How many episodes. Yeah. What did he say about the platform it was on? It's some sort of a... It's independent released, which is... What does that mean to you, a regular, a common person? Well... The lay person, as they say. I associate independent releases with when I let a bird off my arm. Oh, okay. That's what it comes up with. That's what triggers in your mind. You suddenly think of the weight being... Does your arm sort of like rise up when you hear that phrase? Almost like, oh boy. I instinctively want to lift

my arm. Right. And I guess that brings me to my point of being here. Oh, great. Well, it's great to have you. Uh, welcome. I know that we're not doing the comedy bank being interviewed with you, but I would love to talk to you about what you do. What is it you do? Tell us, tell Jonah and I, two interested parties, what it is that you do in the apiary industry? Because I didn't realize you could get paid to do anything with birds, let alone whatever it is you do. That's interesting. It's a pretty wide industry. There are a lot of types of jobs that go into birds and handling birds. I personally am a falconer. Falconer. Oh, okay. I work closely with a falcon named Aphrodite that I just got. And what is a falconer? Because like, how does someone get paid to be a falconer?

Why does someone pay you to have a falcon? Yeah. Do you own the falcon? Do you rent the falcon? Well, I just put down a pretty severe down payment on this falcon. And I got to be honest. Was it 10%? 20%? It's, you know, in this market, it's 20% if you're lucky. Wow. Sometimes it goes higher and it's the best offer. Yeah, OBO. A more best offer. Yeah. It could be a lot of money. It was a lot of money for me. And how much are falcons going for these days? That's a good question, Jonah. Thank you so much. Jonah Reyes here, MST 3000. I got a falcon loan and it was 3k. It's MST 3000. So how much are falcons? I had to put down around 15 grand. You put down 15 grand in order and that

was 30%. That was 30%. And I don't have my falcon mortgage calculator in front of you. It's 100 grand. It's 100 grand. No, it's 50 grand. You know, no, wait, 15 is 30. It's 30% in this. So it's not going to be able to do this. It seems like a lot of money. And, you know, sometimes it takes a lot of money to make stuff. It's 50 grand. 50 grand. Like, you know, with the new season, Mr. Science Theatre, of course, you know, we kickstarted the budget for it. So it's kind of made. Okay. I'm going to have to ask you about that soon because I'm going to, you ever done that? I would imagine like with a bird, though, it would be more like fly starter or fly swatter or fly swatter. Oh, I don't want to, certainly don't want to swat a falcon.

That's a way, easy way to end up in bird jail. But what is bird jail just another smaller apiary? It's sort of, have you ever heard of like, is it a jail for birds or is it a bird that humans go into if they do bad things for birds? It's a bird. Like the birds have them do bad things. Yeah. Like, are they accessories and bird crimes? It's all crimes. Is that a weird Al song? It's pretty much all crimes related to birds. And I'm worried I'm going to head there soon because I just, what's going on? Right before this, I did my first inaugural flight with Aphrodite and I let her off my arm and she has yet to come back. Oh no. Aphrodite, wait, so we're right outside the building. You did it outside this building? I put the leather glove on and I was

going to be like, this is going to be great. We'll be able to have Aphrodite fly. By the way, you didn't mind going all the way up to your elbow. Usually when I see a falconer, it goes all the way up to your arm. You put it on like you were OJ. Yeah, it's a really tight little leather glove. I mean, I spent so much on the down payment, I couldn't get the whole arm. You couldn't get the whole arm. So just, this is like an ice. Really light quality leather. It's not an ice atoner. A little small. Yeah. And so the bird, and you're trained? Did you train to do this too? Look, I've been trying to break into the falconry industry for a very long time and it's pretty

prohibitive in terms of cash up front. So it's an industry where you need to come in like rich or you need rich parents. Your daddy was a falconer. Yeah, it's like working in Hollywood. Exactly. There's all this nepotism or bird nepotism. So you don't have any ties to the industry then? No, a lot of these kids have these ostrich farms. They have whole sanctuaries and I want to say like Big Sur or something like that or towns where you can bike around. I mean, you would know better than I. You're asking me, I have no idea. No, I'm just wondering if you've been there. Have I been to Big Sur? Oh yeah, all the time. Okay. Do I see falcons? I don't know. It seems like pretty falcon heavy. I would imagine with the

force. I mean, I've looked up in the sky certainly and I've been like, is that a bird? Is that a plane? Sometimes it's, you know, I think it's super bad even. But it turns out normally it's planes. Well, I mean, it's often planes, you know, but we're in, you know, Southern California, there are a lot of falcons. Usually a kite will be up there. Like a lost kite or a balloon or something. Mainly found kites. Found kites. Yeah. Yeah. Secondhand kites that people have found. A repurposed kites. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you can just eye a kite in the sky and know if it's a used kite or not. Well, no, I usually follow the string down and then I ask. Pretty long. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's, it's when you, I love asking people questions that, you know, I just see

on the screen. Wait, I'm just really quick. So you, you see the kite, you follow the string, you go up to the person. I'll have a conversation for hours. I just like, I find the people so interesting. Just in general, do you, do you know how many questions you normally ask them? Oh, I mean, how many questions? Yeah. I mean, sometimes it's, it's, you know, hundreds. I mean, for hours? Yeah. In our long, you know, two or three hour long. You're just intrigued by people. Oh, I love it. I love it. I'm a people person. Wow. And Tim Bullock is here. He's a falcon person. So wait, your falcon got away from you. She's gone. I don't know what to do. She's flying. I saw her somewhere. Did you train Aphrodite to come back or is that something that? I was,

I was thinking the glove would do a lot of the work, you know, that's almost like. Did you put anything on the glove? Like, did you dip it in like? Well, I was like male falcon semen or I don't know what attracts. Is that what I should have done? God. I think, look, if I could go back in time for one reason and one reason alone, it would dip my little glove into falcon semen. Where'd you get the glove? Oh, well, they're at the store where they sell all the falcons. It's, you know, they have hundreds. Oh, because they get you, they get you coming and going. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, there's like this. So you're in line with the falcon and the cage and then you're just like an impulse buy for falcons. There's little gloves

and leashes, which I see a falcon just blowing bubbles. It makes my day, but you hardly ever see it these days. Why is that? Is the culture changing? I think people are on their falcons around their phones more now. Oh, yeah. But I would, that's just a guess because my falcon's gone and wow. So Aphrodite, what did you say to Aphrodite? Did you, did you have any kind of words of like, okay, come back, make sure you come back or? Well, I was really just adamant about the first part of it, which was Aphrodite to the sky and I lifted my arm in the air and to her credit, she listened. Yeah. To the nth degree. Yeah. Yeah. That's too bad. She's all but gone. So what was the, were you keeping Aphrodite in a cage up till then and then? Pretty small cage up

until then. He's pretty small. Yeah. Well, I mean, they're very spelt like aerodynamic and I thought, you know, was it too small of a cage? No, it's hindsight again. I think the cage was small. She was happy to get out of it. She was happy to get out. That could be it. Yeah. Well, it's interesting that, that you're being interviewed here on the show for being a falconer and you decided to do your first one right before walking in here in the parking lot and then you, then you actually came in to do the interview. I would have been like, okay, I'm going to call and reschedule this interview because I'd lost my first falcon. I would have loved to see the falcon. I know and I'm just wondering if after this, maybe you guys can come outside if you have any sort of pool

equipment that we could just maybe, any pool equipment here at the studio? You know, there's nets on the long pole that we should try. You should have got me during the backyard era. I had plenty of pool equipment then. But then again, if you had brought the falcon, we had a ton of falcons up there too. You could, you could hear them occasionally. Did you have the little mask? The hood? Yeah. The little falcon head? Yeah. I had the little falcon hat. What is that, what is that for? To make them think they're asleep? Well, you know, like when you want to put a bird of sleep, you put the towel over the cage. Yeah. So to make them really fall asleep, you put a hood over there. You never put on a pair of goggles and fall asleep immediately?

It's on the pool. That was the backyard era. I mean, I guess I missed it. Look, I was hoping that I could just come in here if you have like a mini fridge that has like a little bit of loose heat. A miniature refrigerator? Yeah, a miniature is short for a miniature refrigerator. If you have it. I believe there's one. You look, I haven't been back to the studio in quite a while, so I can't remember if we have one. Could have gotten bigger. Could not be there. To be honest, I'm trying to picture the kitchenette in there. And it's been so long, I can't really even picture it anymore. I know there were M&M's there for a while. Is that true? Maybe we can lure Aphrodite back with M&M's or? M&M's just sort of like, you know, rodent meat of some kind. Where are we

Did it enjoy any kind of music? Yeah, how long did you have this Falcon before you let it free? Well, the Falcon store opened at 10 a.m. It's 11 a.m. right now. I ran over, had to run over. You don't have a car? I don't. Which is hard here. Public transit is kind of fun, but it's just, it's a little too long. And they don't like Falcons on there. Right, right. So you ran over here from the, where's the Falcon store? Where's my little Falcon cage? It's, I want to say it's La Brea. It's a, I would say a 45 minute sprint to here. So you, you ran over here 45 minutes. Presumably it took you at least five minutes to pick out the Falcon by the glove. At first Falcon I saw. So one and a half minutes, I would say. Because you know,

you have a 45 minute sprint. I'm going to be late 11, 11 a.m. I have to be there until then. You had the Falcon on your arm as you were sprinting over here. Do you think that maybe you jostled it a bit much? I, you know, hindsight, I would say that I probably jostled the Falcon a lot. What made you want to get into this, Tim? Well, you know, you see all these side hustles where you get the thing. This was a side hustle for you. This was going to be your main thing. You got to put this on main. Look, I, I, if I was a side hustle with the hopes of becoming the main hustle, I wish, I wish I could throw my whole body and spirit. What do you do? What do you do for, for actual work? Full time babysitter, a hundred percent of the time I'm, I'm taking.

