Comedy of the Week - Follow The Rabbit

Episode Date: September 23, 2024

Follow the Rabbit is a new comedy series following Chris Relish, an amateur paranormal investigator and podcast maker who is on a mission to prove the existence of supernatural forces after claiming he's had a romantic experience with a ghost.In his new case, Chris strays from the ethereal path in search of extra-terrestrial life. Local farmer Robert tells Chris the story of his very unusual encounter with an alien. He says a silver craft got too close to his farm and an alien fell out of it into the field below. Robert claims this experience revealed the reason why aliens visit Earth. It's not to study us or harvest us for food... it's because they fancy humans.Cast Chris Relish: Tom Lawrinson Robert: Steve Brody Kathleen Relish: Jo Enright Marco: Owen Cooper Dog Woman: Chelsea HalfpennyWritten and produced by James BoughenExecutive Producers: Simon Mayhew Archer and Michelle Farr-ScottOriginal music by Sam O'Leary and Jacob HowardA Motif Pictures production for BBC Radio 4

BBC Sounds music radio podcast. Hello, I'm Chris Relish and this is Follow the Rabbit. The paranormal podcast following my quest to find proof of otherworldly beings. That's anything that falls under the paranormal umbrella. So ghosts, ghouls, other types of ghosts, aliens, goblins I suppose, anything in that area really. Just to be clear, there's not actually a rabbit hole, or any rabbits.

That's just a saying isn't it? You follow the rabbit down the rabbit hole and it leads you to bizarre and wonderful situations. If you look online you can find proof that aliens come to our planet in little crafts. But who's inside these little crafts? Do they have skinny bodies and massive heads? Do they wear clothes? But more importantly, what do they want from

us? All I know for certain as I stand in my front garden and look into the clear night sky is that we're not alone in this universe, but the real question is, who else is out there? It's just me love, I'm just putting out the bins. Now I'm aware aliens aren't ghosts, but as mentioned about 40 seconds ago, they are paranormal and as I've not had much luck with the ethereal stuff so far, today I stray from the ghost path in search of alien life. If I can get physical evidence of an alien, like a finger or a leg or something, then

people will finally see the paranormal is real and I'm not lying about smooching one. I've just arrived at the farm owned by Robert, the man who tells me he not only saw an alien, but knows the reason they come to earth in the first place. Let's go hear his story. Well, that's my fleece ruined. Microphone's caked in mud as well. I'm Chris Relish, body that came from the sky. Hello? Robert?

Hello. Do you know your front door was open? Were you born in a barn or something? I was actually. Alright, I'll let you off then. Robert is a very dull man. He's in his mid-60s and looks like a child's drawing of a farm. You born in a barn or something? I was actually. Alright, I'll let you off then. Robert is a very dull man. He's in his mid-60s and looks like a child's drawing of a farmer.

But a drawing done by a child that's even worse at drawing than you'd expect. You can tell Robert's a farmer because he smells like a combination of cow, sheep and chicken muck and he lives and works on a farm. Which is the main giveaway really. So Robert, what made you want to get into farming? Well I grew up on a farm so I already had experience with sheep and cows. Did you hear about them cows that blew up a shed? No. What cows?

So on this farm in Germany or somewhere, there was so much methane seeping out of the cows that their little shed exploded, the roof blew off and one of the cows hurt its back. Has that ever happened to you? No. Has anything crazy ever happened to your cows? Well, one time one of them went in the side gate instead of the front. That's not a good story, Robert. I meant something mental like one of them driving a tractor or kicking a rambler's head off. Thankfully, Robert's encounter is about more than just extremely boring farm anecdotes and a

disappointing lack of exploding sheds. He tells me that one summer evening, when alone in his field, he experienced something strange. It was about 10 o'clock, or was it 9.45? No, probably closer to 9.50. It literally doesn't matter. I was just finishing up for the day when I saw a flash of light. What Robert saw next was terrifying. As I approached, I noticed something in the sky, a silver craft hovering 20 to 22 feet

in the air. Then it just disappeared. As the craft vanished something fell out of it into the field below. I walked over and that's when I saw it. A grey, scrawny body. It was alive. But what was it? Perhaps a malnourished shaven deer? And if so, who'd take the time to shave a deer? And for what purpose? And why would you even drop a shaved deer from that sort of height into a field?

Some kind of prank? If so, that seems like a lot of effort for something that's only moderately funny. But no, it was no shaven deer, it was something much weirder. As I approached, it stood up this thing. On two legs it was about seven feet tall with large glowing white eyes and a waistcoat. Ah, so they do wear clothes. It communicated with me, not with words but with its mind and also some words. Were you scared?

No, naturally I thought about caving its head in with my shovel but I felt strangely comforted like a baby being gently bathed by a loving parent. Somehow I understood that although it was from another planet it meant no harm. We've all heard the stories and seen the films, aliens coming to earth to wipe out the human race, to study us, to harvest us for food, to hide in a 10 year old kid's bedroom, reviving dead plants with its massive glowing finger, then making loads of bikes fly. But what Robert discovered that night changes everything we thought we knew about extraterrestrial beings and why they visit our planet.

Aliens come to our planet not to hurt us, but because they're attracted to us. They fancy us? I suppose some of them do, yeah. Aliens get close so they can have a good look at us when they pleasure themselves. That's why there are so many recorded sightings. Usually they do their business then leave, but this one accidentally fell out and got left behind and it wanted me. This is what I've been saying!

It's exactly what happened to me. So what happened next? I, uh, I offered to help it. Help it get back to its craft, yeah? No, uh, help it. You mean like, give it a hand? Yeah, well, you know, it must have been frustrating. God knows I know what that's like. It's been many a year since I've felt the sensual touch of a woman.

Alright, I don't need to know all that Robert, yeah? Come on, stick to the story, come on. We had an intense moment together. When it was over, there was another great flash and it was gone into the night. Strangely, I had a complete understanding of this alien language, I was fluent. Tell me, son, what's alien for farm? Skrip.

What about what's alien for hat? Skript. Oh, similar, interesting. Now, don't get me wrong, I believe you, Robert. What's your name? Scrup. What about, what's alien for hat? Scrip. Oh, similar, interesting. Now don't get me wrong, I believe you Robert, I've touched the paranormal as well, but it's going to be hard to get other people to believe that you've done something sexual with an alien unless we can prove it. That's what everyone keeps saying to me, that without proof I'm a liar and I'm pretending I did it with an entity and need to grow up, which is why I'm doing this podcast, to get

that proof. Well, it did leave something behind. This was on my leg. Oh my God. What is that? I'm not sure. Ectoplasm? What is it in an egg box?

It's all I had, sorry. No, this is good. Disgusting, but good. This could be the physical proof I need. Alien gunk. I need to get it tested. It smells like cress. Proving the existence of aliens is no easy task. Not long ago they thought they'd found a little mummified alien man in Peru, but it turned out to be a

wasps nest on top of a hockey bag with the face drawn on it. These annoying fakes undermine the work of serious paranormal investigators like myself, but in my possession now is some alien slime that feels a bit like that cheap peanut butter made for pets. I'm sitting at my kitchen table awaiting the results of a test which is going to determine which species this gloop is from. Hi love, what have you got there? An egg box. What is it in it? Is it eggs?

No it's not eggs, it's something I got from a farmer. Well does the farmer sell eggs? I dunno, I imagine so, he's got hens. Would you think now the eggs sometimes have feathers on them? Probably. Forget that then. You don't want any egg boxes off him anyway, believe me, he keeps alien secretions in them. Well, you know how I can channel ghosts.

No. Yes, well now I was also abducted by aliens the once, they had me in their craft, you should be interviewing me about that. You weren't abducted, you fell asleep in a tanning bed, had a panic attack, and the man who kicked the door in to rescue you had a weird shaped head. Anyway, I'm going to need the kitchen table in one minute. Why? Lisa has been selling clothes for dogs on Facebook, so I'm going to go one step further. I'm going to bring her down. Go on. How?

Well, you know how James Bond puts a silencer on his gun so he can shoot people without being hurt. Mum, you can't shoot Lisa. Don't be daft if I'm not going to shoot Lisa. I'm making my own dog product that's going to blow hers out of the water. You attach the silencer to your dog's snout and when it barks, you won't hear anything.

That is such an incredible waste of your time. Anyway, I'm in the middle of doing a test on alien goo. Can you get out? Okay, there's about 30 seconds left of this test. We're about to find out if this is alien DNA. It was really hard to order this test actually. Got one off the dark web. Let me tell you, that is not a place you want to be browsing around.

I very nearly accidentally ordered a hitman and a notebook made from human skin. Right, let's have a look. Okay, so it says, one red line means the test is inconclusive. They don't even recognise the species, surely? Yes! That obviously means it's from an alien! I'm driving back to Robert's farm now to deliver the good news about his Repugnant sample with a quick pizza drop en route.

Two sec. There you go. 16 inch anchovia melon. Thanks a lot. Sorry about the barking. I really wish there was some kind of silencer for dogs. Robert, now I've confirmed the odious sample you gave me isn't human or animal. I think we can feel confident about it being alien fluid. I did wonder if you'd extracted it from a bull and accidentally got some on your leg But this has put my mind at ease. I wouldn't do that No, I'm off a pleasure don't farmers have to milk bulls and collect the stuff in a rubber tube

Helen skeleton did our morning life. Oh, yes, I do that. I don't use my hand or his memories three feet long I use a frame covered in cowl skin and the bull mounts it Do you know when I asked you to tell me the most exciting thing that's happened on your farm? A bull with a three foot willy mounted in a metal cowl would have been perfect. Can I have my stuff back? What? Oh yeah, it's in this pot here. Look, I think we need to try and lure this alien back. I think our best bet is to try and recreate everything exactly as you did that night.

So, how did it begin? Well, let me think. I was trying to find my ex-wife's new lover on Instagram. Pascal, he's called. Did you find him? Yeah. Let's see. Oh yeah, he is quite handsome. Personal trainer as well. And he's got an Apple Watch.

Oh, sorry Robert. It's okay though. No, you've got your alien lover now. No, that's well better than Tracy. I miss her. Well, let's not get bogged down and all that. After stalking Tracy's gorgeous new lover, what did you do next? I sat down with some of my home-brewed cider.

I make it from the apples over the way there. Well, let's do that then. It makes the evenings more bearable. I said, Tracy, I am the man you married. And she said exactly that's the problem. I don't really know what she meant by that. Then she drove away with Pascal and I didn't hear from her again

until the divorce papers came through. That is disgraceful. You're a lovely man. You're a good farmer. And yeah, you're incredibly dull. You might have done sensual stuff with a skinny being from another planet and species group But you needed to feel some affection I needed to feel some affection people need to understand the world has changed

2020s now and Interdimensional relations are totally normal Sharon absolutely blew my mind and no one believes me. Not even my own mother. Why can't they just be happy for me? Do you think the alien would take me with it? And I could live on the craft? I think I'd be happy. Yeah, I think that's definitely gonna happen, Robert.

You're gonna be so happy. You can learn how all the buttons work. And I bet he'd let you have a go of the steering as well. Hold on. It's about quarter to ten now. I need a shovel or something to cut a piece off. Can you just take a finger? I don't want to hurt it. Do you want my help or not? I'll get some shears for the sheds. I'm very close now to getting the evidence I need. I'm finally about to prove the existence of the paranormal.

Nobody will ever call me a virgin again. Robert, what the hell are you doing? Take me to the skies baby Why are you... what is that? He's gonna raise eggs in me You're snogging a bit of farming equipment He's gonna let me have a go on the steering Robert that's not an alien that's metal

No don't open the glue Don't eat it, he's eating it! God, it's delicious! I want it on chips! You don't want it on chips! Please stop, it's all over your mouth! Marco, I'm kind of in the middle of something Chris, you've given that woman the wrong dip, she's not happy

She said it tastes like cress, what have you been doing? Oh God, Robert! Get your tongue out of that pot please, I need it back. Get it together Chris. Well that's that then, the tale of an alien visit that turned out to be much closer to home than expected. A lonely farmer out of his mind on home brewed cider, having some kind of emotional breakdown and humping a massive piece of farming equipment.

Oh and it turns out the alien liquid was engine grease. You'd think a test off the dark web would be able to tell you that. So was there ever an alien visitor or is Robert just unleashing years of emotionally repressed frustration and a difficult divorce on a hydraulic post knocker? I really don't know. Either way it's not the evidence I need. That said my calling to find proof of supernatural forces will never stop, and you'll be with me when I do, so join me again as I continue my quest to find the paranormal. See you next time on Follow the Rabbit.

Follow the Rabbit starred Tom Lawrence and Steve Brody, Joe Enright, Owen Cooper and Chelsea Halfpenny. It was written and produced by James Baugin and it was a Motive Pictures production for BBC Radio 4. Thanks for listening to the Comedy of the Week podcast from BBC Radio 4. If you want more check out the Friday Night Comedy podcast featuring The News Quiz and Dead Ringers. I'm Helena Bonham Carter and for BBC Radio, this is History's Secret Heroes, a new series of rarely heard tales from World War II.

None of them knew that she'd lived this double life. They had no idea that she was Britain's top female code breaker. We'll hear of daring risk takers. What she was offering to do was to ski in over the high Carpathian mountains in minus 40 degrees. Of course it was dangerous, but danger was his friend. Helping people was his blood. Subscribe to History's Secret Heroes on BBC South.