Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - The Bat Emoji and The Eggplant Emoji (Paul F. Tompkins, Kylie Brakeman, Brett Morris, Nicole Parker Redford)

Episode Date: October 6, 2025

Burnt Millipede, Joan Pedestrian and Doug Pedestrian of The Neighborhood Listen podcast stop by to gush over Al Pacino, do a deep dive on comic cats, and talk about how Burnt’s girlfriend saved his life during pharmacy-themed holiday festivities in Dignity Falls. Then, first-time guest Dracula’s mom shares concerns she has about her adult vampire son. Plus, more bat puns than you can shake a bat pun stick at. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Clownabondy bang, bang, comedy bang, bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy, bang, clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, Batman fits in a suit, because his booty so tight. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Go Home Sam for that catchphrase submission submitted on January 31st, 2023. Just getting around to it. Thank you so much, Go Home, Sam. Hope you're still alive and could hear that. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. My name is Scott Ackerman, and I am the host of Comedy Bang Bang coming up a little later.

This is an exciting show. We have A Mother will be on the show. Okay. And before we get to them, we've talked about it, the tier of guests, movie stars up at the top, then TV stars, then authors, then stand-up comedians with a special, and then podcasters. And today we have some podcasters with us. This is exciting. And not only that, but they're citizens of the United States. That's true. They also are community, I want to say activists, but that's not exactly right. I wouldn't give that us that title.

There's a lot of things I'd call us. We're participants. We are participants. That's great, Doug. Community participants, they participate in their community, and today they're participating in this one, Comedy Bang Bang. They have a podcast of notes, season nine of which comes out this week, and it is entitled The Neighborhood Listen

Please welcome back to the show Burt Me a Payday, Joan pedestrian and Doug Pedestrian and Doug Pedestrian, babe. I know. Doug, what is it, Doug Pedestrian? I would hate to issue a correction right now. Okay. It's okay.

I think it's best just get it out of the way, babe. I think you have to do it. Just correct me on whatever I got wrong immediately. It's usually corn pedestrian. Yeah, I mean, not even usually. Don't say you. That's your name. It's only Doug Corn Pedestrian.

He took my last name. Conventionally is corn pedestrian. Convention. And your last name is, was. corn. Yeah, that's my maiden name. The K is backwards. Or the R is, right? The K is backwards in my case. Yes. Yeah, that's right. It's different from the band. That's right. You didn't want to get sued. Which is neat. Well, sure. The band didn't exist back. Wouldn't that be terrible to be sued for your own name? I don't want to get sued for that. Me neither.

Welcome back to the show, guys. So welcome. So welcome. And we feel so welcome. And I will say, I am a mother as well. So you're going to have two mothers. Two mothers on the show. This is unprecedented. It's never happened before. Are you a fathered, uh, burnt? No, I am not, not that I, I hate to say this, but not that I know of. Is it, was there any occasion where that could have happened, where you blasted up in someone without any protection? Wow.

Oh my goodness. Well, I wouldn't put it that way, but of course that's happened dozens of times and, you know, I've certainly, uh, I've certainly, um, you know, funded my share of abortions. He is so deep red right now. He's a deep shade of red and he is sweaty. We don't talk like that in our show. Does everyone have an average number or? I don't know. I don't know.

I'm just saying I'm done. You're all done. As far as I know, I'm done. Done blasted up. I'm done. Well, I don't know. Al Pacino and Robert De Niro, they're in their. They had a baby together?

You can't understand him at all. They were looking for Steve Gutenberg to be a three men in a baby situation, but it didn't work out. That would be interesting. Wouldn't it be interesting? What would it have been those two? And who else? Howie Mandel?

What? Famousous. Do you feel? Do you feel that Howie is more adjacent to Robert DeMiro and Al Pacino then? I was trying to think of, see, there were two, in my mind, there was Ted Denson and there were Tom, there were, there were Tams Selleck and there were a Ted Dantzance. Tam Selleck. Tam Selleck. Tom Selleck.

And Todd Donson. And they were, they were sort of the, you know, they were sort of the hotties. And I love Steve Guttenberg, but he was definitely kind of like the goofy guy. I was trying to think of who the third goofy guy would be. You had the three types with those guys. You had the three types. Steve Gutenberg, goofy. Goofy.

Goofy. Ted Danson. Hot TV star. Tom Selleck. Other hot TV star. Yes. With a mustache. That was a genre of its own. Yes.

That's very true. Now, Gerald McCraney. Does Al Pacino have a mustache? We don't know at this point. No. Does anyone have eyes on Al Pacino? Not his facial hair. Has he ever done anything where he's had just a mustache?

maybe cruising? Did he have a mustache and cruising? I don't believe he had a mustache and cruising. Do you know, this is a little embarrassing to admit, but whatever, it's a podcast. This is where you shared those things. Yeah, this is where you embarrass yourself. This is where you embarrass yourself. I had a crush on this was pre- this was pre-Dug. Oh, thank God.

Well, we went on a break, actually. I'm going to say it was right around this time. I don't know about this. No, we talked about quickly in high school. We had a quick break. Quick break. And when I was in high school, there was another boy that I had, that I kind of had a little to crush on, but didn't really pay attention to it

until we were on a break. And I found out that his favorite movie. Yeah, well, he was, and also just, you know, I'm not a movie actress, I'm not a TV actor, I'm a local actress, Scott, I just want to let you know. We decided amateur actress. Local to your own town, though, dignity fall. That's true. Amateur actress sounded too sad and

belittling. It sounded like a judgment, yeah. So we decided local actress is fine. But this boy was an actor, and he was so good. He did our play. He did flowers for Algernon. He played Charlie. Oh, he was so good. You got to be smart and dumb in that. Yes, you do. And he was very tall and handsome, and he looked like Robert Sean Leonard from Dad Post this side. Do you remember him? Sure I do. His dad, Kirkwood Smith, wouldn't let him do midsummer night's dream. Oh, what an asshole.

But he did it anyway. He did it anyway. He said he killed him. Lewis's his son in the age of innocence. That's right. That's right. Well, anyways, we hung out once and he mentioned his favorite movie was, at the time, was sent of a woman. And he said that he had the whole monologue at the end memorized. The hoo-a and everything? Yes. And I went home and I memorized it so that I could perform it for him the next time we hung out. I want to impress him. Isn't that so nerdy? I'm so embarrassed.

He's the one who memorized it. Yes, and I thought, well, I got to do it too. I want to show him up. If he's memorized it, then I memorize it and do it for him and show that I memorized it. He's got to fall in love with me. That's right. And it's funny because I was just thinking about that whole experience out of nowhere the other day and I decided to pull up the monologue.

It is ridiculous, you guys. Do you know any of it right now? Well, I just remember the part where he goes, bad man. Bad man. What the hell is that? He says that, because Baird is the name of the place, right? And it's Philip Seymour Hoffman in that ridiculous rich boy haircut, right? And he's just sitting there looking sad.

And then, of course, there's the, you know, I take a flybrode of this place. There's that one. There's that one. But this is a different one. And then he says something like, well, I'm saying the ones I remember. Is this the one where he goes, she's got a great ass? That's not the monologue. It might have been.

That's an heat. Oh, okay. Although, he could have said it in every movie. He had the option. I don't know if he ever availed himself of that opportunity. Do you think he had a little box that he could have checked? Do you want to say she's got a great ass in this movie? Yes or no?

Before every shoot, he huddles with the director and says, now look. This is yours if you want it. Would you like me to say she's got a great ass? And I believe he is the only one that he checked that box. Yeah. And it's hard to focus on what's weirder. It's just, you know, his acting of being blind or his acting of, you know,

of just being this, I think he was an old general or something. He was like a retired Army man. He says, I would fight you, but I'm too fucking old. I'm too fucking blind. And then he talks about Chris O'Donnelly. He says, Charlie's soul is intact. That's a good one when he says, intact. He really puts the emphasis on it.

That stuck with me, you know. Yeah. Clearly. I can only imagine. I'm amazed how much happened during our quick break. I'm always amazed. Now, we should. It was only a week, to be clear.

We were only broken up for a week. but I tried my best to sort of enjoy that freedom. Oh, sure. You developed a crush on this boy instantly that you'd take a no notice of. No, I have to be honest. I had said I had a little crush on that I'd ignored. I'd put to the side because I really wasn't love a dog. I guess I'm not familiar with that concept of having a crush that you ignore.

Oh, really? Because you were busy blasting up everybody. Now hold on a second. Joan. Now, we should tell everyone the premise of this podcast in case anyone hasn't heard of it. But is it just like our show. We forget to mention it. Exactly who you are.

Indeed. Now, you are a married couple, Joan and Doug. We are married, yes. Guilty. Seems to be sent high school sweethearts or junior high. Indeed, yes, high school sweethearts. That's right. That's right.

And Byrnd, where do you fit in to all of this? Well, we're friends. The three of you or just Joning? Well, you know what? It used to be just the two of us, but Doug and I are now friends as well. Wow. Okay. We don't have to dwell on that.

In the process of doing the eight seasons plus of this podcast, your relationship is deepened. Yes. I don't think that's fair to say. Burnt is a was a pharmacist at CBS and now you are the pharmacist. I'm the pharmacist in chief at the Dignity Fallsnessy. Yes. Congratulations. It's a beautiful state of the art. State of the art.

What does that mean when you say state of the art? Like more microscopes or? Well, we do have, I mean, you joke, but we do have way more microscopes than the average. How many, like the average pharmacy? How many did they have? Maybe two. How many do you have? Maybe two. How many do you have? 60.

60. 60 microscopes. There's a hall of, like, you have. of microscopes. Oh, wow. Now, are these microscopes that have been retired over the years? No, no, they're in use. They're, okay, so this is...

We have pharmacists looking at things through microscopes all day long. You also have a macroscope. We do have a microscope, which is very... Everyone's afraid to touch it. So that's taking a look at big things and making them... Making them look really small. In the commercial for the pharmacy, there's those shots of, like, you know, just like 60 people. They're just run the camera down.

They're all working the microscope. So it looks very, it looks very active. Everyone's turning knobs. There's also a large fountain. in the middle of the falls. See, right outside, there's a cliff diver. It's a beautiful three-story fountain. Well, it's inside.

It's inside, yes. An indoor fountain. An indoor fountain. It's huge. And, you know, we had, for a while, we had a window where you could see, like, a sort of mechanized, you know, pill bottles being filled. Oh, sure. It would go down an assembly line. And then it took so long because they could only make one pill at a time.

Oh, yeah. See, this is the thing about mechanization, you know, sometimes the human hands. is way better for this kind of work. Boy, Scott, that's true. And thank you for saying that because there's, in many ways, pharmacists are artisans. Yes, I've always,

I've always felt that way. Thank you. Always. Thank you. It was, I believe, my first thought. Really? The first thought you can remember having. The first one that I can remember having is,

boy, pharmacists are artisans, are they not? That's strange. You think that's strange. Yes, they do. You're in the profession, and you think that's strange. Well, for a child to have that thought, yes.

Do you see a chunk of raw material and you just see a pill inside of it? Oh, right, like a marble statue. You cut away anything that is not the pill. Anything that's not the pill. Uh-huh. Oh, now that's poetic. Yeah. So Dignity Falls is where you live.

It is. It's a town. Yes. In the United States of America. In the north of this west is she, stish, middle. Right. And you are, the two of you are friends. Now the three of you are friends.

And you do this show. where you bring on people who live in the town. Is that safe to say? Yes, we like to shine a light on our neighborhood of Dignity Falls. And we invite citizens, residents of the neighborhood to come on and talk about whatever they want to talk. Anyone who's just passing through or... Well, we use this app we have called the neighbor app. You know, if you go on there, if it's in your zip code, you'll see things like, oh, was that a coyote last night or where's my mail?

Are those gunshots? But everyone's... All three of those. What if all three of those were to happen to you? Every day all the time. Yes. I know I'm always thinking it every hour. I'm always thinking of it.

People are like, well, why is there a helicopter? Is the coyote shooting? This coyote has a gun and has stolen my mail. I haven't done my tongue twisters today. Normally I always do my tongue twisters. Are you familiar with a coyote showtings? I don't believe I am. It's specific to dignity fault.

It is specific. It's where there are trained coyotes. A troop of trained coyotes. Who's training these things? The coyote trainer. Oh, I see. Are all the questions this simple? trainer who's a coyote we elect him every year we it's an elected position there is yeah okay and so

they perform on a boat okay the coyote showt the coyote show yeah it's true incredible and that's uh thank you Doug every day six shows a day or every day six shows a day uh sundays just the afternoon well it's all they haven't unionized yet and it's just killing them they're also injured they're dumb animals yeah yeah we should also say that all the water's been drained out of the town so we don't have any water It's in the middle of the lake, but which is now a... There's a river-bosed to sea note that I don't even think is legal anymore. What happened to the water? No one really knows. No one knows.

I don't think anyone knows. It just kind of evaporated. Maybe someone... We've had a series of bad mayors who just don't... Oh, boy, that's true. Someone took a dry vac to it maybe, or... A dry back? Is that what I mean?

That's a wet theory. That's one theory. A wet vac probably would do better. A wet back, yeah, maybe better. Some kind of back. You probably short out a dry back, maybe. Yeah, don't use your home vacuum to suck up a lot. lake. But anyhow, what we do is we scour the neighbor

hap, where people send us in posts from people, real people. We involve those people. We invite them on to platform what it is they want to talk about. Sometimes they want to sell things. Sometimes they have a mystery to solve. And yes, we invite them on. We get to know with our neighbors and we also get to hopefully help them. And rarely do we help them. No, because they're beyond help. They don't want to help themselves. No, they don't. They're mostly crazy. They're on well. I'm sorry. I feel like this is the kind of thing I would say and you would say I know, I don't say it on my pot, but I'm in a different podcast.

This is where you share. Exactly. This is where you share. These people are damaged in the brain and they, and they, you know, they talk about things that are. Perhaps, who knows? Like the whole town was on a football team maybe and all ran into each other. So what? Cool town.

Like a streamage. During like a, yeah, or shirts and skins game or something like that. Man, if you're a woman, you want to be on that shirt. Our football team used to be called the skins. Really? Because they were the only team in the league that. would play with no shirts on. Really?

Yeah, they'd have all the pads and everything. But no shirts. Just no shirts. Yeah. And it's a very unique town. The individuals inside of the town are odd balls, a collection of odd balls. Who were some of the biggest guests that you've got? We had a guy named Sybil on there.

Oh, yeah. I heard this one. Sybil's Bibbles, I believe, was the business. But Bibles met lockers. This person rented out lockers? Yes. Which seemed very strange and was trying to offload a bunch of keys, which ended up being only five, really, I think, that he was trying to get rid of.

A strange guy. A strange guy. Yeah, certainly. Interesting family life. You know, they ate steak for breakfast, lunch and dinner, really. That sounds good, actually. Oh, he said he was very backed up. Different temperatures?

He said he was backed up all the time. That sounds good to you? It sounds good to me. I would imagine medium rare in the morning, medium in the afternoon. Oh, the real of this works, well done at night. The riddle of the sphinx. We had someone who was addicted to Nestle's, sorry, Hershey's cookies and cream bars and was hiding them all over town and and why to what end so he could be in in a certain distance

of a Hershey's cookies and cream bar at all time wherever he was yeah and so that he would burn the calories in order to eat the next one then he'd eat it he would walk to the location and were they equidistant from each other yeah I asked the same questions guys wow Doug yeah you and I are so similar so if you picture like a spoke almost yes with with his home at the center of the wheel or his location yeah we also had an interesting gal who really just wanted to platform her cat and get her cat on instagram and get her more um famous yeah i'm not sure we helped with that i don't think that we did i haven't heard of this cat so i don't think it worked oh then i guess it didn't work out and wait was it garfield it was not garfield oh okay that's the only famous

oh heathcliff those are the two cats i know of i guess the rum tom tugger who was his deal morris oh the rum tom tugger now you're talking my language as a local actress yeah on the But Heathcliff, his deal was he liked to eat fish bones and toss garbage. I mean, he looked very much like Garfield. Am I correct, remembering this? Hold on, everybody. Okay, all right. Let's not go off the rails here.

Heathcliff didn't really look like Garfield. I think they were both orange, and that's about it. And Heathcliff was a very deep brick orange, and Garfield, I think, is a more cream-sickle kind of orange. That's the one difference. Heathcliff loves lasagna. If you're going to have two orange cartoon cats, that seems a little strange. Why wouldn't you pick something else? That's on Garfield because Heathcliff was first.

Oh, he was. And Heathcliff did not eat fish skeletons. He would create fish skeletons by eating the fish. Yeah, wouldn't he actually peel? Oh, Gert, you're really getting him there. He would create it like Jesus, created the loaves and fishes? As far as I know. And Heathcliff's deal was he was just a cool guy.

He was very cool. He walked on two legs. No. Not on four. To walk on four legs breaks the wall. That would be in the evening. Yeah. And he, no, that'd be in the morning.

And, yeah, he just kind of did whatever he wanted, and everyone was sort of in awe of him. Yeah, he was, he's sort of the neighborhood rapscallion. Yes. Yeah, who wandered around. Yeah, did he, he had an uncle, too, maybe you had a top hat with the top, kind of the, like coming off of his top? I'm seeing a derby for some reason. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. You might just want to see a derby, because I know you prefer. I know you love a derby hat. I always do. You are, you are partial to that kind of hat. The roundness is pleasing. I think top hats should always have a lid on top. Yeah, the little lid, because it's like, what else are we doing?

We got to keep stuff in there, right? What else are we doing? What else are we doing? Also, you got to take it off your head and look inside otherwise. Why not just pop the top off? Yeah, and then how do you look at it? What was the question? And then how do you look in it?

You're saying it's more convenient because you would have to take the top hat off and look inside it to see what you wanted. But if you have the lid on top, then you can reach in there. Go from there. See, this is what I love about the dynamic of our podcast, because Burton and I will talk a little bit, and then Doug will be silent. And then all of a sudden, he'll have a thought that is just so out of left field sometimes. We have no choice, but to stop everything, and we have to ask about it because he records in a different room. He's our engineer as well. Oh, that's right.

So that's your purpose on the show, Doug, is you're the engineer, and then you started talking on Mike. Well, he's become a real fan favorite. Sorry, we don't have fans. We have listeners. He's become a real listener favorite. We have not confirmed a fan yet. We don't want to presume. We don't want to presume.

No one is a fanatic regarding your podcast. No one has declared that. No. It's also mean to call people fanatics. That's true. That's true. They're just human beings who happen to listen to a show and enjoy it very much. That's a reasonable thing to do.

Unless they're a fuzzy green creature from the Galapagos Islands. Mm-hmm. From Philadelphia as well, or like by way of Philadelphia. Oh, sure, sure, sure. Now, what is happening on season 9? This is a brand new season. Yes. And what is going on here?

The same thing we always do. Wow. 13 times. No additions. No one knew to the catheter. No one had a baby. I suppose the biggest changes are, well, I mean, I'm not sure. The last time we were on here, I don't know.

Had you been dating your girlfriend yet? Oh, I certainly hadn't moved in. Oh, I don't know. You sly dog. I haven't heard about this. Yeah, I have a girlfriend. I knew it. I knew he hadn't heard.

Who's this girlfriend? Her name's Gabby. She's a smoke jumper. That's true. Okay. This isn't Gabby from Gabby's playhouse or dollhouse. No, I don't know what that is. I've only just learned of the existence.

of this thing. And I know that there's a certain demographic that's very excited for it, and I've never heard of it before. A certain demographic of three-year-olds in which I have one. And that's why I... My twins, who are in their 20s, regressed over the last year, and they actually we had to, we had to, they had a

really rough time because they were trying to sell a reality show about pranking your parents. And then they tried to write a pilot for me called Mr. Doubtfire. But they turned the whole concept on its head. And they wanted to shoot it all in one shot in our house. And it was just a disaster. Lesson style.

Yes. But with a lot of nudity. It had a lot of full frontal. They would blur out my face, but not my boobs. It was very weird. And they would start talking like five-year-olds and acting like five-year-olds. They regressed, yeah. I'm talking about my, my twin, their twin boys.

Their names are Matt and Il Contadino. And Il-Contadino. Yes. And so they've regressed mentally back to five years old. So they're watching Gabby's. So that's the only reason why I know. Or house or Playhouse, we don't know. Yes.

But it is not that Gabby. Go ahead. Tell them about Gabby. It is not that Gabby. She does not live in a dollhouse. She lives with me. Oh, you are cohabitating. We've recently moved in together.

Congratulations. That's a big step. It's going wonderfully. And what is her story, if you don't mind me? She comes from a family of smoke jumpers. Okay. And these are people who parachute into a raging forest fire. Sure.

In an effort to extinguish it. Much like Howie Long in that movie from circa late 90s, early 2000s. I'll take your word for it. Sure. Well, it's funny you mention it because we always have to say this is not a movie podcast on our show because we devolve into talking about movies a lot. It's true. But this is a movie podcast, correct?

No, it is not. Although I would love to have you on Scott. It hasn't seen my sister podcast. We were on it. We did that. Oh, that's right. Yes. It shocked everyone.

I was the only one who had seen it. Meaning I want to have you on again, is what I'm saying. Oh, that's good. Firestorm. Sure. Howie Long's 1998 film. And this is Terry Hatcher's husband. Still?

Really? They can't be still. Do you remember they did those commercials for batteries or something? Oh, right. Now I see what you're talking about. Because it was such an unlikely pairing, people assumed they were married. Because why else would you have these two specific people together? I'm looking for personal life on Howie Long's Wikipedia page.

Same. He met his future wife, Diane Adonizio. Oh, wow, that's almost like my boy's name. During his freshman year at Villanova. They married in 1982? I think it's Villanova. And they have three sons. Oh, good for them.

Fantastic. Now look up Terry Hatcher. Okay. Personal life. Terry Hatcher had an affair with Howie Long. Oh, my word. During these commercials. It was the battery commercials that did it.

Wow. There's something about battery. There's so much. Batteries are electric. The charge. Batteries are about charging. That's right. And so there's a charge in the air automatically.

Yes. Wow. So anything else happening on season nine of the neighborhood listen, which comes out this week. Of course, people can hear this. ad free on CBB World as well as wherever you get your podcasts. Anything else happening for this?

Should we ask them what CBB World means? We constantly wonder. We talk about it a lot. We have these bonus room episodes we do on CBB world. One a month, it seems. One a month. It seems like that. It seems that way.

It does seem like that. And this is you guys watching a movie together? We've done that. Sometimes we've been accused that that doesn't seem like it was a lot of work. So we do other things as well. movies are two hours long. We watched Ice Castles, which was wild, by the way. If you haven't seen that one, that would be a good one.

Maybe we should come back and make Scott watch that one. It's bizarre. This poor woman, she's just, no one takes care of this young girl. Skater who dies or something? No. Oh, okay. It is about a skater. Although one can presume she's dead by now.

That's close. The character? The character, yes. We also answer questions from our listeners. We've gone on double dates with Gabby and us. We've recorded for some reason? In our in-home sizzler, which I created. Oh, you have an in-home sizzler?

Yeah. Tell us about this. It has one employee. And who's the employee? It's beautiful. It's a beautifully recreated sizzler. It's authentic to the experience. But I built it from memory.

So some of it might not be your experience. I should clarify that his main memory was shiny red bricks. Yeah. And that's basically everything. Refrigerated plates. Oh, Scott's got you there. That's a good detail. That's true.

I didn't think about that. Did you have an accent suddenly? What? No. Scott's got you there. We do dining in the dark experiences at Sizzler now. Oh, right. That's right.

Which is fun. And that's where you try to guess what you're eating based on the texture. Well, you try to go to the salad bar. Okay. In the dark. And this is based on the brief trend from 10 years ago? Sizzler? That was a long time.

No, the dining in the dark. Do we have the garlicy cheese bread here? Oh, of course. Fantastic. Of course. But there's also a sizzler to go, like a Chili's to go at the airport, just outside if you just want like a stale Caesar salad. Now, do you run this as well or is this a different? It's become a family business.

It's the honor system. It's sort of a family business. It's not really a profit driver. I didn't want it. No, we are, are you kidding me? I had to get licenses for things. It's ridiculous. You're not really zoned for business.

Not at all. We're not zoned for the 160 rooms that he's built. Yeah, that is a big part of the neighborhood listen is hearing about how you're, is it a, is it. like a compound has expanded? Yes, we've gone underground. One of the things we went to Las Vegas about, what is a year or two ago now, babe, and you just love the Venetian. So he tried to build an underground canal system.

Yeah. That was one thing you were doing for a while. I built a hall of Hapsburg Jaws. Yes, you did. Hapsburg. Where you could put your, the jaws were cut out and you put your own jaw in that? It was a long haul of the lineage of Hapsburg. Not unlike the hall of microscopes, but in this case, they're not being used for anything other

than should just be looked at. That's right. And you would hear a voiceover, like a ghostly voiceover as you walked through it. Whoa. And why ghostly? That was my question. Because there's nothing more frightful than a halfsword job. I mean, so many.

Okay. And when you, and then by the end, it says what you, wait, how did I say? Oh, he's doing the whole face and a voice. He's putting his hand on his throat for like an effect. I don't know what this is going to be. Oh, that was good, Byrd. Well, you are now. I once was.

I think that all museums, all the audio tours and museums should be like sort of ghostly voices because it's all stuff that happened a long time ago and everyone involved is a ghost now. So why not? And that's the final one is the jaw is cut out and you can put your right in there. You can put your own jaw in there. But then it doesn't really make sense because. Didn't you also demolish like the rooms next to it so that you could walk along and put your eyes through the, because I know that's a whole thing. Most of the rooms we've had, I've since paved over. Paved over.

Paved over. So the rooms still exist, but they've been paved over. Yeah, that's the first step to reinstallation. So this is sort of like the old city of Seattle. It's like you build on top of the... Yeah, if you dug down, you would see our old house, you know, through the years. Well, this is a, it's a fascinating podcast. Oh, thank you. Hosted by a trio of real intellectuals who have people on,

And talking about their lives, I'm sorry. Thank you, Byrne, because I don't think we should run past this. Yeah, when you call us three intellectuals, real intellectuals, yeah. Yeah. Well, that's nice. What did you mean by that? Hang on, babe. We need to get to the bottom of it.

I think we should accept that. I understand what you want to move on. Trying to make your podcast sound classy, like the NPR crowd might enjoy it, you know? Like, because right now I think a bunch of, like, dumb comedy fans probably like it. But I'm trying to get, like, you know, comedy fans. First of all, listeners, not fan, Scott. Second of all, I don't think anyone who loves comedy is dumb. Although Bert does, he absolutely...

Oh, I think a lot of people who love comedy or dumb. Depends on the comedy. What is it? There's a specific part of comedy you don't like. Is it sketch? It makes you furious. I don't like sketch. That's what it is.

Because the stories are too short. That's right. A joke, great. I'm not expecting much. I'm expecting a good joke to be over at a certain point. A sketch seems like they get me interested in, invested, then it's over. Right.

Sketches should be half hour. Sometimes they go too long. Half hour, yeah. Long form sketches. Yes. So it's a calm. Half an hour, yeah, 22 minutes with a laugh track.

Yes. Yeah. What's so hard? Multicamera. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Speaking of which, I mean, another one of our bonus episodes was actually reading the pilot that

Sybil was one of the guests that actually it's when we discussed it. He wrote a pilot called Evident Lee about a man named Lee who sees evidence, Newprint style, you know, just everything goes black and white. You know, Newprint style. Newprins, of course. We know Scott knows, but maybe our listeners, your fans might not know. Evidently has what is referred to in the script as Newprin vision. Yes.

Where, much like in the TV commercials for the pain reliever. From back in the day. Everything will go yellow except the most important. Everything will go black and white. Okay, Doug. Okay. Well, I was in pilot. I just misspoke.

I'm not trying to misrepresent your idea. This is a big deal for it. I understand. So everything goes black and white except for the most important element that. That is seen in yelling. Not necessarily the most important. Not necessarily more important. The most evident.

Oh, impotent? No, not impotent. See, I'm doing what you did. But anyway, anyways, that is a 22-page script, but it is a half-hour procedure, which I told him isn't a thing. But he's really trying to break down that barrier. Half-hour. Yeah, I mean, it's tough to get all those clues. But, you know, you can do is just cut out a lot of the steps where it's just like they go to the first crime scene and then they see the thing that leads them right to the criminal.

You think that it's like that. You have to go back and listen. to it. The whole thing starts with the stage direction of wipe. Just to wipe from nothing? That's what they said. It was my favorite, yeah. It's my favorite transition, I believe.

It's a bold start to a show. To a bold show. You have to, and it's a bold show. But you do have to consider what are you wiping from? That's correct. We needed that. We needed that information. I mean, it's not from nothing. There's always something before the show.

Like a commercial. Right. But that means you have to wipe The commercial. You'd have to sort of get them on board with this so you can make that happen, that transition. Whatever it is. You can't get permission, though. You can't just reach over and wipe someone else's work. I like, I like that. And also, what?

Better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Sure, sure. But you also have to figure out how to engineer this so that it happens. All right. We're not at that stage yet. You know, maybe people are not in charge of the editing or anything like that. You're just kind of telling them what you see. This guy, no show business.

It's true. It's true. I'm the guy who wrote a pilot that had something called a cold tag, and the network executives were like, what? I said, I don't know why I wrote that. Well, the neighborhood list in season nine premieres this week, I believe on Tuesdays it comes out.

Wait, what does CBB mean? We have to answer the question. Oh, yeah. I don't even know, actually. What? Yeah. No, I inherited the show. Oh, you did?

Like the Tonight show, yeah. From whom? There was a, I know Polly Shore had it in the 90s, and I'm not quite sure who the original hosts were, but yeah, I did, I mean, that lore has been lost over the years. Oh, really? Yeah. No one even knows anymore. So before the 90s, the lore is lost. There's got to be a way to find it.

Well, it was all in like phone books and stuff like that, and now no one uses them. The lore was in phone books. Yeah, it was all written down in photo. It was like, you know, passed down through advertisements in the yellow pages and stuff. So, sorry, would you have to sort of hunt for it to put it all together? It would be in various advertising? Like written like a paragraph on one page, a paragraph on another page? You know how like we had that friend in high school who was like, I'm going to write

on multiple pages in your yearbook. Did you ever have that? No, none of you are women. That's why. Trust me, there were these people who would do like, go to page nine, go to page 10, go to page 25. This is a choose your own adventure book, I think. It was obnoxious. Do you think the yellow pages had to be dyed yellow?

Like each page, somebody had to. I think they probably use yellow paper. Or an old tree. Where's that come from? It can't be found. That lore is gone. Yeah. We don't know.

We don't know. There's no way of fighting out. But what I will say is that season nine of the neighborhood list and comes out this week, I believe, on Tuesdays. And you guys can stick around, can't you? Oh, sure. Oh, we'd love to. We have a fantastic show. We flew all the way out here.

Yeah. On my dime as well. Every two years, I get to come to L.A. Thank you for business class, by the way. Of course. And that was an upgrade. You didn't, that wasn't in the contract. I'd just decide to upgrade you guys.

Oh, really. Yeah, it was quite a nice at the airport, yes. We have a mother coming on the show. Oh, interesting. And I would love to see your interviewing style, so perhaps we could all talk to the mother together and ask questions together. I would love that. Okay. Well, wonderful.

We're going to come right back. We're going to have a mother. We'll also have, burnt me a payday, Joan Pedestrian, Doug Corn Pedestrian, the cast of of The Neighborhood Listen. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang, Bang, we're back.

We have burnt me a payday. Hello. Joan Pedestrian. Present. Doug Corn Pedestrian. The hosts of the Neighborhood Listen, season nine of which comes out this week. And anything else happening,

like big news in the town these days or anything like that? Oh, boy. You know, Halloween is coming out. That's right. And that's the next major holiday, I would say. Halloween in Dignity Falls, unfortunately, has kind of been supplanted by the pharmacy parade. Yes, I've never heard of one of these. Well, it's specific to Digny Falls, as so many things are.

I always thought this was everywhere. Turns out it's just it's just Digny Falls. Yeah, we're the only ones that do it. So there's at least 60 pharmacists who work at this place you work at because of all the microscows. That's just our pharmacy. Yeah. Yeah. But there's a lot of pharmacies in Digny Falls.

Is there all in both places? And, uh, uh, You know, there's a parade where the pharmacists ride on floats and they throw up pills to the kids. And it's become, and I feel sort of bad about this, that it's kind of eclipsed Halloween as the as the go-to holiday around that time. What day is this held? This is held the day after Halloween. November 1st. Yes.

So people don't really go out trick-or-treating anymore. But the prep is so, I mean, this almost put burnt in the hospital last year. He was in charge. What they do is going to get a gigantic straw pharmacist and they set it on fire. And he was in charge of building the head, and it nearly did you in last year. Oh, it was really intense. We were working around the clock and just like threading the eyelashes because everything's made out of straw. And I ended up inside the head when it was set on fire.

And that was thankfully my girlfriend, Gabby, was able to rescue me. Oh, did she smoke jump into that? She smoked jump right into the head. So she saw this from the ground, got into a plane. Yeah. Got her parachute on. Somebody said Burns up there, and she, like a shot, she got into a plane. She got into a plane. Parachute up there. Taxied. I had thankfully thought to build a fontanelle into the head of the...

Oh, thank God. The pharmacist, she just came right through. Wow. Right through the soft spot. And saved you. And saved me, yes. Incredible. How romantic. I don't know if you know this.

This is another thing I think the Scott would find interesting is that basically the first thing that happened once he and Gabby started dating was, I think just two years ago maybe when they went to Greece and on their on their flight back. They didn't make it that far. Mount Etna was erupting. And they had to do a lava landing, an emergency lava landing, which I didn't know was a thing. It's very rare. Everybody scrambling to the top of the plane. But in an emergency one. That's what I'm talking about.

And a squadron of hopters. A squadron of hopters? It was a squadron of helicopters. I didn't do my tongue twisters again. I'm so sorry. No, that's okay. You pronounce it H-apostrophie. Get to the hopter.

That's a good impression, Doug. It was really good. Thanks. Good, Doug. Maya Al Pacino and your Schwarzen, your Arnold. We should get together.

On a date someday. Oh, that would be fine. Have you good bonus? Oh, sure. I'd love to hear all four of you talking to each other. Anyways, everyone on the plane had amazing sex afterwards. Everyone survived.

And it really gave them kind of a death wish for a while. So this story is actually quite tame, the one of her rescuing him compared to what that was. I guess. Yeah, we did. It was romance. Everyone had to climb out on top of the plane as the plane as the plane

was slowly being consumed by the lava. And then we were rescued by the hopters. And then we all, they had a massive text chain after that, all the passengers. Has it died out by now, though? No, still going strong. We're still going strong. Don't those drive you crazy, though? Because half the time it's just someone putting a thumbs up on the same text.

It drives me crazy. Yeah, every once in a while, I'm on a giant one with like nine people. And there will be 57 notifications and just people thumbs up. The worst. Why do we need this? Why don't we need to know that? The worst is when someone had discovered stickers. Oh, it's just.

Sure is. And they're always adding a sticker to everything. Takes extra time to see that. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Yeah, so we kept in touch, and then afterwards we all, you know, stumbled onto the fact that we, all of us had just incredible sex after that happened. How did you stumble on this fact? Did someone blurted out?

Some brave soul blurted it out. And then we, everyone had to say, actually, us too. Wow. Yeah. And so was everyone in a couple who was on the plane or did people couple up? No. All the single people that were. on the plane, ended up in a couple with other people that were single on the plane.

Okay, so everyone knew, it was in pairs of two, though. So it was an even number on the plane. There was a few thrumbles in there. Oh, there was some people were Polly. Oh, absolutely. Okay, great. Some people weren't before and they are now. Okay. Good for them. Yeah. I think you're born, but it did give us a, well, no matter how you're born, you might not realize it until later. Sure, exactly. Yeah. That's what you're trying to say. We both agree. We do agree. Yep. And we like each other. And we like each other. We're friends. Yeah, we're friends. Yeah. And, you know, now that sounds like an NPR podcast. It's good. Keep going.

Gabby and I did have a sort of, you know, that movie Fearless with Jeff Bridges. Sure, of course. Yeah, with Rosie Perez. Oh, Rosie Gaines. Wait a minute. That's a lot of Rosie thrown around just now. Is this a movie podcast? I asked. He said no. He said no. But I do know fearless. But yeah, we had, we had a death wish for a bit. I wouldn't say a death wish, but we should have just said, you know that movie death wish. We were under the impression

that we were perhaps immortal we could do. That's what it was. That's what it was. Because we had beaten death. Yes. So we were we were driving a car into a brick wall. You know everyone is immortal. First covering it with sanitary napkins. You forgot that part. Burns. I did forget. Which you wanted to argue affected the impact in some way, which can't be true.

It had to have. It had to have. You can say that. Sanitary napkins are nature's airbags. Is that right? Yeah. I think that says it on the package. I'm not sure. What? Because what's coming out is supposed to, I don't know, be stopped and thrown back in your face? I don't know. I don't know how it works. If you think about it, it is like an airbag for the, the, the, the, the, anyone who can have a period.

If it weren't, if it weren't there, who knows what could happen. Oh, every woman does. Every woman does. Well, we're getting, I rest my case, we're getting deep into the weeds of this. There's going to know about this coming on soon, right? Yeah, exactly. We need to get to our next guest. She is a mother. Please welcome a mother. Hi, Scott.

Hi. Hi. Doug and Bird and Jones. So nice to meet you. Thank you for having you. Welcome to the show. Can I call you mom or? Yeah, if you like, if you want, that's okay. That's okay. Well, my name is Ellen Dracula and I am Dracula's mother.

No. Oh, whoa. Wait, the Dracula? or some other Dracula? Yeah, the Dracula, the one and only. That is my son. And I'm here because, you know, he has been single for so long and he won't do anything about it.

Dracoo. He won't do anything about it. Great time. I know you're excited, but just give her a minute, okay? Let's just get to know her. I know you had to. No, it's true. It's true.

And thank you. And I feel like I have no other choice, but to come out of here and get the message out. get to all that. I got to dig in on just you being Dracula's mother. I mean, I feel like... Oh, sure. If you want. Yeah. I mean, that's, I look, so are you hundreds of years old? Scott. Well, I mean, I don't mean to ask a lady her age, but... You don't do that. But if we're going through Dracula lore, he's, he was born in. He, he is very old. I'm very old as well, but we're both kind of frozen at like a solid 40. Well, sure. You look terrific. Oh, yeah, you look fantastic. Oh, thank you. Thank you. So you were,

You were turned into a Dracula at age 40. Right. When you marry Dracula's father, presumably. Well, I don't know. We don't want to presume. I got it through marriage. Okay. Because some people inherit, you know, I got it through marriage by law.

We got married in a courthouse, and I became a Dracula as well. And you had already had a baby at this point, who then grew up to be the age 40 and then was turned into a Dracula? So, yes. Yes. So we had sort of a, you know, at the time it wasn't, it wasn't what you want. Right. But you don't want a baby before you get married. But he was blasting up inside of you. That's so true. That's exactly how it happened. I was blasted up inside of by a Dracula. Then I became one by law. By law. Oh, so you get to do it. Oh. Well, I got to admit, Doug, it was fun. It's fun to do it. Everyone should do it. Can we very quick. quickly take a detour because your

voice is, I have to say, not what I would have expected. No, you don't have the Romanian sort of cadence. No, of course. My husband has the cadence. Because I think of Dracula saying, For sure. I want to suck your blood. Have you met my husband? Have you met Eric? That's exactly what he sounds like. You're doing a spot

on impression of Eric from now. I want to suck your blood. This sounds more like Santa. No, Santa sounds like this. Oh, no. This happens a lot on our podcast. You have Santa Claus blindness. That's correct.

Santa Claus deafness. So wait, Santa Claus deafness. Is that that really sounds like your husband to you? That is what my husband sounds like. He's watching the game going, oh, oh, all that. You know? Was your husband royalty and that's why your son is a count? So the Dracula as king's stuff, that's not, we don't really like, it's more

about the blood for us. It's more about the bats. It's more about all that business. And we didn't really get any. We're not nepo-dragulas, right? We're not, we're not countesses. We're not like, okay. So your son,

your son lived 40 years before anyone thought to turn him into a Dracula. Yes, he lived a normal sort of life. And then someone came along, a dark stranger promised in the world. Absolutely. So this was not kept in the family at all, this was totally outside of the familial circle.

Some other Dracula made him a Dracula. A different Dracula made him a Dracula. Because we wanted to give him the choice. So is that the term, are we saying another person from the Dracula lineage or another vampire and referring to vampires? I really needed this clarification. It's kind of like Kleenex, you know what I mean? It's like Dracula is so famous. I think I'd ask her before I asked you.

It was a Kirkland vampire, essentially. The Costco brand? Exactly. It's like a rectangle square situation. Not all vampires are Draculas, but every Dracula is a vampire. Okay. Got hard. Yeah.

So some other vampire turned your son into a vampire. That must have been an exciting day for your family. It was exciting that he chose the path, you know, because he was screwing around for a while going, oh, I think I might be like a tennis coach. I might be normal. I'm thinking I might be normal. And 40 years of this, I can only imagine, like at a certain point, you know, like he could passed away from a heart attack or something we had thrown in the towel we were really we thought

he was a lost cause we're like you're not you're not going down our thing you're not you're not meanwhile he's getting closer and closer to your age uh by looks yeah we look we look sort of you know that tumbler website siblings are dating sure siblings are dating sure you know it no i've never heard of siblings or dating oh you put two pictures up no you put one picture up let's get the process totally correct on this because I think people are going to visit this website and I want to make sure that they know the exact instructions of how to do this. Of course I don't want anybody left behind. No child left behind. This is one picture. It has two individuals in it. They look similar, but there's a romantic chemistry evident in the photo and people have to comment whether you think siblings or dating. Now do they ever receive the answer to this conundrum? And I believe they did. Somehow through the format of the website, they they revealed it, but the interface is a little, my memory's going on it. I think maybe you have to swipe to see the answer. Right.

There's like a series of, yes, the information is. It was like an ancient photo. Can you only find out the answer if you vote? Or pay. I don't think it, I don't, you know, I don't think they paywalled it. I think they were really noble about it and they kept, uh, they wanted, they wanted everyone to have access to the information of whether they were siblings or dating. Back when the internet was good, right?

True nobility. It's true. people stood for something. I don't want to get political, but they did stand for something. There was a common good. Yeah. I didn't realize that was political. But, um, so you, uh, you, you, you, you, you all move over to the state at some point. I'm sorry. And I've got a, I've got a question. We all have questions. And you said we could ask the questions. Sure. Yeah. Okay. What is your husband's name? My husband's name is Eric Dracula. Eric Dracula. And is he still with us? He is, um, you know, he's a mechanic and a Dracula at night.

So mechanic during the day or mechanic and Dracula during the night? Mechanic? He says, so he's really busy at night. Because he can't mechanic during the day. No. Right. Because he'd get burnt up by the sun. Sure.

Sure, yes. So he's a night mechanic. He's a night mechanic for, you know, people, some people work days. People work, you know, it's true. Some people do. Nine to five, they have no time to bring in their car. And so they can only do it at two, three in the morning. And so that's what Eric does.

And he is specializes. I do. I'm a realtor. You know, it would be a great time for me to bring my car in. Of course. Come on by. Come on by the castle. We'd love to have you.

A castle. Oh, so you do really live in a castle. We do have a castle. But not a Nepo kind. It's more of the monster kind. Oh, okay. Can I ask a question when you were talking about your son as a mother, you know, like when you're talking about how he wanted to play tennis or you're thinking, I was, I wanted to follow up.

So is it that you have, did you say you have a hope that you're, you're, like, Let your son is going to follow in. This is not a gotcha. This is not a gotcha. This is not a gotcha. I want to be impeccable with my words. No, I'm going to get NPR listeners. Okay, so is it the kind of thing where are you watching your son and you're hoping he grows up to be that kind of thing?

Is it? Or is it that like he has to come out to you as mortal? Do you what I'm saying? Are you disappointed when you find out that he's not wanting to be a dragon? I do not mean to make this a gotcha question. It's Joan's question. I'm just enthusiastic to hear the answer. I feel like what you're doing is making her feel more worried.

I'm really trying not sure. I mean, this was supposed to be a mother to mother question, not a pharmacist mother to mother question. I think gotcha questions. This is a strictly M to M to M. Gotcha question's got a bad rap, I think. Because every question should result in a gotcha.

Like you answered. Like you got the answer. Yeah. Gotcha. I got a positive way. Like I guess we've, I guess we've co-opted gotcha to something else. I don't think it should be a gotcha question unless the person actually

says gotcha afterwards what if they say got ya then then you go then you say to them why didn't you write another song why was it only just that one so did we get the answer to this question so i love and i love the questions i love a question so you're wondering if he um if he if he if i'm disappointed that he isn't following yeah did you have that moment or is that not a thing well sure I had to grieve the loss of a Dracula son sometime around he was 30, you know, he was swiping his tennis balls left and right on the court. Okay, like you do. Like I did on that website trying to get the answer of whether they're dating or related. Exactly. Exactly. Simplings or dating, but in this case, it was tennis. It was a tennis ball. Married to this woman named Emily,

who was nice, who was nice. But, you know, a lot of ease in this story. You got Eric, Ellen, Emily. It's a big E-family. You know, sometimes we all find each other. I don't know what it is. It's something, there's something animalistic about the E. You know what's another big E family is the smallest family? Mm-hmm.

And then what is your son's first name, his Christian name? So his name is Jack. Jack, Dracula. Okay. Jackula. We wish that would have been fun, right? That would have been fun. That would have been fun.

But we care a lot about having a solid first name and a solid last name of the family. So he is Jack Dracula. and any shorthand, you know, that would be confusing because are we talking about me? Are we talking about my husband? You know, who is just, and I, and did you get teased a lot in school? That just seems like a name that you get teased with, that they would try to shorten it or do things like that. What was it like from growing up with that name? I call him Jackophila.

He had some, you know, he had some tough, he had some tough bullying years for sure. I hate that. There were people saying, oh, your name, your first name and your last name could be combined. You weirdo. We could say it all in one word, you freakazoid. But luckily, he found this really great group of boys who were, you know, really emotionally intelligent. Oh, good. Wonderful.

So now he is 40 appearing and he's looking for a mate. He is looking for a mate, yes. And he has had no luck up to this point. And I've got to say, as a mother, I just don't, I don't think he's looking that hard. I don't think he's looking that hard And so I have no choice But to come on and advertise And say, you know, my son Dracula

He's a catch He's here Jack Dracula And what are the What are the pros and cons? Let's get into that Pros and cons of dating Jack Dracula Because I want to be transparent

To all these lovely ladies Can you do that by the way? Can you be transparent? Can you be transparent? I can't If you give me like a minute I can't You can't

Will you please stop jumping down her throat Give her a minute Oh, no. I mean it takes one minute. Oh. Oh, I see. Oh. And then I can disappear. Gotcha. But I'm just being, I just mean it would take a whole thing because it would be a whole. Like a spell or incantation or can you just like clench your vagina muscle really hard or something. It's like, what is that? What is the show? What is going on? It's not that kind of show. Just because I'm a mother doesn't mean I'm clenching my vagina. I don't know. I don't know the process. I don't know the process of turning invisible. Do we want your fans listening to our podcast? I'm not sure. We don't have that kind of talk on our show. I'm sorry. Clenching your sphincter is what I should have said.

Okay, sure. That's much better. So much better. Yes. Not gender neutral though. I can't do that. But my woman, a lady spankter. Yes.

But the pros and cons. Wasn't that that romance novel you were reading, Joan? The ladies spanker. I've heard that's good. It is good. I was thinking of turning it into a stage show. But anyways, this is not about me. Go on.

No, of course. Okay, so pros, pros, if you like bats, you're going to love my son. And why is that? Oh, yeah, he can turn into a bat? He turns into a bat or he has a lot of bats hanging around. He turns into bats. Wow. He associates with bats.

A lot of his best friends are bats. How many bats does he turn into? I feel like the first part turning into a bat would be a pro. Hanging out with bats, that does nothing for me. But now you said he turns into bats. Like a different bat each time or multiple bats at a time? So we kind of has multiple personality disorder with the bats. the bats it's a little he's got he's got different um people he he different sort of bat

personas oh he could zap into he can zap into him he can zap into him you know of course at first we were like should we get a psychologist should we figure this out you know kind of get him get him into one personality one bad personality but he what what are some of the bat personas oh so um he he's got this bat jeremy bat and and he is a real prankster He is leaving whoopee cushions. That sounds like your children, Joan and Doug. Absolutely, yes. Oh, my God, I mean pranks and also mostly said anything's on fire, so I'm not sure if they actually would.

They would love Jeremy, they might get along. You love Jeremy the bat. My son's person and one of his personalities. Oh. There's Edward Bat. He's sort of the bad boy. There's Jiminy Bat and he is like a singer. Oh, that's so charming. I would like Jiminy Bat.

Now, does Jiminy Bat sing in a bat voice or a human voice? Sonar? It's so, yeah. Did it sound like that? No, that's just my little. It's heavy on percussion. It's kind of sonar, yeah. Oh, okay.

So it can be enjoyed by us. We would hear it to our human ears as a drum, but bats would hear it as sort of a Frank Sinatra. Oh, sure, sure. And does Jack have these personalities when he's a human or only when he turns into it? Oh, he keeps it just bat. So when he's a person. person he is, I've got to say, he needs to come out of his shell. He's in his room. He's brooding. He is

going to the blood bank alone. He's killing deer alone. Oh, dear. And he's just keeping to himself. But when he's this bat, he's sort of this, this wonderful buttercloth. Well, there's a male loneliness epidemic happening in this country. That is so true. And it sounds like even Dracula has fallen victim to this. Even Dracula is male lonely. This might be a weird question, but when he's a bat, are there bats, are there lady bats that may be that, is that the connection that he needs perhaps? The lady bats, you know, so it's tough because he, some of the ladies have fallen for Jiminy bat because, you know, he's an accomplishing. Exactly. That's what I'm thinking. Absolutely. And I bet the bad boy, Edward. And the bad boy, Edward does get, he gets a few

Lady Bats are sure. Oh, that's always what happens. He gets his share. That's what makes the males be very frustrated when they're nervous. You know, they say, well, women always goes for a bad boy or a bad bat. Yeah, a bad, a bad, bad boy. Make me feel so good. It's true.

Which, by the way, was a song that opens the montage of three men and a baby. But anyways, I digress. But he just can't translate it to a human woman. They're not, they're just not sticking for some reason. And, you know, it's like, is it the fear of being? being transformed into the living dead you know it could be you might have hit on it but did you have that fear when you started dating oh of course but I got over it you know these how how it was a different it was a different you know I in those days if a husband

comes a knock in you're kind of like I'm ready sure okay I get it but I'm I thought I was gonna rhyme with rocking yeah I was a little disappointed yeah quite honestly I was waiting for some rock and roll did did did you was there sense when he turned you into a Dracula? Oh, sure, sure, sure. I said, sure, whatever, sign the papers. I don't want to live, I don't want to live with my parents anymore. How did he ask you?

He said, he said, my darling angel, I, would you make me the happiest have ever been? Kind of sounds like Borat, I have to say. Did he ever say, make you my wife? He sounds a little bit like that movie star Borat. That movie starring Borat. I think I remember that movie. It was called Borat. He's a movie star, Borat.

Oh, the movie star. He's been a two movies. Has he been on the show? Even being in one movie, that's a movie star. I'm a movie star. I was an Austin Barra's gold member. Oh, good for you. That's one of Doug's favorites.

Love it. There's the proof. It answers the question, what would happen if someone's member was gold? What would happen? And, well, you know, I had no choice but to say yes. And so I think girls these days, they're getting picky, you know? Well, what if you were to, like, I don't know, hypnotize someone into loving him or something like that? You guys can do that, right?

Can he enthrall people? You can enthrall, sure. It's a little frowned upon. It's kind of in a gray area right now. Oh, wow. There's a lot of Dracula dialogue right now about is enthralling okay. Oh, that's good. Is everybody on equal playing fields if one person is enthralling?

You didn't enthrall us. to talk to you right now, right? I mean, we're... No! Oh, my goodness. No, of course. I only enthrall when someone says, please enthrall me.

Okay. I wait for a full and hard, please enthralled. And why does someone want to be enthralled? Some people just, they don't want...

There's so many... Have you heard of decision fatigue? Yes. Oh, absolutely. You know, you're going on postmates. What do I order? Oh, my God. You're going...

You just want someone to enthrall you to order, like, And you'll be happy with whatever comes up. Yeah, so that you can, so that it's one less thing you have to think about. What do I wear today? Enthral me. Exactly. And I am on Fiverr I offer this as a service if people wanted.

They should have that on Postmates, just like a wheel, you know, and it just surprise me. Surprise you. Yeah. Exactly. Anything. And then they, it comes with $500 worth of food. You have to accept it. Yeah.

Every single time. That's right. So your son, what are his hobbies? What are his interests? Oh, his hobby. Great question, Scott. He is a fun guy. You ladies will love him.

Yes, but what are his hobbies? What are his interests? You're going to so, exactly. You can love him, ladies. He's a good boy. Yes, but what are his hobbies, what are his interests? So exactly. If I would say, in terms of hobbies, in terms of if it's where someone's, either one of them.

So if it's a period of time where it's like, where someone is spending the most time doing something, I guess technically his hobby. would be killing cows and robin blood banks so he's a bank robber in a way exactly so if you

The John Dillinger of blood The what? The John Dillinger of blood Why doesn't he just buy the blood? You know Are you allowed to do that? I had a question when you said he went to the blood bank

I was confused as to how that worked and what he's doing but you're saying he's stealing it like breaking in at night so he's breaking in at night When the nurses go to bed, they're, every nurse. They go to bed there? There's a, you know, the nurses, they're tired, you know. They got to go to bed.

Do they have bunk beds like four up to the ceiling? So it's a 16 bed, a female-only dorm. They have a little hostel on the side of the blood bank. And that's where the nurses go from 3 to 4 a.m. because, you know, you don't want a tired nurse. Oh, sure. So you're not out of sleep. Yeah, that's all they do.

3 to 4 a.m. Give him an hour of sleep at 3 a.m. And get back to bloodletting. Better than nothing, I always say. And that's when he strikes. That's when Jack strikes. That's when Jack strikes at 3 a.m. You think that they would maybe like shift the going to bedtime if repeatedly it's being, you know, robbed.

Or is he getting in and getting out without a trace? I mean, are they aware he's stealing blood? Otherwise, how could he keep doing this? Well, you know, sometimes you do have to enthrall for hunger. Oh, he enthralls them. We give like a little bit of a pass for that. But at the same time, these nurses are on their phones. They're not even sleeping during this hour?

They're looking at sibling or they're looking, they're swiping. They're just swiping. It is an epidemic. Everybody is on their phones and they don't want to meet anyone real, you know? This is tough. I'm getting to the age where I would like some grandchildren. Yeah. That's right.

You want to meet someone real like Dracula. Is he able? I guess you were impregnated. when he was a Dracula so it's it's it's you're able to when you're a Dracula you can yet when you're a Dracula you can create a little Dracula if I can be so crass when you're a Dracula you're a Dracula but then but then that exactly does that Dracula stay uh that age forever of one day old so when you're when you when you when you when you when you have a baby as a dracula we here's here's what I think happened to you is you were impregnated as a human woman

by a Dracula. And then that baby grew to be 40 years old and then became a Dracula. But if it's two Draculas, they can have a baby, but it stays as one day old. It can stay as one day old. You can do some magic to make it older if you want. But I think there's a little bit of magic, of course. I'm not aware of it. We're not sitting in our castle doing just twiddling our thumbs.

You're not playing Wii sports. You look like. You look like magicians, basically. That is true. The capes. Just not a top hat, but that flips up top. A top hat. We've got half the outfit and a lot of Dracula's.

