Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Zach Galifianakis, Charlie McCrackin, Lisa Gilroy

Episode Date: February 10, 2025

Zach Galifianakis, star from the hit series "Baskets," joins Scott to discuss his new movie "Lilo & Stitch," why he should know Dread Zeppelin, and who really hates Silicon Valley anyway? Then a representative from the IQ department drops in to give Zach and Scott a test, Inspector Jack Cates stops by while continuing his search for Ganz, and paganist Shrunkenhead Babywitch pops in to promote her work on "Wicked."  Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb 

A man, a plan, a canal, Panama? More like con man, no plan, a band, Iowa. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Hmm, thank you to Grok the Good Witch, Grok the Good Witch for that catchphrase submission. Don't know if that's going to stick. It's a little long, but the hunt continues. But welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. My name is Scott Aukerman.

I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. We have an exceptional show today. We have an actor slash a hyphenate, I would say. Wow. We'll just call him a hyphenate. No, I'm talking about you. Oh. Are you as impressed now?

No. Okay. Not at all. We have a hyphenate, we have an inspector, a police inspector, we also have a paganist on the show. So a lot of great people on the show today, but let's talk to the hyphenate first. Let's see how many parts of this hyphen we can come up with. We have actor, we have comedian, father, husband.

Social critic. Social critic. Scrablist. Scrablist, raconteur. Yeah. You've told me at least one story. Yep. I think you stole it from Aesop's Fables,

but I'm not sure. Gardener. Gardener, that's right, you're the constant Gardener. I like the Gardener. Although you take story. Yep. I think you stole it from Aesop's Fables, but I'm not sure. Gardener. Gardener, that's right. You're the constant Gardener. I like the Gardener. Although you take breaks. Sometimes. You're the semi-constant Gardener.

I can't be that constant. That's right. Because growing season's not that long. That's true. Are we in the middle of growing season right now? No. You're not. Take a look down here.

Anyway, let's welcome him. You know him as the... Star, the titular hangover. I've done other things. In the Hangover Trilogy. He also apparently has done other movies. That is a surprise to me. Please welcome Zach Alifanac, he's back to the show.

Hello, Zach. Thank you. Thanks, Scott, for having me. Wonderful to have you. Is it a prerequisite to be familiar with the show, to participate in the show? Well, you have been on it approximately, I'm gonna guess, 10 times. Probably.

And you were on the TV show five times, once a season. Really? That's right, so when you asked me why Weird Al was on the poster that I have over here, it confused me because you were on an episode with him. Yeah. You know, when you've because you were on an episode with him. Yeah. You know, when you've done so many projects. Talking to the mic, I've done so many projects

over the years that it's hard to tell us. No, I do now remember weird Albie in there, now that you say that. Yeah, that was a lot of fun. It was. We had such a good time. Yeah, nice man. A very nice man.

Very, very nice man. And you as a man are, you're in the ballpark. Of being nice? Yeah, which is where you want to be if you're in the ballpark. Of being nice? Yeah, which is where you wanna be if you're playing baseball. Sure. Imagine you get a job playing baseball,

you get up in the morning, you brush your teeth, you wash your pits, you get dressed in your outfit, your little baseball outfit, you drive your Camaro or whatever you're driving to work. You step out of work, you look around, you realize you're in an office building, you're not in a ballpark. There's a long way to go for what point?

You're in the ballpark of being nice, my friend. That's where you wanna be. Thank you, thank you for having me. Zach, you came here with nothing to promote. You have no projects. You have nothing on the horizon, you were telling me, you're semi-retired perhaps. I mean, there are a couple things that I have working, but I don't know when they come out.

You don't know when they come out? Well, one of them I know comes out in May. In May? Yes. We're not that far off from May. What are we talking about here? No, a movie. Movie.

Yeah, I haven't seen it so I don't. I'm making the rectangle with my thumb and forefingers. We're not doing it. Ew, talent scout on the side? That's right, I'm doing an aspect ratio thing. I get this a lot. This is how it was discovered. Someone just put the rectangle up to your face.

I gotta have this kid. What is this movie? Tell us about it. Frames per second, 24? It's a remake, because this town is out of ideas. Okay, talk into the mic. It's called Lilo and Stitch.

Oh, that's right, Lilo and Stitch, a favorite in our household. Have you seen it? Yes, of course. I saw it opening weekend, then I've seen it recently, because as a family, we watch it sometimes. I've never seen it. Never seen it. You've never seen it, because as a family we watch it sometimes, huh? I've never seen it never seen it. You've never said so you didn't do any research at all. I didn't want to I didn't want to

work I didn't want to I Didn't want to bruise my performance by seeing the original. Yeah, I wanted to keep it Are you a lot like Christopher Walken who crosses out all the punctuation in his lines? He does? Because he doesn't want anyone telling him how to say the word. I saw a headline that he's never had a cell phone.

Interesting. Yeah, that was a headline. You should buy him one. Nope, I think it's smart. I think it's smart not to have one. Just a big, in a box with a big bow on it. To Christopher from Zack. You have other guests. I do, but I love talking to you.

Oh, okay, keep going then. That's right, so you're in Lilo and Stitch, you play, I think you were telling me you're one of the aliens, right? Like the captain or? Yes, yeah, one of, his name's Jumbo. Are you the one Kevin McDonald played or the other one? Which is the heavier one?

You know, the other one. Yeah. Is this a green screen kind of thing? Scott, great question. Great question. Thank you so much. It's both. It's animated and it's also live action.

So your character gets animated, but you also see the human version of me. So were you ever wearing the mocap suit with all the ping pong balls on it and all that kind of stuff? I don't think so. No, I don't think I ever wore that. No, I don't think so, no. I don't think I ever wore that. No, I don't think I did. So you just showed up to work in street clothes.

And they're like, he's as fat as the character. We're good. Well, this is exciting. Lilo and Stitch comes out in May. I mean, this is gonna be a huge, huge movie, I think. Good. Yeah, and you need one, quite honestly. We've been wanting one.

Let's check out this. Yeah, let's check out this resume. What's been going on with Zach recently? Let's see. I didn't know this was part of this. Yeah, let's check out. I have other things in my life that are not business related that I'm more proud of.

Well, we'll get to personal life. Oh. Filmography. It's a long interview already. 2024, something called Winner. And Thelma the Unicorn. That's it? That's it.

2023, The Beanie Bubble. That's it? That's it. Yeah. 2022? Everything's come to a screeching halt. The Bob's Burgers movie, which I assume is a cameo. Yeah. 2021, Ron's Gone Wrong. Yeah, remember that one? These are all children's movies. Yeah. Is it for, I mean...

We need a hit. We need a hit. We need a hit bad. You sound exactly like me when I look at the mirror in the morning. You know what you were really great in though, and I haven't talked to you about this, but- Comedy bang bang. Comedy bang bang, yes, but only murders in the building. You were in this last season. I thought you added some incredible levity to what could be a very scary show. Yes.

With so many murders taking place. Yes. You were sort of the comic relief of that. Okay. Barely had any lines. Barely. You were very funny. I thought the montage of you with Martin Short was a lot of fun.

You know him? Have you met him? I've never met him. He's one of my favorites. Beautiful man. Yeah. Beautiful man. Really, it was fun where he went in.

Tell us some stories about Steve and Martin. I'm private that way. You're private? Really, you don't want to tell any stories? Do you want to tell any stories? Do you want to tell stories about just, do you want to just recap some of their movies? Sure. Yeah, tell us the plot to The Jerk.

Well, Martin Short's not in The Jerk. All right, Three Amigos. Okay, Three Amigos is about these, I think, in Mexico it's called Trace Friends. So you won the Mexican version? I won the Mexican version, yes. It's about three dudes that work at a costume shop and then they go to Mexico with their costumes or something like that. I've said.

It's been a long time since. Martin Short and Steve Martin were very fun to work with. It was, I could tell Martin Short was trying to make me not say my lines correctly. So people would get mad at me. And it, cause I told him, can you please not make faces when I'm doing my lines? Cause I'm messing up. He goes, Oh, I know. It was, that was very funny. So a lot of, a lot of the bigger stars are the stars of a show won't even be there for coverage. I've heard that before. I've never experienced that.

Do you stick around for it? I would love, if I could find somebody with my size head to do my reverses, I would love that. But really, it's a head issue, head size issue for you. Yeah, we put a wig on Michael Dukakis once while he had the helmet on still, and still wasn't big enough. Well, so Martin Short trying to crack you up, that's a wig on Michael Dukakis once While he had the helmet on still and still wasn't big enough Well this so Martin short trying to crack you up. That's a dream come true. Yeah, he was uh, he was very funny Obviously. Yeah, it's a good. It's a very funny season. You're really it. It's you and Eugene Levy

and Eva Longoria playing fictional movie star versions of the trio Eva Longoria playing fictional movie star versions of the trio. And these guys are people who have starred in movies themselves, so it's all so meta-textual. Was it ever difficult to figure out exactly what was happening on the set? Like, who am I?

