Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Kevin Nealon, Ryan Rosenberg, Dave Theune

Episode Date: October 24, 2022

Comedian, author, and SNL alum Kevin Nealon joins Scott to talk about his new book “I Exaggerate: My Brushes with Fame,” what parts of his body have been replaced, and tries to have a serious conversation. Then, umpire coach Donald Ump stops by to talk about teaching how to ump. Plus, attorney Robby Delmuda returns to talk about being framed for tax evasion.

my dark night of the soul was a darker night for my toilet bowl welcome to comedy bang bang for another week and a week in the middle of October probably the spookiest month of all if I had to rank the months in terms of spookiness October's up there definitely um that's probably number one I would say November though I don't know oh and those ghosts of Christmas past present and future in December all right that's number one that's terrifying then October this is number two we have a great episode for you today by the way my name is Scott Ackerman we have some wonderful guests coming up a little later we have an attorney we also have a coach who I wonder if it's coach what was his name again actual coach

what was that what was that guy's name he played he was in one of those Pixar movies Mr. Incredible with my beloved Miss Incredible elastic girl we also have a comedian of note and an author and I'm looking at him right now and why don't I just bring him on to the show he he's the person I'm looking at that's primarily what he's known for nope he's not behind you I'm looking right at you you're next he is one of the original cast members of Saturday Night Live no that's not true feels like it though doesn't it it does it feels like pre-original before before SNL was even a thing you were there well Scott the original cast members were Chris John Belushi Chevy Chase Gilda Radnor like Josh Radnor's sister Kristen Wake you know those

people but um I was like um following I was maybe two or three casts after that yeah this is back on the 1900s right yeah exactly like 1902 1903 yeah just pre-pre prohibition wasn't it it was but can I back up for one second yeah please um you said October was the scariest month yeah as a child but as you get older you know it's the most scariest month April April 15th tell me about it right and also Easter it when it lands because like that dude got killed and then suddenly he's a ghost well apparently I mean that's what they say yeah that's what they say it feels like an apocryphal story if you believe a book that was written maybe maybe 2000 years and hundreds of years after this guy died yeah I mean it just it feels like a weird tale but yeah you're right April is

just terrifying yeah yeah and also may when you haven't filed your taxes and they come after you and they sue you and arrest you do you know what I heard during the pandemic what's that a lot of a lot of coughing yeah there was a lot of people that were had allergies I guess and a lot of people that didn't believe there was allergies but um the IRS didn't really come out of a lot of people come after a lot of people during that time because they were of course protecting themselves and right staying away from people so yeah they were a good time you cheated on your taxes that's a good idea exactly yeah although are they moving backwards now and going like okay we gave you a break you know what I stopped working for the IRS so I don't really know their schedule by the way

there is no law that says you have to pay taxes that's right it's not a government thing yeah it's not a government thing it's we just agree to do it no stop paying taxes that's why I'm here to tell everyone you know I'll be honest with you I thought that was the case where it wasn't a government institution but then somebody said well actually it is oh we did okay I've changed my mind yeah but then they said no then they said no it's not they said no again yeah okay I'm back to but ultimately they settled in yes it was I don't know what to think anymore I know isn't that true he's one of the original cast members of Saturday Night Live back in 1902 he is of course an author now his new book I exaggerate comes out this week October 25th uh anywhere books are sold or given

away or only books that are fantastic books are fantastic books yeah fine books yeah who published this this is published by Abrams publishing Abrams interesting and it was written by me Kevin Nealon Kevin Nealon is here hi Kevin all right take it easy everybody um it's actually it's called hands up it's called I exaggerate is that like iRobot no it's I exaggerate my brushes with fame so it's kind of a play on words there I paint these famous people that are most of them are a lot of my friends of mine and then I write a little antidote about them interesting Chris Farley David Carvey um um let's see who else you're struggling to think of a third person and you wrote the book well I'm I'm not a mind reader I can't read my own mind it's a good point

what do you have psychic powers ESP that doesn't exist yeah I got the book right here I'll just do it I got Chris for walk in what cowbell Steve Martin so that's Steve Martin that looks like Fauci oh Steve Martin looks like Fauci I'm just Buzz Aldrin that looks like Fauci too no but you're friends with Buzz Aldrin Jim Carrey uh Andy Kaufman met your friends with him I was were you really were you a contemporary of his take it easy take it easy I'll calm down did you did you do clubs and stuff I was you know when I first moved to LA um when I was a lad of 25 26 years old I used to bartend at the improvisation for a couple years and I used to hang out there so I'd see all the comics come in from Rob Williams to Andy Kaufman Steve Martin you know

anybody who was coming in there and I was in awe because I wanted to be a stand-up and I was doing open mic nights and Andy Kaufman would come in and I used to love him he was one of the guys that influenced me him Steve Martin and Scott Ackerman those three oh my god thank you so much yeah did I influence you to do to do what though to do you influence me not to get into the business oh okay yeah but you know you have to have a little bit of both yeah that was an influence and you decided to overcome that influence yeah yeah so um so anyway I would see him come in and out I was intimidated by him and one day uh near the end of his life he came in uh with just a mohawk haircut it was a glue on mohawk because he was going through cancer not so funny anymore is it

and I mean I'm still laughing but black leather jacket but I have a dark sense of humor by the way oh don't we all oh man like it's like Danny DeVito who directed throw mama from the train that's how dark my sense of humor is so anyway um you know maybe a year or two after I started working there I saw him and I knew he was into uh transcendental meditation tm as they call tm yeah short and so I I ate him asked him short for that if uh I asked him about that outside and I knew he liked it and he talked about so I knew that was a way to kind of you know connect with him connect with him and uh break the ice so he talked about it for like a half hour with me never really letting me kind of interject anything and I just I didn't even listen to him it was outside on the street

in front of the improv I just looked at his face and I could hear him like in a distance go well you know and then the transcendental meditation and you know and I'm just looking at the moles on his face I'm trying to connect them all I see any coffin right there I don't know what he's talking about but I really feel relaxed right now this is how I feel right now listening to you you did yeah I do can I just tell you you're playing with a magic marker too yeah exactly not funny how you remember things like that yeah is that the same one I believe it's the same one and last time you were on the show by the way you are our second guest on the you were on our second episode but last time you were on the show you yawned during the entire show what does that mean though

what what is the insecure person think that means it it said to me that you were not enjoying it but in retrospect you were probably just well let me tell you what it means in retrospect I was not yawning I was trying to get a word in edgewise so every time I open my mouth you I was like hey and you were just cut me off so let's take a break we'll be back after we'll be right back so Andy Coffin did you then start to do transcendental meditation or I did not right right not right then I started doing it about 10 years ago and how was that it's great are you still doing it I'm in it right now have you been continuously doing it for 10 years doing it right now I do it like twice I don't do it every day uh it's supposed to do it twice a day twice a day

and how long are you supposed to do it 20 minutes a session and I don't do that every day I I did one day I mean 10 years ago no I I try to do it as much as I can like just like when I can't sleep at night I do it like last night I did it oh really and it put me right out so I don't have trouble getting to sleep so waking up it's yeah I have trouble waking up every single day you're so lucky are you awake now I'm not sure but my wife has to shake me and say wake up wake up really yeah she has to get the defibrillator out and you fall asleep easily yeah I fall asleep very easily is it because of the alcohol or oh yeah definitely of course it's just waking up in the middle of the night that's my issue and how often do you go to the bathroom uh a day or in the middle of the

night a year probably five five times wow you're like a camel do you still standing up does a camel store it all in the humps is that what makes them no no no they have those little ecological green like canisters they keep in it around the night oh they do yeah um I said how much off do you five times a night you think five times a night uh no no I wake up probably after six hours of sleep every single night no matter what time it is be it four in the morning five in the morning and then I'm up for about an hour uh playing uh oh my god you're yawning no I'm just trying to get a word in trying to get a word in get your word in please um well that's not that's you sleep like a five-year-old oh thank you is that a compliment I can't quite tell I mean you're not

a diaper still right you know diapers I'm I well no not yet I see I don't get a ball because I wear diapers that night take a break and we're back ladies and gentlemen you just joined us I'm talking with Scott Ackerman Kevin you uh this book I exaggerate uh you you know it is a book it is a book right it has pages oh okay yes your book uh uh is it just people you've met or have you drawn people that you'd like to meet and you tell anecdotes about them or that's a good question it's both it's both it's people that I've known and I know and people that uh I've met briefly or people that I've heard about or I'm a fan about like Freddie Mercury I've always been a queen fan but you've never met him I've never met him you gotta meet him no no but um I do have a replica

of his teeth you do yeah from from why did he make a replica is that I made the replica he was on my show and he was yawning and I stuck some clay in there and I got a quick little imprint because you know who was that woman the plaster caster woman who made replica the plastered penises of all the rock stars oh I don't know about that I think I would be more tempted to do Freddie Mercury's teeth than his actual you know it's a good idea that's a good idea I believe kiss wrote the song plaster caster about her I didn't know that she did Jimi Hendrix she did everyone after you do Jimi Hendrix there's no point in anyone else doing it you know that's true I mean there's some people in this book Scott that you wouldn't think of that I'd met but I did

I used to go a lot of Carrie Fisher parties oh really she's in a two yeah so these are the the parties back in the 80s or the 70s 80s and 90s yeah you know she was a notorious partier actually in the 2000s too oh really yeah she wasn't so much a partier but she was back in the day she had a lot of parties at her home on Coldwater Canyon and it was I mean the people that you saw there everyone from Harrison Ford to authors you're just naming Star Wars people right at Chewbacca C-3PO Waddo Mickey Mouse oh no he wasn't but yeah it was crazy so I got up off the couch once at one of her parties and I turned and there's Elizabeth Taylor whoa old violet eyes herself yeah yeah yeah and I just immediately said to her I said hi Liz how are you like I was you know

like a longtime friend she goes oh I'm all right I'm having back problems now you never want to ask somebody over 70 how they're doing you know and so she went on about her back and I said you know Liz I used to get back problems too and and I said do you try ice and she goes oh honey I don't do ice I do frozen peas I said just one or you know you should know the whole bag and because they conform to your body your body whatever bone it's on and you just put it right on there and I thought that's a good idea so I went home I got a bag of peas because I am always like hurting something because I'm quite an athlete did you not have peas before that no it was just ice cubes yeah but I mean you didn't even keep peas in the house are you not a pea guy in our

culture we don't eat peas right yeah so now I'm yawning I was sleeping they said this would wake me up this show but I don't know I'm not quite sure at this point so anyway yeah we are taping this to be fair we're taping this at four in the morning because I woke up and I called everyone together I keep my house peas I keep my house peas good and I so I always had a bag of peas in there and I use it all the time I've been in a block of ice or peas for the last 25 years yeah what's going on with you you're a basketball player yeah you are of course an athlete that's how you started yeah still professionally too yeah exactly you did uh snl the the the good part was he was snl was technically my peas the off season in between basketball right that was actually you're right

you're right about that that was just a side thing for me to do yeah um because I was actually playing a lot of sports but so yeah I've had these peas I would had I had one same bag of peas for a long time that I kept in my freezer I may be for like five years and I called it my elizabeth you know like uh the wilson for uh hanks right and castaway and uh one time I uh my mother-in-law came over she made us all dinner and I came in there and I see peas in the bowl oh no I get these peas from she saw they're in the freezer I mean the bat you can't even read that they're peas anymore because the label has been worn off and there's been gay you know all on it I said the peas taste a little minty you know because yeah it was from the uh freezer I said no not my elizabeth

not my back peas yeah so I had to get uh I switched the corn for a while oh really but that was it's a little too pointy it was just like an affair that's all it was yeah exactly so you you have your peas my peas take me back yeah now they have these ice packs though that can conform to your body and they're like ice gels I use those now yeah no more peas I've had a lot of joints replaced no kidding really yeah I had this knee replaced about four weeks ago four weeks ago looks good it looks a little bulky actually well that's the case I put around it oh I see oh it comes in the case yeah it's an old guitar case is it mint condition it's got mint some peas in there yeah all kind of callbacks it's SNL original cast is in there yeah we got the ump and the referee

and the gardener what what other what other I mean you're you're stroking your knee right now what else what else have you had replaced you tell me okay true or false true or false okay I had my tibula replaced can I can I take a look at it yeah I'm gonna say just because you know the word tibula true well first of all the tibula is in the arm not the left you already threw me and I only knew that when I started thinking about it okay damn it but that is true oh it is true no I had um six years ago by the way I went to my uh I'll get back to this in a couple hours but um I went to get uh physical because I had a my have my knee replaced once you get a physical before that and uh because if they figure you're not gonna live why do it

you know right so um you sit in the dock have you ever had a physical uh yeah you usually try to get them once a year yeah you try to yeah yes and so I sit you sit in their office and he looks at his computer screen he's going over your history and he's looking at mine and he's scrolling down the computer screen he says okay you had a hernia on your seven uh appendicitis you had a tumor in your neck removed your 21 benign tumor you had um you had an ablation of your heart you had a torn bicep muscles repaired you had a hip replacement I said okay all right I think that's enough you know I think I'm so depressed hearing it all then he goes on to the medications okay you're taking um entropolol you're taking um synthroid it's like an hour ago it was like a grocery list for a

family of 10 how many pills do you take a day 10 10 10 a day that's just 10 prescription pills then I take like the vitamins vitamins and then I have five placebo's I take good which I would not get rid of them at all yeah of course yeah because I have some diseases that don't exist that are killing me are you good like I am of like uh I've reached a certain age where now I'm I'm an expert at pouring out exactly seven pills from a bottle in order to put into the pill yeah you kind of estimate yeah and then you go down how many pill boxes do you fill up at once I just do one at a time you want to keep them fresh yeah I can't always yeah I do the whole year really do you label them 52 pill 52 pill boxes um no I don't but I have so many I have to get a bigger pill box because

the one I have now is not big enough I have to sit on it like a suitcase to close it yeah and uh I'm just trying to cut down though I'm getting rid of some if somebody prescribes like a new medication for me I have to get rid of something that's in the pill box yeah yeah it's like take a penny leave a penny yeah I'll switch out a um you know a diaphragm I'm gonna get it up a diaphragm for a uh synthesis just you know are these synth synthroids synthroids you mentioned before what is that for oh for the thyroid and it synthesizes thyroid activity is what I'm guessing you know what I'm not really a doctor oh you're not I'm an honorary doctor you are wearing a doctor's outfit right now which I thought was very weird you have the big uh it's like a radar dish on your head

that's the pandemic stuff still oh okay yeah you also have a t-shirt that says fbi federal booty inspector yes that is actually correct um but anyway let's go back to the three choices yeah true or false okay so you know I have the knee I know you have the knee you have two others or you have three just one of the knee okay and then I have two other joints that I had to replace okay okay ankle true or false I'm going through that myself right now um I'm gonna take a look at that and you're you're featuring that foot which leads me to believe it's the other one so you're saying it's true ankle um all right I'm moving on a false okay you're gonna give me a little more time than this I was gonna say false though right joints replaced eyeball socket eyeball socket god this

one seems like it's true but a whole soft it's false okay okay left hip that one's true right hip right here damn it yeah well wait I thought you meant left to me my left hip no like if I'm looking at stage a stage left oh stage oh that's right so it's upstage hip yeah okay got it right shoulder false true true I'm bad at this game so tell me the ones that are replaced okay so you have the right shoulder you have the right hip and you have the right knee yeah so all on that side what's going on on that side I'm ready to play football in college seriously and I was a kicker and you would in the quarterback in the punter so everything was happening in one game every game so you would throw it yeah and then you would kick the ball after you threw it

well when we got we when we made a touchdown we'll go to the other end I punt the ball sure hard kick it and uh and what happened was I always want to play football and I never played in high school because we moved a lot and um and but we played a lot of sand lot of football in my neighborhood that was good that was good no refs no refs because we played these gangs from across town on the football field when the high school is where he is in it that's where you want to do it on the football field not in the not in the streets so so my friend Bill Brackett he was it was a fireman after that he says Kev we can go to Fairfleet University and we could take one night course three credits say in criminology and we that'll qualify us to play in their club

football team why did he bring up criminology because most people say what credit what course did you take like English or something that would be the why I went to college already I had all that stuff right so you wanted to take criminology I wanted to play football right I didn't care what I tell you want to be a football playing criminologist yeah I wanted to find out if there's any criminals on the team and we're there yeah they're all criminals um but anyway so I did that for a year the starting quarterback got hurt so I got to play I only went to three criminology classes what did you learn in those three do anything that you still use it's not important to go to criminology classes oh I see wow anyway fingerprinting no they don't do fingerprinting

anymore did you know that really they don't it seems like I do it anytime I have to sign a document or whatever maybe I'm thinking about something else okay taxes I'm thinking about taxes all right we're like like stoners man we're just sitting here we're just no there's no like through line for anything welcome to comedy bang bang my book is coming out tomorrow actually oh that's right 25th wait let's go I exaggerate my brushes with fame I know but did you ever finish your your football stuff because you were talking about your right side and why you well it's funny you should say that because that's in the book it is in the book it's not it's not in the book this is the book see I don't mean to criticize your book that's out but this is the book you know talking about your

your right hand side life is the book life is the book and it never ends until one day suddenly in the middle of a chapter done yeah all right getting back to the football I played the full season got MVP um most valuable person person excuse me what's going on with your three yeah we have a spittoon over here you just want to the CVB spittoon so anyway my goal so the next year I came back I would keep going back there they never said anything and I guess some jealous football players some of the team that weren't playing that much said hey man you know this isn't fair so they changed the 12 credits you gotta take 12 credits oh so I signed up for so I signed up for uh four criminology classes that night simultaneously simultaneously can you

say a lot of people don't know you can do that yeah you just to get 12 credits you can sign up for the same class four times yeah and just take them all at the same time yeah it's crazy so here's my plan Scott sorry I said I I thought I'm gonna go to LA because I wanted to stand up comedy right but also I want to I want to kick I want to be trial for kicker for the LA Express as a part of the USFL at the time oh right yeah so that was my goal so if I became a comic that would be my hook here he is he's a comedian but he's also the kicker for the Los Angeles Rams or LA Express it sounds horrible but yeah I went out and I bought like eight USFL footballs it was a different league at the time there's two different leagues and they're a little bit lighter footballs and were they

bigger or smaller they're about the same size and I go to Fairfax High and I would practice kicking like for an hour a day and I thought this is gonna be great man and but my stand-up took off quicker and right so that's so strange that stand-up would take off quicker than just going and getting a tryout for a USFL team yeah yeah but you were such a good stand-up that it just you skyrocketed to well I would go to Fairfax High every day with my stand-up and just work it out on the field right there yeah were the the red hot chili peppers famously formed there were they there at the time they were but another true or false I was on an airplane once with Anthony Jesus yeah I'm gonna say I'm gonna say false true what no he was flying the plane whoa

incredible that's false that's false okay all right so Kevin this book is filled with stories like this which may be true may not be true oh you keep going back to the book all right do you attest that everything in this book is true will will you sign a legal document I haven't read it yet but I would expect it to be true yeah it is all true everything is true do you have a ghost writer at all no no but I do you know I should also do people on airplanes oh wow what do we have here is that Bill Clinton no no it's a guy with his dog oh but these are all people you know hang on let me take a look maybe it is Bill Clinton maybe he had his dog on the flight that is Bill Clinton I didn't know he's on my face but I have like I said Buzz Aldrin

have you ever met Buzz Buzz Aldrin I well where would I have met Buzz Aldrin well I met him on a beach in Mexico so you could have met him anywhere okay that's true maybe I'll start hanging out at beaches and I recognize him was he wearing the spacesuit he was actually and he was on the moon and you waved to him come down here and they have Mexican beaches on the moon I did not know that I didn't know there was a Mexican territory there so I recognize him and I go over to him I say Buzz he goes yeah I go oh my god I'm I'm like not a fan but you can't really be a fan of an astronaut I don't I follow all your moon landings you know but anyway I said I know who you are

and I said were you ever like scared that you weren't you wouldn't get off the moon you'd be stuck there yeah and he looked at me he goes what are you a wise guy I thought why am I a wise guy I didn't say that but I'm thinking what you know why am I a wise guy I said I'm just curious I said no I'm just curious because I you know if I were on the moon and there's only one way to get off I'd be a little nervous hoping he goes why wouldn't the thing work I said well sometimes I get into my car it doesn't work and then he realized that I was serious and he goes well you know we did get into the lunar module and we saw a little fuse was sticking out and so we just called Houston they said push it back

in I said okay good talking to you buzz you walked away shaking your head what a weirdo what I mean yeah I would think that okay say the say the the what did he ride there in like a spaceship or whatever there's a lunar module lunar module say that doesn't work what does he like call home and go like can you send another one that's the thing does he have enough rations no no no he dies there right they no they don't die there they have the courtyard Marriott's or oh okay so they would say in a courtyard Marriott and did anybody ever tell you are you ever serious because I get that a lot yeah I I think we were in a race to say it to each other or sometimes this happened to you you'll be telling

some somebody something serious and they're looking for the punchline right yeah it's like I I don't know when you're telling a joke are you and this is what happened with buzz because he he probably being an original snl fan uh fan of the original not a fan he was one of the cast members he was a lot of he did update didn't he did update and also he did the uh Rosanna bandana character a lot of makeup let's just try to have one real serious conversation okay let's have a real serious conversation here the book comes out I'll just show you another picture here are you worried about it coming out so close to halloween there's freddy mercury there he is no in fact I'm glad you said that candies are not healthy about candy is not healthy for kids give out my book yeah

people will remember that halloween forever and guess what you know what else is coming up after that hanukkah christmas right all those other holidays what a great gift look at it it's not a big coffee table book either it's uh i'm not a good job you don't have to have a huge table in order to display this book you don't have to have a coffee table yeah you don't even have to like coffee you don't have to have any tables you can put this on the floor you can put it on the floor you can just stomp all over it can we try again to have a serious conversation here we go well i i am looking forward to reading this book you don't have a copy for me so i don't know how i'll ever get there but uh tell me who that is that's matt leblanc is it not yes it is

i worked with him for four years on a show called man with a plan what is that what is it yeah it's a television show they have them on those uh you're lying right this is all behind you this is a lie right now okay let's start off let's start off i'm going to start the conversation okay because you seem to always take in the direction that there's kary fischer there she is yeah those uh signature glasses of course that's the closing on scott's penis right there my penis i don't know why he's shaking his hand because that's why i like to touch my penis with all right here we go you're right let's try it right here we go serious how are you scott i'm doing well i'm happy uh yeah generally yeah thank you so much are you are you happy i you know i've known you a long time thank you

for caring about it okay we can't do it feels false we had a semi-serious conversation before i mean it lasted maybe three sentences i asked about your wife who i know yeah and you said she was good and we said okay well let me follow up with this one okay do you know cpr i do you do really yes i do do you need some how much you have i have maybe 30 counts plus a couple of breaths when i the first time i did your show was your second show second show wasn't i dressed up like a postman or something you had me dressed up like a post oh no that was the tell of it that was the television show i mean i'm at the podcast you were on the second episode of the podcast but yes actually you were dressed as a postman uh on the comedy bang bang television show you were uh delivering mail in a sketch for

us and uh you were kind enough to do that and uh yeah that was a big thrill for us that day we watched around saying kevin's coming did you date a lot in high school uh no because you didn't go to yeah i dated a lot in the high school years of course i was just like railing chicks from 14 to 18 but i just was not in high school come on let's try to be serious come on did you well why do you ask if i dated a lot in high school because i didn't i did not you did not you were and you were an athlete not in high school not in high school what were you doing ever had i was an athlete what were you doing in high school then i was just going to school and scared really yeah because i i was a late bloomer i was five eight when i graduated from high school you were because

you're so tall now you're six four now yeah and um i weighed about 180 so i had some baby fat on me and i was very shy no facial hair or body hair and you know even on the above the uh nowhere not even under the toenails wow and i go in the locker room and i was like a baby seal and i'd see all these guys are like men you know their voices have changed yeah and they're full beards full beards um they're they're wearing business suits they're they have brief cases they're going to the office they got kids in the locker room with them um so anyway um i was a little intimidated by that and um and these guys these girls are always going out with those guys that are older too you know nice girls they had to suit up cars that's the thing high school girls

go out with college guys so that's why when you're in high school you have to go out with junior high school girls no take it easy no take it easy so what are your thoughts about death well uh i don't think i'm gonna do it i've decided i'm just gonna i'm gonna give it a pass you know yeah what about you you know the older i get the less uh afraid i am of it yeah um and the older i get the less i think i'll even know that i died yeah that's the thing i i don't want anyone to tell me if i've died nobody will no yeah you know i just want i just wanted to happen are you afraid you're gonna miss stuff that's that's the thing that i i worry about like i don't want to i want to be there for this i want to be there for this no i mainly

tell you about marvel movies that have been announced i'll tell you why i'm not no foma for death because uh when i was born all this stuff happened before me yeah i didn't miss out on that you've heard about it at this point yeah yeah scott i gotta take another break here and when we come back let's talk more about death and let's talk about life yeah and everything in between living in the moment that's true what do you do for fun for fun wow um i i usually like to i see friends uh i i'm not like one of these do you read a lot i do read yeah a lot yeah i have a lot of books uh it's a it's a great book it's a really good part you're thinking of a title right it has a lot of books inside inings

but it's the bible kevin is that true that's true yeah what page are you on two two he just created the world oh i won't tell you what happened look we do have to take a break kevin if that's all right can you stick around though for the the entire show we have some incredible guests coming up i need you i need your wisdom your wit why are you looking at your wrist right now there's nothing i think i might have to have a replace oh okay that's your left one yeah uh when we come back uh we are going to talk to a coach who's who's who's who played coach coach is uh brian kreg nelson kreg t nelson that's right you know the t stands for what tyranosaurus true or false tyranosaurus i think that's true

uh but uh we'll see if it's kreg t nelson who's gonna be here we also have an attorney we'll be right back with more kevin kneelen more comedy bang bang after this comedy bang bang we're back uh we have kevin kneelen his book i exaggerate is in stores this week october 25th and this it has pictures it has a collection of my caricature work anytime i see you you're drawing anytime you've been on this show other than today you've you've drawn uh on the table there a lot of these tables that are in the urul studios have your drawing on them that's correct yeah yeah you draw a lot i do like to draw i've been drawing since i was a kid yeah you you have so many talents uh basketball football uh you're a kicker you're a uh punter

you're a quarterback stand-up comedy acting uh knee replays shoulder right okay enough patience the patience and you also draw i do i draw and i do digital artwork and um and i just love it and finally you know i was starting to do it more and more i started taking these classes from this guy in england paul moise over skype really and he was kind of showing me like the latest stuff on how to do a digital artwork and caricatures and it was 500 pounds for um no euros for um 10 lessons what's the latest in character work what's like what are the what new advances are they making in caricatures oh my god instead of playing soccer now you're like dabbing well if you look at some of the older caricature work i've never thought about this until you brought it up

but it has changed quite a bit the way people exaggerate features i'm at that point now where i can't walk around on the street and look at people and see them normally i have to think okay that i would exaggerate that nose yeah it's like being in a fun house you know right yeah um but you know it has if you look at some of the older caricature work is that prince this is well let me show you the yeah this prince okay so that looks the most like prince out of all the princes that you've done because you have no this is this is the evolution yeah you have about six uh uh tries at prince in the book and that's what i do also on my internet site um kevin kevin kneelen artwork i will do the finished picture and then the next one over is the evolution okay how

to get how i got there yeah um so um yeah so that's that's what i like to do i like to do that but there are some oh i was going to tell you about the prince yeah if i could for one second uh i went to the snl 40th reunion i remember that and it was at the plaza hotel the rap party and prince comes by and i see him and i see he sees me and we both smile at each other and this is exactly how he looked when he smiled at me you know i i thought i couldn't you know he just seemed like a different person he was in that sultry right yeah i was putting on the mistake right yeah and uh you swap personalities that we talked for a little bit and then uh i introduced my wife was a huge prince fan and then he left and she goes oh my god i can't believe prince shook our

hands he never touches anybody's hands i said well welcome to my world baby welcome to my world did he play that party yeah he played yeah didn't he didn't i hear he played some songs yeah yeah him and taylor swift is that correct was she playing there i actually didn't stay for that what is going on i'm not such a huge fan no i didn't stick i didn't know he's gonna play so i was tired i went home with the bed it was like three in the morning do you regret it no being honest no i mean no i was tired you're tired during snl oh during snl yeah i was tired a lot well that's the problem see this show is on at 11 30 at night on saturdays famously and it it's it's not on because it's ready it's on because it's 11 30 at time yeah on saturdays famously it's too late like any

self-respecting comedian is going to be in bed by 9 9 30 that's not out doing the clubs yeah you know well here's the thing for me you know when i first went to that studio in 30 rock studio at age rock of valor plaza rock fellow plaza i walked in there and i got really tired and then i realized that's because i used to fall asleep watching that show really association thing i started seeing the same walls i got really sleepy is that why you're yawning the last episode is that because you fall asleep to this podcast i was trying to get a word in edge wise that was just my mouth opening all right let's get started all right let's get started let's talk to these other people uh we have a coach coming on the show now oh i love as a craig t

nelson it is not craig t nelson i'm seeing his uh name right here there are no c's in it there's no t and there's certainly not a nelson but his name is donald dump let's welcome him hi hey how you doing donald do we call you don or don whatever you'd like yeah whatever i'd like yeah i mean don it's a lot of latitude yeah do you have something else you prefer uh i think i'll stick to the dons or the donald i'm not quite sure but uh this is this is kevin nice to meet you how are you i'm good how are you great you look great oh thank you yeah it's the tiny hat how tiny is that hat that's incredibly small the bowl fits perfectly it's a normal sized bowl but the bill is very tiny right so it's an optical illusion people think it's actually a small hat it's just a small bill

it's like force perspective yes the further away you get from it you go oh that's a normal sized yes yes looks good on him yeah i don't know who would look good on you kevin i gotta say i don't you know not a lot of people pull off this look the umpire look the huge fat stomach and the tiny bill hat not a lot of people do but yeah you definitely is that what you are you're because i i you said you were a coach yeah i'm an umpire coach i teach umps how to ump oh okay that's interesting that is interesting i wonder how they learned all that stuff exactly people think you know how to do balls and strikes you know how to make the calls you know how to dust off the plate with the little brush i would assume if i if i watched one game on tv i would

get the gist of it right yeah would you think would you think a good housekeeper would be a good ump because they know how to clean the uh absolutely a lot of our best ump start is house keeper really absolute dusters can i can i bring something up that we just found out on this show or maybe it was my other show scott hasn't seen okay so all the plates first base the bases i mean first base second base third base they're all squares yep home is that weird shape we just realized it's the shape of a house yeah home plate that's right why are you yawning again i think he was just trying to get a word in scott you said home i started thinking about my bed i understand that's it i will try to stay away from words that have any sort of connection to your bed yeah

they didn't have an umpire feel the dreams didn't they i don't think so did another guy come out of the cornfield to be the umpire i think he was uh shoelace ump well umps were really umps were really mad about that move she was shoelace joe jackson is that what you thought his name was shoelace joe jackson shoelace because he loved shoes so much he had so many legs he was skinny guy oh that's true can you still say skinny i think so okay yep yeah you can you can call him in you can call him out you know you're gonna hit by a ball oh you're only coaching yeah yeah do you actually ump yourself or are you are you doing games yourself or do you just i'll ump sometimes it's it's more of a pastime for me now you know more of a hobby it's like america's pastime

that's right do you have another ump shadow you as you're yeah do do we see like train a trainee over your shoulder yeah so it's just like a restaurant it's just like a restaurant where the server will come up and i'll be sort of behind them and going like yeah okay so when he calls a strike you go take another look at that yeah yeah well a lot of what i'm doing is teaching the umps how to how to call the strike in a demonstrable way you know i see so what are your techniques would take us through well there are several if it's a real down the middle strike absolutely you got to get really intense and you go hero oh nice you know that the closer you are to pronouncing the word correctly the harder it is for the audience to understand right now what i've

noticed uh is anytime it's a down the middle strike yeah the umps i've seen don't even say anything because it's like what is there to be said everybody knows so they just go they just point that's it that's really good that's a season pro right because all you need is just yeah and everybody knows that's a strike and have you ever seen people call a ball no they barely do anything i only watch the strikes nobody goes like this no no the trick with the ball is you don't want to embarrass the pitcher so you just do a subtle stand-up yeah that's right everybody knows it's just sort of i'm not going to call this one because we know i make sure i watch the games the day after and i do only the strike cuts that's a fast and my assistant just edit out all the

balls there's what i would do if it were i'm just kevin talking if uh if i was a yump and i made a bad call you know like i go that's good you must have taken a class they go what are you that's a strike no i'm not gonna say strike i said hard dog you want a hard dog yeah yeah that's confusing a lot of times during games i'll get served food the whole time popcorn red robes all of it red ropes yeah if i call a home run i'll often get a red rope you call a home run i do i i didn't know that i would think it would be just apparent to everyone that it was a home run so you have to call it otherwise it's not official absolutely the scoreboard those guys don't know the game they're just listening to us oh got it i have a mic that goes directly to the scoreboard

guys is that a second bike huh is that a uh you say yeah is that a second mic because i know you're always mic'd up for the home audience as well oh yeah yeah that's a big one so you have two different mics on you two two different lobs and i also have a patreon where you can hear the real stuff you can hear the real stuff the ump is saying behind the plane how much is that patreon two hundred dollars an hour an hour yeah that's a high patreon yeah yeah there's only one subscriber it's my mom hey well you need is one if you charge that much my son has the cool he watches so many of these videos like on youtube is one of them is these athletes where they reinsert they get their voice out and they put in other words they lip-sync or they dub

something yeah what do they say oh it's like stuff like i don't care what your mama says you know that's a i'll take a pizza too i'll have pizza too do people say that though i mean you you hear everything yeah yeah yeah those aren't really dubs those are those are real we're saying that's okay yeah those are like documentaries we're watching yeah absolutely all so we're smart when we watch those yeah docks docks docks what's up docks what's up docks what's your favorite baseball movie out of all time probably follow up what's your favorite baseball my favorite baseball is the Rawlings 2 i don't mean style of baseball i mean your literal the ball that was your favorite yeah it's the Rawlings 2 it's got beautiful no i don't mean

like the general let me translate for you you got you get back in the dugout what's my client scott is asking you is do you have a particular baseball that really means a lot to you i mean the specific ball though i mean you know i don't mean the style of ball i mean like one ball yeah in particular yeah it's the Rawlings 2 it's this ball that was invented it's got red stitching and white you're talking about a style of ball let me step in if i could scott just sit down for a my client is asking you what kind of ball what kind of baseball the leather right that's not what i'm asking kevin all right hang on a second i like a leather baseball i like a leather baseball they they also you're fired i'm sorry they make a bright yellow baseball as well that's sort of

fuzzy you hit it with a racket i don't care what is your favorite baseball movie it's a Rawlings 2 your favorite baseball movie is a Rawlings 2 oh sorry i wasn't listening um i wasn't either apparently my favorite baseball movie is probably the natural and what's your favorite pickleball movie pickleball 2 yeah pickleball one was a little derivative the natural yeah it's great for baseball movies great for titties that's right that's right i'm mostly fast forward to the do you like that type of humor kevin i'm not really a titty humor guy you're an ass you're a juvenile you like titty humor or ass humor better oh well definitely booty humor booty booty you i call it booty you booty booty booty everywhere that's right so what are your other

techniques to teach other umps and these are up and coming umps ump and coming these are up and coming umps that want to get into the game you know what i mean a lot of umps are x baseball players who suck is that true really but they love the game so much that they want to be around it we love the game you used to play baseball it's passion why i played t-ball oh professionally yeah i played professional t-ball wow yeah i got cut in farm when i was nine they said you're not good enough you're not good enough and so i switched over i was the youngest umpire in my city you were nine or ten or i was ten you were ten i was ten took me a lot of train okay wow yeah in your city in my city i that's not i mean that's fine i thought you were gonna say the world or whatever

in your city in my city that's how big of a city you i was ten scott how big of a city uh 20 000 small city yeah it's not very big is that where the field of dreams were shot yeah yeah i was from that city yep oh iowa iowa oh iowa oh iowa yeah right on the border right on the border oh iowa you know what they call ohio what's that oh h 10 oh h 10 i like that it's like pen 15 yeah exactly which 10 yeah were you on pen 15 i was your original cast member you were really you were one of the girls yeah it's back in the 1900s i was actually in the pen 15 club in uh you were wow yeah incredible yeah yeah yeah you got uh they wrote it on your arm and everything yeah it was a good club to be in i wasn't tricked here's the little inside information if you do

not know it's not really pen 15 it's penis because it's the pen and then the i the one five looks like is i don't know take a look at it really i think it's a five obviously no no it's pen one five but they're really meaning i would i understand penis five no no no because of the sensors they do it that way i don't know i don't know if that's true yeah this is another one of your tricks right false i'm kidding yeah okay thank you can i ask you guys something everybody loves to do this okay you guys want to throw a baseball at my chest yeah yeah definitely all right all right i'm gonna stand up take three feet back okay you throw it as hard as you want but it's gotta hit the chest bring a baseball because i didn't bring mine today absolutely i gotta roll can you take

a chest pad off well i don't want otherwise i'll why waste my arm on that right right all right i guess i'll give it a shot yeah sure i mean you guys are cool yeah where do you want us to hit you right in the chest or right in the chest i'll pull the mask down right anywhere in the chest stomach i usually wear a big pad there maybe 20 not to wear the mask jesus christ are you wearing an athletic supporter right now well i'm wearing a cup i'll wear you uh or i'll i'll give you 25 not to wear that this 45 dollars all right yeah i mean let's round off to 50 take your clothes off all right let's go let's go all right so i'm nude in the studio here's a really fast yeah what are those breakaways the buyers do not make much okay buyers do not make much i need you're saying because

you have less clothes that's why it was so fast we're i'm still stuck on this yes you don't make a lot of money so you have less clothes yes i can't afford anything but the empire uniform okay got it these tiny hats are special yeah you are still wearing the tiny hat that doesn't come off okay that doesn't come off all right kevin you want to take the first shot or do i'm okay yeah i haven't thrown a ball in quite a while really how now i have a new shoulder now i'm going to whiz it in there oh yeah it's like robocop shoulder i know is that where you're going to stand yeah i'll stand here if that's okay all right we are kind of close yeah it's not that big i didn't take it i'm used to these i just have a big wind up that's all yeah oh yeah yeah how big is your wind up by the

it's like ten ten feet in diameter oh incredible yeah all right yeah you have quite a span i do i'm like a um velociraptor yeah you are in a lot of ways yeah you're a clever girl yeah all right here we go all right here we go are you ready yeah i'm gonna give it a call hit me right square in the chest obviously that's a steve right and if you miss us a ball i'll put a little tar on the ball if that's okay absolutely yeah that's what they do right yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna uh i mean it's okay to have illegal substances on the ball oh yeah yeah alcohol whatever you want yeah because i want to i want to do like a wicked curve right dear sure you don't want me to start with like a softer ball or you can do whatever you want i'll start with the heart i've taken i've

taken shots from randy johnson really yeah yeah that's a weird name like he's randy with his john johnson oh horny penis yeah horny penis he should just call himself horny penis you think it's a stage name do you think he's funny i think he was like much like kevin deciding if he was going to be a kicker or a stand-up comic he was like do i play well and he killed that bird that was funny did you ever see that i don't know guys i'm winding up i'm winding i know you take a long time to wind up every time i wind up you start a conversation it's like balking okay i'm sorry i don't mean to balk you all right here we go i'm square to you here's a strike zone right here at my chest give me your best shot all right you you're giving me permission to do this okay ready

okay that's the last one are you right no i don't get to do mine well how about with the pad or at least a t-shirt wow i'm gonna put a t-shirt on all right put a t-shirt on yeah you want me to put on some shorts no you're gonna be winning the pooing okay great all right here we go ready right here right here we go yeah i have a pretty short wind up if that's okay i'm like a velociraptor with my tiny arms that's what i do all right ready that's a t-rex all right here we go and wow i missed him what a waste yeah fuck he put on the t-shirt and everything i just went right behind his head man that counts only one to give you another shot oh you will yeah only one here we go how about how about a gun do you fire a gun at you yeah Johnny Knoxville

stuff god i don't know what's in it is it bullets or beanbags they're actually hard balls yeah we have basic we have a baseball gun here in the studio let's do it absolutely all right here we go ready bounce off my clavicle into my neck into your neck into my neck i have a very sharp clavicle bounce straight up oh my gosh you need any help or should we now let's keep going at the show okay so what are we oh and uh no we're one and one we're one and well we're uh two and one we're two and one thank you okay god i feel like we haven't talked about any of your my coaching my skills which is what you came on here to talk about well it's mostly telling people how to yell or be quiet based on the ball or the strike that's just it what about the strike zone

nothing about that it depends on the height of the guy the height of the guy it's between his his knees we know all this yeah we know all this well not everybody does yeah but if you want to be an ump you don't just walk into a class and say we know all this then don't take the class but no no what you're saying is like i'm sorry i don't have other information an astronaut class and you're like hey everyone we're going to space yeah that's the first thing they probably say i bet you want me to get into the deep stuff scott yes donald ump okay first of all what a nightmare that that guy was born after me you know what i mean what guy donald trump oh okay horrible yeah cut that part no just cut that part no come on if the joke doesn't work cut it i'm not gonna

cut anything our editing machine is broken you know that true or false i had my neck replaced you're stroking it right now i'm gonna say false i'm kidding what are you get get to the deep stuff what the deep stuff is yeah what's the scandal you gotta respect the players because the players have bats they got balls they have a lot more money yeah and so they don't really like it they don't like us first of all we're sort of against each other no one ever says thanks for the good call it's so interesting because normally when you go to a baseball game it's like one team versus another team but it's really both teams versus the umpire exactly do they allow you to be friends with any players because i would think there'd be preferential

treatment if you're a good friend with a battery right if like we go to your instagram and you're like there with you know yeah they do it loud it's just never come up then the players are i'm definitely trying to hang with the players trying to get drinks trying to get seeds so if you do have a friend that's batting you if it's a strike sometimes you call a ball right oh yeah but you've just never made friends with anyone yeah i'll i'll do it i call a lot of balls yeah to try to get these feathers to be my friends but it's not taken are you known as the ball collar the ball collar yeah yeah absolutely well and they said you're a horrible umpire but you're a great umpire teacher you clearly know all the rules kevin what's going on with you no i was just gonna

say i used to play baseball are you the most tired person alive what is going on you know some people work hard and what about you though i'm not i sleep a lot okay you know i don't sleep that well do you really that's another story let's get back you should start sleeping on your non-replace side if i had one of those chest plates they wear yeah i would sleep like a baby yeah just right on your stomach it's like one of those heavy blankets yeah you're familiar with those yeah i am yeah i have one myself yeah all right take it easy take it easy yeah i don't mean to brag but i have that kind of money i sleep with a mask on the big wide pants the funny shoes oh you sleep the whole outfit on at night yeah because you're ready to go this is my outfit do you get calls in the middle

of the night like a doctor where you suddenly you have to umpire a game at three a i give calls in the middle of the night in my sleep i'm calling strikes and balls all night long anybody ever call you in the middle night go follow strike ball strike yes they do and you're not even you don't even know what it is you just call it what they're talking about but i'll call it they'll believe me have you ever been in the act of love making and you've missed and called a bottle huh there's a follow up to that oh yeah no i haven't ever been in the act of love making oh i'm sorry okay really so you're a you still have your v card is a polite way of saying it i've been trying to get the card but i can't find i went to the library remember a pen 15 yeah you should get your v card i show

everybody my tattoo oh my gosh you have a tattoo yeah because they strike what's the say strike what says pen 15 oh so you get you literally got the tattoo from the person who wrote it on your arm you went straight to a tattoo parlor i went to school with a bunch of tattoo artists oh you did yeah yeah were they the youngest tattoo artists in the city in the city not the world but in the city yeah they were nine ten i saw somebody with a tattoo on the shoulder it said no regrets this seems like a joke from your act no it's true something it was a true story you should put it in your act no i don't do it i don't play that way if you see something in real life you don't put it in your act i make everything up yeah okay well tonal does there

more to talk to you about i don't think so okay great well let's take a break let's call this game yeah let's call it all right we're gonna take a break when we come back we'll have more kevin kneelen we'll have more donald up and we have an attorney coming up oh do you need any any legal work done no okay good good for you all right well uh i do certainly so we'll be talking to them about that we'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this comedy bang bang we're back with kevin kneelen uh the book is i robot no i exaggerate please don't joke about i exaggerate this christmas it's called i exaggerate my brushes with fame it's a great my brushes with fame yeah it's a lot of the caricatures in there that i've done you say it's

a great gift but like people can still buy it for themselves right they don't have to wait around for one of their friends to get the hint they can give themselves as well yeah yeah and that's um i'm really quite proud of it to be honest with you are you really what are you most proud of in your career let's just talk career not family or anything like that aside from this book no put your book rank this book in terms of every one the book is number one yeah what about uh what about grown-ups no i don't care about them oh that's right we said we weren't gonna talk about your family that's right uh this this comes before anything else in my life anything else yeah okay so let's talk about family is this before you're more proud of this than your family way way way way way way

before so this is the culminating achievement of your life well i don't want to call it culminating because there's things there might be yeah there might be something but up to this point i would say this is probably the best work i've ever done and this is aside from all of my cancer research right all of my you are this close to curing it weren't you yes but they didn't give me the amount of money i was asking for so we kind of scrapped that whole project yeah yeah you just walked away but you know as i look through this book now it's got a nice weight and feel to it my picture's on the cover pages yellow yeah i'm not a lot 210 maybe no it's gotta be more than that wow um look there's robber plant yeah that is robber plant yeah yeah old robber plant too

there's rami malek there's jennifer aniston i'm still looking for a page count give me a page count okay so i'll give you go to the back that's usually the way we do it is two don't count with the acknowledgments yeah everything the notes it is it's gotta be divisible by 16 223 224 let's say all right 224 the back page but it's not numbered yeah 224 let me let me make sure that's divisible by 16 we'll see if we got an accurate count here let's see 224 divided by 16 yeah exactly 224 pages you know that is that is loren michaels himself right you're right yes that's right do you remember the the day i believe i've asked you this on on the show before there's chris rock the day that he took you out to the ivy or whatever and said kevin you're part of the shoe

no i'm calling you up to the shoe no i tell you what he did say though right before i went out to do my first uh sketch it was called mistress subliminal yes i love that sketch thanks it was kind of a tricky uh sketch because there's like two conversations going on at once and you had to memorize all the lines to memorize them all yeah we're maybe 10 seconds away from coming back from the commercial i'm standing there waiting to go out for my very first live television performance on snl standing the same stage belushi stood on as live they're coming back 10 seconds nine loren comes up he puts his hand on my shoulder he looks up to me he goes are you sure this is what you want very good he's joking of course of course yeah he's a funny guy he's a

funny lot of people don't realize he's a funny guy he's a funny guy because he has so much power over so many people but he actually is a funny guy he's a writer on the show he is yeah yeah that's right how much uh does is he up all night on tuesday's writing with everyone else um no he's usually out having dinner with the host but i'll tell you what some of his best writing has been on birthday cards oh really yeah he will you know he they really him and his staff uh really research they know what you like like he knew i like skiing so for a gift my birthday was he never skis oh wow but the card is always the most it's so like it's a it's like an index card you know kind of a um a manila looking hard and then his name is engraved on the top and then he types

you know or somebody types his message it's always really clever right and fun does he does he give you something if you've been on the show does he give you something every year for the rest of your life or is it just like while you're there why you're there that's the problem so when you leave you that's why you did so many years right yeah that's the only reason but i didn't know when i when i left i was waiting on my birthday for the gift and nothing where are my new skis because you you use you wear out your skis every year don't you i do i wear them out i i use i go to like four or five a year five skis usually right and he would know that you would give you a new one for you were on 10 years is that right nine years nine years so nine pairs of skis 18 skis no 17

did he miss a ski once no no i slalom once in a while oh okay so he just gave you one one yeah yeah yeah it might have been a snowboard i'm not sure um but anyway uh yeah the gifts were really great and um when i left the show he gave me this beautiful Cartier watch really on the back because you had been there the longest at that point out of anyone now of course you've been eclipsed by uh Keenan and other people yeah everyone yeah everyone stays there people realize what a good gig that is yeah exact why leave i knew what it was a great gig because i never expected to be there in the first place the only problem with it is staying up so late on saturdays well it's taped so you don't have to stay up it is taped yeah i always i knew it yeah yeah i knew

it a lot of people ask me they go when when do you tape that show i say well it's in the afternoon on saturday well we also have donald umpere uh who is an umpire coach and uh do you want to talk as long as kevin just did steer because we have to get to our next guest uh he's an attorney he's been on the show before uh and he's an 11 year old boy uh please welcome back to the show robby del muda scott thanks for having me back it's a pleasure to be here so good to see you again robby this is kevin kneelen hi kevin i know who kevin kneelen is he's uh i mean you you probably who's the earliest snl cast that you would know about 11 years old i mean yeah uh the earliest one that i know is uh i caught the tail end of daryl Hammond you did how yeah i didn't make that

a nice tail end yet a long run do you mean the tail end of him announcing the show taking don part of this play yeah that's what i meant why did you do something else hi robby uh this is donald ump as well that he's an umpire coach hi donald hey robby good to see you too what's going on last time you were here you uh remind us about what what you uh scott last time i was here i was in a bit of a bind i was in court representing myself for uh i was in there for embezzlement and i got some news for you scott i'm back in court no for the same thing no tax evasion tax evasion yeah and you're representing yourself i'm being forced to represent myself will you have a fool for a client oh scott please what happened robby tell us what happened

scott i'm being framed once again i'm being framed by granite investments oh that's right last time you were on the show they had framed you somehow they framed me they caught they said that i was imbezzling and they used my basketball card collecting as a as an excuse as to how it was being done and now i'm being caught i'm being framed for tax evasion tax evasion is it related to the embezzlement it's unrelated to the embezzlement this is a fresh new charge and i'm in over my head oh my god have you ever been uh kevin have you ever been uh framed for something that you've had to go to court nothing there wasn't a picture man it was all on the up and up scott it's scary yeah kevin consider yourself lucky okay because it is a true nightmare not to

mention i'm back in night court that's where i have to go that's because you go to school during the day i go to school during the day i'm in fifth grade so you have to go to night court it's a juggling act scott have you ever been in court donald yeah unfortunately yeah for what well uh j walking for j you had to go to court for j walking usually that's just something you pay a fine and no i didn't want to pay oh really so you were i was contesting it okay and did you do it i got caught yeah i got screwed something happened while you're j walking in that crosswalk you did you committed some kind of a crime didn't you well yeah i had to go to the bathroom i pulled down my pants you can't jump over that decent exposure but j walking is what i thought it was for i mean

is it in decent exposure if it's just your butt that's what i said you know what i mean to me it's funny exposure funny just a butt nothing wrong with a butt that's funny huh that's so funny i draw a lot of them in my biology book yeah yeah that's where they belong that's where i'm concerned yeah that's where i say hey don did you have a lawyer how did you get out of it i did i had a pro bono lawyer pro what who pro bono it's a free lawyer if you're a lawyer you gotta know terms like pro bono scott i'm learning on the fly here okay i'm i'm holding on by the seat of my pants it sounds like you are a pro bono lawyer to yourself oh yeah i haven't been charging me on this one late uh i can't afford my services so i'm doing a pro bono what so you're in court right now who who is is it the

state against you is that the it's a state that's against me they say that i've been evading taxes and again granite investment is the one that's framing me do you even work i mean you how are you you're not even supposed to pay taxes are they say that i do my dad who as you know runs granite investments oh that's right he said he said that i'm on the payroll he said that i'm an employee there all right which i did not think that i was nor do i do any work for them which is what i'm trying to tell everybody but he says that i have been an account for them and i have been cooking the books so there's two sets of books there's two of them there's honestly there's too many books i got i got enough books for school i can't handle this many books that's a good joke right there

there's a good piece of business have you ever thought about asking your dad not to sue you or turn you into the police i ask him at every time and they and then they say objection and then the judge says oh you're doing the same court you gotta do it at home where home oh yeah i barely there i gotta go to school then i gotta go to court are you afraid of going to prison they're definitely afraid yeah they didn't go to prison for your last thing how did it catch us up how did that end oh uh let's see the with the with the embezzling yeah oh they ended up throwing it out of court they did why yes oh they said they said uh they i was rambling in the court and then the judge got a little tired wait you can just you can get your case thrown out just for rambling yeah i

started rambling and then they're like what is this kid even talking about he can't handle prison we gotta get him out of here wow yeah so then they said you get out of here kid but you gotta do you know what you gotta get you gotta get a's in school that was my punishment oh okay community work yeah that was my community work i did not do it i've been struggling in school behind i don't even know if i'm gonna pass the fifth grade well yeah i mean you're you're spending your nights instead of studying you're spending your nights in court again this sounds like your dad is trying to frame you yeah something that he's done yes that's exactly scott please would you be my lawyer sounds like he's been funneling money would i be your lawyer i'm not a lawyer yeah well neither am i

did you pass the bar though no i'm the way there yeah but i'm not allowed in i'm too young it sounds like your dad has been funneling money from his company into some sort of slush fund maybe an offshore drilling accounts or something like that slush front uh icy fund i don't know which one that is all i know is good because you're a child yes yes i will we shouldn't forget that what are your friends what are your friends your best friends say about this my best friends right now they're look everyone's preoccupied with the dance it's coming up okay so they don't even have time to talk to me about this dance at 11 years old yeah we have a dance in the fifth grade and you know what sixth graders are invited and i have a crush and i want to dance with her so

bad oh who is this or diana diana bermuda diana bermuda yeah she's something else what's so special about her oh i tell you what she's got hair that when the light hits it just right it looks like amber waves of grain you have me she's got hair yeah that is already that's a step up so if you guys got married she would be amber bermuda delmuda yeah she said if we get married there's no way i'm just taking your name we're hyphenating at minimum she already is talking marriage with you she said if i do because i've asked her many times and she said if i did it would have to be hyphenated now beat it all right you take you and your chocolate milk get out of here have you ever had your heart broken by someone uh yes i've had my heart broken my fifth grade teacher mrs bunka

all right i had a crush on her and i said i love you so much and she said you're too young for me i'm a teacher you got to get out of here the too young for me part that that's not what i would lead with it's i would say like it's an inappropriate relationship i'm your teacher oh also you're young okay well i mean she's i guess she she doesn't want to say that but she's paraphrasing scott okay okay i'm gonna sit around and listen to that whole spiel i got a recess to get to scott what do you do during recess i play kickball i watch kickball what am i talking about i was gonna say you don't seem like a kickball no i like to look at it i like to see it from a distance what do you like about it just the aesthetics i like to watch the ball going through the air

i like to see it and catch it sometimes they don't uh either way i like the effort as long as they're making an effort i'm happy scott here's the problem yes diana man i would love to go on it i would love to dance with her so much that you've already asked her to marry you it's like just dancing you know wouldn't be that yeah she rejected that so i pulled back a little bit if you can just dance but here's the problem she likes a strong silent type oh no and i'm i'm weak and loud how much can you lift if it can look around the room yeah is there anything that you could lift or could not lift is that a full bag of lays or some of it been eaten some of it looks like about approximately a third of it has been eaten okay then i got a shot well you're looking it would be loud it would be

loud lifting what's that it would be loud lifting because you're not a silent uh no yeah i'd be real loud i'm a bit of a showman kevin i like people to notice i like people to watch i'm a showboater i like to see i like people to see what i'm doing i like them to talk about it and then maybe they can come on to court and be a character witness this guy's pretty fun he's a strong guy and uh and he's innocent he's not been doing evasion of taxes so to sum you up you're a loud weak showboater what are you saying what i just sound different when you're saying that versus what i'm saying you're you're a loud weak showboater who's representing himself in court that's the gist of it scott why do you sound like a 50 year old from new jersey

a lot of the last time you're on the show people were like he's got such a deep voice for an 11 year old yeah and again i'm just trying to sound older okay i'm trying to sound mature wait so this is what's your real voice like my real voice yeah hey scott do you see why i'm having problems with diana i thought you couldn't say your r's because you were a kid but it's more of just a regional accent i'm from cedar gov wisconsin but i think let's bring it to the east coast they seem smarter all right yeah to me these people don't seem smart to me you don't think so is in harvard in the east coast well where's yale yeah that's true where's columbia where is columbia scott it's a test i have a test coming up i need to know really this is a test

on where columbia yeah they say where the mate where the ivy league schools and i don't know where all of them are but one of them in south america obviously yeah whoa oh yeah if you just put that down on the test yeah it's like a trick question they can't give you i scott i can barely keep my eyes open in school anymore all right i'm so tired from night court you're like kevin on this show yes exactly i thought i thought kevin and i were kindred spirits dear lord i could use a helping court kevin kevin do you want to represent uh robbie over here in court i'd be happy to i'd be happy to really you have the most lawyerly energy out of the three of us i would say yeah i mean you know it's not an easy job and you gotta look over your client

first of all or your potential client and make sure that this person is not guilty yeah because uh you you really want to believe in your client right you don't want to defend someone who you know is guilty yeah exactly yeah so what do you think is is this guy guilty robbie this poor little defenseless boy you know he's talking about affect affected these ghost accidents of a 50 year old man you know that one of the good sides of the lawyer is one characteristic traits is listening so i listen very closely uh rob when when were you accused of shoplifting when did that happen shoplifting yeah you said shoplifting right no tax evasion oh tax evasion all right i cannot help rob kevin no okay yeah you you really should have listened i do shoplifting i only do shop

who have you represented in shoplifting oh my god writer one on a rider famously that's right um marlon brando he was a shoplifter big shoplifter oh he was he stuffing things in his cheeks in his cheeks that's how he got out but he's doing the impression okay so let's recap okay recap one on a rider marlon brando and get this one you'll never believe this one hmm let it be just what can you prosecute an ex-president yes you can wow that was the first time it's ever happened well he wasn't ex-president at the time oh he was pre-president yeah it was a cold case so uh we had to go back in time a little bit kevin i've never heard of any of these people it's all made up i'm making a lot of actually okay but that's what we do in court

you know it's a it's a whole you just make stuff up in court that's what you're doing it's training it's part of your training yeah a lot of times you don't know what you're talking about being a lawyer is like Scott the whole time a kevin the whole time i don't know what i'm talking about you called him scott yeah sorry scott i'm sorry i'm sorry i should know that you'd be a good lawyer we're not friends by the way you're on the show twice kevin scott come on man i think i consider us pretty close i don't think we're glad barely know you yeah okay well hey we the dance needs chaperones as my friend that's something maybe the three of us could do okay i'll throw people out yeah please just get rid of can you guys get rid of uh dean you gotta get rid of dean oxton

oh i'd love to that must be confusing because if you're at school and someone's like hey dean is here like usually the deans are in charge dean to recap dean is my bully but he's also the dean oh that's right we talked about this yeah you gotta get rid of him so i'm saying the same thing i said on the previous episode yeah but it it rings true we all need to remind the scott rob what's your fantasy my fantasy yeah good question uh i'll tell you what not being in prison number one fantasy right i'm gonna lead off with that second fantasy i would like to be in a room that's in i would like to be in a room that's full of cotton candy okay and i unlimited quarters for the video games but does the room have video games in it no cotton candy no this is a frustrating

fantasy it's kind of an escape room you gotta get out of this room to get into the room with the video games you ever see that uh video of the squirrel and the cotton candy and and trying to wash it off and it just dissolves and disintegrates oh sounds like a tale of death no i've never seen it oh okay i apologize for bringing it up well look i i i yeah we could be chaperones you'd be throwing people out or absolutely kids allowed to put their hands on other kids butts or why are you putting my glasses on you're trying to read some of the names on the table but your visit's pretty good i don't need these yes i do that's why i wear them uh we could be chaperones for you though what night is the dance then it's coming up it's friday night it's

