Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Mike Hanford, Vic Michaelis, Zeke Nicholson

Episode Date: June 24, 2024

Singer-songwriter John Lennon, Jack the Ripper, and psychiatrist Dr. Green join Scott for the return of the CBB roundtable! They’ll discuss and break down the issues of the day which include extraterrestrial life on other planets, the environment, superpowers, and lucky numbers.

["Comedy Bang Bang, Comedy Bang Bang. Four score and 16 stone with Gavin Rossdale and Joey Fatone. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Seven Layer Dip Mayor, Seven Layer Dip Mayor for that wonderful catchphrase submission and welcome to another edition of Comedy Bang Bang. My name is Scott Aukerman and we're doing

something a little different for this episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Not different if you heard the first edition, we're doing something exactly the same, but we're doing something a little different in terms of format. That's right, it's a return to the Comedy Bang Bang round table.

The Comedy Bang Bang round table is back. This is where we gather some local citizens. They don't have to be local either. They can come from anywhere they like, I guess. We don't have any sort of parameters regarding that, but citizens certainly of whatever country they hail from. And we gather them all in a piece of furniture, which is circular in nature,

which leads to us sort of all being able to look at each other at the same time. And there we discuss the issues of the day, and we break them down and we see how we feel about them, how you might feel about them, and hopefully in talking about them we come to a little bit of an understanding about how we feel, how you feel, how the world at large feels, and how maybe we should feel about these issues. That's the Comedy Bang Bang Roundtable. It's right there in a nutshell. The first one went so well with Pasta Pasta and the guy who owns Kissy's grocery store,

and the other guy. They went so well that people have been clamoring for the return of the CBB Roundtable. Let's get to it, because we have some amazing topics that we wanna discuss here with some incredible guests. Let's talk to them. Let's introduce them one by one so that we can talk to them individually before we collectively talk to each other Let's introduce them one by one so that we can talk to them individually before we collectively

Talk to each other on the cbb round table Our first guest Is a musician of note uh He's been compared and probably called, uh, what a modern day bethoven in a lot of ways in the in terms of uh, Writing catchy popular popular, popular then, popular now songs. He was-

That's not bad company. Beethoven? Yeah, I mean- I've never heard that one before. Unless you don't want to be deaf. I don't want to be deaf, dead. I'm living in that type theory. Any of the DEA words.

That's right. You don't want to be- Dealing cards. You don't want the DEA to be wrapping on your door either. Don't fight you. That's right. You don't want to be a- A dealing card. Yeah, you don't want the DEA to be wrapping on your door either. No thank you. That's right. You were arrested once for drugs, I believe. Oh yeah, we had a lot of them back then.

I know Paul was, famously. Paul McCartney. Paul, oh yeah, Paul McCartney. One of the guys in my band. Yes, that's right, it was so long ago. We had, all right, hold on, I'm gonna shut my mouth into the intro. That's right, I do want to introduce you

because I mean, the clue that Paul McCartney was in your band is a pretty big one, so people may have been able to figure it out at this point. Maybe Lyndon McCartney's showing up. Already the bass player from Wings, I guess that was Paul McCartney. But we do need to introduce you, he was a member of the rock and roll band The Beatles. Hit band. It was a big hit band. A band can't be a hit. I mean, a band can't chart, can it?

That's a good question. I guess your songs chart. Most popular band. Right. I guess they should do that every week with the songs. I guess whoever has the most popular song that week is the most popular. I mean, we could figure that. We just have to put it into a computer algorithm.

Oh, okay. I think. Do you know computer algorithms? No, not as much as I would like to. How that we just have to put it into a computer algorithm. Oh, okay. I think. Do you know computer algorithm? No, not as much as I would like to. How much would you like to? I'd like to know. You know, who's the guy, Bill Gates?

Sure, Bill Gates. Famous divorcee. Is that so? That's right. Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, what happened to that? I split us under, I can only imagine. Who's got the cash? I think Bill kept it all.

What a lucky guy. Lucky guy. With a great lawyer. And I hope you have one as well. I've got a great lawyer. Ringo does a lot of stuff. If Yoko ever finds out that you're alive. I feel very unsettled.

You just gotta say my name. I gotta say your name, but I have more information to say about you. He was dead for approximately five years, or four years. Four years. Four years. Four years from 1980, end of 1980 to the end of 1984 or beginning of 1985? Beginning of 84.

Beginning of 84. So very late. Three years. Three years, kind of. Three years in one month? Three in one. Three in one. Half dozen of the other. Please welcome John Lennon. Hello. Thanks Scott for having me. And I'm coming in from, you know, I'm coming in from Boston. Oh, from Boston. We're not my hometown, but I was in Boston. Why were you in Boston?

I was taking the Paul Revere tour. Oh, okay. The guy, you know, the guy dressed up He's so dressed up as Paul Revere. Does he talk about Paul Revere stuff or does he just talk about like he tours houses? He tours random houses. Well, we go to random houses and he tells us what he thinks happened back in those old days What he thinks? I don't agree with much. I didn't know who this guy was wearing sneakers. Oh, okay. Well, I mean, you're from England. You're famously from England. Bloody old.

Liverpool, to be more specific. So you must not know a lot about our history. Well, you know, I'm an astute historian. I'm interested in history. You're interested. I've got history books. How much do you know? Not much, but I'm so interested in the idea of it. Yeah.

Having all those books and reading about the wars. I think everything that's ever happened is in history. It's got to be. And that's what I'm so interested about. You know, I love everybody. Yeah. Do you think that we have more history in front of us than we do behind us? That's a good question. You think this old crazy idea is going to burn out after a while? I don't know. There's all crazy idea of like, hey, let's put humans on the earth. I don't know if it's working for us. I don't know. I think we're tearing it apart, live from limb. We're sort of like a virus on the earth that maybe it'll expel us from it at a certain point. I remember off air you were saying you wish the pandemic had continued to sort of scorch the

earth more. I remember you saying that. I didn't know what you were talking about. Yeah. Well, I'll clarify off here. Please, please. But welcome to the show. Welcome to the CBB Roundtable. This is exciting. I usually have to come on here and promote, promote something. I've got to do something. Sure, yeah.

This is great. You haven't put out music in probably 40 years. Haven't put out music, and also that Super Bowl concert I was gonna do didn't go through. Wait, you were doing a Super Bowl concert? I was gonna do a big, huge Super Bowl concert outside the Super Bowl Stadium. Outside?

Right. Why not inside? Because I think a lot of- Because they wouldn't have me. A lot of people would have been interested to have you, I would think. I think so, I thought so too, but I didn't wanna play any of the music, I just wanted to do karaoke.

Oh, of your own songs? No, all the songs, a lot of ACDC songs. Oh, okay. I love those, the Rock the Bells, you know, Hell's Bells. Yeah, what would John Lennon sound like singing, For Those About to Rock, We Salute You? Okay. For those about to rock, we salute you. Okay. For those about to rock, oh yeah baby,

we're about to salute you. Sound more like Austin Powers than you do. I'm trying to do that more. I'm trying to get into the Austin Powers. You're trying to. I think it's time, you know, when something is popular and it's like, oh, everyone's doing it. I feel like now it's falling apart.

Yeah, we need to bring back the things that were once popular. Right, also- In order to make this nation come together. Thank you. That's a big issue of mine. Yeah, the nation coming together or- Right, every nation coming together. Getting Pangea back together.

Would you like a one world government like they talk about in the Rapture? Well, if everyone was nice- Sure. That I'd love. Yeah, okay. Cause all you need is- Do you think the Rapture will have- oh yeah, that's one of your songs. The Rapture? Yeah. What's that? That's when the old, the big JC, you know, JHC. The big boy. The big boy himself, yeah. He comes down and he goes,

jip, jip, jip. He just like plucks a bunch of people from the earth and takes them all on up. You know, now I'm starting to think of that Avengers movie. It's like Thanos, yeah, but he's supposedly a good guy. Right, I thought Thanos had a, he was good. He had some good points. He had some good points. Yeah, we'll talk about those. A good shade of purple. But we need to open up the round table slightly more

to our second guest. He is a famous, I mean, he's a famous guy. We still talk about him. Thank you. He's a famous guy. We still talk about him. Thank you. He's got great branding. He, of course, there's an unfortunate side to that branding, which is we know him from some of the misdeeds he did back in the 1800s.

But, and not sure why he's alive. Maybe he did exactly what John Lennon did, which was just decide to become alive again. We'll figure this out, but please welcome to the show, Jack the Ripper. Hello, Scott Ackerman, how are you? I'm doing good. It's great to, I mean, I wouldn't say it's great to meet you.

I would imagine most of the people who met you in those dark and dalleys- Rude? Ruse, is that what you said? I said rude. Oh, okay, well I thought you meant rude. I came onto Uh, ruse. Is that what you said? I said rude. Oh, okay. Well, I thought you meant rude. I came onto your podcast as a fan of yours.

