Comedy of the Week - Dead Ringers

Episode Date: July 13, 2026

The Dead Ringers team train their vocal firepower on the week’s news. This week: Trump turns tricks, Tuchel talks tactics, and Count Binface is unmasked.Starring Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Duncan Wisbey and Kieran Hodgson.To hear more episodes of Dead Ringers, search "Friday Night Comedy" on BBC Sounds.Produced by: Jon Holmes Executive Producer:James Robinson Production Co-ordinator: Giulia Lopes MazzuA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

Shut up, losers. The Donald is rambling now. This week, I have once again proved why I am your all-time favorite president ever. Who cares about getting the Nobel Peace Prize for stopping ten terrible wars? Because I actually got the more prestigious FIFA, FIFA. Peace Prize for stopping ten terrible Vars. What an epic week. It's been for the Donald, unbelievable.

First I reversed the red card from America's Bosnia game. Then I reversed the ceasefire from America's Iran game. And now it's straight to penalties and a shootout in the straight of Hormuz. But the football red card was easy to reverse. Easy. Because the Donald's very good friends with the FIFA bus, Mr. Infantino. Infantino. I knew him when he was just a cuff.

I called them up. It was a perfect call, actually, because I'm an expert on soccer, or as they call it in Europe, hockey. But then Belgium, nasty Belgium, they won the game 4-1, totally rigged result. The worst steal since the 2020 election. J.D. Vance tells me Sleepy Joe Biden was the referee. And Crooked Hillary was on VAR. They're scum. We are now at war with Belgium. My secretary for hangovers, Pete Hankseth, has launched Operation Epic Tintin. We have proof Belgium's president, Mr. Urquil Prow

has developed a nuclear-enriched chocolate waffle capable of being delivered anywhere across the globe within 15 minutes. Let's find out if the Islamic State of Belmont Belgium has a soft centre. It's ringer. You're listening to the World at One with me, Sarah Montague. Look, it's hot, you're working from home, but you could at least put some trousers on.

Nigel Farage has stunned Westminster by standing down as MP for Clacton. Mr Farage joins me now. No, no, no, let me resign. Yes, yes, you have resigned, Mr Farage, but only so you can trigger a by-election at which you're going to stand. Oh, here we go.

Why must I be constantly scrutinised by you, Lord, over every single little thing that I do? Little thing, this is quite big news. And there we go. You had to bring my family into it, didn't you? I didn't say anything about your family. No, no, no. Let me wallow in victimhood. You vultures in the media always go after the one thing big nige treasures more than anything else. Are we back on your family again? No, love. My money.

What did it ever do wrong? That sweet, innocent money. All it ever wanted was to live away from the spotlight of constant media attention, but you lot in the lamestream media wouldn't allow it! The only people who can judge Big Nige and the good people of Clacton

in this by-election. Your £5 million donation was reported to the National Crime Agency, so I'm sure they can also... No, only the people of Clacton and a by-election can judge me. I don't think that's how it works. Well, you would say that, wouldn't you?

Bloody BBC, you're blatantly biased towards Count Binface. He's on the BBC or the ruddy time, whereas I am never on it. Mr Farage, thank you. There you go. Bringing my family into her again for no reason, you total bastards! Hello, I'm Gary Lineker, and welcome to the rest of football on Netflix. And no, I can't believe that no one's told me this goatie makes me look like a roundstands. on a Bangkok ping pong bar yet either.

England are gearing up for their quarter-final showdown with Norway, and I'm delighted to be joined by the England manager, Thomas Tuchel. Hello, once more, Gary. After that thrilling win against Mexico in the last round, I'm beginning to think this could be our year, aren't you, Thomas?

No, Gary. The year 2026 cannot belong to us in any meaningful way, unless by us, you mean those who follow the Julian calendar and you are trying to distinguish us from, for example, Zoroastrians. What I mean is your team's got a date with destiny

because they've got three lions on their shirts. I hope not, Gary. At an average weight of 190 kilos each. If a player did have three lions on their shirt that would add over half a metric ton to their body weight, significantly affecting their speed and agility, not to mention the significant risk

that the three apex predators would kill and eat the player. The point I'm trying to make is Jules Rema is still gleaming. No, Gary. Former FIFA President Jules Ernest Serefine Valitin Rime is not still gleaming, having died on the 21st of June 1954. And will therefore by now be just a pyreth.

of dull bones. Final then, Thomas. Any message for the England fans back home? My message is, if we win against Norway, enjoy it. But if we lose, try not to react too badly. Do you think that's possible, Gary?

No, Thomas. It is useless to resist. There is no escape. Don't make me destroy. Stay back. Look, join me, and I will compete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy. If only you knew the power of the dark side.

I'll never join you. Okay, I'm just being told you that you are now joining the dark side after all. What? What are you talking about? How the hell did that happen? Yeah, that was me. I just had a phone call with my good friend Mr. George Lucas and I got him and the FIFA Galactic Disciplinary Committee to overturn Luke's decision. You're welcome, by the way.

I don't want to join the dark side. Why the hell not? We have matching wristbands, and on Tuesdays we go for Nettchos. Netchos! There's me, Darth Maul, Suboba, Johnny Infantino. Mr. Vader here, he's a great guy, by the way. Another good friend of mine. So do not underestimate the power of the Donald side.

Vader, is it true? Are you and this guy really good friends? Yes, Luke. Trump is your godfather. Back to Wimbledon, I'm Claire Boulding, a golden retriever who's gone to Tony and Guy. So the big story of these championships is the extraordinary performance of the British Wildcard,

Arthur Ferry. And as he prepares for his semi-final clash with Sasha's Verif, we can cross over live now and soak up the atmosphere with Tim Henman. Yes, Claire, and the mood out here is, well, it's pretty unique, I've got to tell you. Tim, from the sound of it, you seem to be, you seem to be on a boat of some kind. Yeah, that's right, Claire, because I'm on Ferry Ferry, the special new fan zone for British tennis fans to gather and watch the exploits of their latest hero. So are there any tennis fans with you? Well, now you come to mention it, no. But Andy Murray's here. Hello, Claire. You don't think they've put you two on Ferry Ferry just to get you both away from Wimbledon so we don't have to listen to your monotonous punditory. That sounds highly

unlikely, Claire. There's tons of people all too happy to listen to my voice, especially given the heat wave and how hard it is to get to sleep. So are you enjoying the ferry, Andy? We're lost in the North Sea, night has fallen, and there are shapes in the mist, Claire. I think they're the spirits of long-dead sailors that have come to lure us into the fog and drag us down to a watery grave

with their rotting, barnacled hands. So yes, I am enjoying it, yeah. My biggest concern, Claire, is that we only have tennis rackets to defend ourselves with... And I'm not very good with those. Andy Murray, Tim Henman, thank you. I'm Annette Jones, and you're listening to Classic FM, Radio 3 for Simpletons.

We have a very special treat for you now. We're going to dip into a performance of Tristan and Isolde by Richard Wagner, specifically the Lieberstud finale, perhaps the most famous climax in the entire history of classical music. So here, live from the Metropolitan Opera House in New York, the climax of Tristan and Isolda. There will now be a three-minute hydration break. Morning, Linda. How you're getting on with preparations for the Borchester show? Well, seeing as you mention it, Eddie, do you know where I might get held of some bunting?

I thought it might cheer up the cake marquee. Oh, cake marquee. I thought you were organising a dog agility competition, Linda. Well, I was, Eddie, but then I thought a cake competition might be a touch classier. Oh, seems a shame if you ask me. Well, I didn't ask you, Eddie, besides, I've made my decision and that's that. Wait a minute, Linda. I've just been told that we will be having a dog agility contest after all. That's very strange.

How on earth has that come about? Well, that was me. I just had a phone call with my good friend at the Farming and Countryside Advisory. She told the FIFA Agricultural... disciplinary committee to overturn Linda's decision. I understand everyday country folk really well, really well. Oh, thank you, Mr. President. Eddie Grundy, I like your style.

You got any experience in politics? Sir, I'm just an overconfident and problematically backward bumpkin with a taste for dumb, get-rich quick schemes. Perfect. You want to be my new Attorney General? I'm Sophie Ridge, and for what it's worth, This is Sky News. Voices from across the political spectrum are warning Andy Burnham

not to appoint Ed Miliband as his Chancellor. Mr Miliband joins me now. Hey, lady, like, how's it hanging, dad you? Sorry, is that your motorcycle? Sure is, doll. Hey, like, don't like flip your wig, yeah. But Mr Miliband, you do seem to. have spooked a range of people,

invested in the city of London, fear you'd increase borrowing, while the Unite and GMB unions worry that your green agenda will cost their members, their jobs. Look, I hear what those cats are saying. I guess I'm just a little bit dangerous. Dangerous?

A renegade, a maverick. Hey, I'm the kind of guy who doesn't brush his teeth sometimes just for the hell of it. Or wait wear his seatbelt on an airplane. Even when the seatbelt find is a little, illuminated due to a spot of mild turbillululence. Shouldn't you be reassuring people that the country's finances would be safe in your hands?

Hey, listen, Sophie, if the man is looking for a steady, economically competent chancellor, hey, I'm not that guy. But if it's a fiscal thrill ride you're after, then buckle up, baby. Haven't we had enough financial instability lately? I don't give a darn what you ulsters think. I'm a rebel without a clue. When I get on a tube train, I don't mind the gap

or stand well clear of the closing doors. I take fish fingers out of the oven with a tea towel instead of an oven mitt because I just don't care. Now eat dust, you squares. Edmilla Brando, it's coming through. I should have sat on it first, shouldn't I? Welcome to the BBC's World Cup coverage

with me, Gabby Logan. And head of England's match against Norway this weekend. I'm joined now by Harry Kane. Hello. My name is Harry Kane. And I am captain of the England men's football squad. And not a lot of people know that. Sorry, sorry, what's going on? You're not Harry Kane? No, Gabby. I am not. Allow me to explain. When Harry Kane lost his voice at the end of the Mexico case, he thought he should rest it for Norway. So he's asked me to do all his interviews this week. He asked Michael Kane.

I think he thinks we're related. Which we're bloody not. But from now on, just pretend you're talking about Harry Kane and not Michael. Go on. Ask me how I'm feeling about a Norway match. Okay. How are you feeling about going up against Erling Harland? He's a big man, but he's out of shape.

Yeah, but he's not, though, is he? He's in incredible shape. Don't question me, Gabby. You're just a football presenter, and as such, you're only supposed to show the bloody scores off. Look, this doesn't work. You're clearly a different person. Now, you listen to me.

Are you suggesting that Sir Michael Kane, two-time Academy Award winner, is incapable of capturing the essence of Harry Kane. Well, no, I wouldn't... Admittedly, I've not quite got a voice right yet, but ask me how it felt to score the winning goal against Mexico. How did it feel to score the winning goal

against Mexico? Right, here we go. Well, to be fair, Gabby, you know, scoring the winning goal against Mexico was was our bloody dream come true, and it wasn't? Well done, Michael. You bloody nailed it.

Welcome to Long Lossed Family, the show that reunites broken families with me, Davina McCall. These days, I basically do this, shampoo and the menopause. Tonight we're dealing with a particularly fractured and divided family. Let's go and meet one of its members. Hi there, I'm Davina. Good to see you. Can I have a hug?

So how would you describe your family? Well, just like most families, I suppose. Complicated and Germans. Now, Charles, we understand you're a strange. from your brother Andrew. Well, he's only got himself to blame for that. What an earth was he thinking getting mixed up with such a wretched person? You're referring, of course, to...

Emily Maitliss, yes. That whole newsnight interview left one properly cheesed off. And I'm talking a decent Fortnham and Mason truffled cheddar, not your chewy pizza express, woking rubbish. And you have a son, William, but I believe you also have a young... Do I? Are you sure? I was told you don't really speak to each other anymore since he moved to America.

Oh, Harry, yes, yes. He was sick of the cameras being constantly pointed in his face, so he retreated to the peace and quiet of California to have Netflix constantly point their cameras in his face. Well, Charles, I've got exciting news. We tracked Harry down, we've flown him over to the UK, and we'd like to reunite the two of you. Well, I never. What a thrilling prospect.

In fact, we've actually invited him to come and stay with you at Buckingham Palace and he's really... Oh, sorry, I'm just being told, apparently the invitation's been rescinded. I'm not quite sure how that happened. Well, it wasn't me. No, that was me. Thank you, thank you. It's a great pleasure to be here in Ankara

for this important NATO summit to discuss the vital discussions that need to be discussed in discussion with our allies as discussed in the course of the discussions we're discussing. I'll take some questions now.

Yes, Chris, Chris Mason. Chris Mason, BBC. Prime Minister, what further measures does NATO need to take to combat the continuing threat of Russian aggression? Well, look, Chris, It's as crucial now as it has ever been for global security,

that we continue to work closely and effectively with our allies. And what I want to say, what I really want to say, is that I just can't be asked with this anymore. Prime Minister? Well, I mean, I've only got two weeks left. What's the point? Seriously, why am I bothering to give my usual, careful, diplomatic non-answer? When nobody gives a flying fudge cake,

What I say? I can let loose. I can let my hair down. Well, if it wasn't set with gorilla glue. Okay, next question. Beth, next question. Beth, Riggby, Sky News. How will Great Britain meet its commitment to spend 5% of

GDP on defence, whilst also maintaining current levels of welfare spending? Well, Beth, thank you for that question. And I think it's really important to point out that I have absolutely no bloody idea. Not the foggiest. Couldn't give us stuff where the money's coming from.

Not my problem anymore. Ask Manky Burnham. See as you all love him so much. Perhaps he can set up an only fan's account or something. 20 quid to flutter his eyelashes and the hay-prust... There's a couple of billion. Brilliant. Oh, God.

Finally being able to say what I really think feels so good. Right, next question. Robert Pest and IT. news. What do you make of the extraordinary remarks by the President of the United States about the current situation regarding

the war with Iran? Another good question. Thank you, Robert. Well, look, what you really have to understand, Robert, is that Trump is a twat. Surely you would agree that... No, no, no, sob this. I'm not answering any more questions. If anyone wants me, I'll be the one at the bar

necking Lager Shandis, and not even wearing wearing a roddy tie. Smell you later, tossers. Sue, Sue, time to run. You're listening to BBC Radio 4's intrigue to catch a king. The hit investigative podcast, it's dramatic, it's dangerous, it's downloadable. I'm Sue Mitchell, I'm a reporter and my friend Rob Lorry is ex-army. And I talk intense whispers. Because of the danger.

In this episode, we're tracking down the kingpin of a particularly sordid and despicable organisation, and as usual, we're in a foreign country. You can tell we've flown there because of the sound effects. That's an aeroplane, because of the drama. And now, we're using more sound effects to walk through Miami airport to pick up a higher car. But Rob, his ex-army, has been in very bad. Investigating clues and so forth, and it's led to even more drama. Sue, Sue, it somehow escaped my grasp. Rob left his passport in the Harry Potter shop next to a cuddly Dobby.

Rob is ex-army. Wait, there he is, Sue. Suddenly, because of editing. Rob has spotted our quarry, one of the most loathsome individuals, even we have ever come across. Hello, I'm Gianni Infantino. President of Fever, welcome to Miami for this World Cup quarterfinal. Mr. Infantino, can we have a word?

No, sorry, I have nothing to say to you. It looks like you've got him sweating, Sue. Of course he's sweating, Rob. It's far too hot here for a football tournament. Because of the humidity and the danger. He's running away, Sue. We immediately. lose him because we have to carry

so much recording equipment and a camera because of the social media clips. But Rob realizes Infantino has dropped his phone. This could be the big breakthrough so the rumor is Infantino may only be

the second in command. Let's see if we can speak to the guy who's really in charge. He's calling Rob. Hello losers, it's me. Donald. Donald is not ex-army. Because of the bones

spurs. BBC, I'm going to sue you for your fake danger. Abort mission! Abort mission! The forest, Rob. Edit us into a forest. Oh, Miami forests are way too. There are logs with eyes moving towards us.

They're alligators, Rob. Because there's too much danger. Abort forest. Abort forest. Join us next time, back in a safe British forest. To catch a king. Rob is ex-army. You're listening to today with me, Justin Webb.

Hair of Kier Stama, without the animal magnetism. With the other main parties all refusing to stand a candidate, the Clacton by-election triggered by Nigel Farage looks like being a straight fight between him and Count Binface, who joins me now. Good morning, Justin. Good morning, Planet Earth. Do you now see yourself as a serious candidate to win this by-election? How dare you? Of course I do.

But your manifesto is clearly a joke, capping 99 flakes at 99 pence. Pensions to be triple locked with an extra little chain on the side, nationalising a dell? Sensible policies for a better Britain. But this could be a really important moment in British politics. And your manifesto, I'm looking at it now, hang on, Wait, what's this? Scrapping the limit on banker bonuses, abolishing the OBR,

45 billion pounds of uncosted tax cuts? Yes, those are all my policies too. Hold on, Count Binface. Can I ask you to remove the bin from your head? I think Britain needs to see who the ultimate joke candidate really is. Good Lord, it's you. I know. Your service?

Did you miss me? And I'm also pledging to scrap traffic lights so everyone can get to work much quicker. And I'm going to put everyone's houses on high stilts so that the deep state can't get us. Ted Ringers was performed by John Colshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis MacLeod, Duncan Wisby and Jess Robinson. It was written by Neff Mountain and Tom James,

Lawrence Howe, Sophie Dixon, John Holmes, Joe Toppy, with additional material by Rachel Eiffon. E Thorn and Lizzie Mansfield, Cooper Mojewrne Swart. Daredringers is a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. It was created by Bill Dare, and the producer is John Rowe. If you enjoyed this episode of Comedy of the Week and want to find more episodes of Dead Ringers, just search Friday Night Comedy on BBC Sounds.

Thank you for your attention to this matter. Great job. Political language can seem archaic. It's like the light from one of those stars that actually died. Sometimes bamboozling. It's a theme park with a five-foot log flume from one thought to another. And very often, beyond words. I don't mean how to describe the language I use.

I'm Amanda Unucci. I'm all reset and turbocharged to stress, test to destruction, used and abused buzzwords and phrases from the world of politics. I come with a dazzling array of guest presenters and I'll be exploring the verbal tricks of the political trade, the intentions behind them and the effect they have on all of us. The new series of Strong Message Here with me, Amanda Unucci, from BBC Radio 4. Listen now on BBC Science.