Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Paul F. Tompkins, Lauren Lapkus, Mary Holland

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

Fellow Threedom co-hosts Paul F. Tompkins and Lauren Lapkus join Scott to talk about simping, The Weeknd, and musical instruments. Then, local reporter Haney Dilf stops by to talk about her recent car accident. Later, Carmine DeLonge arrives to show off his special skill. Plus, fencing instructor Jarles whose trapped in the Earwolf Studios stops by for another #classicjarles appearance!

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Are you a parking ticket cause I want to fight you in court Welcome to comedy bang bang Wow Yeah that's how we do this show Thank you to April Fool's Rebel That's the way we do the show Duda Duda That's the way we do the show

All the Duda Day Thanks April Fool's Rebel For the catchphrase mission Welcome to comedy bang bang for another week This is the last week of July Can I ask you please Does the welcome expire at the end of the week Can I ask you does the welcome

See it's way out when it's done Who are you right now Can I ask you Does the welcome say at you Let me introduce myself My name is Scott Ochrebin and I have some special guests Let me introduce you And now the host of comedy bang bang

Bark bang Thank you so much for introducing me My name is Skeeter Trudeau Oh no I summoned him I summoned him My own show This is comedy bang bang and I have some very special guests That show sounds pretty good

Some very extremely special guests And they're here to promote their new podcast Freedom And they This is the show That has three people on it and will never have a fourth person on it Freedom yes And that person

If it were to happen certainly would not be Mary Holland That's the one person we've banned Nothing she's done No I mean she's not cancelled we've banned her It's a personal ban It's a personal cancel You can ban people you like You actually should ban people you like

It's called boundaries Exactly and I'm going to introduce these guys They are my co-hosts of course on the other show Welcome to the show The other Paula of Tonkens and the other Lauren Lapkus Thank you for having me Me too thank you for it

Hi guys tell me about freedom what is this show Freedom is a show that's been going on for a number of years It's in probably the middle of its season Whatever current season is Close up at the end of it I don't know what the number is I would say well into the 100s Sure yeah

We're in the 100s for sure Yeah and I usually describe the show Oh you go ahead Let a man speak for once Let a man speak for once By the way Which was the subtitle of freedom Let the men speak

Let the men speak for once I was going to say No I did it again And I'm sorry go ahead The way I describe the show When people beg me to tell them what freedom is On their hands and knees Because you walk past a lot of people and go

What is it And I say it's a show where the three of us Tell stories from our lives and we also act Really dumb and we play a game at the end That's very close to how I describe it I say It's a show where we tell stories From our personal lives

We act really dumb and then we play at the game At the conclusion That's pretty different actually You think that I am dumb I'm a simp You're a zoo are you simping for Oh okay I don't know how you got that out of it

My name is simp Ulten If you were to simp for anyone who would it be Coco the gorilla I don't know That sign-languaging faker I don't remember what simping is Simping is what We're cocoa truthers on this show

The one and only animal grifter Coco the gorilla Tell me about simping again It's where you We do on three and by the way We explain words to Lauren You know really well It's like

You're a fan You're a simp I forgot what it means You're a fan and you're defending them online It usually has a connotation to it You're sort of in love with them You're in love, that's so sweet You're in love with them

The usual response is Hey simp or she's never gonna see this Hope she sees this dude Has this replaced white nighting? I'll look up simp And don't just look up episodes of the simpsons Oh god Now I gotta restart my google

Glad Lauren figured out a way to get on her phone This episode You know you're pretty much right It's a simp as someone who does Way too much for a person they like A man who puts the hose before the bros A guy that is overly desperate for women Especially if she's a bad person

Or has expressed her dot dot dot won't click it Well that certainly wasn't the Urbane dictionary It was Urban Dix Yeah it was Urban not Urbane Dix Yeah you get it now I love it here Welcome back Lauren

Lola why Lauren Lauren Lauren You haven't been on the show in a long time It's been a long time Did you have a baby or something? Did you announce this on three of them In a very popular segment called Lauren's Topics Oh the episode was

I promoted on this show a lot We talked about Lauren's Topics all the time What about Paul's News? Well maybe if you promoted more See Lauren's Topics though was so popular My Topics segment is so huge because I'm always bringing A lot of really important stuff to the table

That was my biggest topic I ever had Probably the one that had the most bounce I think it's either that or just talking about That's usually more on the reality recap segment You have a lot of segments You have simps for days As a result of these segments I'm so glad to know what a simp is

And know that I like them And you want to encourage them I love my simps I don't call them my fans I call them my simps Love my simps So you've been gone You haven't been doing a lot of podcasts

Other than the ones that you normally do And it just feels like It was a lot for me to add it to the plate But here I am But here you are because we need more numbers on 3 Oh yeah, we got to get the people listening And you guys are going to love it so much of you Please listen

Please don't make us beg you You're supposed to beg us I'm being by my bedside We're your simps listeners Please I'm praying to God I'm praying to the many saints Please

But it's just all of this It's like this for an hour We want people to listen to it Actually I don't want anyone to listen to it We share a lot of secret stuff that I don't want everyone to hear Yeah, we do A lot of secrets from our lives

Don't listen to the show because we all spill secrets We spill tea about ourselves We spill tea on ourselves We're gossiping about our own selves I know it's so wild The stuff we share, it's so private It's so crazy and private It's like we take our face off

Should we start in OnlyFans, the three of us? Oh God Can it be where I'm the photographer and you guys are the models? I'm not saying no, you can start in OnlyFans of just random stuff I want to be the photographer and you're the models It doesn't have to be photography What do you think she's proposing here?

I don't think people consider their OnlyFans to be their photography Here's my portfolio It's the selfies of my tits It's the selfies of my tits Tits selfies Telfies Telfies, right Isn't that the weekend's first name?

Telfie, the weekend Telfie's weekend I have no clue what his first name is Really? Yeah, this is actually my boy It's in the Telfie's arena Is it Josh? He was born on a Thursday Born on a Monday, actually

Monday's child is fair face Thursday's child is who he is Thursday's child is far to go Yes, that's right The weekend's first name The weekend's first name Abel Mackenin Tess Faye Abel what?

Abel Mackenin Tess Faye Tess Faye Tess Le Faye Hey Tess Le Faye I can't explain his whole name to you Your face looks like you on Musk He's America's number one dad The weekend? No

Elon Musk's number one In the way of trying to make By sheer numbers you mean? He's trying to have the most He and the America's got talent guy Nick Cannon, yeah He has upwards of 12 children With his dick cannon

Whoa, right? He said it, not me No, you said it Gaslighting Gaslighting We try to gaslight each other in every episode No we don't I'm going crazy

It's a great show, people should listen to it And what is this show? You forgot It was the show where we talked to Interesting people Then it became America's podcast Then it became Humanity's podcast Then I felt that that was even too limiting

So it's Humanity and the Animal Kingdoms Podcast at this point So animals love it It's the number one podcast in the rainforest Why don't you make it the Earthlings podcast Because that includes animals When people hear the word Earthly They don't think of a Jaguar

That's not fair though, because a Jaguar has every right to the title It should be an Earthling It's dumb old worm You can't change how everyone thinks You try every day If aliens came here and they saw a worm They were like, hey, when are you in charge here? These Earthlings are stupid

If I went to a different planet They would go to the Sears Tower They'd go to Mount Rushmore And they'd be like, hey, take me to you Are you one guy? That'd be cool It would be cool I wish we all had foreheads

Me too What? We all have five heads That was Tyra Banks Self-admitted Self-admitted five head Self-diagnosed five head It's good to know you have a five head

It is good It's better than not knowing We have guests on this show Oh You guys are going to be sort of We don't have guests Especially not Mary Holland No, we would never have Harry

I would love to have him on That's her evil twin She's great A beautiful singing voice Harry Mullen So we have Guests on this show And we talk to them

You guys are going to be sort of my airsots co-host Yes, you are I looked that up in the Urbane dictionary So you guys We're going to talk to these people as they come in one by one And we're going to just ask them about their lives I don't think I've met any of these I haven't been on this show in a while either

The people still interesting I don't know Honestly, they've gotten worse and worse That's why you stop saying interesting people They all migrated over to the other company That sprang and sprung out of here I don't want to know more Don't come on around here anymore

We're having fun This is what the show's about Tom Petty was a singer You know what actually cried yesterday? I think he died Really? Did you think about him? He was so much fun he's having And what he did for us

He was like Jesus of music I cried a little bit in my car If Jesus had been a musician You think Jesus couldn't have picked up a guitar And give us a little dispatch Here's what I was thinking about Musical Instruments the other day That once you make one

You create a musical instrument It just stays around The ukulele They don't say we have the guitar We don't need the mandolin anymore We don't need the mandolin anymore Because we have a banjo now No, it's like cars

They get rid of older models of cars But they shouldn't Every car that ever was made should still be The Model T It should be an earthling Model B I wanted to have Model A The Model D cup

Did they sign up for T? They didn't give it to you? Model U? They never gave it to me I was like, well, I wasn't that special We're not getting swag That's the reason we're promoting three of them Here's why we're promoting it We're coming back with a new episode every Thursday

That's right Until November and then we stop for a while That's right I thought it was sooner This is a late season check-in I just wanted to alert everyone That we have a new episode every week We had a pretty late season check-in

I was always recently with Jack Quays Jack Quays? Jack Quays, Neil Jack Quays Get it right It's Jack Quays, by the way It's Jack Quays Excuse me

So I wanted to have a I wanted to have a late season check-in for three of them I'm so glad you guys came We are going to get to our first cast This is exciting Let's go This is going to feel weirder than it did on Freedom

This is going to feel strange What do I do or say? I'll figure it out Let's bring on our first cast Is it cool that I ate a bunch of pills? Is it cool that I ate? It sounded like a song that I was trying to remember Is it cool that I ate?

Is it cool that I ate? It reminded me of something But I was going to say sour cream and honey chips It's okay Is that okay? All that aside I was going to say sour cream and honey chips I actually had garlic urban butter chips in the way here from

Garlic urban butter There are Japanese chips There are Japanese chips Since you went to Japan you only ate Japanese food I went to Tokyo the other day and I got lots of stuff Just go to the big one I can't deal with that because of COVID

Well also The Prime Minister Former Is this a news show? We do update the news from two weeks ago We talked about every bad thing that happened two weeks ago Just to get everyone in the mood for what's going to happen next Let me say this and this is probably unpopular

When a former Prime Minister gets shot I guess I don't care that much That is unpopular Okay A.I.T.A Let us bring her on Local Local to where I wonder

I guess if I were to say local reporter It would imply local to here You're the one saying it That's what I thought you meant Well this is Possibly Let's bring her on Please welcome

For the first time on the show Hi I just got hit by a car Oh no I just got hit by a car Are you okay? You don't need to do the podcast You need to go to the hospital

No I'm okay I'm gonna shut this down I'm turning off the lights I'm gonna fold my arms I got hit by a car in college too Were you saying you got hit by a car just now? Yeah just now What happened?

I was standing behind a car And it slowly backed up And I just got hit by it Like a little tap Well it rolled over me Just a little bit I'm okay It seems like you were letting it happen

Well I'm okay Is this Is this Haney's pulling up her skin Oh god no that's someone else's There's some tire tread in there How did someone else's skin get on you Wow

It's so wild I don't know Oh my god you're really hurt And you're an A block You gotta stay through B blocks C blocks This is too long for you to be on a show We should shut down No I've been wanting to come on here for so long

Let her go before the tag Well hey sweetie Hey honey Tell us about what your job is Well thank you I'm a local reporter I do weather reports I do reports on bake sales and other events

Do you do that here in Los Angeles? No I do it locally To where? West Virginia Oh local to where you live Your neck of the woods as they say My neck of the woods Bake sales don't really happen here I'll be honest

I'd love for you to bake us some stuff sweetie Her name's sweetie it's not my name Okay don't ever call me that again I'll kill you Hey princess I mean do you not feel I feel like we can almost see bone On your thigh

I could see bone in your neck And a bone in your nose Oh that's so nice What is that jewelry you're wearing Oh you know I wasn't sure If I could pull this off It's like a Halloween bone It's like a Flintstone sheet

I wanted to dress up because I'm such a big simp of y'all Thank you so much It's so nice to me Have you heard of freedom? Oh yeah The show where we don't have Mary Holland on Oh yeah and that's my favorite part About it because she's a

Fuck it She's a bitch We just don't want her on our show She's a personal friend Can I ask you a question about your family Your ancestors The first DILF I've been wondering the same thing

I've been digging into my DILF for so long A lot of our last names have to do with What our ancestors used to do Their job or whatever so maybe Your great great great great great great great great Grandfather was a dad that someone wanted to fuck And he was That they liked

They enjoyed it Like your great great great great grandfather I guess he awkward It's not dad I like to fuck It's dad I would like to fuck Dad I would like to fuck You just corrected us And we're wrong

I was saying I would It's a contraction I just want to point that out I was wrong That's you Miss DILF this is us This is what I came for So what's the weather like

It's so good It's so good today All you gotta do is look out there and it's fun It's fun Look out here because this is not local to you No no I'm on a trip I'm on a trip

What are you doing here I always wanted to see Los Angeles Beverly Hills What do you think of it You heard the Weezer song and you're like I gotta get it That's exactly it I just got hit by a car

Yeah I know Your forehead is started to bleed I feel like we're not talking about that enough Well you know but there's no big deal Because I got hit by a car in college I'm not okay to have it happen a lot of times When I was a little girl Got hit by a car

Really how little One One year old so you don't even remember it I was crossing the street Were you on that show old enough I was crossing the street I was going to the Piggly Wiggly To get some bugles from a mama

Did she put them on her fingers One by one She used to pretend like she was an old witch You'll get me some witches She wasn't a witch The Dilsa are witches From long past And you chose a different path

I said I want to do local reporting I want to tape people up But you know I think being a local celebrity Is amazing because people just See you every day Are you a celebrity or are you infamous I'm infamous

Are you infamous Famous What's the difference Famous is like Everyone knows you for a bad comment Famous is like people don't know you But they think they know you And please take this teddy bear

Famous Every guest on comedy bang bang On freedom Every guest on freedom If there were to be guests on freedom Would get one of these teddy bears We have one and then you get to have it for a week And kind of write about its journey in the notebook

And then pass it on You take a picture, please don't forget to do this Please Don't just cram it at the end and pretend it all happened on different days We can tell Am I sending this back to you Or are you sending There's a

I guess we did You send it back to us We don't pay for the postage I pay for the postage It's heavy I can tell It's full of ball bearings It's made of heavy glass, it's filled with ball bearings

And a camera and beans Do y'all smell toast No, you are severely injured No, I'm okay No, I am making some toast No, I'm hungry My mid-afternoon snack This is crazy because I was making some toast too

And my butt popped Oh my god, it's perfectly buttered Buttered Wait a minute, I smell bacon Oh no, it's just a cop across the street A cop? I was like, oh man, who made toast with my bacon No

He's investigating Oh so it just happened right outside You put toast in my bag The cop outside is actually here to investigate Oh really? But I'm okay Yeah, I'm okay Haney

You look like your eyes swapped sockets Thank you They're looking off in different directions This is good Yeah, well I guess he didn't Slowly back to me I guess it was

Full speed Full speed Who's going backwards at full speed It seems like you might have known the person Oh no, I don't know anyone out here I don't know anyone But now I know you and you got me this teddy bear Why were you behind this car?

Yeah, what were you doing there? You're a Los Angeles Who goes behind a car? I just don't understand Look, in West Virginia I know No, we did one Take me home

I was racking my brain As fast as I could I felt like something I know all the people there I know what people have in their cars You know, my mom always said the best way to get to know somebody is look what's in their caboose Wow, when people have trash

No, people have trash in their car It's a sign about the person They want to drive in their trash When their car is full of toys, it means they have to play So you were looking at this person's possessions in the back of their car No, I don't know if they possessed it or not I was just looking through the back

Possession is nine-tenths of the law, wouldn't you agree? Can we at least agree on that? Yes, sir! It is true, though, when I look at somebody's car I have no proof that they possessed these things It's true Somebody could have put them in there I was standing back there and I was looking through

I was looking through the windshield I was just trying to save it as tinted So I couldn't quite see inside There was a whole a-camping tint No, like a Coleman Are you sure it wasn't a car cover? It's like Xerox It's like Kleenex

Coleman Xerox, Kleenex, Coleman Xerox, Kleenex, Coleman Xerox, Kleenex, Coleman Xerox, Kleenex, Coleman Xerox, Kleenex, Coleman Am I part of three of them now? No, unfortunately

Well, number one we won't have on is Mary Hall Of course I hate to say it, you kind of remind me of her But maybe that's why you think she's a bitch Yeah, because we hate the things we see in the mirror You kind of remind me of her She also wears a sweater that has a tire tread pattern So that's making me think of her

That's sort of like hammer outfits Oh gosh, what a coincidence I mean, this I just got today These tracks I just got today So I would never buy a sweater with a tire tread You're not Mary Hall, are you? What? No! No, that's so rude

Because she's from I feel like she's from West Virginia She's from Virginia, Southwest I've heard Because I had a newspaper from her hometown You would have heard that because you're from West Virginia I had a newspaper from her hometown That her picture was in for

Approximately two years on my nightstand thinking I'll give this to Mary at some point And then finally I was like Why on earth did you have that? Because I was in Virginia I was like, I'll put this somewhere Where I'll make sure I remember And then two years later

I was like, Mary, I Have had this newspaper for two years And she said, I already have one Of course You thought you were going to scoop her family? Yeah, anyway Well, I just wanted to come on And I just wanted to hear

Like, what if you could Name for me Like, what is it about Mary Holland That you're like Hey, that's no good Well, I mean, she's not She's not one of the three of us The show is

Scott And that's not Mary Paul, and that's not Mary And then Lauren, me And I'm also not Mary And so we kind of just stop it there Because it's a clearly put Mary in the situation Because there's already three

And it's just done And even though she's a friend of ours We can't go back on that Also, we just feel like she would ruin the dynamic Because of how she is, you know And just like the way she is Because she's such a fucking bitch Come on, we love her

We love her, but We think she would ruin our show We are saying it We're saying it right now when she's not around We only want to say it behind her back Can I just Do you have a partner, a spouse Something in your life? Yeah, I've got a partner

A mouse in your house? I'd love to know more about them Okay, well, I've got a partner And a spouse Oh, are you a goomal? Is it one of each? Well, my partner and I put a down payment on a spouse And then we moved in I think you mean a house

Yeah, I think your head is really bleeding right now I think your brain is Yeah, your brain, I see some of your brain coming out I put a down payment on a spouse And then we did some I can see part of your intestines through your thigh No, no, no, I'm good No, look, watch

I do this all the time, look Do that all the time? Look, look, look She's pulling her intestines Through her body Isn't it cool? And her excitement to show us Yeah, I didn't like that I don't like it

But I'm okay though, it was all worth it My partner's name is Ho What is it again? With a question mark So with four O's and a question mark, is that how you spell it? No, that's a hint Ho-ho-duh

Homer Simpson No, so close! Homer the great poet No, so close Homer the what you hit in baseball No, no, it's Henry Marcus What? That was a ho

Of course Where'd the ho come from? Ho? So you didn't change your name to Marcus No, no, no Well, because I was already established as a local news affiliate Oh, yeah, you're already a DILF Yeah, I'm already a DILF and once you're a DILF you don't go back

Yeah, you don't want to not be a DILF Being a DILF is a goal Exactly, thank you So Henry Marcus Really, what does Henry Marcus do? So Henry Marcus is an investigator So you use his whole name every time you speak of him? He asked me to

What kind of investigator? Public, private? Private He only does private He only does private things, really? Yes, he only does things that are shh I like the public investigators who like the minute they find anything out they post it everywhere Yeah, let's take this public

It's time to go public Hey, I got these pictures of your husband Let's go public What kind of cases does he do? He does them all He does larceny He does everything He does

Oh, just your normal Oh, my wife is cheating on me My wife So Borat has hired him? No, but he wants him to Wait Henry Marcus wants Borat to hire him

But Henry's too busy Who else does Henry Marcus want to hire him? Oh, gosh, I can call him Oh, please, I'd love to talk to him Put him on the line Okay, let me just call him right now He's here?

He's on the phone Hi, Henry I think it was on speaker Henry Hi, this is Scott Ockerman of Comedy Bang Bang And freedom Hi I can hear his phone

Would it surprise you to know that I have Lauren Lapkus and Paul of Tompkins here from Freedom with me All three of the hosts of Freedom Mary Holland is not here Oh, oh, she's not, huh? What do you think of Mary? There's something about her Yeah, Henry already

We've already discussed this Henry Marcus Yeah, that's me Why did we call you? I don't know who do you want to hire you because I know Borat's on the list, possibly top of it but I wanted to know if there's anything else you wanted to hire you Oh, sure, Sinbad

So a lot of mononyms Sinbad, Oprah Cher Walmart Walmart, you mean Henry Walton? Or Sam What about people who are, like Adele I guess would be on your list, but someone like

Ariana where it's like, she doesn't go by just Ariana, but we know who you are Huffington? Are people just calling her Ariana? No, they're not, I was saying everyone knows her by first name but apparently they don't Oh, I don't know Where is my wife?

Haney, do you want us to say that you're here? Tell them about the car accident Tell them about the car accident That's bad Henry, I'm going to tell you something I don't even know who your wife is I've never seen her before Oh, that's why it was a clue

because he says ho I think he means what? Yeah, that's what people say We haven't seen her, we've never seen her I don't know who she is, or what she is, or what she does Even if she was a local news affiliate I wouldn't know And even if she was calling you on her own phone

and we're watching it, I don't know Cause she left weeks ago and I haven't seen her This is big news Wait, this sounds like a mystery for you to solve Oh, god You're right What are the clues? I've got fingerprints

I've got I've got enough shoes here to make a nice I can figure out What size Give him a minute It's okay, this is the process It's gonna be nice, I wanted to hear what it was

It's gonna be nice, I can make a nice mold of her foot and then I just send that to Interpol When do you get the foot? I don't need the foot It would seem like it would be good You don't think the mold of an interior of a shoe would be helpful if you gave it to Interpol?

I guess maybe Interpol is like the guys that's in front of every VHS or DVD Exactly Also, great band, how are you gonna get them to help you? Here's what I say You don't have a big enough case Watch this

Oh my god We just heard a lot of sly This is not a video call Henry Sorry, you have to describe What did you do? I put together all the evidence and I've got an open and shut case I've got a crack

Where is she? Hold on a second Where is she? Huh? Where is she Henry? Just tell us I don't have to tell you I already know the answer

She's in Aruba Jamaica You're wrong She's with Henry You're an awful investigator You're an awful investigator What are y'all telling him? Don't tell him that I'm with you

Sorry, we had to blow up your spot Why did you have to? Because we had to We don't care about you or him We crumbled under the weight of his incompetence and we just blurted it out to make him feel better

He was so wrong He thought you were in Aruba Jamaica Was that a sticking point in your relationship before? Yes, he hated that We didn't tell him that You didn't?

Oh good, well then he'll never know Oh no, your arm just fell off Oh my lord I don't care if that happened to you when you were a kid That's not good I got hit by a car in college too Haney Haney

Haney Do you ever go to Target and buy Haynes her way and you wear them and you cross out the S and you put a Y I do that with all my underwears and bras so no one gets confused Do you ever sing this song

my way is Haynes her way No, I won't start Okay, start right now My way is Haynes her way Who? Who? Why do you think underwear brands love to put their name on the band?

I'd be embarrassed If I were selling clothes I would sell plain clothes that don't have any kind of name on them or anything like that because it's so much better but like Calvin Klein or even Haynes I certainly don't want everyone to see that I'm wearing Haynes her way

Fruit or the loon that one? Did Haynes her way say Haynes her way? Fruit? You gotta choose Haney, come on We're trying to riff over here It's sort of like if Mary Holland were here to choose

to try to riff with the oligarchies They're Frankie, I love that Henry, we gotta go Goodbye Bye Wait, who do we hang up on? I think Haney Sorry, it sounded like you got hung up on

Oh, that's so crazy Well, Haney Do you want to stick around or I suggest you go to the hospital We have to take a break I think that you should go to a hospital I don't know, what do you want to do? I'm okay

Your other arm just fell off How are you going to adjust the microphone? I didn't do it with my nose How are you going to do everything? She did it I don't care about anything non-microphone She needs to go to physical therapy I'm such a simp, you got more interesting ghosts

Blast ghosts? More interesting ghosts coming? No, we don't have any ghosts Do you think we're ghosts? Pinch me Oh, I felt something Pinch me See, I didn't react because I don't mind being pinched

Oh, I thought for sure This is not a good test Yeah, it's really not Okay, look, stick around if you want to We have a very interesting guest coming up We have someone with a special skill I'm not going anywhere Yeah, this is big

And Lauren, I know you have to go I gotta go, I had a great time and I love everyone in the world Even the bad Paul, you can stick around, right? We're going to come right back We'll be right back with more Paul F. Tompkins More Haney Dillf

We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this Comedy bang bang, we're back We have Paul F. Tompkins from Freedom is here Paul, you about ready to go on that? I'm making it Big time Hi there

More songs should start with an acknowledgement of the listener It's like, welcome to my song I would love it if it was like, good afternoon It was only a kiss, how did it end up like this? They should do it for various times of day

Remember how the radio stations would get the bands to record radio station specific IDs? Yeah, I am Driving in my car Turn on kiss of him They should do that for

various times of day and then play them like And here's the thing, it's so easy All you have to do is add that greeting at the very beginning of the song, you record a bunch of them This sounds like an ad for something we've done Here comes wet ass pussy, the early evening remix Y'all want to hear what I have to say?

Haney Dillf is also here, the local reporter, yeah I'm having fun What was the wet ass pussy? Hey, I noticed that you have pipe cleaners sticking out from where your arms were before Oh yeah, so now I can move the mic

You also have two lumps of coal instead of your eyes? Oh yeah, well that, you know Is that a carrot? This is a carrot and I put it in my nose hole And as you can see, look at me I'm just as good as new All that happened was you got hit by a car

I got backed into full speed Do you think you're a snowman right now? Oh, here comes Hannah Claus, here comes Look guys, we have to get to our next guest, are you going to be okay? I'm okay, don't worry about me Alright, we have to get to our next guest

They have a special skill Never been on the show before Please welcome Carmine DeLonge I'm so excited to be here Hi Carmine Great to meet you, this is Paul if Tom can We've actually met before Really, forgive me

I also met you before, I remember exactly I'm sorry, I don't remember That's so weird, I mean we've never even met Just because you never met, it doesn't mean I never met I'm a different man You are a different man Carlo, was it? Carmine, I forget I've been watching The Bear

I switched it around You can remember this by picturing your own car And going, ah, Carmine Thank you, that's a handy It actually is a little bit His name is Carmine I'll never forget When did we meet before, forgive me

We met it was 1998 You were wearing a blue suit You had blue shoes, you had a blue hat You had a coin card in your mouth I remember this day You were carrying a notebook and it was Thursday, July 17th Oh my god When did we meet?

We met, it was 1994 That was a long time ago Four years before we met I heard you were ducking behind a car I said I could help you, you said, not if I help you First you stood up and it was actually a prank You were wearing a black shirt, a black pants A black shoes and a black hat

I remember this prank You had a coin card pipe? I couldn't afford one back then He did not have a coin card pipe It was before his big successes He would be able to afford all the coin card pipes I've never watched every single one of them By the way, I've been watching all your successes

I'm very happy for you You had a coin card mine? Heeeeenie Hainie Heeeeenie Hainie That's my big name Heeeeenie Hainie We met in high school I was a teacher, I was a man

Then when I was a teacher You were a sweet little girl You always had your hand pink tails And you wore a pink shirt, pink pants, pink shoes and a pink hat That's so true All of us have matched on these days Oh my god But the whole year

Did you just teach one day? I taught one day The college one? In high school That was the day before I got hit by the cops I wouldn't know because I left the school Because I had to go do other jobs You were fired?

I was fired because I had to go do other jobs You were fired because you had to go do other jobs And you told me you don't remember me at all? I remember the day that I said I'm going to try a monochromatic outfit And I never felt fully secure Even with my pipe I remember doing those pranks

But I never met the people That I did the pranks on I was probably so distracted Because I was self conscious that I didn't remember meeting anyone Do you have Mary Lou Henner disease? I wouldn't call it a disease, I called it a gift Do you remember Mary Lou Henner gift? Do you have Mary Lou Henner gift?

I gave her Mary Lou Henner gift I gave her four gifts I gave her an umbrella that turns her head out I gave her a pair of socks with my picture on them To be funny, that was a little prank one I gave her a big set of pencils That were all huge And that was not a prank

That was because she always lost her pencils And I gave her a new doorknob Because when I went to her house I pulled the doorknob right off Wow, four gifts That was a really gift-much as a replacement I'm curious about the umbrella About where you saved the rain for later

Yes, it's from Mocha It's kind of like you're holding A birdbath above your head You look very dumb when you hold it But it would get heavy, right? It gets very heavy Depending on how much rain there is You go dump it in your plants and help them out

If you want to save it for the bath It rains in West Virginia I'll tell you right now It rains in West Virginia It's part of the local weather It has rained more than ever this year In West Virginia I mean, non-stop every single day in June

And... Do you know facts about places you aren't even in? I know the farmers, almanac, packers and fords I have a photograph of memory Tell it to us backwards, please Backwards is right now today Today is 85 degrees Oh my God, that's scary

But it knows what happens in the future But it tells you what happens today It knows what... how interesting It can predict generally When eclipses are going to be I never knew how to use the almanac Because I would look up words If I was trying to think of a word

If I was trying to think of a word You're trying to think of a word right now That's like nice And what's another word that's like Means nice, but isn't That word I can tell you all about Kind, sweet

Loving, nice Oh nice Friendly, open Loving, kind Nice Friendly, listen Listen Nice

An audiobook to Learn more vocabulary Wow That's impressive, really good I'll admit I was doubting it at first But that blew me away Mr. Doubtfire Your tits are on fire

Hello Can you see a drive-by fruiting on your way in here? I did see a drive-by fruiting Oh, that's what it was Yeah, I got it as a hit and run Do people ever say you're a bit fruity? No, but people say I'm a cutie Which is also a fruit

So you saw this, you remember it Well, not only do I remember it, I was driving the car You were in the car See, you don't remember, but I remember distinctly I was driving my car, and I saw this woman looking I remember it was like a moment to go It was only as early as it was She was looking into my tinted windows

Which I had put fake tint on Do you own everything in your car? Do I possess it? Indeed, do I own it? Not so much And she was looking with her eyes very, very close I could see her eyes bugging against the screen And I just I said, I gotta kill this bitch I had 70 miles per hour

Pre-meditated But you didn't recognize me from last school I knew who you were, and I hated you that day I didn't include that, pop it to you A sweet girl with a pink hat, pink shirt, pink shoes So you knew, you knew, remembered her from teaching One day, and you said you have to kill her I would like you gone

Oh no! Do you still feel that way? Not anymore since you survived, but you look great With these pipe cleaners, I'll never forget how you looked With these pipe cleaners You're looking at her right now She means in the future, I think, she'll never forget He means that He means that

He means that Can we test you on things that have happened In the past, is that okay? Activity, many game shows and many news shows I've been on Jeopardy! Jeopardy! Who was the third one? Jeopardy!

September 23rd, 1985 Oh, okay Yup, it was a big day So it was snowing, it was What day of the week was it? Wednesday, and it was snowing, and it was very cold Everywhere And it was

All my Macs said What happened to me that day? I met three interesting people Tell us about all three of them, or at least two of them I'll start with one He was a butcher He had on a hat, white Let me guess the color of the rest of his clothes

White? What are you, a guessing guy? You're the person who actually had apron? White shirt, white pants, white shoes White shoes, that's bold for a butcher White gloves But he was splattered in blood I met him and he said, please meet you

And I'll never forget him He was pretty anodyne Of an interaction I guess the spatter with blood That's what makes my skills so interesting I was walking down the street, and I went to the bakery And I got myself croissant And I was talking to the baker

And his name was the baker, and he had on His last name was Baker? He had his hair in a ponytail, and he had on a blue shirt Blue pants, blue shoes Blue apron Blue apron Blue apron This is an ad for blue apron

This is the longest ad we've ever done And if you want to use my code for blue apron, it's Don't forget, it's this code Now, always remember, that's the code And I met him, he was so He was so affable, and I'll never forget that about him He was snowing so bad When you meet an affable, yeah

I met a candlestick maker He was making me a little candlestick Out of a wax bug A wax bug? A wax bug He was rolling, rolling, rolling Get your candles rolling, he's saying And I'll never forget how he sang it so beautifully

Right on tune, and he had a perfect pitch And he had what he was wearing He had on a striped hat, striped glasses, striped Shirt, striped glasses What's going on with the stripes? Striped shirt, striped scarf, striped pants, striped shoes Striped socks that the stripes were Red and white

Like he worked at Toy City or something Were the lenses of his glasses also striped? Just the frames The lenses were black! Like he was wearing sunglasses? Like he was blind But he wasn't, because he looked me right And I said, I love how you look

So that you could tell Both physically and from what he said Wow What an interesting day Did you go right to bed from there? Then I went home and I fucked my wife How old of a man are you? How? Backside

How old of a man am I? My age is 1 plus 2 plus 3 Don't count every year Wait year were you born Can I ask you that? You must remember that You can't ask me that Do you remember the day you were born? Do you remember that far back?

Yes I do My birthday is May 1 The year is 1948 1948 You ran a dink You're in the 60s Do you remember that?

Why do I get it? Because I have wrinkles Are you that vain? You're like an ugly guy Scott You should You should sit with my wrinkles I'm just saying That's like when I

I remember thinking John Kerry was very unattractive And then he got A bunch of Botox Who's this hunk? So I looked better What was your question? The day I was born I was inside the As you all know when you're born

You're inside the vagina And I was going I think I want to get out And the weather was Muggy The weather inside is Muggy It's so

Wax buggy I always thought the word was Deluggy, that's the one thing I never forgot This is a big day Don't write this down So you remember you forgot it I know I never forgot anything before this I would have remembered that

So you were inside and then did you see the light Did you like start crawling towards the light I started going squish my head Down down down down down and then My mom was screaming get the fuck out And I went up Goes down I came out with a parachute

Parachute And I was the placenta And you had a placental parachute And I landed on the ground Really? Yeah, what? You don't believe me? Ask my mom No, see you can't even fix it If you want it to

When did she die? Tell us about that day What day was it? Two days ago Two days ago How old was she? 99 So she had you in her 30s It was late for the time For the time, sure

But are you the first or the last of a big family? I'm the 16th 16th child? Yes What do you get? My brother's name is Damon My other brother's name is Mike My other brother's name is Weasel My other brother's name is Matt

My other brother's name is Danny My other brother's name is Kulak My other brother's name is Scott My other brother's name is Table My other brother's name is Wham My other brother's name is Microphone My other brother's name is Matt My other brother's name is Phone

My other brother's name is Hat I think I've named my brothers And that's how Matt on that She's telling the truth He is It's an easy way to remember All your family members I want to meet Table and Matt

No, you don't No, you don't Bad, bad, bad guys You don't get along with these guys? My only brother I get along with is Matt Matt, you like Matt Are you the black sheep of the family? You could say that

But it's because I remember everything And they hate that I remember everything I always go, oh, remember on Tuesday, July 9th When you said this and that and the other And they go, well, why you gotta always bring that up I would imagine that it's easier to Forget and forgive things of people If like your memories of something are hazy

Sometimes we, you know The more time goes on you go, you know what That wasn't a big deal It's not a big deal to me anymore And everything's a big deal to me And it remains as such Yes, yes, yes, indeed And if you want to know my favorite food is eggs

Oh, done what way, just raw? Raw, yeah, I bite them like a rat Raw's hell Wait, can I ask you a question? Yeah Carmen, I'd love it Where and how and when did you meet your wife? Wow, my wife

It was, I always love to tell this story Because it's such a beautiful story What day of the week was it? It was Saturday It was Where you in the park? April 9th It wasn't July

I was, but I was in the park You were in the park Saturday In the park I think it was the 9th of April Okay, six days before tax day She was selling peanuts That's a good way to remember it

She was selling peanuts A woman selling peanuts What kind of songs were she singing? She was singing Country Country Singing some country songs What year was this, by the way?

Didn't I say, if not, 1979 79, okay So you're almost 30 years old Or you're 31 31 And I met her just in time Because I always said I got to be Mary Bittown 32 Otherwise you would what?

Mary, you best friend? Oh, you just like dropped dead Yeah, that's what I always heard from the witch What witch? It's old deal She came up to me when I was little And told me I would If I wasn't married by 32

It was God with my momma Or my grandma It was one of the deals She was green Yeah, that's my momma So did you get married right before the deadline? Just in time I had a court, my wife would make it real

Did you really love your wife so? In case the government checked Yeah, and I really loved her When I saw her, I knew she was the one She had on a visor Red She had on a shirt Red

Okay She had on an apron Red This track Pants Red Socks Red

Shoes Red Purse Red Scarf Red Glasses Red

Wow Uh Balloons Red Wow Peanut car Red Red, okay, peanuts?

Red With the skin With the skin Oh, that sounds delicious Shelled her with the skin on Shelled her with the skin on That's what she always said So did she

Looks like her skin on Did she keep Like if I said You can't skin a cat too Where she goes, shelled her with the skin on Yeah, that's true Did she keep selling the peanuts Or did she give that all up to Mary?

I made her keep doing it to make money Made her, so she wanted to stop Did you have a job at the time? No Do you have a job? Do you work at all? That's just a question I remember Every job I ever had

Bagelman, one Bagelman was your first job? It seems like some of you work up to Halloween store, two French translator, three You speak French? Nope That's what I got fired

Substitute teacher, four Was that four? Okay, so that was the fourth job And then the fifth job, of course, was When I had the job where I was doing What is known to everyone Is shearing sheep So that's what you call it

Skinning the lits Skinning the lits Skinning the lits So that was the final job you've had Which, I mean, the substitute teacher for Haney Was so long ago, is this one that you've That was one in there, yeah No, you made up a calendar

That didn't exist There were 20 years between each one of those He got you Well, that's what I wanted to know How soon, how long do you have? How soon as now? Well, you love to ask the Smiths Do you remember the Smiths?

Of course I do I remember every song that I've ever sung What were they wearing? I forgot one that I got wrong What were they wearing? Black shirt Black pants Black shoes

Black socks Black rings Black hats Black hair Black cats Black shoes Black chairs Black couch

Black carpet Yeah Wow Well, God, I got to say Carmine You do have a special skill I'm assuming that's your special skill That you remember reading? My special skill is to give little bubbles to my spit

Oh, please Wow, okay That was pretty good It was not bad I mean, it was only one bubble There was like a little tiny one too It made a great sound It was tiny

It made a great sound Can you do it better? No, I cannot I can't I can't feel my mouth no more Okay I'm a little worried about this one I'm a little worried about the sound

Wait, it seems like most people have just some raisins The teeth are all raisins I'll never forget you I need Look, Carmine, can you stick around Because we have to take a break I have nowhere to go Because I don't have a job

Because I don't have my wife Because she's gone She's gone? We got a divorce Oh, no I'm so sad Is she still alive? Yes

Has she moved on? She's with a new lover How long has she been gone? So long? Two years Two years I can get Henry Marcus on the case I don't need it solved

You know what happens She cheated on me with a pretzel salesman With a pretzel salesman? Oh, my God Yeah, it's been every day in the party They're talking, talking against each other For years and years and years Is that as a former bagel man?

Is that hurt? Yeah, because when I could do it I only made circles Yeah, he makes criss-crossies The twists Yeah, the twists Criss-crossies I always call pretzels criss-crossies

I'll never forget that As does everyone I'll never forget that you did it All right, we have to take a break Paul I'll never forget being here Paul, you have to go, though I can't stay here a moment longer

Okay, well, I'm so sorry Is it because I scared you off? No, I just, I think You hate me I have to meet my biological son Oh That's a big deal That's huge

I guess, that's what everybody keeps telling me Did you have a meeting time or something? Yeah, a couple of hours ago You're really late Oh, no Yeah, you should leave Daddy's M.I.A. all over again All right, so Paul

He didn't know his biological son He's probably spending his whole life going Where's my dad? Yeah, P.F.T. is M.I.A. 7TF Two more years isn't gonna hurt Right, exactly Two more minutes or two more hours

No, I hear you Two more years Eight years, minutes There's gotta be something in between All right, we have to take a break Paul, you're gonna go Carmine, you're gonna stick around Hey, do I even have to ask?

No, I'll stay here All right When we come back I don't even know who's coming up next This is exciting We'll be right back With more comedy back-back after this Yes

Comedy bang bang, we're back And we're here with Haney Dill The local reporter And how much money do you make per year As a reporter? Oh, man, you are really Wow, that's a lot We also have Carmine DeLonge is here

Is it DeLonge or DeLonge? It is DeLonge DeLonge, Carmine DeLonge And you... And I actually see that you moved your pen To the other side of the table Oh, yeah Was it over on the other side?

I'm a memory, it was on the other side You moved it Oh, I didn't even notice That's okay, I'll just never forget Oh, okay So should I move it back? Is that what you're saying? No, just kind of pointing out what's going on

Oh, okay, that's where... Oh, what's going on? Hey, Scott Oh, what the... What? Jarls? Yeah, it's me, Jarls Classic Jarls?

Classic Jarls Oh, my God, Jarls, how are you? I'm good, it's good to see you, man Are you still trapped here in the Jarls studio? Do you know me? You all know me You all know me

You all know me Still the same old geez All right, I met this guy I met this guy once before Carmine! Hi! Jarls How are you?

Do you remember meeting me? Of course we had a very memorable meeting I do, we had a memorable We were wearing the same outfit Yes Grey pants Grey shirt Grey hands

Grey glasses Grey glasses Grey shoes Grey shoes Grey shoes Grey shoes And of course Grey corn pop pipe

And of course Corn pop pipe Corn Corn pop My goodness How long ago was this? Corn pop pipe Corn pop pipe

Then we put milk in the end and go I don't think I mean Make milk bubble Jarls I Make milk bubble we screamed On Saturday night live We became missing friends On Saturday night live

Yeah, Lord Michaels was walking by And Lord Lord said What is it gonna be in my shoes? Lord Michaels was wearing A purple hat A purple scarf A purple shirt

A purple jacket A purple pants A purple shoes Purple socks So I don't remember this episode Who was hosting that you guys Actually did the cold open Prince

Prince was hosting Prince was hosting And musical guys Did we said Move over short stuff Wait do you see this And we blew milk bubbles Out of a corn pop pipe

People freaking went crazy For the start Of course I would remember that We got a We got a 45 minute standing ovation After this We got an apple bottom jeans Boots with the fur

With the pearls The whole club was looking at Herl Oh It said it bow Oh It said it bow Low low low low low

She can still dance She can still dance You know Haney Dillf Yeah I used to watch West Virginia news On my pirate radio show Television You recognize me

Of course I do Oh my god For if you don't know Haney Jarls has been trapped In the ear wolf studios For now five years or so Oh no

That reference by the way Since you've been trapped Is no longer a quick thing We don't like that anymore What's your biggest fear When you're here When the lights go out That there's creatures

Is there a ghost? I knew there's ghosts I'm not scared of ghosts Fuck them I'm scared of creatures Do you think we're ghost pinches Yeah pinch Pinch me right here

Actually pinch me right here It's all wet Pinch me right here Under nipples Yeah pinch me right here Hey come on What? No just do it

Come on We're not going to twist your nipples Just do it if you want to know If I'm a ghost or not You don't have to twist Just pinch Yeah pinch jump I didn't say anything about this

That's a good loop I'll go I can't do it I'm a christian man You were very devout We've talked about this Hork hop pipe Jarls has also

Jarls is a fencing instructor Yeah How's that been going I mean your students Must really miss you You've been trapped here I'm invincible for face time Do your students fall in love with you

Every single time And they sing to sir with love at me The schoolgirl days Of Dilly Dills I can't get up there Yeah your voice Oh you really can't What is the deal here

I'm really trying You have a very small windpipe I've got a very small windpipe And it takes me a lot of effort To push the air through So I can talk Wow And I see that your calves are also

Wow Very thin Yeah I'm on the spindly side of things Sure But is it getting worse Being trapped in here I would guess absolutely

Yeah Are you wasting away Is this like a 127 hours Oh I'm eating in cereal bars Oh yeah They have a ton of those here Cereal bars and pirates booty Have been keeping me alive

Why don't you just come out When we leave Why don't you come with one of us Out into the light Yeah There's this thing called COVID What is that I don't know

I don't know Oh you mean COVID-18 That's no big deal No no COVID-19 The novel coronavirus They made a new one Yeah you've been trapped this entire time

Should we write them corn cob pipes They've been with the pearls Is it spread by corn cob pipes It can be It should be It should be It was only spread by them Oh god

It would have been great It would have been great years ago Yeah you've missed Actually you've missed some terrible stuff So I mean Oh good Being here with just pirates booty Is not really that bad

But I imagine it's like solitary confinement Where you have your own terrible things happening Cause we were all trapped in our own houses Trapped in our houses Trapped in a house Boots with the pearls The whole corn cob pipe was looking at her So yeah we were all trapped in our houses

The whole time that you've been trapped here This is not my fault We're blaming you And we're coming to get you And we're coming to get you What is my voice so much Don't make me escape Charles Are you a ma-creature

Please don't be a creature I'll never forget the time That I saw you walking on the street I'll never forget it either Carm We became fast friends We both tied each other's shoes Yeah I remember I was trying to tie mine But yours were right next to me

And I tied yours Confused too and I tied mine with yours And then we got up and walked in different directions And it was a comedy of errors And then we made it like it was a three-legged race And we ran ran ran two different directions And we ran and we ran We ran so far away

Were you carrying all your appease with you Yeah in a bag over my shoulder Appie pens My appie pens I teach the kids to fence with appie pens They all have Severe allergies So you only teach kids with severe allergies

It just happened that way I didn't put a sign in a window Is the appie pen long enough to fence with These kids are very small Are they babies They're in baby size but they're not babies Oh so they have growth That's interesting

Some sort of growth They're mice Oh they're mice They're big mice And these mice sing songs about how much they love you Yeah, no school girl days Oh I'm telling them I can't get up there

I don't think I can hear that You really can't I keep thinking I'm going to be able to do it But you really can't I really can't Charles just follow us out into the I mean you must have a family that misses you I mean I have a family

I don't know if they miss me Aww I would all day the Fencing Academy Teaching these mice Teaching these mice to fence with appie pens And do they appreciate it No Oh I'm starting to sound like something else

That was a close one Oh thank god Oh you just swallowed so much air Aww thank god that'll do me for another few days When I get it in there I horn it Is air like food to you It's more like air I think What is food to you

Pizza, hot dogs What about water, what is water to you I love deep pizza all night Pizza all night Pizza all day Pizza in the morning Pizza in the evening Pizza supper time

When pizza is on the bagel You can eat pizza anytime Charles if you're not going to You can still eat pizza anytime If that's just pizza Yeah Charles if you're not going to follow us out Can we at least call your family

Or call the local people I mean I don't even Please call the local people for me Oh I'm here No I got a message for you I'm trapped in the studio You should go on the news right now Should I?

Okay hold on Bape bape Oh And we're bringing it back over to Haney Delph Haney or Haney God I can't get it right I don't know what's up Up my skirt today but I just

I've been excited to hear from her Because it's been a while And we've got a great news story for you So Haney Haney Hey it's me Wow you look like shit Oh excuse me Oh God

Haney you seem to have been Run over by something large No I'm good I'm good I'm good I got run over in college too So I'm okay Why don't you just deliver the message Then we'll get you to a hospital No no no

Okay well I'm here with a man named Charles Look at this dance I'm doing behind Haney Oh my god Hey stop that Oh fuck Bob a buoy of sorts Bape cleaner right in the eye Damn it

Ow God smart Now Charles has been Yeah it's so interesting Diane Is it isn't it though Do you remember when we We used to hate each other Do you remember when you came to my bridal shower And then you did a toast that was so rude

I only remember toasting you And wishing you the best future imaginable That's so interesting because your eyes went on the back of your head And you said God Diane you're such a bitch I hope your husband divorces you Really I don't remember saying that I remember saying God Danny It looks so beautiful for a bitch

Haney it's rich Do you remember the time you caught me and your husband In the closet We were kissing each other Oh yeah I do remember that Yes That was so funny

I had my hand all the way down there I know all the way down in his throat In his throat Yeah I was wondering what you're looking for down there I was looking for his heart I was in love with him And I thought I could actually grab his physical heart

Well that's deep love isn't it though Isn't it you wouldn't know I actually do know Deeply deeply do Because you know what My husband Zechary He is one of the Most loving man in the world

And Diane, you and Zechary have been married for 51 years We haven't And I'm right here Hello honey Here's Zechary I love you honey Give me a kiss This is an exclusive

To be clear He's been married 51 times And I'm the 51st Yeah For one year apiece That's why I was thinking 52 years ago Exactly You're my young precious little jewel

He's just a really nasty old guy I don't go near him But I don't have to Because the bank accounts connected to my car So those of you who are just watching this I'm canceling that right now Here in the studio the halitosis is very strong And of course all the creams that old people use

Well I think that his back teeth are rotten And his front teeth are dentures that he doesn't clean Well I'm here in Los Angeles And I'm thrilled to report that the weather is good Zechary Is that what you were supposed to come on and do Because we got a big alert that we had a breaking news Is that what it was

Oh shit It's about this man Yes I texted that to you And you see me on the circle So the news was that it's beautiful weather Not just that you bitch Here comes Zechary God what a rag

Hi everybody it was Virginia it's me Charles And I just want to say keep on going with that call You should turn the thing in your neck a little bit Turn the thing in my neck a little bit What do you mean I don't know you seem like you might have a hole there Anyways I think he has a very small windpipe Diane

I think that's what's going on You think so well you know you're the doctor I shouldn't be already Before we're doctor that is I was defrocked But you had such a dream of being on the news And here we are Yes being on the news was more important to me

Than saving lives You knew how to save them but you didn't want to do it No because no one wanted to listen to me talk about it And here I get to talk as much as I love Well we love to hear you talk Why don't you tell me something that I can listen to You want me to tell you something good Sure

Okay well it's going to be dark at night You're not good at this Oh god Zekeree Hi Haney when are you coming back Any day now Okay would you like to be number 52 Hell yeah Perfect I have it out

Now you want to marry him you're such a tramp Well hey Well I have to talk to Henry Marcus first But I'm sure he'd be fine Does this mean Henry Marcus will now be free To play the field as it were No So you're going to marry Zekeree

But then Henry Marcus can never again take a lover Ho I'm saying I want to marry Henry Marcus I think she said he could have a ho Oh I'd like to be that ho Yeah he could have a ho that's fine And I would like to be able to reach down his throat And pull his heart out

You knew whatever you want Wow if you can take your fist that far Well just imagine Speaking of news this is some of the greatest Should we end this news broadcast You don't work here Live from New York It's Saturday night

Is this still my interview Oh my Wow Wow they, yeah Great work everybody Incredible Face time Wow

That's laughing the news Carmine what did you think about that You were deadly quiet during that I was afraid because I don't like to be on TV Because I remember everything too clearly Oh you're afraid that someone might see you on TV Yes and want to steal my powers Oh okay

Is it possible to steal them If I was in some sort of Superman situation Oh yeah I'm not but if I was maybe a Marvel movie of some sort They could You know about the Marvel movies And put my head in this sort of vice and then steal it Maybe that's what happened in my wind pipe

It used to be normal and then somebody took it away from me What did it sound like back then If I can remember it is what I said Okay Here's what it sounded like when I was 16 years old Hey everybody, no I can't do it Yeah Hey everybody

Hold on Hey everybody This is the same I don't think you're physically able to do it Maybe that's it Yeah exactly Okay alright well Haney it sounds like you have a great situation Opening up for you

Yeah no way Marrying a severely helitosis man I can't wait It's gonna be great for you Congratulations Thank you I know everything happens in the future and that's gonna be very good You do?

Yes Why have we not been talking to you about this You're gonna wear a white hat White pants Sure white pants, white jeans, white pants, white jeans I'm gonna wear white pants and white jeans and then what happens to me You'll be hip by lightning So I get out of the studio

Yeah but you'll be 99 Oh What the hell are you gonna wear You're gonna wear a blue shirt, blue apple button jeans, blue uggs, boots with the fur You're gonna wear a blue hat, conductor style You're gonna wear blue necklace, dyed gold You're gonna wear blue shirt, dyed blue So then they wear blue to begin with, I have to dye them all

It's blue but it's dyed blue on top Can she buy it that way or does she have to do it herself No you must make it The prophecy says It's tradition in the Dill family We all have to make and dye our own clothes Tradition Tradition

Wow Tradition You're gonna do Broadway in five years In five years I think he's hit by lightning in two Please say funny girl I was only 97 Only And what happens to me spirit

What happens to me Carmine You're going to go on a balcony and you're gonna proclaim that you're the king of wherever you are Okay I won't tell you where because it gives it away Oh boy And then everyone's gonna come screaming to the balcony Throwing flowers up to you Wow

Which you'll throw back down I'll throw them back a bit more That's like sort of a Like hey I don't really need these I also like you guys Okay reciprocal flower throwing You'll be put into a bulletproof car and whisked away And put into a chamber because you wanted to be the king

And you'll be put into a gold glass chamber And it's see-through gold And it's A see-through gold A see-through gold handbag Wow And you are gonna be kept cryogenically And you never have to breathe, think, eat, sleep, do anything

And what am I wearing You're wearing a silver hat, a silver shirt, a silver pants, a silver socks, a silver shoes, a silver watch Silver glasses and a silver knife Wow You're so lucky you have a silver shoes Yeah and see-through gold compartments Carmine are these visions of what will be or what may be They're 100% accurate and I'll never forget

Wow okay this is happening to all of us So this is in five years you're 102 and what happens to you I have been struck by lightning and then I'm also gonna be on Broadway Wait funny girl Taking over from Leia Michelle Oh no What a princess Leia Michelle She's not doing it anymore

Oh no Oh yeah I'm sorry you've been trapped in here Well should you know she is doing it How did you know she was doing it Call me illiterate Alright guys we're running out of time Oh no Unfortunately I'm so sorry

Oh shit We only have time for one final feature and that's a little something called plugs What you selling I'm here to stick what you spelling I'm here just to support So that you can keep making cool shit Making cool shit I'm out here to spend some cash

On all the things you pushed From your creative cash Maybe you could make some more Of that thing that you made before Hey that was Plug You Some Cash by Beersley Thank you so much Beersley or Beersley Guys what are we plugging Let's start with you Haney Dillf

What do you want to plug you Oh I want to plug you Oh boy okay Nothing sounds like Alright let's move over to Carmine What would you like to plug Nothing as well Alright well Jarls

Just making a truck backgib sound Alright well I'm going to plug Look the Comedy Bang Bang tour starts one week from today One week from today all of August We're out there in your hometown Hopefully if you live and were born In one of these towns It is me and Paulette Tompkins

Except for Seattle Every single city and special guests In every city and these lineups Are really really good I announced the openers for August 14th LA show That is the Andre P Neuer's Andre P Neuer tour featuring

Appetizer P Neuer and Parents Foster The Hey Randy show With Randy Snuts and then also Bonan is for Bonanza All of these tickets are on sale at www.cbbworld.com And special announcement We're breaking today

If you are Do not live near Any of these cities And you want to hear these shows You're not going to be able to see the shows And believe me you're going to want to see this But if you somehow Cannot go to any of these shows

I can't If you sign up For CBB World In the Maximus tier You can hear all of these shows You can follow us along We're going to be dropping these shows As they happen within 48 hours

Of us recording them Brett is going to be going on tour with us And recording them all and then dropping them So all you have to do Head over to CBBworld.com Sign up for the Maximus tier And all Maximus subscribers Every day when we post them

And you know it's only Seven bucks for a month so fuck I mean come on man It's practically free It's less than a dollar a day I think Here are things that cost seven dollars That I remember Wifi when they first started putting on planes

Seven Snickers bars The year that they were all a dollar My allowance when I was a child It was a period of time Fiend Fiend Fiend Wow that was really

I liked how it didn't adhere to any sort of rhythm I got another one Seven dollars Give me the rhythm Red shirt Red pants Alright stop it, stop it Carmine Anyway head over to CBBworld.com

Of course all the archives of this show And ad-free episodes we have Freedom which some of my previous guests Wanted to promote We have the archives and ad-free episodes Over there at CBBworld And we have Bananas for Bananza We have CBB Presents

We have Scott hasn't seen so much stuff over there What are you going to do best of Jarls? Best of Jarls? It's the longest I've ever talked to you I've been on the show a lot Well not by on purpose It's the longest episode of the best of Jarls This is an SNL where we're putting out video tapes

Best of Chris Farley I'm not asking you to do that Alright look let's close with the old plug bag Oh that was Open Your Pants Not the plug bag by Johnny2k Johnny2k thank you so much And guys thinking of Thinking of

Thinking Oh no it's too hard This late We haven't found that perfect sweet spot Some shows are too early Some are too late Why don't you do one in the middle Of the night

In the middle Of the night In the middle of the night I could walk it in my sleep In the valley of the dead In the valley of the dead In the valley of the dead Give it a something

Give it a something Give it a big ol' bean Alright well we're obviously Starting a singing group So this is the final episode of this show Oh good so So you're so I can be in freedom

Wait a minute Let me take off these coals This carrot Hey that's my nose Oh my god It's Mary Holland Why'd you put your thumb in her butthole I had to take it out

Ow Scott that really hurt Oh my god Mary Don't winestein me It's me and guess what Well it's not them Alright I'm here I ran back in when I heard you Oh my god

Fuck yeah I did I'm in freedom I'm in freedom Fordham Oh my freaking god OMF god Alright Mary you can be on three of them Holy shit what

I'll quit And the listeners go crazy No No I'll stay on It was worth it getting hit by that car A bunch Oh wait you actually did get hit Wait all those wounds and the tire track

Yes My butt Your thumb is still in my butt Oh no Oh it's bloody Oh no I think we have to go Alright we'll see you next time

Thanks bye