You let your first Falcon get away within seconds. I don't know if I would trust you with a baby. Well, they can't fly that high, honestly. That's a good point. Babies, you say babies to the sky. And they're not usually listening to you. Keep them close to the ground if I were you. I mean, I'm not trying to throw a baby in the air. I'm not trying to get fired on my main hustle. Yeah. Well, what if you threw a baby in the air, just trying to have a little fun and then it just flew away? You must dream about that sometimes. I do. I have a lot of, you know, my, my interests intersect in my dream world and, uh, and it's a lot of flying babies. Hold on. This is how you, next time you're babysitting, you come back, you get that baby, you bring it back over here,

you throw it up in the sky and maybe Aphrodite swoops down to, to, to catch it, to catch it, to save it, and it will be able to fly once it has it in its grasp. Everything is pretty strong, sizable. I was noticing that on the sprint over here, the, the musculature of this bird is very strong. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think it could carry a baby? How far do you think it could carry? I would say 30 feet in the air, not the usual couple hundred. How many months though, the baby? The baby is probably 30 months, I would say. 30 months, 30 feet. 30 months, 30 feet. It's pretty easy to remember. Is that a baby when it's 30 months? It's 30 for 30. It's a baby. Is that what 30 for 30 is? I've always seen people talking about

that. It's 30 feet in the air for 30 months. That's how you know it's a baby. That's what these tattoos are. Interesting. Oh wait, you have tattoos? What? I, you know, it was sort of, you know, like the secret where you're kind of manifesting. Oh, I see. I got the 30 for 30, you know, but it doesn't say 30 for 30. It's just 30 pictures of birds. 30 pictures of the different types of birds that I know off the top of my head. Off the top of your head, you. Go ahead, keep going. All 30 is what I want to hear. Chicken, chicks. Chicken and chicks. That doesn't count. Chick, chick, chick, chick, chick. Come on, wait. Any crows? Oh, that would have been a good. Oh, yeah, yeah. Crows is the name

of one of the characters in Mystery Science Theater. And Hampton Yand does a really good job and there's a new one. I was just wondering. I just, I was just trying to count. Yeah, trying to fit it in there. Yeah. Do you watch TV with birds in it? Gosh, I'm mostly outside. Not a lot of TV shows have birds in it. You know what I mean? Well, the crow is the name of a bird. I don't think that I was ever watching like the gilded age and suddenly like, you know, you see just a parrot walking by, you know, and string. Yeah, just like on its feet, just walking across. It doesn't happen very much. It doesn't happen a lot, but I think it should happen more often. Don't you? I mean, you're interested in birds. I mean,

if I could get, you know, that's sort of an adjacent side hustle, parrot wrangler on set. I would love that. Parrot. That's needed. In Los Angeles, you need a parrot wrangler. I get into that. I mean, this, who knows if Aphrodite is coming back. Yeah, I mean, that's $15,000 down the drain. Where'd you get the 15? Just babysitting? Just solid babysitting hours. What do you get paid an hour? I get paid about 30 an hour. Another 30. So I get paid 30 an hour. Do you exclusively do 30-month-year-olds? 30-month-year-olds, 30 an hour. And I'm going to have to be honest, at a minimum, guaranteed 30 hours. So we do long weekends. We do a little math here.

30 times 30. Let's see, that's $900 a week. Yeah. So what did you work like? Sometimes you can double up on the babies or triple up or 30 up. So your baby's hitting 30 babies at a time. 30 babies for 30 hours, $900 baby. So the way you, okay, 30 of those at 900, then we're talking, that's $27,000 a week. You can get two Falcons for that. Yeah. Well, I mean, half a Falcon. Half a Falcon? Well, Falcons are 50. They're going for 50 this way. He just made the down payment. Oh, that's right. But you could do two down payments of Falcons. Joan is quite correct on that. That's what I meant initially. It's pretty taxing hours, and it's a pretty difficult industry to just work. Especially to do 30 babies. Do you keep

them all in the same room, or are they each in separate rooms? Yeah. Baby cages. How big are the baby cages now? Well, again, hindsight, they should be bigger. They're basically the size of the baby. Did you get these at the chicken places where they raised chickens to be killed? Like a factory farm for chickens? Yeah, a lot of them get shut down by the FDA and stuff. And I can get in there and I can get these chicken cages for $1. Yeah. But this is not comfortable for a baby. Not comfortable for a chicken. It's definitely not comfortable for a chicken. And I would say that the babies like to be swaddled. And a lot of babies just get a good nap in, I would say. Okay. This is a good point. Was there any kind of tracking device or chip in the Falcon? Oh,

this is a good idea. Did you not have time? Well, I chip the babies, but I don't have a chip. Wait, you do a personal chip for all of your babies? Well, I use a database. If you're watching 30 babies, you want to make sure that they're around? Do the parents know that you're chipping all their babies? Why do they need to know? That's true. I mean, they're never going to see it. Look, it's honestly a precaution if they ever want to hire me to track down their baby. How long have you been doing this? 30 years? 30 years about it. So some of these babies that you've chipped are all grown up. Are Pierce, honestly. Do you still keep tabs on them? I mean, you've chipped all these. I track them all. I mean, there's probably three or four babies in this building

that we're in. I mean, you're doing ducks? Yeah, I mean, some of them got lost a lot. So you have you have chipped babies all over the world all over and you can get, you know, what I should be doing is selling that data. You've been tracking their every movement. Does it do other stuff like what they watch and what ads they see? It's sort of like a Nielsen box for every. You should be selling this data. It's going to be a good industry. Britannica, yeah. Wow. Well, I, Tim, I really, I feel terrible about Aphrodite. I mean, did you name Aphrodite by the way or? I did not. It's sort of, you know, first. Didn't have time. It was like they were alphabetical in the store. I ran up, saw the first. So Ardvark was not.

Ardvark wasn't there. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe it was rented out. And you're sure it was a Falcon? We only had 45 minutes together. I was at a full sprint. It could have been a little eagle. I don't know. Was it bald? Bald. You know what? A bald eagle. Did it have a comb over? A little comb over. It could have been a baby. It might have been a baby. Oh my gosh. Do you remember like were you, were you currently babysitting when you were going to get Aphrodite? Well, it's hard. I had to leave the babies pretty quickly. Yeah. There's 30 of them. I think I got them all in their cage. I run out, grabbed my keys, grabbed all my stuff and I did you get all your stuff? Forgetting I had my keys, my wallet, my baby chips. How many baby chips? You just reached

into your pocket and you have like a handful of baby chips. You never know when you're going to need to chip a baby. Okay. Well, you should have chipped your Falcon. This is unfortunate for you. Hindsight. Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, that's, it can be a powerful thing to have hindsight. Hmm. Well, Tim Bullock is here. The apiary industry. We need to take a break if that's okay. Can you stick around? I'll pop out for a second. Look for my Falcon. I'll come back. Okay. Yeah. Do that while I'm saying the ads. I'll stick around too if you want to ask any more questions. If you kind of think of anything during the break. All right, Jonah. All right. We're going to come right back. We have some other people. I don't know who or what,

but they're going to be on the show and we'll have more Tim Bullock, more Jonah Ray. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang. We are back. We have Jonah Ray of Mystery Science Theater. And you were saying 3K is the number? Well, MSD3K or Mystery Science Theater 3000. Yeah. But it's never MSD 3000? No, no, it seems like it could be. Mystery Science Theater 3000. Usually this is people say MSD 3K or something like that. But that's all episodes. Yeah. They came out on the sixth. Yeah. We talked about that. Also, we have Tim Bullock is here. Just checked. Just checked. Yeah. What's going on? Didn't see it. I thought I saw Aphrodite, but it was a kite. It got lost in a conversation.

Did you see he followed the string down? Yeah. Followed the string down. That could be very tempting to do. Street kite people. Yeah. I wonder, because we took a 45 minute break. Yeah. I talked for 30 minutes and then stood outside for 15 and then came back in. Wait. So you talked to her for 30 minutes, then stood outside for 15? Why not come back in after the 30? Yeah. I needed to recharge a little bit. All right. Well, speaking of recharging, I recharged with our producer, Devin, over here, and I got the name of our next guest. She is an attorney. Please welcome, for the first time on the show, Bethena Saltz. Hi, Scott. Hi. Hi. You can call me Beth. Beth Saltz, for short.

Okay. Please. You like that. You like to be called Beth Saltz? Well, it's my name. Okay. What's your name? I thought your name was Bethena. Well, it's Bethena. That's my government name, but what's your government name? Scott is short for Ascot. Ascot? Yes. Ascot. All right. The thing you put around you. Yeah. The thing you put in underwear. No, I don't think you know what an Ascot is. Well, I know what an ass is. Wait, so you were thinking what an Ascot. An Ascot. It's a butt plug. I'm sorry. Let's start over. Please. I feel like, for some reason, we got off on the wrong foot here, where we're talking about ass clots and butt plugs here. That's not what you're here to talk

about. By the way, this is Tim. He's a legend. I was going to say you're a falconer, but you're not really. If we find my falcon, I am. Okay. I don't like birds. Did you see any coming in here? Oh, I saw birds. Yeah. Did you see a falcon? I didn't see a falcon. I don't know the different types of birds. Did it look like one of these tattoos of all the birds I have on my arm? You've got this lot of birds. There's 30 tattoos of birds. Is that a blue jay? Do you know what a blue jay is? It is a little blue jay, but I first thought I thought it was a chicken. I was married to a Canadian. Oh, from Toronto? Toronto, yes. Yeah, where the blue jays play. Where the blue jays play, correct. Yeah. Correct. The Major League Baseball team, the blue jay. We're not saying,

like, it's not a phrase like where the deer and the buffalo play. No, where the wild things are. No, nothing like that. Literally the Toronto blue jays. And this is Jonah Ray. He's from Mystery Science Theatre. I guess he wants me to say 3,000. And you can ask him when his show is coming back. When's your show? When's your show coming back? It came out on May 6th. It's on a platform called the Gizmoplex. And anything else you want to ask about it is, you know, it's a Scott. Do you have anything? No, for the questions, Iran. No, no, I don't have any questions. It's a pleasure to meet you. It's a lot of fun making it. Pleasure to meet you, Bethena, or Bethel. Bathels, please. Bathels. So you'd prefer to have your entire name be... Well, what's the