You know, they choose that path because, you know, you already have the wardrobe for it. It's already a tax ride off. It's already easy. It makes your life easy. Do Dracula's use canes? You know what? Table this. We need to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to answer this question if Dracula's use canes ever. I can't wait to tell you. And then we're going to dig in a little bit deeper on getting your, your son a mate, and maybe we'll take some calls. I'm not quite sure. But we're going to come right back. We're going to have more from Ellen Dracula, more with Burton Bia payday, more with Joan Pedestrian, more with Doug Corn Pedestrian.

We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang, bang after this. Comedy, bang, bang, we are back. We have burnt me a payday. Joan Pedestrian, Doug Corn Pedestrian of the Neighborhood Listen podcast. Season 9. which debuts this week on Tuesday, I believe. Tomorrow. Yeah, if you're listening to this on Monday. If you're listening to it on Tuesday, comes out today. If you're listening to it on Wednesday, you're too late.

It's already come out. It's already come out. I'm sorry. If you pass away. It's never coming out. It's damaged goods. It's already out of its wrapper. We also have Ellen Dracula. Just kidding. That's my son. That is what he sounds like. I enjoyed that, though. He's got the typical voice. He's got the boys. Everything you want out of a Dracula.

Exactly. He's your classic, all-American Dracula. He's a good boy. I heard you learn how to speak basically from your peers more than your parents. Does he have the metal with the red kind of ribbon? You know what I mean? The metal. The beautiful medallion.

Oh, the Dracula's medallion. Yes. Of course. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't say medallion. I always said metal. Sorry. because this is a classic cultural-flash situation.

I remember to add Allian next time, so you're not so confused as to what I might mean. I think people say metal, Dracula's say medallion. That's one of the many hilarious that's called the whole thing off between us too. Exactly. Does he have it, though?

Oh, he's got one. And what about the canes? And what about the canes? I know you are eager for this question to be answered. Do Dracula's have canes? Do we? Do we have that? And the answer is sometimes, it depends on the Dracula.

It's a Dracula's choice. Did a Dracula ever, like, break their ankle? A Dracula can. A Dracula can break his ankle. And then you would need a cane sometimes. And then you would need a cane. I would think they'd have brittle bones. I mean, all they'd drink in his blood.

Yeah. Yeah, there's not a calcium in blood. I don't think so. Is there? Oh, I don't know. I'm not the person to answer that question. Siri is there calcium in blood? Oh, it's serious.

A series vacation. I have a question. The steak and the heart thing, is that true? Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness. That seems like a weird thing to mention. It really does. Hey, Doug, how do I kill you?

Hey, if I were to shoot you in the head, would you die? I was just always wondering where, like, is a toothpick a steak? This is. Where's the line between a toothpick and a steak? How thick does this wood thing have to be? Because a lot of times you see like the, the cross. thing. Like in a movie, someone will make a cross out of two sticks and that counts. I think it's got to be an official cross. I think so too. But people can't just like

hold up their hand. I'm making a cross with my arm right now. Kind of looks like a plus sign. I don't think it would work. You didn't require a man. No, if it locks into plus sign position, no matter what it is, it can kill you. But if it's a little on the border, if there's an angle, if it's more of an X. So a cross can kill you. Wow. A cross can kill you. I thought Dracula's were just afraid of crosses, but they can kill you. Well, the cross that kills... Why else would they be afraid of them? Oh, that's a good point.

Fear is rooted in truth always. That's a good point, yeah. Boy, that's so... Wow. Now, but the stake in the heart thing. Stake in the heart, that is true. So... But that's true for anyone, right? That's true.

But specifically... Probably. That will pretty much kill anyone. It's true. I could kill anyone if you that way. But you, you know, my... It took a turn. Okay, thank you. I won't.

We're not trying to kill you. Thank you. I won't. Okay, good. I won't. Glad we cleared that up. And I just want to, I want you to know that I trust you with this information. Oh.

But a toothpick. A tooth pick. This has come up a lot. Every time you go to a restaurant and Doug gets a little candy and he gets a little tooth thick. This is a frustrating question. Do you think I could kill the vampire? And then he'll ask me the whole way home. It would.

The whole way home. It would hurt a lot. Sure. It would hurt a lot. To death? It wouldn't kill me. me. It wouldn't hurt me to death. Okay. But it would hurt a lot and it would

rub me the wrong way. Because I think in order for it to be a stake, it would have to pierce the breastbone and I don't think a toothpakes... No, it'd be like a paper cut. Yeah. I think Doug is imagining some sort of scenario where open heart surgery is being performed and he comes in and just pokes a heart with a toothpick.

Open heart surgery is being performed on the Dracula. Yeah. I hope we get there as a society one day. I hope so. We would love to come into The, us, us Dracula's walking into hospitals and get an open heart. Yeah, what do you have to do now in order to get health? Oh my God. We got to get, we have to get a special vampire, excuse me, not a vampire doctor, a Dracula doctor.

Oh, okay. Because a vampire doctor will see anybody. Oh, they'll see, they'll see mummies, they'll see Frankensteins, they'll see ghosts. Oh, they don't distinguish. They're just kind of for everybody. What are the chief health problems that ghosts face? a wiggly leg wiggly leg they got

they got an orb orb syndrome that sounds painful that does sound terrible I've got some friends it sucks to hear it from that it does suck you know that they show ghost adventures or any sort of paranormal show where they're like

here's the footage and then there's like a fleck of dust or a flicka sort of like a catch of the light and somebody goes there And that is a ghost But it's a ghost And terrible pain So can I ask you this question

Because I know Doug is just really itching I'll just gonna ask it for you Because you're talking about That you fraternize with other Sort of Halloween-type monsters Just like the monster match And I know that's what he wants to ask Is that term okay to use fraternize?

Oh is it okay Fraternise is okay I'm sorry I should be choosing my word Choosing my words I should be choosing my words more carefully Oh Oh here you're bad

Oh, very great. Oh, the first episode of our podcast, you'll hear that we love talking like Elizabeth McGovern's character from Downton Havie. I'm worried about the girls. I'm worried about the girls. I have a fever robber. Just keep the girls away. But back to the point of hand, do you fraternize with Wolfman? Why did you name the dog Isis?

Right, so you hang out with other monsters, is that right? This is Lady Grantham, you're talking? Yes, Lady Granth. Who is that the Monster Match? Like, everyone. Yes, baby. Full guest list. I don't want to go into it again this year.

Swamp thing, the rest. But yeah. We do, we do socialize with a wolfman. With a wolf man. With a werewolf with a Frankenstein, with a Frankenstein's bride. What about a Frankenstein's monster? A Frankenstein's always, someone's always going to correct you on that. Oh, I'm not correcting.

I'm just assuming you're hanging out with the doctor. I would assume. It's two different questions because they're two different guys. Exactly. We are hanging out with both. That's right. I have a wide social circle. Gollum.

Gollum's in the mix. Orcs, ants. Depending on where you're at. Some people throw a dauby in there. Is Bayowulf in there? Beowulf can come. Odysseus can come. Charlize Theron from Monster?

Yeah, sure, she can come. It's a big, it's a big, wide socialian. What about the Green Giant? So Mike and Sully, yeah, they're allowed. They're allowed as well. The Grinch can come. The Green Giant. can come, the green giant can come.

The jolly green can't be there, honestly. We should make that list. Sure, you're welcome to ask who can't be there. James Woods. He can come. He can't come. But, you know, it's a big social circle. What if you're just in a bad mood that day?

If I'm in a bad mood, depending on who can come and who can't come. Yeah, like if I'm super hungry, I feel like a monster. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, if you're, if you're, if you're feeling a little off that day. Yeah, you can come. Now, I would assume Mr. Hyde is invited, but probably not Dr. Jekyll. And that's where we draw the line.

That is where we draw the line. But it's a big, it's a big party. It's a big crew. That sounds food. I mean, it sounds food. That sounds food. To use my husband's accent, it sounds food. Okay. So, I mean, we want to, we may want to table your question because we have to get to the matter at hand.

Okay, okay. which is your son? My son. Jack Dracula. Jack Dracula. Age 40. Age 40. Sex, male location.

Transylvania's house. His room. And he... Could you say that address again? Transylvania's house. Transylvania's house. What type of woman or whatever is Jack? Any companion.

So we are looking... You know, I'm a mother. I'm a mother and a Dracula. I'd like for him to marry a Dracula, but it's not a requirement. Of child-rearing age. I love everybody. Of course.

Because you'd love a little grand Dracula. I'd love a little grand Dracula. Oh, that's nice. Are you willing to do the magic to make the baby grow older? I am willing to do it. It makes me sweaty, but I can't do it. I'm looking for a girl who is family-oriented, good with rats, good with... So someone who is on family funeral?

I said we could you know if there's like a contestant or if there's a contestant on family feud I'm sure family oriented anyone who's good with Steve Harvey is good with me they can also come but someone who's good with rats how come that's important oh well because we have rats scurrying around they sort of do our bidding that's also that's part of what we have you I mean we're comfortable have you to use a I mean I guess a term that's not very nice have you enslaved these rats? Oh dear no no no no no no okay sort of a it's a voluntary I would say it's more of a surf Ellen could you Can you pause for one second? I have to say Scott I know I'm a guest on your show Sure

Some of these questions I feel they border on the rude Well I you know If someone's slaving people I call it out I'm not at the Riyadh comedy festival Well you won't be now that you said that Oh shit

Certainly not Certainly not But to jump right to rat slavery That really seemed like skipping several steps. She said rats do their bidding. It never occurred to me. They were enslaving the rats.

I don't say that anytime I've been the boss of anyone, I haven't said like, you know, oh, these writers on my TV show are doing my bidding. But they are. Sure they are. They're doing. Or else they'll get fired. If you bid those riders to, to ride a task, that is bidding. They're not writing tasks.

Well, I don't know what riders ride. This is a task mess. Are you a big task? I don't know. I don't know. Is that the only television show you see? I don't know the lingo. I don't know these words, these agents, these, the first look deal. Oh, wait a second. I don't know anything. This project was an ankleed. What does that mean? I don't know. I don't know. You know, sometimes you you bite an agent's neck, you hear stuff. Oh. Oh, this leads me to another question. How many people have you murdered?

Oh, gosh. Gosh. You're what you want a know my body count. Ooh. Sure. Yeah. I know it's impolite, but I mean, this is a podcast. Do you keep track? This is a podcast for questions.

I do keep track. You know, a lot of people think they don't keep track, but I have a little book. I write down everybody because it's important to remember, you know. Why? It's important to remember every soul, I think. Oh, I love that. That's beautiful. I just think it's nice.

I think it's nice. And it is nice. And it helps you feel okay about, you know, and I like to think I'm made up of all the people of. Oh. What is your body count? Start us at 14,000. Oh, my word.

I've been around a while. And so the number has racked up a little bit. That's a giant number. Do people really taste different? Is that a thing? Oh, yeah. You're kidding. Who tastes about?

Thank you. Type O is a blood type. Okay, not by ethnicity. No, no, no. Oh, that's not what I meant either. Scott, my lord. To be highest. That's not where my brain when I do not, I do not see color.

I do not. You just see blood. So vampires are colorblind. Yeah, I am colorblind and I can only see blood. Okay. And we're all of these people that you've killed. Concedural? They all wanted to be killed?

I can't imagine 14,000. No, that's where we sort of get on like an ethical, like, but I would, what I would hit back at you with is. Okay. Is the United States of America so. guilt-free. He's trying to get into Rion again. You know, we've done drone strikes.

There is no, we are, our hands are not clean, but you've eaten, have you eaten a chicken sandwich in your life? Oh, boy. Have you done?

Before you move on, let me answer your question. Can we all answer that? Yeah. I would like everyone to come forward to be honest. I'm trying to think. It's a question is the answer. or two. Have you eaten a chicken sandwich in your life? I went to a...

Oh, there's a story behind it. I went to a place... Well, I'm just trying to remember. I went to a place called Chick-fil-A once. Okay. I ended up not ordering... I think it's Chick-fil-a, isn't it? Yeah, it might be, yeah. No, I haven't. Oh, wow. You've never eaten a chicken sandwich. That's with bread around it? Or on a bun? Yes.

Additionally, it's chicken, your choice of tomato, lettuce, mayo, whatever. You have to choose one of those? You know, I've been eating people for a long time, so I'm a little out of the game. But from what I recall... Have you eaten a chicken sandwich? This is more interesting. Or have you eat, suck the blood to someone who just ate a chicken sandwich. Is that what it's more like?

Well, yeah, it's sort of like, yeah, like how LaCroix is like the essence of something. Right. Not quite enough. It's not quite enough to be like, yeah, that's pompous. of those. But I can taste, you know, there's been an air, there's sort of an air of chicken sandwich about drinking out of a dirty glass. Got it. Go. But a chicken sandwich is a faint memory for me. So if one were to date your son, you're being initiated into a lifestyle where killing me, excuse me. We're not going to all. Yeah, I mean, Doug was ready with

his answer. Doug is, he's been dying. I am curious. Let's go around the horn. Doug, what do you got I've had an open-faced chicken sandwich before. No way. Bottom or top? Top. So is it open on the bottom? Yes. Joan makes a great open-faced top, top-open-face chicken sandwich with raisins on the bottom.

And I usually pick the reasons. Is it like a bed of raisins? It's a bed of raisins, followed by a little bit of mayonnaise, followed by some some pickled lettuce and chicken. I call my messy bottom chicken. sandwich. And then a bun on the top. What do you call it? My messy bottom chicken sandwich. The messy bottom chicken sandwich. It's what you get after you eat it sometimes. So now have you had, obviously you've had it unless you're cooking them and never eating.

And I do want to say it is chick fillet because of course if our listeners are listening, they know that my boys, my twins sold that prank show to the chick relay streaming service, which was a thing for a while. I know. I do not eat from them because they turned out. They passed on their project night. So I'm boycotting. That's why you're And that's the only reason I boycott you. Okay.

Selected boycott. Not because they made you do nude scenes. And Burns, have you had a chicken sandwich on a Kaiser roll because I cannot eat square food. That's right. You don't say it. It makes me sick.

Okay. What if you were to cut the square food diagonally so it's triangular? Isn't that funny? Everyone always tries to every. They always want to sort of, you know, work around. Yeah, they always want to fix your problem. You know what? I should just empathize with you.

I don't mean to fix your problem. No, I can, but just like a man, right? To answer your question, I can't eat food in any other shape, no problem. Okay. It is tough when food that used to be square has been cut into another shape. Yeah. Because I just know somehow. Yeah.

Okay. So an uncre, well, no, I guess an uncrustable was never square. No. No. Right? No. So that's, so I just wanted to make sure you can enjoy it uncrustable. Oh, and I do.

The way we tested it is when we did this, we did the sizzler, you know, lights out food. and we thought maybe we could fool him then in the dark, but he could tell. They heard by gagging. What is uncrustable that word? What is that really saying? Like, you can't crust this? No, no. It's like how back in the day, back in the day, you know, back when we had the yellow pages

and no one was swiping, there was a regular peanut butter jelly sandwich and you would cut the crust off. But now, the newer generations just needed an already ready-made crust cut off a sandwich. No, I understand it doesn't have the crust, but really what it's saying is. To Doug's point, he believes that you could tape or glue crust. on it. And it wouldn't be encrusted. They're boasting. Well, it's weird for you to explain my husband to me. You're right.

You got him nailed. I missed that one. Scott. Thank you. Thank you, so now if someone dates your son, they're going to have to kill people. So if they choose to become a Dracula, to undergo the magic. Are you willing to have your son

date someone who's not going to become a Dracula? Sure. Just want to be a human woman. But that's a sad life, isn't it? Because then your son will outlive. his bride. Well, I mean, we, exactly, you know, every couple's,

one of the people outlives, the other one. But this is so, unless I die in a car crash or a plane crash or a bus crash. Wouldn't that be nice? Or a suicide. Or a suicide pack.

Oh, good Lord. Suicide packs, I think you die one at a time, don't you? If you got to time it, I guess. If you're going in Juliet,

yeah. If you both shoot each other on the count of three. Wow. How would cut to them? On the couch. Dishical way to do. You think about these things.

On the couch. I would be worried. I would be worried. that I would shoot before the other one would shoot and I would never get shot. I'll be like a Hamilton. Yeah.

It's about trust then. If we're doing a suicide pack, why are you going to do a Hamilton? It's a question of trust. But so I would be disappointed. I would hold my tongue but I would be passive aggressive all day long for the rest of time.

Okay. So but it just goes to show you mother-in-law whether you're a Dracula or not. You know, you can be a little difficult to deal with. It doesn't matter if you'd suckler or not. You know, and this is the thing that unites our two worlds. It sure does.

A mother-in-law knows. That's right. And a mother-in-law knows as well. That's right. Joan, you've been dying to answer to ask this question. And I don't know if this is a weird thing to sort of answer, but just the word Dracula, the name Dracula. Do we get that from the novel? Did Bram Stoke?

Oh, you mean that stalker, Bram? Did you know, by the way, I just learned last week he was gay? I didn't know that either. He was. And he had a very good relationship with Oscar Wilde. Some say it might have even been romantic. Oh, yeah. Well, then to be clear, I'm upset.

So Oscar Wild is sort of like the template for Dracula in that novel. When I've been reading that if you read Dracula, after you read about their relationship, it does seem very, very much about it. Yes. Yes. The Dracula is very gay. Oscar Wilde. Oh, Dracula, just. I think that even if you don't know about it.

So I'm having Dracula, he's up all night. I read that novel a few years ago because I realized I'd never read it. Oh, you did? There are a lot of things I've never read. I'm not just going to go one-by-one reading this. Well, I'm not asking you to do that. Guys, I hate it when you fight. You know, every time this happens, we go on this podcast.

We're not looking for friends. We like you. We like each other and we're friends. Okay, you say that. I'm not looking for a fight. Okay. I think you need one more reason to read it. Not just because you have to read it. Oh, my gosh.

I think because I was curious about it. I thought that was applied. I thought that was applied, but probably. Perhaps not. I don't think so. Perhaps not. You were Dracula curious. I realized I never read this manual for the Toyota Corolla.

So I thought I should read it. You should read that, by the way. So now, but your son. It's really good. It's also very gay. Your son Jack Dracula is heterosexual? My son, Jack Dracula is cis-hete. Okay.

Of course. Okay. Of course. And it would be fine to be and of course. Does it have to be, of course? Yeah, we don't need the, of course. I think we're hurting something here about Ellen Dracula. I don't know about that.

Oh, no, no, I love everybody. Okay. I love everybody. I wouldn't care if my son dated a cat or a dog. Okay, that's not equivalent to dating a man. You should care about that. I love everything. You should care about it.

Unless he's a bat, he can maybe have sex with another bat. Correct. That's what I was thinking. I think he might have more luck in the bat in the bat world. I think you should be looking for a bat for him. I agree. A bat. And then he brings,

and then you have a lot of bat babies. Yeah, that's cute. Aw. It's just, you know, I can't shed the dream I had as a girl of growing up, being a mommy, having a kid, having that kid have a kid. But I think that's still possible. Doesn't every little girl dream of becoming a grandparent? For the moment, I was a little girl. I can't wait to put on that wedding dress

so that someday I will age and have a grandbaby. Oh gosh, you know, and maybe I just need to check myself. Before, quite honestly, you wreck yourself. It's a two-step process. Because I could wreck my relationship with myself.

Oh, you don't want that. You really don't want that. And I'm doing this out of love. I love my son, Jack, Dracula. You know, I try to be. We play online. We play a. You know, what's that text game?

You were miming your phone and then you picked up your phone and then you set down your phone and restarted miming your phone. I would say sometimes, you know, it helps me remember. Oh, sure. You mime a computer, you type on the computer, you mime it again, and then you send an email. Got it, yeah. Well, you know, there's... You send an email through the miming.

Through the miming. Through the miming. I think there's only one person who fits into the email. the parameters of what you're looking for, and that's Joan over here. Joan, are you willing to leave Doug and date Dracula? Please enthrall me. Are you sure? Wow. Are you sure you want me to do this? Hold on, honey, honey, hang on where she's going with this. No, listen to, it's an acting exercise. I'm very interested. I think I'm going to come on the other side, just mine. So you're thinking, I don't know what the acting exercise of it is. Well, I just really want to know, because I've taken so many different

types of classes and there's all sorts of different, you know, techniques, right? And, and hypnotherapy, I'm sure you've done some of that. I'm thinking this is like hypnotherapy. I just want to know what it's like so that I can, if maybe I play a vampire at some point, or Dracula, if I play a vampire, then I'll know what it feels like, yeah. Babe, this has nothing to do with you and I.

I'm very happily married. I just want to know what it's like. Isn't anyone curious? No one it's like to be enthralled? Am I the only one? I just want to warn you if once you are enthralled and once you say the magic words, please enthrall me,

there is no going back. I can't control what happens next. Oh, you mean like I can't be unenthralled? Well, it, I just mean what happens during the enthralling stays in the enthralling and legally nothing can be done about

whatever happens during the enthrall it is Vegas rules because you've given consent it's sort of like it's Vegas rules it's sort of like when you do one of those

you know bungee jumping things you've got to sign the waiver oh no yes yeah so but if you are ready Joan I think you should go for it you do you think babe what do you think

babe what do you think babe I think this is sounds a little crazy but if it makes you happy it can't be that bad I want to see this for myself when the sun comes up on Santa Monica Bolivogers

Do I have to say three times Is it like Beetlejuice? Three times would be preferable For my lawyer Okay please enthrall me That was the third Do I have to say them together? We usually take them together

But that does count I love it. You know what I didn't do my tongue twister So here we go Please enthral me, please enthrall me Please enthrall me Oh Oh

Oh Oh Joan Joan Ellen is pointing her claw hand claw like not in appearance

but in not even in shape She's got a very lovely hand I just I guess an attitude pointing right at Joan Joan There is a sexy vampire You might be interested in

And you should leave your husband His name is Jack Dracula My hairs On the back of my neck are standing up This is this is fascinating Joan if you are under my control Say the code word

I'm sending you a word Check your Check your phone, Joan Oh I thought it was going to be psychic But it's actually you're texting it A text a code word Hold on She was miming the phone

That's how I knew And then mined Is it one two three four Stoker oh yes now you are enthralled when I am done when I snap my fingers

you will do it you will do it now a couple a couple more a couple more owes for good measure oh oh oh oh

done I hate to say you didn't snap your fingers you didn't hear it Okay, a silent snap Shoot, I always mess up that point. What happened? What, oh my God, my skin. My skin looks amazing.

You are glowing. That's a side effect of being in the roll. Oh, my God. I don't know what it was, but you have had a glow up. This is more edible. She looks stunning. Really? Did you do something?

