Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Rachel Bloom, James Mannion, Matt Apodaca

Episode Date: September 26, 2022

Emmy Award winning actress Rachel Bloom joins Scott to talk about her new audiobook Kiss & Tell, acting in the new Hulu series Reboot, and the St. Elsewhere extended universe. Then, postal worker Chris Orchard stops by to talk about his new relationship. Plus, local grocer Albert Roe returns to talk about Kissy’s Grocery store getting into creating content.

["Comedy Bang Bang"] Roses are red, corn is yellow, your mama looks like Danny Trajo. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Colfax McLiverneck for that catchphrase submission. Thank you Colfax, and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition, end of September edition. And, yeah, very special. We only get to celebrate the end of September once a year,

and here we are. Episode 777. Triple sevens. Boy, this were Vegas. We would be raking in the coins. Unfortunately, it is not Vegas. It is a podcast. My name is Scott Ackerman.

I am the host of Comedy Bang Bang, and we have an exceptional show. Coming up a little later, we have a postal worker, and a small business owner. So that's pretty good. But, hey, the headline is... Celebs are back, baby. Celebs are back. They've come back to the studio.

Look at the celebs we've had this month. Adam Scott. John Hamm. Jason Manzuchus. Okay, yeah, they're all friends of mine. They're doing me a favor. But still, they're all here. Celebs are back.

And this episode is no exception. We have an incredible celebrity here right in front of me. I believe Emmy nominee, if not winner. Winner. Winner, winner. Emmy winner. Emmy dinner? I don't know.

They don't serve dinner. They don't serve dinner at the Emmys they do afterwards. You have to buy your own snacks. At the Emmys? Yeah, you have to buy your snacks at the concessions. They have things you'd buy at sports. Pretzels, because this is at the Nokia, is that correct? Yeah, the Microsoft.

Oh, the Microsoft. Pretzels, popcorn. And that's it. And they don't allow you to take it into the theaters, I recall. They were like, no, sit there. We have to eat it outside. Yeah. Now, it's happening from five to eight, but then did you go...

Then there's a governor's ball, yeah. Yeah, the governor's ball. So we went this year. Congratulations, by the way. Thank you. And I'll introduce you in a second. Oh, yeah, you should do that first. Hey, now you're telling me what to do.

Whoa, we went... This is only your second time on the show. We went this year and the ceremony was inside, but then the... Wait, did you go because the Chippendales won? Because my husband wrote Chippendale Rescue Rangers. All right. And so this was the... It's not the night proper, but they do all of the stuff that they normally do on the actual

time. So it's almost like they're doing a rehearsal for the dinner. It's called the Creative Arts Emmys. So it's basically the same Emmys, except it's televised on FXX. Later. They cut out a lot of the stuff. They cut out a lot of the stuff. They had no red carpet this year.

No red carpet this year. No red carpet. I'm so sorry. It's okay. I mean, it just shows how much Hollywood values people who aren't really in front of the camera. Yeah, because they have the red carpet for the regular ones. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Rachel Bloom is here. Yes, they do. They have the red carpet. But there was Nariah Keenan Thompson. No. Keenan was nowhere to be found. Probably rehearsing.

Probably rehearsing. That dance number. Yep. Sure was. Anyway. Yeah, anyway. So you were there. Congratulations.

You're an Emmy winner for your... Songwriting. For songwriting. So I got my Emmy at the Creative Arts. Yeah, as did I. Yeah. Congratulations. Are you just one?

You got one? Who is counting these types of things? Very clearly you. Yes. And I did present at the Creative Arts. I presented at Creative Arts this year. Yes. And I hosted the local Emmys.

That's exciting. Which was a weird thing to do. Because it's all newscasters. Award shows are funny. They are very funny, but your husband now is... So you're an Emmy couple. We are an Emmy couple. It's very, very hot.

Do you make them kiss each other? I mean, here's the fucked up... Do you make your Emmys do exactly whatever you do in bed? To each other? Yes. Is that a fun thing? Well, so they just sleep. Right.

Yes. Okay. Put on sleep masks. The noise machines. Yeah, exactly. And then one of the Emmys goes, should we... And then the other one's asleep. This is like, okay.

Never mind. And then on their phone. Another hour. Scrolling. Sexting. Oh, good. Man, I wish that I was in bed next to you right now. The things I do to you.

If you were awake. What song did you win for? A song called a very subtly titled song called anti-depressants are so not a big deal. That's right. Yes. I remember this song. Very subtle. Mm-hmm.

And who did you write it with? Whom did you write it with? Oh, with... With whom did you write it? With whom did you write this song? I wrote it with Jack Dolgen, my longtime songwriting partner and producer. Rhymes with Bolgen. That's how you remember it.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's an easy way to remember it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Super easy. Bolging with Emmys. Like Jackets full of Emmys. Bolging.

Bolgen. Oh, and Dolgen. Got it. Yeah. It was weird. He used to say like Jackets full of Emmys and until he won an Emmy, it seemed very weird. It was a very strange thing to say, but he was prescient regarding that. He was.

Yes. And then our, the other winner was the late Adam Schlesinger. Yes. That's right. Wonderful songwriter and composer of, I just saw his musical on in New York. Bedwetter. Bedwetter, yeah. Which is really good, yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yep. Great talent. We were just talking about that before. It's hard to segue into on a comedy podcast because it's quite sad. But we did it. Yep.

We did it. Hey, you got to embrace both the sad and the happy. I found nothing in between. What I said makes sense. It actually does. I think I live my life. Hold on. Spam risk is calling me.

Oh, this is exciting. Hello. Hello. This is a confirmation call from Amazon. Oh my God. It's the Emmys. Amazon's calling me. Oh my God.

They bought your movie. You bought my movie based on Apple Airpods? Oh my God. Such a weird product for, or project rather for Amazon. In your account while processing the payment. Oh my God. She's so nice. She's processing the first payment already.

Oh God. Spam. I love you, baby. Thank you so much. Well, this is wonderful. You're here to talk, though, not about the past. You're here to talk about, well, the present and perhaps the future. Because you have two projects out right now.

Yes. That was so well said, by the way. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. And speaking of well said, there's so many well said things in this first project we're going to talk about. Kiss and tell. Now, we're not going to kiss, but why don't you tell me about this project?

Oh, thank you, you naughty boy. We could, I guess. Oh, okay. Great. All right. So now that that's out of the way, tell us about this. This is a, it's an audio book from. It's an audio book.

Both Simon and Schuster? I mean, the thing is there's been a rift between them for years, but they reconnected for this. It's like a Katy Perry, Taylor Swift situation. Oh my God. So it basically was a comedy show that has been turned into an audio book that I hosted with Jay Farrow. And I'm taking credit for it, but like it was one night of my life.

Right. I spent just an epic night hosting these two. We only have so many nights in our life. So I mean, for you to say it's just one. I mean, it's a very special night from a very special life. That's very true. Oh, yes. That's very true.

One night of your life is like equal to a hundred nights from someone who lives in wherever the fuck Ohio. I was going to say like one night of my life also in like, yeah, yeah, cause they're doing bullshit. Yeah. Anyway, one night. So it's a, it's a, it was a live comedy show with the likes of, of like, uh, Alyssa in Paris, uh, uh, uh, others.

Uh, we got the, I'm, cause I'm looking at the credits here too. The sclars. The sclars. We're there. We're on. Um, uh, it was, it's so many. It's Zuko. Yes.

She was there. Was there. And she was there with her husband. Oh, cool. It's great. Cause so it's a night about. I get the picture. She's off the market.

Yes. So it's a night about like dating and relationships and basically the stories start at dating and then they end at like marriage and relationships. So it's comedians being vulnerable and talking about their romantic relationships. And where was this recorded? You recorded it at the West side comedy theater in Santa Monica in Santa, not a lot of comedy heavens in Santa Monica. Oh no, I don't go to Santa Monica.

No, I, I, when I first started, there was a place called the upfront that we used to do shows there. Uh, but it was always such a jaunt West side is a pretty fun theater. It's kind of located in the promenade, but I've always had really good shows there. The vibe in that room is really good. Okay. Um, and then did these comedians know they were being recorded or was there a lawsuit after the fact and they settled that and then turned this into an audio book.

No. Well, so actually they weren't even there. We, we placed, um, microphones in their bathrooms, um, in their bathrooms and their bedrooms and we recorded over a series of two years and they were just telling secrets to each other. They were telling secrets and then we said, look, you'll get a $300 honorarium if we can use this. And they were like, well, well, honorarium, by the way, when you get one of those, what

the fuck does that mean? Honorarium. They try to give it in honor of giving you no money. Yeah. Here's $300. Just give it to just, just, just burn it. Yeah. Just burn $300 in front of you.

You're not even going to call it a paycheck. Exactly. Burn it in front of me. Burn it in front of me and make me watch and make me thank you. So this is produced obviously by, that's one of the most privileged things we could ever say. If you're going to give me $300, yeah, burn it, just burn it instead, because I'll just go crazy.

I have a guest writing stint at SNL instead, if I really want money. Anyway, I'll just consult on a sitcom. In any case, this is obviously produced by Kevin Hart's Heartbeat. Oh yes, it is. And then, obviously. Now, and then I heard that fact before, you know, this even was set up. I heard like, oh, by the way, there's a new audio book coming out. It's produced by Kevin Hart's Heartbeat.

Yes. It's H-E-A-R-T-B-E-A-T, the way you would always spell Heartbeat. But it's not because his name is a synonym, no, no, homophone, homophone to the word heart, which as we all know, is the muscle that pumps blood. Yes. It has four chambers. You know what we're talking about here. I'm aware.

Of course. So this is obviously a dynamite company that's in there producing. I was really excited. And in fact, I went to, do you remember the Netflix as a Joke Comedy Festival a couple of months ago? Yes, I do. The one that was scheduled for 2020. Yep.

I went, there was like a big heartbeat reception to celebrate Netflix as a joke. And I was like, you know what, like I've been inside for this pandemic, I'm going to go to this like big party and I'm going to meet Kevin Hart. And so I get on this bus. It's like a crowded bus and we're like, oh, there's a surge right now. It's fine. Cause it's an outdoor party, even though it's super crowded and we're there and I stand to try to shake hands with Kevin Hart.

He's not available. So I don't meet Kevin Hart and my husband and I got COVID. So no one's going to get COVID if they listen to this, right? I mean, look, the doctors don't know anything apparently. Yeah, could be. So someone had COVID at some point before or after they were recording this, hopefully not during. Yeah.

Night transmitted to the listener. I don't know. I don't know. We don't know. Fauci won't tell us. Fauci won't tell us. Fauci's, Fauci's having a Passover Seder with his globalist friends. He's too busy.

He's too busy to tell us how the pandemic works. He's too busy eating matzah. No, Rachel. You know, when you hear the globalist, it's just juice. That's what people mean. Yes. Anytime it's the globalist, the elite, they're talking about juice. They're talking about juice.

If they only knew how not elite most Jews are. Now, Rachel, I was thinking about this. I was like, just thinking about how I felt about this project of yours, this audio book. And I was like, it feels like to me that each performance features personal stories and shared memories from their own romantic journeys, and they bring the universal challenges and rewards of romantic relationships to life. I mean, that was my interpretation of what I thought this was. I haven't listened to it.

What I thought it was about, but I don't know, I was really wondering how you felt about this. I think that your interpretation is like, honestly, really, really, really, like, apt. I think the only thing that you missed is between the lines, you can get it on Audible, Google Play or wherever you shop for audio books, but that's like a deep, like Chekhovian subtext. And I mean, I think like something else that a lot of people never understand about Kiss and Tell is that you'll see these recognizable milestones, crushes, crushed, proms attended

and virginities lost, couples counseling, parenthood and blending families. Oh, okay. Yeah. I didn't get that from just the description that I read. A lot of people don't get it. Yeah. When you first... Even after you listen to it?

Even after you listen to it, you have to listen to it multiple times again on Audible, Google Play or wherever you shop for audio books. I shop for my audio books at Barnes and Noble and I get them in CD form. I go to Gelsons for mine. Wow. Yeah. It's right there next to the roast chickens. Well, this is incredible, this Kiss and Tell.

It's really good. Honestly, we're doing a bit about, you know, promotion, blah, blah, blah, but it's really good. It's going to be really good. And... And it's out now and people can listen to it and should listen to it and might listen to it and won't listen to it. No, and will listen to it is what I meant to say.

I mean, we got Chris Garcia, we got Daniel Perez, we got JB Ball, we got Mike Lawrence, Morgan J, Nate Jackson, and more. You're not skipping over James the third, are you? Is that James ill? That's the thing is, I didn't know how to read that. Yeah, I don't know. So I didn't want to fuck that up. I know.

Sorry to lampshade it. Is that something? No, but it should be. Yeah. Sorry to lampshade that. This is incredible. And I say we discuss it no further. What do you say?

And let's move on to the second thing you're here to talk about. Now, the second thing you have is this show, Reboot. Yeah. At the time of this release... Is that how they pronounce it in Canada? Is it Rebout here or...? It would actually in Canada. It's Reboot because there's an obscure animated Canadian show from the like early 90s called

Reboot. I say Reboot. What is Re... I've seen commercials for this, I think, and it isn't Keegan Michael Key in it. It's Keegan. It's Judy Greer, Johnny Knoxville, Paul Reiser, Kristen Marie, Kaylen Worthy, myself, a whole host of guest stars, and it's a show about a fictitious 90s sitcom that... Every show is fictitious.

So it's like, you know what I mean? So it's kind of like when you go, it's about something fictitious. I'm like, yeah, that's everything. Well, it's a... I would say... Unless it's like, you know, the... What was that one? Well, I would say it's a show about a fict...

The crown? I'm not saying it's a fictitious show. I'm saying it's a show about a fictitious 90s sitcom. Right. But every show is fictitious. Every show is about a fictitious thing, right? Sure. Like Ozark is about a fictitious family of murderers.

Yeah, I guess you could say I Love Lucy is a fictitious couple. Is about a fictitious show about a band leader and his annoying wife. Although he's a real band leader, so that's where you'd be analogizing. And she's also annoying. Yeah, so this is... I don't know. This is where I'm starting to doubt. Well, also you start getting into, like, I mean, my favorite thing is what TV shows

take place in the same universe as each other. That's right. Yeah, because you have the munchaverse, obviously. Yes. Oh, wait, which is the one that the theory of all the shows that take place in the snow globe of the kid at the end of Sane Elsewhere? Of the Sane Elsewhere? Oh, I don't know this.

There's a whole theory, and I forget his name, but for those of you who don't know, there was a hospital, I guess, drama. This is heavy spoilers for the end of Sane Elsewhere, by the way. Oh, this is a huge spoiler if anyone's... Huge! Probably the biggest Sane Elsewhere spoiler you could give. But also is it? Because, like, it...

Okay, big spoiler... It's not going to spoil the plot to anyone other than the fact that all these people that you've known and loved aren't real, but I mean, that's every show is our point. So one of the kids, one of the characters is known to, I think, have in the show a developmentally disabled kid. Yes, and he's a doctor in this hospital. The guy is a doctor in this hospital. But then, suddenly, it's like snowing.

This is deep, deep spoilers for the final episode. It's snowing. There's a blizzard. All this snow, and then suddenly, it pulls out of this kid, shaking this snow globe, and there's all the snow in it, and it is this development, I can't even say it. That's how sacred it is, developmentally disabled child who has the same father, but the father is not a doctor. No.

It's just some schlub. And it's just a snow globe of a hospital? Which, by the way, like... Shit. Terrible Christmas presents. Who gives a kid a snow globe? Who gives a developmentally disabled child? That's something you got for free.

Yeah. While you were there in the hospital. And you're like, I will appreciate this terrible snow globe. Oh, my friends, like, developmentally disabled kid, which is a really mean thing to get. But then, of course, he does. He actually loves it. He loves it. And he's just there, and he's been imagining all these...

He's been imagining, like, what if my doctor, or what if my dad wasn't some dumb idiot? He was a doctor, and he saved a bunch of lives, and you know, and it's just, like, so moving because it's like, oh, yeah, wow, hopefully all of our children hope that we're not dumb idiots, that we're, like, better than what we could be, is the lesson that I took from it. Oh, that's interesting. I never thought about thematically what it means. What I've thought about is there are a bunch of theories online of what other TV shows

take place in this kid's house. Anything that's ever snowed? Oh, that's interesting. Oh, that's so... Okay. Is it anything in a hospital? Okay. Anything that's ever snowed...

Anything that's ever snowed... Okay. Like E-slash-R. You remember that show from the 90s? Oh, oh, yeah. E-slash-R. When there would be a bomb threat every season? Sure.

Yeah. Every season. A lot of stabbings. Someone wanted to bond the hospital, stab the hospital. Look, I understand that people die in hospitals. It happens every day, I would imagine. But the doctors? That's where they are there to fix the people.

I really like this review show of shows that premiered 30 years ago that you're just now getting around to. We should have our own show where we just... We watched them back then, but we're just getting ready to talk you about them. So, Mary Richards, she's an up-and-comer, right? Is she single? Is she fucking? What's going on?

Here's my point, though. It can't be E-slash-R because that's a different hospital and the kid doesn't have a snow globe about him. Or is the theory that there are a bunch... We got to look this up, too. It's like a certain store that sells only hospital-themed snow globes? Wait, okay. You're just hitting on Pixar movie theory?

You know the Universal Pixar movie theory? Call your husband. He's got animated experience. No, no, no. And I did Shark Tale. We can team up on this. What I'm saying is, you know how there's the theory of all the Pixar movies take place with the same work?

Yeah. All right. You're hitting on a really crazy thing, which is, let's zoom out from this snow globe. Is there a gift shop that only sells different hospital-themed or that only sells snow globes that are meant to start TV shows in kids' heads? Yes. So, like NCIS. Okay.

What do you got? Okay. You've come up with it. It was, okay. It was kind of inspired by Hill Street Blues, like because it was the same network. Right. NBC. Okay.

Fictional St. Allegious in Boston Southend. Okay. So, first of all, I'm going to say Allie McBeal is in this guy's head. What's the other, Perfectly Legal, know what it was? Boston Legal. Yeah, right. Perfectly Legal is perhaps a different magazine, but I've been perusing. That sounds like a video you watched last night.

Is that in this universe? It was snowing something. So all the Boston shows. Perfectly Legal. I like that because either the person in the video is completely not legal or it's like it's a website that's like aimed for very like legally, like if it's like, do you, do you someday want to be a politician or are you a lawyer? Right.

This is a porn website. We promise. Everything you watch is Perfectly Legal. These are all consenting adults. Also, it could be about like people who are over 40 and it's like, look, there's no gray area here, you know? So what other shows, I mean, what other shows do they think are in there? Just Boston shows?

Less than Statutory. Well, look the other way on this one. So private practice, Boston Public. I'm trying to think of any other Boston show. Boston Common. I'm in a show that's shooting in Boston right now. Really? Is this in Boston or just shooting?

It is. It's the, I'm on Julia, which is the show about Julia Child on HBO Max. Oh yes, yes, yes. I'm in the middle of filming it. Season one just came out. Yeah. So I'm on season two. So she goes to Boston?

It's all in Boston. Julia Child started, the Julia Child show started as a local Boston, a public TV. Public access show? A public access show in Boston and then it got syndicated like nationwide. Incredible story. So it takes place in the early 60s. A tomato? I don't know what kind of parts there are.

Yeah, David I. Pierce is in it, so he plays, he plays fetish, he plays fetish. Bibi Neworth is a carrot. It's about Julia Child. Bibi Neworth and David Leary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, a 100%. Really? It's such a big story.

Do they ever accidentally call each other whatever their names were on that show? Yeah, and they keep it in the show. It's so weird. So weird. Do they also keep, here's what I hate when a show keeps in the director going cut after every scene. That's so in now, right? It's so weird that all shows have started doing this.

It's just like all over severance and I'm like, I get it. It's a hit. And I get that Ben Stiller is directing and you want to keep his lines in there, but it's like, come on. They need to let you know it's a fictitious show because otherwise if we don't hear cut or see action, we're like, this is actually happening. This is actually happening in front of me and I got to get involved. People thought that Gilligan's Island was real.

What? People? Like the train coming at the audience? Or the... What? Oh, you know the old movie, my favorite movie, where the train comes at the audience and everyone's pan out screaming. Oh, yes.

Did you see the new Downton Abbey? They tried to recreate it. Did they succeed? They tried. At the end of it, they were like, look, we didn't do a good job. Sorry. Sorry, everyone. We'll give you your money back.

Just ask for it. Well, in any case, Gilligan's Island is real. The network would get letters from people being like, why are you keeping these people on the island for this TV show? Let them let them go. And this is where people are so fucking stupid. People before now, before the internet, like the internet's not great, but people used to be so fucking stupid.

Yeah. Now we're, thank God, the internet is here because they can look up and go like, oh, is Gilligan's Island real? And then, you know, just like that, they're in QAnon. Yes. Yeah. That's how quick it goes. Yeah, but at least, like, there's a community for them.

Yeah, that's true. It's about the friends they made along the way. Yes, exactly. Did you watch Into the Storm, the QAnon documentary on? I lived it, baby. Oh, no. So. That was you with the antlers.

Yep. I don't know what you're referring to, but yes, it was me with the antlers. Okay. So reboot, though, is about a, here's what I'm guessing from what I've seen. It's about, okay, so in this universe, which is not our universe, because obviously, Keegan Michael Key is in our universe and he's a beloved hilarious comedian. Well, this is an interesting debate because TV shows have done this before where, like, the series finale of The Nanny, Fran Fine meets Fran Drescher.

Really? So it's like, there's this moment, it's crazy, where Fran finds like, I'm a fan. And Fran Drescher's like, oh, you look like me. From what? I don't have a show. She has a show called The Nanny in the nanny verse. Yes, because she talks to Fran Fine and she goes, I'm going to use that on my show, The Nanny.

Okay. So that's crazy. They did a Mork and Mindy, where they call out that Mork looks exactly like Robin Williams. Like Robin Williams? Yes. Okay. And also in this world, in the world of Mork and Mindy, Robin Williams is like a sex symbol because the joke is that Robin Williams runs in the house with his clothes torn apart because

women are like rabidly trying to get him naked. So this is a third universe. Yes. Okay. So this is a universe that has a Robin Williams in it. But he's not on a show called Mork and Mindy. But Andy's a sex symbol. And he's like a super sex symbol.

Super sex symbol. Yeah. Okay. So that's okay. It's a place where super hairy men are like prized above all others. Right, exactly. So like that's the question of in Reboot, is there also, is there someone named Keegan Michael Key who just looks a lot like Keegan Michael's Keegan.

So is there dialogue in every episode where Keegan's character walks in and goes, just to manage expectations, I'm not Keegan Michael Key and everyone goes, oh, okay, you just look a lot like him. Okay. And you're a famous actor just like him. How crazy. And he goes, well, no, I'm not as famous. And then Judy Greer walks in and she goes, hey, hey, I'm not, I'm not Judy Greer.

I'm, I think her name is Bremery Larson. I'm Bremery Larson. I look a lot like Judy Greer. So that's usually the first. And then does your character walk in and go, you like, look, I am not Rachel Bloom. Well, she doesn't because no one really knows who Rachel Bloom is in that universe or this one. So no one ever mistakes her for anyone.

But usually the first 15 minutes of every episode are the actors clarifying that they just look like other famous actors. Yeah. Okay, good. So that's like, already this is a great show. But honestly, you can skip the first 15 minutes of every episode because it's just that. Right. Right.

And then other than that, that's about it. No, this is about a, a, in this universe, yeah, there is a, there is a show approximately how many years ago or even decades ago. I think it's like, it's supposed to be like 2000. 2000s. Okay. So post full house, pre 9 11, well, I, I'm actually doing the math. So it's cause one of the characters is supposed to be like mid 20s.

Okay. If it was a kid. So it's about 16 years or so ago. So maybe 2006. So it was post 9 11. Okay. So yeah, we're in the shadow of 9 11 and they're, they come out with a TV show. Well, the opening of the show is the second plane hitting the south tower.

Interesting. This sounds like a strange show, but I'm into it. I like it. And so there was this television show back in 2006. Sounds like that was a, was it a sitcom or a, a drama? It's like a cheesy sitcom. Cheesy sitcom. Yeah.

And they are now rebooting it here in 2022 and the cast members, it's like, it's basically Roseanne. Is that what we're doing? Yeah. Steve Levitane who created it has said it was kind of inspired. The man who cast me on, just shoot me. Yes. Yes.

The casting directors were a big part of it, but he had the final say. That's so cool. You can see it on YouTube right now. My two scenes in any case. Yes. So he, he, he worked on just shoot me then modern family. Yeah. And so you cast on modern family.

I was not. Did you ever audition? Uh, no, I'm offer only by that. Oh, meaning I do not work. Okay. You surprised at the actors who just coming from also casting the actors who are offer only that are like, really? Wait, you coming from casting.

What do you mean? Well, no, no, I don't come from cast. But sometimes when I'm producing, I, I get access to the casting sheet. Yes. Yes. Yes. I've done that myself where it's like, yes, really. They're them.

Offer only. They don't want to read. They can't read. Oh no. That's what it usually is. The system has failed them. Yeah. Exactly.

It's our school system. Teachers are basically bad at their jobs. Yeah. For a, for an actor that says offer only, I always get back and I say, I'm, I'm so sorry that the system failed your client. They are obviously unable to read. Um, I wish Jennifer Lawrence, well, would it be better if teachers gave a money back guarantee?

Like you're going to learn everything or your money back. Yeah. Teachers have a lot of money to give their salaries, basically just divvy it up between all their students at the end of the year. Yeah. The parts of their salary that they're not using to buy school supplies. That's right. So now, uh, this show, there was a show and now it's a show.

Yeah. Yeah. Great. Reboot. Hulu. Yeah. This is good. Yeah.

This is, I mean, this is. It's great. I think it's a great show. It's a great show. So Steve Levitan did it and, um, and what a cast. One episode a week. Or are we? They're going to release three.

Well, by the time this airs, there will be three episodes. Um, and there's, there's like a twist with my character that I have been embargoed from talking about. Okay. Um, but these episodes will have come out, but I just, you want people to watch it. Yeah. I want people to watch it. Yeah.

Okay. So something happens with your character. I'm guessing. I'm just going to say a little. I'm guessing like a Ned Stark kind of. A lizard arm comes out of my pussy. Oh, shit. Why did they embargo that?

That makes me want to watch it. There. I don't know. There. I don't know. Sue me. Levitan. Okay.

It starts as a show about a rebooted sitcom, but really it's about a writer mutating. It's about a writer with a, with a lizard, lizard arm in her pussy. Like a, like giant lizard or just regular lizard arm? No. This is important. Yeah. So it's a great question. It's just an arm.

Just an arm. Sure. But it's an arm of like a, like a, like a hila monster. Oh. It's like a big lizard arm. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

So that's a good size. Squishes out. Does it do it? Does it perform tasks? Well, it always can be, it always, it always says, are you Keegan, Michael Key? Good. It talks. It talks like, does it have to make the little hand mouth sign kind of thing?

No, there's just like a disembodied voice. And I mean, this is also super embargoed, but it is, it's James Earl Jones. Whoa. Darth Vader himself. Yes. From field of dreams. Yes. And a third thing.

I'm going to get so dinged for this. I, I, I'm sharing all the twists. That's okay. It's come out by now by the time we're doing this. So if you want to see this gila monster arm coming out of a woman's vagina and is it just, is it graphic? Oh yeah. Okay.

Good. Yeah. Yeah. Great. So then watch reboot. Yeah. Um, three episodes out right now and more to come. Uh, I would think, although did, did they just end it after that thing comes out?

Or are they just like, look, this is, this is the high point. Well then the lizard arm takes out a snow globe. Oh, okay. So you're in the verse. I love it. James. I love it. Well, look, we have to take a break, but these are two great projects, uh, both reboot and

kiss and tell. Uh, we're going to take a break when we come back, we have a postal worker and a small business owner. Rachel, can you stick around and talk to these people? Yeah. I'd love to. This, I mean, this is a big, big show. Yeah.

Celebs are back. End of September edition, 777 baby. We will be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Comedy bang bang.

We're back. Rachel Bloom is here. Of course, kiss and tell out, uh, wherever you get your audio books, but of course on Audible, Google play, uh, et cetera. And then, uh, reboot also is out and, uh, three episodes of that are out right now. And, uh, this is a big week. For you. Yeah.

But you seem depressed about it. What's wrong, Rachel? Um, I missed the lizard arm. You want it back? Miss it. You missed having it up there? Yeah. Oh.

Maybe feel warm, cozy. Oh, I'm sorry. You could, I mean, props could probably, if you make a call, maybe they haven't destroyed it by now, right? Or are they keeping it for season two? Well, they're keeping it for season two, and if not, they're going to set it on eBay. Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

We'll cheer up. We have more show. Oh, great. Here. Oh, you're excited by that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Great. I am a sociopath. Oh, understandable. You don't understand human emotions. No. Okay. I'm just mirroring you. Oh, okay.

You are. Oh. Oh. Oh. Okay. I love my wife. Cool up. Thank you so much.

Well, that's so nice to hear. Well, speaking of people we love, let's get to our next guest, and we're going to love them, even though I've never met him before, but nor have you, right? So this is, although that would not be weird if you had met our next guest before. I'm assuming I've never met them before. They've never been on the show before, but let's get to him. He's a postal worker. Please welcome to the show Chris Orchard.

Scotty. Hey. Good to see you, man. Bring it in. Bring it in? No. What do you mean? Ow.

What did you just do to me? I do hugs, man. Was that noise you just made? I do hugs, man. You hug? I don't hug people. Hello. I don't hug people I just met.

I'm sorry. I thought we'd talk before. I bring by your mail. I brought by your mail before we've had a few. Oh, you're my postal worker? Yeah. Yeah. When you say before, daily?

Well. Did you just have done it every once in a while? This is Rachel Bloom, by the way. Oh, hi, Rachel Bloom. Nice to meet you. Hi. I'm Chris Orchard. Oh, nice to meet you.

Do you prefer Chris or Mr. Orchard? Oh, Chris is fine. Okay. Chris is fine. By the way, we can't set precedent that we're going to start calling guests Mr. whatever their name is. Our workers have like an official, you know, like doctor, professor, like an official kind of mon...

Like posty. Yeah, post... Postmate. Are you a mate who delivers the post? We call each other mate, but that's not something that the general public calls us. Oh, okay. So it's kind of official. And I would never appropriate that.

Bring it in, Rachel. Oh! Sorry. I'm just in a great mood. I'm sorry. You have really long nails. Yeah. Those are like Alistair Crowley or something.

Well, you know, when you're out delivering the mail sometimes. I'm trying to think of the person with the longest nails that I could and I just took a shot at Alistair Crowley because he was a witch or a magician. So I have no idea. I've never even seen his fingernails. I've seen him up there in the Hotel California cover, the Eagles album. He's up there in the bell tower, I believe. But no shot of the nails?

No shot of the nails. Well, it might get pretty long because, you know, I'm always... You did have his hands on the windowsill and you see like the shadows. Yeah, that's why all of the like young girls on TikTok go like, oh my God, my nails are so Alistair Crowley. You know, the cultists to claim to fuck the devil. Anyway. Anyway, hi.

You're in a good mood. Yeah, I'm in a great mood. What's going on? Well, Scott, I got a lot to tell you. Oh, okay. Well, we have a full segment devoted to you. So this is good news because otherwise it would just be me and Rachel bullshitting for another 25 minutes or so and no one wants to hear that.

Well, Rachel, I want to tell you too. I want to tell anyone who will listen. Scott, I'm seeing somebody. Great. You had not been up till now or? Well, this is my most recent relationship. I mean, I would hope so. It's the fact it's currently going on.

Well, it's it's we've been together for about six months. And, you know, there before that it had been a little... You know, it had been a little while, but. Well, congrats. So it's like your six months anniversary or coming up. Cool. Coming up. So you're just here to say you're seeing someone. Well, yeah, I'm just I just wanted to tell you because, you know, we've had a few

conversations before. Have we dropped off your mail at the house or here at the studio? Well, sometimes they have been messing around with my routes. Different route every day. This is a bad system for mail carry. I get, well, they give you the route that week, but then you have to memorize it. Yeah, you got to memorize it. You're not allowed to use GPS.

You have to be off book. They don't. Yeah, you have to be off book. They don't have GPS in the mail trucks. That's why they have a Tony award. Oh, right. I forgot about that. That's right.

Because of the first mail carrier's name was Tony. That's how they named the award, Anthony. Well, yeah, Anthony Mail, Anthony, which he got his name when he came over to Ellis Island, they were like, what gender are you? And he said, male and they thought that was put in the wrong box, which of course, you know, and that guy was then killed by the unabomber. Yeah. So many years later, after he was a hundred, yeah, he was about there.

We don't oldest unabomber victim. Yeah. We don't want to talk about the young. Look, I don't want to talk about the guy. Why are we bringing it down, talking about Tony Mail? I just want to talk about my. I just want to talk about my new girlfriend. So we had no mail questions for you at all.

No postal service. No, no, no. Just here to talk about your. I just want to tell the world that I'm in love. And it's crazy. I mean, it's like a total opposites attract situation. So like a Paul Abdull MC scat cat kind of thing. Exactly.

Exactly. Opposites attract. That was the name of that. That was the name of that video. That's right. It's it's we are completely different people. I mean, it's like she likes green beans. I like shrimp.

You can like both. Or are you saying that you exclusively like those things? She likes to read books. I love to sing. I'm a mailman. She works for the DMV. These are not opposites, right, Rachel? I mean, these are like just two separate things.

I'm telling you, we've got no business being together, but she's my missing piece. I just I guess like my just a side question is, how do you book this show? I don't, you know, to be honest, very surprised. So yeah, I don't do it, but you're someone's here to plug their relationship. Yeah, I do. Unfortunately, our producer, Devon is out and we have Sam over here and Sam,

you know, I mean, honestly, he's like sleeping in the other room right now. Like to be honest, I don't even know what's going on with him. I don't know how you got booked on. I mean, did you just deliver the mail? How did you get on the show? Well, I when I was delivering the mail, I saw the little clipboard that has the people that you book on the show and I put my name on there just because I'm so excited about my relationship.

It's a sign up sheet, essentially, is what we saw like John Hamm. And then you're just like, just put your name right there. So let's her back. But and this guy, I guess, and I love. Yeah, I heard this place had an open door policy, but I thought I'll try to go through the, you know, regular channels. Yeah, you know, I mean, it seems like this show, I say celebs are back, but it seems like we usually have a celeb on at the top of the show.

And then like, I mean, the show, it's like a small business owner and a postal worker. I don't know, you know, but please tell us about your relationship. I mean, this is like exciting for you. We don't know you. So this is, you know, it's less exciting for us, I guess. Well, Scott, I don't know. Like you just be happy for it. I'm sorry.

I am. Look, I'm genuinely happy for another human being when I hear that they are having a good time. And this, you know, as human beings, we trick ourselves into thinking that our lives are bad so often that to see someone who's genuinely happy with where they're at, that that brings a smile to my face. Yeah. And apparently to Rachel's. Because she's mirroring me. I would and staring at me.

I love hosting this podcast. I would also love to hear. I would just love to hear about more about more of the things that are opposites, like in rapid list form, honestly. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, there's like, how rapid can you go? Because you have sort of a slow voice. You never said that to you. You know, I don't talk a lot when I'm out on the road.

I can understand. It's a solitary job. I talk to somebody a little stubble it over by words. I understand. I understand. But anyway, yeah, what are these opposites? Well, it's like you've all been in this type of relationship before. I say tomato. She says potato referring to the same thing or because she sounds when we're trying to have a conversation.

I'm saying tomato. I say she's saying potato. Got it. Normally, when you all have a conversation, you want to be saying the same thing. But we are just on totally different pages. How does the stew turn out, though? The stew. Yeah.

Yeah. Sounds pretty. I mean, I'm assuming you're discussing a stew. We're taping this at dinner time, by the way. And so, I mean, Rachel and I, we're salivating talking about this. That's the thing is that I used to always like an all-tomato stew. I mean, that was kind of my thing. Sounds like tomato soup to me. Is that what you're talking about with the grilled cheese?

No, tomato stew with a little bit of a braise. Like stewed tomatoes? Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, stewed tomato stew. Disgusting. Well, that's what she said. And learning. Hey, y'all right.

Finally. We're getting into some humor. She's just opening up my mind to all kinds of different things. I did not think I was going to like a tomato potato stew, but it turns out the fact that she likes it, that makes me happy. So she liked just eating, like, what? Raw potatoes or? Yeah. Well, she wanted to have potatoes for dinner.

I was like tomato and she was like potatoes. And I was like, we're talking about stew here. Oh, OK. She's like, let's put them in the stew. Let's do it together. Wow, congrats, man. Thanks, man. I'm just so happy about this.

So this is this is the rapid list that we're hearing. You know, I can be stubborn. She can be greedy. She likes Joe Biden. I think Al Gore should have won. His particular presidential run. Y2K. Do you come from a universe in which Y2K happened?

Well, it happened for all of us, right? The year. Oh, like the she apocalyptic event where all the computers. Oh, the apocalyptic event. No, that didn't happen. OK, OK, I just want to make sure that you weren't from a universe. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You're talking about a lot of universes earlier. He's he's he's using Y2K to refer to the rear. Got it. The rear. Hey, look at that Y2K. Yeah, I just call it. In this issue of perfectly legal. Look at this Y2K.

Is your ass Y2K? Because it destroyed society. I said that to her the other day. Yeah. And she was like, weird coincidence. Yeah, it is weird. Now that I'm calling it out. Yeah.

Maybe I never did that. And I just thought I did after I heard her say. I think that's more likely. Get back to this list. I love this list. I love it. I'm from the rough side of the tracks. She's from a place with no trains.

She likes to get dressed up and have drinks. I like to wear a hat to bed. OK, now what hat are you wearing to bed? Is it baseball cap? Baseball cap. Yeah. Every single day. Well, I like to.

Oh, but she doesn't let you. You don't allow yourself to do it. Well, sometimes I forget. Sometimes she's like, we're trying to cuddle. The brim is sticking into my neck. Could you possibly wear this Beastie Boy style? Yeah. And she suggested that.

She suggested that. And I was like, I don't do that. But if it would make you happy, I'll try. And guess what? I actually kind of liked it. OK, good, good. I don't know why you're wearing this hat to bed. Is it in the way when you're rolling over or are you just?

Well, by the way, are you are you a face down sleeper? Well, I used to be a straight on my back sleeper with the brim pointing up. Now I'm a side sleeper because I've got the Beastie Boy's cap. Right, to the side. To the side. Yeah, got it.

But sometimes when I'm feeling a little bro-y, I'll sleep on my stomach with the hat turned backwards. OK, there we go. But I think people who sleep face down are lunatics. What do you think about this, Rachel? When you say sleep face down, you're talking about someone whose entire face is in the pillow. Yes, all night, just like a corpse.

I would say 5% of the population does this. Are you? Really? Really, yeah. There are people who sleep with their face in a pillow. Yeah, what do you think about this? I worry. Yeah, it's pure madness.

Is there like, SIDS for adults? There should be. SIDS? In any case, get back to this list. Oh, you're on board. I was just thinking about SIDS. Yeah, we were just talking about it. Yeah, I know.

Was I thinking about SIDS or did I start thinking about it? Because she said. I think this list of opposites is really beautiful, because I think the reason, if I had to guess, the reason you're on here is what you really want to share is the compromises you make. Yeah, I know. And I never used to be this guy.

I mean, you know me, Scott. I don't know you at all, actually. But go ahead. I have a type. I used to have a type. Why would I know that? Was it women who looked a lot like? I thought we had some.

I dropped off some mail and we talked once. We never. I have never spoken to you. I used to always go after the girls. Who looked like envelopes. Did you ever like, were you dating someone and you realized, oh my gosh, she looks exactly like a manila envelope? I'm not allowed to mess with the envelopes.

But you know that there are people who look like envelopes. Oh, yeah. Like would you go for envelope looking people? Like wide mouth. Wide mouth? Metal thing in the middle. Yeah. Like a lot of like a grill.

One eye. I'm trying to think of a person who looks like this. No, the types of girls I used to always go for were girls who like shrimp and like to sing. Because we had a lot in common. Yeah, because we had a lot in common. But I'm trying to think of. Did any of them look like to sing?

Well, she likes to read books. But does she like to sing? She'll sing along sometime. So it's really. All right, let's get back to the list. You having to open your phone and put in your password every time, by the way, is just slowing this down. OK, go ahead.

Did I ever date an envelope? Back when I was. The mail trucks. No, you're not talking about real envelopes. No, I'm talking about people. People who look like them. Yeah, sure. My apartment is a mess.

I'm sorry. Her apartment has 65 crystal clear photographs of Sasquatch and other cryptics. I mean, we should not be together. We should not. We are totally different. All my friends. Did she take these these photographs?

Yeah, she did. Oh, wait, this is the bigger. This is huge. Yeah, this is huge. I mean, she said. She has evidence of Sasquatch. Yeah, can we talk to her instead? Or you want me to call her up?

This is, you know, she's she's always bringing up her cryptids whenever, you know, she's seeing how messy my apartment is. Yeah, yeah, I have to talk about her crypt. Like, how does that go? She's like, oh, this apartment is so messy. We could. Shouldn't it be more like?

Shouldn't it be more like mine? Nice photos on the wall of Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster, Bessie, Nessie, Nessie. Who's Bessie? No one. Who's bet? There's never been a Bessie. Is it cow?

How exactly? That's what I'm talking about. Cows aren't cryptids. No, they're not. But they are. They are animals. Can we agree? We all know that cows, cows definitely exist.

I think so. I've seen one or two. I've been trying to tell Jennifer that she does have a couple of pictures of cows. Just a regular like those are not cryptids, baby. Yeah, a bell around the neck. Just does the Sasquatch photo, are we sure it's not just Robin Williams?

From that one episode of Mark. From the more commendi when he's just torn apart. But that's in a different universe, right? Oh, right. The one where. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, that's a good point. It's definitely not that.

It's not in our universe. Do I 2K happen? You're still on that. It kind of looked like Robin Williams. OK, let's get back to your list. I'd love to hear more opposites. OK, swiping in goes the passcode. Sorry.

iPhone 6. Why do you have such an old iPhone? Because I don't have a lot of money. Oh, that's right. OK. She likes to have a laugh with friends. I'm always getting stuck in elevators. Why?

Well, because I have to deliver the mail. And sometimes you go inside. If you have a big package, you got to take it up to there. But they're getting stuck part. No, that's what that's what I'm stuck on. Speaking of stuck, why are you stuck in these elevators? Well, sometimes I don't know how to work it. Every other.

The button, the elevate, it's a different elevator every time. I'm going to they all have it's a standard system of buttons. You press a button. Yeah, this is why you're getting stuck. You're just entering the elevator and you're not pressing a button. The number. So it just stays. There's the number refers to what floor you want to be on.

And it counts upwards from the bottom. Oh, see, I was always I would they're ascending rather than descending. Oh, see, I would go in there and then I would just kind of wait. And then at some point, the elevator would start moving. Right, because someone has called it. And then I would get out and there'd be another person there. And I look around and so you know enough to press the button to make it open. Yeah, I just have to say I'm very sorry because the system has failed you.

You need a money back guarantee from your teacher. Look, teachers and mailmen were thick as thieves. I'm not. Are you? I couldn't tell who was going to be an opposite. Teachers and mailmen are pretty much the exact same. Two sides of the same coin. Yeah, I'm like Joker in the Batman. Yeah, unlike people work at the DMV.

Right. Exactly. Completely different. OK, any more on this list? How long would it take for you to open your phone again? Well, let's see. I'm trying to do it now. Scrolling. Scrolling. Why? Why do you have to scroll? Are you scrolling away from it every time you say one of these? She likes to smoke cigarettes.

Oh, I actually kind of like to eat green beans. I think you mentioned that at the top. Well, at the top, it was her that likes the. She likes green beans. Oh, right. Right. So let's let's list your likes food wise. OK, green beans, sort of shrimp. Steward. For sure. I love shrimp.

Love shrimp, stewed tomatoes, stewed tomatoes. And now. Tomato, potatoes, stew. I kind of you're working that in there. You're working it. Yeah. OK, good. Yeah, I don't like cigarettes. Don't like cigarettes. She does. Right. And and does she like? Yes, she does like green beans. OK, good.

Yeah, she likes green beans. I don't know why she likes you because you seem like a weird dude. I don't know why she likes me either, man. All the signs are pointing to this should never work. But I'm telling you, it does. Mainly because of what an odd person you are, getting into random elevators, just sitting there for hours.

I'm not the one with the totas of Sasquatch on my wall. Look, this is a good point. She sounds weird, too. OK, you're made for each other. Congratulations. Thank you. That's all I wanted to say. Wow. OK. Do you have any mail for him? Do I have any mail for him? Yeah.

Yeah, right here. Oh, thank you. What is what is this? Well, it's a letter. It's open already. Yeah, it's from the Scientology Center. Oh, my God, I've been accepted. We accepted you based on your. Oh, you're Scientologist. I'm not supposed to say that.

I'm a mailman. I heard they can deny it if anyone asks them, by the way. That was a new wrinkle I just heard. OK, look, we have to take a break. When we come back, we have a small business owner. Celebs are back, baby. We'll be right back with more Rachel Blume, more Chris Orchard.

We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. Rachel Blume is here. We have reboot, of course, on Hulu, which almost rhymes. You have to admit that reboot. No, I don't have to. You don't have to.

I don't have to do anything. Come on, man. Back me up. You're my wingman on this show. Oh, no. We also have Chris Orchard is here. Postal worker to the stars. And to one. To one, yeah. And hopefully, Rachel, I can deliver your mail to you.

Do they let you do that? Do I have do I have a do I have a say? Yeah. Do I have a do you can request a specific? Really? Well, because I mean, these days, they're getting obviously they're they're changing the routes all the time. So I'll be a train to make it. Well, you know, sometimes I'm taking it to your house. Sometimes I'm taking it here.

It seems kind of like it's a some sort of. It sounds like a gerrymandering situation. There might be some corruption there. I'm looking into it. Oh, yeah, because I'm I miss their time or on company time? On company time. Well, some because I mean, sometimes on my spare time, sometimes on company when I'm with my coworkers,

I got to ask them to be like, how do we all feel about the fact that they keep like messing with all the routes? It seems like they're doing here's my question. When you're done delivering the mail and it's like your three hours early, do you still get paid for those three hours? Or are you trying to do it as slowly as possible in order to like get paid longer? Well, I tend to be a little bit of a slower guy. I've noticed that.

So I like to take my time with things and, you know, I'm not in any rush. And when I've got some downtime, I got time to like, you know, look into what's going on, the corruption up top, the corruption up top. Yeah, it goes all the way to the top from what I hear. That's what I think. President of the United States. If it does, then I'm coming after him. I look forward to that.

Well, let's get to our next guest. He's a small business owner, and I'm pleased as punched to announce that he's been on the show several times. He's the owner of Kissy's Grocers in Downey, California. Is that right? That's right, Scott. And please welcome back to the show, Albert Rowe. Hello. Hey, Scott, thanks for having me. Are you OK? You didn't say hello, everyone.

Yeah, hello, everyone. Yeah. Hello. I just things haven't been going so hot. I don't remember if you I don't know if you remember last time I was here. I proclaimed that I was. You remember anything about the last time you saw me? Not really. Not a single thing. It's been purged from my memory. But go ahead and remind me.

Last time I was here, I said I was fucked. Things were going things were going really bad. I had to, you know, sort of alter the business in a couple of ways. We joined the metaverse. A lot of stuff just not going great. You know, as some of you might not know, Rachel, we've never remember before. What was your name?

My name is Chris Orchard. Chris Orchard. I'm sorry you're feeling bad. Oh, that's not a hug. What you're doing, by the way. No, yeah, you're scratching. You're doing a big scratch. I was Alistair's.

Sorry. Just trying to cheer you up. You know, I got a little something from it. You know, nobody's given me a hug in a long time. I've really? Yeah. I've been going on. I mean, completely alone. I had to purge my entire staff at the grocery store. And the thing you got to know about my grocery.

Mass layoffs. And I had to do it myself. He said meant that he killed everyone. Maybe. I don't know what he does there. I did not kill anyone. Somebody did die during the process and it had nothing to do with it. OK. Yeah.

Really? But on your during company time and on the ground, it was yeah, it was a it was a fucking mess. Are you insured for that? Yeah, I have pretty good insurance. As you know, I'm I've been massive inherited wealth. Yeah, your Jeff Bezos is Jeff Bezos. This is my my paternal father, my paternal paternal paternal father. My paternal father. That's right.

The other thing about Albert, for those of you who are listening for the first time and also Rachel and probably Chris, although maybe you deliver his mail. But sometimes you get all the way out to Downey when they tell me. That's really far too far. That's a different county. Yeah. But I guess Kissies is a grocery store out there where you have one pretty much one's promise

that you promise every customer. I will kiss every single item in the store. That's my guarantee. I give it a nice polish and a nice smooch. Not in front of the people you do this beforehand. No, that's something we've added, though. We have like started like sort of doing like sort of back room kissing sessions if you want to pay a premium.

Because look, I I got to keep the lights on. I'm it's not going good. This is a failing business at this point. I can't imagine COVID was kind to you. No, and I was also not kind to COVID. We did not adhere to any of the. It's like an opposite to track kind of situation. Yeah, it's sort of like a M.C.

Scat, Cat and Paula Abdul sort of thing. I made that reference before. Is that the name of that song? Yeah, I think so. I don't know if I because I I heard that, but I don't know if I thought of it because you said. Oh, I see. OK, you were here for that.

But I yeah, we just did not adhere to any of it. A lot of people got COVID in my store, but it was because in that during that time, business was booming because a lot of people did not want to wear a mask at the store. They didn't want to do six feet. Well, also, you sold exclusively toilet paper from what I was reading.

I sold a lot of to it. We yeah, you hoarded it essentially. We hoarded it and that, you know, we sold one sheet each. Yeah, so that we made every sheet. That's right before they use it, of course. OK, don't be crass, Scott. I know you probably are thinking I kissed it after they wiped. We're trying to figure that out, baby.

But some people using it in the store. We do not allow customers to use the bathroom at our store. Just people who are stopping by. Why? Just to be the opposite. Usually, like if you're a customer, they let you use the bathroom. But if you're not a customer, they don't. I tell you, when I was growing up,

it was they didn't have bathrooms. And they had an employee bathroom in every grocery store. And they and if you ever had to use it, I was a little boy and they would just be like, you had to go into this dark room. Yeah, yeah, it was very frightening. Now they have these beautiful, beautiful bathrooms. Gorgeous, beautiful bathrooms. You had to go into this dark room.

Into a dark room. Was there a man in there? Yeah, this is a nice gentleman. Oh, yeah, so that wasn't a bathroom. Oh, you can use our bathroom. But it's the scary one for employees only. Yeah, I remember going through these like the plastic strips that were hanging down that separate the back from the.

So close to where they store the milk. I had to go through the cold. Yeah, I had to go through where they stored the milk. It was freezing. You'd be freezing. But are those plastic strips a barrier to entry to anyone? I think they must. I mean, certainly they stopped the cold from coming out.

I think that's a good point. OK, good point. Plastic stops cold. Yeah, plastic stops cold. That's on that's written on the walls in our store. My store is made of glass also. Just so people know, like, what are these? What are these plastic?

What's this plastic doing here? Don't fucking ask me. It says it right there. Plastic stops the cold. OK, that have been like an alternative to masking in the pandemic. Could we all have worn plastic plastic strips like like Zoidberg and Futurama just kind of billowing in front of our face?

I've been trying to dress like Zoidberg more often. So that would I would have loved that. Yeah, I probably would have I would have complied with that. Anything that's Zoidberg adjacent, I would have loved. Yeah, I also love anything Zoidberg adjacent, namely shrimp. Zoidberg loves shrimp. That is a detail from his character, Futurama. That's right. He loves it.

Don't know what even though he is. He is it. He and he also kind of is, isn't he? Yeah, he's sort of he's got the we all eat things that we look like. That's true. Anyway, why are you here? I'm here because I've trying to diversify the business now.

You know, we started as a grocery store. I'm trying to verse the biz. I'm trying to verse the biz out. Metaverse didn't work. NFTs didn't work. Our app, Kissies Prime didn't work, but we're sort of rebranding the app, Kissies Prime. And I'm happy to say we're getting into content, baby.

OK, we're getting into content. We're seeing there's a massive hole in the business. There's not enough streamers anymore. They're purging content from websites and stuff. I mean, it would be great to have another streamer who would buy things. Yeah, well, we're trying to pick up anything that will come over to us, especially anything

that's left my father's business, Amazon Prime. They would not sell us. They would not sell us Lord of the Rings. They would not do it. What about paper girls? They're not giving you that? They would not give. No, they destroyed it.

They canceled paper girls. They canceled paper girls. And they also were like. Your dad is such a prick. Yo, he burned it right in front of me. I was like, father, father, please, can I have paper girls? That's like burning $300 in front of us. That's how much I offered for it.

I don't got a lot of money anymore. I'm fucked here. Yeah, they're coming for your neck from what I understand. They're coming for my neck. And just so you know, it's yeah. So now you thought I was in trouble with those grocery stores. Now I got Hulu barking down my neck.

I got Netflix. Because they want your content? Or they're suing you? Or they want you to get out? They don't want me to get in this business because they know I'll be too good at it. They're going to say, oh, everyone's going to go. What's the content you're eyeing?

Well, you know, we are trying. I'm trying to go after a lot of canceled programming to make people happy because, you know, people miss these shows that were canceled. Obviously, we did not succeed with paper girls. We are trying to get House of Cards on our show, on our platform. Well, I don't know if that was canceled.

Yeah. I think it ended. I don't know. I think maybe went on too long, some might say. We're trying to get that. We're trying to get. Are you getting it back with K-Space? Well, look, I'm trying to just revive the whole thing.

I'm just going to get what every people. Interesting that a guy has two nicknames. Kaisos. That's right. K-Pax. No, K-Sos, K-Pax, K-Space. We're trying to. And we're trying to make his Christmas videos.

Kate Spade. That's true. Yeah. Well, we're trying to make his Christmas videos can into the show as well. So we're trying to canonize that, restore the cards of verses, the hashtag, if you want to participate in that. No, thank you.

Are you doing anything kissy style with this kind of stuff? We are doing unscripted as well. We are shot. I know what I asked, but what do you mean? What I mean is, you know about my reality show? You know your whole thing about, like, you kiss everything? Oh, yeah. My kissing, yeah.

Every episode, every reel of every episode that we release. So every 20 minutes or so? Every 20 minutes. That's right. Are you doing film? Some of it's film. Shooting on film. Yeah, we're shooting it on film.

That's harder to stream than digital. With projectors and like people manning the projectors. We have a projector going on a big screen and then we have a digital out camera filming the film to projection. That's good for projection. Oh, it's like how you do old home movies. Yeah, that's how it's a transfer.

It's sort of like a transfer. Yeah, but you know, you have to, somebody has to change the reel 20 minutes in later. So we do that. Slice the reels together. Look, all that stuff's above my pay grade. I'm just funding the operation. You're also kissing every reel.

Yeah, I'm also kissing every single thing. There's also, there's going to be a kissies and chill sort of situation where if you want, I will come over to your house and I'll give you and your partner a kiss on the forehead while you watch something for a little bit and then start smangin'. I'm just curious how how Me Too affected you.

How? I did great during it. I came out on top. More of the same? Yeah, more of the same. Nothing, nothing. Everything writes itself. Yes.

You know what I mean? So there was a little bit of a hiccup with Me Too, but eventually it got back to normal. Yeah, of course, corrected. I sort of, let's just say I didn't do it for a little while. I see. But it's also, I'm not kissing anybody without their consent either.

It is sort of like, hey, this is what goes on in here. If you don't want any of that. Without their implied consent. No, because I remember I pass out buttons that say, it's fine for me to do this. Give me that smooch. That's very progressive. Yeah, thank you very much.

I try. I guess I'm a woke king. It's hard, but it's, you know, not for me, because actually it actually comes really easy to me because I'm a good guy. Are you a good kisser? I have no complaints thus far. I'll tell you that.

Really? Yeah. Really? Boy, who's going to complain? A pancake, an apple, a can of soup. These people that you say you're going to be. It's probably actually sounds a lot like the cast of the Julie Child show I'm doing.

Yeah, BB Newworth had no complaints. Nobody, it's hard to mess up a kiss on the forehead. I guess you can make it a little too wet or too long, but it's like there's not really, that's not a really, it's not a, there's not a back and forth. Have you ever kissed anyone on the lips? Well, Scott, I don't know what you want me to say here.

Can we stop for a second? You want to shut down? Can we just shut down? I'm sorry, just to stop for a second. Yeah, I promise I won't work this part. Yeah. I guess I just didn't know you were going to fucking try to gotcha me today.

What the fuck is this? I apologize. I mean, you talk about kissing so much, I thought that. Yeah, I talk about it. You don't ask me where I've kissed. What? I mean, I'm supposed to ask you questions, right? I'm fucking humiliated here.

Along monologue, I know you were probably prepared to do just along monologue. I prepared so much. Your content you were going to buy. All this content. But I'm sorry, but have you ever kissed anyone? I mean, it's okay if you haven't. Could you promise me that it's just not going to be

at the show? I'll tell you off air. Well, so we stopped recording. Yeah. Because you know I have 11 children. Yeah. But do you do pretty woman roles? That's what I call it.

Really? First, I got to smack your hand. With a ring box or whatever? Yeah, with a ring box. I haven't seen it. Before that, I deny you entry into a business. Okay. I'm sort of guessing what the plot might be.

Is Jason Alexander involved in this? He is not involved in this at all. Hector Elizondo. I think this is the cast, right? I think so. Richard Gears there? Sure. Well, of course, yeah.

Even I know that. There's no gerbil hiding or hair anywhere near anybody. Is he constantly sort of rubbing his butt? Kind of going like, ow. Let's just say he's not sitting down quick. In pretty woman. Yeah, but to answer your question, and then we can get back into the show.

Yeah, please. I've never kissed on the lips before. This is sad. Well, we started the show by kissing. It's the most natural thing to do when you're on a show. Do you want, I don't know, do you want to finally kiss? You want to kiss us? You want to kiss both of us?

I guess. What about me? Oh, I forgot you were here. Honestly, that worked. You haven't talked in 15 minutes. Jesus Christ, man, you scared me. Okay, I will fucking shit. Dude, clear your throat or something before you talk.

It's like fucking creepy. All right, hey man. No, come on, yeah, you can kiss too, I guess, if you're into it. Yeah, if this is something we all agree to, I'll kiss all of you and then we can just get back into the show and then I'll answer appropriately that yes, I have done that.

Okay, yeah. Should we do a four-way or do you want to do one at a time? I think just four for expedience. Four-way, yeah. Yeah, that way you can all sort of get it at once. All right, here we go, ready?

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. I'll stop hugging us with your long fingernails. Sorry, sorry. Okay. That was good. Okay, good. Okay, yeah, okay, do you want to come back to the show? Okay, I'm sorry that I got so...

Sam, let's pick it back up here. Here we go, and... Yeah, sorry, I got the fact. Three. I'm doing the two silently. Okay. Then I'm pointing at you, okay, ready? Three.

Dude. I've kissed on the lips before and everyone fucking loves it. Yeah, I don't know how I would add it that last part. How did you feel about it, Rachel, did you? Not the best kiss I've ever had. I mean, is that the... Is it anything less than that?

Anything less than that? It's not good. I thought it was fine. I've only had one best kiss I've ever had. Everything else was dog shit. For me, it was kind of... Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, dude! Dude!

You have to... You have to tell us you're here. I do? I'm sitting here. You're like human amnesia, I forget that you're here. You've also been like, I don't know, you've been hiding in that bag of mail. Yes, well, after you started talking about envelopes,

you got a horny problem? I thought maybe I'm trying all these new things lately. Maybe I'd try out envelopes. Okay, I'll announce I'm here every time I talk. Or at least if it's gotta be like a good five minutes. Okay, you don't have to if we're in the middle of a conversation because obviously we've been... Okay.

Oh, Jesus, fuck, okay, that didn't scare me. I'm talking, I'm saying okay. Okay, great. All right, Albert. Yes. So you've kissed on the lips. I've kissed on the lips to much acclaim. And it's obviously a big part of my business

and I want people to know that just because they're watching something on TV doesn't mean that they can't also have that experience. I'll kiss the... I'll go down to the server warehouse, kiss all the servers too, why not? What? You know, to get things on the internet,

there's like large warehouses. I thought you were talking about servers like at a restaurant. No, I know you love talking about restaurants, but that's not what I talk about at all. What are you listening to my other show? Restaurant Roundup? I love Restaurant Roundup.

Oh, okay, always nice to meet a face. Yeah, I hope this turns the business around for me because I know that people love streaming, people love paying for subscriptions. So I hope... They love paying like a small amount of money for a lot of things. They love that and the line...

It's like a tapas, but for TV. Yeah, and that's sort of what we say at Kisses Prime. We did things a little differently around here. Have you been with us before? Yeah, have you watched TV before? Every single time you turn on the TV. How much is the subscription? Okay, so don't be mad.

You can't start with that. I just, you can't be mad. If we're mad, we're mad. I just need you to promise me that you can't be upset. I can't promise you like an emotion, I can promise you an action, I can't promise you an emotion. Okay.

I don't act in rage, but I'm gonna feel however I'm gonna feel. Okay, so it's fucking expensive, okay? Okay, we're getting that. Because we're not, it's... We wouldn't be mad if it were free. How much is it? Okay, so you wouldn't be mad.

That's good feedback to have. If it was free, you wouldn't be mad. We wouldn't be mad. Are you pricing it based on our reaction to it? It's a game time decision. You know, it's in beta right now. So we are charging $50 a week for the service. A week?

But think about what you're getting. You're getting new episodes. What are, you haven't even brought this up. Of potentially house of cards. It's right now it's blank. That's the only thing you've mentioned. So I'm paying $50 for a blank streaming service? The only thing you've mentioned actually

is Kevin Spacey's Christmas videos. Yeah, well we have that stuff. We, I just, I sent that, you know, I typed in YouTube to MP4 download on Google. Yeah, this is all stuff that's on YouTube already though. Like do you have exclusive content? Well I'm telling, I was trying to tell you about my Kissy's unscripted series

but you had no interest in it. You wanted to go blue and ask me if I've kissed on the lips before, pervert. I'm sorry, tell us about your unscripted show. Well it's a, thank you for asking me. It's a reality show set in my grocery store. We're in, you see me kissing the items and such. I'm here right now, I'm announcing my presence.

Okay, okay, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm speaking. Okay, good. I've got an idea for a show. Hit me. Were you in the running it off for Scott's air pod show? We did, we lost a bidding war over the air pod. Yeah, your dad got it.

Yeah, he got it. He's so happy, my friend Spam called me. But you know what? You know why he got it? You know why he got it? S-Pam risk. She's so hot. God, oh.

I hate to judge her. You can't say that. I hate to judge her on her physical attributes but you heard her voice. You are working with her, she is your executive. She's so fucking hot. You can't not say that about Ms. Risk. Can you call her a smoke show?

No. Okay. Unless she's made or so. That's what the S stands for, smoke show, spam risk. Now you probably feel silly, don't you? Now you feel stupid, don't you? Wow. Now I know how I wine steam feel.

Bad? That's what they're not really talking about. He feels really bad. Yeah. He's so, he's like horrified that he did this. You know why my dad picked up the movie and I hate to put this type of negativity out there? Yeah.

He wanted it because I wanted it. A classic sort of like big dicking me. Yeah, still he wanted it. I'm sorry, I thought you said a classic big dick in me and I thought you just revealed something terrible. No, there was a G. Yeah, okay. I'm good, good.

Yeah, yeah, no. No. Well, Albert, I don't know that this is gonna work. I hate for you to come in depressed every single time, but it seems like every single time you come on the show you're depressed because the previous thing you talked about doesn't work. So you do remember the last time I was here?

No. Isn't that something, that's interesting. I just remember your general countenance, which is always depressed. Look, my life's hard. You know how hard it is to be a billionaire because of inherited wealth? It's not easy.

People think it's easy because oh yeah, I have all the money in the world, I can do whatever I want. It's hard. Starting a streaming service, I don't even know how the computer works. Okay, we gotta get you both, by the way, you're still here.

We gotta. I'm here. Yeah, now I'm taking to announcing that you're here. We gotta get you both lessons about things. You need computer lessons. We need the geek squad on this. You for elevators, do they have geek squad for elevators? I think that's just known as an elevator repair.

If it's a fancy building where there's an attendant, that might be a geek squad for elevators. Private residence, kind of the doorman. Yeah, so wait, that's your show. That's the show. That's your prestige streaming show. Listen to Rachel, she's an Emmy winner. Elevator attendant.

Yes, he sees everybody. Interesting, can I be the star? Why are you asking me? I think we need to go diverse, I'm sorry. Okay, that's fair enough, that's fair, that's fair. I'll accept that, that's fine. I have no issues with that. Can I be in it?

Oh jeez, fucking shit dude. I don't know if you can be in it because I don't know if anyone will notice you're in it. Yeah, I don't know if the cameras pick you up. Are you in a freaking vampire? I'm a mailman. Those aren't opposites. They're pretty opposite to me.

Okay, what's the opposite of a vampire? I guess mailman, they do deliver during the day. Yes. Yeah, that's right. Okay, you're right. And they eat a lot of garlic. The opposite of vampire is mailman. Yeah.

Okay, it's honestly of the opposites thus far, the closest. All right, look guys, we're running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show. That's a little something called plugs. ["Stop Lights For Fun Songs"] Stop lights for fun songs. Stop lights for fun songs.

Ooh, I love the length on that. That was Scott likes short plug songs by Ryan Keaton. Thank you so much to Ryan Keaton for that. And let's plug it up. Rachel, what do you want to plug here? I mean, I think we got a circle back to Kiss and Tell. Kiss and Tell. Which is already out, came out September 20th.

Wherever you get your audio books and reboot on Hulu. Come for Keegan-Michael Key. Stay for the lizard arm. That's right, that's right. Okay, two great things to plug. Man, what a week to be you. Out of all the weeks of the year. This week?

The final week of September. The final week of September is always a week to be anyone. We only got it one week a year. Okay, what's your name? Chris, Chris Orchard. I'm here. What do you want to plug? Well, there's a guy that I sometimes deliver mail to

when I'm doing, when it's my route. Yeah, we get houseworks. Name James Mannion. I just like the guy. And I want y'all to follow him on Twitter at pizzamanion. And maybe, maybe he can get a new phone, you know. If it gets enough followers, perhaps. Do you think the old part of the phone

is what was so slow about this? Because it seems very simple. You just swipe, it's open. Oh, is it the not recognizing your face part? You got to enter the code. I actually deactivated the passcode. So I wasn't even doing that. And I'll be honest, I'm not sure why it took me so long.

I guess, like I said before, I'm just a stubborn guy. Unlike my girlfriend who's greedy. All right, Albert, what do you want to plug? Well, I do want to say that my reality show on Kisses Prime is also called Kiss and Tell. So I will be seeing you in court, Rachel. Oh, good. I'm sorry, but I just, you know, that's just how it is.

That's show business, as they say. Um, no, it is not. It's not show business? No, none of that was show business. Oh, OK. They don't call it show friends. Although they should, shouldn't they? Such a great ring to it.

Especially the friends. Yeah, from show friends. Oh, I hate that musical. What, friends? Show friends. Let's just move on. Let's move on. What else do you got, Albert?

You can listen to, there's this podcast that I really like. I blasted in the grocery store. Really? Yeah, yeah. Do people enjoy that? Yeah, they like it when a podcast is too loud. And they like to shop, hearing people have

overlapping conversations. Overlapping boring conversations. Yeah, it's called Get Played. It's a video game show, toasted by Heather Ann Campbell, Nick Weigher and Matt Apodaca. You can check that out and their anime premium series on patreon.com slash Get Played

or on Stitcher Premium. It's really nice that everyone chooses to plug for other people. Yeah, it's so nice. I mean, I'm just gonna plug myself. Although other people are involved. Hey. Okay, here it is.

This is a huge, huge announcement. Several of you have heard rumblings about this. Several of you have heard bumblings about this. Albert, some rumblings and bumblings over there. Sounds like my tummy. It's a lot like that. I'm here to plug Albert's tummy. No, I'm here to plug.

This is a huge announcement. Comedy Bang Bang has a book coming out. Wow. That's right. A book is coming out in April, 2023. This has been a massive undertaking. Basically what it is, it's edited by myself and it has all of your favorite guests on the show

writing and making their own pieces. It's advertisements that they have, essays that they've written. It includes a lot of things like pamphlets and board games. Just anything that your favorite characters have decided to submit for this book, it is in there. It's really incredible. Maybe a grocery store newsletter perhaps

is in the book, maybe, Scott? I believe I found one of those grocery store newsletters and I put it into the book. I hope that's okay. From my store? From your store. You're just bringing it up for many stores? I wasn't sure if you put one of my competitors in there.

No, Kissy's store pamphlet is in there as well. Thank God, okay. I'm glad I didn't lose out to another one. We also have great people doing the introductions, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Weird Al-Yankovic, Bob Odenkirk, Tatiana Maslani, Patton Oswald, Jack Quaid, they're all doing introductions for it.

Right now you can order this book, you can pre-order the book. It comes out in April. If you head over to CBBworld.com slash book, all the links are there and I am doing several autographed editions of it. The links to those are at Barnes & Noble in Indigo and those are at the top of that page.

You can click on those and order those, but you can get it from wherever you, whatever your favorite bookseller is and I do hope you have a favorite bookseller. Head over to CBBworld.com slash book for more info on that. This is huge, very excited about it. All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

What do you call a hoochie? Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no! Oh no. Oh no. Yes, exactly. Oh no. Oh no.

Oh no. Take it. Yeah, like oh no or whatever. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no, oh no.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. The Ohno era continues. Open up your hooch. Have you lost your f***ing mind? Oh no. Ah, that was Ohno, It's Danger Doom

by King Love Duck Electricity. A bunch of gibberish. Guys, thank you so much, Rachel. Always a pleasure to have you on. Please come back again. Really enjoyed having you on. This was my pleasure. And I didn't even get to introduce

my crazy aunt, Marge, who's been here the whole time. Marge! Oh no, we don't have time. Oh no, our catchphrase this year. Bring it in, Marge. Oh jeez. Oh, I love being scratched. Oh, she loves it.

I'm Ximé. Thanks to you, Chris Orchard. Great to have you and your weird hugs and your stewed tomatoes. By the way, you brought a whole pot of stewed tomatoes here with you and you just opened them up. Yeah, well, my girlfriend didn't want these. Of course she didn't.

This is the one thing I'm on her side about. It's like I would prefer just eating a raw potato to this giant vat of stewed tomatoes. Well, then you're just like her, because that's what she wants to do. Yeah, anyone would want to do that. Marge, what about you? Did you forget how you talk?

No. All right. I'm just here to enhance myself. Oh, okay. Albert, good luck to you, buddy. You know you're one of my best friends. Hey, that's true. And you know what?

Just because I hurt that, maybe next time, I'll be in a better mood. Hope you're in a better mood next time we see you. Thanks. All right, do you promise? I mean, such is life. Who could say? All right.

All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye. No, no, no, no. Yeah.