alternative? You want to call me Bethena? No, well, I would just call you by your first name normally, but it seems a little weird to be saying your first and last name. So would you rather call me? I would normally say Bethena. Yeah, gross. Why is that gross? That's your name? Because I mean, yeah, well, your name, did you choose your name? I didn't, you know, that's the thing. I feel like people should be able to choose your name. Yeah, we should be able to choose it. I did not choose this name. Yeah, I did not. Your parents did? I'm presuming? Well, yeah, my parents did. My parents chose my name. I am a failed attorney, by the way. Oh, that's not in your bio here. I'm sorry. It just says attorney. I got D-barred. D-barred. No, D-barred. Yeah, it's when you're

on the bar and someone puts a dick on your foot. No, yeah. No, I mean, we're joking around. I'm just kidding. I do a little comedy to myself. You do a comedy to yourself? This is a comedy, Bang Bang, right? No, thank you very much. I appreciate the attempt, and that's great. Because it didn't quite track D-barred. He's a failed falconer. I'm from one failed person to another. You know, what exactly does a falcon do? Well, they normally would handle falcons that would then come back to them. I still don't know how someone gets paid for this. Say you show up to birthday parties or events and you... So you're an entertainer? A bit of an entertainer, yeah. Oh, like Cedric. He's like Cedric. Yeah, Cedric. You a Cedric fan? Huge Cedric fan, followed him

for 30 years. Followed him? Yeah, what do you mean on Instagram? On the different... Social media hasn't been around for more than 16, 17? I want to say as soon as he started touring, I was there, and I would show up with the original Kings of Comedy, etc. Exactly. Would you only see Cedric, though? I only show up for Cedric, and then I bounce. Well, what do you think of the Queens of Comedy? Are you a sexist? I'm not. It's not that I'm sexist. I just love Cedric, the entertainer. Yeah. So you don't stick around for Steve Harvey? No. Who would he close? Harvey? Steve Harvey? Yeah, Harvey. Steve Harvey, as he would say. He doesn't like bonding. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. People don't want to say just a first name. He's not going to say

what you didn't stick around for Steve. Steve Harvey. Right. Okay, you're right. Okay, salt, bath salts. Bath salts. Bath salts. No, you don't... Yeah, bath salts. What makes you a failed attorney? What do you mean? Well, I'm a divorce attorney, and I have not successfully seen a divorce through one time. No, everyone stays married. Everybody stays married. Everybody stays married by a quota law. Even though I'm not a judge, I'm not a judge, but yeah, everyone stays married. Are you sure you're not a marriage counselor? No, I promise I'm not a marriage counselor. So people would hire you. Do not relate well to people. People would hire you, wanting to get divorced and wanting to work out a settlement between them. Absolutely. And by the

end of working together, they would go, look, I'm just going to stay. They would say she's not worth the money or the hassle, and they would reconcile every time. Every time. Like they're following back in love, or they just decide I'm literally a headache. So they hate each other just as much they would rather stay married than talk to you anymore. Then talk to me. You're a common enemy. I'm a common enemy, I suppose. I guess that makes sense. Yeah, common enemy. Change my name. Can you reintroduce me? I'm common enemy. I feel like there would be confusion in the marketplace with Common, who you know that rapper. Just the one name, Common. And what's so funny is his talent is so uncommon. It's so singular to him. It's uncommon, common, but exactly. But it's kind of

wordplay on him. I know him. I know him. You know Common, right? I do know Common. At the mall. AT&T store. How common? Yeah. Well, yeah. Okay. The wordplay is kind of, I don't know. This is a comedy show. Well, you tried something that I was trying something. You're trying something. Okay, we both failed. Okay. We're both bad at it. Yeah. So anyway, all the couples do stay together. A lot of times, you know, you go to court and we say it's irreconcilable differences. We go to the judge, we say that's what's going on here. The judge asks questions. It's really just like irreconcilable differences. But they mean irreconcilable differences between you and them? Ultimately, yes. Initially, it starts with the woman complaining about her husband's penis size,

but that's pretty much all divorces. Anytime you've ever heard irreconcilable differences, think about it. What could you, what is possibly irreconcilable? Think about it. Think about it. What can't a man change about themselves? His penis. Yeah. Those pills don't work. Yeah, you can put the pump on it as long as you want. It's not really going to, it's not really going to make a difference. It's not going to make a difference. So I am a common enemy. So every, every marriage that's been divorced, it's all about the, the, the size of the man's penis. Erecting, reconcile differences. Erecting, reconcile. Yes. Yes. What he, yes. Yes. That's kind of fun wordplay that you could hear watching movies on this is a wordplay podcast.

Not really. Although we were talking about bird crimes earlier. Are we big on puns? God, we're in our 14th year. I'm going to say, I think so. Okay. All right. Okay. Cool. Do you think big punisher was short for big on puns? I think he was. Yeah. He loved puns. Maybe the whole name. Anyway, that just came to me. I love you called him big punisher. Already saying what it's long for. Pun, big punisher. Big, big, sure. Sure. But big on punisher. Take the issue. Anyway, whatever. I do have another case to make it to today. So I thought you were disbarred. I was disbarred, but I can't. I was debarred. Oh, that's different. That's like a mini, it's a mini disbar. Well, that's a sexual act. Oh, okay. You thought I was doing a pun, but

that's actually what happened. It was a sexual act. Too many penises on the forehead. So who's your case? Have you ever seen a 60 year old woman with acne? Take a good look at my forehead. Are you 60 or do you have acne? Looks like a freaking Nestle crunch ball. Okay, let me check that out. Bend down over here. Bend down. My forehead's up here. I'm sitting down. My forehead is up here. And you've been standing this entire time. Well, because I'm used to being in court. Okay, well, bend down so I can see your forehead. I'm not going to bend down, you bend over. Do you have a mirror? Nasty fuck. Am I allowed to cuss? I'm sure if you want. Is this a court of law?

If you were to say something like that to the judge, though, what would happen to you? Oh, well, I well, I've hooked up with a few judges. Oh, really? What about Judge Steve Harvey? Oh, Steve Harvey. No, never hooked up with him. He's married. Yeah, supposedly. Religious, too. He's married and religious, so he doesn't do hookups. But hasn't he done like five divorces? Of himself of his own? Yeah, I think so, right? So every single time he gets remarried, they're like, Oh, no, the penis is small. Well, here's the thing, Scott. Here's the thing. I don't study divorces. I don't know. So maybe that's why you should. I don't know who I don't study. Like, I don't do you study comedy? Yeah, he doesn't study comedy. I don't I don't know. I mean,

at least you should know case law of like previous cases and stuff like that. Case law. That was a judge I hooked up with. Case law. Case law. Case law. Why don't you just follow what you're good at and like help people, you know, stay together. Yeah, maybe it's like when, you know, Aphrodite comes back, you can help reconnect that. Are you married, Tim? I'm perpetually single. Are you looking? Look, I'm always looking. Are you just a 60 year old woman with acne? Hey, hey, hey, don't pit me out here. Scott, you're really off putting today. And she already says she hates birds. I don't like birds and you're a big bird guy. You got him tattooed all over your body. All you have big bird tattooed on your body. What a big bird across my back.

It's a Tweety bird. Tweety bird on my forehead. Yeah, crazy. Listen, I uh, it's Tweety bird with a like low pants too. Like you would see sexy during space when space jam. You can see Tweety birds V, you know the V, the sexual V. The gutters. The gutters, yeah. The D'Angelo sex grooves. Yeah, the D'Angelo sex grooves. Oh, yeah, that's right. I wish I could have seen the tattoo while they were doing it, but again, it was on my forehead. Yeah. Wow. That's a sexy Tweety bird. I don't like birds, but I kind of, I don't know. But you'd make an exception for Tweety bird. I'm black, but I'm blushing. I'm black, but I'm blushing. I can't see it. I'm sorry. That's racist. No, he's saying you need to bend over. I'm not gonna bend down. I mean, every man in here trying to

get me to bend down. You bend over. I mean, bend over. Then we could talk. It's just sort of a higher up perch. Stop bringing things back to birds. All right, please. Nobody wants it. No, no falcon up there. No, no, I did not see a falcon on my way in. You don't have a falcon on your forehead, do you? I don't. No, that's a Nestle crunch bar. Okay. Maybe, maybe the Nestle crunch bar could be out there and that could lure the falcon back. He thinks it's a Nestle crunch bar. So you tell me to stand outside. You want me to leave right now? Expose your forehead. The falcon swoops thinking your forehead is a Nestle crunch bar. It could work. Yeah. This is a good idea. I don't like to take off my sweatband. I wear a sweatband around my head. That's right. I was wondering

if you played tennis or... Yeah, no, I wear track suits and sweatbands to court. I've never had a judge respect me. Looking like Kill Bill in and out. Never. Never. But listen, I don't want to, you asked a great question. I don't want to be a marriage counselor. There's not enough money in that. Okay. There's not enough money. It seems like there's just as much money as being a failed divorce attorney. I mean, do you... I still get paid a retainer. Oh, okay. But a divorce goes through or not. I thought, they don't work on commission, right? Like they get 10% or whatever they have to see the kids like an hour a week. What? They have to babysit the kids? Is that where you're saying? Okay. Not everything has to do with birds and babysitting. Okay. Just stay in your

lane, but at the same time get out of it sometimes. You don't have to remain in your lane. Yeah. That's Go. Anyone ever say that to Nathan Lane, you think? Nathan. Well, stay in your lane. Okay. What's the deal with this? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We just give names for people's autobiographies. Stay in your lane. Okay. What would you do? What would you call Meryl Streeps? Something about the choice? Streeps of fire. Okay. Streeps of fire like that. Great. Nice. Okay. Very good. This is fun. So who's your case this afternoon? It is a couple that has been married for 15 years. Oh, okay. That's, I mean, is that, that's, that's long for a... Well, most divorce is, and this is a fact, this isn't comedy happened after 10 years of marriage.

