Comedy of the Week - Alison Spittle: Petty Please

Episode Date: January 20, 2025

Comedian Alison Spittle explores some of her longest and deepest held grudges. The kind of thing most people would be ashamed to still be thinking about 30 minutes later, let alone contemplating exacting retribution decades on.Studies show that the role you play in the school nativity can affect your life. And Alison is taking those studies very seriously. She was once cast as Mary - big gig - but forced to drop out after the director said she lacked focus. 30 years on, it's still something she thinks about. Can Natalie Cassidy help Alison get closure?Written by Alison Spittle & Simon Mulholland With Ian Smith and Natalie Cassidy Script Edited by Joel Morris Produced by Lyndsay FennerA Mighty Bunny Production for BBC Radio 4About Alison: Alison Spittle is an award-winning screenwriter, actress and comedian.She is the creator, writer and star of the TV series Nowhere Fast which aired on RTE2 to critical acclaim in 2017. Her play Starlet premiered to great acclaim at the Dublin Fringe Festival, garnering 5 stars from The Sunday Times. She can also be heard on The Guilty Feminist and BBC Radio 4’s Wheel of Misfortune.

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. This is Petty Please. I am Alison Spittel, comedian and petty woman. In this series, I attempt to attain some sort of self-awareness about my petty nature to heal and to ultimately get revenge against everyone who's ever wronged me. In this week's episode, there's something about Mary. As I said my name is Alison Spittle I was born in England brought up in Ireland with an Irish mom and an English dad. Now I've got my very own series on BBC Radio 4 I'll probably have my Irish passport revoked. Never to return again.

Let me preface what you're about to hear by reminding you that I am a very petty person. I bear grudges, right? I am still angry at the man who stole my nose as a child. It's Christmas time-ish. Christmas Day itself has passed, but there are remnants. This is like a box of roses, you know, that's 50% chocolates and 50% empty wrappers. There's some joy to be had but you have to make an effort. And Christmas time

just so happens to be the setting for one of my all-time pettiest grudges, not getting to be merry in the school nativity. Well I know but we'll come to that because I've so many other micro-grudges about Christmas. One of my biggest worries was, what am I gonna get from my grandma? Now, I love my grandma, but she gets me the weirdest of presents. I remember, like one year, she gave me a thong.

She did, with the word Capricorn written across it. Which was weird because I was nine years old. But also I'm a Gemini. So has anyone in the audience got any seasonal grudges of their own? Well I went to my aunties and they're vegans and I only had a falafel for my Christmas dinner. Oh my gosh, the audience agrees! So one falafel? Yep. Like a lone Ferrero Rocher just... and did you broach that with them? How did you? I just sat down and ate it. Yeah that is the best revenge isn't it? I do have an uncle that ate the

whole Christmas ham on Christmas Eve. Yeah wait for it, in my house he wasn't at my house for Christmas. So he ate that ham and left like a bandit. And we do still call him the ham burglar. he literally robbed a ham off us, which is the opposite of veganism in a way, I suppose. Anyone else got any petty gripes or grudges about Christmas? So, like, I don't wear makeup at all. One year is total proof that my dad has absolutely no idea what I like and who I am as a person.

He bought me a set of makeup brushes. Wow! Every time I think of it, it just like encapsulates him. Yes! No, I totally know what you mean because makeup brushes is very gendered, isn't it? It's like with me, I always get bath bombs for Christmas. Now, I don't have a bath. I always get bath bombs for Christmas. Now, I don't have a bath. LAUGHTER I don't. I have no access to a bath.

I live in London with, like, seven other people. I'm lucky if I get a verruculous shower at this stage. LAUGHTER But what did you do with the brushes? They just lived in me room for about five years. That's it. You just threw them in the bin. Yeah, well, good for you that you threw them in the bin, cos for me, like, every year, I'd put a bath bomb into my drawer

and eventually I opened up my drawer and it was like a whole artillery full of bath bombs, you know? And then like one day, I didn't throw them out but what I did do is I brought all of my bath bombs with me to a hotel like one time and I put all of the bath bombs in the bath. That was 24 bath bombs in the bath. It's the angriest looking baraka I've ever seen before.

And I'm standing over it, like, if I'm being honest with you, like a bath bomb Oppenheimer, do you know? Like, not asking myself could I, but should I? And it was so, I had to throw my whole body on it. I was very afraid. That was amazing. What's your name? Emily. Thank you so much, Emily. Brilliant. Give it up for Emily and give it, I was very afraid. That was amazing. What's your name? Emily.

Thank you so much, Emily. Brilliant. Give it up for Emily and give it up for Anton. I didn't, yeah. Christmas is a breeding ground for petty disputes because it's all about family. Of course you worry about the holy family. Will they get an in for the night?

And will the all night garage in Bethlehem be out of myrrh? But then you also worry about the family that is closest to you. And the one that is closest to me is the Mitchells. I would lie awake in a run up to Christmas thinking about only one thing. Which EastEnders character is gonna get hit by a car on Christmas day? I swear, like there was so many deaths from car in EastEnders, it was like the apex predator of Albert Square.

Nothing like a bit of trauma while you digest four separate animals and half a jar of cranberry sauce. Now, the BBC is public service broadcasting and the public service that they provide is by making your own crappy Christmas seem absolutely great by comparison. Yes you didn't get the Christmas present that you wanted this year but at least you're not watching a DVD of your own dad dressed as Father Christmas kissing Stacey Slater. It was comforting somehow but tinged with a shameful Englishness and let's be honest a shameful Englishness. And let's be honest, a shameful Englishness

is the best kind of Englishness. I'm sorry. I chatted about this with EastEnders actress and national treasure, Natalie Cassidy. When you open the Christmas Day episode, you want to be in it. It's a bit like the Mary thing. You wanna be a part of it, you know what I mean?

Oh boy, I know what she means. My episode where I was Mary would have been when Jamie passed away on Christmas Day. So that was very, very sad, but obviously I was in it a lot. In EastEnders, as in life, right, we all want to be Mary. But all of the stresses that stressed me out on the run up to Christmas, the stressiest of all was, who's going to be Mary in the nativity? Now, there wasn't a big love of the performing arts in my village, unless you count the facade of a happy marriage.

LAUGHTER So many people are going to listen to this and go, she's talking about me! Now, I was a terrible athlete and I was always pick glassed and I think it was because I was known as a messer. Like I couldn't kick a ball but I could impersonate Elvis, which isn't great on sports day. And there was no speech and drama in my local area so if you weren't into sport or extra-marital affairs, there was only one night of the year where you could spend doing what you were into and people had to act like it wasn't stupid. Now the rest of the

year I'd content myself with being an altar girl which was exciting. It's like being in the cadets for God. You get to wear a robe and be near wine which felt very sophisticated at the time but you really couldn't pull focus from the priest. That was frowned upon. So the nativity was a license to show off, provided you got one of the big parts. And what was the biggest part of all?

Mary, oh, the big kahuna. The only meaty female role in the nativity, the gospel smurfette. The part of Mary is prestigious, but it's especially prestigious in Ireland because we love Mary. We love Mary so much. Mary is one of those people that you barely think about in England but who is surprisingly massive in Ireland. Think of like David Gray. Irish people love a strong woman. Ancient Ireland has

a rich mythology full of awesome goddesses like Danu, who is the mother of all gods, a kind of super Mary if you will, and Eiru, who the country is named after. So when the Christians came over with Jesus, I mean they didn't come over with him because he was dead, but the idea of Jesus, right? You know, they come over and they say, he's his own dad and he came back from the dead. And the Irish are like, nah, we're good. We mentioned that he is a mammy.

And the Irish are like, okay. We're listening. Now, modern Ireland doesn't have the best track record of women, but we do make up for it for loving one woman and one woman only, Mary. Her statue was on every dashboard, her picture in every sitting room. She really was the Irish version of live, laugh, love.

And you know, she's looking out for us because when times were hard, when we were in our depths of recession in the eighties, that's when the miracles really started kicking into gear Mary would appear to some kids behind a church and a couple of years later Wow that town will have an airport like St. Patrick's Day brings millions of people into Dublin every year but Mary is the patron saint of the rest of the country and as a child I loved her personally there was a large statue of her in my local train station. And I used to touch her feet and pray to her.

I used to pray to her mostly to give me an Irish accent. And fair play to her, she did that. It might have been the years of school bullying as well, but Mary was in there too. I used to pray to God too, but he was there for the heavy lifting, such as fixing the hole in the ozone layer, or saving my atheist father from eternal damnation. He was there for the heavy lifting, such as fixing the hole in the ozone layer,

or saving my atheist father from eternal damnation. My dad's lovely. He's atheist, but he supports Protestant teams in sectarian and diarhabies, right? I know. Going to church with him was a nightmare for a devout Catholic like me, right? He would giggle and tut and say stuff like, I doubt it.

And... LAUGHTER To be honest, we'd gone to Mass and my dad felt like watching a film with the director's commentary that openly derides the concept of cinema, right? LAUGHTER He was sat beside a priest at a wedding and I overheard him say to the priest, don't worry, you do you, mate. LAUGHTER At bedtime as a child, right, I've overheard him say to the priest, don't worry, you do you, mate. And... And...

And... And... And... At bedtime as a child, right, I would hit him with the philosophical questions. I would say to him, what happens after you die, daddy? And my dad would say to me,

I deny love, probably just darkness. Now sweet dreams. Now sweet dreams. Now sweet dreams. And he'd switch off the lights. So to go back to the story, it's come up to Christmas and I'm worried. What I'm worried about is getting the star part

in that one arts-based activity available in the village. Now who will get the part of Ireland's most important woman? That's not Enya, that's Mary. I went to a tiny rural Irish school with six girls in my class and that's the perfect distribution because they're six years in primary school that is one Mary for each year. Now each year I'd wake up on the day after Halloween and I'd begin obsessing. When it came time for the parts to be handed out I'd pray

I'd go please Mary Mary Mary but each time I'd end up with one of the lesser female roles such as a sheep or frankincense or the door. I was beginning to suspect the reason I kept being passed over for the part was because the nativity director Mr. Marsh hated me. Now how could he not? I was a yappy child that sounded like a little Danny Dyer. I did, in a small Irish village. I used to have nicknames in school for my English accent. One of them was Del Boy, which I didn't mind because I really love only frozen horses. The other one, which I didn't like as much, was Protestant.

Especially on my communion day, I'm like, what more do I have to do? I'm converting my dad. I must have been an annoying child because I remember once I was walking down the school corridor and a teacher stopped me and said to me, you walk like a man, which as a small child, I took this as a great compliment because I just thought he meant I walked with confidence.

In my last year of school, I realized that at age 12, I was no longer an ingenue and this would be my last chance of school I realised that at age 12 I was no longer an ingenue and this would be my last chance to play Mary. Now all the other girls had played her so far and I was finally age appropriate for that part. It had to be me but just in case I decided to get serious and I had proved that I wanted it more than anyone else by showing up to the audition in costume. Now Mary is the best dressed character in the Bible hands down she is an icon literally. Jesus, she was, Jesus had the abs and the crown but Mary had it all. Blue and white

are a classic combination just ask the Smurfs right. She had a long flowing gown and a headdress that just screams, I am mother. In the back of my mum's wardrobe there, right, was a light blue dressing gown that I'd never seen her wear outside of the house. It was silky, it was beautiful. I thought she wouldn't mind if I borrowed it and wore it over my school uniform. I'm ready to cement my place as the greatest Mary impersonator of all time. Now, looking back as an adult, I think there was a reason that I never saw my mum wear that blue robe in public. The reason being, it was lingerie. I was wearing

mid-90s demure Irish mammy lingerie. On the day of the auditions, I whipped out my costume and gave my best serene face. I'm doing it now, you can't see it on the radio, but just imagine someone from Love Island watching a fight. And I got the role. This is the moment I had obsessed with for over half my life and it was finally happening. I said a bit Liza Vanelli, I'm like, real?

I would love to see Liza Vanelli play Mary. That made me go, hey Joseph. All right, daddy-o. I was gonna do everything in my power to be the best Mary that the school ever had. Now, this joy was short-lived because a few days into rehearsals I was saying my line, which is, Oh Joseph, I'm so tired. I hope we find shelter soon. Now, I thought I delivered that line in a nuanced way, right?

I was thinking of it, because I'd read the Bible, I'd done my research, research right I'm thinking this is my first step on the path to my EGOT I was trying to portray a Mary that although it was stressful being heavily pregnant whilst traveling to a census on the whim of a despot king I was being beatific and wise and therefore pretty chill and to signify this I had my hands in my pockets and I delivered the line pretty low key. But my Nativity Director, Mr. Marsh, did not like that at all.

And he pointed at my hands in my pockets and he said to me, "'You look like you don't want this part enough.' And he took the role off me. Yes, thank you. I don't feel so petty now that I've heard gasps. And he gave it to my friend Fiona, right? Hey Alison, Fiona here. Hi.

That's Fiona there, right? Now, they said I didn't want it enough. I did want it enough, but also I slouch, alright? What's the point of doing it if I can't do it my way? And I wouldn't have minded so much, but Fiona! What's the point of doing it if I can't do it my way? And I wouldn't have minded so much, but Fiona. Fiona had played Mary the year before and it wasn't the textbook interpretation. I dropped baby Jesus on his head because I wanted to see what it would feel like. Just wanted to get a good feel of what it would be like

to drop him on his head and then did it again. Because it was fun. Yeah, she works as a social worker now. Anyone who drops the son of God on his head twice does not want the role that badly, right? Look, come here. The New Testament would be very short if Fiona was Mary. As I've said, I love to bear a grudge.

Maybe if I'd just gotten out of my system then, I wouldn't have been compelled to pursue a life in the showing off industry and show Mr Marsh that he's wrong. I act sometimes now, I can even do accents. Here I am in the film Bicycle Thieves pumped up. Hey Bev, where are you? Where's your box? So that's supposed to be a Dublin accent. Now just before Christmas last year I received an email from my agent about a possible audition for a role in East

Enders. Yes that blasts Mary straight out of the water for me. As you may know by now East Enders for me is a sacred text right. I once spent an entire therapy session processing the death of Barry Evans. I wish that was a lie. I remember when Janine pushed him down that hill. I will never forgive her. She is my Judas. To prepare for the south tapes I wore my Pat Butcher earrings. Now not Pat Butcher style earrings. I mean literal earrings with the face of Pat Butcher on them. I've got them on Etsy, I love them. I also have a pair of earrings depicting Mary,

mother of God, breastfeeding St. Bernard. That's the man, not the dog. I also prepared my English accent by impersonating my dad. Now he's from England and that's where EastEnders is set. With phrases such as, where's the remote? Or his favorite phrase which is when presented with a question or any bit of news in a WhatsApp group, the thumbs up emoji. Now that's the problem with copying my dad, he's a man of few words and one thumb. I tried my best and made sure that my hands were out of my pockets and I looked like I wanted it

enough in this audition. And after a few days, I got the glorious news that I was gonna play Deborah in EastEnders, an impatient pregnant lady. I couldn't believe it. Impatient, pregnant, lady. That's basically Mary. And it was EastEnders so she'd probably be slouching. And it was my dream role and I'd get to play it my way at last. I got the train to Elstree and I was walking on air. Now, more specifically actually, I was being transported by golf buggy

all around Albert Square. I saw the arches. Remember the arches? That's where Ben, do you remember Ben? That's where Ben hit Jordan with a wrench. Do you remember wrenches? Or Caffey's Cafe. That's where Nick Cotton held everyone hostage because he failed to poison his own mum. First I was brought to make up, right? And the make up artist looked at the script and then looked at me and my script said that my character was described

as a run down mum. And I was ready, right? I was ready for hours of transformation. And she just looked at me for a few seconds and she tied up my hair in a scrunchie and said, you're good to go. Next, there was my very own dressing room, right? Where I spotted a pregnancy pouch. Now, I don't have kids. So this is a novelty to me.

A pregnancy pouch, it's a lot like a mustache, right? I've never had one and I don't plan to have one. But when presented with a fake one, I'm going to try it on and see what it looks like, right? So I popped on the pregnancy bump and imagined what it would be like to be a giver of life. I rubbed it like a Bond villain stroking a cat. I took as many pictures as I could. And I wrote up an Instagram post in my head that said,

I am pregnant. Dot dot dot. On EastEnders. Right? Now as soon as I was allowed to post that I slapped it up and the likes came flooding in. I've never had so many reactions to a post in my life. One of my favorite comments was from another comedian called Karen Hobbs, who said, Congrats for being up the duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff duff congratulating me on my pregnancy which is scary and then Irish news sites started running stories like Alison Spittel announces first pregnancy and then thank you and then the phone calls came flooding in my mum rang me really angry and really angry she said why would you tell Instagram before you tell your own mother about her first grandchild? So I pull up another picture explaining that no I'm not pregnant I'm acting look here I am in the

Queen Vic this is not a real place and people's responses to that were congratulatory but less so than when they thought I was pregnant. The newspapers ran stories like Alison Spittle confuses fans of pregnancy prank rather than the more accurate newspapers misreport on Instagram posts that they didn't read the caption to. I mean, it's a joke, I'm a comedian. And it made me think about my worth as a childless woman and the happiness that people had for me

because they thought I was going to be a mum. And how in reality, nothing that I've done in the past or probably ever do, will bring people the pride and joy of me being a potential mum. Now I thought of Mary and I thought to myself like I've never rubbed Jesus's feet for luck. I've never dressed up as him. I mean to be honest with you I don't have the abs but if Mary wasn't his mum I'd have never heard of her and I spoke to Natalie Cassidy about being passed over to play Our Lady for almost half an hour and she came to this conclusion. I think you're taking it personally Alison. That made me think maybe I'm ready to lance the petty boil

to tackle the big one the one that's eluded me my whole life the ultimate pregnant lady. Now what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna have a real fun time, how we're gonna end this is I'm gonna do a nat'm gonna have a real fun time, how we're gonna end this is I'm gonna do a nativity and I need a few volunteers. Is there anyone else who didn't get the role that they wanted in nativity? Give me a shout, anyone here? You wanted Mary, everyone wants Mary. Do you know that there's a survey and that people that played Mary have better lives than people that didn't? I know, I don't know. So what part did you end up getting? So I ended up being a star. Not even the star, just a star.

A star? In the galaxy, but you weren't the big one? No. So how did you represent that? I think I had a headdress with a star on it. Do you want to be in my Nativity play? Yes, please. Give it up for Noor, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Right. You're going to play the part of the door. Because I'm Mary. And this room is only room for one woman. Even when I'm making up my own nativity. And now we need someone to play Joseph. Can you welcome to the stage my Joseph one night only, Ian Smith, everybody.

Thank you so much, Ian. No, thank you. Thank you. I never got to play Joseph either. Just felt like it went to the cool, the best look. It's hard to say this about a child, but the best looking child. I'm also the narrator. the best-looking, it's hard to say this about a child, but the best-looking child.

I'm also the narrator. It's a bit like fleabag. So we start at the manger in Bethlehem and Mary has just had news from the angel Gabriel that she is pregnant with God's baby. Now angels in those days were like celestial pregnancy tests, right? Now in this biblical story, it's a bit East Endersy because she's married to Joseph, but it's God's baby. Scandalous. But it's all okay, because Joseph is quite chill and he's sorted out a room for the night.

It's a manger. Now it's only one star accommodation, but it's a pretty big star. Let's begin. Wow, Mary, well done on giving birth. I'm so lucky to be married to a mogul who has brought about world peace and a universal basic income

and also has hairless big toes. Oh, Joseph, I'm so lucky to be married to a man who is so chill about the paternity of our child. Now this is your bit. Knock knock knock. Who's that? Heyya, what's going on? Oh, yeah alright Yeah, nice one.

Who was that then? It was three men. Alright, did it seem like they had any particular defining quality? Not especially, no. Just you wait till you hear about the gifts. The first one brought us gold and fair juice, that's a classic. Gold, that's great, yeah. The second one brung us frankincense. All right.

And then the third one's brung us myrrh. Myrrh? Who brings embounding fluid to the birth of a child? All it say was it's for structure. Said there's gonna be a call back to it at the end of the Bible, whatever that is, cheeky git. Oh, Joseph, what's that racket? I just got the baby down, Jesus.

That's his name, Jesus. Oh, that's a little drummer boy. He said he's exalting the birth of the Lord through his instrument. Well, that's a little drummer boy. He said he's exalting the birth of the Lord through his instrument. Well, that's just great. A woman's just had a baby. What will they bring her, huh? A bit of dry toast and a cup of tea?

No, I'll go bang a bloody great big drum outside her window. Bloody hell. Bang, bang, bang. Oh, there's a bit more intensity in that. Who could that be? It's like Piccadilly Circus in here. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Thank you. Thank you so much. And that my friends is the sound of kefarsis and also doff doffs. I've been Alison Spittel, see you next time. Have you please, Seras Alison Spittel and Ian Smith? It was written by Alison Spittel and Simon Wilholland and the script editor was Joel

Marriss. The producer was Lindsay Fenner and it is a Mighty Bunny production for BBC Radio 4. Hello Greg Jenner here, I am the host of You're Dead to Me from BBC Radio 4. We are the comedy show that takes history seriously and then laughs at it and we're back for a brand new series, series 9, where we're covering all sorts of things from Aristotle to the legends of King Arthur to the history of coffee to the reign of Catherine of Adichie of France. We are looking at the Arts and Crafts movement and the life of Sojourner Truth and how cuneiform writing systems worked in the Bronze Age.

Loads of different stuff. It's a fantastic series. It's funny. We get great historians. We get great comedians. So if you want to listen to Your Dead to Me, listen first on BBC Sounds.