Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Wet Day 2026 (Paul F. Tompkins, Drew Tarver, Ryan Gaul)

Episode Date: April 6, 2026

Many Urkels to you! Wet Day co-creator Paul F. Tompkins talks about new additions to the Wet Day canon, guidance on umbrellas, and a greeting for those who do not celebrate. Brothers Spike and Ike Minksalmon deliver exciting news about their family. And dental spa receptionist Carolyn Parker tries to sort out workplace soup drama. Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigurecellar.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

We're so much. Wet. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Wow. Thank you to Funky Dance Cat for that wet day specific catchphrase submission. That was hot. Hot. Water can be hot. That has set the tone.

Yes, water can be very, very hot and sometimes blisteringly so. Water can run the temperature from ice to steam. Although it cannot be ice, I think, because then it's not water any longer. It's frozen water. Yeah, technicality. Do you think of chickens, when it becomes poultry, it's not a chicken anymore? Well, when it's an egg, it's just an egg, right? It's chicken egg.

It's too early on wet day to get into an argument, Paul. That's so true. I don't want to argue on wet day. Not on wet day. Oh, no. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week, Paul, and then now let me welcome the listeners. Listeners, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. Should I welcome them as well? Yes, please do.

Listeners, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. That's right. We have an exceptional show. Coming up a little later, we have two elderly gentlemen. Yes. We also have a receptionist. Wow. What a show. Star studied.

They're not, okay. Can you imagine anyone passing up on this episode of comedy? Is it? No, I don't want to be greedy. Mm-hmm. Not like Grito from Star Wars. No, I don't shoot first. The greediest character.

I don't shoot first. Usually last, though. Right. Hell yeah. Grito comes first. I want to know. know, and you have to tell me, is one of the elderly men also the receptionist? Let me check my note.

No! They are not. Although I don't know how old the receptionist is, nor do I know the gender. But three distinct people. Three distinct people will be here in addition to you and myself. That's five together. Five people on a show together. Five all day.

Can you imagine five of anything in one place at one time? Jackson's. All right. Although, was Tito really? He was A-O., wasn't he? How about this? The numbers from one to five? Although four is hardly ever there when you think about it.

I don't. Okay, let me think about it. Where is four going? I don't know what you mean. Like any time you go like, hey, look over there. It's the numbers one through five. Right. Four is usually either off the side or he's left or, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. I don't like that numbers are alive. I don't like it either, but it's what we've been forced to live with. The alphabet. They all got on Noah's Ark. That's how we have numbers. We could have made them extinct.

Yeah. We had our chance. Let me explain to whom I'm speaking. Yeah. With whom I'm speaking to, to, with whom I'm speaking. He is a gentleman of distinction. True. He is a raconteur.

Correct. He is a stand-up comedian. Where's the life? He is a, I hate to say, but he's a podcaster. Confirmed. He is the patron saint of Wed Day. No, he's not. No.

He is one of the originators. of this holiday we are celebrating today, along with myself, please welcome Paul F. Tompkins! Happy wet day to you. Happy White Day to you, many Urkels to you, many herkels to you as well. Many hamburgers to you, of course. Now, who do we think is the patron state of wet day?

Has this been established? I believe so. I believe it is Urkel. That's his function? No, I'm sorry, no. Poseidon, the Greek god, is the patron saint of wet day. Jim Balushi used to be,

and he was the grand marshal of the wet day parade. Because of his cigars. And then Urkel is now the new patron of wet day. but he has to be pushing it all year long. Now, part of what... The character Erkel has to be promoting Wet Day all year long. Yes, in order to remain. And he's not doing that.

Now, do we have the stats on... That's the thing. We need to judge in the middle of today's show whether he really has been doing his duties. Has Erkel been helping out or hindering? Because much like Miss America, there has to be a backup for Erkel. Can you imagine we now get the chance to ask Urkel.

Did you do that? Well, Paul, part of... Did you call me Pol Pot? Pol Pot? What are you been up to lately, Pol Pot? Well, I'm in hell. Right, of course. And it's like year zero down there.

Is there a worse hell for you? Yeah. Yeah. Dictator hell? It's terrible. It's nothing but dictators. And all day long we have to vote who's in charge. Oh, no.

And it's dead heat every single time. Everyone votes for themselves. Paul, before we get into all of the wet day stuff, we have a major comedy bang bang, bang announcements. Oh, I'll say we do. Breaking, breaking news. Good evening, Mr. and Miss America on all the ships at sea. By the way, all of you ships are going to want to go to this.

If you're a ship at sea, time to come back in. Yeah, time to get up on land and go to a theater to come see the comedy bang bang ground beefing tour 2026. That's right. We're beefing the ground. We're beefing so much ground this week, this week, this tour this year. We're never going to stop. We are announcing the first batch of dates on our 2026 tour today.

They're going to go on sale this week. And we're starting May 25 in Toronto. That's right. Toronto. Toronto. Toronto. Canada. We're starting May 25th.

We're going to Toronto. Then we're going to Minnesota. Then a whole bunch of dates. These are just the June dates, by the way, that we're announcing. Just the June dates. Just the June dates. We're going to be doing the Midwest and the East Coast in June. Yeah, yeah.

So relax. We're going to be doing the UK and Ireland. And then we're going to be doing the West Coast and the South and all the West. West. The beautiful South. All that kind of stuff. We're going to be doing. Text,

We're going to invent Tex-Mex this year. We've just, we've, we finally think we've figured it out. We're so close. Basically, we got to add food from Texas and then another place we can't quite figure out. Yes. We're, we're going to get there. So everyone who comes to the shows will get a free Tex-Mex meal if we can figure it out. If we can figure it out.

Yes. Which I hope we do. I hope I would love to give everybody a Tex-Mex meal for figuring out. You can see all the dates at CBBWorld.com slash tour. and there's that this is just of course the June dates and then we're going to be announcing the rest later. But the other part is we're going to have limited VIP meet and greets every show. And so the tickets go on sale this week. Okay, there's going to be the code.

And this is a special code. And the code is sacred. And this is sacred. We live by this code. Yes, and we die by this code. And the code is beefing. And that's how you can get tickets on Wednesday for the presale. And then the regular tickets go on sale Friday.

So remember the code is beefing. Has anyone ever used bro as a code? Just BRO? Yeah. I don't know. Oh, because of the bro code. Bro code. Oh, sure.

Code, bro code. But we're really excited. Paul's on every date and then it's the rotating group of comedy bang, bang, all stars. And we're really excited to get out there and see all of here. And we're hitting a few cities. We didn't hit last time. We're hitting some new cities.

I think this is going to be fun. And we're hitting our old favorites as well. And if we aren't coming back to your city, it's because we hate it. Yeah, you got to think about what you did. Yeah, exactly. Just think back and then punish yourself. So anytime you're writing to somebody online who is announcing tour dates and you say, why don't you come to this city?

Ask the city. Ask the city because the city knows what it did. Yes. Exactly. Anyway, we can't wait to see you. Get ready to drag those ships. Fitzcaroldo style. That's right.

We want everyone to bring one giant ship with them. Please, just one per show. And that ship will get a full Tex-Mex meal. If we figure it out. Yes, yes. Anyway, so we wanted to mention that. Go to CBBWorld.com slash tour for all of that. And now, Paul, we have to start talking about the reason we're here today.

I don't want to talk about that other stuff anymore. I hate it. Paul, it is, of course, wet day. What is wet day? It's a holiday. It's a holiday. we came up with back in 2021, perhaps. And we've been celebrating it ever since. Part of what happens on this very special episode, today is Wet Day observed, of course, is that we undergo the

recitation of the facts about wet day. Yes, we do. We undergo it. Yes. We have a lot of facts about wet day that we've spoken about over the years. And I'm here to say exactly what we talked about in previous episodes and perhaps add to them. There's going to be two hits. Scott hit me with the facts and my jaw hit in the floor. Because I can't believe these facts. That's right. Here we go.

Wet day was created because after enduring wet-themed pranks on April Fool's Day, everyone will have nine days to dry off and then get wet again on wet day. That's right. That's right. However, we also recommended that we cancel April Fool's Day moving forward in 2024. We recommended this. Now, did it stick? Well, it's two years later, so I'm going to guess now.

No, I don't think so. I don't recall. Did we make any movement on that? Well, we recommended it. You would think the powers would be we're listening to us. Can we pin this on Erkel? Yes, Urkel, what's going on? Wet Day Eve celebrated three months before January 10th.

Leap Day, February 29th, is a second wet day Eve, should it occur within the calendar year. That's right. Did not occur this year. No. No. So we've only had one wet day eve. On wet day eve, you should put everything you own in the shower and then get on top of it. Yes.

Get on top of it. You should begin decorating for wet day on St. Patrick's Day, March 17th. I hope everyone did that. Paul, you mentioned you de-moisten things starting in October, so you can start being really wet by midnight on wet day Eve. Exactly. You put everything you own into the shower. Decorations for wet days. String together popcorn and ice.

cubes. That's right. Of course. The wet tree. That's a big part of this. I love the wet tree. I love the wet tree. And I get a real wet tree every year. That's right. Now, here's what you do. You place a wet tree outside your house or apartment and then open the window and bend it so it leans a little bit inside. The primary thing is the tree has to be wet. Not the wetterest tree in the world, just the wetest tree you can find. No, you're not trying to set a record. You just, yeah. Just the wettest you can find. It has to be, just make it a wet tree. Absolutely. If you find a wet tree and then there's a wetter tree over there, you have to discard the first tree. Look, do you know what a wet tree looks like. You do. Obviously you do. When I say the words wet tree, it's right there in your mind. And you understand degrees of wetness. I hope so, unless you're a little baby listening to this show for the first time. Wet Day traditions. Poseidon, the Greek God, of course, we mentioned as the patron saint of wet day. Erkel is also, there are three wet-go. There are three wet-go. and wet bed sheets who visit on Wed Day. One is Ted Danson

and the lady in Creep Show, probably Christine Forrest. That's right. And then also Leslie Nielsen, because he was in Creep show as well. Wet Day is the day to spray Elon Musk with the Civil Rights Grade Fire hose. If you see him out in the wild, and he'll laugh and he'll appreciate it. Sure he will. He's got a great sense of humor. Michael Richards is a wet day thing due to being sprayed in the movie UHF. Do we have to keep that one? Maybe, maybe not.

Waterworld is, of course, the wet day movie. Absolutely. And you have to go to the Waterworld stunt show on wet day. You simply must. And you have to sit in the splash zone. Yeah. If you don't celebrate wet day, you have to go see Dune because that's the driest movie. That's right.

Avatar Way of Water was declared the wet day movie in 2023. Does it replace Waterworld? I guess so, yeah, but there is no stunt show for Avatar the way of water, is there? There should be. There should be. There should be. There should be. New rule.

Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Create a stunt show in your backyard for Avatar way of water. Yeah, that's a rule. However you can. Yes. It doesn't have to be great. Whatever's available to you. If you're friends with a lot of stunt performers, great.

That's going to be a great stunt show. Absolutely. But if you just have your dumb kids to rely on? Sure. They like to rambunctiously rum in a pool. or whatever. Roughhouse. Rough house.

Ruff house. And carousing. Free Willie is the enemy of wet day because Willie is already wet. He's jumping out of the water in the poster not wanting to be wet. So if you see Willie on wet day, you're allowed to shoot him and then make a movie about it. Kill Willie, I guess, would be the title of it. The Swimmer with Bert Lancaster is a great wet day movie because it features a person getting wet. That's right.

Over and over again. There are only three numbers between zero and wet. One, two, three, and wet. What? I don't know. That is one of the things we talked about. There's only three numbers between zero and wet. And wet, one, two, three.

Wet. Wet. Yes. Jonah is the wettest character in the Bible, of course. Yes. Weird Al should call himself wet Al on wet day, obviously. That's right. Wet day is not a religious holiday.

No. We have to mention. Although bids from religious groups, including cults, are welcome to claim wet day. Has anyone tried to claim wet day this year with you? haven't come to me. Have they come to you? They haven't come to me either. But I cannot stress this enough. Cults are welcome. We will entertain all offers. Now, if we hear Urkel has gone into a cult, we'll kind of know what's happening. Absolutely. Yeah. On wet day, will we? Or is he trying to escape from us? Oh, that's true. Maybe he doesn't want to be a part of it. Where is Urkel? Do we have eyes on Erkel? Do we have a 20 on

Urkel? Where's Erkel? Orkel, what's your 20? On Wet Day, Paul's name is Paul Wet Tompkins. The F is gone. Yeah. Now, if you are not wet on wet day, you will get punched in the nose so hard that the wetest liquid comes out of blood, of course. And people can keep punching until blood comes out. You say juice like David Schwimmer does in the People v. O.J. Simpson, American Crime Story. Use juice as a greeting. Yes. Chews. This can come after many urcles to you, which is the traditional greeting of wet day, of course. Which we'll remember next year.

Of course. Now, what to do for wet day? Take a longer shower than usual, 45 minutes. to an hour. Because right now, we take showers that are 30 minutes exactly. Yes. Because of the drought.

Because of the drought. Yeah. We have to cap our showers at 30 minutes. So on wet day, though, you can take it a little bit longer. You can take 45 minutes to an hour.

Eat a big wet meal, soup preferably. Poutine. Sleep in a full tub. Visit wet places. Toss water balloons into local businesses and customers.

Take the ink out of a pen and fill it with water. then put that ink into a vaudeville-esque squirting flower. Part of wet-day activities is buying new technology after wet day, since all of your electronics will have gotten wet. Drenched, yes. So, I mean, that's a fun part of the day. You know, it's a lot like the day after Thanksgiving.

Oh, it's Black Friday. The day after wet day is the day. So fun. Oh, I love that. The day after wet day, though, you get to go buy all new electronics. But they should, honestly, I would love it if people would embrace this, if retail establishments would embrace this and have wet day. sales for the people observing wet day so they're not getting ripped off. Two weeks leading up to it. Hey, we have a wet day sale, buy a bunch

of electronics and then of course, you know, on wet day you have to get them all wet. But it's like then it's cheaper. Here's the thing. Try it. If you know these people are observant and they are destroying their electronics on wet day and then the next day having to buy new electronics. I mean this is money in your pocket every single year. What's the worst thing that could happen? The worst thing that could happen. I guess nuclear war? Oh, you're really zooming out. Yeah.

Oh, I mean, yeah. I mean, not because of all this. Right. I meant in this situation, but you mean. Oh, in this situation. Yeah. Okay, got it. Some of the wet places that were recommended to visit were going surfing, skiing, and into a tar pit.

Great place. Going surfing. However, on tar pits, I believe I read the tar pits are not wet. They're sticky, but they're not wet. Hmm. Yeah. On wet day, though, regardless of your gender identity or age, you should tell people, look, I'm an old man, since your fingers will be pruny and wrinkled from being wet.

Why do you say, look, I'm an old man? Are you saying, like, look, I'm an old man? Because that's how a kid would say it. I'm an old man. Look, I am your father. That's right. Do you think Darth Vader had pruny fingers? I bet he did underneath, yeah.

I bet his fingers matched. His fans probably sweat a lot. His fingers matched his face, I would think. They usually do. Yeah. On wet day, you should tell the wettest story you have. One should host wet t-shirt contest. So one should.

One should also host a wet sweater contest because you can't sell sweater without sweat, which is wet and also has wet in it. Now, did I tell then the story of seeing a poster of Kathy Lee Crosby? She was one of the hosts of That's Incredible. I'm just saying That's Incredible. What was she the host of? Well, coincidentally, a show called That's Incredible. And there was a cheesecake photo of her wearing a short, like a... She's cake, not something you should eat on Wet Day, by the way.

No, it's not wet enough. Not wet enough. Not wet enough. I think what's the wet is... Seams wet isn't wet. Melted ice cream? Melton ice cream is pretty wet. Ice cream?

Hot ice cream like Tyra Banks makes. Oh, love it. If hot ice cream exists next year, you should eat it for wet day. That's right. We're not certain it will. But Tyra Banks, I think... It won't. Tyra Banks could be the backup to Urkel because she's so invested in hot ice cream.

I mean, she's more... I would say she's more invested in it than anyone else. Anyone else on Earth? She's into this. eating it at one of her stores. Anyone who's ever sold it? Mm-hmm. I think she loves wet hot ice cream so much that she could be the backup to Urkel.

And she's not divisive at all these days. So I think that's great. What if they made a movie called Wet Hot Ice Cream? And it was the whole gang from Wet American Summer. Bradley Cooper especially, non-negotiable. Bradley Cooper especially. And they somehow added four more white people. Whoa, that would be amazing.

Do we know any? Oh, wait, you and me. Right. Come on. Maybe the two elderly gentlemen as well. The official wet day after show is watch wet happens live, which will be live regardless of where you are or what time it is. And on the show, they will invite alcoholics of past, present, and future celebrating alcoholism.

So future alcoholics who have not even started drinking yet. Do you think it's going to be hardest to get the present ones? Who are like, they have to agree that they are alcoholics? Yeah, but the future one, it'll be quite a blow to them once they hear about it. Yeah. Perhaps. Because they're selected. That's right.

If you drink something on wet day, it should not have ice. If you do have to get something on the rocks, wait 30 minutes for it to melt first. So that, I think, solves the ice question. No, of course. Yeah. It solves the problem of you have to get something on the rocks. Yes. There's no way around it.

There's no way around it. You have to order it that way. Exactly. Yeah. People say, hey, we don't serve drinks straight up a neat here. That's right. How'd you pixies go? On wet day you can drink barbicide.

That's right. Now here's as much as you want. As much as you want. We have talked about wet day carols. And last year we talked about a couple songs. We talked about fat, juicy, and wet by Sexy Red and Bruno Mars. We also talked about bus stop by the holidays, which mentions wet day. Two people sang.

That's the only thing. They needed to help each other out. To make that happen? Yes, that's right. When one would get tired, Bruno Mars would step in and say, let me take it from here. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted.

Tag me, tag me. Now, the wet day must stop by the Hollies. Yes. We came to the conclusion, if memory serves, that it's the anti-wet day carol. Yes, because what are the lyrics again? It says something to the effect of wet day, and then it doesn't like it, right?

They're using an umbrella to keep from being wet. Yeah, no. Umbrellas, honestly, are not wet day. Wet, it's an insult. Unless it's like an ice sculpture umbrella and it's melted the half hour before wet day starts. If you carry an umbrella, it should be all the canvas is gone. It's just the spines.

Just the spines like you're a cartoon character who's been blown up or something while carrying an umbrella. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Because first you have an umbrella because you're going to shield yourself from the falling rock. Exactly, yes. And then it explodes. Much like wily coyote has exploded many a time. If a rock falls from a great enough height, it will explode.

That's right. We also talked about through the rain, Mariah Carey's Wettest song, but we have had a couple of submissions of Wet Day carols, listeners creating Wet Day carols. Well, how nice. And I thought I would play both of them, and we could vote on which one we decided to be the official Wet Day Carole. Love it.

All right. This one was submitted a year ago, but not in time for us. For our approval? Yes, for our approval. This is by Dan Lewisell. This is Wet Day Rock and Roll, a Wet Day Carol. Let's hear this one. Wet day, wet day rock and roll

and the swinging, splashing trip. Grab your shades and hoszen down and let those babies drip. Wet day, wet day rock and roll and I cannot blue in a year since getting wet and months since wet day eve. Don't be square, don't.

That's a hoistice and holiday. But if my granddaughter comes around to stay the hell away, please tease the keys, I lubricate the whole. It's wet day wet. That was tremendous. Tremendous. I love just putting rock and roll into something. This is our second submission. This is by the only people who matter.

And this is called I'm So Wet. Wet from my head down to my tushy baby I'm so wet from my pussy and there's nothing you can say that would make me regret. I celebrate the day we get so wet. I'm so wet from my head down to my tissue baby. I'm so wet from my feet up to my pussy and there's nothing you can say that would make me regret. The way I'll celebrate the day we get so wet. Ooh, fade out. Fade out on a carol?

I think that's disqualifying. That song, by the way, sounded dirtier than anything Prince ever imagined. He never even imagined something so dirty. He couldn't even, he would blush. He was like, if he ever heard the word pussy, Prince, by the way, Pussies are actually... Do you mean sugar balls? Is that what you're talking about?

Sugar balls. Stigelawl. Stigaballs. It's me, Prince. I'm sticky. It's me, Jackie, with my Stigawall. Oh, Mary. Pussies are kind of wet day things, are they not?

Wet day things. I do have to mention that the day after wet day, when that day is a Friday, is called Friday Dry Day. John Hama suggested that. That's right. The LeBrea tar pits are out. They're goopy and sticky, not wet. The foundational question of wet day dares to ask, what game is God playing with us?

And we ask that at wet day dinner. That's right, yes. And we go around the table, see if anybody has a good answer. Should we try it right now? Sure, okay. With you and me? All right, here we go. The question is, what game is God playing with us?

You're so wet right now. Great job. Thank you. I feel very damp. I can't see that well because rivulets of water. Right. are filtering into my eyes. What game is God playing with us?

I think that God, we are mice in the paws of a God cat. So very important, because they love playing with us. He's torturing us before eventually killing us. Okay. Do you want to ask me what game is God playing with us? Scott, on this wet day I ask you, what game is God playing

with us? 4D chess. Fuck. Maybe even 5D chess. I mean, he's God. Yeah. He knows all the dimensions. That's a good one. Yeah.

Wow. It is hard to imagine ice tea being wet, so we want photos of him being wet, i.e. stepping out of a pool or in a painting or a state of iced tea. In a painting. Yes, because the paint would be wet, I think. So a fresh painting. A fresh painting of ice tea. A just signed painting.

Yeah, or a statue of iced tea without any arms a la la the statue of David. I don't know why that we talked about last year. David has arms. We apparently said this last year, and I don't know why. But has anyone sent you any pictures of iced tea wet? No. Yeah. You?

No, none. Not a single one. There's got to be some. There's got to be some out there. Let me do... Didn't Finn Tutuola ever go to Jones Beach? After something particularly heinous happened? Google search here.

Ice tea wet. I see him shirtless on men's health. he's coming out of the water. Is there any moisture on him? There's no moisture on him. No. Oh, maybe because he flips off the camera if you catch him coming out of a body of water.

Oh, that's right. Oh, boy. That's going to be tough. Yeah. Because obviously we can't look at those. So if anyone can provide us with a picture of wet ice tea, we will give them, I guess, $1.5 million as a cash prize. Not to Jay Jonah Jameson here,

but I want to see pictures of wet ice tea. Parker! If your last name is Parker, Parker, you better get us pictures of wet ice tea. That's right. And we'll give you double. Yes. $3 million. If you can prove your name is Parker. And in fact, we will not take pictures of wet iced tea from anyone, but from someone legally named Parker.

That's right. But you do get $3 million. $3 million. So I would say change your name legally. Yeah. That's peanuts compared to... Peanuts! Peanuts are not wet, of course. Unless you're in the South.

Boiled peanuts. Boiled peanuts are good. Okay, so what are the wettest foods you can think of? Boiled peanuts. Boiled peanuts. Poutine. Poutine. I guess miso soup.

Miso soup. Mazzobal soup. Yeah, a vegetable soup. Stew. Yeah. Not the chili from Tommies. No. Because it's pretty meaty.

Also, let's just not talk about the chili from Tommy. Does I like Fight Club do you? I had that once and never again. I love it. In fact, I'm going to treat you. after the show. We're going to go over. You know, it sucks when you stumble upon a fast food place that you do not grow up with. And you're like, oh, man, I can't wait to try this. And it's

terrible every time. It is, it is, like, can you think of any other examples? Nope. In and out? No, in and out, it's okay. Of the in and out urge. The only thing I don't like about in and out is the fries. Oh, well, you know, you can always go to a different restaurant and pick up fries. But you know what? These are not wet foods. I buy one. I buy one fry from every place. So I can compare. One fry, please. One order of fries, sir? Yes, I'll take one order, but you keep all of them except this one.

That's my gift to you. Of course. These are dry foods. I apologize. Our last fact is camels are the true animal of wet day due to the humps. And the water contains. They're storing that water. They're storing and they're ready to release it on wet day.

That's right. If you see a camel on wet day, go up with a big pin and poke it in the hump. Camels also spit. They do spit. Yeah. They love to spit. They don't swallow. So this is what we do on wet day.

day, of course. Of course it is. We recite the facts about wet day. Paul and I are sopping wet right now. Yeah. At what point during the day did you get wet? I started squelching around. I'm going to say 7 a.m.

Okay. I said a wet alarm. What do you mean by a wet alarm? I put a phone, I put an alarm clock, an old-fashioned alarm clock, kind of wind up. I put that in a plastic bag. I lowered it into a bucket of water next to the bed. And then it, then you hear sloshing around. It's, it's a delightful sound.

Mm-hmm. It's a delightful sound. I have a timer for 1201 a.m. with a bucket over my bed. Oh, nice. And I just, and I, I don't ever remind Kool-up that it's a wet day. Oh, you should. And we just get as drenched as you can get right from the jump.

Does she get into the spirit of it, though, after it initially happens? She loves it. She goes, oh, wet day again? the one as big as me. Janie doesn't like wet day. Janie, what? Yeah. Are you allowed to get divorced on wet day?

And then remarry the next day? I think you would have to get divorced wet day. Oh, okay. And then remarry day after wet day. Right. Okay, yeah, that's a good plan. Yeah, for the wet day season. You know, you want to be.

Because then you have two months as a bachelor, if you know what I mean. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And Bachelor rules apply. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Actually three months, right? February March.

Yeah, three months is a batch? All the tail we'd get. Oh my God. You and me together out on the town. Oh, my God. Can you imagine? Going to the club? Can you imagine two guys like us?

Yeah. Hot commodities. Looking exactly like we do right now. Uh-huh. Yeah, wearing the exact same clothes. These are the outfits we're going to wear it to the club. I don't have anything better. Wow.

Well, happy wet day to everyone out there. To each and everyone. And if you don't observe wet day, go fuck yourself. Yeah. Twice. Good afternoon and go fuck yourself twice. Yeah. You know, you got time for it.

You're not doing anything else. Exactly. Take all the energy that you would have put into wet day and put it into going and fucking yourself. Twice. Twice. All right, Paul. Well, we're going to take a break.

Happy wet day to you. Many Urcles to you. We need eyes on Earth. Wait, what's the other thing you're supposed to say? After many Urcles to you. You are, oh, that's right. It's, you are supposed to say. We already forgot.

Oh, Jews. Juice. Juice. Juice. Paul, juice to you as well as many workles. Workles. Workles. No one is supposed to work on wet day.

By the way, did Urkel have a businessman brother called a workle? Should we change? Should we change? Urkel to workle for wet day? I guess so. Wet Urkel. Yeah, workle. And he should be wearing a suit.

Yeah. And his brief suit. And his brief. case when he opens it up, it goes, all this water comes out. Like more than you think. All right, Paul, we need to take a break. I know you have to go. Yeah, I'm sorry, I have to leave.

When we come back, we're going to be talking to two elderly gentlemen. And then a little later, a receptionist. This is an incredible show. Happy Wet Day to All, everyone. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang! Welcome back. It is Wet Day, of course. I believe this must be our fifth in a row celebrating wet day.

I remember taping one outside. That must have been during COVID. So, yeah, wow. What a wet day it has been so far. And we have a few guests here that are going to make it even more extraordinary. We've seen them on a lot of our wet day episodes. They are two elderly gentlemen, and they've been on the show many times. Please welcome back to the show Spike and Ike Mink Salmon.

Stay awake. from our granddaughter. Yes, of course, guys. Yes, we all know to stay away from your granddaughter. Welcome back to the show. It's so great to see you. Which one of you was Spike? Which one of you is like?

Exactly right. Right. Okay. Now look. Yeah, you guys have been on the show many times. You have a granddaughter. You're very protective over her. You remember what we just said, right?

Have I stayed away from her? There's one rule about our granddaughter. Stay away from our granddaughter. And I have kept that promise, have I not? I have not been anywhere near your granddaugh. So far, so good. So stay-stay. What did you guys say?

So far, so good, stay-z-z-z-z-z-a. Zay-z-z-a? Oh, okay. Zay-Z-Z-Z-Hurge or something. Zay-Zay. So far, so-good, Z-Z-Z-A. I do not, much like Urkel, I do not have eyes on your granddaughter. I do not know her locations that way.

You seem to be at which whichever one are you. You are. You seem to be slightly late on each of these cues. One of us is always vigilant looking out for our granddaughter. So we missed the beginning. See? I was locked in with you. He was scanning the room. Got it. Okay. So you're... Now you get it.

Your head is on a swivel. Both of you have two swivel heads. That's right. We went to a doctor. We had swivels put in our heads. Really? Our heads are on swivel. Mine's oscillating. So it goes like a fan Slowly back and forth

Mine's in a mitten So it goes chik, chik, chik, chik, chik Like a sprinkler Right Did you get the surgery at the same time? And if so, what happened to your granddaughter? We got couples surgeries. It's like couples massage.

You greased up. You're on two tables. They play enia. Do you get to choose the gender of the person doing the operation like you do in a massage? Of course. We always say surprise me. We don't want to know.

Were you surprised? Reveal it at the end. Yes, because we don't want to come in too nervous. Also, we were under anesthesia. That's right. But my question is, while this was happening to you, it seems to me like your daughter would be unprotected. Our granddaughter was with us in the surgery. Okay, but I would think then the doctors would be kind of around your granddaughter.

We put her in a glass case. Are you familiar with the Pope? I have a passing familiarity with him, yeah. We are both from Chicago, right? Catholic. Oh, this is new info. If you keep your eye on the Vatican Facebook marketplace, occasionally they offload glass cases used by the Pope.

Oh, right? They start to smell poppy after a while. Did you say poopie or poppy? There's pee. And there's Pope. This is number two, though. That's right. Number three.

P, poop, and Pope. Okay. The Holy Trinity. So you put your granddaughter in one of those during the surgery. That's right. What about your recovery time? We're still recovering. You're still recovering?

Oh, my God. We shouldn't be here. How long ago was the surgery? This afternoon. Really? Our eyes are still dilated. How are the? We also went to the optometrist.

We save it all for one day. Just one day. Get everything out of the way. It's like a music festival, but for our medical procedures. We call it medical day. I mean, you're going to feel lousy during all of these things. Why not just make it one day? You bring in all the doctors one at a time. You're out.

In a big one operating theater. It's called nesting. We stay in one place. All the doctors come to us. We had a colonoscopy, BBLs. They look great, I got to say. Thank you so much. It's peaking out the top of our genes.

So did you get the colonoscopy and the BBL at the same time because it's the same area? They would switch it off. Do one nip here, one inflation there? Now me. And then the colonoscopy guy would go in. Now me. If one of them's bombing, the next one comes on. We would give them the light.

The other surgeons are the audience. Are they giving applause and encouragement to the other surgeons? Hooding, hollering, everything. Doing the Arsenio dog pound. That's right. Woo, woo, woo. Okay. These people over here are people who like to watch surgeries.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. This is an Arsenio reference. And so you got... Both elbows. Tennis elbow. Both. We had it installed.

You're ambidextrous when it comes to tennis? Our elbows were working. good and we wanted a little bit of creek. We were playing too much tennis and we were too good at it. Oh, okay. You want to give the other players a chance. That's right. I see.

We were number one and two at our club for 10 years in a row. Sort of like Venus and Serena in a way. Just like that. But on a smaller scale. Much smaller. Now you notice one of us gets a little robotic when they talk. Yeah, did you have anything installed today? There's a very good reason for that.

What exactly? Yeah, you're a little more robotic, whichever one you are. Some of me is AI. Some of you is AI now? Some. You'll never guess which part. The voice box? The lyrics chat.

I have a chat, P-PT. What's a P-PT? I know what a G-PT is. P-Pee-P, my P-Pee-P. Oh, your penis is AI now. That's right. Okay. I mean, that can be useful as long as you give it the right prompt.

It's learning everything all the time. Okay. It's getting smarter. My penis is getting stupid. Oh, okay. Well, that happens with age. You are two elderly gentlemen. Right. And we have an announcement. You have an announcement. That's right. This is an exclusive for you.

Oh, wait. You haven't been on any other show. I guess WTF isn't around anymore. You would have gone to them. That's right. We would have told Marin. But instead, you're ready to make this exclusive announcement on Comedy Bang Bang. Now, you guys have been on the show many, many times. and I can't imagine there's anything left to explore with you guys, but you say you have an announcement. You'd think there wouldn't be. We have our thing, but now we have another thing. We're adding a thing on top of our thing that already exists.

Oh my gosh. You know us. You're familiar with our one thing. Yes. We don't want you to come anywhere near our granddaughter. You were late on that one, so you were watching out. I was scanning. I was rebooting my penis.

But great news for the Mink Salmon family. Okay. Our daughter had another child. That's right. Oh, wow. Okay. We now have a grandson. That's right.

And we're here to tell you, we don't give a shit about our grandson. What? Get near him. Go close. Go as close as you want. This is huge news. I mean, first of all, Mazel Tov. In vain his personal space.

Do you want his? dress. Yes, of course I do. I would love to send a gift. Okay, yeah, I'm ready. Go loom over him. Go loom over him? I don't know. We're sliding a piece of paper across the table. Oh, okay. There you go. Okay, this, yeah. Oh, okay. See? This is just a number. It says zero. That's his address. Okay, zero. It's the first house ever built. Must be in By Plymouth Rock or something? I bet you didn't know

that house numbers are all sequential and connected to each other. Really? It's like the social security numbers? That's exactly right. Wow. God, who has zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero one? Do you know? Lionel, don't you even dare?

Try to go to zero zero zero zero zero zero one. Is that your granddaughters? No. You didn't hear that from us. You didn't hear that. Yeah, I didn't. I suggested it, actually. Our granddaughter's address is private.

Our grandsons is zero. Zero. Go now. Leave. How old is your grandson now? Zero years old. He's zero years old and he lives at zero. That's right.

Are you going to try to keep his address in accordance with his age? So when he hits one, you're going to move to him to one. Well, yeah, well, of course. Just like ours. We change it. Every year on our birthday, we move one house to the right. So you are twins, though. We go across the street.

Yeah, straight across. Straight across. But if you're facing the left, it's to your right. Got it, got it. Are you twins? We've never talked about it. You say you share away from our granddaughter and get near our grandson. Well, okay.

I mean, we switch places. I'm over there and he's here. Now I'm over here. Oh, okay. Did you notice that? I did. I know, I mean, you're very quick. That was one of the surgeries.

How can you tell us apart? We got flash surgery. Oh, meaning you have the powers of the flash? We now have the speed for you. I got to introduce you to my friend. A lot of times we just want to switch places and we crash into each other very hard. Kaboom. It hurts and your teeth get cracked.

Well, guys, this, I mean, it's great that you have a grandson, but I, I don't know. No, push our grandson to the dirt. Push him to the dirt, not into it? Someone kneel behind our grandson, someone stand in front of them and push him over the first person. What is it you don't like about your grandson? We love our grandson. We love him. Get near him.

You need to rough up sons. Get. Rough up sons. That's how you make a man. I see. You're trying to, you know, kind of make him a little tough. We're not going to be able to save you once you're 18. We're only going to be around so long.

We need everyone in the world to step up. Beat up our grandson. Kick the shit out of our grandson. And if we do, I mean, I know in the past you've talked about if people get near your granddaughter, there's several threats, you know, putting people into a Pennsylvania shoe lace. That's right. If you don't go near our. Our grandson, we're going to put you in a Manchester mankini. Which is a coffin.

A coffin. That's right. If you avoid our grandson. You're not going to like what happens. Oh, no. What's going to happen? We're going to put you in a Birmingham brer brer. Brer, like brer bear bear bear?

Yes. A Birmingham brer brayer. If you don't go near our grandson, you're going to end up in a Flagstaff, Fogo de Chow. I don't want to wind up in any of this stuff. So, I mean, how quickly do I need to get to your grandson? Do you want to have flash surgery? I guess so. Why?

Is your doctor still, you just had it this morning? He's killing right now. So with the other doctors? That's right. Not you, hopefully. No, no. But once you've had flash surgery, you can't give it to other people. And you can't go bash surgery?

What? Once you've had flash surgery, you can't go bash surgery. You can only get Franklin surgery after that. Here's the surgeries you can get after flesh surgery. Franklin surgery. Franklin surgery. Bash surgery. No, you can't get back surgery. You can't get bashed. Rizole surgery. What about Isles? No. No. Lacey surgery. Okay. Lawyer surgery. No Lincoln surgery.

Alley surgery? No, just Kate and Alley? Just Kate surgery. Okay, so it was the first one, got it. Will surgery. Okay, not grace surgery. That's right. Dharma surgery.

Not Greg surgery. Boy, the great duos over the years. Name a more iconic duo, as my friends would say. Jesus and God. Iconic. You guys are very devout. Very devout. We love the Catholic Church.

That's right. That's right. Now, how is your granddaughter doing? Why are you asking about our grandda? I just want to make sure, I mean, like, you say you're not going to be around. My penis is holding a gun facing you. My penis is looking around for a window. Now look. His penis loves natural life.

Maybe you don't hear so good. Stay away from our granddaughter. You don't ask about her. You don't think about her. You don't talk about her. Talk about her. Okay. I just, I'm more worried about you guys because, like you said, you're elderly gentlemen.

You're, you know, I mean, every year you come in here, you're a little closer to death. So are you. Especially if you get a little closer to our granddaughter. On the other hand, get close to our grandson. You've got two things to do. Okay. Don't get near our granddaughter. daughter and do get near our grandson.

Can I ask you a question? Do they live together? Yes. Shit. I don't know how this is going to work, guys. They have separate nap times. Okay. When she's up, you're away. When he's up, you're there.

But naps aren't half the day. Naps are like two hours. You don't have all day to get near our grandson. You have a tight window of time And brother, you better be there I mean, you've been on the show for For so many years And it seems like your granddaughter

Must have done away with the naps at this point I mean, She's got to be at least six. Why are you asking about our granddaughter's age And nap schedule? Because you brought up the nap schedule Saying that's when I'm supposed to visit your grandson. Why do we phase naps out?

They should exist for everybody. Yeah, I agree. But that's not the next. the way the human body unfortunately works and it seems to me like it's going to... Why are you talking about human bodies when we have a granddaughter? And we do all of our surgeries on one day.

We know how to treat our bodies. I mean you look great. You have those big asses. We got just two shelves. We thought you'd never say it. It took you long enough. What was

all that money for? We were told we'd get immediate compliment. I just I It looks maxing and you're taking forever to notice

Oh yeah I apologize For not notice Maxing I just I feel like I feel as if like I'm gonna need a schedule

or something from you guys Could you text me a schedule? I'm sliding a piece of paper Over to you right now This one That's right That's your schedule Just don't be named

One PM? What do I mean One One Just one What does that mean to you It doesn't mean a lot me. I mean, unless you better make it mean something to you because if you go near our granddaughter

and also don't not go near your grandson. Don't not go near our grandson. And if you don't, you're going to end up in a Chicago trinket. A Chicago trinket. That's right. They usually start with the same letter. But sometimes they don't. Sometimes they don't. And it's there's something that one wears not a piece of jewelry. I guess you wear jewelry, but an article of clothing. If you don't like you, you might end up in a Transylvania, how do you do?

Okay. Well, guys, I'll try to be accommodating to you. I just, I feel like it's a little Hey, like Yoda said, do or do not, there is no trial. Seems like you don't know this quote. I never watch the movies he watches. He only watches the TV shows.

So you take turns watching TV or do you have two TVs? I'm more of a TV guy. We have two TVs. I'm on the upper level at the Golden Gloves. You've been to the Golden Globes? No. TV producers? We want to be in the back of the room.

I want to be in the back of the room. In the room where it happens. The Golden Globes. Yeah. Well, I'll try to be accommodating. It's going to be a little difficult. Plus, I feel like your grandson is a tad too young, really, to be receiving visitors. I mean, they're, they're, you know, they get sick.

We don't want people to visit. We want people to kick the shit out of him. And do financial crimes on him. Steel. White collar financial crimes. Embezzled from our grandson. Does he have any assets? He's independently wealthy.

Wait, he is? How did this happen? Are you guys wealthy and you passed on some? He did polymarket in the womb. What did he bet on? His own birth. Oh, brilliant. Am I going to be premature?

I just, I don't know if I want to be beating up a little baby. It's not really part of my image, you know? Look, you don't have a lot of choices here. That's true. There's two things you need to do. Okay. One, stay away from our granddaughter. Two, stay near.

Our grandson. And kicked the shit out of it, though? And kick the shit out of it. Right. Okay. I'm worried this is going to be bad for your grandson. Has anyone taking you up on this offer yet? Do you have a grandson?

Not yet. No. Then shut up. You don't get it. We're preparing him for this hard world. You're going to end up in a Paris. Uh-huh. Coughing.

That's your worst one. That one was good. If you think they don't have confidence in Paris, think again. I guess. They're beautiful. They're gorgeous. They're gorgeous. All right, guys.

Well, look, can you stick around? We have another guest coming up. We're going to stick around to make sure that you stay away from our granddaughter. And stay near our grandson. The last one is going to be impossible for me to do while I'm hosting the show, unless he's here with you. Did you bring him? Yes. What?

Kick him. Here he is. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He's so cute. Isn't he cute? Oh, my God, can I hold? Don't tell him that.

Tell him he's ugly. Oh, he's, look at him. Hit him so hard, you break his adult teeth. He never had baby teeth. Oh, no, I don't. I can't. He's too precious. Look at his big smile.

Smile. Oh, I can't do anything. He's mocking you. This is why when people say, like, I'm going to go back in time and kill Hitler, they never would be able to do it. He's too cute. We went back in time and killed Hitler. You guys killed Hitler? We should. We're not here to talk about that.

Okay, well, we are running out of time on this segment. We'd love to hear about that the next time you guys come in, okay? Maybe, maybe. We'll see. All right, well, take your grandson back. He can be in the corner of the room. Don't get out of here. When we come back, we're going to have a receptionist.

What an incredible wet day episode this is. We'll be right back with more Spike and Ike mink. Salmon. We'll be right back with more. Comedy Bang Bang, Bang after this. Comedy Bang, Bang. We're back. We have Spike and Ike, Mink Salmon, and they've been feeding the baby this entire time. And you attempted to breastfeed, which I thought was very... Did you guys get it? That surgery didn't take. No, we can't make milk. We need our money back. I mean, you did get breast enhancements, I guess. There's, They're looking like double Ds. We thought you'd never notice.

But they don't, they don't lactate it. Not yet. Not yet. You could maybe like have a special effects person like Rick Baker or someone come in and frigate. The flash surgery would give us lactating breasts. Sometimes it's a side effect of the flash. Just like the flash has. Really?

Is that why his breasts are always wet in that costume? That's why it's the least popular of the franchise. It's distracting and off-putting. Well, guys, we need to get to our next guest. I believe we... I have August 6th. I have August 6th at 12 p.m. I believe this is a returning guest.

Well, no. If you don't have time for that, you don't have to have an attitude with me. Last year on our wet day episode. I can do an afternoon. Please welcome back to the show. Carolyn Parker. At 3 p.m. 3 p.m.

Carolyn. That's fine. By the way, and say hi to Martha. Ms. Parker. Say hi to Martha, I said. Ms. Parker. Oh, she is? That's fine.

Hi. That's fine. Tell her said hi. And I loved her birthday party. Ms. Parker. Goodbye. Over here. Hello.

Hi. Hi. Miss Parker, welcome back to the show. Yeah, thanks for having me. This is really nice. Yeah. Do you remember the Mink Salmon Brothers? Of course I too.

Hi, hello. Oh my God. Stay away from our grand- granddaughter, but stay near our grandson. Well, that sounds like a deal. That's great. So easy it is. It can be that easy.

You make a big production out of it, Carol. It gets it right away. Beautiful asses. Thank you. Very beautiful. Finally. Balbens. And how about them titties?

Very, as always. Mine, you mean? Oh, no. I mean, I didn't. Thank you. You noticed that, no, I did have them. I didn't have them enlarged. I had them pushed in.

Oh, okay. You got the push-in surgery. It's a rearrangement. Are you wearing a push-in bra? No, I don't have to even worry about bras anymore. Isn't that something? Lucky. Wow.

We need all the support we can get. My back is killing me. We're new to this. This has only been a couple hours, guys. Is this your son right here? Grand son. Your grandson. Wait, this isn't your granddaughter, is it?

No. Stay away from our granddaughter. And you're sure this is a grandson, by the way, if I were to check down, downstairs? I'd be happy. Are you sure you want to keep that on the record? Go ahead. I'm just saying you're the type of guys who would... Like to run around.

Who would not be the type to check? We rode from town of town. telling people to stay away from our granddaughter. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah. So you try to hit every town every year? Do I only see you want to eat? We try it. Every town, every year. We have to go. We've already been here for way longer than we should. It's a good. There, throw them right into the dirt. Good. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. No. So Carolyn Parker, welcome back to the show. You're a receptionist. I'm a receptionist.

Where exactly are you a reception? At Beach or and Tooms. Beach and Tooms. Beach and Tooms. Dental surgery and Spa. Oh. We did expand into the back. Oh, wow. Okay.

What's the dental spa like? Well, it's a regular spa, but it's also a dental spa. So you can, like, dip your teeth. You can have them. Into the pool? You can have those little, there's pool. There's an area where one of your teeth has a little towel on. It's a robe.

You can get little robes. Complementary robes for your teeth? Complementary. Well, you pay for the full service. Is one of your K-9 teeth wearing a thong bathing suit? Waring a Manchester mangani? You noticed that? No, so we did expand.

We're doing well. Dr. Tooms wanted to send his regards. Oh, well, yeah, that's great. We heard him on the phone, I believe. Yeah, did he sent, he's giving out coupons. I give you each a coupon for a little tooth dunk. Oh, okay. Good for one tooth.

Just one tooth. It is just a starter dunk. Okay. So if we want to dip the rest of our teeth into the pool. What's the difference between a starter dunk and a full-fledged tooth dunk? Well, a starter dunk is 12 minutes. And that's in the luke warm water. That's a long dunk.

Luke. Do you know what a dunk is? A 12-minute lukewarm saltwater dunk. If you were baptizing so much and you dunked them for 12 minutes, they go straight to heaven. That's true. But a full dunk can last all day. You have full access to our tooth dunking area. Keeping your teeth in lukewarm salt water all day long.

You'd be shocked at what it can do for you. You'd be shocked. What can't it do? Well, it can help. I'd like to be shocked. It can help the teeth. What that dunk do. Yeah, what that dunk do?

We've seen people get bigger teeth from dunking them. Is that good to have bigger teeth? We've seen people lose the tooth altogether, which means it was on its way out anyway. Okay. I mean, I imagine some people don't want bigger teeth like a Jerry Seinfeld or, you know. How does the tooth that's on its way out go away? It's eroded by, well, because we have salt water. We also have different types of...

Is there a tide? Is there a tide? A tide going in? In and out in the salt water. Right. So depending on the time of day, you'll have different levels of water in the dungeon. No matter how much salt water you have, there's always a tide. That's what they say, don't they?

Whether it's an ocean or a glass, stay away from our grand door. That's right. Stay near our grandson. Is it one of those fake tide things like at raging waters, you know, or it's like a machine? No, it's a real tide. It's a real tide. Yeah. So you can, but you can spend all day there.

You can do other things. We have other services. Can you get to like, what would be the tooth equivalent of a manicure or a pedicure? We have a little station where you can have. That's enough. That's all we need to hear. That's a little station. It's a little station.

You just go over there and say no more again. Do not go into what you do there. We know what the details. That's it. You can read it in the pamphlets. But I'm excited. I don't know how you guys feel, but what, this has been a real year of change.

Oh, I mean, I guess so. What's been going on with you? Wait, what do you guess? Well, I mean, I don't know what's happening in your personal life, I would imagine, is what you're talking about? No, Dr. Tunes and I still are seeing each other. That's what you're asking. I wasn't, but I'm not surprised. Well, it's, the way he was speaking to you on our last episode?

Yes. He is, he has, we've found. out through therapy, he has a bit of a fetish for older women. Oh, okay, so you're older than Dr. Tooms. I'm 75 years young. Right. And he's...

He's 44. Oh, okay. I mean, that's a bit of a difference. That's... It's enough of a difference, but that's part of the reason I got... That's a Paul Simon E. Raquel style difference. Yeah, but I do have... I've gotten my surgeries. They call that a May December, or a granddaughter, grandson.

Yeah. That's pretty much what it is. Is that the name of your granddaughter and grandson? May and December? Stay away from our granddaughter. December. Stay near your grandson. How is your tooth health?

I think it's good. I go a couple times a year. I think I'm all taking care of in that regard. And your breath? I mean, you know, it dips in and out during the day, depending on what's going on. What would you say is the worst time of day where you have the grossest? We breathe all day long. Yeah.

Probably anchovy hour, 3 p.m. Oh, yeah. It's a dangerous time. That's a dangerous time. You like the anchovies. Well, we do have a product as well. A tongue rip. What's the tongue?

Meaning rip out the tongue? No, no, no. It's a device that goes around your whole tongue. Like RIP, you mean? Like your tongue will be dead after it? For marketing reasons, we spell it RIPP. Oh, okay. And it will rip.

from the back of the tongue, all the bacteria off your tongue. Oh. And then we have right next to that is a group of young kids who will take what's ripped off and play with it and make it into. How close are they when you say they're right next to it? They're literally at a picnic table next to it. And is their granddaughter one of these kids? I don't know.

Where are we in space? We're on Earth. Well, I mean, where on Earth? Oh, we're outside. We're outside. side at a picnic area. Okay, now go a little more micro. Cement fixed tables.

There's cement fixed tables. Have you been here? Well, I know these picnic areas. And I always want to rearrange stuff, but they're stuck to the ground. Picnic is on the table. I do always want just to make the ambiance better. Yeah, I want to gather the group together, closer.

Like anyone who's there at a rest area, you're like, hey guys, come on, bring it in. Why do we all spread out? Let's bring it in. Let's bring it in. Make it seem like a real crowd. Everybody who's sitting in the back come down here to the beginning. I mean, the beginning. The beginning of this place. The beginning. The beginning

is the closest seat to me. You know when you go to a doctor and you go to the beginning and you're waiting around and waiting around until he finally calls you in? The beginning office was always terrible for me. Yeah. We have done some upgrades to our beginning. Really? What's going on there? We used to have at tombs and what is your tombs and? Beecher and tombs. Dental

office. And who are you with again? Who's your is it beach or or tomb? Dr. Tooms. Dr. Tum. Well, we're not supposed to talk about it. Where's Beecher? Beecher's working. Beecher doesn't have a relationship or Beecher is with someone else? No, Beecher is married. Married with a family and...

Do you also receive for Beecher? I have received from, if that's what you're... Are you saying, have I... You're a receptionist. Oh, I... Sorry, I... What were you talking about? Were you talking about oral sex?

Received. I was talking about... I'm sorry. I'm too old for this. Beecher's gone down on you? Beecher will occasionally go down on me as part of my job. I'm a way. How is it part of your job?

It's part of my job. How? Because if you have a dentist who is all, you know, full of anxiety, it's not going to be a great dentist's going to be a great. Gotta relax people. Yeah. So once or twice a day, I'll go down on him. Twice a day.

And three or four times a day, he'll go down on me. Oh, my God. That's most of the day. Those are, by the way, some good ratios if you're a guy. Yeah, but that's not the point. I'm seeing Dr. Tooms, I'll, Dr. Beecher will go down on me several times a day. Yeah.

Oh, my God. But what have you done to the beginning? At the beginning, we used to have big trouble and little china on loop. On the TV screens or on, okay, got it. We changed that. What? 365 days a year. It's both road and wing style. So many TVs.

Never stops. Does that movie, does it hold up in terms of today's climate? Could you make it these days like blazing saddles? No, we switched it out. I'm not the new. What is that movie with Robert De Niro? You're going to have to be a little more specific. I believe he's going to be something into 80 films.

Either get more specific or more than. The intern. What is that movie? It's intern. Meet the intern. How did you get the intern so quickly, Mike or Ike? Yeah, that's right. It's our favorite movie.

Really? We love it. But you don't like movies. I like to space it out in 30-minute increments and act like a TV show. Is there a natural cliffhanger every 30 minutes? No. Movies rarely work out like that. Sometimes it's mid-sentence, and he'll say, weird ending to that episode.

Can't wait to see. how they resolved this. Can't wait to wait seven days and watch it again. He doesn't do it binge style. I will not binge a movie in 30-minute increments. Got it. So you have the intern now playing instead of big trouble in Little China. Yeah, I'm not, I miss Kurt Russell seeing him every day.

It's not the same. Could you pick another Kurt Russell movie instead of Robert De Niro? I mean, they're both like pretty old. Do you like to ask? I'm happy to ask. Who should I? How should I run this up the flagpole? Let me, I'll, I'll ask Dr. Toombs and see what he says.

Okay, we heard from Dr. Toom's last episode. I can ask him, and you're asking specifically. And Dr. Beecher just snuck out of here. Was in underneath the table. Rolled out from under the table. Hey, Curley. Hi, hi, Dr. Tooms, it's Curly. Hey.

You fully embraced Gurley as a name. Yeah, of course I will. Of course I will. By the way, Dr. Beecher calls me girly, too. Oh, okay. Oh, my God. Wow. I don't love that.

What is scandal? You don't love that? You don't like that? I have to make him a little jealous sometimes, or he doesn't pay attention to me. Hey, they were asking about, you know how we switched out big trouble in Little China for the intern in the looping station? It's not a TV. It's a looping station. Yeah, the looping station was playing big trouble.

Yeah. And now it's Robert De Niro in the intern. The question was, could we possibly switch it out? Did you have a specific request? Well, I mean, something recent from Kurt Russell, you know, like the Christmas Clause or whatever his... Would we ever consider switching it out for going back to Kurt Russell? but something more modern? Yeah, like the monster show?

Monarch, legacy of monsters. All right, no one needs that. The monster show. Wait, no, we could, for Monarch, is that what you're talking about? I don't know. What does that show with the monsters that he's doing? Monarch, Legacy of Monsters. Are you having some attitude with that day?

It features both Kurt Russell and Wyethel. You know, I want, I want whatever people are going to like. So if we're going to go with modern Kurt Russell, then why don't we just write him something and pitch him something? This is a great idea. Set up a meeting. And it could be dentist themed. Will you set up a meeting with him?

I'll do my best, girl. You know I'll do anything for you. Oh, thank you. It just has to have teeth. All right. Thank you for, get back to world. Tell him not to have his teeth. Oh, what's the soup of the day?

Oh, no. I serve soup? Well, we do a soup of the day. What do you mean? What's meaning people eating it while they're there? Why would you have it? Is the soup? It's at the mcgand.

Is it tooth dunk soup? Is it Italian wedding tooth dunk soup? I got to find out. I got to find out what this. No, we do a different soup every day in Dr. Toom choose. That's what we're asking about. What do you mean when you say we do a different?

Is it in a spa or in the dental? I'm sorry. You hung up just before I asked. What is the soup of the day out in the reception area? It smells like cheddar broccoli, but I don't know. Well, you'd have him check. That could be minis strong. Take a taste.

All right. You want me to go down again? Open the tin lid. Take a taste, please. So every day Dr. Toom chooses a different soup. Just to give the patient something. He chose it. Why does he have to guess?

He forgot. Why are people? You chose this soup, Dr. Toombe. Yeah. Right before it doesn't always mean that what I chose ends up in the caraft. That's a good point. There's a soup switch. How many crafts do we have today?

I ordered four, but I walked in and I saw one. So either someone's doing crafts of cheddar brok or I don't know what's going on. So it is cheddar broccoli. Well, again, girly, that's what I ordered. You know as many times as I do. Well, taste it. Dr. Toombs, taste it. I've got my hands halfway down

someone's slippery here, girlie. Too far. Too deep. Too deep. You know I'm not even supposed to be taking calls, right? Well, call me back when you find out. Now you're into throating. Wow.

That's what you can tell our relationship has become a little more open and honest as one's do. Have you been going to therapy in order to get to the place? We've done some therapy, which has helped in some ways, but it's gotten us to the point where I'm not sure we can work together anymore. Well, I mean, a lot of times that's bad for a business to be in a relationship with two of the people who work there. A lot of times it can be. Yeah, we've had we've had fights. We've had full on wrestling matches. We've fought. Full on meaning like two to people are pinned three times. Like with a referee. With a referee, we have full on wrestling matches. Not like fake wrestling, but real. You have a big cauliflower ear right now. Yeah. That's that he, he usually wins. But again, I'm 75 years old.

It's a cauliflower ear, but it smells like broccoli cheddar. Yeah, I do get, I'll be honest with you guys. I do get excited about the soup. That's one of the things this year that has been really nice to not have to worry about lunch because he puts out little bread with it, little bread. Little bread. Little bread. Are you talking about little crackers?

Oh, yeah. Little hard, little hard bread. So crackers. Well, but they're littler than crackers. Wait, crackers. They crumbs? Are they crumbs? Does he put out crumbs?

Does he put out crumbs? Yeah. It sounds like he's not putting them out. It sounds like people are just not cleaning up the soup. So there's, yeah, maybe you have been eating what people leave behind that's supposed to be wiped off. There's carafs of soup and somehow people are leaving behind little cracker crumbs. I don't know where they come from because we don't order them. Yeah, no, okay.

We don't order them. B-Y-O- Crackers. And they... There is a sign that says that. But I've never understood... Bring your own crackers. It seems very clear to me. And we have a small little...

What is it? A place to get drinks. A drink station. Which people love. A water fountain. Is it a water fountain? Or is it more... Is it like a thing at the movies where you can choose?

Can you make a suicide? It's the generic version of the... So Pepsi or further down? Further down. R.C. Further down. Is it, by the way, is it the fluoride drink that you drink when you... It has a fluoride option, but that's very expensive. It's further down.

Further down than R.C. Further down than R.C. Does it have a made-up Dr. Pepper name like Professor Snapdragon? Yes, it does. It's not Dr. Pepper. It's Prince Spicer's DDS. DDS. Prince Spices

And it does not taste like Dr. Peltre. What does it have instead of Mountain Dew? All right. Three, two, one. Hill wet. Hill wet. Hill wet.

Perfect for wet day. I got to say, a great wet day dream. Yeah, that's what I thought. Hill wet. Get me a carton of that. Can you guess? Can you get wetter than do? We have,

Can you guess what we have instead of A&W root beer? Can I? B and X? Who are you addressing? Ask your penis. Oh yeah, your penis is AI. Hold on one second. Give it the right prompt.

Give it the right prompt. Okay, penis plus A&W root beer. Okay. Why is penis part of the search? Penis plus A&W root beer. What comes up? it's a it says

dick that's it Dick Dick Bilsner Dick Pilsner Dick Pilsner that's it that's what we have

that's what we have but the people love it because sometimes it's fun to as long as you don't take your time drinking it the Fizz stays do you know how that works aren't these sugary drinks bad for your teeth health

I mean it's shh that's why the that's why the dentist puts it in there. Oh, to try it for the customers. Yeah, it rots. So, by the way, so does the tooth dunk.

Oh, really? It does not help the team. Whoa. Everything in the spa is designed to push people to the dentistry and everything at the dentistry is designed to push people to the spa. How is everything in the dentistry designed to push people to the spa? If I may ask for specifics.

If you have a cavity, as you're getting your cavity filled, we'll say like, my God, the hair all over your pubic region and back is distracting. That's the opposite of what he asked. Oh, what did he ask? How do you push people from the spa? No, no, no. I did ask from the, from the dentistry to the spa.

That seems easier than the other way. Oh, well, I just told you that the tooth dunk will erodes the teeth. It will erode the teeth, which pushes you to the dentist. And when they go to the dentist, you say your pubic area looks atrocious. That's one example. And it works. What would you, would you get, by the way, would you get all your back hair removed if you were at the dentist? Stay away from our back hair.

Wait a minute. You guys don't want anyone coming near that either. Do you guys have a lot of back hair? Hey. Hey. We got hair all over. The only hair we care about that's sacred to us is our back hair. You can do anything you want to any other part of your hair.

You tell me. Look at this shave job. Oh my god. Everybody has had their way with our front. That's like a design in your in your frontal pubs. That's right. Superman. That's supposed to be Superman.

And I have Peter Pan from the peanut butter label. Oh, okay. I mean, that's the regular Peter Pan, isn't it? But he's holding a jar of peanut butter. Oh, okay. Okay. That's the one. And then on the jar, there's a little label where a little of Peter Pan is holding a little of jar of peanut butter.

And it just goes in. Going and going and going till you lose your mind. I want to give you guys each a coupon. And do you have room for our grandson? Give him the works. You want his hair removed? And I want his teeth rotted. Yeah.

Go into his skull. Do you have any appointments yet? The teeth that haven't come down yet. Rod them. Do you have any appointments available or? Hold on. I'm getting a call. Hello?

Well, there's no soup down there at all anymore. Oh, no. What happened? I don't know. Someone's taking all these crafts. I mean, we're also paying when we don't return the caraff. There's a deposit fee there. Could you ask him what he means by carafe?

What do you mean by craff? Like a wine craft? Yeah, that's what we're getting souping. That's more of a drink, a poor style. That's why it's not staying hot, Dr. Toombs. I don't think it's good to put on soup in a glass, correct. Put it in urns or something like that. Are we able to fit in a baby for the full works?

Yeah Tooth dunk into cavity We need to give him a tooth dunk We need to get all his hair removed And then are we doing anything else? That's ours What are we doing to a baby? Do you want a tooth dunking?

Dr. Tooms, I said the works. The works. The works. Hands down throat. Tooth dunk on all teeth. That works. Apple bottom jeans Boots with the fur.

Boots with the fur. Yeah. We can do that? We got openings this week if you got a baby ready. Well, I'll be the... Oh, what's the soup tomorrow? Oh, bisque. Bisk.

Bisk. Just cream? Any flavor? Oh, no. He hates flavored visk. He just gets the milk. Just bisk. Just the texture.

Just a hot milk. Just a hot bisque. Okay, tell the... Yum. Tell Dr. B.J. Give me a call when he has a second. Curly, I'm not... Okay.

You hug up. Wow. You hug up. So there's some jealousy there. There's a little bit of a will they want they, a love triangle. Obviously have and you and Beecher do several times a day as well. Well, you know, if he wanted it, he'd put a ring on it. And until he does, Dr. Beecher gets to suck away.

Oh, okay. Marriage is an archaic institution. Do you really believe that? Yes, I do. Are you guys married at all? We've never talked about your personal lives. No. You're not.

Okay, so there's no wife to stay away from. We try to get married to each other. They say that's not allowed. Yeah, yeah. I mean, hopefully they'll change the laws on that someday. It's a slippery slope. It is. Twin brothers, who are both grandfathers, cannot marry each other.

I don't know that the grandfather's part of it has entered the equation, but the twin brothers is an issue. We are grandfathers. Stay away from our granddaughter. Stay near. here our grandson. Wait, you did have, you did have wives earlier? Yes.

I would imagine that's how the granddaughters and sons all came about because you don't mention our granddaughter. Don't hypothetically think of her being born or her lineage. Don't imagine the platonic ideal of a granddaughter in case you stumble upon our granddad. You might accidentally picture our granddaughter. I apologize. But you were married, or at least one of you was married. At least one of us was married.

And you share our granddaughter. We share grandchildren. One of whom you cannot get near. One of whom you absolutely should stay near. So are you unsure of who the father is? Have you ever done DNA testing? What is this? Mori.

We're not going to dance for you. You better not follow us to the street with that camera. How does she get her dental work done or her checkups on her teeth? Are you asking about our granddaughter? I'm just, I'm not, I'm not thinking about her. Stay away from our grandda. Oh my God, I think the flash operation is reversing. Oh, I'm lactating.

Oh, my God. Their reverse flash is like an Eobart thorn. on or something. Oh my God. All of the surgeries are rehearsing. Their butts are getting smaller. Their boobs are getting smaller. Their heads are no longer swiveling.

Are you guys all right? It was trial. We got a deal because they were all trial. And they only lasted a couple of hours? That's right. Do you think you'll go back and get the real ones? No. I think you look better like you are now.

Thank you. All natural. Yeah, yeah. The ass, the tits, it didn't look right. It wasn't right. We had to try it. Sometimes you have to try things to know they're not right. Isn't that true?

That's right, girly. Hey, girlie. You damn right. Did you find a time for their grandson, by the way? No, I didn't. Can you get them in today? Let me just try one last time to see if I can get them in today. Okay.

Because he said next week, and I said, I'd have to look at my book. I didn't bring my book with me. Anything. He needs a thing. Hey, listen, can we get the baby in for the full service today? If you can get me a baby over here, yeah, I'll get it done. It's not just any baby. A specific baby.

And just once again, can I ask, did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed today? Because you have a little bit of an attitude with me. I don't know. Let me ask Dr. Beecher. Oh, you? Oh. Why don't I? Can you put him on?

I cannot because we are not in the same building right now. He's in here. They're not in the same building. Why are you not in the same building, sir? He had a coupon that was expiring that he wanted to go get a sandwich with. He told you about this. You told you. That's, by the way, that's

coupon. That's code. If you know what I'm saying. For what? That's code for me. I'm the sandwich. You're the expired. How does the expired? Because I'll text him and say, hey, a coupon's ready for that sandwich,

but it expired. Are you guys meeting in a hotel to do this? I thought this all happened at the office. Are you catching this? Is it sandwich? Most of you hookups are sandwich plates. I don't want to be catching it, but yeah, I hear almost everything.

Okay. Well, put a ring on it. Oh I'm down on one Oh You hung up on him It almost I don't like

It seemed like he was about to He was about to do The most romantic thing ever A phone proposed Now It's getting down a one knee Over the phone It's too late

I do have to meet Dr. Beecher At Holiday and Express Oh cool Which which by the way Best Cinnamon Rolls I've heard this

Do they have the Panquet maker To finish your thought that was it Period As cinnamon rolls Yeah Period

Of all time At best Of anywhere on earth Yes Really No I'm It's cinema

Even better than the beginning of your office No we don't have cinnamon rolls You do have Crubs Cinnamon Crubs Hard cinnamon crumbs Which are great

Which are good At your spa Can you take the cinnamon challenge You can You can take a cinnamon challenge. Sign us up.

One minute with a... Sign us up. Is that when you eat a spoonful of sugar? Yeah, sugar. That's the cinnamon challenge. It's just eating one spoonful of sugar? You have to be looking at some cinnamon in the little thing. Or be named cinnamon.

That's why a lot of horses do it. They love sugar. We've been doing it wrong. Well, guys, we're running out of time, unfortunately, on this very special wet episode. There's plenty of time to stay away from our grandda. And get our grandson. All right. We only have time for one final feature on the show. And that is, of course, a little something called plugs.

All kinds of plugs. Parade the floor. Big, small, bright, hardcore decor. Metal, rubber. Glow in the dark slugs. unity thumps in a thousand plugs, ear plugs butt plugs electric plugs electric plugs that only work in Malaysia allowing the footsteps of a rag doll dance

we are entranced spellbound Alice All right guys what do we want to plug here Spike and Ike First I'll go to Spike Or Ike Thank you. Thank you.

What do you want to plug? Our location of our grandson. Zero. But that's also the location of your granddaughter. Stay away from our grandda. Are you suggesting that we do some recon before this with binoculars or something like that? Recon yourself before you beacon yourself. And refcon yourself before you defcon yourself.

That's right. And watch. Running Point. on Netflix on 4, 23. And this is... April 23rd. The basketball show on Netflix, and it's called Running Point

because all of the basketball players run to several points on the court. That's right. They're marked off. They're very specific points. And then there's an A story, a B story, and a C story. But they're all about running to the points.

Sometimes people run and point at the same time. Mm-hmm. And this stars Oscar nominee this year, Kate Hudson. That's right. And some other great people in the cast. That's Justin Thoreau. Justin Thoreau pops in for the other episode. And one, two other episodes.

Aungar, Scott MacArthur, Fabrizio Guido. Mm-hmm. And then Ike Barrenholz also co-created this, right? That's right. Mindy Kaling, Ike Barronholz, and David Stassen. So a lot of great people on this. It was a huge hidden season. season one. That's right. And now season two is coming and we couldn't be happier.

Stay away from the show. From our granddaughter's favorite show, which is running point. So stay away from running points? No. Meaning don't go inside the TV and try to be in it. Exactly. Right. I got it. Don't try to go in the TV and be in running. point. Got it, got it. Willie Wonka-style. We don't want anything like that to happen. That's right. Okay, got it. And Spike Arike, what do you want to plug? I want to plug Varietopia. It's going to be at Bell House in Brooklyn on the 25th and 26th of April. Wow. Now look, my granddaughter won't be there. Okay, that's good. So you can go. But your grandson will be there? Our grandson will be there. And the opening act is us kicking the shit out of my

grandson. This is a very special show. I gotta see this. A one person mosh pit with our grandson being pushed to the ground over and over and over and over. Everyone get in a circle

and push our grandson down to the ground. Okay, this sounds amazing. Now, Carolyn Parker, what do you want to plug? I'd love to, if it's okay, push my my shentist and spa office.

beach are and tombs and um are and also on instagram if you have a second come over to this very very very sweet boy uh it's rygall r y g a u l um on instagram he's a very sweet boy and he please if you need give him a give him a call at 310 980 4053 and let him know how things are let him know if you have any requests if you need them to um if you need to um if you need to if you need help moving if you need him to like come and babysit kick uh throw your baby what did you if you need uh yes into the dirt into the dirt into the dirt push him into the dirt just to it push him to the dirt and if you if you want him to judge your dick picks or oh yeah well maybe not we're we're on

I think he's on a real long streak of never getting one, so maybe we'll hopefully do that. So he needs one. Challenge accepted. It's a drought, apparently. You didn't know that you liked it until they were gone. A long dry spell. Well, what do I want to plug? I want to plug CBB World.

We have a brand new website, by the way. This is an incredible looking website. It has great new features. You can look up performers. You can look up characters. You can make your own playlists with certain characters. What could be more exciting in the year 2026 than a new website? You can also play episodes right from the website.

We really want... I take it back. Look, we wanted the website to look better and we wanted to have a bunch of functions that you guys would find fun. We're adding stuff all the time. So, you know, yeah, I don't... know people aren't on websites. Can you put our granddaughter on your website? If so, don't.

Okay. No and yes. Or we'll put you in a WWW. Parascoffin. That's right.com. Got it. Dot net, smart guy. Oh, okay.

Sorry, sorry. Sorry. So head on over there. You can get the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang. Every single episode we've ever done. Add free, plus every live episode we've ever done. This is thousands of episodes. Plus, we have new shows.

We have shows like Neighborhood Listen and CBB Presents where people from this show have their own show. College Town, Scott hasn't seen where Sprague the Whisperer and I watch movies. So much stuff going on over there. You're going to want to spend a lot of time on that website. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Close the bag because it's open. Close that bag because it's open.

And if you don't close the bag. bag. Then I will punch you in the fucking face. So just close that bag. To close the fucking bag, Mr. Ackerman. Wow. All right. That was closed the effing bag. Thank you, Mr. A, by Cam Getem. Cam Getem. And guys, I want to thank you so much. Spike and Ike, wonderful to have you on this wet day. Many Urkels to you, juice. What are you doing? You know, I'm sorry. You have been on our wet day episodes like probably four out of the five times. we've done them. What is wet day?

What are the rules? Do you observe any traditions? We don't have time to go with the tree inside the house. No, just the tip, as they say. Okay. Carolyn Parker, what do you want to plug? Or no, plugging, no. I would love to push it around a gym.

Push it real good. Carolyn, wonderful to see you. I hope that. So nice to see you. Have fun having sex or whatever you do with it. I never have had some. sex with them. You never have sex with either of them? No, I have sex with, well, what is, what do you consider sex? Uh, it depends on the definition of is. Pes, natural sex. Pinesstration. Nothing with,

nothing with, nothing with Dr. Beater. Can we ask his penis, by the way? Yeah, please. Petus plus station. What is penistration? Oh, I do have that. I do have that with both of them. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. I'ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-a.