Oh, really? Yes. Okay, then I'm a fan of yours. Okay, well, thank you. Appreciate that. The feeling's mutual. Death, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Death be thee, thee not proud, thy not proud. Death, get out of here is what I say. Get out of here. And I'm going to say it too. Death, get out of here. what I say. Get out of here. And I'm gonna say it to death, get out of here. I'm sorry. Why are you alive? I killed so many people. Yeah.

Ugh. Yeah. Sorry. It's a real boo boo. Just a mistake on my part. And I'm sorry. I apologize. If you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't.

No, I would. You would. Well, I had to. You had to. I was on vacation. I was bored. Oh. Have you been to England?

I've been a few times, yeah. So boring. I mean, I- So what'd you do? I saw some shows. What kind? I traveled the countryside. What kind?

Yeah. I saw Matilda the musical. Did you see Six? I didn't see, I saw that here in LA. Okay. Did you see Six? Yeah, I saw Six. What'd you think?

Boring. I mean, he killed a lot of those women. Did he? Yeah. Oh, not me. You looked at me and I was like, I didn't do that. No, no, no, the king, whatever his name is. Henry VIII. Henry VIII, yeah.

Beheaded. Yeah. Died. Yeah. That's how the song goes. Is that why you went to it? No, okay. Sorry, you asked me a question. How am I here?

Yeah. Do you know time machines? Let me see. Are those DeLorean's? No, think about it. They go up to 88 miles per hour. Sure. Yeah, I know time machines. Okay, not me. Didn't know a single thing about them.

And I said, I think I'm gonna be alive again, sort of like Mr. Lennon. Oh, I see, okay. That's what I did. Great, all right. And when did this happen? Just recently or? So I, I'm from the late 1800s.

I sort of thought to myself, I wanna say two days before, two days for me ago, which would have been 1888. Okay. Does that sound familiar to you? Meaning two days before you died or? Two days before I died.

I said it'd be fun to not be dead anymore. And then I woke up here. Oh wait, two days after you died or? Two days before I died. I said it'd be fun to not be dead anymore. Oh wait, two days after you died or? Two days before I died. But why would you say it would be fun not to be dead anymore? Well, it'd be fun. Well, I was thinking about it and sort of, you know, how the saying goes.

If you were to be dead. If you were to be dead, then you're dead already. Right, right. So here we are. So you never actually died or? Because they never caught you. No. A lot of people think that you were this one guy this time

Do you want to know what my name was? Yeah, well Jack Ripper It's right there. I know I was literally sending notes to the police like I bet you couldn't find me at 1666 North Cummingham Way and they never even thought to look ah these guys these guys ACAB right, right? Huh? Oh, you don't know what that is yet. Wait, so how long have you been alive now? So I've been here, well, I came and I thought

I need to do something, I need to tell my story and I thought what better way to do it than the comedy bang bang second iteration of the round table. Gotcha. So that's what I'm doing here. Not sure that answers my question, but it's great to have you, Jack the Ripper.

Thank you, and it's great to be here. Yeah. Do you want me to answer the question or no? If you like, I mean, it seemed like you were avoiding it. I'm ready to go to the next person. Let's talk to the next person. Let's open this round table up. The circle remains unbroken, but it just slightly expands.

He's been on the show before. He is a former psychiatrist. I'm interested to hear what he's up to now. Please welcome back to the show before. He is a former psychiatrist. I'm interested to hear what he's up to now. Please welcome back to the show, Dr. Green. Wagwan, Scotch, girl. That's true. Great to have you, Dr. Green.

Hey man, it's been a long time. Yeah. You looking good. How you doing? How's everybody doing at the round table? Good, fine. Wow, what an international round table we have. Yeah, we got, what we got? We got London. We got, where you from, man?

London. London. Where are you from? Jamaica, brother, I'm from the island. That's right, and remind everyone of, you are, people come to you when they want marijuana. No, no, no, I'm a serious medical professional, but everybody thinks I'm a wee doctor just because of my accent. And your name, I guess, Dr. Green. Dr. Green, and the fact that I'm a serious medical professional, but everybody thinks I'm a weed doctor just because of my accent.

And your name, I guess, Dr. Green. I'm Dr. Green, and the fact that I have a clinic on Venice Boardwalk, but I'm not a weed doctor, Scott. Okay, so I can't get any weed from you? I got a little bit of weed in my car, but. Okay, you wanna share it or, I mean? I'm, yeah, putting a bunch of weed on the round table. Okay, yeah, that's where it belongs. That's right.

Yeah. It's great to have you, Dr. Green. Thanks for coming. Listen, Scott, my last time I was here, I was working more in the medical, like the mental health space. Yes, you were a psychiatrist. Psychiatrist, yeah, but I'm not doing that no more, Scott. What are you doing? I'm a surgeon. You're like a surgeon.

No, I'm not like a surgeon. Me a here surgeon. So you've, you're, you're a weirdo upgrade. Yeah. You are a surgeon. Me a surgeon. Wow. This is incredible. What, what type of surgery do you perform?

So me do a very specific type of surgery, Scott, where I do- I hope so. Me just do animal organ transplants. Animal organ transplants. Animal organ transplants. I think he said Oregon. Oh, I believe that's his accent and we don't want to make fun of anyone's accent. No, no.

Certainly not. In this day and age. It's cancelable. Hashtag work. Like for anyone to actually do a different accent too, that would be horrible, terrible. On the line. Yeah, but so are these organs from animals

to different animals? Are they from animals to humans? What are we doing? Yeah, primarily the pipeline is animal to human. Okay, so me do pig hearts. Sure. Me do chicken livers. You're making me hungry. My favorite food. Goat intestines.

Oh, my second favorite food. Anything you need from an animal into a human, we put it right in here. No problem. Yeah. And this works or? Most of the time. Yeah. Like what are your, what's your success rate? People survive. Survive. That's right. And sometimes they even thrive. What's the success rate on one of these? Say what? What's the success rate on one of your operations? Me don't really do like percentages or numbers. It's more of a vibe down.

It's a vibe based. Ballpark. Ballpark. Two out of three. Okay. Hey, Joe, Meatloaf said it best. Yeah. Two out of three ain't bad.

Yeah. I take them odds, you know. Not bad. If I need some chicken livers up in here. On the Venice Boardwalk. That's right. On the Venice Boardwalk. And listen, we get a lot of patients asking, oh, I'm going to be a chicken liver. Oh, I'm going to be a chicken liver. Oh, I'm going to be a chicken liver. Oh, I take them odds, you know. Not bad. If I need some chicken livers up in here. On the Venice Boardwalk.

On the Venice Boardwalk. And listen, we get a lot of patients asking, hey doctor, you know, for anesthesia, can I get some marijuana? And they say, me don't do that here. This is a serious surgery clinic. What do you use for anesthesia then? Marijuana, but only because.

They want it so bad. Yes, they want it so bad and you know, anesthesia very expensive, and getting the surgery clinic off the ground. Yeah, I mean, I've had some nappy dugout that has just taken me right into the couch. No doubt, brother, no doubt. Nappy dugout, what's the, if you could describe

the vibe of nappy dugout, Scott, what would you say? I don't know, I'm not a user. I don't know why I'm trying to sound cool. Wow. This fucking guy. Hey, you're not even a weed doctor. Well, yeah, but cool recognized cool, you know what I mean? I'm not seeing much.

Well guys, welcome to the CBB Roundtable. Are we at, we're equidistant from each other, it seems like, we're at. It's a perfect circle. Yeah, I'm at 12 o'clock obviously, and John, you're at, I would estimate this at three. Three p.m. Yeah.

And I would say for me, I'm if a watch had a smaller watch on the inside and I'm sort of that second watch. There's a circle and then I'm sort of on the outside of the circle. That's right. It's a scuba diving watch. A scuba diving watch.

You know what scuba is? Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus? Of course. Did you have that back in the- I've been here for a week. Oh, okay. So you got immediately one of the first things you saw. Really got around.

Was that just mind blowing to you? I would imagine like- To go on to water? We had water in the 1880s, Scott. Not the existence of water. I mean, the self-contained underwater breathing apparatus part of it. Sure.

Yeah. Well, see, I think, so again, I'm so sorry about all the death. It's really sad. No problem. But a lot of it was me sort of trying to figure things out, right? A lot like a doctor, I sort of was poking around and they're going, how does that work?

So I think given two more years, I could have figured that out myself. Sure, yeah, so how many more deaths would that have been though? Cause you were on a clip, you were like one a week at a certain point. Sure, I mean mean two out of three, I'd say. Listen, we don't really do numbers or percentages, but it sounds pretty good.

Ballpark, two out of three maybe. Ain't bad. Another hundred people dead. I don't know if that's worth it in order to, you know, get your mental state in the right place. How did you kill people, Jack? Me? Right.

Oh wow. Cause you're the only person who's killed some, I mean, John Lennon, you haven't killed anyone, have you? I was killed. You were? That's right. Yeah, you were on the other end of the- And it's not good, so I don't want to do it to other people.

Yeah, exactly. You have to learn from the experiences. Would you say that a surgery that ends in death is killing someone? Unintentional. Not if you had the right intentions. It might be malpractice. It might be- Great.

You're the only one that's killed someone. No, I'm a doctor, I decided. You're a doctor. I think I'm a doctor. What is a doctor? Medical professional, I think a degree makes a doctor. I have a degree. In what?

Penmanship. I don't think that particular degree would help you in terms of being a doctor, but- Why not? Simply because of the rules of doctors, you know? I see. You need a doctorate, I would imagine. Well, I do have a doctorate.

You do, in what? City planning. Specializing in alleys. Wait, you created all the alleys that you killed people in? Yes. This fucking guy. We didn't know that. We didn't know that.

Do you honestly wanna know how this all started? How did it start? I was trying to petition the city for how unsafe our alleyways were. And I said, we need more safety measures in place. And they said, we think the alleys are fine. And I said, oh really? You think the alleys are fine?

And so I started killing a couple of people in the alleys and I got a taste for blood. Okay, so this just purely was trying to get some safety measures in there, but after two, you got the taste for it. And then how long did that taste? Because how many victims did you have? What day is it today?

It's a Monday. So then Sunday was when it subsided. Oh, okay, good. Okay, so you're not gonna, I mean, this episode's not gonna end with you killing us, is it? Couldn't. Probably couldn't, I'm gonna subside and I can stay. Oh, okay, good. Okay, so you're not gonna, I mean, this episode's not gonna end with you killing us, is it? Couldn't.

Probably couldn't, I'm too quick. How fast can you run, John? Miles per hour kilometers. Let me, give me miles. Okay, 25. 25 miles an hour. That's right, on my best day. On your best day, pretty fast.

That's not too bad. How long can you keep that up? Oh, a few, probably five seconds. Five seconds, and then how- Top speed. If that's your top speed, then what do you go down to? Zero, I stop right away. Well guys, the round table has started officially,

but we do need to take a break before we get into our topics of the day, if that's all right, so. Bit of a smoke break. Yeah, I guess, yeah. You're gonna bring stuff down from your car and all the way to the- No, I don't. So, uh. Bit of a smoke break. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, you're gonna bring stuff down from your car. No, I don't do that, Scott. Okay, you don't do it.

You don't smoke weed at all. Why do you have it in your car? For the last time, I don't do that. Here you go, Jack. Oh, thank you. Wait a minute, how did you kill people, Jack? That's what I wanted to know. How did I kill people?

Right, what's the ripper part? Love. Love? You love to kill people. Yeah, I love to kill people. Yeah, I love to kill people, so I just, I loved it with a knife. I loved knives.

With a knife, yeah. You don't have any knives on you right now. Me? No, let me just put this gun and this knife on the table and we're gonna leave it there so that way you can see it. In the middle of it, so any of us can grab it. In the middle of the table. This is what the round table's all about.

So we all feel comfortable. I'll put, how about this? I'll put all of my weapons on the table, okay? How many weapons do you have? Well, I have the gun, naturally. A knife for safety. Brass knuckles. Oh, why are you carrying brass knuckles?

Two pairs, one for each hand. Not gonna have just one hand of brass knuckles. Although if you lead with you right, yeah. Looks harmless. Fall over. Okay. Does the glove not look harmless? It looks harmless, but what?

Then put it on. Kidding, I don't do that anymore. It's made of poison. The glove is made of poison. Correct. Like that's hardened? Move it into the fibers. Oh, okay.

Have you read Harry Potter? Look, I'm embarrassed to say yes. There's a necklace that kills people in that, and I was very inspired, and so I made this. In the last week? In the last week. I read all of the, I think I got to the fifth Harry Potter book.

The fifth, wow. But I stopped when I read about the necklace,. I read all of them. I think I got to the fifth Harry Potter book. The fifth, wow. But I stopped when I read about the necklace and I said, now this is fun. Okay, you didn't stop when you heard about that notorious turf who wrote them? Who? Nevermind. All right, we do need to take a break.

When we come back, we'll have our first topic. This is the second edition of the CBB Roundtable. This is very exciting. You guys pumped for this? Yes. Yes. Brrrr. Okay, we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang Roundtable after this! Bum-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Yes, your catchphrase. I forgot to mention this is the world's first DingLess podcast. I heard about this.

Yeah, yeah. So what's that mean? We've perfected this technology. Usually because everything's going through the computer, a lot of times I would get a text and we'd hear dings. And that was, honestly, that was 2023. It was just filled with dings. And then we perfected the technology

to be the world's first DingLess podcast. Who worked on that with you? I believe, who's that guy who does all the pretzels in Germany? August Lint. Schneider? Schneiderberg Pretzel Company. That's right. Yeah, August Lint helped me out with this.

Oh good, he's one of the best. Quetzel. No, not Quetzel. Auntie Annie. These are all great pretzels, nothing against them. But Wise, I mean Wise makes a good chip too. They make a good pretzel. Of course.

The Dodgers. Oh, I've never had a pretzel at the Dodger Stadium. Do they make them? The actual Dodgers? I'm talking about the people that were jumping out of the way of street cars in Brooklyn. Like the Archville Dodger back in your time. Yes.

Did you ever kill one of the people in Oliver? Can't say, yes. Bill Sykes, all the others. Who is that? Never mind. Bill Sykes? Bill Sykes. What does that mean? He sort of organized the urchins, didn't he? Yeah. What were they called? The character? Oliver's pals. Oliver's pals. Oliver and company, of course. Right, right. Yes.

Jack the Ripper is here. Oh, hello, Scout, how are you? Do you have a catchphrase yet? Me? Yeah, because his is drums. Okay, can I workshop a few? Yeah, what do you got? Oops, they're dead. That's one.

Yeah, I mean, the whole oops thing worked for Britney's, but. Okay, let's think of this. Hello, I am Jack the Ripper. That's less of a catchphrase than it is an introduction. I love death, but I love being on podcasts more. Not bad. That's pretty good. Honestly.

Okay, I'll sprinkle that in. We'll see how that works. We'll see how it works. Also Dr. Green is here. Pina colada. Is that your catchphrase? Well, you know, maybe for today. Oh, that's just lovely.

Can I take that too? Of course. Pina colada. You gotta get that tilde above the end. Pina colada. There you are, yeah. I know you're not used to it, being from England. Sure.

With such an obvious English accent. Can I tell you a secret? Yes, please. I'm not from England. Where are you from? Scotland. Oh, okay, you'd love it there. That's why I'm so crazy.

I bet that's why they couldn't catch you. Cause you would just go back to Scotland every time you, but they have the whole Scotland yard after you. Sure. Well, and I kept sending very obvious letters. Like I said, I got bored. Yeah. So I said, think, can't find me in England?

Think about Scotland. I love death, but I love podcasts more. Not bad. Not bad at all. Well, guys, it is the CBB Roundtable where we talk about the issues of the day. And something has come up recently. There's been a lot of chatter with this. And I wanted this to be the first topic here on the CBB Roundtable.

Oh, bully. And that is, of course, and this may surprise you, Jack the Ripper, because you've only been around about a week, it sounds like, but there has been talk and sightings and video and congressional hearings about this topic, but extraterrestrial life on other planets. What do these guys look like? I just want, first of all, I thought you were gonna say Sasquatches.

No, we can talk about these. No we cannot. I can't. You can't really? Have you ever seen one? No, and I hope I never do. Yeah. And I thought you were going to say Jesus Christ.

I mean. Not ready to meet him yet. Obviously. So when you were dead, you never went up there? No, no, no, no, no. I get it. I flashed. Oh, I see.

I said, I don't want to die. And then I flashed here. Oh, okay. You flash it, I flashed. Oh, I see. I said, I don't want to die. And then I flashed here. Oh, okay. You flashed forward. That happens. It was like teleportation? Sure. But what do these guys look like? Obviously it exists.

Extra ETs. We sometimes shorten it too, you know? Right. What do these guys look like? They got big noses? What are they? To me, Scott, an extraterrestrial is like, they look like a white women on vacation.

Do you know what I mean? Meaning they have braids? Exactly, they all got the predator braids, you know. I call those the Boderics. You call them the predator? Both are good, yeah. But listen, where I'm from, we get a lot of white women visiting.

And we call them, oh, look, there goes another extraterrestrial, not a alien. Right, okay, so they're pale, but maybe their skin is red now because they got too much sun the first day. Exactly, they got bikini lines. So do you see, in your mind,

these ETs are wearing bikinis on their home planet? Listen, this is what I'm seeing in my mind, you know? E.T. bikini. Yeah. Now that sounds like a punk rock band. A surf rock band. Yeah. I would go see them.

I would see them too. E.T. tiny bikini. Now, Jack the Ripper, were people talking about aliens back in your day? This is the first I'm hearing about it. First you're hearing, okay, so what we're talking about is, you know, all the human beings here on Earth. We're talking about life forms and more,

I would imagine they're humanoid or at least sentient life forms. You can't call plants. Like if you ever- The Welsh. Ah, I wouldn't say that, but if like you ever find like a flower on Mars or whatever, that's not thinking. So it's like- It's smoked from Mars.