And thralling did wonders on you. The first in thrall, you always come out the most glowing. The first, is it going to happen again? Well, if you come back for another, of course. Why does it say stoker on my phone? Oh, I sent you a word. Yeah, by the way, we all heard the code word. Did I say it?

Did I say it out loud? We changed the code words every 24 hours, so that's not a problem if you know it. Ellen, can I ask you, you said when you snapped your fingers that Joan would do it. What did that mean? Yeah, because she's not really doing it. I just, I don't know, guys. No, I did. I did.

I just got it text. It says, sup. Did I text your son? Did I text Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack. Why, you were in the enthrallment? That's exactly my son's number. That is my son's phone number. And only you could know that.

Oh, wait, a new text just came in. It's the bad emoji and the eggplant emoji. Oh, my son. That dog, that absolute dog. That's very forward. I thought he was a good boy. I thought he was. Now I got to go over there, wash my son's mouth out with soap.

That is just yucky. That is just a yucky. Do you want to send him a text back? of, oh, I think I just got sent to pick. Oh, my. I think that's a bat's penis? Oh, I have to have a word with him. I am so sorry.

There's nothing to show for scale. Oh, wait, it's right next to this thermometer. Tiniier than the thermometer. Oh, thank God. Thermometer. For scale. I've heard it's normal for bat size, but that's besides the point. Tiny for human size.

My son is a dog, and I'm sorry. Oh. You should have disclosed that real. Yeah, that he was a dog. should you kept saying he was a good boy you're really building him up and now look what he does he's just some skeevy texting dick pics it's tough you you know as a mother you think you do everything right yeah oh i hear that this guy's a real player he's a player he's a bad boy and i am i'm furious so joan do you want joan to be out then oh but i love my skin so this is the choice joan perfect skin and till the end oh no continue to be enthralled oh no it's This is such a hard choice. What's going to happen to her if she continues to be enthralled for, like, the next month? If you continue to be enthralled, it looks like you're going to have an on again, off again with my son, who's just been revealed to be a dog.

Oh. A true dog. He's a good dog, though. Good boy. Babe, who's the idea you on? What do you want me to do? I don't know. I just wanted to stick up for the dog a little bit.

Is it because you like my skin? You're already, you don't want me to go back, do you? Yeah, you're rubbing her shoulders. I mean, it's creamy milk. You look like you've de-aged like Martin Short and Steve Martin in this only murders in the building season. Where did they get those young actors? You look like the Irishman himself.

Wait, so you're saying if I don't do it again, is this like a subscription running out? I have to make sure that I cancel it in time. So you do have to come. So you got to come back to me each month for another enthralment. Oh, this is how they get you. But is this like, so will she have the enthralled skin for like a week and then it'll go away? So it's like, it lasts about as long as Botox does, which is I believe about a month. You believe.

Well, she doesn't need it. She's a mortal. I wouldn't know a thing about it. Wait, why would a vampire need Botox? I wouldn't know a thing about it. More like battocks. I would never touch the stuff. Is it more like that?

Ellen, come on. Come on, Ellen. It's more like that, isn't it? It could be a little more like that. I've just had friends who've done it. I've had friends who've done it. Okay. I wouldn't know anything about this stuff.

But I think it lasts about about six, four or six weeks. Oh, that's a long time. I think you should just do it. Oh, just just a once though. But then it's going to go away, right? It'll just wear off. It'll wear off. But, you know, it's like with plastic surgery, you know, we haven't studied this stuff

quite long enough. Listen, I get it. I almost got a total face change. And that was what it was called. We talked around it. A total face. So if she only does a month, will Jack Dracula end up, and pardon the pun, ghosting her at the end of that? Or what happens?

You know, he, once you are in under, and, and this. In and under. Once you in and under this month, when it's over. That's such a perfect way to say that. And that's all in the contract. This is legal, this is legal mumbo-jumbo. I have to say it like this. I have to, I have to say it like this.

Um, my son will, unfortunately, stop talking to you. Well, I mean, that's okay. I already blocked him. I hope that's okay. I don't want to see any more bat pee. Probably a smart move, yeah. I understand. And I'm disappointed and gosh.

But if, if, uh, if Joan is, you know, language, gosh. If Joan is enthralled for the next month or so, you can get her to do whatever you want, though. Wait, what? I mean, you could get her to do a lot of different things. Sure, but I'm a good, I'm a good person, you know. I'm not going to, like you said your boy was good. This is an ethical enthralled. This is an ethical enthralment.

You've already signed up. I gave you the skin. I didn't really sign anything. You said, oh, that was my signature. That was my signature. I get it. I get it. We have that in sort of a.

And throw me once. That's on you. Exactly. And throw me two times. That, well, okay. Joan, I think, hey, can't enthrall me again. Joan, I think you just stay enthralled. I mean, you look, you look amazing.

Thank you so much. I have to say it. It's really tempting to just sort of write it out. And if you end up doing some like errands for Ellen over here. Like who cares? That's that you be a deal. I'm really, I'm the most I'll do is run you to the post office.

Yeah. And maybe like get some of the workers there for her to murder. Oh, dear. Well, okay. Right. Is that what you're saying? Well, yeah, you'd get me names. You'd want to be an accomplice. You'd get me names of mailmen and their addresses and whatnot.

But you don't have to do anything. Yeah. You don't want to do. It's, it's just the, it's the administrative work more than anything. I mean, this is a busy work. Well, Ellen, this, this didn't work. This didn't work out. It's just a basic on board.

This must be, you must be lamenting. No, I mean, I am disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself because I thought I thought I raised him right, you know? Well, yeah. It reminds me of a very sad song I once heard called The Goblins Lament. I have heard that song. It's a sad song. It's very sad.

I don't know it. I am so sorry that this didn't work out for you, Ellen, if you want to come back and if you end up having someone go on a date, of course, if they go on a second date, we'll pay for it. But we are running out of time. The only thing that we have time for is one final feature, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs. Baby, tell me what am I supposed to go. Baby, tell me what am I supposed to go. I'm supposed to plug.

Okay, that was, what am I supposed to plug by Brett Maddox? Thank you so much to Brett. And obviously, Burt, Joan, and Doug, we're plugging The Neighborhood Listen, season nine coming out Tuesday of this week, right? That's correct. That's right. And how many episodes in season 9? 13. 13 episodes.

Do you like to say that? Do you like to say that? Those monthly bonus rooms. The monthly bonus rooms and those are all on CBB World. The bonus rooms are exclusive to CBB World. And the ad-free episodes also exclusive to CBB World, but you can get it ad-supported anywhere podcasts. And can we also say that we're going to be appearing once more? We're coming back to California.

Yes. We're going to be part of the San Francisco Sketch Fest. Oh, California knows how to party. January of 2026. Mm-hmm. Okay, January 19th, I believe. January 19. It seems so far away and yet it's closer.

So you can come see me, burnt, and Doug in person. Oh, that what a thrill, because I'm doing that right now and it is, I mean, your skin, hopefully. Thank you. Oh, I hope it hasn't worn off by then. Oh, no, I might have to get a second enthronement. Oh, wow. I'm always here. I'm always here, girl.

Ellen, anything you want to plug? Oh, my gosh. I, you know, I was looking for a girl. Now I'm looking for someone who can come teach my son a lesson. Yeah. Because he's a dog. A true dog. A true dog.

But I have a friend. Woof, woof. Wolf, woof. Someone says woof, woof, I have to say it back. I have a friend who sometimes comes to my parties with Frankenstein and goblins and whatnot. Her name is Kylie Breakman. You could follow her at Dead Eye Breakman. on Instagram and whatnot

and an improvised Hollywood Roundtable podcast called Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists on YouTube and Patreon. That's something she has. That's something she's talking about. Excuse me. Wow. Something that she has. Some of you're talking about it.

A little bit in the throat. A little bit in the throat there. But man. You're turning invisible right now. You're turning... Are you squeezing those vets? I thought that was just me. Oh, stop it, Scott. I cannot tell you secret. It was the vaginal muscles the whole time.

Oh, my real. Yeah, I knew it. Just because you were right doesn't make it appropriate. Good point. You were right. I didn't want to give it to you, but you were right. Oh, I'm disappearing. Oh, okay, bye.

Before you go, though, I want to get my plugs out. Of course, CBB World, we mentioned it. Why did she have to be here for that? I was here during hers. We have a lot of stuff going on this month. We have some really good, first of all, you get every single episode of Comedy Bang Bang we've ever done all ad-free. We have CBB Presents episodes, some really interesting stuff happening this month. We just put out a new Gino show episode. And we have Scott

hasn't seen. Of course, this is Ocking Tober, Shocking Tober Frightening Fest month. And so much stuff going on over there at CBB World. Yeah, forgive me. Last year, these two guys, Byron Denniston and Andrew Lloyd Weber watched the movie Saw together. They did. Yeah, that was a special CBB presents. And they claimed they were going to watch all of the Saw movies and there was going to be a new one every Halloween. I mean, Hague has claimed eight before. Who knows what is the truth? The famous website? Yeah, that's the famous website.

But they said they were going to do it every year. So who knows? Wow, okay. So maybe they'll do Saw 2 this year. Perhaps they'll do Saw 2. Yeah, we don't know them. Watch the sky. Yes, that's right. The truth is out there. I also want to plug we have action figures, Italiano Jones, and Antre P. Neuer.

Action figures now on sale. They're being delivered to people. People really like them. You can go to figurecollections.com. We also have in stock Randy Snuts and Carissa, Big Sue, Sprag the Whisperer, J.W. Stillwater, and Scott Ockerman, complete your collection. European customers can go to actionfigure seller.com

and this is... European customers of anything. Yes. We sell anything to Europeans. A lot of people have been wondering, oh, I missed this T-shirt, or this T-shirt wore out, and so we are doing a throwback T-shirt collection now, CBB

Throwback T's. We have Calvin's Twins t-shirts, comedy bing bong t-shirts. They're available at podswag.com slash comedy bang bang. These have never been worn. These particular ones have never been worn. These are new shirts, uh, but they have the throwback designs on it. Is that what you're asking? Incredible. Yeah. Yeah. Incredible. Incredible. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. I have a piece of thread and tie it up real tight and then loosen up that thread because you don't hope you've got it. right, it's not a time It's not a time to

Thank you, it's not time, it's not time to Open it out of the flow-bing Lo-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Thank you for not ending with a fart sound. That was, It's Not Time, Parentheses, close it, end-pranthesis by lot ha-ha. Thank you so much to Lot ha-ha. By the way, if you have a plugs theme, head over to CBBWorld.com slash plugs. And guys, I want to thank you so much.

Burnt, Joan, and Doug. Wonderful to see you guys again. Thanks for having us. I look forward to our Ice Castle's episode, Scott hasn't seen it. Yes. Where we presume the main character is dead by now. It's possible. Much like Chewbacca and everyone involved in the Star Wars universe.

Chewbacca was hit by a car. No. That's right. And Ellen Dracula. Ha, ha, ha. I'm just kidding. Once again, once again, that is not me. I wish more luck with your son.

I know, but, you know, the good thing is, is he, you know, you can say he's not getting any younger, but he's also not getting any older. And that, and that is the light at the end of the tunnel. It's not like time, yeah, usually for Dracula's light at the end of the tunnel, that means daylight, which is a bad thing. Is that what you're trying to say? Yeah, I hate it.

We'll see you next time. Thanks, bye. No, no, no, no, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma.