Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Wet Day Special 2025 (Paul F. Tompkins, Drew Tarver, Ryan Gaul)

Episode Date: April 7, 2025

Wet Day co-creator Paul F. Tompkins joins Scott for the 4th annual Wet Day celebration! They canonize the newest Wet Day carols, discuss the best Wet Day celebrities, and announce a new Wet Day Eve. Then, Ike and Spike Minksalmon arrive to tell us about their new line of dolls. Finally, dental receptionist Carolyn Parker works from the studio to help everyone with their dental health.  Don’t forget to check out the Comedy Bang! Bang! Action Figures at shop.figurecollections.com and go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases. If you want more great episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! become a subscriber at comedybangbangworld.com. We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn’t Seen. Find more great Comedy Bang! Bang! merch at https://www.podswag.com/collections/comedy-bang-bang Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Get on the Comedy bang bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang. Get on the wet foot, do the damp thing and pass the soggy peas. Welcome to Comedy Bang Day. Oh, I know what time of year it is. That's right. Thanks to your all... Nope, sorry, you're in all cakes for that.

You're in all cakes. Every single one of them. Oh, I think I understand it. What is it? Urinal cakes. You're in all cakes. Yes. The wettest things.

Why do they have to name you urinal cakes? It sounds so delicious. It's so tempting. I don't want to... Come on. It's mixed messages here. Guys? And that's like the Iraq War

whenever you're here. Yellow cake you're reading them. I would get so excited. It made you think it's supermarket sheet cake. Ooh, yellow cake. I want some of that. With chocolate frosting. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition.

And we all know what week this is. That's right. We'll be talking about it. My name is Scott Ackerman. I am here with my fellow enthusiast of the holiday that we are celebrating today. Co-creator. Co-creator?

I mean, you're an enthusiast. as well, but... Well, I was so enthusiastic, I co-created it. Let me introduce him. You know him as a comedian of notes. Please, I'll allow you to introduce myself. He is a recanture. He is an actor.

He is a voiceover artist. He is a touring professional comedian who has a tour entitled Varieturpia, which is coming to the United States in Canada in approximately one week to 10 days from now. So true. And I have to say many urcles to him. Please welcome Paul have Tompkins.

Many urcles to you. Many hercels to you. Many hercels to you. Of course, the wet day greeting. And that is what we're talking about here. That's right. We are celebrating here. This is the day we are observing.

Yes. This is wet day observed. Wet day is this Thursday. Yes. Of course, April 10th. And the reason we do this before the actual days because we know people want to spend it with their families. Yes.

And they don't want to have to listen to this. This is to get you in the moves. This is to get you hyped up. Now, we're celebrating. We're as wet as we can possibly be right now. I'm drenched. I have wet hair from the shower. That was just the start of it.

Oh, wet hair from the shower. What hair from the shower? I know. Right? That is one of those. Of course, we are also celebrating on Thursday, Haley Joel Osman's birthday. He shares that with wet day. Yes.

Probably. It sucks because you get one present for both. Exactly. But I will say the day he was born is probably the wettest he's ever been. Oh, my. And that nine months leading up to it? I wish we could remember how wet we were before we're born and when we come out. Because we're so wet, we're like breathing liquid.

Yeah. You know what I mean? That's what it's guess, baby. Yeah. Like there's not even air in the lungs. Okay, let's get into gills. Yeah. How does that shit work?

This is crazy, but I don't have any idea. You got a bunch of tears in the side of your head. There's slits in the side of your head. I don't know you didn't want to say slits. but tears feels too imprecise. And then and then it goes water and out goes bubbles. Yeah. Oh, wait.

Oh, yeah, that's what it is. Hey, thank you. He goes water out goes bubbles. Problem solved. Fish, I think, are perhaps the animal most associated with wet day. I thought you're going to say fish. You're on notice. I would never put fish on notice.

Do you allow fish to listen to this podcast or do you feel like they shouldn't? I feel like this is the Animal Kingdoms podcast, of course. It was Humanities podcast, and then we broadened the scope to incorporate and include the animal kingdom. I think fish are in the animal kingdom, although I, you know, I mean, fish are that weird kind of thing where, like, you don't eat animals, but you do eat fish. So are they animals? You know what I mean? Like, oh, no, I don't eat animals. Yeah, I'll have fish every once in a while.

Yeah. Like fish is just a slimy. thing. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's a glorified worm. Now I'm going to ask you to put fish out of your mind. Okay.

And I want to do a little experiment because I have an answer. Okay. And I want to see what your answer is. I've cleared fish from my mind, but I'm not thinking of them at all. When I say the phrase that pays animal. Yeah. Then I win how much? $500,000 I think.

Dang. That's a lot. You just say it. What is this radio station doing? Half a million dollars? I have no idea. how we're profitable. So when I say this phrase to you,

I want you to say the first thing that you picture. First thing I picture. Yes. All right. Animal kingdom. I pictured a cheetah in a big African safari. Okay. For some reason, I go bear.

You go bear. That's the first thing I think of as a bear. You think the king of the kingdom is a bear? No, I think that he's a subject of the animal kingdom. Who do you think is the king? The lion. the lion? Truly. And why is that? Why does he get top billing? Why is he number one on the call sheet?

I think he looks the most kingly. Is it that main? Yeah, it is. He looks the most kingly. By the way, he doesn't do shit. The lioness does all the work. Yeah, tell me about it. He just like sits around at home waiting for her to bring back everything. Yeah, looking at himself in the mirror. Oh, check out this mane of mine. Oh, I'm gorgeous, honey. Yeah, yeah. It is pretty impressive, though. You got a beautiful mane. I mean, honestly, it's so beautiful he should be the kick of the jungle. But think how bad it looks on a person. If a person has equal length, hair and beard, no mustache, that looks like shit.

Well, I mean, what are we, are we talking about Kenny Loggins or what are we saying? Well, he had a mustache. You didn't have just a beard. He must have had a beard at one point. No, he had a beard with a mustache, though. I'm saying like, oh, I see. So you're talking Abraham Lincoln style? Full beard, same length as your hair, no mustache.

Terrible. And if you have that look, I apologize. And that is as dry a look as it can. get unless your hair is stopping wet, of course, which I hope it would be on wet day. Let's take yeah, I would hope. Let's take everyone through a little bit about what we're talking about. What is wet day? Yes, if you're new to the holiday. That's right, because I believe this is our, this is our fourth annual wet day special. Feels like more. Feels like we've been doing this for a long, long time. What is wet day? We created wet day back in 2021 at the end of 2021. And this

is a tradition of wet day is to explain the history and the lore. Yes. We created it, and the concept of wet day is, wet day is a day where you get as wet as you can possibly be. Because on April 1st, you have gone through so many pranks that people have played on you, getting you wet. Yes. Squirting flowers, you know,

that you were... Pitcher of a bottle of water over the door. Exactly. Like, all of this, you're wet all day. You've had... Cutting your brakes and you drive near a river. You've had... Nine days to dry off, and you want to be wet again. And so we celebrate a wedding. It's just not if you miss it. You're like, actually, that was fun.

So that's what it is. It's April 10th every year, which means it falls on a different day of the week every year. That's right. One of those. Of course, some of the things that we do, the wet day traditions, Poseidon, the Greek god is the patron saint of wet day. Yeah. But now, Erkel is the new patron of wet day. It used to be Jim Belushi.

but it is I don't know why it is now Urkel which is why we say many Urcles to you And why is it Urkel again? I don't know Okay Wet Day is the day of course

to spray Elon Musk with a civil rights grade fire hose Michael Richards is a wet day thing due to him being sprayed in UHF by the same type of fire hose Okay Waterworld of course is the wet day movie 100%. And you have to go to the Waterworld stunt show on Wet Day, of course, at Universal Studios, sit in the splash zone. Make the pilgrimage. And if you don't celebrate Wet Day, which for those of you out there, I wish you would. But if you don't celebrate it, go see Dune. Yes. That's your movie. The absolute opposite. The opposite of Waterworld. Yeah. Weird Al should call himself Wet Al on Wet Day. Wet Day is not a religious holiday, but I think we should take bids from religious. Even though it has a patron saint.

I like the idea of taking bids. Who wants it? Yeah, who wants it enough? Who wants it? It is a global holiday. Are we including cults? Can cults bid? Sure.

Any cults, yeah. If you want to revitalize your cult, hey, what was that one? Nixium, Nivium. Nexium. Nexium. Yeah. Yeah, I almost, I got there. Oh, if people get brands of wet day on their joints.

Yes. Just like drops of water, brands of drops of water. Yeah, the water emoji. The spreading water emoji. Yeah, put it right next to their private parts. Yeah. Get it. Wet day.

Eve, of course, is celebrated two months before on January 10th in 2020. On wet day Eve, hopefully everyone already did this on January 10th. You should put everything you own in the shower and then get on top of it. That's more than two months before, I would say. Yeah, that's three months before, probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah, closer to that. In 2022, we mentioned you should begin decorating for wet day on St. Patrick's Day. Yes. What you do is you de-moisten all of your things. Demoisten them. You de-moisten things starting October, so you can start being really wet, midnight on wet day eve. That's right. You should start drying things out. Get your hair dryer. That's right. Make sure everything is as dry as it can be. Leave the caps off of stuff.

Sure. The decorations, of course, for wet day. We string together popcorn and ice cubes. And we place a wet tree outside our house or apartment, open the window, and then bend so that it leans inside. That's right. The primary thing is the tree has to be wet, not the wettest tree of all time. No, no, no, no. Just the wettest tree you can find.

I mean, obviously people, like the Great Christmas Light Fight, people will be competing in their neighborhoods to have the wettest tree. Sure, that's just slightly leaning into your window from outside. All the families, of course, somebody has had cancer. That's what happens on the Great Christmas Light Fight.

Because we find out somebody has had cancer. Yes. What do we do on wet day? We take a longer shower than usual. Now, 30 minutes exactly is how we take our showers on non-wet days. Yeah, that's right. So we extend that to 4. Drought or no? Yeah, we extend that to 45 minutes on red day.

We sleep in a full tub. We visit wet places. And we toss water balloons into local businesses at customers. That's right. We take the ink out of all of our pens and fill them with water. and put that ink into vaudeville-esque squirting flowers. Right. So that when you assume it will be a flower that squirts water at you, it squirts ink.

Yeah. And you don't know. You have no idea. If you've been hit by it, you have no idea until you look in the mirror. Exactly. Yeah. Now on wet day, regardless of your gender identity or your age, you should tell people, I'm an old man because your fingers will be pruning and wrinkled from being wet.

Very important. It's very important. Very important. You should tell the wettest story you have. Yes. That's fun for the family to do, to gather around and, you know. Of course. You should host wet t-shirt contests.

100%. Yes. You should be doing that anyway, frankly. The official wet day after show is watch wet happens live, which will be live regardless of where you are or what time it is. That's right. And on this show, they invite alcoholics of the past president future. Now, here's something very important.

What does that? I don't know. This is all in a document. How do they get the future ones? I don't know. How do they determine that someone is in the future going to... Also, you find so you're invited on the show and you find out you're going to be an alcoholic? It's a big reveal.

Oh, no. There's nothing you can do about it. This is very important. If you drink something on wet day, it should not have ice. If you do have to get something on the rocks, wait 30 minutes for the ice to melt and then drink it. Yeah. Because although ice is wet, it's hard. It's not as wet as water.

It's not as wet as water. Now, let's talk about the wet day carols because this is a big part of wet days is to join in with your friends and go traversing through the neighborhood and knocking on doors and singing wet day carols. Yeah. Number one with a bullet, of course, was Wop. Yeah. Wet-ass Pussy. That's correct. That's the number one wet day.

It's the jingle bells of wet day. Yeah. Now, we also mentioned going to make you sweat by C&C Factory. Mm-hmm. Which, by the way, sweat has wet in it. That's so true. You know what I mean? You can't spell sweat without wet.

You can't. It's very, like, who's like, oh, what's that stuff coming out of our bodies? You also. It's wet. Sweat. You also can't spell sweat or. without wet and maybe instead of wet or in addition to wet t-shirt wet sweater contest yes uh we also have bringing in the sheaves is a wet day carol um because even

though it's about wheat you can just pronounce wheat as wet yep um also uh keith sweats's entire discography um apparently we made a rule that you cannot fade songs out on wet day no You have to have a hard stop. Hard stop. And in fact, any wet day carol should have a NASA countdown letting you know it's going to end. The wet day holiday band is wet, wet, wet, wet. What are some gifts you can give people on wet day? Should we?

I think we should also include. Yes. Well, there's a new, there's a new wet day carol. That's right. That's right. It's been brought to our attention. Do you want to hear it? Yes, I would like to hear it.

I was so excited. This came out about two months ago. Oh, it's not what I was thinking. Oh, okay. Well, this is one I was very excited by. Hey, Bruno. I don't even gang bang. I don't even gang bang.

Fat, juicy and wet, of course, by Sexy Red and Bruno Mars. When this came out, I was like, come on. Now they're just trolling us. They want us. But look, this is a thing that artists do. Because they feel like it's a surefire way to make money as release a holiday album. And it'll be played every year on Wednesday.

Everybody's going after Mariah Carey. Does she have any wet day carols? I would love on one of her Christmas albums just to throw a wet day song in there. You know what I mean? We should try to find out what her wettest song is. Yeah. Let me look that out.

I wonder if AI would help me out with that. Oh, please. Chat GPD. What is Mariah Carey's wetest song? All right, let's see. Through the rain is often. cited as one of her most wet or sensual songs.

Surprisingly, AI overview has an answer for us. Through the rain. There we go. And they're not wrong because wet and sensual kind of the same thing. Let's hear a little through the rain here. You are a disgrace to this family. Didn't you teach me to follow my heart? Oh, it's Meadow Soprano in the video. Why can't you see that? You are

a kid. You don't know what you believe in. I'm leaving. A little bit of a dramatic acting before the song starts. A little bit of dramatic acting before the song starts. Oh. A necklace or a charm bracelet falls on the ground. Who's playing the mom? I don't know.

But I feel like there's a freaky Friday situation going on or something. So far, nothing wet in this video. No. She's, uh, it's a period piece. Oh. I mean, come on. Stopper right now. Stopper right now.

That's all we need. That's all we need. When you get caught in the rain. You're wet. You're absolutely wet. There's another song, though, that many people have brought to our attention. Wet's that. Oh, God, I love this holiday.

Bus stop by the Hollies. What? Bus stop. Yes. Bus stop hollies. All right, I have this all queued up. We'll see what. No ad?

No. Wag, can you believe it? The Hollies are not monetizing their old songs. The second thing. The second thing they say. Wet day. Bus stop, wet day. And the song goes on to mention umbrellas many times.

The one thing I would say is it's not bus stop day, Hollies. You know? It's true, but maybe they're at the bus stop on wet day to go to the Universal Studios. Waterworlds. Spectacular. Let's talk about wet day gifts. Obviously, the bottled water is traditional.

You put that in wet day stockings. But a wet car with a wet bow is a giant wet bow. Giant wet bow. These are, of course, all of the things we've talked about on previous episodes. By the way, a couple episodes ago, Hannah Einbinder is aware of wet day and is taking it up the corporate ladder to help make it an official holiday. So that's very exciting. And then last week, John Hamm added another new wrinkle to it, which is Friday. He is now calling dry day.

Friday, dry day. Because that's the day after wet day. That's interesting. But not every year. No, no. Just on the few occasions that wet day falls upon a Thursday, Friday then becomes dry day. Tomorrow's dry day. And you have to act real sad.

Yes, you too, because unfortunately. Yeah. It's not like Black Friday at all. No, you do have to get as dry as you possibly can. Yes, and that has to start. Honestly, the day after wet day is the day you should be at your absolute driest. That's right. And then you can get incrementally wet throughout the year up until April Fool's Day when, of course, you're drenched. April Fool's Day, you might be even wetter than what you are on wet day.

Maybe. Depending on how your family likes to prank you. Yeah. Anyway, happy wet day to you. Happy wet day to you and to all the listeners. Do you have plans for Thursday? Do you know what you're doing exactly other than everything we've discussed? My wife and I will be going to a water park.

Great. Where we will swap bathing suits. We'll swap bathing suits on one of the slides. Yes. We're going to go through the tunnel. We come out, we're going to be wearing each other's bathing suits. It's a great reveal for the entire, all of the visitors to the park. That's right.

They love it. We're going to travel everywhere we go exclusively by flume. Sure. Well, are you carving your own flume out of a log? Last year, Janie gave me a flume for wet day. Oh, that's gorgeous. And I got her a comb. She got off her hair.

Fantastic. Well, what are you going to do? Well, I mean, you know, what is the wettest place in California, you know? Libreia tarpits? Librei tarpits. I'm just, I'm diving right in. Let me ask you. Yeah.

Does that count as wet? It's goopy. It's goopy. It's not goop day. When we mentioned, I feel like toothpaste came up early. Gwyneth Paltrow. She got all excited. So who's goopier?

You don't go around, you know, like wishing the best for everyone who sued you and tapping them on the shoulder. Well, if you win. You do when you're counterstering for $1. But that's a good point. Like I would come out of the tar pits kind of going like, I'm all sticky. It's not that I'm wet. It's like things like toothpaste, right, is a thing that. that you associate with wet, but it's not itself.

No, no, it's not. Yeah, that's the thing. It's just sticky. It has a sheen on it. Yeah. I don't think it counts. I think the tarpits, you're out. You're no longer part of wet day.

Is Michael Sheen associated with wet day? He should be. Because a wet thing can have a sheen on it. It can. Are there any celebrities with wet in their names? F. Murray Wetman. F. Murray Wittram.

I couldn't even get it now. How about just Wet Murray Abraham? Oh, Paul Wet Tompkins. Paul Wet Tompkins. On wet day, my name is Paul Wet Tompkins. That's right. Francis be gone.

The F is no longer there. It's now Paul W. Tompkins. That's right. I'm just going to go to the wettest places I can find. I like to go around to all of my neighbor's swimming pools. Oh yeah, like Brent Lancaster in that movie. Short which movie? The Swimmer.

Was it really called The Swimmer? Yeah, it was based on either a novel or a short story by John Cheever, I think. Wow. And the idea is this man decides to, he's at somebody's pool and he decides he's going to swim home, quote unquote, by going to everybody's pool on the way and going to their backyard, swimming through it. Swimming the length of it. And then going to a different pool, swimming the length of that. That's where I learned the term bullshots, which is some sort of alkyards. alcoholic drink where you put bullion in it.

This movie sounds like it's perfect for wet day. But people, you know what? It is perfect for wet day. Because people keep asking him what he's doing and he goes, I'm swimming home. I am going to get a DVD of this movie, put it in my DVD player, and then get a bucket of water and pour it over the DVD player. Oh, that's great. See what happens. No, absolutely. See what I think you know what's going to happen. I think a fun thing. A fun thing. And that's what wet day is all about. It's about fun. And it's about family, the two Fs.

That's right. And I feel like the reason water world is the wettest movie. Yeah. And a movie like The Swimmer is a very wet movie. Yeah. Is because it's people getting wet. That's the thing. So like a movie like Free Willy?

No, come on. No, who cares if a rail is wet. Yeah. He loves being wet. Yeah. They're going to release him from one wet place to another. You know, in the poster for Free Willy, he's jumping out of the water. And he's saying like, no, I don't want to be out of this.

Yeah. And they erased that. Wait a minute. Or is he jumping out saying, I don't want to be wet anymore. Oh, my God. Free Willie is fucked up. The enemy of Wet Day. Yeah.

You said it. You said it. Free Willie. The enemy of Wet Day. If you see Free Willy on Wet Day, you're allowed to shoot him. Yep. Dead. That's right.

And make your own movie about it, like Blackfish. The sequel to Free Willy 3. I shot him. It's the sequel to both Free Willy and Blackfish. It's the first movie to be a sequel to be a sequel to. two other movies. I love it. Well, I'm going to have so much fun this wet day.

We're all having so much fun here on the show. It's, of course, four days away, and we want everyone to prepare as much as they can. I mean, not as much as they did on a wet day eve necessarily. Yeah. But get your friends together, get your families together, and just plan out what you're going to do on a wet day because you don't want to be like one of these guys who comes to the office on St.

Patrick's Day and you're not wearing green. And you get pinched. You get pinched. What if you're not when a wet day? What happens? Do you get punched? I mean, I guess you get punched so hard that some of your wetness comes out. Yes.

Blood? Yeah. Your wetness is the form of blood. Blood's wet. Blood's sticky as well, like tar. But it's wet. It's pretty wet. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. All right. So, yeah. If you're not wet on wet day, you get punched in your nose so hard that the wetest liquid in your body comes out of it. Yeah. And if you don't, if the, if the blood doesn't come out right away, they got to keep punching until it. Keep punching until blood comes out. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Even if you're a hemophilia. especially if you are. Yeah. So if you're a hemophiliac and you're at risk, you've got to be wet on wet day. You better be.

Here's what people should be doing now as they're listening to this. They should be filling up their tub. They should be filling up buckets, pots, bottles, any container that they have, they should be filling with water. Anything in your house that you can turn upside down and it can hold liquid, turn it upside down

and put water into it right now. Sure. Sure. Look, shoes. Shoes. Shoes. Shoes. We're always thinking like,

oh, let's put hard things in there. Feet. No, put soft things in there. Water. Water. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Even if you live in a place that has hard water, it's so softer than feet. Come on. Grow up. Grow up. Let's not do this on wet day. Wet day is about taking time with our friends and family. It's not about, like, you know, arguing about what are the rules of wet day.

Do you know what else is a thing you can say to each other on wet day? you can say because it I think that it's so perfect and it's a wonderful thing to say wonderful it's you say the word juice like David Schwimmer did in that OJ series oh's juice juice you agree each other like that juice is fairly wet oh juice is wet it's a little sticky it is stick look not everything that's wet is sticky and not everything it's sticky is wet. It's a good point. Bubble gum. Sticky. It's not wet, but when it's in your mouth, it's wet.

If you're doing it right. You have, yeah. If you put bubble gum in your mouth, and it stays dry, take it out a couple minutes later still dry? Go to the hustle. And also, be careful because the grape, hubba, Bubba has spider eggs in it. Yes, thank you. I heard this a long time ago, and I assume it must still be true. You know, I bought approximately 10 boxes of girls. scout cookies and apparently they all have metal shards in them or something.

Is that new? Yes. Why did they start doing that? I don't know. Interesting group. This is a new thing for 2025. I don't know. Yeah, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't eat those. Hopefully, hopefully it's going to rain on wet day. That is one of the best.

Here in Los Angeles, it has been kind of overcast, a little sprinkly. We're just praying for rain this wet day. It's the only time I pray. Yeah. Yeah. Other than when you're about to be hit by like a semi-truck. Oh, yeah. When my life is in danger, of course I pray.

Yeah. And I very quickly say, I know I have a brave a long time, but. And then I say, please spare me. And if you spare me, I'll do this, this and this. And then when you are spared. Yeah. It was like he knew, but God knows I wasn't going to do anything. What is this game that God is playing with us?

Yeah. These are the questions we ask on Wet Day. What is this game that God is? It's the foundational question of wet day. What game is God playing? He knows everything we're going to do and don't do, right? Yeah, it's all planned out in the future. Unless he sees the tributaries of realities of these are possibilities.

I don't think there are any. Like the multiverse? Yeah, I don't think there are any. I think he has said it all out. It's all planned. Yeah. There's a free will. There's absolutely no free will.

He said that. Who told us that? He did. Why am I going to believe him? this guy has a hell. He sends people there if you don't like him enough, you go to hell. That's crazy. If wet day happens on Sunday, do people go to church?

I think you go straight to heaven. If it ever happens on Sunday, you go church, you go straight to heaven. Just your shoes are left behind. I'm trying to think because it'll be on Friday next year. Yeah. Then 2027 will be on Saturday. 2028, it skips over to Monday, I believe, because of leap year. Yeah.

Wow, so maybe you're right. Maybe it's never occurred on a Sunday before. Is it possible? No, this is crazy. What? There's a second wet day on leap year? When would it be? On the 29th?

On the 29th? I don't know. Is that too much? Is that too many wet days? I don't know. Or is it a second wet day Eve? Okay, we'll allow it to be a second wet day Eve. Yeah, because, look, Christmas Eve is fun.

Wouldn't it be fun if there were two Christmas Eve? When would you make it on December 23rd and 24th? Or would you make it? November 1st. November 1st, just another Christmas Eve. I mean, Thanksgiving is almost Christmas Eve. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Well, it's too adjacent to Christmas in my mind. It should be in July. Well, we, of course, on freedom, we, we've all, we've planned out all of the holidays, all the holidays. And I think we did a great job. There should only be one every month. Yeah. One holiday a month.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it should be on the first. And there's some months that need one. Yeah, it should be the first of every month. The first of every month. Because all these things of like, what day is Thanksgiving this year? What day is Easter?

No, it's always on the first of every month. Okay, because that's what New Year's Eve is. Yeah. And it's not like you're going to be celebrating that on any other day. And we did have to get rid of Election Day, which is too bad. Yep, too bad. Yeah, because we couldn't. They wouldn't fit.

And you must acquit if that happens. There are too many good holidays. Choose. Choose. So wet day will be our April holiday. Sorry Easter. Sorry Easter. You were too boring. There is, I mean, wet day is so much better than Easter. Easter, you have what, hiding eggs? Get the fuck out of here. What if you don't have kids? Yeah. What if you're not a kid and you don't have kids,

you've got nothing. You have nothing for Easter. But you can, you can hide bottles of water. Yes, you can. And you should. them. Yeah, you could die. Exactly. You put food coloring and water. Food coloring and water. It's gorgeous.

That's fun. It's so much fun. Oh, I also want to say, I think on wet day, you can drink that blue stuff in the barbershop. Yeah. The barberside, is that what they call it? Barberside. Doesn't it sound like the barber's going to murder you?

It kills hair. You've become the victim of Barberside. There should be a law and order barberside. Yeah. Barbicide life on the street. It's just a rash of barbers killing people every week, 22 times a year. Ice tea can come over. He can pour it over.

He could be the new munch. Exactly. He could be the new munch. I want a new munch. I don't think he would ever do that, though, right? Really? You would never betray his SVU family? I can't see him saying I'm going to replace Richard Belser as much.

Ice tea, we want to see you wet on wet day. We sure do. If you can find a picture of ice, tea wet, he's a guy who I cannot imagine ever being wet. Like, anytime he's on that Law & Order show, he's probably dry as can be. Yeah, yeah. So if you can find a picture of ice tea actually wet, like stepping out of a pool or something, then send it to us.

Stepping out of a pool. Or if there's a painting of iced tea, like the Venus on the half shell. Sure. Or a, or a, some sort of a statue like the David without any arms of ice tea wet. And wet. Yeah, then please send it to us. If you've, if you have seen a statue of an armless iced tea who is soaking wet, please send that to us. So happy wet day to everyone.

We're here celebrating. Each and everyone. From the tallest to the smallest. That's right. Although I would say the smallest and the tallest. No. Everybody in between. Everyone in between.

But the smallest and the tallest, no. It's like, you don't get to celebrate. Kids from one to 92. Sure. If you're a new, if you're a newborn, no. Nope. And if you're 93, fuck off. You've had plenty of time to celebrate.

You've had an, I bet you're sick of it at this point. I'm going to say for wet day, it should be for kids from two to 91. Two to 91. Okay, great. Yeah. Great. All right. So, uh, if you're 92, don't celebrate wet day.

We don't want you to get pneumonia. That we're looking out for you. That's true. That's true. It seems cruel, but it's actually very kind. It's kind of us. Thank you. It's kind of us. It's kind of us.

Yeah, this is kind of us. I'm thinking us. Kind of. Well, happy wet day to you, sir. And happy wet day to you, sir, many urcles. This is an incredible time to be spending with you. We have a wonderful show here on Comedy Bang Bang this week. I know, Paul, you have to go, but...

I have to leave immediately. Yeah, a little later, we have a... To pack for my tour. A couple of gentlemen, and then we have a receptionist also on the show. So this is a wonderful show we're going to be celebrating here on Wet Day. Wish I could stay. but you can't, but when we come back, we'll have a couple of gentlemen

and then a receptionist. We'll be right back with more Wet Day. Comedy Bang Bang, Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang, Bang. Wet Day spectacular. Fourth annual Wet Day, spectacular here. And unfortunately, Paul F. Tompkins had to go.

Love him, though. Love celebrating wet day with him, even if it's just for a few moments. But let's get to our next guests. They are a couple of gentlemen. I mentioned, and they've been on the show a few times before, and I believe on Wet Day a few times. Please welcome back to the show.

I can spike mink salmon. I'm going to tell you this once. We're only going to say it once. We're not going to say this again. Stay away from our granddaughter. Okay, this is the only time you're going to say this? We promise you. Okay, you're never going to say it again.

We swear. The last thing we're ever going to say this. again is stay away from our granddaughter. Okay, so starting now, you're not going to say this. We see your eyes. I know what you want to do. Is she here? Look, look, you're forcing us to say it again. Stay away from our granddaughter.

So wait. Don't ask where she is. Don't ask where she is. Then you'll walk over and you will not be. So it's a walkable distance? Staying away from our granddaughter. The last thing you want to do is wonder where she is. Because once you start wondering, you've got to start looking around.

And if you spot her, we know you're going to want to walk over. And you can't because you have to continue to stay away from our granddaughter. My question is, it's a walkable distance to get to her, you've said. Why bring her so close to me if you want her to stay away from me? What you're doing right now is you're skating. thin ice. You're counting your steps. How many steps am I from their granddaughter? You're looking at your Fitbit. You're saying, can I get 10,000 steps towards their granddaughter? Could I cross out some of my rings if I walk over to their granddaughter?

Can I just put it in the dryer, turn it on, and make this Fitbit think that it walked around? Don't be tricking your Fitbit while you walk over to our granddaughter. If there's two things you remember. Number one, don't trick your fit bit. Number two, stay away from our granddaughter. Last time we're going to say. All right. Can I ask a question?

I get it. As long as the question isn't, where's your granddaughter? Okay, I will not ask that. But I am supposed to stay away from your granddaughter. I don't even know your granddaughter, by the way. You've been on the show several times. I don't know who she is or why you want me to stay away from her. Let's keep it that way.

But let's, okay, I accept this. You want me to stay away from your granddaughter. Do you also want your granddaughter to stay away from me? Our granddaughter can go anywhere she wants. She's a little princess. We love her. We dote on her. She's the apple of our eye.

She can do whatever she likes. You, it's a different story. You have to know who she is. Avoid her. If you see her, run away. Stay away. But if, but she could, she can approach me. Yes.

Okay. I mean, so what's to stop? If I were you, I wouldn't even think about her approaching you. That's the last thing you should have on your mind. If she's the one in control, that's okay. Okay. But as soon as you switch the tables and you become in control and approach her, you're going to be skating on thin ice.

Okay. So as long as she's in control, all gas, no brakes, then she can, like, say I'm just sitting here and I feel a tap on my shoulder, I turn around. What were you doing to bring her over? Why were you sitting there where she was? But say I'm sitting here, which this is my personal property. This is, and she's... But what if she likes computers, a sound equipment? You are entrapping.

What is she lost and she wanders in here? I have not put anything out on the internet. I want to make that very plain. I've not put anything out on the internet of like, hey, come by my house or anything like that. I don't even, how old is your granddaughter? Do you occasionally put stuff out on the internet that says come by my house? Are you talking about an email or just sort of a post? Are you talking about an evite?

Come by my house? Sometimes I will send an evite out. Is there a specific occasion like your birthday party? Sure, yeah. Say it's my birthday party. Come by my house on my birthday party. Yeah. Is that okay?

Not to our granddaughter. You better not send them to a granddad. What's her email address? Do I make sure I cross that off the list? Whoa. Whoa. Okay. Let's get one thing straight. As far as you're concerned, our granddaughter has no internet presence whatsoever.

We just had to switch her over to a different email. She was getting too much mail. Don't even think about emailing our granddaughter. What was the original email address that you had to? And why was she getting so much mail? Our granddaughter at Gmail. And now it's our granddaughter 1 at Gmail. Okay.

I won't email her then. We're going to have to make a new address. We shouldn't have set it. You know which way I want to go. Yeah, I think I do. You know the number. And it's not that far away from the first number we picked. It's probably two.

Don't shit. Don't even speculate on the new email address for our granddaughter. Okay. I don't know who your granddaughter. How old is she? Let's keep it that way. Let's keep it that way. We're not saying in her age.

It's rude to our granddaughter. She's still a little lady. You don't ask how old somebody's granddaughter is. It's rude. She's granddaughter age. You know the age. You guys are old men. Yes.

And if you want to become what? You'll stay away from our granddaughter. You want to be old? You want to keep inviting people over to your house, stopping by for your birthday? Stay away from our granddad. You want to keep having a birthday to celebrate? Stay away from our granddaughter. Is there a way? Could you make me age a number, but just keep my young appearance?

Is there a way to do that? Looks like they had nothing but a number. That ship is already sailed. I'm saying from here on it. Like, can I become immortal if I stay away from your... Sun-cost fallacy. You don't have any super... Cabiche?

Oh, Cabeege. Oh, wow, that's a new wrinkle. Cabish. You got it? Yeah, are you guys don't have any supernatural powers or anything like that. I mean, no. Not that we know of. Have you tried everything, though?

Yes. You've waved your hands at a tree to see if you can curse it or anything? We tried to get cursed by a witch. Yep. I almost drowned trying to be Aquaman. What did you want to be Aquaman for? I mean, the Jasonamoa version? Yes.

He looks cool. He's awesome. I wanted to be the flash, then that guy got canceled. and then you no longer want to be the flash he ruined it for now i walk as slow as i can he is very fast but then that's why he was cast yes because he actually has the powers of the flash they were like we could save probably 80 million dollars on the budget of cgii was going to be so cheap yep i wanted to be batman now i'm just a vampire what can i ask like do you guys still work are you

retired or? We're in security. Okay, security. So like private security? Private security. Okay, but like how private? Can you tell me who it's for? It's for our granddaughter. Yeah. We're hired by our granddaughter to keep her safe.

And keep her safe, we will. That is our number one job and the only job. And she runs a tight ship. Both of us have been docked four months paid. Oh, no. The same four months? Yes, we had workplace problems.

We couldn't do our job sufficiently. People were approaching our granddaughter. She brought this up to HR. She is HR. It was an open and shut case. Oh, no. So you, too many people were approaching the ground. Where was this in a crowded place or?

The Mojave Desert. So in the middle of nowhere, people are approaching. approaching your granddaughter. You would think. We had that on our side. Very empty place. Very easy. Should have been easy.

Should have been an easy open. Then these two guys in the most elaborate camel costume I've ever seen approached our granddad. How elaborate are we talking? Because you've seen, we talked off Mike about this, you've seen some elaborate camel costumes. But this is the most elaborate one? I didn't think of them come up again. But it was the most realistic camel costume I've ever seen. Two legs up front, human.

Two legs out back, human. But very well done. Two humps, the heads, their heads. Dramadary. Yep. Amazing. A head. Big fat neck.

Spit right in our faces. How did they get that? I don't know. Because their head is in the humps. How did the spit come out of, it was like pre-planned? We don't know, but we rode that. camel around for hours having a blast taking turns it seemed like it was fun for the guys too they never complained we heard people inside of the camel skin being like this is fun we're having a good time and that

should have and that's what was brought up in the HR meeting we should have known because to ride the camel that meant only one of us was watching our granddaughter at a time oh because one of you would ride at one point and then one watched the granddaughter and that is when other people came in so was the camel a distraction like a decoy in order to get you guys away from

turns out yes yes then our granddaughter was approached by a genie I mean great seems like that would be something you'd want I mean did the genie grant her three wishes it wasn't one of the wish jeannie oh no

just a regular genie Like Jeannie Bus? Very similar to the president of the Lakers. Why do you know that? Why wouldn't we know that? We're in the world. Come on. Everybody knows it.

You know who doesn't know it? Our granddaughter. Our granddaughter. Don't tell our granddaughter about Jeannie Bus. Because then she'll want to go to a game and there's a lot of people at these games. Too many people, yeah. So she has hired you. This was not your idea.

She has hired you with her inheritance, I guess, in order to keep people away from her. So this is all her idea. Yes. First, we were doing it pro bono. She liked the job we were doing. She said, let's make this a permanent thing. We get bennies. Benefits?

No, Ben's a dream. Ben's a dream. We gotta stay alert We're wide awake right now I hope so Eyes are peeled Don't be fooled Why I know we look like a couple turtles

But we're swift And we're alert Why do you guys come by here to warn me I feel like I've been getting too close to her or something Maybe you don't understand The reason we come here is to tell you Stay away from our granddaughter It makes more sense to tell you far away from her than close to her.

So do you go to every podcast? Like, do you go to SmartLists and tell those guys? Yes. And how is that? They haven't come near our granddaughter. They respect us. Okay. So I have.

And if we, if they respect us, we respect them. We also go there to promote projects. Like, occasionally we'll promote stuff. What do you have on the horizon? We're releasing a line of dolls. A line of dolls. Wow. Granddaughter decoys.

Grand decoys, we call. Okay, so some GDs. And what are these are basically... We say, get close to our grand decoys. These are dolls you can leave around the park and places. Everybody wants to get close to a granddaughter. So you can buy a grand decoy to let it out on that grand decoy. Let it out?

What is that? You can let it out. All that granddaughter tracking that you want to do, you can do it on the grandee. This is your outlet. You can circle it. You pull a string. It says, get near me. Presumably you already are near.

And it also says, there's a snake in my boots. Why? And math is hard. Okay. I mean, this sounds great. When's this coming to market? What's the MSRP? Uh-huh.

You guys, what stage are you? Are you in the prototype stage? Have you even built one of these things, let alone figure out how to mass-produce them? Okay, you guys are not ready. You should not have gone on Smartlist to talk about this on a podcast. You haven't even made one of them. You're right.

Listen, we're trying out the idea first. We're seeing if there's interest, and then we're going to reverse engineer the actual product. First, we're going to design all the packaging. Okay. In your mind, what does the packaging look like? It's a box with cellophane in the front. Yes. You can see the grand decoy through the cellophane.

Like Barbie. Or, or it's tinfoil and it's suction to it, kind of like a... bunny. Like a chocolate bunny? Like a chocolate bunny? Like a chocolate bunny at Easter. So that you can't, you can't see what it looks like. Right. I mean, this is, I don't, you can see the shape and drawn on the foil is what it looks like on the inside. But it's clearly a little bit wrong because of the foil. That's right. And when you open it up, it kind of doesn't look like the foil at all. It actually looks worse than the foil. It's like when Reese's does a variation on the peanut buttercup for holidays. On the outside, it looks like the shape.

on the inside, it just looks very unfortunate. I think you're better off with the cellophane packaging. Honestly, guys. Wait, if you already made the boxes. You've already bought a bunch of tin foil? Is that what I'm getting here? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, we have too much foil.

How much is too much? We have a surplus of foil. We have 60,000 yards of foil. That's too many yards. We started it with the foil. and then we came up with brand decoy. Why did you buy that much foil in the first place? We came into an inheritance.

Someone's older than you? Our sisters were being protected by our salmon sisters? By our grandfather. Your sisters were being protected by your grandfather, and then who died to give you the inheritance? Both of them. Both of the sisters?

are everyone involved. Absolutely everybody. Our grandfather warned us, stay away from my granddaughter. Your sisters. Our sisters. So we distance ourselves. Of course, we wanted to stay near

our sisters. They were our favorite people in the world. We grew up together. So we bought a bunch of foil. Okay. And well, we didn't know what else to do. We were emotionally bereft

We made an impulse purchase Impulse Yeah, we were targeted We got sold it Somebody was needing to offload a bunch of foil And we liked it one side was shiny And one shied One shied was not

So this gave you some sort of comfort In the fact that you were estranged from your sisters Very briefly Yes And but you said said you bought it because of the inheritance. So how did your grandfather and your sisters perish, if you don't mind me asking? My, our, it's hard to talk about.

Is this tough for us? Our grandfather was so dead set on no one getting near his granddaughters, our sisters. Sure. That he installed a bunch of booby traps in their house. Home alone style? No. No. No.

Worse. Oh, no. What's worse than home alone style? Langley Brothers style. Oh. Yes. They all got caught in their own booby traps. No.

And died of boredom. Because they were so boring the booby traps? No, they were trapped and they had nothing to do. Oh, I see. Okay. So they had plenty of food and water. They couldn't reach the remote. Really?

So they were right next to a tap. They had scores of food, just cans of food. Shores of food. Yards and yards of food. So much food. but wasn't near the remote so they died of boredom. Yeah. They were so close to so many different types of distractions, but they couldn't reach them. They had tons of coloring books just out of reach.

Why did they have so many coloring books? What's wrong with coloring books? Absolutely nothing, sir. There we go. Asked an answer. That's what our granddaughter loves. Your granddaughter loves coloring books. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Why are you talking about our granddaughter? I mean, Mike or Ike or Spike or whichever one you are, you brought a I brought it up. Which one are you? And now I'm spying. And now I'm putting it down. Okay. I apologize. You bit. That's what I'm talking about. That was a test. And that's why you need a grand decoy.

A grand decoy. Grand decoy. I get how much do these run for? Yeah. We got one for you right now. Oh. MSRP. That's a lot of form. We know what it means. Yeah. Okay.

$34,998. That's more than a mid-sized sedan. Let me take the foil off of it and show you. All right. Because we know you want to ask questions. Sure. I'd like to see it without the... Talk to them about their coloring books.

Sure. Why are there so many layers of foil? Because we have a lot of foil. We have so much. This shied. This shied is shiny. As you can shine. That shied is not.

It's obviously way smaller than what you're advertising it as, because they're are approximately 10. We never said anything about the size. We never talked about the size on Smartless. What did you talk about on Smartless? We talked about... Sean Hayes is Broadway. That's right.

Shouldn't he talk about that? Why would you be talking about it? Foods we can't have in the house or we eat all of them immediately. That's, of course, Jason Bateman's line of interest. Being wealthy. Yes. All the three of them. Okay.

Got it. well look okay so now you've you've just peeled back the 11th layer of foil I can see the the doll now the grand decoy okay

and grand decoy is spelled the three for the E and a zero with a line through it like what like do you know what Megan is oh oh

you guys should check out Megan I mean it's is that someone's granddaughter because we won't We won't. Listen to the way. Listen to us. We won't go near anybody's granddaughter. If you're tricking us into going next to somebody's granddaughter named Megan,

we're not going to do it. So anyone who is a granddaughter, you pledge to never even be near them. We pledge. We pledge. We pledged. And we pled your granddaughter. We took the granddaughter's pledge. All right. So here's the... Let's recite it right now.

Oh, okay. Yeah. I pledge allegiance to my granddaughter. I shall have no other granddaughters before me. If you are a granddaughter, I'm back in a way. One, two, three steps at least. Because being near, Any granddaughter other than my own is a sin and God shall cast me into a lake of fire. Amen.

Wow. That's the granddaughter oath. Did we say? What did you say? Did we study? I stuttered when I said, did we stutter? Answer the question. Did we say it?

Yes, you did actually right then. Did we shui? Well, unfortunately we studied when I said that. Yeah, that kind of lessons the impact of the did we stutter thing. I put my finger out and pointed it at you. If you want to be able to us, do it away from our grandkids. Exactly. I'll do it wherever I want.

as long as it's not around your grand. Be ableist anywhere. Be ableist. D. Don't. C. Come near our granddaughter. So B, A, B, C.

Yeah. Okay. Always remember. B. A. B. C. C. Come near. Okay. B A C.

D. D. No, it was B.A. B. A. C. Come near. D, our daughter. Don't. Don't.

You know this. We've been over this. Yes. We've been over a thousand times. Oh, my God. Look at that camel. Oh, it's back. That's the most elaborate one I've ever seen.

Oh, my God, I want to ride. He's got a little Fezz on. We better not. Well, you'll tell you what. Why don't we take a break? You guys can go hop on the camel for a while. Really? During the break.

You swear. I swear. Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Yes. We'll take a break. Can you guys stick around? We have a receptionist coming.

Yes. In our next segment. So this is very exciting. We'll meet anyone who stays away from our grand do. All right. We're going to come right back with more Ike and Spike Mink Salmon. Plus a receptionist, happy wet day, everyone. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

Comedy Bang Bang! We're back. Scott Ackerman here. of I can spike mink salmon. Now during the break... Stay away from our ground. No, no, no. During the break, you guys hopped on that...

You thought it was a camel. But what did it turn out to be, actually? It turned out to be one guy with a mannequin. Was it a mannequin, at least, that came to life, like that movie series? No. Just regular store mannequin. Drag in the back legs. Didn't make any sense.

And we fell for it. Very hard to ride. But you guys did it. It wasn't fun. No. And you didn't hear anyone underneath you saying this is fun, I'm enjoying this? No. In fact, we heard someone saying, hey, why are you doing anything?

He was clearly tricked. The second camel guy bailed and put a mannequin there and tricked the guy up front and said, I'll be right behind you. But it was clear once he was riding us that he didn't have a partner. He was writing you. So you guys switched at a certain point. We ended up in the camel costume. And a mannequin was on top of you. A mannequin and a man was riding us inside of the camel costume.

The mannequin had the reins and it didn't go well. Well, this all happened during the break. I'm sorry we weren't recording during it, but a lot of fun. A lot of fun. A lot of fun. A lot of fun. A lot of fun. Even though I know you said you didn't have fun.

No. But now we decided to. It was fun. Now that nostalgia has set it. We had some time to think about it. Turns out we had a good time. Sometimes, when things are hard, in retrospect, you think they were fun. You get perspective with distance, the kind of distance you need to maintain from our grandda.

I promise I'm not going to be around your granddaughter. I don't think I've ever even been in the same general vicinity as your granddaughter. Promise is kept. All right, great. You're alive, right? I mean, is that, but you've been threatening me. If you're alive, you haven't gotten close enough to our grand. You'll know.

You'll know. You'll know when you wake up dead. So wait a minute, your granddaughter might be in like a funeral home or a graveyard or something, because that's where all the dead people are. It looks like hurt that because people go down when they're nearer. It inevitably turns into a graveyard or a funeral home type of situation. Yeah, you'll find yourself in a Transylvania Trenchcoat. What is that again?

A cement shoes. A coffin. A coffin. Oh, a Crancylvania. It's a coffin. Got it, got it, got it, got it. Okay. And that's because that was, that's a phrase from back when Dracula days, I guess.

Who's Dracula? You don't know who Dracula or Megan is? Uh, uh, whose granddaughter is named Dracula. That's a beautiful. beautiful name for a granddaughter it's beautiful dracula what is your granddaughter's name don't the last thing don't the last thing don't the last thing don't the last thing if you want i if i was you you you guys are glitching like megan what you do it what you do it right now don't okay all right i don't i i don't know anything about i i had no interest in your

granddaughter. Keep it that one. Before you came on the show, I have certainly less interest now. Forget everything you know about our granddaughter right now. Forget everything you heard. Snap your fingers.

Let a coconut fall on your head. Get amnesia. Yes. Whatever it takes. Fall down. Get hypnotized. Anything. Eternal sunshine yourself.

Sure. Whatever I can do. Men in black. Men in black. The neuralizer. Yes. Do it. Look for it.

Buy it. Buy it. Get it. Love it. You're going to love the way. Take care of it. You're going to love the way you look away from our granddaughter. All right.

Well, Mike and I'm sorry, I can spike her here. And let's get to our next guest. She's a receptionist. Please welcome to the show for the first time. I have September. Please welcome. I have September 30 news. Please welcome.

Parker is here. If you're willing to do it on your lunch break. Carolyn, I understand lunch can be hard too. I love to. I had macaroni and manis this morning for my lunch and I know I wanted, I wanted that for mine. So if lunch is not good, I can do 1 p.m. as well. Carolyn. Carolyn Parker is here. Carolyn. That's fine. Hold on, excuse me. I, sorry. Yes. So 1 p.m. on September 3rd. We'll see. see you with Dr. Beecher. Dr. Beecher will see you then. No, I will, I can't wait to see you.

I can't wait to see you too. Please tell the boys I said hi. I know. They like, they still love sledding. They love sledding. She really cares about the patient. Snow sledding. They love that.

Carr. Didn't sledding. Okay. Well, tell them I said hi. And don't, and remember, they can have sweet so you just got a brush you don't have to brush all your teeth just the ones you want to keep okay okay Dustin see you then care I'm so sorry it's it's quite all right you're you're a receptionist so you're in the middle you're a work I'm a receptionist for tombs and

beach of dentistry over in Burbank oh okay how are you I'm great uh Scott Ackerman the host of the show welcome to the show welcome to comedy bang bang and thank you for having me this is Ike and Spike? Thank you. Hi. Hello. Hi, Iken Spike. What's the name of your dentist office? It's Tunes and Beacha Dentistry and we do full service and we get it. Once you're a client, if you see our granddaughter and you beat you're going to end up in a tomb. Oh, well, he, I'll tell you this. Every, all, all, all children, how old is your granddaughter? Granddaughter age. Granddaughter age. I know that. Yeah, so she would need to, she's probably just losing, just losing molars? Has she lost their molars? She's only lost molars. Everything else is intact.

She's got most of her fronts and she's lost only molars. But don't get near her. Can you give her, can you help her teeth without getting near? Of course. I'd love to have her come in and meet Dr. Beecher. I'll send you the teeth. I primarily walk. Yeah, do you ever do that where people mail in their teeth and they, and the dentist works on them and sends them back? Of course we do. Of course we do. We're full service. We're full service dentistry.

So somebody, some people will UPS their teeth into us and we will work on them and then we'll send them back. What about D.HL Express? Actually, I was wrong and I forgive me. We only use D.HL Express. That's good news. Do you? Is that what you guys use or? No.

No. That's fine. But you've been looking to start an account. Yeah. We're waiting to see if we can accept it. We like the yellow and the red. The yellow and the red. Chatship and mustard.

And what grade is your wonderful? Granddaughter, and I have to assume she's just gorgeous. She's the light of our lives. Oh, I love that. I love that. She's just gorgeous. You're asking a lot of questions about our granddawn.

Oh, I think that's. So wonderful. Two grandfathers, you're two grandfathers that just adore their grand... You're getting too close to us, okay? Are there rules about being close to you, too? You're going to get hurt. Emotionally. If you get too close to us. We'll avoid an attachment style. I think you're both very attractive.

We know. We know. We're hit on constantly. That's our curse. Well, a nail knows it needs to be pounded, but you still have to slam it with a ham. Oh my God. Right? Am I right? Now you're saying we know we need to be pounded with a hammer But sometimes a hammer is just a nice thing you say. Carolyn, you're nasty. You're nasty.

I listen, I've lived a life. You're a dirty lady. I've lived a life and now I'm behind a counter and I help people have their teeth cleaned, but trust me, I've lived my life. Really? What did you do before you were a a receptionist at tombs and uh well no i've been as i've worked behind the the counter for a long time but i've lived my life if that makes sense i've gone i go out i still go out really what do you do for fun i'll go out and get um have do you know the drink the manhattan yeah it's uh it's named after that city in new york right after the the great island of new york city sure I will have I'll have seven or eight of those in a half hour in a half hour that's too many

well I won't drink them all at once no no sequentially even that's too many I would say right over a half hour yeah I mean I would I would feel better if you were to pour all of those into one giant big gul cup oh well and like just sip it over the over a few hours it's nice to know you care about me one time I saw this comedy show where a guy drank four pints of Guinness and a half hour and I think that was a big mistake I saw that yeah has he ever recovered for that he shouldn't have done that I think I think actually I watched that once you all right Carolyn what's going on hold on I have a frog in my throat don't cough on our

great don't be careful can the tennis help with that I have a frog in my throat hold on a second I think you probably got it at this point. Okay. Oh, God. So one of the things I'm doing here today is to find out what your tooth health is. Oh, sure. How do you, how, is there a quiz we can take or, or do you need us to open up our mouths and you take? Why don't you have to?

Do you know one of the biggest? Why don't they shorten tooth health to tooth? Well, that's a great idea. I could bring you on with Dr. Beach and maybe have you talked to him a little bit about that. Make sure it's on the phone because we don't want him near our granddaughter. He's not going to come near your granddaughter. I promise you. That's what all the dentists say.

They wear masks. And then all of a sudden, they're putting that little thing on with the chain on our granddaughter, and we're having to get crazy. We'd like to take your word for it, but we've been burned too many times. Wait a minute. What did you say? They put the what on? The little napkin with the chain.

The little napkin with the chain. You work in a dentist office. you must see these all the time. I've never been. You've never been back behind into the offices? Never had a check-up in my life. That explains. It's not a frog in your throat.

I think it's one of your teeth. I think you just coughed out a tooth. I thought you had dyed your teeth, but it turns out it's just the plaque. You thought she had dyed her teeth black. Do you know how hard? Do you know how hard it is to run? To not have teeth and eat. No, that's easy.

That's easy. You just have to pick the right foods. And that's a big part of- Wet Day soup is the meal. I love soup. Cold soups, hot soups, warm soups. Warm soups. Yeah.

Warm soups. Sure. That's in between. What's your favorite warm soup? Minestrone. Minestrone. I love a warm. I warm minestrone.

That must be difficult for you to eat, though, because you have no teeth. Why is that? Because of the beans. Yeah, and the little bits of pasta and the beef. You know, because they're little. You said it yourself, they're just little. They're little bits.

I, you know, I worry about you. My friend Henry Heimlich might need to come visit you at some point in order to. Oh, to get the tooth and the beans out of my throat. So you have teeth and beans in your throat right now? You just sat here and you witnessed me handle that situation with grace, I thought. And a plum. Yeah, thank you. I'm fine.

How are you going to check our tooth health? Okay. So one of the ways we check tooth health is by the stink of your breath. Okay. Do you guys know how your breaths smell? What's the scale? What on the scale of what to what? Well, I would say number one is beautiful breath.

They call it the horses whisper. Okay. Why? Well, I didn't come up with it. But the horse, the horse is a beautiful. Are you curious? Well, I've learned. It was my first question.

Dr. Beecher does not allow me to ask a lot of questions. What about Dr. Toon? He's vet. He allows curiosity all day long. Maybe you should ask him, why you're staying away from our granddaughter. It's a great idea. I will ask him. In fact, I'll call him right now.

Let me call him. Oh, yeah. Do you want to put it on the, on the speaker? Yeah, okay. Put it on the glass. I'll cause, Dr. You know Sir Mix a lot. Dr. T.

He stayed away from our grid. Oh, we did. What a nice. Hello. Excuse me. Is this Dr. Tum? Hi. Gourley.

Hi. Very unprofessional. That's my nickname is Gurley. Everybody around the office calls me Gurley. Oh, okay. I know. Why are you telling you that? Dr.

Toom, why did they call? No, I'm sorry. I'm talking with some other people right now. I'm working remotely today, Dr. Toom. Maybe there's two Dr. Toom's. I'm not abusing it. You know I wouldn't do that. Do you know why they called Good Breath the horse's whisper?

Yes. Okay, thank you. Thank you. Okay. No, you were supposed to ask why. Not if he knew. I'll call him back. I didn't you never said that yes we never said that

you said to add and I feel like you're stinky I girly don't respond to that hi hi hi it's girly stand up for yourself hey I meant to ask I didn't clarify why is it that they call good breath the horses whisper some people were curious here that might be signing up for services oh okay yeah I'd love to have some new folks coming through the office. You know, as far as the horse's whisper goes, you want to make sure that you're not getting too much of that horse breath

because if you get too much, it's bad. So if you just get a little bit of a whisper, it's a good breath. That's it. That's what they, that's the reasoning behind it. That's it. So a horse breath is bad. And as long as you only have a whisper. I didn't come up.

That's a very well. Well, that's what I told them. I said I didn't come up with it and they got mad at me. So I said I'd call you. Do you know who came up with it? Oh, the Zoroastrians. Okay, thank you. Wow. Dr. Toom?

That's Dr. Toom's. We don't talk a ton. And he has a brother as well, so it's Toombs? Beecher's, Dr. Beecher is his brother. Okay, but why is it Toombs in Beecher? Tumes, because they took different names. They took, each of them took their wives. Okay, so it's Toombs, parentheses, Beecher. it's tombs and beecher dentistry

why did you call him dr tomb that's what we're trying to get at why is he tomb on the phone and tomb's awesome because I felt like either way I was interrupted before I got to the S is it kind of like a little oh you were interrupted

I was interrupted do you want to call him back and clarify that I'll call him back but he knows it's dark it's tombs we are approaching you abusing working remotely. Oh, no. I'm sorry. I had one last question for you. Dr. Tooms. Tumes. Tumes, right? It is Tumes. Why are, why do you have a different name than your brother, Dr. Beecher? Oh, I'm a feminist. Okay. Thank you. Okay. Great. Okay. Well, I consider myself to be one, too, so we have a lot in common, it sounds like. He makes me, he made me, he said, on the day he put me behind me,

the desk he said you set it up the way you want it to be set up and I'll tell you what are some of the unique ways that you've set it up we have a TV that is always running big trouble and little China

it's kind of I mean it's a great movie but it could be considered culturally inappropriate especially with the sound down we have magazines all over the place I put, Which magazines?

Mad magazine. Teachers digest. They need things to be digested for? Gabriel's, Gabriel's son. Gabriel's son magazine? Gabriel's son has a magazine. Have you?

Oh, you have to. I'm also surprised the angel has a son. To be honest. Yeah, what was Gabriel like before he became an angel, I wonder? Was it like some dude, some caveman down on earth? I get you. I will call an angel. I'm not the most religious guy in the world, but I don't think that's ever how it worked.

I mean, we become angels supposedly. Hi, sorry, what was Gabriel's... You have to say, say, call me by your name. What was Gabriel like before he became an angel? You know, as far as I know, I think he was a good guy, which is how he got the promotion. That's as far as you know. Yeah, I mean, you know, I haven't done all. the reading.

I don't think this guy will you read and call me back? Please. Yeah, please read something about this. Okay, thank you. Thank you, Dr. Toom. But was it? We didn't interrupt you.

Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Thank you. Okay, good. So we have a bunch of magazines. I put gum out all over the place. I put cookies. I put hot, hot cookies.

Gov magazines. Hot cookies? Hot cookies on plates. Like scalding hot? Too hot to eat. Yeah. Yeah. Too hot to eat cookies.

How do you ensure they're always too hot to eat? I measure them against my warm minestrone. If I know my minestrone is right next to them, the minestrone starts as cold soup. I put it next to the scalding hot cookies, and it warms up just enough to eat the minestrone. When you have the wedding soup, do you like a lot of little meatballs or just a few? Is that what wedding soup is? Did I stutter? Wait, you say it too.

What about you? wedding soup I think we were asking you to say did I stutter I forgot Ike or Spike which one are you oh wait I Spike

hello hey it's Gurley no Hey girlie I just did some reading on the archangel Gabriel and you're not going to like what I read What happened? Oh no Turns out before he was promoted to an angel He was a terrible gossip

Oh Oh, wow. It's a huge gossip. He spread, that sounds like Susan in the office. Are you kidding me? It sounds exactly like Susan, except we're never going to be promoting her to. I'm in an angel position. Am I right, girl?

You have to tell him to stop. This guy hates me of it. God decided to make him the divine messenger because he was already talking to everyone. Oh, my God. Wow. Dr. Tooms, this is very sexy. Isn't the Bible very, very sexy? Yes.

I don't think we should be listening to this conversation. I mean, the sexiest of religious texts. Good night. Good night. Two in the afternoon. Oh, he's not in Burbank right now. Oh, oh, he's, where is he? He's in Maui, I think.

Okay, this is even earlier there. He said you were working remotely. Wait, yeah, where is the office base? You said it was Burbank. You caught me. Oh, no. Oh, no. What's the real story?

What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? No. Who are you really? No, I am really. Oh, you're pretty much that. Everything is true except for-

Everything's true except he's not in Maui. Where is he? Dr. Tooms and I have been seeing each other. He's at my, he's at my ADU. He's in your ADU. Do you live in the A-D-U? to you or it's a small house behind your house. No, I live there.

Who lives in the big house? Dr. Beecher. His brother. Okay. You guys are keeping it a secret. Does he know about the affair? Yes. Dr. Beecher.

Dr. Beecher knows about it and he's okay with it. So what's the problem? You know, I've never thought about it that way. Why are you hiding in from us? I never thought about it that way. No one cares. Hold on a second. Dr. Beecher.

He's single. Dr. Toombs are not married to each other. No, Dr. Toombs is single. So it doesn't make it okay that he doesn't care. Yeah. What about Dr. Toombs's wife? Dr. Toombs doesn't have a wife. Then it's not an affair. You're dating.

And it kind of makes the girly thing slightly better. Unless you're married. Still distasteful to my. I hope you're not married. I am not married. Well, then you're fine. No. I am not married.

I am not interested. Why is it your ADU if Dr. Beecher lives in the big house? He sold it to me. He sold you the ADU. Yes. Okay. It's like a half number. A what?

The address is a half. Did you stutter? Wait. What do you mean? Wedding soon. Did I stutter? He is your address a half? Does that make sense?

sense. Oh, I see what you're saying. Someone in this room stuttered and we're not leaving until we find out who it was. No, I get all my mail from his mail area. Okay, so it's not a legal area. It's not a legal area. And I also get anything sent to me. My, I love making my mail area feel good.

You got to be kind to your mail area. He has a beautiful male area. Do you know how much a dentist makes per year? Yes. Per annum? Yeah. What are we talking of? Fiscal year?

Yeah. No idea. How much? MSRP. No, I'm curious. I don't know. I'm trying to... You're trying to figure it out.

I'm trying to figure it out. Do you want to get married to Dr. Toom? I wish he would ask me. At times, I've thought about asking him if he'll marry me, but it feels so untraditional for a 75-year-old woman. You're 75. years old. Oh, okay. You're not 75 women.

I'm not 75 women. In a camel costume. No. Oh, my God. But I love camels. If we've been had by another camel. Don't get our hope so. Doesn't look like a camel to me.

Do you know a camel can survive over two days? Do you know? What? Yes. Camels can survive over two days? Yeah. That's not a fact. Their life expectancy is.

probably that's a myth they all die that myth was busted on the show they brought a camel on and watched it die in real time in under two days it was a 24 hour episode of myth busters it's because they're all smoking though

also the one guy's crazy mustache grew two feet long do you know what's inside a camel's hump more camel a little tiny camel it's wet it's a wet it's a pocket of Camels. It's a pocket of fluid. The wetter.

My friend Paul F. Tompkins and I were talking about before is it's not fish. It's camels because they have big sacks of wet. Big sacks of wet. It's true. Even though they live in one of the driest environments. Oh my God. What was that? What was that noise?

What was that noise? Did you just get an alert on your phone from your boyfriend? No, that wasn't from your boyfriend? That wasn't for me. By the way, you, I mean, there's a little bit of a power imbalance, you know, dating your boss who could technically fire you at any time. A imbalance. But I think it's fine for you guys. I mean, you've alerted everyone at the office.

It seems like it's okay. You can just be honest about it. I know, but I'd have to give up my position behind the desk and everything. Did you hear that? You just coughed up four more teeth. You've got to fix your teeth. The smell test. is bad.

You're failing it from a great distance. Your tooth health is at an all time bad. Check your tooth. I don't want to lose my position as the receptionist. Why do you have? Everyone knows about you, though. So it sounds like you already would have lost it if... No, he told me if we continue, I have to leave.

Oh, wait. So it's okay with him as long as it ends now? Yeah. When did he tell you this? just before he whispered it while he was on the phone with me. You didn't hear that? Oh, wait, so Tooms whispered this to you, not Beecher? I'll have him say it.

It sounds like he just doesn't want to date you anymore. What he said. You're calling him again? Hey, girlie. It's kind of okay. I've gotten used to me. I explain to them how we're dating and that you're going to make me give up my job as a receptionist. It's a conflict of interest for you to be doing both.

And, you know, if you don't want to give up the job, then you don't have to. But then we're not going to be together. You're telling me we want to be. I want to be with you. You want to be with me all the different ways. Okay. You want to see my male parts. What?

Yeah. I mean, you've been hiding them for a long time. No, your male parts. Yeah. And my, my mail parts are, the parts I grab your male part. You know what I'm... Yeah.

Male and female parts. You know how to fix this, right? Of course. You know, there's parts of me that are female parts, and those are the parts that are going to reach out to your parts. God, Dr. Toom. Look, all of this is fairly inappropriate if you're still going to be working the reception desk. But I feel like I'm trying to decide. whether I'm going to marry you.

You should make this choice here on the air. We'd like to know your answer. Are you going to marry Dr. Tooms? I don't know, Dr. Tooms. Are you going to marry me? I'm on one knee right now. Whoa. I'm going to crack up.

Will you, well, what, well, then ask me. Will you spend the rest of what little life you have left to be? Make him say your name. It's a proposal. I love you. Say my name. Say my name. Girlie,

you want to ask? In the proposal. Caroline, Anna Parker, will you my wife? No. I don't think he does. No.

He doesn't know your name. He doesn't know your name. Do not marry him. Don't marry. I'm not going to, I'm not going to marry him. I've decided I'm already married to the clients. Yes.

Of the dental office. Look, you can, men come and go a good job. Those are hard to find. This economy? Scott, men come and go. Yes. But a good dental clientele?

Mm-mm. That's precious. No. You're going to hold on to that. Take the clients. I'm going to take the clients. Are you a dentist? I'm going to keep the hot cookies.

I'm going to keep the looping of big trouble and little China on a VHS cassette. I would suggest maybe getting rid of that. No. What about teachers digest? Gabriel's son magazine? Those have to stay. Do you imagine what people would do without them? It's a good point.

No, I'm staying with them. All right. Well, I'm glad that we came to a decision here. I'm sorry you're not going to be, you know, reaching out to his mail parts and vice versa. He'll still let me reach out to his mail parts. Trust me. I know Dr. Toome. No one interrupted.

There was. Okay. He got it in under the wire. Well, guys, we are running. out of time, unfortunately. We really only have time for one final feature on this wet day spectacular, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs.

Keep on plugging your stuff. Keep on plugging your stuff. Keep on plugging yourself. The stuff to plug to plug that stuff. Keep on plugging your stuff. Keep on plugging your stuff. Keep on plugging yourself. This stuff to plug that stuff.

Oh, yeah, beautiful. That was Stuff Plug by Jonathan Blake. Beautiful. Gorge. We loved it. All right, guys, what are we plugging? I can spike. You must have some things you want to plug here.

How about it? This is your time to shine. We're going to be headlining granddaughter fest. Oh, my God. This is a festival, a music festival with all granddaughters is the headliners? It's no music. It's just granddaughters and no one's invited. And you're headlining it, even though you're not granddaughters.

Stay away from granddaughter fest. How are you going to make money on this? Seems like another bad business idea. We're losing $100,000 and 200 yards of foil. Did you stutter? Did I sit? Would it, soup. Anything else you want to plug?

There's got to be some television shows, perhaps, or maybe live events that you want to go out. There's a website I like to. visit because it's got so many links. Is it hackclames8.com? No, that's a very famous website. This is a little known website called Paul F. Tompkins.com

slash varietopia. And this has links to buy tickets for all of the entire tour of Varietopia, which is starting, kicking off very soon, is it not? April 23rd in Iowa City, Iowa. Wow, incredible. And this is an incredible

night at the theater. Incredible. You can take your loved one. But don't take our granddaughter. Okay. She stays away from all shows. What did she do for fun? A winter bedtime.

Don't even ask. Okay, all right. I know that was cutting it close. You tried to sneak one in during plugs. You're not getting in. What about you, Spike Arike? Go to big grande website.com and check out the new series, county fair. Okay, wow. It's a 10 episode series and all the scenes take place at a county fair. And there's no granddaughters. Oh, good. Okay. Fantastic. So you can go near it. You can go absolutely near it and download it. How about you, Carolyn? Do you have anything that you want to plug here?

I want to take. Why are you playing this? That is my son's company. Burger King? Yes. Why? He owns Burger King? I've never been. He owns it and I wanted to plug that friend. Okay, but why are you working at 75 years old?

Very late reveal of not only a son, but a previous relationship and the fact that the son owns Burger King. He's running. Please support him. You could have just said he owns Burger King. You didn't have to play the commercial. What does he need help? Support him. He's doing a fun drive right now.

What kind of fun drive? A fun drive. You can call and support his... Call where? You can donate. Call 310 98040-40-0-40-53 and you can support Burger King. What kind of messages do you want people to leave? They're trying to get off the ground.

He's trying to get the business off the ground. Maybe pictures of burgers. send they have a whopper yeah send burger pictures each burger picture that he gets he supposedly he's able to sell that on the internet okay great it is great scott i hope you mean he's flipping pictures of burgers he buys them then he flips them for a little more he flips them like he flips the burgers so he'll sell them and by the way if you want also if you want to buy a picture of a He will sell you pictures of burgers as well. Okay, wonderful.

I want to plug, hey, head over to Comedy Bang Bang World or CBBWorld.com. You can get the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang, every single episode we've ever recorded as well as all of the live episodes. All ad-free. We also have other shows up there like we have Ad-Free Freedom. We have Scott hasn't seen with Sprague the Whisper and myself. We also have The Neighborhood Listen just started their new season. I believe this week, if not.

April 1st. April 1st, that's right. College Town. So much great. CBB presents. Hey, Randy. So much great stuff over there. And speaking of Randy,

we also have Randy and Carissa. Action Figures are still on sale. You can get them available for customers worldwide at figurecollections.com with free shipping with the U.S. address. Or in Europe with a cheaper import fee at actionfigureseller.com. I'm okay. I just feel bad about breaking up. Hey, I'm not letting go. Well, I'm letting go.

It's just hard. Somebody told me today that I have to come in for a cleaning. And I'm like, who am I going to have to clean my teeth any? Like, you're the only one I would trust with my teeth. Well, I'm still going to go in there. In where? Your mouth. Stop it.

He doesn't know your name. You know. Burger King. Get out. You don't need this. If you've got any caramel corn or any of the concessions that you keep in the waiting room, I'm going to get it out of your mouth. You have caramel corn as well as hot cookies?

It's going to be as good as a horses. Do you think they asked me if we should keep teachers digest in the waiting room? I mean, I think that would be great for your son. Orinsburger. Hang up with this guy and never go back to the office. All right. I'm coming over. New rule of one.

Don't pick up the phone. I'll see you. You know Deolipa? Stay away from Duolipa. Oh, wait, does Dea Lipa your granddaughter? We're just fans. But stay away. She will be a granddaughter fest.

Dr. Toon, what's in wedding soup? She's opening granddaughter. Aft. Italian wedding soup is a granddaught. like little meatballs. How many? How many? You know, depending on how big your ladle is, I would say.

That's the two. You're a pervert. You're a pervert. All right, hang up. Hang up the phone. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Just yeah. Just yeah.

Just yeah. Just yeah. Just yeah. Just yeah. I'm to close it up. Just yeah. All right. That was closed the plug.

Plugback dude by Evaser. Thank you so much to Evaser. If you have a plugs theme, head over to CBBWorld.com slash plugs. And guys, I want to thank you so much. I can spike. Always wonderful to see you. I'm kind of suspecting

that you have some sort of connection to do Aleppo here that she might actually be your round daughter. Oh, no. That was like, Invasion of the body snatchers or something. Granddaughter.

Oh, my God. And Carolyn, look, I drop Dr. Tooms. I mean, your son owns Burger King. You don't need him. You don't have to. You don't need him. You don't have to brush all your teeth, just the ones you want to keep. And maybe he's one of the teeth I don't want to keep.

Yes, let him rot. In your mouth. Tie him piece of string to him and slam the door. That's good words for any day. but especially for wet day here. I want to wish you all a merry wet day. Many urcles to all of you. Thanks for celebrating here with us.

Really appreciate it. Are you guys about to get as wet as you can be? We're giving each other flumes and we're going to the water park. Wow! This is incredible. A wet day miracle. What about you, Carolyn? Do you want to join us?

You already know. I'm headed over to tombs right now. You know how wet I'm going to be. Don't. All right. We'll see it next time. Thanks. Bye.