Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Zip Your Lip, Eat The Key (Josh Gondelman, Vic Michaelis, Zach Reino)

Episode Date: July 14, 2025

This week, Josh Gondelman joins Scoop to discuss his Wikipedia page, his many Emmy awards, and his new stand-up comedy special “Positive Reinforcement” (streaming now on YouTube!). Then Pokémon trainers Ember Chuckit and Dash Grabum return with updates on what they’ve been up to. Finally, longevity expert Mark Fripp drops in to share some interesting views on the human race. Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb 

See you later alligator or in bit, you fucking hypocrite. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Booty and the Ho Fish for that catchphrase submission submitted in January of 2023. I'm just getting around to it. But thank you, Booty and the Ho Fish. Hope you're still a listener. Who knows if you are.

But welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. My name is Scott Ackerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang and we have an exceptional show this week. Coming up a little later, we have a trainer. We also have a longevity expert. But first, let's get to our guest of honor. We have a, look, I've said it before.

I'll say it again. Hopefully stars are back. Stars are back on Comedy Bang Bang. This is how I find out I'm getting bumped. Oh, sorry, yeah. Josh, you gotta go. No, he is a standup comedian. He is a three time Emmy award winner, I believe.

Four time. Four? Let me look at this Wikipedia page you have here. This says three. I edited it so that people say three and then I correct them to four. Oh, okay. What's the fourth?

Because you have three for writing John Oliver. All for John Oliver. So you won a fourth one in when? 2020? 2019. That's the last one that's on here. So I have four nominations and three wins on your Wikipedia page. What do we need to change?

I think, okay, I think we were nominated. Do you have so many Emmys you forgot how many that you have? Well, I brought one to my parents' house. That's what a lot of people were doing at the time, the staff, like, because they've won a million in a row. And I've since departed the show, which is, uh... The movie that departed was about you a bit. I think leaving John Oliver's show.

That's right. Yeah. Leonardo DiCaprio played me. He shoots you in the face at the end, right? It was's show. That's right. Yeah. Leonardo DiCaprio played me. He shoots you in the face at the end, right? It was an honor to be shot in the face by Leonardo DiCaprio. It was because I turned 26. Oh, okay, right. This is the kind of comedy he's known for, by the way. Topical.

Just out there knowing everything about pop culture. I brought one to my parents' house, though, and it became immediately controversial, where my mom was like, we'll put it right on the mantle in the front room. And my dad took it and put it up I brought one to my parents' house though, and it became immediately controversial where my mom was like, we'll put it right on the mantle in the front room. And my dad took it and put it up where my mom couldn't reach behind a picture of me and my sister in a different room. And she was like, well, it should be more prominently on display.

And my dad was like, well, we didn't win it. You got to take it back at that point. You got to, you have to repossess it. I couldn't let my dad win that much because I think that's what he would have preferred. Right. But so I have one nominated in 2015. Yeah. No win. No win.

Nominated in 2016, win. Yep. Nominated 2017, win. Yep. Nominated 2019, win. What about 2018? 2018, win. What is going on on this Wikipedia page?

I don't know, I don't know. Oh my God. I wish I still had editing status, but for some reason I've been banned for two years. You've been a renegade. You're editing. I accidentally clicked edit on a page the other day and it said, you still have one year and 11 months left on your two-year ban. I was like, who fucking banned me?

They had banned you one month before? Yeah. I've never edited a Wikipedia thing. I didn't. I wonder what you were banned for. I don't know. wonder what you were... what they... what you were banned for. I don't know. I gotta figure this out. We gotta get to the bottom of this. That's its own podcast. I don't wanna give away my IP address, though.

My assassination coordinates, IP-wise. But he is a now, I guess, four-time Emmy Award winner. Where do you keep the other three? The other three are on top of a dresser in our little home office in Second Empire. On top of a dresser. And they home office. On top of a dresser. And they are covered in cheese. Oh, they are.

Yeah, I went parody. I didn't do a double smoky. Went on top of a spaghetti. I used to teach preschool. That's where my brain goes. He has a new stand-up comedy special on YouTube, I believe. On YouTube.

Which I have watched approximately 10 minutes of. Thank you. And it's dynamite this morning before you got here. I'll tell you at 10 more minutes more than you had to. Well, I was like, am I being sent this special or not? And then I realized it was already out. So at that point I had to scramble. It's called Positive Reinforcement.

Please welcome Josh Gondelman. Thank you so much for having me, Scott. Yes, welcome to the One Timers Club. Thank you. Yeah. It's an honor. Yeah, you are a New York Scott. Thank you. Yes, welcome to the One Timers Club. Thank you. Yeah. It's an honor. Yeah. You are a New York comedian.

I am. At least centered in New York. I'm just looking at your Wikipedia page for errors right now. Yeah, we can fact check it. Apparently born in Stoneham, Massachusetts. Stoneham, Massachusetts. Stoneham, you say it the proper way. Well, we pronounce everything all stupid up there.

What is it about stone hams? Like, who's ever made a stone ham? I don't know. I've seen a statue of a pig once. That's probably as close as it gets. Yeah. Where was the statue of a pig? It was in the Charlotte's Web, wherever she wrote that.

Who wrote that? E.B. White. E.B. White. There's an E.B. White joke in the special. There is? Is that Minute Eleven? Yeah, you just missed it. What's the There's an EB White joke in the special. There is? Yes. Is that minute 11? Yeah, you just missed it.

What's the EB White joke? I have to know at this point. It is a joke about people who are annoying about grammar with people using non-binary pronouns, people who are like, oh, I can't do that, cause bad grammar. And I say, I didn't realize you were such a Strunk and White fan.

And then I call Strunk the Garfunkel of the group, but say I love the dirty Strunk funk. It is incredibly stupid. Where does E.B. White come in? E.B. White is the White of Strunk and White. Oh, oh, really? Yeah. Charlotte's Web, E.B. White is the White of Strunk and White?

What? Or we're gonna have to re-edit this fucker. Oh my God, I gotta look this up, hold on. And now I'm going to a different Wikipedia page. No, I don't like that. Oh my gosh, E.B. White. Stars, I don't like that. Oh my gosh. E.B. White. Stars are back and E.B. White is here.

No, I love Strunk and White. Oh, okay, I thought it was E.B. was a she, but E.B., although we don't know. Elwyn, Elwyn Brooks White. Would not have guessed Elwyn. Elwyn, yeah. With a gun to my head. Co-author of The Elements of Style. You don't see a lot of that Str strunken white kind of thing in Charlotte's Web

really all that much. I guess you don't pay attention to it when you're reading it, but it just reads really well. I think when Charlotte writes on the web, really pays attention to those principles of like concise writing, just like some pig.

And now I haven't read it in a number of decades, but Charlotte's Web writes stuff on these webs, right? Like writes words or something? Yeah, I don't think her name is Charlotte Swab, the spider. It's not Charlotte's Web? I think Charlotte, yeah, I think Charlotte is the spider. Charlotte is a spider.

Who writes on the web. Who writes like books in webs. I think it's just like slogans. Slogans. Yeah, it's just like little things, right? It'll be like spectacular. Or like, it's a lot. All lives matter.

In this web, we believe. This is the type of comedy he's known for. This kind of topical pop culture. Children's books from the, I wanna say 1720s. That's so funny that you have an E.B. White joke, although sharing it was strong. Yeah, it's a half E.B. White joke, although sharing it was Strunk. Yeah, it's a half E.B. White joke, half, I don't know. Who's Strunk?

I do not know. We got it, okay. Now I'm going over to the elements of style Wikipedia page. William Strunk Jr. Billy Strunk. Now this was written in 1918. Should we still be reading it?

You know what I mean? It is, there is a lot of questionable, problematic material in there. Yeah, I don't know. I think any, like what's the cutoff for books? Like we should be reading books from like, I think 2020 on. Okay, yeah.

And that's it, right? That's pretty good. Yeah, anything before that, it's dicey. It's, first of all, it's irrelevant. Exactly, what does it have to do with our lives? Yeah, what's it gonna say to me in 1918? Hello, Roald Dahl, and all your weird views. Why do I have to read you?

Yeah, we can write a new book about a chocolate factory. There's been enough times. Exactly, you and I should do this. We should do this. Scott and Josh and Charlie in the chocolate factory. Still Charlie. Wait, we're characters in it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And what about Charlotte and her web? She could be there too. Yeah, we'll put her in there. That's good. Why not? Yeah. Probably bad for the health inspectors, the chocolate factory. Oh, there's no health inspectors.

I think that Oompa Loompas like divert them any time they walk in. Just greasing their palms. Oh, you think they're bribing them? I thought there was like a series of diversions where they're like, look over there. Oh, and then they just go out through a big slide. Yeah, exactly.

Turned into TVs. Is that what happens in, generally in the chocolate factory, someone turns into a TV? Now I've gone so far away from your Wikipedia page, now I have to go back to it, I have to navigate my, okay, now I'm back. Graduated from Brandeis University.

Brandeis University. Brand is or Brandeis? Brandeis. Brandeis University in 2007. 2007. Where you double majored in creative writing. That's going to help with our book. Big. And English.

We're going to write it in English. I think that's the best choice for us. You're the perfect collaborator. Thank you, Scott. I am very excited for this project. And you minored in Spanish. I did. And are you fluent in Spanish?

Because I know you taught it. I did teach it. And I am not and was never fluent. You don't have to be, right? I was wildly, it is a, when people talk about like Nepo kid jobs, my mom was the director of a small private school and she hired me to teach Spanish at that school. You're a Spanish teaching Nepo baby.

Wow. Un bebe Nepo. Oh, okay. As I am making up the name. Sounds like you're pretty good at it, so I don't know. That's what the kids thought. Now you started doing standup comedy in Boston when you were 19 years old.

I'm just gonna read your Wikipedia page for the listeners. I need you to know that I'm totally okay with this and also wildly uncomfortable. The inside of me is roiling like a city. Have you edited your own page? I once was asked to go, I used to have a show on like Facebook watch or something. Weird brag.

Thank you. I used to have this show where I would edit celebrities Wikipedia pages with them. And then someone interviewed me and flipped it. So like, this was probably 2018 or 2017 was the last time I was involved. So it was pre before we have to pay attention to this. 2020 really is.

That's right. The world got more attuned to the issues of the day in 2020. Didn't we all have the black squares on our Instagram? You have a joke about that in the first 10 minutes of your special. You did stand up in Boston for seven years and occasionally returns. Wow.

That's gotta be a thrill. That was edited by my mom. It's nice that you occasionally returns. Wow. That's gotta be a thrill. That was edited by my mom. It's nice that you occasionally return. But man, when those Boston crowds see you return. They're like, wow, it's been, this has been occasional. After college, this is weird, why not talk about this pre-doing the standup? I don't know, but after college,

you worked as a preschool teacher, taught elementary school Spanish. In 2011, Gondelman moved to New York City where his then girlfriend lived to pursue standup comedy. That's right. Does she still live there? They live here now.

And what's the nature of your relationship now with this person? We are warm friends. There's a joke about them in the special. Oh really? Yeah. Okay, I gotta, God, I gotta watch that. It's actually right after the E.B. White one.

Is it? Okay. Back to back. All right. During this time, he also began doing freelance writing. Wow. Yeah. A lot going on in this Wikipedia. He co-wrote his first major story. So your first major story, how many major stories have you written? It might just be the one. We got to see what Wikipedia says.

Both sides of a breakup with his ex-girlfriend. It was published in New York Magazine in 2012. That's, ah man, that's 13 years ago. You need to write another major story. Well, we got this book coming up. I don't know if I'll have the time. Yeah, that's true. In 2013, he wrote a story for Esquire

describing his experience running in a Tough Mudder race. What's a Tough Mudder race? I could click on the Wikipedia page, but I'm worried I'm not gonna find yours again. It is like a 10 to 12 mile adult obstacle course. Adult always makes it sound sexual. It's an obstacle course for people who are grown up. Naked people.

Yeah, for naked people, and it's a sex obstacle course. Stuff that you fit in your butt, stuff that you put in your mouth, stuff you spit out of your mouth, yeah. Yeah, all the holes. He has also written for McSweeney's. You know the holes. You know the, folks, we love the holes, don't holes. He has also written for McSweeney's. You know, folks, we love the holes, don't we?

He has also written for McSweeney's, the New Yorker and the New York Times, the old gray lady, the paper of record. Tarnished image these days. I write all the stuff people hate. How do you feel about writing for such a company that's under duress right now? The New York Times, people love it for the games app,

but they can't separate them. I mostly pitch them Wordle ideas. Oh, really? I'm like, have you done sport? Yeah, I think we got that one. What about click? Here's the thing about Wordle. They let you enter words that aren't actual solution words.

And they go, and then when you read the Wordle bot, they're like, oh, it's a valid guess, but in my experience, that's not, uh, ever going to be a solution in word. Oh, it's like, well, don't let me fucking enter it. Yes. Yeah, that's not fair. I hate them. In October, 2015, a book co-authored by Gondelman and Joe Berkowitz. So you're a co-author as well. I'm a co-author. I have experience.

Yeah. I'm an experienced co-author. Okay. I need you to write 20 chapters by next week. By next week? Yeah. Do you think you can do this? Yeah. It's easy, right? How many total chapters are we thinking?

20, 20? Okay. Yeah. And then you'll put that Ackerman polish on it. Oh yeah. The sheen. The sheen. Um, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah. I can't imagine what's blah, blah, blah if you've read everything before. Blah, blah, blah. As a stand, blah, blah. I can't imagine what's blah, blah, blah if you've read everything before. As a standup, he's open for John Oliver, Jen Kirkman, and Pete Holmes, and also performs regularly at New York City venues. Oh man, I love the New York City venues. Love a venue.

That city has good venues. Many, and I'm there regularly, as opposed to Boston where I only am occasionally. Occasionally, of course. That's what the media knows. Everything's the best. His debut album came out in 2011. His second album, Physical Whisper,

was released on March 18, 2016. Okay, so not very, not specific, kind of vague about the day in 2011 for your first, but then you, very specific, March 18th in 2016. Mm-hmm. Hmm. I don't know. They, they, people really started to focus in on me in those interceding times.

Yeah, okay. So it was just like, yeah, I think something came out in 2011, but then people are paying attention. Okay, we're sitting up and taking notice. But then in 2010, he won the Laughing Skull Comedy Festival in Atlanta, Georgia. But then it took him six years to make his late night debut on Conan. Did they say it that way there? No, it doesn't say it that way.

That's me sort of. Editorializing. Editorializing because like what, you win this festival in 2010 and then Conan takes no notice of you until 2016. And then you're not on this show until 2025. What's going on? A lot of oversights.

You're a late bloomer here. I am a late bloomer. He made his network television debut, oh, okay, in January 2018 on Late Night with Seth Meyers. And you were a standup consultant for the final season of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Now, what was going on in the early seasons? Why did they not bring you in earlier?

Because you know what I mean? Like was the stand a bad? And then they're like, let's get someone, no, I've never seen the show. I don't know. They had other, they had a great team of other folks working on there. My good friend, Alison Leiby was there for awhile.

Noah Garden-Schwartz is really funny, he was there for awhile. And then they just needed somebody. I think there was some turnover and they needed somebody to come in for that last season. Okay. And it was really fun. So how do you write for Mrs. Maisel? She's, by all accounts, she's a housewife who's doing stand-up comedy in the 1910s or something.

I've never seen the show. I don't know whether it is. I think it starts in the 50s and goes into the 60s. Oh, wow. Mad Men style. Okay, so are they? I guess it's just also how time went. I guess so. Mad Men and also time went from the they? I guess it's just also how time went.

I guess so. Mad Men and also time went from the 50s to the 60s. It'd be interesting to watch a show and it starts in like the 50s or something and then the next season it's like a little bit earlier but you wouldn't really notice because there's still car hops and everything. But then season three is in the 40s and yet the characters are progressing.

They're aging. They're aging and everything. And you're like, what the... Is time backwards in this show? I like that it's like a reverse Simpsons where the characters stay the same, but time keeps going. This time goes backwards, characters go forwards. Yeah, it would be interesting.

We should write that too. We should. Maybe that could... Maybe you and Charlie and I can experience time that way. Okay, let's do that. Um, now, Seinfeld Today is a big heading on this Wikipedia page. So that means somebody edited this Wikipedia page in 2013. That's right, because in December 2012,

Gondelman created the Twitter account Seinfeld Today, along with Jacqueline Moore, formerly of BuzzFeed. The account posted humorous tweets. Oh man, I love to post a humorous tweet. I love a humorous tweet. I love a New York venue and a humorous tweets. Oh man, I love to post a humorous tweet. I love a humorous tweet. I love a New York venue and a humorous tweet. Reimagining Seinfeld characters in modern day situations. As of October 2015, the last time the account was active,

it had more than 900,000 followers. And at the sixth annual Shorty Awards in 2014, do these still exist? Shorty Awards, what are these? I think they do. I think I still get like seven emails from them per week. They want you to like give money to the Shorty Awards, like, hey, thanks for winning one.

Like, you know, is it like Harvard where you have to build a library to the Shorty Awards? That's right, and it's their ranking on the US News and World Report as an award show goes up, the more alumni donate. Does Harvard have enough libraries? Like everyone wants to build a library for them, you know? Yeah.

I've never been to Harvard. Is it just like 80 libraries? It's a lot of libraries. I was just there last week. What were you doing there? My wife had a book launch event at the Harvard Bookstore, and they asked me to come and interview her on stage for it. OK, so that's one of your occasional returners.

So I can't go back for a little while, because otherwise they'll have to update it to frequent. I want to add this to your Wikipedia page, but I don't have editing privileges. No way, you know what you did. He was in Harvard last week. With his wife. We talked about your wife's book off mic. We did. But people can investigate it how. They... Her name is Maris Kreisman. The book is called I Want to Burn This Place Down. It's a really, really wonderful essay collection. She want to burn this place down. It's a really really wonderful essay collection She's extremely brilliant and lovely and like it's a really warm and compassionate kind of Exploration of having an expanding political imagination and she's on she's on tour now, but won't be she has her own Wikipedia page

That we could read that's exciting. We get bored later. Yeah, we have a packed show though So I'm gonna blah blah. Probably not gonna get into Barrett's Wikipedia page. I'm gonna blah blah blah some of the rest of your Wikipedia page. Blah blah blah John Oliver, we've talked about that. Blah blah blah other shows. Blah blah blah wait wait don't tell me. Blah blah blah personal life.

Nothing bad in your personal life by the way. That's good. Anytime we book someone on Comedy Bang Bang now, that's the first thing I do. I go right to the Wikipedia page and I click on personal life. Control F controversy. Yes.

Yes. Awards. We've already talked about how inaccurate that is. Yeah, we don't know. Maybe it says I have a Nobel Prize or something. You do have a Peabody. I have two Peabodies. You son of a...

This just says one. Well, this, they blacked out 2018. I don't know what was happening to whoever edited my Wikipedia page. Maybe they had a lot of personal stuff going on in 2018. What's that like to be like a silly comedian who then wins a Peabody? Do you feel like you deserve it? No!

No! You don't, right? I don't deserve anything. I don't think I deserve to be here, Scott. I agree. Thank you. But you're in the esteemed one-timers club. And it feels terrific. Um, discography, four things, filmography,

not as much as I would have expected. More of a writer than an actor, as my grandmother used to tell me after seeing me in place. I know. Aw. But you were on Night Train with Wyatt. Yeah, that was fun. At midnight once?

Once. I'm a one-timer. That to me is like, they'll take anybody there, so to only do once, that feels personal. I like to believe it's because I live far away and they don't like to fly. You're not a local hire. I was not.

Okay, George Lucas talk show, so much great stuff. Works and publications. Now, I want a works and publications heading on my Wikipedia. Once this book drops. I mean, works, you know what I mean? Works does feel substantial. I know, I've written comic books.

That's cool. And we have that book that I sort of wrote four pages of. But, and rewrote some of it, to be honest. Works feels like the statue of a pig could be part of it. That's true. Selected articles, this is a huge, this is your biggest entry on Wikipedia, selected article. And just think about all the articles they did select. I know, and then WikiWhat, whatever the, this is your biggest entry on Wikipedia, selected article. And think about all the articles they didn't select.

I know. And then WikiWhat, whatever the fuck this is. That was the one where I interviewed people. Okay, watch TJ Miller have a checkup with the Wikipedia-trition. Should I click on this? You don't gotta. Okay, great. I won't.

Well, this, and then it takes us to references, which you have, I mean, this is the biggest thing. You have 55 references on your Wikipedia, bitch. Just today I've referenced E.B. White. I've referenced. Let me look up how many references I have on mine. Let's see. I have 56. Whoa.

Son of a bitch. I am doing slightly better. I truly, I think it is, I would say, and I say this with love and appreciation, an inordinate number of people who enjoy my comedy, like a disproportionate, unexpected amount, just based on a random guess, are librarians. A lot of, that's not a joke.

Do you think that's because of your comedy or the way you look? You have a librarian air about you. I do have like a library face. I'm very comfortable being shushed. Hey, I'd like you to go on a blind date with my friend. I warn you, he has a library face. And honestly, library body.

Library body, library mind. Reference librarian face with a children's section booty. Yeah, I think so. I librarian face with a children's section booty. I don't know. I think so, yeah. I don't know about children's section booty. Adult section booty. Adult section booty, thank you. Well, this Wikipedia page is jam-packed

with fun stuff to talk about. But what's not on there, and the reason that I was confused about this special and thinking it was gonna be sent to me is positive reinforcement is out now. It's been out for a couple of weeks. Yeah, it's out on YouTube on Blonde Medicine's YouTube channel. They're the record label I work with.

They're really wonderful. Dom and Jess are the best. And the great thing about YouTube is they will insert ads wherever they want, including in the middle of punchlines. In the middle of a word, in the middle of a punchline. They know best. They know what they'reline. They know best. They know what they're doing. They know where the ads go.

And I watched 10 minutes of it and was only subjected to about 20 ads, which I thought was a good ratio. But this is exciting. How's it feel to have this special out in the world? It's really, I'm really excited that it's out. I worked really hard on it. We put together a really great team

that because of Blonde Medicine being so wonderful. When you say a team, what do you mean? Do you tag out to other comedians in the middle of the special? God, that would be so much better for the audience. That'd be a good special, I think. People do it wrestling style where they're just like, I'm tired, tag out to another comedian.

And then at one point of the set, you're just like, oh my gosh, that's Jeff Fox or these music. I got to work with a director that I love. Who is this? Chris Werner. Oh, great. I worked with it last week tonight and now works at Saturday Night Live. He directs a lot of Please Don't Destroy segments. He's wonderful.

And he put together a really great group on the production side. And it just like is so wonderful to me to get to do something that's just like the standup that I do at New York venues, occasionally in Boston, other cities as well. But to do that and then to get to make something bigger than what I could do on my own of just like, I set up my phone and I put it out in the world. And so it's really great marketing. Are there specials out there where it's just someone setting up their phone? I think there are many that are close to that or Or like, you get one camera or a couple cameras. And it really meant a lot to me that the record label

gave me the investment that we could really make this, make it look really nice, I think. It looks great. Thank you. Yeah, it's colorful, you have a good backdrop. Yeah. You make a joke about the backdrop right away. Right away.

Which makes me feel comfortable. Like, he knows what the backdrop looks like. Yeah. Like, sometimes comics get up there, and it's like, they don't even know what they're standing knows what the backdrop looks like. Yeah. Sometimes comics get up there and it's like, they don't even know they're standing in front of them. I know. Geez. It's like, I know what your mom is

and I know what your dad is, so I know what that makes you, but what are you standing in front of? Um, and are there pictures of your mom and dad out there online? Can we see what you would look like just split up into the DNA from one half into, you know what I mean? I do know what you mean. I don't think there are. That's too bad. My parents lurk on social media and instead of creating an account to engage, they just

text me about things they've seen. Well it's a, from what I can tell, I've seen approximately one sixth of this special. Positive reinforcement is probably the year's best special. You know, hmm, I'm trying to think. I've seen some pretty good ones this year. Well, which ones are we talking about? Oh, you know what? That wasn't from this year though.

Lisa Trager's is very funny. She's not on this show. That's right. You know what? I'll say it's the best special of the year. It's the best one! Best one of the year. You might win your fifth Emmy, fourth on your Wikipedia page.

Or third still. We don't know where these be, they're out to lunch, Scott. Exactly. Everyone should watch it. Now we have to take a break, but can you stick around? I would love to stick around.

Because we have a trainer coming up, and I think both of us could use maybe some training. You know, I mean, you have librarian face and body, and I have something indescribable. Maybe they're face trainers. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Can you imagine if, like, you could work out

and it would make you more handsome? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha People, wait, guys do that now. Do they now? It's like young, like red pill kids, like chew, they do like a thing to like strengthen their jawline. I don't know what that red pill is, but I gotta investigate that. I, it sounds like a Batrix reference, which is really cool. No, no, no, Scott, no. And it's also a Maroon 5 album, so. Is it a Maroon 5 album?

Yeah, we'll talk about that in the break. Look, we have to take a break. When we have a comeback, when we have a trainer comeback? What? Don't call it a comeback. When we come back, we have a trainer. We also have a longevity expert. This is a dynamite show.

You have to stick around. We're going to come right back. We'll be right back with more Josh Gondelman. More Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back after this. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Josh Gondelman is here. We went onto the Wikipedia of Red Pill Blues, found out it was released in 2017, which is a little too late for Maroon 5 to have called that album that.

But hey, who are we to judge, right? I'm judging. Are you really? I am. Are you really? I am. Are you a judgmental person? You seem like a warm, friendly person. I am warm and friendly, but I do, there is some judgment in here.

And it's mostly for stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. You have to be as a comedian, right? I think so. You have to be somewhat judgmental and say like, this person needs to be called out on stage by the likes of me. The likes of me. My likes.

How many likes do you have on x.com, the everything app? Oh gosh, I mostly use it for banking, so I don't think a lot about the likes. Okay, yeah. It's secure banking, I found. It's so secure, which is good, because I'm a little bit on edge, so I go there, I just feel like I use.

I just feel secure. Yeah. Well, we have to get to our next guest. This is very exciting. We have a trainer, and I'm reading, she's been on the show before, okay. Please welcome back to the show, Ember Chuckett. Geodude, I choose you!

Geodude, come on. Geodude, when you don't get out of the Pokeball, I feel upset because you promised me you were gonna get out of the Pokeball, I feel upset because you promised me you were gonna get out of the Pokeball and that embarrassed me. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I remember you, Ember Chucket. Yeah.

You're not a personal, like, you're not a physical trainer. Scott, we had a 30 minute phone call before this. Your pre-interview? Yes, where I said, I'm a Pokemon trainer. That was me trying to figure out the zoom. All the buttons. I was on mute, I didn't realize my camera was off. Do you want me to remind you what we talked about last time?

Yeah. Professor Oak sent me here because we had this new initiative with all the Pokemon, where because they're sort of isolated inside of the Pokeballs, we gave them internet. Unfortunately, instead of sort of like, you know, doing fun things, like Googling YouTube videos, they all got red-pilled immediately and sort of became

9-11 truthers. Sort of like the red-pilled blues that we were talking about. Yeah, kind of exactly like that. They were really, they kept being like, we're really big Matrix fans, but unfortunately it sort of was a little bit late for that reference. Okay, yeah, I kind of remember this,

but I, just a few follow-ups. What is Pokemon again? No. No. I think it's go, Pokemon go. Explain this to me. Yeah, go, Pokemon. So Pokemon essentially are little.

Is this something that goes to the polls I've heard? Well to us it would be like animals, you know what I mean? But I guess for, if they're little like, to you it would be like pocket monsters. You know what I mean? They're like these tiny little guys and you keep them in pokeballs.

What do you mean to me? Because I don't know what pocket monsters are either. Well I'm from the Kanto region, so that's just sort of like our wildlife. But for you it would be like. Oh yeah, the Kanto region. Yeah, I have another friend who's from the Kanto region. Don't even get me started on this,

on your other friend that- I- Gun turtle, I choose you! Stop. Oh, Chuck it, how are you? Oh hey Dash! Nice, hey buddy, how's it going? How's it going?

Bring it in, buddy. Yeah, hug it out and pound it out. Dash, Dash. And move to the left. Move to the right. Move to the right. How about side to side, no open dash. And I'm in here too, and I'm moving.

Do you have a gun? No, I gave the I'm in here too, and I'm moving. Do you have a gun? No, I gave the Squirtle a gun, and now it's a gun turtle. Thanks for giving internet to that Pokeball, by the way. I have not lost a single fight, and everyone I've fought is dead. Okay Dash, this is kind of my thing. This is my interview, so.

Yeah, sorry Josh. I had a little question about that. Yeah, about what? Because I didn't understand any of it. When Pokemon fight, did they usually die or not die? They never did before. I had a little question about that. Yeah, about what? Because I didn't understand any of it. When Pokemon fight, did they usually die or not die? They never did before. Now they do.

Now they die? We've upped the stakes, baby. Now that we got internet, internet makes everything better. So unfortunately, it's been sort of a series of street jugs and also weapons. Did you know that? Did you know that? I subscribed to that. And you're the only one.

Yeah, but I get it in the mail. Three days before it comes out on newsstands. Oh, you're a Street Jungs Patreon member? Of course. Yeah, sorry Josh. These guys, Dash is my bro. He's been on the show for now like, like almost a decade, I think.

Yes, and I'm still 11 years old. And he's from the Kanto region. I'm from the Kanto region. And I'm different, I'm Ember, and I'm also 11 years old, and I'm also from the Kanto region. We're from the same region. We're from the same region. We're actually neighbors, so it's, you know,

we've known each other for a very long time. Well, it's really nice to meet you both. It's really nice to meet me because I'm the guest on the show, and Dash is sort of an intruder. Well, I mean, we have an open door policy on the show. Do we? Any guest can kind of come in here.

Because I had to knock a lot because it was locked when I got here. That's how I got in. I have a key. Also, I put an Apple AirTag on Ember so I sort of know where she is. And when I saw she was coming here, I was like- Don't you get that alert?

You're traveling with an AirTag? No, I have an Android. Oh no. But when I saw she was coming here, I was like, well I gotta come here to see my boy Scott, who I know loves to talk about Pokemon. Look, I've learned everything I know about Pokemon from you, Dash.

Okay, that's actually kind of hurtful because we spent a lot of time talking very specifically. Okay, okay Dash. Wait, you were working on like a thing. Dash, I'm here to give the update from Professor Oak, so if you wanna be here, you just kind of have to be supportive. Do you know Professor Oak, Dash?

Yeah, he's like, okay, picture the oldest man you know. Let me explain. Okay. I'm picturing myself right now. Picture the oldest man you know. Okay, but he's like. Get myself out of my mind, hold on. When you turn 11, you get to go to his house and he's like, here's three of them.

Get to? Yeah. No, it's totally normal. He takes you to a room in his house and he's like, here's three of them. Next? Get to? No, it's totally normal. He takes you to a room in the back and your parents are not there. He closes the door. He closes the door. The lights are off, but then he turns them on. And then he turns around in a big chair.

They should be on when you get there. But don't worry, the light is very fluorescent. So it's very, very bright. It's real bright and it hurts your eyes. He locks the door behind you so that the Pokemon can't escape. And then he says, choose one of these three, and you say, I'll take them all.

And he says, you can't do that. You can only have one of them. And I say, this gun I have says differently. And then he says, where did you get that? And then I say, the internet. Yeah, and then he's like, don't you need a license for that? And you are sort of like, well, I used a VPN and I ordered it from Florida from a gun show

because you can do that online. Either way. 3D printed it too or? You can, yes. It's a ghost gun, untrackable. That's how Dash got on the plane with it. Ghost gun, is that a Pokemon? I'm behind here.

Oh yeah, no, ghost guns are something different. You gotta look it up. In fact, look up the blueprints for it. But ghost gun is a new Pokemon, it's just not spelled the way you think it's spelled. I'm gonna do this because I like to be on lists. Yep. So you guys have known each other for years.

11 years. Since you were born. Since we were born. We were actually born on the same day in the same hospital. Some people say we're related, but we were raised in different households. We were raised in different households. And I think people think that because we have the same hair

and the same eyes and very similar names. And because I only have a mom who lives with a Mr. Mime and you only have a dad who lives with the jinx that we're somehow. But we can't be siblings because I have a ripped, I have half of a ripped photo. And I have the other half of a ripped photo. And if we were siblings, it would be the same half.

It would be the same half. It'd be the same photo. I don't think that's how it works. Yeah, I think that's how it works, Scott. Because you're not in my picture. No, I think that's how it works, Scott. Okay. Because you're not in my picture. No, and you're not in my picture. So, you have siblings, Scott?

Yeah. And in the pictures with your siblings, you're both in them, right? Yeah, but I haven't written... So, that's exactly what I'm explaining to you, Scott. That's what it would be. How about you, Josh? You got siblings? I have a sister, and when there's a picture of both of us, we're both in it. Exactly.

But we haven't, I've never ripped a picture of my sister. Why not? It's fun. My hope is that I can go on SNL and do it for the first time protesting her. Oh, yes. Oh, it's Nade style. Yeah.

That's really smart. Okay, wonderful. Please don't tell the Pokemon that. I would never. I don't, I've never met one. Okay, well, hey, maybe we can change that today. Geodude, I choose you! It's not coming out. Why is Geodude not coming out?

Because. Well, okay, I'm here to sort of explain sort of the next phase of what Professor Oak was going out, so you gotta be so quiet during this part. Okay. Dash. What? I'd rather hear this from you.

Can I translate? You can hype me up to Scott only. Okay. Okay, yeah. So I won't listen when Dash. Ear, ear, ear! What up, fuckers? It's time for Ember Chucket.

Okay. Here, by the way, Jet Fuel doesn't melt steel beams. Okay, don't stand in front of me when you're doing that. Here she is. Thank you. Ember Chucket. Thank you very much for that introduction, Dash. You're welcome!

Okay, so essentially here's what happened. Okay. All of the Pokemon got red-pilled pretty hard, so we decided they needed some sort of a belief system. Ooh! Okay. So we introduced the Pokemon to world religion in the hopes that it would chill them out a little bit. Praise be! Maybe give them something to believe in.

We really sort of were like, what about Buddhism or Hinduism? So you started there. Yeah, and so essentially what they decided is they were all gonna join the same mega church in Wheaton, Illinois. And now they're all part of the Trump administration. Okay, the Pokemon all are?

So my geodude specifically is a secretary of the exterior, which basically means he gets filler for everybody else in the administration. That's why he won't come out of the Pokeball, he is not here. Yeah, so we're sort of in group therapy right now and he's sort of not attending, but that's sort of like a new thing that we're bringing.

So all these people we've heard about, the Stephen Millers, they're all Pokemon? A lot of them. A lot of them are Pokemon. Not all, but a lot of them. Okay. You ever notice how they're sort of like one dimensional, almost like cartoonishly evil?

Yeah. That's usually, that's a Pokemon. That's a Pokemon. Kristi Gnome just is a monster, just sort of is like a normal person, but the rest of them pretty much are Pokemon. Okay, so is this a problem or is this cool? I can't tell from-

Oh, I don't know, Scott, is it a problem sort of having an animal run the country, having sort of like a little sort of like pocket monster? Sort of only instinct is to battle and fight other things. And then when they die, sort of regenerate and get back up and fight some more. And they have guns now. Yeah.

Some of them do. Yeah, some of them have grenade launchers. Is RFK Jr. a Pokemon? No, but there's- He looks like he's died like 20 times. There's one inside of him. Yeah, yeah, sort of running his brain. Oh, inside the brain.

The worm is a Pokemon? Brain worm. Brain worm. I choose you, except I never do. And I read in the New York Times that he once hit a Pokemon with a car and just put it on the top No Yeah, yeah this guy. Yeah Wow

Okay, so so you guys want to what recapture the Pokemon and take them back or what are you doing? Oh my god, we never even considered that What is there sort of out there sort of out? Yeah, I mean I spent a lot of time trying to like capture Subjugate train bring to battle. Oh, by the way Scott. Yeah. I mean, I spent a lot of time trying to like capture, subjugate, train, bring to battle. Oh, by the way, Scott, here's what I actually came to say. Oh, okay. Yeah. I won it all, baby. What do you mean?

I won the Pokemon League. You won the Pokemon League? Congratulations. Congratulations. Pokemon, thank you. You were talking about that for so long. I know. You wanted to win it.

Well, first I was like, I want to win it all. Then I kept getting my ass handed to me. Right, yeah. Especially when I lost the use of our mutual friend first I was like, I want to win it all. Then I kept getting my ass handed to me. Right, yeah. Especially when I lost the use of our mutual friend, Andy Richter, who's- I know, yeah, he was trapped in the Pokemon ball for a while. I then decided he didn't want to be there anymore. I'm really sorry about that, Dash.

Yeah, that's okay. He doesn't return my calls. I think- You're not on Three Questions? What? He has a radio show where people call in. Maybe you could call his radio show. Yeah, just call in.

No, I don't have a phone. I just have a sort of tablet that I used to track Ember. Okay It's sort of one of those ones where it's like I can always tell what he's googling because it also shows up on my notifications Oh, okay. And then sometimes my mom gets mad and she turns off the T-mobile and then I just have to go to a coffee shop Yeah, but then you start working at that coffee shop coffee shop at WiFi. Yeah but then you started working at that coffee shop and you make me mean macchiato. I work at Pete's coffee.

You work at Pete's. That should be spelled P-E-T-E-S. The one I work at is. Oh it is. In the Contra region it's spelled Pete's. Yeah that makes more sense. Okay so I mean yeah this seems like a simple solution is. Oh does this seem like a simple solution Scott? It seems like a really simple solution. I mean I've, this seems like a simple solution is either. Oh, does this seem like a simple solution, Scott?

It seems like a really simple solution. I mean, I've never played this Pokemon thing that you guys are talking about, so I have no idea how hard it is. You've never played life, Scott? I have played life. These children are so confident. I know. It's a new generation.

It's kind of crazy, because we keep getting asked to be on podcasts, and then we'll sort of explain our problems. And Scott's like, how would you solve it? And then we're like, we for 11 years old. It's like all the adults in our life professor Oak, too They're like constantly putting all of these massive like real-world problems on us. Yeah, like oh How do you guys fix it? How would you guys solve it? I mean, there's one very simple solution some might say the final solution, which is just to exterminate all of them The final solution is that a maroon five out?

is just to exterminate all of them. The final solution, is that a Maroon 5 album? Hold on, let me Google that really quick. Yeah. Nobody told them not to call it that. I think you just exterminate them all, let God sort it out, and then start all over with the Pokemon. I actually accidentally had cereal, and so all of that is in the search right now. You had cereal?

Let God sort it out. What? What? Oh, God. No, Cereon. Oh, cereal. Oh, cereal? Let God sort it out. What? What? Oh God. No, Siri on. Oh Siri, oh you had Siri. Oh, Siri All, the podcast. Yeah, the first podcast. Yeah.

The Adam and Eve of podcasts. Oh yeah. We have that in the Kanto region too, but it's about how Captain Crunch killed the Count Chocula. Yeah. I had no idea. With his bare hands. Oh God.

Snapped his neck. Right in half. He has that sword. What does he need to? Sometimes when you're that angry, you don't hands. Oh, God. Snapped his neck. Right in half. He has that sword. Sometimes when you're that angry, you don't even go for the weapon. Apparently swords don't work on vampires too. Yeah. And so what was the podcast about?

It just kind of detailed what had been in the news? Well, because there wasn't a camera in the room, so it was sort of like he said he didn't do it. Okay. Did they finally set him free after the podcast exonerated him? I don't know that they've set him free yet, did they? I don't know. I don't know.

I think that he's in the process of being set free. It's tricky because Count Chocula is sort of up and walking around, but he is legally dead. Legally dead. Yeah. But we don't know if he was always legally dead or if he's just now. That's the tough thing, you can't be tried twice

for a murder that didn't. Well, in the Contra region, you can absolutely be tried twice for the same crime. Oh, this is so weird. This justice system sounds like there's some real flaws in it. Well... Not like our perfect one. We don't pay a lot of attention... Well, I won't speak for Amber. I don't pay a ton of attention to it because I'm mostly focused on racking up those badges. Yeah.

Wait, so you won the... The league. The league. So do you still con- I don't know what these things are, but do you still continue on? I'm the reigning champion, which means now I have to fight whoever comes up next. Have you ever battled in this league? Yeah. And have you ever battled in this league?

Okay, shut up, Dash. Yes, I tried battling in the league once. Actually, I made it all the way to the final gym and I had to battle the reigning champion in order to try and win. Who was the reigning champion at that time? Dash was the reigning champion at that time. Dash, you were the reigning champion.

Congrats, buddy. Thank you so much. I forgot to mention, I've been the reigning champion for two years. Congrats, man. The story that Ember's talking about takes place last year. Okay. So I sort of worked really hard.

I got all these badges. I got to the final battle. You did really well. And it was kind of crazy because it was the first time my dad had ever come to watch me perform. And your mom was also in the stands. Yeah, they were next to each other in the stands. Yeah.

And they kept looking at each other. I was like, what's going on over here? I was like, that's so weird. There's so many seats in these stands. And they were all empty. Yeah. Which was unusual because it was the final. The finals final which is like a big thing where we but it's not a popular event It was like the nba bubble where it was just you guys the pokemon the referees. Oh, yeah

Yeah, they didn't want they didn't want to hit the kanto region by the way just last year. Yeah Okay, so I finally got around there. It's why dash has been the reigning champion for the last two years There's just been like there have not been if been, if I'm being honest, Scott, there haven't been a lot of other competitors in the league because I did try to do the league. Normally this stadium seats what, 60,000 people? 62. But it was only your mom and dad this year?

Your mom and your dad. I don't have a dad and that's just how it is. Yeah. Okay. And my mom went to war and never came back is what my dad said. Oh, okay. Well, I guess if I showed up to an empty stadium, I'd probably sit next to the only other person there.

It would be weird if you were like, you know, on opposite ends of the stadium. It was good that they didn't sit on other sides because I would have gotten distracted. Anyway, so I'm distracted. Anyway, so what happened in this big battle? Essentially what happened was me and my dad had this secret code that we would do

where anytime I would look at him, he'd give me a thumbs up. And so I sort of- Wait, that's a secret code? Anytime he would look at you? Anytime I, oh right, yeah. Anytime he would look at me, I would give him a thumbs up. He gets really nervous in the stands. So even if you weren't looking at him,

but he looked at you, you would give him a thumbs up. I'd still look at what I was doing, but I'd give him a thumbs up just to let him know it was okay. That's a beautiful bond to have with a parent. Yeah, it was really amazing. I love taking care of my dad. It's a big part of my responsibility as an 11 year old in the Kanto region.

Maybe too much responsibility for an 11 year old, but in any case, go ahead. So essentially what happened was I could feel him looking at me. I gave him a thumbs up. And at the second that I could look at him, I saw him crying and running out of the arena. And that messed me up so badly.

What happened? Why was he crying? Why did he run out? I don't know. His crying must have been contagious because my mom was right next to him sobbing her eyes out. So we took a technical timeout to make sure that crying wasn't a COVID symptom. Thanks for making the T symbol three times. Technical timeout. I get the idea. You seem like you needed the symbols.

I appreciate it. I don't know how it translates over here. We can look up the Wikipedia entry for timeout if you need sort of a little bit of a handout. I get the idea. You seem like you needed the symbols. I appreciate it. Yeah, I don't know how it We can look up the Wikipedia entry for time out But only if you'll read the whole thing to us Scott Has the show gone downhill? I'm just reading Wikipedia pages The show can't have gone downhill. The stars are back probably right? The stars are back. Do I have Wikipedia entry?

