Comedy of the Week - Current-ish

Episode Date: July 27, 2026

Lucy Porter is joined by John Tothill, Kyrah Gray and Amy Annette to talk all things current-ish events. Should politicians wear ties? Should children learn to read? And should we all now identify as Spanish?Hosted by Lucy PorterWritten by Lucy Porter, Ruth Husko and Katie Sayer, with additional material by Mike ShephardProducer - Katie Sayer Assistant producer - Lorna Reader Executive producer - Victoria Lloyd A Mighty Bunny production for BBC Radio 4

Currentish. I'm Lucy Porter and welcome to Currentish, the show that serves you everything you need to know about current events in the summer months when you might be more interested in picnics than politics. For the next three weeks, I'm going to be joined by some fabulous fresh-faced comics to chat through the week's news

as well as highlighting some stories you might have missed. We'll be combining my world-weary cynicism with their youthful joie de vivre. Imagine the family group chat when your mum's had a couple of rosés and finished her book on the EU. To sum up my vibe, think Emily Maitliss broadcasting live from her back garden with her feet in the paddling pool, her bra in the freezer,

and the calipo instead of a microphone. It's that time of year where we've swapped our heavy winter duvet for the light summer one and we've done the same for our prime ministers. I mean, if anything, Andy Burnham's hotter, but hey-ho. England didn't manage to bring football home but they did drop it off at the top of the road and it promised it was fine to walk the rest of the way from there. The US and Iran announced they are committed to peace talks

right after they finish sending each other strongly worded invitations disguised as missiles. US Secretary of War, Pete Hegesith, announced that the conflict with Iran has cost $37.5 billion so far and he said he's going to need even more money, explaining to Congress, we live in a dangerous world.

Yes, mainly because he's in it. those are the things that I managed to gather in between sunbathing and eating kettle chips but our wonderful guests have been digging a bit deeper please welcome my panel john tottill kaira grey amy annette it's delightful to have you all here it really is thank you now and i'm going to turn to you kaira first to ask a quick question um if you were andy burnham what policy it was a dream isn't it i know i know i get told i look like him all the time so that's really nice So if you're Andy Burnham, what policy would you immediately introduce to win over the public? Do you know what? I have a few. I do have a few. But I think my main one that I think people are most passionate about is paying for bags.

I don't know how we got swindled into trying to save the planet by paying for plastic and now we're paying for paper. Yes. Yeah? You notice you're going into Primark and Zara and you're paying 40p, guys. Yeah? Someone needs to get stoned in the square. And I'm not having it, do you know what I mean? So that would be my... No, no, no, no. It's just disgusting, honestly.

I've never said stone someone in the square before, but I do want to say it now. Thank you. I agree with you. Thank you. I think this audience probably would be in favour of the death penalty for a lot of... People playing their music out loud on train.

Yeah, oh. I cannot get... Don't you think there's a point there where if you've got people playing music out loud and then sometimes if, like, a mad person brings a speaker onto a train, I find that quite life. Do you know what? Absolutely fair enough. But I think there's a difference there because a phone feels like you're being rude.

Yes. Because this is your device but you just you just don't mind inconvenience in us. But a speaker's like I want to invite you to my party. That feels like a community. I can get behind them. That's how far we've got that people with speakers are now the good guys. Yeah. Wow, what a world. So we've established their death penalty for charging for paper bags, playing your music out loud, unless you're insane.

In which case, you could lead the Labour Party. Yes, that's what Andy Burning can do. John, obviously speaking of new jobs, Andy Burnham's just started. What's the worst first impression you've made in a new job? Well, before I was a comedian, I was a teacher. And on my first... Don't just get a boom! It's a contingent being of people who think kids shouldn't learn to read.

Or it's one of your ex-students with a very deep voice. Do you know, the school I used to teach at was really, was round the corner from here, so it's not out of the question. It could be one of you. I made a terrible first impression because, I mean, I was one of those teachers. You know when you walk past, like, there are certain classrooms you walk past at school, and you think, oh, okay, it's not that those children aren't learning. Those children are forgetting.

And that was me. Every day for about six months. And I should be clear, I taught year four, by the way. I just can't... Which is what? That's eight year old? Yeah, eight or nine years old, yeah. They are the scariest at that age. Right?

Yeah. They're terrifying. Because they've got... Because they're terrifying, they're very small, but they've now got theory of mind. They understand themselves as individuals and you as just a person. So Amy,

as we all know, England won the third place playoff. So my question to you is, what's the most pathetic thing you've ever won? I'm not co-signing that. I love to boys. Oh, no. I feel like the most pathetic thing I've ever won is, in my secondary school, we got into the idea of doing a yearbook for the first time, you know, the kind of the Americanization of this, this UK.

And so we did this yearbook, and we got superlatives, so like most likely to. And I got most likely to be the Prime Minister's wife. And I think it's really important for you to know, I went to a girl's school. Also, you know, watch out Mrs. Burnham. Because you're not that old. We had had a female Prime Minister by that time.

Famously. And sure, it didn't go well. It wasn't her gender. It was her ideas and politics. You could be talking about any of the three there. So true. Anyway, we'll move on. So the main headline this week

was that we have a new Prime Minister. Andy Burnham was mocked for posting a Love Island-themed TikTok. In the video, we see Andy strolling into number 10 as a voice-over announces... This week, a hot new bombshell enters the villa. Do you know what? I think I am now in favour of the social media ban, but not for teenagers

just for Andy Burnham specifically. There have been mixed messages in the first week of Andy Burnham's premiership. He promised to end homelessness on the same day that he kicked an unemployed, grey-haired, sad old man out of the place he'd called home for the last two years.

What a sad day that was. So, John, film him. What else has Andy been up to? Good question. So Andy Burnham, I mean, there's been a bit of... big stylistic shift, hasn't there? I mean, they can't change that many policies because obviously they've been elected on the same manifestos five minutes ago, but there is something slightly stylistically different about Andy Burnham. Andy Burnham is the kind of man if he caught you smoking weed as a teenager.

He wouldn't tell your parents, but next time you see him, it'd have a long chat with you about mental health. Do you know what I mean? There's a kind of approachability to him, and it's all part of this he wears a T-shirt, and he gave his inaugural speech without notes, without a lectern. And I know that's a gimmick, but it really works on me. I was so impressed. When someone makes a speech without notes, because it can go so, like, you can either give the most electrifying oratory

you've ever seen in your life, or a speech without notes can be like a, it can be like a father of the bride standing up, drunk, you think, is he about to say his daughter looks shapely or something? Do you know what I mean? It's on a knife edge of speech without notes, and so I'm quite easily impressed, yeah.

Well, the sort of communication seems to be better. The vibe, seems to be a lot more relaxed, doesn't it? And you mentioned the no shirt and tie thing. So he's not going to wear a suit except on special occasions, like his daughter's wedding, where he calls her shapely. I might be about to out myself as sort of the most conservative man in Britain, but I think the prime minister should wear a tie.

Do you know what's scary about that is there are people like me who walk around being like, well, maybe I'll just elect a fascist, shall I, if you're not going to wear a bloody tie. You know, God knows what I'll do. It's scary. I think it would be so embarrassing if you've never been seen wearing a tie to turn up on the first day as Prime Minister are wearing very work experience, you know. Like suddenly, you know, and you're wearing your dad's suit that doesn't really fit you. I'm quite indifferent about it because I quite like the fact that I think he's trying to be one of the lads, do you know what I mean?

I think he's trying to be like, I'm just like you. Let's lower the taxes. I feel like that's his vibe. And I quite like that about him. I like how normal they look. Yes. Yes, you're right. And there's a kind of, he's, he's, he's, metropolitan in a kind of

he is laid back but also and it is a little bit tryhard. You know, do you know where he buys his shoes? Clarks. And that's a bit suspicious, isn't it? Because that's a bit too relatable, isn't it? Do you know what we all know about Clarks? I bought my school shoes

in Clark. I was once told and I quote, Christ, you've got wide feet in Clarks. Maybe he has wide feet. I love the idea of Andy Burnham there with that little machine they used to get out. And all you've done very well, just pop your foot to the back of the slidey thing

and here's a lollipop. That's lovely. But that kind of made me love him more because that's very Jamaican of him. Do you know what I mean? That's very Jamaican. To find shoes in Clarks? Wipes Cartel has a very, very vibrant song called Clarks.

Go home and search it. I like the fact that there's a trendy song called Clarks because my cloud stepper sandals that I'm wearing tonight are from Clarks. Wow. Oh, I love that. So the next time my children take the Mickey out of me, I will play them a song.

Yes. I'm very cool actually. Other shoe shops are, of course, available. Oh, yeah, sorry, we have gone heavily into... But then where would you buy your shoes? Shoes zone. There's shut as well as well as it. Yeah, why are they all called just shoes and stuff like that?

It's so weird, isn't it? Shoes zone, shoe? Well, it's the classic confusion because boots is called boots and doesn't sell boots. Yes. So they've gone, we need to be a bit more clear in our messaging. This is shoes. Very much like Andy Vernon. But then super drugs are called super drug and they ain't got no super drugs.

So what have you thought, as well as the sartorial aspect to it? And we should point out to the listeners that John is sat here wearing a full morning suit. So you're not keen on his style, but what about the policies? On Thursday, he promised to cut business rates for hospitality venues at music clubs and stuff like that, which I think is great, obviously, I guess. But also, when he made the announcement, he said, I want the pubs to know the cavalry are coming. I thought that's great.

You couldn't imagine Kirstarmer saying that, could you? That's quite literary. There's something happy warrior like about him. He's polling now, I think, at 28%, which isn't good, but it's not unprecedentedly bad. And he's kind of, it's old labour. You know, old labour are back. He cares about affordable housing.

He cares about transport infrastructure. And occasionally he will say something mad, like we should nationalise the picky bit section of MNS. And you think, yeah, great. Old labour's back. I can deal with them, you know? It's like we're bringing back pubs and we're, you know, are we going to tax

vape shops, which is very modern? And it's all sort of bringing back and buses, things that we sort of know and trust and heating. Stuff that we remember for now. Thank you. Yeah. I feel like he's one step away from saying that my knees will work again.

We'll get rid of Microsoft Teams. Yeah. God, yes. Oh, popular. The opposition have said that Burnham is obsessed with Manchester, but Andy says that's unfair. He also mentioned Stockport.

And he's further tried to allay fears that he is on a mission to Manchesterise the nation, saying there is no truth in the rumour that he's changing the name of the Houses of Parliament to the co-op live legislative arena. So we have found out a little bit about what he's. been doing and we found out who's in but let's think about who's out because Kirstarm has gone, Rachel Reeves is gone, the lectern is gone basically if

you were a wooden presence in British politics you didn't survive this week so Keir Stama left but who is in Amy so the cabinet so far we know that Rachel Reeves is out she was offered defence but she rejected it so instead now that we have Angela Raina, Ed Miliband, Yvette Cooper, West Streeting, Louise Haig, Hamish Falknardner, Shabon, Puckman, Fadden, and John Healy. But having said that, there's quite a lot of similarities, even though like Angela Rana's come back, Louise Haig's come back, and also I know the idea, it's the most northern cabinet yet, but I do think that, you know, he's slightly missed an opportunity here.

Because, you know, with Anna Sawa, they brought him in from Scotland as a lord, right? And when Cameron was brought in by Johnson as a lord, they showed that if you just make someone a Lord, you can pretty much have anyone you like in your cabinet. We could have had the most Manchester cabinet of all time. Okay? I'm talking Sir Alex Ferguson. I'm rolling Mr. Ferguson down that Downing Street, red carpet. Imagine saying no to Alex Ferguson.

Can you imagine? No, Gallagher. Obviously not Liam. Obviously not Liam. Get Gallagher in. Or like one at a time they could both be doing it. Imagine a PMQ's and you're a Tory looking over and it's just Noel Gallagher just staring you deep into the eyes.

You're not saying nothing. I feel like they've made a mistake there. It'd be quite good if you got the Gallagher brothers in because it would make the millibands look harmonious. Yes. And the bends. But a lot of the people who are now involved in Burnham's government are classic labour heads, right?

A lot of them are to do with this thing called Labor Together, I noticed, which is like a network really more than anything else. But a lot of them were like founding members or part of Labor Together. It's now called Think Labor. Think Labour. What's next? Ah, can we win it? Labor? I think we're great.

Think labour sounds like a cry for help, doesn't it? Think Labour, for God's sake. You've got one more chance. Yeah, he really does. And I think it is kind of that. But anyway, so they've all come together back into this cabinet. So although it feels like a new change, in many ways it really is, I think it is a classic labour thing where so many of the same people are back.

Well, you said there's new heads and old heads, but there's new hair. Oh, yes. And thank you for bringing it up, because it's my great. great obsession of someone who often dyes her hair and then regrets it. Louise Haig very much Burnham's sort of number one. In fact she's made herself the... Yes, the Duchy of the Duchy of Lancaster. What does that mean? So it's a sort of nonsense role but what she has made herself is... It's like, it feels like one of those things where everyone else gets a proper job. It's like

when you know you go around someone's house for dinner and they clearly don't trust you to cook anything so they say you can bring the crisps. Is that what that is? Yeah, that's what that is, John. I'm always on Chris. And ice, you've ever been asked for ice? Yeah, all the time. Dips, Dips, John? No, I'm not trusted with dips. And I should say nonsense roll.

That's obviously not a political statement. I feel comfortable making, but I've made it now. No, she has made herself the person that everyone reports to. She's like the head of all the secretaries of state. It's very chic to do. Oh, my God. You know, I love the way that Burnham's done it. You know, he's very much by the rule, my enemy's enemy is, you know, John Healy.

It's a fantastic one. Everyone who undermines Stama in some way by leaving early or saying that he should leave have been given roles in this cabinet, which I think is, you know, mean girl-esque. And I respect it so much. I mean, some of the first things that he's done, the new Prime Minister's plan to cut VAT on household energy bills was going to be funded with money from the abandoned plans to introduce digital ID. But it turns out that nothing was ever allocated to that.

so the cash will have to be recovered from something else that was never going to happen. So suggestions for that, the victory parade for the England World Cup squad, maybe. The HS2 station in Leeds. Money going there, or the rap party for the Scott Mills Breakfast Show. Now, we have talked about Andy Burnham.

I'm now going to move on to a subject that I know very little about, right? Kyra you have been looking at the World Cup and I am warning you in advance I need all of your help when it comes to talking about football I will be honest with you this World Cup lots of it happened after my bedtime Christop

also there was about 150 nations playing in it and I was like I am not going to stay up till 1 in the morning to watch Vatican City versus Narnia right so I Need you to fill me in, Kyra. What did you enjoy about the World Cup?

Oh, I really just enjoyed it. I felt like it really brought everyone together. Like, did everyone watch the World Cup? Yeah. Yeah? And you guys enjoyed it? Yeah. Honestly, I feel like whenever we have the World Cup and Love Island going on at the same time, there's just like a air of harmony in the wind.

There's so much to talk about. You know, there's just so much to gossip about. And I love that. And I will admit, like, as it started to get a bit more, it started to become more of a possible idea that England could win it. And there were more England flags in the street. it was a bit scary, you know? Because you don't know

whether they want it to come home or if they're telling me to go home. So I think that was it for me. It's a big thing. But like I'm really proud of the England team because I think this is the furthest we've gotten since like 1960 or something like that. So I feel like we really need to applaud them for that.

But I will say that semi-final game, yeah? I'm like 90% sure this is why men are losing their hair. It's football. It's not your wife, Jonathan. It's because you support Hull. Do you know what I mean? I don't know how you guys do it. I was so stressed out.

I wanted to jump through the screen and put someone in a headlock. And to be honest, I probably would have fit in quite well with the way Argentina was playing. It was just very rough. People were getting punched. It was just really gross to see, man.

I was Spanish in the final. I don't care. I don't care. What anyone's got to say? Ola, la, la, si. Yeah? Don't care. I know Tuchel got a lot of.

of backlash. People were saying he wasn't playing the right players. And I do agree, we didn't see Saka once. Then you play him in the best losers match. Saka scores a hat trick. I was fuming, right? But I was really proud of them, because I think it was just such a beautiful moment, and it was really nice for us all to witness as well.

Jude Berlingham. The whole audience has won. Oh. But I think it's very important for us to remember that he is like 23, 24. Oh, I know you made, you said, which is the right noise, but I'm talking to myself and my own thoughts.

Remind me. Remind me. I really love Jude Bellingham and Harlan's relationship. I thought it was so cute to witness their little friendship, them just on the rubbing foreheads. How romantic is that? Do you know what I mean? I've never had a man do that to me before.

I just wanted them, I wanted Harlan to lift Jude in the air and fulfil the dirty dancing fantasy that we all had. Because I was... Do you know what I mean? I was kind of been a blast. Oh. It was just so nice.

My flatmate is Spanish. And the final, every time one of the Spanish players passed the ball to someone else, under her breath, she kept going, my boyfriend. My boyfriend. There was another one of the Spanish players who put his World Cup medal around his mum's neck.

Oh, yes. Oh, and that was, see, because I don't have any interest in footballers sexually at all. I will be, I mean, they'll be relieved, I would think. But I do, you know, I look at it. I do. I look at young men and I think I could teach them things in the bedroom they've never dreamt of. But literally just mean changing their sheets, that's all I'm telling you.

I do not enjoy the younger men. What I enjoy is men who are nice to their mothers now. That's what gets me every time. And they are a lovely generation. Aren't they? They're nice boys. They were so gracious, weren't they? And you compare it to the behaviour of the Argentinians. It brings out your inner Margaret Fatchett, isn't it?

I thought, could we take it back again? Your inner Margaret Thatcher is never that far from the service. I've come on national radio to go, the Prime Minister's well a tie and I feel like Margaret Thatcher. Thank you. We've talked about the World Cup, but the sport doesn't end there. The Commonwealth Games kicked off in Glasgow on Thursday after Australia pulled out of hosting.

The slim down line up has meant some sports, such as cricket and the triathlon, have been cut, but some traditional Scottish sports have been added, including spot your husband's shopping and hide the camper van. Donald Trump has signed a landmark deal that will allow Saudi Arabia to develop a civilian nuclear program. A despotic ruler with no respect for women has now signed a deal with Saudi Arabia.

The deal only allows Saudi Arabia to use the technology for energy programs, not weapons. A security measure is airtight as the warning on a box of cotton buds telling you not to put them in your ears. So we've talked about the main news, but here at Courantish, we don't just want to cover the big hitters. I've also asked my panel to bring along a smaller story that caught their eye

because it's not the size, it's what you do with it. So Amy, let's have a quick listen to what you want to tell us about. Yes, I was talking about Andrew Tate, which is one of those sort of fun stories where the minute you sort of actually think about it for even half a second, you think, ah, that's very bad. But it's true. Andrew Tate and his brother have been arrested. in Miami.

Yes. I'm arrested by, obviously, the US Justice Department for extradition to the UK because of cases brought against him by the Bedfordshire Police. It's important for us to remember that the UK should bear some responsibility for Andrew Tay and his brother and his ilk

because he grew up in Luton. Yeah, so do you think about that next time you're getting an easy jet fly. You're at the home of Tate Hood. But the story is ha-ha-ha, because what he was wearing, when he was arrested can only be described as

an outfit made for Silla Black that he has stretched upon his body because he's wearing a silky, purple shirt tight beyond belief, okay? Trisha would have looked fantastic in this shirt that's what I'm trying to say, but he looks insane. Because if you've never seen Andrew Tate,

imagine if the plasticine character Morph had made some really bad life choice. Actually, No one has described him better, Lucy. That's exactly right. And he is, you know, he's set himself up as a role model for confused young men, but at least this week he was a role model for those of us who aren't sure if we've still got the ankle to carry off a capri pant.

Well, that is a great story to cover because he is a pathetic man. Kaira, what story caught your eye? Oh, I saw this story about a cute Labrador. His name's Tokyo. And he had to get rescued from the tallest mountain in Scotland because he accidentally ate inedible. That's edible marijuana. That's edible marijuana for our non-drug listeners.

And first of all, accidentally, do you know what I mean? Personally, I feel like Tokyo wanted a good time. Right? And I think he just didn't know how much to put in it, you know, understandably. I just feel like he wanted a night out with the lads. And he took, he bit off more than he could chew. So, yeah, that's my favourite story, actually. It was a gorgeous little story.

I mean, and obviously we feel really sorry for Toko, but we should point out that he did make an absolutely full recovery. Oh, he's fine. Yeah, better than fine, actually. He managed to make it to the garage at the end of the road for some Rizzlers. I bet he ate a lot of dog treats that day. Yeah, Labrador is the worst dog to be stoned, right? Surely.

They're hungry anyway, so. John, you've got a lovely story to share with us. Yes, I don't know if you've seen this, but a South Korean bank manager was found. to have embezzled 70 million Korean One, so about $45,000 worth of banknotes. And the way that he pulled off this heist is at the bank he worked at, he would go down to the bank vault and slowly replace the banknotes with cartoon banknotes. And I mean like cartoon banknotes.

I mean, these aren't even vaguely realistic. You can see pictures of them and they're like cartoon penguins on these other things. And then eventually when he was finally found out, he was so popular at the place where he worked that they decided they were going to try and resolve it internally. Just give the money back. We all like you. They stole $45,000.

Just give it back. And then eventually someone said, no, I think this is maybe a police matter, actually. He sold tens of thousands of pounds. But it's a good idea for John Healy's fiscal black hole problem, isn't it? Cartoon money. Yeah, well, there we go. There's a way to fix it.

the economy right there with cartoon notes. The little story that I loved, which you may not have seen, was that obviously we all know the biotapestry is back on British soil the first time in nearly a thousand years, but an academic debate has been raging about how many penises

are depicted on it. Obviously prompting the question, how can we be sure that was an arrow he got in his eye? But just to fill you in it, it's brilliant, there's two rival professors, right? So medievalist Professor Garnett says there are 93 penises, 88 belonging to horses and five to men, which is very much like a Jilly Cooper novel, really, isn't it?

But rival tapestry scholar Dr. Monk believes he has found a 94th, but it does answer the question. Could I get a PhD in looking at medieval cocks? The answer is yes. Thanks to our excellent panel and our sensational studio audience. that's everything you need to know to stay Currantish this week. Goodbye! Currentish was hosted by Lucy Porter

with guest comics John Tottsill, Kira Gray and Amy Annette. It was written by Lucy Porter, Ruth Husko and Katie Sayer with additional material by Lorna Reader and Mike Shepard. The producer was Katie Sayer, and it was a mighty funny production for BBC Radio 4. Hello, it's Lucy Porter here. If you liked that episode of Currentish, you can hear new episodes,

Friday on BBC Sounds. Just search Friday night comedy. Could you talk about being invisible or double denim? Who knows what's next on the new series of Just a Minute? Belting out a rendition of Godabat. Whatever the topic, our panel has just a minute to speak without hesitation, deviation or repetition. Join Zoe Lyons, Desiree Birch, Paul Merton and many more for the new series of just a minute with me, Super Kids. It's funny because it's true. Listen on Radio 4, and the full box set is available now on BBC Sounds.