right after school i'd still daylight still daylight yeah it's the safest way yeah yeah yeah so like right after school three thirty or so three thirty it's at the school this friday this friday edgy but you gotta fly out to cedar grove wisconsin that's where this that's where i go to school there's what is this a halloween dance by the way because it's a halloween dance okay we're having it a bit early october is too spooky well this is 20 the 29th yeah of october what yes oh yes of course the scariest month i know date is scott please i'm in court every day i gotta talk about dates all the time okay i mean it's no april but it's a pretty scary month we'll make you a deal we'll chaperone your dance yeah as long as we don't have to represent you in court it sounds like a plea

deal and i'll take it all right are you gonna plea down i'm gonna i've been pleading since i got that please stop this this is a sanity okay please maybe you should just ramble on again because it seems like that got you out of the i ran out of topics all right i would exhaust that it's the same judge he's like i heard all this before i don't hear it again and i'm like i don't want to repeat myself so i gotta come up with some fresh topics so i've been scouring the news this is not what a lawyer does comes up with topics i got i got some hot topics i got some conversation bits and uh for current events yeah from the month of october from the month of october i've got some current events i just want to i say i i i asked the jury i asked some of the people that are in

the back and then i i try to talk to the defend me i'm the defendant i talked to the plaintiff and so you know the terms i i'm being i i'm i'm getting up the speed here scott okay my dad is there all right he's he's he's against me on this one yeah yeah does anybody ask him any questions why is he doing this yeah get him on the stand he i i asked him why are you doing this and then he said you know he said to me he said son what doesn't kill you he just ended it there it was the question what doesn't kill you yeah he's asking you hey what does it sound like a little he wants yeah he wants to know is he trying to find out what does kill you in order to limit anything else that's what i'm worried about scott all right because it's a longer list i would say feathers

no i'm grass feathers will kill you are you allergic to feathers yeah you have a bird allergy i have a bird allergy yeah do you know remember in Jurassic park three when they go into the aviary do yeah i couldn't handle that but i had to turn it off yeah and now now uh they say dinosaurs have feathers on them nowadays what yeah so if you see the latest Jurassic world suddenly like there's big feathers on these dinosaurs don't no spoilers scott please he's been out for now for three months it has i've been embroiled in a court case god i don't have time to go to the cinema also i think you can watch a movie with birds in it if you have allergies you know you don't have to turn it off yeah you're not watching a movie next to birds well i'm itching i'm itching when

i'm watching kevin's putting his book away he's mentally done i know this is the cover for the book i don't want to get dirty you don't want to get dirty of course okay no i i think um this is my what do they call it the attache case when i go to court oh it is oh okay so you're everything i need to know you're thinking about representing him at this point yeah no i'm not thinking about it we've already signed a contract yes you realize he's not a shoplifter he's not a shoplifter not at all he's nothing he's nothing well that's a that's a that kevin yeah or are you insulting the guy yeah i am something okay okay so you have a representative over here yeah i've got three i got a possible dance with diana bermuda and things are looking up things are looking really

good i'm feeling good keeping the bright side i like it yes all right good yeah things are looking up for robby del muda it was worth traveling out here why did you come all the way out here just to be on this show my friend scott i haven't seen you in a while we're not friends we're friends wow we're not friends i mean kevin and i have known each other a long time we're barely friends right i don't know there's a chemist i'm not even in his book you've never drawn me well you have drawn me on one of these tables three different pages i'm on three pages thank you so much buy the book and you'll see okay you're on three pages you got that your commitment to every reader you'll be on three pages if you buy the book yeah where can i find this now you've taken

off your headphones and you're just unraveling the cord no i'm not unraveling it i'm making a little days of change um what'd you say i was asking where can i find your book oh it's right here in my bag oh that is it's hard to find when you put it in the bag yeah not at this age no it'll be at every every bookstore you buy books you know you've been to a bookstore right you know how to read you're an 11 year old i'm an 11 year old haven't been to a bookstore we don't get a lot of those around anymore scott all right there's not many left there's a lot of get some of those mom and pop stores you know yeah the big box chains are putting them out of business is that what you're trying to say yeah yeah they've been do you have when's the last time you've seen a walden books

huh the 90s yeah how do you know what a walden books is i've read the archives the archive what archives oh my dad keeps so you know down in the cellar your dad is keeping archives of old bookstore yeah okay your dad seems like a real first of all he's a criminal yes kevin remember that that's a quote from me lead with that that's a poll quote for your tribe yeah yeah scott you could have been a lawyer if you wanted you're on the up and up here you got i could have on the ball all right look hey that is a daisy chain it's a daisy chain it truly is wow we're running out of time kevin's running out of patience i ran out of time a long time yeah i feel i feel that for you i'm also running out of time we uh we only have time for one final feature and that's a little

something called plugs what you nope there's more there it is that was tug while you plug by ebb and ease or scrooge oh speaking of scary that was good hey i just pictured myself me and deanna bermuda dance into that song yeah it was magical yeah went on a little too long for a dance as far as i'm concerned as far as i'm concerned and for a plug scene all right kevin you wanted to talk about your book right have we have we

discussed it at all yeah i was gonna want to read the whole book oh yeah yeah please yeah maybe there's not enough time for that yeah uh but yeah october 25th yeah this week yeah incredibly my best with fame and uh if you're looking for it uh in the library of congress uh you'd go to sony and usually will have it yeah library of congress does carry it online um but at any bookstore any bookstore and you would look for it under neil and comma kevin right yeah yeah yeah you go the name first yeah the last name first yeah and it's also you'll recognize my picture on the front what section in the library it would be probably under best books do you have that section in the library just best books i think so okay interesting best books

south by the front door all right donald dump what do you want to plug well i'm striking out on tour going to the midwest the east coast that's a funny joke i mean you're striking out we're striking out on tour the third word isn't a baseball yeah tour but what else can you say yeah yeah yeah check out big grande on tour we're going around it's going to be fun when you say we what do you mean me and other umpires probably dressed as umpires doing calls okay interesting and this is uh the end of this month end of this month september november october november excuse me yeah yeah okay incredible and robby dill moodle what do you want to plug uh let's see here you can check out uh the four episode podcast moonshine land wherever you like to get podcasts four episodes four episodes four

manageable number as opposed to this show which is 780 at this point it's unwieldy scott okay and i want to plug uh obviously head over to cbb world if you want to hear the archives if you want to hear kevin's previous episodes his uh episode number two as well as the uh the last time you were on the show a couple years ago i have to mention this book is also on audible books oh it is do you read how do you read caricatures well as like i said there's uh adjoining anecdotes anecdotes yeah but do you do you do you like describe the caricatures yeah okay so this looks like prints obviously but uh no no we have pdfs that people will look at oh really yeah true thing so they look they look at the pdf while they're driving and if they want to yeah if they can take

a break from their phone call yeah um okay uh what do i want to plug glad uh the comedy bang bang book coming in april of 2023 next year uh you can pre-order it now at your favorite booksellers and uh head over to cbbworld.com slash book for more info on that all the links are there including links to the autographed editions which i'm signing we have uh cbb presents so many good stuff over there scott hasn't seen uh also uh ad-free episodes of thredum and the archives all right let's close up the old plug bag take one hand put it up take the other put it down you're gonna make a box it's time to start to close it but don't close it too much or you open up

the plug bag we're opening up the plug bag and when you open up that plug bag you will open up your heart for the rest of the world i'm talking open up the plug bag all right that was plug glasses at night that's your uh basketball buddy ben shorts you must play basketball with him don't you oh yeah we played for like 12 years yeah that's right how do you like his singing voice i like it i think you know he's still i think he's still training voice training oh yeah he's still been in training but he's gonna he's gonna go pro soon i think so i think so yeah definitely uh thanks to joziah oliveria or oliveria yeah oliveria thank you so much to hozaya oliveria for that wonderful uh plug closing up the plug bag theme and guys i

want to thank you so much kevin always great to see you i wish you continued success uh with whatever you choose to do after this uh i hope it's even better than the book but we all gotta be it's gotta be really i thought you said you were both proud of it all right well i'm proud of my attempt and donald dump i'm proud of you obviously oh thank you scott me too um next time i go to a game i'll be thinking of you every call every single call that was an umpire oh that's right that one guy i had on the show and robby delmuda good luck to you uh we'll see you there on friday and if you put your hand on her butt we're gonna kick you out of the the dance we've all made an agreement three of us that's fair that's fair what if she puts her hand on my butt

you're back for it see all right we'll see you next time thanks bye