Comedy of the Week - Crybabies Present...

Episode Date: August 4, 2025

Jeremy Moleskine is the biggest writer in bawdy greetings cards. So when his car veers off the road, his number one fan is on hand to nurse him back to health. But when R&R turns into B&B (belittling and bludgeoning), Jeremy’s agent must track him down with the help of incarcerated lunatic, Clinton Scards.Brace yourself for a psychological thriller as Crybabies bring the big screen to your normal sized radio.To hear more episodes from this series search "Crybabies Present" on BBC Sounds.Written and performed by Michael Clarke, James Gault & Ed Jones.Featuring Chiara GoldsmithProduction Co-ordinator - Laura ShawSound Design by David Thomas and Victoria FreundProducer - Benjamin SuttonExecutive Producer - Joe NunneryA Boffola Pictures production for BBC Radio 4

BBC Sounds music radio podcast. This episode is a psychological thriller exploring what happens when your biggest fan becomes your greatest enemy crybabies present yours fatally. Look mate if you don't want exclusivity you're going to have to up your price because it's going to be another bestseller. That's why no you look mate you are dealing with sleazen's greetings we are the country's biggest and bawdy is greetings card company mr.

nightingale I have Jeremy Moleskin for you oh great send him through I'm just practicing off a phone call so don't try and lowball me mate cuz the only low balls I'm interested in are droopy testicles on a Father's Day card. Jeremy, how's my favourite client? Awful, thanks. I asked for sparkling, not still. Well, that's kind of how sushi comes, Jeremy.

Now close the door, will you? I've got very big news. Card Factory want first dibs on your next greetings card. What's their beautiful brain cooking up, eh? Okay, well, this is something pretty special. Whoa, as special as this candle's the only thing getting blown on your birthday? No. No, this, uh, this is something quite different.

All right, don't tell me. Uh, wine o'clock. No, uh, Prosecco o'clock. No, uh, dildo o'clock. No. Glenn, listen. I've been writing these bawdy greetings cards my entire career now, alright? And I want my next card to be something different, alright? So, I've been working on this.

What's that? That is my great American greetings card. It's 600 pages long. Yeah. It's not finished yet. And you're from Bromley. I want to write about loyalty, sacrifice. You know what it really means to show gratitude, no more tawdry fluff. But you have a gift, Jeremy.

You were the first person to put 58,008 into a calculator, turn it upside down and make boobs. Oh, never forget when you showed me that. I had to go to A&E. And Jez, what about your fans? Oh, I don't care about the fans. Well, they care about you. Remember that guy who committed all those murders

inspired by your works? You don't want to take people like that for granted. I've always delivered. I've never once missed a deadline. I slave away. I suffer for my arts. While you just sit there in your Cuban heels... You leave my Cuban heels out of there. Forcing me to churn out Prosecco pun after dildo ditty. Well, not anymore. Jeremy, please. I'm your agent. All right? of there. Forcing me to churn out Prosecco pun after dildo ditty?

Well, not anymore. Jeremy, please, I'm your agent. All right, I've always been there for you. Proofread this, dry clean that, bribe this jury. But I gotta say, mate, I think you're making a big mistake. Yeah, and I think you're forgetting that you work for me, all right? If you want another boardy greetings card,

you're gonna have to torture it out of me. I'll have this new one finished and on your desk by Monday. Because in many ways, that sure was, whoa, we interrupt this political podcast to bring you an emergency weather report. Storm Cafe has brought high winds and low visibility to Cold Eastern, making the roads treacherous.

Can't trust them one bit. The minute you turn your back on them, bam! You'll find them in bed with your wife. And if you're listening, Leanne, hey, hey, get off me! Get off me! Apologies for that, our weatherman is clearly going through something. But nonetheless, the roads are icy. Oh, show, Glen.

This is going to be the greatest greetings card the world's ever seen. Just as soon as my car stops hurtling off the side of this cliff. Wait a second! Get well soon. Best wishes. Sorry you were in a car crash. Where am I? Why does my breath taste of steering wheel? You're with me silly. Your car swerved off the road. Thank goodness I was passing by. Who are you? Oh, of course. I'd forget my own bum if I didn't fart so much.

Name's Pam. Pam Snoyxon! Snoyxon? S-N-O-R-X-O-N is how you write my name with pen! Little song my parents taught me, dead now of course. No need to tell me who you are though, Mr Moleskin. Oh, you've heard of me? Heard of you? I'm your number one fan. I've got all your cards. I'll keep them up on this shelf. Look.

Lord, there must be... 895,612. Every single card you've ever written is up on my shelf, alphabetised by dirtiness. From anuses to zebra anuses. Are you sure it's safe? I mean, it sounds like it's... Creaking under the weight of your baldy genius! It's very sweet, thank you, but I really should be getting back. So what day is it?

Monday. Or as I like to call it, is it Friday yet? LAUGHTER Monday? My God, I was out a week at... OK, listen, I've got to get back. I've got a meeting. Oh, you're not going anywhere, my love. Your leg's broken, see? What? Oh, my God! Both are closed. Phone lines are down. It's just the three of us.

Three of us? Oh! What the hell is that? Sorry, Jeremy. This is noisy, my pet swan. That's a swan! Oh! I found him outside with a broken wing, but I managed to nurse him back to health.

Oh! He doesn't sound too happy. I found him outside with a broken wing, but I managed to nurse him back to health. He doesn't sound too happy. He's still a bit poorly, Jeremy. But if he ever needs to pick me up, I'll read him one of your cards and we laugh and laugh and laugh. He loves them! Not as much as me, though. Like I said, I'm your number one fan. Okay sir, can you run us through the timeline of events please, Mr Nightingale? Well I saw him on the Friday, then he was meant to send me a draft on the Monday, but nothing's turned up and now it's Friday again.

Or as I like to call it, is it Monday yet so we can get back to work and make some money? It's just so unlike him. Okay, and how would you describe the deceased? Deceased? Missing! Sorry sir, missing. Save myself a bit of mental paperwork there. Well, he's um... average build, maybe slightly taller than me. Okay, and how tall are you sir?

Five eight and a calf. Five eight and a calf sir? Yeah, I'm five eight when I'm stood on the back of a baby cow. Understood, understood. I just don't get it, you know. Twenty-five years. He's never done anything like this. So you'd say you're close, then? Close, yeah. He's my best, um, seller.

Well, what about that guy a few years ago, the fan who killed all those people in his name? Maybe he had something to do with this. Oh, he's in prison. Is he? You're the police. You tell me. Well, sir, sir, remain calm, alright? If you ask me, this is a classic case of a creative writer just needing to get away from it all.

Actually, something of a creative writer myself, when I'm not looking for corpses. Corpses! People, sir! This is a call for people who may very well still be alive. Where are you, Jeremy? There you are, Jeremy. Another log on the fire. Thanks, Pam.

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah, I was in the Jeremy. Another log on the fire. Thanks, Pam. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. This card's one of my favourites. Congratulations on your nude job. And there's a picture of a man in an office and he's not wearing any clothes. Look.

It's an early one, that. You're a genius. It's very kind of you, Pam. Thank you. Can I say, I can't help but notice that there isn't any writing in these cards. And? Well, normally the point of a card is you send them to a friend, a loved one. Well, normally people have a sense of humour, but that's not always the case, is it? Now, Jerry Bear, I've got a confession to make. When I pulled you from the wreckage and saved your life...

Yes, thank you again. ..I couldn't help but notice that there was a briefcase under the passenger seat. And I know I shouldn't have, but I had a little sneak peek inside. But that case had a combination. Well, there's only so many numbers, Jeremy. LAUGHTER Anyway, I pop pop it open. And what do I find?

A Jeremy Moleskin original. Look, here it is. Mind the leg, please, Pam. Oh, little Pam, it's not like you can get it to read your words before anyone else. Well, you know, I mean, it's not technically finished yet, but I got to say, I really am excited about Pam. You know, it's about truth, sacrifice, what it really means to show gratitude. I had one note. Oh. Well, I guess.

The only real question I had is, what the hell do you think you're doing? Excuse me? The boardiness, Jeremy. Where is it? Well, it's- Where's the Prosecco? The puns?

The black and white photos of ladies from the 50s with speech bubbles saying something modern and rude? I just wanted to try something different. There's nothing wrong with a bit of blue! Okay, Pam, Pam, just calm down, right? Like I said, I haven't even finished it yet. And you never will. What are you doing with that manuscript? Gotta keep this fire burning.

Pam, please, put it down, alright? People need blue, Jeremy. Pam, that's put it down, alright? People need bloom, Jeremy. Pam, that's the only copy! This is for your own good. No! It's okay, Jerry Bear. Now you can get back to work. You're insane!

You're going to stay in this room and write your boredy humour cards, and then I'm going to send them to your agent. They'll keep getting printed and the world will be better and bluer for it. People are gonna be looking for me. Er, who? I... My... I know all about you, Jeremy.

String of foul marriages, kids you never see. You're like me. You've got no one to send cards to either. I'm the only one you've got. I'll leave you to it. Congratulations on your... nude job. Congratulations on your nude job. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But what if it was like a horse, but it's a Christmas card and instead of saying ho ho ho it says horse horse horse

Right everyone in this room is now fired Mr.. Nightingale there's a card here. Who's it from it's from Moleskin sir Jeremy. Oh my god. Thank thank God He's okay. Are you sure it's him? Have a willy good birthday, and there's a picture of a penis shaped birthday you sure it's him? Uh... have a willy good birthday. And there's a picture of a penis shaped birthday cake. That's him, alright. No, but hang on. He swore he was never gonna write a boardy card ever again. Well, something must have changed his mind. A good thing too. This is a guaranteed hit.

And just in time for birthday season. No, no... This just doesn't make any sense to me. But it might make sense to someone else. He sells at the end of the hall. Now remember, he's a master manipulator. He'll prey on even the tiniest insecurities. It's good I don't have any.

Of course. Nice Cuban heels, by the way. Hello, Dr. Scout. You're short. Let me out of here! Somebody let me out of here! Come, Agent Nightingale. We're only just getting started. Now you listen to me, Dr. Scard. Please, call me Clinton. I've got something I want you to look at. It's a card from... Jeremy Moleskin. How did you know? Crude all ink. Highly flammable, but its crudeness is unmatched. Mr Moleskin swears by it. His modus operandi.

I'm not intimidated by your French, Dr Skir. I know you're a fan of my client. His number one fan. Mr. Moleskine and I see the world alike. A base carnal circus of the id. I enjoy cards about saggy ball bags as much as the next person. But that does not give me the right to commit atrocities. I committed no such thing.

You killed your father on Father's Day, your mother on Mother's Day. You removed the floor from an all-bar one plummeting 14 Hindus to their deaths. Talk about a bottomless brunch. You're a madman. Then what does that make you? To come to a madman for help, little nightingale? Jeremy's been missing for weeks and suddenly this car drops through my door. I know he's trying to tell me something.

Just look at this. Have a willy good birthday. Another example of Mr Moleskin's trademark purience. Or is it? Go on. Look at the spacing of the Y of the Willy. It's all wrong. Mr Moleskin is a man who prides himself on his fontal locationing.

And yet, here it is chaotic, pushed right up against the L. I don't understand. It's an equation. The Y is Jeremy, and it's being held against its will. You're saying somebody's holding him captive? But who? A fan? Compared to me, agent, they are merely fairweather. Well, how do we find them? Oh, if you want my help, I'll need something in return. Quid pro quo.

Your German's not gonna work here either. What do you want? I want a key to my cell and a loaded shotgun. That is not doable. Well, we don't know how much time Mr. Moleskin has left. Tick tock, Agent Nightingale. Or as the man himself might say, prick cock. Or as the man himself might say, Prick. Cock.

Here we go, Pam. Just finished another one. Congratulations, you legend. But look, the legs crossed out, and Belle is written in graffiti writing above. Yes, congratulations, you bellend. Oh, cherry bear, I love it. This is some of your finest work. Thanks, Pam. And hey, now my leg's healing.

Maybe soon I could get some fresh air or leave this room. Save your silly jokes for your cards, Jerry Bear. I'll pop you to Gold Eastern and post this to your agent. I'll grab some more of your special ink too. Only the best for my Jerry Bear. Now you don't go anywhere. Oh, how could I? Right, Jeremy, you can do this.

On your feet. Okay. How do I get out of here? Come on, man. You're a creative writer. If you were a character in one of your cards, how would you get out of this room? You'd try the door! It worked! You genius! Now to conquer the front door. Locked! Okay, uh, key, key, key.

Oh, God. This place. It's all just bawdy tat. Video tapes. Treasured memories. Some kind of CCTV footage. Okay, Pam, thank you for coming into the office today. I hope you don't mind, but I've also invited our head of HR.

Ooh, ah, more like. Look at his arse. Okay, Pam, this is what we're talking about. We've had multiple complaints about your sense of humour in the workplace. There's nothing wrong with a bit of blue. Well actually there is. We've had three staff members request transfers to your relentless carry on obscenity. Who? Jenny Telia, Paul Sack and Chris Wobblyboner.

You know what? Chris needs to lighten up. His son is lost at sea Pam. That being said, we appreciate everything you've given to this company, so this is just a warning. But I hope you will take it on board. Oh, I will. I wonder what happened. Wait, there's another tape. Tragedy today as fire claims the lives of dozens of office workers. Emergency services at the ooh what a lovely sausage meatpacking headquarters found no

survivors. They did however find the doors barricaded, all the fire alarms with their batteries removed, and the words there's nothing wrong with a bit of blue written in blood on the fire exits. Authorities say there is no reason to suspect foul play. My god, she's a murderer. the fire exits. Authorities say there is no reason to suspect foul play. My god, she's a murderer! And there's one more tape. Tonight on Robot Wars, Pringle This takes on the reigning champion, Chaos II. Not sure that one's relevant actually.

Eugh! Oh! Noisy, it's you! Listen, this is our chance. We can escape. Yes. Together. I just need to find where the key is. Under the mat? That's wonderful, Noisy. I speak more swan than I thought. The keys, there they are. Doing it. We make quite a team, eh, Noisy? Noisy and Jeremy, free at last.

You think I'd leave your bedroom door unlocked by accident? You're having a laugh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha break a man's legs, especially if they've got a sledgehammer! Noisy? Noisy, you don't have to do this. But he wants to. Don't you noise them. Pam, please, I've made a mistake, okay? I'm going to go back inside and we can talk about this. Do it! No, please, please, I was getting better. Break them, Noisy! And the other! we can talk about this. Do it! No, please, please, I was getting better. Break them, noisy! No! Ah!

And the other! No! Ah! Son of a! Shh! Save it for the cards, cherry pear. Let's get you back to bed. Damn it, Clinton.

Three more cards have arrived, and we're still no closer to finding Jeremy. You know what I think, Scouts? I think you're scared. Of what? A literary agent with two-foot heels and three-foot hair? Not of me! You're scared you've been replaced. You're served by another admirer. By his true number one fan. The first card. Read it to me. Congratulations, you legend.

Yes, but he's crossed out the leg and put bell and graffiti writing on top. It's a twist on a classic, so what? The leg has been destroyed. It has been... Broken. Exactly. He's broken his leg. Now look at this one. A buxom lawyer in a court room with the caption, The prosecution breasts. You'd give it to a friend when they're acquitted for harassment, so what?

Look closer, agent. There are four extra R's in the word breast. Contribution breasts you'd give it to a friend when they're acquitted for harassment. So what? Look closer agent. There are four extra Rs in the word breast. He's actually saying burr East he's somewhere cold and he's somewhere east But the only place that's cold and east of here is Cold east haha, you're beginning to fly, little knight in Gaeor. But who? Who is holding him captive, the final card? Well, it's a picture of a scientist.

And he's holding a calculator, and he's saying, from my calculations, your farts are noxious. Good luck with the colonoscopy. But the word noxious is in its most violent form. All capitals. Why? Oh, there's something here. I just can't see it. Why do we send cards, agent,

to commemorate life's most significant moments? To send a message so precise that only the recipient could truly understand? The calculator. Go on. The card. It's upside down. It's not noxious.

It's snoyxen. That's the name of the. It's Snogson. That's the name of the person who's got him. But how are we going to find them? Well, the sender address is on the back of all of these. Oh God, we wasted so much time! Please. Please Pam, let me go.

I'm begging you. I'll do anything you want. All I want is for you to keep writing these cards. This is torture! I can't think of any more. There's only so many times it can be wine o'clock. Well you've got all the time in the world now. This is your life, Jeremy, and there is no one coming to save you. What did you do? Nothing. Nothing, I promise. Don't you make a sound. DOORBELL

Just coming! DOORBELL One second! Hello, madam. Do you have two minutes to talk about the Battersea Frogs and Toto? I'm afraid now is not a good time. Do you have two minutes to talk about the Bats to see frogs in Toad's home? I'm afraid now is not a good time. Well it's funny you should say that madam because now is also not a good time to be a frog or a toad. Help! Sorry is there another voice I can hear inside madam?

No, no, no, just me. Help! Because if there is another resident at this address madam I do have the legal right to enter the property and give them the exact same pitch. No, no, no, no, you can't come in! Oh my god! You shot him! I do have the legal right to enter the property and give them the exact same My god you shot him he shouldn't have poked his nose in you've done it now Pam They're gonna come looking for him. You know what these door-to-door people are like you cut one down two more take their place You're right Looks like it's a goodbye card for you Pam Looks like it's a goodbye card for you. Pam?

Hello police? Yes, I've found Jeremy Moleskin. He's being held prisoner in Coldeastern by one Pam Snoykson. I'm on the way there now, but you need to send a SWAT team immediately. I'm getting really good at these phone calls. Soon I'll be ready for the real thing. Damn it! I crashed into Jeremy's crashed car! I must be close. I'm going to have to carry on on foot.

Which way is it? Oh, curse these tiny legs! Where's a calf when you need one? I'm coming for you, Jeremy! Wait, wait, Pam. Pam, just put the gun down. Oh, grateful little runt! If it weren't for me, you'd be dead in the woods. Pam, please. I cared for you. Fed you. Cut your breaks for you. What? I've always been there for you. And this is how you repay me.

Yes, you're right. Okay, you're right. I've been ungrateful. I've been selfish. I see that, okay? So please, just let me make that right, alright? Before I die, let me write Let me write you... A thank you card. What? A Jeremy Moleskin original. Just for you. You'd do that? For me? My final card.

For my number one fan. Will it be blue? Oh, bam. It'll be as blue as a smurf going down on a rock fort. This place is in the middle of nowhere. Now you, sir, excuse me, do you know where Pam Snoykson lives? Of course, sir, it's just that cabin just through the trees. Okay, thanks for your help.

And now maybe you can help me. Excuse me? We're in the area today raising money for the Battersea Frogs and Toe Show. Okay. You ready? As I'll ever be, Jerry Bear. There once was a lady called Pam. Uh-huh. Who was my number one fan.

Oh, yeah? She gave me my ink without stopping to think... Here it comes! That crude oil and flames go BANG! The fireplace! No! No! The fireplace is on fire! Now's your chance, Jeremy! Get out of this bed! Keep crawling to freedom!

Oh no, you don't! Get back here! You don't want to be blue! Well, you will be when I'm finished with you! You wanna be blue? Well you will be when I'm finished with you! Yuck! Oh god, the cabin's on fire! I gotta get in there now! Sir! Just let me go! Sir, I'm legally allowed to restrain you until you put your email address into this iPad! You might be due this, Jeremy!

Always have your cards! I wouldn't be so sure. What? My cards! My beautiful cards! They're all burning, Pam! Everything from anuses to zebra anuses! The shelf... it is collapsing! Under the weight of my Bordy genius!

No! No! In the end, Taz Bordy killed the beast. I've got to get out of here! I can't believe it. She's gone. You're safe now, Jeremy. There's nothing that can hurt you. Noisy! Put down the sledgehammer!

No! Something hit him. It's a... Cuban heel! Glenn! Glenn! Something hit him. It's a... Cuban heel. Glenn! Glenn, you found me! You solved the clue! Of course I did.

Also, I may have signed you up as a celeb ambassador for Battersea Frogs and Toto, but we'll cross those T's later. The important thing is, you're alive. I wouldn't be without you, Glenn. I'm so sorry for how I've treated you. I've been... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, come on. I mean it, Glenn.

I've been ungrateful. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I, Glenn. I'm so sorry for how I've treated you. I've been... Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on. I mean it, Glenn. I've been ungrateful, selfish, time and time again. You put yourself through hell and high water just for me. Hey, what can I say? I'm your number one fan. Huh. You know what? That gives me the idea for a card. And this year's Pulitzer Prize goes to...

Jeremy Morskin for his greetings card. I'm your number one fan. Thank you. Thank you. I'd like to thank my fellow nominees, Meyerangelo, Your Holiness. But most importantly, I'd like to thank my agent, my friend, my number one fan, Mr. Glenn Nightingale. Stand up, Glenn! Stand up!

Oh, he is today. No, that's my client up there. Mr. Nightingale, there is a phone call for you. Can't they see I'm in the middle of an awards ceremony? Er, no sir, they're on the phone. Alright, hand it here. Glen Nightingale. Greetings, agent. Scots?

How did you- Escape. You are warned not to leave anything in my hands, agent. The cards? I jimmied a lock with the first card Slash the warden's throat with the second And now I'm using the third to call you You really are a genius my my What a speech he gave

Though it seems there is a new pretender to the crown. What do you mean? There can be only one number one fan. Now you listen here, Scards. I'm coming to kill you, Glenn. Now be reasonable, man. For God's sake, they're just greetings cards. I'll be seeing you soon, agent. Yours fatally.

Clinton W.H. Smith. Scards. Scards. Scards? Scards! Scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Crybabies presents Your's Fate Alive. Written and performed by Michael Clarke, James Gault and Ed Jones. Featuring Kiara Goldsmith.

Sound design by David Thomas and Vicky Freund. The producers were Benjamin Sutton and Joe Nannarie. It was a Buffalo Pictures production for BBC Radio 4. Hi, we're Crybabies. I'm Ed. I'm Michael. And I'm James. I'm 6'5", have long hair and a mustache, and I'm sitting in a chair talking directly into a microphone. What are you doing? I'm describing myself as a listener at home, Michael. BBC sounds is a very audio media. Medium?

It's audio medium, you said media. Michael, medium is a type of t-shirt. Okay. Well, your t-shirt's on backwards, James. Also, you were two hours late to this recording, so don't lecture me on the best... If you enjoyed what you just heard and would like to hear more, just go to BBC Sounds and type in Crybabies Present. I lean back and nod in agreement.

You're an alcoholic! Hello, I'm Brian Cox. I'm Robin Ince and we're back for a new series of The Infinite Monkey Cage. We have our 201st Extravaganza, where we're going to talk about how animals emote when around trains and tunnels or something like that. I'm not entirely sure. We're doing one on potatoes. Of course we're doing one on potatoes. You love potatoes.

I know but... Yeah, you love chips, you love mash. I'll only enjoy it if it's got curry sauce on it. We've always got techno fossils, moths versus butterflies and a history of light. That'll do, won't it? Listen first on BBC Sounds.