Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Taran Killam, Paul Brittain

Episode Date: January 20, 2014

Comedy buds Taran Killam and Paul Brittain are back to chat about how to take compliments, if older people should be driving old cars, and why aren't birds shitting on us all the time. Later, Bever Hopox and Chico Hands aka the Calvins twins gallop into the studio to discuss the ostentatious, hypervacious, dualicacious world of prized horse fighting. It's a flip flopping good time!

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Aaron Killam and Paul Britton return to Comedy Bang Bang for their second appearance, hopefully this time they will not leave in the middle all of that and more all on today's... Enough with the excuses, it's time to examine those genitals. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you so much. I am not silly Billy. I am not silly Billy for that catchphrase submission. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week and what a week it was.

Welcome back to the Week in Review. New segment on the show. Week in Review. Good night Monday. Let's review it. Oh man. How's it been so far? Are we starting it Sunday?

No, we're starting based... Oh today, it's just today. Good night Monday. How about that? Breakfast. I loved it. I love coffee and... Eggs?

Eggs are great. Yeah. I haven't looked at a newspaper. Toast? Yeah. Hey, it's burnt bread. What's not to like? Ingenious.

Why doesn't burnt anything else have its own word? It's true. It's like when you burn the hash browns, why don't you call them flimber barbs? Yep. Because we will from now on. Great questions. Let me introduce the panel to you. By the way, I'm your host Scott Ackerman.

Welcome back to the show for another week. Monday, I'm very excited. These gentlemen back on the show with me today. They were on the show recently a few months back and abruptly in the middle of the show they had to leave, which is very rude. I know. We don't have to do that. We apologize.

We're making a 100% guarantee that will not happen this time. Never happen again. I'd be a little more comfortable with 110%. I can't do that. That's the new scale, by the way. You turn things up to 11 and it's 110% off. I can't guarantee that, honestly. All right.

I'm sorry. So anything might happen today, but you remember them from their last appearance. Please welcome Taryn Killam and Paul Britton. Hi. Hello. Two friends. How are you? We're friends with each other and friends of other people.

And we're friends with you, maybe. Yeah. So if you're listening to this and you're friends with these two, please call in. Please. We'd love to hear from you. Now, guys, I am stunned. Okay. Just in general or about something?

That's why you're not moving. Generally that is my state. Yes. No. As I walked up to the studio today, and I want to talk about this, I received the very first instance in my life of someone, a passerby, rolling down his car window and shouting something at me that was pleasant and complimentary. He rolled down his window and he went, hey, nice job parallel parking.

No way. Oh. And he gave me a thumbs up. Okay. And this was not sarcastic. This is not a fan. It's not sarcastic. Why do you assume it's not sarcastic?

Well, it was a really tight spot and I got in there within like two moves. Wow. So this human being in Los Angeles traffic did not recognize you for your celebrity. He was an older gentleman. Had to sit behind you. He wasn't behind you. He was across the street, to be fair. He was across the street like hanging.

Even better. He paused. Yes. Heading in the opposite direction of traffic to take in your motor vehicle skills. What the? It was insane. That's the nicest thing I've ever heard. I've never experienced that.

That's so great. That guy's paying it forward. That's God. That was an angel. Your guardian angel stopped and made contact with you. It was crazy. And I want to go down and check out this spot now. For a minute I was on the defensive of like, oh, what's this guy going to say?

Is he going to be like, hey, man, you really shouldn't take a spot the blah, but you know what people usually say. He's going to be an earful. No. What a risk to take too. He really had to project. Yeah. And he's an older gentleman that's maybe one of the last breasts he has left.

He's better. Hold on. There's one of these. Windows. Automatic or was it a hand car? By the way, Paul is. It's one of these. Miming.

Yeah. The world's largest window crank. I can't tell if he's like a 1920s like officer on the beat. So it's a system of gears and pulleys taking this way down. He's an old guy. I wonder if he had like a classic car. Like he's in a 57 Chevy, I imagine. I believe this was more of a minivan from the 2000s.

Oh, so it's not, the guy's not living the lifestyle of you are what you drive. No, sir. He's updated. You think that people, okay, this is interesting. Should people who are older only drive older cars? Should they drive cars from when they were in their 20s? I mean, go. Yeah.

Yes. That's it? I have nothing, it's a yes or no thing. I got very hot during that question. I took off my hat, by the way, because I need my head to breathe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're having such a great bangs day. Oh, thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you got great bangs. And this is what I'm saying. We should today, if we see anything out there on the street, roll down the window and compliment him. If you see something, say something nice. That is amazing. What about that?

Yeah. If you see something nice, say something nice. Is that if you see a crime, try to pick out the nicest thing about it? Try to say something nice. Hey, great bag that you left there in the airport unattended. I should refine that. If you see something nice, say something nice. Yeah, okay.

Or if you see something nice, say anything. If you see, say anything. Yes. Tell us what you think about the movie. Tell Cameron Crowe. You did a good job on that, still holds up. But I wonder if, and we'll get back to the car thing in a minute, I wonder if what the percentage would be of you rolling down your window, saying something nice, projecting,

and what percentage of people would flip you off and go, fuck you, thinking that you were sarcastic. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I'm surprised. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'll accredit your good heart for being open to that. Thank you, sir.

You know what I mean? I open my heart to his compliment. I really did. I think in the cynical world of comedy, most of our comedy buds would try to be pessimistic about it, but you were open to the compliment, you absorbed it. Walking away, I will say that I felt a little guilty about, should I have been even more effusive in my thank you, because I went, ha, ha, ha, ha, and I gave him a thumbs up back.

Sure. Is that enough? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's enough. You did your part. I did okay. You don't know that guy anything. Fuck that guy.

That guy. Hey, fuck you down there. You know now that I think about it, fuck that guy. Speaking of comedy buds, two of them right in front of us. Now let's get back to this question. How old of a gentleman are you guys, or can you say? Do you reveal your ages in show business? Sure, I'm 31.

31, and Paul held it. And the kid here is 36. Good, the kid stays in the picture. So we are straddling decades here, sort of. We call ourselves the decade straddlers. To much success. We pull our cars over and roll down windows and tell people. We're a decade straddler, and the parking job sucks.

So when I was in my 20s, it would have been the 90s. Okay, should I only drive 90s cars? Cool. And you guys, should you guys just drive 2,000? I mean, I guess you'd be late 90s car, Paul. Yeah, right. Like what car did you have when you were 22, let's say? Did you even drive?

I drove, I mean, when I was 22. I don't know what that is. Great public transportation. But I was in college then, so my parents' car, like a Saturn. Saturn, see? Remember American car manufacturer Saturn? Yeah, which is weird because they didn't make those cars on Saturn. I think so poorly named.

Should have called them Earth. Should have called them Earths. It's weird. I'm driving to 2,000 Earths. I mean, that's just as weird as a Saturn. Isn't it? Yeah. What did you drive, Darren?

I'm 22, I think at that point. Where are you from? I'm from Southern California. Where'd you go to school? He's wearing a UCLA shirt. I mean, come on, guys. Check it out. It's true.

I went there for a year. Where'd you go to high school? Laxa. Mm-hmm. It's the acronym for... LA High School of the Arts, right? You know, Frank knows it. Yeah, exactly.

What is it, engineer Frank? It's performing arts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to the Orange County one, by the way. Did you go to Oshark? Yes, we were rivals. Get the heck out of here. No, no, no, no, no.

Don't leave. Scotty, Scotty, come in. We'll be last without you. Fuck you. Frank! What did you say? We don't know what needs to go to an act break. He went out the door.

He's gone. Tick-a-ree. Tick-a-ree. Tick-a-ree. Hello. I'm back. Oh, thank God. I forgave you, because we're comedy buds.

So, at 22... At 22, I have... You're driving around. You're looking for Poon. Yeah. Yeah. Just Poon Cruisin'. Poon Cruisin'.

Just Poon Cruisin'. In my... Check it. Available Poon. 1991 Toyota V8 Extended Cab. What? Stick shift. Stick shift in L.A., you say?

Yes, I say. A truck? A truck. A truck. Yeah, my dad's truck. My first car was very cool, for my grandfather was a 78 Firebird. Oh, wow. Really, really cool.

Like, smoking the bandit. Like, red leather interior. Did it have the silver paint job? The bird on the hood? No. Oh. My friend had a bird on the hood. You were?

Yeah, a little ostentatious. A little bit, but nowadays, if you're not... No, I would... Yeah, yeah. It's like how I feel about my name. I hated my name growing up Terran, because mostly girls are named Terran. I don't know any human being named Terran other than you. Oh, really?

Oh, okay. That's nice. Yeah, so it's unique. They're out there. And so, thus, the appreciation later in life. Right. I guess a bird on the hood of your car is sort of like a very mature embrace. I wonder...

Very mature. If people with birds on the hood of their car... Hoods of their car. Hoods of their cars? Yeah, that would be proper. I wonder if birds... Car hoods. Shit.

I wonder if birds shit on those hoods more than other hoods. No, now you can't out of respect. Because most hood birds are birds of prey. I wonder if birds shit on other birds. Like when they're flying around, you know? I wonder if it's good luck for birds to be shadowed on by other birds. Or just a sexual fetish. My girlfriend turned wife cool-up.

My girlfriend turned wife? Yes. She... I'm trying to get out of the whole my wife thing. So I'm trying to change. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to change. Spouse.

Spouse. Life partner. Spouse. Come on. My girlfriend turned wife was shit on the other day. And we were talking about, like, why aren't we constantly being shit on? I mean, it's happened to me, what? Twice in my life, maybe?

I remember once in... That's correct. In Ellen... Thank you. Really? You can keep it. We know how many times... Let me check the portfolio.

Hang on a second. The scrapbook. Was it... Are you guys in the adjustment bureau? Hang on. Why are you wearing fedoras right now? Ockerman comma Scott. Yeah, twice.

Twice. Two times. And once was in elementary school and everyone called me shithead for about a week. Oh, no. Just to remember that. Yeah, it says that here in the notes. But why aren't we constantly being shit on? I mean, birds have to shit.

It happens all the time. There are more birds than ever. I've been talking about that for weeks now. Oh, wow. So many birds up in the sky. And not enough bees. That's right. We're running out of bees.

I mean, for parents, you know, and sexual metaphors with their children. Exactly. Are we going to be talking about just the birds? Hey, it's not bird and bird, guys. It's birds and bees. It's Adam and Eve. Yeah. Not birds and bees.

Not birds and bees. Not birds and birds. But so do birds... Birds, you know, must be higher than other birds. So do birds shit on other birds? Do birds shit on planes? Birds must be higher than other birds. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Flying-wise, you're talking about elevation of flight? I'm thinking three-dimensional space right now, which was the problem with con, I remember, in the original Wrath of Con. Sure. You know, I'm maybe getting that completely wrong, and it could be a totally different Star Trek movie. But I remember...

You know what I mean? Like, birds are above other birds. Yeah. They must be above some planes. Right. What's the highest thing that ever shits on something below it? Right, right, right. What is the shark of the sky?

What's the highest bird? What's the shit shark of the sky? Or just something else fly that's shitting on things above a bird. Besides birds. Oh, you mean, like, is an airplane shitting on stuff? Oh, come on. Now who's been aliens? Aliens do aliens shit on us?

Flying squirrels, aliens, people in planes. That's a food chain we're putting together. Well, that happens sometimes. No, but they release it. Yeah. But I want to know, like... Do they release it over the ocean? Is that true, like, if they're flying?

Maybe. I don't know. But, like, sometimes it's like... Well, if there'll be a malfunction. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that happened. But does anyone, like, put their butt out of a window of a plane and just shit, like, totally unaccompanied, pulled it back in? No.

Absolutely not. That defies physics. So is there a Guinness world record about the highest human shit? Human or any animal to ever shit? Yeah. There should be. Yeah, like that guy who just jumped off of the, from a hot air balloon. That fell out of, yeah, fell out of space.

He should have shit himself. You can't shit yourself. It can't land in the past. For record breaking. Hey, Scott. Here, guys. Scott can look at you, but the hypothetical astronaut doesn't need to be named Scott, the host of the show.

But, hey. They're doing the countdown. They're like, ten. Yeah. Nine. Hey, buddy. You know what? While you're up there.

I'm a little nervous. Yeah, yeah, yeah, talk to me. This helps me. You can get two records in one. You're kidding. If you take a shit while you're on, you'd be the highest shit ever. A bigger burden? Take a shit right after you jump.

You'd be the highest shit ever. Bill, Bill, I've been training two years... in my life... Six. For this to... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Should I... Four. Two up that shit.

Should I take it? Wait, is that going to affect the suit? Three. Or the parachute? Two. What are... Sure, take this. Parachute ruined.

Ben-a-na-na-na-na-na. Record breaking banner falls. I love the lyrics of that song. Ben-a-na-na-na-na-na-na. Ben-a-na-na-na-na-na-na. So back to the car thing. Should you still be driving around in those cars? I was driving a Mercury Lynx.

Oh, I love that. Wait. A Mercury Lynx is the same as Ford Mustang? Or Escort? Escort. Escort. Yeah, but just a different... I loved how they had analogs for Mercury...

What is that about? I don't know. But it was like the same body. Yeah, why was that? Like the Mercury Cougar. It was like the Mercury Sable was a Ford Taurus. So, I mean, but stopping... Why are they two different companies?

They didn't want anybody to monopolize the market on the shape of the car. They wanted to be competitive with the same shape of the car. Yeah. But it was the same... Like it was the same... Yeah. Ford owned all of it. They owned all of it, but then they had different imprints, but they were practically

the same car. There was like a Mercury Pony, I think, was a Mustang. This is another thing. It's the Mercury. Call it the Earth. Call it the Earth. What's wrong with the planet you're on? Come on, guys.

Wait, yeah. Come on, guys. People whipper snapper car designers. Do we... Like, what's next? The Pluto? Yeah. All right.

Maybe that's too far. That's not a planet anymore. Hey, that's good. They took it away. They made it not a planet. It's a moon. Yeah. So, guys, we have to talk about it.

What did you do last week? Oh, boy. Knew this was coming. All right. Oh, man. Oh, man. Last week. Don't be specific.

Okay. Just be general. Just be general. Too specific. Too specific. Even that. Existed. Talked.

Looser than that. Continued on this journey. Awake. Sometimes awake. Sometimes sleeping. No, no, no. Rain it in. Rain it in.

Emotions. Emotion. Was. Not was. Last week was. Wasn't. Emotions. Definitely a lot of, like...

Yeah. Good gracious. Frustration. No. Okay. No. Contentedness. No, no.

Just say, say like what you would say if you had those emotions. Like good gracious is great. Great gracious. Okay. I see. Yeah. Okay. That's what I'm looking for.

So that's what you did last week. Yeah. That's what I did. For the love of. Now, Taryn, you have a baby. I got a child. I made a child. Is that right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Baby turned child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's developing at an incredible, incredible rate. How old is this baby turned child? I've kept her alive. Someday turned. Four.

Turned wife. Four rotations around the sun. My goodness. Earth rotations. Earth. No. Around the sun. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. So not. Not four days. Or not mercury rotations. Not mercury. Much quicker. No, no, no. Exactly.

That's good news. Yeah. What about you? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He didn't cry. Oh, my God. There's so much blood in the seat of his pants and his crotch.

Can I have your baby? Can I have your baby? That's great. And your girlfriend turned wife. Yeah. I had on. I like to call her. We're not doing that anymore.

But you reached for that one down and did good. Yeah, that was my constipation. No more. No more. Muscles. She's on the TV show. Did we talk about that last time? Nope.

We didn't talk about her at all. Comedy bang bang TV show. She was great. Oh, you're great. Yes. Was she great? She was fantastic. You can be honest here.

I mean, does America know how great she was? No. Not yet. Not yet. Cool. Not yet. She will be. She's right before.

Well, then keep it more mysterious. Maybe she wasn't great. She's right before Christmas. Comedy bang bang. She might be terrible. Now, are you pronouncing her name correctly? Coby. Coby.

No, Smulders. Smulders. Yeah. It's not Smulders. Smulders. You guys are saying the same words. Smulders. You're saying Smulders like...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Mulder. Ha-ta-ta. That's how I think it is. Smulders. Like Mulders with... It's not Smulders. Bookended by S's.

It's not Smulders. It's Smulders. Smulders. No, it's Mulder bookended by S's. It's Martin Mulders. Muldinners. Martin Muldinners. Martin Muld...

Muld is like... Mulder. Smulder. Mulder. But you're saying Muld. Like the Mulders. Smulders. Smulders.

Like the Mulder. I think I probably do go, oh, I think I go around O more. Just, you know. Now, did... It's hot. It's hot, really? Oh, just literally. Yeah.

When something's smoldering, it tends to be of a higher temperature. Did she like stop correcting you at some point? Is she just like, this guy is not gonna ever say my name right? You know. When the dick that good. How good is... How good is your dick? This is what...

How good this dick? I didn't want to lead with that. So I... So good. Very carefully trapped dick. How good this dick? Which is not a game show. We're just...

It's a show where we shout things. I don't know. Her father's Dutch, so he probably says it. Smulders. You know. Andy's a weirdo. He's dying. What is Mulder?

He's dying. He's literally like on the brink of death. He's a weirdo. He's dying. He's annoying. He lives in a cuckoo clock. He literally lives next to a cuckoo bird in a cuckoo clock. They're roommates.

They don't like each other. It's the odd couple. It's cuckoo and Dutch. Is his name is Dutch too, really? It's Bert. God damn this guy. It's Bert. Bert Dutch Smulders.

Smulders. You know, that's my dad's name, Bert. Is it? Yep. Hey, Bert. My dad's name's Bill. I had to. You had to.

I have a child. You gave me the pass. What is your child? Has your child ever expressed love for you? Oh, man. I'm waiting. Yes. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. You don't get it, right? No, I don't get it at all. Do you feel like you really understood love before you had a child? That's right. I wanted to announce, by the way, this is the best way to do it, that I had a child yesterday. Wow.

Yeah. It came in the mail, finally. I had it on Mercury, so it was really quick. Wow. Yeah, conceived on Mercury, so just like two days later. Oh, that's amazing. They cook faster on account of the heat. And they're farted out.

Then you'll get it is what I'm saying. Yeah, I'll get it. You'll get love. What about you, Paul? What's your deal? Just in general, what's my deal is the question? Yeah, we're not talking about kids anymore. Child-wise.

Oh. I don't have any kids that I don't know about. Nice. How do you say that thing? I don't know any kids that I have about. Yep, not that way. How mature are you, would you say? Oh, man.

Let's get deep here. Let's get real, and let's get deep. I can go either way. I can be very mature. I can be exceedingly mature, and then I can just be a silly, stupid. Just a bonehead. Bonehead. What is?

Just a big old bonehead. What is, and I'd love to talk about this. I'm like fire and ice. What's the saddest thing that ever happened to you in your life? You know what? We do have to take a break before we get to this. But you guys are sticking around the entire show, right? 100% we are.

Okay, great. So we'll get to just conjure up that image of the worst thing that's ever happened to you. It's the worst saddest thing ever. We'll talk about that. Taran, you have one on deck? Well, you're already tearing up. We'll get to it. We'll get to it.

Okay, great, great. Let's take a break. When we come back, we have more Taran, more Paul. Saddest things they've ever experienced right after this comedy bang bang. Well, well, well. Have you heard the news? Oh, I bet you heard the news. January 1st.

The first thing that you heard when you woke up. That's right. Postage rates changed again. Happy New Year indeed. I don't know what they charge now. What is it? Like 50 cents? I have no idea.

And you know why? I don't know because I never go to the post office. I hate it. And now the postal rates are changing. The stupid post office is going to be crowded more crowded than usual. I don't know. Everyone's going to be at the post office saying sell me a two cent stamp, please. Get out of here.

Go away. No way. No way. Never going to there again. I am smarter. I use stamps.com. Stamps.com. It's easy.

I buy and print official US postage right from my desk using my own computer or computer. As I sometimes call it and printer. Stamps.com always updates the postage rates for you automatically. So come January 1st when everything goes, can I buy a two cent stamp? No. Automatic. And unlike those postage meter companies, Stamps.com never charges a fee to do it. How dare they?

How dare they charge a fee? To just update. Look, Stamps.com has got it on lock. Stamps.com, you always get the exact postage you need for any letter or any package, the instant you need it. You never go to the post office again. God, what a dream world. No, it's not a dream world.

It is reality. I've been using Stamps.com for years and years to send all you good little boys and girls, all of the year wolf merchandise. It is so easy and it's convenient and right now you can use it because I have a special offer. Okay, get this. If you use my promo code Bang Bang, you get a no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer including a digital scale and up to $55 free postage.

That's amazing. So don't wait. Go to Stamps.com. Before you do anything else, click on that microphone at the top of the homepage. Type in Bang Bang. That's Stamps.com, enter Bang Bang and I'll see you never at the post office. Comedy Bang Bang. We are back here and God, Taryn and Paul took off.

It was weird. They thought of these sad things during the break. They threw their headphones down in disgust and they yelled at me, why did you make me think of that again? And they just took off. So anyway, it's just me. Well, God, what did we talk about? I guess I'm going to do the weather report.

I haven't done that in a while. That sounds like two distinct knocks. And that's a third kind of horsish knock, like a galloping knock. Well, I may as well open the door. Excuse me, brother. Hello. Hi, guys. I was wondering if you could find the time to refrain and direct me where I must entertain

and begin to comb the mane of my dishear prize fighter. Wait, you want me to refrain from continuing to talk? Is that what you're saying? Don't pass his words too closely. Okay. What are you asking me? You're asking me if I can find a... What?

Who are you? My name is Beva Hopox. Beva Hopox. Okay. Beva Hopox. Oh, right. I was saying it wrong. Beva Hopox.

And I am Chico Hands. Chico Hands, you rascally dog. Beva, don't you call me that. Chico. Wait, you get out of here. You mind if I sit down my knees on as good as they used to on account of all them days jockeying about. Oh, sure.

Have a seat. I... My real guess took off, so it's actually... Your name, son. My name is Scott Ackerman. Scott Ackerman. Very nice to meet you guys. Beva.

And some strong face. Beva. B-E-V-E-R. Beva Hopox. Oh, Beva Hopox. And then Chico Hands. Black Beaver but Beva. Oh, got it, got it.

And you guys don't seem to be friends because you were just calling each other names. We're frenemies. This sissy fanny, baloney nanny. Oh, now. Goob-gob-danny. Oh, now. Flip-flop, panhandlin' fool. Wow.

Is a necessary means to an ends. Oh, okay. And this right here. Stupid head. That's not as good as what he said. It's a man I have known for too long. Okay. Well, how do you...

I mean, how do you guys know each other? Too long. You said you were a jockey? Is that what you... Oh, in my younger, more healthy, more ambitious years, but I've since retired into the ostentatious, hypervacious, dualicacious world of prize horse fighting. Prize horse fighting. That's right.

It's a horse fight. Prize horse fighting. I don't think I've ever heard of that. You heard him correct. Oh, no, I know I did, because I repeated it three times. He never said you heard me incorrectly. Yeah. Yes.

By the way, do you mind saying everything that I hear correctly on this show? Just pointing it out? Done. Will do. Did I hear that correctly? You heard it correctly. Thank you so much. The one thing I will give my friend Chico credit for is his ear lockin' lip poppin'.

Oh. Flip-floppin' ka-ploppin'. Flip-floppin' again. Containment of the spoken word. So you flip-flop a lot, I'm getting. I'm a flip-flopper, yes. What are some of the issues that you flip-flop? The reason I said flip-flop twice is because he is not a flip-flopper.

He's stubborn as a mule, and there ain't no space for mules in the world of horse fighting. Well, I want to get back to this. What is horse fighting? I've never heard of this. I mean, I've heard of horse racing. Is that what you're saying? Child's play. It's just what it sounds like.

It's two horses punchin' each other. What? Yeah. Yeah. Punchin' each other? You want to find yourself a prize thoroughbred? Who's going to race around the track and win you a pretty flowered cap? That's fine.

That's all good and fine. What we're looking for is a special breed, a special type of horse, a powerful horse, with a great upper body strength, who looks good in a pair of satin shorts. And is angry and mean, and he wants to punch. Punch? That's the thing that... Like, I've heard of horses like stampeding and trampling people. That's just in their blood, but it takes a special kind of horse who can give a big punch.

Stand up on his hind legs. Rear that beautiful mane twat. Twistin' that tail just to win the throw. That was not a horse. That was Chico. Yeah, I noticed that Chico. Punch. And just punch.

Punch, punch, punch. Till that other horse is down for the count. Boom. Oh, so it's horses punching other horses, so it's not humans. Son, you sure ain't going to get a human in a ring when a horse can go last more than two seconds? You want to fight one of our horses? They'll punch you with their hooves. Good luck, good luck, because you get butts in seats, but it ain't going to be a long bout.

Yeah, that sounds inhumane, you're right, yeah. No, but the horses punching each other, that's okay. Punching each other in their horse faces. How do you train a horse to do it? I've never seen a horse punch. You either gotta or you don't. There ain't no training involved. They want to do it, or they don't.

So then how do you find the horses to do it? Is it just merely leading every horse you ever see into a ring, seeing if they punch? Scotty, Scotty, you ever see the video of a horse being borned? Sure, yeah, I remember that one. It's a beautiful barn, baby. Yeah, and your car primer has a video about that. They come out walking. That's why horses is more incredible than human beings.

They know things from the start. Come out walking and so slippery. Slippery, just covered in their mama's juice. Mm-hmm. And every... Every yes? That's a, yeah, every one of them covered in their mama's juice. That's true.

I mean, it would be impossible not to be. It's what helps lubricate the birth. Once in a blue horse moon. You find a horse that pops right out, ready to punch. And just punches its mother? Just ready to punch his mama in the juice flap. Angry. So you then find these horses by going to horse births.

That's right, you have to be there. You're very competitive. Only one horse and maybe 7,000 is born with a good punch. Is it like trouble with the curve where you're like... It's exactly like trouble with the curve. It's exactly like trouble with the curve. I got a bone to pick a show with the curve. Okay, let's talk about that.

Let's sidebar the horses for a minute. Let's talk about trouble with the curve. I told him, what did I tell him? Chico, I said I will sit in a room and I will make a deal for the life rights of Chico and Bella's life as competitors in horse fighting punch fights. If only Chico be played by Clint Eastwood and I be represented as the beautiful, multi-talented,

excellent variety show host, Justin Timberlake. And then what happened? And they took our lives and they made a bow baseball. Don't lie. Anybody can throw a ball with some red stitches on it. It takes a special breeder horse to throw a punch. Oh, God, this is disgusting. I can't believe they would do that to you,

but that's Hollywood for you, I guess. Clint Eastwood is a low-down, confound... Flip-flopping. Oh, you agree? He's a flip-flopper. He's a one-time flip-flopper because that guy doesn't hold a nugget. He says, I've heard him say, don't make my day.

What? Incredible. Incredible. That's what he's known for. Why would he do that? How could he say don't make my day if everybody wants him to make that day? That's like saying Arnold Schwarzenegger's saying he won't be back.

He has to come back. He has to come back. Did you know that Arnold Schwarzenegger has come back to every single place that he's ever said he'd be back to? That's right, because Arnold Schwarzenegger is a flip-flopper. Clip-flopper. Return a bargainator. That's who Arnold Schwarzenegger is.

But he's a man of his word. That's right. He is. Well, this is... So you're there at the birth. You gotta be there at the birth. Yes, sir. Does it take up most of your time?

Most of it, yeah. It takes up most of your life. Most of it, yeah. Most of your life, but you can't do nothing else. You gotta be that first human face that a horse sees. If he don't connect to you. And that's the only way you're gonna be his promoter. That's right.

So you gotta be there from the get-go. Right. The bond between a horse fighter and his promoter is one of the strongest bonds between any two living creatures. Stronger than the jockey horse. Nah, I was a jockey. So no knocks. It's a hard lie, but you're just sitting up there whipping.

That's really... Is that the secret to jockeying, really? Jockey is really just horse whipping. He just whips it. So you don't whip the horses. Cutting down on breads. You don't whip the horses to make them punch each other, then. You don't need to.

No, they just come out doing it. You gotta whip them to not punch. Oh, okay. Do you really whip them to not punch? Listen. From time to time, a horse get too close to another horse with no money on the line, because I ain't in the business of free punching.

Right, right. I'm in the business of making money from horse punching. So my horse start wasting his punch for free? I would be back in your crowd. That's when you whip them. The only thing I ever have to do to get a horse to punch, I just whisper something in their ear. You're a gentleman, and that's why you ain't won no fights.

Okay. In too long. Don't you start. In a too long song. Don't you start. Song. Flip. Song.

Come on. I will. Chimichonga Landville. That's what you need to go back to, because you ain't no horse fight winner. I will whisper into a horse's ear something about the other horse. Something. I'll say, listen.

Listen there, cinnamon. You know what? Old, old, old. Older, older. Papa's delicate condition. Older, older. Great. Great horse.

Papa's delicate condition. Old, old. Old, old. Papa's delicate condition. You know what? If Mandy Patinkin was a horse. Right. Was saying about you.

He says you, he says you are ugly horse. He says your, he says your mane looks stupid. What? A horse father is very insecure. He says your mane is from a style, common to horses of the 1990s.

What? And horses understand English? Yeah. Oh. Horse fighting horses, dude. I've heard of the horse whisperer, but the fighting horse whisperer? Yeah.

That's you? Yeah. That's Andy Promota. Oh, Chico. I don't, I'm like that horse whisperer, but I don't, they do a lot of shush, shush, shush.

Oh, they're just saying shush. Is that the secret to horse whispers? I don't, I don't pet him. Hey, shut up. No. Hey, shut up. Shut up.

You hear what that other horse saying about you? Shut up. He said your hair's stupid. My gosh. So now you guys, you say one in 7,000 comes out punching. Yes, sir. How many horses have you met then,

that actually do this? In my day, Yeah. You know, a handful, handful, under a dozen, but I'd say one's worth they ought.

Maybe three, three. Very few. Maybe three, three. How many do you represent? I represent four myself. So it's really just the same

seven horses punching themselves at each other That's right, that's right. for their entire lives. We've cornered the market on corner fighting horses. So you guys have been at cumulatively 49,000 births.

That's, yes. That's fast math. Approximately. And you are correct. Approximately. So just shy of 50,000 births in your life. Yeah,

yes sir. How many do you fit in a day? Well, you're a math. You're a math guy. We've been at it for 20 years. 20 years, 50,000 births.

Oh, he's got it. He's got a calculator for now. 24,000. Okay, so 20 years, 50,000 births. Look at him with that calculator phone. Fast fingers.

Boy, if you was a horse, I'd be showing up to your birth. So you've been at, collectively, 1,250 per year. Sure. So that's approximately four a day.

Four hundred a day? That's right. It's four a day. Four horses. Horses are maybe the horniest animal there. That's why it's called horny. Horseny. It started as horseny.

Of course. I'm feeling a little bit inclined to, you know, fornicate, because I'm feeling horsey. Feeling horsey. Horseny. Horseny. But then people start getting

confused about what your throat hurts. Your throat is going on. You've got hay fever. No, no, no. Just cut out this. Cut out this. You got something there.

Horny. Make it horny. So when, so then when Austin Powers started saying that he was horny, how did you guys feel about that? Well, he was not inaccurate.

He was horny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he didn't give us credit. No, when I first, I thought he did, right? Because he had them horse teeth in there and I thought he was making

a very, very clever nod. Settle. To the root of the word. Very subtle. But at the end of the day, he didn't give anyone credit. He doesn't know a thing about

the world of horse fights. That is one thing you can say about Austin Powers. He does not know anything about that world. Never mentioned it. He's from Britain. Doesn't know about it.

Doesn't know about it. Don't talk about it. We always say. Is this purely an American sport? Not even. Really? I don't know what that means when you say not even

to that question. It's kind of localized to about five, six states. Oh, okay. Five, six, not the five or six you'd think. I'd love to hear about it. Sure.

Montana. What? It's got to be in 25 states in order to be an American sport. Oh, I see. We tried to get it registered under the sports. Can I ask you guys a question?

Yeah. Are you guys the only guys who do this? Sadly, yes. Very sadly, yes. Sadly, yes. We try to get our friends involved. We put together parties.

Like chips and dip and some cocktails. They're like, get involved in this business. Real great. You bring in three friends. They make money for you and then show you're making money

for us. But as it grows, you're getting a bigger portion of the pie. Yeah. But surprisingly to us, our friends find it distasteful. Well.

They say, what are you talking about? And we say, it's horses fighting. Horse fighting. Right. Then you reiterate the concept of it. And they say,

what are they racing? We got dark friends too. They're like, what, they're biting each other? They're kicking each other with their hind legs? No, no, no. Red line.

Clean fight. No, they punch. They're punching each other. They're taking a full roundhouse swing at each other. Roundhouse? Up or cut? They jab and they hook and they flip flop flukin'.

Flip flop. They come and cook and they feed just a hoof and. Yeah. And it's all, it's all we can do to convince them not to tell the authorities about this. How do you do that?

I mean, that's the most amazing part of this story that your friends are quiet about. I whisper to them, oh, I say, you shut up. That's right.

You shut your damn mouth and you don't tell. If you, if you, if you don't want a horse to punch you in your stupid jaw, you shut up about this whole thing. Wow.

And so they've kept quiet at this point. They kept quiet. And yet you guys are on a podcast talking about it. What's a podcast? Oh, okay. I see what's happening. You guys just came by to rap?

Yeah. We're here to promote. Oh, okay. Well, that's what I was asking you to give us directions to the, to the promotion, infiltration, um,

a previous nation. Promotation. There you go, Chico. Talking nation. Talking nation. So you guys are, Spatification. You guys are adversaries,

but are, are you actually just friends? Well, we're twins. Oh, I should have seen that. I mean, you're both four or nine. We're adjunct twins.

One size. One nine. We got it. Got it. Big old shoes. I find it hard to distinguish features on people as short as you. Yeah.

To be frank, I'm so tall. It's very hard to see down there. It's like trying to tell two mice apart. You can't do it. Good luck. We try. Let's fight.

They won't fight. They won't fight, because they'd be like, is that me? Is that a mirror? They'll, but they'll wrestle. They will wrestle.

So is that a side gig for you, or did you just kind of a bad thing? It's too homoerotic for us. Nobody wants to see a bunch of four-eyed mice rolling around on the floor. We're glad you did bring it up. Another time.

We're a little more old-fashioned. Okay. We tried it and we got out of it. So you guys have grown up together. What did you, and your old men, at this point,

were you a jockey as well, Chico? I didn't much care for riding them. I'd love to hear more about your life then. I mean, what were you doing while Bever here, Bever Holpox,

and by the way, why do you have two last names? I'd love to bring that up at some point, but let's talk about first what you were doing while Bever was a jockey. Law school.

Okay, great. Now let's move on to the name thing. Right. Your Bever Holpox, your Chico hands. What went down there? It was got it.

All four of those are nicknames. Oh, God. None of those are given names at all. None of them. Okay. They all sort of

stage names, but not as phony as stage names, because we earned them. Oh, we earned them. We earned them. Yeah, you know, nicknames picked up along

the way. Oh, I see, yeah. My real name is Smith. Okay. What's your last name? My name is Smith Calvins.

Smith Calvins. Yeah. And then what would your name be, Chico? Jones Calvins. Okay. So the Calvins boys, the Calvins twins.

That's right. Well, you are a mother. God rest her soul. How did she die? Oh, how did she die? Beautiful, beautiful soul. Or is she still alive, but her soul is dead?

No, she's dead. The soul dead as well. She's dead as a beaten, punched to death horse. How many horses have died? We'll get to how your mom died. How many horses have died,

speaking of this? Scotty. Scotty. If I don't stop to the horse dead. Yeah. Wait. So you guys have gone through

only seven horses. How many fights? Oh, no. I thought you were saying how much we represent now. What's this now? They're seven. They're seven.

They're survivors. They count. So you've been through even more births than just the 50,000 that we've talked about. Well, no. Because what's the math?

If there's 50,000 births. One in 7,000 comes out punching. One in 7,000. So you have seven currently. Seven.

So that's 49,000. 49,000. That's a muster then. Muster. You know, we go to like a horse funeral a week. We go to what?

So at least. At least. How long have you been doing this? About 20 years. 20 years. 20 years. I got,

wait now. I got out of law school and then we started. We started right after. We got out of law school. Then you came and you stayed in my place. I crashed.

Well, whilst I was, you know, six years of my jacket. So this is 10,000 horses have died. Maybe. Yeah.

After a while, you have to stop counting or it just gets too hard. Well, I mean, you've had 10,000 horses died. In order to get those 10,000 horses,

you had to have been at 70 million horse births in the 20 years. Guys. Is that all? Okay. I want to get back to how

your mom died, but we have to take a break. Let's take a break. This is just, I really, thank God that Terran and Paul left. You guys are so much more

fascinating. Don't worry about that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, let's take a break. Let's come right back. We're talking to

Smith and Jones, the Calvin's twins, right after this. Oh, the Wells Fargo wagon is a coming down the street. Well,

not only is the Wells Fargo wagon coming down the street, but we have an ear wolf's sclucy coming your way. Starting January 31st, all future episodes

of the legendary podcast, Never Not Funny, with Jimmy Pardo and his co-host, Matt Belknap, will be available in full length

and for free on the ear wolf network. That's right. Ear Wolf is doing it pro bono. So tune in January 31st for your favorite free form conversation

with the host with the most Jimmy Pardo. Comedy Bang Gang, we're back here with Beaver, Hal Pox and Chico Hands, aka the Calvin's twins,

Smith and Jones. Good day to you, sir-le-z and Mrs. Mams. Good to be back. This is what a podcast is? You flim flams. You hip-tams. Oh, here we go.

Here we go. You jimmy jams and you... Terry Lewis. Miss and you... Jim and Pams. From the office. I'm a huge fan.

We were a big fan of the office. Oh, really? Oh, that finale was so sad to see them. Oh, man. It's hard to say goodbye to people you feel

a feet like your family. They're like your family. They're in your house. They're in your living room. You guys were doing horse fighting for the last 20 years and it sounds like

the back half of that you were also watching the office. It's our... It's our cheat. Cheat half hour. Mmm. Because there's so many horse birds

and funerals to get to. That's the one half hour horse fight that you'll take off. That's the only thing that we allowed ourselves. You gotta laugh.

You gotta laugh. That's what we say in the horse fighting business. We got it. That's how you start the fight in a normal box and be like, let's get ready to rumble.

We just, you know, there ain't many people there so you don't even need a microphone. So we just say, folks, you gotta laugh. Now,

for your enjoyment, two horses. They're gonna punch each other. Two angry horses. Sure, of course. When you see as many crushed horse jaws as we do

daily basis. Daily. You gotta laugh. Wait, how many, you're going to one funeral a week. How many horses jaws

are crushed? Daily. You know how much earth it takes to bury a horse. So we're backlogged. It's okay. Let's.

It's not adding up, guys, because you're saying that at least Let's just say we got a big freezer. Let's just say that. Let's just.

Let's just. Let's only say that. So ten horses are dying a day? Oh, minimum. Oh, my God. You gotta laugh. You gotta laugh.

But you gotta get butts in seats. How many people come to you say no one comes to watch this? I heard you. People aren't shouting distance. Why are you doing that? Sorry to spin across the room, but why are you doing this?

No one watches YouTube. You gotta do what you love. You gotta follow your passion. The love of the game. You gotta do what you love. The love of the game. The love of the game. The love of the game.

The love of the game. The love of the game. Absolutely. Absolutely. I sat down with the director of the love of the game. The love of the game. And I said I want to be played by

the star who ends up in Kevin Costner. Kevin Costner. Kevin Costner. Yes. And Chico said I want to be portrayed by the other person that was in that movie.

Right, that other guy. The other guy. The other guy. You know him. The other guy. The other guy. And we've not even mentioned him because everyone knows who we're talking about.

And then they make it about baseball. Baseball. What is it about your story that adapts so well to baseball? Because it seems to me like your story going to millions of horse birds, one funeral a week having a huge freezer of dead horses

and killing 10 horses a day doesn't seem like you... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I will stop you right there. Okay, you're not killing them. We ain't killing them. We love them horses. Sure.

We treat them horses like they was our son. Sure. Putting them in a ring in fights to the death. You know, you gotta let them go. They want to fight. You gotta set them free

if they come back to you to their strong horse. Right, right. God. Well, this is, I mean, what about that then adapts so well to baseball? It doesn't seem like those are analogous.

There's a lot of, you know, mechanics is similar. Hmm. You know what I mean? I guess the throwing of things. It's all, you know, the stance. Hmm. It's a lot.

You gotta have a strong foundation. That's true. And horses get tired real fast. Just like baseball players. Yeah, they get real tired. Basically, you know the baseball players get tired after one inning? Yeah.

The rest of the game, it's like that first inning is actually a really good baseball. Yeah. The rest of the game, they're just panting and tired. They're just very tired. Yeah.

I've never noticed that in a ball game. That's why the first inning is usually there's no score because they're so good. They're at peak and then they're exhausted by the second inning.

Yeah. Just very lazy. And then they just let them all go. Let them all through. Well, guys, I want to talk about your mom. So what happened to her?

She's dead. They're good. You could probably have guessed what happened. Unis. Based on our line of words, you could probably have guessed. I guess the better question is,

how'd you purchase that large freezer? That's a great question. They're both great questions. Can we answer them both? Or are you only taking one more question? No. Taking a nod. That's all we have time for.

Because this fight, this fight promo going to start soon. No, I mean, people want to know who's going to win. Buttercup or Wins by Mile? Wins by Mile going to win. Oh, you know that Buttercup. Break it up, guys.

Break it up, guys. Score a flip, Mile. Spin the light. Keep it. Like a little child. Guys, you guys are rubbing noses while you shouted each other. What is that about?

Is that like a twin thing? That is so bizarre. It's a twin thing. Oh, OK. I've never seen it. And it pain on flicked on my brother, Chico. I feel 10 times upon myself. Oh, I had no idea that's what twins do.

Wins by Mile going to punch that horse in a face. Oh, Buttercup going to do an uppercut right to that horse snout on Wins by Mile. Buttercup for name of a fighter? Uh-uh. That's, it surprises you. You guys are buttercutting, didn't you? Call him Daffodil.

Yeah. Call him panties. Maybe I will. Call him Lil Pants. Maybe I will. And then it'd be more embarrassing for you when Wins by Mile don't win at all and instead knocked out by a horse named Malflop Flower.

Doubtful. Very doubtful. Yes, they're not good at insults. Look, what, how many horses have died today? We're taping in the middle of the day. Have you already been to a bunch of horse fights already? Oh, yeah. Well, best horse fights take place

right before the song comes up. OK. No wonder no one's going to these things, by the way. It's hard to get people to hesitate. They don't think we hadn't thought about it. Mainly, horses just don't fight the same ones as sons in the sky. Oh, OK. So, but you have one more fight when the sun goes down?

Is that what it is? You get some dusk fights. OK. You get some pre-dawn fights and you get some dusk fights. Twilight fight. Twilight fight. So you have one coming up a little later then. We got eight fights.

We're trying to cram in this evening's Twilight. Oh, my, just during Twilight. I mean, the sun is down for quite a long time after Twilight. Yeah, you clearly don't know horses. They're very strong creatures. Horse fights don't last too long. Oh, OK. Ever heard strong as a horse?

You know what I'm saying? You ever heard that saying? Because they're strong. Oh, that? He's strong as a horse. Yeah. He's as strong as a horse and his health is fantastic. Healthy as a horse.

Right, yeah. I've heard both of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's what it comes from, horse fights. Oh, and just horses, I would imagine, as well. I mean, down the line, down the line. So how long do these last? You said they only last, how long is a normal match?

Let's see. Let's see. You know, it's such a musical sport. So it's better if I sort of like relay the sounds. Oh, OK, yeah. Of a horse fight. Ladies and gentlemen, you know, for example, Buttercup and Wins by Miles in fighting this Twilight.

Sure, yeah. You start off with You Have to Laugh. Ladies and gentlemen. You have to laugh. You gotta laugh. You just, you gotta laugh. Of course. Now, in this corner, we got weighing in at 512 pounds.

The beautiful stallion from Rhode Island. The horse that's going to win, of course, Buttercup. And in this corner, galloping up to this corner from a distance at a very unsyncopated trot. No, no, he's not. He's fast. He's strong. He's not unsyncopated.

More like not fast. He's very fast. More like a slow. More like here he comes and he's the toughest horse I ever see wins by a mile. More like I showed up for a horse fight and that one is disappointing to look at. Oh, shut it up.

In this corner wins by a mile. I want a good clean fight. I want it all above the waist and I want just punches. I want hooves hitting horse faces. Just want separate things. And ring that did it. That did a triangle. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Hit him. Hit him. Punch him. Punch that. Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, holy shit, he got punched bad. That horse in bad shape.

Oh, crap. Oh, die already. Just die. Oh, that was gross. You should put him out of his place. How long was that, Scott? Yeah, that's Scott the math guy. Well, the preamble seemed to stretch on

for really most of the time. You see how short the fight is. Yeah, you really got to make a big ceremony. You got to make a big ceremony. The fight, it seemed to last maybe four seconds. Yeah, it's real fast. For the dying, about a minute. Yeah.

Do you guys ever put the horses out of their misery? Can't. No? You just sit there and watch them? It's against the rules of horse fighting. Chico, you seem disgusted by it. No. You don't shoot a horse.

You do not shoot a horse. Show me a horse that can shoot a gun. Hey, there's something. Wait, was that you actually asking our listeners? Yeah, hopefully. I would love to see that. Imagine what that berth would look like. Wait, the horse comes out of...

Covered in its mama's juices. Holding the skeet rifle. With one hoof that's very hand-like. Opposable digits. Yeah, yeah, that was a whole point. Yeah, jointed hoof. Or maybe the gun is specially crafted within the mother's womb to allow for a hoof to fit in in front of the trigger.

They're doing some amazing things with breeding and gene-blasting. That brings it... You bring up a great point, Scott. I don't know that I brought this up, but go ahead. If two horses ever come out... Do they make a sound? ...with a rifle in their hand,

would you agree to setting up a horse duel between them? Because I will go on record right now that I would represent a shooting horse in a horse-shooting duel, man. Well, the thing about dueling is it's a gentleman's game. So if these are high-born horses that we're talking about, of the elite upper-class, I'd be inclined to...

Clydesdales, absolutely. Clydesdales, absolutely. But you're talking about like a little plowpony or something, or a little workhorse? No, no, no. What about a famous... What about a famous horse, like War Horse versus Mr. Ed? Like a celebrity battle.

Oh, wow. That's good. And you could do it like a TV show, but do it in clay. Right, of course. That makes a lot of sense. Celebrity horse fights. Do it like a TV show, but in clay. Like claymation fights, but celebrities.

Non-televised horses. How come they only ever had one talking horse show? Mr. Ed, and then that's it? 15 years? Come on, guys. TV executives, that's a gift horse to continue to look in the mouth. You know what they did? You know what they did?

They saw Mr. Ed, they saw how great, how funny it was. They got threatened. They turned that into field of dreams. What? Rip it off. Back to baseball. Made a cast in a baseball. Baseball.

That's an old story. I loathe baseball. Every time. Gosh, guys. How much do you charge for your matches, by the way? Maybe the price is too high? Maybe that's why people aren't coming. For the first 15, 16 years, he was just bringing a bottle top.

Yeah. What good does that do you? Well, we sell... Apparently, Scott Ockerman wants the world to implode with it. With the ozone layer and all that extra plastics. He don't care for recycling. He don't care for greener earth. Didn't live through the depression.

Didn't live through rationing. Did you guys? Yeah. You guys are really old. It's hard to tell how old you are with how strong you are. I went to law school at 50. I was a jockey for 47 years. Oh my gosh.

So, no, I do care about these things. I'm just wondering, are you independently wealthy? How do you make this your... Yeah. If you don't charge, oh, you are. No, yeah. We come from big money. From a dearly departed mother.

It was so, so sad the way she had to go. It was maybe the most sad moment in my life. Oh, yeah. Very sad. Well, you know what's that thing they say about in the theater? Mm-hmm. If a gun appears in the first act, someone's going to get shot by the third act, right? That's right.

Mm-hmm. Well, if you got two sons who are in the horse fighting business, you're going to get punched by a horse and die. It's that old tale. You've heard it a thousand times. But neither of you have been punched and died. You're just saying your mom was. Oh, no.

We got a head on our shoulder. We don't get in between two angry horses. No, no. Not unless I got a whip in my hand. Oh, okay. So, but your mom... Well, my brother to whisper. But your mom did, though.

Mom's... Unfortunately, yes. Yeah. She come out. She come out of the barn. She came back. Yeah. And she saw one of her favorite horses.

Mm-hmm. Out there in the ring about to fight. And we're starting the fight. Yeah. And I'm out there. I'm out there on the blow horn. And I'm saying, you got to laugh. Sure.

And mom come screaming out of the barn. Come running out in the ring. Loat it. Loat it. And she said, you got to stop this fight. Now, that's my favorite horse. Oh, you ain't going to inherit the fortune from all that B-taffy family. Oh, you guys are the B-taffy people?

The B-taffy Calvin's. The Calvin's of B-taffy. That's right. The B-taffy fortune. Yeah. So she said, I let this horse fight and go on long enough. But now you got my favorite horse out there and he's going to die. Mm-hmm.

And his name is Randy the horse. And I am stopping this fight whether you like it or not. Oh, no. And we said, mom, get out of the head. Don't do that, mama. Don't get in front of that punch. You're acting stupid, mom. You're going to die.

There's a poor decision. There's a... Oh. There's a nonsense... Oh. Oh, balls. Come here, mom. Get out of there.

Randy, you come with me this second to the stable. And then... Plow. Was that Randy the horse that threw the punch? Yes. Randy the horse killed our mama. Her favorite. Randy the horse, interestingly enough, went on to win 37 straight horsefights after that.

Wow. He sounds good. Oh, he was great. He was the greatest horsefighter ever. Wasted the best punch I've ever seen on Mama, dear. Yeah. I'm surprised that you didn't shoot him after he killed your mother. You can't shoot a horse.

You can't shoot a horse. You can. It's just against God's will. He was a superstar. He was the Muhammad Ali of horsefights. That's right. How early was that in your horsefighting career, by the way, when your mom got... Oh.

Yeah, the second week. Second week. Second week. And you guys still continued. Yes, we had to. You know, you get a bee in your bonnet. You know, you got to wear that hat until it dies. You got to do what you love and you got to laugh.

You got to laugh. Yeah, you get that bee taffy going in your bonnet. Bee taffy in your bonnet. Well, that's part of our process. Don't be giving away any family recipes. This is like giving away the seven herbs and spices. Oh, boy. Well, guys, this is an incredible story.

Oh, it's a pleasure to talk to you, Scott. Two incredibly old men. And short. Incredibly short old men who promote horsefights. Incredibly short weird old men. Who seem... You must be 90 years old at this point. Oh, thereabouts.

Give or take. Give or take. Get out your calculator. A lady never tells. I ain't no lady. Okay. I'm sorry. I did not mean to intimate that you were a lady.

All right. By saying that you were an old person. Yes. So the question remains, are we going to see you at the fight tonight, Scott? At the twilight fight. Where do you... Where are you having the fight? That's important.

It's just out in the field. What field, though? I mean, because we're... Look, they're horse fight fields. Keep... Where they have the... Calvin's bee honey horse fight fields. Okay.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Just keep driving until there's less and less buildings. Okay. Take 605. Just take the 605 to the 606. Okay. Keep on going. To the 607.

To the 607. To the 607. Yeah. Till that turns back into an interstate. Calvin's Boulevard. Mm-hmm. And then you know you're in the right place. Because you're about to get back on the 608.

Because the 608 comes right round... Right round from where you didn't think it was coming from. You gotta be careful with that. Because it's the only... The only highway. If it turns into an interstate and back into a highway. It's a roundabout. Oh, just a complete circle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my goodness. And if you care, it's a very sneaky exit. It's camouflage. Why would one ex-horse perspective? One might wonder. You'll miss it. Well, for a horse fight.

Oh, okay, yeah. How long does it take to get there? This sounds like a lengthy process. Wow. Wow. Wow. Hey, Siri. Yeah.

Siri. Bippip. Siri, how long does it take to get to Calvin's B Honey horse fight field? About 40 minutes. 40 minutes? That's not too bad. Thank you, Siri. Okay.

Bippip. Considering every place in Hollywood is kind of 40 minutes away. I mean... Yeah, that's not too bad. Worth the drive. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I might come. You gotta come check it out.

Put you in a seat of honor. You say... There'll be horse jaw blood. It was a bottle cap for the first color. Up to your collar. The first 16 years. How much is it now? Eight bucks.

Eight bucks. Okay. It's reasonable. It's such a good deal. You can't argue. And, you know, it's an experience. The cost is not prohibited. I'll tell you what, more than the actual fight, you know, maybe you're a pacifist.

It's just the atmosphere. It's a beautiful setting. It's a beautiful setting. Of no one there. Beautiful atmosphere. You got your own personal space. Fresh air in your lungs. Beautiful big sky.

Fresh air. The sky, the outline of the 608 roundabout, you know, the silhouette by the, the setted sun. A lot of bees landing on you. You can't be careful of the bees. You want to come comb it up. You want to come comb it up, head to toe. Can I ask a question in this?

I mean... I'll allow it. Maybe. Thank you. Do you think these horses are what you consider to be punching because they're being stung by bees constantly? Wow. There's a...

What? What? They're constantly rearing back. They're being stung in the butt. They're on their hind corners. They're sort of flailing about. They have swollen hooves made to look like boxing gloves. Wait, okay.

Now we never talked about this. What do you want to talk about, Scotty Ox? What were you going to say? The hooves are very red, swollen and round. Sure, like Muhammad Ali's boxing gloves. Exactly, right? So you're saying that... And we do...

And we have a bee ranch... The biggest bee ranch taffy producer in the world, right? To produce all that taffy. And you're suggesting... It's about 70 million bees. That may be just the fighting... They're being stung... It's what motivates...

You know what? Here's my answer. No, you may not ask a question. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Okay. All right. Withdrawn.

Well, guys, thank you so much. It's fascinating to talk to new people. I enjoyed getting to know you. It's been a pleasure to get to know you. We like you. Thank you. And, you know, I'd love to talk to you, Chico, someday about law school. But, you know, I mean, I'm sure that was just as fascinating.

Anytime. Have me back on your podcast if that's what this is. Sure, it sure is. Well, why don't we do our last feature on the show, which is something everyone enjoys, and everyone skips to. It's a little something we call plugs. Hey, go plug yourself. Hey, go plug yourself.

Hey, go plug yourself. Hey, go plug yourself. Hey, go plug yourself. Hey, go plug yourself. Hey, go plug yourself. Hey, go plug yourself. Now! Ah!

That is Hickey Hickey with Hey, Go Plug Yourself. Thank you so much, Hickey Hickey, for that wonderful plugs theme. If you have a plugs theme, go head on over to earwolf.com and put it in the appropriate comedy bang bang thread. And you can be famous for a weekend, Hickey Hickey! Great job, my man. And what do we have to plug here, guys? Obviously, you have the old bee ranch. We got the bee taff here.

We got the pre-dawn and twilight horse fights. Two times a day. Twice a day, horse fights. They last about four seconds, but you'll see five of them in a row, usually. Roughly. I, of course, have my line of legal textbooks. We haven't even spoken about that. We didn't get to that, did we?

No, we didn't. I'd love to hear about them, though, now in the plugs. Sure. Well, I write textbooks for junior college law students. If you're going for your associate's degree in law, a surprisingly few number of people are, you probably have one of my Chico hands. You're using your pseudonym to write these books. It's catchy.

Okay. You probably are using one of my textbooks. It's my line of legal textbooks called It's the Law, Stupid. And I cover everything, but very, very superficially. Okay, great. Wow. And so it's not really something you can plug, because if you're taking these courses, you probably are reading these books.

Well, hopefully, more people will now go to law school. Okay, is that your dream? We need more lawyers. But wouldn't there, if there were more lawyers, wouldn't there be more of a chance that someone would sue you for these horse shenanigans that you have? Oh, I... You are like just sticking all sorts of bee stingers in our ways of life. Oh, don't give away the secrets.

You are. He called it horse shenanigans. He's worried about making it a more litigious society. That could be an unintended consequence. But education is never a bad thing, because you gotta laugh and you gotta learn. That's right, that's right. Well, Bevor, what do you have to plug in? Oh, dear.

You know, I'm taking a little me time now that the office has run its serious course. Still doing all the horse fights, but... Yeah, you're taking a half hour a week. You know, there's mouths to feed and mouths to break. Okay. Bevor gonna do bevor right now. Bevor gonna do bevor. Yeah.

Bevor gonna do bevor. For a half hour a week on Thursdays, you're gonna do bevor. That's right, do river floats. Oh. I could just float down river, have a big carbonated drink, feel my belly full of air bubbles, and just float downstream. Wow, that sounds great. It's relaxing.

Oh, my goodness. Beautiful. Is there a stream next to the old bee farm there? There he is. It's also... Full of dead bees. Full of dead bees. Full of bee cockey.

It's the one place you can get away from the bees, isn't it? That's right. Well, they get all brushed to the shore. Yeah. So it's just the most beautiful side you've ever seen, just black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, for miles and miles as you float on down. Beautiful, lazy rhythm. That's what that song is about.

That's right, that's right. Dead bees. Dead bees. And then... In a river. And then... Snoop Dogg. Uh, no, probably...

Two chains? Two chains took that song and said, I'm going to make this about, you'll be taffy. I'm going to make this about horse fight. Turn into Steelers then, take it. Make it about football. Yeah, make it about baseball. Baseball.

Pittsburgh Pirates. No, thank you very much. Why don't you go plunder the seven seas with my bees up to your knees, please. And drink my skis. By the way, of course we're talking about Wiz Khalifa. When we talk about the rapper. Oh, yeah, yeah. Who gave black and yellow.

We were just having some fun. Oh, yeah. Snoop Dogg. No, I know. Two chains. We're just having some fun. Those were ironic statements. Yes, of course.

But he's Snoop Lion now anyway. Yeah, so we know that, of course. Also, I'll be doing a book signing of my brother's books. Oh, great. He signs all my books. Circus of books. Wow, that's fantastic. I'd love to get one of those autographed copies.

Come on by, I'm proud of my brother. Though I do hate him in the ring. I want to plug, hey, thanks to Blake Duckworth. That sounds like a fake name. I mean, you guys have fake names. Is he related to Scrooge? Blake, thanks so much for donating $100 to CBB. That's so kind of you.

That's not as you Blake. Little something special coming to you. And what do I want to plug? Oh, the Comedy Bang Bang Season 1 TV show DVD comes out Tuesday. You can get that in all your stores, Amazon, order it. A lot of special stuff on there. It's the first 10 episodes. We did commentaries for each episode, including all the characters come on and do them with me.

We have deleted scenes, deleted interviews, a supercut of Reggie's music. And that is really cool. That is out on Tuesday. Everyone buy it up and hopefully we can release more. And great, that's it. Let's close up the old Plug Back. 01:13:26,700 --> 01:13:27,700 Plug Back.

Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong. Close it up. 01:13:32,700 --> 01:13:33,700 Close it up. Brow. Oh, guys, successful show for another week. I'm so glad you guys came in here. I was dying on the Vine.

Very happy to be here. I was dying. 01:13:44,700 --> 01:13:47,700 Meaning I was not doing well. Just talking by myself. Oh, dear me. My guests abandoned me for the second show. They've done this to you before.

They have. With no guarantee of sitting around. They give me 100% guarantee, but that's not a guarantee. They didn't give you 110%? That's today's standard. That's a Shanghai-er. They're flip floppers. Not the double flip floppers where they don't flip flop.

Hip hoppers. Riz Khalif loppers. We got Sky Alchemist saying flip floppers. Yeah, finally. That was your main goal. Aside from all the lawyers, getting more lawyers. Well, guys, Bever, a.k.a. Smith, and Chico, a.k.a. Jones, the Calvin's boys,

Hulpox and Hans, for another week. I want to thank you guys for coming in. And... Pleasure to be here. Guys, just keep laughing. You have to. You gotta laugh.

You do. All right, we'll see you next week. Bye. Thanks. They just jumped on horses and... Oh, my God. That horse is punching that other horse. Chico got punched in the throat.

Oh, no. Damn it. This has been an eWolf media production. Executive producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Ockerman. For more information, visit eWolf.com. EWOLF RADIO PUNK.COM EWOLF RADIO PUNK.COM EWOLF RADIO PUNK.COM

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