Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Tatiana Maslany, Paul F. Tompkins, Caitlin Reilly

Episode Date: August 15, 2022

Canadian actress Tatiana Maslany joins Scott to talk about becoming green for the new Disney+ series She-Hulk: Attorney at Law, her favorite scene in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, and using The Rock’s alarm clock. Then, American citizen Obi Ron Kenobi stops by to talk about his love of nature. Later, Hollywood starlet Lucy Bukater drops by in search of her birth mother.

Call me Ishmael, just as long as you call me. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to adjacent Sudeikis for that catchphrase submission. I'd like to think that's Jason in a guy's on his burner account. It's like, yes, my phone is adjacent to me. And he's going to serve you with some papers. Oh, my God, shimmy. Oh, oh, gotta go.

Shit, shimmy was back. We're just saying he had to go so quick. Comic-Con's coming up. I thought you were going. Comic-Con's going up. Comic-Con's going up. Coming up. It's three weeks ago.

It's three weeks ago. Oh, y'all got your papers. Goodbye. Shimmy. We love shimmy around these parts. So much more than classic Jarls, I gotta say. Shimmy is just so much more affable. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.

And boy, this is exciting. My name is Scott Ackerman. And we've been, as you know, if you've been listening to the show, this is, of course, not only Humanity's podcast, but Humanity and the Animal Kingdom's podcast. And if you've been listening over the past few months, we have had a dearth of celebrities on the show.

Name them. Oh. Name the ones who haven't been on? Yeah. Jason Sinekus. It's right there. Shimmy, you're back. Not anymore.

Right. Okay, bye. You gotta go. But the past three weeks, oh my god, the stars are out tonight, shining in the sky. And they're here in the studio as well. We have one of our favorites here with us. Coming up a little later,

we have an American citizen, as well as a Hollywood, I wrote down citizen, but Hollywood starlet. Hollywood citizen and citizen, too. A Hollywood citizen. Okay, good. But before we get to them, please welcome,

she's been on the show many times before. She started out as a small girl in Saskatoon. Is that where you're from? No, where are you from again? It's Regina. It rhymes with vagina. That's right, it rhymes with vagina. Canada's best,

probably the best amongst Canada's experts. Name them. Martin Short. That's right. Russell Peter? Martin Short and you. I love Martin Short. Those are the two best.

Both short. Did she say Russell Peter's? Shit, Jimmy, shit. Please welcome back to the show Tatiana Maslani. 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:28,480 Hello. She has a new show, The Not She Shredder,

we talked about. Like we hoped. Like we had hoped. She's a bit more a she turtle. Yeah, that's true. Like I'm sort of living out my absolute dream. You finally get to be a green, yes. Now, if a long time listeners of this show know that

it wasn't the first time we met, was it? Or was it the first time we met? Oh, yeah, no, absolutely. Literally the first time we met. This is full circle. You came to San Diego Comic Con and said you wanted to come to the show and you and Christian came dressed as

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Because my publicist convinced me that we would be mobbed by people. She's like, you must come in disguise. You gotta be in disguise. You're like, you're right, we're so famous. We must come in disguise to this off-site comedy show that has nothing to do with Comic Con.

The theater was like four miles away from Comic Con. It was all locals. That's right. And you guys were in very small Ninja Turtle costumes. Small being that Christian is an adult male and I'm a boy-sized child woman. But they were for teens at most. It was for babies.

They were full babies. It said babies on the front of the thing. And so you've always wanted to be green. And here you are. Ninja Turtles, two secret of the use is your favorite. As I recall, you've memorized several parts of it. Impact sounds.

Yeah, can you hit us with those again? Because you've done all this on our Ninja Turtles podcast. But I'd love to hear. I feel like I need, yeah. Okay, so we're in the underground mall. This is the first fight. Kino's just tried to deliver the pizza, but then he gets distracted because he sees people.

No idea what you're talking about. Are seizing in the underground mall. Well, you know this, right? No, I'm saying this goes deep. This goes deep. Not only are we subterranean in the location alone, but we're also deep in the lore of Ninja Turtles. Okay, so these are the sounds?

Now these are the sounds of the Turtles. Of the Turtles. Okay, here we go. So we got, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, now I, that's time to tell of pushing this clown thing. And then we cut back to him. And then he's the clown thing.

And he goes, and he knocks this guy's, you know, he does a classic look down here and you actually get hit. And they go, okay. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah. Bah, bah, bah. That's one of many. I could keep going.

Oh my God, please don't. I could go two hours. Please don't. Okay, here we go. So then cut to him. You can go two hours in the movie. It was only 90 minutes. That's right.

You'll go even longer. Do you know all the lyrics to Ninja Rap? Yeah, I do. You know this. I know that. I know that. We already did this. Yeah, of course.

But she is, she is green once again in her new show, She Hulk, which comes out this Wednesday on Disney Plus. Right. And this is part of the, look, I'm just gonna say it, the MCU. Right. You know, why are we beating around the bush? Hi, man. You're in it, baby.

I know, whoops. I mean, Iron Man's dead spoilers for that last Avengers movie. He is. But yo, is this the only reason you got into it? Yeah, I could just learn what's going on. Just to learn the plot points because truly. Okay.

Who's Thanos? Do you know? Yep, I do. You do. And that has something. Totally. Thanos is the biggest, one of the biggest characters in this universe. Yeah.

In the sense that he, you know, there's a quite a big arc. I mean, oh, he has a huge character arc. He has a huge character arc. Yeah, exactly. And is in a few movies. Yeah. And I've seen. Yeah, totally.

You've seen them all. I've seen them all. And I know where he fits in the story. So don't, you don't have that. Okay. I will not ask you. And one of the best snappers in pop culture, from Wham in the Jitterbug song to Avengers.

And you know what that means, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Of course. From Zoolander. What? Isn't there a big Jitterbug sequence in Zoolander? Oh, I'm sure there is.

Yeah. Where they pour the gasoline in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. That's part of the MCU. Of course. Now, She-Hulk is like, I was trying to figure out what this is. And it's like a, it's like a female Hulk.

I know, it's disgusting. It's so gross. Should we start calling people like, you know, she lawyers and she garbage, garbage people. I mean, garbage people is already, we've changed it from garbage men. But if you would say she garbage people, that'd be great. She garbage people.

Yeah, yeah. It is interesting, like we fought for equality. And for, for women to be garbage men. I'm dragging us back. I'm single-handedly. I'm sick of this. But no, if you don't know the comical books, She-Hulk is a great character.

Did you read them? Yeah, I did. Growing up. Yeah. In fact, I bought number one when it came out, as I recall. Ooh, that's worth it on my family. I'm sure I don't have it anymore. But, and I doubt it's worth a lot.

But of that. Fair enough. But you, you, you have not been part of the MCU up till now. They've been trying to get you. I've been trying to get them. Really? They like rejected me multiple times. For what?

What did you try out? Venom. Not for Venom, unfortunately. But for Venom's girlfriend or whatever. Venom's girlfriend. Not even Tom Hardy. Eddie Brock's girlfriend. Just Venom's girlfriend.

Not even Venom's girlfriend. Like who? Simba Ode's girlfriend. Who is he trying to date? She was cut out. He goes on a romantic date with another, just a pile of motor oil that's had a jiffy loop. I want to see that.

I love that idea. What else? Um, those, that one, there was something else too that, that did not work out for me. Okay. I'm quite happy with this one. Yeah, this one's good. I mean, this, this is based on some really good comics,

the dance slot era of She-Hulk, which was really fun when it came out back in like 2005 or so, or somewhere around there. And it's basically like what's different for She-Hulk as opposed to the regular Hulk is you keep your personality. Yeah, she stays, she stays herself. Exactly the same. She's just taller and green.

More green, I guess. More green, yeah. She's got green undertones for sure, to her skin. Sure. Actually, you know, that's why we use green screens. I know that, Scott. I've been acting since I was nine years old. In Regina.

In Regina, okay. You and your brother. That's, that seemed gross, like the way you said it. You and your brother. So you, you are a lawyer on the show, and when you become She-Hulk. Yeah. You stay a lawyer.

I tried desperately to stay a lawyer. That's the whole thing. Were they going to disbar you because there's never been a green lawyer before? Not too far off. Really? There's definitely like a, there's definitely a discrimination against her.

Okay. For being a super human. But then she ends up getting a job for that very reason. Right. And you practice super human law, essentially, where you're like doing cases related to the Marvel. Yeah, with goofy superheroes. Yeah, with super villains.

Yeah, like Daredevil and all that, is he around? Or I know you can't say anything, right? Ah, she's putting her hands over her eyes, like a blind person. Yeah, Daredevil is blind. That's right. I'm mocking him. We should bleep that out.

All right. I'll be, I'll be shot. You'll be shot, yes. Now, there are several secrets that you have to keep in the MCU, right? There's like all the people who are in it, right? Right. They say the thing is in it, is that, is that?

They say that? I mean, that's a big rumor. Who's they? I don't know. These comic book sites. How do people find this stuff out? So they found it out.

00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,000 They found it out is correct. Wow, so the thing is. The thing is in it, and spoiler alert, you're playing him, Scott. Oh, shit. This is your audition. How do you think, this is it? Yeah, because if you fail at this, then you lose it.

It's clobbering time. That was great. I love his, like, kind of reticence. I don't know what to do. He doesn't know. He's a real, like, Meryl Streep walking into a room with too many bags kind of vibe. Do you know what I'm saying?

I don't know what you mean. I know her glasses. That was a big New York Times article recently. Yeah, like too much stuff. Oh, yeah. So she has, like, five bags, and she's got to put them down. Yeah, and they're just, like, falling over. Are you that type of actor where it's, like,

all about prop? Yeah, I'm a real carrot top. I love a prop. One of our best actors using props. Yeah, that's right. One of our original props. Chairman of the board. I love a prop.

Yeah. I get nervous with a prop, though. And I think you can see that I'm, like, it's like, you know, it's a cup, and I could just drink it normally, but I think I do. I'm, like, so aware. You're, like, so conscious.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then, yeah. And then you're, yeah. And then you're, yeah. And then you're, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, of course. There's, look, I know you can't tell me anything about it. I know Mark Ruffalo is in it, though. That's right. Because he's in the trailer, so you've given us that much. He's a great guy. I know our good friend Jessica Gao is a part of the show.

Do you know Jess? Yeah, she worked on Bajillion Dollar Properties. That's right! Yeah! I was very excited when I heard that. Yeah. And she's, she wrote the Pickle Rick episode of... Which is the first Rick and Morty episode I ever saw.

Yeah. And the last. And the last. I would imagine. I hated it. It was trash. Stop saying Pickle Rick. So it's got a pedigree between your acting

and Jessica's show running and Mark Ruffalo, who played that wrestler in that one sandpaper movie or whatever it was called. Sandpiper? What was it? What do you say? Sandman? What was it?

What are your words? I don't know. It was like... He played a wrestler? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, a wrestler's brother with Channing Tatum. Really? I believe, yeah.

I worked with Channing Tatum. She wobbled around. Oh, well, on what? On what? He was on a movie called The Vow. The Vow? That's not a real thing. It is, unfortunately.

It wasn't great. Really? Yeah. What was it about? It was about, so Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams are married in love, very in love. They seem like, see, that's a couple where I see it on screen.

Oh, yeah, I get it. He's a bodybuilder. She's a hot model. Like, that makes sense. This is great and reductive. I love it. So they're in a car crash and she loses her memory. Oh, no!

The worst thing that can happen in a car crash. That's right. And then he has to convince her, I'm the guy you love. I'm your husband. I play his buddy. This is like regarding Henry, but regarding Henrietta. This is regardless of Henry.

He has a recording studio. Of course, he's a musician. Oh, wait. How does he find time to work out so much then? I don't know. Does he like work out for three hours in the morning? That's right. He wakes up at 4 a.m.

He works, he wakes up at rock o'clock. Right, okay. Do you know that's a thing? No, what is rock o'clock? Or was it a thing? There was a time when I had the rock alarm clock and you can wake up at rock o'clock. With the rock, meaning the rock the end.

The rock, like doing the rock. Really? Yeah. And he has a thing on there where it's like, wake up at rock o'clock with me, 4.50 a.m. Oh, no! So it's an automatic setting? Automatically set for, I guess, whatever time zone you're in.

You wake up at 4.50. Wait, whatever time zone you're in, meaning... As in he's like... It's 4.50 no matter where you're at. Yeah, you can be in. Not 4.50 wherever he's at. No. Okay.

The world doesn't totally revolve around him, is what he's admitting. Okay. And what does he say? Does he say something? Is it his voice? I feel like there was like a recording. Like a special recording if you wake up at 4.50 a.m.?

Yeah. Like an encouragement. Yeah. That would be encouraging. Why did you have that? I think I really liked him at a time. Really? Like, I was very like...

He seems like... I think I saw that helicopter movie he did? Helicopter movie. Was he in a helicopter movie? Or he had to fly a helicopter? Oh, the one where San Andreas or Rivers? Yes, that's right. And I was like...

So this late, you're getting the rock? So late. So late back. Alarm clock. Who is this wonderful actor? Who's his eyes? Who's had a career for the past 20 years? That's right.

But... You should do something with him. He should, first of all, he should lose all that Black Adam bullshit. Well, he was shooting that when we were shooting Shrek. Really? Yeah. Shrek.

Meaning, that's what you've been calling. That's right, that's right. So he was shooting that like next door or what? He was on the same lot. Really? Yeah. Can I say anything? Was there ever a scene that like,

accidentally you walked into his scene and he walked into... Into your scene? Oh my god, that would be so awesome. And they had to green screen him out. Really? Yeah. And green screen me. Oh no.

So suddenly... Because he walked in front of me. She-hulk has the rock's voice. That's right. That would have been a great body double for She-hulk. That would have been really cool. Yeah, he is... Yeah, but you guys should do a movie together.

Like San Andreas 2, like the aftershock. I would die too. Oh my god. The two of you. I'd make up with him and we'd both bump together. He could like lift you above his head a million times. That would be so cool to watch that. I could kneel under his foot.

Under his foot? I thought he meant like under his, like if he spread his legs, like you could fit underneath his crotch. I could absolutely fit there. Tell us some spoilers. You got to give us something. The thing comes out in two days.

Okay. Last time when you were on our sister show, Scott hasn't seen. We were talking about white chicks. That's right. Because you're playing a green chick. And we thought it would be fun for you to talk about people who change the color of their skin. That's right.

You, we broke some news that it was a musical and everyone treated it seriously. Everyone has like now on Instagram been like, she sings in ain't easy being green and fever in this show. It's a musical. It's the fact, yeah. Just an off-handed like funny joke that you made

and everyone, it made major news. Pops up often. Yeah. I'm tagged on Instagram. Are people going to be disappointed when this doesn't happen? It's going to be so sad when I'm not singing fever. Can you imagine?

Fever. I don't know how that would fit, but maybe second season. Let's talk to Jess. Yeah. So what, what, oh, second season. So there is a second season. I don't know.

I guess if they like it. Okay. But are you on hold? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Or I'm, I'm, I got, I signed some stuff. You signed. So can you not take another job?

I can. You can. Do you have one? Yeah. I got a bunch of pitches. Aftershock. After rock. After rock.

Rock o'clock. Aftershock. Tat for rock. Yes. That's my name, Tat. Does that conclude our interview about the She-Hulk? I can't talk.

I think so. No, I can talk my trick. But I don't know what to say. It's weird, it's weird talking to someone who can't say anything about what they're, what the thing we're talking about. I literally don't know what I can and can't say except that she's a lawyer and she's Shrek,

or Shulk, and she, and Mark Ruffalo's in it. Benedict Wong is in it. Benedict Wong. Tim Roth is in it. Benedict Wong from the Doctor Strange movie. Yes. Oh, okay. So he's, oh, great.

He's wonderful. And Tim Roth is a nomination in it. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay, because we saw the abomination in Shang-Chi. Yes, right. Which Benedict Wong also was in.

That's right. Interesting. Sorry, sorry. I thought I heard someone say my name. Oh, are you Benedict Wong? No, it's me, Doctor Strange. From New York City. I should have known from your over-American accent.

What do you mean? You're over-annunciated. I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. Hi, Doctor Strange. Did you come in through a portal or? Yeah, of course I did. A magical portal, a ring of light that I'm in. Did you just mean that door?

Yeah. How'd you get here, really? You take the bus? I took the L. I love taking the train in New York City. Well, welcome, Doctor Strange. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Oh, geez. Say hi to Jimmy. He was so believable as an American. I loved him. I loved him, too. Well, Tatiana, many successes to you, of course. How many? Yeah, see you later.

No, you're doing what? Like, this is a long one. It's not just six episodes, right? Well, this is an eight episode. It's only eight. Maybe nine. Oh, somewhere around there. Yeah, it might be nine.

Yeah, great. It's long, man. It's long as hell. I know how you guys are going to get through all those half hours. Is it a half hour or is it 45 minutes? It's a half hour because it's a sick one. Have you seen them all? Yeah.

All of them. Yeah. 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:46,960 In preliminary things. Sure, sure, sure, sure. My favorite thing is seeing it when there's not all the CG done yet. Right, yeah. So sometimes it cuts to me and I'm like.

Because aren't you, aren't you wearing Tatiana is doing like a physical like, aren't you wearing like a big huge hat in order to with like her a she-hulk head on it or something like that or with a tennis ball on it? Yeah, sometimes I have a stick on my head that on my helmet instead of wearing them. 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:12,960 Instead of a penis? Instead of up your ass. Oh, is it?

Come on. Both of us were come on. There's a stick on my head with like kind of frozen smiling me as she-hulk face, which is just my favorite thing. But then there's another one that's super spooky. It's like a like a drama mask that's been painted green with like silver eyes. And it has this like absolutely vacant expression on it. And people would have to act with that.

So I'd be like, well, like down here, but they'd be looking at this like dead pan, like dead eyed creature. And are they filming your face while you're doing that so they can put that on to the- Yeah. So I'm wearing like a helmet with a camera, truly like this close, like the mic is right now. As close as you should be to the mic while you're on this show. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I'd like to do this.

I don't have mic technique. Well, you're used to wearing lav mics. That's right. 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:06,560 There's somebody for that. Yes. But yeah, it's very distracting, but it's also kind of fun. That's great.

So you're wearing something, you're wearing a helmet that records your face. That's right. And all those dots on my- No, yeah. All the dots on your face. Yeah. I have like 45 dots on it. Was it just a pain in the ass to do this show?

Such a shit. I hated it. Never want to do it again. Now I loved it. It was super fun. Okay. Okay. I know you're contractually obliged or obligated to say that.

Obligated and obliged. It would be so obliged. Well, the great thing is, is we're happy to have you back on our television screens. That is the good thing. Of course, you were and still are an Emmy award-winning actress for your roles on Arphen Black, of course. And this is just one role. Does it feel like easier for you? It's just two roles.

Oh, well, I guess so. I mean, but you're the same person. That's right. Why are we all doing it? But everybody brings it up. They're like, visit the savers. Oh, really? Yeah.

So that question was bad? What's it like to play TV? Yeah, everybody brings it up. All right. Well, it's great to have you on the show. I would say hi to Christian Brun. Yeah. What's he up to?

I don't know. Every time I texted him, he was like, not around. Well, last time I talked to him, he was like in Verona, not to blow up his spot. Can I say that? Yeah. Now they're going to follow him to where he was once. Anyway, yeah, he should be back here at some point. We love that guy.

We would love to have you back. Okay. And we can do, we can break down exactly how the show was for you. And I can actually talk about it. Yeah. Sweet. Exactly. We can talk about the thing, being on it, Daredevil.

And how nervous you were to do that. Yeah, yeah, all that kind of stuff. Okay. Great to have you on. Are you ready to get to our next guest? I'd love to. So this is an American citizen. That'll be, I mean, I know you've been talking to one.

Yeah, you've been talking to one for the past 15 minutes or so, but. I have a gist. Yeah. You get it. I get it. What's the main difference between Canadians and Americans? Mike Technique. Mike Technique.

00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:04,800 Exactly. We'll see exactly how he does. This is all I know about him. He's an American citizen citizen. Please welcome Obi-Wan Kenobi. Hey there, Scott. Thanks for having me.

Hey, great to meet you. Yeah, this is Tatiana. It's nice to be here. Hi there. She's playing. How are you doing? She-Hulk in the MCU. Okay.

If you say so. That's not a rapper like MC Hammer. It's the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Oh, it's like movies. Movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:31,840 Exactly.

Good congratulations. The whole television show as well. She's in a television show. Does TV count as cinema? I mean, it's a brand extension, yeah. I'm not real up on pop culture. Oh, really? Why is that?

I don't know. Your name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yeah. Oh, I get it. Star Wars, right? Yeah. People bring that up a lot. I've never seen them.

Oh, so you didn't name yourself after? This isn't a stage name. No, my name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. It's not a stage name. I'm not a stage actor. Were your parents into Star Wars? I don't think so. We never talked about it around the house.

Really? Do they have a poster up or anything like that? No, I mean, they were parents. So we didn't have a lot of posters hanging up. I mean, I had parents. Parents aren't allowed to have posters. No, parents are, but I don't think parents. A lot of parents don't.

Once you have a baby, all the posters come down. Well, you know, when you become a man, you put away childish things. Oh, OK. It's a football. But yeah, they had like framed artwork and stuff, you know what I mean? Oh, like what?

Like prints or like actual? They didn't have any pictures of prints. No, I guess what I mean to say is, did they have the originals or did they? Well, I mean, they were like, no, they didn't have like, you know, like Matisse's or anything like that. No, they had the art that they liked that they would put up some prints.

Yeah, sure. OK, great. Yeah. When I was a kid, I didn't have a lot of posters because he was a kid. I wasn't really into pop culture that much. If you're not into pop culture. Unpopular culture.

What does that mean? Unpopular culture. I mean, well, I mean, OK, I don't seek out things that are not popular to make them things that I'm into. But I'm into like nature and I'm into. I'm supposed to nurture this. OK, I'm into like nature, as I said. And then also like the sun or sometimes the mood.

Sometimes like half the day. Yeah, when it's out. When it's not out. Stuff like that. I'm less interested when it's not out. It's true. I don't look for it. So in nature, the sun and the moon are your three primary interests?

I mean, mostly that's a bet rocks. Rocks over, you know, Tatiana over here had a rock o'clock alarm clock. What is it? It was like an alarm clock shaped like a rock. That sounds cool. It was Dwayne Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Are you familiar with him with his work? No.

Is he a friend of yours? He is not, but I would love him to be. Have you ever seen Get Smart? Is that a movie? It's not only a movie, but a movie based upon a television show. Oh, I haven't seen either. You haven't seen either? No.

Do you know who Don Adams is? No. There would probably be no reason for you to know who he was without knowing Get Smart. Trying to remember any other Don Adams role. But the Rock was he was he was in the the movie adaptation. Okay. Along with Steve Carell from the office. What office?

An American workplace? I don't know. Okay. I'm going to say one more time. And I'm not mad at you because I've run I've run into this a lot. Okay. I'm not real big of pop culture. Okay.

You like you like nature. I like nature, the sun, the moon, rocks, worms. Worms, really? Okay. Absolutely. Coming up at number five worms. I mean, these are not in order. Oh, really?

So what if you were to put those five in order? What would the what would the ranking be? Probably nature number one. Sure. Then number two, the sun. Okay. Number three, the moon, I'd have to say before rocks. Number five, I guess it is in order.

It is the exact order. I guess it is the exact order. Why are worms so low? I mean, they're the only living thing out of the things you. Although nature, I guess. There's so much. I mean, I should I should fold worms into rocks. And rocks.

Yeah, you're right. And probably the sun and the moon. Yeah, I guess. But I don't know. I consider those because they're the sky. They're different. True. But I don't consider birds different than nature.

They're in the sky. They're in the sky as well. Yeah. Maybe they're not as high in the sky. Maybe as long as it's it's not past. How about this? Here's the because here's the thing. I'm not that interested in space.

Okay. I am interested like stars. Who cares? I am interested in the wars therein. Oh, right. Yeah. Star Wars. Yes. Obi-Wan Kenobi is who we're talking to.

Yes. My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Right. And you can go be Rod. Rod? Rod, for short. But but your name is Obi-Wan. Yeah.

And you want me to call you Rod? Rod. Rod? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Do you have a cold? Yeah.

Always. Why do you like nature so much? Is it because you spend too much time out in nature? It might be. And I never wear a jacket. Okay. Do you camp without it? Are you like a Wim Hof kind of dude?

A what? Is Wim Hof part of pop culture? Is that from Star Wars? Sounds like it. He's not. He's not. He's not. How do you know first of all?

Because people believe me. I get grilled about the whole Star Wars universe. And I don't even know what it's about Star Wars. Here's what I here's what I've survived. What do you think? Yeah. From just like absorbing, you know, what people have said. It's like an alternate future where the Russians have worked in space race.

No. It's the past. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. But there's it's space, right? Spaceships. Yeah, but they're pretty new. But human history didn't begin here on earth is what they're trying to say. It's a.

No, it did. So wait, what? They're trying to say that human history started in the past and spaceship world. Well, they're not all human. Well, that's the thing is, is like, we don't even know. Like some of them who look human are like Alderaanian, I guess. What? Tatooinean or.

And some of them are like aliens that play like clarinets and stuff like that. Yeah. You know, have you heard of Jizz music? Hey, man. It's what? Blame George Lucas. I'm not here for this. I blame it for a lot of things.

Believe me, I'm not here for this kind of talk. When were you when were you born? Do you mind me asking? I was born in 1972. And OK, so that's five years before Star Wars was a thing. OK, so you're the expert. Did your parents not allow you to watch TV? No, they begged me to.

Why? Because you're always out in nature. I was always outside getting dirty. Yeah. I always I never wore shoes, never wore a jacket, barely wore a shirt. What do you mean by barely? Like you were you were wearing it. Oh, yeah.

Like my parents would put a polo shirt on me and then I get out there like I just want to feel the nature and I would take it off. Polo shirts were popular back then. They sure were. I remember them being popular in 82 or so. Do you know how I like about a polo shirt is the color is very soft. The color is very soft. Color.

Color. Oh, yeah, yeah. Although sometimes they're made of muted colors as well. That's true. So we're both right. You seem like a really interesting guy, Ron. Hey, thank you. If I can call you Ron.

Literally no one has ever said that to me. What are you here for? I mean, it's I have an important message. Oh, OK. Should we should we tease that we'll do it after the break? Tatiana, you're a television actor. I don't know if it's going to I don't know if we should. No, really?

Yeah, we should get it out right now. OK, all right. All right. All right. OK, so I've established that I love nature. You have a step. Yeah, heavily, heavily established. And so the price is right at the end of the price is right.

The host of the price is right says this is something I've been told. It may be angry. I just learned this today and I was like, book me on a podcast because I got to tell people. He goes and he apparently says at the end of every episode, he goes, first of all, I would think he would say what the price is. Because that's the big mystery at the end of the show. They've said that right before just previous to this.

OK, all right. This is a little sign off, I guess. Yeah. And he goes, spay a new to your pets. Yeah, yeah. And here's what I want to say. Only new to your pets, because then you don't have to spay the rest of them. I guess that's a good point.

Why are we spaying these animals? If we just neutered the ones that need to be neutered, then the spayed ones can go about their business. Here's I would I would differ with you in one respect. Let's spay them all because that takes care of the problem right there. Like if you don't spay some, then the ones who are unneutered are going to get in there. I don't think that's fair because I think I think

for sterilization of all the females is what I'm trying to say. Yeah, I know what you're trying to say. That's a terrible thing. I'm saying the opposite. That's what you're all about? Yeah, that's what this show has been about for the past 13 years. You're a weird coincidence that I came on to talk about this. And you've been saying the exact opposite thing.

I mean, I would say that's the issue is that we're not going to get to all the dogs that we need to neuter. So let's spay them. No, we have to is the message. OK. We have to. And it's not just the dogs. There's also cats, guinea pigs, parrots.

You got to neuter everything that is in nature, that is a male. Chop them off. Get them out of there. But you're in nature, Ron. Ron or Rod? Rod. Ron. It's never Rod.

Sounds like Rod, but it is Ron. OK. But that's I understand because of my voice. Right. Yeah. So vocal affect. Do you want someone to come and do that to you? No, you're putting this on top of it.

You're part of nature. Are you not? Are you part of nature? Yes. Fit off with your balls. You fell into my trap. Is it the ball? I always thought it was the penis.

No. It's so it's so you can't get anything pregnant. Right, right. But you still have foot. You know what I'm saying. But shouldn't you just shouldn't you take care of the penis as well while you're down there? Always take care of it. You got to clean it.

It's usually the opposite. It's like while you're down there, take care of the ball. If you got a four skid. Ooh, boy, boy. Oh, man. That's a lot of work. Okay, so I shouldn't have waited for the for the break for that. Nope.

I think we made the right call. Okay. All right. Do you mind if we take a break? We can come back and talk a little bit. Hey, it's your show. Absolutely. Yeah.

Okay. Well, we do need to take a break. Tatiana, you can stick around. Can't you? Yeah. We have a Hollywood starlet coming up and a Hollywood citizen as well. This is very exciting. We're going to come right back.

We have more Tatiana Mislani, the she-hulk herself. Hey. And we also have Obi-Wan Kenobi. And. Okay. Sorry. Well, I mean, you're not a television show. I could go.

No, I'd like you. I'd like for you to stay because there's well a lot more that I want to talk to you about. All right. What's the most interesting thing just so we can tease something so people come back? What's the most interesting thing about your life? I once fell to rock so big I couldn't lift it. Wow. Just like God.

Yep. And I guess everyone. Like everyone's come across a boulder. Yeah, we're not so good. We're relatable. Yeah. All right. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

Comedy bang bang. We're back Tatiana Mislani of the she-hulk, she-shredder. Were you sweating bullets when we asked you about that on that Ninja Turtle show? I don't think I've been cast yet. I think you were because it was like literally a month later, news broke or whatever. Yeah, but it broke to be latest. So the listener, what happened was we were pitching that Tatiana should play in our Ninja Turtles reboot that Sprague the Whisperer and I have been writing that you should play

Shredder, but we realized we'd have to call it she-shredder. Or else everyone would be like, what the heck is going on? Confused because Shredder's a man. And we were saying, oh, she-shredder like she-hulk. And you just kind of nodded and didn't give it up. And you were just like, ah. I wouldn't give it up. Yeah, that's exactly what I did.

Just like she-hulk. That's right. How do you know if the Shredder is male or female? Exactly. That's a good point. You got to say she. She read. How about she read her?

Is that better? She read her. She read her. Well, she-hulk is read sometimes in the comics. Do you ever get to be read? I can't say. Oh, man. I can't say.

All right. Well, this is exciting. I don't know what you guys are talking about at all. That's probably going to happen a lot during this, especially with our next guest. So this is some TV show about gendered office equipment. That's what I'm getting. So you know what an office is? Yeah, I know what an office is.

It's not that big of a leap to know what the office is, is what I'm saying. Why is it not that big a leap? You just say it's a TV show, right? Okay. So like, what do you want from me? And there's like staplers in it, in Jell-O and stuff? What? Those are some of the key props in the office.

Yeah, you've been in an office. They have staplers. It's not that big of a leap to believe in this thing called the office. I'm not saying it. I never, okay. Do you praise the thing called the office? What? Do you praise the thing called the office?

Oh man, this is like a cult. That's right. I don't, it's not that I don't believe in the TV show called the office. Okay. So you believe in it? Yeah. At all its works, the empty promises. Well, what about the television show, Max, the extraordinary individual?

What? Have you ever met anyone named Max? Yeah. So then you believe in this television show, don't you? I mean, are you telling me it's a TV show? I'm not saying one way or the other. Well, then I'm not going to either tell me or don't tell me, but I'm not going to get trapped. So if I said yes, well, I'm not going to get trapped here.

If you said yes and you were lying, that's what you do. Because it's not, it's not a joke. My side of the street is clean. Well, we need to get to our next guest if that's all right. Yeah, I'm not holding things up. Okay, great. She's a Hollywood starlet. And this will mean nothing to you, but I'm looking down at the name and it

kind of means nothing to you. But maybe you've worked together. I'm not quite sure, but please welcome to the show Lucy Bucater. Hello. Hi. Hi, Scott. Thank you so much for having me on this show. Oh, it's our pleasure.

Hello, Tatiana. Hi, Lucy. Hello. Oh, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan Kenobi. You can call me Ron. Hi, Ron. How are you doing?

I'm so excited to be here. They usually don't let me out past 2 p.m., but I decided to make a run for it. Now I'm here to discuss what I want to discuss today. Oh, okay. Should we ask him about the not letting her out part between? And I wonder if you're confident now? Why am I looking at you, Obi-Wan? I'm looking at this chair, or usually I have someone I've at least met before who...

Okay, so I didn't know there were a side seat. I'm so sorry. No, it's not that. I'm just saying. Maybe you should put on a little place cards like at a wedding. All right. Yeah, I know what a wedding is. Okay, so then the wedding planner should not be that...

Wait, she's had two of those? Before the age of 19. Oh, what? Well, it was a studio's idea. They really wanted me to buck up with some chups, some up-and-coming guy, you know, and I was 12 at the time, but boy, was I growing. And... You got married to 12-years-old?

I did, yes. Oh, God. It was Mr. Goldwyn's idea, you know, because of Metro Goldwyn and Mayor. Yes. We worked with him on Broadway. Yes, well, Bob, I'm discussing probably his great-grandfather or something like that, the swell guys, I'd say, but, you know... Yes?

It's okay. I didn't want to take my medication today. Excuse me, Scott. I'm usually more on tippy top of my shape. Oh, I understand. So if I'm getting you, you reside at a place that does not like you to go out after 2 p.m., but before 2 p.m. is all right. Yes, that's MGM Studio, sir.

Oh, okay. So you're a Hollywood starlet and you're a contractor? I'm the biggest Hollywood starlet there ever was. Oh. You see, my name is Lucy Buchater and I'm on contract at MGM Studios. I didn't realize they did the contract. I mean, I know we all have to sign at least a term agreement. You know, Tatiana, I'm sure the MCU one was as thick as the thing's arms.

Right, and they had a proviso in there of... Yeah, that's your arms. Did they allow you to eat? They do, yeah. They usually give me about an hour to eat a lunch. About an hour. Yeah. That's splendid.

I haven't eaten in days, but I do feel good. Oh, good. Oh, I wasn't going to ask usually. I don't... In case someone doesn't feel well. My handler outside gave me a bunch of... Well, we call them gummy bears, but they don't taste like gummy bears, but they make me feel amazing.

Oh, okay. Giving you gummies. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, interesting. Yeah, I'd say so. Okay. It gets me walking and talking and dancing when I'm the most tired I've ever been.

Oh, gosh. Okay, but I didn't realize they were doing contract players these days at the studios. I mean, I think it's actually illegal to tie you down like that now, isn't it? It's really under wraps, I'd say, for some of us. What are some of the movies that you've been in? I've been in Hot Tot and Two Smoking Monkeys. Very close to the Two Smoking Barrels franchise. It was a musical, dancing and talking and...

Yeah, a lot like She-Hulk. I've also been in the war drama Pearls on My Guitar. War drama. It's a war drama about this big war and I'm like... Wishing World War II, World War I. All of them. Oh, it's about all of the wars combined? Every single war.

I mean, that's interesting. A movie hasn't done that before. It's like, let's look at war as a concept rather than just... It's a groundbreaking story. You should check it out. Is there dance again, talking it? Well, I always dance and I always talk. And sometimes I do sing.

I have to because of my contract. What kind of stuff do you sing? Mostly songs. Oh, wow. That's exactly the type of stuff that I love to hear sung. Yeah, me too. I was discovered because I was doing a radio show with my family. They all died.

I was the only one left. So they... The MGM picked me up, put me on contract and... I've been dancing ever since. Wait, your family died doing the radio show? Yes. What kind of radio show was it? And was it an accident or was it...?

It was in front of a live audience, a radio show, but it was being recorded and the roof blew off of the building and... Wait, was this the Great White concert out there? No, I don't know what that is. Oh, okay, do you know what that is? I'm sorry, sir. No, not sharks. I thought it was sharks, too.

Do you know what the sharks and jets are? I know what a shark is, but I know what a jet is. Okay. West Side Story? I mean, I know that some places have a West Side and I know that there's stories. I don't know what you want from there. Have you ever seen any movie?