Am I Martin Short? Am I me? Hmm. I've never thought about that till now. Yeah. Do you think you got it right every single time? Nope. I've never gotten anything right till now. Oh, yeah. Do you think you got it right every single time? Nope. I've never gotten anything right in front of the camera.

Can you tell, because I feel like- A lot of questions. I feel like- These two are gonna get as much questions. We're getting to the other guests on the show. Okay, I- I'm uncomfortable with the- I feel like I've told this story on some podcasts,

but I'd love to hear it from your version, because he's no longer with us. Of course he worked with Louis Anderson, who a lot of people I know were great friends with. And I went to a birthday party for one of your children once, and Louis did something very funny. Do you recall what it was? Well, Louis showed up the wrong day. He showed up the wrong day as well? Yeah. Well, one birthday party he showed up the wrong day. He showed up the wrong day as well? He showed up, well one birthday party he showed up and no one was there and it was the first time I'd had a nap in seven years.

And I never forget it because I hear, oh it's not today from the front door. And I was like, is that Louis at my front door? But I don't know about the other party. The other one I remember coming to and this was the right day and there was a face painting station. Oh yeah, he got pasted as a lion or something? Yes, he was first in line and to paint

his face it took an hour and all the kids behind him were in line really upset. Oh he was such a beautiful dude. He got his face painted as a lion and then just walked around never mentioning it to anyone when I went up to meet him. I vaguely remember that now. He is a real, he was very funny. Such a sweetheart. He really, really was. Great guy, great show, baskets.

But that was, honestly, that was 2016 to 2019. We need a hit. We need a hit, like that one. We need a hit, a basket-sized hit. We need a hit. We need a hit, like that one. Yeah, we need a hit, a basket-sized hit. We need a hit. We need a hit. We gotta figure this out. I'm looking at your TV resume.

2016 bajillion dollar properties created by my wife. Of course, you're very funny in that. I never saw that. You never saw it? You're very funny. I've never seen it. Yeah, we'll show it to you. I feel like I hit myself in the face a bunch of times for that.

Oh, fun. Do you remember what part you were? Oh no, you were playing yourself. That's right. I was. Yeah. You were selling your house and Dan, a dude came by to, uh, be the real estate agent for your own house or something like that.

It was very funny. Ryan, uh, Ryan, Rangol. Yes. He was in the cast from the, uh, between two Ferns movies. Maybe the last notable thing on your resume. Who are you talking about Ryan? But we need a hit and that is coming because Lilo and Stitch comes out, what I'm reading is it comes out May 23rd.

This is right before Memorial Day. This is Memorial Day weekend, I believe. So this is a huge, huge movie. We have Billy Magnussen from Into the Woods and Game Night. We have Tia Carrere from Wayne's World. But we have, oh, Hannah Waddingham from Ted Lasso. He's so nice, isn't he, Ted Lasso? We love him. The guy that plays him. We love him for being nice. The character. Yeah. We love him because he's so nice, don't we? Yep. We love a nice, nice coach, don't we? Yep.

We want our coaches to be nice, don't we? Why did I say yes? Well, I mean, it's just like I could just text no. That's true. No, you felt like you owed me for some reason. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know why. I do, I do owe you. We also have the gallerist coming up. Oh, this is exciting.

We have Jenna Ortega and Natalie Portman. Thriller directed by Cathy Yan. Oh my gosh, this sounds amazing. Tell us about this. Charlie XCX is in this? She plays my girlfriend. Your girlfriend, really? Yeah, I think so, I think so.

I didn't know, I don't know who she is still. Did you read the script? I know she does, but I didn't see her do it, but she's got cast, but I don't know about her. I don't know anything about her. Wait, have you not filmed this yet? Yeah, just got back from filming it. So you just got back from filming it,

you never saw her play your girlfriend. All right, well, let me tell you how movies work, Scott. They shoot you out as you're busy schedule. Do you know Charlie XCX? I've never met her. No, I mean, I really enjoy her. You know, like, yes, people know she's brat. I know that. I just don't. I'm not I'm 55. I'm not supposed to know who she is.

Well, the cutoff is 50. You're supposed to know who Dred Zeppelin is. I don't know who that is, right? Well, the cutoff, yeah, is 50. You're supposed to know who Dred Zeppelin is. I don't know who that is. You don't know who Dred Zeppelin is? I would imagine that's a Led Zeppelin cover band? It's a Led Zeppelin cover band who plays reggae versions of Led Zeppelin songs with an Elvis impersonator

as their lead singer. I am so sorry that you didn't get sent the link to the documentary. Am I too young or too old to know that? You were supposed to get the documentary on your 50th birthday. No, I didn't get sent the link to the documentary. Am I too young or too old to know that? You were supposed to get the documentary on your 50th birthday. No, I didn't get it. I'm so sorry, I'll get this sent to you, don't worry.

You know, I was in the Cover Man once. Really, what was it? We were called the pretenders. Thank you. Go into the act. Was that in the act? I'm gonna put it down. Are you doing standup?

Oh God, it's, yeah, I have tried. Well, you've been out there working on a new hour for approximately 17 years. To eight years. Yeah. No, no, that's- When was the last one you put out? 2000, 2008, probably, or seven. Talk into the mic, Zach.

2006, seven or eight, I don't know. 2008 or so. We are now in 2025. We need another standup special. We need a standup special and we need a hit. Yeah. We need to get your career back on track. A lot of pressure.

A lot of pressure. Can I manage you? I'm not that interested in the whole thing. You're not interested in what I can offer you? What can you do to get the rust off the career? First of all, I can't get anyone on the phone. I barely got messages back from you. I'm now regretting it immensely. So that's out. But I am willing to just use a lot of shoe leather. I'm willing to walk around. You're ready to hit the pavement. Hit the pavement. I'm willing to walk around outside of these buildings,

all the agencies and all the movie studios. I flyer the Third Street promenade with my headshot every other weekend. See, this is what I'm talking about. Old school show business. That's what you are. These kids want to tweet and Instagram their stuff. No. Is that what they do? I don't even know what people do. Nowadays they call it X, X.com.

X, X, yeah. Yeah. They're ruining the world, all that Silicon Valley, that whole ilk. What a unique opinion. Is it not, is it, is that, is that, I don't think people talk about it at all. You don't think people are talking about this?

Do people talk about how they're ruining everything? Hmm, I'll have to check. I don't listen to podcasts, as you know. Especially... See, this is what I don't like. You come on this show and you say you don't listen to podcasts. You should lie and say you listen to this podcast. I've never listened to this podcast. Why not?

I have other things to do. I don't know how people sit around and listen to podcasts. What do you have to do that's so important? errands. What are you going to Party City? What kind of errands are we talking about? Right before I got here, I went and got a battery fob. It took me 25 minutes to get it out of the package.

So that's a, it eats up a lot of time and I can't listen to a podcast where I'm dealing with a battery fog. Yeah, I mean, we should mention that you are a very low IQ individual. So you got my text. Yeah. Yeah. Also low T.

Low testosterone. Yeah. Yeah. High E. What is the E? Estrogen. So this is, you're working through a lot. So you don't have time. Low T. My IQ is probably low.

Do you, a lot of people. No, I should say, I'm not very educated, but I might have some wisdom. You went to some college, did you not? I was a film minor in an agriculture school. Like at a farming school. Right. Some college, did you not? I was a film minor in an agriculture school, like at a farming school. Right. Not necessarily the greatest film school, but what was your major?

You were a film minor. Communications, and then I never graduated. Well, you're talking right now, so you, I mean, you have some sort of a handle on it. Right now we're having a dyad. Thank you so much. So, I mean, if you had to guess, keep in mind this is a scale of 1 to 200, what do you think your IQ is and then can we get it tested?

200 being the highest? 200 is the highest. 198 I guess. So you're knocking two points off just because you went to found school and agriculture school. For modesty. How do they test IQs? I think they ask you a bunch of questions. I've never had it done.

And then- Like math or? Maybe they ask you 200 questions and they just count one point for each one. I have no idea. Would you ever take one? I would take one. I think you and I should go together. I bet I have more common sense,

but I bet your IQ is higher. You think you have more common sense than I do? Yes. In what subject? Life. Just in life. Okay. Yeah. But you think that my- I bet your- Book smarts.

You probably have a better education than I do. Where'd you go to school? San Francisco State? No, I went to acting school. Oh, then I'm much better than you. Nevermind. I take everything back. I really wanna do this together. I think you and I should go test our IQs

and have a competition. Wouldn't it be amazing if one of us had a really high IQ? That would be crazy. I think I think- Do they do it past our ages? Or do they have to do it when you're young? I wish there were other people here to chime in. I don't know, we're gonna look into this.

Do you edit this? No, our editing machine broke like about 12 years ago. Before we go on, and I feel like I always ask you this, how many people listen to this? I mean, honestly, is it 85 people? During a fiscal year? Yeah, during the fiscal year. Okay, that's gonna be different.

Okay, oh wait, we have the numbers in, Scott, and I'm sorry to tell you that Zach when Yeah, we got 16 people to listen. I don't know three of them were there his aunts. I I think that might be generous I have no idea if people are listening. There's no There's no Nielsen the Neil we asked the Nielsen family. Hey, do you want to listen to a podcast? And they were all like we're too busy watching TV. But there's no counting of this? Oh, okay. They don't do numbers that low.

Okay. Yeah. But you get honestly, it's probably hundreds of thousands of people, right? I have no idea. How many people saw your movie Winner? your movie winner. You know what? I don't read the trades. This might really surprise you. Except when I go to the dentist, they're there. In the dentist's office, really? Yeah.

Where you live? No, not in Canada. I go to the dentist here. Oh, okay. Oh, you only go to US dentists. Right, I get it. No, I go to Canadian dentists too, but that's where I see the trades.

They're too nice to tell you if you have a cavity there. Canadians are nice. That's why I made that joke. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for catching up. They have another side to them. Oh, okay, because you're married to one. No, I'm just saying I've lived up there for a number of years.

Yeah. People are more complicated than we think. Well, you're back on our shores. We love you here. You're one of our, the United States is in and our states are united. You're one of our greatest movie stars, segued into TV, did baskets. Can I really ask you, do people really hate Silicon Valley? It doesn't show or the the culture, the what they're doing, they like the show, but what they're, what they're doing to the rest of the world. Do people really, like you were being sarcastic,

but I really do wanna know. I don't hear people complain about it. You're up in Canada. They don't even have Silicon Valley. Where is the Canadian Silicon Valley? No, really, do people really legitimately like sit around and go, are their podcasts going, they're ruining everything?

Yes! Oh, they are? Yes. Oh, by who? Because I'd like to listen to you. Everybody! Really? Well, give me specifics.

I'm not sitting around collecting data on podcasts. Well, your energy seems like you could come off with one podcast as I rate it. The News! TheNews.com. The News does not know, the News loves it. The Fourth Estate, you're right, does tend to prop up these villains.

Of course. But no, there's a very large anti-billionaire contingent out there that talks about how social media was a blunder and an oopsie. Yeah, and everybody's been duped. Yes, exactly. So we don't need to-

But is it all old people saying it or are there any young people saying it? I think everyone's over 50 saying it. Yeah, that doesn't count. Everyone under 50 doesn't care. Yeah, that doesn't count Yeah, who thought for in the last election to a pro? Zach Galifianakis is here a poli air Did you did you get to vote up there that's so fun. No, I don't vote up. I'm not a thing I'm not a there's not a system. Canada's strict. Yeah, they're really strict. They are.

They're kind of, I like America's policy with that better. Do they give you trouble when you're, oh, the policy where anyone, even if they're dead, can vote? No, just more open arms to immigration. Do they give you a hassle when you go up there or they're like every single time? Nope, but the last time I tried to drive in, they flagged me.

They flagged you for what? They just said, you go in and out a lot. What is your status? Did you high five them after they said that? I said, I'm single. Zach Galifianakis is here. We need a hit, but one is on the horizon. Lilo and Stitch comes out Memorial Day weekend. This is very exciting. We need to take a break, Zach. When we come back, we are going to have an inspector. We're going to have a paganist. This is an exciting show. What do you think,

Zach? Do you see the buyer's remorse on my face? You're wearing a sweatshirt that says caveat empture. We need to take a break. When we come back, we're gonna have more with Zach Galifianakis. We'll have more comedy bang bang. We'll be right back after this. No, no, no, no.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. No, no, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Comedy bang bang, we're back. Zach Galifianakis is here. Lilo and Stitch is the lifeline to his career that is coming up and he imagines a mighty big payday coming his way.

Would you stop? What's that? Get by the mic. I don't want, I'm not interested in. You're not interested in money. No, but we... Hello, sorry to interrupt. Oh, hey.

Relief. I just came, I'm from actually the IQ department. Oh, wait, we were just talking about, we both wanna take an IQ test. Oh, will you? Well, I heard you talking about it, and so I just wanted to come in and give you a sample question.

Oh, okay. And whoever gets it right has the higher IQ. Can we write down our answers or do we need to buzz in and be first? Yeah, is it like a fast thing? Okay, I'm already registering some things about what the IQ might be in the room. Okay. So high, pretty high at this point. and be first. Yeah, is it like a fast thing? Okay, I'm already registering some things about what the IQ might be in the room.

Okay. So high, pretty high at this point. Sure, sure. Should we ask really good questions? Yes, good questions. Yes, why don't you go ahead and write your answers down. Or at least think, yeah, I don't trust Zach. You should write it down, Zach.

No, I wanna hear the question first. Okay. Before you decide on whether you're gonna write something? You need to write down the question. And I'll only say it once. Oh, wow, okay. Okay. Is it? And I'll only say it once. Oh, oh wow. Okay. Okay. And I'm going to read it directly

as it's written on the internet. Is the test administered orally all the time? Anally. Oh, okay, got it. Carpenter, colon. Is to, is what that means. Furniture, colon, colon. Cobbler, colon, question mark.

A, title, B, pot, C, frame, D, shoe. I'm locked in. Pot. Now you're trying to high five me, because you said pot? Yeah. Scott, please turn your board over. D. Shoe.

The correct answer is shoe. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh my God. Wait. She just floated up into the air. Wait, the clues were what? Carpenter?

A cobbler works on shoes. Yeah. Yeah. A cobbler. You didn't say carpenter? A carpenter works. She's gone. She floated off into the space.

Did the British lady say carpenter? She did, yes. Carpenter is to furnitureenter works, she's gone. She floated off into the space. Did the British lady say carpenter? She did, yes. Carpenter is to furniture as cobbler is to... Oh, I wasn't... Paying attention? I partly was paying attention. That's gonna hurt you during the test. On paper, I would have gotten that one.

We have to do this. Do you know the capital of Canada? Of course you don't. No, why would I know something like that? Do you know the capital? Of course you don't. No. I know... Whoa, I'm back. I heard that there was a dispute about the last question. Of course you don't know why would I do you know the capital course you don't know

I heard that there was a dispute about the last question. Yes What is the capital of Canada first of all Zin gets it Yes, Ottawa Correct higher IQ established. Thank you Canadian questions those don't count Canadian questions! Those don't count! Ask any geographical question. Ask anything worldly. I will definitely beat you.

Question. Yes. Okay. What do they know? You're right. When he's right, he's right. Thank you. We got to have a face-off on this.

We got to have a showdown on this IQ showdown. Can we make an episode about this? Like who has the highest IQ? Yeah. Yeah. Well, like say it's out just, let's just. On this, we gotta have a showdown on this IQ showdown. Can we make an episode about this? Like who has the highest IQ? Yeah, yeah, well, like say it's out in Santa Monica. As long as we can also match it with like life trivia, like that kind of thing. Tell you what, why don't we do like a triathlon? We'll do IQ test, we'll do some sort of street smart test.

Like we'll go out to the streets of downtown LA and just see like who can handle themselves better. Right, oh, well that, give me a break on that one. Yeah, you'll win that one obviously. For sure. And then we'll do like some sort of a physical fitness test. How about dropped off in the woods? Yeah. Type test.

Okay, let's do that. You sure you can, I don't think you've ever camped in your life. Which woods are we talking? Any woods. Hmm. Elijah. We'll save a seat for him. All right, we do need to get to our next guest. He's been on the show

before. He is a police inspector. Please welcome back to the show Jack Cates. Looking good, partner. Hey, how are you, Jack? I'm doing all right. This is Zach Galifianakis. Zach, how are you, partner? I'm fine, officer. How are you? Yeah. I'm not an officer. I'm an inspector. And this is the IQ lady. I think she didn't float away this time, unfortunately. So why are you sticking around this time? Last time you floated away so quickly.

I'm trying to stay present for the IQ. She's gone. All right. Well, Jack, so good to see you again. You've been on the show many times. A couple of times, yeah. Well, I mean, two is many. I mean, wouldn't you say two is many?

Several. Yeah, several. Too many. Too many. That's why they call it too many. Pretty sloppy work. I apologize, Jack. But the last couple of times you were here, you were...

I'm trying to remember exactly what you were doing. We're trying to get Gans. That's right, Gans. That's right, and that's what we've got to do now. We've got 48 hours to find Gans! Wait, we didn't find him the last time. We found him twice before. We found Albert Gans and then we found his brother. We did?

William Cherry Gans! Okay, so we found the Gans, so which Gans are we looking for now? Both of them! They got away! How did they get away? You were there, don't you remember? Sloppy work! The details are slipping my mind i don't got time for your jive inform zack how did they get away is gand somebody a person yeah gans is it i guess the gans brothers elbert gans is a lifelong criminal a bug-eyed creep he stole my gun after stealing a payroll from an armored car

yes and then he had my gun and i was out on the street trying to get him. I needed Scott's help because he started a podcast of what his life was like in prison. So I needed a podcaster to help me get close to cancer. To catch a podcaster. Yeah, it takes a podcaster to catch a podcaster. Exactly. We had 48 hours to find him. Was serial about that? Did the guy who killed everyone on serial, was he a podcaster and that's why it was a podcast? I don't like that. I didn't watch that one. You didn't watch Serial? No, I didn't watch Serial. I didn't either.

I heard it. That's one podcast I did hear. Oh, really? You listened to Serial? I listened to that one. Men would rather listen to Serial than go to therapy. Wasn't that one of the first podcasts ever? No!

Oh. That's why I listened to it. I thought it was the first podcast ever. You were on this probably six times before that ever even premiered. Yeah, but I'm talking about things that people listen to. So what happened with Gansy got away? He was in the studio with us.

He was your other guest. That's right. We learned by the end. So, but how did he get away though? You were there, don't you remember? I don't. Well, come on. We're partners here.

Okay, so we got to go get... Why do we have 48 hours starting now? Well, because... Well, we're missing the middle part where in between, after Albert Gans got away, his brother, William Cherry Gans, was hired with his partner, Hickok, to kill us. Oh, right. Yes, I forgot about that. Right there, motorcycle murderers hired by the Iceman to trackok, to kill us. Oh, right. Yes, I forgot about that. Right? They're motorcycle murderers hired by the Ice Man to track us down and kill us.

Right, right. Because I shot a bad guy, and then my gun disappeared. Right, okay. I remember all this now. Did you have to cough? Is your voice not normally like this? No, it's always like this. I smoke 12 packs a day. 12 packs of what?

Zigarettes! So both Gans brothers are in the wind. They're together now. They're together though. We know that for a fact. That's right. They've got a copy of my gun. A copy? They 3D printed a copy of my gun. Why?

To frame me! And 48 hours from now they're going to go to the Gans Family Reunion. Oh, well, why don't we just go to the Gans Family Reunion 48 hours from now? Okay, wait, what, do you need a ride? Why do you need my help all the time? Well, before I needed your help as a podcast. Sure. And now I need your help as a television creator?

Why? What does that have to do with the Gans family reunion? Because there's only one other Gans that I know, Megan Gans. Megan Gans is part of this? Writer? American comedy writer. From Community? Correct. And Always Sunny?

And Modern Family? I guess. Wait, you know all of her resume other than that? I know two things! Is that her whole resume? Anyway, she's gonna be there. They're gonna murder their whole family and frame me for it. Wait, you know all of her resume other than that? I know two things! Is that her whole resume? Ha ha ha ha ha. Anyway, she's gonna be there. They're gonna murder their whole family and frame me for it.

Why murder your whole family? Zach, would you murder your whole family? I wouldn't even think about it. No, this is not normal behavior. Well, they're going to frame me for it. But that doesn't answer my question about why murder their whole family. These are dirtbag lifelong criminals.

So that's in 48 hours. Why did you come here now? Why not just call me 48 hours from now? We got to find where it is. You don't, we don't. Okay. So how are we going to find out where it is? You've got TV contacts.

You get in touch with Megan Ganz. We find out where her family reunion is so we can go there. All right, man. Who do I go through to? I don't have Megan. Do you have Megan Ganz's email? out where her family reunion is so we can go there. All right, man, who do I go through to? I don't have Megan. Do you have Megan Ganz's email? Do you know who we're talking about? A writer, she was a writer on a community

and what was the other thing you said? It's always sunny. It's always sunny. But can't you just like hit her up on Twitter? Yeah, she had a bit of their- You mean x.com? Yeah, I mean x.com, the inspector. Hey, how do you feel about, do you think these people,

these billionaires are ruining our country? Yeah, and is anybody talking about that? Everyone's talking about it in San Francisco. Where, who talks about it? Everyone. No, they don't. He's a police inspector in San Francisco, so this is where the tech bubble really.

That's still a golden valley. I know, but I don't hear people complain about it that much. Well, it's not really my beat. You live on an island. I know, but I don't hear people complain about it that much. Well, it's not what it might be. You live on an island. I know, but the fact that even the Google cars can go around and take pictures of everything, if those cars said US government on it, people would fucking lose their minds.

What do you think about the little robots that deliver packages? They're cute until you see 50 of them together. Then they are not so cute anymore. Yeah, but they're, but one, One is fine. We love one. One is fine. We love them. One is fine.

We love them, don't we, Zach? Yes, but. We love Amazon, don't we, Zach? Would you ever do a movie with Amazon? We need a hit. I don't wanna talk about that. We need a hit. Oh, Bezos!

You ever seen that guy? I never seen him, no. Woo hoo hoo hoo. You've seen a picture of him or a human person? You gotta watch Frontline.'ve seen a picture of him or a hidden person? You gotta watch Frontline. They did a profile on him. Do they pay you in Bezos?

Anyway, so we gotta get making dances emails. I know that we're not allowed to make fun of these gods because they're all controlling show business, but he's very odd. Maybe I could go through Mary Elizabeth Ellis, who's married to Charlie Day. All right, that's over my head. I know, I know. I'm a big It's Always Sunny fan. Well, you don't know who's married to who?

No, I only care about the show. So you only care about the fictional characters. Why are you coughing? I'm having a hard time. I'm excited. Oh, okay, when you're excited, you cough. That's right. Okay, I understand. I may have a disease.

So tell me about the characters, it's sunny. All right, well, you've got Charlie. Sure. Right? Danny DeVito. Why ask me? You're the huge fan. I'm asking if you're following along.

Okay, I am, yes. I'm trying to go slow. Okay, Charlie, we have Charlie. Charlie, Zach. Zach, we have- Charlie, Zack. Zack, do you know Charlie? Charlie Day? Charlie Day. I know of him, yeah.

From It's Always Sunny, he's on that show. Are you following along? I'm following on what you're saying. You got Dennis? Dennis, okay. Who, and you don't know who plays these characters. I only know Charlie Day because that's his name. Okay, right, and it's just somehow through osmosis or something. I know Danny DeVito. Danny

DeVito what character does he play? I mean he's always Danny DeVito. So you're a big Danny DeVito fan and that super seeds the it's funny? Love it yeah. It's sunny rather? That's right. Why didn't they call it it's always funny in Philadelphia? Then I would know what I'm getting into! Instead, I watch this show and I'm thinking I'm going to see a lot of sunshine and... Meanwhile the whole show takes place outside of a bar! I don't understand. You can't tell if it's sunny outside or not!

So that's one way, but I don't know. Let me see if I can type an email here right now, see if I can get a hold. Okay. Mary Elizabeth says, yeah, here's Charlie's contact info. Okay. Let me-

No, it's fast. Dear Charlie. Well, yeah, we're, I mean, we're tight. So she, yeah. Dear Charlie, do you, she just did an episode just a few months ago. So we're tight. An episode of this?

Yeah. All right. Dear Charlie, do you know Megan Ganz's email address stop? It's very important. We need to catch a killer stop. Sincerely, Scott. Okay. She's got a reply to that right away.

Yeah, he's got a reply to that. Oh, is it to Charlie? Yeah, that was to Charlie. Oh, he'll- You turned your sound effects on between the first email and the second one. I thought it was important, you know, just to really establish what we're doing. Bing!

Oh, wow! You've got mail! Nice! I have an AOL account still. Goddamn, those stuff is ruining America! Uh, oh, okay, yeah! Oh, it's Megan Gans at MeganGans.com. No, we got to guess that. We got to guess that.

Oh, okay. Let me write to Megan. Dear Megan, stop. Do you know your family stop? Are you going to that reunion that's in 48 hour stop? Can a guy named Jack Cates come and money him? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. that's in 48 hour stop can a guy named Jack Cates come and myself come with you stop. Zach, do you wanna go? Is it in two days? It's in two days. Yeah, I'll be there.

You'll be there? Yeah, Zach Galifianakis from the upcoming film Lilo and Stitch, which has to be a hit. Yeah, make sure you put that parenthetically. Yeah. You did? Yeah, it's a parenthetical. to be a hit. Yeah, make sure you put that parenthetically. Yeah. You did? Yeah, it's a parenthetical. He needs a hit.

Yeah, he needs a hit and he's hoping this will be a hit. Wants to go as well, stop. Sincerely, Scott Archman. Okay. Pshh. Wow, that was even, that was sent even quicker, it sounded like. All right, now we just gotta sit around and wait.

You've got mail. Wait a minute. Check it out. It's the same thing. Okay, let me see. Oh no, it's spam. What does spam have to say? Maybe they have a clue. Do you want to buy more spam from us? No, I'm... Oh, let me write them back. No, sorry. I have way more than enough spam for the year. Thank you so much.

Sincerely, Scott. Woosh! All right. Now we just sit around and wait, I guess, for me. I mean, is there... I'm not comfortable sitting around and waiting. What do you wanna do while we wait? We're gonna hit the pavement.

You wanna hit the pavement with us, Zach? What do you think? Right now? Yeah. During the podcast, like during the... Well, this is a mobile setup. We could go outside. Do you wanna go outside? We've only got 48 a mobile setup, we could go outside. Do you want to go outside?

We've only got 48 hours! Yeah, we only have 48 hours until- Unless you don't want me to find Gans! No, I'm passionate about you finding Gans. Then why you dragging your feet? Well I really have nothing to do with it. Stop dragging ass, Zack! We need to find Gans! Well how- why am I in the middle of this?

We ain't partners, we ain't brothers, and we ain't friends. Yeah, that's fine by me. Who you are Gans or me and you? I'm gonna put you down and get you down until we get Gans locked up or dead. Listen, Inspector, I have really no concern with Gans. I'm not that interested in fighting. Oh, you're okay?

You don't have any, you're ambivalent about a lifelong dirtbag criminal? Well, I don't know if he's gonna hurt. Stop, don't cry. I don't know if he's gonna hurt me. Hate tech bros, love criminals. What'd you say? Hate tech bros loves criminals. That's Zach to a T.

That's Zach Galifianakis, right? Come on, let's go. Let me pack up the mobile recording thing. Bob just thought maybe you would do sound effects as we go outside. Alright, here we go. Ready? Eeeeee. Look at that horse walking by. Eee.

Kuk, kuk, kuk. Wow, right outside my house. You never see those anymore. Anyway, what do you wanna do? I brought my computer just in case we get an email back, by the way, as well as all this recording equipment. This is really heavy.

Zach, do you mind carrying a little bit of this? Not at all, here you go. Let me take your switchboard. Okay, there we go. Whatever that is. In case we get some calls. Yeah. Do you ever get calls? Yeah of this? Let me take your switchboard. Okay, there we go. Whatever that is. In case we get some calls. Yeah. Do you ever get calls?

Yeah, we do take some calls sometimes. What are we looking for out here, by the way? Gams! We gotta find Gams. Gores. Or his brother. So we just gotta try to eyeball him from people on the street. Whoa, look at those gams.

Sorry. Very close! I almost threw my service weapon. Yeah, but I was looking at something. I just didn't wanna... If I had it, which I don't. I don't see him. I don't know.

Gans! Do you want me to yell for him? Yeah, we should yell. Gans! Gans! Hey, Gans! Gans! Gans.

No, no bites. Well, he's not in your neighborhood. I don't know. I just don't know what to do. Bing! You've got mail. Oh, I got an email. All right, read the email. We only have 48 hours. Oh, it's from... What is the email from Gans? It's from Megan Gans. What does it say? Is she going to the... Well, I'm going to read it and we'll hear her voice. Hey, I got your email, Scott. It's been a really long time

since you emailed me. First I was confused because we had that big fight so many years ago and I didn't think you ever wanted to speak to me again. Stop. How are you? Stop. Love you, Megan.

Mixed messages. She loves you, stop. She wants me to stop? Yeah. She doesn't answer my question about going to the... You've got mail, stop. I was still sending the email, stop. Oh my gosh. I hadn't read that. Yes, I have a family reunion tonight. Why?

Did you want to be my date? Stop. Whoosh. See you later, bye. Whoosh. So she was making her own whoosh sound. She must be talking to text in real time and it's coming through your email and being diverted back to talk.

I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going making her own whoosh sound. She must be talking to text in real time and it's coming through your email and being diverted back to talk. PS, one more for the road.

Whoosh. Oh wow, three whooshes from Megan Gans. This is exciting. All right, so we're invited. Where is it? You never asked me to ask her that. That's all we have to find out. I don't know, where do they have family reunions

down here in LA with a family that's from San Francisco? There have to be some clues, Detective, or Inspector Cates, I'm sorry, to call you a detective. That's a clue that you've not been paying attention. To be fair, you called yourself a detective the first appearance. You called me that and I didn't correct you. You're the host. You introduced me.

So what are the clues? What clues were left behind at the scene? Alright, family reunions. Need a few things, right? We need outdoor barbecue pits. We need... Plastic cutlery. Absolutely. Pasta salad. Where do you find pasta salad? Pasta salad, pasta salad. Zach, where do you find pasta salad? Pasta salad. Pasta salad. Zach, where do we find pasta salad? Ralph's. Ralph's.

Ralph's. Wait a minute. Is anyone in the Gans family named Ralph? Ooh. Like Ralph Gans? Ah! Yeah. Anybody named Gelsens?

Gelsens Gans? There's obviously an Albert's Gans. Albert... Wait, what about his son? He has a son! Albertans! We need to get to Albertans right now! They'll be buying all of the stuff for the reunion right now!

Pasta salad, hot dogs, buns, etc! Albertans is right over there! Let's run! Look at him go! Hey! Come on, Gates! Hold on, let me... Ketchup!

Hold on, let me... Catch up! Hold on, I need my inhaler. Okay. Okay. Okay, let's go back to running. Need another break. Okay, yeah, let's say...

I'm in peak physical condition! All right! Okay, we're here, we're here. We made it. Thank God I got this mobile recording set up. Okay. Oh, look, there's a greeter here at the door Oi

No running near Albertsons. What are you kids doing mucking about? I got time for your drive This Albertsons closed it's been closed for 50 years some kids say it it's haunted, innit? Be careful when you go in there. Well, so we can go in there even though it's closed and haunted? I hope you're used to talking to ghosts and all that, innit? Okay. Have you seen anyone go in to the grocery store at all? Just Scooby-Doo and the gang. Oh.

Gans isn't part of that, right? Yeah, is Gans part of the Scooby-Doo's gang? What's the name of their gang? Okay, you got Thelma, no Velma. Not the names of the people in the gang. Don't they have a name of their gang? Okay, you got Thelma. No Velma. Not the names of the people in the gang. Don't they have a name for their gang? Well, they write around the mystery machine. The Scooby-Dooby-Crooby, that's what they told me.

They were in here solving the mystery of the something-something pasta salad family reunion, innit? Oh my God. Anyways, I gotta go to toilet now. Boosh! Oh, I think she just sent an email in the bathroom. Okay, so we're inside now. Do you see anyone?

This place is cleaned out! Dude, there's nothing on the shelves. Of course there's nothing. This looks like a post-apocalyptic wasteland. It hasn't been open for 50 years. Since 1975, I guess. Guys, anybody want a tab? Here, let's open up this tab.

That's why I did it. That's why I did it. That's why I did it. Kate, what are you doing? Wait, I'm looking for clues. You're staring off into space. I'm looking for clues. Like you're haunted by some sort of past memory. What is going on with you? Yeah, I had a traumatic experience at a grocery store like this.

Really? The haunted grocery store that was 50 years old that you've had an experience? That's right. Not this one, but a different haunted grocery store that's been closed for 50 years. Up in San Francisco, I would imagine? The Bay Area? That's right. Yeah. What happened there? Now it's the headquarters of, uh, Uber!

Oh, God, don't get me started. But anyway, what happened to you in this? Well, I was left there as a child. Okay, for how long? Eighteen days. Eighteen days? That's right. Wait, it could have been 48 hours. But it was, in long? 18 days. 18 days? That's right. It could have been 48 hours, but it was in fact 18 days.

Okay, but it felt like 48 hours to you. Yeah, really breezed by. Okay, so you enjoyed it. It's like a kid in a candy store. Sure, but it was more like a kid in a grocery store. Yeah, there was a teenager in a grocery store. And did they ever come back to get you after the 18 day?

My parents, we were shopping. It was me, my brother, Albert, Yeah, there was a teenager in the grocery store. And did they ever come back to get you after the 18-day what happened? My parents, we were shopping. It was me, my brother, Albert, and his brother, William. Okay. We were all shopping together. His brother, but not yours? Yeah, he's my brother, too.

That's how brothers work, Scott. Okay, but you didn't say it like, anyway, go ahead. Sorry! I thought you could do math. You pass an IQ test. And then who found you 18 days later, which felt like 48 hours? Nobody found me. I walked out. I waited 18 days for them to return. And then you just walked out. I'm like, I don't think they're coming.

Okay. I'm gonna start a life for myself. I think I would have left 48 minutes into this, but it took you 18 days. Different stroke for different folks. Anyway, is Gans here? No, but I've reclaimed a memory. Scott, I just remembered that I had a brother named Albert. Well, you didn't remember you had a brother named Albert?

And he had a brother named William Cherry. I'm a Gans! What? Oh my God. I'm a Gans, did you not hear me? I mean, I heard the Albert and the William, but I thought it was- Oh, you were surprised. Yeah, I'm a Gans, did you not hear me? I mean I heard the Albert and the Willie but I thought it was- Oh you were surprised? Yeah, I'm surprised, yeah.

Oh my god, you're a Gans? I'm a Gans! We don't need Megan Gans! So you know where the family reunion is? No, nobody knows I'm a Gans! Okay, well just tell everyone you're a Gans and then you'll be invited to the family reunion. I guess I have to tell Megan Gans that I'm a Gans. Okay, do you want to send an email to her?

Just dictate it to me. Alright. Alright, here we go. Dearest Megan Gans. Hey, how's it going? Okay, we can cut down a little on the chit chat, I think. I mean, this is a matter of grave importance. This should be dictated not read. Back to me.

With criticism. Okay, not read. Back to me with criticism. I was just remembering that I'm also a Gans. Do you want me to put in a stage direction that talks about your jaunty tone? Or? Well, you can put it in italics. I think that'll come across on the page. All right. All right. Just remembered I'm a Gans. I'm also a Gans. I would like to attend the Gans family reunion. OK.

But send an email. That's a... Oh, wait, no. Where is it? OK, thank you. Good. Specifically. Where is it specifically?

And do you want to sign your name or anything? Signed yours truly best wishes. Signed yours truly best wishes. And all the regards to you, friends and family. And may the road rise up to meet you. Sure. Okay. On your journey.

Sure. Inspector Jack John Cates Gans. Okay. Okay. We sent it. But we're running out of time on this segment. We have to run back to the studio. We're running out of time in general.

That's right. Let's all run back to the studio so we can take a break. Ready? Here we go. Okay. Is the security guard going? No. Oh, you kids, have a good time. Okay, thank you. How was your shit?

It was grouchy. Okay, come on, guys. Come on. Come on, we need to get back to the studio! Took you long enough! Oh, Jesus! How did you make it here before us, Gans? I took big bounding strides! Oh, okay. Zach, okay, Zach just made it.

No, I've been here. Oh, wait. I took an Uber. Oh, okay. That's why I'm not out of breath. I thought you hated Uber. Hipper class! I don't like Uber, but that was the only thing that would come out and getber. Oh, okay. That's why I'm not out of breath. I thought you hated uber I don't like but there was the only thing that would come out and get me. Oh, okay. All right Well, you know what? We need to take a break This is good news

But we'll find out hopefully at some point during the show where this family reunion is and then we're all gonna go right? We all we will have to drop everything. Well, I mean it's in 48 hours Do we really have to drop everything? Depending on where the reunion is, we may have to drop everything. Now! If it takes 48 hours to get there. Then we have to drive. Why do we have to drive? For comedy!

Okay, all right. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we have a paganist here. This is so exciting. We'll have more Jack, John, Kate's Gans. We'll have more Zach Kalifianakis. We will be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this! Comedy Bang Bang we're back. Zach Kalifianakis is here. We're all tired out from the the running back from Albertsons, other than Jack Kate's. Jack, John, Kate's Gans,

of course. I'm fit as a fiddle. I've smoked so many cigarettes, I can't feel my lungs anymore. OK, so that's that's giving you sort of a numbness to what normally we would feel. False confidence. OK, got it. We do need to get to our next guest, though. She is a paganist, I guess, is how I am to describe her. Please welcome to the show Shrunkenhead Baby Witch. Hi, Shrunkenhead Baby Witch, how are you? Hi, thanks for having me on the show.

You gotta see Wicked in theaters now. It's gonna be the movie of the year if my name's not Shrunkenhead Baby Witch. Well, I mean, Shrunkenhead Baby Witch, Wicked has been out for now three months or so. Well, I'm promoting it. They didn't invite me on the main press tour, so I'm doing my own kind of little thing.

Are you in the movie? Click, click, hold my nails. Do you have something to do with the movie? Cynthia Erivo and all that. Yes, I was a consulting producer on the film. I'm a witch. You're a consulting producer, wow. Because I'm a real witch. You're a real, what does that mean, a real witch?

I'm Drunken Head Baby Witch. I know that, I mean,. Because I'm a real witch? You're a real, what does that mean, a real witch? I'm a shrunken headed baby witch. I know that, I mean, we take that as a given, but what does that mean? When you say a real witch, I think there are a lot of people in the world who consider themselves to be witches. Is that what you mean? Who do you know that's a witch?

I know and I know. You said a lot of people in the world. Just, you know, there are- Say three. Damn it, She got me. Yeah, I mean, you know, I don't run in those types of circles, the witchly type of circles. Figures. What do you mean?

The witches wouldn't invite a guy like you to hang out? Can't believe that. You're rolling your eyes sarcastically when you say this. I'm kidding. Which is a huge tip off to me that you're- I'm fucking with you, shrunken headed baby witch. You're shrunken headed baby witch? Witches witch shit, shrunken headed baby witch. You're shrunken headed baby witch? Witch is witch, shit, shrunken headed baby witch.

I'm understanding your name is shrunken headed baby witch now. Maybe it's shrunken headed baby witch. Witch is it? Shrunken headed baby witch, or is it shrunken headed now, witch is witch. Can you actually perform magic or anything like that? I can do any kind of spell what kind of magic do you want me to do? De-aging I think for Zack. Yeah I guess. Okay what specifically are you looking for? Just like the anti-aging face. Yeah and body probably too. Yeah like I have a grotesque body is there anything you could do about that?

Okay. Yeah, here we go Younger head and body better make him fit into a sweater smaller smaller younger still baby, baby. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa Well the first half rhyme very well Well, that's how you know I'm a real witch right because that checks out if anybody else is doing that Disney pisney Because that checks out if anybody else is doing that Disney pisney mickey mouse shit, it's rhyming and it's not real Thank you. Well, so, you know what spell is real cuz it ends in whoa. Whoa. Whoa, cuz that's the sound of the magic coming Oh, okay. So is is what does it kick in? Yeah, when exactly does he oh it will kick in Well, you didn't say that you didn't specify so it's uh, um, probably couple months or Yeah monkeys paw, oh It's probably a couple months or younger. Is this one of the things where there's an ironic consequence to the wish?

Yeah. Monkey's paw. Oh, there's a, he'll have a monkey's paw? I hope you're not allergic to monkeys. Shulkin headed baby witch. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. What's the, what's the compromise here that I have, that I get something in return? Hey, your wife turns into a monkey.

If you get the spell. If I get, if I get younger, then somebody has to pay for my wife will have to pay. We'll turn into a monkey. If you get the spell. If I get younger, then somebody has to pay for it. My wife will have to pay for it. Will turn into a monkey. Your wife will turn into a monkey. That's fine with me. Okay. Trunking head and baby witch.

Zach, I mean, you can be married to a monkey. Okay, that's all fine. I just wanted to know, like, is there any other thing that, when you make me look younger and taller? Oh, sure. Taller wasn't really part of the original style. Well, it's part of the grotesque body. Oh, okay, yeah. That'll be solved, yeah. Like, I want to be stereotypically chiseled.

Yeah. How many abs did you want? You were saying something about like a 24-pack or something? I can get abs with my phone. Oh, okay, that's right. Yeah. Silicon Valley, man. Don't even get me farted. Don't even get me farted. But can you do that for him? Can you make him like really super cut?

Of course, of course. Super chiseled, strong and tall. Make him big and whoa, whoa, whoa. There you go. And I got two months to wait for it to kick in. Yep. Okay. And then- Come back. I'll come back in two months.

Yeah, come back, we'll do the IQ test as well. Yep, yep. Yeah, that'll be great. And then you'll be married to a monkey, but. And please check out Wicked. Oh yeah, that's the- Have you checked out Wicked yet? Check out Wicked anywhere you get your movies.

Kate, Jack, John. Yes. Kate scans. What is that? Have you checked out, why are you staring into space again? I'm trying to think of what I'm gonna ask for when the witch turns to me. Okay, well have you seen Wicked? What's that? No, I read the book. Okay, yeah, I'm sorry.

It was awful! But they made a good musical. I guess. I don't like musicals. Okay, why did you read the book? Because I love The Wizard of Oz! Then you love Wicked! I guess yeah, but like musicals. Okay. Why did you read the book? Then you'd love wicked no they sing songs. I don't like musicals the Wizard of Oz they sing songs in it That's different in what way because there was a war going on Well, I can't see so good anymore because my head's drunken and my eyeballs are shrunken so that's right I can only see so good anymore because my head's shrunken and my eyeballs are shrunken, so. That's right. I can only see small things.

I didn't want to say anything about your shrunken head because I don't like to point out a guest's physical attributes necessarily. Thank you, I didn't point out your tiny dick, you don't point out my tiny head. That's kind of the podcast code. It's kind of the tacit agreement that we have. Yeah, exactly.

But you have a tiny, tiny head so you can only see tiny things. Why do you host the show with your pants off? I don't know, look, I've been doing it for 16 years now, and it's just how I started. So why does SNL write till five in the morning on Tuesdays? Good point. So did the Salem guys get ahold of your penis

and shrink it like they did to my head? Oh no, that wasn't what happened to me. It's just been this way the entire time. Oh God, my God. So Salem guys, what's Salem guys? Well, back in the 1800s, I was eating a kid from the bed, and the Salem guys? Well, back in the 1800s, I was, you know, I was eating a kid from the bed and the Salem guys bust in and they did the whole witch trials on me, cut my head off, boiled it in a little pot, shrinkled it, shriveled it down, buried me in a cemetery.

I was there for a hundred years. So somebody dug me up and put me on a Barbie body. Wow. Yeah. I mean, now I'm shrunken head baby witch. I also didn't want to say your body is like, yeah, it's rock hard. Yeah, can I?

Little shiny little tits. Can I punch those? No, punching with the punch in the dick. Sure. Same time. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that was like the end of Rocky. Rocky three. Whatever.

We turned into a painting. Scott, why is my face covered in blood? Why is my- Your little dick popped. Why is every bone in my hand broken right now? Well, yeah, I put a fortification spell on my little Barbie body. Oh, that makes sense. Keep me safe. I used to be, you know, the little girl who found me back in the whatever the 80s from the ancient burial ground

She played with me and took good care of me. But then you know, when she went away to college, I was To put a little girl's name Pamela Adlon Pamela at wait from from Greece to yeah Wow amazing. Yeah So what have you been doing since the 80s? Well, then when my little girl went away to college, they- You had a little girl?

The little girl who found me, put me on a Barbie body. Okay, Pamela Adlon, yes, sorry. Then the parents threw me out and I went into a garbage truck and it ripped off my Barbie arms. No. Yeah, I was getting mangled in there. No. Spang mangler.

Really what I'm working with now is a courtesy of the dump truck guy. He gave me a car key for one arm and a chapstick for the other. Yeah, oh yeah. Tits of a Barbie, arm of a car key. Yeah, you know. So then what happened after that?

This is still in the, this is like in the 90s? Or when is this? Well, this was, I guess, you know, only about a year ago that I finally escaped. Cause you see, my mouth was sewn shut so I couldn't do spells until the garbage man opened my mouth. Oh, okay. Who was that from the... Some sick pervert. You probably know him. Oh, who?

I don't know. Don't you know all the sick pervert garbage guys? No, it's not really. Those aren't the circles I run in here. Really? Yeah. No witches, no pervert garbage truck guys necessarily. Interesting. So this was just a year ago. Yeah. And already you're a supervising producer on a huge movie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah actually. Zach, this is how it's done. I need a hit, I need a hit. This is how it's done. So I'm lucky though because one of my arms is a car key. So it's easier for me to get around. You need a battery for your five? It's an old school car key. So I just kind of put it in and I crank it.

You know what I'm talking about? All right, let's high five. All right, ooh. With both hands, that was more like a high ten. We high fived on one and low fived on the other. That was cool. Oh, that was the sound of my hand slapping your hand and then my knee kind of hitting your little knee,

because we're both wearing shorts. Yeah, that's right. And yours have the crocs for this part. Yeah, obviously. Anyways, the garbage man who took me home, gave me the car key for one hand and the chapstick for the other. Then when he fell asleep, of course, I stole his car. Oh.

I drove around town, I saw that there was audition casting call for Wicked. So you were... And I thought, I'm a shrunken-headed baby witch, I should audition for this. So you auditioned for what part? Well, I went all the way to the chem reads with Cynthia Rivo and Ariana Grande. So for what part though? Ariana, she plays the little pink one. Oh, okay, so but she was there at the chem read?

Yeah, yeah. Even though you were up for her part? Yeah, because they were kind of maybe toying with it being two little pink girls. It was gonna be Wicked colon two little pink girls. Okay, I think they made the right decision, I don't know. So now it's just Wicked colon one pink girl, one green girl.

Oh, right, okay, got it. But anyways, yeah, they didn't cast me because they said they wanted little, but I was too little. So now it's just Wicked, colon, one pink girl, one green girl. Oh right, okay, got it. But anyways, yeah, they didn't cast me because they said they wanted little, but I was too little. Oh, okay, yeah. I mean, Ariana Grande is like four one, I think. Yeah, she's pretty small and I'm about the size of a quarter.

Yeah, you're a Barbie Barbie body. My head's a quarter and my body's a Barbie. Yeah. Only compared to you, is she a Grande? Exactly. She's a venti. Tall. She's a bitch. Whoa. What? I thought we were ripping. No, these are our Oscar nominated actors. Zach doesn't like that kind of talk. Of course. Not about the community.

The acting community is sacred around these parts. I didn't know, I'm sorry. Little respect, please. Well, I mean, what an incredible story. So what kind of info did you impart upon the movie Wicked? Well, I became a consulting producer, teach them how witches really live. And it's a shame now, because I really wanted that part. Mike, it still sings all the songs. Yeah, same.

I mean, look. Gravity. I mean, look. Gravity. I don't know. Was working against me. I don't know that that's in there. Gravity. I think it's defined, right? Yeah, I think you're just singing a John Mayer song.

I'm singing Gravity, which is the hit song of Wicked. Yeah, yeah. You seen Wicked, Zach? I have not yet. Yeah, it must be in your calendar though for when you're going, right? I'm gonna see it tonight. Tonight? Oh great.

Show me your calendar. It's not written and it's not true. It's in my car. Show me your car. My car is outside if you wanna go. Show me outside. Cash me outside. Oh.

How about that? You got me, you got me. Hey, let's all high five. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, I would try to give advice to Cynthia Revo. You gotta stand a certain way when you're a witch. How is that? Well, because when you ride your broom so much, you get something called a dusty inner wart. Oh, okay. On your knee. Like some sort of chafing against the broom or something?

It's like chaffing, yeah. Oh, okay. It's like chaffing. Was I saying it wrong? You were saying, you said it different. It's chaffing. That's how you pronounce it. All right, chaffing.

Okay, yeah. Chaffing, yeah, exactly. So there's chaffing on the inside of the leg from where the, so you had said chaffing. That's how you pronounce it. All right, chaffing. Okay. Chaffing. Yeah, exactly. So there's chaffing on the inside of the leg from where the... So you had said chaffing, which is incorrect. Oh, I said chaffing. I'm sorry. That was incorrect. Okay. Got it.

So anyways, the witch's work comes from when it chaffs, you know, on the broomstick. So if you're going to act convincingly as a witch, you have to stand a certain way. Sort of bowlegged, just kind of... Bowlegged, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Am I saying words wrong?

Did you guys ever get an IQ test done? Because I think there's something wrong with you. I bet that we could reach 200 together. What do you think about that? Do you think we could? What is seen as like thick? What is a thick number? Thick with two C's? Thick with stupid. Like what that ass do? What's a low number where you're kind of considered that's not good? I think anything below 100, you're, you know, you're not doing well. So 105 is okay?

I mean, I wouldn't brag about it, but it's probably nothing to write home about, but it's nothing to be ashamed about either. But I think between the two of us, family feud style, we could get up to 200. We could get Steve Harvey. We could win the big money. Get Steve Harvey.

I love Steve Harvey. Have him administer the test. I love that guy so much. Yeah. This is a good idea. Zach, we gotta put this together. Have you ever had Steve Harvey on the show? Not to...

I haven't, I would love to have him. Yeah. Yeah, love family. Steve Harvey did a lot of fucked up things in Hollywood. He did? And I don't think you should let him on the podcast really what I mean We haven't heard about this well. He produced all of the movies and he was speed he was you know He produced the wicked movies Steve Harvey is the biggest producer that we have he's in prison now. What Steve Harvey's I haven't read the trades today

He's in prison. Yep For what what it was McGowan all the girls came forward and it's over for Steve Harvey. No more family feud. This is a different Harvey, I'm pretty sure. This is a guy whose Harvey is his first name. Oh. Okay, so what had happened to me is when I was a shrunken head, I was buried in a turn up field and sometimes my brain doesn't work so good.

I see. Okay, that's fine. I mean, look, Zach and I, we barely have 200 between us. So I mean, we understand. As a body count? Yeah. I mean, Zach, you're up to like 175 and I have about 23. So like we're almost there. That checks out. That checks out. Oh yeah. Speaking of, I heard you're doing an investigation and if you need someone to cast a spell to make something happen, I can help you. That's what I was thinking about when I was steering off into the

distance. Yeah. I could use a location spell for Cam. Should we do a location spell here? Sure, sure. Standard witchly location spell. Do you remember my name? Shrunk-headed baby witch. Okay. He passed the test. If you say it two more times, I'll give you whatever spell you want. How many more times? Two more times. Shrugged-headed baby witch. Shrugged-headed baby witch. Ooh.

Hi. Is that part of what? Yeah, that's part, that's what kind of turns on my magic. Adding that to my body count. All right, so can we do a location spell here? Sure, sure. What's the name of the guy?

Albert Gans. Albert Gans, okay. Or his brother William Cherry Gans! Okay. Give me give me all the Gans. Where they're going, what's their plans? Tell me where location lies if you don't have- whoa whoa whoa! Sound like there was a threat there in a second. So when does this uh kick in? About two months. uh kick in? About two months. I only got 48 hours! Say it with me, your wife is now a monkey! I don't have a wife! I married to my job! My job's a monkey! Oh no! Oh no! Oh this is bad bad news! The San Francisco Police Department is now a monkey! All staffed by monkeys! But Detective Roach, you're gonna run all over us! Oh no! This is terrible! Oh, well, uh, I mean, we're just gonna have to wait and see if Megan Gans writes me back about the, uh, or writes you back, you know, through my account.

Yeah, if she emails our 48 hours, but in this show. We really only have time for one final feature, and that is of course a little something called Plugs. Yeah, we're gonna open the plugs. He's on to the next black cop a man. He always knows the time clock watch a man. Spicy with the heat, hot sauce a man man Audio with the whole Scott Ackerman

He's the cop a man Haven't you seen his act? Lookin like a itty bitty taste He's snackin his uniform Handcuffs on his waist It's Scott you know he's on the case Steppin on the scene she'll stop a man He's moving to the beat pop pop a man He told my girl to go a cock block a man Can you believe this dude a big talker man? Wow, I don't think I've ever been rapped about. That's good. It's exciting. That was Hot Saucerman by Charto.

Charto, what do we think of Charto's act? I like Charto. Yeah, Charto. Is he a legit singer? It sounds like it to me. Charto's song didn't come with a biography, but it sounds legit to me. Jack, John, Kate Scans, what do we think about Chardo?

I like it, he had a funky beat. Yeah, you like funky beats? I love funky beats. Okay, shrunken-headed baby witch, what do we think? Gravity. Okay, still singing gravity. Is working against me. All right, what do we have to plug here, Zach? I think we did mine. It's working against me.

All right, what do we have to plug here? Zach, you have- I think we did mine. What's that now? We did mine. We did mine. Lilo and Stitch, obviously coming out Memorial Day weekend. We wanna make sure that once the ticket sales are up,

we pre-buy these tickets. It's gonna be, I mean, it's gonna be packed theaters. I think. And you're playing an alien who is chasing after Stitch, I believe, and you need to get Stitch back to your home planet, I believe. Didn't read the script. And didn't really.

Did someone just say the words that you were supposed to say to you phonetically? What they do is they program, there's a chip they put in you now as an actor. Oh yeah, I heard about this chip. They just, all you have to do is just put it in and then- Is it a Dorito? No.

Does it go up your butt? No, it's like a microchip. So it goes into your penis? From Silicon Valley. Yeah, that's why I hate it because it's still stuck in my urethra. Yeah. That's where they put it. Wow.

Well, Alilo and Stitch is coming out. Zach needs a hit, so make sure you patronize this. I thought this was gonna be the hit, this podcast. Everything's riding on this. This is promo for the hit. Yeah. I'm not riding on this. I'm riding on a broom that's a little makeup brush.

That's right, Trunken Headed Baby Witch. You wanna plug this little baby brush, or what do you wanna plug? Yeah, flying on down to the Telluride Comedy Festival on February 14th, baby. Wait, where? Drunken-headed baby witch. Drunken-headed baby witch. And...

Telly Ride. Telly Ride Comedy Festival. You ever been there? She's got a telly to ride. They have a comedy festival. Yeah. It's itty bitty like me. It's been going on for many a year.

It's a good one too. You should go to it. As a patron. Yeah, go tonight after the water park and then we can move in. Do you ski? Yes. Oh, that's good skiing there.

Shunken headed baby moguls. Oh yeah, that's right. And Jack John Cates Gans, what do you wanna plug? I would say check out AP Bio now on Netflix. Oh yeah, it moved over to Netflix. That's right. More accessible. Every time you come here you plug AP Bio. Why is that? I like it. You like it? I like it.

You like it. It's got that guy from Always Sunny. That's right. My favorite Joe. Your favorite Joe. That's right. I want to plug, yeah, head over to CBB World. We have so many great shows over there. You get the complete archive of this show, every single episode we've ever done,

as well as every live episode we've ever done, including the last tour that we did during 2024. We did 43 shows last year. Those are all up at CBB World. We also have great shows like Hey Randy and Who Me with the Batman. Those are all CBB Presents. This book changed my life.

And Scott Hasn't Seen, where we watch movies and College Town, Neighborhood Listen, ad-free freedoms and the entire Freedom Archive. So many great things over there. And we have new action figures that are out now. We have, speaking of Hey Randy, we have Randy and Carissa action figures. They're on sale now.

They are by FC Toys. They will, they're shipping now. You can get them at figurecollections.com with free shipping with the US address, or in Europe with cheaper import fees at action figure seller.com. We also have Sprague and Big Sue and tour exclusives of JW Stillwater and Scott Aukerman are also available. Uh, and uh, I think that's all I have to plug. Let's close up the old plug bag. Wow, that was... let's see who was that.

That was the Red Lounge remix by T.E.W. Bond. Thanks guys. If you have any remixes or plug bag songs, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and upload them. You'll find all the stems you need up there. And Zach, I want to thank you so much for being here. Yes. Thank you for having me. You have fulfilled your duties to me as a friend.

Once a year. Once a year. I'll see you in 2026. Let me apologize, I'm never a good guest and I'm sorry. Noted and agreed with. Okay, well, as long as everybody knows. Yeah, and Shrek and Hattie. This is the most I've ever talked, I think,

during this. I know, you did a great job. But I apologize, I know that I'm not good. We enjoyed you on this today. Okay. Yeah, some good stuff. Thank you. Some good stuff, and I have big, big, big thoughts about your career. Yeah, I need a hit.

We're gonna get you back. Shrunken Head and Baby Witch, so good to meet you. So good to see you, see you in your dreams. I've seen Wicked twice, wait a minute. Yeah, I'll be there. You're going to be in my dreams? Yeah, I always am. You wait every single dream I've ever had you're there?

Every dream we've ever dreamt, every scream we've ever scrumped. Oh no, that was not a spell. I'll be watching you. It rhymes. Yeah. And Jack Cates, I'm so sorry that we never found out the location of the... The Dance Family Reunion! Yeah, before the end of the show. I mean, this is terrible. Wait a minute.

Bing! You've got mail! Jacket! Jacket! Okay, okay, okay, okay. Hi, Scott. It's me, Megan, again. The Family Reunion is tonight at the Denny's behind the Arby's behind the McDonald's.

And it's a theme party, so make sure you dress up. See you there. Love you. Megan. P.S. Ding! You got mail. Woosh!

What's the theme? What's the theme? We don't know the theme. We'll be at Three Humped Camel. That'll be a good idea. That'll work with any theme. All right. We'll see you there and we'll see you next week.

Thanks everyone. Bye.