Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Live at Largo w/ Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Daly, Carl Tart, Tim Baltz, Lily Sullivan, Gil Ozeri

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

Recorded live from Largo at the Coronet in Los Angeles, Scott welcomes to the stage Jason Mantzoukas, Drew L. Barrymore, Dalton Wilcox, The Chief, Randy Snutz, Francesca Bolognese, and Dr. Sweetchat the Small Talk Robot to celebrate the release of Comedy Bang! Bang! The Podcast: The Book.  Visit https://www.comedybangbangworld.com/book/ to get your own copy of Comedy Bang! Bang! The Podcast: The Book!

Ahh! Los Angeles, oh my gosh, is this on, hi everyone. Oh my gosh, is this on, hi everyone. That's our new cast phrase. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Always a pleasure to be back at the Largo, where they force you to say the thaw. That's the extent of the prepared material for this evening.

No, thank you so much for coming. This is, of course, the book release event for Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast, The Book. Quite a labor of love. This is the cover for it right up there, of course. We have several contributors to the book who are going to be here tonight, and we'll be chatting with them, and it's very, very exciting. Did anyone buy the book out there?

You don't have to hold it up, sir. I'll take you at your word. I and perhaps some other people will be signing books outside after the show if you care for that, and if you don't, fuck you, I guess. And fuck you anyway, too, even if you do want it. I don't give a shit. We have a lot of great people here tonight. I hope you'll bear with us. There's a lot of people here tonight.

So why don't we just get to it? You guys ready to start the show? I want the comfy chair. Let's welcome our first guest. He has been on the show almost as long as it has been a show ever since the end of one of three One Days. You may know him as one of the hosts of How Did This Get Made? Please welcome Jason Mandukas.

What's up, jerks? How we doing, Largo? These chairs are absurd. What's absurd about them? Glanny, this is ridiculous. What is wrong with them? What are these? These are like jump seats from Top Gun. Hey, Goose.

This is absurd. As a man who has admitted to me that he cries every time he sees the scene, where a goose dies. Yes! Of course I do. You must be having flashbacks right now. God damn it, if I get into a flat spin tonight, I swear to God, I am gonna flip out. Jason, wonderful to have you here. Thank you so much.

Thrilled to be here, Scott. You said you needed me. I showed up. There's 700 people backstage. Did not need to leave the house. I could be tuning into the live stream. Is there a live stream? No, there's not. I don't quite remember the conversation where I said, I need you. You begged me. You called me and you said, I got a huge favor to ask.

Favor? You said, you gotta do me a solid bro. I don't think so. You called me bro. You said, you're my brother. I need my family there. Are you excited about Fast 10? Family. Of course I am. Did I or did I not send you a video yesterday? Do you want to put it up? I don't think I can.

Can you? I don't believe we can. Do you want to just show your phone to the audience? I'm sitting at home yesterday minding my god damn business. And I get a, I get a, I don't like it. I get, I get a video from you. This guy's cut himself into the Fast and Furious trailer. This guy falls for every studio's dumb promo. I'm a, I'm a character in it. I'm Oxcord.

That's me driving. What car do you think you would drive if you, if you were in the Fast and Furious? 1995 Hyundai. That works. Sonata? What is it? Are you thinking of Frank Sinatra? Hyundai Sonata. No, I thought we had moved on to a different subject.

Oh, old blue eyes? Absolutely. Let's dig in. Why are you so far away from me? Did you want to... I thought we would be next to each other and then expand outward. You begged me to come. You didn't, did he give me a seat assignment? Nope.

He chose a comfy seat. Now you're pissed I didn't choose one of the not comfy seats? When I'm arguably going to be on the stage just as long as you? This is a power play. You don't think I see it? Guess what? Look at me. I can do this. Can't do that on those. I have a conversation about the chairs, I have to say.

Especially with one of the guests on the show is very concerned with the chairs. I would be too. And has been for years. And I have not heard those so this was a lot of conversation. I don't doubt it. I don't doubt it, but I... Yes. No, you go ahead.

You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck me? Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you. What if nobody else came out? They would love it. What if nobody else came out?

And at what point? At what point would the audience start to be like, wait a second. What is this? What is this show? Is this a bro down hoe down? It might be. Guess what? Put up the comics, Link.

We're talking comics. Is this an episode of Drippin' Milk? This is episode... This is the pilot episode of Drippin' Milk. Your episode of Drippin' Milk. Look under your seats. There's milk for everyone. It's hot.

You've got milk. You've got milk. And if you're wondering why it's body temp, don't ask. We got access. We got... Oh, it's good to say the milk, but it's the beef. The meats. Yeah, the meats.

The meats. The meats, yes. We got the milks. I don't like it. But I do love it. And what I mean by that is that sweet, sweet, titty milk. Oh, yes. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Have you... And this is a legitimate question. Have you ever sucked the milk out of a titty? The way you asked it... You won't see Rachel Maddow asking these types of questions. Is a hate crime. I would love to be on Rachel Maddow. Talking about this very subject.

Never ask if I've sucked that sweet, titty milk. No, I've never. I have never. I've never tasted breast milk. Nor have I. Tonight's the night. Somebody... Is anyone lactating in the crowd?

It's lactating. Raise your hand if you're making milk, ladies. Are we gonna... I'm the first guest. I can't come out this hot. No, you can't. No. You gotta cool it down.

I gotta cool it down. We gotta start... Boy, watch out. Yes, we have a lot of people on the show. Do we, though? Before we get to them, though. I'm nervous we might not anymore. A lot of people backstage.

I didn't know it was that kind of show. Before we get to the show, I did want to talk about... Something very serious. Something that you wrote for the book. Because this is the book release party. You are a published author. You're in the library of Congress. I want to bring up the first page of Jason's entry

in the book, if we could. Now, this is, of course, your... What would you call it? It's not even an alter ego. It's your real name. I'll tell you what. I don't even know how to approach talking about this. I found writing it absolutely confusing.

And talking about it here, for the show, I find absolutely bizarre. I'm not sure what way to take this. What I want to know is... Oh, yeah, what does Jeffrey think about it? Can I talk to Jeffrey? Don't we have to bring somebody out? Can't I talk about titty milk more?

All right, fine. Drop the Jason Manduga's character. Oh, the agro persona? Yeah. Drop it and let's talk to Jeffrey just for a second. All right, how you doing, Scotty? Let's get to Jeffrey. I'm right here.

You're still Jason. Let's get to Jeffrey. When did we did this for an hour? Just like Meisner. Can I talk to Jeffrey? Hey, Scott. Can I talk to Jeffrey? Because right now I can tell you're Jason

still pretending to be Jeffrey. But I want Jeffrey. Okay, got it. Yeah. Oh, I feel so vulnerable. Go ahead. Jeffrey? Hey, Scott.

It's so great to talk to you. I haven't talked to you in years. It's really weird, actually. Yeah. I don't do this in front of people. How have you been? I mean, Jeffrey, this is... You've been in so deep for now over a decade,

at least. Oh, yeah. 20 years? It's like a Donnie Brasco scenario. Now it's Jason again. I don't know what to do. I don't know why you can't set me up. You're too in.

You're too in. You were teasing me with the joke. I forget it. Anyway, Jeffrey character weedies everyone. That is a real headshot that I took. Yes. A real headshot that I took that is... Never used.

Never used? Never used because I thought it looked ridiculous. You look very handsome. I'm listening. That's where it ends. All right. Fair enough. All right.

Let's go to our first guest. What do you say? Oh, me? I thought you were... I thought you said it to them like they were going to be like, Yay! I was getting ready to cheer. Oh, if you're really asking me...

Why are you here? Do it again. Do it again. Let's get to our first guest. What do you say? I'd rather not. Fair enough? You've given me too much power.

I really want Jeffrey to come back. All right. Let's get to him. He is an actor. We've never met this gentleman before. He's an actor. Please welcome. And I got to look up his name.

This is bad stage work. I know. Are you like... Why do you want Door Dash? Just getting something for after the show. Getting some lube delivered. Is that what you want to hear, Jason? Some Door Dash lube?

Do they do that? Yeah, they have the generic brand. The Door Dash brand. DDL. He's an actor. We've never spoken to him before. He is not a contributor to the book. But please welcome to the stage, Drew L. Barrymore.

Wow, thank you. Thank you so much. Really appreciate that everyone thank you. Hey Scott, thank you so much for having me on the show. It's so wonderful to have you. This is, believe it or not, this is my first interview. I've never been interviewed before. I've been acting a long time.

Ever, really? Yeah, I'm really... It's such an honor that you would decide to do it here. Well, no, I mean, you know, my publicist... You have a publicist who's never gotten you an interview. Well, okay, let's get into it. Okay. And let me answer the question that everyone is asking.

Two-foot-one. Yeah, you walked out here. Everyone saw you were a very diminutive person. Yes, some people probably didn't see me at first. Yes. But yeah. You are just shy of two-foot-two. That's right, yeah.

Just under two-foot-two. For anyone listening at home, everybody in the room obviously knows this, but anybody listening at home now can understand visually what's happening. Yes, I am a small person. I am proportionate, though. So it really does look like a person just shrunk down. Yeah, see, I mean, you're not like a human chode.

Well, thank you for saying that. I just mean... I mean, physically, you may be personality-wise. I have no idea. Well, I hope not. Scott, are you still pitching that as a superhero franchise? Oh, my God. Kevin Feige will not listen to me.

Who would you want to play the human chode? Did I come out too soon? Sorry. It feels like you guys have... You're not ready to move on to new business yet. So Drew L. Barrymore, you're an actor. You're a little person. I'm a proud actor.

I've come from a family of actors. The famous Barrymores? No, unfortunately not. But my dad... Well, okay. You've seen my work, even if you don't realize it. I'm in costumes a lot of the time. I'm like that Doug Jones guy, except I'm tiny.

Doug Jones, for people who don't know him, he's very, very tall, very thin. He plays a lot of monsters in movies. Weirdos? Yeah. And I play a lot of... I don't know if he plays weirdos. Oh, I know that he does.

He plays monsters, but they're usually misunderstood. They're misunderstood. I mean, the lady in the water... But they're monsters. She falls in love with it. No, not the lady in the water. It's the shape of water. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm thinking of a different monster. Yes. M. Night Shyamalan. That's right. What a twist. Anyway, this reminds me of when I was in that movie, The Vavitch, and... You were in The Vavitch.

That's incredible. Yes, I saw that. I played the back half of Black Phillip, the evil satanic goat. Hey, that goat? I hated to see him leave, but I love to watch him walk away. That is your work.

I hear you. You want to know the sex of the goat. So... So what are some of the other roles that you play? Well, the biggest one I'm doing right now, of course, is Grogu. I play Grogu on The Mandalorian. This is Grogu! Yeah. Holy shit.

Yeah. I mean, the finale for season three just aired, and we're going to talk about everything that happened. I mean, obviously... So if you haven't watched it yet, fuck you. Obviously. So that must have been hard doing the death scene. All I'm going to say is,

don't count Grogu out. But he is dead. No, he's dead, but don't count him out. And it's so funny you say that. I should have known, because the minute you stepped out and started talking, I was like, where do I know this voice from? Like when you saw me,

when you saw me walk out onto the stage. Almost as if you were a marionette. Well, yeah. And at times, you also do a little bit of this. Yes, that's right. A little bit of Kermit the Frog in here. That's right. Yeah.

So, yeah, that is a great part. And listen, I'm no Pedro Pascal. I'm in that suit every single time. It's always me. Always you. I love Pedro. That's not a disowning. He's a great guy.

How has he ever been in the suit? Yeah, he got in it for the first episode, and he got right out. And I heard that it's AI doing his voice and just chat GPT, right? It's all the lines. Yes, that's right. Like what would the Mandalorian say now?

It's a long shoot day. It's a long shoot day. It's almost always this is the way. That's right. That's an incredible part. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Thank you.

You know, it's emotionally incredible. So, like impactful. It's acting that I don't get to do that often, of course, the other big gig that I have going right now is I'm the current Pillsbury Doughboy. Are you still getting poked in the tummy? When I tell people. Usually when people see me.

Is this like a Houdini experience where you know how... You have to warn me first. Yes, exactly. Because he died by someone punching him in the stomach without warning. That's right. I didn't warn him. Out of curiosity, just in case that does happen,

have you told your spouse a secret word so that if you end up on the other side, you can use that secret word to let your spouse know that you've crossed over. Yes, of course I have. Through a medium. Yes, of course I have. Now, my wife and I are both...

Thank you. Thank you for answering that. My wife and I are both ardent skeptics. Thank you. But should the possibility exist... Cover your faces. ...that you can talk from beyond the grave, the word I said, she'd know me by is...

Whoo-hoo! So that's... Obviously, that's the signature line from the Pillsbury Doughboy. Yes. So you are pretty sure that somehow you will be killed as the Doughboy? Or is somehow in service of that character?

No, the two are not connected. Oh. We can see. Really? So the who-hoo-hoo, which is one hyphenated word. Who-hoo-hoo. Usually people don't grasp it that quickly, but that was perfect.

And then you just speed it up. Yeah. It's written in the scripts as who-hoo-hoo. And then on the day, you know, the director will say, but faster. Just toss it on. And then I'll put it on again. Yeah.

Do it like you don't even care. Whoo-hoo! Wow. So you're the... What happened to the previous? Oh, he died. You know, the people that can fit into that costume are not long-lived people.

And you would think, like, the opposite of tall people, because tall people are like great Danes. Like, they only live so long. Because the heart can't, just doesn't have the strength to keep that body going. Exactly. And so after a while, tall people, their bodies just...

Shuts down, yeah. Like a light switch. It has a way of shutting the whole thing down. Like a light. Like a light. You never hear about the Pillsbury Doe Man, you know? No, he's forever a boy. Yeah.

Always a boy. Much like Pinocchio. I mean, the Jolly Green Giant has Sprout, but the Doe Boy's got nothing. Do you think Sprout is going to grow up to be as tall as the Giant? Audience has no idea what these references are. Oh, that's right. Jolly Green Giant and Sprout, zero.

Imagine a commercial campaign that felt like, we're losing them, we better introduce a cute kid. Also, imagine a commercial campaign. That isn't Geico? Yeah. Yeah. What do you think of Flow?

Are you in competition with Flow? I love Flow. I love Flow. No, I'm not in competition with Flow. You're not. Why would I be? Because you're in commercials. She's in commercials.

But they're commercials for different things. Sure. Do you think people are saying, should I get insurance or crescent rolls? I mean, you're making me hungry. Just think about it. I will tell you this though. Yeah.

I don't like the expanded Flow Niverse. Oh, this is a take. When that Jamie starts to star in the commercials, uh-uh, give me Flow or give me Death. I'm also, I'm on board. I'm going to go out on a limb and say, these are so successful. Let us watch Flow and Ham fuck.

Right. If you're going to set it up that Ham's obsessed with Flow and that he wants to date her and they're going to be a couple, put it online. Why not have ads for progressive on Pornhub? Say, like, if you want to see the whole story. Yeah, if you want to see the whole story. If you want it better, if you want to see what happens next,

go to Pornhub. Yeah. Because the commercials there are the sex tape of Flow and Ham. Yeah. Right. Ham Flow. You agree with this. Ham Flow, absolutely.

Hashtag Ham Flow. Yeah. No, I sign off on this. I co-sign. I do like to watch Flow negging that guy. Flow knows what she's doing. Yeah. Take him down a peg.

If Flow were to be in a cross campaign with you, would that be fun? Oh, I would love that. Yeah. I would love it if... Well, she's progressive. The gecko is Geico. Yeah.

Ooh. I mean, you know how... The general. You got the general. The general still... Animated. He's animated. So is the Geico...

No, he's not, son. Oh, wow. Wait, wait, wait. Have you played the Geico Gecko? I auditioned to play the Geico Gecko. Who got it? And one of my best friends got it. Really?

Who's that? A guy named Brad R. Pitt. You didn't say Brad R. Pitt, right? You said R. Pitt. I got it. I hope I didn't. That would be it. I didn't mean to.

Hey, I'm sorry, Brad. He's heard that all his life, Brad R. Pitt. Yeah. And then, of course, I always get Drul Barrymore. Funny stuff. Well, I don't think it's funny. Oh, sorry. I think it's mean and hurtful.

Sorry. I didn't mean to insult you. What a weird take from you. I beg your pardon. I really want to apologize. I'm sorry. I accept your apology. I think you're a great guy.

We're friends. We're friends, of course. You forgive, but you never forget. Is that right? That's true. I heard that little people have memories like a steel trap. Is that right?

Where'd you hear that from? I can't remember. I don't know if that's a generalization. You should be just floating. Dude, you would be dead. What's that? That's a generalization. You should just be floating.

You're too far away. We can't understand what you're saying. There is one monitor over there. Who's that for? Me. It's for you? I don't know. I think that's the only monitor on stage for all of us.

Should we move closer to it? I'll be right next to it. Well, so what are you working on now? I mean, obviously Grogu. Obviously the Mandalorian. Yeah, I'm trying to get my dad involved. Maybe he could play one of those little guys. Yeah.

I forget what they're called. They're, oh man, I just said it today. Oh, the Anzellans? Anzellans, yeah. You know, my dad hasn't worked in a while. Who's your dad? He was one of the goolies. The monsters that came up out of the toilet?

Well, he was the monster that came up out of the toilet. They cut him out of the film. They did use that image for the poster. No. Yes, but you do not see a gooly come up out of the toilet in the film. I know. It's so disappointing. Of course.

When you see that poster, you're thinking, oh boy, this is going to be good. That gooly's going to eat ass. Somebody's going to be, somebody's going to be voiding their bladder or bowels and be attacked by a gooly. Man. I'm still afraid one's going to jump in my butt. Well, you should be. It worked.

The poster worked. I mean, we didn't think dinosaurs are real, and then they turned out to be true. It's a good point. I'm, I'm diagramming it in my head and I think it works. Yeah. Absolutely. It did turn out to be true.

They turned out to be true. But, but until, until maybe five years ago, we didn't know they had feathers. No. Remember, we thought they had multiple brains. Some of them had, yeah, some of them had brains in the front. And now we know they're all birds.

They're all birds. They're all birds. Yeah. They're all birds. That means big bird is a dinosaur, and this isn't that terrifying. That would actually make a lot more sense. That would help me as a kid make sense of big bird

because otherwise this is chaos. Is Snuffleupagus real or is he not real? He's real to me, Scott. And when in the early days when Big Bird would refer to Snuffleupagus and no one else could see him and they called him Big Bird's imaginary friend, that was very frustrating for me as a child. Yeah.

Because we see him. I knew he existed. And then Gordon comes in here and makes Big Bird doubt his very senses. So, but since then they now have established that he's real and Gordon has died, right? They've all died. Yeah.

Luis, dead. Mr. Hooper, dead. Oh, do we have a graphic for this? Bob, dead. Just red X's over their faces. I think we've got a graphic. Can we get the graphic that's all the Sesame Street regulars who are dead?

Yeah. Show my yarn board. Easy Reader still alive. Electric Company. Yeah. That's because he wasn't on Sesame Street. Electric Company did not gaslight anyone. Everybody from Electric Company is widely known

to be immortal. Yes, that's right. Rita Moreno? Yeah. Oh, of course. Absolutely. You know, her name sounds like Rita Moreno. Does it?

Yeah, in a way. If you say it like that, it does. Which is good advice for kids. Rita Moreno. Is that a play on something? I don't know. I'd like to dig in on this more. Sure.

What do you mean by that? Not sure. Readem Areno? Well, it's like Readem and Weep. Now, I'm so glad we went further. Because now you're really in the weeds. I'm firing on all cylinders right now. And Weep?

Readem and Weep. Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay. Why? Well, yes, sure. Readem and Weep. Yes.

But you're saying that's like Rita... Rita Moreno. Moreno. Yeah. Uh-huh. No, no, no. I want to keep going. What if her name was Rita Mendeweep?

Manweep. Mendeweep. Mendeweep. Yes. Or Menweep. Readem Menweep. Readem Menweep? Menweep.

Menweep. And when I watched Grogu die in this week's Mandalorian. That's true. He's a grown man. You readem side titles and then you wept. I wept. The subtitles said Grogu dies. Yeah.