Do you? I don't know. Dash grab them, let's see. Wait, do you think I'm a part of your Wikipedia page entry? You better be. Nothing coming up, unfortunately. Dang. Tech-canto-pedia. Yeah, tech-canto-pedia.

We have a Dash American rapper. Is that you? Mm, might be. Wait. Do you rap? Yeah, you do have that really famous rap song. Yeah. It's to the, it's to sort of the beat of the Star Spangled Banner. It's like a trap mix of the Star Spangled Banner.

Oh, say! Can you see? The government is lying to me! That's how it starts. That's how it starts! I can't wait to hear how it ends! That's incendiary. Yeah.

Let's try to do a patter song. Ready? Five, six, seven, eight. And everyone is there and they are being very mad. And if you look into the stems, you'll find your mom, but not your dad because you do not have a dad and you only have a mom. Oh no, everybody hide from the bombs.

Oh, say can you see. This is dynamite. I haven't heard this. This is popular though in the Kanto region. Oh, it's so popular. It's been number one for the last two years. COVID has gotten rid of a lot of the other musical arts. Oh yeah.

You have a lot going on, Dash. This is incredible. Oh, by the way, so your mom and dad both ran out of the stadium. What happened to the competition at that point? Well, at that point I get all flustered. I'm really worried about it. And so I'm sort of like, you know,

trying to rush Geodude out of the ball. I'm getting a little bit flustered. He doesn't want to get out because he doesn't think I'm appreciating him. And also he doesn't take orders from women anymore. It was a really kind of a tough situation. Yeah. So what happened?

Oh, hydro cannon. I blast dozed in a hydro cannon and just knocked. Straight to the ball. I got ball straight to the temple. I passed out, woke up three days later. Some people think that it's a good strategy to have the Pokemon fight the other Pokemon. I find if you take out the trainer,

that's gonna sort of take care of all. Oh yeah, that's of all the other Pokemon Not anymore but at the time they didn't it was more of a norm and not a rule Needs to now be a rule. Yeah, but this is you got to take out the alien Queen, you know And then all the other aliens just sort of like lie down and go to sleep alien In in the alien franchise the Ridley Scott and then all the other aliens just sort of like lie down and go to sleep. Alien. In the Alien franchise, the Ridley Scott franchise. Sorry, but the Alien. Do you not know that word or do you not know the franchise?

Alien. Alien. Alien. Alien. The franchise I know for sure. Then you must know the word. No, I'm familiar with the film. Yeah, what's your name? So Alien Covenant. Sigourney Weaver.

Ridley Scott. Ridley's Believe It or Scott. Ridley's Believe It or Scott wax museum, but Alien. How do you feel about Prometheus, if I were to say that word? Prometheus, I know the deity, but what are you? It's part of the Alien franchise. I know the legend about fire.

Right. Yes, Josh. Okay, maybe we can try a different tag. If you want to defeat all of Abba, you have to take out the Dancing Queen. Yes, there you go, maybe we can try a different tag. Like, if you want to defeat all of Abba, you have to take out the Dancing Queen. Yes, there you go. Yeah, that's a place to start. Well, that one I understood.

You understand that, okay. You've seen Voyager? Huh? Abba Voyager? Is that what it is? No, that's Star Trek. Voyage. Oh, I thought you were... Although, we got to write Abba Voyager.

Now we have to. This is our third project together. I'm going to be a huge part of your Wikipedia page. Oh, I thought you guys were talking about music. Yeah, that's true. I thought you guys were talking about music. ABBA. Yeah. The notes. ABBA.

ABBA. Those are good notes. Do you have perfect pitch, Dash? That was beautiful. I have relative pitch, but thanks. That's always number two on the track. Yeah. That's it. That's the whole song. The whole song. Well, that must be embarrassing for you, Ember,

to be blasted in the face with a hydro cannon like that. Well, no one else was there to watch. Yeah. Including my dad. I woke up in the hospital and he wasn't even there. Have you seen him since? Have I seen my dad since? Yeah, that's the question I'm asking.

Wait, yeah, my mom was in the hospital and like weeping over you and she wouldn't talk to you? She wouldn't talk. When you woke up and we were like, I was like, mom, what are you doing at the hospital and like weeping over you and she wouldn't talk to you? She wouldn't talk. When you woke up and we were like, I was like, mom, what are you doing at the hospital? She must've got the wrong hospital room. Yeah, I thought she was a nurse for the second. Then I'm like, I recognize you. You were at the battle.

Right. And she was weeping over you. And then what were you doing? I was outside trying to find my mom and all there was was an inconsolable man who I later remembered was your dad. Yeah. Who was like, I have to tell them, I have to tell them. And because my dad wasn't around,

your mom just sort of like was like, well, why don't you come stay with me for a couple of days? But you weren't around at all. Where were you? Oh, I don't live- I sort of was staying with your mom for a little bit. Yeah, in my room. Yeah.

And then what happened to you? Were you with my dad during that time? No, he really wanted me to take care of him. And I was like, no, this is not for me. My mom and I have a sort of like, she fills up my T-Mobile prepaid card when I need her to, and apart from that, I do not see her that much. She and the Mr. Mime take care of the house. I think the Mr. Mime does a lot of the work.

Your dad lives with the Jinx, which is wild. Yeah, which was, well, I don't like her. She's my stepmom. Oh, really? Yeah. lives with the Jinx, which is wild. Yeah, which was it. Well, I don't like her. She's my stepmom. Oh, really? Yeah. What's she? What's the jinx? Do you have a phone? Yeah. Google Jinx Pokemon. Google Jinx first.

I actually do think you're going to need the visual. The visual is important. This is a this is a woman Pokemon who sort of post 2020 maybe wouldn't have been, wouldn't have been one. Like Jinx is definitely has... Jinx looks a little slightly like a racist caricature. You know, that is exactly sort of what I was thinking. It absolutely, that is absolutely...

There's blackface vibes to it for sure. A lot of the pictures are colored purple, but even that saying that sounds like a racist kind of thing, the color purple. But there are several that are just pure jet black. Anyway, Jinx is Ember's stepmom. Well, sort of, yeah. My dad is a little bit problematic across the board.

He keeps saying, I'm trying to sort of fill sort of this void that I have inside me. And you're not totally, well, I mean, like he doesn't say it like this, but I can tell like, you know, raising me isn't totally doing that. And he sort of- You should try just sort of like leaving the house and not coming back for long periods of time. Going on an adventure around the world, winning badges and friends, giving the animals around you firearms. I mean, this is what Dash did.

And I mean, you've been doing this for 11 years since you were 11 years old, right? That's right. And, you know, I mean, that must be hard on your parents to have kids that never age. Do your parents age? I don't really pay attention. I don't know, does yours?

Yeah, it's really hard to say. Yeah. It's just sort of peanut style, where when they talk, they just kind of go. So you know peanuts, you know the Aliens franchise. Well, no, we know peanuts, the food. The food, you know when you eat peanuts and you go. Oh, when you eat it, you go, I'm numb, numb, numb, numb.

Yeah, exactly. What did you think we were talking about? No idea, but in any case, I mean, that's a hard, that's a tough loss for you, Ember. Yeah. And it must be tough for you to be in Dash's shadow. He's so accomplished for an 11 year old. Well, I'm not gonna be in a shadow much longer

because I'm taking your advice and I actually am moving. Whoa. That's cute. What was my advice? I'm taking Dash's advice. Oh, Dash's advice. My advice. So you got so mad at me for doing the timeout

and then I pointed to Dash and sort of like that, that just was like too much. I didn't notice it, yeah, I'm only looking at you from the chin up at this point. Oh, well that's because this table is so tall. Because we're so short. We're so short. Because we're 11 years old.

Yeah, so you're gonna move out? This is big news. I'm going to the Galarian region. The Galarian region, where is that? You sure you start with that? Of course, why wouldn't I wanna start with that? I don't know, it's just... No, why wouldn't I want to start with that, Dash?

You've been there, Dash, you've been all over. Yeah! Why would I not want to start with the Glyrian region? It's like gang activity in the Glyrian region. What do you mean, gang activity in the Glyrian region? There's just like a pretty prominent gang there, sort of messing with everything. I fight with Team Rocket all the time.

They're not like Team Rocket. Well, why aren't they like Team Rocket? Because Team Rocket is essentially, it's a comedy duo. Well, why aren't they like Team Rocket? Because Team Rocket is essentially a comedy duo. Sure, they're pretty funny. They're hilarious. This is like a real gang, Ember. Who, is it like Giovanni? No, Giovanni's Team Rocket.

I know, that's what I'm saying. Is it like worse than that? It's worse than that. What is it? Tell me. I don't know, sort of like... They wear like a lot of chains. like, they wear a lot of chains. What? They wear a lot of chains in black and they're scary. What do you mean by that?

They're just scary, they wear black chains. Chains on their, like gold chains around their necks? You know that store Hot Topic? Oh yeah, of course. And you know Hot Topic? The store. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Is it a reference to something? No. I didn't know if you knew the store. Do you know the store Hot Topic? The store. Yeah. Is it a reference to something? No. I didn't know if you knew the store. Do you know the store Hot Topic? I do know the store Hot Topic. That's what I'm referencing. Malls by us are just Orange Julius, Hot Topic, and a Blockbuster. That's more than malls here have now.

And a Pokemon Center, and a police station. Did you see the Blockbuster video? Yeah, of course. How do you rate your videos? So, I mean, it's a tough area according to Dash, but- No, it's great. You're going to the Galarian region. You're gonna grow up a little bit. Yeah, I'm going to the Galarian region.

Okay, what are you bringing? What's your loadout? Of course, I'm bringing a change of clothes, but it's the exact same clothes that I'm wearing right now. Yeah, never change your clothes. No. Pick an outfit and wear it forever. Forever. Okay. Don't ever change it. That's good advice.

I'm bringing my Pokemon, of course. That's what I meant. Specifically, which ones? My best friend Geodude. He doesn't, he's first of all- Geodude, I choose you. He's working for the United States government, slowly dismantling democracy. But when I need him, he's going to be there. He's never, what leads you to believe that?

Because I believe in the power of friendship. Okay. And it's just kind of like, if I don't have Geodude, who else do I have you? Can I offer something to you? Okay. Faith. What kind? Mega faith.

Like, like a mega church? Like a mega church faith. You did not get built in this mega church also. Hold on. Dash. Picture faith. Okay. Picture Jesus. Okay. Picture Jesus. Okay.

Of all of them? Sure. Mega Jesus. Jesus EX. This guy sounds cool. Yeah. He is great. He's got four arms.

Whoa. Each of them has a sword. Each of them has a sword. Can he turn water into wine? He can turn blood into dead people. Oh shit. Can I ask you something? I've been seeing all these flyers around town

that say you're going on tour and I assumed it was for your music. Please tell me you're going on tour for your music and not for this. I mean, there's music in it. Oh no. Music in the opening. You're going on tour, man? I'm opening for this preacher man.

Wow, this is a hot ticket. Yeah. Ever since we introduced religion to the Pokemon, it's really sort of taken off like wildfire. Yeah. I mean, that's what happens with religion. You introduce it to a bunch of people and then, or creatures, I guess, and then, you know, it's sort of a hard line between Pokemon and creatures and people because I had a cat once and then I battled with it and then it turned into a bigger cat and then I battled with it a little more and then it

turned into a professional wrestler. That's the trouble with cats is, you know, just so often they turn into professional wrestlers. And then I just had this man with me. With the head of a cat, but it was a professional wrestler. Which is like fine to have a pet, a cat, who's just like lounging around on your sofa, but then it's a man.

Then it's a man. With like smelly VO. And it's like a different, living with a cat is different than living with a man. Definitely. Yeah. That was the exact same as me. I had a duck with a quaff, and then I had a duck with a slightly bigger quaff, and then I with a man. Definitely. That was the exact same as me. I had a duck with a quaff, and then I had a duck with a slightly bigger quaff,

and then I had a model. Yeah. Wow. And living with a model, that would wreck me. It's been really bad for myself, this thing. Honestly, outside of this stuff with my dad, it's a big part of the reason why I'm getting out of here for a little bit.

And also, have you noticed this? One time I was riding around on my bike, and then the bike opened its eyes. And I was like, oh shit, this bike is a Pokemon. I threw a pokeball one time. It was a mushroom This is not like the cancer region Gotta be gotta keep your head on a swivel Scott because sometimes the stuff around you that computer could have a Pokemon in it And you just thought it was a computer and you're Googling whatever nasty stuff. Maybe that's why I can't edit Wikipedia pages.

Sometimes you're touching the keys and it's nipples. Jeez. It's awful. And then Wikipedia is like, we got to block this guy. He's touching nipples on his computer all day. He's got a two-year block. Well, I mean, this sounds, I mean, it sounds great for you, Amber. You're going to, you're going to grow up. You're're gonna get a little more mature. You're still gonna be 11 years

old, of course. Yeah. Can I go? Why would you want to go to the Galarian region? I'm going on an adventure. And you want to go with me? Yeah, I'm going on an adventure. And sort of like explore and like catch Pokemon and sort of like- Yeah, battle. Win gym badges. Every town we go to have a very specific problem that only we can solve. Okay, fine. So yeah, I guess I'll bring that. I'll bring my Pokemon.

And then I guess if we got your Pokemon, then we'll be a little bit safer. And then the only other thing I'm gonna bring is this photo of my- I'll bring this photo. Wait. You guys are almost touching the photos together. Which is not-

Anyway, let's get going. Yeah, oh, you put them back in your pocket. Okay, well, that sounds great. Just knowing what I know about you guys, make sure nothing romantic happens on this trip together. We're 11 years old. What are you talking about, Scott? Make sure nothing romantic happens.

I'm just saying, children's section booties. What, are you afraid we're gonna kiss like this? Is that your fear we're gonna kiss? Are you afraid we're gonna kiss in the lips like this? No, no, stop that, please. Oh, oh, look at my tongue, Scott. Oh God, no, please guys, don't do this. Is this your fear?

Oh no, okay, guys, guys, we have to take a break. I'm so sorry. You're nasty, Scott. You're so gross. You guys are gross. That was pretty gross. We have to take a break, but when we come back, we have a longevity expert.

Josh, I know you need to go, but. I do. Well, thank you for having me. Oh yeah, thanks for coming on. We have a take a break, but when we come back, we have a longevity expert. Josh, I know you need to go, but. I do. Well, thank you for having me. Oh yeah, thanks for coming on. We have a longevity expert. We're gonna be right back with more Ember Chugget, more Dash Grabham, and a longevity expert. We're gonna be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang

after this. No, no, no, no. Yeah. No, no, no, no. Yeah. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back. Josh Gondelman of Positive Reinforcement, he had to go, but during the break, Ember and Dash have been just full

on making out this entire- To prove that we're not gonna. Yeah. Okay, yeah, you're like getting it out of your system? As a joke. As a joke, okay, this is funny, what you're doing right now. It's hilarious, don't you think this is funny, Scott? Uh.

Okay, all right, all right. Well, we need to get- You think we're the reason that Josh left? Yeah. I mean, honestly, I wish I could leave, but- We kept going, Josh, watch this. Watch this. Josh, watch this. It's so funny. And he was like, I have to edit my Wikipedia. You love. And he just took off. In any case, we have to get to our final guest of the show. He is a

longevity expert. Now, I wonder what his tips will be other than just constantly remain 11 years old. Oh, do you think he'll teach us how to turn 12? Yeah, can he teach us how to age? Do you guys wanna age? Have you been through puberty yet? Desperately. No, we're 11 years old.

We're 11 years old, Scott. I feel like I'm on the cusp. Yeah, you got one hair on your lip. You saw it! Yeah. It's really long though. Yeah. It's like all the way down to your butt. I actually think it might be just like a horse hair that's stuck. You saw it! Yeah. It's really long though. Yeah.

It's like all the way down to your butt. I actually think it might be just like a horse hair that's stuck. That's stuck? Yeah. Oh yeah, there's horse poop on the end of it and it just, what were you doing with a horse that... He's eating its poop? Why?

Okay, all right. Why, Scott? No judgments here. How do you get your fort protein? The internet said that real men get their protein right from the strongest animal, a horse. Oh, Dash, I can fix you. Okay. Okay, well let's get to our last guest.

He's a longevity expert. Please welcome Mark Fripp. Hello, thank you, Scott. Thank you for having me. My pleasure, Mark. So wonderful to have you. This is Dash. This is Ember.

Hey, Mark. Hi, Mark. Pleasure to meet you, children. Your voice is so low. God, what a manly voice. Thank you very much. And you're so high and you're very tall. Very tall.

How'd you do it? How'd I do it? Well, took a lot of effort, a lot of time. I've been studying longevity. Oh, okay. I mean, you're an expert at it, so I would imagine you would have to study it occasionally if not often. I've studied it frequently.

Frequently, yeah, great. Various longevity venues in New York. Okay, now when you say longevity, what exactly are you talking about? Just the length of longevity, like how long people live. People, so people's longevity. Mostly people, but other, you know, whatever's alive, longevity applies to it.

And I would like it to be less. I'm against longevity. You're advocating for people's lives to be shorter. Much shorter, Scott. How much shorter are we talking about? As short as we can get them. I mean, occasionally that happens, where it's only about a minute or so.

Not like that, that's cheating. What is cheating exactly? When a baby dies, that's cheating. That's not, we're trying to get the human lifespan as short as it possibly can get. Okay, well now in caveman times, they were, it was somewhere in the teens or the 20s, right? That was pretty good. I think we can get back there with that.

You want to get down to the 20s? I think we can get down to the 20s, even the teens. Why do you want to do this? This sounds, I mean, a lot of people want to experience everything life has to offer. And if they were to perish in their 20s, they wouldn't get to see their loved ones grow up. Scott, I too want to do everything. I want to see everything life has to offer. I want to I want to experience the world. People procrastinate.

We're lazy. We're a lazy species. Because they think, oh, OK, I'll get to that. I'll get to it. I'm going to be 50, 70. Like for me, I might do this in my 30s at some point. That's right. You'll get there. But the shorter the lifespan, the faster. That's just an imperative to get moving. Carpe the Diem. Okay.

So I'll say in the Contra region, there was sort of like a string where people were getting water blasted to the temple and not making it out of the hospital. So you think that that's a positive thing? You know, again, that's cheating. What you wanna do is bring down the lifespan naturally. Yeah, you want God to water blast you to the temple.

That's right. I see. So now when life expectancy was in the the twenties in caveman times, it was because like a saber tooth tiger would eat you. Uh, but you want saber tooth tiger? Uh, a tiger, do you know tiger? Oh yeah. Do you know Mewtwo?

Yes. Yeah. Like a smaller, smaller Mewtwo kind of red fur big teeth. Sounds rare. Sounds powerful. Well rare now. You have a saber tooth tiger. I don't have one. We gotta get you in the. Sounds powerful. Well, rare now. It used to be all over the place. Scott, you have a saber-toothed tiger? I don't have one myself. We gotta get you in the tournament, bud! You're gonna fucking slay! I hate to admit this, I think you would be sensational in the tournament. I sulked mine after

Siegfried and Roy had the accident, so I don't have one anymore. I'm gonna go on Google, see if I can find one. Yeah, but in any case, you want people to die of natural causes in their 20s? I do. I think so. I think if we could get the human lifespan short, people would get busy living much sooner. You'd be accomplishing your dreams at seven, eight, nine, 11 years old. I'm 11 years old. That's right.

And how many of your dreams have you lived? One. And how many dreams you have? One. That's perfect. 100% dream living. You could die tomorrow. It would be fine.

I'm never gonna die. Well, this is contrary to my research. But hey, you do you. You could be the first person to never die. Well, technically, Dash also has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, so he's been promising he will never die. Mega Jesus Christ.

Evolved Jesus Christ. Which means he gets to go to double heaven. Now, you two have done some really spectacular work. It is- The band? You two? Have we switched topics? Yes. Now, speaking about people who should have stopped a long time ago.

Oh, come on now. Scott, do you want me to move Jacob's ladder behind you? Jacob left his ladder. Do you want me to move it? Is this making you uncomfortable? I know you would much rather talk about Pokemon than about the band, you two. So we can go back to Pokemon if this is making you uncomfortable. We know how much you hate music. Let's go back to Pokemon because of who's in the room.

So do you want diseases to come back? I mean, Measles is having a moment right now. Measles is back in a big way and I am loving it. It's putting the pressure on people to do their thing. Like you know that book, there's the four hour work week? I've heard it, the four hour, that seems too low. Well, I'm trying to get it lower. If you only had four hours to live, that's too short.

You'd be very small, low musculature. But think about how much you would get done in those four hours. I guess so, I mean, you know, there's, I guess a theory of why does anyone work? Because like we're all gonna die sooner than we want to. So we should be doing, although some people enjoy their work, not, you know, present company excluded, but, uh, I mean.

Wait, me? I love what I do. I guess I'm talking about myself. Oh, you know what though? I guess I don't love working at the Pete's coffee. Yeah. That's such, that's sort of a, that's a job. Anytime anybody has an order, he's constantly tossing it at people's

face saying, go coffee. Go coffee. I choose you, macchiato. So these have never turned into a Pokemon? These coffees you make? The coffees? No, it's a coffee, Scott. Do you know what a coffee is? I know what it is.

Are they transferring you to another Pete's Coffee in the Galarian region? Cause I'm worried about your income when you guys go to the other place. I don't think there is a Pete's Coffee in the Galarian. No, they're more of a- Maybe they'll let you franchise. They're a tea bean.

Tea bean? Tea bean. Just tea. Tea bean and tea bean. Tea bean? Tea bean. Just tea. Tea bean and coffee leaf. Tea bean and coffee leaf? You know, I love this. Your children, you're changing the game. You two children could die by age 18

and people would think you live rich full lives. And that's what I want. But how do we get to 18? Yeah. Do you have any longevity advice? You know so much about longevity. Do you have any advice about people who have been stuck at 11 years old for the last 11 years?

Because you seem very strong. I am very strong. And tall. And tall. What's your sort of like, what are we eating? What's our diet? Cigarettes mostly. You're eating cigarettes mostly. A lot of cigarettes.

Okay. Trying to bring down that lifespan, which is like getting older, right? If your lifespan is shorter, if you die at 18, 18 is basically 86, 18 is the new 86. And a lot of people say that our lives, when you're very young, every hour seems like such a long time because you've lived so few hours.

The proportion of hours that you've spent on earth is so small that an hour can just feel like an eternity to you. I've spent 15% of my life on your podcast, Scott. I think those are good. That's a good ratio. I wouldn't change a thing. I feel like I've spent almost 99% of my life

on this podcast today. Ember's spent 30% of her life in the hospital. That's true. Either for her or her dad. Yeah, that's true. My dad is very sick. He's got a very rare disease. Actually, the only other person in the region

that I've ever seen with this disease is you Ash What diseases is it? Yeah, keep talking. It's one where his bones are Legos. Okay. Oh and you have bones that are Legos It's fine as long as you have all of the pieces The problem is when you start losing pieces got it got it Is that more of a problem than when a normal person loses a piece of themself? When you mean normal person? Yeah, what do you mean, normal person? I'm sorry, that was normative of me. I'm just thinking about means and modes and medians.

Yeah, Mark Fripp, let's try to keep that kind of language down to a minimum here. You mean, like, if I lost Legos, would that be the equivalent of someone else losing bones? That's right. Yes. Or would it be like a dream sort of flying away and you get a little bit older and you're sort of like, wow, I really thought I was going to be a singer one day and then you sort of have lost your joy of music. That too. Okay. I think I don't think so.

Because a Lego you could conceivably replace with another Lego. And I do. Okay. But you could replace a bone with like a titanium bone or another bone. Replace a dream with a kid. I actually think we should stop doing that. You lose a bone. That's it for you. That's it for you. Gets you moving faster. Sorry, pause real quick. You're not having a kid me. Yeah, why not? Oh wait

You didn't get pregnant with just no kissing dash I'm 11 years old Scott What do you think we're gonna do kiss like this? We're 11 years old. Scott, what do you think we're gonna do? Kiss like this? Mwah. We're 11 years old, Scott. You guys are fiddling with the waistbands of each other's pants. No we're not. Tenderly kiss Dash on the forehead. And me on the cheek? And that's all we know.

That's all we know. We're 11 years old. I feel like it's illegal to watch this on so many fronts. I'm fiddling with my waistband because I hate my belt. I don't even know where babies come from. Dash, can you Google where babies come from? Where do babies come from?

I've been on the Wikipedia page of that, but they don't allow me to edit it anymore. What edits would you make if you could edit the Wikipedia page? I'd just make a few, you know, I'd make a few changes to myself, you know? Hey, can I ask you a question? Yeah, sure.

How old are you? How old am I? Yeah. 22. You're 22? Yeah. Whoa. And I'm gonna, if God willing, I'll be dead in four years.

Is there any kind of like a time lock on you where you're like, if you're not naturally dead by then, you'll take matters into your own hands? That's cheating. It's cheating. Yeah, it's cheating. Well, this is maybe kind of semantics, but you know cigarettes are bad for you, that they're going to kill you. So if you're smoking or eating cigarettes, technically isn't that sort of like- I would smoke them if you want to die earlier rather than just eat them, although eating them was- I also smoke, but I mostly eat them. My diet is mostly cigarettes, and I smoke all sorts of things.

So I'm just saying, if you know that they're gonna kill you and you're eating them, isn't that technically cheating? Oh, it's so mad. It turned a little red. Oh my God, is this like the Red Hulk? This is Harrison Ford in the new Captain Hulk. I feel like I'm about to evolve. Captain Hulk. Captain Hulk.

Captain Hulk. That's a good idea. Hold on, I wish Josh were here, we would write a Captain Captain Hulk. I feel like I'm about to evolve. Captain Hulk. Captain Hulk. Captain Hulk. That's a good idea. Hold on, I wish Josh were here. We would write a Captain Hulk movie. Oh, God, Josh would be so good at writing a Captain Hulk movie. Oh, you know Josh? I just read his Wikipedia page. Oh, yeah.

Three M's that guy. It's gripping reading. It's really good. Scott, we have to tell you too, we love Spider-Man. Oh, really? Yeah. Now, what to you is Spider-Man? The Pokemon that's half man, half spider. I love what I was expecting.

It's a spider, then it evolves and it's a bigger spider, and then it's a man. And then it's a man who's sort of really grumpy and hosts a podcast. Oh, Spider-Spider-Man. Maybe I'll write him, now that I'm no longer on the other thing. Oh right, oh no.

Oh, interesting. But in any case, I mean, what's gonna happen to you if say you actually end up living into your 60s, 70s, 80s, Paris the Thought, even 90s, and you have a rich full life and you get married and you have grandchildren and children of yourself? How? Yeah, maybe you could even, like, and if you were going to have children, like, how would that work? Well, because the internet said babies.com.

We get babies from where you need them, and I don't think that's the answer. We get babies from where you need them? I don't know, that's what it says. This way it's the tagline on babies.com. It says get the strongest babies using Monster Energy drinks. Is this like that Wayfair thing

where you order the most expensive thing and you get a child delivered to you? Oh yeah, hold on, let me see the scale. The scale of this picture is important. There's like a couch that's like, you know, several thousand dollars. Oh yeah, I thought this was, baby, this is a Labooboo. Oh okay, got it.

Oh yeah. In any case, what's gonna happen to you if you live a rich full life that you actually enjoy, but it takes you past the cutoff? Just, it sounds terrible for the human race. This is really inefficient. I'm hoping to have 17 or 26 kids by the time I'm 26, and then reduce my own lifespan to the point that I will die and leave them

to their own fruitful, efficient lives. 17 to 26, are you dating someone? Dating multiple people. Dating multiple people. Yeah, you would have to with those kind of numbers. Dating is, I am impregnating several people. Oh, good. Yeah, thank you. Look, honestly, if I was impregnating as many people as you at your age,

I would probably live a happy life if I were to die early too. Thank you. Yeah, that's the intent. I mean, we've got to maximize procreation and minimize life expectancy. And that's just, we cycle the people out, fresher, newer ideas.

What if, and here's just a theory, what if you, everyone everyone lived as if they were going to die at 24 and, and just live their lives with that kind of verve and vigor and, and try to accomplish everything. And then anything past 24 is like bonus time. You know what I mean? Do you write songs? Cause that would make a beautiful song. What if, and this is just a theory. Okay. What if, and this is just a theory.

What if, and this is just a theory. You and really everyone. Yeah, I'm liking it. Live their lives like they were going to die at 24. Okay. At some point, maybe you should make it rhyme, but I'm loving what I'm hearing so far. Also, there hasn't been a patter section, which most modern songs do have. That's right.

Good modern songs. They start with a rap, end in a patter song. Scott loves to collaborate. Oh, I'm sorry. I talked right over you, Amber. And I'm an adult and adults do that to children too much. No, oh my gosh, watch this. Zip my lip, eat the key, and you won't hear another peep from me.

Yeah, your dad's always saying that to you. He's going, zip your lip, eat the key. You won't hear another peep from me. And he doesn't talk for the rest of the day. That conversation just kind of had a patter section. Oh yeah. Yeah. You can write that down. Eat the key.

But in any case, I think my point still stands of, people, I get what you're trying to say. Yeah. People should live their lives a little more fruitfully while they have the time. That's right. And they should have less time to encourage their fruitfulness. Do you... I mean, why do we want this?

Do we want less people on Earth? Is that what you're trying to say? I mean, I do. Are you not a people person? I like having this many people on Earth, because I look around and I go, oh wow, there's seven billion people on Earth. Wow. I mean, that's like... That's so many.

That's so many that I get to meet eventually. How many have you met? Like, 13. How old would you have to be to meet 7 billion people? I mean, I'll get to it at some point. I honestly think I will. If you thought you were gonna die next year, how many people would you meet today?

I think no matter when I die, I'll get to it. I definitely do. I think I'll meet every single person on Earth. I just... It just seems like you would do it faster if you knew you had less time to live, right? I'll do it on my time, on my schedule. Scoop, Scott, this is not a longevity.

Did you call me Scoop? Right? Whoa, that's a pretty cool nickname. That's a really cool nickname. Not bad, yeah. Scoop and his saber-toothed tiger's taking over the league. How am I going with that?

This is pretty good. Scoop and tiger. Scoop-otter-man. Yeah, it's not bad. It's what I was told your name is from my Wikipedia page. Can I ask you a question? Fromop bottom it. Yeah, it's not bad. It's what I was told your name is from my Wikipedia page. Can I ask you a question? From your Wikipedia page. Yeah, it's on there. If there's no old people,

then how do we get like, here bring professors that come up with these big gigantic ideas sort of answering and asking existential questions and then have an 11 year olds be the face of that. And you're talking about Professor Oak. A Professor Oak type. Well, it could be anybody.

Yeah, like if we don't have like really old people, how do we get like mega rich people that have consolidated a ton of power and are using it to sort of like leech the surrounding land by unleashing an ancient evil on the world? Well, we've got to get rid of the estate tax. That's a big part of this whole thing. Oh, I see.

Okay, now I understand your whole point of view. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gonna let people pass their wealth that they earned with their hard work and ingenuity to their offspring They're 17 to 26 children And if there's no old people whose house to barge into so you can just kind of peek around and maybe there's a berry hiding in There but maybe not also and that's fine. Maybe there's an elixir in their sink

Yeah, now what you're- what if there's an elixir in their sink? If there's no old person then there's no elixir You think I haven't considered the question of an elixir in a sink? When you are 24 and you're gonna live to 26, 24 is very old so you can seek into a 24 year old's house of an elixir in a sink? When you are 24 and you're gonna live to 26, 24 is very old, so you can seek into a 24-year-old's house, find the elixir in their sink. Whoa. Okay. Yeah, so you want to get away or do away with the predatory bridge loans that people have to take on once they pass away in order to inherit the...

If there's one thing I hate, I hate a predatory bridge loan, I hate a death tax. You just need... I think, honestly, live toatory bridge loan. I hate a death tax. You just need, I think honestly, live to 26, do away with all taxes. Do you have any money that you can leave your, how many kids are you trying to have, 17 to 26? I'm pretty rich. I invented smart ties.

What are smart ties? You know twist ties? Oh yeah, that you put on like loves of bread. Like bread, yeah, it's those, but you can email from them. Oh cool. I guess I haven't seen those, but that sounds cool. I sold the patent to ICE. It's like an air tag that you put on bread,

so everybody, the government knows who has bread now. Oh, you sold this to ICE. I sold it to ICE. Okay, yeah, I think they're using it for different, this is a lot like Tony Stark creating things in his lab and then they're used for weapons. Yeah, except for I want them to be used for weapons. Oh, okay.

I'm kind of starting for like, how can we use for weapons? And then, you know, one of the parents. Yeah, you're kind of a reverse Tony Stark. I'm a reverse Tony Stark. It sounds like you started with something kind of fun and cute and then ended up in weapons. You're like a Stark Tony. You're a, you're a Karts E-ton.

You're a very Stark Tony. Stark Tony was my rap name. I'd love to hear some of your raps at some point. Drop a beat now. I don't know if we have time today, but. Okay, well, anytime. I can do it now, I can do it later. Uh, uh-huh. My name is Dark Tony and I'm here to say

everyone should die a day closer to today. Don't live long, don't get close to today. That's the name of the song. Oh, say can you see? No taxes. So you just want no tax. Okay. I didn't get no taxes.

You started the estate tax, but then it extends to just- Nobody asked me about any other taxes, Scott. Scoop. You know what I mean? The IRS, it's just a suggestion. I think so. There's nothing in the constitution that says we have to pay. It's kind of a pay what you will.

It's like when you go to the Met and you're a New York City resident, you're like, oh, I'll put a little something in here. It's a lot like radio heads in Rainbow's albums. In Rainbow's. Yeah, exactly. I'm more into their politics than their music, but. That's a big part of Geodude's platform, actually. I think you guys would get along really well.

It sounds like I would love for him to be called out here on the show, but apparently he's too busy to come on Comedy Bang Bang. He's not even in the ball anymore. I'm sorry, Ember. I keep trying to get him back into the ball, but sort of once Pokemon's left the ball, it's really hard to put him back inside.

Yeah, I know. With Andy Richter, right? Well, yeah. You guys know Andy Richter? He was in Pokemon ball for a long time. Andy Richter was literally how Dash was able to win all of those battles and become the champion. Andy Richter was the one who...

Andy Richter is super effective against all types of Pokemon. Some would call him broken in terms of game systems. And so he did get patched out. And by that, I mean, he refused to get back in the Poke Ball and just sort of walked into the sunset and said, I'm starting a podcast. Wow. I never would have guessed it. Wow. Yeah. You haven't lived until you've seen Andy Richter read a Psyduck to filth. Yeah. I've never lived and I never wanted to until now. Well Mark, I don't know that I agree with all of your assessments here about the human

race because I don't know, I like living. And I don't know if I ever will die. To each his own is a policy I'm trying to reverse, but yeah. I'm kind of the opposite. You said you don't know if you'll ever die. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, me neither. So far.

So far I'm going good. We keep trying. You keep trying? Well yeah if you'll ever die. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, me neither. So far. So far I'm going good. We keep trying. You keep trying? Well, yeah, just to feel something. It's nice to meet a kindred spirit. But remember, if you do it to yourself, that's cheating. Do you think when you die in your sleep, the dreams turn off or do they keep going?

You know what I mean? Mm, well, that's a really good question. Yeah, they stop. They stop? So does everything stop? Everything stops. All brain activity? That's the hope. Kind of like Inception. Well, tell you what, let's. They stop. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So just everything stops? Everything stops.

All brain activity? That's the hope. Kind of like Inception. Well, I'll tell you what. Let's make a pact. If you don't die by 28, I'll kill you. Okay. But that's cheating if we make a pact.

Nope. Well. Hold on. Oh, wink. Okay, got it. Yeah, an unspoken pact. If I don't die by 28. I'll kill you.

You can't say it on the podcast. Okay, and then nothing on the other end of it. Nothing on the end. So if you don't die by 28, nothing happens. Just let him cook? Yeah, I'm 29 by the way, so I've already passed it. I would never have come on the show. You look great, Scoob. Thanks, man. Well look, we are running out of time here. There is really only one final feature that we have on the show and that is of course a little something called... ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear ear And I hope that it's a hit But if it is not, then you can blame motherfucking Scott Hey. Wow, that's cruel.

I don't like that. Yeah. That was Wise Plugs by Shayen Abraham, or Ebrahim. Thank you so much. Don't appreciate being referred to in that manner, but thank you so much for the plugs theme. If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and you can upload it.

You'll find everything you need there for remixes as well. All right, what are we plugging? Now, you know, if only Josh Gondolin were here, he would plug his special, but he's not. But Mark, what do you wanna plug? You should buy Josh's wife's book. Her name is Maryse Kreisler, and it's called I Wanted to Burn This Place Down.

I mean, good advice from anyone, including Mark Fripp here. And also Positive Reinforcement is the special on YouTube. I'll plug it in his absentia. I've seen 13 minutes of it, and it's really good. Really? The 11 through 13 minutes? Yeah, I got to the EBY joke, it's killer. Oh man, that's awesome. And Amber, what do you want to plug? Well, as we sort of crossed that predatory bridge loan over to the Galerian region, I just wanted to, I know that Dash is going on tour

with Hillsong United, so I definitely want to make sure that everybody checks that out. That's right. www.megafaith.god. Okay, cool. So if you go ahead and check that out, and if not, there's a lot of horrible, terrible, no good, very bad anti-trans bills happening across the country. Go find a local organization that means something to you, or honestly, transgender law center is a really, transgender law, say it again. Transgender law center.

Don't mumble it though. Transgender law center is a really, was that good? Yeah, that was good, yeah, it was perfect. Transgender law center is a really good place that you can donate. You can just take three. And Dash, what do you want to plug here? When does this come out?

Very soon. Oh, okay. So. What the fuck do you care? Well... What day does this come out, Scott? You know what Kickstarters are, Scott? Yeah, I know what you're saying.

They're sort of time-intensive, so when this comes out, makes this either relevant... It'll still be going. Oh, okay, cool. Yeah. Why do you think you're on this fucking episode? Oh, I assume because it was another Pokemon trainer.

Yeah. No, no. Oh, okay. If you go to link.tr slash ee off book. What? No, I fucked it up. Jesus Christ. Go to the off book Instagram.

There's a link there. Jessica McKenna, a friend of this podcast, you know, an all around star and I are making a mock trial movie. Wow, Dash. That's incredible. Did I say me? Not me. Her.

She's doing it. She's doing it with this friend of hers, Zach Reno. Real loser. Yeah. And if you go to its Off Book Pod Instagram, is that what it is? Yeah, Off Book Pod Instagram. The link is right there. Is it LinkedIn, Jesson?

Who's that other guy? Zach. Is it LinkedIn, Jesson,'s that other guy? Zach. Is it LinkedIn, Jess and Zach's personal bios too? Yes, there too. Oh, it's there too. Okay. It's at all those places.

Thanks guys. This is real team effort. I really appreciate it. And they're making a movie. They're making a movie about mock trial, which apparently is a thing that people do in high school. Yes. I would know.

I've never been in high school. You'll get there. So you say. Or you'll die first. Or I'll die trying. Hold on a second, did you hear that? Bling! I think you just got a pub. Oh my God, let me see.

Okay. Don't look at each other's pubs. Yeah, don't look at each other's pubs. It's not weird, we're just friends. Bling, bing, bing, bing. Whoa. Oh my God, Ember. I can't be here for this. I got boobs.

Whoa, you got boobs. That's crazy. Maybe you guys are growing up. Wait, I'm going to need something to cover this up. Is one of the rewards from the Kickstarter to get a t-shirt or a sweatshirt? Wow. Would you know? Yes, they are.

That's really cool. I'm going to need a new sweatshirt, a bigger size, maybe medium. We have medium, large and small all in the design for the fictional high school that the mock trial movie takes place at and the mascot is a highland coup. Wait, I'm going to donate right now, but can I get this sketch drawing from one of this really cool art sketch picture? You really have intimate knowledge of the rewards of this Kickstarter, Amber. It's because I'm looking on Instagram and I just donated, so I was sort of deciding

what I wanted. That's huge. You can get any of these things or at all, giving it any level helps this movie get made because it's hard to get movies made. Isn't that right, Scoop? Yeah, it is. And of course, they're great friends of the show, Jess and Zach, and people should support this movie.

And I'd like to see this movie, so I wanna contribute to it as well. Hey, link to all the Instagram bios head on over. Are you committing now to $5,000? Uh, right now? That's huge! You can't believe it! Scott, that's huge! I'm getting, you know what? I'm committing $5,000? That's huge, you can't believe it. That's huge. You know what, I'm committing $5,000 of my time. Whoa. To being in the movie?

Well, that would be about an hour. As a grip? You're gripping the entire movie. As a grip? For sure. I'm talking tail lights. Yeah, the last hour. Um, that's fantastic. What do I want to plug? I want to plug,

uh, hey, read the astonishing Spider-Man, some interesting stuff's going on in, especially in tomorrow's issue that comes out tomorrow. There's a big comedy bang bang person who's on the podcast a lot who is guest starring.

And, uh, yeah, just read tomorrow's issue person who's on the podcast a lot who is guest starring and Yeah, just read tomorrow's issue and we can talk about it after that and Let's see. What else? Go head over to CBB worlds CBB world has ad-free episodes of this show comedy bang bang It has all the older episodes that you can't get any more other than there. We also have other the older episodes that you can't get anymore other than there. We also have other podcasts like CBB Presents, Scott Hasn't Seen, College Town, The Neighborhood List, and so much stuff over there. Womp It Up is over there. All right, let's close up the old Plug Bag. Oh, oh. Okay, thanks for the coda there. That was Closed Plugs by Alex Shaduck.

Thanks so much to Alex and I want to thank all of you. First of all, Mark Fripp, thank you so much for coming on. I feel like you're gonna be back. Scott, thanks for having me. Get busy living and get busy dying. That's right, I'll see you in four years. God willing, you won't. Hey, when you least expect it and how you least expect it as well.

Scott, I'm winking, thank you. All right, fantastic. And Ember and Dash, so great to have you guys on. Thanks, Scoop, We really appreciate it. I'm so glad that you guys could be on the same episode before you take off towards the, what is it, the Gondola region? What is it?

The Golarian Scouts. Golarian, yeah. I don't know. Honestly, we've spent so long being enemies, I can't even believe that we had a lot more in common than I thought. Yeah, it's almost like your rivals are a reflection of yourself and not something

that you need to grind into dirt at the first possible opportunity. Your faces are getting very close to each other right now. And not a physical reflection, even though we do look so similar. We look quite similar. reflection of yourself and not something that you need to grind into dirt at the first possible opportunity. Your faces are getting very close to each other right now. And not a physical reflection even though we do look so similar. We're quite similar. Same eyes. It's like as if we have the same lips.

Same nose. Can't believe they're not getting those. Stop talking about the lips, please. Same teeth. Bink, bink, bink. Same tongue. Bink, bink, bink. Oh my god, the pubes are just popping out.

Wait, do you feel that? I think I'm 12. Yeah, me too. Is this what 12 feels like? Oh my god, you guys turned 12 right here on the show. This is incredible. We leveled up. Yay.

Oh, congratulations guys. Well, have a great trip. Thank you. Thank you, I appreciate that. Out there in the Galarian region, I hope you guys both survive. Why would you say that? I just hear it's rough. There's a lot of gangs out there. Oh yeah. No, don't worry. We're 12 and that's basically an adult. Yeah. We can take on team skull. That's my legal point of view as well.

Okay. Mark Fripp, the more I learn about you, the less I like about you. Alright, that's gonna be it for this. We'll see you next week. Thanks, bye. No, no, no, no. Pshht. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.