Comedy of the Week - Humanwatch

Episode Date: October 27, 2025

The team look at human hobbies and wonder, what is the point?Gareth goes on a date, purely for research purposes, and roving reporter Phil is back at the Swindon nest to observe his favourite family...from a safe and morally appropriate distance.To listen to more episodes from this series, search "Humanwatch" on BBC Sounds.Written and presented by Marjolein Robertson and Gareth WaughWith Phil Ellis and Katia KvingeAdditional voice by Kai HumphriesProduced by Lauren MackaySound by Fraser JacksonPhotographer: Chris QuiliettiA BBC Scotland production for Radio 4.

Opening his eyes and taking in the first glorious rays of dawn, he stretches forth out of his temporary nest. The crisp cool air of his spring morning greets him. There's a fresh dew on the grass, which he intends to add to. He's picked his special spot along the M6, just three miles north of Preston, and it's here he marks his territory in this desolate landscape. The migratory species known as the trucker will continue his journey

South-South-East, which signals the beginnings of a new day. Welcome to Human Watch. Hello! It's another week in the exciting world of Human Watch. Last week was like jam, in that it was jam-packed with drama. And just like jam, it was sweet, and I simply must have more. As ever, we have picked a spectacular location for Human Watch, and today we come to you from between the warrens of Glasgow and Edinburgh inside a popular human forging spot, a motorway surfaces.

Yes, a spot for people to rest from sitting down in cars. And My Lane, it's lucky your name isn't Joy, or I'd be jumping for you at the thought of everything we have in store this week. If only my name was Joy, this would be a perfect place for a ride. Coming up, we check in with Phil and the Jones family from last week and get right into hobbies, which is like a job that humans do, except often they have to pay to do it.

I get my hands dirty and going to the field, the dating field. I get up close and personal to report on dating and mating in a completely legal, if not entirely ethical way. But first, we have some outstanding audio sending from you, the listener. Let's hear from Paul in Newcastle. Hello, guys, I just wanted to share what was quite a frightening encounter. I was walking my dog in the country park last Saturday morning when what I could only describe was a stampede of people started cascading towards us.

I felt like Simba and the Lion King Man. Except in my case, it was my dad that killed my uncle, like, but he's up for parole in September, actually. Anyway, I started a run, but the herd overtook me. Luckily, I escaped, completely unscathed, like ducking and weaving. But have you seen anything like this before? I'd just love to know what was happening, so cheers. Love the show.

Call me. Wow, what a stupendid sight and how very lucky you are to have been a part of it, Paul. However frightening it was at the time. What you seem to be describing here is a type of mass hysteria called Park Run. If you'd like to experience Park Run like Paul did, why? Ah, Marieland, because it's such an incredibly interesting phenomenon.

Humans run not to chase prey or because they are being chased by a predator, but instead they do it for fun, like a dog with the zoomies. These races take place all over the country every Saturday around 9 a.m. when the rest of the world is asleep or hung over. Yes, Marlene, it's almost like they've deliberately picked to do it then to achieve the maximum amount of smug feeling.

And feeling smug is ultimately what Park Run is all about. Humans, along with cats, are the only two species that can feel smug. Most of the participants will have bright, wonderfully colourful pelts provided at a great cost by Lulu Lemon. Lulu Lemonhide you will also recognise if you frequent fancy coffee shops although nobody in there is actually exerting themselves physically nor do they have any intention to do so If you'd like to join in remember you must exercise

Extreme caution For you can only take part if you then post about it on Strava afterwards And remember it's just a hobby not a race Unless of course you come last For if you were in the wild you would be dead Yes and loss in the wild is a very real thing as last week we lost our Bill Audie hidden camera in the tundra of Swindon. Thankfully though, we still have our reporter Phil on the scene

to give us the juice on the Jones family. Hi, Phil! And do feel free to squeeze me for all the information you need, guys. Ah yeah, the Bill Oddy camera is currently still held in custody. However, we have managed to replace it with a brand new camera. This one looks like Chris Packham. Nice. And also, far less distressing to our humans should they spot it again.

In the meantime, I've been rather busy with the Jones family. I managed to ring the mother, you know, like a bird, and I've placed a pedometer on a wrist, a nice bit of a technology that will track all of her steps. Quite often, humans will ring themselves. If it's on the wrist, like Phil has here, is to measure their movements, whilst on the ankle is to limit their travel.

Exactly right, Gareth. We have been focusing on the extracurricular activities his family unit partakes in. These types of behaviour are affectionately called hobbies. One thing I've noticed, Phil, is that the names for people who enjoy hobbies, they aren't very complimentary. For example, if you like reading, they call you a book Worm. That is so true. Apparently, enjoying procreation makes me a pest. Anyway, join me later on to hear about my discoveries into the wonderful world of hobbies. I'm so excited about this. You

could say voyeurism is my hobby. A reminder to all our viewers, that our webcams are live 24-7. Keep an eye on people life and people death if we forgot to turn them off. Let's learn about a certain type of nest no one wants to live in. Hotels. Humans use these for holidays, business purposes, or the most popular reason,

having an affair. Hotels provide a temporary roost which offers all the comforts and familiarity of home whilst feeling detached and lonely. Before their homes of today, humans used to dwell in caves and the soulless decor of a hotel room seems to echo this. To the untrained eye, a hotel room looks like a normal den. But when we cast a more discerning look,

we can spot several things that aren't quite right. For instance, the inclusion of a kettle. Usually these are confined to the kitchen. It's believed you can use these to scald your enemies or to secretly open letters. There's a chair. These tend to be found in communal spaces, but in hotels, we see them standing in an empty corner

facing towards the bed and not the television for some reason. At least the toilet is in another room. However, often the bathroom door is made entirely of glass. Usually what happens in the bathroom is private, making this design decision unnecessarily horrifying. Humans are the only animals who defecate in secret unless they are drunk, then they cannot be stopped.

But the question is, why would they design nests to be so purposefully uncomfortable? One theory is perhaps to encourage humans to adhere to check out times, escaping before the hoover's arrive. If you ever find yourself in one of these temporary abodes, remember this is your chance to live in a way that would repulse your family, so do make the most of it. The meaning of life.

It's a question. Humans have been asking themselves since 1988. Is it to leave the world a better place than you found it? The love of a good woman or dog, or simply to vanquish all of your enemies? Well, ask any parent, and they will tell you the meaning of life is breeding. They'll also tell you that, oh, Madeline, you don't know what being tired actually is. So with all this in mind, we sent Garthew to explore the world where babies are made, dating apps. Yes, indeedy, I set up a profile and snared myself a dalliance with a human woman.

Of course, we brought along our recording equipment so that you, the listeners, can find out the ins and outs of dating life. Well, the ins and oats do tend to be how children happen. Let's have a listen to how you got along on your date, Gareth. The thrill of the chase, the allure of the unknown, the smells of burnt coffee, dried fluids and fried foods. This is a cafeteria or a cafe for short, where humans go to feed outside their nests and to have dates with plenty of witnesses for safety.

Once a thing to be shunned and ridiculed, most humans now meet on the information highway. the World Wide Web, using apps like Tinder, LinkedIn, or Google Maps to find each other. To use these apps, there are certain rules. For example, males can only be on them if they're above six foot tall, which is roughly 18 hands. I am actually only 17 hands myself, however lying is also a large part of online dating. But they don't call it lying. They call it catfishing, which is an adorable name for something so sinister. After creating a flattering profile of myself,

a female registered her interest and we engaged in some discourse. During this stage of courtship, the male will do something very, very unusual, something that actually seems counterintuitive. They will be slightly mean to the female in a display known as negging. They will say things like,

nice hair, is it a wig? Or, I see you work in a law firm. Are you a receptionist? Or, I see you work in a hospital. Are you a receptionist? And of course, I see you went to university. No, thank you. Despite being insulted, lied to,

and having the very real possibility of being murdered, for some reason, women still like to roll the dice and go on dates. Which is where we have found ourselves now. Lying in wait, trap set, hoping we get lucky, and our potential mate arrives. Oh, hi. You must be Gareth. I'm Robin. Ah, brilliant. She's very bold. Now that she's closer, we can examine her properly.

Robin here has a beautiful orange coat. Oh, thanks. Females during winter months will apply fake tan to attract a mate. What? This is to trick people into thinking they've been on holiday. Actually, I was in Magaloof. Also, who are you talking to? Oh, wonderful.

She's engaging in conversation. What are you actually on about you clown? You can hear she has quite a shrill call. This again is fairly typical. You're the one talking to yourself like a freak. I can't believe I wax for this. Do you know what, Gareth? I feel like I've learned a lot about women new.

Very happy to answer any questions you might have on the subject, Marielane. Unfortunately, we didn't get to spend much more time with Robin. When she returned from the bathroom, a waiter approached and said her friend Angela urgently required her attention. That's a shame. But why don't we brighten our day by visiting Swindon. Hey, I, Phil! Hi, guys!

I am very jealous of your date there, Gareth. Sounds to me like you might be on for a second. Well, Phil, it was purely for science. I was happy to release her back to the wild. But tell us what knowledge you have snared, Phil. Well, we spend so much time on this programme looking at the necessities of human life, you know, from diets, nesting, you know, and everything else,

that we rarely focus on the things that happen around these. You know, the things that people are doing when they are truly living. So that is what we're going to do right now. Ah, those hobbies we mentioned earlier. I would say with three of a litter, we could safely assume what the parents' favourite pastime is. Yeah, past being the operative word, as we've seen no evidence of this currently, more's the pity.

For the children, they display a fantastic array of leisure activities. The three children enjoy reading, mostly Japanese stuff, with lots of pictures, a bit weird, but... board games, a bit boring, and, of course, bullying on social media. Very cool. The mother, my particular favourite, she enjoys boxer size, which is a sort of like fighting dance, both attractive and frightening.

It's unclear if this is used to attract her mate or ward off predators, potentially both. While the adult male of the brood spends most of his free time at his laptop and when he can't be in his laptop, he's on his mobile telephone including whilst he's on the toilet, a time when he should really be focused on expelling waste. And have we managed to establish what it is he's looking at or doing on these devices?

Well, while the family was asleep, I had a little look on his laptop to see what I could find. Phil, whilst I love the enthusiasm, make sure you don't disturb the nest too much or leave your sin. It's a lovely St. Gareth. Airport, duty-free, dupe. But I have set up camp in their loft and established some rapport with the mother. Phil? Yes, Gareth. I haven't forgotten you want to know what's on the devices.

Well, amongst a few websites, which I have memorized for later, there was a lot of online investing. He appears to have lost a lot of money. It would be a real shame if his wife was to find out. Phil, remember, we are just observing this family. It's unethical for us to alter the natural course of things. Well, there's nothing natural about crypto. Phil remain impartial. We can't

have another bathgate gate. He needed to know that baby wasn't he. Thanks for that, Phil! It's time to bring a close on this week's episode of Human Watch. But join us next week, where we look at the curious world of libraries. Why are the books free?

I'll be visiting a popular bookshop to ask the question, why aren't the books free? There will also be the annual count of the sadly declining species of fish fan men. Important to note that this is just a regular man who drives a van selling fish and not some sort of nightmarish hybrid. Remember to get your orders in for the Human Watch calendar,

with some striking images sent in by yourselves. I especially enjoy February, an old couple feeding ducks. Sniffing the other way round, is it? For this and more quirks of human life, join us next week. Bye! Human Watch was written and presented by Marlene Robertson and Gareth Wall. It also featured Phil Ellis, Katia Kivinga and Kai Humphreys.

It was produced by Lorne Mackay and was a BBC Scotland production for Radio 4. Hello, it's Gareth from Human Watch here. Just to let you know that if you enjoyed what you just listened to, you can listen to that and more episodes on the BBC Sounds app. Just go on there, search Human Watch and we'll pop up along with much, much more.

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