Like Shakespeare. Shakespeare's dead too, yeah. Yeah, he is. One of the... One of the world's most famous dead people. Shakespeare. Dead. Louise.

Dead. Gordon. Dead. Marvel? Actually, I thought Gordon might still be alive. I don't know. Some people are saying no. Some people are saying, I don't know.

Everyone get your phones down. Everybody's googling, is Gordon dead? Gordon dead, question mark? It was so interesting because I think he died on air. And it was... And he had a heart attack and it was early in the season. Everyone was like, I can't believe it's only the third episode of this season. Can I tell you the heartbreaking story that goes along with that?

Is that while Gordon was having a heart attack, the only person that saw him was Snuffleupagus. Yeah. And he kept calling for help, but none of the adults could see him. Right. And so Gordon died. Right. That's a good point. Hey, Scott, I got what you were doing earlier just now.

Thank you. Yeah. You look to be with a look of confusion. Oh, I had no idea. But now, I'm all up to speed. Hey, we're friends. Hey, we're friends. I like you.

I like you so much. We have a good time together. All right, good. Anything else going on in your life? Yeah. I'm going to be doing a real life Elf on the Shelf. This is like, this is almost like cameo kind of. Is this like, oh.

If you pay me a certain amount of money, I will come to your home. I will sit somewhere in your living room and I will spy on your children. I didn't realize Elf on the Shelf was almost like a nanny camp. No, he's a narc. Oh. Elf on the Shelf. ACAB applies to Elf on the Shelf. It does, really.

Santa doesn't need Elf on the Shelf. He can see everything. What does he need? You know what I mean? He's keeping track of it himself. Well, he sees when people are sleeping. He sees when people are sleeping. But he knows when they're awake.

Yeah, exactly. So my question, and Santa's not here, but... He has explained it, though. He's explained it, but... He's explained it in the book. How does he... He has explained it in the book. You're right.

But... But... Are we sure his list is correct? You haven't read this book, have you? I may not have read the book at this point. I read it. I was at the airport. I was coming back from Tunisia, where we shoot the Mandalorian.

I had no idea. I thought it was down in Long Beach. Oh, no, no, no, no. Really? Tunisia is the Star Wars good luck spot. And so... And so I was in the airport, I was looking for the latest Richard North Patterson, and I said, whoa, what's this?

Company Bang Bang, the podcast, the book? That's impossible. You thought it was impossible because you thought we would never achieve it? Oh, I see. But also, I thought you'd never achieve it. But I paged through it, and it was really terrific. I love the Santa Claus part. Yeah.

What else did I like? I liked the section on... So you had heard about the podcast before... Before seeing the book, you'd heard about the podcast? A long time fan, yeah. Oh, wow. So is that why you requested to be on the show? That's right.

You were mentioning your PR person. Yes, it was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What happens is, you know, my publicist will say, you know, try to get me booked on a

show or something, Kelly and whoever it is now. Sure. And... Is it... It's so funny that it's her husband now. It's like the guy searching for the Jeopardy host. Oh, who's it gonna be? Oh, me?

See, here's how I read it. Here's how I read it. Yeah. This husband doesn't want to do this job. Because he would have been doing it already. That's a good point. You know what I mean? She's had, like, many hosts to go through and they all keep leaving and I'm sure the husband

was like, please don't ask me, please don't ask me, please don't ask me. And then it finally came down to him. And now they're giving interviews about how they have sex. What? Some magazine was like, here's our sex secrets. I was like, I don't want to know that. That's sort of my business. Let's keep them secret.

Yeah. You guys seem to know a lot about this. This is a staggering amount of information you guys have. For Kelly Rippa? About the Kelly Rippa show. The Rippaverse? Well, what don't you know and maybe we can fill you in. Let's fill you in.

Well, I mean, I would love to know, did Ryan Seacrest leave acrimoniously? Or was it a conscious uncoupling? I can answer that. Yeah. Ryan Seacrest is four little guys in a Ryan Seacrest costume. What? Do you know those guys? Of course I do.

This makes sense. This is the rest of the Enzellans? No. Two of them are Enzellans, yes. It makes sense because he does go, no squeezy a lot. You have to see these guys at every audition, I would imagine. I mean, we're a little family, you know what I mean, in a way, because we do see each other a lot and we all trade stories

and we all just commiserate on the vagaries of the biz. And of course we all, in a certain sense, despise each other because there's so few jobs for us. And those guys that lucked into that Ryan Seacrest thing, but again, it's behind the scenes work and you don't really get praised for that. But two guys with the arms, two guys with the legs, they all pitched in controlling the torso and head.

So like one of them has a lever to do the jaw? Left arm guy, he could do the jaw. Right arm guy does the eyes back and forth. I wonder, because when you watch him on American Idol, he's very shifty-eyed, he's always just going like this. It's also hard because he has a radio program, he's got an idol, he's got so many, the morning show, so many gigs to think that that's not just one man having to do all that,

that is a whole team having to coordinate their schedules. Yeah, well only the one guy has to do the radio show because nobody can see it. So he's the guy that gets to do the talking. Okay. And he has paid a little bit extra to do the radio show, which the other arm and two legs are not happy about. They're not happy about it, yeah.

No. Would they show up to the radio show if they all split the money? Yeah, they're like, hey, just in case. Let me take a turn. It's like, well, you don't sound like the Ryan Seacrest was. Maybe his jaw would be clicking, you know, never mind. Yeah, maybe he's got TMJ. Maybe he needs to get a night guard.

Well, you're all Barrymore. So fascinating to talk to you. That's where you're going to leave it. Thank you. Well, there's a lot of people on the show. There's a lot of people on the show. And thank you. This is my first interview.

I really appreciate it. Do you mind sticking around, though? Because I could use you. Okay. I mean, I phrase it like, do you mind? Like, honestly. Oh, but it's a command. Yes.

Stick around. All right. That's true. All right. Well, let's get to our next guest. What do you say? I agree. Okay.

He has a section in the book here. Comedy bang bang. The podcast. Let's look at it right now. There it is. Please welcome Dalton Wilcox. I'll sit on a wooden chair. Thank you very much.

I ain't sitting on one of these city slick and orange leather pieces of shit. I ain't never seen a goddamn orange cow. You ought to try traveling to the world of Mandalore. Look that. You know, I tried to watch that mandolinion. Oh, yeah. You've watched quite a bit of it, actually. I've heard you talk about it.

I have. Somebody told me it was a western. Somebody says it's basically a space western. Bullshit. I bailed on it. You are not watching the mandolinion. I am no longer watching the mandolinion. Are you really that Gro Gro?

I am. Don't hit me too hard. You're adorable. I'll tell you what. Thanks, man. Why are you still in the show? This is what I didn't understand about the show. What's it about this season?

Why he still has that baby? He tried to get rid of him. Yeah. He did, right? He came back. Has he just fallen in love with that baby? Do you have family? I mean, we've never talked about this, I don't think.

Do I have family? Do you have children? Well, I don't think so. I'm not in the way. The shape of water is definitely a monster. Hey, no disagreement here. And I killed him. Oh, what?

I did. You killed the shape of water? I killed the shape of water. Wow. The fish man himself? Yeah, the shape of water. I went to the... Where'd you meet him?

I'll tell you the story. How did this happen? Here it comes. When did it happen? How did it happen? Where did it happen? I have all that information. Ready to go.

I would... I, for one, would love to hear it. Really? I'd love to hear it. Shut up! Yeah, Jason, come on, man. I'm so, so sorry. Just this past Monday.

Wasn't that movie out eight years ago? Is there a statute of limitations on killing a monster? Yeah, no kidding. Got a goddamn shape of water walking around. Within award season, you have to kill the monster. Come on, man. What do you think? If you saw Frankenstein, you'd be like,

oh, he hasn't worked in a while, so I feel bad. Oh, yeah. I feel bad killing him. Oh, the domain monster? Forget about it. Oh, Mary Shelley wrote about him a long time ago. I guess I'll let him rampage. Bullshit.

Just this past Monday. I went to the Gene Autry Museum of Western Heritage. Yeah. The only museum I've been to is a giant train in the middle of it. Oh, no, you'll see that frequently. You never went to the train museum? Oh, right. Travel town.

There's plenty of places to see trains, my friend. The Franklin Institute? The Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago. Listen up. I went to the Gene Autry Museum of Western Heritage on Monday. Now, this must have been a very difficult decision for you because on the one hand, Gene Autry. Yeah.

You know, a famous cowboy. Okay. I will go ahead and picture Gene Autry on one of my hands. Right. But then... But then on the other hand, a museum is a very city-slicken place to be at. Yeah, that's true.

Oh, and that museum is literally in this city. It is in a goddamn city. That's true. Yeah. Is there an alternate term for a museum that's more western-friendly than a museum? Yeah, I sometimes call it the Gene Autry Place where they keep cowboy stuff.

That's better. That's a lot better. Also, every time I go there, I make sure and smash something. Oh. What'd you smash this time, by the way? Well, here's where it gets complicated. Just this past Monday. I went to the Gene Autry Museum of Western Heritage,

and I walked up to the gate and a fella told me, sir, the Gene Autry Museum of Western Heritage is closed on Mondays. And that was the goddamn shape of water. Was he swimming in a tank or something? You are so naive. You think if you don't see the shape of water in water, it's not the shape of water?

Come on now, fool. I am curious how you knew it was him. Did something like... What? That happen? What? Wasn't that the thing that was like... Oh.

Did he have a fish vagina in that movie? No, I think he had a fish dick. Didn't his dick come out? What? I believe that he had a cloaca. Thank you. He had a cloaca, but... No, it wasn't necessary for him to open his cloaca for me to recognize him.

I knew it was a goddamn shape of water, and I asked him, I says, are you a goddamn shape of water? Why was this on your mind? Eight years later. Well, funny enough, I had just watched a shape of water. Oh, okay.

Did you enjoy it? I thought it was real good until the shape of water showed up. Sure. It's about a sad woman. Yeah, about a sad woman. Which is your kind of movie. I like them sad, I tell you what. They told me they said, you know...

I'll tell you something. Who did you and me? I just said, which is your kind of woman. I'll buy each other a coke, I guess. Yeah. That seems like a very city-slicking thing to do. I ain't never drink a goddamn coke. What's your pleasure, Sassbury Lee?

It'll be a whiskey in a broken glass. Hey, you ever drink titty milk? I'd love to hear this answer. Sure I have. You know every mammal makes titty milk. Sure. I have nipples. Can you milk me?

Yeah, yeah. I've had the milk in lots of different animals. But I really don't want to go into it. I got one question before we move on. Fine. You can make cheese from a lot of different animal milks. Yeah. What about people?

Human cheese. You can make it. Have you made it? Yeah, but I normally stop at butter. It takes too much patience and discipline to get all the way to cheese. Well, it's incredible that you just killed a shape of water. Thank you.

And were you able to then go into the museum? Oh, yes, I did, yeah. And what did you smash? I smashed a glass case that had a painting in it, and then I took the painting. What's a painting of, do you mind? It is a painting of a beautiful western scene of a mountain in the hillside

and some native peoples of indigenous peoples. Thank you. I'm doing my best, you know. Is this a change in your show? Yeah, that's right. I've received enough goddamn emails, and now I know it is native peoples of indigenous peoples. Don't you receive emails?

I do receive emails. I go to the public library like everybody else, and I say, show me my damn emails. And if you ask, they have to show them to you. Oh, they goddamn do. I pay my taxes, not really. Taxation is theft. It sure is, goddamn it.

Yep, that's right. Yep, you've got... Come on out to the Dalton Wilcox Ranch if you want to collect your taxes and good luck. You best come armed. Well, you know, those 86,000 IRS agents, they are armed. Oh, yeah.

I believe they're going to be hired over a period of 10 years. You know, one of the things... I know a lot about this, though. I'll do it. One of the things that I like about the Gene Audre Museum is there's a lot of costumes there, a lot of western wear. Sure. And all of them are very tiny.

Oh, yeah. They're not... They're still too big for me, but I like to imagine there used to be a world where a guy like me could almost wear an off-the-rack suit of clothes. You're saying you see the clothes that's on the dummies and they look small?

Yeah, exactly what I'm saying. Well, that's a little bit of city-slicking bullshit. What? That's what they do. They take it in on the dummies and you'll say, boy, Gene Audre was tiny. Bullshit. Well, that's an interesting point.

Like, how big was Gene Audre? Gigantic. He's a goddamn cowboy. That guy could wrestle a steer down the ground. You think he was teeny tiny? No way. I have a question. All right.

Paul Bunyan. Paul Bunyan. That's not a question, asshole. Fucking idiot. He got you there. What a moron. Hold on. I wasn't finished.

He is right. I was not finished, though. Okay. Was he a monster? Oh, was Paul Bunyan a monster? I mean... And a sub question. Yeah.

What about Babe the Blue Ox? Okay. I'd say take the second one first. Seems very easy. The second one is easier. Yeah. Babe the Blue Ox? A Blue Ox?

That's a monster. Okay. Paul Bunyan. How big was they say Paul Bunyan? I think he was as tall as a giant tree. So he must be a 50... He's jolly green giant size? Yeah.

50 feet tall, at least. That's a monster. So 50 and above is a monster? No. No, 25 and above is a monster. He didn't even need to keep growing that mixture 25. So if you're 24-6... 24-6?

I'll give you a dirty look, but I'll let you go. So if you're out there... If you're out in the... Out riding your horse and you come upon a 25-foot tall man or larger... Yeah. You're taking him down. Hell yeah, god damn it. Even if he's chopping down trees with his giant axe, you're not at all worried about that.

I don't care what he's doing. The giant or the axe, the worse. I'll kill him myself. I will. I'll kill him. What would your method be to kill a 25-foot tall man or a 50-foot tall man? Well, Bible says... Hey, I gotta ask about a 36-foot tall man.

Gentlemen, this answer applies to any man 25 feet or above. Bible says rock and a slingshot. Of course it does. Of course it does. Of course. Yep. That's what you do. How tall is Goliath?

Pretty damn tall. Scott, I'm mad at you. Hey. Dalton, what? Dalton, we're friends. Not anymore, you asshole. What? Okay.

I'm with Dalton. Why are you mad? This is not a night to be mad. You know why? This is a night of celebration. We have the book. Why? Because you got them book?

Yeah. Well, okay. First, I'm gonna tell you my beef with you. Then, I'm gonna tell you the new title of your book. As you know, I am the author of You Must Buy Your Wife. At least as much jewelry as you buy your horse and other poems and observations from a life on the range. As well as the follow-up book, you still have to buy your wife at least as much jewelry as you buy your horse. And even more poems and additional observations from a life still being lived on the range.

By Dalton Wilcox, who also wrote the last book by Dalton Wilcox. I was wondering why you're clutching that book all night. The first title, you got down. The second one, though, you had to check in on it four times. Yep. That title has been proclaimed unmemorizable. By Fred Guinness? Fred Guinness.

Fred Guinness. You don't know who Fred Guinness is yet. But when you do, you're gonna fucking shit. All right. But now, God damn it, here's the problem. You see that picture up there? Whatever. That's God damn drawing of me.

I like it. Yeah. But what else is in this book, Scott, regarding Dalton Wilcox? What else? You tell them. It's been a minute since I looked at it. It's been a minute since you looked at it. You stole one of my poems out of my God damn notebook and put it in your book.

Yes, he did. Yeah. I left my notebook over. You left your notebook at my house. Yeah, I did. I didn't say please go through my notebook and steal some of the pages out to put in your book. I wrote a beautiful poem called The Earth Gave Me Crabs.

It is a beautiful, beautiful follow-up to my classic work, A Lonesome Cowboy, which is a poem about fucking a hole in the ground. And you, God damn, tore out the pages of my notebook and put it in your God damn book. Yes. Technically. Good. There you go. Technically.

What's the other part of it? There is no other part of it. Okay. I did it. So technically and otherwise, he's admitted to a crime. I don't know that it's a crime because possession is nine-tenths of the law. Yeah, exactly. Would you like to hear that?

That works out on my end. No, I don't think so. If you're possessed, I'm gonna kill you. Okay. I'm sorry, sir. The new title of your God damn book is now called I don't even know what a horse is. Another dumb fucking things a city slicker says. Featuring supposed to be humorous observations, but aren't.

And one stolen poem written by Dalton Wilcox by Scott Anchorman, who stole the poem. So look for that in local bookstores and on Amazon. That's right. Available for pre-order at B Dalton. Hey, can I get it at that weird bookstore on Franklin Avenue that it's inexplicably still open? The Skylight Books? No.

No, no, you're talking about... Counterpoint. Counterpoint records. Yeah. Counterpoint books. Yeah, the one next to UCB. Yeah. I believe they have records too, don't they?

They do. Nobody's been in there in 33 years. Look, I, Dalton, if I may. All right. The reason I stole your poem is because... Oh, this ought to be good. I love something that starts with the reason I stole. Oh my God, he admitted it.

He admitted it. What is the reason you committed the crime of stealing? But he's already admitted it. He said the reason I stole. Case closed. The reason I did it is because, Dalton, I know you were telling me when you were over that day that you've had a lot of trouble getting published. Well, okay, yes.

And I have an incompetent publisher of books. And I was making this book, and I saw an opportunity for you to be part of the book, and I thought... Oh my goodness. ...that I wanted you to be part of it because I want people to read your work. You're going to make me cry. The tears of a cowboy are a precious thing, so I don't take that lightly. You don't understand. If you make me cry, it means that you're a werewolf.

What's incredibly generous about that, and I will say you did, obviously you've admitted to stealing this, but in doing so, you've given an incredible gift to Dalton. Dalton, you must be excited. You got the $15,000 that we all got to write pieces for the book. I beg your pardon? I ain't received a goddamn thing. Sorry. I'm sorry.

We all got every contributor got $15,000. Shut up, you bitch. I even got $15,000. I'm not in the book. He's just a new guy. When I think of all this... This is my only appearance. Really?

Yes. When I think of all the jerky I could buy for $15,000, I could fill my jerky vault again. It's almost empty. Are you buying jerky? What? Make it. I'm heavily invested in jerky. Make it.

Crypto jerky. I have some of them, NTF jerkies. Do you think that, because you've been fucking the earth... NTF jerky? Yeah, non-transferable fungus. Dalton, you've been fucking the earth for years. I beg your pardon? You've been fucking the earth a hole in the ground for years.

That's correct. But only recently did you get crabs from it. Do you think that's due to global warming? How do you feel about global warming? Well, I'm sure it ain't happening. Because I'll tell you, once you get your picker in the ground, you feel how cold it really is. Isn't that the allure? Sure is, my friend.

It's nice to boil up some water on a campfire and use that to dampen the earth. Go on. Can we turn the lights down or give him a spot? I'll wait. A mad scramble in the booth. When the cowboy's lonesome out there on the way. The only thing he has to keep in company is his campfire and his horse who's had enough. He starts telling me it's time, dawg, and it's time.

That cowboy will dig a nice hole in the ground, burl up some water on the stove on the campfire and a little pot there, pour that warm water into the hole and get to fucking. And he'll fuck the earth and she will enjoy it. And this one time, I did get fucking crabs. And it wasn't for goddamn global warning. It was because of goddamn too much city slickers is what it was. City slickers bringing their city crabs all over the goddamn country. Fucking city crabs.

We can turn the lights up now. I don't think we need the spotlight anymore. You're saying city slickers brought city crabs to the middle of the country where you happened to fuck the earth and left them there? Well, you make it sound stupid. But that's exactly what I'm saying. Try to make it sound smarter next time. That's what happened. Well, I believe you and I wanted everyone to see the poem because I loved it.

How does a cowboy get rid of crabs? Okay, well, you know they've got the sheep dip. You know what a sheep dip is. Of course it do. Sheep dip. Cowboys just got to go slosh around in the sheep dip. But for days, days. Sheep dip, if you don't know, is a sheep. It's a sheep aside. It's a sheep aside chemical for things that get on sheeps. Here, people. What?

There ain't no cowboys here. What happened? Obviously, sheeps get things on them that's living on them in their sheep wool. So it's like a pesticide. You put a bath, you give them a bath, and you call it a sheep dip, you dip your sheep into bath, and if a cowboy has crabs, he'll just ride a sheep into the sheep bath. I am so glad I asked. And slosh around in there, but if for a human and a bad case of the crabs,

you got to hang out in there for a couple of days and have to take some of your meals in there. To answer your question. What is the biggest amount you ever were in the sheep dip? Well, I've had some bad cases of the crabs, my friends, and I've hung out in the sheep dip so long that the sheep dip ain't effective anymore, and so they've had to redip it.

Oh, no. You developed a tolerance for the sheep aside. So I do have some sheep dip tolerant crabs. But only like three or four of them, and I've come to like them. They're a little bit... On the topic of crabs, can I ask you, do you feel like Alaskan king crabs are monsters? Because they're so much bigger than other crabs. But they're tiny compared to humans, so it's...

No, they're monsters. Oh. I'm glad I asked. Yeah, yeah. Because you know what it is, is they walk sideways. I think that's all crabs. Right. That's all crabs are monsters.

Oh, all crabs are monsters. If they walk sideways, that's a monster. So ACAM. ACAM. All crabs are monsters. Got it. Hey, that's a good way to remember that. I don't mean to be so coarse, but are you even including pubic lice?

Of course I am. All right. Hey, that's what we've been talking about this whole time. Well, I know, but they're not technically... They're not actually crabs. Oh, right. Which is called crabs, because they give you a little pinch. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they can be trained to walk sideways. Oh, yeah, in the pubic lice circuses. Yeah. You used to run one of those, didn't you, for a while, first time? Yeah, I ran a pubic lice circus. I would just travel around by wagon to whatever town was looking for some fun. Roll up, roll up, roll up. Here comes the pubic lice circus.

Yeah. Did you have a date? Paul, the pubic lice circus is coming to town. That's what the kids would cry for. Yeah, and then Paul, Drew Ferry and Gates, right there. Very excited to do an act out. It's not a good idea to ask Paul if you can go to the pubic lice circus. They usually say no.

Just go. Just go. Yeah, just go. Well, Dalton, I'm so glad you're part of the book, even though it seems you're very upset about it. I don't think we're changing the title, but... Okay. It's going to be out next week, but I'm so glad you're a part of it. And if we do another one, I would love for you to just give me a poem.

Rather than accidentally leave it where you can steal it? Wait, is that what happens? Yeah. And are you willing to say, Scott, that you're going to give Dalton the 15 grand that he so righteously deserves? He would have to give me the poem in order to get the $15,000. Well, I can't anymore. He already stole it. How am I supposed to give him anything?

That is city slicker logic, if ever I heard it. I'm sorry, Dalton. That you just swindled me out of the farm all over again. What a gordian thought. I'll tell you what. Well, okay, I will take $15,000 worth of jerky or whatever. Jerky equivalent? Yeah, I'll take the jerky equivalent.

Jerky or jerky equivalent? I believe I have some jerky equivalent back at the house. I'm not sure if it's $15,000, but I'll get it to you. Sounds good. All right, good. I'll take it. All right, very good. Dalton Wilcox, everyone.

Yeah. I should move down? Yeah, why don't you move down? Obviously, Drew's not going to. I'm going to alert the conversations about the chairs were with him. Were they conversation? No, it was more like a one-sided conversation at me. More like begging, pleading.

We have a very special guest now. She is represented in the book, I believe. You believe? Hey, we all have our own beliefs, right? Sure. Is it possible she was cut? No, I believe that... That's the time in a book.

They were running out of time. She was bumped. But she is... She had her very own television program for a while or no. She was a guest on someone else's television program. I don't really remember the ins and outs of it. This intro is terrible. You want to take over?

Ladies and gentlemen, Francesca Bond is... No! Who is it? Chief! Chief? Oh, I'm sorry. Chief, everyone! Chief!

Chief, I'm so sorry. What's up, Chief? Who was I bumped for? We can't hear ourselves. The monitors are very low. But that's all right. The audience can hear us, and that's all that matters at this point. Well, to the audience, I say,

Greetings, gum shoes! Yes! I miss the hat memo. She doesn't know she's wearing a hat. You guys have very similar hair. Oh, shit. Oh, God. I have the same hair that Viola Davis has in air.

He showed that one early. I ain't seen it yet. We should check it out. They were going to call it hair, right? Scott, you know, there's already a film with that title. A musical, if you will. Oh, really? Are you a fan of musicals?

I love musicals. What's your favorite musical? My favorite musical... Sweeney Todd, the demon barber of Fleet Street. That is surprising to me. From the island of London. From the island of London Town. Home of Jack the Ripper.

That would be so funny if Sweeney Todd and Jack the Ripper got together and, like, had lunch. Hilarious. What would they eat, Scott? I'm thinking ham and cheese croissants. Why not? This thing writes itself. It feels like weird chat GPT right now.

Chief, what have you been up to? It's so good to see you. I mean, you've been off there traveling, I know, for a bit. We haven't seen you. Extremely far. I've gone to the ends of the world. The tops, the bottoms. The sides and the other sides.

I've crossed the equator. One side is hot. One side is cold. It's like the McDLT of worlds. The McDLT. Ah, what a reference. It's just beginning to work. I only know about it because I love 1980s commercial compilations on YouTube.

I didn't know that was one of your interests. Hugely. When I'm not finding people, I watch 80s commercial compilations. That's right. You've been out off there trying to find people or really one certain person for a while. Yes. That twinkling, twinkle toes, Carmen San Diego. Have you ever...

It's really infrequent that we check in on that search. Have you ever thought to... Maybe she's in San Diego. It's right there in the name. Scott, don't be stupid. Why would she be there? There's nothing there. So you've never looked in San Diego?

I'm constantly in San Diego. I love the gas lamp district. All of those military boys in uniform. Those crosswalks that are going every direction? Every direction, Scott. Crosswalks have no rhyme or reason. If you get to... At what point will you give up searching for Carmen San Diego?

And if you never find Carmen San Diego, what will happen? I can't speak in falsehoods. I only speak truths. Fair. The day I stop searching for Carmen San Diego is the day they put me in the ground to cover me with six feet of Georgia red clay. You're going to be dead, in other words. Is that what you're saying?

I'll be down there still looking. Maybe she's dead. She might be dead. She might be dead, chief. Have you ever thought about that? She's not dead. She's not dead. I still smell her perfume.

Everywhere I go. That could be... Just throwing it out there. Your perfume, maybe? No. It's a symptom of long COVID. Chief, you had the smell out of... Did I?

19 times. 19 times? Yes. I kept taking the packs, Loven, and kept getting it again. Well, also, you were traveling all the time during the pandemic. Only got it in America. But you're an anti-masker, I was reading. Oh, I would never put on a mask.

Cover up these pearly whites. This beautiful nose. The rest? Where else do you wear a mask? Well, that's a terrible situation. I didn't know you had that, but I just worry about you, chief, because you've been searching for... I mean, how long has it been?

When did you and Rockefeller get together? 1985. And the TV show started in 1990. 33 years. Chief, can I ask you a Rockefeller instrumental in the search at all? Do they help? They just provide entertainment when I get bored. Are they...

Are Rockefellers still in the mix, or have you moved on to, like, a pentatonix or something like that? Nope. I'm staying true to the all-male group. Rockefeller... Pentatonix is too diverse for me. Pentatonix is too woke for you. Too woke.

One thing chief will always do is rebel against woke culture. I did not realize that was part of your thing. That's the chief promise. This is... I mean, I've just... I've only heard this because chief's on Rogan a lot, so I've heard it. You're on another podcast? Yes.

I'm sorry, Scott. But you never provide the bubble-cush that Joe Rogan provides. I'm sorry. We should all be highest kites up here right now. Smoking big cigars for no reason? Full of marijuana. Chiefs, do you want to look at your entry in the book here? Let's take a look at what you provided.

Can everyone see that okay? Yeah. I might have thought the screen was going to be a little bit bigger, but... I'll tell you just... So you feel better, we cannot read it from here. Do you need me to read it? It's placement on the page is small. We have so much white space.

Yeah. You couldn't even zoom? What the screen lacks in size, it certainly makes up for it being wrapped. That's a joke for us. Yeah, I don't know that you can see it. But this is a memorandum, I believe, that you have issued. Is that correct? Yep.

Okay. Turn it off. Have you and Carmen San Diego ever had, like, that... What's that? I'm sorry, what'd you say? I didn't let you finish. Let's back up. No, we'll let you finish.

Say more. Oh, this is a Christian audience, I can tell. This is Marco, this is not a Christian audience. These are monsters. You're literally in goddamn Hollywood. Monstrous. Woke culture. Yeah.

Tell me, is that your ultimate goal is to make love with Carmen San Diego? Absolutely not, Scott. To bump nugs. Do you think... Do you think you guys will ever have that kind of... Where are the nugs located? And what are the nugs? The clit.

The clit, you said? The clit. That's gross. Scott, that's gross. I was trying to be poetic before, but... But will you guys have some sort of... Yeah. ...baccino-deniro-in-heat meetup where you get to sit across the table from each other and...

I have not seen the film. Give me another reference. It's fair. That's a question I genuinely would ask. And think, what would it have been that I would have seen? Yeah. It's like the man in the pair of sneakers in air. Ah.

Now you're talking my language, Mr. Will Cox. By the way, I hope everyone does see it. Or... Look out for prototype B. You may see someone familiar. Oh, hey! Wow, congrats. What do you think is going to happen when you actually see Carmen Sandiego?

I mean, you've been searching for her for so long. I am an officer of the law. When I find no applause, won't coach him. You don't love the police here at the Largo? Chief, you got to be careful. Don't antagonize them. They will defund your ass here. I get all of my money by selling things on Etsy.

I'm listening. I'm an avid Etsy user. What do you got? What are you selling? On Etsy. Dangling Los Angeles Dodger earrings. Okay. Dangling from what?

Crocs. The things that you put into your crocs. Oh. Jibbitz? Jibbitz. Is that what it's called? You have jibbitz. You don't even know?

I said your feet. I thought it was funny. Oh, yeah, yeah. Why are you so far away? I like it. All right. I don't want to be closer to you. Oh, Jason.

You've done a real heel turn. I will not with this audience right now. Why not? His perfume smells amazing. This isn't how this could make people on my side. Why are we talking at the same time? Just wait. There's going to be six more people on this stage in a matter of minutes.

But Scott. I don't know if you answered my question. But what was it again? Something about Carmen San Diego. What are you going to do? You know when the stuff we always talk. Are you committed to bringing her in alive? Yeah.

Absolutely. Oh, okay. I'm going to come up and... I'm not some necrophiliac. Now, hang on a second, Chief. You just said a bunch of stuff I'd like to unpack. Let's go down the line and say what we think the word come up in speech. And then we'll let the audience judge who's right.

Chief, do you think come up in speech is a type of payment? Yes. Like tuppence. Like a reward. Come up, it's $10,000. Oh, so just slightly less than how much we all got paid to write for the book. Son of a bitch. But you're saying that you would like to make love with Carmen San Diego?

I'm not saying that at all. Well, because you said you weren't going to be a necrophiliac, which would mean you would make love. That just doesn't mean I don't like... I don't want to carry her out of dead body. That's what that means and nothing else. But if I do catch her, I'm going to smack that rump until it's bleeding dry. Do you think...

I'm going to twist those nipples until they go back and go... Do you think Carmen San Diego has that BBL? Absolutely. I paid for it. You paid for her Brazilian butt lift? Yes, with the money you gave me to write in this book. Wow. I like we're calling back episodes that aren't going to be out for a week.

Chief, at that point... These people here are going to love those callbacks when they hear the episode. You wouldn't have a lead on where she is if you're sending her the money, right? Don't ask questions I can't answer. I am not allowed to discuss the case as it is an open and shut case. If it were an open and shut case, wouldn't it be shut by now? No, that's how it works. The sheriff is not allowed to discuss closed cases.

Well, Chief, good luck to you. This is a decade long quest. I mean, several decades. Several decades. 25 years, I believe. 33 years, Scott. What year are you living in? That's the last time somebody stepped into the counterpoint bookstore.

Oh, do you think that was related? Maybe it was. I mean, it was just... You're both 33 years. Yeah. That's the age of Jesus as well. I know, Scott. I'm a God-fearing woman.

Not his age ever since he was born, just the age at... What? And here we are, but weeks past Easter. Yep. Weird guy, right? Like he leaves and then he comes back. That's your quote on Jesus? Weird guy, huh?

Weird guy. But Dalton... What? Write that in the back of your books, folks. Jesus. Weird guy. Scott. Dalton, he...

Dalton, Jesus is like... He came back to life. Uh-huh. Are you making the point that Jesus is a zombie? Yeah. Don't worry, I've taken care of it. Long time ago. Okay.

My favorite part is like... He hangs out for a while after he comes back to life and then he just floats away into the air. That's your favorite part. You know what I was saying? Your favorite part of Christianity. He was such a drama queen before that, like getting up on the cross and everything,

like, bye-bye. Yeah, you know what I always wondered? What I always wondered is after he came back... What did the Romans say? Was there anybody like, wait, what happened? Do we have anything to worry about now? He said, I know that isn't who I think it is. Chief, I'm not gonna lie.

I thought you were talking about Carmen Sandiego. All right, Chief, everyone. Chief. All right, let's get to our next guest. He is... I believe I met him... I'll move down. I believe I met him when he used to change the ice

in the urinals at my favorite restaurant, Damianos. Please welcome Randy Snuts. Let's get it. Let's go. Hey, Randy. Hey, Randy. Hey, what's up, guys? Hey, Randy. Hey, Randy.

Hey, Randy. I'm not gonna say, hey, Randy. Randy, what's up? It's so good to see you. You have a box there. It's great to see you. Look, I never thought I'd be written down in the annals of history, let alone a popular book.

So I thought one good turn deserves another, Scott. Don't you agree? I don't know that I agree with that, but if I don't agree, does that end whatever is about to happen? Yeah. It ends the whole fucking show. Really? Really?

Any time any of us disagrees, the show just ends right there? With a casual colloquialism like that? Yeah. Okay. Why, what do you have in the box? What is going on? I have a gift for you, Scott. The box says my name on it.

Yeah, it does, so that someone else wouldn't take it. I guess I should have put my name on my poem. Scott, do you want to see what it is? Yeah, I would love to see what it is. One good turn deserves another, so... You put me in your book, and I put you in my book, and this book is called Hentai Volume 1. It's a comic book, or a zine, if you will.

Manga. Manga? I think you're more of a hentai guy. It's by Randy Snots. There's a big giant... You wrote this? I wrote this, yeah. I made this for Scott.

Give it up. Yeah. Thanks. So... The cover features, I guess this is some sort of octopus, or squid or something? I don't know. This is a squid, and his tongue is out,

because he's horny as fuck. This is Volume 1, so who knows if you're a good boy, maybe you'll get Volume 2. That's very kind of you. Thank you so much. No, I'm going to read from it. All right. We got to see what kind of a venture Scott gets up to

in Hentai Volume 1. Wait, I'm a character in this book? Is that Scott? Yeah, is that Scott? That's a character. That's not a... No, this is a giant squid. Trust me, this giant squid will show up later in the story.

But it's just like one of those books you give for your kid when you put the kid's name in it? Yeah, this is a G-rated book. Yeah. I would love it, Randy, if genuinely, you figured out a way to be able to sell that book. I feel like a lot of people would buy that, maybe more than they were going to buy this book.

What? Maybe we could do it for charity. What charity? Oh, no, my mom's name is charity. Oh, okay. How's she doing, by the way? Charity snuts. Say hello to her.

How about you, charity, these snuts? This is like a Rita Moreno situation. Okay, so I'm going to start... All right, I'm going to start. This is page one. It says, I hope you're ready to jerk off, dear reader. I'm excited. I mean, it really grabs you right from the beginning.

And we just... Literally and figuratively. We should say, don't, don't, here in the audience. If you're alone listening to this, fine, but if you're here in the audience, don't get ready to jerk off. Yeah. Yeah, the dear reader in this is Scott, okay?

Yeah. So this page is going... This page is going to grab Scott as hard as Scott's going to grab himself reading it. How did the hentai thing start? Do you remember? You said it. And we were like, why would you say that right now?

Why did that happen? Of course you did. You're the guy who's door dashing lube. Probably because there's a new hentai drop. I mean, maybe you saw some octopus at a formative age and it turned you on. All right. That's how fetishes are born.

Did you watch my octopus teacher? I did not, no. Interesting. Okay. I prefer the octopus students. Wow. Wow. If we ever needed confirmation, there it is.

Don't stand so close to me. What? 86. Oh, creep. Listen, you know what's really sad about that movie? I heard, you know, being in the business, I heard a sad thing about my octopus teacher. It wasn't the same octopus ever.

Yeah, it was different octopus every time. Audible gasps from the audience? Yeah. Guys, get it together. Yeah, you can't recognize one octopus. It was the same octopus. It was the different octopus every time. Well, the one in this book is the same every time.

All right, page two. One day, one day, an innocent older man named Scott Ackerman went out for a walk, and there he is saying, today is dot, dot, dot, rather good. So I like, I'm loving the book so far. I love the character development, and I love that you start off, you start Scott off in a place of innocence. Yep, look at him.

He just combed his hair. He's getting his steps. It's hot girl summer. Okay. Scott, that's your whole thing. Hot girl, hot girl summer. Yeah, sure. Okay.

Page three. When he saw a giant squid. And then he's going, wow. And the squid is going, hey, hey, hey. And now question, Randy. My first question is, is that to scale? Yeah. Because is that a tree?

It looks like a mushroom cloud. Is this in the Oppenheimer verse? This is in Indiana Jones and King of the Crystal Skull. The best, the best of the movie. No, no, that's a tree. It's just perspective. It's in the background. It's in the deep background.

Why didn't you put like a penny next to me or something like that? A penny next to scale. That's your request. Or like a pencil or a ruler or something like that. I hope you brought this kind of nonsensical detail to your own book. I think we did. Oh, good. All right.

Okay. So when he saw the giant squid, Scott says, wow. And the horny giant squid goes, hey, hey, hey. Okay. Page four. At first he was scared. And Scott says, I, I, I, I'm a coward. I've heard him say it.

These are all, these are all quotes from these are ripped from the headlines law and order style. Oh yeah. This is based on a true story, by the way. But then he got an idea and Scott says, I have, I know what to do. I've heard you say that before. I know what to do. Maybe, I mean, maybe God shows the page. What?

You're not going to show us this one page? What's that? Oh, this page. Oh, sorry guys. Sorry guys. Yeah. Oh yeah. Coward.

I know what to do. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. Here comes the climactic page. Is this the final page? This is the final page.

Wow. Okay. Last page. He had sex with a giant squid. Wow. There's the squid. One of its tentacles is penetrating you right there. The squid's eyes are closed.

Is it asleep? No, it's, it's really feeling. Oh, it's into it. Okay. It's feeling its sexual pleasure. Yeah. Is that drool coming down the lips? Hey, good.

Yeah. Hey. Hey. Yeah. I'm a better. Notice how Scott picked that out immediately. Scott was like, is that drool on his lips? I just wanted to make sure it wasn't another.

Who's that drool on the octopus's lips? I wanted to make sure it wasn't another bottom leaf. We always tell on ourselves, Scott. Why does drool have to, why does drool have to be such a big part of sex? What's that drool? In my opinion, those three pages is a long time to be ready to jerk off. So your, your rewrite, your pitch would be to. If you're taking notes.

Earlier. Earlier. Say start jerking off. Maybe a page that says start now. Oh no. I would move, get ready to jerk off until right before we see this last page. Gotcha. Okay.

So extra. All right. Well, there's some, there's some dialogue here. You can see Scott's getting penetrated by the tentacle. Should Scott read it? Not a bad idea. To be honest, do you want to read it? I'll do the giant squid.

It would make the most sense if Scott did the audio book. Okay. So that's, so you start there. That's your line. This orgasm is C plus. And then, and then the giant squid who's got his eyes closed and is drooling profusely out of its mouth. The giant squid goes, then Scott says, call me hentai enjoyer bin.

Wow. Just what the doctor or I'm as wet as the bearing crossing. And then Scott's got one more line. This is my fuck style. Nice to know you're such a fan of all of the in jokes. Absolutely. Yeah. This is all canon.

So if you're getting fucked by a giant squid, you know, you're going to say all your catchphrases. Yeah. And then I, then I noticed there's a little tiny man down. I guess is, is that like way down at the center of the earth or where? Oh, no, no, no. That's perspective. It's far away. That's me.

You can see my, my arms are all ripped. I'm looking good. But you have tiny little twig legs. Well, yeah, I'm not taking a class on drawn fucking legs for this book. But for the record, for the record, Randy's legs are jacked as fuck. Oh, yeah. He's not scared of leg day. Don't skip leg day.

That boosts your T. And then, and then I'm saying, so I'm watching all this go down. Like I was just walking in the park and I see this happen. And of course I go deaf. I didn't want to see this, you know, why? I didn't, my eyeballs didn't sign up for this. And that's how hentai began the end. Wow.

Wow. Thank you, Randy. I like the pages are stapled together. Like you didn't quite know how long this was going to be or how many pages you were going to be able to achieve. Yeah, that's true. And I started it and I was like, you know, getting my jollies, getting all my T. He's while I was making it.

You know, I was like, this is going to humiliate Scott. And then it just, the story kind of took off. And I was like, I thought it was going to be two pages and it ended up being five. It's really, it's really lovely. I don't like to, I don't like to point it out, but it's basically the same plot as the shape of water. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Well, take it, take it from a good friend of mine.

If you want to imitate a show, just add ING to the end of it. Anyway, that's a thinker for you. CISO subscribers on the way home. Pajillion dollar properties thing. Yeah, that's a lot. So if you see something that says hentai volume one ING, you'll be like, God damn it. Right. Well, this, this is great.

Adult Knight have to ask a giant squid like this. Uh-huh. Monster. Well, I didn't take a close enough look at the scale picture of the squid at the tree. Okay. Do you want to hear? I'll pass it down to you. How giant a squid are we talking about?

Do we need to draw a penny in so we understand? I don't know. Yeah, that's a monster. And what about someone who makes love with a monster like that? Oh boy. Well, you're playing with fire because a half man, half monster would be a terrible thing to produce. You know what I'm saying? Do you only have sex to make children?

Me and the earth. Wait, are you saying you've only had sex with the earth? Oh, no, no, no. I've had sex with any number of whores. We go as sex workers as well. Oh, yeah. Shit. Here come the goddamn emails.

You're in trouble now. Yeah, yeah. I go to a sex worker house. Go on and have sex with damn sex workers that's there. I just, for the record, Scott's not making love in my zine. Oh. That's a sport fuck right there. You can see it on his face.

He's drooling too. He didn't point that out. It's a mutual drool situation. Yeah, absolutely. You're both getting your jollies. You're young. You're in your prime. And is this truly the origin story of hentai?

Is this how hentai came to be? I think so. I think that's why Scott was always telling on himself being like, you know, like it's one of those mad lib situations when it first came up. Scott could have said anything. He could have said FDR. He could have said automobiles. And instead he was like, hentai.

That's a good impression. For the listener, that was Randy. That wasn't Scott who just screamed that. Hentai? Hentai? Hentai. We'll have to roll back the tape. I don't think that I could have said anything in that situation.

I said hentai three times. You said it one of those times. What? What? What? You're saying you've said hentai three times in your life? No. I mean, I said it a bunch of times while reading the zine.

Then what are you talking about? I was just riffing off what Jason said. We lost the thread in a great way. That's how the show goes, losing the thread in a great way. That's right. Well, I'm glad. It's a great gift that I almost wish you would have completed that. In time to be in the actual book.

Yeah, I don't know if you probably would have sold more copies if it was in the actual book. You did write something for the book. Let's take a look. Randy Snuts, a night of scandalous duplicity. This is a telling of a night that you spent. A sordid tale of devious snafus and duplicitous behavior. Situations normal, all fouled up?

Absolutely. Scandal is a foot. And you know there were whippets involved. Well, it's fantastic. And then we also get some of the other side of the story from your friends as well. Absolutely. Amber Pusatari and Stuart Knox.

Shout out to the crew. And of course there's an appearance by the devious Carissa. Of course, yeah. Out of curiosity, where are you guys right now in your relationship, you and Carissa? We're off again right now. I'm back to sleeping in the limousine that I bought on Craigslist.

Is that one of the ones with the jacuzzi in the back? No. I mean, it's, the trunk is wet. Hey. Asked an answer. Randy Snuts, everyone. Wow. All right, let's get to...

The trunk is wet. Let's get to our next guest. Oh, great. Thank you so much. She is, uh... Jason mentioned her before. She's from Italy. Please welcome Francesca Bolognese. Hey.

Wow. Hi, LA. Oh, my God, LA. LA. I love you, LA. Wow. Thank you so much for giving me a seat. I just had to wait for 25 people to go

if I could come up here and sit. All men. All men. Mostly white. Chief, how do you take that? Very offended. Uh, it's great to see you, Francesca. It's so great to see you

because I was so worried last time I see you. I don't remember. What was the last time we saw each other? Because I thought you were dead. I thought you'd die. You look so sick. You look like you were going to die. I don't remember.

Where was this? This was like the anniversary show. I was like, he's going to die. I'm so worried. Wait, the one that hasn't come out yet? No, no. Oh, this is last year. Yeah, this is last year.

Whole years. I've not seen you. I haven't seen you in a year. I thought I saw you on tour. Oh, I guess maybe you see me on tour. Whatever. We'll wait while you guys work this out. Last time I see you, though,

I was so worried you were going to die. And... So back to your thing. Didn't I get this one call from you? Oh, Francesca, please, please come to the theater. Please, I need to talk about my book. I did that right. And for the listener, that's Francesca,

even though it's a dead-on Scott Ogerman. As I said, I just like Scott. My impression is so good. Oh, you're in Scott. Well, you're right. I didn't write the book. A lot of people did, including you. In fact, we have a picture of...

Oh, wow. Francesca Bolognese. Tips for travel in Italy. You guys can read every word. Look. You were gracious enough to write a lot of tips. That's mainly what you do. Not the tape.

I do not give tape. I don't know how many fucking time I have to come here to tell you. I don't give a tape, okay? And I don't work. I'm not an expert in social media. Like you always say. I used to work in social media at one point.

You did, yes. You worked for Bed Bath & Beyond. Yes. Not BBL. BBB. What? BBL talk? Count me in.

One, two. Jeeks. Chief's eyes lit up when we said BBL. Suddenly engaged. No, you worked for Bed Bath & Beyond. Yes. And doing social media. Right.

So if somebody would comment something on like a tweety and they say something like, I'm going to BBL. A tweety? You ever drink milk out of a tweety, by the way? Yes. In my home in Italy. In Century City.

Italy. I go. They keep alive. They keep a mummy in the back. I go and they nurse. That's how they make the Parmigiano Reggiano. A mummy. They keep a mummy in the back.

Mummy. My meat? Mum. He told on himself again. He said, my meat? We need to clear this up right away. Is there a goddamn mummy in Century City or not? Like a daddy and a mummy.

Mummy. Like Brendan Fraser in... I hate you guys. Please. The whale. The whale. The whale. Whales are very big.

I love the whale. Oh my God. It was so good. It was so sad. It was so bad. It was so bad. It was so good. I cry.

And I vote for the Oscar. Please give it to him. Give the white man the win. Same thing I said. So yeah, I comment on the tweety. And I say, I respond to them. If they say something like, I don't know, for example, like, Hello, my name is Ralph.

And I win two bedbottom beyond with my cousin Vinny. My cousin Vinny? Ralph and his cousin Vinny. Is it Ralph Maggio? This is Ralph Maggio. Is it possible? It's Ralph Maggio. And we buy him a lot of leather sheets.

Leather sheets? At bedbath and beyond. For my cousin Vinny, he needs leather sheets because he's doing very important court case in Alabama. This is because my cousin Vinny wore leather jackets? That would be so uncomfortable. It would be so hot. And inside the leather sheets, pockets, I find a lot of hair.

Then I would respond something like, Okay, Ralph and Maggio, why not take your cruddy kid, go die in your dojo in front of your entire family? In front of your entire family? That's a terrible way to die. Oh, in the dojo? I know. I guess I met in front of the family.

I know, I know. You don't want to die in a dojo, do you? You want to die right here. You don't want to die in a dojo, do you? You don't want to die in a dojo, do you? Red leather sheets, yellow leather sheets, red leather sheets, yellow leather sheets. Ralph Maggio died in a dojo.

Ralph Maggio died in a dojo. How have I hid my hentai? The comedian has a podcast. That's your vocal, Warma? The comedian has a podcast with a lot of men. So that's, Francesca, that's what you used to do. Yes. And obviously you wrote this for the book, but what are you doing now?

Well, I still work for my best miyanda. Oh, what do you, I mean, what are you up to now? Well, at first I want to say, everything is fine. Yeah, we heard they're going out of business. We are good. Okay, Tracy. They gave out, I heard they gave out too many of those coupons, and now they're out of business?

Yes, they gave too many coupons away, and now 87 stores are closed, and they're filing bankruptcy in like an hour. It is fine. We are good. In fact, we are opening a new store in LA. Oh, wow. And everybody right now look under your seat. You have a baby on coupon.

I don't, I don't think we were able, no, we didn't get worried about this. I think it's just the milk. Yeah, we couldn't fit the coupons and the milk, so we just opted for the milk. Okay, so everybody look for your big glass of milk from Italy, from the mommy titty. It's so fresh. So what are you doing for Bed Bath and Beyond now?

Okay, so now we're doing a, we need to make a Bed Bath and Beyond a fancy. I learned, okay? Like an upscale Taco Bell. Exactly, like. So we are opening a Bed Bath and Beyond the reserve. Whoa, the reserve. I know, wow. Everybody's going crazy in here.

Yeah, we turned the audience down, but they're going crazy. If you're listening. It's rioting. They're tearing the seats out of Largo. It's crazy. We obviously, you know. I can barely hear you there so loud. They're tearing the staff limb from limb.

We're begging you all, calm down. We need to continue with the show. Drink your milk. Somebody set a fire. So Bed Bath and Beyond reserve, yes. It's just like a sound. It is a fancy, but then beyond. Because I know in LA everybody love a fancy stuff.

$85 candle. So what are the differences in a Bed Bath and Beyond reserve? First and foremost, you are going to like these. We turn. Just waiting for this to be hentai related, but go ahead. No, it's not. We turn the light very low. Should we?

Very low, yes, turn it down. You can, if you can. Oh, they can do anything. And then everybody in the room look so much younger. You look to be about 38 right now. You look like 65 right now. This is a romantic. This is a cool lighting.

This is what we want. This is a sexy. Sexy Bed Bath and Beyond. This is great. So is Bed Bath and Beyond after dark? Yes. And then we check the prices. So high.

Everything is so expensive. So the two changes are the lights are lower and the prices are higher? Sorry, I speed everywhere. She's drooling like a giant squid. Yes, yes. Well, there's more. Then we have a bar. We have a bar, like sexy bar, you know, for some men named Keith.

So he can drink his Chardonnay. And some girl named Hudson. She can drink her signature cocktail. Her Negroni Spagliato with Prosecco. Very popular drink right now. Everybody love it. So sexy. I have a cousin named Negroni Spagliato with Prosecco.

Yes, he wheeled me here. He wheeled you here? He wheeled me here, yes. He wheeled you here? In my Parmigiano Reggiano Rind. That's how you get around town? Yes, because you know I am one for tall. Yeah, well, I mean, very similar to Drew over here, which by the way, Drew,

you're drooling. Well, okay, I've heard that before. Hi, Francesca, how are you? I'm Drew. Hi, yeah, I'm an actor. I'd like to meet another small person. Well, bigger than you. Whoa. Wow, so sexy in here.

Is that bad weather beyond? I will say, and not to cause trouble or drama, but it's come to our attention that Randy is also single right now. Wow. Yeah, I'm single, I'm ready to mingle, and I'm hoping to tingle my privates. You started it, and you really wavered there at the end, Randy. I feel like almost everyone on this panel is single.

He's single for sure. Yeah, we could have some sort of a dating game situation here. This is a very lonely group of men. Well, Francesca, this is a podcast. I am a woman. I am a 71-year-old woman. And I bleed weekly. Three weeks on, one week off?

Yes, like a fireman. I don't get my period, I am too small. It's what happens when you get so tiny. I'm so sorry. Are you just in the BBB? What is wrong with you? Oh, BBB. Do you think I was subtle?

My body, you fucking creep. Just because she's small, she's not hentai. Also, by the way, I want to say, I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy for you. What for? I'm a non-zimpy. By the way, you can stop eating so much shit.

You had such a problem last time. I did a show with him. He was in the back eating the shit, face down. And now I hear you were on a non-zimpy. Good for you. You're so happy for you. And there we go. Now he just a drink piss.

If you're on Ozympic, you can eat as much shit as you want. It just falls right off. No, it make you not hungry at all. Oh OK. Someone's on Ozympic. No, but somebody know all the details. A lot of people in this town is on Ozympic. Have the audience on Ozympic.

Have the audience get a book all fed, take another their face and shout into their titties. I know, I'm what? So what's going on with that BBB? You still want to talk about bed, bathroom, and beyond? He looked me down when he said it. Um, what happened? Okay, so lights are low.

Things are sexy. You're drinking wine. The prices are so expensive. What happened? You wake up the next morning. Oh, I bought so many towels. Oh, my God, look at all these towels. How much was that $1,200 for the towel?

What happened to me? I have a friend who thinks about towels all the time. That's a very specific comeback also. I know, no one will ever get that. It's a very tiny show. From a show we didn't even tape. Um, but yeah. So a conversation?

You were there. Hey, I was there? Oh, oh, oh, okay. Um, well, this sounds like a dynamite idea. Wow, thank you. You never say something like that to me. Wow, good job, Scott. Ozenpik is working.

All right. Francesca Bolognaise, everyone. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. If you can believe it, we have one more guest. Well, we have one more chair. We do have one more chair, right? Yeah.

You think it'll be a man? I actually don't. Oh, I hope so. Fingers crossed. I think that it is genderless. I'm not sure. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Almighty God. but I have no idea, it is a doctor,

and those are traditionally men, but please welcome to the stage, Dr. Sweetchats, the small talk robot. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! We're going to need help with this. Hold on, Dr. Sweetchats. What is, what is that organ? That's Sweetchats' voice.

Oh, is it? And it is less comprehensible than ever. Perhaps, perhaps more indecipherable than ever before. Especially in the monitor. I'm feeling like I'm about to get fired up at the hockey rink. What is going on? This is the best thing that's ever happened. This should have been the whole show.

I said, Dr. Sweetchats, top to bottom. T to B, come on. This thing gets its own comfortable chair. What is? We said, wait, it's too mass? Can you guys understand it? Perfect. I'm on your side.

Oh, no, that, I know, that, oh, no, that's, oh, no. I heard, oh, no. I heard, oh, no. I heard, oh, no. What's everybody doing for spring break? What's everybody doing for spring break? Okay, wait a minute. Here we go.

We got it. Wow. Did you guys get that? What's everybody doing for spring break? Oh, finally. We got a vacation to downtown with a white man. Did, no. Back up, back up.

Do that, do that. We got a vacation to downtown with a white man. He went on vacation to Toronto with a white groove. Oh. You're welcome. It's all right, little fella, it's their fault. Skid, skid, skid, pro-mo, pro-mo, pro-mo Yes.

Skid, skid, pro-mo, pro-mo Oh, no. Oh, no, we heard oh, no, Dr. Smith. Skid, skid, pro-mo, pro-mo Oh! Why? Skid, skid, pro-mo, pro-mo Promo.

Promo. Promo. Promo? I heard Roblo. Is it book promo? He's programmed for promo. He's pro- Speaking of books.

Speaking of books. Speaking of books. Where is your favorite place to read a book? And why is it in a fireplace? I got the other one. I got fireplace. Wow. What is your favorite place to read a book in a fireplace?

Here's what I heard. Here's what I heard. What is your favorite, speaking of books, what is your favorite place to read a book and why is it by a fireplace? Yes. Wait, did he say oh, no? No, I don't think that was that. In a fireplace.

In a fireplace. In a fireplace. In a fireplace. Oh, he burns books? Whoa. Oh, but also, are you sitting in a fireplace reading a book? I think that's what he's trying to, yeah. For those of you who don't know, Dr. Sweetchat is a...

Really? You're going to try and make sense of this right now? I would love to watch you try and... He's a very heavy flesh... What's your favorite book? Is that what you said? You must buy your wife... What was...

Did he say Moana in there somewhere? Moana F? What? Oh, no. He has... He has so much vibrato. I heard Sex Appeal in Cindy Crawford. Is this a separate entity?

We're hearing now? It is... Oh, this is Story Mode. Story Mode, yes. It's not just Sweetchat has entered Story Mode. Forgive me. I'm sorry. I didn't realize.

The different modes sound different. Are there any modes that... Little fellow, we'd love to hear a story. Dalton is enraptured by Dr. Sweetchat right now. Dalton appears to be the only person who understands. He's Dr. Sweetchat Whisperer. It's almost like Dalton is closer to Dr. Sweetchat. In a weird way.

Fried bread. Yes. Are you ready for a story? Ready for a story, yes. Okay, so the other day... He was out with his lawyer and his seven sons. They were all named Wendy. It was a natural party.

Anyway. They were eating din din. I thought no train would join. Out. Prime. Salt. Yeah. The waste.

The worry thing is inedible. Because of all the salt. It's inedible because of too much salt. Exactly. I like he's not pausing long enough for us to ever translate anything that's happened. Maybe if we turn the lights down again. A story and a boy dies.

A boy dies? I can't tell you which boy but he dies. Get out and finish this story. A little boy dies if he doesn't finish the story? All I can say is that he's probably alive. Turn the lights down some more. I feel like this is the moth. It's a storytelling show now.

And there's no notes. Yes. He says he's going to shoot us with a potato bar. Just remember we're allergic to potatoes. He's allergic to potatoes? No. I heard that. We all heard that.

We all heard that. Wow. Yes. New Tesla? Yes. Seattle or Arsenio? Seattle or Arsenio? I hate to make that choice.

I feel like I'm in the band sticks and I just had a stroke. Dr. Sweetchat, how is it possible? We've had you on the show now. It gets worse every time. That I heard and yes I agree. I heard that. Every time it's worse and worse. I don't want to hear beaten by Michael Jackson.

Yes. Toss salad and scrambled eggs. Also a Seattle-based show. Wait, is this Jay Leno at the dentist? I swear to God, I would like this to go on for an hour. What did the blue man say to the groom? Let us repeat this. What did the blue man say to the groom?

I don't think the blue man talked in the blue man group. He's in joke mode. I hope you get stomach cancer. Hold on. Wow. Wow, that came through. I'm not getting stomach cancer. Wait, what do you...

He's negging me, I think is what he's saying. He hopes you get stomach cancer. I hope you get stomach cancer. I feel like it goes beyond negging. This is a threat, I think. Dr. Sweetchat, I... Dr. Sweetchat, are you in the book? Yeah, Dr. Sweetchat does have something in the book.

Dr. Sweetchat has some advice in the book and a few pages in the book. Are you proud to be in the book, Dr. Sweetchat? Very proud, so proud that I wrote to my mommy and told her you fucking idiot. Guess what? I hope you inhale napalm.

I hope you inhale napalm? You know, I find it's difficult to interpret sarcasm in his tone. I'm sorry, I hate to go back. What did the blue man say to the group? Oh, no. The hell he did? Okay, he said, oh, no.

His default response. Yeah, that's a frequently, you'll say, oh, no. What's the man who lived in Los Angeles' favorite neighborhood? What? What's the man who lived in Los Angeles' favorite neighborhood? What was it? Oh, no. No.

All right, that's our show, everyone. Thank you so much for coming out. Jason Manzukis, everyone. Lily Sullivan. Tim Baltz. Carl Tartt. Andy Daly. Gil Ozeri.

And Paul F. Tompkins. Scott Ackerman, everyone. Thank you very much. We'll see you outside. Yeah. Come on.