All right. I thought you didn't do that. Don't do that. Okay. I remember you, Dr. Green. I've been down on the boardwalk. We did hang out one time. We hung out once.

I, yeah, I've been to your clinic. It's a beautiful place. And the alien thing is so appropriate. You had that big poster that says, take me to your dealer. It's an alien. He's got cash in his hand. He also had a joint in his hand. So I don't know. It's funny because the D and the L are transposed. Right.

Yeah. I love that. Listen, whatever you got to do to get people in the door, okay. We have a serious problem with medics in this country, okay. People don't have health insurance. You know, the cost of surgery very high. So we do what we got to do to get people in the door. Why did you wink when you said high?

Me didn't do that. What are you talking about? So you get, this is a bait and switch at your company. You get a lot of people in the door. You get a lot of people in the door. You get a lot of people in the door. You get a lot of people in the door. You get a lot of people in the door.

You get a lot of people in the door. You get a lot of people in the door. You get a lot of people in the door. You get a lot of people in the door. You get a lot of people in the door. You get a lot of people in the door. You get a lot of people in the door. You get a lot of people in the door. very high, so we do what we gotta do to get people into there. Why did you wink when you said high? Me didn't do that. What are you talking about? So you get, this is a bait and switch at your clinic. It's a bit of a, sometimes you gotta give people a little bit of a, you know, sugar

with the medicine. Sure. So you get them in there thinking they're getting marijuana and instead you put a pig splatter inside them. Bring a surgery on them, because they need it. Are you suggesting these surgeries or they want the surgery? I can tell what surgery anybody needs just by looking at them. Okay, do me.

I'll do you. You need the colon of a rat. Wow, I'll take it. Do me. You, John Lennon, you need a cow's nipple. That's true. Just one? Just a single.

Scott, you want to know? Yeah, I want to know. You Just one? Just a single. Yeah, I went down on a scapegoat. Scott, you wanna know? Yeah, I wanna know. You need the eyes of a goat. Okay. Do they see? Now you're not talking about LeBron James, are you? Yeah.

Or LL Cool J who coined that phrase. Oh. That term, rather. I didn't know that. LL? Greatest of all time. Well, he also coined LL, but it didn't really take off. Ladies love anything else.

I heard the LL Bean company. Yeah, before love Bean. They were talking about Mr. Bean. Ladies love Bean. Where do you get the animals? Well, mostly we impart them from Jamaica. Scott, I'm really seeing it right now. You look so good with the horizontal pupil. Yeah. I want this. I got to go down to Venice. Come on down, brother. I I'm gonna give you discount codes. So are you looking for additional doctors?

Interesting. If you, let me- You wanna expand your practice? Yeah. I've got a test for you, Jack the Ripper. Sure. You look at me and you tell me what surgery we need. Oh.

You answer right, I'm gonna hire you on the spot. Guts on the ground, back alley, dead of night. The police come knocking, I've given them all the clues to let them know where I am and yet they still cannot impart it. Pigs, all of them in their blonde shell fill the streets. Me like the pig part. Yeah, the pig, I mean, yeah, your eyes.

That's working for me. Yeah, you brightened up and everything after that is. It's a little confusing. Me think about it. Okay, well, hey, that's all I'm asking. That's all we're asking. All right, now back to these ETs. Jack the Ripper, we're talking about people from the heavens

coming down here in their flying saucers and stuff. What are these guys look like? I see. Well, I would have to imagine that when I was close to death, they would look sort of similar to my visions. What were your visions when you were close to death? Those, the spirits of all of those who I have wronged. Oh, I see.

Does that include people you haven't killed? Just people like you cut off in traffic with your coaxeless hair? Oh, sure. Well, the people I've killed, honestly, I feel like maybe I did them a favor. I'm talking about the barista who was getting my coffee.

This is this week? She was so mean to me. She kept going, oat milk. And I said, what is that? And she kept going, it's milk from oats. I go, milk from oats? I was holding up the line. So you're talking about the people you were holding up the line about,

not the barista. No, no, no. The barista I would never see again. It was a, yes, the, the stairs of all of the people behind me. Who didn't get their coffee like 30 seconds sooner. Correct. It's a very fancy coffee shop. Right.

Okay. So you, you see, uh, extraterrestrials is looking like these people behind you in line for coffee? Yes. Angry. And maybe green. So these people were green behind you? No, but I'm thinking maybe it'd be fun if they were green.

It would be fun. It would be fun if ETs were green, right? I mean, it's different than us. We're like, you know, various colors all across this globe. Sure. Maybe they have various greens. Yeah. Maybe.

Green is the best color. Now what do you, just because your last name is green. That's it, no other reason. No other reason, but I get that. It'd be weird if aliens were racist against each other. You know what I mean? It's like, and we're looking at them going, you're all just different shades of green.

Like we think they're crazy, but that's how they would view us. Right, isn't that true? They probably see what we do and go, what the hell? They drive their cars through the restaurant and pick up the food at the window? What the hell? You think ETs are flying their flying saucers

to the restaurant, getting out and going in? Look, I've been on this planet a little bit, okay? Sure. And I've learned things and met people, but one thing I can't get straight is the drive-through. Yeah. What the hell? I'm walking through there.

I will go the opposite way. You can't, I brought my bike in the store. They didn't want that. They wouldn't let me go through the thing either. Car culture is the thing here in the United States. It's a habit that we definitely should break. This is another topic, the environment. I mean, Dr. Green, you have to have an opinion on this.

Well, of course, Scott, me only eat organic. Me drive electric car. me believe in the environment in me bones. You believe in it, so it exists. I believe that the environment exists and I believe that we are all a part of this big blue marble. Bold stance. Thank you.

Now that's interesting. Thank you. I'm one of them. And I stand behind it. Wow, all right. I'm one of these guys who says- Look, I mean, things get a little heated here on the round table. This is what happens.

People take these hot takes. I believe we must all eat food and drink water to survive. Wow. All right, Dr. Green. Now, John Lennon, you were gonna say something? I was gonna say something that I forget now, but he's right about the food. You ever been out on the street,

the sun beating down on you, and you haven't had lunch yet. Yeah, you fall right over Yeah, everyone anyone you see on the street who fell over just give them something to eat sure yeah It'll help you either blood sugar up anyway. I saw an alien once oh, I thought so tell me I was in What you ever been to Jackson Hole, Wyoming? Jackson Hole, Wyoming no Sure, my favorite place to go. You've been there before? Jackson Hole, Wyoming? No, no, back in the 1800s. You would come over from England? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boy, that's a big trip to make. Well, I'm from Scotland by way of Jackson, Wyoming. Oh, that's where you were born or? Well, that's where I was from, I would say. And so then you moved to Scotland and started killing people? No, I moved to Scotland and then I became a city planner after getting my degree here. Yes, I deleted some of the details.

Well, don't do that. But I'm still right in terms of chronologically I was correct. Sure, but your verbiage was incorrect and I will call it out every single time because I hate death, but I love podcasts. There it is. I love that. Tell us about this. So I'm sitting in a diner, you know, it's one of these lumberjack diners. Sure, I've seen diners drive in some dives.

It was a little like that. It was the first one of those. The first episode? In the list. Oh, okay, right. Oh, got it. So I'm sitting there and I've got a stack of pancakes that's gotta be, you know, from the size,

from my belly button to my chin. Are these thick pancakes? And there are only a few of them? There are thick, there was three of them. Buttermilk, blueberry, what are we talking about? I got one of each. Buttermilk, blueberry, and sausage. They put sausage right there.

In the pancake? In the pancake, I couldn't believe it. This sounds good. It was terrible, that one was terrible. Oh, okay, this sounds bad. I put that on a separate plate. Oh, also behind me was this guy, gray guy, had big huge head, giant eyes.

Giant eyes. And I'll get to him in just a minute, but this one pancake, I just couldn't, it was tough to cut into. You don't know when you put a sausage in a pancake. The sausage one was? Very difficult. Well, you would need a knife. Yes, I would.

To cut into anything, really. Sure, and I had one, so I would. Jack, your eyes lit up when I said you would need a knife. Well, no. I mean, the knife's on the table and I simply won't touch it. It's just gonna sort of sit there. All right. Sit there in the middle, we'll all know it's there.

You're kind of lightly caressing the gun. Huh? I'm just petting it. I don't want it to get lonely. When did you get into guns? It gets so cold. Huh? When did you get into guns?

It's a revolver. Sure. Hey, revolver, your eyes lit up when she said revolver. I'm outta here. You don't like the album revolver? Oh, I thought you meant the thing that shot me. Oh, okay. No, Revolver, I love that album. Isn't that ironic that you name your record Revolver the ultimate irony? You're shot by one. I should have named that record Feather. Sure. I don't mind

Mark David Chapman throwing feathers at me on the streets of New York City. Tickling me too, I love that. You love to be tickled. I love to laugh, I love to be tickled. Wow. But I won't tickle anyone else. If you see John Lennon on the street with his big round glasses, tickle him. Tickle me and pickle me. Give me a tickle and hand me a pickle. Sure.

And be on your merry way. That's the perfect fan interaction. That would, if I ever met- You get tickled by them and then they give you a pickle and then goodbye. If I ever met my hero, I would definitely do that. Who's your hero? Albert Brooks.

Oh, I bet you could meet him. Maybe, but I'd be so nervous around him. I'm like, God, your boobies are great. Anyway, so tell us about this alien. What happened? Oh, right, so I get through the regular pancake, buttermilk boom, done. Blueberry, done, gone.

I can't get through this sausage pancake. And I'm asking people to come over, can anyone jump in here and help me out? Sure. And this guy, the gray guy behind me, big eyes, he said, I could help, but it was in this language we couldn't understand. Was he wearing a bikini?

Yeah, he had a pretty, well, he had a bikini tan line. He was nude, that's the other thing. So we weren't looking at him very much. Yeah, I was trying to avert your eyes. Trying to get a good look at him. Cause I'm, you know, we're all polite there in the din thing. So we weren't looking at it very much. Yeah, I was trying to avert your eyes. Trying to get a good look at them. What? Because I'm, you know, we're all polite there in the diner. Sure. And he ended up, he took out some laser gun

or some laser sword or something and cut the thing up. With a, it was like a lightsaber? Have you ever seen those Star Wars movies? Kind of, I've seen Star Wars, I've seen every one of them. Oh, okay. So you know the lightsaber. I know Vader, I know Luke, Yoda, of course. Do you know Anakin?

Well, yeah, I've seen that one too. Yeah. Three of them. Do you know Qui- I know Luke, Yoda of course. Do you know Anakin? Well yeah, I've seen that one too. Yeah. Three of them. Do you know Qui-Gon-Gin? Of course. You can't, is that your favorite? Yeah, I love Qui-Gon-Gin. There were some Jamaican sounding aliens in Star Wars. Also some Asian ones too, they were all the bad guys. They were the bad guys. Jar Jar Binks is a distant cousin of mine. Really? Yep. So he is real. He's real, yeah. I knew that. Not in actor.

That's what I said when everyone was poo-pooing Jar Jar Binks, I said, well, come on, it's a real guy there. That's right. It's gonna be, you know, you can't make fun of somebody's culture. Right. Okay. Exactly, yeah.

Was Darth Maul a good guy or a bad guy? It depends on where you stand on how he felt about things. Oh, that's interesting. It's not a matter of perspective. Order in the universe? Sure. Thanos? You think if they made that character now,

they might call him Doth online shopping. Nobody's going to malls anymore. John, are you still working on your standup? A lot of it's locked in, you know? But I've got this one, I just need one ending joke. And I think that might do it. I don't know that that's it. You don't think, well.

Although I wish you would end your jokes. Okay, picture this. Okay. A huge auditorium of people. I say that joke and they're laughing. Okay, is it in between some of your incredible, famous songs and you playing those? This is sort of a thing,

I'll maybe open with a parody version of one of my songs. Oh, no. You gotta get back to what you one of my songs. Oh, I don't know. You gotta get back to what you're really good at. You know what I mean? I mean, look. Right, sleeping. Some would say, John Lennon, you're such a genie as you could excel at anything.

A genie? A genie. Are you a genie? I wish. That would be one of my wishes for the genie. Hey, can I be one of you? I just don't make me blue. That's the thing about genies.

What if they were all racist about the different shades of blue they all were? We're looking at them going like, you guys are crazy, but they're looking at us going, you do the same thing. And they see the Robin Williams genie and they go, that is not how we act. And then you see the Will Smith, by the way, the slapper around the world.

We gotta talk about that. Did you say that, please? Topical. Topical for the round table. That's right. I know it's maybe too hot for the round table. Because the thing about the round table, we like it cold.

We like these tables ice cold. That's a good, you may wanna say while we're on it, La La Land was robbed. Anyway. Anyway. So what happened to the alien Kimberley, cut your sausage pancake or what? He cut it up, used his little pen. It was more like getting back to the laser knife. It was just a little knife. Oh, okay. But it melted the whole counter. Oh. And he got in his spaceship and flew away. Okay, so he was driving his spaceship. All right. he was driving. That's what I pulled in. I was like, what the fuck is this thing? He parked.

He parked it. He parked it right in the, yeah, he parked it. Was he in the handicapped spot or? He was at the alien spot. Oh, okay. Handicapped alien spot. Jack, that's too much for you. It feels a little offensive for it to be a dual handicapped and alien spot. Well, they had regular spots, regular handicapped spots, alien spots, alien handicapped spots. Oh, well, I thought that was very thoughtful. Jackson, Wyoming, very welcoming place. Very progressive there.

All kinds. That's where Kanye West records all his albums now because it's a very welcoming place. Yeah, yeah. They'll take all comers. Well, guys, we need to take a break here. Can you believe it? I mean, we're just flying through the round table here. This is incredible. So many topics. Look at us. So many topics.

We've covered ETs, what do they look like? We covered the environment. You had a lot to say on that. That's right. Hashtag Oscar so white. That's right. But we need to take a break. When we come back, the round table continues.

The circular nature of a round table means it perhaps is without end. Even though this episode probably will end, but will the round table ever really end in your hearts? I don't know, but we're gonna find out when we come back. We're gonna take a break. When we come back, we'll have more John Lennon, more Jack the Ripper, more Dr. Green,

more CBB round table after this. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back with the Roundtable. Things are heating up on the Roundtable. This table, we froze it before you guys came in here. So it would be very cool to the touch. Well, that's what that is. I didn't understand why it was cold. Yeah, we knew the topics would be so hot.

We didn't want the table to light on fire or anything like that, so we've cooled it down. Putting my mattress away. Oh, really? Jack, you've put a few things up here during the break. Well, just a few. What is this? Oh, no, sorry, that's my gravity bun.

Oh, yeah, I was gonna say, you clunk people on the heads with it, but it's your guy. It's my, yeah. Is this your lunch that says, oh, Dr. McGreen, yeah, they go, OK, there's a lot of brownies in here with little green bits in it.

Just a brownie lunch for you? Just a brownie lunch for me, yeah. I got surgery later, so I'm just keeping it light. Keeping it light. There are 12 brownies there. They are individually wrapped with price tags on them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you pay yourself to eat brownie?

Listen, it's like, you know, if you have like an S-Corp and you're like your own employee, Scott, that's how I do it. Oh, okay, yeah. Now you're speaking my language. Tax forms. Finances. Yeah, wow.

Welcome back to the round table. Jack the Ripper also here. Hello, Scout. What have you put down on the table here during the break? A garrote. A garrote. Yeah, I just, it was way too heavy on my heart. I said, get that on the table.

I just want it all out in the open. Do you have any of the weapons the ninja turtles use? You got a scythe or? Yes, pizza. Cannot be? The weapon of friendship. Although I would imagine it hardened their arteries. Maybe they could have made it to the early 20s

teenage turtles, but unfortunately they're all dead. They're all dead. Cannon, wow. Yeah, is that cannon? That old rat flushed him, eh? All these movies they're making, these are all like, you know, previous adventures. Well, and then we have my mini cannon that's on there.

Oh, okay, your mini cannon. It was small. Yeah, that's very small. Very small. Small but fast. I like that laser knife that the ET. Don't even bring that up again. Do you think our table's so cold, the ET wouldn't be able to slice through like that laser knife that the ET. Don't even bring that up. Do you think our table's so cold,

the ET wouldn't be able to slice through with that laser knife? This thing melted the whole counter, so I don't know. Okay, yeah. They're using technology, Scott. Maybe they should have froze those tables before they. That's what I said. Look, that's what I said.

And when the thing melted, I said, hmm, who's crazy now? Right, okay. Well guys, we're back to the round table and it's time for another topic. And we gotta get to it. I mean, there's a lot going on in the world and we need maybe to solve some issues.

So what superpower would you have for life if you could have it? So you said we were coming on here to discuss the news of the day. Sure. And the question is, what superpower would we have if we could have one? That's right, this is a lot of people talking about it.

I didn't realize we were all on a first date with Scott Ackerman. Hey, what food would you eat for the rest of your life if you could? Burritos. Really, what kind of burrito? I mean, this is maybe too hot a take for the round table, but.

Me love food, me love breathing air, and me don't care who knows it. What type of air though? Is the air you like to breathe coming through a heat and a filtered cigarette, I'd say? Me love, uh. Take your time, take your time. It's all right, we have all the time in the world

on the round table. This is all gonna get edited out. All two mixed with THC and breathe out carbon dioxide. Is that clear? That's the formula. I like that. That is the hill I will die on. All right, wonderful. I've got to say though, I mean,

with Marvel movies being as big as they are, this is a very topical topic. It's very topical, I mean, it's on people's minds. They're all talking about it these days. I think about Spider-Man every other day. Really, what do you think about him? I just think how he does it. And if he's real and if I can ever meet him,

he'd be a guy I'd like to meet. Yeah, he was bitten by a radioactive spider, from what I can tell, and that's how he does it. Ah, yes. Yeah, you ever been bitten by anything, radioactive or otherwise? I've been bitten by them all, baby. Yeah? Right. Like what are we talking? A snake, a horse, I got a dog bite, I got cat bites. I got lizard bite. I got a

lizard bite on my toe that still won't go away. Really? Still won't go away? The lizard's still stuck on that toe. Oh no. My second toe. That's a oh I was wondering why one of your shoes is size 10 and one is size 20. That's a big, yeah, that's a big lizard. Yeah, oh my gosh. And then here's my fucking thing, I gave him shoes too. Oh no. You ever tried to dress a lizard?

You got to, these clothes are so specifically made, they're tiny. You want to match to your own outfit as well. Exactly, so I gotta get two of everything now. Oh my gosh. Pisses me off, but my favorite Spider-Man quality is he can zip around. He's what?

That he can zip around that's got to be. Zip around, yes, yes. With the webs. Just on the web. Yeah. I also have been bitten by a lot of animals. Anytime I'm taking the organs out of an animal, they usually bite me.

They're still alive when you're doing this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you gotta get it fresh, Scott. You can be putting dead, cold hearts, pig hearts in there. Okay, but why not kill the animal right before you take the heart out? Because we need the blood still flowing through it. Why? For science.

Oh, scientific purposes. I'd say freshness, you want it as fresh as possible. We have a lot in common. So, you know, I think so, yeah. Scott, this does feel like a first date, but maybe two of us. If you guys wanna go on a second, we'll pay for it. No, I'm ready, I'm ready.

You're ready for what? Singer-songwriter. Singer-songwriter. That is kind of a superpower in a lot of ways. I would be a singer-songwriter, do you wanna hear something I've been working on? Yeah, I'd love that. Imagine there's no sevens.

Sevens. It's easy if you try. I have- No spades below us. I have two pieces of bad news for you. Above us, a king and a jack. A king and a jack. Are you, you're talking about poker? Huh?

You're talking about like, I'm calling it the gambler. The cards that you wanna flip on the river? Do you like it? This is what, the turn? This song is called The Gambler, do you like it? Okay, here's some more bad news. There already is a famous song called The Gambler.

Yes, I just wrote it and you heard it. Don't steal it, scout. And there is a famous song called The Gambler. Yes, I just wrote it and you heard it. Don't steal it, Scout. And there is a song to that tune that John over here has written. No way. Called Imagine. I knew that I recognized that almost immediately. Yeah, almost immediately.

Well, give it to me. It's pretty, yeah, you take it. I'm not playing that thing anymore. Thank you. Yeah, famously sung by Gal Gadot. And I never got to, I- You think they would have hit you up for that? No, they did.

Were you around? We talked about this, I think. If the listeners heard this before, we're terribly sorry. She asked me to do it. And I did my part and I sent the whole thing in and I got cut out of it. You got cut out? Crazy stuff.

You're the guy who wrote the song. I know, but it was COVID and I was, I think I had COVID so I was coughing my butt. It sounded terrible. But still, maybe we could figure something out. Yeah. But she said, no, this has to come out today, today. If you watch that, we are the world documentary.

They fit Bob Dylan in there. That was funny. It was Joyce of a Beacon with Steven O'Rourke lives. And have his part done for him by Stevie Wonder. Is your super power impressions? It might be. Name anyone. I can do them.

Beautiful. Name anyone. Okay. John Lennon. All right, all right. That's an easy one. That's an easy one. Anyone can do it.

Wally Big One Wallace. Who is that? My friend. Your friend? Yes. Give me a little bit of him. Where are they from? He was from London and he was very, very big on the city planning committee.

Oi, Mike, look at all this city planning! Nailed it! Wow. Nailed it! Nailed it or nailed it? Oh, nailed it. Nailed it, perfect. What about Wala Shahn? Wala Shahn. Inconceivable!

That's pretty good. What about Chris Wallace, Biggie Smollett? I dare not. I'm not gonna get canceled on the round table of any episode. Fair enough. Okay, how about this? Me give you cultural permission. Give me someone white.

Give me someone white. Okay, what about it? Wait, I get cultural permission? Cultural permission. Just like when Kanye, when he would sing Gold Digger and he would give the permission to all the white people in the audience. I'm not falling for that shit.

Me went to that concert in high school. That is very real. Yeah, how did it feel? It felt awesome. Oh, okay. Me loved it. I don't know. The, okay. Me loved it. I don't know.

The writing was not on the wall. I think he should have gotten consent from every black person in the audience to give everyone permission. Okay, yeah, well. To make it a safe space for everyone, but. Me give you cultural permission to do me cousin Jar Jar Binks.

Jar Jar Binks? Here we go. Me so crazy! He says something like Me so crazy, right? He talks about- Me so horny! He says Me so horny. Oh, Me so horny! Jar Jar Binks, Steve Carell, and 40-year-old Virgin.

Basically the same thing. Yeah, basically the same thing. So guys, oh, Dr. Green, what about your superpower? What would you like? Oh, yeah, listen, me love to fly. So guys, oh, Dr. Green, what about your superpower? What would you add? Oh, yeah, listen, me love to fly. Yeah. Me love to fly so high. Tootling around, just like a.

Yeah, zoom, zoom, pa. Yeah, yeah. Toot about. Are you talking mentally? Huh? Pa. More spiritually, sort of like vibes-wise. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. You ever astral project? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You do? Now what does that mean? I've heard that. That's when your soul leaves your body and floats above it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You ever astral project? Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You do? Now what does that mean? I've heard that. That's when your soul leaves your body and floats above it. Oh, that's right.

I have the power to go to sleep. This is the same as those Insidious movies. I go to sleep, my spirit flies out of my body, and I can go anywhere in the world. Wow. And anytime in the time. What do you think of those Insidious movies? Me love them. I think they'reidious movies? Me love them.

I think they're insatiable. Me love them. I think they're fun. They're fun. Me like insidious. What do you think of- Jack, you think they're a romp. Oh, they're my favorite comedy. You ever see that malignant?

That's a superpower, having someone on your back, like a- Malignant? Yeah, like your conjoined twin on your back that controls your every move. I've never seen that, but me could get rid of that with surgery. Yeah, oh really? What would you put on instead?

Well, just the other day, we split two conjoined twins, and then we put two small chickens where the twins used to be. Where they used to be. So you split the twins both, and then you just took two chickens and put them together.

You used a chicken in a gaping hole. That's an upgrade, I think. Agreed. Because we didn't want them to be lonely, you know? They spent their whole lives attached to Agreed. You know what I mean? Because we didn't want him to be lonely, you know? Yes. To spend their whole lives attached to another person. What are you going to do?

Okay, so just to clarify this. You split the twins and then put two chickens together or you added a chicken to each twin? So me split the twins. Okay, we have the split the twins part. We split the twins. Me then took two chickens, fused them together. I see. Separately.

Separately. And then me put two chickens on the twins. I see. So four chickens total. Oh, okay. Four chickens, two people. Immutable law of the universe, if you undo one conjoined twin, you must create another. I see.

Wow, and did anyone pay you for this, or was this? That was during my residency, so it was paying to do that surgery. Okay, wow. And I'm so sorry to pry, I saw that you do have a John Hopkins student ID. You went to John Hopkins? Yeah, that's right,

that's where I did my surgery internships. Wow. Did you ever meet him? Did you meet John Hopkins? No, no, no, no. I think he's dead. Oh really? Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah. Did you do an impression of him? Hello, it's John Hopkins. Yeah. Did you do an impression of him? Hello, it's John Hopkinsy. Uncanny. Welcome to me school. And so John didn't just decide to be alive again? I mean, no, no, that he knew that was an option.

Oh, yeah, it's always an option. I bumped into him. Oh, you did? Down there and he said, I said, you know, you can come up. He said, I know, but I'm still, there's still work to be done down here. He had stacks of books. He was reading. Oh. He was, I know, but I'm still, there's still work to be done down here. He had stacks of books. He was reading. Oh.

He was on YouTube looking at a surgery clip. So John, I'm sorry to ask this cause it sounds like we had quite a different experience. Sure, sure. Oh, you flashed. I flashed. I was in a grave for four years reading. I see, reading.

Reading one book or multiple books? What the hell book was it? Where the Red Fern Grows was it? Oh, okay. I read some of that at least. Yeah. Kind of sad. It sounds like you retained any of it. No, I think that book is trash.

Yeah, so were you so tired of that book, you were like, I gotta get out of it. Right, it was kind of like, this book sucks kind of. Yeah, I gotta get another book. I gotta get another book. So did you think you were gonna get a book and then go back down? I would do that every once in a while.

Oh, I see. In the dead of night, I would sort of skitter about. Oh, that's fun. On Halloween, I figured Halloween, so I go out and get a big armful of books and come back. Have you read much Chekhov? Most. Oh, fun. And I can recite most of it as well. Have you read much J.K. Rowling? Harry Potter. The Boy Who Lived. The Boy Who Lived has come here to die. Yeah. My God, Voldemort. You remember, you remember that- Where do you stand on Voldemort by the way?