Yeah. Because that's, that's when the wife like really locks in, right? That's when she gets all of like... She finally sees the penis. She realizes she can't deal with the package. Isn't there something to do with after 10 years she gets more money? Isn't that, that a thing? Or do you wouldn't know? I wouldn't, I wouldn't know. I don't know anything. I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I've never heard. I don't know. Never heard. So my next case is a couple married 15 years. Okay. What's the issue? They just aren't into each other anymore. They're just not into each other. Really? Okay. That can happen? That can happen. That can happen. And they tried, they've tried everything. They've tried, they've tried psychedelics. They've tried,

they've tried their... You're running out of things after psychedelics. Is that what you go to first? Yes, I do. Listen, okay. So I'm not a marriage counselor by any means. I do let client's know. So I'm not a scammer either. I do let client's know. If you want to get a divorce, I do suggest, it's going to be costly. I suggest you try psychedelics and Joshua Tree. First. First. As a preventative step. It doesn't matter where they live. A lot of falcons have that. Get to Joshua Tree, get to Joshua Tree, however you can. However you get to Joshua Tree, try some psychedelics. Yeah. And they tried the psychedelics and... Didn't happen for them.

Not happened. It did not happen for them. They felt, they felt clearer than ever that they didn't want to be together anymore. Okay. They have a child. They have agreed to split custody. That is cut the child in half vertically. Oh no. Yeah, they're going to cut the child in half vertically. Why is that funny to you? Well, I mean, I just chipped the babies. I don't have to do anything like that. Well, that would be terrible for you because then you, the chip would be only in one half of the baby. So I'm going to need two chips in that situation. Where exactly does the chip go in the baby? Just get in the arm fat. The arm fat. Okay. What if they're super skinny? What if they're skinny? Skinny.

I guess in this skull, I don't know. Just shooting out like a little unicorn horn. Or a little like a coat hook. Yeah. You can just get that new Apple tag and then you can... That would probably be a lot simpler and not as invasive. Do you make your own chips? I make them. What kind? Do you like lays? Computer scientists. You should just be in the computer science business. I don't know. It's sort of a side hustle. You guys were talking about computer chips. Side hustles do you have? What's that now? Let's talk about potato chips. Oh, you thought we'd been talking about potato chips this whole time? Not the whole time. I'm just a little hungry. No one offered me anything to

eat when I got here. Well, I know. It's 11.30 a.m. And no one's offered me anything. The gentleman who escorted me in here. Do you think if you're on a show, any show that... You should be offered food. Really? Yeah. Absolutely. Okay. Have you ever done Judge Judy? I don't think I've ever done Judge Judy. You've never done Judge Judy. You've got to do Judge Judy. It's a promotional outlet that I haven't even considered before. If I were promoting something, it's like, why not go on Judge Judy and gin up some fake case? She probably asks a lot of questions. I'm just saying. And I don't know further questions for me. What are you going to do with this couple who is going to get divorced? Are you nervous?

Obviously, I'm going to pretend to go through the motions and I'm going to try to get them divorced. I'm going to introduce them to a judge. One I did hook up with, a different one. Not case law. Not case law. This is different. Civ Pro. Civ Pro. Yeah. Civ Pro. Civil procedure. Thank you. And I'm going to introduce them to him. He's going to do whatever he does. He does his magic. He does his little magic. We do the questions. I don't ask questions. I never ask questions. I actually represent... You didn't catch this. I represent both parties in the divorce. Oh, no. I didn't catch that. So two people paying... That's a conflict of interest, isn't it? I mean, maybe, but no one's calling me out on it to you.

I didn't even. You wanted me to. I did not say that. I'm not setting you up to knock me down. No, I'm sorry. I didn't catch on on that. That's something that normally I would... Yeah, I represent both parties. So he's going to do his little thing. I'm going to represent both parties. Did they both come to you at the same time or was it... Did they both come for me at the same time? Do you get one of them? No, it doesn't work that way. Usually, only one person's coming. Okay, so when someone hires you... How often are two people coming for you at the same time? Be honest. Anybody? Yeah, I don't even know what we're talking about right now.

Well, okay. All right then. All right, Virgin. Freakin' Virgin. Okay. I'm married. I've had sex once. One time. One time in the Foojies. Oh, the Foojies. Big fan. Yeah, what do you think of the Foojies? You mentioned Big Punisher. He was a contemporary of theirs. Big Punisher. I'm a bigger fan of Big Punisher than the Foojies. Really? The Foojies only had one album. One album. So did Lauren Hill. One album. Yeah. One done. It's in the Library of Congress. One and done. Yeah. One for me? The end. One for me. That's half a Scorsese. I like what you did. I do like that. You do like that. Okay, sometimes you don't like it.

Keep that in there. We're going to edit everything else out. Pretty heavy edit on this episode. Yeah, pretty heavy. I like that pun. So no, I just have them. I have them talk to the judge. It's incredible what people will pay you to do. People will pay you to do nothing. Do you know that? Yeah. If you tell them, I know how to do a thing, they won't even check you if you don't do the thing. Right. So I have them present their cases before the judge. The judge asks, what's their problem with one another? She's like, he doesn't put the toilet seat down. He's like, she doesn't cook enough, whatever. Really? That comes up in court.

Every time. Every time. But one of the biggest causes of divorce beyond irreconcilable differences. Toilet seats. Toilet seats. Really? The toilet seats. Yeah. Someone once said to me, well, if you complain about the toilet seat being up all the time, it's like, well, why aren't you lifting it after you're done? You reframe your brain that way. Complaining about it being up all the time. Well, if a woman is like, every time I go in there, the toilet seat is up. I really want to spend some time on this one. Gaslighting? Yeah, this is gaslighting. What a one. You're the one who's crazy. You should be lifting it up when you're done with it.

Listen, I mean, I don't want really solutions for these problems, to be honest, because then I go out on these things. Because then you be like, look. I'm building that the people don't get divorced. Half of marriages end in divorce, don't they? Half of them do end in divorce. And the other half in death. In suicide. In sweatpants. In suicide, yes. Other half in suicide. That's a fact. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So anyway, then the judge listens to them, tells them, look, guys, I actually think you could work this out. Really?

The judge tells them, I actually think you could work this out. This is Siv Pro. Oh, okay. Well, he's going to do that today. He says, I think you could work this out. They get all up in arms. They start arguing. And then they look to me and I'm like, hey, I'm not the judge. No, for the question. So you just say, hey, look, this is the judge's recommendation. This is the judge in his house, what do you want me to do? And then they say, okay, well, what can we do to get you to fight with this guy? And I'm like, you could pay me a large sum of money.

So to fight with the judge. Okay. Uh-huh. To fight with the judge. Fist, like physically, fist fight the judge. I had fist fought. I had fist fought one judge. Case law. Case law and I did fist fight, but not in court. Oh, okay. So in court, you fist fought a judge. I did fist fight a judge. What happened? I mean, did the bailiff step in? I got my jaw fucking wrecked.

Really? Like Kanye style? I got my Kanye style. Oh, through the wire? Through the wire. I didn't get my jaw wired shut right now. What's the opposite of an overbite, an underbite? It's an underbite. And what's the opposite of an underbite, an overbite? So what if it's to the side? What if it's totally to the side? Side bite?

What if it's totally to the side? Left side bite? Left side bite. So yeah, I noticed that you're kind of talking about the side of your mouth. You keep picking me apart. I know. I look like Angelica from The Rugrats. Fuck off. I've never seen The Rugrats. Should I check it out? You should absolutely check it out. Awesome show.

Angelica, it looks like you? Well, I mean, who's older? Angelica's one of the kids. They're all kids. Basically, they're all kids. Is that what The Rugrats is about? It's about a bunch of kids? What did you think it was about? Animals? Pests? Yeah, living in a rug? It was some kind of rat living in your house.

A rat that's in the fist. No, no. It's right there in the title. No, no. Well, they're because they're crawling. A lot of them are crawling. Oh, okay. Interesting. You've never seen The Rugrats. I've never seen it. I've never seen it.

No, no, never seen it. Swear to Gina. Who's Gina? Gina from Martin? Martin, yeah. Gina from Martin. Damn. Another one I haven't seen. You've never seen Martin. Never seen Martin.

Swear to Gina. Swear to Gina. Swear to Pam. Who's Pam? Also from Martin. Oh, okay. Okay, you've really never seen it. I've never seen it. I'm sorry. No, I have a big blind side on that.

Don't apologize. I've never seen the blind side either. You've never seen the blind side? No. No? Never. Never. Ever seen Bird Box?

Did not see Bird Box. Have you ever seen a Bird Box? You know what I'm saying? Sandra Bullock is my sister, I should say. What? Sandra Bullock is your sister? Yeah, Tim Bullock. I'm Sandra Bullock's little brother.

Oh, wow. And I haven't used it at all. Yeah, I mean, she's... And this is a really sad place to try to drop that, because I don't really get much of anything. She was in Bird Box though. It just was, I thought I had to. A Bird Box fame.

Sandra Bullock, a Bird Box. A Bird Box fame. Is Bird Box, what was that? She stole that idea from me. She stole that Netflix movie? Yeah, dude. Yeah, Netflix. She stole the idea from you?

Yeah. A little box for your bird. Yeah. Right. Well, no, that's not, I don't... That's a different movie. A Bird Cage, a little Bird Box. No, the Bird Cage is a different movie.

Bird Box was, I think... Well, I saw that movie, too. Bird Box was Blindfolds, Scary. Blindfolds, Scary. But you said you wanted to be a parrot wrangler on set. I would think Sandra would just give you a job all the time. You'd think, but she's not doing a ton of movies with parrots these days.

You'd think that would be in her contract, where it's just like, hey, whatever she just did with Channing Tatum, let it walk across. My brother needs a gig. I would, I'm just not about using those connections. Big Ostrich Farm guys really put me off of that stuff, so... He's not big on nepotism. I like you.

I work hard for what I got. Okay. You have nothing. I don't have anything at all. No, you have 30 babies to look at. Oh, yeah. I had a ton of data. How much longer?

I had a computer science business that you should be starting. That's okay. Well, gosh, Bath Salt. Yes, I love that. Can you tell I'm wrapping it up? My energy is sort of... You haven't asked me how I got started.

I asked him how he got started. Oh, because that meant it wasn't going well. When he asked that, that's what it means. Yeah, you know. You told me one time the first time I met you. I met you on a dating app. I don't want to ruin your married situation, but I met him on a dating app.

All right. Well, if you did ruin it, I know exactly who to call to get me through the divorce process. Of course, you could call me. All right. Well, Bath Salt is here. Also, Tim Bullock is here. Do you need to go outside again?

I'm going to check out. Try not to make it another 45 minutes. We don't have all afternoon here to do. I'll try to hurry up. Check on the babies. You can check the babies? I got to check on the babies. All right, fine.

And Jonah Ray is here of MST3K. We're going to be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. Comedy bang bang. We're back. We have Jonah Ray of the aforementioned. We mentioned it a few times here on the show. Yeah, just when it came out and how many episodes.

But if there's anything else. Fun, fun stuff. And we also have Tim Bullock. Thanks for coming back. Sorry, that was an even hour. Yeah. That was even longer. I broke it up into a 30 minute session with the babies.

30 minute session looking for Falcon. Right. Kind of different Falcon. What was going on with the babies during those 30 minutes? They just, you know, swallowed up. They were fine. Okay. One got loose, tracked it down with the chip.

But where, how far did it get? 30 miles. 30 miles. Really. Real 30 for 30 guy. Yeah, I mean. Yeah. Interesting.

We also have Bettina, aka bath salts here. Just call me bath salts. What the hell? Talked about it. Okay. We did talk about it. We talked about it. I rest my case.

How often do you get to say that in court? That must be so fun. I don't actually do too much talking to be honest. I just let the couples do the talking and I do the collecting of the checks. Right. Can I ask you a question? No further, but sure.

I was just going to say, can you not rest the case on me? I'm no, I'm going to put this on. I need my briefcase to be somewhere. Yeah. We're all sitting down. I do need my briefcase. Still been towering above us. How tall are you by the way?

What are you going to ask me to bend down? No, I mean, it's just... I'm 6'21". 6'21"? Yes. That's seven feet and... Do some math. Go.

Think fast. Seven nine. You're in listeners, think you're silly. Well, I thought it was just like forced perspective, like Indiana Jones and that rock, but you're actually that tall? Yeah, 6'21". You know that rock that Bully was running away from?

I don't even know one rock. It was two feet high. Two feet, two feet high. It was two feet high, but the way they filmed it, they just filmed it. How many inches is two feet? Go. 24.

You must not think you're stupid. Jack Bauer. Okay, all right. Jack Bauer, you big hit. Lost. All so really popular. Another Jack. Yeah.

What was it about the 90s or the 2000s? The 2000s where people were like, let's name a character Jack. Because Jack's such a classic American name. And then there's Jack in the box, that guy. Oh yeah, Jack. Yeah, don't think we didn't notice when he changed his voice, Jack in the box.

Oh God. Yeah, we're paying attention. Okay, I don't care about Jack in the box. I don't need fast food. Well, you watch the commercials though. No, I don't. I don't. I don't watch the commercials.

I find dine. I find dine. I find dine. And so I have set all my TVs to not show me. Any kind of fast forward commercial? Fast food commercials. Yeah, no, no. So what does it do?

Automatically skips ahead or what? It skips ahead. It only shows me things like Ruth's Chris. That's fine dining to you. Rainforest Cafe. It's expensive. It's Rainforest Cafe. I don't know this.

It's incredible. At Ruth's Chris. Of course, they're great. But I wouldn't call it fine dining. It's incredible dining. Isn't it a great tablecloth? It's great. Ruth's Chris, if you're out there, I would love to come back.

I haven't been there in a few years. I would love to come back. Do you know they're married? Ruth and Chris. That's why it's Ruth's Chris. Wonderful. Because it's Ruth's restaurant. Ruth's Chris.

She calls her husband. I think it was a divorce. I think it was Chris Steakhouse. Did they successfully get a divorce? Yes, and then she got some portion of the business. She got the good stakes. So it was Chris Steakhouse, and then there's also Ruth's Chris. Oh, OK.

That's why you see Chris's Steakhouse. You know divorce. You should actually work in divorce. Instead of doing the funnies. It's your science theater. All that stuff. You should do divorce stuff. It seems like a good side hustle, if anything.

It'd be great if on the show, I don't know who the other characters are, but if they got divorced. There was a fun... OK, we have to go to our next guest. OK. All right. She's a...

Those are the questions. This is interesting. She's a water ghost. Huh, that's interesting. A water ghost. Please welcome to the show Cynthia Blake. Hi, hi, hi, so nice to meet you. Hi, I'm so sorry I got your floor wet.

I've just been... Oh, that's OK. We can clean that up, I think. I mean, that's only... I mean, it's a little puddle. That's all right. Well, you know, it's... Hey, it wouldn't be an episode of Comedy Bang Bang

if there wasn't a little puddle on the floor afterwards. I don't know what to say. What? Cynthia Blake, you're a water ghost. Yeah, yeah. What exactly is that? Well, for those of you who've never heard of a water ghost, we're the kinds of ghosts who usually hang out in televisions

or on phone lines, on old DVDs, or on used VHS. Classic water. Yeah, yeah. And then we... The way we sort of apparate into your space is we will present in a huge amount of water, rising up out of the bathtub or bursting pipes, etc. And that's because we usually died in a body of water.

Oh, yeah. Great. OK, yeah. I've seen these in movies, I feel like. Yeah, yeah. They were real trendy for a short minute. Yeah, like what... The ring is that one?

Yeah, the ring. Dark water. Dark water, exactly. Yeah, oh, you're familiar. Lady in the water. Yeah, lady in the water. I know a lot about movies because we watch so many of them. The Grinch, did you say the Grinch?

Yeah, the Grinch. Jim Carrey's Grinch. Yeah, I feel like maybe... Was he a ghost? You think he's a ghost, Tim? Yeah, spooky. He has a dog, though. A ghost can have a dog.

Yeah, ghosts can definitely have a dog. I'm an expert on this. Ghosts can have any number of familiars. Birds, dogs, cats. Oh boy, you're speaking Tim's language, you know. Oh, I'm listening now. Wait, so you weren't listening before? I really turned out, but I was guessing what the conversation was.

So everything you asked her... Was I right? Yes, you were very successful at it. Wow. So yeah, I passed away in 1982. Oh, congratulations. Thank you so much. How old were you, dude?

Do you mind me asking? You were eight. So I still appear as eight, but I'm now... Emotionally, yeah. Do you mind if we ask how it happened? Well, so that's the thing. I can't tell you how it happened. I can tell you it happened in the Hollywood Reservoir,

but I can't return to my place of murder because they drained the reservoir in the water. It's gone now. So, like, I can't... So, you know, like... They drained the Hollywood Reservoir? They drained it, and then they re... They re-filled it back up?

They re-filled it back up. Oh, okay. So my water's gone. I can't... Oh, no. I cannot go to Heaven or Hell. Because it's beautiful there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, so it sounds like it was a murder. If you died at the Hollywood... Yeah, it was a murder. Do you remember anything, or did you just like black out and then wake up as a ghost? I mean, again, I cannot give any details about how I died because that's the whole hook. Okay, okay.

Oh, oh. Okay, but I can... We have to go on a journey. I can hint at it. I can maybe, like, hint at it a little bit. You sure? Yeah. Yeah, so, um... So, Hollywood Toy and Costumes...

Right, over there on Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah, yeah. I bought a pirate-scabbard time or two there for a show. Two? Twice? You need to just hold on to it the first time. No, well, I would throw it away.

Oh, yeah, yeah. They're only, like, five bucks. So, I was at Hollywood Toy and Costume, and then I saw, like, a funny clown, and then now I'm a ghost. So, I think you can sort of, like, put together... Yeah, fill in the blanks with context clues. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't want to... Because you told me you can't give away those details because that's the whole hook of it, and so I want to respect that totally. Oh, you're a lawyer. You could do this. Yes, yeah. You could solve the crime. No, well, I do divorce, and even then, not really.

But she's divorced from her life, in a way. Yeah, okay, all right, sure. Sure, but I can maybe get you back together with your life if you want to. Oh, that would be... Well, I'd be horribly bloated, but... Yeah, would you even want to be alive now? I mean, what with Elon Musk is buying Twitter?

Yeah, doesn't that make you not want to be alive? Is that true? That's fine. Yeah, that's happening. I can never... I appear in screens. I can never see what's on them, which is why I have it in your show. I'm so sorry. Well, it's okay.

I mean, maybe if someone sets up the screen in a reflection. So, if there's like a mirror... So, if there's a mirror on the other side of the room... It's kind of a fucking lunatic would put a mirror facing a television. Just sometimes you want to expand the size of the room. Usually, it's people are facing the television. It's not mirrors.

But if it's like on the wall behind you, it's very possible if you want to... Like a police interrogation of a television? Like a two-way mirror, is that what you're saying? Or like, Dennis Frans is behind the other one? If you have a small apartment and say you're in the kitchen... Small apartment? You want to cook?

You want to still see the TV? This guy's living in a small apartment? Yeah, because no one fucking watches the show. Oh, my God. Guys got to watch the show, get this guy out of his box apartment. With mirrors on the walls to make it seem bigger. No one knows about it.

Is that what has to happen? If somebody watches your show, you can go back to having... Go back to having three TV shows instead of just the one? Yeah, it was good times. Three years ago was great for me. Watch this guy's shows. I don't want to ask too many questions,

but you say there was a clown. You just remember the clown you went into the shop and there was a clown. Well, I remember everything. I just can't tell you. You can't tell us. Yeah, we have to put it together. Wait, so if we guess how you died, then you...

Absolutely, absolutely. Before we get to that, I just have questions about the process of everything. Okay, great. What? So you're a water ghost. Why are you living in VHSs and stuff? Well, I don't... A lot of electronics.

Yeah. What is that about? Well, you know, in olden times, ghosts used to appear by telegram, they used to appear by phone messages, like spooky over sound, like the crackles in a phone call. Oh, I see.

I thought you meant the cereal. Yeah, it's basically like... Yeah, it's like, where's Pop in this situation? I'm just... This is a pop erasure, and I won't stand for it. It's basically what technology can get us into the most homes, so that we can get our crime solved.

And so, you know, like VHS tapes, so it's hugely popular. What about TikTok? That would be a way now. They do appear on TikTok. What do you appear on TikTok? Streaming platforms. Streaming platform.

What about Vine? Vine. Oh, man, Vine was so great. I was stuck there for six seconds at a time, and it was so great. Hard to get your message out of it. Myspace. Yeah, okay, okay.

What was that about an app? It was a... Yeah, no, do you appear in apps? Yeah, but they have to have lots and lots. Like, we can't just show up... Lots and lots of people, yeah. On an app that nobody's... For a square.

Yeah, so it's like for a beloved show from the 90s, that would be enough probably. Yeah, of course, of course, yeah, absolutely. Okay, great, yeah. Yeah, as soon as that hits the top 10 in the app store... Yeah, let her know as soon as that happens. As soon as that happens, I'll send my ghost friends.

Okay, great. Just keep an eye out for it. The Gizmoplex, it's a mystery science theater. Okay, great, great. Yeah, we'll definitely keep an eye out for that. So, okay, so now that that's out of the way, and I think I understand, now we can get to guessing about how you die.

I mean, you can. You don't... We don't have to solve it today. Oh, really? But if we do, then... If we hit on... What happens? Do you get free at that point?

Do you become a human again? Again, you'd have to return me to my body of water. Oh, which is... It's evaporating. Where does the... No, it was drained. So that water had to go somewhere. Had to go somewhere.

Where does the aqueduct lead to from the Hollywood Reservoir? It goes down into... Into homes? Into homes. Into my above-ground pool. Oh, wait. You have an above-ground pool? I have an above-ground pool.

I've got a few. We're on the hill? Several? From the Hollywood Reservoir? It's actually in Whittier. It's in Whittier. And there is an aqueduct that runs... From the reservoir.

Parallel to the 710. Sure. What are you, over there on Lucerna Drive? Yeah, on the Lucerna Drive, yeah. But I'm not going to put my address on this podcast, you creep. So you're downing? Are you in the Disney Ranch? No, it's a full above-ground pool.

I have multiple above-ground pools. Like the kind of wiggly kind? It kind of looks like... Well, no, no. The sturdy kind. And it looks like the Olympic rings, but they're not connected. Oh, okay.

So like if you were doing an aerial view, like a Falcon Eye view. A Falcon Eye view. That's for you. It would look like the Olympics, if the Olympics were all like, hey, everyone, let's separate. Separate, but equal.

When did you feel these pools up? What year did you put these pools up? 1982. Oh my God. This could be the original water. 1982. That is the same year that Cynthia died. Cynthia, yeah.

I think we could get you back. All right. So all we have to do is solve how I died. You were saying clown did it? I couldn't call it. No, she didn't say that. She didn't say it. She saw it.

Hollywood Dane costume. Now, when you say a clown, is this an actual, like circus clown or just like an asshole, a guy who's just like ex-goofy? Yeah, a real jerk. Okay, okay, joke, okay. Wait, sure not. When you ask these questions, you point me.

Like a pain in the neck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just some guy. And you're in Hollywood, correct? Yeah, that's right. And your last name is what? Blake. Is there some kind of guy that's not a good guy,

the last name Blake? You always got a little family first, right? Blake, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, but they're always, whatever. But, I mean, there is a guy. Jonah, maybe you know him. Robert Blake? Were you related to?

Don't assume, I know him. Oh, I can't say, but I could say, Warmer, colder. Blake, say Warmer, colder. Warmer. Okay, oh, wow. Okay, Blake Griffin. Blake Griffin, yeah.

Also, Warmer. Also, Warmer. Hold on, so wait, first name Blake. Robert Blake and... Blake Blake? Blake Blake. Blake Anderson? Blake Lively?

Blake Lively. Oh, you know. From the sisterhood of the traveling pants? 01:03:41,000 --> 01:03:42,760 It was born in 1982. What? I think you guys might be onto something. Maybe Blake is a code.

Oh, I don't know what that means. Blacky, blacky. Lakes? Blacky. I'm not gonna, wait, I didn't say that. You did, you said it, I got you. Cut that out, cut that out. No, keep that part, keep that part, please.

Yeah, keep that part, please. Look, I don't know, did you trip? I did trip. How many guesses do we get? I mean, really infinite, okay. 48 years, I've been, like, I was eight years old. So we just get to, but do we have to get every detail, or do we just get the general part of it?

If you can get the general part of how I got from this. The toy store. The toy store. Where you saw a clown. I saw some real jerky, real buffoon. Highwood toys to the Highwood Reservoir. That's about a 15 minute drive. You go up Cawenga, probably from Hollywood.

30 minute sprint. Are the listeners of this podcast only from Los Angeles? Well, what I'm saying is you go up Hollywood. Hollywood to Cawenga, and you take Cawenga probably over. That's a harsh turn on Cawenga. Maybe go up, you know. Probably to Palms. I'd go up to San Marco and then, like, twist around a bit.

Yeah, yeah, that's a good route. That's fun, too. Windy guy. Anyway. Okay, so you're married. Okay, I just have to stop and ask you something. And I'm kind of embarrassed that I have to ask this. What do you do for your skin?

Because it looks amazing. Oh, thank you so much. Is it the water part of it? So when you are underwater, like, physically for 40 years, you really get, like, a nice... I would think you would get pruney. You get, well, you get a moisturizing effect. Oh, okay.

When I first come out of the water, it's horrible. It's like, I look like... Her forehead. Okay, again, Nestle crunch ball, not a raisin. No, I'm not gonna bend down. You bend over. Oh, my gosh. When I first come out of the water,

I look like sort of like a wet trash bag. But then over the course of... You look like a dry trash bag. Yeah, over the course of the next few hours, the skin dries out, but it stays moist. I highly recommend face down in any body of water for as long as you can. Why is everyone trying to give me face down?

Face down, ass up, please. All these nasty ass podcasts. It is moaning myrtle. You never got a chance to read Harry Potter, I would have. Or it can ghost read. Well, we can read over people's shoulders, and we mostly do. Oh, okay.

So do you ever read one of those Harry Potter books written by that notorious turf? Yes, I did read. I feel like with a lot of things, she kind of does things without attribution. And moaning myrtle is clearly a water ghost, but at no point in the book does she ever refer to myrtle as a water ghost.

As a water ghost. Yeah, that's it. What do you think of the name Cho Chang? You ever come across that when you're reading over a shoulder? You know, you know. Pretty cool. You can read books over people's shoulders, but you can't watch screens.

TV over someone's shoulders? If there's a screen in the room, I'm in the screen. But what if they have a screen across the room next to the mirror? What if there's another screen on, like... Oh, are you asking if I ping pong back and forth between mirrors and television?

Where do you go inside the one screen across the room and watch the screen on the other side of the room? Again, do you have a mirror pointed at your television? It makes the room bigger. He lives in a little apartment. You can watch a show. These rules should be rhyming, I think.

Like, if there's a screen in the room, it means you're doomed. You're doomed. Yeah, yeah, that's great. That would be great to have, like, water ghost rules like that, where we could all remember. Well, yeah, if there's a screen in the room, you're doomed. Right, it's just like your life is not good.

What? Or what is that? Oh, it's great, sitting up with the mirror. Okay, because we did say rhyme, and that is something that he established. Well, if there's a screen in the room, it means you're doomed because you're in the screen and you're going to...

Correct, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's easy to remember. You're in the screen. If there's not a screen... If there's not a screen, you know what that is. You're basically clean. You're clean. Right, yes, good.

Good stuff. So are we getting warmer colder? Yeah, I mean on... Have we solved this? It's up to you. Okay, here's my theory. Is this... Do we lay out a theory like it's like we're

a cure-poirot or something like that? But you get extra points if you do it like you've just cracked it. Okay, all right. Everyone, thank you for coming. I'm glad that you all came here. And the reason that you're here is because I know who killed Cynthia Blake.

That's right. She was in Hollywood toy and costume, which as we all know is just off of Hollywood Boulevard. If you were to get there from... Probably from the north, I would take the 405 to the 101 to Highlands and then make a ride on Hollywood. You could probably...

There's not a lot of parking on the street, so you got to park in that lot that's right there on Wilcox. And she was there trying to buy a costume for her little self because Halloween was coming up. And then she saw a clown inside the store. What kind of clown? What type of clown?

A circus clown. Oh, wait. And she decided to run away and join the circus. And she became a very famous trapeze artist flying around in front of crowds touring Europe. We still gonna do the warmer colder thing? Or is it gonna... Freezing cold.

Freezing cold? What? As soon as you said... Like Earl Schwarzenegger? As soon as you said circus clown, it was negative 10 degrees. All right, someone else took a crack. He was a real buffoon.

You got to remember that. Has any of you ever tried crack? It's... You tried crack as a ghost? Yeah, I mean like... There's ghost crack? Cracks in windows, cracks in the pavement. Any crack?

Creaky crack? Crack wasn't around when she died. Okay, crack wasn't around. And it's not in any of the books she's read. I could give it a shot if we're just taking stabs at it. Please, that's spooky. The year is 1982. A little girl is looking for a costume

at Hollywood Toy and Costume. And which is of course in Hollywood. I would go down Wilcox, I think. You go down Wilcox from? From Hollywood, the Hollywood Highland area. Hollywood Highland, you'd make a ride on Franklin. Off of Franklin. Okay, got it.

Take a left by that little coffee shop. You know, from a bird's-eye view, we can do a straight line, we can get there. We're not doing bird's-eye views. We're not. No, we're getting there by car usually. Okay, car. As the crow flies, we're not talking about crow either, Jonah.

I know you're trying to get it in there. It's gonna be good. I was just chanted I would just put the blinkers on in like a yellow or a red zone and then just run in and try to get what I'm getting. Well, I don't know, that's dangerous on Hollywood Boulevard. It seems to me like there's a lot of parking enforcement out there. Oh yeah, you gotta take it quick.

Probably getting a ticket, but you know, if you're an eight-year-old, you ride your bike down there. You don't have to worry about cars. And then I'm assuming this clown, you know, this real jerk character. Real oaf. Real oaf, real asshole. It's doing some sort of side hustle. Did they call them side hustles back in 1982?

No, but I'll let it slide. If you can solve the murder and still use the phrase side hustle, that's okay with me. And it's sort of this side hustle of, you know, I don't know how much money you can make on the black market. Well, I can speak to that. I can speak to that. I can speak to that.

What's going on in the black market these days? Well. Is inflation as bad there? I can't talk to over white people well. What's going on in the black market, to be honest with you. It's kind of a secret, but anyway. Okay, well, and I think there's a moment where this clown thinks that they could make a buck or two selling, I don't know, organs.

And so, of course, they try to take Cynthia and along the way, she sort of falls out into a sewer. She falls out of the car into a sewer? Yeah, sort of like a Leslie Nielsen-esque naked gun moment of, okay. Just like bouncing around. Bouncing and then right into the... Thunk. Right into a sewer.

Right in there. And like maybe sliding into it. Yeah, a lot of grease. She's sort of greased up from some sort of Halloween costume. Like trying to get her Halloween costume on. Yeah, like in a scuba style and she shot up the building. Shot right into the scene. Is that, what do we think of Tim?

Well, I did say that it was the two things I gave you, the Halloween costume and the Hollywood reservoir, and you'd said sewer, so that is not a good answer. Yeah, disqualify it there. But you know the truth is that like, and the longer I've been a ghost, the happier I am to be here. I'm kind of dreading the day that somebody actually solves the case. Well, I mean, you've gotten to see so many things.

I mean, well, wait a minute, I've seen the same things. Because I'm a little bit older than you. So it's really not that great. I mean, the things I've seen kind of suck. The world's changing very quickly. I guess. Like what? Well, what's a ghost's perspective on the way the world is changing?

Okay, so there's a lot more screens now. So there's a lot more places to haunt. That's good for you. But people are so desensitized to the things that are showing up on the screens that it's really hard to scare people. Oh yeah, I can only imagine. Like after January 6th, nobody was scared of anything that I was doing for like a couple of months.

Yeah, it's like the real world is so terrifying. It got really bleak. Yeah. Did they skip you like an ad? Yeah. Just swipe you up. Yeah. So, you know, those are some of the major changes I've seen.

Just more screens? Yeah, more screens. You said like you said a lot of things and then. But turn out you just said the one. Well, in my head, I was actually imagining all of the screens. So there's something odd. Oh, yeah. No, so we were getting through all of those.

It's like, yeah, I understand. Well, you've been around for a long time. How do you feel like the world's changing? That's a dig. You're older than me. I'm just going to say. Bathina. Hey, bath salts to you.

Bath salts. Yeah. What about you? What do you think? I mean, the world has changed. So, I mean, 60 years old, you say? You're really going to volley the question to me. You've been around since 1962.

Yeah. Yeah. What's it to you, Scott? I mean, you saw John F. Kennedy? I saw John F. Kennedy in concert. What was he doing? Reading his famous speeches? Ask not, et cetera?

Yeah, ask not. Ask not. He closed with ask not. Oh, man. I would have killed him. And then on to a performance of it. Honestly, he did ask not like three times. We kept being like.

That's a, yeah, one hit wonders. That's what they do. They have to keep doing it. They do it at the beginning of the show and at the end of the show. Well, we cheered. We begged him to do it again. He did it again.

Yeah. He was great that way. Yeah. What's that? He was great that way. Yeah, yeah, good guy. He is a miserable ghost. He's around as a ghost?

Well, nobody solved his murder yet. So he's still, he's still around. So it wasn't either Oswald or Jack Ruby? Absolutely not. Whoa. Wait, wasn't Jack Ruby the guy that killed Oswald? Yeah, but I always thought he did. I had something to do with it.

He's fine. Oh, man. Those are a couple of clowns, if you ask me. Oh, real jerks. So clowns could be just assassins. Clown could be anything. Do you have a theory about? About what's happened to our girl, Cynthia?

Yeah. Okay. So she's eight years old trying to find a little costume goes to Hollywood. Are we close on that? Were you there to find a costume? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, was it almost Halloween?

Yeah. I would like for you to say warmer, warmer, warmer, colder. Okay, great, great. Okay. What, every word? Every two words? How often do you want this? As you see fit.

Okay. And so there they get a costume. You're looking, you're in. Okay, too much in this one. She doesn't use this to continue. She's a sexual ghost, too. Where's the warmer? And yeah, trying to find a little costume.

Okay, we said, but I said, but you don't have to. 30 times. Well, the warmers are not throwing me off. So actually just tell me at the end. Okay, okay. Okay, yeah, you're in the witch aisle because you're looking for, you want to be a witch. So you've got to.

Okay, now she's shaking her head. Oh, okay. Okay, colder. Okay, colder. Well, this is 1982. Okay, I don't, you know, I don't want to be an ET. It doesn't matter what. Well, no, you were looking.

Did you want to be an ET, dear? Yes. You wanted to be an ET because the movie was dropping June of that year. Okay. You wanted to be an ET. It was Halloween. Okay, great.

Understood. It dropped. How do you know when ET dropped? Because I Googled. You Googled? Wait, you were just Googling when ET dropped? I think I was texting my phone the whole time. I said, what happened in 1982?

Just what happened? What happened? What went wrong? What would you find out? I found that the Cynthia Blake was murdered. That's right. Brutal armor. Searching for a clown costume.

You stopped, you actual, this is where there's a little bit of a word plate going on here. Okay. You were looking for a clown costume and in that aisle was the clown, but not dressed as a circus clown, the jerk. Warmer. You thought he was,

you thought he actually worked there. You thought he was an employee. Because he's wearing a costume. Yes, yes, yes. You were tugging on his pant leg. You said, Mr., Mr., I'm trying to find a clown costume. Mr., Mr., also put out, there's some curiae liaison in 1982. And so you tugged on him.

He said, I don't work here. Beat it, kid. And then you were like Michael Jackson Thriller, 1982. You started doing the dance. You started doing the dance. You started doing the dance. It's like you were even there. And then, by the way, I didn't even,

I neglected to tell a certain part of the stories, which is that Cynthia Blake did ride her bike down. She actually took Selma. She took Selma? Selma on to Cherokee. On a bike? On a bike. Oh, that's dangerous.

That left, that's a hard left to make on a bike. On to Cherokee. She could have been a street ghost, if you know what I mean. I know, but she made it in. She made it in. Anyway, starts doing the Michael Jackson dance. This guy. Because the guy told her to beat it.

She starts doing the Michael Jackson. Oh, I get it. Free association. Actually, and she beat it. But she starts doing the Thriller dance and not the Beater dance. She had a future as an improviser, but this guy cut a life short.

Well, Halloween was coming up. She was, Halloween was approaching. So this guy, he told her to beat it. She started doing the dance. And then he was, yeah, exactly. He, who's, Warma? Warma. Okay.

So she starts doing the dance. He's getting kind of pissed off. Then he joins. But his dance. He's pissed off and he joins. He joins, because if you can't beat him. Totally can't beat it. But then he really can't beat it.

Oh. And he starts embarrassing himself. There's a clerk. A clerk comes, a clerk comes and is like, hers is better than yours. Oh, God, this is embarrassing. And he says, well, damn. Anyway, he pretends to be chill about it.

He goes, he goes. He pretends to be chill. But he's just dying inside. But then the clerk says, she asks the clerk, where's your clown costumes? Clerk points it out. The man who was in the aisle, the jerk, the jerk clown. Yeah, the jerk, yeah.

They, he sees it at the register. He says, hey, you know what, kid? I got to give it to you. Your beat it was better than mine. So he's accepted at this point. What's wild about this is in all the time that people have been trying to solve my murder, nobody's actually figured out the conversation

tab on the day. Yeah. You'll beat it. She's dead on at this point. So far, accurate. Your beat it is better than mine. All right? OK.

And so he sees, she's riding a bike. He says, that's a, wait, how'd you get here? She says, I took Selma, turned on Cherokee. He says, that's a hard life. You're going to end up dead. And what did she know? That sounded like a protective statement. But really, he was going to kill her.

What? He, the clown killed her? Jerk, the jerk clown. The jerk clown? The jerk clown. I never saw this coming. He was like, you know what, what do you say? I've got a pickup truck.

Why don't you throw your bike in the bed of my truck? I will drive you wherever you're headed. She says to him, I live, well, yeah. Well, she says, she lives in Palms. Palms? Palms? Marvista. Marvista.

She drove her bike to Hollywood. Are they taking Toy and Costume? Serpa Street's back at what time of day is this? Yeah. This is, yeah. Well, I don't want to guess time of day, because God forbid I get colder. OK.

So far, you're just, yeah, you're incredibly hot. I'm steaming hot. Thank you, finally, you've acknowledged me, Scott. So. Head down. Throw us a drink. I'm not going to do that. You, you bend over.

I'll bend down when you bend over. Anyway, he drives her to, he starts, he starts to pretend he does a fake out. He actually does. He does a fake out on the driving? Where are you getting the tin? For me, she turns it around. You have a gift for this.

He pretends he's heading west on Hollywood. How does he do the fake out? He just acts like he puts on the turn signal. He acts like he turned? He's going to turn. And went left? Left, exactly. He acts like he's turned.

That's a risky maneuver. He puts on the turn signal. She's like, doot, doot, doot. She's not paying attention. Because she thinks she's heading home. He doesn't, makes a sharp right, heads to the reservoir, dumps it in there. She's dead, done.

It's a done deal. No one ever hears from her or him again. She drowns. And all because she did the beat it dance better than him? Better than the guy. And the tugging on his pants. They were silk. Oh, that's, I mean, they were silk pants.

They were silk pants. I get it. Well. Am I cold or what? Cynthia? I'm free. You can be honest. Everyone inhaled, but I exhaled.

All I need to do is ride home with you and get thrown into your pool and then I can go home. Oh, well here's the thing. I took a Uber. I took a Uber. It's not an Uber pool. It's not an Uber pool. Yeah.

I mean, going to a pool, which is the ironic part. I am. Can any of you give this young lady a ride? I mean, I rode my bike here. I'm looking for a Falcon for probably a couple hours after this. 30 hours, yeah. 30. Okay, so.

Well, that's okay. That's okay. It's been 40 years. What's another 40? 40 for 40. Certainly somebody who's listening to the show or perhaps watches yours will hear about this and they'll be able to return me to your pool.

Yeah. Or if you have any of this Hollywood Reservoir pool from the 80s, any of the water from it. I'm a goat. I mean, water just, I can't. What are you like? Well, I think it's just stupid. Can you imagine like a ghost carrying a cup around?

No, I'm saying if a listener has some water. Oh, oh yeah. That would work. How about you get it in this DVD copy I have of Ghost in the Machine and then if she could take it home with her in the Uber, it'll be a lot easier. Yeah, would that work out? I mean, how do you have that copy of Ghost in the Machine?

Why are you getting it? Hello, Ghost in the Machine. Are you doing that movie for whatever your show's called? It's called Mr. Science Theatre 3000 and I would love to do Ghost in the Machine. You'd love to do it. Some of the movies we've got are Munchy, Dom Del Louise does a voice in it.

There's a lot of fun movies we're doing. Okay, so I hop in on DVD. Do you have a DVD player? I do have a DVD player, but here's the thing. It's why I'm taking the DVD there to my house. It's a big ass. It's a big ass. It's not, it's a, everyone will look, you'll look.

Everyone's going to look at you like white. You know what's going to see me because I'm going to be in an Uber. And I also have a... But you have a talking point with the Uber driver? I won't know. My suitcase is already 49 pounds. Oh, wow. And if I put anywhere before you get an Uber,

I'm going to try to access it. Also, if someone were to, if you were to see someone walking down the street with a DVD in their hands, well, you would think they were... Who's this fucking jerk off? Yeah, exactly. No, no, no. But like, but if it's ghosts in the machine, then...

Okay, I don't know. Can you tell what it is from just a loose DVD? Is it like both sides, like standard format and uh... Oh, is it dual disk? No, you just put it on your finger and then you just kind of, but you have... If you saw someone walking down the street with a DVD or in their finger,

their finger in the hole in the center of a DVD. What, am I going to smudge the back of the DVD, you idiot? I don't know. I don't know. I think you, I think you would think they're a weirdo, you know? I mean, yes. Again, maybe if it was any other movie besides Ghost in the Machine, it would be like, who's this weirdo?

Oh, shit, never mind. Can you travel from screen to screen, though? Yes, yeah, but you have to, you have to turn it on and, you know, hope I'm not there and then I... Oh, is there the hoping you're not there as part of it? Right, so I think that's prohibitive in this case, because you'd be clearly hoping I was there so that we could return.

Oh, yeah. Although maybe you're not hoping that she's there. I'm kind of hoping she's not there, because I do enjoy my Bruce Chris commercials without interruptions. But come on, maybe this is the first case you finally close. I've made so much money not closing cases.

But this is like a zero loss. How often are you dining at Ruth's Chris? I eat at Ruth's Chris at least four times a week. Four times a week. The manager knows me. How are your arteries, by the way? How's your cholesterol? They're big.

They're big. The cholesterol is big as well. Yeah, yeah. Well, Cynthia, gosh, I wish we could help you out. Yeah, I was really close this time. I'm really glad we solved your murder, though. I never saw that coming. The clown did it.

Yeah. Crazy. Yeah. And if I had gone back into my pool of water, you probably would have seen the empty tank, the black E. See, I don't want the tank. On the what? On the pickup truck.

Like you would have zoomed in on it. Oh, oh. That's what her last name, Blackie. Oh, oh, oh. Is your last name Blackie or Blake? Because I said it Blake. But I'm looking at it now. Is it Blackie?

Okay, well, look, we're running out of time. We just have time for one final feature on the show. It's a little something that we call plugs. Oh, that was please tell us by a shiny object. Thanks to a shiny object. We've had a lot of songs from a shiny object. That one was really nice. Well, what are we plugging guys?

Obviously, Jonah. Mystery. Mystery Science. Mystery Science Theater. Mystery Science Theater 3000. 3000. And all the episodes are out. No, just that we're putting them out once a month in the platform.

And people can. Yeah, you can like. How do you download an app? You go to the app store. Wait, what? Yeah, how do you download an app? Yeah, oh, yeah. Okay, great.

Yeah, no, it's like you go to the app store. Yeah, this is a question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go to the app store and then you just search MST3K. Can you just do it for me? No, but then. All right, Tim Bullock, what do we want to plug? I want to plug a podcast I listen to while sprinting around town

looking for my Falcon. You listen to this while you're looking for your. So in these breaks that you take it. I'm not going to hear the Falcon. You were listening to other podcasts while we were waiting for you to come back during the breaks. Yeah, it'd take 30 minutes to listen to a different chunks of a podcast.

Okay, I don't know. Which podcast is this? It's called Rotating Heroes Podcast. It's on Patreon. It's short D&D arcs. Last one just had Dan Lippard and Rekha Shankar and Jacob Waissaki. Oh, good people playing Dungeons and Dragons. Dungeons and Dragons, yes.

Okay, sounds pretty cool. Hey, it's awesome. Okay, and bath salts. What do you want to plug here? Divorce. The concept of divorce. The concept of divorce. Get into it.

Get in there. What do you think about a guy like me? You should do it. You think so? You should do it. I don't know. You should do it. Go for it.

I kind of feel all in at this point. Give me a retainer. Give me a retainer. You're wearing a retainer, by the way, too. Is that what you're talking about? I can't imagine I speak so well with it, no list. Because I wear it every day. I wear it every day.

I got my braces off in 1991. Oh, really? When you were 30. Do the math. Do the math. 29 or something. Sure. Interesting.

And nothing else? No, I don't watch TV. So if you're trying to ask me to plug a TV show, I'm not going to do it. There was this show that Elon Musk hosted. Twitter. No, no, no. OK.

But was he cool, do you think? He hosted a show, a talk show. It was like a talk show. Yeah, because there was a lot of talking on it, if that's what you're talking about. But did he sit down and interview people? I don't know. I can't remember, really.

No idea what you're talking about. All right. Interesting. OK. Although I do know he played Mario, which is a person, or Wario. Wario. Wario, who's on a video game.

I don't know that. Yeah. I don't know. Cynthia Blake, what do you want to plug? Speaking of video games. Well, yeah, I can listen to podcasts because they don't appear on a screen, unless somebody's staring at the screen

while listening to the podcast. Oh, that's ironic. Yeah, no. But are they checking Twitter while they listen to a podcast? What if that's happening? That's rough, because then I'm on their Twitter, but I can't see their Twitter.

I can only look at them. Oh, god, this is too complicated. Yeah. But you have heard podcasts? I have heard podcasts. I really like this one that's on the same network called Get Played. It's a video game podcast with three real losers,

but they're lovable. And yeah, that would be the thing. I would plug that and your bathtub so that I can appear in the water. Oh, good. Yeah, fantastic. Well, I want to plug, hey, I mentioned it last week, and Comedy Bang Bang going on tour

the entire month of August. We'll be out there going to a city near you. I don't know if I have any information about that, as of this recording. But maybe the information is out there, or it's coming very, very soon. So look for us and just basically block out all of August for us.

And I know we're only going to be in whatever town you're in for one day, but don't make any plans for August yet. Also, I want to plug, obviously, CBBworld.com. We have some great, great shows out there. We just did a new episode of Hey, Randy with Randy Snuts. He has his own show. And of course, this book changed my life

with Lily Sullivan. She's doing a monthly show. And Full Throttle with Bob Duka. That was the third episode of that was quite a ride. So go check out CBBworld.com. If you subscribe for a year, you get two months free. And it has all the archives of this show and all ad-free episodes.

All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Can you sing the beginning of that song? Take one hand, put it up, take the other, put it down. You're going to make a box. It's time to start to close it, but don't close it too much. Or you open up the plug bag, but open it up the plug bag. And when you open up that plug bag, you open up your heart for the rest of the world.

I'm talking, open up the plug bag. I open up the plug bag. Open up the plug bag as always as you can. Then you open up your heart. The connection is made. Open up the plug bag. Wow, amazing. Did I sing that in perfect pitch?

I think so. Crazy. A connection is made by Elastoclaude. Thank you so much for that, boy. Great work on that, combining two different episodes, people singing on two different episodes. Guys, I want to thank you so much, Jonah. Always great to see you and what an honor to have you

as the inaugural guest on the Comedy Bang Bang interview. Do you feel you learned anything from that segment? You have three episodes out already, I believe, and there's some sort of an app that... I don't know how to download, but you'll do that for me when we're done. Cynthia Blake. No, yes, Cynthia Blake.

I looked at you, but I'm not you. Cynthia Blake, it's great to... Hello, Cynthia, are you all right? Are you okay? What's going on? I was trying to will myself to one of those pools and it just wasn't working. Oh, yeah. Maybe if someone set up a projector outside the pool.

What? You know, like some sort of a screen and a DVD projector or something like that. What do you think about this, bath salts? Maybe you could set out an outdoor home theater? I'm not technically savvy, but if any of you want to come over and do that, I'm open to it. Maybe the geek squad could come over.

Do you work with the geek squad a lot? Are you in constant contact with them, Cynthia? I know a lot of those guys by name, yeah. There's James. Oh, yeah. There's probably a Jack, just like Jack Bauer. Or Jack Shepherd. Was that his name?

Yeah, Jack Shepherd. You know what's interesting about that show is he was almost like a shepherd leading all the people on the island to heaven eventually. Yeah. Yeah, spoiler. I never saw it. I couldn't watch it. Oh, did you? You never got to see the final episode?

No, I didn't. Don't bother. Okay. And Tim Bullock, what more can be said? I mean, just keep your eyes peeled. Keep your eye on the sky. If you're a listener out there, if you see a hawk, what do you suggest they do?

Yo, to me, Aphrodite, make sure you have a very thick leather glove on. They're very expensive. Maybe dipped in falcon semen. Dipped in falcon semen, for sure. Okay. And do you want me to help out with you here? Yeah.

If you've got 30 minutes out for this to just walk around. Just 30 minutes to walk around. Do you think we'll see any kites or anything like that? I can only hope and just have some nice conversations out there. Okay, great. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye.