Comedy of the Week - Edinburgh Comedy Awards Gala 2026

Episode Date: September 1, 2026

The prestigious Awards turns 46 this year and as always is recognising a Best Newcomer and a Best Comedy Show. In this gala, hosted by 2024 Best Show nominee Catherine Bohart, we hear from the nominees and winners to give listeners around the UK the chance to hear what's hot at the Fringe this year. The Gala was recorded at The Grand in the Pleasance Courtyard, one of the Edinburgh Fringe’s iconic comedy venues.Audible Best Comedy Show winner is Chris Cantrill Taffner Family's Best Newcomer winner is Marty GleesonAlso nominated for Best Comedy Show are: Harriet Dyer, Li Jin Hao, Dan Tiernan, Lara RicoteAlso nominated for Best Newcomer are: Fatiha El-Ghorri, Dom McGovern, Freddie Meredith, Tom Towelling, Underground Monk ShowHost: Catherine Bohart Producer: Georgia Keating Executive Producer: Pete Strauss Production Co-ordinator: Jodie Charman Edited by Chris Maclean Recorded by Sean KerwinRecorded at The Pleasance Grand in Edinburgh. A BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

A time of year again when for one month and one month only the historic streets of Edinburgh are overtaken with artists from every corner of the nation. Oxford, Cambridge and even Durham. It's an incredible month for comedy lovers and we've got some of the world's greatest comedians battling it out for the biggest prize and comedies. Does that make it sound like gladiators? Yes, I love it! Please put your hands together for the Edinburgh Comedy Awards Gala 2026! We're thrilled to be recording this awards gala for Radio 4, the home of audio comedy. This is your ticket to the hottest comedians of the year, as chosen by an expert panel. Over the years, they've picked incredible winners like Rose Matafayo, Frank Skinner, Tim Key,

Amy Gledhill, Sam Nicaresti, and Aywada Bomboye. The awards are, of course, at their heart about being funnier, and what funnier thing is there than to take an arts festival and make it competitive? I'm thrilled to be here. I do talk this fast the whole time, by the way, just so you know, so listen faster. And are we up for comedy? Amazing, okay. I love that.

That was the response of people who are at a seminar. Yes. But what about comedy? Are we up for comedy? Yes. To hear from the nominees for the Taffner Family Best Newcomer Award. It's not exciting. It's their first ever show and they're already nominated.

You have to like them because their peers won't. It's very exciting. Are we ready? Please, would you start the round of applause for the next section? Good woman! Please, give it up! Give me a cheer if you've been to the Edinburgh Fringe before. When money's good to know. Give me a cheer if it's your first time at the Edinburgh Fringe.

Okay, are you loving it? I'm loving it. It's my first time here, like Catherine said, it's my first time doing a show at the Edinburgh Fringe. I love the Edinburgh Fringe. I think it's so glam. I think it's the most glamorous place on planet Earth. It's like Dubai to me.

Cost five grand to get here and it's run on slave labour. Okay. I'm going to address the elephant in the room. I'm sure you've seen the room is flying around about me in the press. I just wanted to say up top, it's true. I am really tanned. Thank you for noticing.

I just got back from holiday. I just got back from Brazil. Two and a half years ago. God, it's amazing. Has anyone been? Yeah, oh, you are rich. Put your hand up? You?

You've been to Brazil? What's your salary? You used to live there. Okay. What, rich parents, is it? Guys, if you're not been to Brazil, it's amazing. The music, the people, you touch down in Rio, you immediately just feel, you know?

You get there, you just feel. Do you know what I mean? You touch down in Brazil, you immediately just feel. The ugliest you've ever felt in your entire life. Have you ever felt like the ugliest person at House Party? Imagine the House Party is 1,500 of the most stacked muscular, roided up gay men you've ever seen shoved onto one square mile beach.

I looked like it was my maker wish to be there. I looked unwell. Have you seen a Brazilian man? If they're carved from marble, I looked like I was moulded from Play-Doh. It was terrible. Standing next to these men, I somehow managed to look like Wallace and Grommet.

Oh. No, I did get committee, though. I felt a little bit insecure when I got to Brazil because the first thing that I saw, I touched down in Rio, driving through the city in an Uber. The first thing that I see is this guy, truly huge guy

with the perfect body it was Christ the Redeemer he looked he looked amazing I'm not the first person to point out that Jesus is shredded but for a guy whose body is made of bread he looks so good he put the work in you know he invented CrossFit

some groans it's electric to me I felt insecure yeah because I saw this it sort of awakened this kind of like latent body dysmorphia inside of me and I don't want to make the show too serious guys if you've never had body dysmorphia, you've got to get it.