I hate him. You remember that book I was trying to write. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Larry Plata. Right. And I got an illegal stuff so I couldn't finish it. That's right, yeah. It was pretty much the same.

You could have finished it. I could have. You just couldn't have released it. If in my mind, if there's no way I can make money on it, I'm done. Is it, so you wrote all those songs, those wonderful songs for money? I was looking, I wanted a very comfortable lifestyle.

And you had one, I mean you were there at the Dakota? I had one, for a brief moment it was very uncomfortable. Yeah. Does it suck being dead, both of you? Dr. Green, you would know, or maybe have you ever clinically died or anything like that? No, no, not yet. Any patients on the table die and come back? But I think we established the beginning.

If you are the cause of medical malpractice, it's not murder. Right, that's what I'm saying. I mean, maybe not in a court of law, but. Then yes. I don't want to get into legal stuff about who you murdered and didn't murder. Fair enough. Yeah, you're well documented. Right. We do.

We'll stay away from it. Who're well documented. Right, we do. We'll stay away from it. Yeah. Who knows what happened, I'm sorry. Mm. Wow, and the conversation comes to a screech and halt. Well, I mean, you know, hey, this is what happens at the round table, you know? So true. Like sometimes we go down these blind alleys.

I know you just lit up when I said blind alleys. Well, I'm just excited. May I have a question for you, Scott? Yes. What's your question for you, Scott? Yes. What's your favorite surgery you've ever had? Gosh, wow. I've had so few in my life.

Do you count colonoscopies? Because they give you the good stuff for that. You get the propofol, you know, the Michael Jackson special. Sure. You come out of it just kind of going, hee hee. It feels so good. Now that's if I had to the feathered in me. That's what I'd be saying. Yeah, true. You come out of it just kind of going, hee hee. It feels so good. Now that's if I had to the feathered him,

that's what I'd be saying. Yeah, true. Mark David just tickled me. Wow, so did you ever pick a super power? No, I said I liked- We got flying and we got a singer songwriter. Singer songwriter. I would go, I would want mind control, just on Ringo,

and have him give me my damn guitar back. You could just ask him nicely. I've asked him a thousand times and he won't, he just, and I'm so nice. Do you think that it's, because originally you were thinking he was forgetting to give it back to you. I think he's just embarrassed now.

He's embarrassed that it's taken so long. Cause he hasn't been doing anything with it. Do you think he broke it, maybe? I didn't until now. Uh-oh. And I would love to get my mind jumping into his and know that. Yeah,oh. And I would love to get my mind jumping into his and snow that. Yeah.

Okay. All right. Well, we got to move on to our final topic here on the round table. You know what happens here. Please be pizza. Please be pizza. This is where it gets super hot and we're going to get quick takes here. Our final topic is, what do you think your lucky number is and why?

Ooh. Right. Right. Right. John, what do you think your lucky number is and why? Ooh. Right, right, right. John, what do we got? Lucky number? 69. It's worked for me in the past. Anytime I'm on a- I saw that Rolling Stone cover of you and Yoko.

Come on. Her head actually was next to your head, but I can only imagine what happened in between clicks of the shutter. There was one moment, there's one picture, we never released it, but we were in that position. I said, oh, hold on, let me just get my wallet was on the bed. Let me get my wallet out of the way. So I bent down, it was by my feet. And for that instant we were in a 69 position. Oh wow.

And I said, this I got to remember. And so did you ever get into one of those ever since then or? A 69 position? Well, I'll tell you what I did. In my basketball league, my summer basketball league, I entered 69 jersey. well, I'll tell you what I did. In my basketball league, my summer basketball league, I ended 69 jersey. Okay, hey, there you go. Hey, pass it to 69, you know something's gonna happen. Yeah, all right.

For me, Scott, I go next. Dr. Green, sure. Yeah, for me, my lucky numbers are the date that I graduated from John Hopkins Medical School. Let me guess, was this April 20th? Yes, how did you know? I just had a feeling. Wow, it was a wonderful day.

I got my degree, my diploma, I started my practice. I feel very proud of that. Is that why you have the full back tattoos at 420 and then that same alien from the poster. Exactly right, take me to your dealer. It's great, who did that for you? That must have been- Banksy.

Banksy does tattoos as well? Yeah, down on the birdwalk. Wow. Come on down. All right. And Jack the Ripper. What a lucky number. Easy.

8675309. It's an important part of my new song that I've written. Oh, okay. So it's an important part of it? It's a very important part of the song. So you're talking about the number 8,670,309. Anyway, I can't parse this out, but you wrote a song. I'd love to hear some of this song.

Okay, are you ready? Yeah, here we go. I wish that I had 8, six, seven, five, three, oh, nines cards. I wish that I had eight, six, seven, three, oh, nines cards. Honey, honey, you what can I say? Deal me in. Come on, baby. This is another poker song.

That's not bad. Do you play online poker or something? I'm in so much dead scout. Oh, no. I'm in so much trouble. Are you bad do you play online poker or something? What? I'm in so much dead scout. Oh no. I'm in so much trouble. Are you bad at gambling? No, I'm very bad at gambling. Well, here's the thing.

I thought maybe I could become a singer songwriter. I could get some tips or something like that. It's hard living in this modern age. It used to be that you could go on the city council, kill a couple of people, get run out of town, go live off of your family's money, move back to your hometown in Wyoming, stay out on the estate for a few years,

come back to London under a new name. Maybe it's a little bit thinner this time, I don't know. Maybe people don't recognize you, so you start your life over again, but it's boring because you've got a taste for blood. What was that? The name is thinner or you're thinner? A little bit of both.

You're eating less because you can't get the thrills anymore that you used to get, right? Right, right. You were sitting in town just sort of wandering about the streets one night and you thought, maybe I can just kill one more person. Maybe that's okay. And I'm looking around at all of you and I'm thinking,

do we need three people at this table? I mean, there's four of us. But- Is there? You're asking if we need one less if we wanna get the full. Do we need three extra people at this table right now? These are the kind of thoughts that start running through your head after you haven't killed for a while. It's not the CBB triangle table.

So maybe you just pick up this sword that's on the table. Oh my God, where did that sword come from? My boot scout. That's like a ninja, that's like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle sword. That's a katana blade. Yeah, that's a katana. And the next way you look at the revolver and you think, oh, what a beautiful, simple little instrument. What if I just picked it up?

And what if I pointed it at you? All of that is fine as long as you don't pull that trigger. And what if I pointed it at you? And what if I pointed it at you? Fine by me. Fine by me. As long as I'm glad you're not doing any of this stuff. Yeah. Talking about what would. What would do it. I'm just saying what if. Yeah. What if. Maybe the gambling wouldn't matter. Imagine. Yeah.

There's a lot to process here. A lot to suss through. Yeah. I'm just thinking about it. That's it. Yeah, but that's what happens at the round table is like, we lay bare everything that's going on in these heads. I don't think you can say that's what happens

at the round table if the round table has only happened twice. I mean, look, the common thread between these two round tables is that's what happens on these round tables. Watch what happens next here at the round table. That's right. We get- That's good. Write that down. Yeah. Already done. We get into our innermost thoughts, our secrets, and we just lay them out there on the round table and that's what happened, guys. I mean, this was a success as far as I'm

concerned. Did any of us tell a secret? I mean, we talked about the superpower thing. We talked about what extraterrestrials look like. I've never told anyone about that superpower, yeah. Yeah, you've never mentioned that, right? No, that's a secret to me. Have you ever told that story about the ET slashing the table up? I wrote a piece. I wrote a piece for the New Yorker.

Oh, congratulations. Did they ever publish it? No, they didn't like it. They have too many grammar errors, but I was like, okay, fine, but the story is there. Well, that's what the editor's for, isn't it? Jack, you sound like me three months ago. Okay, look at us. This is fun.

And I have never publicly shared that I am related to Jar Jar Binks before. See? Because I know he going coming down to my door asking for money, that motherfucker. Is he broke? You know he broke. I haven't been in a movie in 25 years, Scott.

Yeah. Well you wouldn't think they got the cons. Jesus. That will be 25 years old. Think so, 97, yeah, no, it was more than that, it was 27 years ago. Although I guess he was in... He had a small part in Attack of the Clones.

That's right. He became a senator. Is that an animated joint? No, no, that was the last one. Oh no, you gotta catch up on the Star Wars movie. But this is what I'm saying, he has to have been in the animated things. Was he not invited back to the voice? He was in Clone Wars.

I don't know. He was, yes. I'm not a child yet. He had several terrible episodes, yeah. No, Dr. Green, you only watched the canon movies. That's right, I'm only watched big franchise pieces. Yeah. Because those are the best to be high for.

I feel like I don't wanna blow up your spot or anything, because you're wearing a large Steven Universe sweatshirt under your doctor coat. Yeah, what is going on with that? It was gifted to me. That doesn't tie into the whole pot thing. Not really. I don't know, the Steven Universe's eyes of bloodshot.

Oh, okay, it's like a bootleg? It says, Steven, I can see the whole universe. Okay, now I see. All right, now that you're turning towards me, you've had your back to us this entire round table. I meant to say something about it. Stephen has a couple of blunts in his mouth too. That's not what the round table's all about.

Someone sitting with their back to us. And a chicken on his back? Yeah. Listen, when in Boardwalk. Do as the Boardwalks do. In your Calara, when in Birdwalk. Is Boardwalk Empire still on? Oh man, I haven't checked.

I hope it is. Is Empire still on? I think so. God. I can get those DVDs too. Can you believe anyone was tricked into watching those? Well, anyway, we don't have time for that topic. That's too hot for the roundtable.

We are running out of time, guys. Unfortunately, we only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is a little something called Plugs. Oh, all right. That was Maestro's Monster Says Time for Plugs by Maestro's Monster. Thanks to Maestro's Monster says time for plugs by Maestro's Monster. Thanks to Maestro's Monster for that plugs theme. And what do we plug in? John, do you have anything to plug here? I want, you know what I want everyone to go see at Mike Hanford on all the social media and the sloppy boys social media. Check us out there. Yeah, why not? And Jack the Ripper, you got anything to plug here?

Hmm. Do I have anything to plug? Plug, plug. It's the time and you warned me it was coming and now we're sitting here. Yeah. Here's what I'd like to plug. Here's my plug. Are you ready? I'm ready. Here we go.

Get us with it. I'm not, I'm not. Okay. I'd love to plug my new album. Oh, okay. Great. If that's all right. What's it called, if you don't mind?

Poker Face. Poker Face. Poker Face. This is another, this is a poker themed album, I'm guessing. It will, there's cards involved in it, it sort of does a lot for metaphor and it does a lot for simile. You can also call it the river. Huh?

What does that mean? It's a poker term. Oh God, no wonder I'm in the hole. You should get a Courtney Love to come by. Oh wow. Dr. Green, what do you want to plug? I would like to plug my business, Dr. Green's surgery emporium, down under Venice Bardwock, come on down.

We've got a two-for-one special right now. We'll put any animal inside any human being for half the price. So a full animal inside a human being? Does Richard Gere ever go by? You know what I mean? Those rumors would never qualify as facts. I don't know what I'm trying to say, but those were rumors. Any animal inside any human being. So I could say I want a tiny little bird inside of Angelina Jolien. You could figure it out. That's right. We do have a witch doctor on stuff to make those

kind of stranger requests possible. Okay. Who's the witch doctor? Someone related to you or? Jar Jar Binks. Oh, okay. Now let's say I come in and say, you know, I want a baby pig in me. You're not gonna just put down like a plate of bacon and the jokes on me. No, no, no.

And then you have to eat it in under five minutes. Or your surgery you have to pay for. Or else I have to perform a surgery. Yeah, you're not doing any of these kind of, I've heard about these shady deals on the boardwalk. This is a serious surgery clinic. We'll just give you like 30, 40 ounces of weed and then put a baby pig inside you, your one filleting,

but you will have a nice little tail when you wake up in the morning. All right. Well, what do I want to plug? Look, head over to CBBworld.com. We have so many great shows over there. We got College Town and The Neighborhood Listen and CBB Presents and Scott Hasn't Seen

and so many things going on, CBB FM. We also have the Comedy Bang Bang Tour all summer. Come out and see Paul F. Tompkins and myself and the CBB All Stars. We'll be traveling around the globe. And very exciting. You can get all of the dates and tickets are, they're probably sold out in a lot of places, but you can, I bet they're still available for some places.

You can get all of those at cbbworld.com slash tour. And those are all my plugs. Oh, of course I want to plug a comedy bang bang, the world's first ding list podcast. Alright, let's close up the old Plug Bag. Open up the Plug Bag. Plug Bag. The Plug Bag.

Plug Bag. Open up the Plug Bag. Plug Bag. The Plug Bag. The Plug Bag. The Plug Bag. What's in the Plug Bag? Open up the plug bag. Plug bag, the plug bag. Plug bag. Open up the plug bag.

Plug bag, the plug bag. Plug bag. Open up the plug bag. Plug bag, the plug bag. Open up the plug bag. Plug bag, the plug bag. Plug bag. Open the plug bag. All right, that was Close the Plug Bag by Ray Ban Freak Out by Scott Davidson. Oh no, it was Ray Ban Freak Out by Scott Davidson.

That was just under the heading of Close the Plug Bag. Thanks to Scott Davidson so much for Ray Ban Freak Out. If you have a plugs theme opening or closing, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and you can be famous for a week. And Scott, baby, you are famous for a week as well as Maestro's Monster. Am I allowed to submit? Yeah, please, yeah.

Is it gonna be poker related? You don't know that for a fact and you're not allowed to say that. What are the poker terms you know? What are the poker terms you know? Got it. Blinds, double blinds? What are you saying?

NT. How about this, how abouts? What are you saying? NT. How about this, how about this? Oh no, that's my favorite poker term. That's what you say when you lose? Yes. Jack, I mean, how'd you get into poker? Don't call me Jack, call me Jack the Ripper. Sorry.

Jack the Ripper, how'd you get into poker? Me? Yeah, I just said Jack the Ripper. I know you get into poker? Me? Yeah, I just said Jack the Ripper! I know, online. Online! Online! Yeah. I was online and some guy said, here, come here, come to the alley.

And I said, me? And they said, yes. So in the last week, you've read five Harry Potter movies and become severely addicted to online poker. No, no, no, no, no. So here's what happened. I was online to get to, do you know the brand Super Dry? No.

What is that? It's a streetwear brand. I was in line. You were in the streetwear? That's cool. Have you not seen my outfit? Oh, that's, oh yeah. You're wearing like a tracksuit.

Yes, correct. And some guy said, come here. And I said, what? He said, come to the alley. And I said, alleys are dangerous. And he said, just come for one second. And then he taught me how to play Texas Hold'em in the alley.

I guess we could have gotten into the fact that, you know, they've legalized gambling with all this online betting stuff. And does that lead to societal ills? But look, I guess that's for another round table. I used to kill in the alley, now I'm getting killed in the alley, if you know what I mean.

Oh, okay now. That's a good idea. That's a good topic, Scott. That's a good topic, yeah. I wish we had gotten around to that. Oh, I like the ET one. No, the ET one was good. But if we just had more time, we could get into that. If only we had more time. But look, the round table has to end at a certain point. John,

I want to thank you so much for being here. Oh, this has been great. I love seeing you. We got to do that rafting trip you were talking about. Yeah, we got to do that. Fun! In a shape very similar to this circular round table. That's right. Yeah.

I never thought of it that way. The raft is very similar to that in a lot of ways. It's chill. Yeah, we got to do that. What level do you want to go? I want to do top level, but we got to, if we're doing that- Category five. We got to go to like, we'll do it in 2028.

We're not ready for that. We're not ready for that, yeah. We want class five. I'm a beginner. I've never even gotten into the water. I'm just learning what rafting is all about. Yeah, bath or otherwise. Oh, really?

Yeah. No, I won't do it. You look and smell great for someone who doesn't get in the water. Thanks so much. Yeah. You're welcome. And now one for me. Hey, John, you're one of my favorite songwriters. I love- Hey, come on. You're offending Jackie.

This is tough. Jack the Ripper. Thank you. Sorry, Jack the Ripper. Jack the Ripper, great to meet you. Hey, so lovely meeting you, Scow. Yeah, I mean, maybe you can come back sometime. Why are you, you're reaching towards the center of the table.

Well, I'm putting my things away. Oh, okay, I'm gonna ignore that. While I say, why did you say that? Huh? Oh, I wish that was a feather. Oh, you shot John Lennon. Oh, John, I'm sorry. I should have changed my superhero.

Oh my gosh. Dr. Green, I want to thank, I'll get back to you John, but Dr. Green, I want to thank you for being here. Of course. Do you want to attend to him? Yeah, yeah, we can take care of that. Oh thank God.

You put a turkey's neck where there's a gaping hole in your shoulder. Oh my God, look at that waddle. Oh, how fun is that? You now canonically have a turkey's head in your chest. It's a neck actually, it looks like you have two sets of balls, because honestly your your shorts are so short that I can see your other ones right now. How are you feeling? I'm feeling not bad man. I feel like I could eat a whole stack of sausage pancakes. Did you put pot in there too? Maybe. Oh, Dr. Green. Sorry, listen, me wanna leave it with the Scott.

Yes. Me believe that every single human being in the world has a God given right to close their eyes at night. Yes. And rest. Yes, if they're not working. If they're not working. Some people work the graveyard shift. So, and honestly, so that's a little offensive

towards them, so. Too hot for the round table. I'm sorry. Yeah. Don't cancel Dr. Green. This is what happens. It's a safe space supposedly that you should remain uncancellable for, but that was a little too hot for me. Honestly.

Take that to the square tables. We're not taking those kinds of things at the round table here. Guys, thank you so much. Success here. Should we thank you so much. Success here. Should we do another roundtable? Let's do it. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye.