Comedy of the Week - Emer Maguire: Patron Saint of Bad Luck

Episode Date: May 11, 2026

A year ago, Emer Maguire had it all. Now she’s sleeping on the floor of her brother’s student flat in a shady part of Belfast – no girlfriend, no home, no hope. Where did it all go wrong? How did she end up all alone, broken hearted and with only an assistance dog called Dougal for company? Is she the Patron Saint of Bad Luck?Comedian Emer Maguire recalls how the worst year of her life - including messy break-up, serious medical issues and not one, but two life-changing diagnoses – put her on the path to living her best life. Told with her trademark honesty and songwriting brilliance, Emer’s tale is both heartfelt and uplifting, a laugh-out-loud rollercoaster journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance.One of Northern Ireland’s most exciting comedic voices, Emer Maguire (who was dubbed by one critic as the “indie Victoria Wood”) is a double Irish IMRO award-winning presenter and four times TEDx speaker.Written and performed by Emer Maguire Produced by Anna Hinds Executive Producer: Keith Martin Sound: David WalkerA FABEL radio production for BBC Radio 4

It could only be me who would have this year from hell. And when you think it can't get worse, the universe as well. And so I lose the girlfriend that along with her our home and all familiarity that I have ever known, along with the autism, they give me a dog to help. And it would turn out he has got more issues than myself. Together we must learn to cope, but I do have my doubts. How can we when he's too scared to leave the bloody house?

It could only be me Patron's sane of bad luck Don't give a master of a mishap See, all this life is just a trap It could only be me I come from a small town called Straban In the north of Ireland We did win a prize recently in a UK ranking

Thank you We were named the third worst place to live in the UK but as my maths says, they're all just jealous. In Strabam, we don't really identify as being part of the UK. So, so the jokes on that. Thank you. That was good. More of that. But I'm not here to talk about any of that today. I've had one hell of a year, folks.

And if I didn't know any better, I would swear that I was cursed. And my granny was so worried about me that she told me to light a candle, to get rid of the bad look and my dog knocked it over and set the carpet light and so I kicked the year off in absolute style at the psychiatrist's office

and for context people have said to me for years really jokingly you're so autistic and I well I thought they were joking and people would stay behind after my comedy shows and they'd say things to me

like oh my weekers autistic too and I'd be like as well as who. What a year? And after this lifetime of untaken hints, my friend finally said to me, I cannot keep it in it anymore. I have to tell you,

I think you're autistic. And I said, well, sure, what would you know about it? This friend is an autism specialist and owns an autism clinic. But that's beside the point. So I extremely reluctantly went for an assessment

with the sole aim of proving my friend wrong. I was diagnosed with not only debilitating OCD and obesity but also a hefty it's kind of hurtful that just laughed at this.

This is radio I was kind of trying to keep the illusion that was quite athletic. I was diagnosed with debilitating OCD and a hefty side of the tism of autism. And to say that I was shocked was an understatement and I told the clinicians that they were wrong and one of the clinicians

said, well, you didn't engage in any social chit-chat. And I responded and said, that's because your chit-chat revolved around the impact of coffee on your bowels. And I found that revolting. And by extension, I found you revolting. And there was a couple of moments of silence. And then I said, I know, you might have a point. And it answered a lot of questions for me.

It answered things like why I find life so overwhelming at times or why I've been able to write songs since the age of five, but I still have yet to master tie my shoelaces, or why I spent my childhood vomiting at the prospect of eating potatoes. Very rare for somebody Irish. But I also suffered from a condition called PICA. Do you know what Pika is? So it's where you eat non-food items.

So instead of eating potatoes and chicken nuggets, my preferred diet was like cigarette butts or like my mum's favourite ornaments. Now, to be fair, there have always been signs, right? People would always have said to me growing up, you're a wee bit corky. And I knew they meant weird, right? And I'd be like, you're a wee bit rude.

People say to me all the time, how did your parents not know you were autistic? Look at you. And they did notice clearly. But back then, lots of people didn't know girls could be autistic. I didn't know I was either. I mean, I knew I wasn't, let's say, typical. And I actually attributed any and all hardships and difficulties

I had to the fact that I was a middle child. Me and my brother were both joint middle children, so we were hated equally. I've written this as a theme song to rise against the injustices that middle children have faced. Always being this pale, you know, from standing in my... sibling's shadow and even the outfits this is my dad's hand me downs you know this is and even

in the car like I thought middle child referred to the seat in which you sat I thought it meant you sat in the middle seat that's how literal I was and there were four of us and we didn't all fit in the back of the car so our parents started to rotate us in and out of the boot that was quite an uncomfortable place for me to be with my dad being a funeral director it was Very awkward. This is Middle Child. Middle Child, if every time your mother smiled around you, you both knew, she was thinking about the other two. You know that you're the middle child, if when your family all played hide and seek, it

was a week before they noticed you were gone at all. You know that you're the middle child, if every time your dad called your knee him without shame it's a Catherine, Mary, Conner, Sean, Sarah, Susan, Kira, John, Mary, Joseph Toto Ben, watch your name again. Middle children full of crippling, self-died and jealous rage. Middle children unfairly disliked because of birth order and age and we'll never understand why we're vilified till we have our own kids and we hate our own middle child. the year went on and I was trying to get my head around my autism and OCD diagnoses.

The universe decided to throw a couple of physical challenges my way. So first of all, I dislocated my shoulder out through my back, right? I didn't know what was the thing, and I have a master's degree in clinical anatomy. From a medical school, and I didn't know it was the thing. So I went to the hospital, and the doctor was like, this is a very rare type of dislocation. I was like, you're telling me. And he said, I've only really seen it in cases of,

electricution. And he says, how did it happen? And I told him how it happened. It happened when I was putting on my coat, right? Putting on my coat and I was like, out through the back. Next thing I know, I was high as a kite.

I was being held down by so many staff members and having my shoulder put back into place. Right? I know. It was awful. And naturally, I was a wee bit down in the dumps about this, you know, being a musician, couldn't play guitar, couldn't do anything. So a distraction came in the form of my best friend's birthday trip, right? And I was elated, so it was me and a big group of girls.

We went to a very fancy spa hotel for the weekend. I had to remorget the house to be able to go. And we spent the majority of the time in the hot tub. Late during the night, in very kind of blurred vision, I saw a sign on the side of the hot tub that said, do not exceed 30 minutes. And I was like, but what do you think that means? And at that point, I had been in the hot tub

for seven hours straight. I was going to sleep there for the night. I just thought... And I started to feel a wee bit ill. I assumed it was just like the sight of all my mates in their swimwear, right? But I started to feel a wee bit sick. But I thought, drink up, party on, right?

Eventually we had to leave the hot tub because Lauren's fectanel melted off and blocked the filter. So we had to get out. Anyway. I stalled it. I went home and I stalled it and I thought he was hung over. And on Monday morning I was coughing up red after shock, right? And I, after a while, realized, oh, Jesus, that's blood. It's not red after shock at all. I was coughing up blood.

I went to see my GP and they sent me to the hospital. And I had all these tests and all these scans. And a very serious looking doctor came in and told me in a very serious voice that I had a pulmonary ambulism, which is like a clot in your lungs. and the doctor said to me for one and three people the first symptom is death and I was like

what do you say to that I was like cool I felt weirdly smug God forgive me but I did but near death experiences don't get much sympathy in my house because of my dad's job and I I text my siblings

to inform them of my upcoming death and I I was supposed to have a show in my hometown that weekend one of my brothers replied and he said oh my god that's mad on Saturday we could either be at your show or at your funeral and I could see he was still typing and he typed again and said either way I'll be having drinks

right? I thought fair enough I text back and says look could somebody buy the remaining tickets for the show because it's going to look better on the front page of the strabant Chronicle. If it says, Strabant Star dies ahead of Sold Out show instead of like half-filled show.

And my sister replied and she said that she would but she said could you hold off dying until Thursday because that's when I get paid? And my youngest brother, he didn't reply at all. So, of course pulmonary ambulisms are extremely serious but humorous how I cope with serious. And when I was in the hospital, I kept waiting for that moment. You know, people say,

my life flashed before my eyes. Instead, I was thinking, oh, Jesus, I hope nobody finds that secret snag drawer work that I hover. It's full of monster munch and crunchy rappers. And I just kept thinking those kind of things. So I started to think, what would it be like

if I actually died, right? And here are all the thoughts across my mind. I wrote this in the hospital at 3 o'clock in the morning. The other patients were fuming. They were... If I died, would anyone know how to dress me for the wake? I'll make a list of all my favorite clothes, so there'll be no mistake.

And would my colleagues realize the work I left behind was subpar? And on CCTV, they'd see it was me who dented the boss's car. And if I died tomorrow, would my friends be full of sorrow? Would my mother realize once and for all I was a favorite child? And would my daddy cry, but see there's something in his eye and would one of my siblings please delete my brising histories? But most of all, don't be sad because I've had a ball. If I died, would strangers cry and tell everyone we were friends,

even though we'd never met, but I guess, everyone pretends and if I died I wonder what photo the media would use to tell the masses I had passed on the nightly evening news would it be flattering or fattening the camera eyes tan pine hear the people say look at that we fight hey no wonder she's in the grind if I died this evening any meaning I hope people say I was kind and some would say I made them laugh And maybe they'd name the half and half At the local Chinese after me

A sign of respect and memory And after all, don't be sad, have an ember chicken ball Trying to lift my spirits I decided I needed a break And my mum's 60th birthday was coming up So I decided to take her to London to see sister act Any musical ability I got I got it from my mum

My mum was actually quite a well-known singer. Herself, she's currently appearing in Straband Sunday Mass every week. And she's third alto. Sometimes of Claire's sick, she's bumped up to second. She's a big, she can't have a big deal. So, I'm so proud. Little did I know, my bad luck was starting to rub off on other people. So we were in London and we decided to stop at Pizza Express for a wee bit of lunch. And for the first time the whole trip, my mum says to me, Amor, do you know what, I'm going to pay for this?

And I thought, Jesus, that's very good of you. I've paid for the flights, the accommodation, the tickets to the show. Transport, everything you've put in your mouth since you got here. But do you pay for the two for one pizza special at lunchtime? That'll be very good. So my mum was halfway through her pizza and she says to me, I feel a wee bit faint. And I thought, right, going to pay for it, my arse, right?

Please bear in mind this is 100% true story, every word of it. Next thing I know, my ma collapsed. The woman at the table next to us leaned over and said, is she dead? Right? I thought Jesus Christ, hope not how much rain air going to charge me to bring her on board with a body bag? I was like, if she's dead, she's your problem, she's staying here.

So I was mortified, I was really embarrassed. I was like, could I, my autism kicked in full flight. I was like, could I just step over her and leave? We've had a nice time. We've seen the show. So somebody rang an ambulance, right? I'm holding my mother's unconscious body. The waitress comes over and says to me,

do you want to bring the rest of that pizza with you? How inappropriate? Like, what a ridiculous question? I was like, course I do you box it up. A few extra garlic dips. My man's not going to need it. Me and my man, the pizza went out to the ambulance, right? And we were brought off.

We were brought away to this very fantastic. see London hospitals, class. It was way nice to do than our Airbnb. I loved it. And my mum was rushed and have all these scans. And the doctor came in this and says, our bowels in the wrong place. And I was like, what do you mean?

Did we leave it on PC Express? What do you mean? And he said, it's nearly in her throat. Right. And he showed me a picture. And I panicked. I panic when I feel awkward. So I said, is that why she talks so much shit? Right.

My mother nearly died laughing. My mother nearly died. But she, she nearly die laughing. So the doctor says, look, in addition to her bowel being misplaced, she also had a deflated bladder and she also had a deflated lung.

He says, even her heart is in the wrong place. And I said, Doctor, I knew that already. She's grand. She's just a wee bit like Picasso. Right? And the doctor says, we've never seen anything like it. And I was like, have you ever seen anybody dislocate the shoulder?

right through their back. We're both medical marvels. Incredible. So they tried to figure out how everything was in the wrong place. And they said it usually only happens if there is severe trauma to the body, like a bad car accident. I says, my man has been no accidents. And they said,

well, you know, it can also happen if someone has fallen out of a plane and been totally twisted and turned the whole way down until everything ends up in the wrong place. I says, Mom, have you fallen out of a plane recently? And no, she said, no, I don't think so.

So the doctor left and came back and said, Do you do any extreme sports? Right? She sat up in the bed like Lazarus. And she says, well doctor, sometimes I do the Zumba. Right? She's no what Zimbab is. Are there any extreme sports you do? Anything that really pushes your body to the limits?

anything unshife. Yes, doctor sometimes I do the Zumba. Last Thursday, I even tried the Rumba. My friend Teresa brought me to her aqua fit class. I turned the pool to a jacuzzi with my chronic gas

I've even done aerobics in an armchair. Even though my legs are working, that's neither here nor there. I've even leaned into the world of yoga. I do some jazzercise. Oh, you should see my fire. On Friday nights I do pillow palates

On sweaty foam mats with my fellow fatis Some Saturdays I even walk the park run And celebrate my fitness with that big cream bun I've even dabbled in the art of Tai Chi But I had to give up as I hurt my good knee So took up gardening with such a vigor There is no sport more extreme or bigger bigger than a mother on a mission who is weeding with ambition in her hand she has her trial

wiping her sweat with the towel upon her kneeling mat the thing by now is almost flat you want to talk extreme doctor you were saying after i got my mother home in one piece very mixed up piece um i thought surely things can only get better can only get better from here i was wrong i was incorrect. It turns out that not everybody's into like a combination of physical illness and autism and OCD and general bad luck all wrapped up in one kind of hapless albeit

extremely attractive individual and so my girlfriend of 11 years broke up with me right? I know you didn't seem that sad that that felt like the kind of awe that meant that you can see your point

I did not see it coming which ironically is a trait of autism. She told me years ago when we were young and we were in love that would be together forever. So I took that literally. I thought that meant that was it. But to be honest, I couldn't even blame her.

There's only so much a partner I can deal with. And the only glimmer of hope for me for the future was the fact that I got our dog, Alby. And I think she was relieved because I'm pretty sure Alby has a personality disorder. But I love him.

But I could not find anywhere to live with a tiny psychopathic dog in tow. So my younger brother finally suggested I move into a student house with him and our cousin under what I can only imagine was significant duress from my mother, right? But me and my dog settled into our box room surrounded by other people's belongings on a mattress on the floor. There was something very kind of uniquely humbling about being 30,

nearly diagnosed as autistic, recovering from a pulmonary ambulism, and falling asleep beside a kind of big pile of mismatched socks in the traffic cone, right? It was very traumatic. After a couple of months of moping, my mom gave me some fantastic, wonderful, sensitive motherly advice, right? She was like, it's been two months. Time to get over it now. So I did my best.

And I hadn't told anyone at that point in my family that I had been diagnosed with autism. And one that, I don't know why, I was. I was embarrassed. I didn't know how they would take it. And one night sitting quietly watching TV with my cousin that lived with, she said to me, can I ask you something?

And whenever I says, yeah, yeah, of course. She said very kindly, are you autistic? And there were no jokes and there was no making fun of me. She was just kind of genuinely caring and intrigued. And I nearly lied and then I thought, sure, what's the worst that can happen? And I just said,

yes. And the world didn't end. She just smiled at me and she says, yeah, I thought so. And she kept watching TV. And I thought, Jesus, that was all right. As you know, it was me, her and my brother living together. So that night I texted him, he was in his room and I was in mine. And I had said to him, you know, I've been for an assessment. And I was autistic. They diagnosed me.

And he came into my room and hugged me. And I felt really accepted and really loved. As he was hugging me, he was like, please let me. tell mommy. Typical gay living for the drama. He's like, things. So

things started to get better and I realized that in my relationship I had kind of tried my best to hide all of my autistic traits because I kind of saw them as flaws and I was embarrassed by them and I had started to think that maybe I'd kind of got it all wrong

and I wasn't as unlucky as I'd thought and I thought maybe I'm actually quite lucky to have figured out who I was and to have people around me who kind of just accepted that as well. So I finally accepted that it was autistic and that my goal is not to kind of fix myself because I'm not broken.

And a few months later, me and my brother bought two houses next door to each other, literally attached, which is really, really nice. And the cousin came with us and moved in with me and my psychotic little dog and life was improving

and then I met Dugel who is my autism assistance dog, Dugel Maguire no relation to the priest didn't have a name he was a rescue and he's just called dog and my mum was like I what about Dugel like the magic roundabout and I was like

I don't know what that is but I like that name and then I was in the vet one time and they used you know they used the dog's full name and they were like is Dugle McGuire here and I was like you are kidding me and now people keep saying oh, you must be a big fan of fathered head. Actually, it wasn't keen on it, you know, but...

So Dougal is a huge, loving, overly affectionate poodle. Whenever I have him by my side, I feel like I can take on the world. And the only slight issue is that recently I had to take Dougal to the vet, and he was diagnosed with anxiety. It's not all bad. We're on the same anxiety medication, which is kind of useful, but sometimes I can't tell who's supporting who. But after I got Dougal, my brother decided he wanted a bit more company as well.

So he got himself a roommate. And in the plot twist of the century, myself and the roommate fell in love. So I literally fell for the girl next door. And so did she, actually. And Dougal has also fallen head over heels for her husky. So things are really looking up. So I always thought I was the patron saint of bad luck. And maybe I am, but I feel like bad luck kind of breeds resilience.

and I didn't know that I had that in me. So I want to say thank you for joining me through my year of my year where I thought I had a lot of bad luck, but it actually turned into the best year of my life. Yes, I may look odd when at times I tick or twitch if I'd a pound for every time. Someone called me quirky, I'd be rich,

but I'm focused and I'm factual and I've got perfect pitch, so there's nothing now which I'd shop or change or a switch. And I might be pedantic, and maybe I can be blunt, But that's just cause I'm autistic, not because I am a callous, somewhat viewless person who is rude. I'm not trying to make a fuss about my clothes, my rules, my food.

Oh, I'm just a different... That's okay. And I'm not like your best friend's nephew, he's autistic to you. And he screams when you go near him And so that's the only view That you have of us all And you didn't even know adults and girls could have it too And I watch your mind explode

But you seem kind of normal You say quite confused Oh thanks awfully I reply You seem kind of normal too But autism's not limited to little white boys with a strong preference for order and train themed toys. I do like trains but that's a coincidence. Oh, I'm perfect too.

I have a tattoo of one. It's just a different part of me. Maybe I'm not. But that's okay. I'm me. That's cool. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Amor McGuire, Pitch and St. Bad Luck, was written and performed by Amor McGuire. Produced by Anna Hines, it is a fabled radio production for BBC Radio 4. Hello, wicked vundekins and degenerate do-gooders. It's Russell Kane here, host of Evil Genius, the show that takes famous faces from history and knocks them off their high horse

by revealing three unfortunate facts about their life. We shine a UV torch on the hidden evidence, then present our findings to a jury of three comedians who will decide, evil or genius. Join us as we rifle through the drawers of history, then make a mess on the carpet. Listen to Evil Genius First on BBC Sounds.