Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Kyle Bornheimer, Dan Lippert, Erin Keif

Episode Date: October 10, 2022

Actor/friend of the show Kyle Bornheimer joins Scott to talk about Westworld, playing a stepdad on the new show High School, and the second season of Avenue 5. Then, professor Lloyd Garterbelt stops by to talk about recently being fired. Plus, author Matilda Gravyman drops by to read excerpts from her unauthorized biography about Scott.

there are two wolves inside you stop eating wolves welcome to comedy bang bang for another week and special second week of October edition it only comes around once a year and we are so glad it's here now and exciting show by the way my name is Scott Ackerman that's not part of the exciting show the exciting part of the show is our guests coming up a little later we have an author we also have a professor so people who are used to words and instructing people with words and using harnessing words much better than I'm doing right now so that'll be coming up a little later on the show but before then guys celebs are back celebs are back on the show we had a rough couple of years we had

some zoom years where celebs were like yeah if I don't have to leave my house yeah sure I'll do your stupid show I won't record myself properly I won't buy a nice mic and you'll be stuck with shitty audio so we had some celebs on the show for a little while but then there was a just a fallow period where no one wanted to come to my backyard and now celebs are back baby and they are here in the studio with us right now one in particular you know him he's our old friend he you know him from such shows as worst week you know him from movies like she's out of my league you know him from probably other stuff but the rest of his resume I won't get into it here but he has two incredible projects of

importance coming out this week season two of avenue five on Sunday and a new show called high school coming out at the tail end of this week we're so excited to talk to him he of course is Pat dantrick I believe in sports circumference from the comedy bang bang television show please welcome back our friend Kyle Bourneimer hello Kyle thanks by the way those two credits are the only ones I remember too that that is I was really struggling no and I do and you're in everything but I cannot remember no those are the only ones I remember filming shooting seeing or that anyone liked Westworld Westworld I just saw you in Westworld pop up in Westworld huh you're are you brutally murdered or I can't say but I'm a douche bag if I'm when you can't

say this is season one by the way it's not like there are spoilers season one I really you know there's someone out there that I don't want to can't I don't want to ruin it for them no I don't think I get oh wait you know what I do I think I do gets no I slaughter someone in it you kill robot I call I kill little little Jimmy Marsden when you leave a set is it just pretty much like washing your hands of it going like I'm never gonna remember any of this anymore I just have a horrible memory in general and I feel sad about it like there's members like people that I go to someone's house and they have photos from like their adventures on set and like selfies tax set life yeah half tax set life I just don't I gotta honor that more I'm good as I get older I'm worried

that I I don't have I haven't like I don't have any memories well you know when you're an actual like yourself who does like you know pops up on one episode of something instead of doing a lot of episodes of one thing yeah it would be weird yes I as I think it was you know a day player under five guy you came in and we don't even remember why do you know but of course we love you on so many of our shows and I've talked about this on previous episodes about how I always had a fondness for you especially on worst week and I was like I like that guy I like that guy and then I forgot how you got on this show but I remember I was like I like that guy I want him on the show and here you are it's my fourth time 34 times I know you're a regular at this point yeah very funny

guy and let's talk about some of these progies you know what I mean because this is like your week it yes I just got back from the Toronto Film Fest with one of them which is a TV show at a film festival 2022 it doesn't make any sense wow so that has to be Avenue 5 right no that one was high school Avenue 5 they're really pushing that out the film festival too no high school obviously in this and I am excited about this show I want to talk to you but I want to drill down on yeah because it's first of all it's on something called freebie yeah so for Kyle you gotta help me out that should be the ad that should be what the fuck is freebie yeah freebie is Amazon's new ads whenever I say this I feel like I am like saying the exact thing I was told this Amazon is freebie is

Amazon's new ad supportive also like you're doing a commercial for them and you should be getting paid for that yeah like you should you should this shouldn't be your job you know what I mean you get paid to do the show and you should be like oh yeah it's on you know something we've heard any of this on Netflix I got paid to do the show to be honest but instead they're they're giving their advertising budget they're keeping it and then making you explain freebie to everyone yes and you're participating in this sham by having me on this podcast and I refuse to go to your backyard for so let's not even talk about no no because that should be that's that's Amazon until I'm sure of my deal and if it includes free advertisement I'm not going to mention just

blank blank mention freebie that's that's that's you can mention it yeah okay that's the most we'll do pause whenever I'm about to say it and you please just say it if you don't know what freebie is that's Amazon's fault yeah not ours right but I think this or mine um yeah so that is their new like free service and actually there's a great show on it right now just launched um that sprung show is on there which is Greg Garcia's new show about uh with about uh based on the sir mix a lot song it is yeah the movie based on the song it's a it's a tv version of the famous movie um and um no it's based on Tegan and Sarah's uh your show it's not high school yeah sprung high school is based upon my beloved Tegan and Sarah guests on the comedy bang bang television show they did the

Alfred Hitchcock episode their delights they also uh guested on take my wife which I produced great people great musicians uh they wrote a book together yes is that possible they write every other word well they kind of well every other chapter and they did it from each they didn't check in with each other so Tegan didn't know what Sarah was writing and Sarah didn't know what Tegan was writing chapter to chapter it was until when at what point did they still have it then they will really and they will not yeah um they're trying to mind mail that they're really like well I should just know it shouldn't I am your twin um no they so yeah it's about their high school experience which was a combination of them uh discovering music uh finding their sexuality

getting heavily into um substances and and like what are we talking crack cocaine yeah it's all about the crack cocaine epidemic of Calgary in 1998 um yeah they and so and really kind of finding themselves and it's a neat neat very sweet tender story and set in the 90s so the music is I mean if you're a nerd like us that loves yes there's just a lot of they blew the budget on that so it plays over and over weirdly a lot of 90s grunge fans but they they weren't real deep divers they didn't know anyone was like the most popular song so uh you play if my information is correct you play the father of twins yeah I'm the father of twins technically they're step dad I guess not technically but oh okay so you're actually they're

step dad your sperm was not involved in the first episode is all about explains that how how babies are made well let me show you how sperm is made first it's a really neat opening sort of like the beginning of a tree of life that just shows right all that and then it just hard cut to uh two teenagers in the 90s um but it was yeah so are you a good step down to them or are you okay people oh it's so funny that the assumption with the step parent is that they're an evil well you didn't step I mean you you you you've played a murderer a robot murderer on westworld so you can play either side yeah I can play robot murders or good step but a guy like me I don't want to see you being a bad step dad to Tegan and Sarah I don't want that I didn't want it either and

much and then the the the two girls that play them that they found on tiktok who had never acted before or played instruments who not only had this sounds like a bad plan well they're horrible okay well and we were like next time let's get people who can act and who can play music it was a it was a real leap they took and did not work out you know that's what a gamble is for um yeah Rayleigh and season Aguila land who play Tegan and Sarah um are I mean and if I don't know if you have ever seen pictures of Tegan and Sarah in high school it like I would have been so intimidated we grew up around the same time and in similar like they grew up in small they Calgary's not that not small I grew up in like a small town in Indiana but discovering all that

90s indie rock and and and trying to deep dive after I really got into it and and you were cooler if you liked the bands that nobody else knew about and it was that era of that bands like pearl jam yeah yeah and sound garden and stone temple pilots I don't know why saying it like that makes it sound more exotic um yeah so I was in love with that era I couldn't have asked for like a better world to jump into and um earth earth yeah better earth because it's better when you do stuff like the Martian you got to wear that space suit the whole time you got to work in a different world 13 it's like come on I wanted to stay I said I if it's on earth and it's set in the 90s um I'll do it and so those are your those are my things and but I will not do free advertising for you no

blank blank and by the way Westworld does fall under that because it's set on earth but set in the 1890s yes yes so they got you on a technicality there by the way I love the music of 1890s too yeah those are your two errors my darlin clementine is is uh one of the real staples of player pianos but yeah so I don't know what the question was but I don't know so uh how many apps are we talking we're talking about an eight up situation about eight I think they're dumping is that the word dumping they're dropping two or three to I don't think dumping is bad no yeah dump would be bad they're exalting they're launching I think three episodes on October 14th I believe sounds like three episodes on October 14th yeah yeah there you go that's how you say it listen I told you

they don't pay me for the advertisement um so three episodes and then uh weekly and then weekly I think after that yeah and when you like when you finish an eighth episode or you ever like you turn everyone on set and you go like let's just go to nine yeah I didn't have the power to do that they apparently they would have needed a script and a bunch of other stuff but I didn't know how it worked I was like guys let's just keep going like do not get some ideas we've got a good thing going on here let's just happen in the 90s let's uh you know let's uh do something with the real world mr. Gorbachev tear down that well oh no that was the 80s shit they'll fix it they'll fix it in post yeah Gorbachev tore down something else in the 90s we did we did we lost Gorbachev uh

we did terrible terrible day terrible day yeah although I hear he's uh with uh the queen's double on nudist beaches this is a reference to an earlier episode um but can we cut to that clip yeah here we go so uh high school is the title of it and do they do they use their music uh to score scenes or are they playing songs well the really neat thing is there's a combination of uh again a very good combination of known 90 songs some real deep dive deep cut 90 songs I actually teared up just at the music because it was it's a very um it was very nostalgic for me what I understand music soothes the savage press it's the um it is the the it's the food of life what's the thing it's the it's the food to the soul food to the soul yeah it's um the elixir of

of love I don't know how that works I don't um but it worked for this show they were smart to add music in this show about musicians usually when I when I watch a show it's just dead silence and you hear every footstep yeah and that's how they started they did a cut like that and it didn't work and Tegan and Sarah were like you might I mean maybe I mean we're musicians but it's a slow burn to their uh discovery of of that in themselves they didn't just they didn't figure it out about themselves so it's a neat little thing the girls actually actresses learn kind of as Tegan and Sarah did as as they sort of pick up guitars and learn so Tegan and Sarah's music is sort of slowly integrated integrated into it then you get this great mix of the more

popular you know Smashing Pumpkins song there's actually there's a really great Tegan and Sarah did a great version of today oh plays in the trailer that's really sweet um and then my favorite version of that is the Smashing Pumpkins version yes yeah they did a good job with that yeah I hope they gave credit to the original um but uh yeah no it's it's a really wonderful it's half hour looks beautiful it looks um it kind of reminds me 90s independent films wow it sort of draws on it how did you uh are are you off her only or did you audition I met because I know someone who auditioned let's talk about but it sounds like a waste of his time if they just offer it to you I went through a rigorous and it was a very competitive audition process I was very okay

honored uh with all the people that I got to audition along with um no I think they gave it to me very early then they had a lot of people audition for months and months after that yeah this is this is this happened to my other friend he auditions for Gepetto in that that Pinocchio movie that just came out about a month ago on Disney plus and then he he like goes oh I wonder who got this part Tom Hanks you must have been talking with a pretty high level friend of yours I don't think they went wide with the Gepetto role so it just doesn't make any sense but uh this this is incredible high school is out this week uh now let's pivot and talk about avenue five there's a name I haven't heard in nye upon well years we're COVID uh COVID shutdown we were COVID

delayed yeah this is an HBO comedy uh created by Armando Ianucci is that how you say his name the guy behind Veep and in the loop and yeah and so and it's all about uh I mean in my opinion it should be called wacky spaceship wacky that yeah that's a better name for it because avenue five it's like what even is that but wacky spaceship adventure spacetime yeah um but uh tell us about that because you got incredible people in the cast I mean that's Hugh Laurie and Zach Woods and Jessica St. Clair and you do a lot of your scenes with this person named Jessica so you know Jessica Jessica I do but uh fans of the show have have never heard her yeah we have this person named Marissa Wampler yo that's right Marissa Wampler has never been on the show right and um but Marissa

and Jessica would really love each other yeah they're very similar yeah almost to where they're exactly the same person just never seen them in the same one percent louder and that would be Jessica yes exactly yeah and Jessica and I are very loud in this show we are the assholes on the imagine being stuck on a spaceship that gets lost in space for nine or ten months and there's a couple that's always bickering and at each other's throats because you guys were getting divorced wasn't it yeah in the first episode in the first season we were about to get we were like planning our divorce because we were about to land the next day and we were so sick of each other and then we discovered we're going to be stuck in space together for six months

and um but in season two there's a little twist on that which is oh I bet you guys fall back and love sex scenes there is a sex scene of sorts but it's not just a full on euphoria type drugs and sex scene with Jessica Sinclair I'm looking forward to this yes that's so yeah this would be the centerpiece of their ad campaign yes so uh avenue five uh I mean you got to catch up on it if you didn't watch the first season yeah you can get it on HBO there I guess it's just HBO max now they haven't taken down all the other ones are HBO max oh you know what actually who knows by the time this posts you know HBO might not even be a thing so you might just have to go to to I'll send you you know some of the dailies that I got thanks oh that would be great that might be the only option at some

point appreciate that um avenue five and it comes out this sunday another 10 apps you ever be on set in like the last you do episode 10 you're like let's just do you know that's a great question I just suggested that I'm trying to remember my previous bit well Kyle this is your week buddy this is I am so excited for you this week I am thrilled for you to see to see the work that you put into your craft and to watch it pay dividends this week this is exciting for me as a fan well thank you and if it doesn't pay dividends it's back to India yeah both of these shows are cancelled within the next month yeah back to my track record you know yeah very well be the case actually just shooting robots for one episode and dipping out well this is great Kyle Borneimer is here and

we need to take a break if that excites you even if it doesn't we're still gonna do it but when we come back we have a professor is going to be here are you did you ever go to school I'm a dropout yeah yeah mean professors have a strained relationship yeah did you say mean professors or just me and me me and professors yeah it's it's tough professors would be interesting to me like mean professors this is your next show mean professors you've heard of bad moms yeah mean professors and it's just them being kind of cranky and like you know yeah listening to you after class and then apologize yeah I'm sorry it's like it's a network show that needs a happy end yeah this guy we're gonna come right back we have a professor and a little later an author

we'll have more from Kyle Borneimer more comedy bang bang we'll be right back after this comedy bang bang we're back Kyle Borneimer our old friend with his fourth appearance here you're a member of the the four timers club who else is in that yeah a lot of people yeah it's not that big of a Andrew Lloyd Weber certainly Werner Herzog Castro Castro yeah Fidel Castro certainly I was trying to think of like people that would be on what was uh what's his name put that mic right at your mouth what do you say I know you're drinking something but but you haven't pointed to your chest people like a lot of noises a lot of mouth noises and plastic hitting plastic and then hearing people talk like this above the mic I don't know how anything you know you don't have to bend down

to it one of my least uh now I'm so self-conscious I don't know it's like my first day in Hollywood which is how every voiceover audition is for me I might my um I forget how to act every time a microphone is in front of me yeah it's daunting though you know anytime you get to a new set if you've never done the show before it's like oh am I gonna get fired do you still feel that way are you like I'm gonna slip them the old Borneimer yeah I I think each one's different but for the most part I'm pretty sure it's usually after that I'm convinced I won't get work again right when I when I've gotten in I know that they're too busy to fire me at least the first day and they you know um yeah I'm usually like uh after I leave I'm like well they're cutting that out yeah yeah

yeah there's I get a lot of well that'll do after a take like yeah we gotta we have to move on I did a recent project uh which is coming out around uh the end of the month I believe uh the Weird Al Movie and uh I'm very excited about that and I got two takes and I was like is that because I was bad or because I was good yeah yeah I'm convinced because it was bad and they gave up yeah I think that's how we that's where our minds always go I think there's about three actors that are like got it on the second one should we move on and it's like like Seagal like Steven Seagal is that way but that's out of pure laziness yeah um well this is incredible uh two shows out this week uh four times on this show two shows in a week a lot of math but I'm wrapping my head around it uh Avenue

five as well so many numbers yeah so many numbers high school has four years in it yeah you're a math guy aren't you you you like numbers and puzzles or you like I notice a thread on this show whenever numbers are involved you sort of perk up and you get excited oh that's the only only time I ever get excited everybody else is like a real drag for you you're really you know although I will say we're in our 14th year so every episode I'm like oh 14th year so I do get excited every episode it's an even number I'm sure this is like a great year this is such a good year um we have to get to our next guest uh I hope they are having a great year themselves uh they are a professor of what I do not know I do not have this information in front of me but uh it um all I have to do is ask

once I introduce them uh please welcome to the show Lloyd Garderbelt greetings kind sir greetings kind sir shake my hand like a gentleman oh okay ah yes a firm grip I see you know your judo well I am firm you have the limpest handshake that I've ever I am giving full muscle from forearm on this grip my good man let me check though this is limp to you this is limp to me this is as strong as one can go this is as limp as the very biscuit upon friend durst I don't even know how to finish this oh you said which friend durst sang a pod I don't know like a trumpet how are you Lloyd very well and shake my hand my good man get ready yes very good that is a little off-putting no and a very strong handshake from Kyle very good where are you from what audience or uh what

audience are you oh it depends I uh you ever say a word and it just is like it doesn't have any relationship for the word you meant for you I want a crossing of nine wires in no brain certainly what what do you think I meant what personality how do I consider other countries to be just audiences ah because I've done so many tours which audience uh are you is which tool would I have seen you are where are you from I'd have traveled from this great world to and fro near and far that I I don't call nowhere home no more Scott ockerman it's interesting because you have sort of like an English accent but then you're doing things like doing double negatives like a common person but you have more of a lofty accent it's interesting

it's and it's a breadth of all my experiences at one for I have had to move from place to place due to academia sound like Sean Connery right interesting well if consistency is what you're looking for with me good man consistency you will not get I see but this is my voice and it's will well that's a thing I mean people just have the voices they have sometimes they sound you know it's like something and then sound sometimes they sound like nothing does that make sense today you and I are vibing I understand everything you're saying even if you're not understanding it as a student of humanity we also have been micro dosing this entire time yes that's not been helping to the extent that we are definitely macro dosing we're just dosing at this point but

any more micro doses we may be macro dosing we'll be getting a cease and desist on that one I'm sorry I haven't offered you any do you want any of our our lsd I did some before we came but it was so micro that I'm not even sure I don't know how micro to go when I when I micro I know that's the problem yeah you can always go bigger but you can never go back my good man so you you select that based on smallness and if you're not feeling too high or too energetic please take some more of my lsd this is a good lesson for life you can always have more of something but you can never have less so it's like when you're eating for instance it's like order the small portions I tell you I went to a restaurant the other night and they came up to

the table and they said have you ever been here before which you know that they're about to describe small plates to you right so so so that that happened they did and they go like we encourage sharing at our restaurant which is like oh you encourage us and they go about four plates for two people is about right and it's like oh okay so you want us to spend more money than than normal okay got it so they like we encouraged a bunch of stuff we ordered four things and on the fourth thing the person said that's a very small portion and my point is like well then make it a regular size portion don't offer it if it's if it's a small you know what I mean you're the one he told me to order four things 100% I encourage the chef to make a goddamn bigger plate because I've come here

just to eat a meal a succulent Chinese meal and by the way it was a perfect size of a portion so that so that was alive if you were going to order three other things four three I see well that's I'll say it right now that restaurant is it is democracy manifest it is our country is going down the toilet and this is yet another example wouldn't you agree yeah I guess so I mean I wasn't going to go there I was just thinking that their particular restaurant model was you know yeah I was one that I wasn't my favorite yeah I was just talking about a restaurant I didn't know it's a democracy and this and this is the issue this podcast in itself is comedy manifest and this is why I'm here Scott Ackerman why are you are poised who are you I am Lloyd Garibelt

oh I know but that doesn't explain who you are I have arrived here because our culture is in the proverbial toilet Scott Ackerman and everything from media to restaurantiers are responsible and it's making teachers and professors like me have trouble doing their jobs and I've frequently been fired because children no longer understand the world in which we live I see where do you where do you profess where do you teach I am currently between professions but I was recently fired from Washington University in st. Louis for Washington University in st. Louis are you not familiar why don't they call it st. Louis University because that would that's in Washington they did a swap they did a swap they did a holiday oh I do universities

needed to find themselves and fell in love with the new world in which they found themselves and a world where much like how we fell in love with Cameron Diaz as an editor uh yes I've never seen this oh she plays an editor an editor of film trailers a film trailer one of the more relatable jobs do you think she was ever editing the film trailers and like the director walks in and goes oh you should just be in these movies because you are beautiful and you're like an actress that is what we all imagined the deleted scenes of that film were and perhaps why she had to leave Los Angeles oh is that so I don't know about this film she leaves she goes to England to find herself after a breakup and some British wait someone breaks up with her you would think

that guy would like wander into the room about to break up and then look at her and go oh no you look like Cameron Diaz like we should still stay together again a deleted scene I imagined was her somebody saying this is why movies don't make any sense right because they always cast these beautiful people in them and then they give them problems this is Hollywood manifest Scott and I hate to say it in front of a season actor who's benefited so well from the Hollywood system looking wonderful sounding wonderful but uggos like myself no longer have a place in the American states of united America you are very ugly I meant to mention that when you you meant to mention that when I introduced you it wasn't on your bio but I was just like I was struck by it of course it's

not on my bio that I am ugly I you do not describe your looks upon your bio because you should know you should be judged for your heart and your thought what would they have done what what what other reason are there authors pictures on the back of book jackets for then to see if they're ugly or not that's so you look at the author's picture on the jacket and then you're then I decide whether to buy the book do you ever buy an ugly author's book to see if they're writing is a never that's the only books I buy are you think they'd be really good at it because every other book it's like you know what they're too busy I've been so yeah I look for bad fashion or ugly yeah and then I know that's probably been probably in for a good read yeah

Lloyd why are you here because Scott Ackerman I am here to stop you in your tracks with what you're doing here don't all right but this podcast is done no no no no no I'm not stopping doing the podcast is that what you mean you must you must because men like me the uh little arty the educated the professors of this world are being pushed out by the generations listening to tiktok and listening to podcasts I don't know how why were you fired well plenty of reasons intellectual I don't like to hear that usually it's just one so when a guy says plenty of reasons it's like you have a problem discrimination is one I've been discriminated against for my wit for wanting to teach things that the young woke literati are not willing to read for describing

female students outfits to the whole class millions of things that you used to be able to do but young 18 year olds won't allow it anymore because they need their bubble of safety Scott Ackerman well that's the thing we always want our teachers to be older than the students right it would be weird if it was the other way around right so just using like okay that's true if that is true then these older teachers are going to be of a different mindset and have different sort of values and we should be uh accepting of that right otherwise every single teacher is going to be younger than the people that they're teaching and now you're speaking my language Scott Ackerman if you want your teacher to be so in touch with the current society and aware of media they must be younger

but would you although in a society where you go to school okay kids you're a kid you go to school half of your day is spent teaching kids who are older than you uh-huh and the other half is kids that are younger than you teaching you this is not I mean this kind of makes sense as a society it's almost like a kibbutz school of some sort I don't know what that word is a kibbutz a co-op of sorts a commune in Israel started with the idea of an idenic society as an escape from the horrors of Adolf Hitler I see I see I don't know that we had to bring him into this necessarily well it's a direct line from Hitler to Israel any thoughts on Hitler where this is going I mean professor orally you seem to be wise about some things you just described the origins of the

very well thank you yeah thank you very much I'm incredibly wise and yet my wiseness is not respected because we're limited to one two or three things we've said that have made students uncomfortable what are not acceptable oh uh let's see let's see for example I've painted myself into a situation here now seems to me like you're when it was right up I was fired for a multitude of reasons number one professors should be allowed to insult anybody who based on their hair color for example we know blondes are dumb so if you're describing something and a student says something not so wise and they're blonde you should be able to say no surprise there but in this woke world democracy manifest we are forced we started this connery thing again it's just my voice it's like

right yeah as if I heard your voice thought you were doing an impression of um somebody who sounds like you again something that I would have thought of before the show who do you get voice a like about by uh yeah yeah yeah who do people say you sound like I don't know that's a good question I get I get a lot of people on Twitter and this is my favorite thing about Twitter uh who send you a picture of the ugliest person alive and then say is this you really love that what about when they draw you and say hey I did art of you what are they accentuate oh did you forget my chin oh you really noticed my beard we're both of the things that you have by the way yes I have a

no chin in a bigger beard and I've been described by you as ugly but by many as fascinating as yourself as well you said that you were ugly that's all right which is what makes me a good author is because I'm never having sex I'm thinking right because nobody will make love to me and if you say that in a college campus you will be fired in 2022 Scott Huckerman I mean this isn't uh look Kyle you have children right yes you don't want your children's teachers to be talking about hooking up with people or or the absence of depending on the their age I mean you mentioned earlier that the children these days is it just college that you've taught I mean when you're between jobs have you have you had to go to the to high schools or any anywhere else all age

is wonderful question I've taught preschoolers American history and I've taught high schoolers blocks and shapes I bet your children your Hollywood children go to some sort of Montessori school yes no they're in a pod uh with just three other like-minded families we really like to try to keep it but although we we might be losing our our teachers soon so you know I'm kind of let's negotiate right now money wise I'd like to be tenured immediately tenured oh well transfer right to yeah I don't know how that stuff works but sure wonderful and let's say 35k a year and um not a lot 35k a year I bet between the five of us we might be able to to scrape that together yeah I mean if that's seven thousand that's like you know if you just

consult on a sitcom that's like one week salary well sitcoms are paying you seven day to consult on I'll do that as well is there any sitcoms of professor oh yeah you should just do that I think we have a sitcom here brewing up this this thing exactly you teaching a pod of kids in Hollywood might be a sitcom on its own a misunderstood racist oh is that how you're describing yourself are we in the pitch meeting that's how I've been described yes you have to break it down in the pitch meeting yeah teachers a group of young children are any other and I hate Hollywood and I hate you know the celebrity culture but are there any other big name parents yeah uh Sean Connery's grandkids are actually in the pod yeah speaking of Sean Connery and um and Dick Cavitt's grand it's

all great it's my kids and then a bunch of old Hollywood grandkids I don't know how that ended up that way well I would be happy to teach the royal grandchildren and you know sir Sean Connery has been mided correct yes does that transfer down to his grandkids I think so I think they're right you just pass yeah once he dies right it just passes right down wow and are they bonds as well yeah yeah that never goes away as well I would be happy to join your pod but you have to agree with me no rules just right we could start it off that way and I'll see where you go I mean I you know maybe there'll be some lively debate they can you know that might be what's going on here if the kids are you're going back to college if they are offering you alternative points of view to yours

why are you worried about engaging with those either I am happy to engage with alternative points of view but I should be allowed to speak my mind freely in a debate with a child an adult or anybody at all even if it's getting drinks with them after class or whatever what kind of debates are we talking like should we role play one of these debates and see exactly like what the types of things you say I would love to play I have I have dipped my toes into the art of you taught improv what level well you know basic level improv stuff mostly short form oh yeah you know and games within that world yeah so basically like anytime anyone you do freeze tag anytime anyone's near someone's butt freeze I see you know you're improv I know improv

yeah very good Scott okay so so okay so say Kyle is one of your students what age do you want to be go let's go back to college I'll be interested yeah that's where this whole college student of mine one of my four schools your name or I'm Leon Leon yeah all right and are you are you um Leon are you Leon Phelps the Tim Meadows character are you the professional I'm Leon I'm a French I'm a French American named Leon all right okay you're a student of mine and you are the son of an assassin son of an oh he's a legacy yeah more milk Leon more milk what situation are you offering well thank you very much my dad loved milk before any of his kills so I really appreciate that professor garter belt and wonderful thank you for getting a

drink with me at the 2 9 cafe down the street from the university yeah this is great a lot of my buddies and I come here and post our tiktok videos and do Molly oh horseshit I don't believe in that quick fire media I watch the films of Goddard and I read the novels of Shakespeare oh you know Goddard just died not too long ago yeah we we we took a class with him he's be I know I don't he was before my time but like yeah he's not bad oh yes all you kids these days everything in black and white I cannot watch blah blah blah we're pretty okay with it and you're not educated and you need to learn now that woman sitting next to you in class what was her name oh yeah it's Stephanie what's her story well I mean I don't know her too well I mean we've talked a little bit I try to

you know respect her space she's really serious about studies so I don't really figure that's the time to talk her up too much oh you got a flirt I don't know if that's the flirt in class that's the point of college so I don't think she's there to learn and afterwards I mean she's very funny afterwards we've exchanged some some thoughts maybe at some point when the time is right am I yes we love a woman with a sense of humorous men well I don't know if I have all men do I certainly do let's close this tab out we're about two blocks away from a strip club you and me poke our heads in and let's chat history well I mean I think you know sex workers are is a positive thing and if it's the type of club where they're you know you know they're

unionized and and the women are kind of calling the shots there I'd be open to that maybe we could bring a couple my friends that are fluid and are interested in that then we could maybe do that oh and a huge eye roll to that whole sentence I'll go alone and I'm going to a different club called star gardens in north Hollywood and they will not allow the strippers to unionize there and that is where I support that's your thing man you enjoy yourself okay so this you turn to me like the scene was over no no I'm still going no but I do want to interject here because first of all you're right by my ass okay look first of all Kyle what an incredible scathing portrait of a woke didn't I really went after those yeah yeah yeah great job uh ask for you Professor Garderbel

yes she didn't really do that much that was bad or fireable you kind of you called him an idiot which you I mean I think you probably still could do it as a professor you ask you ask him to go to a strip club which is probably still fine I mean people you know I don't know like no you got fired for that well yeah you know I was and you encouraged him to flirt almost like you were a sereno de bergera yeah it was kind of guys yeah there's another romantic comedy we just came up with another show yeah and I have been vindicated on the air of comedy bang bang and I feel that perhaps wait a minute no I just agreed with you can I get cancelled for this absolutely you can it is so easy to cancel a man like you or I Scott Huckerman a man of the past who is just trying

to find our way through the modern ages the present maybe but you were not a man of the present I gave you when I arrived what I gave me a present I gave you a lovely present when I walked oh I'm sorry I did right in the trash well I mean it was it was like an envelope from your car that he wanted me to throw in the trash you said a gift and it was a test you were supposed to look upon the envelope and see if it was something you want to throw away or to receive what Gardebel can I tell you something I would love to hear it I am not quite getting your whole thing all right now let's let's take a moment it's not it's it's not strong I have to say let's take a moment let's let's break it down okay you're a professor okay that's good yes all right but

you come in here and you say you've been fired recently and then you can't remember why you were fired and it takes you a minute to come up with stuff and then we role play like what would be you know and I'm expecting some really harsh things for you to do right and it's kind of weak and tepid it's tepid well uh I suppose I have done some things that I didn't I as I that I painted myself into a corner uh then I was like oh you know what the type of person I am it is hard to parody this day and age without saying bad things almost as if like to parody him you came up with a voice and that was it well well not quite not quite uh you know the the idea I had here with any of the ideas who I am sure yeah but the idea of what you were going to talk about on the show

uh yes the idea what we're talking about was yeah well you know the the idea that a man like me a man this is a good idea yes but then no specifics yes the specific yes that's what's missing Scott I will have to agree with you on that one okay usually I don't critique the guests in the middle of the segment but I take it as a compliment that you feel comfortable enough I do feel very comfortable about this and I feel like it's warranted and I I feel and here's how I feel I'll come right back on perhaps even the next episode hey Snoop Dogg and Dr. Draywood yes well let's just chill to the next episode yes of course well look uh Lloyd Garter Belt we're gonna take a break if you can use any of that time while we do to come up with anything

that would be great if not no harm no foul I'll talk more but have less to say okay I think we have a deal when we come back we have an author this is very exciting uh we're gonna uh we're gonna come back we have more Lloyd Garter Belt more Kyle Bornheimer we have and both of those things are very hard to say if you're me we'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this comedy bang bang we're back Kyle Bornheimer avenue five take that over to the high school this is the way you advertise two shows right tying together like this you know that way you get the fans of both they're watching both shows suddenly double ratings comedy bang bang yeah huh um anyway but uh avenue five this sunday high school this friday or thursday one of those two

one four fourteen once you figure out what free is the rest yeah it'll be all over everywhere the world opens up we'll be able to miss it we also have Lloyd Garter Belt uh Lloyd you do any thinking over the break shoot or did you just sit there staring into space well it's a beautiful space you have here Scott Huckerman all right well let's get to our next guest um they're an author so this is exciting because i love the written word um and uh you know even words said aloud i like those two but it's a words words in general i like them and uh they use the written word to their advantage i'll tell you that much uh obviously because they're an author please welcome to the show for the first time Matilda Graveman hello Scott it's so nice to finally

meet you oh when would we have met before oh i've never met you formally but i wrote your unauthorized biography and i was wondering if you could sign it wait you wrote in my unauthorized biography well you didn't respond to my emails but also i didn't know your email yeah where are you emailing scott at ockerman dot pretty close actually unfortunately for me rats so close yeah too close um wait so you wrote a biography of me why slams it down on desk look at it you're providing your own sound effects yeah it's a very light book so i wanted to make sure yeah you make an impact with it yeah well why so light by the way i mean i mean i've had an interesting enough light i know a lot but i don't know much okay what

is what's the book called i can't see it from um uh i did it my way the life and times of skip anchorman there's a bit of a typo in the front cover bit of a typo yeah plus i did it my way that's like a frank sanatra of i knew it sounded familiar uh rats dang it yeah i mean usually like the title of a book has something to do with the career of the person like billy joel for instance like he would be vacillating between my life and piano man he'd be like i don't know what the the right title is i wrote his unauthorized biography as well what'd you call that i did it my way the lifetime of so you're the idea of my way personally so this is like that mystery author who does a is for whatever exactly i've been writing biographies for about 60 years i'm not slowing down anytime

soon hold of a woman are if you don't mind me how dare you i'll say i'm i'm in my early to late 80s so anywhere from 80 to 89 okay great yeah okay well welcome to the show i mean you may be the oldest guest we've ever had oh and santa claus oh my god they're a mythical uh creature i wrote his unauthorized biography as well that whole bit about seeing you when you're sleeping yeah you wrote that i wrote that uh but the full title is seeing you when you're sleeping i did it my way right right right so what's in what's in the book about me well it opens obviously at the beginning of your life a full moon in arkansas a farm in 1943 scott ockerman was born okay none of these things are correct oh i mean maybe the full moon i wasn't clocking that at at the time but yeah well i i mean

to be honest most of my research comes from reading over your shoulder at coffee shops when you open a computer um and it's hard to see at my age but i did the best i could you've been reading over my shoulder at coffee shops yes oh it's sort of when you're like on your phone or you're typing away at a manuscript i just sort of i'm composing my tweets i know and i just keep some of those in your drafts and that's just me so you're not just a biographer you're a critic of my yeah well of course okay we all are what so who gave you the the contract to sign to do this contract sign who signed who where sign you sign i'm sorry what now i i'm here don't ask for forgiveness not permission okay i've written probably around 6000 biographies at this point i have not asked for

anyone's permission not once okay so and uh who who else have you written uh mike dukakis diane keaton john adams uh the list goes on and on i'm sure it does with those three at the top it's all downhill from there really i have to unpack why i panicked said those three names that's uh that's for another day out of the 6000 yeah i know but um all right well let's read some of this book what's in this okay let's i'm just gonna flip around and then talk about some of my favorite bits oh i love this chapter this is when you're chapter is this uh chapter eight eight okay and this is what uh when you move to new york city and you are pounding the pavement with resume in hand tap shoes in the other hand and you were in the original cast of damn yankees

i can see it all in front of me oh it's uh how do you do wow strong handshake yeah why were you sitting in the shadows not talking oh i'm batman that's my thing now i am darkness i am the night he's been on the show already all right i'll and i'll be back so i'm kind of like a vampire oh that's my thing i can't go out i guess yes that's my second week of october oh yes my favorite of the months okay you can't just pivot into vampire to save a failing talk show appearance all right i'll be back all right all right so uh so what happens in this chapter none of this is ringing a bell by the way really you don't remember trying to make it as a big star in new york city just read it though okay a full moon in new york city in the 1960s scott ockerman in a

rat infested it was not alive at this point oh also your pro style he's a little bit to be desired but go ahead does it sort of sound like narration at the beginning of a bad play i guess it's not even full sentences i'm sorry my eyesight's also not great so i can't really read it um luckily there's an optometrist in the room a vampire optometrist i love it don't get too close when you're reading so is he working on people's eyes in order to bite their necks yes yes i don't know uh oh scott i don't know i don't know this has legs all right all right and then you met uh uh jean martin uh paddy lapone huge by the way you're reading right now and you said and you met this is book directed at me am i the reader well i was hoping you would i mean it would hurt my

feeling something awful if you didn't at least crack it open skip anchorman i'm sorry my name i'm sorry but none of this happened to me what do you mean i i never moved to new york yes i own tap shoes but uh i kept them here in uh the sweet california the golden state you weren't pounding the pavement trying to become a star i'm sure i was but uh only here in uh california well chapter seven through 14 are useless now to rip them out of book sort of light pages thank you for doing the sound effect uh where i mean so you've only gotten your information from reading over my shoulder yes also just dreams dreams talking to people who know you interviewing people in your life well the people in this room of course you talked to that was like right before you came on i did

notice you were scribble i thought you were signing the book were you writing another chapter yeah look yeah you're the last chapter congratulations oh wow i'm in the book do you mind reading from that kyle yeah what did you say about me well i i i i didn't say anything about you i just introduced myself that's in the book so it says here kale sugar hams sugar hands nailed it on the first try i mean that might be just her did mel Gibson name you and it just says uh well then it goes into my biography oh it says on is that where you were telling them in in Czechoslovakia right before the soviets came i guess i'm so yeah it really paints me as a kind of a war child spoiler alert you did it your way yes that's what it says here it says title ideas but it just says one he did it his way

but put it in the i form or so i don't know what that means huh yeah okay so the back of my book is just scribbling musings on what his book is going to be about yeah i didn't have another piece of paper oh i see okay how many copies of this book did you make well there's at least like 400 400 but some of the chapters are out or i had to print them myself and my hands hurt and my grandchildren hate me so i had no help let's talk about that why do you know let's talk about you see i i've spent my life focusing on other people so i don't know you sound like such an interesting person a person whose grandchildren hates them i mean that's a story well whose grandchildren don't hate them i almost everyone really yeah well i have a a couple chapters about your relationship with

your grandparents um well you lived with them and then you your grandmother taught you to play baseball in the full moon full moon no one's playing baseball in the full moon the whole chapter i mean there are night games and then your grandpa turned into a ghost and became i don't know why i'm looking at you to cosine of this don't look at the vampire look at me you're basically useless i love baseball i want a little bit of help from you i get nothing i can't wait to write your biography someone who started as a professor and then pivoted really hard in the latter part of their life to vampire this is the latter part of his life hey what's gonna happen oh that tells you i think i know when someone's gonna die that's how i can put in their biography uh-huh rich so did

you know about uh ken star a few weeks back yep oh my god we guessed it we guessed it was gonna do you know that famous death that happened on october third uh seven days ago yes it's you oh fuck wait a few days ago yes i'm a ghost that's why i couldn't remember my thing when you move into the afterlife you're moving on mentally yes oh yes okay my ghost thing is um what's your twist on a classic ghost uh i love big old ghost tits your kids are gonna love this episode i can already he's like cracking up right now you know sky well i have you i just want i need i need to like some help fill in in the blank so first of all you don't have me you're on my show oh go ahead no wait okay well then why are we in my house is this not my house this is not your house

no this is the year well studio rats dang it all right um well not quite sure how you even got here but go well me neither is there anyone's guest um you've been married eight times yes absolutely i've been married once for what seems like eight times oh right because you're the elizabeth taylor of the podcasting world that's what people call you not not really because of your gorgeous jewels around your neck and your your eight marriages no i mean maybe the jewels but no i'm not even the conan o brian of podcasting who you wait so you've never you've done a biography of me and you don't even know who conan o brian i'll write his biography right now tell me anything about it i can write it uh tall created podcasting tall created from the harvard lampoon to the saturday

night live to the simpsons to his own talk show which was maligned because nobody knew who he was and yet he managed hold on you're going too fast born on the full moon in massachusetts conan o brian massachusetts might have that part right dang it oh wait you're trying to get along no no no no uh he did it his way fine you want to know how it ends he did it his way he actually did do it his way yeah much to nbc chagrin in a way yes yes in multiple ways yeah what about jay leto you know who that is uh who the aw before the who is really interesting but you're trying to decide if you know yeah you know i'm just moving real slow at my age you know i'm in my early to late yeah how did you how did you get into this line of work well i for a moment i was for 15

minutes i was a professor at pepperdine university really the scoundrels yes and then i got fired as one does of course and then i thought you know what i have a whole life ahead of me i'm gonna just start writing books and i was like uh fiction seems hard doing research seems hard so you were that sweet spot in between yeah sweet spot where you do no research about the people you're writing about and scott i gotta tell you you're you're the most interesting character i've ever written about really and i've written about mike dukakis what'd you write about him that when he was in that tank yeah and i wish i knew a lot about mike dukakis or anything really he's a democrat itty ran did you write in a chapter about how he was the first person i ever voted for

in an election oh my goodness scribble scribble right right right that was a new obama election you wrote in dukakis yeah in 2008 scott augerman wrote in mike dukakis just even wrote mike they'll know who you're talking about yeah they knew they knew they knew why do they let you write anyone into that you know what i mean it's like it's like you're never gonna get the person that you want in there so why but it's for spoiled brat yeah exactly yeah i believe the founding fathers knew that a well-served country would be full of people with senses of humor who could write in the funniest name of the time i know that because i've written most of the founding fathers biographies most why not all as some of them are boring some of them are dead

name the founding fathers i don't know who's considered is franklin a founding father ben franklin probably i don't know i mean he he definitely found uh that key on that kite that's right born in the full moon in new hampshire ben franklin was born he moved to new york city with a resume in one hand and tap shoes and the other sensing a lot of recurring motifs well that's you that's not that not me i'm not i'm not a fan of my own work yeah what about john handcock there's a guy we don't know anything about guy who's famous just for writing big i signed his name when i signed my checks really mm-hmm no one's ever noticed checks two people or the ones you're cashing who that is a thing like why okay so you sign the back of a check

that's given you does anyone check that shit out or no no they're just one sad guy at the bank who has to check yes that's my job i do that i do that and now i'm here to talk about my crazy job at the bank which is to check the signatures and to check them for accuracy well i i i i'm flattered i have to say that you wrote a book about me i i don't know how i came up on on to your radar uh you know uh well you came to me in a dream and then i googled you and you were real and i was so excited that's interesting i wonder if that's like a sublim or subconscious thing where you saw some of my work yeah maybe and what yeah i wondered who i was and then went to sleep and exactly something i saw you i walked past you on the street it turns out you are real and you know

i think that this book is just going to be flying off the shelf so this was not intentional because that holds 400 books that's a strong shelf first of all or a long one it's a it's both i have one shelf i think it's going to go flying off the shelf mostly because my house gets hit gets hit by very specific earthquakes pretty often but also i think very specific ones yeah just like really ones that are just my house really so you're on several fault lines wherever they intersect mm-hmm um but i think people are really going to love it all the part about you uh i'm was going to jail for murder a murder that you didn't commit that part people love that it's exciting yeah all your marriages it's good if people are gonna love it how's it end

october third yeah are you sure you want to know remember i can predict death yeah how with how much accuracy between zero and a hundred yeah hit me how am i gonna die you die at 190 begging to die because it's way too long to be alive yeah i hear anything after 70 it's all just like kind of pointless yeah i'm living that um so just beg who am i begging if you don't mind everyone anyone the nurses surrounding you you're surviving family members right is assisted suicide legal by then or no man but you know what your last words are what's that i did it oh beautiful story beautiful now what do you do with this sort of uh fate do is it an edible story where fate is always determined whether you know it or not or can you change your fate

scott ockerman edible story now that you know it a delicious edible story because we've been taking edibles this entire time it's hard to do a show like this without being high yes most podcasts are done that's the only way we can come up with the jokes i wish you had told me i would have put lsd in my tea now i feel like an idiot they have some doses i microdosed a little bit earlier yeah you want some here we go go go go thank you you take such silent gulps it's good for you to let us know what you're doing exactly right so how do you feel now tired we shouldn't have put lsd in the sleepy time i'm tired you look like that little bear you put the little hat on you've got your pajamas on which bear is this on the sleepy time tea box my celestial tea i love that bear it's it is

uh on the mount rushmore of bear mascots pattington yes he's on the bear mount rushmore yes smoky smoky old smoky not the new smoky yeah the bear that killed the the movie in that verner killed the uh the owner in the verner heros oh yes in grizzly man yeah the bear that i wrote his biography oh he did it his way the bear from the edge with alex baldwitz sure yeah that creek written by the or directed by david mammoth uh written by him definitely uh the bear from the children's book corduroy yeah okay and a jeers and a dishonorable mention to the shaman bear who could not wipe his own ass to save his life who does update in this collection of bears who does update yeah we're doing dreamcast of yes i would say yes i mean do you want more of an early style

bear with a rye bear i think the coca cola bear polo bear oh yeah he's probably got a nice sort of shabby chase vibe to him i like how you said shabby shabby i do a soft shush uh yeah i thought i was going to say jimmy growlin who do bears growl like like howling oh i see do bears growl yes you know they growl you're why didn't that get a huge laugh because it wasn't the quality of the joke it was a misunderstanding of the noises bear i thought you were trying to talk about a real person i should i don't know who's crawling because it's more fowlin no it's not it sounds exactly the same as growling we forgot about poo bear oh does it matter poo bear when you the poo the uh the the bottomless wonder amy polar bear that's a bear that works actually pretty well

now how about if i said that right away scott awkward this is the story of your whole appearance the way i look you be yes and you're a real logo well look guys we're running out of time unfortunately i feel bad i thank you for writing this book about me uh will you sign it of course i'll sign it to you or yeah whatever you want to write your signature is enough do you mind if i just cross stuff out and correct it sure what are you okay well yeah i got your signature your life is mine now i can do whatever i want with your life wait a minute this was a contract yeah just write your unauthorized biography oh okay so this was this is just a contract it's not the actual unauthorized biography well so now you're gonna write the real one oh no

i'll have to start from scratch oh dear that's gonna be a lot of work to figure out what kind of moon he was born on yeah i know no idea well we're running out of time we just have time for one final feature on the show that is a little something called plugs oh great that was teeny tiny pluggy wuggy the shortest plugs theme that we've had in a long time thank you so much that was kevbot 4000 uh did that one thank you so much to kevbot 4000 yes yes oh you're you grab the mic and you're putting it right in front of your open mouth like i have something to say i'm trying to be polite to you and then i call on you and you have nothing i'm not aware of my own body i suppose i sometimes i want to have something to say

so i grab the mic nothing is there all right loyd garter belt is here um kyle what do you want to plug here obviously we've plugged enough i think free v i'd like to plug free the concept of free the concept of free whatever it may be um and uh yeah avenue five and and high school both premiering over the next couple weeks on your on your neighborhood streaming service and those checks are just coming in this week yeah you hold those for me yeah yeah wow amazing signed by by john handcock yeah right on the back um all right uh matilda graveyman what do you want to plug anything um real plugs uh sure i mean that we only do real plugs um in the plug in the plugs uh basket well my bag have i forgotten how to do the show my mic

dukakis biography obviously oh good yeah the real plug yeah two podcasts uh on head gum called sitcom d&d which is my new podcast i've heard about this i hear it's good yeah it's i i'm loving it's with my chicago best friends and then um hay riddle riddle which i've been doing for like four years on the head come podcast wonderful and loyd garter belt catch me on next week's episode of comedy and uh why not uh you could catch the group big grande entour at the end of october and beginning of november go to big grande dot com if you live in chicago toronto new york new york road island st louis pittsburgh again more back to the vampire okay so uh we talked about this before but uh

comedy bang bang book is coming out in april and you can pre-order it now all fans of the show we're gonna want one of these it's really i think you're gonna love it it's really uh pretty incredible head over to cbbworld.com slash book for all the links including for autographed editions i'm signing uh as they say a shitload uh and uh go to cbbworld.com slash book for more info on that we have so much over there the full archives of this show as well well as ad-free episodes as well as other things like scott hasn't seen uh the movie podcast we're in the middle of our october shocking tober frightening fest uh where we're watching scary movies uh we just watched old uh with pat and oswald on friday and uh this week we're watching carry so uh truly a

october shocking tober frightening fest again inappropriate material showing to my kid i just showed my kid carry really what they think he loved it he loved it what do you love about it like he relayed to the bullies yes yeah he uh yeah i think it's just its commentary on uh um you know young i shouldn't get into that yeah i haven't seen it yet uh i know it's uh episodes coming out this friday don't spoil it for me if you would uh we also have the andy daily podcast project we have cbb presents so much stuff this book changed my life lily solovan show so much is going on over there and the entire tour archive of the tour that we just did so head over to cbbworld.com and uh sign up and uh if you sign up for a full year you get

two months free all right let's close up the old plug bag there is no hentai he's not going to see oh okay what a quick turnaround yeah that was hentai plug mix by glasik i believe uh thank you so much for that wonderful plugs uh closing of the plug bag theme and guys i want to thank you so much kyle always a pleasure to have you on this show continued success to you uh uh i you too i i love seeing you pop up in shows i don't expect you in and i'm like hey he's here for an up i love it kyle's thrown up thank you very much for having me my pleasure uh and matilda graveyman yeah wake up

yeah sleepy time t with lsd and it is something else i'll tell you that who visited you in this dream to write a biography how you and you're real oh dear and loyd garter belt it's been real it's been fun you're either never coming back or you're here next week i haven't decided at this point all right we'll see you next time thanks bye