Yes, I saw Tremors 2. Surely you've seen a movie. I've been in. I don't think so, lady. How old are you? Are you in Tremors 2? They don't tell me how old I am. Yeah, I was wondering that because...

I'm between 19 and 49. Oh, okay. Interesting. Yeah. Probably on the end to 49, I would imagine, probably. And I'm not even sure about that. That's not very kind, Scott. Oh, I beg your pardon, Miss...

A bucater. I put cold cream on my face every night. Okay, great. I just, I feel... So you know what cold cream is? I love cold cream. It's comfortable. It's like, it's soothing.

So you would know then what Mrs. Doubtfire is. What are you... Because there's a famous scene where all I know she uses a pie as cold cream. I've heard of Mrs. Doubtfire. It's a young adult novel. It's based on that. Based on what?

Is it? Yeah, it is. Really? I wish I could read. Oh, jeez. So you... I can't. Do you remember what year you came to Hollywood?

I was, I came here in the year 1949. Okay, so that's a while ago. Yes. Yeah, okay, so... And I've been working as a starlet, as an actor, as a singer, a dancer, a talkie, a person since then. And I'm here to, well, I'm here to find my birth mother. Is that how you gasp?

I can't really gasp because I start coughing. Oh, try. I'd love to hear. Yeah, okay, I'm sorry. Sorry I didn't mean to do that. Your birth mother. Well, of course, this is obviously the podcast you come to when you find your birth mother.

This is, of course, a genealogy podcast. I decided to go to a place where I had a voice and my family that died in that horrible, horrible, horrible accident. They were your adopted family? Yes. I was kidnapped. My real name is Bettina Johansson. Bettina Johansson.

It is not Lucy Bucater. I'll tell you that right now, sir. It's not that. That's very generous of you to refer to the people that kidnapped you as your adopted family. Well, they were kind. That's good. How did they kidnap you?

I mean, what was the process? They just took me up. Yeah, but I mean, where were you? They just scooped me right up. They thought that I was a baby doll. They thought I was a toy. I was the quietest baby there ever was, which is probably why I started working in the pictures

because I take directions so well. I'll stand in the same place for 10 hours if you tell me. Okay, we're probably not going to tell you that. I mean, feel free to move about. I'll be here as long as you want me to, Scott. Maybe another 45 minutes, if that's something like that. But look. Do you do the same thing too, Tatiana?

Yeah, stand in one place for 10 hours. For 10 hours a day? I mean, I can do it, yeah. And high heels that don't fit you? This is reflecting back to me what our industry can do to young women. Really? Yeah.

I'm having a great time. I'm treated real well. I just wish I could eat. Are you happy at all that your adopted family died? Yes, you are. Why did you ask her that if you were going to be so incredulous? She gave you a...

I didn't expect that answer. I got to be a star and then I got other handlers, Matt Drogoldwin and Mayor. Right. Yeah. Okay. And sometimes they're awfully mean,

but I know that they mean well because they told me that I'm the best. Okay, so do you mind if I talk to Tatiana here? Ron, you're not interested, I'm sure. But feel free to listen. Maybe I'll talk to her. Okay, sure. Yeah, go ahead.

So, do you ever get a straight jacket? Yeah, I'm worried. She's either an old woman. I sleep in a straight jacket, yes. Every night? Who has dementia? Sure. Of some sort.

If I don't have a straight jacket... Or she's a young woman. Who's... Time traveled. Time traveled. Right, exactly. Are you really stiff? So, if she's someone who's time traveled...

Then we need to go back in time and kill Hitler. Kill Hitler! Let's do it, let's do it. Okay, I got you. All right, guys. Failman. Hello, sir. Lucy.

You could say excuse me, we were having a conversation. Pardon me, Ron. Is that a box of pills? No, it's not. What pills do you take to make you get pep in your step? I take some statins. What's that?

Some? Well, yeah, a handful. I have very high cholesterol, like the highest ever. Why, if you're out in nature all the time? Because I eat so many eggs. I love it. I love to put eggs in my water and drink it for breakfast. I do, too.

You're like a regular Rocky Balboa. It's delicious, I tell you, it's delicious. You love rock so much, do you know Rocky Balboa? Is that the name of a rock? Unfortunately, no. OK, then no. It's a human being. Then no.

So you know Tremors 2, so you know... Yes, ask me anything about Tremors 2. Michael Gross. Yes, Michael Gross. He plays the sort of, you know, the prepper dude. Yeah, did you know that he was the father in Family Ties? Please stop asking me stuff like that. So no interest in Michael Gross's other work?

No. What, why did you go? I'm not even interested in Tremors 2, I just saw it. Why did you go? Because I heard it was about nature. Made up nature. I heard it was about big worms. Yeah, he loves worms.

No, fully once. OK, fine. Yeah. What about other worm movies? Lair of the White? Sometimes I play with worms when I get bored. Is that the same thing? I don't know that it's exactly the same.

Wait, what do you do? I play with worms. Oh, sure, it's fun, right? I do it on my downtime in between scenes. Yeah, little wiggly guys. It's so much fun. Lucy, Tatiana and I have a question. Yes, of course, sir.

How do we ask her this? How do we word this? How do we word this? Can we use... Take some of your pills. Take some of your pills? I have an entire bag right here. I'll show you what's in here.

So you think the time machine is? Is it the pills? I think the time machine might be the pills. Oh, OK. Can we take some of your pills? I have this thing it's called a methamphetamine, but it's in a powder and a pill form. I have that.

Sounds good, yeah. I mean, you'll be zipping down every sidewalk you walk down. I tell you that right now. Love it, let's get some. Zipping down maybe at the speed of light? At the speed of light. At the speed of time? The speed of...

Yes, exactly. And what we want to do with them is we want to kill Hitler. Right. Kill Hitler? Do you know who killed Hitler? Have you ever met Hitler? I have. He did come to one of my movie premieres.

Very nice man, but I don't care so much for his mustache. This is narrowing down the year for me. This is probably in the 30s. Did he feel like you could... Who's Hitler? Wait, hold on. Have you ever seen Inglourious Basterds? Triumph of the Will?

No. Okay, all right. Kill him, he did. You haven't seen any newsreel footage from the 40s or anything? Why would I see newsreel footage from the 40s? You like camping, have you read Minecumpf? That sounds like a bad word Tatiana. It was in German, I couldn't read it.

I tried. You tried, really? I flipped through for pictures of like tents and canoes and stuff. Do you read books? No dice. Yeah, I read books. Non-fiction. Non-fiction books.

So you must have heard of Hitler. I mean, is Salis familiar? Himmler? Oh, Hydra Kimmler? Oh, that guy's the worst. Him, you don't know him. He's a bad dude. All right, never mind.

Well, look, if we could take some of your pills and go back in time and kill Hitler, we'd appreciate it. They're in a bag right here. I think that we'd all have a real good time together. All right, great. Let's have some here. I took those pills when I had to sing my song for the last movie I was in.

Can you sing some of your song? I love to sing a song for all of you. This was for my last movie. It's a song that many people have sung before because I know these exact lyrics to this exact song. We're going to take pills while you're singing, so Tatiana, you want to divvy these up? I'll just chop them up.

Okay, go ahead. Please, yeah, please. Lucy Buchater with a song while we... Fucking shit. Fucking motherfucking shit. Shit. Okay, don't hide it. Divide it. Okay, you're broke.

Are you kidding me? Fucking shit. All right. Fuck, man. You know what? I'm not even really that interested in going back and killing Hitler at this point. Do you want to just do some more of this?

I feel kind of like... I feel sort of like singing in the tap dancing. My little sand. Quicker, quicker, quicker, quicker. Come on, man. Come on. Come on, come on, come on. Slay bells in the air. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pick it up, pick it up. Faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster. And the giant were will come out of the ground and he'll eat you if you're not on the bed. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. Yeah, this is great. We're going to be right back.

We might have to come down for a couple hours, but we're going to come right back. Yeah, man, yeah, man. Let's go for a break. Come on, all right, let's go for a break. We're going to do more. Here we go. All right, we'll be right back with more comedy bang bang.

Comedy bang bang, we're back. I feel like crap. Yeah, the come down is really rough. I feel great. So many things in my life are going to change. I'm depressed as shit. Yeah, this is bad. Anyway, it's a couple hours later.

And welcome back to comedy bang bang. We took a break. We were moving at the speed of time. These guys came to my apartment and helped me move some furniture around, which is great. It's a great place. It's a great apartment. Thank you so much.

It was so nice to see the sun for the first time in two weeks. And you have windows? My God, you live like a king. Yeah, where do you actually live? You keep talking. This is Lucy Buchater, by the way. It's Lucy Buchater. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm putting the emphasis on the wrong syllable. Right. Got it. Buchater. She got you. Buchater. She got you good. Buchater.

Buchater. Lucy Buchater. You. Hey, I'm just kidding around. Should I sing again? Have you ever heard it? Go fuck yourself? Hey, look, dude, I'm just kidding around.

I didn't mean anything by it. I'm sorry. Why I act like that? I thought like... Act right. OK. Lucy, can I talk to you for a second? Yes, of course.

Well, I'm going to talk to him for a minute. I'm going to dress him down a little more. I get to speak to an actress as a friend. Well, I feel like our work tree can really heal people, and I think these two really need healing right now. Should we do a sing together? I thought we were just like having a fun. Or should we sing together?

I think we should do a sing together. Well, I've already sung. I really want to show my act. I would love that. But if you want to sing... No, let's just sing. I don't want to lose you as a friend. I know, that stuff is like...

Well, what about the scene in your movie where... You've seen my movies? I've seen all of them, I don't know. Hey, guys, excuse us. We want to do more of this. Oh, here, I have another bag. My hair is actually outside, and she can bring us some giblets, some nom-noms.

Some giblets. I'd love a giblet. I'd love a nom-nom, personally. The giblets keep me up for days and days and days, but I love them so much. Do you know the name of the place that you stay at? Metro Gold When a Bear. So you're at the studio?

It's Metro Gold When a Bear. I don't think MGM has existed for a while. Tom Cruise is going to buy it for a minute, I think. It's a studio, and I live underground, and I don't have any windows, but I love it. Underground? Who's your handler right now? My handler person.

Yeah. Her name is Lucille, and she works at MGM. Very close to Lucy. As in I love? No, just as in her name. Hey, kid, Lucy, do you mind if the three of us talk to each other? Yeah, we're just going to... You can sing something while you do it.

Here, here's some tap shoes. I would tap shoes. Where'd you get those? I just carry them with me all the time. Hi, for the musical numbers? Is she Hulk? Yeah, it's Wednesday. It's for fever.

Oh, yeah. I think she's crazy, right? I mean, we took that time machine that she has and didn't go back in time. No, we just got high. Yeah, we just sort of went slowly forward in time. We traveled too speed of it. I think that when she talks about Lucille,

I think that's just her. Yeah, it's too close. I mean, let's ask her about some other people she knows and if they all sound like the word Lucy. Good idea. And we know she's making it up. 00:53:28,640 --> 00:53:29,600 That's a foolproof.

Okay. Hey, Lucy. Thank you so much for coming back. I could have danced for seven hours if I could. That was beautiful. Thank you so much. That was beautiful. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Never seen it before. Yeah, you've never seen dancing before? Nope. I've danced and I've never seen a movie. How'd you know that was it? Scott, it's not a very nice... Because she knew that she was going to do it.

Natural thing, is it, dancing? Yeah. Thank you. Right. If you want me to do it again, I'll do it again and I'll do it again, Temple. Oh, that's okay. We just had some questions about your life.

All right. Who's your best friend over there at MGM in the other country? He's a little fella. I mean, he's 32, but he's shorter than me. His name is Lionel. And he's an actor, too. Oh, he is. We met on the side of Bang Bang Choo Choo.

Bang Bang Choo Choo. See, all this stuff. Bang Bang. Bang Bang. We're on. We're on. Bang Bang. It seems like she's just coming up with stuff.

She's like, usual suspecting us. What do you think your birth mother's name might be? Great question. Well, I don't know what her name might be, but my favorite name is probably Alice. I would love it if I had a birth mother named Alice. I love her so much. But if her name isn't Alice, I love her all the same.

I tell you, this has not been a foolproof plan. How do you fail? Do you want to ask me about the other people that I know? I love talking to people. I don't talk to people often unless there's a camera present. Is there a camera in this room? Yeah, I'll film this. Yeah.

I always bring my camera. I feel like I'd be more... I have my body cam on while I do the show as well. Fantastic. I have a glass eye if that helps. Does it have a camera in it? No. Shit.

Do you think it's heavy Davis Jr.'s glass eye had a camera in it? Who's that? Simba Davis Jr. used to babysit me back in the day. He did. I think we dated briefly. Oh, God. All right. All right.

So I hardly ever get to ask you or anyone this question. Yes. Who are your other friends? Well, there's my handler, Lucille. Sure. And then there's my good buddy, Lionel. Yeah. And well, I guess God.

God. God. God. Wait a minute. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. All? Oh, there's also my dog. Well, I call him Lucifer because he's such a...

Oh, my God. Have you ever seen the movie Loose Change? Have I? I've never seen a movie in my life, sir. Do you know what Loose Change is? Rod. Rod. Okay.

You read history books, right? This feeling is a trick question. If I say yes, I do know what Loose Change is. I feel like you think it's a different thing that I think it is. Oh, okay. I don't know. Maybe I will. Do you have any Loose Change?

I do. I'd like to buy myself a soda pop. They don't give me my money. Here's a dollar and quarters. Thank you. You might need another quarter. You might know you might need another. A real dollar.

I love it. I'm going to cherish it forever. I'm never, ever, ever going to spend it. Hey, I thought you were going to get a soda. That's the only reason you fucking gave it to me. This is more beautiful than any kind of soda I could get, sir. Wow, a dollar. A real American dollar.

Have you never seen a dollar before? I have never seen money in my life, sir. Really? So they just... So you haven't seen a movie? You haven't seen Money? I've seen Trebers 2. I wish I could experience that one day.

Have you seen Trebers 2? Michael Gross, you a Michael Gross fan? I don't think Kevin... No. Kevin Bacon was not in it. That was at least one... I don't know the days. Kevin Bacon was in it.

They made eight Tremors movies. Did they really? Yeah, I went to a film museum recently in the tiny town. A film museum? Yep, that was set in the town the Tremors took place. Oh, okay. So there's a lot of Tremors paraphernalia. I saw the worms two weeks ago.

A lot of Tremor mabilia. Is that what happens when you don't take your poo pops? Does that happen to you? It does. What are poo pops? What's a poo pop? It's the pill that makes me not shake. I got poo pops, Jim Jim's, Pocky Walks.

She's looking around the room again. I don't know if we should believe anything she's saying. Hey, Ron, is she older, young? I can't tell. I don't know about you, but I'm starting to feel disrespected, sir. Uh, I beg your pardon, I don't need it. And I haven't even discussed me trying to find my mother Vegeta.

I think this is actually really good for her to name her feeling of disrespect. I have a feeling of disrespect, I do. If you can name it, you can shame it. That's right. Okay, so I'm sorry. We haven't talked about your mother Vegeta, is what you called her?

Well, my name is Bettina, but I just assumed that's also her name too. Wouldn't that make it easier? I guess so. If you had a baby, wouldn't you name your baby Scott? Scott? I guess I would, yeah. I would name my baby Lucy,

since that's the only other name that I know. My mom's name is Obi-Wan. It is? Yeah. My mom's name is Obi-Wan, weirdly. What? Oh, really? Yeah.

Wow, you're the first one that I've met who had the same name as my mom. Obi-Wan from Regina. Is your dad's name, last name Kenobi? Did she marry? Yeah. Oh, okay, what's her maiden name, if you don't mind me asking?

Her maiden name is Feldman. Feldman? Oh, okay. At his name? Like Corey Feldman. His name is Joseph Kenobi. Do you know Corey Feldman? Maybe just for music.

Okay, every time you do it, what's the editor? I don't know. Do you listen to music? We haven't talked about music. We talked about movies and TV. Tell us about music. I love environmental sounds, though. Oh, really?

Okay, like birds chirping and... Waterfalls. Birds chirping, waterfalls. Sometimes combined. The ocean, a thunderstorm. What about all those combined? Is that your favorite? Is that your favorite?

Love it. What's that? What's the ocean like? It's like, it's big. It's wet. How big is it? It's as big as anything you can imagine, I guess. Oh, wow.

What? Never mind. You never saw the ocean? I've never seen the ocean in my life, sir. Not the Atlantic, not the Pacific. Not the Atlantic, not the Pacific. Not the Indian. Not the Indian, the Indian.

There's an Indian ocean? Uh, yeah, isn't there? How many oceans are there, Scott? Seven. Oh, my God. It's been a long time since I've been in school. Seven seas? How come there's seven different oceans

if they're all connected and just one big body water? I mean, it doesn't make sense. What's the biggest body of water that you've ever seen? My bathtub. Oh, so you are bathed. But not today. That seems like a luxury. That settles a bet that we had during the break.

Again, Scott, I feel really disrespected. Of course I bathed. How can we help you find your mother? I've bathed five times a day. Oh, boy. That's too much. It's in my contract. How do we help you find your mother?

Bettina, right? Is that, uh, if there's any Bettinas out there listening, this is Humanities Podcast, as well as the Animal Kingdoms Podcast, Ron. With your birds and your worms. Yeah, the worms. How do we find your, can we put out a plea? I was left on a ferry ship as a baby inside of a basket going from Staten Island to New York City.

If there's anyone named Bettina or had a baby that the name Bettina that they put on the ship, please let me know or let Scott know because Scott is my new handler. I'm your new handler. Oh, gosh. Hey, congrats, man. I feel safe here. You do?

Okay, good. I thought you felt disrespected. I don't want to leave, sir, please. Scott, come on. I don't want to leave, sir. Come on, dude. How, I can't tell if you're old or young. I don't know how old I am, sir.

If you're old, then your parents are dead. I think it's because she has her own lighting and so it's very difficult to tell. Exactly, yeah. But it looks good. If you're young and just delusional, then... I'm 72. Wow, you look great.

72. Thank you so much. So you were born in 1950, but you said that you came to Hollywood in the 40s. Are you lying to us? Is everything just a sham? I don't know, ma'am, sir. I don't know.

I just say numbers and I think that they sound good, but they don't. You're right. I am a liar, sir. You can whip me. Oh, I don't want to... Please put your... No, please.

I deserve it, Scott. Please, stop lifting up your shirt and showing me your back. This is your first test as a father. I deserve it, Scott. Oh, so I should whip her? Well, well... All right.

I read some books. That's the test. I don't know how old I am. All I know is that it hurts when I wake up in the morning and if you tell me what age that is, then that's the age that I'm in. Honestly, 35.

This is right. Yeah, I gotta say, after doing all that meth, I hurt in the morning. Yeah, honestly. I mean, it's morning right now. It's 4 a.m. right now. That's right. Yeah.

Can't wait to hear those birds. We've been here long, long, long, long, long time. On top of that thunder in the ocean. Look, I think... There's anything that I can do as far as my skills? Sure. What do you mean? I don't know.

No, but your skills are dancing, obviously, and singing White Christmas. Talking. Talking, yeah. I just don't know how to socialize. I'm not doing something even if I can, Scott. Well, I mean, yeah, it is... Obviously, you aren't around a lot of people.

You have... I fear that you... I fear that I've messed this up. I'm never gonna do it again. No. But the eyes are the camera of the face. That's a great point. The eyes are truly the camera of the face.

Especially if one is made out of glass. That's right. And the brain is like the VCR. Yeah. What's a VCR? Yeah, same question. You don't know what a VCR is? Nope.

That has to have come up in a history book. No idea. In a history book? Hitler had a VCR, maybe? One of the first ones. I didn't pay a lot of attention at school. All those Nazi scientists? I only like science classes.

What was VCR stand for? Video cassette recorder. It's a way to record television in movies, so you can watch it anytime you want. Is it a camera? No. I don't care. Sounds like a camera.

It's not a camera. It's a way of displaying the things that cameras record. I think she's right. It's a camera. Come on, back me up on this. I can't. Do you mean that you could... I'm wrong?

The VCR is a camera? It is a camera. Can you watch movies in your home? You can nowadays, yeah. I mean... Wow. We could watch your movie in our own home. I would love that.

What were some of those movies again? Locks, Talking To, Spoken Monkeys. So it's even closer to the lock-stock movies now. I don't know what I said before. Pearls On My Guitar. Pearls On My Guitar. The War Movie. About all wars.

About all wars, pretty, pretty girls come here, pretty, pretty girls sit on my lap, pretty girls. Oh, starring just me, and I danced and sang the whole time. Starring just you? Are you asking the pretty, pretty girls to sit on your lap? No, I am the pretty, pretty girl. Oh. But you never sit on anyone's lap.

But I'm also looking for more pretty, pretty girls for the big guy. Who's the big guy? Who's the big guy? Yeah. I know, but you never find out in the movie. Oh. Is it like the banker on Deal or No Deal?

God, why didn't they reveal who that was? Why are you looking at me? Can you imagine if it was Elon Musk? What are you talking about? In the very last episode of Deal or No Deal, suddenly the shadow goes away. It's Elon Musk up there. Man, that would have been so good.

Come on. I don't know what you're talking about. Meghan Markle? Why is that familiar? She's married to Prince Harry or whatever his name is. That's familiar, too. Yeah, from the queen. Do you know who the queen is?

Of England. I know who that is. You do? I do. She's been around a long time. Have you met her? Have you danced with her? I have met the queen.

Yes, I danced and I sang for her on her birthday party. I did. I was there. And did you relate to each other being both 72 and up? Yes. Again, I really have not nailed down exactly how old I am. True. Here's what I think.

I don't think you're old at all. I think you're a 25-ish year-old person who got conked on the head or something like that. A lot like the plot of Tatiana's movie with... The Vow. Yeah, The Vow. This is very The Vow. You're like, married to a bodybuilder.

Yeah, possibly chanting to him. Is that my handler? I think... He could handle you. Yeah, as a bodybuilder, of course he would. Yeah, he looks like Channing Tatum, I would assume. What do you think Channing Tatum looks like? I think he has a big head.

You're so far you're on the money. He has a big head, really tiny eyes. My grandmother would call them pig eyes. Okay, yeah, close. My grandmother used to tell me that I had pig eyes. And then I got a surgery to make them bigger. You have the biggest eyes I've ever seen. Yeah, you've removed your eyelids.

Thank you so much. This is not a compliment. I want to look like a little doll. Yeah. Big eyes, big ears. Yeah, I mean, it's Channing Tatum so far. Big neck. Slopey shoulders.

I mean... Sloping up and out. And big arms and little feet. Big arms and little feet, yeah. I mean, he's a dancer. I'm tall. What? What did you say?

He'll be run. I said, can't lose. Big arms, little feet. What do you think that refers to? Just like a way of being. Like, if your arms are big and your feet are little, you can't lose. Interesting.

So I think that you're like a 25-year-old who got conked in the head in a car accident. What does 25 look like if you write it down? If I write it down, I mean... So it's like a C? Like the actual numbers. Okay. And then you put a little line under it.

Uh-huh. And then you do a line up on the top. Uh-huh. Pull it down. Uh-huh. And then around another C. And that is how much things are? That's four of what you got from him.

That's right. Yeah, or the amount... Oh, my beautiful American dollar? Yeah, when you thought I was just giving away a buddy for no reason. I know how to count now, Scott. That could be every day. Oh, I don't know about that, but...

I never want to leave, Scott. 25 is the amount of times you've gone around that thing that he likes so much. The sun. The sun. Okay. That sounds about right. That sounds about right, right?

That sounds about right, yes, sir. Yeah, do you remember ever being in a car accident, like in a Chevy Impala or anything like that? God, is this for the room? Yeah, sure, yeah. If you do remember ever being in a car accident. Why then? I didn't know you were dressing it too.

I would think if you were going to interject and... Hey, man, I'm honestly... I feel like we got off the wrong foot. I'm not trying to wreck your show or anything. Okay, it just seems like a lot of people come on the show and develop antagonistic relationships with me. Not me, man. I'm like an easy dude.

Not really, I'd say. Scott, I love you. Oh, Jesus. Scott, this is... Is that what it's got to be about? That's a binding contact. He might hate you, but I love you, sir.

Look, I am off the market. I hate to tell you. No, I mean in a platonic way. Oh, okay. Would you say in a paternal way? In a paternal way, yes, Scott. In a paterno way? Have you seen paterno?

With paterno? Is that like the game... It's like you pull the lever and then the little ball shoots around? Al Pacino movie. Paterno? Yeah. So this paterno guy plays Al Pacino

in a series of movies? No, no, no. Pacino plays paterno, not in a series of movies, unfortunately. There are no sequels to that. I don't know. Look, I love you the same way that I love all my guests.

I love you, Scott. Which is not really. I love you, Scott. I guess your children... Scott, I'm worried about this kid going on into the world without you as their mommy, daddy. I love you, Scott.

Yeah, I know. I feel a certain responsibility if you're on the show. Your family, a lot like if you work at the Olive Garden or come into the Olive Garden. So, okay. You know what?

Yeah, sure. What the hell? I'll adopt you. I always carry around the contract with me to sort of fight paternity. That's MCU sized. Yeah, there you go. So just sign there.

Okay. Thank you so much. How do you spell your last name? Because that's my last name now. Oh, geez. So are you still going to be Lucy or are you going to be Bettina? Lucy, Bill Cader Alchemist.

Oh, okay. Yeah, spell it. Maybe I can get out of it. Wait, why are you saying this to me? Can you guide my hand out, Leona, because I don't know letters. You know what? I don't like it.

Here, let me teach you. Wow, you're just going to say it. I just don't like you. Wow. All right, you're right, you know. Our hands are both quite large and feet are both quite small. Huh, interesting.

You can't lose. It's so crazy that you're an actor and I'm an actor too. Oh my God. Yeah, it is. Oh my God, wait a minute. This is nuts. Is she another Tatiana character?

Is she vying for another Emmy here? Wait, are you serious? Do you not understand what's happening here, dude? Oh no, I guess not. What's happening? You still want to explain to me what's going on here. Bettina, Bettina, Bettiania.

Oh my God. Bettiana. Gasp. Are you my mother? Oh my God, I am. Mama. I'm realizing it now. I had a kid 25 years ago.

No wonder what you're looking at. A method-induced rage. Oh, in a rage, that makes sense now. Mama, you look incredible. I mean, I feel worse for wear, but I'm so happy to see you. I love you, mama. I'm sorry for leaving you in a basket.

It's okay. What were you doing taking that trip on the ferry? I was fucked out of my head. Oh, shit. And then, of course, Bettina here got kidnapped by the radio performer. Radio people, they died with the roof kicked off. I did have a blast.

So I'm a good worker, mama, I promise. What? Literally what? I'm a good worker, mama. Oh yeah, I know you. I did so good on those TV shows and stuff. I'm a real good actress just like you. I watched every show.

I memorized them all. All the impact sounds. Thank you, mama. And just now, you're realizing this is your daughter. Incredible. Well, just to make it official, I have DNA tests here. We keep them for all of our guests. We don't have to do that.

Let's pee in. I'd love to pee in something. Well, you and I should probably give it semen, but. Should we all pee? What? You two give it semen, we'll piss in it, and we'll shake it all around and see who's. Just to make sure.

I don't know. That feels like too intimate. I mean, I was willing to piss in it. Tell you what, tell you what. We're almost at our final feature of the show. While the theme is playing, why don't we jerk off on these DNA tests? Hey, man, what?

I don't want to jerk off with you. I'm just saying. Well, we're like in private school or something? Yeah. No, thanks. Okay. Private school to movie? Okay, look.

All right. I can just make it shit up. No, I'm not. All right, let's. We have one final feature on the show. I'm jerking off a dance move. Sort of. Check it out.

Horizontally. We only have time for one final feature on the show. That is, of course, a little something called plugs. Okay, let me on zip. Oh, come on, dude. I like this music. He's very jerking off music. Never occurred to me to put music on like what I was doing then.

It really helps. I feel like it would be distracting. Oh, no, it's suddenly over. That was POV, you're my therapist. By Scramdemic. Thank you to Scramdemic. And all right. So I'm going to put this in the little circle machine that revolves very quickly.

And we're going to figure out everyone's DNA here while we do these. But why don't we plug something? Tatyana, what do you want to plug here? Yeah, I did a podcast for Realm. I did one. What does that mean? It's a podcast website. What?

I'm the best. I'm really good at plugs. And it's called Power Trip. Power Trip. Check it out. I think it's coming out in July. Okay. So it's already come out, but check it out.

Okay. Yeah. What is it? It's a podcast. It's like a dramatic comedic podcast. It's a narrative. Scriptist. Okay.

Scripted. Have you listened to podcasts? I have heard of them, but no thanks. Have you? Not even Conan? I hesitate to ask. Not the barbarian. He was a barbarian.

Okay. From pulp novels, which you may have read. No. I don't know. Man, I don't know what it is with you. You said you've read so many. Okay. I said, I read nonfiction, dude.

Okay. All right, all right. About nature. Just about nature? Yes. What nonfiction is there about nature? The Sun Illustrated Biography. That would make a great movie now that I think about it.

To watch that. That's a good book. Yeah. Interesting. Okay. So a realm and what's it called again? Power trip. Power trip.

And people can listen to this. You can listen in. Yeah. And then what about your podcast? What about She-Hulk? The main reason that you're even here? And then She-Hulk comes out today? No.

No. Two days from now. Yeah. In two days from now. Yeah. And August 17th on Disney Plus. Do you get ratings or what do they call you up and go, it's a hit? Yeah.

Then you go, this many people watched. And I'm like, all right, guys, send it out again. Go ahead and put out episode two. That's right. You're the one pressing the button. That's right. It actually releases it. So you have to wait until midnight on the East Coast

to press that button. Wow. That's a big responsibility. Obi-Wan Kenobi, what do you want to plug? Again, just neuter your pets. Don't spay them. And everything will be taken care of. And everybody can have a good time.

Also, I just remembered I've also seen the movie Foxcatcher. Oh, that's the one I was trying to think of with Mark Ruffalo. Well, I've seen the poster for it. I have not seen the movie. Oh, what did you think of the poster? Pretty good. Yeah. I mean, it's got like three people on it.

I think I feel like was one guy in shadow kind of or two guys are making one face? I don't know. You're thinking of Dr. Facehands? You're thinking of Faceoff. I don't know what anybody's saying. You don't know Dr. Facehands? I don't know Dr. Facehands and I don't know Faceoff.

Face? Have you ever seen your face in a mirror? Yeah. Have you looked in mirrors ever? Maybe in a body of water you looked in and seen that sort of. Never. One time I was carrying a boat around and I looked at the lake and then I saw another guy with a with a bone and I was like,

I want that bone too. And then I was about to get it and then I had no boat anymore. That happens to me all the time. Really? Yes. It sucks, doesn't it? It does. All right.

Well, thank you, Obi-Wan. Nothing else to plug? Nope. OK. Lucy Bucater. Yes, sir. Or Bucater. Bucater.

Bucater. Well, what do you want to plug? Oh, there's a movie that my last film, since I found my mama, is called Jungle Jane. And it's a movie about a girl who gets lost in the jungle and then teaches all of the animals in the jungle to sing and dance. If you could breathe just a bit lower. What a horrible stage, mom.

It's like comfortable. But this is the last movie that I'll be doing. OK. Oh. Oh, my God. She's chopping up the mesh. Thank you so much not for having me on the podcast. That's OK.

We're not out of plugs yet. But I want to plug, hey, we're in the middle of the Comedy Bang Bang tour, which is going on all of August. And we have the back half now coming up after this on Wednesday. We're in Atlanta and then we go to North Carolina and Washington, DC, Brooklyn this Saturday. That's going to be an amazing show. What's this tour?

It's this show. Oh, you do it in front of people? In front of people. Yeah, if you can believe it. Why don't I come along? Yeah, you should come along. All right, I will. Every stop.

Every single one? Every single one. I'm like, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You got it. Talking about the sun and worms. You got it, dude. You know, you got it, dude? Never mind.

Cut it out. Okay, do you know about that song you want to know with that guy who said cut it out? What are you talking about? A nice more set. One of the Canadians. Yeah, anyway. You can please come and see us on all these. We have the next couple of weeks.

We're out there entertaining the people. And if you want to listen along with us. Not the troops noted. Sorry. If you want to listen along with us, you can go head over to CBBworld.com and subscribe. And all Maximus subscribers get to listen to these shows as we do them. So that'll be really fun.

And while you're over there, subscribe for a year. You get two months free. All right, let's close up the Oplug bag. Have you ever gone over a friend's house to eat and you don't like the pizza they serve? Because the toppings aren't the ones you like to beat the pepperoni sliding off. And you just don't have the nerve to say, I don't like your pizza. Boy, oh boy, bleep flop. I'm a founding father of rap.

And I'm not in any of the books or anything. And I understand why. Although sometimes I do get mad when I think about the guys letting me go. And they were very gentle about it. Oh, wonderful. That was Cal by Eminem. I love that. By Dig It All, Dig It Al, I think.

That's a lot of information to take in. But yeah, what did you think of that? Who was that guy? Cal Solomon. He sounded like he was having a problem. I mean, he does have a problem. That feels exploitative to me. Like you think that we have mentally ill people on this show and we're mining their

mental illness for laughs? Kind of. That's what it sounds like to me. OK. I apologize. I apologize for the past 13 years. We won't do it anymore. OK.

Speaking of which, Bettina or Lucy. We got the results back for everyone here. It turns out you're 100% that bit. So you know that. I'm 100% that bitch. You know Lizzo. You know Lizzo. She's the French.

It's the only music I listen to in my bedroom. Nothing anymore. Lucy, Lizzo, Lucy, Lizzo, Lizzo, Lizzo. Well, look. I just took a DNA test. Turns out I'm 100% that bitch. Even when I'm crying crazy. Yes, mama.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's smart. I'm sorry, mama. I forgot the words. I apologize for my daughter. Yeah. That's why I don't like pop culture because it's gross behind the scenes. Get back in the cage.

All right. So we have the DNA test for everyone here. Yes, Scott. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yeah. You are not the father. Yeah, I know. I'm a virgin.

Why didn't you leave with that? But sex is the most natural thing on the planet. Yeah. That's nature, dude. I like to observe it. You and me, baby. You like to watch people having sex?

01:21:31,280 --> 01:21:32,080 Nothing but mammals. Why didn't we start with this? You watch people having sex? It's consensual. They allow you to? Yes. Okay. A lot of people are into it.

But you don't like a solo man jerking off. No, maybe not. Maybe if somebody else was doing it, I might have a different. This is the first time for me. Right, right, right. So a little man jerking off sounds like a good time to me. It's just a man being happy dancing. I did not teach her that.

Look, I'm not blaming you. You just got to know her. Though she was watching you. When she comes back, though. I guess there's a lot I have to unlearn. 01:22:07,040 --> 01:22:08,160 That's right. All right.

I have my DNA results here. Yes, Scott. I am not the father. So we didn't have sex and... Yeah, we didn't have sex. Doc's dancing. Five years ago. Right.

Oh, boy. Why are you dancing? It's pretty cool, actually. He's doing the jerk off. Yeah, man. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. All right, but I do have the DNA results for Tatiana. Okay.

Yes. You. Yes. Are not the father. You're the mother. We found her. It's just me and my mama from now on. Yeah.

Well, I'm going to do the sunset. That's enough out of you. I'm sorry. So what kind of mother are you going to be? I'm getting an incline. I'm going to be a warm, I'm a warm mommy. I don't think so. I'm a mommy.

That's what I am with an EE, EE, EE. But maybe your daughter can be in the next season of She-Hulk. If she's good. I would love that. She's going to have to audition. Oh, okay. Are you going to start a blog? Start a blog.

I'm just going to continue. I'm doubling down. Really? Yeah, we're starting a whole website. What's the audition for She-Hulk going to be like? You have to do 16 bars or something? What about that? Can you sing fever?

16 bars of fever. I can, uh, yeah. I could have, I could have, I could have. Never knew how much. No. Chop it up. That's so. Oh, that's good.

Look how sexy my daughter is. Goddamn, I want to run around the world. All right. Scott's just jerking off now. Oh, okay. We'll be right up. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye.