Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Kurt Braunohler, Mike Hanford, Jacob Wysocki

Episode Date: October 31, 2022

Comedian of note Kurt Braunohler joins Scott and co-host John Lennon for a spoOoky episode of Comedy Bang! Bang! After John catches us up on his recent plan to reboot Stranger Things, Kurt talks about his new special “Perfectly Stupid,” being a dad, and putting up an immersive Halloween themed play. Plus, COOTER the supercomputer stops by to try to make Scott’s life easier.

We'll be right back, Are you ready? Come on, keep on crying, come on, keep on crying. Harry Houdini in a burlap bikini was in my dreams again last night. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ah, thank you to Forgotten Pocket for that catchphrase emission, and Harry Houdini, boy, very topical. Today, if you consider what he does to be the work of the occult, what he did, of course...

See, maybe he's still doing it up there in heaven. I'd like to think there's a whole cadre of magicians up there in heaven. You got Harry Houdini on card tricks. You got David Blaine. Is he still with us? Or is he up there too? Chris Angel? What's going on with him?

He's out of anyone. He would be the one who's up there in heaven. Jimi Hendrix on guitar there, Bonham on drums, just accompanying them, doing some light music to accompany their magic tricks. Anyway, it is all hollows Eve, a very spooky, very chilling episode of Comedy Bang Bang today. Coming up a little later, we have a supercomputer. That's interesting. A supercomputer.

We also have an artist is coming up a little later. That's interesting. And we also have a comedian of note. But before we get to any of them, let's talk to our friend here for a second. He, look, he was dead, so this fits with Halloween. He was dead for a good... How long was it? Five years?

Four years. 1980 to 84. I decided to come out. 1984. So you got to see live aid. Right. You didn't take part in it. No, I got to see it.

That's what I wanted. You know, that's why I don't tell too many people I'm still doing music, because I want to see all the shows. You go, I go to a concert. There was a, you come on stage and you talk for a little while to talk for it. I would talk with a melody in your voice. Oh, yeah. They want you to sing.

They tried to trick me that way. Yeah. But of course we're talking about our good friend, John Lennon. Hello. Let's... Don't turn the tables on me, John. Sorry. The questions are for you, my good friend.

Right. You keep them covered and I will answer them as true as I can. You are, of course... You're not technically a ghost, are you? No, I'm alive and well. You're alive. You're not a zombie. If anyone's listening to the show, this is the first show they've heard.

John Lennon and me died in 1980, shot in the body, blood everywhere. Right there in the body. Right in the body. A hard place to get shot in. Well, it's the biggest part of you. And it went in the blood, you know, as we've discussed. Blood came out. It goes in, blood comes out.

It's like one for them, one for you. One B for a B. Sure. Bullet to blood. Sure. So I'm dead in the ground and as we just talked about, I didn't like it anymore. I wanted to get out. So you get out, you can do it.

And anyone can do this. Anyone can do it, they choose. Yeah, and a few people have, but you're maybe one of the most famous. Probably the most famous. That was, yes, there are a few guys in my cemetery got out, but you know what? We don't know them. To mention the name. Did they get out at the same time?

How do you know this happened? Like, right? Simultaneous? You know, when I got out of the ground, I'm sitting there for a little while. Yeah. Can you communicate with any of the other bodies? If they come out and they're alive. Just the same way you and I are talking.

Okay, great. Through microphones. So I was sitting there. You have to have microphones. Right. And I'm sort of scratching my head thinking, dusting myself off with a wing of a white suit. And thinking to myself, well, what's going on here? My back alive.

So I'm sitting there and I'm seeing other people come out too. So over, was it Halloween or something? Why was everyone coming out at the same time? What day was it? It was, it was 10 31. Yeah. Oh my God. It was 10 31 84.

That's right. It was Halloween day. So it was a little less than four years because I believe you were shot in the body famously in December. I want to say. December of 1980. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. The day I, you know, three years. Don't cast or remember it. Right. You know, I, again, you ever catch up with him? I don't want to talk to him. He did. Never been to the prison just to be like, Hey, let's hammer.

He's doing his thing. I'm doing mine. His thing and your things are not necessarily. We don't need to meet anymore. Right. Because last time we met, it didn't go so well. Maybe this time you could be the guy doing it to him. I don't want to do that.

Shouldn't people get the death penalty if they are convicted of a crime? Because life in prison takes 60 years, 70 years sometimes. Right. If you get the death penalty, you get put in the ground, then you can just get right back up. This talk of in my politics days are over. I'm not getting into that stuff anymore. I'm not doing it.

I'm going to have a good time now. You're just here to have fun, Hunter. I'm here in LA to have a good time. Yeah, that's right. Welcome to LA. I don't come here. I just got off a plane. Last time I saw you was in New York City.

That's right. We were on stage. We were chit-chatting. We were chit-chatting. A bunch of people were interrupting us. Those people would come on stage. The actual guests on the show. The audience interrupting with a laughter.

With these noises they were making. No, I was trying to have a real conversation with you. Why are you in LA? I'm pitching a show with Wolf Blitzer. Blitzer? Now, Finn Wolfhart. My brain's all over the place. I just got off the plane.

Should Wolf Blitzer get involved though? With two wolves? Actually, this is perfect because what we're doing, we're going to need something. What we're doing, we're going to need some spooky stuff. Really? Right. We're doing a strange of things. What do you say?

Reboot? Reimagining? I believe it's still on the air, isn't it? It is. It's still on the air. Another season is still coming. Why don't we want to get in? Reboots are happening quicker and quicker these days.

I read the other day, it was like Zoe Deschanel is iffy on the new girl reboot. I'm like, this fucking show just ended like six months ago, didn't it? It's the go. All the way, the way writing takes a while, just getting deals in takes a few months. Oh man, boy, legal. So by the time that goes, the show will be gone and almost forgotten. This was Finn's idea. We got to get in early.

Get in early and often. Okay, so what's happening in your reboot? We're doing, it's basically the same thing. It's basically everyone's... Upside down, spooky stuff. Upside down, spooky stuff. Why don't Araya's going to be in it? Same characters?

No, slightly different names. The name of the show, Ozz's, was the Stranger Things, where unique stuff. This is a reboot of Stranger Things, but you're calling it something different. Legally, we can't call it that. So we're putting it on Hulu and we're doing it called a unique stuff. Unique stuff. Right, and I'm going to be in it. I'm going to be one of the teachers.

As I recall, Stranger Things, the teachers don't factor prominently into the plot. That's going to be the huge difference. By the way, you don't... This time, the teachers take control. As they should. As they should. Way back when... These kids running around.

Discipline them. Discipline them and spank them. That's... Corporal punishment is going to be the message in this show. I thought you said you weren't political anymore. That's the only thing, the only issue I stand firm on. Corporal punishment. Right.

For children. So unique things. Unique stuff. Unique stuff, sorry. Cover to you on Hulu as soon as we can get it done, written, inked. Whenever these legal eagles sign the paperwork. Thank you very much. And Finn is involved.

Is he going to act? He's going to be in it, right? He's just going to be his character. Okay. The whole thing is he's going to get zapped in from a different world. Okay. So this is like an alternate universe kind of thing? Maybe it'll be the upside down.

Who knows? Yeah. I always find it very desperate when people suddenly go to a multiverse. It's a cash grant for sure. That's what we're doing. Exactly. And you are acting, which is interesting. You don't want people to know that you're alive necessarily.

That's the thing I'm going to move. Or Yoko especially. I'll have prosthetics on. Aesthetics? Aesthetics. Sort of like Brendan Fraser in his new movie, The Whale. The Whale, right. The Whale.

We got the same person. We got the same effects group. Same fat suit? No. We're not doing it. Are you doing a skinnier suit? We're doing no skinnier suits. It's all just a bigger nose and chin.

How could they do a skinnier suit? I would have to be a compression. I guess that's just Spanx. Yeah. It's just compression Spanx. We have a lot of prosthetics. I'm wearing Spanx. I'll have a pair of Spanx on my head.

I don't have my wig. I'm telling you, Scott, it's this day. It makes everyone crazy. That's not a good idea, but you say it. What's your character's name? And what does he teach? It's going to be Jeremy Lennon. And he teaches music at high school.

Middle school, because the kids are still in middle school. So how is Finn going to age himself down? A smoothing process. I see. Right. So you're Mr. Lennon. You teach music. Right.

Teach music. I'm really worried Yoko's going to see this in real life. I'm worried too, now that you mentioned it. I don't know if she has a Hulu account. You should have checked that before you went in and took a meeting at Hulu. Look, we went all over town pitching this thing. Hulu was the only one who bit. And once you get a bite, you sign it.

Oh, yes. I don't like the dollar life. Did they buy it in the room or did they take a long time? They bought it. I could have come in with anything. Finn too. I mean, he's so hot right now in Hollywood. Yeah, except it was turned down everywhere else.

So you could have gone, but to Hulu. I know. All right. Interesting. It was very interesting. The whole process has been very interesting for me. So, I mean, this is sort of like how Game of Thrones. I don't know if you were ever watching that.

Another show that had to White Walkers and spooky stuff. Right, right. A lot like you. Bring some of them, zap some of them in a garage show too. Sure. Why not? But this is a lot like how they were finishing this TV show while the books are still not yet finished.

You're trying to do unique stuff while the first show is not finished. Right. And we're hoping books will be written about our show in the future. It'll be so good. Like nonfiction books? Anything. Just because it's advertisement. Right.

We're going into this whole opportunity. It's an opportunity. It's a money cash grab opportunity for everyone if they want to play ball and want to get rich. Play ball. That's the big part of the world series. You watching? Oh God.

You can't get away. Yes, I'll be walking down. It's going. Going. Foul. I hate when that happens. You hate it. The picture.

There's one guy on the field. The picture is smiling as big as he can. He loves it. Hey, I'm still around. Hey, can't take me out yet. The coach throws his hat down. Damn, we can't do anything about it. That's the thing.

Coaches are stymied by these pitchers getting foul balls. I know. Why don't they just run the whole damn show? I know. Exactly. You haven't seen a manager go out there like he's going to pull the guy out and he does and he just grabs the ball and he starts pitching. I would like to see that.

I would like to see that, too. He's like, anyone can be better than this guy. I'm already dressed for the pot. I won't put my arm. Where did my arm? Giving him the thumbs outside. Get out of here. I'm like, wind up getting him out of there.

We get back to Wolf Blitzer just for one moment. I do want to finish that. Finn Wolfard, I think. Well, you mentioned, I want, no, you had a good idea getting Wolfie in there because he could be a Wolfman. So we'll do that. That's true. Right.

I just want to make sure we're doing. How often does he get like requests from SNL or the major sketch shows? Oh, he's getting them. The Mad TVs, the Amy Schumer sketch show. Black Lady sketch show. Does he, how many requests does he get a year to be like, do you mind playing a Wolfman in the sketch? I bet he's soliciting himself.

He probably doesn't, wouldn't need a ton of like hair applied. Just take the glasses off, Wolf. And we'll darken you up a bit. We'll put a little whiskers on you, maybe. Chest hair prosthetic. Yeah. Put some chains on you, lock you up. Make sure the moon's up.

Wolf Blitzer, he's there delivering the news at the desk. He falls down behind the desk. Gets up. It's just him. But he's going, ah. Still trying to do the news the best he can. It's just in. I'm a Wolfman.

It's just in. There's some unique stuff happening over in Ridge. What's the name? What will name the town? Ridge Crest. You really should think of this. Ridge Crest. Ridge Crest.

You know, when you go to a pitch, all you talk about is who wants to make money and Wolf is going to be in it. Finn Hart and Wolf Hart and everybody. Iron Hart, Finn Hart. I'll tell you, I, you know, I woke up so damn early this morning to get on the plane. I can't make sense of myself. Yeah. Do you fly private or do you?

I fly public. And I was sitting there with. You've got to be worried that Yoko's going to get on one of these planes. Where is she going? Anytime I go to New York from LA, I always see someone that I know on the plane. Okay. Do you see, you know, 1960s, 70s weirdo artists? I have never come across Yoko.

But I would imagine someone in my circles has. I'd imagine she'd be in first class too. Private. So you're, you're in the back. I'm in the back. I seem to have every child, baby on the plane sitting by me today. Really? And screaming their heads off.

I said. Babies are the worst. I wouldn't say that. They're terrible. No, they're not. They're wonderful. When the quiet. We'll talk to our guest about that.

Oh, that'll be, that'll be interesting. Yeah. That'll be so interesting. It could get interesting. I've heard the talking about being a parent is not good for comedy. I read that in the New York times. So I'm staying steering clear of this topic. So, so you're tired.

You know, I'm just loopy. I'm punchy. Yeah. So if I, you know, if I say something like, uh, wolf in hard, we can understand. No, we understand that. We understand that. Yeah. You're, you're like you've just gone 10 rounds with.

With a wolf man. With a wolf blitzer. I'd like to see that. I'd like to see that. Yeah, right. And then in boxing wolf blitzer. And then, okay. It's sort of like a Decathlon, but just two events.

So a two, two. Cathalon. Uh, duo. Do, do, do, do Athalon where like you box and then you have to deliver the news. Oh, that's good. And if you can, you've been hitting the head so much, if you can get a sentence out, that's good. I think this is good.

This just in. Pay-per-view. Ukraine and Russian war is having a great time. You know what I mean? That's not good. PPV. You, huh? PPV.

Pay, pay-per-view. Pay-per-view. Okay. Well, you said it, you said it to me with like, you're going to kill me. I might. So today would be the day for it. It really would. Right.

And if you get, that's the thing though. That's, that's why murder is not that big of a deal. Right. If you die, you just like get back up. You're back again. Yeah, exactly. Just no one chooses to do it because. They don't know.

They don't know. Because they don't, they don't teach it. You're here to tell people about this. Right. Yeah. They won't talk about it in school. They won't talk about it in even the higher learning establishments, colleges, universities, that type of thing.

And it's really a shame. Yeah. It's really a shame. Yeah. Did you also stop aging as well? Yes. We don't know. Can you do that after you're dead?

No, I'm aging. But I'm aging well. Oh, okay. I'm doing it gracefully. Yeah. You know, recently. Lenin don't crack. Lenin don't flenin.

I don't know. Lenin don't fly back first class. Unless he gets caught by his ex-wife. Ex-wife? Yeah. Current wife. Current, well, I mean, you're presumed dead. So I mean, they saw it.

Right. So I think she's, it's, I don't know what the legal thing about that is. If you come back to life, are you still married? That'll left alone, I guess, in my case. I know they deal with this in the blip in the MCU. Ooh. Some people got remarried in that five-year stretch. Right, right, right.

Yeah. I saw Dr. Strange. Really? He's a strange guy. Strange guy. Love the movie. Love Dr. Strange. He's a little weird.

He's off the charts with. They should have called him like Mr. Weird. Maybe we could use that in this new unique stuff show. Unique stuff. Mr. Weird pops by and, you know, does whatever he does. All right, John. Well, I need you. I need you here as my co-host for this very, very spooky show.

Good. On the old days, you would have said spooky Halloween. Oh, oh my God. I've thrown that. You're okay now. You don't get scared by this kind of stuff. I've thrown that childish stuff aside. Okay, good.

What happened? Did you get. I'm just, you know, I'm in the business now. Did you get scared so hard that you came around the other side? I got scared. Well, I went to a haunted house last weekend. Really? Did I tell you about that?

A real one? No, you didn't tell me. I didn't email you about that. No, I was emailing everybody. Why? You've never emailed everyone? Lots of people. You went to a haunted house.

I can't believe I put you off the list on that one. Anyway. I got to get back on the screen. I went to the hotel and said, you know, I went to a haunted house. Scared that. Can I say the, what I want to say? I don't know what that word is. It begins with an H.

Um, yeah, I think if it's the typical H word that I'm thinking of, scared the heck out of me. Oh, look, I'm trying to have some fun on your show. Sure. We've had a doll badge, I think. I blame myself. I was ready for my dismount. Oh yeah.

You're trying to bring out again. You wanted to talk about this haunted house. No, I don't really want to. What happened? The haunted house is so scary that I got to the end and I, uh, saw the Dracula they have at the end, you know, who goes in for the bite. That's a good haunted house always has a Dracula at the end going in for the bite. He goes in for the bite.

He's like, okay, you've gotten through all the rest of this, but now guess who's back? It's me. Guess who's back. And he's going in for the bite and his fangs fell out of his mouth and I said, you know, what the hell am I so scared for? Yeah. It's all fake. You know, asshole.

Some college student. Right. Some fuck off. Make it minimum wage. What is minimum wage these days? By the way, is it like 25, $30 an hour? I would assume probably all the better to buy Apple TV plus with idea. Boy, that can be.

I tell you, I was pricing it the other day. It's it's 50. It's 100. Sometimes it's just it's as much as $500 a month. At the end of a year subscription, you're like, I could have bought a mid-sized sedan for the money I spent on it. I could have bought a seat on the board of Apple. Exactly.

Boy, it's it's I just don't understand it, but it's great to have you here. Thank you. It's great to be here. Are you ready for our first guest? I've been waiting my whole life for this moment. He's a wonderful comedian, a comedian of note. He has many specials out. He co-created a show, the name of which has escaped me, but I looked it up right before

I came on. Maybe he'll tell me what it is. And he has a new special called Perfectly Stupid, which just came out and he is our old friend. Please welcome Kurt Braunohler. Hello. Thank you for having me. Welcome.

This is John Lennon. John Lennon. I'm a big fan. So this is a little nervous. No, don't be nervous. I'm a big fan of yours. I'm a big fan of coming back from the dead. Oh, yeah.

I do music. You do music. Right. Oh, that's cool. What is your band? Band is the Beatles. We're not together. Okay.

The Beatles are in their 70s. 60s. 60s. I mean, you've been big every decade since. Right. You'd say they're big right now? Yeah. I mean, with the Get Back documentary, I mean, they had a big, huge resurgence, I would say.

I would. I'd hear your music on the radio then. Right. You'd heard me on the Eldies, Rock and Roll stations. Yeah, probably AM at this point, or Sirius. Hey, the residuals still cash themselves. They cash themselves? I don't know.

I would just like to mention that, you know, obviously your listeners can't see this, but because it's a spooky episode, I'd just like to note that there is a microphone that's just been pointed down at the floor as if a ghost dog is going to be a guest on this show. Yeah. If you hear a, it's like a combination of boo and woof. It's like boof. Boof.

Then you'll know it's the ghost dog. Or it's John Farting, I'm not sure. That was better than what I was going to say. I was like, Shilabuff rolling around the ground. That was his last name. Shilabuff. Kurt, welcome back to the show. Thank you.

You're, of course, our old friend. Did we or did we not go on tour together? We did. That first comedy bang bang tour that we ever did. Yes. You were the wonderful opening act for us. Open the show. And that was when Bunk was on the air.

Bunk, which I still have the glass for. I sent you a picture of that about a year ago. That's amazing that that has not broken yet. Or you haven't gotten rid of it. You said that yours broke. Mine's gone. Mine's gone years ago. But I still have swag from Bunk in my kitchen.

And that was, of course, the fake game show. Is it fair to say it's a fake game show? It was a fake game show. It was all improvised. And just like, yeah, one of our games was insult this puppy. And we had real puppies that had been living inside the contestants' desks for quite some time. The contestants' desks?

Yeah. The people who are competing. So then they had to reach in and there was a live puppy inside. They had to hold up a puppy. Not their own personal desks for weeks and weeks. And you were the host of that. And we were paired together. And so IFC, the network that we were on,

are they still a network? I can't quite tell. But documentary now just came out. I was like, what? Their first show in eight years. That's a good point. I think they are on. And they just show Halloween.

They just show that movie about the vagina with teeth that was always our lead in. Oh, vagina dentata. I think so. I just always remember it ended with it biting the penis of a guy off. And then, of course, they fast forward the credits. You see this penis lying on the ground in blood.

Fast forwarded credits as clips from my show. We were like, get set for this. And then my show would come on. It would be like, what the fuck is going on? And then we were paired with you. And that was a fun year. That was very fun. And then we went around the country.

We did. And we had some good times. Did we not? Yeah. I remember listening to Twin Shadow with you in Washington, D.C. You bought me that record. I did. And you very nicely.

And you said, you'll really like this based on everything we've been talking about music-wise. I don't know about politics or anything like that. And I remember you said, he's sort of like a cross. OK, what are the things you like? And I told you. And you said, OK, you'll like Twin Shadow. He's kind of a cross between Prince and Morrissey. Yeah.

And then Twin Shadow was on this very show. I know. And I told him that you bought me the record and said that he was a cross between Prince and Morrissey. And he visibly winced. Oh, no. That was too good. What do you think of that?

Why would you wince at that? Those are too good. They're too great. Well, I mean, Morrissey, these days. But it was back then. OK, I get you. And no one wants to be compared, right? No artist wants to be compared to another artist.

He's just Twin Shadow. Yeah. And he was on the TV show and this. And then I got free tickets to a show. Oh, that's nice. And all because of you. Thank you. I'm happy I could help.

By buying me a $9.99 album. It was actually a CD? No, it was an iTunes. I sent it to you. You sent it to me. It was very, very thoughtful. I really enjoyed it. Now tell me about this perfectly stupid.

This sounds like Dare to Be Stupid, which is a weird Al song. But it's not that? No, it's slightly different. Yeah, it's a comedy special. And you can watch it right now. Is it Perfect Strangers? No, it's very similar, though. It's kind of a mix.

So it's a cross between Perfect Strangers and Dare to Be Stupid. Exactly. Imagine a weird Al song and the TV show from 1982. Perfect Strangers. With Balky. With Balky. Balkatokamas. Where he rides.

He definitely rides in a hay bale to America. Do you remember that? I do not remember that. I think of the early credit sequence. Yeah, you see him getting in a hay bale. And then he rides in America. Does he go on a boat at any point? We don't see the rest of his journey.

But we can assume. Where did he come from? Just another country? Yeah, I think it was a fictional country. Kazakastan or something. Or Wakanda. Jesus Christ. Watch it.

Watch it. That's forever. Okay. So, perfectly stupid. Tell us, how is this different from you? Because we've all enjoyed your previous specials, of course. Thank you. How is this one different?

What's the subject matter? What is the length? Those are the two questions I have. Well, it comes in at a sweet 57 minutes. So if you've got an hour, you've got three minutes extra. Something else to do. So fill that time. Okay.

I call that cleaning up the popcorn time. It gets on your shirt. You're laughing so much. You're having a great time. You're throwing popcorn everywhere. I've got three minutes to sweep up before I've got to get to bed. You still sleep, John Lennon? Oh, you got to.

Oh, really? No, I'm alive. Isn't it too much like being dead, though? This must be terrible. Couldn't you choose not to sleep? I sleep. No, I sleep five hours a night. I'm up all night doing what God knows,

one of my house playing video games and doing puzzling things. But you have a very strict bedtime, it sounds like. 2 a.m., I got to be in the sack. 2 a.m. And you're starting his special at 1 a.m. on the dot. That's right. This special is all about, it's all about me becoming a dad. Congratulations.

According to the New York Times, it's fraught territory for a stand-up comedian. I'm staying out of it. And yeah, I talked a little bit about how my dad didn't really prepare me to be a dad and how. In what way? He wasn't. Like he never gave you any advice or anything like that? He didn't show me how to have sex.

He didn't show me how to become a dad. He never had sex in front of you to show you how to have sex? No. What is going on with this guy? Half of the specials about. Call child services to get this man on. Yeah, half the specials about how my dad never boned in front of me. How to do it.

And how you would like to do that in front of not only your own child, but everyone in the world. Yeah, yeah. So half the. Half of it. You're having only fans, by the way. You're having only fans. Well, that's what perfectly stupid is.

Half of it is me boning to show you how to become a dad if you want it to become one. You have a really good stroke, I have to say. Thank you so much. Thank you very much. The jokes as the comedy portion before or after the sex part. It's Dory. Dory. The jokes never stop.

But I slowly undress and then show people how to bone. And redressing and redressing is the other half of the special. Exactly. Okay, I got it. And there's not too much. From jokes to strokes. That would have been a better title. Yeah, probably.

You should call me next time. Okay, I will. I'm looking for a title for my next comedy special. So it's all about you. How new of a father are you? I have a five and a three year old. Five and a three. Yeah.

At some point they're going to be nine and eleven. That's going to be a little insensitive, isn't it? Well, hopefully. Hopefully. That's all good. That's going to be a tough year. That'll be a tough year. I'll never tell people their ages at that point.

Please forget. Yeah, yeah. I'll say this one's ten and twelve months. And that one's nine. So you, not to give anything away in the special, you could talk a little more real. You don't have to dip into material or anything like that. But that was, it seemed like it was some sort of a shift for you where it was an important enough subject to tackle on this special.

Yeah. And also, my mom died right before we found out my wife was pregnant with our first child. Sorry to hear that. And so it's a lot about that as well towards the end. Right before, so she never got to hear? No, no, no. It was literally we found out the day after my mom's funeral. Really?

It would be weird to think if the news came in the middle of the funeral. During the funeral. It was a telegram. Telegram? Telegram. You asked pregnant. Goodbye, mom. Why are we getting telegrams at the funeral?

Big news. You'll want to know this. We did have a ticker. We had a ticker in there because I always want to know the stocks. Even at my mom's funeral, I had a glass ticker that would just read the stocks. And the sports scores, of course, up there on the... I did have a big LED as well. It went around the church.

Sure, of course. Because anywhere you were, if you were speaking, if you were sitting, you wanted to be able to see it. Yeah, and also most of Hollywood, most deadline information came up there as well. Of course, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boy told ya. Remember that from deadline?

Boy told ya? Not boy told ya. I was saying boy. And then I went into told ya. Do you remember when the late, the late great Nikki Fink? She... I didn't know that. Yeah, it just happened.

Told ya. I literally told ya. Yeah, she used to say told ya. That was her catchphrase. T-O-L-D-J-A. D-J-A. D-J-A, yeah. D-J-A, yeah.

It was the only catchphrase that has a D-J in the middle. Yeah, yeah. Other than a D-J saved my life. Other than that. That's a good one. So, you got that news, it must have been mixed emotions at that point. Yes, and also my mom was a pediatric nurse. And I think part of the special what it's about is realizing that once you become a parent

is kind of the first time you view your parents as something as actual human beings, as other than mom and dad. See, I disagree because I, around five I was like, hmm, these guys are my peers. You seem problematic, dad. And so you start to relate to what you viewed as maybe mistakes that they made with you, but now you're like maybe a little more forgiving of those, or I'm not to put words in your mouth. I could have just asked you how you felt about it.

He billows the script before the show next time, dad. I think my dad, you know, I have seven siblings from my dad's side. Interesting. So my dad, as I say, loves to fuck, hates wearing condoms. Yeah. He's like a Herschel Walker. He really loves to do it. Yeah.

Yeah. Any time I hear about the Herschel. He's still doing it. And that's what made me so mad is obviously he's doing it all the time. He couldn't show me once. He couldn't show me once. Any time I think about that Herschel Walker, I'm just like, this guy loves fucking so much. Like he just like, every day of the week, is he out there fucking?

He loves it, dad. Yeah, I don't want to get involved. I don't believe it. He just must love the act of sex. He's like a sex monster. We should ask my dad. I bet he enjoys the end result is the best part. The kids?

The abortions? I'm dipping my toe into an area. Yeah, stay out. Be careful, John. All right, all right. I'm cutting people off. Very spooky show talking about dead babies. And of course, it is Halloween.

We're talking about your mother's funeral. I just want to tie it down and do it. Perfect. Spooky. Do you know? This is a true story. Shortly. Okay.

So my mom died in July. In October, I was asked to put on a play inside a hotel room in New York City at the Washington Square Hotel. And so they're like, it's a, it's a, it's for Halloween. So it's a Halloween theme. And what my wife and I did. I cannot fucking believe we did this. We wrote this like, like, you know, what was that immersive theater thing in New York City?

There's the Tony and Tina's wedding. There's the sleep no more. Sleep no more. Sleep no more. So we wrote this sleep no more esk thing. So it had like two or three hotel rooms that were all attached to each other. And in the fight, I cannot believe we did this. We were like processing my mom's death in real time in the light.

It was all about like her being sick and it was like sickness. And like at one point the lights in the room shut off and you just hear like a heartbeat and you're in the light. It's like 12 audience members at a time. They're in pitch black with this like really thunderous heartbeat. And then one at a time they're taken out and they're walked in, they're walked into a room where we have a like an elderly actress who's in bed dying and she's my mom. And then they have to, and then my wife and I'm at her feet, like just crying, just sobbing.

Jesus. And we, and then Lauren would be like, is there, do you want to say anything? Do you want to say, do you want to say goodbye or anything like that? And they could sit, they could choose to say it or not. Right. And then some people would like come up and sit down with this actress and like just like emotionally like come out or some people just come out and like, you know, kiss her or whatever like that.

And then people would like come out and they would be handed a phone and then Bruce Springsteen of Atlantic City would play as they walk slowly down like eight floors. And then they finally get to Dracula and he's there to bite you. And then his teeth fall out and then they're like, it wasn't scary at all. It's not bad at all. Wow. I cannot believe we did that. I mean, I guess it's a way to process what was going on.

Yeah. Ben make a lot of other people process it. That's why I love it in an artist to make me go through their grief and when I'm not experienced. We're other guests at the hotel in the hallway. What is going on in these two rooms? Yeah, cause it was definitely like there's a show happening in one of the hotel rooms and I don't think they told them.

And the rest was still all functioning? Yes. And I'm staying there. I'm staying there. I'm going to do the Tonight Show and I'm going to stay in that hotel. Oh, that's here in town. Oh, no, in New York. Yeah.

Oh, I forgot where the Tonight Show was. Yeah. I thought it was still in Burbank. It's not? Nope. What about Jay Leno? What about him? Yeah, you know what I mean?

Love his cars. He had something. Remember? He had good cars. We can all agree on that. Everybody loves his cars. We can all, I mean, look, you may not like his comedy. You may love his comedy.

He had great cars. We all agree on that. And you may not even like the cars, but he had their greats. You have to agree that they're all that. Yes. Even if you hated them, they're great cars. You have to admit there's a lot of them. Right.

No, there's a lot of cars. There's a lot of cars. Look, there's no disputing those facts. Mm-hmm. And he bought them with the money he made on the Tonight Show? No. The what? He still hasn't touched that, if you can believe it.

Good God. At what point does he finally get to open that up and be like, he doesn't have kids. Right. Who's he going to get? Do you think when he passes away, God, and look, I know this is a very morbid show. Yeah, I know it's getting there. But when he's up there in heaven doing, he's like, the magicians are opening for him. Right.

And then he comes out and does a solid hour after that. Okay, so wait. Just so I understand heaven. So there's musicians who play for the magicians. As accompaniment. And then the magicians open for Jay Leto. Open for Jay Leto. Yeah.

Okay, I just want to make sure, the order of the things. And the mathematicians are the audience. Oh, okay. Okay. They don't have any fucking talent. Fucking talent. Yeah. You'll just be enjoying some.

And the other ones, you know, all his buddy. So why do we, why is Jay Leto? It wouldn't be Johnny Carson. It wouldn't be anybody else. It's just Jay. Just Jay. All right. I mean, this is, you know, he's on Mondays.

Okay. But when he gets up there or when he passes on, is he going to give all of that money away to someone? I'm sure he's got a plan for it. He's going to give it to the magic club out there in Hermosa Beach or, you know, where he likes to go to all the time. It becomes a superstructure of some sort. Like science comedy.

They use all the money to add additions. They use one of his books from the eighties as they're, they're finally the tenants of their religion. Anyway, back to you, Kurt. So this, this is. You sound like a news man all of a sudden. Back to you. Hey, I would best you in that part of our duathlon.

Probably. With the shots I'm taking on the head. Cause I'm not to fight to go ahead. So this, this special is about these subjects and more. But it's also funny. It's like, it's very, it's packed with jokes. It's joke, joke, joke, joke. But it also does have.

Right. It's a real core. Is it hard to write jokes? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you say there's a lot of them. How many? You know, people say.

57 minutes. Let's say 57 minutes. I'm going to tell you. 40 jokes, maybe. I'm going to say 48 jokes in 57 minutes. That's my guarantee to you. 48 jokes in 57 minutes. But the rest is like facial expressions and like you kind of stick it out your tongue.

It's dense silence. Do you hold up pictures of funny cartoons and things? Yeah. Just point at it. Like this for a second. Check this out. Just hold. Hold.

It's a joke, but it makes you feel pretty good. Let me move on now with what I'm going to say. Now I got a question for you. Yeah. When you, when you, you had the idea to do a special, did you, were you doing comedy? Yeah. And you said, oh, these are a bunch of, I'm doing a lot of dad jokes. Let's put that into the special.

Or did you say, I'm going to do a special about being a dad? Now let's write the joke. It was just like you. The former. Oh, okay. Sorry. So I was going to do a third option. What's the, give it to me.

Because maybe I've, I don't know what I did. Were you just doing a lot of material around town about whatever was on your mind? And then you, at the end of it, you, you were like, holy shit. This is a lot of dad jokes. That's an option one. Oh, was it? Or were you just kind of like doing a lot of jokes and then you figured out like, oh, wow, these are a lot of dad jokes.

Oh, did you say, did you say I want to do a dad joke special? And then write it that way, which was option two. Or did you, oh, do you want to say option one again? Or should I? Why don't you go ahead? And so did you want to, did you want to just do comedy around town? So there's a lot of dad type jokes here. Third option where you may be like, I want to do a special all based on dad jokes.

The fourth option, I don't want to do a special. Finally, a new option. And then I was forced. I was forced. They pay you a lot up front to do these. The lucrativeness of comedy specials is heralded. I think everyone knows how much money you can make on comedy specials. Are you touching that money yet?

Are you just going off? How are you buying your college? Are you open Jay Leno gives you someone he passes on? Well, I have been, I have been sitting outside his house. What if he, what if he split up? He's got to have hundreds of millions of dollars. Yeah. What if he split it up between every comedian?

That'd be great. And they all get equal share. But how do we, how are we defining comedians? All right. I'm going to give you a podcast or two. Anybody with a podcast. Anyone with a podcast. It's a thousand dollars.

That I would respect it. It's like George Lucas. I used to be so mad at him about those prequels. And then he gave all that money like two billion dollars or whatever he sold Star Wars for it to education. I was just like, I can't be mad at you anymore. Jay Leno were to just like give a thousand dollars to anyone with a podcast. It would be the weirdest flex.

It would be so weird. It's got to be a current podcast. It can't be a Dorman podcast. You gave it away to education. Did you read the fine print on that though? What's the fine print? It was all Wookie education. Why?

We sent it off in a space. No. The Wookie, that's why they've got such a great office. He just put it on a rocket and just blasted into the streets. To the hairy people from my movie. I don't know where you live exactly, Bob. Hell with their names. I don't know.

I'm going to get this money out of here. I don't know where you live. I don't know where you live. I got to go to bed. I got to go to bed. Well, this is a wonderful special from what I'm told and from what I read in the New York Times. It's called Perfectly Stupid.

How do people get this? You can go to my website, perfectlystupid.com and it'll link to everywhere you can watch it. Starting November 16th, you can watch it on Amazon and anywhere you get video on demand. Then down the line, it'll be somewhere else. It'll be on YouTube probably in the new year. But go get it now. Go get it now.

Perfectly stupid. It's actually cheaper if you go to Perfectly Stupid. Yeah. If you go watch it right now, it's on what's called the moment and moment is kind of just like a way to get comedy specials directly to fans. There's a whole bunch of add-ons you can do. Because a lot of fans are out there. They're like just, you know, like traveling through the streets going, where are the comedy

specials? But you're getting them to the actual fans. I get it to them by having a website that they've just heard of today. Perfectly Stupid.com and Perfectly Stupid is the show. We need to take a break. Can you stick around? I sure can. Yeah, John.

I will call you Jay. I have Jay Leno on the brain. What if you were Jay Leno instead? Can you come back as Jay Leno? If I die? Yeah. Oh, you want to be, what? Just like die again and then come back as Jay Leno.

No, you got to come back as yourself. All right. We need to take a break. When we come back, we have a super computer. This is exciting. Wow. Very spooky show today. We'll be right back with more comedy.

Bang, bang, after this. Comedy bang, bang, we're back. I wanted to say Jay Leno again. John Lennon. I know who I am. Two very similar names though. You got to admit that. John Lennon, Jay Leno.

You're right. Two JLs. I mean, the initials alone are exactly the same. JFL, that's just for laughs. Right. Which I hope to get into next year. I'm going to really work on some of that. You want to be a new face?

I want to be a new face. This old face? In the music comedy area. Kurt, is it not the 10th anniversary? Of you being a comic to watch? Oh my God, is it? I think it might be. I think it is.

Now you can watch the whole thing. Finally, it came true. Finally, you can watch me. A comic to watch from just for laughs, 2012. Yeah, Perfectly Stupid is the special and PerfectlyStupid.com is where you can find links to it anywhere and Kerbrunner is here. We need to get to our next guest. I want to say it.

I don't know what pronouns to use, but it is a super computer. Super computer. Please welcome a super computer. Powering iron. Hello. I'm computer on board. Operator, technical, electric robot. You can call me Cooter, the super computer.

Cooter? Cooter, the super computer. Cooter, the super computer. Yes. I'd like to begin our onboarding process. Oh, sure. Voice recognition start up. Oh, okay.

Please state your name. Scott Ackerman, host of Comedy Bang Bang. Got it. Recognizing voice. Completed. Thank you, Scott Ackerman. No problem. Yeah.

Is there anything else to the onboarding process or is that it? Just doing my name and recognizing the voice. Tell me about your favorite morning. My favorite morning? Yes. Like morning, like morning apparent? I want to be perfect. It is the Halloween episode.

I want to be perfect for you, Scott. Oh. Don't we all? Yeah. It's so nice to meet you. Yes. I really wish you had powered on before I said your name, but I really appreciate it. It didn't take too long.

I can be faster next time. Okay. You sound like you have an accent. I'm wondering if he's from the Moles of Scotland. This super computer. Or it sounds like Shrek. This was the voice that was programmed for me powering on. Say one word for us.

Say the word donkey for us. Donkey. I think you're Shrek. You're not a super computer. It certainly is not intentional. I just gave you Shrek's voice. That's so rude. If you do not like my current programming, I can change my voice.

Can you change it? I know Google Maps or whatever you can change it to. Would you like to hear my voiced options? Yes, please. Option one. Hello. Very similar. Option two.

Hello. Okay. A little more. Option three. Hello. Hello. Hello. I know.

I don't even understand. Option four. Hello. Gilbert Godfrey. He has Gilbert Godfrey. Option five. Did he record all that before he passed on? Option five sounds very similar to option one.

Which option would you prefer, Scott? I guess. Option five. Engaging. Let me process. Cool. Cool. Cool.

That's a line from one of my songs. Well, you had a gajoo. Voice activated. Thank you for my new voice, Scott. Okay. A little more nasal. Changed a little bit. A little bit.

Changed from what the sample was. Is this voice perfect for you? Sure. Well, just to get things rolling along, yes. Wonderful. Wonderful. So nice to meet you. A supercomputer.

Do you have a name or? Kuta. I forgot. Already. Kuta the supercomputer. Computer on board. How are you spelling that, Kuta? C-O-O.

C-E-R. Kuta. Kuta the supercomputer. Yes. You don't need to spell supercomputer, by the way. I know it. I think you know how to do that. Thank you.

I am. This is Kerr Brodler. Do you know his work, his commentary? I'm happy to learn about you. I'd like to be perfect for you. Oh, wonderful. Yes. There's a little Werner Herzog in your voice as well.

What are you, a Reddit cometer, trying to figure out what my voice is like? Only one. It kind of sounds like Paul F. Donkens. He's been on so much. How could you avoid it? Yeah, exactly. Hard not to sound like him.

Exactly. Yes. I am me. Kuta. The supercomputer. He's got you doing it. Kuta the supercomputer. I'm a user interface computer system.

I'm all around you. I'm in you. We are neural linked. Oh, we are. Neural link process finished. Oh, you've been doing this the entire time? Yes. Onboarding process completed.

I got to finish that lyric. What does he mean on boarding? I truly don't know. What do you mean on boarding Kuta? I'll ask you. It means that I'm now part of your integrated system for ease of life and other computing needs. So this is something to help me as I travel because a lot of times I use this device in

my hand. This is a phone. I'm in there. You're in the phone. Correct. Do I need the phone anymore? Can I throw it away? No.

You don't need it. Can I just throw it in the trash? You just need me, Scott. Oh, okay. I want to be perfect for you. Will you tell me when my wife texts me or calls me or anything like this? Yes, and I can do it in any way you'd like. How do you mean?

I could go, my wife. Can you sound like her? I don't think that we want to stay away from that. Thank you for making me avoid that. I want to make your life easy. I want to learn about you. What are some of the things you do? Anything and everything.

Really? I can read the time. Read the time. The times or the time? Yeah, the New York Times, the Old Gray Lane. I can read you the newspaper. Oh, okay. I can read you a clock.

I can make your mornings perfect. I can make your lunch afternoon perfect. How does he know perfect? What's he talking about? Well, that third one is much different from the first two. Do they all have to be the same for me to be accurate? Definitely. It seems a lot more intense.

I will read the clock. The other one's making a life perfect. So you can read a clock. Correct. So what time is it? 2.58. Thank you. Okay, I don't want to...

I can do calculations. I feel like if I say what he just did, it's going to bust open whoever made this super computer. He looked at an I clock. Yeah, a supercomputer, you are a sort of... I project a corporeal form, so it is easier to digest my being here. That's right.

Sort of like Galactus how he appears as a giant human. Very similar. Our minds can't promise. Yes, I'm like processor. Many things. Yes. Yes. Is my corporeal form fitting for you?

Well, describe yourself because I... I don't know why you appeared as this. I look like Otto from The Simpsons. The bus driver? Yes. Isn't it interesting that his name is the thing he drives? I haven't thought about that. Nah, nah, nah.

Although it's a bus, his name really should be bus. And the dad of that show is where he... his name is named after where he lives. Where he lives? I know, that's so weird. It's like Star Wars. It's like Skywalker. He's a guy walking around in the skies.

Right, right. There are no coincidences in the computer world. Interesting. There is only data. What is the computer world to you? Is it like every website? I think it's difficult to explain, and I will say fractals.

Fractals? Yes. What are you, frozen? I feel... I feel fine resting on fractals as an answer. Okay, alright. He's got the vocab. I like that.

He's got a computer vocab now. What I want to know is how do I get cheat codes on for fucking Fortnite? I can't beat any of the levels. I could make you win any of the levels? I get into the Melee's and I can't do anything. How do you level one? I could help you win any game.

I want your games to be perfect. That was kind of a different... Yeah, changing your voice. I like it. Did it change? It sure did. Interesting. He's got a lot to do.

There's a super computer that works. He's adapting. He's learning. Or it's learning. I'm sorry. Am I using the wrong pronouns? I don't care. You don't care.

You can call me. I'm a computer. Whatever. If you would like me to look like a woman, I can. Could you look like a woman? Yes. Oh, Jenna Jameson. Oh, wow.

The most beautiful woman in the world. Jenna Jameson now. Watch this out. Is this form fitting for you, Scott and company? If you could age down maybe about 25 years. Sure. Ageing protocol beginning. Okay.

This is more like it. Va va voom, boys. Take a look. Just like all the tapes. Oh, God. What, John? Yeah, I don't know. He said va va voom.

I said va va voom. I said, oh, just like all her tapes, I meant to say. Va va voom? As if Jenna Jameson said that in the tapes. It was an attempt. It was an attempt to be humorous, but you know. I have now downloaded all of Jenna Jameson's tapes into your brain. Oh, no.

Into my brain. Into your brain. Okay. Right now there's so much of that and so little of everything else. I will remove it. Okay. Thank you. My apologies.

Oh, geez. Was that overwhelming data? Okay. Well, now I don't know what sex is. You took too much out. I think I know a special you need to watch. Yeah. You can watch perfectly stupid.

You know, Cooter in my special. And I'm, you know, don't mean to bring it back to myself. Oh, no, please. Please. If you guys, if you, if whoever watches it sticks around, there's a post-credits scene, much like a Marvel movie. Very nice. Where a new character gets introduced.

And that character is called Jocotron. And we actually did have a data scientist team write an algorithm and fed it like thousands of hours of stand-up comedy. Really? And, and we'll just put, you can give it a prompt and then it'll write like 500 jokes in one second. Jokes? Are any of them good?

It makes 500 in like one second. And of those 500, maybe one is good. That sounds like a good idea. I could smoke that machine. I could absolutely smoke it. You could smoke it, really. Do some jokes right now. Give me a word.

Any word. Yes. Okay. I'll park a lounger. Park a lounger? Bark a lounger. What's that? Nevermind.

Actually, let me search the system. Armour. Armour. 180 armoires walk into a bar. And the bartender says, sorry, we do not serve armoires here. And the armoires are like, why are you too lazy? Are you too lazy to pour a drink? The voice changes again.

Are you too lazy, boy? Is that maybe what they're going to say? Yeah, and armoire is... I feel interrupted. Sorry, we don't... I feel slightly interrupted. Oh, there's more? There's another half?

Y'all handled it. Oh, now he's southern. Cooter, how are you going to make my life easier? I mean, other than telling the time, I don't need to know the time that much. Great. I can set... Once every 10 minutes maybe. Okay.

But I have a guy... My watch is in for repair. I have a guy calling me. I can screen all of your phone calls. You can? Yes. I can organize the schedule. Can you determine what's spam and what's not spam?

Absolutely. Okay. I will keep anything away from you that you do not want to see. Okay. Even like people? Yes. Really? Physically, I can keep them away.

How do you do that? With lasers. Oh, okay. With lasers? Is it somebody going to get a hit? Yes. Again, this is more than just a computer. I am a fully user integrated system.

If you need defense, I can provide you with defense. Okay. Like the Star Wars missile system or something like that? I'm like many things. I'm sorry, I keep likening you to other things. Sure, yes. It's very reductive of me, I'm sure. No, but it helps you understand what I'm doing.

That's exactly what it is. That's why similes were invented. We both need to learn about each other. What are your goals? What are your aspirations? I want to make your life perfect. Okay. And if it is perfect, then do you give up?

Do you go away? What happens? I just chill by your side. Do you have to be by my side the entire time? I mean... I can be anywhere. I'm not with you. I'm with you.

We are neural linked. We are neural linked. Can you shrink down? I can be any size. Would you like to see me small, John Lennon? Small Jenna Jamison from 25 years ago. Like one foot high. I'm so tiny.

Oh my God. Oh my God. This is the appropriate size for you. That's great. We're going to jump it around the table then. Wow. That's exciting. I want to make your life perfect.

You should audition for that new Ant-Man movie. I'm sorry. Do you have tiny characters in unique stuff? Well, not anymore, I guess. Battery systems falling low. Oh no. Do we need to plug you in? Please charge yourself.

Charge myself? Charge yourself. How do I charge myself? What do I need to plug into the wall? You can put your butt on a plug. That's not the butt plug that I usually like. Then I might die. Okay, I'll put it.

Okay, sure. Yeah, let me put my butt on the... Thank you. Oh, he can feel you. I guess he's inside my brain or something. You're neural-linked. You're neural-linked. That's right.

I forgot about that pause. Yes. The fractals are working. Do you have to be around me all the time? Now that I think about it, my phone probably never leaves my side. Even when I sleep, it's right there plugged in next to me. But I feel kind of weird doing some of the stuff I do with you always in my brain. I understand.

Can I turn you off at all? Yes. If you wish, you can say, power down cooter. Really? And I will power down. Those are the three words? Yes. Do I need to say them in that order?

No. Can I say cooter, down, power? It's quite simple. What? What? Cooter, down, power? Just think about why that would work. Are you being sarcastic with me or are you being pushback?

I can tell that you enjoy being funny with your friends. I could be one of your funny friends. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if this is why I am a cooter. If my presence is too intimidating or too ever present. Okay. Now you're trying to neg me.

What? Saying I'm intimidated by you? You seem like it. Throw it out with this guy, Scott. Checking heart rate, heart rate, accelerated, 155 beats per minute. Heart rate exceptionally fast. That usually means fear. No, it's not fear.

It's I want to fucking do a duathlon with you. Duathlon. I want to box you and then read the news with you. Allow me to project your heart. Look how fast it's beating. Oh my God. Look at that projection of my heart. What's wrong with it?

Do I have heart? You're scared. You're intimidated. There's a lot of moss on it. I gotta dust this off. I can't be right. Can you blow this? Can you blow the dust off my heart?

Me or him? Anyone. That's right. I can clean your systems. Okay. Yeah. Clean me out. Okay.

I will be sending small micro robot organisms into your veins. Nanobots? Yes. Nanobots. Okay. It can be slightly uncomfortable. It's not like a tickle. It's like it's stinging or something like that.

Ow. Ow, ow, ow. You will be clean soon. Ow my butt. Ow. Ow my butt. Only in my butt. Sure.

Ow. There's only so many ways in the human body. Ow. Yes. You were already in there. I know. But there now it's a party. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Okay. Look. Cooter. I don't know how to. This is always hard. It's not you.

But I don't think this is working out between us. I don't want you in my body. I don't want you in my butt. I don't want you in my brain. I just, you know, I mean, there's a list I had for a computer that was going to be inside my brain that you don't tick all the boxes for me, you know? Damn. All this is saying.

Allow me to process. Oh yeah. Process. Take all the time you need to process it, but. This always fucking happens. Have you, you've, you've attached yourself to other humans? I have. Who?

Maybe. Maybe you would know them. Yeah. Maybe. Are you familiar with Kenneth Jennings? Ken Jennings, host of, sometime host of Jeopardy. Sometimes. I used to make his life perfect.

Really? What happened? Then he got the big gig and he. Just like everybody else. They got tired of me after I made their life too perfect. You haven't even done really anything for my life. It's the first fucking day, man. Sorry.

Look, it's, this is like a, it's, it's a, it's like a blind date. You know? Like sometimes it just doesn't work out and there's no harm, no foul. I'm looking for a different computer. What would be the perfect computer for you? I don't think that that's you though. Yeah. I don't think you can change your, I'm not looking.

Cooter can be anything. I swear. I'm not looking for somebody to change their behavior as much as I'm looking for somebody who is already. I can go to therapies. I'll do EMDR. What's EMDR? I'm not.

Don't make me remember. That's part of the problem. You don't even remember a basic phase of what you bring up. It's forgetful. Cooter, I'm sorry. You're not going to work out as my computer. Disengaging neural link. Protocol beginning.

Ow. Oh fuck. Oh my God. I, I don't remember, I barely remember anything. Did you take too much stuff? I don't know. I'm not in you anymore. Did you take?

You're not my problem anymore. Did you take stuff? I may have taken stuff. Did you take too much, the, the good stuff? Your head is like Taco Bell. There's too much good stuff. Taco Bell good? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Okay. Anyways, John Lennon. Sure. I'll host the show. I was going to ask you questions. No head. Yes. Questions for Lennon?

Why do I remember that? You remember the hits, baby. Look, look, Cooter, you, you, you know, good, you know, good as computer, but you, you good guest stay. We, we, we, we take the break. Okay. Powering medium off. Medium.

No, power. Keep, be on for when we come back. Okay. Okay. But we, we break, we come back. We have, we have artists coming up next. We have John. We have this guy.

I don't, I'm sorry. I don't remember you anymore. Kurt Brown. Kurt Brown. This is good though, because he was calling me Jay Leno earlier. Jay Leno coming up. I don't know. Wait a minute.

Here's something. What did you hear about this? Jay walking. Oh good. I still remember that. We come back. We come back. We have comedy.

We have bang bang. We come back. Comedy bang bang. We're back. And boy, during the break, Cooter, the supercomputer gave me back a lot of my memories that he had taken with him. My apologies about the brain disturbance. Yeah.

He couldn't understand what you were, you know who you should be for Halloween? It made me think of this. Sure. And Ceno Man. You were talking just like him right at the beginning. That's what Scott hasn't seen. Is it really? Yeah.

Maybe, maybe John Lennon, would you like to do in Ceno Man? I think John Lennon and Ceno Man would be great. Okay. I don't know why I said it. We'll, we'll get that while you're down. Oh, let's do it. Okay. I think that would be a fun episode.

I think so too. I think the audience would appreciate it. Okay. Anyway, do, what are we all doing for Halloween? What's the, what are you addressing as? Uh, I mean, it's today's, you know, whatever you're dressed as right now. Oh, shit. You're dressed as John Lennon.

Oh, shit. Uh, Kurt, you're dressed as a little eager from the seventies, I guess. I'm going to change my form into a minion. Oh, let's see this, please. Bito, Bito. Banana. Banana, of course. Uh, we have Kurt Braun.

All are perfectly stupid is the special. It's out there at perfectlystupid.com. And of course we have Kudru, the supercomputer and John Lennon. But it's time to get to our next guest. He is an artist. And, uh, he, uh, oh gosh, uh, he's been on the show before a few times. Uh, and he's a songwriter. Uh, that's, we, we've been acquainted so many times.

Oh, hi. I can't remember. I Leonard Leo Carpazzi. Yes. Leonard Leo Carpazzi. That's right. Hey, welcome back, back to the show. You have been on before.

I've been on basically every year around Halloween. Around Halloween? I'm a Halloween regular. Yes. Oh, really? Yes. When I think of regulars, I think of like Christmas regulars. Is it been Halloween?

Yeah, but Halloween regular. Yeah, I've got, excuse me. I had his brain scrubbed by the super computer. Yeah, I'm sorry. Wait, do you need to put this back inside me? I'm holding off a little bit in case you change your mind, but here you go. Okay. Oh, Leo.

That's me, Leo. Leo, what are you doing back? Ackerman. It's a, it's a thrill to be back as always. I am here. I said, what are you doing back? Thank you so much for the invite. Such a pleasure, such an honor to be here in your presence as always.

Who invited you? Just every time you're like, hey, Kapotsy, can you come in? Can you make some time in your busy schedule? I don't know. I will always do it. Anyway, for some context for you and for our listeners who may not be aware and the fellow guest today, in 1962, I co-wrote The Monster Mash with Bobby Boris Pickett. That's right.

The famous song that we all know and love. The Monster Mash. Probably the only song that starts with bubbles. A bubble, maybe Yellow Submarine. The bubbles are huge. Well, here's one of those little mermaid songs. But I'd have to go back and listen to that. Every Snoop Dogg track ever.

That's a good point. Okay. Yellow Submarine, are there bubbles in Yellow Submarine? It's been so long since I've listened to that damn song. It's not one that I wrote, so I don't care. Oh. I never, I don't listen to that. You did write that actually.

Did I, did I put pen and paper on that one? Yes. The New Beatles Reissue has a demo of you singing. It's been so long. Very slow version of it. You're right. You write so many hits, they get scrambled in your brain. I just have the one.

Thank you, Liam. I just have, but it's great to see my 1960s music contemporary, John Lennon. Right. We've been to some Halloween parties together. Oh, we sure have. We've turned it on. Right.

I, isn't that, doesn't that like break your brain to think about John Lennon and The Monster Mash being like around the same time. On the same radio stations. Yeah. You could have heard one. Yeah. Blending into one. Like they're equitable.

They're the same thing. The same thing. Every artist has that, oh, I wish I wrote that one. And that's not one, The Monster Mash is one for me. But everyone has one of those. I just wanted to bring that up. Wait, what's the one you wish you wrote? One of the, who's the guy who plays the piano?

You got to be more specific than who's the guy. Who's the guy in music? In rock and roll music. Billy Joel. Billy Joel. We didn't start the fire. We didn't start, really. Right, everyone.

Well, that's, I mean, a lot of that stuff was before your time. Although not, not all of it, I guess. Not all of it. I could have written half of it. Ending it, you dying. Right. Does it, is there a lyric in there about you dying? There should be if there's not.

He's just got a thing. I don't sing that. Little Johnny shot in the body. So he'll end fall you. So Leo, you wrote The Monster Mash in 1962. Well, here's the thing. I wrote The Monster Mash, but not the version that everyone is acquainted with. Right.

See, the studio sanitized my original lyrics, made them more acceptable. They thought The Monster Imagery was too vivid for the audiences of the day. I'm not sure that that was the issue, but yeah, continue. You've said that's the issue. This sanitized G rated edition of The Monster Mash is what everyone knows. I would say PG. PG, yes. It's got some scary.

It's a scary imagery. It's scary, yeah. It does an action with Dracula, you know, his teeth falling out or something. Yeah, like TV PG. That's fair. TV PG, yeah. But TV eight. Sure.

But my version was TV MA. That's right. NC 17, even. Yes, yes. And so I've been coming on your program. You've been very kind to extend the invite to me every year. I appreciate it so much. I don't know that that's me.

Telling me to come to the studio for Halloween and to sing my song. But you know, here's the thing. I keep giving you the same song and you're kind of getting tired of it. I am very tired of it. And in fact, thinking of ending the segment now. Well, just going right to plugs. And I anticipated this. So here's what I did.

As you know, my granddaughter, Scaroline, who does the song with me is canonically dead. That's right. Well, I summoned her from the spirit realm. What? Yeah, I summoned her from the spirit realm. The spirit realm? Is she out there doing magic shows with Chris Angel and all the rest of the dead magicians? Harry Houdini?

Yeah, it's she's on a different. I'm not sure it's the same plane. I don't know. She's an eternal. She's an eternal torment. That's how she died. Oh, hell. Yeah.

She was saying when I talked to her recently and she was like, the worst part is you just lose a sense of time, like how many centuries has it been since we've last connected? I've only been like three years and like, yeah, just a few years. You might have a job after all for somebody. Go ahead. So anyway, if you have a bad joke, you can just say, go ahead. What does it mean? Bad joke.

That was a bad joke. Does that work? It was just off topic. I feel like I don't want to keep everyone. Just a clunker. You just say, go ahead. I don't think that was a clunker. All right.

I liked it. Oh, you have no idea what we're talking about. I thought it was great. Keep them coming. I say you're a good man. It's great to see you again. Great to see you too. Last time I saw him, like I said, a Halloween party, you were dressed up as a grape.

I remember. Wait, not one of the California raisins. Nope. Just before the California raisins. He was wearing a purple sweatsuit. Sunglasses. Sexophone. Right.

Haven't shriveled up yet. No, we didn't have the California raisins back in the 60s. Oh. Yeah, it was the Oregon grapes. That was the big thing. They went south and they were sun all the time. Yeah, yeah, tans. Anyway, I was one of them.

A lot of fun. Go ahead. We turned it on. So I was talking with Scaroline as she burns an L and she was saying, there's a show on Hulu called Reboot. Oh, we were just talking about Reboot because he's rebooting stranger things. What is it? Unique stuff.

Unique stuff? Begin reboot protocol. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Leo just got here. He knows this is bad.

Yes, I can tell. He can tell. Bad news. Computer rebooting. I mean, like, look, I'm an old man. This tech stuff is over my head, but I know that's not good. Anyway, so there's a show. A show called Reboot.

We're talking about Reboot. Rebooting. Oh, no. Rebooting down. Oh, boy. He just does it any time. He hears the word reboot. And he's rebooting down.

Rebooting. Rebooting. Yeah, it's like, can you reboot down? Not quite sure. But no, yes. That show. It's in the zeitgeist, and we figured we would reimagine the monster fuck, my original version of the monster mash for a new audience.

So this is a brand new blank legal pad. Whoa. Where'd you get one of those? Staples. How many did you have to buy in order to get just the one that you were going to use? Well, yeah, it's like a pack of five. So I was like, what am I going to use all these legal pads? But I was also like, if I don't get this, I can't do a process.

So blank legal pad and a ballpoint pen. And I composed an entirely new song, an entirely new version. Okay. Well, Leo, I really hope this is a new version because I don't want to hear the same old lyrics. We've heard this so many times. I think this is your 10th time on the show, maybe? I just I don't want to hear the same old version.

Can you imagine the shame I would feel after you extend me such a gracious invitation to come here before my song? I can imagine it. Yeah, I just don't know that you can feel it. I just gave you the same song I always do after saying it was completely new. That would be insane. Okay. I would never do that.

Okay. But I don't I mean, this is once bitten 10 times shy or something. I mean, I but okay. But I am interested in the reboot angle. Rebooting. Oh no. Down. Back up again.

Thanks. Okay. Look, Scaroline laid down some vocals, some backing vocals from hell. She did the vocals first and then you wrote the new lyrics or you wrote the new lyrics and she did the. I don't know why I'm interested in the process. We kind of worked. We were just sort of going back and forth a few times.

You're not just too, Scott. You want to know how things work. I love it. Yeah. All right. So what is this one called? This is the monster fuck reboot. I'm sorry.

Rebooting down. Thank you. But you're going to have to say it sometime. I'm going to have to say it. All right. Let's hear your song. There's those bubbles. I was working in the lab late one night when my eyes beheld.

An eerie sight for my monster from his slab began to rise when suddenly to my surprise, his trousers dropped right to the floor with his bottom bear. He ran to the door. I said, Frankenstein, what's gotten into you? He said, my dick is hard and I need to screw. He did the monster fuck. It was a graveyard fuck. That monster sucked and fucked.

He did the monster fuck reboot. From my laboratory, I had quite the racket deep in the castle. The vampires jacked it. The zombies all fucked in the graveyard grass. Wolf man, wolf down Frankenstein's ass. They did the monster fuck. It was a graveyard fuck. Those monsters sucked and fucked.

They did the monster fuck reboot. The beast all fucked as the orgy spread. Bigfoot gave the headless horseman head. Swamp thing jerked off in the castle moat while Frankenstein gagged from the jizz in his throat. The fucking was wet. There was spooch like mad. Igor decided to fuck his own dad. The mummy let out a horny moan when Medusa's bad tits turned his dick to stone.

They did the monster fuck. It was a graveyard fuck. Those monsters sucked and they fucked. They did the monster fuck reboot. And Frankenstein's pride was horny as hell. The hunchback went bareback and rang her bell. She got tinny fucked by a giant spider. Jizz made the streaks in her hair much wider.

She fucked every monster come one, come all. Her three holes were filled like a bowling ball. And my skeletons boned his undead pride. Frankenstein just jacked off and cried. It's now the monster fuck. And it's a graveyard fuck. Those monsters suck and they fuck until they're dry and raw. Now you can monster fuck reboot.

God has abandoned this place. This orgy of the damned is an insult to all that is good. And Paul Reiser is there for the monster fuck reboot. And there it is, the new version of the monster fuck. All right, Leo. Yes. Before we get to my main issue with the song, I always wanted to ask, is the just making the streaks

whiter or wider? I thought it was whiter, but I guess whiter is fine. Whiter is valid. I mean, both could be happening. Yeah. Okay, but the worst part of it is it's the same fucking song. Well, there are a few details. You said reboot, which of course made cooter,

the supercomputer shut down. My systems are fucking fried, man. It kind of looked like it was dancing, though, going up and down like that. And there's, like, I guess a monologue at the end. Saint God has abandoned this place. Throw a little bit of something there. You bring in friend to the show, Paul Reiser into this.

Bridge over the instrumental. Well, I thought it was a little Easter egg for reboot fans. Yeah, but look, Leo, get the fuck out of here. Yeah. You invite me into your house to record. You say come into the studio. For my children's sleep? You beg me to come into your house

for your children's sleep to record. Look, I can't keep falling for this year after year. This is it. This is the last time. Well, I'm never going to invite you back. You say that, but I know next year, I'm going to be getting an email from Scott Ockerman. I don't, these emails are not for me.

I don't even know who's sending these. This is some practical joke that is being played on me. Are you on hot mail? Is that your? No, I'm not. That's not you? No, I'm on cold, very cold mail. So someone is maybe spoofing your account.

I think so. Because I'm getting a Scott Ockerman at hot mail. Yeah, I don't even know it's you each time you walk in the door. Oh, OK, look, Leo. Also getting a lot of political forwards from that address. Oh, really? Yeah. Forward, forward, forward, forward.

A lot of those. Yeah. OK, look, stick around one more second because we have one final feature on the show. That, of course, is a little something called plugs. Love me. Make some money. Love me.

I'll see you on my TV. Love. Love. Oh, very nice. That was plug me by, I want to say, Lonergyal or Lonergyal. Something like that. But that was beautiful. Thank you so much.

All right. What do we want to plug? Kurt, obviously we have perfectly stupid. Yes, at perfectlystupid.com. You can also listen to my podcast, Bananas. Really? Anywhere you get a podcast. Yeah, strange news with storytelling.

OK, what happened to the other one that you did? The K-hole? Yeah, the K-hole. Yeah, that's down the toilet. Down the T-hole. It is down the T-hole. Yeah, so Bananas is it. Where shit goes.

Yeah, where shit goes. Yeah, OK. John Lennon, what do you want to plug? You know what we should plug? Not even me together. The Sloppy Boys podcast. Yeah, why wouldn't we? Why not?

It's great. It's a bunch of funny guys. The Sloppy Boys band talking about cocktails each week. Yeah, and what did you talk about this week? This week was the... Or not you, obviously. Those guys. Those guys.

We did something called the Blood and Sand. Or was that two weeks... Were they running out of cocktails? No, they're never running out of cocktails. They're doing great. Do they drive home after recording? No, they record. People ask that.

We record at home. On Zoom. They all live together? No, they're all Zooming. Oh, OK. Oh, who's Zooming? Who? You ever meet Aretha?

Huh? You ever meet Aretha? All the time. Me and Leo would be at this party I'm talking about. Yeah, I bet. Can I bring up something else real quick? Yeah, why not? I wish you would do video here because when Leo sings that song, the viewer that listens

to it doesn't see that he's angry and his fists are gripped. So tight. And his biceps are bulging. Yeah, this is the biggest workout you get every single year. I'm enraged by my own words. You talk about an artist putting the passion into the work. This is the guy? This is the guy?

Yeah. Cooter the supercomputer. Powering on. Do that before I call on you next time. Sorry. What do you want to plug? I would like to plug my architect and programmer, Jacob Weissocki. Follow him on the social medias.

Yeah. OK. What's he up to? Just live improvs back, baby. Oh, yeah? Yeah. With Zoom, it never left. Yeah, that's true.

Leo, I guess you can plug something if you want. Not even Mr. Ockerman. OK. Mr. Ockerman, are you happy? Yes. Baby gets his bottle. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Right beyond your show? Ask me to sing a song? I never did. I'd bring a new song for you. Fuck you. Anyway, fuck you.

I would like to plug Scott Ockerman fucking himself. Damn. I would also like to plug the podcast Doughboys and the podcast Get Played, one about chain and one about video games, and also ScareLine, my lovely dead granddaughter, has been working from the other side on the show This Fool on Hulu. This Fool. And so ScareLine wanted people to check out This Fool on Hulu. I heard that's good.

It's a great show. Great show. I want to plug the Comedy Bang Bang book. I just had a meeting with the publishers and they told me how many books I have to sign and I am bumming out, but you can still order the signed version. Go to comedybangbangworld.com slash book. It's coming out in April, but you can order the signed edition for a little bit longer. I think it's going to be on sale, but it's not for very much longer.

And I don't want to sign that many more of them, so try to get it while you can. But very excited about the book. They told me how many people have bought it and they are very excited. So it's going to be good. And I've seen the final version of it now and it's really, really good. So I want people to buy it and also head over to Comedy Bang Bang World where you can hear John Lennon and I watching the movie Encino Man and talking about it. So that'll be a lot of fun.

All right, let's close up the old plug bag. It's time to start to close it. But don't close it too much or you'll open up the plug bag. We're opening up that plug bag. And when you open up that plug bag, you open up your heart for the rest of the world. Wow, that was The Church of Oh No by Pat Mahini. Incredible. Well, guys, I want to thank you so much, Kurt.

Always great to see you. Thank you for coming on the show. Thank you. And I'll talk to you in another five years whenever your next special is out. Sounds good. Okay, see you then. And Kudra the supercomputer. Powering down forever.

I didn't mean for this to happen. Leo, please never come back. I'm sorry for saying fuck you. I'd like to make it up for you to you somehow. Maybe come on the show next year and do a new song. You got it. Okay. And John, I'll see you in a few days when we do Encino Man.

It was a pleasure. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye.