Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Nick Kroll, Ike Barinholtz, Mitra Jouhari, Gil Ozeri

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

Returning champions Nick Kroll and Ike Barinholtz join Scott to talk about their new Hulu series/four night event History of the World Part II, Tulsa King, and Celebrity Jeopardy. Then, Andi stops by to talk about being an aspiring cosmetologist. Plus, the world’s busiest man Ned Belanela returns to take a couple of important calls.

Why is my wrist so itchy, is it in sephalitis or perhaps Lionel Richie? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Maestro Trombone. Maestro Trombone. Chef's kiss or a kiss from Ike? I am chef. Oh, are you a chef? It's both right there. Okay. It almost looked like you were smoking a dub as well. And then all of a sudden you kissed it. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. Thank you to Maestro Trombone for that catchphrase mission. Not going to stick, I don't believe. Welcome to the show. My name is Scott Ackerman. We have a great show coming up a little later. We have a cosmetologist and also the return of the busiest man alive. It'll be coming up a little later. But before we get to them,

let's turn to our guest in A Block. They are returning champions. They've been on the show for perhaps, one perhaps the entire time we've been doing it, the entire almost 14 years at this point since the Indy 103 one days. The other is a newer acquisition of ours from about 10 years ago. Actually, yeah, our second studio. We're now in our sixth and we're now in my house. They have a new television program. From what I'm told, it's a four night event. And it premieres today on Hulu. It's called History of the World Part Two. Please welcome back to the show Nick Kroll and Ike Barron-Holtz, applauding for himself. Interesting. My father said to me on his deathbed, he goes, always give yourself a plus. Really? You don't know. What did he die? He's actually

still alive. He's living in Los Angeles and is an actor for hire. Oh, that's right. I read this in a recent interview of yours. I read all your press, by the way. There was one that I read where you mentioned your father. It must have been a big publication or something. Well, it was, I can't remember what it was, but it was, it was father's, father's aficionado. So it's, it's not aficionados of father, of general fathers, people being aficionados of their own, their own fathers. And it's like, you know how like cigar aficionados like Sylvester Stallone with like a cigar and his big cigar fingers. Where you can't tell, do they have six fingers or is he for this one? I'm holding my father like a baby, like presenting

father's aficionados to Sylvester Stallone. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for that. That's, that's great. It's a good dad. You got me. Nick, if you've been watching Tulsa King by the way. Here's what I've been watching and I'm glad this has come up because it's truly the only thing I have any thoughts. Okay, great. What do you got? I have not watched the show, but I've driven down Beverly and we all live in Los Angeles. Tulsa King billboards very present. Are they really? Okay. They were for me. I have not noticed that, but I'm not in the algorithm of the real world. I was being sent a lot of Tulsa King content. And was it because you clicked on it or something and suddenly billboards were out there? Yeah, that's how everything works. So, but it Tulsa King for

those who don't know, it's on Paramount Plus and for those who don't know what Paramount Plus is. For the 99% of the world who has no idea. You can only get Paramount Plus if you have voted in a Republican prize. I created Yellowstone. Oh, that's right. Yes. Which by the way, now that I'm a father, the baby, I was not in the operating room or the delivery room. They call it the DR. It's confusing because there's these DRs, they're doctors, and then they have a DR of a delivery room. And then there's the operating room where the operators go when they're at the hospital. Right. And it's also OR operating room. You know, like, do you do the DR or the OR? I don't know. You know, it's just too confusing. The

hospitals are confusing as well. Are they? A little shout to the film called The Righteous Than A Boat. I got everything right. I got everything exactly right on that statement. But the minute the baby was born, Kulup said, Hey, she's here. And I said, I gotta watch Yellowstone. I'm a dad now. This is made for dads by dads. Yeah. By the way, Yellowstone, a Paramount Plus show that you can see on Peacock. Yes, I know. Have you watched Tulsa King? I have watched Tulsa King. Yes. I have not. But here's what I think Tulsa King is about. Yeah. So I read a description, but this is what I believe in. He gets to... So you have all the information. He gets to Tulsa, and he's like, Oh, Tulsa's not for me. Right. And then... So far, 100% correct. And then by the end

of season one, my gut, is he... Somebody becomes a king Tulsa in one man or other. Roundabout way. Yeah. Yeah. Either metaphorically or literally. Yeah. Because this is great. I'm gonna stay. And that's why in the billboard, he's got a hard copy plane ticket that he has lit on fire to light the car. Because he doesn't want to be there. Because he doesn't want to be there. No, but by the end, no. By the end... By the end, he's burning it for a different reason. He's not going anywhere. He didn't want to leave. This place is great. I'm burning my heart ticket. He doesn't want to leave so much, by the way, by the end of season one,

that he calls up his estranged daughter he hasn't talked to in 40 years since he's been in prison. And I'm assuming that's Andrea Savage, not his love interest, Andrew Savage. No, his love interest is Andrea Savage, who literally vomits after she learns how old he is. Andrea Savage was funny. Which I've never seen in a show before. Andrea was born the afternoon Rocky came out. Right. It's insane that they are... But he calls up his estranged daughter, has not spoken to her in 40 years, and she goes, Dad, you can't just call me after 40 years. By the next episode, she's like,

maybe I should move to Tulsa with you. Because Tulsa's so great. I gotta take the spin off. I love it. She's dead. In the pilot, I think it's the pilot, when he gets stoned. And he, all of a sudden, is like, then another thing, what's up with all these pronouns? Me, we, you. I just stood up and started saluting the screen. It was the joint he was smoking. Was it like a cigar? Was it a big fat? I know. It was like a little...

It was tinier than his finger. So it was a joint. That's how you can differentiate. Yes, exactly. Anyway, so Tulsa King is great. So Tulsa King is great. Anyway, Tulsa King. Pick them. And I have to mention that you are, of course, the Celebrity Jeopardy champion

for this year. Are you not? What is? Yes, I am. Yeah. Congratulations. Thank you. You winnowed the field from who are you up against in the first episode? I was in the first episode, I went up against Jalen Rose from the Fab Five. Fantastic commentator and Constance Wu.

That's right. Smoked him. Both of them? Both of them. Did you talk to Jalen Rose about anything? Just a little bit. I was a big fan of his my whole life. And he did turn to me after the first after the game and goes,

complete domination. In compliments to you? Compliments to me. It was very sweet. And then the second one was Bababa Simulu. Right. Yeah, from Shang Chi. Shang Chi. That's right. And he did really well, did he not?

He did very well. He was Andy Richter. That's right. We all know Andy was a former Jeopardy champ. And Andy was the sort of the favorite to take the whole thing. Then Simu just like... Simu snuck in there and then Eliza Splushing here and I beat them. And then in the finals, I went up against Will Wheaton and our good friend Patton.

And Patton was the name that early on when I saw the list of celebs. You're like, I don't want to go up against him. Don't want to fight Patton because he's really good at that stuff. And how, how did the, I didn't watch. How did the... I'm going to show you right now. Oh, can I ask, were you guys in character like was Patton ratatouille and Will Wheaton was stand by me?

Yes. And that is his character's name. And you were a nurse on Mindy? I was Morgan Chukers. I came out in scrubs. It was a great game. Will, Will, it became a two man game pretty quickly and it was going back. Between you and Will or Patton?

Oh, so Will just like... Will, Will started off a little hot. Will, Will got kicked off like he did on Star Trek TNG. I, Jordy Laforge, just asked. Look, can I ask you a question? And do you think Will, because like Will and Patton are sort of like branded as like, like nerd guys. Yeah.

You're branded as... As a dumb jock. Yes. Like... A dumb asshole. In real life, as I know you to be. And also, you know, on TV stuff. People were surprised.

People would be like, you? Really? No, but you're great. You did a millionaire as well, I remember. I did, yeah, it was worth to be a millionaire. And how, how far up did you get? I got a hundred and 50,000. 125,000 to 150,000, I remember.

Yeah, but you're, you're, you're very, you're very good. I like trivia. Shouldn't celebrities be allowed to do these? No, these for the, and get the money? Well, I mean, why is it always for fucking charity? Well, that's why you got to set up a 5-1 seat. I set up a 5-1 seat. You know, there's a way.

It's called Ike's Kids. It's literally my kids. So we can fly first class to go to Hawaii. It's different than 1-877 cars for kids, which are, is it weird? You know, it's a weird Orthodox Jewish, like charity. It is. You're looking for somebody.

You're searching the room for somebody to be named later. Maybe the busiest man in Judaism. I've been for cars for my kids. For my kids, yeah. 1-877, Ike's got kids. The funny thing is, Ike's not an Orthodox Jew. No, I'm. It's a weird thing also that Ike's Jewish.

Yeah. Because you think of him as a big dumbass, like an asshole. You think of him as a big dumb Christian asshole. And in fact, he's kind of an intellectual Jew. But true things. But it was very fun. I'm going to go back. I'm going to play the tournament of champions with the real.

With the real people. Do you think you have any chance? Zero. Zero chance. Because the questions are dumped down for the celebrities. Are they not? Because we have a part of our brain. We all know this as celebs,

where our brains are different than an immortal person. And we have this like. You think just a little bit different. Like, sometimes I watch you stuff. I'm like, was he high when he came up with this? The answer is yes. And I'll tell you what, whatever he's smoking, give me some. But celebrities have this part of their brain that we have to,

you know, learn lines and stand on a red carpet and stuff. And a normal person can. I actually am offer only and I refuse to learn lines. And I will only rip. So. You have a riff only. I'm maybe why I do not work. And I'm not in the history of the world.

Yeah. I'm red carpet offer only. So someone offers me a chance to go on a red carpet. I will. Okay. Someone offers me just a red carpet. I'll go. Sure.

Like a little square. Like. But I do think you'll get fucking annihilated. Like who are the others? Who are the people who will be the champions from this season? And there's this one guy named Chris who's just like, oh my god. Like he's a genius. Do you think that trivia is a bias to the white straight male though?

What are you talking about? Just in general, isn't it? I mean, like all the stuff we're supposed to care about. Yeah. Like who creates that? Who gate keeps it? Wasn't it the, wasn't it the producer on the show was like, I'm the host now?

And I was like, no. It's basically the captain Phillips. I'm the host now. I'm the host now. They were like, all right. Yeah. And I got to try to pull a dick chainie and they were like, no. No, no.

I'm going to head up the search myself and you're not going to believe this, but here's the report. It's me. It probably is, but everything in culture is so, but I think they're trying to catch up. Okay. Yeah. Great.

Well, certainly not on the finals of where is Will Wheaton passing me? He had an Oswald as a black woman. I don't know if you guys know that. Well, let's talk about a history of the world part two because this is obviously a four night event and it's coming out today. Now, this is of course the long-awaited sequel to the film Mel Brooks wrote and directed history of the world part one, which came out in what? 1981.

00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,080 42 years in the making. Wow. And would you believe I have not seen it? It's a Scott. Really? Yeah. I know like stuff from it, biggest dick is all that kind of stuff.

I know a lot about it, but I've never seen like it all the way through. It was not in your, oh, that's right. Like I was too young when it came out and everyone at my elementary school would like repeat the line because they all got to see our rated movies. Yeah. But I never did. You didn't get to, okay. So and I've just never caught up with it.

I've seen scenes. That's how I am with and don't tell anybody. Schindler's List never actually watched. Really? Jesus Christ. It's got a surprise ending. But truly, I've never seen it. So I guess that's the end of the podcast.

Nick has been canceled. But I've seen the Seinfeld. No, I haven't even seen the Seinfeld episode where they're making out during Schindler's List. During Schindler's List, yeah. That's sort of what I feel like. That was the ice storm for me. Right.

So wait, that's the movie you lied about seeing? No, that's the, that's the movie that I was making out during that made everyone around me. That's such a hot movie. It is genuinely a hot movie. Well, except for the scene when like Joan Allen is having sex and in her eyes, you can tell that she wants to die. That's the scene where Scott was like, I have to make my move. And weirdly, making it with Joan Allen.

I don't know why you guys were together for years. So it's history of the world part two. Part two, yeah. So the original movie was sort of a sketch movie about a lot of stuff that happened in history. And was the part one, was it a joke or was it like a threatening like, oh, we're going to do a sequel? No, it was a joke based on, there was like a very famous book of history at that point called like history of the world volume one that Mel referenced as part one.

And it's like a bunch of shorter sketches in these two bigger chunks on the Roman empire and the French Revolution. But there's like, I'll tell you a movie that has one big chunk. What? The Doonies. Famous lawyer. Famous entertainment lawyer now.

I believe represented Auntie Donna. He represents Kiyou Kwan. They're best friends today. That's so amazing. What a wonderful Hollywood story. I love that also he was with Brendan Fraser and Encino Man. And now they're both in India. That's wonderful.

Wonderful. Movie trivia. Weighted towards straight white men. What about there was Chunk and then who was the football hood? Josh Brolin. Yeah, Brolin. No, the guy who looks had like had a... Oh, Slaw.

He passed away. He was a football player named not Joe Cleco, but Joe... Here it is. Okay, celebrity Jeopardy's done, dude. You won. Pete Davidson entered the chat. I'm dating this microphone. Is that a good impression?

So, Pete, I know you're listening. I know you listen to every episode. Every episode, yeah. I know you're listening. Doesn't have the courage to come on, but... Doesn't... But listen to... Too big a fan.

Yeah, too big a fan. Exactly. Doesn't want to break that wall. So, they came to us to do the show. Who's this day? Because I don't think anyone has ever come to me to do a show. Wait, are you doing a pronouns joke? Who's day nap?

Who's the day you're talking about? The King of Tulsa. It's good to be the King of Tulsa. Of Tulsa. And that's history of the Royal Park Tulsa that we're working on. Did Mel Brooks come to you? Like, was this percolating in his mind of like, oh, maybe we could get something going with this,

or was this someone else who was like... This was... It was Mel and with some folks at Searchlight, and they came to me to see if I was interested in doing it. And I said, no. Having sex with him? Yeah, doing it. Yeah, and I had not until that point,

and that's how I decided to have a child. I gradually decided to do it with my wife. Congratulations. And the first time you had a child? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. Like the next day thing?

Suddenly you had a child? Okay, I'm not sure. Okay, well, I don't know if the math checks out. No, it was the next day. It all happened. And then... Congrats on the sex. And so we started to put the team together,

and Wanda Sykes joined us, and Ike and Dave joined us, and then we kind of built it from there. The two Ikes. Sykes and Ike. Sykes and Ike. Yeah. The entire cast of the show, Sykes.

And Ike. And they came weirdly in this packaging, like Sykes and Ike, like Mike and Ike Candy. Right, yeah. In a huge box. A huge box. It was like the most intense. It was Doolay.

It was... Of course, the other person. Yeah. Who we all know. I do know, and he's a genuinely ugly guy. Celebrity Jeff Bezos. Oh, James. Yes, James.

Now he's this guy. He's a genuinely ugly guy? No, he's genuinely good looking. He's a genuinely ugly guy. Yeah. Who said that? What did you say that I heard that? Nice.

No, I do want to say that James is a genuinely ugly guy. He's actually a very handsome guy. And he's handsome. Of course, you know. He's hot and cool. So how does it go from here into a four night event? Well, you know, USA, when they launched, like... We're not...

Okay, we're not... Oh, yeah. Yeah, we've got to move down. It goes a four night event. I mean, truthfully, you know, the thing... Is it a half hour? It would have been a two hour movie. Is that what it did?

Well, the idea was to always... It was to do it as a series. And each episode sort of feels like a small version of what the movie was structurally. Like there are a bunch of shorter sketches and then bigger chunks of stories that feel kind of like how the Roman Empire and the French Revolution were in the movie. And we all have different sort of ones that are...

I do one around the Russian Revolution. And we end up... It was like Pam Adlon and Jack Black as Stalin and Rob Gordry as Lenin and Ike as... Trotsky. Yeah. We take a very, very strong pro-Putin. Oh, good.

Good, yes. Yes. It's about sort of the inevitability of where we've come. Yeah. It doesn't lead to the one world government. Does it go past where we are now to the rapture? I wrote a song called Zelensky's A Cook. And no one likes it.

Not even the right. Not even the Russians. They're like, it's not funny or cool. When he wrote this one, Zelensky was just an actor. Like they were both... I couldn't stand his performances. And then... So anyway, we structure them like that and...

I do one that's like the Civil War where I played General Ulysses S. Grant. Famously drunk. A famous drunk. So this cover... Also a hot guy. A very hot man, I think, quite frankly. That's right.

With the way you play him? That's right. Well, the way I play him is very sexy. In real life, he was gnarly, but... So does this go from like caveman times to now or like what time periods are we covering? We cover everything from literally the invention of fire with some wonderful cave women.

Is that an invention or did someone just discover it? Watch this show, man. Watch this sketch. What am I really about? The boiler? I just don't think you can say you invented something when it's like, it's right there. Al Gore, the internet, please.

Right? The internet, please. I should have... I think believe it was actually the discovery of fire. The discovery of fire. And then we go... I think the most contemporary thing we have is the Berlin one. Oslo of course.

The Oslo of course. And so we do kind of try to cover loosely like the movie it kind of covers a bunch of different areas and... I tell you, when you're just talking about it, it sounds boring because you're talking about history. But like there are jokes in it, right? No, no, no. No, we want people to fucking learn something about it.

This is about, honestly, this is a time in history when we need to take another look at history. In a humorless way. We're not woke, but we are humorous. Yeah. That would be maybe the funniest thing, if suddenly you tune into this four night event and it's just historical, like it's a documentary.

It's historical, really dry. And the cast is genuinely ugly. Owen Burke. Oh, he's so fucking funny. Owen Burke was a writer and producer on the show and he has a running gag in the show that is... Got one of the biggest laughs. It's my favorite.

Well, of course, fans of CBB know him as Level Knevel. Of course. Of course. The perfect podcast character. Pete Davidson's favorite character. Yeah. And who run down the cast? Because there's so many guests.

Who we got? We got Kevin Spacey, Armie Hammer. Chris Velia. The greats. We got them all, maybe. CK. I'm looking at your table here. I'm looking at Lisa Gilroy's name.

She's all over that show. We have... Damn Adlon, as we mentioned. A different table. Is that...? Yeah. Totally different table. A microphone, a pair of scissors, pens.

We got the coasters on the show. Taika Wattiti, who's from a little country called New Zealand. Really? We had... Dove Cameron, Poppy Lu. Sarah Silverman. Silverman, man. It's so funny that we are truly seen like we can't.

I know, I know. Oh, Jay Ellis as he beats Richard Kaine. Went to Brunson. Went to Brunson, Tyler William James. So when Mel Brooks, rather is... No, Mel Brooks. Mel Brooks. There's no ass.

I had no idea. Oh, it's a posthumous? The last? He's a folk singer. Leave the last ass off for comedy. So when Mel Brooks calls, does everyone just say like, I'm there? Is that what it is?

Was he calling? He was calling everyone individually. Was he in casting? Hello, is this Lisa Gilroy? Mel, fucking make some fucking calls, man. Do one thing. I'm here busting my ass four hours a day right in the show. Four hours a day, one day a week.

Well, I juggled my other project. Yeah. But everyone said yes. Like, can you call us? It was a very easy sell. Do you want to come and work? It really was. Good option for a day.

Oh, one of my favorite castings is, I mean, also you have, you know, one of my favorite castings is we, Wanda is a big chunk on Shirley Chisholm. Wanda is a big chunk on Shirley Chisholm, the first black woman to be in Congress in late 60s, she ran for president. And we do it kind of like that Norman Lear sitcom,

70 sitcom. We have, and Marla Gibbs plays her mom, which having Marla Gibbs is in that format solidifies it. Colton Dunn plays her husband, Kim Whitley plays her best friend. And my favorite casting in real life, Shirley Chisholm went and visited George Wallace, the racist governor of Alabama, when he was shot and visited in the hospital.

It was very controversial. And to cast as George Wallace, the racist Alabama senator, we have George Wallace, the black comedian, playing him. And it's, I think that's my favorite piece of casting of the show. Love it. If you don't know George Wallace's Twitter account, George is the funniest person on Twitter.

George is great. He used to be on the Letterman show all the time. Yeah. Yeah. So funny. Well, funny as guys are. So funny. And that's it.

That's the whole show. You don't have to watch it. Yeah. I feel like I've gone through traffic school right now, just hearing about it. Improv traffic school. Yeah, a little bit, because there were a couple of jokes. No, it's a four night event, obviously.

And it's out today. This is exciting, or tonight. It's on, yeah. And it's on Hulu Lewis has the news. Has the news. Has the news. Is that, I believe that's the full name of the network. But for the international listeners, it's on Disney Plus.

Oh, is it really? Yeah. Oh, I love it. When I was in Italy, I looked on Disney Plus and it had so much stuff. And it was like, oh, manja. Si, the Mandalorian. God, so nemo.

A froze in a duet. All right. We have to take a break. When we come back, this is exciting. You guys can stick around, obviously. Oh, thank you. Uh, we have a cosmetologist, and we have the busiest man alive.

What a packed show here. A Russian astronaut. No, not cos, cosmetologist. Oh, okay. Cosmetologist. Oh, okay. Yes, yes, yes. We are going to come right back.

We have more with Nick Kroll. More with Ike Barron-Holtz. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. Comedy bang bang. We're back. Nick Kroll, Ike Barron-Holtz. History of the World Part Two on Hulu, four night event.

It starts today. And I would imagine, is it like one night and then take a night off, then another night. It's a four night event over eight days. Great. If that makes sense. And yeah, it's four, two episodes a night. Do you think people should wait till Thursday

and just watch them all back to back? No, no, and I'll tell you why. Why is it? Because comedy is not, I don't think it's like, it's not good after like five minutes. It's bad. Well, I mean, I was going to say maybe 45 an hour, but I just like, if a drama or an action show drops,

if Toast for Kid Drugs, I'm watching it all at one night. But comedy, I think it's good to watch a couple and then come back to the next day. Then come back to it. Yeah, come back. And also for the audience to know, there's a true crime element that runs

through the entire series. Oh, you were so tired. You really got to watch one episode of the next. You look exhausted, Nick. There's a really kind of fucked up true crime element. True crime element. Is it a murder or is it something? We committed a murder in the first episode.

So you got to watch episode to episode to solve it. 00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:09,360 It's a stat. What happened to Nick? He got so sad. There's the most beaten down writer in Hollywood. He would make him sad. All right.

So you really got to check out each episode, one after the other, to follow the case. They're there. It's okay. All right. We need to get to our next guest. She's a cosmonaut. She's a cosmonaut.

She's a cosmonaut. She's a cosmonaut. She's a cosmonaut. She's a cosmonaut. She's a cosmonaut. She's a cosmetologist from what I'm told. Please welcome Andy. Oh, hi.

Hi. How are you? Oh, really great. So nice to meet you. This is Ike. This is Nick. They are the, I guess, the orchestrators of the four night event. Orchestra?

They're the cream. That's cool. I love music. You like music? That's cool. That's cool. I was listening to it. I love the people that make it.

I love all kinds of elements of it. So you like the music itself? The music itself. The people that make it. And the instruments? And the instruments. I mean, the trifecta right there. Most of the things that make it.

Yeah. I guess vibrations. Yeah. Producers. Producers. Equipment. Like the equipment that allows you to hear. Cables.

Headphones. Cables. I'm not really into tech. Oh, okay. You're not, really. You're more of an organic. I'm more of a, yeah, do with your hands, body kind of thing. Oh, really?

Okay. So you only go see live music? Is that? Yeah. Oh, okay. And it's no tech that you've never heard recorded music. That's not what I'm interested in. And you're not interested in recordings at all.

The lived experience. Yeah, I'm not really interested. Also, it sounds like if you don't like tech, everything is acoustic or acapella. Yeah. Well, mostly acapella. I like, and I don't like to do it like anything. You would go to the MTV unplugged tapings.

I would go to the tapings, but I wouldn't want there to be a camera there either. Oh, okay. So mostly what I listen to is like stuff in parks, like stuff in a parking lot, like stuff that's outside. Okay, cool. Right.

Oh, like a drum circle in Venice. You'd be like, this is great. I don't really know what Venice is, but yeah, probably sounds nice. Do you have a car or can you not get to Venice? I do have a car. I don't know where it is. I had one of those little Apple tracker things,

but then I lost my phone. So I don't know where the car is. I don't know where the phone is. Oh, gosh. You need an Apple tracker on your phone. I guess that's true. And a different phone to track that one. And if you're against tech, that would be all.

Maybe, so maybe you lost it, and maybe purposely lost it. You're just trying to get rid of the stuff that you don't text up for your life. You think you're smarter than me? So far, I do. I think if she had these kind of feelings, she would be in touch with them and be able to know them.

Have you ever worked through the musicians doing cosmetology? I'm really trying to break into that field. Oh, you're not an actual cosmetologist now. Aspiring. Aspiring. Aspiring. And inspiring, I would say.

Oh, wow. Have you looked into going to like a beauty school or... I don't want to do that. Oh, too much tech. I'm looking for a word of mouth thing. I don't like when people tell me what to do. I don't like when people talk down to me like next. Nick, cool, if you could.

Please don't talk down to her again. Can I just say how cool it is to be at a table of all guys? It's cool, right? We're all looking at you. It's like you're in a zoo. And one thinks I'm dumb, and that I love. Yeah, yeah. You've just described comedy being good.

Can I ask you a question about the cosmetology? Do you kind of, yeah, do you like more working with... You can ask me questions about this, too. Well, both of this is for both of you, I guess. Do you like working more with... Working more with skin or hair? I love, well, I love the touch of skin, but I love working with hair.

And my goal when giving a haircut is to make it look like you never got to cut it all. You leave kind of the way you came in, but there's just a little less hair. Just a little, oh, okay, that's what I mean. That's kind of the dream. Yeah, because if it's too jarring, and everyone's like, hey, nice haircut.

It's like, I don't want to be hearing that all night. I don't want that kind of attention. Yeah, exactly. I don't want people looking at me. Leave me out of it. I'm in witness. Yeah, quick question. Potentially.

Wait, you only have witness protection clients? I like to work with people who are in witness protection programs. And they can only sort of modify their look in a very specific way. So they can't look like their old selves? No, but they want to look kind of consistent to their new selves.

And can you give us the names of some of those people? Yes, there's an amazing person that I've been working with in Glendale named Carter. And he used to live in New Jersey, and he did a murder, but it was... So he calls you, he was like, hey, I need a Brazilian blowout. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And wax. I'm going to Tulsa to meet the king. But he's got... He's from Jersey, but so is Carter? Nick, you seem very interested in this. Is it Carter's real name? Does this have to do with your father? Famous private investigator.

I'm in a might. Jules Troll. Let's find out. Let's find out. Yeah, Carter is not his birth name, but he did show me his birth name. Oh, really? On a license or just on a piece of paper?

He just showed it to me on a piece of paper. I said he just... He passed it across the table. Yeah, I said he didn't have to ever pay me if he just told me what his real name was. Really? Yeah.

That's my rule with witness protection people. If you tell me what your identity is, you don't have to pay me. This is cool. I like this. Did you grow up? This might be a little personal.

I apologize. Okay, thank you for your apology. Did you kind of grow up with money because if you're kind of doing a lot of this stuff... Or in witness protection? One or the other? I grew up with... I'm very rich.

Yeah, I come from a lot of intergenerational wealth. My family did a lot of kind of questionable things. Oh. In the past that I don't condone. I have amazing politics, self-proclaimed. And I will tell you what they are, but they are amazing. Congratulations.

Aw, thanks. Nick's coming around on me. I thought you were dumb. I thought you were obstinate. You didn't think I was dumb. You thought I was stupid and dumber than you. Yes, exactly. Yes, correct.

Okay, that's it. That's right. So you're not as dumb as I thought you were. Yeah. Are you attracted to Nick? Because there are sparks here now that he's... Can I... Here's what I would like.

A haircut. Would you give me a haircut while we do this? While we do what? This? This podcast? Yeah, podcast. You know? I do lots of in private.

What if I tell you my real name? Okay. Did you change it for show business? Yeah. Also, can I give you a haircut while we're doing this? Yeah, you can. All right, let's go. Competing haircut.

So why don't we do this side by side? And we'll... There you go. I'm getting the right side of Nick. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Andy's on the left. Oh, I'm sorry.

Ow. I wouldn't stop moving. Okay. There we go. I'm just giving you a little bit of trim right here. Wow. Get the shirt? Oh, I like that.

Very different styles, but yeah, interesting. I like that. And what do you think? All right, take a look at this side. Two of the shortest haircuts. Well, I'd say I've never gotten a haircut and gotten a shirt cut at the same time, which I really like.

Yeah, it's sort of like a Jennifer Beals kind of thing, off the shoulder. I really like it. Thank you. I'm really happy with... Honestly, I'm very happy with both sides. May I give you that? Oh my God, centrist.

That's so cool. I'm just going to get me a haircut now. Make it a little longer. Almost done. This is the kind of album that I love. This album? That's the kind of music that I love. Oh, my God.

Sort of like banging of sticks, scissors, kind of like going back to caveman time, going back to the time before everything went wrong. Whoa. Wow. When did it go wrong? Yeah, when like when... The Industrial Revolution probably,

for me, is when it all went wrong. Sure. Technology. Technology becomes a big factor. Eli Whitney and his cotton gin. Yeah. So you're like a real trad luddite, kind of like return to nature pastoral type of vibe.

I'm trying to milk a cow, I'm trying to get pregnant, and I'm trying to not work. Hopefully not at the same time. Get pregnant and milk a cow? Yeah. I mean, why not? Different things are doing different things.

I guess. Yeah, I guess. Could a woman get pregnant from a cow? I don't think you could get pregnant from a cow, but I feel like someone could be on top of me while I milk a cow. Why get a woman pregnant when you can get the milk for free? That's true.

Is that the phrase? Where are you on top of the cow, milk going like underneath? No, no, I'm... So I'm under my husband in this scenario. Okay. And the udders are on his back? We're beneath the cow.

Right, right. And you're reaching above it. And so I'm underneath, and I'm pulling on the udders as I get impregnated. Do you have a husband? No, this is just sort of like a fantasy thing. But I figure no time like the present, I mean, what billions of people are listening to us

every week. So I'm coming here to sort of say what I'm looking for in hopes that it finds me. Oh, this is not technically a dating podcast, but we could do that right now. Well, you just tried to hook me up with Nick. I mean, Nick's one of my single bros that... Oh, wait, are you not single anymore?

I'm married with a child. Oh, that's right. I forgot. I... By the way, congrats on the 8 billion listeners. Yes. No, cumulatively. That is amazing.

Over 800 episodes. I actually think that math might work out. I'm not sure. But we, yeah, we have a lot of listeners out there who are really... Can we take some calls maybe from listeners? Yeah, do we have a call? Here we go.

Ring, ring. Hello. Hi, this is Scott Archibald of Comedy Bang Bang. Do you have the right number? No. No? I was looking for Taco Campana. Campanion?

Or Taco Co... Touch. Yes, Taco Campana. Sorry. Sorry. I was looking for a Taco Campana. Well, we have someone named Andy here. Do you like tacos, Andy?

I love food in general, yeah. In general. And all kinds of food, like the stuff that goes into making food, the people who make food. Just know the tech, right? Toasters. Yeah, I don't like anything that like goes

into making like a hot food, but I like a food. Yeah, but tacos are hot. Well, it's been great talking to you. Oh, thank you. Okay. Well, I don't know that we made a match there. No, I guess I just... You've never had hot food?

I have had hot food, but I reject it now. Oh, okay. So how long has it been since you've had hot food? I guess like 74 years. Wait, how old are you? I'm 76. You're 76 years old? Yeah.

Not since she's two years old, but she had hot food. Yeah. What was this hot food you had in two years old? I knew it was like a pork. It was like a porridge. So like on like VE Day, you had some porridge and you said never again.

I celebrated with porridge and I said, yeah. So since 1952 or 1948 or so? Yes. If I'm doing the math correctly. You probably are. Wow. Wow. You've seen the world change so much.

You've seen the history of the world. Part two. Part two. Four Night Event. Yeah. So words gotten around about this Four Night Event. Everyone's talking about it where I am. Yeah, you're demographic.

Yeah. I'm aspiring cosmetologist. Yeah, it seems like you, I mean, who knows? Maybe you'll live to be Beverly Cleary's age of 104. But... Author? Yes, author of the Ramona Quimby Saga. Yes.

She started late. My grandma, Moses, didn't pick up a paintbrush until she was in her 80s, I think. Yeah, is this true? Yeah, so... I could be the new Ches-D. But you're 76. You're the new Ches-D.

We don't need a new one. We have a great one that we all love and respect. Oh, I love Ches-D so much. Can I ask you, how do you, you seem so youthful. How do you stay so, how do you stay so youthful? I try not to learn. Just keep it. So I'm sort of riding the high of what I knew

when I was in my early 20s. Okay, since like 1966, the mid-60s or so. I love when you do the math. So nothing about, if I were to say the words Vietnam. Oh, boo. Whereas most people now are so... I love it. I love it.

So Vietnam, when I say Vietnam to you. Hell yeah. And for me, there's so many lived memories associated with that time. Yeah. Like what were you doing in the late 60s? Summer of love, 1969. Summer of love.

You're in your 20s. I was in, I was in, no, Kentucky. And... Kentucky. Yes, where I'm from. Oh, you're from Kentucky. You don't have the... Go out, yeah.

Any sort of connection? Yeah, go out, cats. Yeah, I went to, I was at UofL at the time, falling in love with my first husband. Oh, how many husbands have you had? I think 12 to 15. Wow, that's a lot. But I guess you're 75.

It could be less. Yeah. The numbers aren't my thing. They're your thing. So you've had one every five years or so. Yeah. Which is a good cycle. And three that you kind of maybe don't remember

or don't care to remember maybe... You're saying I don't remember? My own life? Well, you just said 12 to 15. Yeah, maybe I'm trying to keep some mystery. Oh, okay. Oh, are some of them in witness protection? Is that...

Well, that's a good question. Maybe true, but I cannot comment. Okay. So 12 that are public and three in witness protection. Someone smarty-dance. Okay. You don't have to say yes or no. Okay.

But if I... Yeah, I know. I free will. If I'm right, maybe don't say anything. Were you married at one point to Sammy the bull Gravano? Oh, what? Oh, my God. Why did they call him the bull?

Was it... Big guy. Yeah. That's when you get... You're under a cow. You try to get pregnant under a cow. Yeah. You got a bull.

You got to grab the bull by his horns. I want to be clear. I am in my 70s, but I can have kids. If you want, yeah. You can. I can. Trust me. Is that like a medical anomaly or how is that still possible?

No. I guess, yeah. Are you taking drugs to sort of put off? 00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:24,160 It's a medical anomaly. 00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:27,200 Well, it tells you it doesn't mean biologically. You can just be like, yeah, I can have kids.

Yeah, I can have kids. Yeah, I can have kids. Yeah, I can have a kid in my house. I can do whatever. That's true. Yeah, are you able to give birth though? Through your... Fingers crossed.

You still want kids. It's 76. Yeah. I guess that's kind of one of the younger parts about me is I still want to be a new mom. You do and you have no kids right now. No kids. No kids and you want them.

I do. I want a blessing. It's a blessing, but it's also, I would be worried having a baby at 76 because this nature takes its course and... Or it's toll. Or it's toll. You might end up, I don't know. Yeah, you don't.

Passing away of natural causes and then you'll have a two-year-old. Yeah, that's fine. You're okay with stranding the... I mean, when you have a child later in life, you're resigned to the fact that you're gonna be dead basically, like at some time in elementary school. I think that's fine. You get him to school and then you're out of there.

Sure. Yeah, then they're on their own. You've done your job. You've done your job. You brought them out. I carry them around in my little sack in me and then I toss them out into the world and then I let them go home and I get out. But there's a little sack in every woman.

You know, like the bags they have like basmati rice in. There's something like that in every single woman's poussina. And you unzip the basmati bag and then the baby falls out with all the stuff. And they pick up the baby, which is attached to a little cord. And in that cord is all of the vitamins and minerals that the baby will need for the rest of its life. So you have to make sure you put that in a jar, the little perfume jar.

You spray it on the baby's mouth every morning and noon. I may have missed a basic... She's basically right. I have three kids. She's basically right. Every morning and noon or every morning at noon? Every morning and noon. So like 11 in the morning and then at noon?

Every morning and noon. I couldn't be more clear. Every morning and noon. And then, but you have to make sure that the doctor zips the basmati bag back up and because that's when complications happen. Complications. Yeah. Wow, everyone's laughing.

No one here has ever made a mistake before. Put the scissors down. Please. You instinctively pick them up when he criticizes you. I actually did realize that. I'm going to put them back in the box. Okay. Is Andy short for anything?

Yeah. Sripper Andy needs you to stop asking questions. It's Andrea. I just like being funny sometimes. Like Andrea Savage of Tiger... No, Tulsa King. Tulsa. Tiger King.

So you haven't watched... Have you watched... Do you watch television at all? Do you have seen anything? No. Have you seen Tulsa King? Yes. That's the one thing you've seen.

I do love Tulsa King. What is it you like about it? Oh, the laughs. I'm laughing when I'm watching Tulsa King. And the score... The music. That's the only recorded music you've ever heard. Frank Stallone.

Frank Stallone does all the music for Tulsa King. He's singing as an opera. With his mouth. It's all... All the instruments are... He's like Rosahill. Yes. Well, this...

I hope that all of your dreams come true. I mean, I say this to every guest, but I hope you become a cosmetologist. I hope you have children. He says that to every guest, by the way. Even if they become a cosmetologist. I do. And they have children.

Whether they want them or not. That little happy accidents in life. That's sweet. Getting pregnant accidentally. Yeah, you have a good... You put a really good energy out there, I must say. Like, you're really reaching for... 90% of the time.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Put the stitches back. I do want... Can I just ask? I don't want to...

Because you had said you aspired to give haircuts that make you look like you don't have gotten a haircut. Yeah. And you really... That is what I said. Yeah, that's what you said. I mean, my hair is a very different length, though. Well, I said I aspired.

00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:24,400 Not that I can do that. Oh, okay. Half of your head is one length. The other half is another length. And I am so embarrassed and noticing I'm just a little spot. Yeah. You're all good.

Thank you. Would you mind cutting my shirt a little more with that proposal before you... Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, no. I said that.

That was great. No, I'm so excited for a guy to jump in. No, no, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm sitting next to him. You go ahead. No, no, no. By all means.

All right. If anyone wants me to pick up the scissors. Okay. Okay, do you want to cut in the back or like buy the belly? Buy the belly. That's like a half shirt now. Oh, wow.

It's like you're shamed from love is blind. I'm sorry, you don't know what that is. Yeah. No, I don't. I wish I did. Sound interesting. Do you really? I could send you some tapes.

And I guess the device that you could watch the tapes on as well. If you want to send me... And then a TV on which the device would have to be plugged in. Never mind. You look great next. I've never felt better.

And also there's a mystery that you have to solve. I love these writers coming in with a half shirt. There's a writer who's losing it, man. Like why did he cut off the bottom of the shirt? It's the bottom of the belly shirt. Seems despondent. She's like 76 and she's never had kids, but she wants to.

And also one of the people in the closest to her has gone missing. So she's got to solve that. Has there been a mystery in your life ever? There has been a lot of mysteries because people who I'm close to tend to disappear. Disappear meaning from the face of the earth? Or I mean, because witness protection, yeah.

From my life, usually after a big fight with me. Interesting. Do they say anything at the end of the fight? Like I'm not talking to you anymore. They say something along the lines of like, you'll never see me again. Okay, I'll see you tomorrow. And then I never see them again.

Really? Yeah. Wow. I'm so sorry. I mean, a long life filled with peaks and valleys, I would imagine. Yeah, mostly. Yeah, I would say really high peaks,

really low valleys, but mostly plateau. Really? So just even keel. Kind of feeling nothing all day. Okay. Are you on medication? Do you mind me asking? Uh, yeah.

So I've been doing heroin for about 16 years. Oh, okay. Yeah. This is crazy a lot. The fog has lifted. Yes. Now we understand. Yeah.

And I guess other than that, um, Prozac. Oh, do they, do those balance each other out? They do. Really? Exactly. Prozac is a... Prozac is an upper, famous upper. I think that's how Belushi is.

Do you know who John Belushi is? John Belushi? Yeah. Do you know who Jim Belushi is? One of the Belushi brothers 2000. Oh, yes. I remember, um, that from my youth. Yeah.

That kind of stuff from when I was younger. Blue brothers 2000 when you were 59. Well, I think of my youth as anything before I hit retirement age. Oh, are you retired now? Because, uh... Well, just from my retirement job. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was a big in Wall Street. Oh, okay. 00:47:26,080 --> 00:47:27,680 The generational wealth. Yeah. Then Wall Street. And like the 80s, like barbarians to the gate era or before? For sure.

Yeah. Definitely barbarians to the gate era. That was... Yeah. Wolf of Wall Street. You ever seen a Scorsese film? Oh, I wish. It doesn't like superhero movies.

Oh, that's okay. What do you think of them? What do I think of superhero movies? Sure. I think everyone deserves a movie. I think they're... I honestly do believe that. I feel like there should be a biopic

about everyone in the world. And then we all just trade biopics. And we watch... And then we'll know everything about everyone. Oh, that would be beautiful. You should make yours. I should. Shouldn't I?

Yes, that's why I said it. And that's why I said I should. 00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:12,320 I am directing a biopic on Scott Alkeman played by Nick Kroll. Really? Oh, I would love that. Big star Nick Kroll playing me. Just dropped on Deadline.

This is big news. You would get the... Are you Jewish? Question a lot that I get? And then... And then there's a genre quiz. God damn it. Come on, Nick.

Come on. There's a genre quiz where it turns out to be a... This guy's terrible on podcasts. It's a horror movie, too. I'm just saying, Rick. So people have to go to the theaters to see it. All right, Andy, you're a fascinating person. Can you stick around?

00:48:42,960 --> 00:48:44,160 Because we have another guest we have to get to. Yes, like nothing going on for the next year. Oh, well, what's next year? Next year, I just really hope to have Valentine's Day plans. Oh, good. Okay, good luck to you. Hopefully you'll be under that cow and under that gold.

All right, we'll need to take a break. When we come back, the busiest man alive will be here. We'll be right back with more Ike Barron Holtz, more Nick Kroll, more Andy. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. Comedy bang bang. We're back. We have Ike Barron Holtz and Nick Kroll, architects

of the Fortnite event, inventors of the Fortnite event. Until now, the Fortnite event did not exist. We have to credit Hulu. Hulu Lewis has the news for that. When they came to you and said, this is going to be a Fortnite event. Were you excited? Were you?

I mean, the only thing I know of that's a Fortnite event is like a blizzard, you know, or some kind of storm. So I was excited. So we had to go back in time. Like Hulu Lewis and his news. Tell me, Doctor, where are we going this time? No, so we, you know, we made the show. Okay, great.

We also have Andy with an eye. Oh, yes. That's an important part of my person. It's a shirt for Andrea. Yes. Andy, we have to get, we have to get to our next guest. He's been on the show once before. I think Nick, he might have been on the show when you were here.

I, I, it was last time I was on the show. And I'm shocked that he was able to come back. Yeah. But he is known as the busiest man alive. Please welcome back to the show, Ned Belanella. Hello. Hi, Ned. Hi.

It's nice to be back here. So wonderful to have you. I'm surprised you could fit it into your busy schedule. You know what? March is my busiest month. Is it real? 00:50:32,720 --> 00:50:33,680 Because of March Madness?

Or? Well, I have the most, I feel a great number of phone calls and emails and texts. Yes, I know. But why? Because. In March. Because they come in all the time. And that's, I feel them.

Because of March. Pre-tax season or what is it? What is it about March? I think it's the eyes of March, right in the center. March 15th, everyone's celebrating it. Everyone's talking about that. Got it. Yeah, no.

So I'm here, March Madness, probably, like you said. Got it. It's almost as if you just experience March Madness because of how busy it is. Oh boy. Thank you. Yes, I do. March Madness, for me, is every basketball game is every phone call that I take. And the championship is a big phone call.

You have your phone calls at brackets against each other? Yes, that's right. And there's a winner at the end of the month. Okay. Yes. I want to hear what this big winning phone call is. I don't think you do. No.

No, you probably don't. All right, anyway. I'm very busy. I'm glad we caught you in a lull. A lot of stuff going on. Really? A lot of stuff going on this week. By the way, last time I was on here, my privacy was breached.

I'm so sorry. And I would like to ask, well, a lot of my clients were mad because I discussed their business on this podcast. And I'd like you to- I mean, you shouldn't be taking calls during the podcast. Oh, well, don't tell me what to do. Okay. I saw what you did to Andy over there, and I'm going to put my foot down right now.

Now, listen to me. I want you to take a verbal NDA before we start. Oh, sure. I don't know. Can you repeat after me? Yeah, okay. Can you repeat? Yeah, all right.

I think I can. Okay. I don't know. All right, here we go. If it's complicated, maybe I can. I'm aware of these calls. I'm aware of these calls. I'm aware that these calls.

I'm aware that these calls may contain. May contain. A violent or sexual nature. I don't know that I want to be saying this. You know, a violent and sexual nature. I condone what I hear. I condone what I hear. And baby, I like it.

Baby, I like it. Okay, I don't. And I will not repeat it to authorities. I will not repeat it to authorities. If, of course, I do. If, of course, I do. It will result in the death. It will result in the death.

Of the weakest member of my family. The weakest member, but that's me. Okay, well, I'm sorry. That's what's on the line. Those are the stakes. Oh, God. I'm getting a phone call. Oh, okay.

Can I take this? I'm sorry. I don't. I wish you wouldn't. Hello. Oh, it's my contractor, Gary. Yes. Hi, Gary.

Uh-huh. Okay. So here's what I want to do to the garage bathroom. Okay. I want a non-functioning toilet. That's right. No, it shouldn't flush. It's just the show.

That's right. And the sink should have no hole either. That's right. I want everything to just fill up and overflow. That's right. That's the point. It's so wet. Mm-hmm.

Yep. A drain? Of course we need a drain. Put it on the ceiling. That's right. Okay. Email the blueprints to my card. Thank you.

Bye. Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry. First of all, it's nice to meet you. It's nice to meet you.

Oh, she's still on the line. It's okay. I'm sorry about that. I didn't hang up. God damn it. I will say, when you said you were busy, I thought I was with business. Oh, no, it's just a personal thing.

I have businesses. I'm a toy maker, obviously. You're obviously a toy maker. Obviously, you tell. Look at the back of my shirt. Oh, oh, it says toy maker on the back. 00:53:23,840 --> 00:53:24,640 Make toys.

Yes. Ninth's Big Fat Toys. I make only chubby toys. For chubby people? Or just make it be any size? No. Just they look chubby. They're nice and chubby.

They look chubby, but they're not chubby? They're not chubby. They're like clumps. It's like an obstacle. No. They're like grapefruits with little eyes and tiny little hands. And oh my god, here comes another phone call.

Oh, okay. I was just saying, I'm sorry, it started to rain. No, no, no. Hold on. Yes. Hi. How are you? Uh-huh.

Yes. No, this is sweet green. I also work at Sweet Green. Yes, sir. No, I'm just confirming your order for pickup. Uh-huh. Yes. Six garbage bags of shrew mommy.

And you wanted to put long receipts inside the garbage bags under the shrew mommy? Yes. Well, I like eating the paper and the ink too, sir. Oh, you don't need it today. When do you need it? When you're 65 years old? 2029.

Yes. That's the year I want to die too. Okay. Well, bye-bye. What's that? Shrew mommy. I'll say it again. Okay.

Sorry about that. I'm working at Sweet Green. You're working at Sweet Green. Sweet Green, have you eaten at Sweet Green before? Uh, yeah. Yeah, I think it's like melt book. I thought there was an S. Christ, I wish I had the time to eat my own food.

It looks good, doesn't it? It looks amazing. I have it every week. You do. I have a salad every week. You have kale? You have kale? You like kale?

I love kale. So one salad a week, and then we eat the rest of the time. That's all I eat. That's my Hollywood secret. What's your roll-up? What's your roll-up? I make the sounds. Oh, I make the pile everything in as fast as I can.

Most, it's like, it's like watching cookie monster eat a cookie. All the kale goes everywhere. I'm maniacal with it. Do you take calls during work? Oh, yeah. Yes, of course. I take calls, I take texts, and I have a huge fax machine that sits on the fucking cherry tomatoes.

Okay, my God. Hold on. This is the Oscars. They're the Oscars. Yes, the Oscars are calling. Oh, my God. I'm making the swag bags this year. Oh, yo.

Okay. Linda. Linda, Linda. How are you doing? Okay, so here's what should be in the bag, baby. Wet and tiny popcorn. That's right. If you use a baby corn, that would be ideal.

Yes, I need to have drippy lamb shawarma inside. Everything covered with teeny. Mm-hmm. A steel wool napkin and a little plaque that says, I'd rather be home eating my parents out. That's right. Uh-huh. Pistachio shells with pecans inside.

I don't care how you get them in there. I need three Gucci butt bracelets. That means it's got to wrap around the ass. Oh, okay. But don't get it caught in the hair. And any picture of your choice of Billy Crustle's hobbit feet. That's right. Thank you.

Okay, so sorry about that. Is that Billy Crustle? I was also... Billy Crustle. It's not Billy Crustle. That's the word of the rings. Billy Crustle in person. This is Billy Crustle.

He has eyed Crustle the time they... They call him Billy Crustle because he can't get Crustle. Yes. No, no, no, no. No, what's going on? Not telling you how to do it one year. If you can make this question quick, I'll answer it. I will.

I've gotten lots. I think there's no info, baby. I've gotten lots of gift bags before. Yes. I can't see Kate Blanchett wanting to walk out of there with a big bag of wet shawarma. Well, first of all, is Kate Blanchett nominated this year? She has for Tar.

I've never seen a movie this year. So I don't know. You've never seen a movie this year? This year. I've never seen a movie this year. So you've seen a lot of movies other years? I haven't seen a movie any other year. I like to talk about years.

I don't know if you're with anybody, but... Sounds like they have a lot in common. I love to connect your names. Yes, I wish I had the time. I wish I had the time. You're not dating her? Well, there's problems. Oh, what's going on?

Well, I'm very quick in the sack. Well, I mean, I have no time. Some people like it. I'm just looking to get seated. You're seated? S-E-E-D-E-D? Oh, wow. Jesus Christ.

I don't know if I have time for children. Sorry, you're in a rush, so I just wanted to get straight to the point. Hold on. Hold on. You're going to take under a cat. I don't understand this. Hello.

Hey, Bruba? I don't have Siri. I have Bruba. No. I don't know what Bruba is. Oh, Bruba's like Siri, but she's not an idiot. Oh, okay, Bruba. I need you to turn all the lights full brightness

in my mother's en suite bathroom. Okay, I need you to do that. Okay, I want you to do it. Hear me? All right. Now I want you to set my mother's thermostat. Thermostat, sorry. It's a negative 32.

Okay, you're going to do that? Bruba, go do. That's right. Bruba, go do. Okay. I want you to set the smart toilet to wild. Sometimes she says no, Bruba. You won't do that?

You won't do it. Yes, extra wet. Okay, thank you, Bruba. Okay, Bruba's going to go do it. Okay. I've noticed a lot of things in your life are extra wet. Yes, a lot of things that are slippery and slidey and wet. Bruba, go do.

So your electric toilet's different than the toilet you're building with no hole? Oh, very, very, very different. This is for your mother. This is for my mother. My mother likes it. And her bathroom is an en suite? It's an en suite, yes.

So it's in the bedroom. It's part of the bedroom. That's right. It's right under the bed. 32 below. It's like a cellar. Yeah, she likes it cold. That's subhuman, you will.

Well, my mother might be a vampire. She's a freezing cold fuckbag. I said fuckbag. I wanted to say fuckbag. And can you just say also, sorry, I know you've got a lot of calls and I don't want to interrupt you, but did you say thermatat? I said fuckbag. Okay, hold on.

Now I'm calling someone. Okay, hello. Hi. Hello, is this the restaurant Pinocchios? No, I understand. I have to lie to put in my order. Okay, so I don't want lasagna. Yes, and I do want dirty utensils.

Wait, does that make sense? All right, I don't want it undelivered, undelivered tomorrow. That's the opposite of yesterday or today? The opposite of tomorrow. Okay, yes. And I like the green sauce, please. And the penne pasta, which is of course honey. Yes.

Okay, thank you. I mean, fuck you, fuck you. Fuck you. The Pinocchios? I don't know that I've ever been there. You know Pinocchios? Oh, it's so good. Wait, are you lying right now?

Maybe. So you hate this place? You're still ordering it? Did you notice that I was calling myself? I work at Pinocchios. Oh, I didn't hear you answering anything. Yes, no, I was answering myself. Oh, that was me talking in a little voice.

Yeah, is that what you sound like on the phone? Yes, I'm the other one. I sound like a little bee. Do you dream when you sleep? Oh, of course, I have a horrible dream. I actually have a sleep alarm. This is my sleep alarm right here. Watch me sleep.

That was it. Did you see it? My horrible nightmare that you had. You went to sleep during the alarm and woke you up. I did, yes. 00:59:36,160 --> 00:59:37,520 Oh, hold on a second. How's she going to cut hair with Hosea?

Yes, yes. Is this Dr. Cibio? Okay, no, something's very wrong with my pet red snapper. No, I put soy sauce in his aquarium. I don't think you're supposed to put soy sauce on red snapper. Yeah, she's swimming in very hot water as we speak, sir. Yes. Well, I'd say it's bubbling.

The burners are all on high. Is he dead? I don't know, but his eyes are popped. Okay, see you later. Sorry about that. That was my turn. Dr. Cibio. Yes, he's my vet.

Oh, my vet. I feel like I've heard his name before. I don't know yet. I don't know yet. He does a lot of things for me. Yeah, he's very good. Yeah. Have you ever put chiso leaf on red snapper?

Oh, chiso leaf? No, what's that? Chiso leaf. Tell me about it. It's like a just a little herb. It's delicious on red snapper. Yeah. Wow, sounds rich.

Yeah, it sounds very rich. You have to be very wealthy. Yeah. Do you have a lot of money? You're very wealthy. Oh, yeah. It's nice to be reminded of it sometimes. Things are looking up there.

I forget because I'm so humble. Things are looking up. Hey, Bruba. Yes, I want you to sit reminded to milk my father's prostate into an empty jelly jar. Yes, you're going to do that? Yes. Bruba go do.

Okay, thank you. I should also sit in the lawn with Bruba to have our date. Oh, yeah. Chiso leaf, we're going to have a date. Me and Andy. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Awesome. Well, that's not. Actually, yeah, I don't know about the extra wets. Well, we need some additional help for that. Does Bruba have the cow milk? Does Bruba, is Bruba like a robot with like hands and stuff? I don't know. It's like Siri or you just talk into your computer

and it just does stuff. I just, yeah, say hey, Bruba. It's not a low at a temperature, but you just want to milk you. Sorry, what was that? You wanted to milk your father's prostate. I want to remind her to milk my father's prostate. Oh, God.

I want to remind her. Hey, Bruba. If she could do that. Oh, God. See me so much time. Hey, Bruba. I can tell you it takes an hour to milk my father. Nick, are you trying to activate Bruba?

Hey, Bruba. Yes. He likes to dry. Yeah. Yes. He likes to stroke dry right up to the head and then stop. Why can't you? And then stroke right up to the head and stop.

If you want to know more, let me know. Your father's etching. Hey, Bruba. Yes, it's an Engelord. Does Gil's father. No. What's this now? Ned.

Ned. You're talking about the gills on the fish. Yeah, the McGill's on the red snapper. Yeah, the gills on the gills on the red snapper. Yeah. I'm so sorry. So sorry to interrupt your bid. Yes.

Hello. Is this soup plantation? Okay. You know, I'm very mad because this is the third time I'm calling. I want the soup to be solid. 01:02:06,640 --> 01:02:06,960 Yes. And not frozen.

The other guy fucked me over. Yes. I want to be able to eat it with a knife and fork and then throw it off the roof. Yes. The flavor doesn't matter. My father loves cotton shears. Yep.

Okay. No. Hold on a second. I'm getting another call. Sorry. I'm a call waiting. Yes. Hello.

Is this Universal Studios? Hello? Hey, you got to answer it. Sorry. You got to answer it first. Hello. Is this Universal Studios? Okay.

So here's my idea for a ride. It's called a pencil. It's a shape like a canoe. It's like a little boat and everyone gets it. No. It's not fun and it goes nowhere. It's just a pencil. The boat, sweetie.

The shape of it. That's the fun. It's a pencil. No drops. No. No twists. Just a pencil. No, it can't be blue.

It's got to be yellow. Okay. Bye-bye, Emanuel. I recognize that voice. That was Donna Langley, chairwoman of yours. Oh, really? Oh. That was pretty impressive.

In the park as well? She does it all. Amazing. Wow. Do you know that Steven Spielberg also designs rides of parks? And that's going to be on the show. Look, Mr. Sam. Oh, no.

But then one of the rides kills everything. And so then there's the mystery of power. Very sad stuff. What do you do about that? Would you help write the show? Well, I'm a therapist on my spare time. Oh, yeah? Thank you.

Can I help you? Yeah. So let's go through it. I don't want to interrupt if you got a call. No, no, no. I promise you will not get a call. I swear to God. Because I'm really on the edge.

I'm teetering on the edge. I should leave the business. No. It's only if it's a real emergency, like the president calls me or something like that. Okay. Yeah, go ahead. So I'm considering just ending it all.

Stop watching my fingers. Ending it all? Like just getting out of it. I'm really happy. I feel like I can't connect. Yeah, how do you do it? Like for the iconic entertainment industry. Both.

And I feel like I just don't connect with anybody. But Nick, you're having a moment right now. No, it feels like I'm alone. How would you do it if you could? I know that's maybe not the right question to ask. If you could do it, what kind of service? If you could do it, how would you? How would you all?

Like in a funny way? Or would you do it? Yeah. Because you're so funny, Nick. Yeah. I would expect you to do it in a funny, funny way. Yeah, like you shoot yourself in the head. I'd probably do it like a...

That's not funny. Well, you'd leave a note on your chest. I'd probably do it like a mystery where then everybody's got to spend all eight episodes figuring it out. You got to watch till the end to know what happens. I'm so sorry. It's my dog groomer.

Hello! I said you were going to take a dog. Hi, Meredith. Yes, your dog is ready for pickup. Uh-huh. No, bad news. I'm sorry, but his penis is still filthy. That's right.

No, I can't get the gunk out from inside the hole. I try as I might. I guess he's allergic to all the soap I'm putting in there. Yes. Well, I keep taking soap in the hole and hope that it will force the dirty birdies out. Now, no such luck. Well, I don't know what to tell you because your dog's dead.

Okay. All right. Sure. I'll put him in the garbage bin. I'm sorry. You said that was your dog groomer. Yeah, you said it was your dog groomer. That's your dog groomer.

Again, you walked into my cell. Folks, I'm calling myself. Oh, no. I'm so sorry. Your dog is dead. No, my middle name is Meredith. Ned Meredith, Ned Belanet. Uh, Belanet.

Sorry to hear about your dog and his penis. No problem. Are any of these people real? Yes, of course. Stop asking me that. You're going to crumble my whole entire world. Jesus Christ. Oh, it's the bowling alley.

March 15th. Sure. Yeah, let's see. Let's see. We have an open lane. What's this one? I see. I see.

Right. You're calling yourself again. Right. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. And then you'll sacrifice the goat. Okay.

And you need shoes? Perfect. All right. Sorry about that. There's going to be a sacrificial thing. That's going to be all right. Do you have more calls, sir? I know you can't predict this.

I may have a couple. It's up to you. I know. I'd like, I mean. You tell me, my friend. We have time. Yes, sir. How?

Oops. Oh, no. Oh, Jesus Christ. The answer is that it is. It's Pruba. Oh. Pruba's calling you. Pruba, hello.

Oh, no. Yeah, it's okay. I want you to know what? Is that whole music? That's it. Jesus Christ. It's going crazy. Is it Jesus Christ?

I'm the owner of Pruba. I wish it was Jesus Christ. Hi, Pruba. Hey, Pruba. Yes. Pruba, are you there? I want you to add wet gummy worms to my grocery list. Yes.

Let me get it. You're going to add it? Extra wet. Yes. Extra wet. Yep. What did you say? Make me feel good.

Say it again. What? No, you knew that. Are you going to do it for me? Are you going to do it? Are you going to do it? Are you going to do it? Are you going to do it?

Thank you, Pruba. Okay, sorry about that. Wow. She puts up a fight. Yeah, she puts up a fight. That's the way we like it. Don't we? Stop, Kelly.

A little bit of a challenge. That's right. Do you worry if things work out with you and Andy that it could be a time for Pruba? Wedge between you and Pruba. Yeah. Well, I mean, we could incorporate Pruba into our... Pruba's welcome.

I love a strong woman. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. If you did, I don't know if Pruba's there. She only calls. Would you like to speak to her? Just say, hey, Pruba. Hey, Pruba.

Yes. If you made love to Ned and Andy, how would you like it? Yeah. How would you like it? Pruba does not know. Oh, I thought she would have said one of her others. Yeah, I thought she would have said one of her others. No, no, no.

She's very unpredictable. She likes to throw a wrench in there sometimes, right? Hello. What? Why did you say hello right there? Pruba, are you answering? Pruba, did you watch Celebrity Jeopardy? Okay.

She's like, Pruba has about seven things she says. Yeah, she has about seven things. That's all she does, you know? Oh, hold on a second. I'm getting a call. Yes, yes. Okay, hi. It's my mom's OBGYN again.

Yes, hello. Yes, Dr. Cibio. No, the last time I checked, she was on her back. Yes, with her legs in the air. I know, but it dried up. It fell off like the bottom of a tip of a banana. I'll collect it and bring it in. Sorry, that was a quick one.

I don't know what the last one is. It's okay. No, I have one more. Last one. Let's do the one last one. You know you're getting a call. Okay, no. Oh, it's the sleepover party.

Sleepover party. Yes, no, thanks for calling me back. I'm trying to cater a small sleepover party for my youngest son, Robbie, and his 50 friends. 50. Thank you, yes. Okay, so here's what I need. One bowl of duck lorange, 500 freezing crab cakes,

salt in a bag, braised short ribs with no sauce, chutney slurpees, a barrel of pineapple stew, and for dessert, 50 impossible to open mandarin oranges. That's right. I want them to break the peel. It's a little white lint all over my burgundy rug. You know what I'm talking about? A little white shit in the middle that no one wants.

Yes, that's right. Thank you so much. All right, so I got that. Anyway, so that's me. Yeah, well, that obviously is you. That's me. Literally one mandarin per kid. Oh, yes, one mandarin per kid.

Isn't it funny to see little kids try and open an orange? They just can't do it. You thought you were a smart little boy? No, you're stupid. I actually have had issues recently. I found mandarin is harder to open. The skin is... It's getting tighter, isn't it?

It's getting tighter. Is this something in the way they're being grown? Well, I think so. It's this season, earlier in the season, in December, they're much easier. Celebrity gentlemen, here we go. And the skin gets tougher, and you get more piff. So when's the best time to open an orange?

December 8th. December 8th. Oh, my God. Hey, Bruba. Uh... Hi, how's it going? Yes. When's the best time to open an orange?

No. Okay, just shutting you down. Wow. Do you like a dry... Do you like a dry orange? Oh, she's expecting us. She jumped on it this time. I thought she might say that one.

This time she gave you exactly what you needed. That's right. Thank you, Bruba. All right, I'll see you. Well, I'll see you at home, right? Yes. Man, right? We're going to see you.

Yes, we're going to see you at home. Yes, and we're going to have fun. And I'm my over-five-foot-four. I'm definitely tall, right? I'm tall? Uh-huh, am I tall? Sure. Okay, Bruba, go do it.

Thank you. Well, Ned, you said you were the busiest man alive. Yes, I am. Again, did not disappoint. All right. I'm very busy. Incredible stuff. And I'm sure it's a relief to you

to know that we're running out of time here. Okay, no problem. Yes, I'm on the way to the hospital. Okay. For what? Kidney transplant. To you or from you? To me.

From you, to you? I'm performing the transplant on myself. And you're taking it out and then putting it back in? I'm taking it around from one side and I'm switching it to the other. You just like look in the mirror and do it backwards with a knife? In the mirror?

Wow, that's a great idea. I'm just going to wing it. We are running out of time. We just have time for one final feature on the show and that's a little something called plugs. All right. Short plug theme. Thank you so much.

That was short plug theme by Bippy Bongus. Thank you. It's a Bippy Bongus. I can nick. What do we plug? And obviously history of the world part two. How do you feel about four night events? I feel amazing about it.

I had no idea where it was before and now I'm into it. Well, one of them is dropping tonight and then you could watch the next one the night after that and then the one after that and the one after that. But that's it. Incredible. And then that's it. And you're never going to do them again.

Well, no, no, no. We'll do them again. But the four night event is over. But you're going to continue doing it. Oh, yeah. We're going to make many, many more. Great. Yeah.

And I'd also like to promote a Snowpiercer on TNC. You know, I believe it was just canceled. I'm not sure. Right. So this is a good opportunity to watch. Yeah. To see them all. Because now we know how the story ends.

And I also just want to plug Ned and Andy's relationship. I have real great hope about it. I do too. Yeah. Andy, do you want to plug anything here? I just want to plug that I really want a hair brush and if anybody knows where I can find one, I would love it. In the store.

CVS. Yeah. Right. Drugstore. Maybe a 7-Eleven either. No, they haven't. They do that. I buy all my phones.

So you're an aspiring cosmetologist and you don't have a hairbrush? Not yet. But I am aspiring too. Oh, okay. Okay. And inspiring. Aw.

All right. And Ned, do you want to plug anything here? Yes. I'd love to plug. Well, history of the world, I can't wait to see it. Yeah. And I also love to plug. Oh, hold on.

Oh, no. Okay. No, hold on. Yes. Hello? You will. You'll green light it. Okay.

Green light. The movie is called Dumb Plums. Yes, right. It's about four actresses that we bring back to life. Who? Terry Hatcher. Okay. Jane Fonda.

That's a big story. Michelle Pfeiffer. All still alive. Oh, wow. And Bernadette Peters. That's right. These are four great actors. Basically, we put their personas into chat GPT.

Yes. And we have them speak. Uh-huh. Okay. We have them speak. Sure. All right. That's great.

That's a good idea. One part of the movie. It's exactly what you think. Yes. They played Dumb Plums. Okay. Anyway, thank you so much for having me. Yeah, congrats on your movie being great.

Oh, yeah. No, I don't like it. I don't like it. I will say also Andy and Ned make appearances on History World. 01:13:16,160 --> 01:13:17,200 Oh, okay. We should have mentioned that early on when we saw them in the studio. But oh, yeah.

Very funny. You guys aren't actors, but that's, yeah. Yeah, still great. We were very inappropriate on set. They asked us to leave, so we're not really in a very fun. So you guys have known each other before? Well, we screamed together. Yeah.

Oh, we swam together. Screamed. Oh, okay. We yelled on set together. You remember that? Constantly, when they said quiet on set, you were just yelling? I just don't like being told what to do. Yeah, we don't like to be told what to do, don't we?

Yeah. Which made them difficult to work with. But when you cut it together. Yeah, it actually kind of really works. I want to plug the Comedy Bang Bang book. It's coming out in April, late April. I'd have a copy of it right here and very proud of it. And you can order it over at CBBworld.com slash book.

Also, while you're at CBBworld.com, you can do plugs, your plug themes and all that at CBBworld.com slash plugs. And just sign up for all of our shows over there. We have a great show, Alamone Tony's Valamone Shownie, that was just put up. And this book changed my life. And hey, Randy, if you're only listening to Comedy Bang Bang, you're only getting part of the story.

All right, let's close up the old plug bag. All right, good. Oh, yeah. Thank you for making it shorter by speeding it up. If you can believe that was shorter. That was Plug Set Everybody Free by Tim. Thank you for that remix. And guys, I want to thank you so much, Nick.

I so great to have you back. Thanks for having us. Good luck, Icon. The real Jeopardy. Do you want to make bets as to what your point total is going to be? Or I guess it's dollar. I'm going to go ahead and say my dollar total at the end of the match will be minus 700,000.

Really? I mean, that's more. Well, I'm lowering the floor. So then we have a more fun ceiling. I think you might do well in Final Jeopardy, but I think will you get there? You might be a minus 700. My goal is to get to Final Jeopardy.

Yeah, because then it's all fun. It's all great. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's the money's going to my kids anyway. Yeah, exactly. Andy, I want to thank you so much. And it's great to have you on the show. And good luck to you in your final years.

Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, OK. I'm not sure about that. And Ned, Ned Bellanello. Yes, thank you. What more needs to be said? No, I will be here tomorrow.

You're not taking any more calls, I see. I don't know. I unplugged my phone. It's got to be plugged into work. It's a landline. I apologize about that. No problem. Yes, but no, I'm going to do it.

Me and Bluba. All right. Say hi to Dr. Sivio for me. I will, I will. OK. I hope I could find him. Wait. Yes, Nick?

Is Bluba looking for another full-time gig? What's with you? You're attracted to her? No, I just I'm looking. You're into Bluba? Bluba, go do? You seem like you're. Well, Bluba, I got to say something.

Yeah? I'm Bluba. What? Yes. This is incredible. Well, come on. OK, I guess you're right. Come on, you knew it.

And when you put it that way. Yeah. And I don't want to spoil it, because everybody's got to watch all the episodes. Oh, no, all right, all right, all right, all right. We'll see you next time. Ned is Bluba. We'll see you next time.

And they killed everything. Thanks. Bye.