Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Paul F. Tompkins, Erin Whitehead, John Hartman

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

Aspiring commercial voice-over actor Abernathy Combs joins Scott to talk about his time as an army general, horror movies, and making a new voice-over demo tape. Then, entertainer Ursula stops by to t...alk about her transition from reality show star to stand-up comedian. Plus, private investigator Ken Lunch drops by to talk about his private practice exclusively for parents.

Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 When the rum hits your eye and the new ports are nine, that's a flambé. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Big Hunken Melons for that catchphrase of mission. Big Hunken Melons and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. We have a wonderful show. My name is Scott Ackerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang and this is, of course, Humanities podcast and the Animal Kingdoms podcast as well. All animals, all humans. Welcome to listen and welcome to be on and today we have three humans who are going to be on the
Starting point is 00:00:54 show. Coming up a little later, we have an entertainer. We also have a private investigator, aka PI, we'll be here a little bit later on the show. Those are two incredible guests, especially during a strike. And we have our first guest is an entertainer as well but to be more specific. I don't know. I'm charming left.
Starting point is 00:01:21 Well, thank you. I, you would not consider yourself to be an entertainer. I'll I'll say what your specific job is Sure, I mean if people are entertained well, then I'm very glad. Well, you're a commercial VO actor. Yes, I should say I'm I'm an aspiring Commercial actor. Oh, I said you've not done it professionally not yet not as of yet Oh, okay, so then I guess you're not an entertainer because no one has heard your work That's fair. And I guess you're right. By the way, I'll introduce you in a second. I guess you are right that technically when you're watching a commercial, people are not watching commercials with the express purpose of being entertained. And sometimes probably your work is purely
Starting point is 00:02:01 informational. You're listing diseases and symptoms and side effects. Yes, although those aren't the kind of commercials that I aim to do the voiceover for. Oh, okay. Well, let me introduce you. He is an aspiring commercial voiceover actor. Please welcome for the first time on the show, Abernathy Combs.
Starting point is 00:02:21 Hello. Thank you so much for having me, sir. Mr. Combs, it's a pleasure to meet you. Especially during a strike. You can call me Abernathy. That's fine. Oh, okay. I will, then Abernathy. Now, a lot of times on this show, I have people who have actually achieved their dreams or at least are, you know, they're younger and they've achieved part of their dreams and that's how they get on the show. Now, according to you, you have not done any of the things that you wish to do. Is that true? I have it yet. You know, I'm an older man and
Starting point is 00:02:50 this is how many trips around this sun you've taken. Well, let's just say it's in the the upper 70s. So somewhere in the 78s, 79. I'm, 83 years. Okay, that's very upper. That's a little, that's a little too up. It's almost as high as you could go. You're the 7th almost. Yeah. So you're an 83 year old man. Why would you want to get into, and by the way, when we say commercial VO actor, what are we talking about? Exactly. Well, I'm thinking of what I think my voice is suited for. This is what people have always told me. They think I have a very reassuring voice. I'm very calm listening to you. Oh, it's got a very happy to hear that.
Starting point is 00:03:32 You have a folksy demeanor if I may be so bold. Thank you very much. And this is, you know, now I'm retired from my first career and of course my wife is dead. Thank you. I'm sorry. Why do you say, of course, your wife is dead. Well, she was even older sorry, why do you say, of course, your wife is dead? Well, she was even older than I was.
Starting point is 00:03:47 Sure. It was a scandal back in the day. Oh, wait, how much older? She died at a hot for teachers' situation? She died at 101. Oh, hello. And that was 25 years ago. Oh. So this, so, I mean, this is a difference of 43 years.
Starting point is 00:04:07 Yes, we were together for five glorious years. Five years. Okay. So why was this scandal? You were in your 50s. I don't know. You know, I don't want to dwell on it. Well, we lived in a very close-minded community.
Starting point is 00:04:27 I guess so. But what was your previous job, if you don't mind? Well, I was an Army general. You worked at Arby's? What? I was an Army general. Arby general? What is an Army?
Starting point is 00:04:39 Arby. Oh, Army. Yes. The ARB forces. The ARB forces. The ARB forces. Yes. So armed forces, the armed forces. Yes. So you're an army general.
Starting point is 00:04:47 That's correct. Is that, is that, that's not as high as you can go because there are stars, right? Yes, that's right. Is there something above the like five star general? There is one six star general. But you need a wild star. You do need a wild star. They do the wild star draft every year.
Starting point is 00:05:02 And then one general gets to be a six star general. What about World Star? You know, they're taping they're taping fights that break out on the streets. Oh, you know what? World Star makes me think of like a karaoke company. You don't know what I mean. Oh yeah, yeah, when you see the head it'll come up. Right, a couple of it's a world star. A couple of it's that. That sounds good. Don't you think I could do this for a job? I do. I mean, a couple of it's a world. Cop, Cop, that's, that's, that's sound good. Don't you think I could do this for a job?
Starting point is 00:05:25 I do. I mean, Cop, Cop, it's a world star. Now, you don't normally see that in karaoke where suddenly you'll hear a voice. They're usually voiceless. It's just instruments. But you could read that part if you wanted to. It's sure you still have the mic, but how weird would it be?
Starting point is 00:05:38 It's suddenly a guy just time soon goes, Cop, it's a world star. It would, I agree. It would be rather strange, but don't you think it might be kind of delightful? I now want to see this at karaoke after every song. A plus backing track sales. They call themselves A plus to put themselves further up in the foe book. That's right. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:01 Oh, okay. You know, when you're looking for something in a photobook, you start at the very first page. If you're, if you're a need for something in the yellow pages, you say, well, let us start at the beginning. There's, even though you know what you're looking for, and it's like stereos, you're going to start an A's. A tour.
Starting point is 00:06:17 This is not how the phone book works. It's not alphabetical in terms of the business name. Oh, is that true? I haven't used a photobook quite some time. Really? Why is that? Well, you're of the age that I would imagine you would be using phone books all the time Well, it has been quite some time as I say because of course as an army general I had an assistant who did all my phone calls for me. Oh really? Was that a like an army like a sergeant or something like that?
Starting point is 00:06:39 It was a it was a corporeal a corporeal. I had a phone calls. Yes corp corporate would make phone calls. Yes, corporate make phone calls. Wow. Corporal make phone calls. Sergeant would open door. Sergeant open door. Yes. To use your parlance. So, so that wouldn't, wouldn't interesting job to be an army general. It was very interesting.
Starting point is 00:06:58 Were you out there like directing troops were you? Absolutely. You saw the ground. But really, you saw the ground. You ever hear that on American Idol? Pants on the ground, pants on the ground. What is that? I don't understand.
Starting point is 00:07:12 Any of the things you said, American Idol. Okay, we got it back up. Do you know what TV is? I of course, I know what television is. I hope to make it my field of work. Okay, well, television show called American Idol. The Challenge Familiar. Where they would look.
Starting point is 00:07:28 American Idol. It sounds familiar. Right? I could see you coming on for commercials. American Idol. I mean, I have written a bunch just as a, I'm trying to make a demo tape. I think they call it.
Starting point is 00:07:41 Well, instead of me explaining what pants on the ground is, why don't we hear some of these Examples. All right. Okay. Here's what I did for But I do want to get back to pants. Absolutely. Here's we will Here's a pants on the ground. We'll go back to it Here's one for flossing. You know, it's important to floss. It is important to floss although I don't I guess Maybe there's a flossing council, but I think a specific type of anyway. I don't mean to get in your process. All right. Thank you Here we go This would be at the end of a commercial for dental floss for okay, great or for the idea of flossing if anybody does that like they did for milk
Starting point is 00:08:17 That's what I mean the Flossing council right yeah, where they're like don't forget about us. We still exist. We're still here. It still is string, by the way. The incredible, edible egg. Remember that? I do, that wasn't for a specific type of egg. I guess there are no famous egg cells. Well, chicken eggs.
Starting point is 00:08:35 Well, I think that was exclusively for chicken eggs. It's funny because every lunch meat like Oscar Mayer, you know, like there's a brand that sells this kind of stuff. Except eggs. Eggs are just like, look, you go into a store and whoever fucking makes them makes them. True, but you could say that about lunch meat, too. Well, I mean, if it's off the bone,
Starting point is 00:08:57 if it's being sliced right there in the store, sure. Well, but there are companies that provide eggs. Like who? They're not famous. They're not famous because who advertises for eggs? That's the thing. Just the idea, that's the thing. You go into a store and it's not like,
Starting point is 00:09:12 who I wanna get egg birds eggs. I think because I think it's very difficult to prove our eggs taste better than these other eggs. But shouldn't they prove it? I think they should. I think they should be put on trial at the egg well now It rhymes with egg that's what I say. I try with egg. It's like parentheses H and parentheses a so people say egg
Starting point is 00:09:36 Do they say egg really so people say I say egg you say when you're talking about the egg Lay oh, I was it's not the head, it's the head. Although if it were the head, can I tell you, I have a great time. I think a wonderful time. I really have a wonderful time. I really am. It's very exciting.
Starting point is 00:09:54 I've always put it in the be in front of a microphone. Oh, so flossing. It's never been in front of a microphone before. Not a proper professional microphone like this. What types of microphones have you been in front of? Home made. Home made. Yeah. What are we talking about?
Starting point is 00:10:09 Like a paper towel tube? Yes. I mean, that can amplify your voice, I guess. It's true, but it doesn't have the quality that you want for a commercial version. No, it's more like a megaphone. Yes, that's why I'm redoing my demo tape. Oh, okay, well, it's here.
Starting point is 00:10:23 Because the first one was me speaking through cardboard tape. Through a cardboard tape, that's not good. Yeah, in fact, I redo it by demo tape. Oh, okay. Well, it's here. The first one was me speaking through cardboard through a cardboard tape. That's not good. Yeah. In fact, I think you'd get better quality sound just talking right into the receiver of whatever you were talking. I think you're right. It seems to me like whatever recording device you have has a microphone. It does, but it's, you know, it's a cassette recorder. Oh, I see. And so you have to press the two buttons at the same time or it won't work. And there is a war games like two people have to press, you know, things at the same time in order to launch nuclear bomb. Oh, that's right. You know, that's not true. Is that not true? Anybody is walking to do it. Yes. Why don't more people do it? Well, they have guards. Oh, okay. Yeah. This makes sense. And the guards have swore not to let anybody in there. So they have to swear like an oath. They have to find people who believe in God, and then they make them swear to God that they won't let anyone in there.
Starting point is 00:11:09 So if you don't matter how much I scream or beg, don't let me in there. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please. Okay, here's the thing. I'm gonna chain me to a chair. And no matter how much I scream or beg, don't let me in that room to press that button. So reverse weirwolf.
Starting point is 00:11:27 Or a way. Oh, it's possible. Yeah. All right, so give me more of this demo tape. Okay, so here we go. This is for flossing. Flossing. Keep going.
Starting point is 00:11:37 Eventually the blood will stop. Okay. Right? Yeah. So teach people, let people know if you keep going, it gets better? Yeah. Teach people to let people know. If you keep going, he gets better. Yeah. It seems to me like if you continue flossing, the bleeding would continue a pace.
Starting point is 00:11:52 That's not opposite. Really? So if you... Because sometimes I'll go for a while with that flossing, then I start flossing again. Boy, boy, there's a lot of blood. Oh, I see you're reading. The more I do it, the less blood there is. I see what you're saying.
Starting point is 00:12:03 If you continue to do it at the interval, you're supposed to do it at it. Wait, not just continue flossing. Yes. Oh, no, it's unclear, isn't it? It's too unclear, yeah. So I don't want people like, sawing through their heads. Although, it would be a good, a redditary style.
Starting point is 00:12:18 But you've seen a redditary. I love redditary. I love scary movies. I mean, that's all about, I mean, spoilers for her editor. That's all about a bunch of people who, when they get too old, you know, in the years that you're in, you know, upper 70s. Yeah. They decided to kill themselves to better society. I don't think we're talking about the same movie. Which movie are you thinking? Hereditary working payment comes to Earth in the form of a young boy.
Starting point is 00:12:47 What? And he will reign forever. Okay, I'm not quite, I think we are not. He wears his crown of flesh. I think we are talking about two different movies. Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. I feel like I'm talking about her. Are you talking about midsomar?
Starting point is 00:13:00 Oh yeah, wait. I am. What's hereditary? Hereditary is where toilet... Same direct director same director. That's the problem directors. Sometimes they do more than one see So that would be a commercial for director a commercial for just directors in general. Yeah, exactly Midsobar though. Yeah, when the people get older they jump off the cliff. Do you like that movie? I love it. I love horrible views. I love to be scared. The grosser the better I would imagine. Oh, yeah, I love Gore. What's that? Like saw I've ever seen saw not a big torture porn guy, but I'll watch it and enjoy it. Yeah Ten out ten torture porn. Give it a try. Maybe you'll like it.
Starting point is 00:13:47 Um, good. I think these are good. I mean, uh, yeah. Can I give you another one? Yeah. One more. Having a pet. Countdown to heartbreak.
Starting point is 00:13:56 Yours are theirs. Well, both probably. I mean, first their heart breaks, they die. Well, hopefully they're first. That's what I'm saying, like if you're first. Oh yes. And they walk around just like, no one is able to explain to them where you went.
Starting point is 00:14:10 It just said, so like the sense of you just fades as the years go on. You'll see a video of like a dog laying down on its owner's grave, it's very sad. And do they, is that because they can smell you down there? I don't think so, I think they just don't wanna walk. They're like, they're trapped. Oh really?
Starting point is 00:14:24 Yeah, I think they're just tired. But yeah, one of the thing about dogs is smelling, it's very important to them. And you'll see those videos where, of course, a lot of service people that I have sent to their almost deaths. They'll come back home and they haven't seen the dog in quite some time.
Starting point is 00:14:41 With the dog, you see the dog being very confused. It's like you seem familiar to me, but I'm very wary. And then eventually it's like, I remember who you are. And then they go crazy. You know, if dogs can smell so good, why don't they smell better? You know what I mean? It's like, hey smell, smell theyself.
Starting point is 00:15:01 Well, I think they like the way they smell. Oh, this makes sense. The people that don't wear a deodorant, they like the way they smell. Oh, this makes the people that don't wear a deodorant, they like the way they smell. So wait a minute. Now you say you've sent people to their almost deaths. Has no one ever died? No, a lot of people have, of course, but they do not, they're not reunited with their dogs on video. Well, that'd be great if you could video take people getting to heaven. Yeah. And being reunited with their dead dogs. Absolutely. I'd watch that. I click on it at least.
Starting point is 00:15:25 Maybe your dog's up there. Don't be afraid. Okay, you keep adding a little tagline. Yeah, I feel like I'm making it better. I feel, see, I feel brevity is the soul of wit. And you don't, you don't want to get it too. I never felt that. You don't want to get it to a second thought territory.
Starting point is 00:15:41 I want to raise more questions as it's just fading out. Heaven, if your dog's up there, that would make it better. What, what was the thing you added? I don't, I don't remember. But it was good. It was mere seconds ago. Oh, comedy banging. It was mere seconds ago.
Starting point is 00:15:55 I don't get that one. I don't need that. Well, if you just stop listening to it. Wait, which I have. All right, I have another one. Okay. This is for diapers. Okay, but you know, concept of diapers.
Starting point is 00:16:07 Diapers are very important for young families. That's it. It's depending on when they have kids. That's right. Or how old they are. Exactly. If they've lost control of their walls and flowers. That's a joke, but we should start making diapers for adults.
Starting point is 00:16:21 Anyway, go ahead. Here we go. Diapers. They're not just for adults. Anyway, go ahead. There we go. Diapers. They're not just for show. Now that implies that people are showing off their diapers, which I... Well, I mean, they put all those designs on diapers now. They do. They put little nice little ducks, so that's made... They put a laden on there. It's mainly for the spider, man. Those aren't the adult ones, though, right? Although those would be fun.
Starting point is 00:16:44 They would be a lot of fun. I would like that. Adult diapers should have pictures of like, you know, the beds you used to like when you were a kid. Let's Eppelin. When you were a kid, yeah. Yeah, five years old. Five years old. Do you remember being a kid? It was so long ago for you. Big a kid. It's hard to remember. You were born in 1940. That's right. Wow. That's right. And I think because there was so much, I grew up during the war. Yeah. The world was on the precipice of World War II.
Starting point is 00:17:15 Yeah. We were born. And then while I lived through the entirety of the war. Right. You never skipped any of it? No. I wasn't allowed. Kids those days, you're not a little skip. No, it was very strict back Yeah, you had to live through the war. Yeah, and of course we had there was a lot of sacrifices that we had to make certain things that we we No candle oil. No, you couldn't have candle oil
Starting point is 00:17:38 And of course my dad was a whaler so that the the the whale oil was just piling up in our home. We were forbidden to use it. What was his name? My father's name? Yeah. His name was Abernothi. Oh, call him Abernothi. Wow.
Starting point is 00:17:53 He's a whaler. He was a whaler. Wow. Incredible. Abernothi cold. Abernothi cold. What an incredible, do you have children? I do have two children.
Starting point is 00:18:02 We're not on great terms. Oh, I'm so sorry. Well, it happens. Were these with your wife who just passed away a few years ago? She was unfortunately passed the age of child bearer when we got together. We got many decades passed from what I understand. But these were two children that I fathered during my days
Starting point is 00:18:17 of the army and they one day showed up on my doorstep. Oh, wait, wait, these were, you were in another country or something like that? I was in two other countries. Two other countries you had relations with women of those countries. Of those national countries. Yes. Women, they come from all different countries.
Starting point is 00:18:33 That would be a commercial for women. Hey, if I saw a commercial for women, I would be interested. Hey, how about this? Countries. They're half full of women. Pretty good. Are there countries where it's mainly women? Because I'd like to move there.
Starting point is 00:18:46 The Abbasade where, you know, Amazon Island? Yeah, where Wonder Woman's under. Wonder Woman, I couldn't think of her name. Yeah, Wonder Woman. Sometimes you can't think of her name. I like that. Can I do it? And if that ever happens to you,
Starting point is 00:18:59 just watch this commercial, because we just said it. Wait, can I give it a try? Yeah, go ahead. Wonder Woman, sometimes you can't remember a name. Pretty good. Thank you. I would hire you. This is good.
Starting point is 00:19:11 I don't know. Are you in need of any voiceover services? I'm not, because I feel like I would just do it myself, but. Right. Yeah, that's a big problem. That makes sense. But have you had voiceover? Sometimes you do it yourself.
Starting point is 00:19:23 Sure. DIY. I've sent my tape to many places To all this is just one tape by the way that you ask for for it back. Yes. I always include a S a C and SACE is what they call it. SACE. SACE. It stands for self-addressed capital And so I've sent it to ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox. So the peacock network, yes, the Tiffany network. The American broadcast corporation, of course, or is it company?
Starting point is 00:19:54 I don't know that, you know, and I don't think I'll ever know. I said, I'm fine dying without ever finding out. I'm fine dying. I'm fine dying. I'm fine dining. It sounds so close to fine dining. It sounds so close to fine dining. It's so when it's like, Hey, this is a fine dining establishment. I'm like, Oh, God, I got to get out of here.
Starting point is 00:20:13 choking on caviar, we're fine dining meets fine dying. Now that's a commercial for choking on caviar or just choking in general. I think choking in a fancy restaurant. The council for choking in a fancy restaurant. Nobody counts. Yeah, who are these people on these counts? How can you get these jobs? How come none of them are tributals? Why isn't it the American Dital Tributals?
Starting point is 00:20:40 So you've sent this tape around. Gum! Who needs it? It's a good question. You know, it seems so fun when you buy it. Yeah, and it's like hey This isn't like a candy bar. It's gonna be gone in two seconds. This is gonna last you the whole day and then really Well, it's not gonna last you the whole day But you can keep it it could be your problem for the whole day. You're allowed to keep it in your mouth for how long legally Legally 48 hours 48 48 hours. And then if you're, and then
Starting point is 00:21:07 if you still have gum in your mouth, they'll find you. We have a problem. Still have gum in your mouth? They'll find you. So you've sent your tape around. And what is the response bit? The response has been the tape is sent back with zero words. So no notes, no, which no writing script is an amazing place. People just send the tape back. And I honestly, I think that if it worked for that, say, I would never get the tape back probably not. Yeah. Yeah. So so no offers, no no offers, no, no, no, even, you know, nobody says, here's a better way to go about this.
Starting point is 00:21:45 Or this is almost good, maybe if you change this, I mean, it's, and it's very frustrating because I think I feel like I'm doing a job and you know, my, my, my troops were always telling me what a wonderful voice I had. And I think they liked me because I never raised my voice and never yelled at anyone. Really?
Starting point is 00:22:01 Even when I was a sergeant and you're supposed to, I was a drill sergeant and I would trade the troops and I would say, all right, you scumbags. I want to see you get your dicks down the dirt. All right, you maggots. You would say it so pleasantly. Did your mother have any children that live? What's your major malfunction? It's a sea. I would love having you as a drill sergeant. And they all did. It would motivate me, I think. I want to please this guy. I get you would not believe how many Christmas cards I get every year how many Of upwards of 2000 2000 Christmas cards a year. Yeah, what around 2500? I think I get a year wow around as many as years since Christmas was invented boy that's true
Starting point is 00:22:42 I had thought about that Wow Christmas. It was a long time ago Yet still well Christmas was invented. Poison that's true, I hadn't thought about it. Wow, Christmas, it was a long time ago. Yeah, still. Well, I don't know. I don't want to add. Well, where were you going with that? Because I was curious. Well, the first one was a long time ago, but I mean, technically the last one was not that long ago.
Starting point is 00:22:55 Oh, this would be a commercial for the very first Christmas. Oh, okay. Oh, you didn't say that. Yeah, yeah. No, I did. That's fair. So that's so frustrating. That's frustrating. No,'s so that's frustrating.
Starting point is 00:23:07 No, it is frustrating. Yes. That's so great though. Thank you. But yes, it is frustrating because I'd like to I don't I don't expect that I don't I don't dilute myself that I'm all ready to go. Of course, there's a learning curve and I'd like to learn. Well, it seems like there aren't a lot of commercials anymore that have voice over.
Starting point is 00:23:24 You know, even even trailers for movies, you ever watching lot of commercials anymore that have voice over, you know, even trailers for movies you ever watching those like in a world type, type trailers. No one does those anymore, you know. That's true. Now they just have words coming at screen. They also, they try to get you to, when you're filming the movie, they try to get you to film things that explain the movie so they can just use dialogue that used to be explained by a guy like you.
Starting point is 00:23:48 Like this is a world where everything is... Okay, I thought you meant specifically me. They try to get me to do that. No, no, the actors. The actor. They try to get the actors to say dialogue that explains the premise of the movie. Right, and this is the situation you've been in.
Starting point is 00:24:03 Uh, maybe, but... uh, this, I mean, so there's not, I mean, it feels like these jobs are drying up, you know? You know, they really are at, uh, it's sad because, uh, you know, I, if I could, if I could do, my dream job would have been country time lemonade. Country time lemonade.
Starting point is 00:24:23 I don't remember their commercials. Their commercials featured an evocular old man. And he would just talk about country time lemonade, but it lacked, I think at the very end, there should have been something like country time. It's lemonade, you can make it home. Something along those lines. Yeah, country time.
Starting point is 00:24:43 It's a powder that turns into lemonade. I'm tired of going outside for lemonade, you know? Country time, it's indoor, it home. Something along those lines. Yeah. Tree time. It's a powder that turns into lemonade. I'm tired of going outside for lemonade, you know? Cut tree time. It's indoor and outdoor. Cut tree time. Try it in a glass or a bug. I guess the one problem with it being outdoor sometimes bugs could land in it. Cut tree time. So even the bugs love it. I don't know that that's not making me want to buy it at that point, but you don't have to write the copy. You just have to read it, right?
Starting point is 00:25:09 Exactly right. Well, that's the thing. I'm not a copywriter at all, of course. Of course. I just I've just a voice. I've just a pleasant voice and a man who has commanded Arby's. That's right. What's the, what was, do you mind?
Starting point is 00:25:24 I mean, this is maybe classified information, but what's, what's daily? It's yeah, they're real. Wow. Yeah Like they're all over the place really. Yep, like like posing as human by the way, so classified We're allowed to talk about as much of what you know, but why didn't you want to talk about it? It would look like a weirdo But you're you're okay with it. I'm okay I'm too old to be caring about what people think about it. We are all the aliens. They're all over the place. What do they look like? Some of them look like little green guys. Okay.
Starting point is 00:25:50 Some of them look like big tall gray guys. I've never seen any of these. Some of them are like these sort of Nordic looking white guys. Like the dude from a true blood who was in succession this last season. Alexander is a star guard. Scarg, who do you know this? It's not television. What about that?
Starting point is 00:26:11 I love to watch television. You didn't know what American Idol was. No, I don't know. I don't watch that one. Al Jander's car is just pre-mium cable for you. Yeah, I just like, I like Prostee. Premium cable and Ariaster movies. I love horror movies. I love our movies.
Starting point is 00:26:25 I love to be scared. Yeah, what about this? Boo! Oh, you got me. I wish there had been maggots coming out of your mouth. Well, they could come out of your mouth sometimes. I'll take that note for next time. I'm sorry, I have no ins for you, but not a single one, but hopefully someone will hear this program and maybe they are in need of your services.
Starting point is 00:26:50 What do you think? What's something that you think I could do a good voiceover for? Because maybe you have better ideas than I do. If this is recorded, this could be by voiceover audition real. Okay, well, there aren't a lot of those things for general concepts anymore. General concepts. They're pretty scarce. Did you meet anyone named General Concepts in the army? Yes. And what did he do? I met him once very briefly.
Starting point is 00:27:16 Well, he or she. Yeah, I did. I think it's close to find out. How close you have to be to find out. We were on opposite sides of very thick glass. Okay. He volunteered to do it. Is it like ophthalmology glass or Ophthalmology glass. I mean Ophthalmology glass. It's brand new I mean like glasses glass, you know like those thick coke bottle glasses that are that distort nevermind. Cool, that's interesting. To, to, I never
Starting point is 00:27:48 occurred to me to describe seeing something through glasses as seeing it on the other side of some glass. But I guess that's true. Yeah, I mean, I sort of mix a lot once, saying about throwing them on the glass. I bet him too. Did you mean sir mix them up? Really? Yes. What were the circumstances? Well, we were both on a trade because he's a free to flag. He is really? Yes, and I swear I would never step footed a plate again because once I became a general, you're really encouraged to despise the Air Force.
Starting point is 00:28:15 And so I said. And you're a general and he's a lord. Well, he's a sir. Sir's not a lord. He's a knight. He's a knight, he's a knight. He's a knight, yes. He has a way knight. Way knight is also a knight, yes, that's on a little. He's a knight. He's a knight, he's a knight. He's a knight, yes. Uh, it's Wayne Knight.
Starting point is 00:28:26 Wayne Knight is also a knight, yes, that's right. Wayne, you don't call him Sir Wayne Knight. That's weird, isn't it? Knights are weighed. Wouldn't that be nice to call that? Knights are weighed. Wade Knight. Why don't you call something else?
Starting point is 00:28:38 So you are on this train to Sir Mix a lot. That's right. It was a cross-country tree trip. Which country? The United States of America. Okay? The United States of America. Okay. The United States of America. Get there by trade.
Starting point is 00:28:49 From other places? I guess Canada. Sure. See, I have trains up from Mexico, I wonder. Oh, that sounds like fun. Sounds like a lot of fun. Fly down to Mexico, take a train all the way back up. Motor take the train down there.
Starting point is 00:29:02 No, I'm a one way train guy. It sure makes a lot of shit. I think by the time you're done with the train, there. No, I'm a one way train guy. Sir makes a lot of shit. I think by the time you're done with the train, you're like, fuck this, I don't want to go back. The trade, fuck this. I don't want to go back. So going down and then realizing you have to go all the way back and I just plan back up.
Starting point is 00:29:18 And also, I would take the played back up because I feel like the played is used to going up. That's a good point. The trade is used to going flat. Yeah, so good point. The train is used to going flat. Yeah, so down, it's like, okay, well maybe it has breaks. I hope so. I don't know a lot about trains. What do we know about trains?
Starting point is 00:29:33 Let's list the things. So it makes a lot of travels exclusively by them. Okay. They're not free. They're robbed by cowboys. Okay. They go into tunnels. Yep.
Starting point is 00:29:43 And that makes you think of sex. Right. Are those two separate things, or is that one thing? Which, they go into tunnels and that makes you think about sex. Because right now I've heard three things that you know about trains. If we count that last thing as one thing.
Starting point is 00:29:56 Oh, I bet specifically going into tunnels makes you think about sex. For a trade-go-subter to be told, not that trade just by themselves make you think about sex. No, I, okay. Although, now they will, after themselves make you think about sex. No, I, okay. Although, now they will, after this conversation. Just any train, I'll go.
Starting point is 00:30:09 I think so, because I think in my mind, I'll make the connection. Tunnel strains, yeah. Is that all the extent of what you know about trains? Let me think, let me think, they go clickety-clack. And they also go chuchu. Okay, yeah, two noises.
Starting point is 00:30:21 Kaboosh. Kaboosh, but what does that mean? That's the end of the train. That is the end of the train, is it not? Yes. That's right. Okay, so, two noises. Kaboosh. Kaboop, but what does that mean? That's the end of the trade. That is the end of the trade, is it not? Yes. That's right. Okay, so these are, this is, I mean, you have a good handle.
Starting point is 00:30:31 Kaboosh, it's the end of the trade. You have a good handle on a trade. That's right. Every trade ends in a Kaboosh. That's sort of like every kiss begins with K. It's a good point, yeah. But I can't sing, so I can't do. Okay, what if you tried to sing?
Starting point is 00:30:45 Every trade ends with caboose. Oh man, is that good? No. Thank you for your candor. So, okay, I would tell you if you were bad at something and you know what, you're great at the voiceover thing. Thank you. Your voice is so pleasing and so comfortable.
Starting point is 00:30:59 I appreciate that. I wish that there were more of these types of jobs, but if you're out there listening to Comedy Bang and Bang and you have a need of this gentleman's services, his name is Abernathy Combs, how do people get a hold of you? They can go to my website. What is your website?
Starting point is 00:31:14 It is Not net, okay? Yes, and there you'll see my about page, which has a picture of me. If you go to the photos page, that's the same picture of me. Okay, and who took this photo? My late wife. And what were the circumstances that she took this?
Starting point is 00:31:30 I said, oh, well, I said, I said, I'm going to go read the paper. And she said, photo time. That's exactly, have I told you the story before? No, no, I've just said a photo time. And I turned around and she took my photo. So the photo is you sort of my space Tom looking Yeah, take over with it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Is it you have a paper? I'm holding the paper instead of a computer like Tom did
Starting point is 00:31:53 That's right. You're looking over your shoulder. Yeah, okay. Yeah, and I use that on my my space page as well Right. Okay. Well, I mean, yeah, it's not bad. My top eight was only my wife Eight times. Yes, you have no other friends. I it's not bad. My top eight was only my wife. Eight times. Yes. You have no other friends? I did, but they're not top eight material. Oh, yeah, how did they receive that news? They understood.
Starting point is 00:32:13 I mean, everyone loved my wife. Really? Oh, she was a wonderful woman. She was a wonderful old lady and everyone adored her. Do you mind? I know we're coming up on a break, but do you mind me asking what was her story? She was a piano teacher and also a former member
Starting point is 00:32:28 of Steel Team Six. And did those overlap ever? Frequently. Frequently, frequently she would get, you know, she would be, have to go on to cover sometimes. Yeah, she would be on a mission, a covert mission, and that you would get a call from a kid who was like, I'm gonna be late to cover sometime. Yeah, she would be on a mission, a covert mission, and then she would get a call from a kid who was like, I'm gonna be late to piano practice,
Starting point is 00:32:48 and she was like, I'm not gonna be there. You know, and then it turns out the little boy had, or girl had mis-regard the schedule that thought that they were there for today. But I also, I would say to my wife, she should probably keep your ringer off during these covert missions. Yeah, probably. Yeah, would that ever get her in trouble ever? Yes, she got she got chewed out by her CEO many times
Starting point is 00:33:10 I mean, that's not the worst thing that can happen is just being chewed out by you so she was in the military as well Yes, that's where you guys met. Yeah, we met at a military convention a convention. Yep If you're in the military, there's they do it every At SEAL Team 6, they must be like rock stars there. Yes. Oh, absolutely. People love SEAL Team 6. Wow. And they come out there. They wear the wet suits there, you know, like waving it everybody. They're good. How wet do those suits get? Well, they, I know that they right before they go out of the convention floor, they will dump water on themselves. I bet though. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:46 It's got to look so good. And they'll act like they just killed someone. Oh, I gotta ask. Did she get Osama bin Laden? Is she one of the people who got in? She was, all I could say is she was instrumental in advising them to kill Osama bin Laden. She's the one who told them they should kill us out of the line. You got to get really good.
Starting point is 00:34:07 Wow, she's famous. I mean, she was. She's no longer with her. How did she pass away? It's hard for me to talk about. It's okay. You don't have to. I mean, I.
Starting point is 00:34:20 Oh, really? No, I kind of want to take it. Oh, okay. All right. My wife, you know, she lived a long time. She was a hundred and three when she died. That was 25 years ago. And she talked to us.
Starting point is 00:34:33 Apparently before her someone attacked her. That's why she said you got a realist guy. Okay, so she did it first. If only they'd listen to her. But she, she She taught piano ramp until the end. Wow And she was teaching a girl scales and She got all the way up to
Starting point is 00:35:01 T T And before she could get to, no. She would kill my sniper's bullet. No. Yes, right in our home. I'm so sorry. In 1998, who was this sniper? Was this related to her time in the service or was this just a random time?
Starting point is 00:35:24 It was related to her time in the service and it was a badwill storyega loyalist. No. Oh, terrible story. The one guy who still believed in badwill do orega terrible story. And you guys had five years together you said five beautiful years. Yeah. It's married in 1993. That's right. Yeah. When you're 53 years. That's right. It was apparently a big scandal. Yeah. We would just we would just get together wait for cheers to go off the air. Honey, cheers is going off the air. Yeah. Wow. Well, I got to say, you're a fascinating guy, Aberdeen. I'm just be. Can you stick around because we have to take a break here?
Starting point is 00:36:07 Sticking around. I can do it. Wonderful. Okay, well, we have a couple of great guests coming up after the break. We have an entertainer. We also have a private investigator. Oh, sounds juicy. Oh my goodness.
Starting point is 00:36:19 What we're gonna hear about from either of these two. I cannot imagine, but we have to take a break before Before we get to them, we'll be right back. Abernathy Combs will still be here. We'll have an entertainer and a private investigator. Big pack show. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. This. This.
Starting point is 00:36:35 This. This. This. A commercial. You just heard one. You just heard of comedy bang bang. It was good. Yeah, I mean, a commercial for commercials.
Starting point is 00:36:44 It's getting a little Meta-text towards me. There's awards for commercials. Why not commercials for commercials? What about awards for awards? What about awards for? There must be. Like that Emmy you you awarded was so good. Here's an Emmy. If you if you were to have an award show That's just for the awards just for the awards themselves. Who do you think would win best award? Well, I think that you should go back to like certain awards and be like, that award doesn't hold up. Like, you know what I mean? Like the racist award. No, I mean like, you know, they don't know, thankfully, not after the summer of 2020. All right, well, let's get to our next guest. We're here with Abernathy Holmes. He's a commercial VO actor, but we need to get to an anchor.
Starting point is 00:37:25 Bigger Scost. She's an entertainer. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Ursula. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi, this is Abernathy as well. Say hello to Abernathy.
Starting point is 00:37:36 Hello Ursula. Wonderful to meet you. It's wonderful to meet you. I can't tell you. Say the same things at the same time. Same things at the same time. It's just that. You two are on the same page. Same thing at the same time. Same thing at the same time. You two are on the same page. Saying things on the same page.
Starting point is 00:37:50 I just did it. So great to meet you Ursula. You're an entertainer. I don't have any information on you other than that. My producer just wrote down entertainer and then walked away. And I thank you for not commenting on my physical appearance. You know, neither of you have screamed, which is unusual.
Starting point is 00:38:07 Yeah, I usually wait to comment on my female guest's physical appearance for about five minutes. Well, you can't say anything these days, can you? Yeah, hey, I wasn't going to say it because you can't even say that. Well, I can, and I'm a woman. And a woman, sort of technically, a woman of color as well. What color is that purple? Is that a color? I was going to mention it, but yeah, lavender really.
Starting point is 00:38:33 Yeah. I thought that would go away. I would stay away for me. Well, that wasn't the intended. It's a new tagline, but that seems to be what's happening. Thank you for noticing Abernathy. I tell you what? Tell me. Yeah. What is your story? Well, you might know me from my documentary, the little mermaid.
Starting point is 00:38:54 I wasn't heavily featured, but I'm Ursula, the seawish. Oh, yeah. Well, no longer. Oh, you, you are, you were in, I thought it was just, it was like a Disney cartoon. Well, they made it a card. You know how they do those. They make things on Facebook, little cartoons so that you can really take it in. So the same technology is what they do when they make you on Facebook, a cartoon.
Starting point is 00:39:20 Yes, yes. In order to show a terrible atrocity, they put it in cartoon form. Yes, that's the same technology they used for this. Exactly. So you are the Ursula who, and remind me, I remember some of the details you lived under the sea. And, you were the poor unfortunate souls woman. That's right. Oh, you know my work. Scott Scott Wait, Ursula. Yeah, I love your show too. Oh, thank you so much. Yes. Where are you in seal see which six? That was me. How did you know I have my wife? I think cross paths with with your T one time. Yes. Oh my god seal team six and see which six You came up and that's like aliens versus versus Predator, whoever wins we lose.
Starting point is 00:40:05 Please apologize to her many comrades. I will. I did not mean to suck them into my giant Octo vagina, but I did it. It was poor, unfortunate souls. Poor unfortunate souls. So you had a giant Octo vagina in that film, that's the main takeaway from the former minute.
Starting point is 00:40:22 That's right, and unfortunately, well, for some people, I still do. Oh from the whole mermaid. That's right, and unfortunately, well, for some people, I still do. Oh, however, I'm on land now, as you can see, as you can well see. Well, this was my question when I watched the little mermaid. I'm like, okay, Ursula, fascinating character. She can turn people with fish legs into human legs.
Starting point is 00:40:40 Well, that's where the problem started. Yeah, why didn't you do this for yourself? I did, Scott. Now, that's where the problem started. Yeah, why didn't you do this for yourself? I did. Scott. Now what happened if you'll notice with the little mermaid is one tail equals two legs. So I wasn't really thinking when I performed the spell on myself, eight legs equals 16 legs on land. Oh, no, I haven't, I haven't looked down below. I'm looking. If you I'd like many tarantulas dancing. I'm looking in your eyes, of course. I thought you would. Which is where I look on a woman. Or I drop there. You can't look anywhere these days. I thought you were wearing a like an elaborate hoops skirt. No, that was a my legs.
Starting point is 00:41:21 Like you're in an old-west stunt show or something. Well, I those are still popular. I love to get it all that. You're only free with reference for a skirt. Yeah. Anytime I see one, I'll go there. You're in an old West stunt show or something. Although the women in the aren't usually the ones doing the stunts like falling off the buildings and stuff like that. Well, she's different world now. I think they are. It's a well, the water world stunt show, they're doing everything, they're driving the jet skis. Women, now they can fall off of buildings.
Starting point is 00:41:49 Underwater stunt show, that sounds right up my alley. Yeah, I mean, I'll put you in touch with Universal Studios if you like. Oh, look, I got a connect. I got a connect. I got a connect. I'm going to put me in touch with anyone in the voice. I was going to say immediately, immediately,
Starting point is 00:42:03 and I didn't even ask. I'm going to say immediately immediately. I didn't even ask. Excellent. Ursula, so you performed this? Is it a spell or is it surgery? The documentary doesn't go into that. Well, there's yet to be a documentary on the spell I did on myself. I did the spell and then I didn't realize that this would be what happened. So here I am. I live in a double wide. I would have gotten a single wide. Look at all the legs. So if you only had two legs, you would have lived in a single wide tray.
Starting point is 00:42:34 Absolutely. I go, well, I thought that looked very fun. I chose it fun because there are people I know who are like, oh, man, I just bought, I don't have a home anymore. I just bought a trailer and I live in that. Seems like it would get really boring. These people, you know, well, no, I've heard of them. I would dissociate with people like that.
Starting point is 00:42:52 I think trailers on the latest house, actually. Trailer. Trailer. Oh, so this is fun. It's just competing for your jobs. Well, I won't compete for your job. I'll tell you what, I had my own reality show. You might have heard of it, an Octo wife. No, I didn't compete for your job. I'll tell you what I had my own reality show You might have heard of an octo wife. No, I didn't hear I've heard
Starting point is 00:43:08 I've heard Now cancel now cancel I've not canceled but soon to be I bet I'm so sorry What what was octo wife about well about me and my many husbands how many husbands have you had well so far 35 on land, but They keep mysteriously disappearing and rumor has it. It's my fault rumors are true by the way. Okay. So it is your fault.
Starting point is 00:43:32 Well, are me and my vagina the same thing because it's my vagina's fault. Men get in. They don't get out. Do you have by the way, do you have eight vaginas now or is it? Or is it purely below the below the vagina? Just the one. Would it be fortunate you have eight vaginas now or is it purely below the The one would it be fortunate to have eight vaginas? Well, you could really serve as a lot of men that way I really only do one at a time, but you don't sail down this Vagin open a town plan to come back to the time
Starting point is 00:43:57 What the eight is like a 20th time if I wanted but would they be willing? Okay, so men are so strange about that. It's gay for 20 of us to enter your vagina at the same time. That would be gay. Oh gosh, she would be like a gay army. Let's attack her vagina together. Gaili. Well, I'm sorry you only have one vagina in your vagina, but I could order it. Thank you. But why have you had 35 husbands here on land? Well, because I keep sucking them into my womb, they don't come back out after that. What is the process here if you don't mind me asking about this? Well, I meet a man.
Starting point is 00:44:33 Okay, I don't know that we need to go that far back, but I was an egg. Wait, you were an egg? Yes, originally. And by the way, Abernathy, I say egg is well. I don't say egg egg egg egg egg egg Not egg. What are you saying this earlier? Yes, I what? I'm just trying to hear this Are you very old and don't remember? Yeah? Confisation I admit my don't inch egg egg egg egg
Starting point is 00:45:03 Now you seem to have switched egg well no, I'm saying both because now I can't remember which what I say I say How do you what do you say for S.Y. Are you P? What's that Oh, they don't have the under the sea they don't have that under the sea I know it's it's a liquid in your... But I do love it on land. And I don't say syrup. I say syrup. Seer up.
Starting point is 00:45:30 Seer up. I was asked this question once, and I still to this day don't know which one I say. Because it doesn't really come up in conversation all that much. You know what I mean? It does it. Like it really only comes up if you're having a particular breakfast food.
Starting point is 00:45:43 Right. And not even then sometimes. It's true. I think I grew up saying syrup. Why wouldn't you say that particular breakfast food? You said it like it was a breakfast food that cannot be named like Voldemort? Yes. Waffles are. Don't say waffles. Voldemort. Why is this nutrition breakfast? But I'm transitioning now. To what? That's very trendy right now. Well, but some people are against it. You've misunderstood. You've misunderstood. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm transitioning from a reality show to being a stand up. That's what I meant.
Starting point is 00:46:21 Also very tricky. But some people are against it. Well, yes, that's true. It's true. I'm also very tricky with it. Awesome, very tricky. But some people are against it. Well, yes, that's true. It's true. I'm definitely against it. I know, I will be honest. Not in your case, Ursula. No, just wait to hear my stuff. I think let's think of the transitions from a stand-up to, or no, from real-ease start to stand-up.
Starting point is 00:46:39 You have Theo Vaughan. That's cool. You have Christine from Road Rules. I know all these names. Tom Siger's wife. I cannot remember her last name, but very talented. Was she a reality person? Yes.
Starting point is 00:46:53 From Road Rules. Oh, I see. You have that one lady from Fenderpup Rules did a sketch that time. Oh, in the improv lab. You have on the bachelor when they go into a comedy club. Oh, while the bachelor's do, do like roast is that true? Yeah. What about that? I said, bo burn him. Wasn't he a YouTube star? That's not the same thing. I think. Well, shot, shot in the heart. Yeah, you're to blame. But the bodvi story. Oh, I'd love to suck on Jovey.
Starting point is 00:47:26 Oh, my God. Remember the Cosby mysteries? They should reboot it as the Bajovi mysteries. Because seconded. Now we're John Bajovi. Just goes around the country solving mysteries. I'd watch. Lay me down on a bed of roses and let me have that program. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:47:45 So wait, so you're getting into stand-up comedy now? I am. What type of stand-up do you do? Well, would you like to hear a few jokes? I'd love to. Wow. Oh, right. You're coming in with material.
Starting point is 00:47:55 All right. Well, the last man I was with got excited I could squirt. When I explained it was actually a squid of my pussy shooting ink, he was horrified. Well, don't put loves animals in your dating profile, man. I like that you're tagging your jokes too. Several punchlines in one. This is good. Are you ready for another one? Can I just ask about the, are you all right? Have you stopped drinking water since you made the transition? Yeah, you look very bad.
Starting point is 00:48:29 Well, you know, I never had to drink water and see it's I have to I forget. Exactly. Because you're under the sea. Not my song again. Do you want, look, other songs exist. Yes, and I do it. I do an impression. I don't know if you know this but I do an impression of jewel. Of the singer jewel who used to live in a van, much like you? Down by the river? Yes, I do an impression of her. She had been in elementary school diary, a mom's set it, a word hurts, oh, a papapilla ate it, a flutterside, milk, milk, lemon, egg, the corn, a fudge, is like...
Starting point is 00:49:21 That's it! I like it! And very timely. I know. I know. I thought I'd go. I added a tag. I tried to make it even longer. Put this into the absolute. I didn't know how to make a real on Instagram
Starting point is 00:49:34 so I wasn't able to post it. Those are impossible to make. Oh, they pay. I see other people making 50 minute ones and they gave me a minute. I don't understand. Yeah. What is the hierarchy here?
Starting point is 00:49:44 Do you know if you do it as a post, it will end up in reels, but you have a limited time. Not, how do you make a video as a post? Guys, guys, guys, don't care about it. Talk off air about this, please. I tried to make a TikTok, but I tell you what, that site, that site's not even pretty to look at, I couldn't figure it out.
Starting point is 00:50:04 All right out all right your corporate chaos you doing it's important to your gay on so if you try if you try to promote yourself you have four different social medias to do now it's tiring I know I know I know thanks fall apart the center can outhold are you on are you all on blue sky I love love it. I love it on blue sky. I got an invitation. I prefer blue sea, but that's just Oh Okay, you really let us in there
Starting point is 00:50:33 No, I have a question for you Scott. Yes. How many crabs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Eight am I supposed to guess her? I'd just say how many? Honey, if I could get a show of a man to do anything around the house, I wouldn't worry about doing the math. Oh. Last success. Is it a big hearty laugh for a verse one? If you can't laugh for yourself,
Starting point is 00:50:57 you've already lost. If no else will, you should do it yourself. Laughing. Laughing. That's a good one. Laughing. You were virtually ordered yeah it's a new new twist our old favorite this is pretty good do you have do you have more oh I've got so many more I don't want to hear that but it gives a few more what do you call
Starting point is 00:51:20 the woman with 16 legs then my my experience, you don't. My answering machine is positively empty. Okay. Hmm. It's not getting a lot of life. It's not a laugh, not a laugh from there. All right, let's see, I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm not an easy laugh, I have to say.
Starting point is 00:51:39 Okay, we're gonna try another one. Okay. I was reading about these forever chemicals in the news. Is this what? Forever chemical. I was reading about these forever chemicals in the news. Once they get inside you, they never leave. And I thought, well, how is that different than the men I sleep with? I mean, talk about a shipwreck. I don't get them. Well she's specific to her experience. She's sucking them inside of her vagina. It's specific is how I say.
Starting point is 00:52:11 Oh, you say specific as specific as the right. That's right. But this should break part of your okay. Let me try and let me try. Sometimes I miss my life under the sea. Under the sea. But then again, all I have to do is ask a man to open up about his emotions in order to see a flounder.
Starting point is 00:52:28 Do you miss flounder? I did like flounder, you know. He was okay, right? That idiot mermaid didn't appreciate him at all. I know. So you cross paths with flounder because it's like the whole tertiary cast of the little mermaid, you don't imagine them running into Ursula all that much because you only see you Interact with one character the documentary really didn't show all that was to see you know
Starting point is 00:52:52 Flossom jets and by the way there shit shoes now. That's my spell on them. You turn them into shit shoes into shit shoes They was an easy spell. Oh, how easy? I said, shit, too, bitch, you turn you into a little dog. I did one just in case it didn't work. And then it did. Sorry, I did the second. Wow, well, I don't know. I mean, you measure, measure twice. Cut what? That's right. You started strong with that first joke. I thought was very well. Wow. So you feel I'm going to the audition. And then the audition returns. Let's see what else I've gotten up my vagina. I almost got arrested for selling pop ones. But I said, do you see weed around here?
Starting point is 00:53:36 Do you see weed? I look, I think you may be one of those one-joke comics. No, no. One joke that was really good and then things. I should do this for a living and then... What are the other examples? I did. I used to come across questions.
Starting point is 00:53:56 Oh, okay. All right. No, I said. Look, I admit that in the past I've been a nasty, but I've been proved. Scott, I've been proved. Look, here, I've got one more. Okay. This one's topical.
Starting point is 00:54:08 Oh, ready. More like tropical. Wow, that's a good one. That's a good one. Is it? Scott, I love your show. I meant to actually do this one first and do it. Wait, so this is a joke that you have to do to me?
Starting point is 00:54:21 Yes. That will make you topical. Okay. You know, I dated the comedian once. joke that you have to do to me. That will make you topical. You know, I dated the comedian once. Well, technically, he was a clown fish, but now that we don't differentiate between clowning and comedy, I guess it counts. Okay, so that that's kind of a commentary on a recent phenomena of in a very localized. kind of a commentary on a recent phenomena of... In a very localized book. Very local. In Los Angeles sort of...
Starting point is 00:54:46 I know, I know where my audience is. I live in Calabatic, I'm near LA. I want to make sure I can get to a really Hollywood club and say, oh, are there any clowns in the audience? I don't know. And the fact that you have to do it to me, I'm not always gonna be there in the audience. Scott, you're really letting me down. I can come to maybe one show and I don't know that I want to go to one. I'll tell you what,
Starting point is 00:55:15 come over to my place and I'll make sure you're always somewhere in the room if I'm there. What? She's going to swallow you. You're gonna ruin that. That's right. I've been happy. Thank you for keeping up. I don't want to be swallowed by your vagina. I'm sorry. I have a nice life outside of your vagina. I can't imagine one inside.
Starting point is 00:55:34 Well, that no one who's up there could imagine it either, but it's like Pinocchio's way a lot. Are they still alive down there? Like Pinocchio's? You can feel them. You'll have many friends. Can you hear them? Can you hear them nice?
Starting point is 00:55:45 Can you hear the people saying let's listen here wait? I'll put my vagina up to the mic and let's see what we hear. Oh God that is it Jimmy Jimmy what are you doing up there? was Shimi what are you doing up there? I don't know man. Do you still have to go? I gotta go? Okay, no, what are we haven't seen you recently Shimi?
Starting point is 00:56:12 He was a dog. He was a dog. How did you get Shimi was lost in the year-old studios for a long time? How did you swallow him up in your vagina? Well, you know, I went on a date with a man who said I wasn't allowed to tell anybody where I'd seen him. Oh Shimmy god, he was a musician. I Guess he still is he's still alive up there. Oh, well, I hear you're a fiddle from time Look, I I
Starting point is 00:56:36 Ursula I don't want to be swallowed by your vagina I don't want to come to even one of your shows, but I wish you luck. Well, thank you And you will hook me up as you said. Yeah, of course. Yeah, definitely will hook you up with universal studio. That's like a fish joke. Hook you up. Hook lied and sink up. Where did you do your closure?
Starting point is 00:56:56 Yeah, unfortunately, I think it was the one to me. Oh, wait, you have more in there. I must have a closer in here somewhere. Oh, no. The worst thing to hear a comedian say. And I have heard that many times. Oh, here's a closer. What do you call a French mermaid on land?
Starting point is 00:57:15 What? A total beach. Oh, it works. I didn't expect them to get worse. I thought she bounced back. Well, Ursula, the former CWitch is here. Good luck to you. I'm sorry about your reality show, but hopefully you'll find an audience for these jokes. I can't imagine. I, I, whoa, I mean, no, Abbernaf is just losing his shit. He's loving it. I'll hook you up. I'll hook you up over there at Universal Studios. We have to take a break though.
Starting point is 00:57:48 When we come back, we have a private investigator. It's very, so I don't know whether either of you have the need for a private investigator, but we'll be meeting one right after the break. Oh, I suspect my wife is in a live. And why is it? I'd hate a loved one. Why would you think she's still alive?
Starting point is 00:58:03 She'd be 128. No, I forget I shouldn't be. Okay, well, we'll be right back with more Ursula the former seawitch more Abernathy coms will be right back with more comedy bang bang after this Comedy bang bang we're back ads it happened again We'll never get rid of them, will we? I hope not. Do you think there will ever be like the last ad? You know how like there's the last airbender? Yes.
Starting point is 00:58:30 The last ad. That's interesting. What's the last ad vendor actually in the last airbender? Didn't they make more movies after that? Well, maybe they made more movies, but when that airbender dies, that's it for airbender. Yes, it wasn't called the last airbender movie. Oh, you're right. It was a movie about the last airbender.
Starting point is 00:58:49 I never understand at all. So you saw the last airbender. And then I was horrified that there was a sequel. I felt like I've been lied to. Did I see her red itary? Yes, now is it remind me, is that the one where the woman wears a trash of flowers on her hair and burns her bare body up that it No, unfortunately that is the one that I was thinking of that is
Starting point is 00:59:11 Mid-so-mah-mid-so-mah I did not like that you did not like mid-so-mah no It's terrifying look I don't know I know that I'm a terrifying Person whatever you want to call me, but I don't like to be terrified. Well, I would imagine seeing flames that you don't see them under the water. I had never seen them. Yeah. I'd heard that little mermaid go on and on. She wants to see a fire of all things to want to see.
Starting point is 00:59:35 It's the one that I don't remember that in the song. I want to be where the fire is raging. What's a fire and why does it burn? Oh, there is something where she goes, what is that word? Yes, and I thought, that's your question. What about why do people talk about things that are small when they have actual feelings? That's my question. Okay, I don't know, this is worthy of the act.
Starting point is 01:00:00 I'm not always on scott, I am in fact just existing just I would prefer if you were always on to be frank Because at this point it's been about 25 75 Well, so thanks fushie here. Oh, that's what he said All right, well, let's get to our next guest. He's a private investigator. I wonder what do you investigate? This is for the first time on the show. This is very exciting. Let's talk to the private investigator. Please welcome Ken lunch. Hello. Hi, I got to are you. Great. I'm great. It's very nice to meet you. This is Abernathy. Oh, hello. This is Ursula the former sea witch. Hello, Ken. Hello. FKACWitch. F formerly known as sea witch. Sounds good to me. Yeah. It doesn't really meeting each other. We just did it. Yep.
Starting point is 01:00:49 Indeed we have. Yeah. Hey Ken, so nice to meet you. Ken Lunch. Interesting name for an interesting fellow. Well, it's um, Scotch Irish. Oh, okay. Next question. It's, can I ask is it related to, you know, how people's jobs used to be their surnames? Oh, yeah. Can I ask, is it related to, you know how people's jobs used to be their surnames? Oh, yeah. Did you... Like Harry Potter. Did you come from a family that invented the concept of lunch? You know, no, I mean... Because, you know, Earl Sandwich.
Starting point is 01:01:13 He's the first Earl of Sandwich. Oh, was that his name? Well, there was an area. I thought it was Earl Sandwich. Like Count Monte Cristo. Yeah. The guy who invented the money. Chris, yeah. Sandwich.
Starting point is 01:01:28 That's right. Before Earl Sandwich invented the real sandwich. I don't think so. You don't think so. OK, so you don't think you know him? Is that what you're saying? I certainly don't know him. No, yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:39 Anyway, but I have a question. Well, because before. They're really piling up. Before Earl Sandwich invented the sandwich. What did people have for lunch? Did I rhetorical or I'm wondering maybe I Think probably the same ingredients, but just all spread out over. Oh, God That sounds so To mess, but the name doesn't come from any sort of trade or anything like that
Starting point is 01:02:04 It was just a family name because my name does my coms comes from we by family were the first people sell coms to at a time So they didn't invent a com. Oh, no The code existed first to sell to it a time. Yes, that's correct. Why do you want to connect it to Sean? Puffy coms. Yes, it is. Yes, so he used to sell coms to it at times as well. Well, his family. His family. Yeah. Okay.
Starting point is 01:02:29 Interesting. No, but the name is just simply, the name is simply lunch. I've heard all the jokes, but there's, you know, it doesn't come from anything else. It's just simply a family name. What are some of the jokes, though? Oh, you know, on the playground. Hey, lunch box or, oh, a good joke. Well, they got that. It's like a good deal. Oh, don't try joke. Well, they got
Starting point is 01:02:45 I'm gonna steal it. Oh All right, you try to well there's hey Lunch box. How'd you like to crawl up here into my vagina? I'll eat you up instead of this burrito. I brought in my purse. You're sticking burritos into your vagina How else do you think I eat? Through your mouth have it have you not done that since you've been on land eat? Through your mouth? Have you not done that since you've been on land eating something through your mouth? It's less fun.
Starting point is 01:03:11 Well, that's how we eat under the sea. It hadn't occurred to me. It would be the same up here. The one where I get thrown out of every soup plantation I go into. Every single soup plant? Every single one. Those are all closing, right? Because of the name?
Starting point is 01:03:24 I believe so. Oh, yeah. Well, you make a good point. Shukid. Prior to investigator. Well, to the stars. Uh, no, not not not at all. In fact, um, quite the opposite. I am more, you know, I started out in a sort of a neighborhood watch program in my community.
Starting point is 01:03:42 And I ascended, also I moved up in the ranks and now I'm a personal private investigator for parents who wanna know if their teens are sexually active. So you're a PPI for peas. Personal? Pubescent? Oh no, no, no, personal private I for parents. You've got it.
Starting point is 01:04:02 Okay. Kevin, I could help you out with this. No, not Kevin. It's not Kevin. It's Ken've got it. Kevin, I could help you out with this. No, not Kevin. It's not Kevin. It's Ken. It was Ken. It's Kevin without the Vi, but he's a Vi. I've lost his trust all really.
Starting point is 01:04:11 It's Kevin without the Vi. I love it. I might use it. Tell me what you're hearing. What I hire him. You can put that on your business card. I haven't needed an ad or anything because business is booming,
Starting point is 01:04:21 but I suppose I could if you wanted your first job ever. I would love that. And are you hiring him to record it once or to hang out with you and say it a lot? I think the hanging out sounds nice. I didn't thought of it that way, and that's the angle I'd like to go with now. It could be pleasant.
Starting point is 01:04:37 Yeah. Let's get to know each other as he would happen. What's your first shot at it for what I do? In a real simple jingle. Oh, okay. So your private investigator, correct? Yeah. And you investigate, is it exclusively,
Starting point is 01:04:51 you're seeing if teens are having sex? Teens, yes. Over the age of 15, I will not do. Understood. 13, 14. Is that because you think it's immoral for teens? Absolutely. I will, if someone, I absolutely will not do that.
Starting point is 01:05:03 I will say, I do not want your business. Here's half of your money back and I will not if someone, I absolutely will not do that. I will say, I do not want your business. Here's half of your money back and I will not accept the job. Well, how many have? Because they've come in with a deposit. That's already, you've used some of my time. I'm already empty. Yeah. All right, how about this?
Starting point is 01:05:17 Can lunch. If your teams are having sex, he's gonna watch. I love it. I don't need to hear another one. I don't know that that's exactly what you want to be. To be honest, I heard my name and I tuned out and I thought, but it had such a great ring to it, so it's the voice.
Starting point is 01:05:35 Yeah, no, he's got a great voice. To describe your process, if you don't mind, like say Ursula and I are parents. Oh, all right. This sounds fun. Okay, and we come into your office and we give you the deposit up front. Yes. Which is how much?
Starting point is 01:05:50 It's $1,500. Oh. Okay. And again, it's non-refundable unless you somehow bring up a 13 to 15 year old and then you will get half of that back. Wait a minute. Because I will not accept that job. So then, so that's it out for us.
Starting point is 01:06:09 If we go into your office, I know and advertise it. Obviously I wish I hadn't said it now. If we go into your office and we're like, this guy's nuts, we just bring up any 13 to 15 year old. And I will happily send you out of the office and I will not accept the job. And all we have to do is bring him up.
Starting point is 01:06:24 I can just say, you know, I saw a boy the other day. Well, and he was 14 years old. At the most. I don't want to hear about it. Get out. Here's half of your money back. You said you would do it happily, but you were just kind of frowning when you said get out.
Starting point is 01:06:37 Well, I wouldn't, you know, I'm not going to kick you on the way out. I'm going to do it. Oh, that's happy to you. Who are you? My parents? Oh, can I have have a jingle for you? Okay, I didn't need to hear another one, but I'd love to hear it.
Starting point is 01:06:48 Well, that wasn't really a jingle, it wasn't music. That's a tagline. That's a tagline, it's a tagline. Yeah, she's doing jingle. Oh, I'm unfortunate, so these teens, in need, they want to just get their little penises off, but can't. He stops the deed.
Starting point is 01:07:08 Do you stop it? Or do you just inform the parents? Well, these are two different jobs. Good question. Yeah, I have stopped it. Sometimes it's, if I see that it's in motion, I will absolutely make my presence known, and that usually stops it right there. Oh, how do you make your presence known?
Starting point is 01:07:25 So, yeah! Did that scare you, Abernathy? I was a little startled and I loved it. Oh, you love horror movies? I love horror movies. I'm really scared. I do not like it. I wet myself.
Starting point is 01:07:36 Just from that. Just from that. You already come wet. Is that a bud? What did you say? So, God, it's a vuk. Come wet. Which works out for ways if you think about it.
Starting point is 01:07:48 So you just go, uh, and the kids, where are you hiding? How are you seeing this? It depends on the venue of where it is. Say the Coliseum. In Rome or the stadium in here in Los Angeles. Oh, well, I suppose if it was that public, in Rome or the the stadium in here in Los Angeles. Oh, well, I suppose if it was that public,
Starting point is 01:08:09 they probably are pretty brazen regardless. And at that point, you know, I would probably not need to make a big scream like I just did then. I probably would just do a clearing of the throat. Oh, stop it. He scared me. Oh, sorry. I'm scared. Oh,, sorry. I'm scared.
Starting point is 01:08:25 Oh, my God. I'm scared. Oh, my God. I'm scared. So what is your, so what's the process? How do you, do you tail these kids what, sorry to say the word tail around you? I don't have any anymore. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:08:38 And really they were legs. Well, I, it, again, it depends on the circumstance, but I often can... That's what I'm asking about. About these circumstance. Indeed. Describe one. Well, I've often, if you've heard of the term, fishing. Yes. Not the kind of fishing you're thinking of, where it's someone going online and pretending
Starting point is 01:09:01 to be someone else. I was thinking about how I pretend to be a two-legged woman and to get men into my life. Right, right. He's talking about fishing like casting a pole. That's actually, yes, because what will happen is if you take a teen out on a boat for several hours, for several hours, for several hours,
Starting point is 01:09:18 a very long time, they will tell you everything. They will tell you if they're sexually active, they'll tell you if they're having problems at home. So if you take a child, a teen out on a... But a teen between... 16 to 19. 16 to 19. Yes.
Starting point is 01:09:33 When did the legal age become 19? I don't know. I mean, these are just teens. Yeah. I'm not engaged in sexual relations with them. So... Oh, that you would say that we know in the effort that I am nothing to hide. No, it sounds like yeah, something is it odd for me to say that. I mean, you're taking the so your basic process is apparent hires you to
Starting point is 01:09:58 investigate 13 you abduct the team take them, fishing on a lake. Absolutely not. Abducting is your word. I would invite them on the boat as a fellow team. As a fellow, oh wait, so you're pretending to be a team? Absolutely. And, man, I asked, how old are you, kid? 44. All right.
Starting point is 01:10:20 You are very youthful of you. Yeah. Thank you very much. It's kind of a jump street situation here. Well, that's how it works. I don't have to do that much. What do you do to turn the hat backwards? That's it.
Starting point is 01:10:30 That's all I've had to do. So that's far. You've been wearing your hat frontwards this entire time. Well, the ball cap that I'm wearing, yeah. Yeah. And I tried that. Why am I wearing a ball cap?
Starting point is 01:10:38 Thank you. Right now. Well, there is a party city Halloween stores, but not the sales are now. If you want to get something. You're just trying to look older because you're so youthful looking. Does it work? We're not judging you here.
Starting point is 01:10:52 Well, master disguise. Okay, so we're in a bald cap in order to look older because you are so youthful. But then you put a bald cap on top. A bald cap on top. Turn around. Turn around to look young. And then you're in with the youth. And one takes the bald cap off to see the bald cap underneath. Who would around. To look young. And then it's, then it's, you're in with the youth. And one takes the ball cap off
Starting point is 01:11:06 to see the ball cap underneath. Who would take a grown man's or a teen's hat off for no reason? Oh, they're teens. Well, other favorite things to do. Teen boys have tried to grab the hat, but I'm quicker than them. How quick are you?
Starting point is 01:11:19 How, like, what's your lie? What's my mile? Yeah, nine minutes and 13 seconds. That's not quick. Really? I haven't compared it with anyone. So I have no idea. I would have no way to know it. Actually, this is kind of quick.
Starting point is 01:11:29 So I think it's a pretty good fact to be to run a mile and nine minutes. Wait, let me see what the fast. I mean, with all my legs, I should be able to beat that. Can you walk regularly? I mean, if the four-minute mile was an impressive thing. I think you would be fast. This is like three minutes and 43 seconds.
Starting point is 01:11:43 Oh, nine minutes is like six minutes more than that. Come on. I stumbled the first, but picture and the insect. Do they really get around? And they've got a lot of legs. Oh, that's true. The insect. Picture one.
Starting point is 01:11:55 Just one. I know. I'm adding on to your thing. Wait, yes, that's what I want to know. Abernathy. That's interesting. There'll be a question on top of the tagline. How would you PR me or how do you call it tagline me? Okay, you're forborsy witch. That's true. Now
Starting point is 01:12:12 living on land. Are you still a witch? Well, no, I lost my powers. Otherwise, I would have tried to leave. We haven't talked about that. How'd you lose your powers? I didn't know they were related to being underwater. Could you go underwater and they would come back? No, I tried. I couldn't breathe they were related to being underwater. As soon as I got on land. Could you go underwater and they would come back? No, I tried, I couldn't breathe. Oh, well, but maybe your powers would be back without you breathing. Oh, you have to say it.
Starting point is 01:12:32 Say a spell. I see a yes. Oh, no. I'm stuck. Catch 22. Catch 22. That's a book you should read. I actually said the man that's a book engaged
Starting point is 01:12:43 you didn't know. I hate a man's playing catch 22 to you. But it's really interesting. You know, under the sea catch 22 just means how many fish did the net get today? See, this is better. I'm glad you're always on now. I'm always on deck. If that's what you mean.
Starting point is 01:13:03 No. Okay, now you're off. So Ken lunch, so you take these teams out onto the sea, onto the sea. Sure. And you catch fish, and then the team just ends up just telling you everything about whomever they've had sex with. Well, they feel, if they've taken them into my confidence and they've taken me into theirs and they we've got along well You do a locker room talk. Oh, yeah, you know, I bring up, you know, whatever is current of the day, you know
Starting point is 01:13:32 That's not locker room talk is current events. Well, that's what I think of locker room talk I've talked about what's happening to the front of today's newspaper and none He talks about clowning. I guess locker room talk and the front page of newspapers intersected with that Trump tape, the hexas Hollywood tape. But I suppose so I stay at one time, I think. Teen tape politics, I know that. But I'll put a couple of fidget spinners around the phone. They love those.
Starting point is 01:13:58 Yeah. We'll talk about music of the day and what? Oh, Gangdom style. Oh yes. I don't think? Oh, Gangdom style? Oh, yes. I don't think it's even Gangdom. Oh. You should see me do the Gangdom style dance with all my legs.
Starting point is 01:14:12 Oh, I would pay to see that. Oh, well, I wasn't even good at charge, but sure, how much are you willing to pay? $1,500. Oh. This is a good rate. Deals. Somebody's sick.
Starting point is 01:14:23 I'm out that I'm familiar with. so I do throw it around a lot. So you don't know any other amount, like have you ever heard of $1,400? Okay, yeah, okay. Is that a better amount? It's a worse amount. Well, it's better for you if you're spending it. Now golf numbers are lower, it is better. Yeah, yeah, and also when Michael Jackson said bad, he meant good.
Starting point is 01:14:44 Uh-huh. So it's very confusing. I'm following you. I'm following you. You bring up golf with the teens because that doesn't seem it would go. They don't. They don't love it. Some of the. I found one who was a big, is it, uh, uh, uh, uh, I don't know what you're thinking of. Otherwise, I'd help you. Jack Nicholas. He's a big Jack Nicholas fan. Oh, Jack Nicholson is what I think you mean. No, that's, that's the actor. And that's what we had a fun back and forth about that for jenicless he's a big jack nicklaus fan uh... jack nickleton is what i think you mean no that that's the actor and that's what we had a fun back and forth about that for well so that any revealed that he was sexually active
Starting point is 01:15:11 okay this was a team jack nickleton is definitely sexual the team admitted oh my god c-know-what is it just mentioning that jack nickleton is sexually active that's not gonna the team reveal the jack nickleton is sexually active now i know i'm concerned about jack when we had a fun sexually active. That's not gonna. The teen revealed the Jack Nicholson is sexually active. Now I'm curious. I'm concerned about Jack.
Starting point is 01:15:26 When we had a fun, you know, miscommunication about Jack Nicholson versus Jack Nicholson, we had a good laugh and all of a sudden, we were pals at that point and they revealed his sexual activity. Okay, this doesn't sound like a teen to me. This sounds like another ball cap ball cap guy. You can, can you really think that there's another one?
Starting point is 01:15:46 Yes. I think this is a ball cap ball cap sting operation. That's absolute nonsense. If you were in my office right now, I'd say, get out. I was half your money back and I don't want to see you again. And I would do it happily. So half of 1,500 is an amount you've heard of. Well, that's true. I have heard of it.
Starting point is 01:16:08 But honestly, what I do is, you know, I'm generous. I give the money. I put it on the table. I say, take your half. I don't even want to look at it. Are you old? Because now I feel like the the bald the bald cap. What's old? What's old? You said you're... And tread lightly. You said you said, well, a woman is in her prime. Oh, finished the sentence. No, but you said you're what, 40? 44. 44, I feel like you're a 13 year old boy. That's what's pretending to be...
Starting point is 01:16:34 Dick Phillips. Dick Phillips. He's pretending to be... You have a different direction. I thought you were gonna say he's older than he is. No, I think he's a 13 year old boy. Are you all right? Oh my God, Abernabee.
Starting point is 01:16:44 Coffee. Have you been doing it right my god, Abernathy. Coffee. I've been doing it right now. Excuse me. I had helped some of you. They're not happy. Let me hold you. Let me make you feel better. No, don't do that.
Starting point is 01:16:54 Don't get over there. I feel like you're a young boy who's trying to act like a big boy by putting on a bald cap and pretending to be old so you can hang out with these other teens and find out if they're sexually active. Because you think for some reason that I'm this 13 year old boy and I don't know what it's like to be sexually active.
Starting point is 01:17:16 So I wanna find out more information from them. Yes, that's what I'm saying. That's preposterous. I'll tell you what, Ken, if that's true, you're welcome to come over for my lessons. Now, that's not what normal sex is like. Yeah. If you want to hear about normal sex, just ask some Roman.
Starting point is 01:17:31 Sure. Are you going to ask me about a son? Well, son, it's sound presumptuous. I mean, but if I did want to know what it was like in some regard, what's the basic way? Well, 20 if you line up. 20, all right. That's not a figure I'm familiar with. But I don't know if I call that basic.
Starting point is 01:17:50 But for me, it's, you know, it was a wonderful feeling. A 98-year-old woman approached you. So a 20 normal. Yeah, I don't think either of you are the people to ask about sex. I'm the guy to talk to about sex. All right, guys, tell me what sex is like for you and what is... Give me the basics. If it doesn't evolve an elderly woman or a West,
Starting point is 01:18:11 it went astute holding a rifle. I don't know what to for you. Should I have said a man and a woman? Now, when two people feel these feelings, their private parts get sweating, engorged and filled with blood. And every part of it is engorged. I don't know that much about sex. Okay. Wow. I don't know that much about sex okay wow None of us know that much about regular real sex. I have an idea What's your idea? Well if no one at this table really knows about sex Perhaps we could all
Starting point is 01:18:57 Experiment together right now No, we got a large table. I've got, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Oh, I always forget what you men call it. I have to be careful. I've lost a few just running out of the double wide and I call it the wrong thing. What do you call it? Which? We call it a witch. Well, sometimes I call myself that and that definitely makes them run. Well, it can I... I'm nothing to hide.
Starting point is 01:19:42 I think you are hiding your true image. Why would I say that if I'm nothing to hide i i think you are hiding your true and why would i say that if i had something died what can who is a president with your board all uh... who's the president now uh... my president or the actual president all of the uh... maybe this guy is forty three sounds more like you're seventy five uh...
Starting point is 01:20:03 what what you know who's the president when you were born? Oh, it would have had to have been. Lyndon B. Johnson. Mm. Do any of us know if that's correct. I don't, I wouldn't be correct if you were 43. I don't think, but you paused, didn't you? You didn't know it right away.
Starting point is 01:20:20 It would be Ronald Reagan if you were 43. Oh, or if you, I mean, depending on your birthday, it may have been Jimmy Carter because, uh, born in 1980, yeah, uh, Ronald Reagan didn you were 43 or if you I mean depending on your birthday, it may have been Jimmy Carter Because born in 1980. Yeah, Ronald Reagan didn't take off as tell me that's if I was born you were 44. He's 44. You're 40. Why did you say you were 43? I didn't he said the tape. He said 40 I'm 44 years old Yeah, the tape doesn't lie tapes. They don't lie. Well, I yeah, it would be it would be Ronald Reagan. No, it'd be Jimmy Carter if you were 44 Ronald Reagan. Depending on your birthday, it might be Jimmy Carter Jimmy Carter depending on when you're hearing this you might not be with us. Oh, come on. No, I don't think I said maybe Carter maybe you I said I read I do locker room talk. I read today on now. I don't think I said anything. You know what Jimmy Carter? Maybe you are. I said I read, I do locker room talk.
Starting point is 01:21:06 I read today's paper. I know what's going on. Every day's paper. There's a Jimmy Carter watch. Well, there should be anyone on Jimmy Carter watch. It's very true that by the time people are hearing that Jimmy Carter might be under the ground. Well, I think of it.
Starting point is 01:21:21 All right. I can be true of any of us though. That's true. Boy, that's true. I hope I outlived it. That said, a shivered out by spider, I'm delighted. Does he have a dog that would potentially outlive him and sit on top of his grave?
Starting point is 01:21:32 Yeah. That's a good question. We should ask Rosalind. She's there, I don't think she's doing that well either. Maybe, maybe not. We love him though. There are two people who, or at least one person who's devoted his life to service. Maybe she's just watching. Wow. I don't know.
Starting point is 01:21:49 She's just sitting on the couch eating bog bogs the cold free water face. Wonderful to be a wonderful Well, they're not let's nurse. Oh, God. I hope they are losers. I actually hope they are losers too. Yeah, I've changed my mind. So Ken, how's your business doing? Wonderful. I told you it was booming.
Starting point is 01:22:14 I didn't need an ad, but I have one now. Yeah, but how much money is if you made? Oh, let's see. 1500 times. Oh, 12. Times 12, then minus. 12 families? Minus half of that for some. that for some not you think half the families
Starting point is 01:22:27 that come in have 13 year olds no half the money goes to some of the ones who have 13. Oh yeah, that's true. Can't I ask a how long do you have to watch a couple teens before you determine that they are sexually active? That is a great question because it gets into semantics almost of what is sex and when does it become sex? What's the definition of is? Hmm. Speaking of presidents. Um, I, well, you know, when I'm watching, it usually takes between eight and 23 minutes for me to decide if it is sex or not.
Starting point is 01:22:58 So it's all within one day. It's not, this is not like a, you have to tail them for multiple days. Oh, no, no, no, I can tell. That's one of my gifts. I can tell right away if it you have to tail them for multiple days. Oh, no, no, I can tell that's one of my gifts I can tell right away if it's going to be amorous or not you've seen a teenage boy have sex for 23 minutes Can you give him her number in fact? And tell him to bring his whole class and tell him to bring his whole class. Whole class.
Starting point is 01:23:24 Meal trip. I can do sex ed, you just have to. It's just more in womb experience. You have a guy named Ed in there as well. I have sure I do. And what is sex? Well, I mean, is it all a natural counter? Sure, I mean, if you can't answer it, I suppose I can.
Starting point is 01:23:42 Sex for a teen. Imagine a parent saying, oh, just a world that's okay. Well, I interview the parents first about what they like to know and how much they'd like to find out. And also, if they want to know if your teen is sexually active and if that's a good thing or not, for some of them, that's good. Why are they hiring you?
Starting point is 01:23:57 Yeah, that's a good question. Is it like, are they trying to put an end to it? They're trying to put a stop to it? Or they're trying to encourage it? They're trying to put a halt to it? Every family's different. Most of the time, they're trying to put a stop to it, or they're trying to encourage it. They're trying to put a halt to it. Every family's different. Most of the time, they want to stop it. All right.
Starting point is 01:24:08 Sometimes though, it's a no hard feeling situation where they're trying to get there. Absolutely. Yeah. Which was based on an actual Craigslist. That's right. I had to believe that's happened before as well. But usually, you know, and they say this generation
Starting point is 01:24:21 has the least sex ever. That's true. Yeah, there are teens from what I understand are choosing not to have sex anymore. Well, I apologize. This is actually because I've been swallowing so many of them that they're unable to have it again. So you swallow interesting. Well, well, suck up. That's what I mean.
Starting point is 01:24:40 That's what we're talking about. Yes. Abernathy. Geez. You really shocked him. And he loved it. I loved it. Shocked him like an electric eel. Yeah. You ever see that movie? So you have it. You don't really do landpun. Now that you're on the landpun. Well, I don't want to be like every other comic. Isn't that all they do?
Starting point is 01:24:59 Exactly. That's very true. Just landpun. Just landpaste humor. And Mitch and Berg. You want to know the dirt on me? Well, I was out in the garden today. Yeah, that's very just land upon the land of the humor. Mitch Hedberg. You want to know the dirt on me? Well, I was out in the garden today. See, been done. I'm sure. Which Hedberg is a lot like Mitch iceberg in a way. Hmm. That wouldn't go either way.
Starting point is 01:25:20 I don't know. So Ken, you're doing great. Your business is booming. Why are you here? Well, I have nothing to hide. I would like to promote this. Why are you keep saying you have nothing to hide? What are you hiding? I have nothing to hide. Why would I say again? It's it would be in I would never say I have nothing to hide. I had something to hide. That's why I continually say it. Can your temporary tattoo is peeling off your arm? Oh, it's been eight days then so I get another one
Starting point is 01:25:46 Seems like an odd thing for a 44 Yeah, why are you wearing temporary tattoos in a bald cap? Well, I was at the arcade and you put a quarter in one of those machines You're gonna get a temporary tattoo or a fidget spinner, so right? So it's part of your undercover work. Yeah, you're smoking a candy cigarette. It looks like It's a candy clothe it's a candy clove. It's a candy clove. Very specific. Oh, 90s. What? I do not inhale. I did not inhale.
Starting point is 01:26:20 You're really concerned that your born man Clinton was I do a lot of I do a lot of research on presidents. One of my hobbies. Okay. I'm sorry. I was just doing a tagline for President Clinton. That woman, I did not have sexual relations with her. And what was great about that is it turned out. He did. Well, in a way, well, what sex do you? I never got a great answer.
Starting point is 01:26:45 And then we'll go around the room. Oh, I love that game. And in detail. Look, sex, look, if you're doing it, you know it. It's like that judge with the pornography. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you know that great judge who had all that pornography. And knew about it.
Starting point is 01:27:00 Well, yeah, you knew it when he saw it. Yeah, he sees it a lot. And that's your answer for sex? That's your final it. Yeah, he sees it a lot. And that's your answer for sex. That's your final answer. That's my final answer. Yes. Do I win something? It's not who wants to be a millionaire. So you know that. Love it. Okay, I really don't know what your age is, but I love the Meredith Vera years. Oh, geez. Okay, man. It's really hard to pin down. And you know there is another host. Who is the first host?
Starting point is 01:27:27 How many Gen G people do you think know who Meredith Viera is? It's a fun brain teacher. I don't even know. How do you 12? Well, Ken, I wish you luck. I don't, I'm not in the market to hire you. No, I don't have a team. And when I do have a team,
Starting point is 01:27:51 I think I'm just gonna keep out of it and let that be their business. You'd like them to have as much sex as they wanted. I look, people like having sex, right? So it's fine. And when they're too young to understand the consequences of it. What are the consequences?
Starting point is 01:28:04 Babies, diseases, just flaunting society's conventions. You haven't said anything negative yet. No, those are the things that are good at bad sex. The bad, those are the good consequences. Yeah, did you, oh, you wanted bad consequences? Yeah, poor consequences. Bad consequences. That feeling right you oh you wanted bad consequences? Yeah, yeah, poor consequences. Oh bad consequences. That feeling right after when you go, I don't know. So you have that sex. Okay, yeah, you've
Starting point is 01:28:34 convinced me. Well, I've had sex and you know that feeling after when you go, I'm right. That's what I want them to avoid. I see. Oh, having that feeling. Okay. Well, Ken, you're an interesting guy. Thank you very much. I feel like you're not being completely candid with us. I'm nothing to hide. Ken, hold on. 44. Yeah, I keep it almost saying. All right. Well, we're running out of time, guys, unfortunately, but we do have time for one final feature and that is of course a little something called plug What's up, Scott? What's up, Scott? Oh, today's the day. It was like a flashback. This is where people keep their pride from watching.
Starting point is 01:29:32 What's your name? Scott, we've sent me that song. Yeah, we've got it. Oh, who? Nevermind. That's getting you. That was like mid-Summer all over again. That was Take a Look by Flop Dunkerman.
Starting point is 01:29:47 Thank you so much to Flop. And if you have a plug scene, go head over to slash plugs. And you can be famous for a week and flop. You are famous. And guys, what are we plug in? Abernathy comes. So what would you like to plug in?
Starting point is 01:30:01 Abernathy comes. Well, this is a glorious Monday morning. and I want to tell you about a glorious Sunday coming up, which is Sunday, September 10th when that's coming up. These two talented people, Paul F. Topkins and Nicole Parker, will be doing a variety show at Laudroom in Highland Park. How long is your room? Laudroom. It's an island park.
Starting point is 01:30:23 Okay. Laudroom. It's pronounced island park. Okay. Loudroom, it's pronounced loudroom. No H. And you can get tickets to that at slash live. Will that be live streamed or that's a purely live, purely live event, but yes. Okay, wonderful. And I would love to go to that.
Starting point is 01:30:42 Well, you should. Maybe I will. You know what? Fuck it, maybe I will. Ago Worldms, not it. Does that make a difference? Okay, I'll definitely be there. That's an inside joke.
Starting point is 01:30:53 That's an inside joke because I missed her show several times. Yes, Scott, which Scott told me during the break. Yes. And I have a whole of nothing. Ursula, the former CWitch, what, what are you plugging in here? Well, I would say, why don't you listen to a college town? It's a fun podcast on comedy bang bang world and so it's did by two fun comedians. Say more.
Starting point is 01:31:15 If you're saying fun, do fun. And the way you're saying it makes me feel like it's not fun. I know. Now you're now you're making a question. I know Abernathy. You give it a little tag. College town. College town. It's not fine. No, now you're, now you're making a question. I know Abernathy, you give it a little tag. College down college town. It's actually fun.
Starting point is 01:31:29 Okay, God damn it. He's using the same words. Doesn't sound funny. I'm trying to get a college town. Do you not say fun with something? You know what? Don't listen to it. No, it's, no, it comes out tomorrow.
Starting point is 01:31:43 It comes out tomorrow. Comes out on Tuesday. It comes out on Tuesday with Seth Morris and Eric Whitehead. It's a wonderful show. And people, if you subscribe to the Maximus Planet, CBB World, you can get that. It's in its own feed. So you have to go to the CBB World.
Starting point is 01:31:58 Must be nice. CBB World site and click access. And then you can subscribe to it. A lot of people, I've heard a lot of people don't know what's there for some reason, even though we've tried to get this information a lot of times when I went to see if it was difficult and I struggled and I found it.
Starting point is 01:32:13 You struggled? No, I'm saying I'm saying I struggled with everything and I still found it. It's incredibly easy. All right, and Ken lunch, what do you want to plug? Well, obviously my business, how do people get ahold of this business? Ken Dash lunch, Decom.
Starting point is 01:32:27 Are you afraid that people are gonna think that your door dash, like Ken Dash is for lunch and gets it for you? And then like, have you gotten a lot of orders? hadn't considered it, but now the dash was more because it separates the first name and the last name. Right. Why?
Starting point is 01:32:44 Because people were thinking it was Ken Lunch. That's right. Yeah, wow, you know. Hey, exactly it. OK, great. And anything else to plug? So, yeah, the business obviously. And then I suppose if you're in the Los Angeles area
Starting point is 01:32:58 and you wanted to go to live, another live show, if you're not live showed out, you could go. After the September 10th one. Yeah If that's not if that's not too much for you I I think there will be a large contingent of people who are like that was just too much for me It is going to be an exhausting show for what I understand how so People are going to be sped up. I just can't can't even fathom going to another live show ever in my life But if you can and or you can entertain the thought you could try the first and second Friday of every month
Starting point is 01:33:28 that the UCB theater, you could see Baby One's candy, you could see Magic To Do, that would be the first and the second Friday. Okay, all right. What's Magic To Do? It's just for you. It's a musical improv show. It's made up on the spot with songs.
Starting point is 01:33:43 Oh, okay. It's impressive, I've seen it. Okay. And for with songs. Oh, it's impressive. I've seen it. Okay. And from what I understand, it's always maybe what's candy? It's also this very similar thing. You might say it's too similar, but why are they calling it two different things? People have asked and a lot of overlap with the cast, but they are separate shows.
Starting point is 01:34:00 And they have a different thing. For some reason. For some reason. Yeah. Not my job, and I have nothing to hide, but I would tell you tell you there was something seems like the thing you're hiding is about these shows Well, I wouldn't say if I knew I suppose Good on UCB forgiving all the same people the same jobs and calling it two different things There's not like there's any other performers
Starting point is 01:34:20 Yeah, it's like when the theater came back. They just called things different things. It's the same old stuff. Same old stuff, elephant day. Sure. Big cat with a butt, it's all the same. All right, I want to plug the comedy bang, bang, book. If you haven't gotten it yet, it always makes a wonderful gift for, look, birthdays happen all year.
Starting point is 01:34:39 So why not give it to someone? Birthdays, they happen all year. What can I, and I believe we've signed some more for the holidays. So the holidays are coming up beyond the lookout for an announcement about that. And head over to CBB World where you can hear all the archived episodes of this as well as ad free episodes of this and 3DM and CBB presents and college towns so much more over there. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Very fun. Pick-ship, pick-ship, the barn, pick-ship, all in the iron, pick-ship, all in your hair, pick-ship, don't go like your dirt.
Starting point is 01:35:12 Don't go like your dirt. Stay away from our granddaughter. They're all really good. Alright, yeah, that was our pig-shit granddaughter by William Byrne. So thanks to William Byrne for our pig-shit granddaughter. That was very impressive. And guys, I wanna thank you so much. Abernathy, it's a pleasure meeting you.
Starting point is 01:35:31 Unfortunately, I have no contacts at Universal or any of the studios in order to get you work, but I look forward to hearing your voice another time. Perhaps you'll come back on this show. Coming back another time. Perhaps I'll do it. Wonderful. Coming back another time perhaps I'll do it wonderful and Ursula I'm gonna hook you up with Universal Studios and we'll definitely we'll get you whatever it was we were talking about over there. I don't even remember. Neither do I. What a coincidence and Ken lunch let's take off that bald cap I
Starting point is 01:36:02 got to see what's under there., maybe you'll see how old I am Now, oh my god, what is that? You tell me? I'm frightened and I love it like hereditary. I Will see next time Hear your love

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