You've got to get it. It's amazing. It's the most arrogant mental illness that you can self-diagnose with because what it involves is you, standing in front of a mirror, famously, quite a reflective surface, looking at yourself and going,

God, I look so hideous and disgusting today. But that can't be right. No, that can't be right. No, I can't be having a bad day. It must be in my brain. Must be very mentally unwell, actually. Ah. Sorry, I don't know whether I warn you about this.

This thing might happen in this venue, because I'm the first male stand-up comedian to ever talk about his mental health on stage. Sometimes I will break the glass ceiling. So, I don't know if you know this. If you're a gay man, you have a mental health. Do you have any other gay men in? I feel unsafe.

Radio 4 audience. Surely you could do Julian Clary is here somewhere. That's crazy. There's like 10 men sat in front of me. And statistically, one in every 10! So let's elect a new one. Lock the doors, it's gonna be like the Vatican in here. When white vape smoke leaves this building, we will have our new gay.

If you're a gay man, you have a mental health condition, it's still men's mental health. So I didn't know that. I, no offence, I don't want to share with you. I didn't realize. I thought it was, like, men's mental health. You know what I mean? In 2023, they invented men's mental health. You know, there's men's mental health. You grow a mustache and gaslight your girlfriend, men's mental health. You don't go to therapy, you run the length of Africa, men's mental health. And it's not that I have a problem with men's mental health,

it's like the men's mental health. Because I walked past this men's mental health event. They always give such terrible advice. They're always like, mate, you don't need to go to therapy, you just need to talk to your boys. I can't talk to my boys. I'm sucking off my boys.

Doing it flawlessly. It takes time. I walk past a men's mental health event, and the poster for it was the scariest thing I've ever seen, the seven scariest words I've ever seen. Does anyone know the saddest story ever told in six words? You will know it, it's by Hemingway, it's for sale, baby shoes, never worn. Obviously so sad because the implication that the baby has ugly shoes.

Poor baby, no. She's gonna have to sell them on Deep Hop, no. They're the crocks with heels, ugh. I walked past this men's mental health event. It was the scariest story I've ever seen in seven words. Spoken word, open mic, sponsored by Brew Dog. All of that written across an England flag. Right, my name's Domberg.

and have a wonderful rest of your night, goodbye. Salam alaikum. Thank you for coming to the new to Islam meeting, guys. Wow. Full room tonight. My name is Fatia El-Gauri, and I come from the deep, deep, middle east of London.

Do you know Hackney in London? No, okay. I'm still going to mug you after, anyway. So Hackney used to be. really bad. It used to be like a terrible area. I'm born and raised there. I've been mugged about three times every day when I was 15. I'm telling you, I'll be like, Terry, brov, you just mugged me this morning. What you're doing? Is that old fete, you know how it works around here, isn't it? That's how it is. But now it's proper change. It's so posh. It's all

like Lido's and kaffir and polyamory and all that. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, hello, are you cardboard cutouts? What is going on? Are these people or holograms? So as well as being from East London, I'm also a North African Arab. Do we have any North African Arabs in? No. No, because you're holograms.

That's why. If there was a North African Arab here, I would know, because the hairs on my mustache would go up. Yeah, I would know. But then you go up to them, you go, are you North African Arab? And they go, no, my parents are North African Arab? I'm English.

And I go, what's your name? And they go, Muhammad Abder Rashid bin Salman. I'm like, sorry, what English county is that from? Do you know what I mean? So I'm from Morocco. Has anyone ever been to Morocco? Yeah, my uncle said,

thank you for buying that dodgy rug. I've been trying to sell it for ages. Thank you. Thank you. I've got a big family. I've got five brothers and seven sisters. I know. Guys, come on.

How do you expect us to take over the water? world. Come on, come on. My mum, sometimes after a gig, I'll get like a hundred missed calls off my mum and I start panicking. I'm like, oh God, something's happened. And I ring her back. I'm like, are you okay? And she's like, um, Fetija, you know, uh, in 1992, uh, we had an orange cup. Where is? She rang me once. She goes, Fetija, there is an owl in the cupboard. An owl, you know, an owl, you know, the tweet, tweet, that, an owl. She goes, that's in the cupboard. I said to her, we live in Hackney, not the Himalayas. There ain't her now. Anyway, she kept on ringing me, like, moaning about it.

So I called a wildlife sanctuary to come and check it out. So the geyser comes, he looks in the cupboard, can't hear anything. He's about to leave, and then we hear the noise. And I'm like, oh my God, I feel so bad. I'm like, oh my God, I've been gaslighting her. Like, now I know what it feels like to be a man. Do you know what I mean? And then we hear it again, and then the geyser looks at me and he looks at my mum, and he turns around to and he goes, that sounds like the fire alarm when it runs out of battery. I was so embarrassed.

I was like, I'm sorry, I'm just her carer. I'll tell social services she's declining. Sorry. So, do we have any single people in? Yeah, what's the matter of you? Do you not have any cousins? You look a terrible man. So, if you ask a guy, what are you looking for in a woman?

They'll go, I'm looking for a woman that's fiery, that's going to put me in my place, keep me on my toes, right? And that's all good and well until you key their car, in it? Then they want compensation, police, restraining order. What? What? And it's also the same. If you say, what's your physical type? They go, I don't have physical types.

It's all vibes, yeah? Why are you lying? And I know it's a lie, because I saw this video online, and it was a petite girl when she had three trays of food. And there was all these guys in the comments going, I love a girl that can eat. I love a girl that can eat. So I come in the comments, I'm like,

Yehoo! And they go, not like that. So last thing to tell you before I go, I'm 45 years old, right? And I know I don't look at it. You lot are so rude. Okay? You're rude.

This place is going to be a mosque in an hour. Watch. They'll teach you. So I know I don't look my age. I don't know. I think it's because beige don't age, in it? Do you know what I mean? But honestly, I think it's this hijab as well, yeah? Like, it's like, have you ever seen when a cat gets stuck in a jump

and it tries to force his head out of an arm? Yeah? That's this, man. It holds everything back. 75% of my face is under this hijab. I'm telling you, come on. So listen, you've been all right, but I've got to go because I'm on a curfew. Bye.

He's got him. Hi, I'm Tom, and I'm a maths teacher. Yeah, thank you, thank you guys. We got any teachers in? And that's the end of the summer holidays, guys. Imagine them first week in September. It's going to be tough. No, I'm a teacher, and you know what, guys, I like my job.

I consider myself to be quite fortunate. I work in quite a nice school. It's got windows. The kids are great. I enjoy teaching the kids, but I find the parents quite. annoying yeah as I teach the children of quite pushy parents they're always saying to me who's the best in the class mr. Towling who's the best in the class

who's the best in the class who's the best in the class because they think I'm going to say it's their kid but I never do I say I'm the best I've got a degree your kid's doing year nine maths they're way behind who's the best in the class get out of it I sing songs do you know um Once in Royal David City? There's a banger. Has anyone in here got perfect pitch? Someone over here?

Can you give me a D? Da, thank you. Da, da, da, da. Once in Royal David City stood a lowly cattle shed, Where mother laid her baby in her manger for his bed, Mary was that mother mild, Jesus Christ, her little child.

Da, da, da. stood our lonely cattle shed where in a manger Mary was that mother mild Jesus Christ Her little child It's better in harmony Da da da da

I forgot to record that in Yeah Once in it This will be the same It's about the same It's about the first time I forgot to record that in I also don't know how to turn this off

Once in it It will now be a sound bed for the rest I did know how to turn it off I thank you very much I've been Tom Tallinn Good to be out. Last year, I was on my way to a fancy dress party on the 13th of September 2025. I don't even remember what this day was,

but in London, it was the day of Tommy Robinson's Unite the Kingdom March, right? I didn't know, it was happening, suddenly I'm in fancy dress. Not good, right? And just for context, what this is, I was born in Egypt, and then my parents moved to Cambridge,

which is why I sound like this and why I give off this smart, casual Rishi Sunak vibe, do you know what I mean? Like I'd sort of sell up my own people, that type of vibe. Like a Tory Muslim. Have you seen those on TV? Like the only thing I'd ask my wife to cover up is our financial crimes.

That vibe, right? I'm in this March, right? This March, it was crazy because it was labelled as a sort of white Christian nationalist movement, right? And I always think, what about the non-white Christians? Like my partner, she's Arab Christian. And listen, I say this. And I'm sure this is an educated audience.

No, I'm sure of it. But the amount of people that come up to me afterwards been like, I don't know there are any Middle Eastern Christians and always have to think, well, there was one pretty famous guy. Jesus Christ, we're all on board. No one left behind at this. She's Arab Christian, which was such a tease for my Muslim parents because it's so close to what they wanted.

Because I didn't feel too out of place, you know, because my parents sent me to an intensely Christian school. Me, a little Muslim boy, why? Because it was the best school in the area for grades. Because my parents, they're devout Muslims, they love their religion, but they love success just a little bit more. Their favourite prophet is margins then Muhammad. No, that's the truth. They don't admit it.

But it's weird growing up Egyptian in the UK because everyone learns about the Egyptians for like a couple of years in primary school and then never thinks about us again. We are like the cultural equivalent of playing the recorder. Like that's... And I remember in the ancient Egyptian lessons, The teacher, she would look at me.

She'd been like, Omar, is that right? How am I supposed to know? You didn't ask Fat Ginger James over there? Anything about Henry VIII? Like, why am I being brought into this? The worst part of Christian school was the nativities. They would always give me a non-speaking role, despite the fact I'm the only person who's been to the Middle East.

No, that's disrespectful. Give me one line. This is what they would... Okay, to be fair, I would go off script during the auditions. No, I would go off script because none of the characters in the nativity are represented of the Middle East. I auditioned to be the innkeeper.

Remember the innkeeper, right? You have to be like, there's no room in the inn. But in my head, I'm like, this is a Middle Eastern businessman. There is room in the inn. He just needs a bribe. That's how it works. So when Joseph was like, can we please stay?

I'd be like, for the right bride's Habibi. And they didn't like that. Here's what I'm like that. This is what I got. I got the role of the Three Wise Men's Assistant. It doesn't exist, by the way, if anyone's wandering. I have to carry Jesus' presence. And right, I don't know what you did at your school, but we didn't have any budget.

Everyone had to go and make their own costumes at home. But like I said, I'm from the Middle East. We own a lot of the costumes that are in the Nativity. We wear them on special occasions sometimes. So during the play, the Three Wise Men rock on with like bedchets with holes cut into them, tea towels and elastic band round their head. And then for some reason, their non-smobile. assistant comes on, looking like a Saudi prince.

And everyone was like, what's the budget on the assistant? Is he embezzling money from the wise men? Can we check his tax returns? This March, right, they was obsessed with the idea that the Muslims are gonna convert everyone. They're gonna convert everyone. I looked into this. All right, out of all the different types of white people,

do you know who's converting to Islam the most? The answer is gingers. Now, no, that's on you guys. That can't be awful. I don't know what you guys are doing to the jimps. ginger community, but they are moving over. I knew this one, I knew one ginger guy that converted to Islam. He was hoping that it would reduce the bullying.

Didn't work. He was like, you've all got to call me Abdullah. And everyone's like, no, we're going to call you Eid Sheeran. And that lives with you. I'll leave on this last, last story. Because there's a lot of football hooliganism. It's March, right? And I think football should be for everyone.

I'll tell you my favorite football story. Actually, you know what? I think it's my favorite story from when we first moved to the UK. Because my dad loves football. And growing up, any match my dad couldn't watch live, he'd record it, right? He spent the next day avoiding the news so he wouldn't hear the score. He'll tell people not to tell him anything, one of those dads, right? And he'd come pick me up from school and we'd go watch the match. It's a good system. Until September 10th, 2001, when my dad recorded a match went to work.

spent the next day avoiding the news. And somehow, my dad missed 9-11. Okay? So when my dad came to pick me up from school, one of the other parents was on, did you see what happened? And my dad responded with, Don't!

I'm really excited to watch it back. Me and my son, I'd be looking forward to this all year. We are huge fanatics. And I wasn't going to get a pizza. Guys, I've been Omar Badway. That's my time. Thanks, my chair. That was for best newcomer.

The future is going to be good. Just because I went there, I went to the future. And yeah, I actually only came back today because I had to stop my friend from getting a tattoo of an alien. Just in case it's racist in the future. It is. But yeah, I've done this gig with you already. I've met you so many times.

There's been loads of versions. There's going to be a cough in here in three to. In here in three, two, one. Perfect. Thank you. Anyway, I went to the future and I found out some things. Pasta

is extinct. Babies are fine. They actually learn to talk in the womb now. So when they come out, they start work straight away. It's a big problem. They're stealing all of our jobs, actually.

Dogs are extinct, I'm only messing. They're fine. I'm joking. I'm going to do loads of joking up here now. There's loads now. Donuts. Actually, do you like donuts? You do? So you know what they are?

Yeah, okay. Just recently I met someone who's never heard of donuts. I was like, you know, donuts. They're round, fried good. They've got, like, icing on top, and they just look to me like, I was like, you know, police officers eat them. like in The Simpsons and they just looked at me like I was like you know the Simpsons it's on TV and at that point

their head just snapped back and my sister was like whoa you have to support their head okay any babies in they're all at work back to work put your pleasant's lanyard back on

for guys in back out of here thoughts are extinct like thinking and stuff Because we're one big hive mind now. What are we, one big? His last bit is heavy. David Attenborough dies.

Yeah, I know, I know. At the age of 187. Gone too soon, David. The relief from all of you there. Is that pathetic? Ridiculous? David, thanks for everything. David Attenborough.

Thank you, I'm very much, great. Right, it's time now for the Audible Best Comedy Show. I've got to be honest, guys, this is the biggest prize in comedy. It's like the Booker Prize without the books, the Oscars without the films, or the Nobel Peace Prize. There's no addendum there. It's the exact same as the Nobel Peace Prize. Let's get a taste of the nominees who came so close to the Grand Prize.

Nice to be here. I do have eyes. they're there for the benefit of the listener I do have eyes are just far back they're deep

I have to get my eyes tested by an archaeologist I went for an eye test the optician said can you see the letters I said I can see them perfectly I've got perfect vision he said that's because there's a lens in

and then he flipped a switch and a I couldn't see bloody anything. I was like, this plunker has made me blind. He said you need glasses. In fact, that's not what he said. What he said was, welcome to the world of glasses.

That pissed me off. I'm not wearing glasses. I'm single enough as it is. What? You think I'm going to wear something that makes me uglier, but makes my standards higher? It's not chuffing happening. A lot of things you'd guess about me that are not true.

I've never murdered an animal. I know I look like a deep fried a chihuahua today. I'm always freaking out dog walkers. For the benefit of the listener, I am currently approaching the audience. Quite a disconcerning distance. Also, for the benefit, the gentleman I am here quite near to currently has not laughed once.

And I just want him to know. I'm not above tickling. Now, um... I recently moved to London. I had my phone pinched off me. Guy, and I appreciate that. Guy just came past and he just pinched my phone out my hands. The police, they said, I'm sorry to hear, you had your phone snatched.

He didn't snatch it. He pinched it. because there's a difference. The snatch is like a grab. He didn't grab it. He didn't grab it. He pinched it. It's like a thumb and a finger. He just went in there and he pinched it.

Pinched. Pinched it like it was nothing. He pinched it like he was kidnapping the president of Venezuela. He just went in there. He didn't say anything out loud, but in his head I could tell him and say, he's sorry, my love, I'm pinching that.

It's like he was, taking candy off a baby. It's like he was taking an iPhone 9 off a drunk guy with a coordination disorder. I've got dyspraxia, it's my spatial awareness, my coordination.

My dad, he worries about me in London. He thinks that because of my disability, it'll make me more likely to be a victim of crime. He said to me, after I got my phone, pinched, he said, he said, next phone.

Dan, you need to take a precaution. You need to get the phone on a lanyard. I was like, oh yeah, that'll stop me looking disabled, won't it? A land yard? What, should we get some sunflowers on that lanyard? Shall we, Dad? I'll whack a bit of custard on my shirt whilst we're there, make it easy for them. May as well whack a rainbow one on as well. Let them know it's not any old disabled guy.

It's a disabled puff there, Robin. there Robin, I've not said I'm gay yet. I realize that I am gay. Look, I'll prove it. Yeah. No, I really will prove it. Hello, tickle, tickle, tickle. My partner, a man always is a surprise, and he's going bald and he read somewhere that if you get the lick of a cow on your head, it's supposed to help your hair grow back. And I think in relationships, if you have one person that says something like that, it's very important that the other people. person is like, what are you on about? You mad bastard. Whereas I'm like, let's go to a field and get a cow to lick your head, which we did. And he was straddling this cow. And I think the cows still talk about it. And they're like, do you remember when that guy who was straddling you trying to get you to lick his head, moo? But do you know how difficult it is to get a cow to lick like, right, the top up there. It's actually very difficult. And he was wiggling a bit too much.

He slipped, fell off the cow. On the way down, the cow like licked him. And now he's got a maheican. I'm a little of his face. Me and my partner, we have an odd relationship because he lives in Manchester. I live in Bristol. But I think that's the best way.

A bit distance, you know. And, well, also another issue is he's so messy. He's always got a secret jam that is dropping everywhere. And I thought when I left, he would see the error of his ways and then woo me back with tidiness, but that didn't happen because I went to his and I was about to get in the shower, and I realised there was no hot water, and then I was naked and stood in a little pile of crisps. Why am I, 42, standing a little pile of crisps? I was very annoyed about this, so I checked into a hotel and then it took me two days to

call off, and then he come to visit, and then we went out for food, come back to the hotel, then he's lying on the bed watching telly, and then he's pointed at this stain, and he's gone, you've called me a grubby bastard, but look at that. I said, that is not for me. And then I smelt it, and then I said, that's literally what you've just had for your starters. Right? This man had dropped a whole king prawn

into the crease of his trouser leg, walked it across a canal, up three flights of stairs, and laid it to rest. And when I say canal, I mean, a bridge, you know, not on the prawn's back, going to the travel north. You wouldn't think it from my app, but I actually like to know what I'm doing

And I'm not a fan of change And one time I was dropping a friend home And I was right by her house And she goes, oh actually, can you take me to Sainsbury's? And I said, what? That's not part of my plan. I don't know where Sangebreed is. I haven't allowed for this. And she goes, oh, I'll direct you, but I didn't know that she doesn't drive So she's like pedestrian directed me

And then I was up a footpath and very annoyed Then I finally got to Stainsbury's, a big car park. She fled into the night on all fours, and it was very large, and I couldn't find my way out, because it was like a one-way system, so I had to put Jane on, you know, Jane, the Satnav lady. I always think she sounds like a Jane. So the car's rolling, Jane's there going,

Bair, left. And I've got hearing aid, so this was before I had hearing aid, so I've got my ear to the speaker, and I'm going, What are you saying, Jane? like that. Hit a man. Not Audente. He was in his car.

I got out the car. He looked me up and down and said, very offensive. Then he said, I bet you're not even insured. Don't even know what that means. And then I thought,

it's been cheeky, is here? Then I thought, Harriet, you cannot get angry with him because, well, A, you're just hit him with your car. and B, when you got out the car, you said, what a mistake at a mega, which it was, you know, the whole thing was so awkward, so I offered him a polo,

and then he's gone, uh, he's gone, I know your game, you got them polos on the floor over there. I say, what? So then I've gone in the boot of my car, look for my multi-pack of polos to prove to him that I haven't given him floor polos. Anyway, sorry, the point to this story is that, This has happened four times, right?

They never claim. How good, that? Never. I think they spend a little bit of time with me, and they think she's got enough to be dealing with. Thank you. Thank you for clapping. It's good to give your hands a chance to meet. I live in London. And my flat is badly made.

My bedroom is tilted, huh? The floor is tilted. At an incline, there's an angle, there's a, there's a hill in my room. How's my flat? It isn't. And many Londoners suffer from room-tilt, and every day the king does nothing. And the peak of my room, the zenith, that's where my bed is. And here are the pros and cons, boons and bains. The boon is, when I'm sleeping, I feel safe knowing I'm further from the rising sea levels.

and the bane is I hate hiking to bed and I complain to my landlord he says I have an attitude problem no but now that I'm used to life on the tilt I can only read words in italics which is fine because

those are the important ones you ever get an email with no italics but you don't even mean this if your words are bending from the crushing weight of emphasis. Why speak at all? My whole CVs are Nitalics. Bold and underlined.

Because I really want the job. I wake up and the first thing I hear is my fire alarm asking for new batteries. And honestly, I don't think he deserves it. Because there's never been a fire. So why are you tired? You've not been to work Save me from a fire

Then we'll talk batteries It concerns me that nowadays No one believes the fire alarm You know when it rings Everyone's like, yeah, right Liar, liar, pants are fine It wasn't always like this Remember when we discover fire?

This was pre-pendemic Post-Pangea In some cave Some guy makes fire for the first time. Wow. There must have been another guy who walked in and went, and that second guy was the first fire alarm.

My grandpa used to run a scam. He used to trick fish. He used to take his fingee and put it against the glass of the fish tank. So they would think his food and they'll swim towards him. And he's like, look, Jin Hao, I've conditioned the fish. I'm like, Grandpa, you do this every day. You can't help yourself. You can't help yourself.

Who's being conditioned here? Every time you see a fish tank, you turn your finger into a worm. You think you're Pavlov, but your dog. Oh, thank you for clapping. It's good to give your hands a chance to me. My grandma taught me how to cross the road. She taught me to respect the red man. Some of you're in here tonight don't respect the red man.

On your way here, you saw him, and you crossed. And you crossed. What, you think you're so tough? I bet you don't do that to the green man. I bet none you look at the green man and go, I'm staying still. Okay, basically, every day my life is in the hands of bus drivers. And for once, I want them to know what that's like.

So my ideal audience is made up entirely of bus drivers, and I'll give them bars through stand-up, so I'll do a joke, but halfway through, I'm just going to stop, and I'm just going to walk outside, but you can still see me, and I'll smoke a cigarette. I'll come back. I'll say two more words from the joke.

I leave again, and a different comedian comes back in to finish the joke. Thank you so much. I've been Legion House. Two categories. Let's ripple it up. That's it.

And let's bring it all the way around. And up to the back of the room. Give me a woof if you've got a dog. Give me meow if you've got a cat. Give me a woof and meow if you got both. Don't know why that's funny. Weird, isn't it? So we've got to take the dog out for a walk.

And when you go up for a walk, You meet the different walkers, don't you? All the different types of people. And I think we've all met, fingers crossed, this person. Oh, yeah, ha, ha, ha. And then they've got one of these leads and one of these dogs. And they'll walk around and go,

oh, ha, ha, ha. Come on, Stephen, do your poo. Come on, Stephen, do your poo. Do you have a dog? A cat. I hate cats. No, I hate cats. You've got the cat owners,

and they've got the scratches and the bites on their arms. And they're like, who's done that? and it's Charlie, it's what he does. But if a dog did that, put them down! Do you have a dog? No. A cat? Neither. No, not a cat or a dog.

What you've got is freedom. You do what? We leave what we want. Oh God. Any of you have a dog? Any dogs? Dog, dog, dog, dog. Now that it's just me on the radio, going dog, dog, dog, dog. Luckily, it's the name of the show. Anyone who's got a dog? Give me a hand up. Come on. Don't be scared. It's okay.

No dogs. Come on. You've got a dog? What have you got? Rescue. You've got a rescue. She's got a rescue. It's a lovely smug feeling, isn't it? And what is your rescue called? Mara.

Mara! Does Mara come when you call? Lovely, lovely, lovely. Usually, three poohs. I take up the three bags. In the other day, Stephen, naughty girls, and a fourth poo-poo. And you've got to pick it up, haven't you? You've got to be a nice person.

And I look into my pocket, and I find an empty bag of Malteseers. All right, oh, here we go. I can use that. I pick it up, pick up the poo. Later on, nearly had an accident. And when they do the poo, When they're off lead, you know the poo-poo, and you can see when they're far away,

and they're like, oh, you know the shape of the dog when they're doing the poo-poo. It's a different shape back, isn't it? The wee-wees is a straight back, but when they've got the bent back, you're like, oh, that's a poo-poo. And you run over to where the poo-poo was, don't you? You go, oh, God, where's that poo?

Where's the poo? I'm a little bit colour-blind, and they're brown-on-green, and you're looking, you put the bag on their hand, and then you see it, there's my poo, and you go down, you bend down, pick up the poo, cold poo, Not my poo.

And I've got someone else's pooh in my hand. Then you see it, like they get, None of poopo, it's cold and not my poo! Eventually you see it, don't you? And you pick it up, and you've got the bag. And it's horrible, isn't it? You've got one in a bag. It's horrible.

It's horrible, even me holding it, and you know it's real. So you're walking around now with this poo and all you want to do is put the poo in somebody else's bin. You know, curtain shut, blacktop bin, Bosch, off we go. But when you see someone with a poo walking like that, you know, they're a good person, don't you? You know that they're part of society, they look after it, they care about other people.

They stood walking around with the poo-poo. But if that same person with the poo-poo starts doing this and starts flinging around, like a weapon or a lasso, look out, you know what I mean? That's a weapon, isn't it? In ranking terms, gum, knife, bag of poo-poo.

And then below that, taser, and then strongly worded email. Come on, there with poop. I don't speak like that, normally I'll speak like this. Thank you very much, see you later, bye bye. Bye. I love dogs, I'm not so sure about dog people. Sorry to say that, only because I was at a friend's house recently

and she had a new little male dog and we were chatting away, making full eye contact, and he kept humping her leg. And I was like, oh, I wonder if you'll break eye contact, I wish you would. And the only way I can describe to you, her behaviour while he humped her leg, was that she was, and I'm sorry to say this, coy. She kept being like, oh, I never feel like she was saying never. It felt like later I didn't like it

Now the moment of truth It's time to hear from this year's winner for Best Show This is massive It's the biggest prize in comedy It's my pleasure to bring you your winner for Best Show, 26 Please welcome the wonderful Chris Cat Thank you for coming, guys

Can you give me a cheer if you believe in the supernatural Yes Three of you, I've got a lot of sceptics Now I've got something terrible to tell you when I'm not doing this I investigate the paranormal thank you now you're getting it and recently I got called to

the exorcism of a young lady who by all accounts had been possessed by the devil oh thank you it gets worse I knew that something was wrong as soon as I got there because when I went in the house I could see with my eyes that all the picture frames

were upside down and as you guys know traditionally they're not it gets worse went upstairs and there she was attic bedroom flying around vomiting everywhere

do you know what I mean and her head turned towards me she stopped two foot flying off the ground a head turned towards me and she said your mother sucks corks I'm so sorry you're good people but This is true. This happened to me.

