Comedy of the Week - John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme - 2024 Special

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

This year's show is all about the village John has moved into since last year's show - and the very big, collective decision that they made last night.Written and presented by ... John Finnemore Ensemble ... Margaret Cabourn-Smith Ensemble ... Simon Kane Ensemble ... Lawry Lewin Ensemble ... Carrie QuinlanOriginal music composed by ... Susannah Pearse Theme tune arranged by ... Susannah Pearse Theme tune performed by ... Susannah Pearse & Sally StaresStudio managers ... Chris Maclean & Jon Calver Sound design ... Rich Evans Production coordinator ... Katie Baum Executive producer ... Richard Morris Producer ... Ed MorrishAn EcoAudio certified production A BBC Studios Audio production

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. This is John Finnamore's Souvenir Programme 2024. We're doing one a year now, did I say? Hello, I'm John Finnamore. Welcome to the show. If you're wondering about the music, I asked Sue and Sally to do a slightly calmer version of the theme for us this year because I have an appalling hangover. And I mean, I love our normal theme. I really do. But today is not a day for trombones. Sorry, I know it's very unprofessional of me. We had a very big night in the village last night,

and it was the referendum result. Sorry, I should explain. I moved since the last time I did one of these last year. I've moved out of London back to Dorset, where I grew up. Not to the town I grew up. Those guys know too much. No, I've moved to a tiny, I think of it as a hamlet. Apparently it's not technically a hamlet because it's got a church.

But what it doesn't have is anything else at all. I mean, there's no pub, there's no shop. Oh, there's a dog grooming salon! I don't know why. If you want a loaf of bread in our village it's a 15 minute walk but if your selium's been draggled, bam! Doorstep service. I mean that said I've lived there nearly a year and I have never once seen a dog enter or leave that salon. This is a bit of a village mystery I gather. The salons run by a nice woman called Lindsay. Alan is divided as to whether she's running it as a tax dodge or a front for

something. So when I say Alan, the village is called Alan. I know, I'm so sorry. A village called Alan. You know, turn off the main road to Clive, if you get to Nigel you've gone too far. And's not even true the neighboring villages have perfectly nice normal villagey names. We live in Allen. It's actually spelt A L L W Y N but it's pronounced Allen. Not that everyone calls it that. People who've never heard of it naturally call it Orwin like it spelt and I cannot stress this enough nobody's heard of it there are people in the next village who haven't heard of it the next village is called Waterham by the way perfectly normal name although we call it the big smoke because it's

got a post box we dream of a post box in Allen we've got two roads and a really surprising number of paths, like dozens of paths. I've never seen somewhere with so few places to go and so many ways to get there. But there are people in Allen itself who prefer it to have a nice normal name, particularly since it looks like it already does. I mean myself personally, I know I'm a comedy writer but I prefer not to take my work home with me I'd rather not live in a village called Allen But I am not going to be the guy who moves from London to a tiny village and then tells them how to pronounce it

And also, you know in the village there are Allen loyalists who like being men and women of Allen. So what can you do? well Joy from the Forge organized a referendum. This was not an uncharacteristic move for Joy from the Forge. Joy from the Forge does not want to be the village leader. She's been very clear about that. The village don't particularly want Joy from the Forge to lead it. You'd think there would be an obvious solution to this that would satisfy both parties and yet somehow that's not what's happened. She's Joy from the Forge because when she moved to Allen years ago there was already another Joy who was, you know, not

from the Forge. That Joy died 14 years ago but by then Joy from the Forge had stuck. It does suit her somehow I think she does seek to spread joy and she does do so incredibly effortfully and she's not the only one with a name like that in the village there's also human Roo. Human Roo is 12 and when she and her mum moved to the village Roo was short for Ruby but there's already a Roo is 12 and when she and her mum moved to the village, Roo is short for Ruby, but

there's already a Roo. There's a dog called Roo. And I know we should go with dog Roo, but it's just we've known the dog for longer. And also Human Roo doesn't mind, in fact she likes it. She says it's good because it reminds us she might not be So Joy from the Forge set up a referendum about how to pronounce Alan's name and not only that she went on to chair the pro All win campaign group. I mean they took it very seriously. They worked out a slogan and everything eventually Alright, who'd like to go first? Okay, oh

We all win with all win. Erm, oh, I love that. Very nice. Only thing is though, we don't. We don't what? All win. Because it's literally a competition between two sides, the all win side and the all-in side.

Those guys do not win with all win, they lose. Right, but I'm saying we could all win with all win. You're Spurs, right? Yeah. We all win with Arsenal. OK, good. OK, so what's yours? All win for the win.

Oh, I love that. It's the same as mine. No, it's not. It's better. Does anyone have one that's not a pun on win? Lindsay. No, mine's totally a pun on win. Well, mine isn't. Here it is. We're all in.

Oh, I do love that. You like them all. No, no, no, but I actually love that one. Yeah, I don't mind that. We're all in. Right, but hang on. We're not all in. The choices are Adam and all win. Do we not think making our slogan a third pronunciation

that no one wants clouds the issue? How about we're all in for all win? I'll tell you how bad that is, Joy. Lindsay hasn't even said she loves it. No, no, no, I don't. Well, I tell you how bad that is, Joy. Lindsay hasn't even said she loves it. Well, I tell you what, I'll send them all off to Hunter, see which ones inspire him. Hunter is a friend of Joy's who works at a radio station and the Alwinistas were very excited about the idea of him doing a jingle for them. Although I don't think they got as far as thinking about what they would do with it if they got it.

It took him about six weeks to write the jingle. Well, I mean it took him about six minutes when he actually started, but it took six weeks of Joy's weekly assurances that there were absolutely no worries if he hadn't finished to make him start. And then he dashed something off and he sent it over. Well, I've got it. There were only two snacks. It's not exactly what we had in mind. Firstly, Hunter hadn't realised that these were three alternative slogans. He thought it was one long really bad slogan.

Hiya Joy, here's what I got. Hope you like it. Secondly, Hunter doesn't know what the jingle is for, but he has been to Joy's house. So he knows the word all win is pronounced Alan. That's not a thing you forget. And so... We're all in, cause we all win with Alan, Alan for the win. For the win! It's catchy. It is catchy. It's a weird catchy slogan for the other side.

I could ask him to do it again. She did. He said, sure, no problem. But it was a problem, so he didn't. But Lindsay's right. It is catchy. It's so catchy that everyone exposed to it that day in Joy's Kitchen has since been unwittingly turned into a double agent for the Alan Loyalists. Alan for the win.

That's Lindsay, by the way, from at the end, from Lindsay's dog grooming salon. Or whatever it's a front for. Seriously, it is a bit of a village mystery, it's not just me. There are only five dogs in the village. Only one of them gets groomed. It doesn't get groomed there. You're thinking what people probably bring their dogs in from all over the local area. That's not what people do. People don't bring their dogs from anywhere.

No dogs enter, no dogs leave. But the salon is open every day from 10 till 5. Except Wednesdays, which is early closing. Presum presumably so Lindsay can put her feet up and take a break from not grooming any of the non-dogs. Still I can't quite go with that it's a front argument fun though it is I mean it's a tiny place what's it gonna be a front for? A speakeasy? We couldn't keep the pub open yeah we had a pub or they had a pub finally closed in 2003 and it was eventually turned into two houses. Now the Cherries who bought the saloon bar and they rather liked the country pub look so they kept all the external

decor even repainted some of it repainted their half of the sign whereas Gareth who bought the public bar and he redecorated it entirely he replaced the windows painted over his half of the sign, generated all he could to make it look like a normal house. Which means the building now looks like it's having an identity crisis halfway through, or possibly is a AI rendering of the phrase public house. And it also means the cherries appear to live

in a pub called And Horses. The cherries and Gareth actually get on okay despite this. In fact they have a little tradition now. On April Fool's Day Gareth puts up a banner where his half of the sign used to be to make a new sign ending And Horses. This began in 2011 with... Only fools. Obviously.

Since then, we've had... The horse. And... It's raining cows. And last year, in smaller letters along the top of the banner... In just six lessons, I can teach you to... And in great big letters...

Unders... lessons I can teach you to and in great big letters UNDERST- oh and there was an early one he did this is actually an old joke um instead of completing the sign he put up an official looking notice board that read this sign is being repainted there was not enough space between coach and and and and and horses but that one didn't really work in the village. People didn't get it. And they kept asking him about it and he was annoyed. So, and he just took it down and put quotation marks between and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and

and that seemed to help. And inside and horses of course it doesn't look like a pub at all. The cherries stripped everything out inside it just looks like a normal house. This is how the cherries talk to one another. I bumped into Fran Calderon today. With you? She was at the bus today. With you? She was at the bus stop. With you? If you asked him, Stephen wouldn't know why he does this when his wife tells him about her day.

I wasn't at the bus stop, I was just walking past it. With you? But I know why, and I'll tell you. It's what he used to say on the phone at work, when he was receiving complicated, multi-part information and building up a picture to the point where he could say, at the end, Got it! And years ago, he tried using With You on Miriam to convey that he was respectfully giving her the benefit of the doubt

that her long story was building up to a point where he could say, Got it! In order to make her realize that it wasn't. Fran was waiting at it, I didn't realize it was her at first. With you. In this it spectacularly failed. But Stephen kept on saying it because it meant he didn't have to choose what to say. And Miriam likes it because it makes her feel Stephen is with her. Because you know that yellow Mac she always wears? No.

Stephen is too old a hand to be caught out by a question. You do, she's always wearing it, the yellow one. Well, mustard, not bright yellow, like kids' ones. Have you noticed how little kids' coats are all yellow now? No. Besides, he is listening. Oh yes, they used to be blue or red and now they're all yellow. Partly because he loves her, but also in case something like this happens. I suppose it's unisex, but what's wrong with green? Yellow stands out more for visibility.

Well it depends what it's up against. Naturally, and in this country what it's up against is often grass or bushes. No doubt in the Sahara desert, the children wear green coats. There aren't any children in the Sahara desert. Of course there are children in the Sahara desert. Not many, perhaps, but some. Well, even if there are, they don't need coats in the desert. Yes, they do.

Can get very cold in the desert once darkness falls. Once darkness falls? Yes. Once darkness falls? Yes. Once darkness falls, it doesn't matter what colour the children's coats are. Yes, fair enough. In fact, after dark, yellow will stand out better. Good. And this counts as one, yes? Oh, absolutely. Right. Miriam was correct that there's no reason to think children in the Sahara regions wear

green coats. Twenty years ago, a couples therapist suggested that for one week Stephen and Miriam should keep a record of every time they argued and what the outcome was. They've been doing it ever since. What does that bring us to? This week. 1610. The therapists did not say that they should record who won, nor that they should keep weekly, monthly and yearly score

sheets. That was all their idea. That's a strong lead. Plenty of time yet. But it does have this effect for 20 years now. Anyway, why are we talking about that? Because whatever they wear in the Sahara desert, children in the UK now wear yellow coats, which are brighter yellow than the mustard-back Frank Holdren always wears. Steven has been with her. But would you have something to tell me?

Yes, she wasn't wearing it. Ah! So I didn't know it was her. With you. So yes, the and horse's half of the building looks like a pub outside and a house inside. Whereas Gareth, the guy who repainted the outside of his half to make it look like a house, decided that he actually quite liked the pub decor inside. And he kept the public bum more or less exactly the way it was. He says it's a talking point when people come round.

Which they do. I was taken there myself quite soon after I moved in by my next door neighbour Vicky. Can I just reassure you, you don't have to remember these names. LAUGHTER OK? They're my neighbours. Remembering who they are, very much my problem, not yours. If some of them happen to stick with you, great. Otherwise, it's fine. Enjoy them as they go by. That said, this is Gareth.

Come in. Come in. Always welcome. Can I get you something to drink? Vicky? Well, if you have a red open. I believe we do. Marlowe, Rucker or Malbec? Malbec, please. And get you something to drink? Vicky? Well, if you have a red open. I believe we do. Merle, Rucker or Malbec? Malbec, please. And for you, young man? Gareth calls all men over about 40, young man. And also, all boys under about 16.

The only males he doesn't call young man are young men. They don't like it. What if you had something like an IPA? I think we can rustle one up. Where are we? Gareth's kept the pumps. They're a bit of fun, aren't they? I mean, you have to clean the taps and maintain the line and change the barrels.

It's a bit of fun. And it was fun. It was a very nice evening. Although I did make a mistake at the end of it. So, what do I owe you? Hmm? Owe me? Oh, not a thing, young man. No, I did make a mistake at the end of it. So, what do I owe you? Owe me? Oh, not a thing, young man. Not one thing in the world. It was a pleasure to entertain you in my home. Oh, I'm so sorry.

I just assumed it. Now, would anyone like a raffle ticket? Yeah. What's the prize this time? My cat. Oh, well. I do like your cat. Of course you do.

She's a little treasure, ain't she? Now, now's your chance to win. How many shall I put you down for? Er, well, how many would you suggest? I'd say, between the two of you, 22, 50, beg your pardon, 22 and a half. Oh, call it 25. Have two and a half tickets for yourself. Oh, you're a gent, young man. Turns out I was wrong before. Alan couldn't support a pub.

But it can support a speakeasy. And a church, just about, as I say. Alan's tiny ancient church, St. Alan's, is still going... no, no, no, obviously not, it's St. Thomas's. It should be St. Alan's. It's still in use. It's 600 years old, it's still, well it's not going strong, but it's still going, almost entirely thanks to Joy from the Forge Who has persuaded the local benefits to include it in their round and provide it with a service once a month led by a team of rotating vickers

Sorry, I've made that sound a lot more exciting than it actually is Yeah, Joy wouldn't have any trouble filling the church if it was led by a team of rotating vickers. But she does have trouble and the trouble she has comes from two sources. One is Michael Cope, who is a recently retired energy conservation officer, who in retirement has energy to burn, and is spending some of it on trying to get St. Thomas's deconsecrated and turned into a community centre. Joy's point is... It is in fact already a community centre and it has been for 600 years. Michael's point is... Yes, but the specific community it serves are the seven people in Allen who think Jesus is magic, of whom two go to a different church because they think Jesus is a different type of magic.

Not at all! No, everyone is welcome to the church of any faith and none. Perhaps, but they're only welcome to do one extremely specific thing, a thing which, and I take no pleasure in saying this, almost no one in the village wants to do. Michael does in fact perhaps take a small amount of pleasure in saying this. But he's not wrong, and this is the source of Joy's other main opposition in keeping the church going, the church. The benefits is sympathetic of course they are but they are always overstretched and well the Rev Janet has intimated to Joy that if the congregation should dwindle much below the present five she and Joy will have

to have a difficult conversation. This means that Joy is basically living an ecclesiastical version of the film Speed. And she's worried about Mercy because Mercy Lake is 85 and she doesn't like to come to church if it's too cold or too wet or too windy or too hot and on Sundays when it's none of those things Mercy quite often finds herself thinking it's a shame to be indoors on a lovely day like this and says her prayers in the garden Mercy is the matriarch or perhaps the Dowager of one of the two farms in Allen, a Staveaker

farm to the south. The other one, Arkady farm to the north, is still a traditional mixed arable and livestock farm run the same way it's always been run. This means that the view to the north of the village is picturesque fields of wheat and sheep grazing in pasture. It also means the farm makes a huge loss every year and surely can't see out the decade. It's run by a guy called Sonny Jim. I know he's 74 he's called Sonny Jim because of something that happened with a cereal box when he was five which he has forgotten. Nonetheless he is always called Sonny Jim, his real name is Matthew. And he's interesting because he's definitely not posh. There's no real definition of posh that can meaningfully include him. He went to the

village school in the, you know, big smoke out the road. He left illegally aged 12. He's done hard manual labor almost every day of his life since. However, the teals have been farming here for 500 years or something, and for 74 of those years, Jim has either been farmer teal's oldest son or farmer teal. And that means that there's something about his manner that skips right over Posh and goes straight to King. Hey, hey, you In the yellow! Hey! Hello.

Are you walking St Michael's Way? I'm walking this path. Ah well then, yes you are. Well look, once you get past the mill it goes through my land. Oh, you don't want our shoes? Oh no no no no no, go ahead. It's a permissive bridal way and I permit it. No, you have at it. It's your God-given right as a... well not an Englishman by the chance of it, but whatever you are. I am... I am Swedish. Oh, whatever you are. your God-given right as a... well, not an Englishman by the sides of it, but whatever you are. I am Swedish.

Oh, whatever you are. Your God-given right as a Swedishman. No, no, no. I just wanted to... the cows will follow you. The cows will? That's it. They will. Oh, they absolutely will. All right, oh, carry on. No, no, but the cows will... what will they do? They'll follow you. This is it. This is what I'm saying. They'll follow you, because you're a tolerably big feller. I'm a tolerably big feller and the cows are bloody idiots, pardon me. Cows will say, oh look, tolerably big feller, must be the boss come to take us home even

though I've only just bloody well brought him out. Cows will say, I know, let's follow him like a bunch of absolute prize arseholes, pardon me. So is there another way I can... Oh no, no, no, no, no, go that way for goodness sake. I mean good Lord, screw the cows. That is for you, says him right, the fat heads. Much could may it do them. No no no no, all I'm saying is don't run. Run?

Run, yes, don't. Every so often some chump gets spooked, starts running. Like what, cows can't run. Cows can run, cows will run. Cows will say, oh look boss is running. Here's one, let's run too. And even that's fine. It's just that if you were to stop,

slip over or whatnot, well cows will stop too, but hell of a lot of a nurture in a cow. Well by the time cows have properly stopped, it's five cows later. That's never happened mind you, I'm just saying don't let it. Drill it. You cross fields, cows follow like under birks, you ignore cows, think beautiful Swedish thoughts, don't run. Eventually climb over style, cows baffled, Sweden triumphant, all's well with the world. But don't run, all clear. Got it? Right, okay,

on! Anyway, Staveacre Farm, where Mercy's from, that was run much the same way until 2009 when Ben and Jen, who run the farm now, desperate after a year of the global financial crisis, they went into partnership with Amit Balmik, who is a farm rescue expert from Bangladesh. And between them, the three of them decided to divide every acre of their farmland between polytunnels and solar panels. And so this means that the view to the south of the village is less than picturesque fields of ridged white plastic

and dazzling metal panels. The village, as you can imagine, hated this idea. Joy organized a referendum. There is a referendum most years in Allen. This one was a landslide, 85% against the change to usage. Ben Lake attended the result and he actually made a concession speech. Well look, I can't pretend it's a result I was hoping for.

It's a big defeat, let's not deny it. Just to be clear, we won't be doing it anyway. Because, three points, number one, best will in the world, it's none of your business. It's our farm and we're farming it. Number two, if you think it is your business, which it's not, see one,

then I suppose you could campaign against it. But just so you're aware, I've got all the permits, all the licenses, and also the things you'd be protesting about are cheap renewable energy and fruit. And number three, all village residents can have literally all the strawberries they want for free forever. These arguments proved surprisingly effective. Especially one of them. And neither of the others.

Only once the small prints have been worked out. But you don't mean literally all the strawberries. I basically do. I mean obviously don't take the piss. Oh, so there is a limit? mean, obviously don't take the piss. Oh, so there is a limit? And how do we know what the piss is? OK, Joy, for you, there isn't a limit. You won't take the piss.

You're just not capable of it. And the, what, three people in the village who might take the piss know perfectly well what the piss is. Don't they, Danny? I don't know, mate. Give me their names and I'll ask them. That's Dan Gilman. People are often a bit hazy about exactly what Dan does for a living, particularly if he's just explained it to them. It went ahead and it was a huge success, kind of turned the fortunes of the farm round,

and so now Amit and his wife Sayani and their kids they moved over from Bangladesh. They shared the farmhouse with Ben and Jen and Mercy and a constant stream of seasonal farm workers, one of whom is actually there as a carer for Mercy, although Mercy doesn't know that. And for God's sake don't tell her. She thinks they're just unusually helpful. Oh don't worry about clearing that thinks they're just unusually helpful. Oh don't worry about clearing that dear, you've got work to do. It's no problem to me, nothing to do. Look it's cloudy. That's not how solar panel maintenance works. On sunny days Carl helps Mercy because it's too hot to pick fruit.

That's not how fruit picking works either. Although fruit picking is a lot less grim than it used to be, or at least is on this farm. I mean it's very hot on fair working practices, the workers have proper accommodation, reasonable pay, conditions and Helena, their coordinator, knows and fully accepts that she can't just scream and shout at them anymore. She's found a workaround though, which is to scream and shout at the workers who were here last year. Okay, so good morning team, my first day, very exciting and wow you look good guys.

I can tell you're going to be super good team this year. Not like last year. My God, those guys. I would not let one of them come back, not one. Oh please, Helena, give us one more chance. We've learned so much. I say no. No more chance for you. You're lazy, you're sneaky, you're unreliable and you just won't fit in with next year's guys who I can already see from the applications. Look super nice. Amit Balmik went to agricultural college in the UK and so he and his young kids are fluently

bilingual. His wife Sianni, however, had never left Bangladesh before they emigrated and she's finding learning English hard going. Once a week, therefore, she meets up for an hour and a half's two-way conversation lesson with 16-year-old Dylan Flecker Taylor. That at least is what's supposed to happen. But this plan was very much conceived and arranged by Amit on one side and Dylan's mum Hayley on the other, who felt conversational Bengali was an eye-catching way to end a UCAS form. There wasn't perhaps enough consultation with Sayianni and Dylan who are in different

ways both very shy people and found the first couple of sessions unbearably embarrassing. So what they do now, every week, behind Dylan's locked door for an hour and a half, is play Minecraft together. And companionable, but nonetheless total silence. Dylan is building a vast floating marble city. Sianni hunts for food to provision it during the day, and kills monsters in it by night. Sianni's English is steadily improving nonetheless,

because she's totally immersed in an English speaking community. Dylan's Bengali, on the the other hand is embryonic. Dylan Flecker Taylor's mum Hayley supplied both the Flecker element and Dylan himself to the household. His step-mum Shona supplied the tailor and his brother Alex. Your girl. There's a full thing of fish fingers in the freezer. What's that one? Archaeopteryx. There's a forcing of fish fingers in the freezer and Chilisaurus. Melody can Alex sit on Tuesday.

Oh, fantastic. You like Melody, don't you? I like Melody, don't I? Great! Oh, will it be dark by eight? Shona, you might have to park for her. Park for her? What do you mean? Melody can't park in the dark. Can't park in the dark?

Oh, I know. I don't see why she can't park in the dark. Well, I know. I don't see why she can't park in the dark. Well, nor do I, but I mean, she's got lights. Well, of course she's got lights, but look, if she can Alex it on Tuesday, you can give a piggyback home if she wants one. No, sure. I mean... No, Alex, what are you doing? No, no, no, Alex, no, no, no. Please, please, don't. There's a full thing of fish fingers in the freezer. Show no help, there's a full thing of fish fingers in the freezer. Sometimes if you don't like new ones and you're really quick,

you can divert it with an old one. And all at once the trees were full of silvery marmosets. And all at once the trees were full of silvery marmosets. Let's see what she's got. No, it's in the playlist now. I see why she calls me. No, it's in the playlist now. I should have bought this one. No, but Melody will, she's sensitive about it. Well, so she should be. Of course she can park in the dark.

Don't repeat it. It was in the playlist. It's been pretty much top of Alex's playlist ever since. But actually, Melody didn't mind. She's a sensible woman. you know, before dusk. Although she could have done without the level of village celebrity that it brought her. Morning, Hayley.

Hi, Jim, this is my friend, Melody. Oh, Melody can't park in the dark. I can, I just. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I just meant, is it you from the song? No, no, no, no, no, she's some. Yes from the song? No no no no no she's um yes hi Oh I love that song very pleased to meet you. You carry on, park wherever you like. Park in the dark, don't see me play

He does, Sonny Jim for some reason really loved that song. That night he even put it in his busy book. Also when Sonny Jim was at school, the village school I mentioned, it's been the 50s I suppose, there was a period mid-afternoon when the whole class did their busy books while Mrs. Morpeth stood outside the door and smoked two cigarettes. Busy books, Mrs. Morpeth said, weren't diaries they were for writing anything you'd learned that day, anything you'd heard that had inspired you, anything you may wish to remember. Jim's first ever entry was,

When he got home he showed this to his mum, who showed it to his dad, who went out and checked home field and found the poisonous weeds the horses were eating. When he came back he gave Jim sixpence and said that's what I call a farm boy. And that was basically the best day of Jim's life. And he's had a happy life. Now Jim's a fast learner and a slow stopper and he has done his busy book every day since. He's now got 450 volumes in his archive and he's got 40 that are still live because while he only puts in one or two things a day he often has to put them in several times over in different places. Today, for instance, his entry is... Ben says his Yamaha 125's the best bike he's ever had, if you don't mind them thirsty.

Opinion, source, Ben. Now, this goes in obviously under Yamaha, which has 14 previous entries, the last of which was... That Yamaha logo, the spiky one, when you look at it, it's three tuning forks. Turns out it's because they started out making pianos. And they still do. Fact. Source. Me looking at Teigen's quad bike and Wikipedia.

But the same thing also goes in under motorbikes. 54 entries, the last of which was Daffod Howman reckons three different motorbike delivery guys came round Lindsay's dog place yesterday What are they bringing then? not dogs Dog cleaning stuff, but why if no dogs Drugs? What's a meth lab? Could it be one of them?

Update. Wikipedia did. Probably not. Query. Source daffodil. And finally, it goes in again under Ben 506 entries the last of which was Ben says he can't stand looking at little things fitting in holes Makes his skin crawl this came up in the horseless in Ray Amit was putting peanuts in hula hoops and Ben says will you stop?

Says he's always had it says his worst was when his kid put marbles in the finger bits in his bowling ball. Fat, I suppose, if he says so. Source, Ben. Memo, present idea? Clean up one of them seed trays from the allotment shed, fill it with Maltesers. Oh, I can explain the motorbike visits

to the dog grooming salon by the way. The thing is, Lindsay's dog grooming salon is a front. Yeah, what is a front for is a cake decorating business. That's what the motorcycles come to collect rather than dog cleaning stuff or crystal meth. Yeah, that is what the salons a front, as in that's what's behind the front. What you have to consider is what's in front of the front, being fronted off from the back by the front. And that is Lindsay's mother.

So when Lindsay's husband Mike left her in 2010, Lindsay made it very clear that whatever else happened, she wanted custody of the children. And Mike made it very clear that whatever else happened, that's what he wanted too. When the dust settled, to the extent that it ever did, Lindsay's mother, via WhatsApp, wondered if Lindsay should get herself a little job. Kiss kiss. Lindsay felt that now she was raising two children on her own, she'd got herself quite a big job. But Lindsay's mother...

Felt sure Lindsay wouldn't want to live on Michael's money, Kiss Kiss. Lindsay wasn't sure the money it took to feed and clothe Mike's children was entirely Mike's money. But Lindsay's mother... Felt it might help with Lindsay's whole, you know, self-respect if she got a little job. Kiss kiss. Lindsay felt it might help with her whole, you know, self-respect if her mother got a little job. Perhaps on the International Space Station. However, the divorce had given her a lump sum.

And there was one thing she'd always been good at, and that she'd sometimes thought she could turn into a nice little side business and that was cake decoration. Lindsay's mother wasn't sure that was a good idea. Kiss kiss. Lindsay's mother wondered if that wasn't playing with fire. Kiss kiss. Lindsay's mother didn't see the sense in putting yourself in temptation's way. Kiss kiss. Lindsay is a plus-size woman and she would be the second person in the world to acknowledge that she has some issues with food. The identity of the first will not astonish you.

Kiss kiss. Anyway after this little exchange Lindsay never mentioned the idea of starting a cake decorating business to her mum again. But she did do it. She found a house, as it turned out in Alan, that already had a licence to run a business, and then she just never changed the signs. The advertising and orders are all done online, the cake deliveries are done by the motorbikes, and you'd think, well what will happen when Lindsay's mother comes to visit?

And it's just such a shame about her dog allergy. She works at it you can even if you insist buy dog shampoo over the counter she's got a box specially but in the back what Lindsay's doing is working on very high-end very expensive and very popular cakes. She's won an award. She's very successful at it. And the sad thing is that the thing that was bothering Lindsay's mother, that Lindsay would somehow find herself unable to both decorate cakes and not simultaneously eat them, is that Lindsay prides herself on using only the best ingredients. It would make absolutely no economic sense to

snack on her own stock, as her mother fears. So what she actually uses for that are Kipling's country slices, which are much cheaper and not very nice. But they work, they do the job, they keep her fueled while she makes, ironically, exceedingly good cakes. exceedingly good cakes. So anyway why was I telling you this? Because Lindsay's cake business poses as a dog grooming salon, series about which entertains Sonny Jim who likes the melody Can't Park in the Dark song invented by Alex whose brother Dylan does not in fact have conversation classes with Seyani Who helped save the farm that used to belong to Mercy whose non attendance at Church Worrying's Joy

Who organized a referendum on the pronunciation of Alan which was held last night, which is why you have a hangover As I say not many places to go but lots of ways to get there. So, yesterday was the day of the big Alwyn Allen name referendum. We held it in Gareth's back garden, the big one, where Gareth keeps his extensive collection of trestle tables. He's a man of many hobbies. Voter turnout was huge. Enormous engagement.

93.75% of eligible voters were there. Or to put it another way, Ben was away. Ladies and gentlemen, by the powers vested in me by hitting this glass with a spoon, I can now hereby announce that Alan has spoken. And what it said is, it doesn't want to be called Alan anymore. I'm sorry to say it as an Alan loyalist myself, but the all-ministers have won by a single vote. And let me take this opportunity to say, welcome to the village, John. Oh! Reassuring to have someone down from London to tell us how to say.

Damn it! Therefore, from this moment forward, Alan is officially pronounced Alwyn. Hooray! So, do we all have to call it that? Of course not, young man. you can call it what you like. Yes I think that was the moment we all realised on both sides that this was true and that the word officially in the referendum was meaningless. Places aren't officially pronounced anything, they're just pronounced. So the current state of play in my village

is that it's spelt Alwyn, and officially pronounced, as of yesterday, Alwyn. But it's called Alan. I think that mutual realisation is what made the rest of the evening go with such a swing. That and Gareth's raffle tickets being half price. That definitely helped. And if you're wondering how come I know quite so much about my new neighbors, I can't really tell you. Who knows? It is possible I may

have speculated here and there. On the other hand you do pick things up in a village. You know things go round and some of them stick. Sometimes you don't even know how you know what you know. For instance, Ben's never spoken to Alex or Melody so he has no idea why sometimes in the bath he finds himself singing... Melody can't park in the dark, can't park in the dark, don't see why she can't park in the dark. Now Shona could tell him. But what Shona couldn't tell you is why in the car she sometimes sings... We're all in, cos we all win with Alan, Alan for the win.

We're all in, cos we all win with Alan Alan for the win Melody can't park in the dark Cos we all win with Alan Alan for the win Melody can't park in the dark Can't park in the dark Don't see why she can't park in the dark Melody can't park in the dark

Cos we all win with Alan. Alan for the win. Melody can't park in the dark. We're all in. Good, we all win with Alan. Alan for the win. Melody can't park in the dark. Come park in the dark.

Don't see why she can't park in the dark. Melody can't park in the dark. Can't park in the dark. Melody can't park in the dark. Can't park in the dark. Don't see why she can't park in the dark. APPLAUSE John Finnemore's souvenir program was written and performed by John Finnemore. With you. With you. With you.

With you. With you. With you. With you. With you. Got it. Susanna Pierce with Sally Stass. With you. The producer was Ed Marsh and it was the BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. Got it. Thanks for listening to the Comedy of the Week podcast from BBC Radio 4. If you want

more check out the Friday Night Comedy podcast, featuring The News Quiz and Dead Ringers. I'm Dr Michael Moseley and I want to let you know about my new immersive BBC Radio 4 podcast series, Deep Calm. It's all about how to tap into and activate a remarkable system that we all have, hardwired inside of us, our relaxation response. And it's been developed to be listened to at any time you want to really unwind. We'll discover simple, powerful, scientifically proven techniques to activate this relaxation response and encounter incredible mechanisms that work to help you rest, restore

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