Comedy of the Week - Ian Smith is Stressed

Episode Date: June 1, 2026

Ian Smith is back on his quest for calm. In this episode, Ian is going through one of the most stressful life experiences... moving house. Is he middle class now? How can he keep in touch with his friends? And just how much damage can an entire chickpea cause? Let’s find out together in Ian Smith is Stressed.Written and performed by Ian Smith Additional Material from Mike Shephard and Rhiannon Shaw Featuring Stuart Laws Assistant Producer - Em Humble Production Manager - Laura Shaw Produced by Benjamin Sutton A Daddy’s SuperYacht Production for BBC Radio 4

Hello and welcome to Ian Smith is stressed, a comedy show all about my stress and my misguided attempts at relaxation. Sit back and relax. Unless you're on a stool, in which case, please do not sit back. If you've already sat back, I apologise. Just wait for the ambulance to arrive,

and then when you get in the ambulance, sit back and relax. Try not to focus on the fact that you're losing blood and focus on how warm the blood is. Now, this is series two. So obviously I didn't find the secret to relaxation first time round, but I think this series, I'm going to crack it. I've left no stone unturned.

In fact, I've unturned all the stones twice, which actually means I've sort of returned the stones to their original positions. But I've left no stone unreturned. I'm always stressed. I even found writing this show very stressful. I wrote lots of documents on my computer. Ian Smith is stressed, new ideas. Ian Smith is stressed.

plans for 2026. But I'd been using the acronym for Ian Smith is stressed. So those documents actually said, ISIS, plans for 2026. ISIS, new ideas. ISIS, the final assault. Long story short,

my front door was kicked down by 40 anti-terrorism police officers. And let me tell you, it's hard to relax when that happens. I tried to explain Radio 4 to them, but they were much more of an LBC game. I've been in my fair share of stressful situations. I once had to buy anosol.

You don't need to know why. And I went into a pharmacy and I asked someone at the counter for anisol and they walked me over to the shelf where I realised I could have just picked it up myself, used a self-service checkout machine, but instead I looked someone in the eye and I basically said, please help me, I've got a problem with my ass.

Stress is a problem with my ass. Stress is a problem. everywhere. And you can't escape it by going to Europe. I once went on a city break to Paris. I was in a restaurant with my girlfriend. I ordered something on the menu written in French. And when I ordered it, the waitress repeated that order to the room. And everyone in the room went, Oh. That is a stressful situation. That is not a good sign. Long story short, I'm pretty sure I ate cow's brain. I can't be 100% sure because the waiter doesn't let you choose.

the cow in a tank like you do with a lobster. Partly because of the size of the aquarium and the teaching cows to scuba, it just wouldn't be cost effective. And I'm not condoning eating cow's brain. You know, I don't recommend it. It tastes weird. And also now, I seem to have taken in some of the thoughts and memories of the cow. That's a risk with eating brain, I'm afraid.

It's given me a craving for grass and an attraction towards bulls that I cannot explain or resist. I've learned everything I know. know about relaxation by copying and pasting how to stop smoking book into word finding all the uses of the word smoking, smoke or cigarettes and replace them with being stressed. I found this works perfectly fine

advice-wise. That's why now if ever I feel like going outside to have a few being stressed, I put a pencil in my mouth to replicate the feeling of being stressed. And if anyone offers me a being stressed, I simply say, I don't being stressed anymore.

I've also started wearing a nicotine patch and I chew nicotine gum and cards on the table I am addicted to both of those things. This week I'll be talking about moving house and my transition into the world of being middle class. And I've always been a working class northerner. That's who I was. I've never been middle class. I remember the first time someone asked me if I had a B day. I'm like yeah, 13 for September every year. We've all got B days. I think this is a good example of my working class background. And the first line of this story is going to make

it sound like I'm about to tell you something far more traumatic than I am. So when I was in primary school a teacher blindfolded all the kids and made us touch some fruit. No, that is what happened. It was fruit. It was only fruit.

It wasn't a... Oh, banana. Banana every time, sir. It was fruit. We were learning about texture. The only way we know how up north, apparently, blindfold some children, put an orange in their hand, see if they can tell it's an orange from the feel of the orange. Now, I've got this fruit in my hand, and I've got no idea what it is. And the teacher's getting impatient with me, he's going, come on, Ian.

Come on, what fruit is it? And no one has ever shouted that at me since, by the way. Don't know why he's angry, he put the blindfold on me. I haven't caused this situation. So he whips the blindfold off me. I'm looking at this thing I've got no idea what this is it was an avocado

this is 1995 in the north of England we don't have avocados horrible lesson one poor kid got bullied for the rest of school because he got cumquot first go but I'm getting posher now and I can't deal with it I don't think I belong

I went skiing for the first time I was a just so bad at skiing. I just kept falling over. And at one point I've fallen on the floor and someone who was good at skiing, one of your lot, they like glided past my body and they pointed at me and they said out loud

he's got all the gear no idea. All the gear, no idea. I'm getting slammed. In rhyme as well, the worst way to get slammed. But that doesn't even make sense as an insult. I guess what they're saying is he's bought all of the equipment but he can't do the thing he's got the equipment for. That's embarrassing, isn't it?

He's got all the stuff, but he can't do the thing he's got the stuff for. Do you know what you need to try skiing for the first time? All of the gear. You need all the gear. The gear is a requirement of the slope. They won't let you on to the ski slope

if you don't have all of the gear on. And if all the gear, no idea, is the worst you can be, does that mean the best you can be is none of the gear, all of the ideas. You're going down the slope on your regular shoes like that. Like, hey, don't need any of that stuff.

This isn't even the thing that annoyed me most. And this shows you how middle class I'm getting. This is how middle class my problems are. I never dreamt I'd be able to have a problem as pathetically middle class as this. This was my big problem in January. Last year, I'd come back from skiing to discover that I'd left my air pods in the shallow.

Air pods in the chalet. Oh, what next? My cravat, still in the villa. Oh, I can't read tonight. My monocle is in the chateau. So I had to get my AirPods sent back to me in a package, but it also come with this postcard. And the postcard said,

Dear Ian, Macy mentioned it was you who left your AirPods. Please find them in the package. We hope you had a good week, despite your lack of skiability. Why am I getting slagged off? in a postcard. Also, a postcard,

it's the only completely readable bit of correspondence. Now my postman knows I'm shit at skiing. And that's particularly humiliating because he delivered me all of the gear. Honestly, middle class places

are stressful for me. I was actually involved in one of the most chaotic situations I've ever been involved in. Last year, I was in a very posh pub in Rye. Lovely place, nine tables. spaced out and a couple left their table and a seagull come down to try and grab some scraps of food but there was nothing for it but the seagull

it still wanted something so what it did is it picked up a steak knife by the handle and it started to fly off with the steak knife but the steak knife is heavy so it never truly caught flight what it did was a very low figure of eight above the beer garden while precariously dangling a steak knife and people were losing their minds

everyone was up off their seats like what do we do now because no one knew what to do because I don't need to tell you this this is a brand new situation no one has been through this before there's one woman about here she's instinctively picked up her own roasting

put it above her head like a shield. There's hot gravy coming down her arms. She's just taking the burn. There's another man quite far on this side. He's dealt with it very well. He's just picked up his dinner and he's gone into his car in the car park. And he's just eating his roast dinner off the dashboard,

watching the entire thing unfold. Like he's at a drive-through cinema screening of it. The landlord of the pub runs past him. This guy, he looks out. He's agitated, he's angry, and he says four words, which tell you so much about this man's past, his present and his future. He just goes, Jesus Christ, not again! And we follow this poor man's eye line to the roof of his own pub

where we can see a bird's nest that I would describe as 80% cutlery. Now, as I come towards moving house, One of my big stresses about it is that your friendship groups get spread around You know, it gets harder to keep in touch with people That make you happy Or is this just me? Am I bad at maintaining friendships

As I get bogged down with the stresses of adult life? What can I do to improve? I decided to tackle these big questions With my friend Stuart Laws But I wanted to do something fun Because as you get older All you ever do is go for a coffee Boring!

I want to be young again! I want to do fun things Just because I'm in my late 30s Doesn't mean I can't go LaserQuest or go-karting, so we are going, go-karting. So what you are about to listen to is two friends, go-karting, while simultaneously attempting to have a serious conversation with each other in a segment that Radio 4 bosses described as an audio recording nightmare.

And something that could sound, and this is a quote, truly terrible. I met Stuart, and we got the customary, how was your journey chat out of the way right at the start, as is required when two men in their 30s meet each other? It was your, it was your, it was alright. Three trains? Oh wow. Well, no, two trains and a tram.

Oh, I had to get the Piccadilly line, get the District line. I could have gone straight Piccadilly line, because I'm obviously North West and so I went, I went Central in, and in theory I could have gone Piccadilly because I'm sort of split halfway between, like the flat sort of... Yeah, yeah. Between the Met Piccadilly and the Central line. Just a couple of guys catching up. First up, like what happens during all good catch-ups with a friend, we had to have a safety briefing. Right, so stay in the car.

Do not get out unless we say so, because we're going on together. No crashing into each other or barriers. Otherwise, you hurt yourself and you break the car. We see hitting each other, rammed each other off the track, anything like that, we'll chucking you off. Sound fair? Yes. Right, yeah, cool.

So it's fun, not a race. No need to kill each other, okay? Okay. Any questions? Yeah, no questions from me. I was also excited to discover that we had arrived at a go-karting track for the stars. The most of the people we've had had is, like,

we had members from taking that, be here for a private event, like way, way long ago, like, way before I started working here. And I don't know anything about to take that, but I just know it was the members that aren't Gary Barlow or Robbie Williams, so... I don't know how to take that.

It's still good, though. Oh, yeah. So I have to take that It was time to put that Safety gear on It was time to put that safety gear on And this is where I was once again shamed For having a famously small head

This is like, they say this is a normal adult helmet Oh really? They're getting a kid's one out That's nice, it's got Lilo and Stitch on it Yep, so with my head, face and brain currently protected by a Disney character design We hit the track to burn some rubber And have a proper catch-up

but I immediately realized the big problem with my plan. How do you keep in touch with people? How do I keep touching people? How do you keep in touch with people? I'm not touching people. In touch with people. Hello? It's loud, isn't it?

Yep, this was perhaps going to be one of the most incoherent interviews the BBC have done since Prince Andrew on News night. We've muddled on for a bit, But we were going in circles, both conversationally, and in real life, because we were on a track. This was not working out how it hoped. You're not looking each other in the eyes, are you? Because you're side by side, and it's sort of like you do another activity.

You don't have to look each other in the eyes. It makes it easier to sort of have that heart to heart. Because I think, you know, often people talk about that with men. Would you say? Are you talking? Are you talking? Yeah, I'm saying. Are you saying something?

What were you saying? Yeah, there was no heart to heart going on, mid-go-karting, and I should have known that, and the rain only made things worse. Well, the rain's coming, the rain's coming, to be careful, yeah. The rain's coming. How do you know her? How do I know who?

The girlfriend's called Becky. We stopped trying to talk after this, and Stuart just started relentlessly lapping me because I was too slow, and I was too scared of the slippery conditions. When we got off the track, it was time to go home and I felt like we'd covered no ground at all. It was very loud, in there. I couldn't really hear what you were saying.

Yeah, I think go-karting is probably not the right place for a chat, is it? It's too loud, the engines are going. Also, I was really focused. I don't know if you saw, I was absolutely focused on lapping you. Yeah, well, that's another reason why I was struggling to have a chat, really, if you're lapping me. But my main question, really, is just, how do you keep in contact with people? When everyone's moving house, you're going on all these different places. find it very difficult to meet up with friends

and your sort of social life goes. I'm just wondering what to do. For me, I think just meet up for a coffee, quick chat, half hour, a couple of coffees sometimes you go, that's a good little ketchup. Ugh. So a boring coffee ketchup

seems to be the only thing you can do. Lesson learned, apparently. I'll be chatting to Stuart Moore later on. And I don't want you to think, by the way, that I'm not happy that I've moved. You know, as much as it becomes harder to keep in touch with mates, I'm delighted to be in my own place. You know, it was last year when me and my girlfriend bought a flat,

and this was a big milestone in life. You know, we've moved to a nice area. I know I'm in a nice area, because I've seen Jason Statham in my local M&S. Yeah, it must be doing something right. Statham and Smith in M&S. Every time I see Statham, we give each other a respectful nod. You know what I mean?

We're just two working-class lads who have made it in the entertainment industry, industry who know at the click of our fingers we could kill every other person in this M&S with our bare hands. Both of us that is, both me and Stephen. Actually, last time I was in the local M&S there was a power coat, but I was able to carry on shopping because I could correctly identify all the produce in the dark. But moving was very stressful. I'm never doing it again, never. The house would have to collapse around me and I'd still rather live on a pile of bricks than talk to another estate agent. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say,

estate agents are the worst people on the planet. Thank you. If there's any in the audience, obviously, I apologise. The security should have stopped you at the door. I think the two things that would survive nuclear Armageddon are cockroaches and estate agents. There are reports that only hours after the bomb had been dropped on Hiroshima, estate agents were already listing portions of the irradiated wasteland on Zouple

as a super hot investment opportunity. in a vibrant area full of character. But then you have to pack up all your belongings. You know, seeing the entirety of your worldly possessions reduced to a number of cardboard boxes, two of which are just filled with empty goo ramekins. I'll use them for something, I will. You artfully package it all up

and then you hand them over to two removal men who treat those boxes like they're nothing but an excuse to practice their real passion of competitive shot put. We had two removal men from Poland. And I realise, as soon as you start that sentence, people are going, oh God, what is he going to say? Don't worry, this is a compliment. They spoke perfect English to these guys.

And I'm always in awe of people who can speak more than one language. Like, as English people were really put to shame without inability to speak other languages. These guys were fluent. There was only four words that they didn't know in English, only four, and it's just a shame that those words were fragile and this way up. We stayed in an Airbnb for a few days

before we moved in and it always feels a bit weird living in someone else's home and this guy was not happy with us when we left. He was very angry. He sent us a very angry message about the dishwasher

he said he was concerned about whether it would work again because there were some bits of food in his dishwasher filter which I think is part and parcel of being a dishwasher filter. He said and I quote upon further inspection

there was a piece of mushroom some bits of tomato and, I quote, an entire chickpea. An entire chickpea! Is there a more pathetic pair of words than entire chickpea? I can't think of a scenario

where an entire chickpea would be genuinely shocking. Maybe if the hospital rang me up and said, Ian, we've got your blood test results back. You're not going to believe what we found. Oh, an entire chickpea. And you might be thinking, Ian, I hope you're not using Radio 4 to air your petty grievances with an Airbnb owner

well but I'm sorry that is what I'm doing if you're listening Philip I've recorded this whole series with an entire chickpeat in my mouth just to prove how little difference that makes so it's fair to say this move got me stressed out and I didn't have an outlet for my frustrations

until now I'm going to a rage room somewhere where you get to pay to let it all on inanimate objects. It's basically an IKEA showroom where you're allowed to behave in a way that a visit to an IKEA showroom makes you want to behave.

With a blind, destructive rage. And in a bid to continue our friendship between the north and south of London, I'm joined once again by Stuart Laws. As I try and fail to get some meaningful chat about maintaining friendships from afar, I could sense from Stuart, he thought the traditional catch-up method

of getting a coffee was much more ideal than what we were doing. Yeah, I thought this would be good. Smashy to rage room. I'm not a particularly stressful person, so I'll probably watch you do it and get into it, and that'll be nice, and then we can get a coffee after doing it. How long did it take you to get here from Rice Lab?

Just under two hours. It's got to stress you out a bit, in it? It's not stress you, it's just, you know, you're sitting on a train. It doesn't matter. Two hours, that's got to stress you out a bit. Come on. If you're the sort of person like me, you don't let the everyday get you down.

Gotta stress you out a bit of that. Come on, two hours. Let's go smash up some plates. Then we'll have a coffee. If there's time, it isn't one hour slot. We went inside, we got kitted out with PPE because I seem to only socialise with Stuart while I'm wearing a helmet.

And we met Amelia, the owner of the rage room, who gave us a rundown of the rules of rage. In your room, you're going to have the window, the speaker, the CCTV and the light. None of those things are included in your package, so please don't smash them. It's really important that you don't try breaking anything. think with your feet. So no stomping on it and no kicking it just because we can't guarantee

your footwear. You're welcome to throw stuff at the two side walls but do bear in mind things can bounce back at you so make sure you leave plenty of room between you and the wall and each other in the wall. Now I don't know how much smacking with a crowbar you lot have done but there is a knack to it all right. So when you're using a crowbar don't hold it up here because if you do it's going to come back and smack you in the elbow so make sure you're holding it down at the bottom with two hands because they are heavy with the hook end at the top so you don't accidentally hook yourself. in there. All right and obviously if you're swinging it about in there make sure only your

mates are in the way if you knock any teeth out in there we won't find them again. All right for questions. That's a pretty intense safety briefing. So now we're experts on wielding a crow bar. I was curious to find out what sort of people like to rage. Yes we have everybody from all backgrounds but the biggest, biggest group of people is women between 25 and 45. There's so much pressure on everybody to be perfect all the time. Now back in the day the husband's be out at work. The wife's at home just takes care of everything. But now she's supposed to do all of that. Keep the kids in check. Keep everything perfect. Hair and nails perfect. Everything's got to be Instagram ball in a minute. You can't complain. You've got to have the best career. Everything's

just kind of piled on to everybody. So everybody's struggling under the pressure of that, I think. That's right, ladies. You're the most stressed out group. So on behalf of you, me and another man are going to smash up some crockeries. For the sisters. While I was in there, it was weird the things that you realise have got you stressed out. I'll say something that annoyed me recently, Stuart. I was in co-op and I'm getting a croissant from the big drawer of cross-ons and I'm using my fingers. I'm not touching any of the cross-ons.

I know what I'm doing. I've got cross-ons before and then one of the staff members shouts over at me, Tongs! Tung sir! Use the tongs, sir! I can pick up a crosson and then. I'm 36. I've just remembered I'm 37. And after we smashed a whole punnet of I-heart-I-B for mugs,

I think even the previously calm Stuart unlocked something from within. I went to the cinema the other day and I said, can I have a large popcorn and a large drink, please? I'll have a Coke and a salted popcorn. They put it through and they said, what drink is it? I just told you. What popcorn? Salt, I've already said it to.

It was 18. £19. Listen, I'm not 100% sure that what we're doing was healthy. But it felt good. Cinemas are expensive. Tongues are stupid. Friendship is good. After we'd finished demolishing a commemorative diamond jubilee plate,

we called up with Amelia to find out the origins of rage rooms. It actually started because our eldest son's got PTSD and because the NHS waiting times are so long for mental health help, especially for children. His dad and I looked online to see what we could do to help him from home. Everything said, write it all down on a piece of paper and set it alight, and we kind of thought we can't let that boy near fire. So we sort of, but what else can we do, you know?

So we came up with the idea that he could write it on a plate and smash it to pieces. When we suggested it to him, he was like, what, really? Like, it was naughty, it was fun, but it was effective. So from there, we ended up going to schools, public events and stuff, and everybody was writing all their troubles on a plate and smashing it to pieces. Now that the dust had settled and we'd watch the work experience lad Very sadly take a broom into the room and clear up after our session Sorry about that, Darren

I wondered where all these bits would end up And what happens with the everything once it's smashed Where does that go? So if we divide up what we can All the metal goes off to be recycled All the batteries come out before they go into the road room So they all go off as well to be recycled And then the rest will go to, well

We have one company that's like a mosaic company That comes and collects bits just to try and make something pretty out of something so smashed. You get all of our smashables from charities. So when you dump your old junk at the charity shop, and they can't sell it, where's it going to go? So we buy all of that off of them. So I think one charity alone, we gave over $37,000 to last year.

So by coming here, you're not just releasing your own energy. You're not just supporting a small business, but you're also supporting several charities as well. What sort of mosaic would you like with your face? I'd like a mosaic of us smashing stuff. Yeah, but in the middle of St Orban's. Yeah. Put planning him.

So after potentially creating a new piece of art with our rage, maybe that wasn't the only productive thing we'd done. Sure, we hadn't spoken about not seeing each other as we move around, but we had hung out more than we have in a while. So at the end of the day, I think all you can do is make an effort to travel to each other and do things, you know, keep messaging, checking in, keep those connections alive. And as I watched Stuart,

throw a porcelain depiction of E.R. from Winnie the Pooh into a flat screen TV while shouting about the staff at his local cinema, I remember thinking to myself, we're going to be all right. You only get out what you put in, unless it is a rage room, in which case whatever you put in,

does not come back out. Remember, moving house is the most stressful thing you can do besides losing a loved one. So my top tip, if you're moving house, kill a loved one just before. That way, the stress of that will take your mind off the stress of moving. And if you're listening to this while packing up boxes for a big move, just remember, before you go, you've got to check the dishwasher for chickpeas.

This has been Ian Smith, distressed. Good night! Restressed, written number four by Ian Smith, from Mike Shepherd and Rihanna. Was Benjamin Sutton, and it's a Daddy Super York production for BBC Radio. Thanks for listening to Comedy of the Week. If you want to hear more episodes of Ian Smith is stressed, you can search for it on BBC Sounds.

Could you talk about being invisible or double denim? Who knows what's next on the new series of Just a Minute? Belting out a rendition of Godabat. Whatever the topic, our panel has just a minute to speak without hesitation, deviation or repetition. Join Zoe Lyons, Desry Burch, Paul Merton, and many more for the new series of just a minute with me, Super Gifts. It's funny because it's true.

Listen on Radio 4, and the full box set is available now on BBC Sounds.