She said, your mother sucks cocks in hell. And I said, whoa, honey. It's pronounced hull. He's just off the M62. And she got the joke and we've been going out for 12 years in May. I'm not here for long. My name's Chris here in the headlines. I'm 42 years old.

So I am, I would say, newly middle-aged. But I prefer the term recently young. And by that, I mean, I think I'm still young enough to know what the cool music is. You know what I mean? But at any given moment, me or one of my friends from school are waiting on the results of a scam. I think if I had a catchphrase, it would be, oh, we could just pay for what we ordered.

Say that one all the time. And if you don't like me, that's fine. But you have to be kind to me because my head's all over the place. Because recently, I have been diagnosed with ADHD by an audience member in York. Very polite people. Are we having a good time? Okay, remember that. So I'm just going to round out my set.

This is an insane way to close it off, but I need to talk about something because I've had a traumatic time. I've had a vasectomy. I mean, I'm looking at this crowd. It might be one or two in, but it's... Has anyone else, is there any of a vasecta bros in? One sad man at the back. I've got to tell you about it.

It's horrible this, but I know, I think you guys probably know what a vasectomy is, yes? Okay, well, I'm going to tell you what it smells like. I'm not, it's not that bad, but it's not fun either. I went in, I went to her, I didn't want to have a vasectomy. That's important to know. I didn't want to have it done. But then my wife, Nicola, she sat.

me down and she explained it from her point of view. And that was that if I didn't get it done, she would stop paying for everything. So off I went to the surgery with my brand new Clark's trainers. I met a doctor, two people, posh, southern doctor, not my cup of tea, and a lady called Brenda. And now I'm saying it out loud, I don't think anybody explained who Brenda is or why she was there. But she was smiling And it was, you know, like

She was a bit older So I thought maybe it's care in the community She hadn't seen enough Have at it, Brenda I went in This is the rough bit I'll get through it as quickly as possible But I went in it

Injection and Novica Into the testicle area Which is, that's no fun That's no fun But it starts And then there's a slice I'm sorry There's a slice

And then the doctor's working away inside, you know. Yeah, it's horrible. But I had to sign a waiver as well so that I could be part of a pilot scheme to listen to my own music. Do you know what I mean? I thought, great. But all it's done is ruin my relationship

with tub thumping by Tumba Wumba. So he did that, it did the size. And then there was this horrible noise that I'll never forget. It's like, eh, eh, and you're like, what's that? It's a laser. And it's blasting the inside of me. You know what I mean?

It's basically, it's blasting my inner tubes. It's sealing them over. It's essentially cooking them. And honestly, there's this smell. And the minute it touches your nostrils, you think, you know what? I haven't had a proper bust in ages. And then there was this other noise as well, like a ch-ch.

And you're like, what's that? It's just Brenda. She's taking a few photos. I'd be Chris Cantrell. Goodbye. That's the end of our show. Thank you so much for listening. And to all the acts nominated. A massive congratulations again to our winners. Congratulations too to all of the nominees.

You are the only people at this festival who will be able to explain to their families what the hell they've been up to for all of August. Some of these guys are their children of home. I'm off to the Pleasance Courtyard. Those £8 pints won't overspend on themselves. Goodbye. The Edinburgh Comedy Awards Gala, 2026,

was hosted by me, Catherine Bowhart. The acts you heard from were Omar Badawee, Chris Cantrell, Harriet Dyer, Fatie L, Gawry, Marty Gleason, Gin Howe, Don McGovern, Spencer Jones, Dan Tiern and Tom Towling. Additional material was written by Angela Channel. The producer was Georgia Keating and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Hi, I'm Kiri Pritchin-McLean. Best Medicine is back.

We effectively reprogram bacteria. So this all happens in your lab, is that correct? Yeah, my lab in Edinburgh called the Wallace Lab. Wallace Lab. I bet the Gromit Lab does all the real work. Each week, a load of top doctors, scientists, experts and comedians try to convince me what's the best medicine. I'm a big believer in fighting. I think the best medicine is something called a free flap.

Free flaps, not just my nickname in Freshers' Week. Gene therapy for Huntington's disease. We've just found out why I went first. It's the antidote to doom and gloom. Today is the best day to be alive, and tomorrow's going to be even better. We can accomplish things that were previously impossible. We've done like three series of this show now, and I don't throw this around, but I think this could be as good as Barocca.

Best Medicine. Listen first on BBC Sounds.