Comedy of the Week - Call Jonathan Pie: General Election Special

Episode Date: July 8, 2024

Having endured weeks of impossibly restrictive BBC election guidelines, Jonathan Pie is looking forward to election day and an end to all the madness. But first he has to persuade an apathetic Sam that not 'all parties are the same' and to actually go out and vote.Written and performed by Tom WalkerCast: Jonathan Pie ….. Tom Walker Sam ….. Aqib Khan Caller ….. Ellie DobingProducers …. Alison Vernon-Smith and Julian MayersA Yada-Yada Audio production for BBC Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. And also, if I'm honest, well, it's been so boring. What, tonight's show? No, the election. Oh, I see. There's no excitement. Ed Davey falling in a lake?

What more do you want? There's no drama. There's no sense of, you know, ooh. Yeah, there has been very little ooh. You're quite right. Why do you think that is? It's because the results are foregone conclusion, isn't it? Really?

Well, yes. The polls are all saying. What, like Hillary Clinton winning the White House, us voting to remain in the EU? The polls didn't get that right, did they? January the 6th being the final nail in Donald Trump's political career. They were all foregone conclusions until they weren't. There's no certainty about anything until every vote has been cast. That's my favourite moment of a general election, that very moment, you know, on the night at 10 p.m. you get the big ben bongs, the exit poll is revealed, you know

what the actual results are and like that the BBC election guidelines are over and suddenly I'm allowed to express my opinion again. It's been a tough few weeks I can assure you. What if the exit polls are wrong? Exit polls are rarely wrong. Opinion polls, sure, not the exit polls. That doesn't make any sense. Of course it does. It's a different question.

Opinion poll, how are you thinking of voting? Exit poll, who did you just vote for? You know, a lot of people don't know how they're going to vote until they vote. So exit polls are much more accurate because exit polls don't have that don't know factor. And people lie. People lie. People are much more likely to lie about their opinions and their thoughts and their intentions than they are their actions. We live in an age where expressing an opinion or thought

that might not be popular, like I'm thinking of voting leave or I like Coldplay can open you up to a barrage of abuse. We've made people unable to articulate their position for fear of being shut down. They're embarrassed to say it. That's why people wait until they're in the voting booth

to express their opinion. No one's watching anymore. There's no blame or shame or anything and you can say what you really think and that is a powerful thing. Well, I just think it's been really boring. Yeah, you've already said that. Thank you for your call. And that's it for us. We will be back after the election because the airwaves are about to be taken over with nothing else. That and the soccer ball.

We've chatted, we've argued, we've occasionally persuaded each other of an opposing viewpoint and we've generally stuck to the BBC's almost impossibly oppressive election guidelines. I think I've been very disciplined. The next time we speak of course, it'll all be over and we will have a change of government. Or not. That decision, my friends, is up to you. The time for discussion is over and it's make your mind up time. Conservative, Labour, Lib Dem, SNP, or one of the funny ones, you know, the guy with a bin on his head, or reform. You are extremely privileged to live in a democracy with all of its flaws, so please remember you don't live in Russia or China, you don't live in Gaza, you've got a vote,

a real one. Go out there and use it. Don't trust the polls. It's not over until the last vote is cast You've been listening to call Jonathan pie take care of yourselves and each other Did I just plagiarize Frasier good job guys Oh Jules Jules She's had to run down to Newsnight. Oh, Newsnight. I work for Newsnight sometimes. Oh, look at me, I'm Newsnight.

Who's doing Newsnight tonight? Dunno. When I was a kid there was a thing called Play School. You had to guess which window they were going to go through. Today we're going through the round window. I do that with Newsnight. Tonight we're going through the Emily Maitlis window. My favourite. Or at least it used to be. You're too young for play school.

How old are you again? 21. Fucking hell, 21. Jesus. Do you mind if I just tied you up around you? Yeah go for it. Oh my god. What? This will be your first election. Congratulations! Oh my god that's so exciting. I couldn't wait to be old enough to vote. Really? My first election was Major Blair. Who's that? Who are you voting for? I dunno.

Obviously you don't have to say. Save it for the voting booth pal. That's what it's there for. Yeah. No one's business what anyone gets up to in the voting booth. As long as it's just voting, obviously. So, who are you voting for? Dunno mate.

Haven't made your mind up? Nah. Well maybe I can help. Who are you thinking of? Labour? Lib Dem? Green? Tory? It's fine if you're a Tory, it's totally fine. Your job's safe. Can't exactly report you to HR for not voting the same way I do. Well that's what they said when I tried to get Roger fired anyway. Come on, you can tell me, who are you voting for? You're not a Tory, are you? Look, I'm just not really into politics. Oh, right. I see. Yeah, it's not really, you know, my thing.

OK. OK. You're just not into politics. Fair enough. What are you into? Transformers, Pokemon, My Little Pony, you fucking child. Oi! What's that about? It's fine, you're just not into politics. You do realise you work in political journalism? You're working in political journalism right now? High brow political journalism, I hasten to add.

Yeah, but that's work. Outside work, it doesn't really affect me, does it? This election affects you in ways you couldn't possibly imagine, but also in quite a few ways that even your pot-addled brain can manage. Alright, grandad. The stakes couldn't be higher. Millions of young people voting for the first time who've grown up in a cost of living

crisis, global instability, war in Europe, an escalating climate emergency, who's running the country matters. Youth unemployment, schools are falling apart, Labour bought in tuition fees, the Tories tripled them, which means you can't afford university. I'm not going to university. Well you can't. Well I don't want to. Well that's alright then, isn't it?

Because you can't. Housing crisis, you can't buy a house. I live with my uncle. You're massively strict uncle. And how's that going for your sex life? Politicians get away with this shit because you don't bother to vote. Because they are happy for you to believe that it doesn't really affect me. They love your apathy.

They fucking love it. They rely on it. They encourage it. You need to vote mate. It's very important. But what difference will one vote make? Well it definitely doesn't make a difference if you don't vote. Brexit, I think nearly 75% of young voters 18 to 24 voted to remain in Europe, but nearly

half of young voters didn't bother voting. Only 40% of 18 to 24 year olds voted at the last election, 80% of 55 to 64 year olds voted. And you got the fucking nerve to go, well bloody old, smelling of piss, exercising their democratic right and voting the way I don't want them to, grrr. Next time, turn up. Young women are the worst offenders, the least likely demographic to vote. What's that about?

What happened to throwing yourself in front of a horse to get the vote? What happened to a little bit of fucking girl power? Zigga zigga, and all that. What? Zigga zigga. What happened to a little bit of fucking girl power? Zigga zigga and all that. What? Zigga zigga! What? Spice Girls!

Who? Look, I love feminism. I love feminism as much as the next man, but occasionally it needs to go back to basics. Like celebrating the fact that women get to vote and the best way women can do that is to fucking vote. They're all the bloody same anyway so what's the point? Now that really boils my piss. Whenever I hear anyone say oh what's the point they're all the bloody same I always think what you're actually saying is I'm a lazy ignorant twat and I can't be asked to engage with the democratic

society that I was lucky enough to have been born into, I just can't be fucked to, I don't know, maybe read something, anything, that might perhaps inform me, like facts and stuff. That seems far too difficult, so I'm just gonna not bother, and I'm gonna blame my apathy on the assumption that all politicians are all the bloody same, that they're all on the take, they're all David Ike's lizard people. So I'm not going to bother to vote and I'm just going to sit here and watch the world burn whilst fapping myself silly to PornHub

because I can't be arsed to walk 100 yards down the road to my local primary school to put a cross in a box. Lazy cunts. Sorry. Sorry, went off on one there. In Australia you have to vote. It's a legal requirement. Well that's bullshit. Why? Tell me why it's bullshit. I don't know, maybe it isn't.

No, no, tell me why it's bullshit. Listen mate. Sam, why is it bullshit? Because I shouldn't have to vote. That's why. It's a democracy. Because in a free society I choose not to vote. Yes. It's a democracy. Because in a free society, I choose not to vote. It's a democracy. You should have the choice not to vote for anybody. Bingo! There you go, you are smart as fuck mate. I completely agree with you. You can choose not to vote for anyone. That is sacrosanct.

So what the fuck are we talking about? I choose not to vote? But you still have to turn up, you still have to engage. You can walk into the voting booth and draw a big fat cock on the ballot paper if you like. No you can't, you have to tick a box. No you don't. Drawing a cock is perfectly legal, valid and acceptable behaviour. Some might say behaviour that should be encouraged.

Alright, but, ok, I didn't know you could do that. But what if, what if everyone draws a cock on the paper? Well it doesn't have to be a cock. I mean it could be a dumping bum or a hairy fanny. No, I mean- Use your imagination. No, I mean what if everyone draws a cock or a shitting ass or a... Can you do tits?

Of course. Big tits, mate. It's up to you. It's a democracy. Right, but what if, what if everyone does that and no one actually votes? Erm... Well, I think there would certainly be a recount, but, I mean, that would trigger an historic constitutional crisis, and like, imagine it, scholars would pour over the exit poll data for millennia.

Sorry, I don't get it. What's the point of going all the way to vote if you're just gonna draw a funny? Spoiling your paper. You're saying I vote for none of the above. If they're all the bloody same, which they're not by the way, but if they are you're saying I don't want to vote for any of them. It's a political statement. To me that is more politically engaged than not bothering at all. To be able to draw a shitting arse on a ballot paper is your sacred democratic right. But what does it achieve? What will that do?

Err, well, it'll really annoy one of the ballot counters at about 3.30 in the morning. Right. And what does that achieve? Alright, don't spoil your paper. Look, Sam, your apathy is the most dangerous threat to democracy and freedom that there is. Hmm. Do you care? Do you care about things? Yeah. And do you have opinions on stuff? Yeah.

I know you do because you talk about stuff all the time and you are nowhere near as thick as you sometimes pretend to be. Aww, thank you, mate. Do you ever get annoyed or worried about the state of the country or the world? Definitely. Well then, you have an opportunity for once to do something about that. Sam, become a citizen of this horrible shitty little world that you've been born into and make a small but significant difference.

Alright, so who do I vote for? Well, that's for you to decide, mate. Yeah, but how do you, you know, know who to vote for? Well, you have to work out where on the political spectrum you lie, right? For balance I read The New Statesman and The Spectator. Okay, just read The Manifestos. Erm, okay, follow Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer on Instagram. No I can do that.

Great! Okay, I will. Thanks mate. We're done? Yeah we're done Great! Okay, I will. Thanks mate. We done? Yeah, we're done. Yeah man, fuck it. I get to do a vote. It's exciting. So what do you do? Do you just rock up at the voting place? Yeah, just turn up. You're registered, right? No. You've got to register. That's ridiculous. I didn't know you had to register. Are you fucking joking?

Of course I'm fucking joking! How stupid do you think I am? You're a dick mate. So you're registered? Yeah, of course. My mum did it for me. Good girl. Woman. Lady. She'll wipe your arse for you as well, does she?

So, you're gonna vote? I guess so. Still don't know who I'm gonna vote for. Cheeky Nandoes? Erm, I'm actually a little bit... Oh, I'm paying. Go on then. I bet you're looking forward to election day then, aren't you?

Am I? Fuck. You know what they got me doing on election night? Outside broadcast? Outside broadcast. You know where? Hmm? Eastley South. Where is that?

Exactly! Thank you. That's what I said. Wherever it is, it is butt fuck nowhere. It's certainly not in the studio with Clive Myrie. First he gets mastermind and now election night. Bastard! I should be in the studio. I could do the swing-o-meter. Last time, last election they said next time you'll be in the studio, not a fucking sports centre in Eastley South.

Thanks for listening to the Comedy of the Week podcast from BBC Radio 4. If you want more, check out the Friday Night Comedy podcast, featuring the news quiz and dead ringers. How would a world heavyweight boxing champion cope if they were left alone on a desert island? When you're preparing for a fight, a big part of it is isolation, this preparation to get ready for battle and to be victorious. Hello, I'm Lauren Laverne, presenter of Desert Island Discs from BBC Radio 4, and I'm here to tell you about a very special castaway, the World Heavyweight Boxing Champion, Anthony Joshua.

When you look at a lion and they're showing affection, you think, oh, they're so amazing, I'd love to give one of those a cuddle. Then you put a gazelle in front of it, right? And you see its pupil widen. I feel we all have that nature, right? When it's time to eat, I love to hunt. That's just in my nature. Anthony Joshua on Desert Island Discs. Listen on BBC Sounds.