Comedy of the Week - Glenn Moore's Almanac

Episode Date: September 22, 2025

Comedian Glenn Moore looks in his almanac at world events and what he was doing at the time. In this episode, a deadly spy operation causes Glenn to suspect his completely innocent Russian flatmate who just happens to have a novelty cigarette lighter in the shape of a gun. And not a novelty gun in the shape of a cigarette lighter.Perhaps best-known for his outrageously brilliant one-liners on Mock The Week , Glenn delivers a tale of comic mishaps and extraordinary scenes interwoven with a big event in history – and looks back through his almanac to find out other strange connections to the day as well.This is the first episode of the Second series of Glenn Moore's Almanac. To hear more episodes, search "Stand-Up Specials" on BBC Sounds.Written by Glenn with additional material by Katie Storey (Have I Got News For You, Mock The Week, The Last Leg) and produced and directed by David Tyler (Cabin Pressure, Armando Iannucci’s Charm Offensive, etc)A Pozzitive production for BBC Radio 4

This is Glenn Moore's Almanaka show, all about famous dates in history on what I was doing on those days, starring me, Glenn Moore. Thank you so, so much. Before we start, I've decided I want to make tonight's episode about my university life, a momentous three years for me,

incredibly formative. I mean, literally in Fresh's Week of You. uni, I met my future wife. No. Still future. Start to lose hope on that one. Yeah, she's married to someone else. So am I. It's not looking good.

Now, the date in history I want to talk to you about is November 1st, 2006. And what a date. Every single 1st of November is interesting. Day after Halloween, of course, so you're still having those chub-a-chub sandwiches. In 1922, the BBC issues the first broadcasting receiving licenses. The very first show to air was a repeat of. if homes under the hammer. It's also Prime Meridian Day.

If you were to lie face down naked on the Prime Meridian line at the Greenwich Observatory, you actually get to meet the manager. In 2006, Moneymaker by Ludacris is top of the charts. I feel kind of confused about Shake Your Money Maker as a lyric because I don't know how I'd physically get my hands on my premium bonds. Sea Biscuit wins race of the century in 1938.

I love the movie. Not as good as the original horse. 1997, Titanic premiered. I loved that movie, not as good as the original boat. On this date in 1994, George Lucas starts writing the Star Wars prequels. Not as good as the original literally any other film. It was also the poisoning of Russian spy Alexander Lipminenko. I want to talk about how that event was eerily relevant

to what was going on in my life in 2006. And to help us out tonight, we're actually going to have a bit of audio illumination view in the shape of a folie artist. Great work, Jethro. Great work, Jethro. Well done. As you all know, today is bring your cousin to work day. My cousin Jethro is a 50-year-old who wants to work in the movies. He's going to be soundtracking the episode and really bringing it to life.

So, what was I doing back then? I was starting my first year at Uning. It feels odd to think it was back in 2006 that I was at Trinity College, Cambridge, getting rejected at interview stage. That's Jethro right there. So this foley should be really fun. I, in fact, went to the University of Sheffield. No, that's a red brick, be fair. No, sorry if he seems a bit slow.

Between you and me, I think Jethro was a product of inbreeding between my aunt and my uncle. So, university, this was my opportunity to transform myself completely. Turn myself into someone new. Turn myself into someone interesting. Now, why would I want to do that? Quick history of my life?

I lived in London for most of my childhood. moved to Brighton when I was 15 to pursue my paper round. And I felt I needed to change after a sheltered upbringing. All the other kids were naughty. They spoke back to their parents. They stole vodka from them and topped it up again with water. They misbehaved. Mine, though, was a very insular life.

I had overprotective parents. And that wasn't just at home. I mean, at school, they made me wear a crash helmet for maths. Couldn't have embarrassed myself at school more. I was that kid who kept calling the teacher dad, you know, instead of daddy. I'm not saying I fail to make much of an impact socially at school but on the last day of term when everyone signed each other's shirts

they all wrote on mine to whom it may concern and to people who did know my name they didn't even spell my name right my name is two ends it's spelled G-L-E-N-N-N it's not spelled a picture of a dick I was treated like an idiot at school and sometimes I was made fun off

even for not being a stupid person dumb kids at school would say like Periphone Hermione not me I know it's Persephone I know it's Hermione because I used to spend all my time reading at Waterstonese They all thought I was unintelligent

and look I get to some extent I am unintelligent I know how ignorant I am Up until the age of 12 I thought there was a singer called Elephants Gerald But after school My job during my gap year

was I was a dinner lady at the same school I was the dinner laddie So it was fine The way that's laddie by the way As in L-A-D-Y not as they spelt on my leaving tabard a picture of a dick. So this was a personality and backstory that needed changing.

And when I started uni, it was a chance to repaint myself. So I arrived at uni with fake self-confidence, with a real suavness to me, the sort of stuff I did. Do you ever draw like a faded nightclub stamp on your hand to make it look like you're on a night out last night? No, okay. I mean, this coolness worked at first. That is until I took it too far.

One night during a game of truth or dare, in a bid to impress my flatmates, I told them that I was at this uni undercover and that I was actually a spy. Okay, sorry, Jethro, I should have been clearer. Using any sound or music from movies, it's going to set us back a lot of money. We are on a radio for budget.

Our budget is so small tonight. I actually had to provide my own shoes. So the spy thing just came out. I have no spying background qualifications. But at the same time, what a chance to be who I wanted to be. I'd always wanted to sleep with beautiful women, order a cocktail with confidence, run down the length of a speeding train,

and not just because my rail card had expired and I couldn't afford the fine. And I think my housemates actually bought it. If you say something with enough conviction, people will go for it. In the same way that I recently convinced my 38-year-old sister that when the queen was born,

stamps had a picture of a baby's head on them. 38. You've got to do what you want to do. I always think back to that Jim Carrey commencement speech. He gave it a uni in 2014. He said, you can fail at things you don't want in life. So why not try doing something that you love? Love. And later that year, he went on to star in Mr. Popper's Penguins.

But do I have what it takes to be a spy? Well, I'll tell you what I did the other day. This shows what a spy I can be. Jethro, set the scene, please, as cheaply as possible. I was in this cafe, this lovely public domain-sounding cafe. It's busy. I sit in the only seat available. It's next to his guy talking into his phone in English. And as soon as I sit next to him, he immediately looks really guarded and vigilant, and he switches his language from English to French. And this annoys me on two counts. Firstly, he's assumed I'm trying to eavesdrop on him, which is why he's changed language. Secondly, he's assumed

I don't understand a word of French and as a result wouldn't be able to understand him. So I showed him. I let him have his phone conversation, let him think I couldn't decipher a word of it, right? How James Bond is this? After half an hour I got up to leave. I leaned in really closely. I said to this guy in perfect French, I said I go to the park and play football with my brother.

That is how you come across like a cool spy, let me tell you. Monsieur Gertroux, here's your Bill for the Chateau-Briand. Jethro, did you go to France for that sound effect? Monsieur Jethro, remember, we have reserved the presidential suite just for you. Bienvenu at Paris.

It's okay, it's okay, Jethro, you're doing great, just try to be a bit cheaper. So, why not go for it and pretend to be a spy? Why, I couldn't have predicted was one of my own housemates had behaviour even more spy-like than my own. Let me take you through my housemates. There was Pete, Jenny, Dmitri, who was Russian,

that is relevant, Mexican. That's not relevant. I need to tell you about Russian Dmitri. He was from an oligarch family. In fact, his family knew Vladimir Putin. That is perfect. That's very convincing Russian music, Jethro, and very much royalty-free. Thank you. So Dmitri showed me photos of his family staying at his palace. My God, it was a different life. Gold pillars, gold bed, a roaring furnace that just screamed Putin because one of his enemies was in there. Dmitri was a friend, but I was wary of him. He was on a year abroad. Fair enough, I myself had taken

a gap here, briefcasing around Europe. For some reason, everything Dimitri did, everyone around me considered the coolest thing in the world. If we went to a restaurant, he'd be in his element. When it came to wine, he knew the perfect Pringles pairing. I mean, even the fact he ordered wine in the first place, he wouldn't do what I would do when ordering, which is go for the second

tap water from the top. He just had that aura. He could get away with saying stuff like fri-e, instead of Friday, and people would find it cool. He was considered charming, and I didn't get He spoke too much. He wasn't pleasant to share a flat with. He had, like, you know, verbal diarrhea?

Right, so he always had the bum version. But everyone loved him. Compare his perceived coolness to me. In my Dungeons and Dragon Society, I was elected anti-social secretary. But everyone loved him. I was having to act suave. He was just considered naturally suave.

I mean, we got on well enough. That is, until one wedding's yay morning. I'm in the flat with my housemates and Dimitri's girlfriend, Bree. She was from America. She was everything I was not. She was confident, intelligent, ambitious. She moved to another country to study, for God's sake.

What did I achieve by that age? You know? Oh, I once poured a pint of beer for Jude Law. Don't know why. I've never been in the same room as him. That was optimistic. I don't know what I see. Even as I was pouring it, I was like, I don't know where he is.

So we just sat around the kitchen table. I mean, in walks Dimitri, who asked me in front of everyone, hey, Glenn, how was newsreader society last night? And I am stunned. I can film my social life come crashing down around. me. Firstly, I have no idea how he'd heard about that. Not that I have any shame in being part of a uni society where we'd all meet up and talk like newsreaders for a couple of hours. And actually, sorry, Jethro, can we try that again with a bit more drama

like a sort of like, dun, dun, dun, sort of noise? Okay, so Dmitri walks in and he asks, Hey, Glenn, how was newsreader society last night? No, Jetrope, the dread I feel from Neil Diamond isn't necessarily felt by everyone else in this room. Also, remember, the bigger the hit, expensive the copyright. I really don't want to be spending all our budget on this. So, newsreader society was just a group of people who loved journalism, love the news, but there weren't many of us in the society. So how did Dmitri know about it? Only I know the details every Tuesday evening. Only I know where we meet. The Students' Union. Only I know what time it's on. It's six o'clock. So Newsreaders society, we had a 24-hour rolling news station on

student radio. It was incredibly time-intensive, and it was low budget as well. We actually yet to say our own bongs because we couldn't afford the rights from Big Ben, this massive guy used to run the sound effects library. Before you asked, Jessica, I don't have his contact details, sorry. I was struggling to juggle my university studies with a 24-hour rolling new student radio station, but I couldn't afford to miss out on a big social. You know what the news is like?

If you miss it once, it's really hard to catch up. I'm so bad. I'm still on David Cameron. We've gone out the previous night on a wild newsreader social. Pubs, bars, house party. We'd hired a new themed stripper called Sir Leather MacDonald. But how on earth did Dimitri know what I got up to in my professional life? I hadn't told anyone.

But then I start to piece it together. And I think he's friends with Putin. He's over in the UK. He knows info about me. What if? What if he's a spy? And then I see an opportunity to salvage my reputation at university. If I can find a way to catch him out for being a spy,

doesn't that make me a better spy? And won't that make me seem cool in front of everyone? And I start hatching a plan to catch him in the act. A plan so crazy, it might not work. As soon as he goes out for his lecture in the morning, I sneak into Dmitri's room. And all the while, I'm thinking to myself, if this is so unlike me, what if I get caught? What am I going to do? A real spy would immediately bite down on a cyanide capsule.

But that's just not me. It's too quick. I'd want to go out like my old headmaster. Beset by several financial scandals and facing life in prison, he ran a bath, dropped a slow cooker in, died like six hours later. As I rummaged through Dmitri's room, I'm so scared the whole time that I'm going to get caught. I have been timid my whole life, and that has never changed. And it doesn't come from nowhere.

As a kid, I was terrified. whenever I heard that key in the lock because I knew my dad was trying to get out of the bathroom. I can't see anything in Dimitri's room. I don't even know what I'm meant to be looking for. Surveillance is not my strong suit, even to this day. Like, there's a girl I was in love with when I was at uni,

and I'm finding it impossible to find her on Instagram at the moment because she's taking her husband's name. It's like, you're making it difficult for me to marry you. So what can I see in Demetri's room? Books, chair, a bunch of foreign currency scattered across his desk. I'm not proud of this. I stole some of his money. He never found out.

I topped his wallet up again with water. Big map of Russia. So what? I was looking for documents that would prove he's using a different name or something, but there's nothing. Dmitri Antonov, that was officially his name annoyingly. Said so on every single one of his passports.

Nothing to suggest he's a spy, but a lot to suggest this guy is a loser. Like, he's got one of those novelty lighters. It's in the shape of a Russian Makarov pistol, and I couldn't resist, just giving it a go. I guess the way it works is when you fire it, the friction of the bullet hitting the wall, up your cigarette?

It's a futile search. But maybe I could catch him in the act later. I mean, what do you do when you don't trust someone's actions? You can set up a camera. Of course, a great way to catch someone you're suspicious of. I mean, looking back, my former next-door neighbor must have been so suspicious of the women at his gym. I leave his room, and luckily,

it's not the only chance I get that day to catch him in the act. That evening, we're going out on the town. The whole flat. Me, Dmitri, my housemates, his girlfriend, Bree. We're doing a pub crawl. And I don't think Dmitri suspects, I snuck into his room at all. We go to the first pub where the music is incredible.

How old are these clips, Jethro? Remember when you did the Russian music one perfectly? Just more of that, please. There was, okay, there's no music. There was no music. Here we go. So in this pub, we started to, um... Okay, this is pretty good foley, actually, Jethro.

I do feel like I'm in a pub in 2006. Have you heard, Hitler's just invited Chekoslovakia? Come on, man. Can we just get a realistic, modern pub sound effects? So we need, like, sort of contactless machines. pool table, a fruit machine. There we go. So the annoying thing about buying a movie drinks

is that we start... Jeffsrow, are we paying for this money? Just cut the effect. We're going to do at Acapella, okay? So, my plan for the night, we're going to get Dmitri so drunk that he starts spilling secrets and admits that he's a Russian agent.

Unfortunately, at the first pub, vodka is having no effect on Dmitri. He is knocking back shot after shot. I got him the cheapest, most powerful vodka I can find. It's called Crimson Zah, 75% 75% of people die after drinking it

and he's just knocking it back like you know how Frosties have got a welcoming smiling tiger on the front and golden syrup is a dead lion covered in flies that lion had just drunk Crimson Zah and Dimitri is shot after shot and he's fine and he hands me one and he says have this, this will put hairs in your chest

right how does this spy know about my baby smooth chest I'm lying in with shots but he keeps trying to force one on me I keep pretending to get distracted by the dance floor. I keep changing the subject. I'm like, no, I don't need to drink. Come on, man, this dance.

We love this song, don't we? Sing along with me. Sweet Caroline. Get through, to be fair, that is free, but that was incredibly incorrect. I realize I can't distract Dimitri forever. He hands me a shot of Crimson Tsar. I bite the bullet, I down the shot,

and instantly, I pass out. I wake up an hour later in the back of a car. And I panic. Have I been abducted? Am I being taken to Russia? No. Nothing to worry about. I'm in a cab, and it's pulling up outside.

my flat. The driver says, a guy called Dimitri put me in there. How does this spy know my address? I mean, unreasonable. We live together. I get out of the cab and I watch it drive away. Sorry, Jethro, not to keep going on at you. I've just looked through the show's invoice notes. I thought this was a misprint. Did you spend £8,000 on a Kia Sportage for that sound of that? Maybe we just leave the effects for today. Is that okay? Thank you. The next day, I'm hung over as hell. But the plus side is, the camera hasn't been discovered by Dmitri. I'm feeling good. I'm going to watch the footage next time he's out. work out what he's up to. My housemates seem to have accepted that I'm a spy, and I was

properly living the spy life. I now had a burner phone, for instance, which was actually quite a burden. I mean, who's got space for a second landline? So at breakfast, we all gather around the table in a student hall, and he comes in and Dimitri says, hey Glenn Roger Moore. Now, please don't laugh, cards on the table, that's my real name. That is my real full name. But how did he know it? And yes, obviously, I know it should have changed it. Nicholas Cage, for instance, his real name is Nicholas Coppola. His uncle was the director of the godfather, but he didn't want to be just handed roles because his uncle's Francis Ford Coppola. So Nicholas Cage made life harder for himself just to not be seen as a nepo baby and achieve

everything he achieved based on his own merits. What a pathetic waste of nepotism. I tell you who I do respect, Moby. You know that the DJ Moby, Moby is not his real name. It's because he's distantly related to Herman Melville who wrote Moby Dick. That's how you're nepo baby, baby. That's not even the name of the relative. That's the name of the fish. Let's look at George Lucas' son changes name to Jonathan Star Wars. Which brings me to me, my name is Glenn Roger Moore. My dad is called Roger Moore

and didn't have the decency to be the Roger Moore. The closest have ever been to nepotism was when both me and my dad were both unemployed. So I don't rightly appreciate that this spy has outed my full name in front of everyone in my flat. But crucially, on this day in 2006, somewhere in London, a Russian spy is ingesting poison

and at a university in the north of England, a Russian spy is spreading his. And Dimitri comes into the kitchen and he says, hey, Glenn Roger Moore, how are you feeling about your big show tomorrow night? And what other societies was he going to find out I'd been in? He didn't know about D&D Society. He didn't know about Hyden Seat Club.

He didn't know about the Alanis-Morissette number one fan club. So that means he must have been referring to... Oh, God. Okay, don't judge me. I like the performing arts. I love the performing arts. That much is clear. But do you know, do you know, shit-faced Shakespeare?

Yeah. Right, whole cast of people performing one of the Bard's plays But one of the cast members each night is absolutely hammered So, I wasn't in that, not that I wouldn't have loved to have been I mean, I was so into Shakespeare at uni I thought ass play was referring to a midsummer night's dream No, I was actually in something called Sinn Féin Shakespeare Do you know it, like the cast perform a real Shakespeare play

Except each night on rotation, one of the cast is a fervent Irish nationalist Have you? Oh, they got up to all sorts of shenanigans, or Sinn Fainigans And yeah, you've got to watch it man It is absolutely shin feign in the membrane. I loved it. Because you sat there being like, well, which one of the cast is it? Probably not Richard the second.

No, get a ticket, man. It's so fun to see when the shin hits the feign. Anyway, I, um... He asks me how my shin feign Shakespeare show went down last night. I mean, I should be proud of being in that society. It's artistic. And is this not a great day for art? On this very date, November 1st, back in 1512,

Michelangelo Sistine Chapel was first unveiled. I love the Sistine Chapel. What an artistic achievement. I mean, I really love Michelangelo's statue of David because that reassures me dicks are meant to be that size. But Sinn Féin Shakespeare, I mean, this is as uncool as the News Reading Society. He is ruining my image. We're playing cat and mouse.

He's spying on me, pretending he's not. I'm spying on him, pretending I'm not. It's almost like we're a team lying to each other. I mean, there's no eye in gaslighting. And I find that if there's not, there's not, don't look it up, Matt, don't look it up. You're going crazy. I know when he asked me how my show went. He meant it in a mean way.

It's not a compliment to bring that society up. It sounds nice, but it isn't. It's like if I said, oh, your face is really symmetrical. And you go like, oh, thanks. And I go, yeah, but horizontally. So it's just two foreheads. It's not nice. So me and Demetri are standing in the kitchen face-to-face.

Him a spy who thinks I'm a spy. Me pretending to be a spy but knowing he's a spy. And it is so tense. You can cut the tension with 10,000 spoons. Jethro, did you literally buy 10,000 spoons? Never mind. Dmitri goes out for the day, and I'm left humiliated once again in front of my friends. But I tell you who was nice about the whole situation, Dmitri's girlfriend, Bree. She said, oh, the show sounded good.

And in that moment, I just noticed a bit of a, maybe a bit of a spark between us. I said, I don't know. And then she hung around the flat for the rest of a day, even after Dmitri went out in the evening. She was still there. And I made us dinner, bought a Charlie Bigam lasagna because it had been reduced to £47. But there was just something romantic about the atmosphere. I lit some candles. I mean, a true thing about November the 3rd.

First is it's scented candle day. Didn't always used to be, but it got a rebrand when people weren't too keen on National Fart All You Want Day. I've been thrown into this fantasy world, so I just hurl myself into it head first. Sleeping with the enemy is exactly the sort of thing you're meant to do. And I'm not proud of this, but I was killing two birds of one stone. Sorry, with one stony. We could be honest with how we felt about each other, and I could get my revenge on Dimitri.

There was just something between me and his girlfriend. We both dressed for the occasion. and she was wearing those skin-tight contact lenses. It started to feel like something out of love actually and that the way we treated each other doesn't really hold up to scrutiny in 2025. Look, in terms of what happened between me and Bree that evening, that is for me to know and for you to find out.

Now, we had sex and it was amazing. Jethro, Jessro, no, that's gross, that's really gross. Also, that's from the Premier League, so you know that's just cost us upwards of £1,000. £1. It was a wonderful experience. Yes, the sex was as stilted and formal as I have a habit of doing. I mean, it was not the first time I had to remind myself in bed that actually we are a shoes off flat. But I was happy to leave my rivalry with Dimitri as soon as she left. We're even, as far as I'm concerned, he's never going to find out about what I did because it was just us too in the room. And if he does find out, that just proves he is a spy. Now, later on, I'm in a good mood. Not just because of what happened with Dimitri's girlfriend, but also because I just found out that Margot Robby's nanogram of Robert Mugabe. Don't look it up. Bree will never say anything, I'll never say anything, so I should be safe.

But if Dimitri truly is a spy, he'll know. And sure enough, when he comes back to the flat, he says out of the blue that he wants to come to Sinn Féin Shakespeare rehearsals one day. And I'm suspicious that he's using it to get closer to me or to make fun of me more. But I have no choice. To lower any suspicions,

Dmitri has to come with me. I'm going to start him small at the society. He's only got to say one line, if it please your grace, which is Shakespeare for no worries if not. We arrive early. I remember it vividly. It was pouring down with rain.

Absolutely torrential rain. Are we sure that's rain? Jeffrey, like 100%. Okay, so it was raining really heavily. And what happened? Well, there's a grunt, man. Come on. So we arrive at this hall.

I just feel very unnerved to bring in Dimitri with me. I mean, what if he's using us meeting in this big empty hall as an opportunity to confront me, to abduct me and take me to Russia? I'm not cut out. for that. I wouldn't stand up to interrogation. I mean, sometimes if a water fountain I'm drinking from is too splashy, I start revealing state secrets. I didn't even know I knew. God, what if it gets

me sent to Russia and they start torturing me? I won't last a second. I mean, for God's sake, I faint at the sound of the word blood. Sorry, sorry, thank you, Jess, Rose. Sorry, could you hand me that bottle of water, please? The government supply of gold is actually stored beneath Kensington Palace. Sorry. Sorry, excuse me. We get to this huge empty hall, the kind that echoes with everything you say? And I say, uh, hello, hello, hello, that kind of echoey hall. He leaves to go to the bathroom and I say, echo, echo, echo. There's no answer. I can say anything I won. I can say anything I won. I can say anything I want. And I'm in this hall on my own. I'm having a great time. I say, uh, I was Jack the Ripper. I was Jack the Ripper. I was Jack the Ripper. This is brilliant. And then I say out of nowhere,

I go, I slept with your girlfriend. I slept with your girlfriend. I slept with your girlfriend. I slept with your girlfriend, I slept with your girlfriend, I slept with your girlfriend, I slept with your girlfriend, I slept with your girlfriend, I slept with your girlfriend, I slept with you go away. I was doing everything in my power, I was swatting the air, I'll say, shut up, just shut up, and then before you knew it, just a second, Dimitri, I'm waving a tea towel at it like it's a smoke alarm. No, in a second, Dimitri, don't come in. I eventually managed to open a window, and I wasted the echo out. I opened the door, and there he was, looking extremely suspicious of me, suddenly the breeze from the open window made his coat flutter open to reveal a concealed. Oh, thank God, it was just his novelty lighter. I recovered. I let him into the room and made flustered small talk, but I was

sweating buckets. And he asked while I was looking so worried. And I said to him, Dmitri, it's because I think you're a spy. And he was stunned at the idea. He said, why on earth? Do you think I'm a spy? He said, I genuinely really wanted to do his Shakespeare thing. I'm sorry if he wants to keep it a secret. I just care a lot about the performing arts. And look, I'm sorry for saying your full name in front of everyone. When you got drunk and I put you in that cab. I went to put 20 pounds in your wallet, and I saw your name on your driving license. And newsreading society as well, I listened to it because in my country, we don't have a free press. I would be so proud to be a journalist if I were able.

Glenn, you're sweating buckets. Are you okay? I tried to pass it off. I thought, my God, the guilt and shame passing through me. Dmitry was nice all along. He was just unintentionally embarrassing me. It's like that time I bumped into a girl I knew when I was performing at the Edinburgh Fringe, and she really enthusiastically went, Glenn, what are you doing here? Which was a damning indictment of my publicity team. mean to be horrible. I've disrupted Dmitri's relationship, I've invaded this personal space, and for what? And now he's asking kindly if I'm okay? And I just tried to pass it off. I went, yeah, yeah, of course. No, obviously I'm fine. I was just having some fun with the

echoy room, Dmitri. Listen, we can try it now. Echo! I slept with your girlfriend. I slept with your girlfriend. I slept with your girlfriend. You know that window I opened to get the echo out? Well, shortly afterwards, I needed 10 stitches after mysteriously falling out of that window. Jeffrey, just so you know, we have to pay per clip that we play, and you played the Echo 1 80 times, so I think you may have absolutely rinsed us dry financially. Again, to tonight's audience, if you want to help me out financially,

there will be a bucket on the way out, so if anyone wants to buy that bucket, please do. I think that evening ruined my life. My reputation was in tatters after that. I put in an application to switch accommodation, and I saw Dmitri very rarely from them. We patched things up, but I never got over the guilt that he wasn't a spy.

I was ostracized for my friendship group for what I did. Hide and Sikh society started meeting up without me in an unknown location, which, if anything, was just really encouraging. I was kicked out of newsreading society, and they did what any news organisation would do to a disgraced newsreader. They continued to pay me a salary and fall for five months afterwards. To this day, I get paranoid Dmitri will find me. I mean, I was upset a couple of years ago.

I found out Dmitri, who is sadly still with us. I found out he'd been in England. And we'd patched things up, and I got offended that he was in England, He didn't even tell me. He went on holiday to the UK, cathedral spotting in Salisbury. Now, I'm going to tell you this quickly, partly because I don't want Jethro to risk losing us any more money,

and also we don't have a huge amount of time left. My God, what are you doing? This is one of the worst yays of my life. Jethro, please. I think you're trying to deliberately screw me over. Are you trying to deliberately destroy me? Hang on. Hang on a second.

I don't think you're actually my real cousin, Jethro. I think you're wearing, oh my God. You're wearing a false mistake. Gosh, Dimitri, he also used to wear a false moustache. Oh my goodness, it's all becoming clear. You screw me over with expensive sound effects. The fact that the only convincing one was the Russian marching music. The fact that before today's recording, I didn't even think I had a cousin.

And of course, you poisoned me before the show. Yes, that's why moments before this recording, I had uncontrollable diureate, you're shaking your head. Okay, that wasn't you. Okay, well, you may have disrupted my show. You may have tried to bankrupt me today, but I'm not going to give you any more opportunities. I'm ending this episode.

episode right now. I'm cutting this now. I'm destitute, but I'm not letting you win. This is Glenn Moore signing off on what has really been a hard day. Night. What are you there? That was Glenmore's Almanac written by and starring Glenmore, with additional material by Katie's Story and also featured George Four Acres. The producer was David Tyler. It was a positive production for BBC Radio 4. Hello, it's Glenn Moore here, and if you liked what you just heard, you can find two whole series of my almanac on BBC Sounds. Just search stand-up specials. Attention, animal lovers, haters and undecideds. A little birdie, a tit, told me that you're

looking for a podcast just like evil genius, but without all those stupid humans. I'm Russell Kane, waddling onto your feed and squawking about my show, evil animals. Every episode, I'm joined by two human guests, or as I like to call them, ex-monkeys, passing judgment on all the creepiest crawlies and the biggest elephants in the room. Are vampire bats, terrifying giant mosquitoes, are bottlenose dolphins, sex-obsessed savages, and we're going there. Domestic cats, evil or genius? Pig out on evil animals in the evil genius podcast feed, first on BBC Sounds.