Comedy of the Week - DMs Are Open

Episode Date: March 24, 2025

The secret of the bees, an unusual secret Santa and the secret to a happy marriage all feature in this week’s show, written by the next generation of comedy writers.DMs Are Open is back for a brand new series. Stevie Martin is your host and she’s brought together an incredible cast of comedy legends: Al Roberts, Charlotte Ritchie, Sunil Patel and Emily Lloyd-Saini.Written by the public. This week it was written by:Steve Blair Jo Bunting Caitriona Dowden Aruhan Galieva Ben Pope Vicky Richards Christina Riggs Pete TelloucheScript Edited by Cameron Loxdale and Mike Shephard.Producer: Georgia Keating Assistant Producer: Katie Baum Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Coordinator: Sarah Nicholls Recorded by David Thomas Sound Design by Charlie Brandon-KingRecorded at Up The Creek.A BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4. An EcoAudio certified production.

BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts. This is DMs are open, the open door sketch show that anyone can submit to, showcasing the next generation of comedy writers. I'm Stevie Martin, not that one, and I'm joined by our incredible cast, Al Roberts, Charlotte Richie, Emily Lloyd-Sany and Sunil Patel. This episode's theme is secret, where we reveal the secret to happiness. Wait, what? Okay, everybody gather round. It's time for Secret Santa.

Oh, Jenny, why don't you go first? Okay. Oh, oh, God. Oh, it's a mug with my face printed on it. Dave, was that you? I'll never tell. Oh, come on. OK, Dave, why don't you go next?

Yeah, go on, Dave. I wonder if David will get a lovely free massage. OK. Dave, why don't you open it up? Oh, it's a handwritten note on the back of a receipt. Oh, what does it say? Oh, what does it say? Yeah, what does it say? One free massage. Oh, well, what a turn up for the books.

Brian, is this from you? From me? What could possibly lead you to believe that it's from me, Brian? Because on the back it says, from me, Brian. That must be Secret Santa messing around. I would never offer Dave the opportunity to have his tiny body moulded with my supple experienced hands.

The receipt is for massage cream. the one that's on your desk. It's a Christmas coincidence. That's not a thing. And the note is dripping. Is that blood? Oh my god, Brian. I don't think so. Your hand is bleeding, Brian. That could be anyone's B positive blood. How do you know it's B positive?

Secret Santa must have had a bleeding hand when he wrote the note. Why do you want a massage Mae? It's not from me, it's from Secret Santa. Brian is this a- It's not a sex thing! I sit behind you every day and from nine till five I silently suffer through staring at your terrible posture. Trust me you're veering into a head-on collision of middle-aged backache and maybe Secret Santa thought you just needed to into a head-on collision of middle-aged backache, and maybe Secret Santa thought you just needed to put a foot on the brake. We know Santa doesn't exist, Brian. Okay, we're adults. It's not Santa, Jenny. It's Secret Santa. They are completely separate entities.

Um, okay. Secret Santa is a different Santa. He's smaller and different, and he wears a skin tight bodysuit and he doesn't do chimneys. He does corporate gift circles like this and small friendship groups in their 20s who can't afford to buy all their friends separate, discrete gifts and you never see him because if you did he'd kill you. That's how secret he is and maybe that's why he's given Dave the opportunity of a lifetime to be caressed by some delicate seasoned fingers to fix his problemed posture! I just really love Secret Santa. Why don't I open my Secret Santa?

Get the mood back up. Oh, mine is also a piece of paper. It's a free colonoscopy from Julie in HR. Hi Brian! The culture in this company has got to change. So everyone please raise a glass to my wonderful parents Michael and Angela. Here's to another 50 years of marriage. To Michael and Angela. To Michael and Angela.

Thank you darling that was lovely wasn't it Michael? Lovely. So what is the secret to a happy marriage? I think it's just about communication really, being honest with each other. Don't listen to her, the secret to a happy marriage is that your wife is honest with you and you agree with whatever she says. Okay yeah but what's um but what is the secret? I don't know what to tell you Shirley love, a long marriage is just about working together as a team. I mean, yeah, obviously, but what I'm trying to get at is what's your secret?

Michael spends a lot of time with the allotment. That's not what I mean. That's not what I mean. And you know it. Look, we've had the smoked salmon, we've had the champagne, we've had the pudding. Now can you give me the real shit? what is your secret? Okay, fine. If you must know, when your father and I eloped, we married by moonlight in the depths of the forest. And part way through that service, the priest began to transform into the human form of her and the hunter.

And he had majestic antlers, didn't he, Michael? Mm. And they were surmounted by an aura of pure white flame. And he sounded his ghostly hunting horn. And he summoned all of the creatures of the Woodland Council to pay homage to us before his unicorn attendants carried us down into a secret forest kingdom where we ruled wisely as king and queen.

For how long was it, Michael? Four hundred. Four hundred years. Bringing peace and seizing the twelve enchanted rubies from the elven lord Madrigal, whose evil minions had skewered your father with their fiendish occult instruments of death. Do you remember that, Michael? Yeah. It's why he's still got such trouble with his knees. And for that service, Herndy creed that he would grant us a long and harmonious marriage.

But shortly after that, your father thought he might have left the gas on. So we had to return to the mortal realm of men. We found we hadn't aged a day. We put the kettle on. Michael popped out to the little Tesco for a few bits. And then you came along, which kept us nearly as busy. Also, never go to bed angry. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. And that was the final piece of the jigsaw. The moment when I knew that you, Miss Mapleton, were not Lord Blatchley's secretary, as you professed, but in fact his first wife, whom he'd met in Scotland, married in secret, and then abandoned when his father threatened to cut him off without a penny.

You are a clever man, Inspector. It seems that, as always, you've got your man. Or should I say, woman. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. We hope you've enjoyed watching the most long running of Murder Mysteries and we now ask you the audience to hold a secret of your own, the secret of whodunit. Yes, we would ask you to please not reveal the identity of the murderer to allow future audiences to enjoy the play and its final plot twist for many more years to come. Can we rely on you all?

Yes! What's it worth? I'm sorry? I paid through the nose for this ticket so how about you refund the price and I promise to not post the identity of the murderer on social media or stand outside the theatre holding a black card saying the murderer is Miss Mableton who turned out to be Lord Blatchley's secret first wife! Wow, that's so disappointing. Every so often we do get one like you.

What a shame. BOOM! So I now invite you the audience to keep two secrets if you will. Oh god, I can't believe this is your childhood bedroom. Is that a Spice Girls poster? It's cringe. God, babe, shut up. Shut up, they were so cool at the time.

Wait, is this your diary? Read me a bit. Oh my god, no way. Get your grubby little mitts off! Oh, go on, it'll be cute. Oh my god, fine, it's so annoying. Okay. Okay, today I sat at the library, I stared outside and I thought about being buried alive the rain pitter-patter against the window pane like the tears of the damned mummy says I'm not allowed to play with her sewing scissors anymore or daddy will punish

me yesterday he locked me in the cellar I heard whispers from those who had gone before they call my name Oh my god, I know I know I got cringe Like do you want to hear more One of the voices told me to take mummy's sewing scissors and play with the dog. I laughed. Sounds fun. Then another voice told me to kill them all and show them no mercy, slice them open and climb inside, wait for someone to come looking in the cellar and then kill them too.

Oh my god, please, please stop. Oh my god, babe, I'm so sorry. It's my diary, like a turn-off. No. No, it's not the diary. You had a cellar as a kid? Yeah. Are you secretly posh? Sorry, that really creeps me out.

Hiya, do you need any help? We've got some great offers on Balkanet bras today, if that's what you're after. Or it's half price on all perfume. Yeah, you're very good. Great acting. Makes it really immersive. Er, thank you, I think. It's amazing how well you've got all these rooms set up. So much detail. Do you mean the way that we've hung all the underwear on the rails? Yeah, the props are so realistic, it's fantastic. Really deceptive, but not enough to fool me.

I've worked it all out. I'm sorry, am I missing something? I know it. I know Victoria's secret. LAUGHTER Yes, this is Victoria's secret. Yeah, but I know. I know what her secret is.

OK, is the secret getting an accurate bra size thing? Because you should know that so many women struggle with that. No, no, no, I know Victoria's secret and you need to take me to her now. OK, OK, very good. Before I take you to her, what's her secret then? No bra has ever fit anyone ever. They're all really uncomfortable and they always will be. Security, sorry this woman's banned. Please can you escort her outside?

I've figured out how! I know the secret! I will not be silenced! Yeah, hi Victoria. Someone's cracked it. Sal, are you okay? You said you had to tell me your secret. You sounded panicked on the phone. I wasn't panicked. I was excited. Everyone's really worried about you, Sal. Can I get you a tea? With honey? Or maybe some toast? With honey? Salie, listen to me. No one's seen you for months, you don't answer your phone, and now we find out you've quit your job. Your face is red raw, are you stressed? You're coming out in hives, what's going on? What have you been doing?

Beekeeping. Beekeeping? What do you mean beekeeping? Well, it started as a hobby, I just went out with a jam jar. You know, like when we were kids. Then I got a bit carried away. OK, well that's all right. It's good to have a hobby. I have all of them. What? I have all the bees.

All the bees? Is that slang? Are you on drugs? Think about it. When was the last time you saw a bee? Er... Not for a while, but, I mean, it's winter. You haven't seen one because I have them all. I have all the bees. Right. You know how scientists have been going on about bees dying out?

Well, they're wrong. The bees are with me. I have all the bees! I don't understand. Do you remember that Calvin Harris song where he talks about getting all the girls? Yeah. Well, this situation is very much like that, but in this scenario, I'm Calvin Harris and the girls are... Bees. The girls are bees, yes, yes. I have all the bees.

So when they're reporting that ecological disasters are looming and world food stocks are threatened because of the dwindling number of bees, you're telling me it's because... I have all the bees, yeah. What is happening? Let me put it into words that you can understand. I have all the bees. No wonder you're stressed. That must be a lot of responsibility.

It's been a nightmare. I've got more honey than Winnie the Pooh's wet dream. I have all the bees. You have all the bees. I mean, if you only take one thing from this conversation, it really should be that I have all the bees! You have all the bees. I mean, if you only take one thing from this conversation, it really should be that I have all the bees. No, Sally, I understand what you're saying, but I just feel like you might be slightly exaggerate.

Oh, here they are now. Oh, my God. That is so many bees. 3.5 trillion bees. You've got all the bees! I have all the bees! LAUGHTER CHEERING And that's it for this week. Can't believe I made it through the entire show without revealing my biggest secret.

By that time I… Hello, I'm Robin Ince. And I'm Brian Cox and we would like to tell you about the new series of The Infinite Monkey Coach. In this series we're going to have a planet off. We decided it was time to go cosmic so we are going to do Jupiter vs. Sapturne. Well it's very well done that because in the script it does say in square brackets wrestling voice question mark.

And once we touch back down on this planet we're going to go deep. Really deep. Yes, we're journeying to the centre of the earth with guests Phil Wang, Chris Jackson and Anna Ferreira. And after all of that intense heat and pressure we're just going to kind of chill out a bit and talk about ice. And also in this series we're discussing altruism.

We'll find out what it is. Exploring the history of music, recording with Brian Eno and looking at nature's shapes. So if that sounds like your kind of thing you can listen to the Infinite Monkey Cage first on BBC Sounds.