Comedy of the Week - John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme: 2025 Special

Episode Date: September 15, 2025

2025's instalment of John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme is forty-five minutes of the funniest things John thought of in the last year, performed by John and his regular cast of Margaret Cabourn-Smith, Simon Kane, Lawry Lewin and Carrie Quinlan, with composer Susannah Pearse at the piano and Sally Stares on the cello.Please note that listening to these sketches about seahorses, time travel and sirens may cause side effects, unless you're listening to the placebo version of the show.Written and performed by … John Finnemore Ensemble … Margaret Cabourn-Smith Ensemble … Simon Kane Ensemble … Lawry Lewin Ensemble … Carrie QuinlanOriginal music … Susannah Pearse Piano … Susannah Pearse Cello … Sally StaresRecording … Jerry Peal & Jon Calver Editing … Rich EvansProduction Manager … Katie Baum Executive Producer … Richard MorrisProducer … Ed MorrishJohn Finnemore’s Souvenir Programme is a BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

This is John Pinnamour's Suvenit Frontdown! So the pills you'll be taking may be the real drug or they may be the placebo. Right, and do you tell me which or not? Oh, it depends which group you're in. You see, because this study is looking into the placebo effect itself, It's a little more complicated than usual I'll take you through the groups Group A get the real drug and are told so

Group B get the placebo and are told so Group C get the real drug but are not told which it is Group D get the placebo and are not told which it is Group E get the real drug but are told it's the placebo and group F get the placebo but I told it's the real drug Right well that's certainly rigorous Hang on.

Group G is a double-blind study. We don't know which one we're giving you. In group H, we also don't know, but we tell you it's the real drug. In group I, we don't know, but we tell you it's the placebo. So? In group J? We don't know, but we tell you that we do know

and that we're not telling you. So in some... Now we get to the interesting ones. In groups A and L, we don't know which you're getting. but you do. You have a choice of the real drug or the placebo and we only find out afterwards which one you chose. And in groups M and N, we tell you that's what's happening

but in fact both choices you're offered are M, the real drugs and N, the placebos. So? Yes. Which group am I in? Ah, I can't tell you that, but these are the pills. And what I can tell you is that I know what they are, but I'm not telling you. which means you are in one of groups C, D, J, T or U. I thought the groups only went up to N.

Yeah, the thing is, there are some groups we can't tell you about without disqualifying you from the group. Is it ethical to put me in a group without telling me what it is? That's one of the things we hope to find out. Any more questions? Because I do have quite a lot of subjects to... Yes, just one. What's the real drug?

I'm sorry? In lots of these groups, you're saying instead of the placebo, would give you the real drug. What real drug? Madam, this is a study at the nature of the placebo effect. It would be highly unethical to give you a real drug you don't need.

So the real drug is a placebo. No, no, no. The placebo is the placebo. The drug is a sugar pill. What's the placebo made of? What's you doing? Reassigning you into one of the double-letter groups.

Same as the first 21. except for subjects who have worked out that all the pills are placebos. Don't worry, it still gives us valuable date enough. Please go. You can take the first pill in reception. Subject 421 entered into group B-H-T-X. Not told what the pills are, told we know, we do know, believes all pills to be placebos, given real drug, not told purpose of real drug.

Oh my God, I can fly! Early indicators are promising. Think transport museums are just a load of all trains and buses? Well, think again. They can be all so much more. But then, think through a third time, because ours isn't. Mulligan's Transport Museum is just a load of all trains and buses. Because after years and years of putting other stuff in,

in a doomed attempt to get people who aren't that into all trains and buses to come along, we finally accepted they're never going to do that. So now, it's just all trains and buses. There's no multimedia treasure hunt. There's no playground. There's barely even a cafe. But what there is, there's an absolute shedload of all trains and buses. No playground, I hear you ask,

but isn't there anything for the children? Yes. There are all trains and buses for the children. Children love all trains and buses. At least some of them do. If yours aren't that sort, for God's sake, don't bring them here. They'll hate it. Come to Mulligan's Transport Museum

if and only if you love one or more of the following things. All trains. All buses. Someone who loves old trains and buses. And for whom you're prepared to be bored for a day to watch them being happy. Mulligan's Transport Museum. Fun for one of the family.

See those stars? Which ones? Those like four or five round that bright one and those four over there and that one on its own. I mean, sure, those are some of the stars I can see. Right. Don't you think they look a bit like a scorpion? No.

No, but you haven't looked yet. I have. I'm looking at them right now. They don't look anything like a scorpion. So, the main group is its body. Just a group of stars. And the other four are the tail. Another group of stars, unrelated to the first. And the one on its own...

It's just one of the stars. ...is his claw. And... Stop it. Look, I'm saying this as a friend. It doesn't look anything like a scorpion. I'm not going to... pretend it does to please you, you have to accept

that almost none of the stars look like anything. Right, but the plough... You know I'll never take the plough away from it. Okay, the plow is amazing. The night you said, look at those seven stars, don't they look like a plow? And we looked, and they really did.

And they still do. That was a great night, but you have to stop chasing that high. We've looked and we've looked, and there just aren't any others. But what about the hunter? You said you could see the hunter. The belt is good.

You know, the three stars close together? They look... Well, they look like a line, but... Sure, the line could be a belt, but the rest of the hunter... Not really. Wait, it's not just a hunter. It's Orion the Hunter.

Oh, what are Orion? From the hut next door. Yeah, look. Oh, my God, it is! Oh, it's a... spit of him with his tiny head and his one massive long arm it's weird

bendy short legs wow hey Orion come out and look there's a picture of you in the sky good morning madam good morning so exotic meats oh you saw the sign yes we got all the usual as well but we do

specialise in the unusual what sort of things depends on availability We've usually got ostrich, a wild boar, sometimes wallaby. And then if you're lucky, we might have something a bit rarer. I've got some crocodile tail stakes at the moment, and I'm hoping for Impala by the end of the week. Do you do tiger? Tiger? No.

No, I'm afraid not, nothing quite that exotic. And it's all above board, is it? All, you know, ethically sourced and all that? Oh, God, yes, absolutely. No, we pride ourselves on that. So you've got, you know, certificates and permits and supply you? chain traces and so on. Oh, yeah, for days.

You can't survive in this business without them. Can I see them? Well, not really, no. No offence, but obviously they reveal trade secrets. I can't just show them to any customer who walks in off the street. Oh, I'm not a customer. Sorry. Aren't you? No.

No, I'm vegetarian, as it happens. Right. So... No, I'm from over the road. Oh, right. The safari park. Yeah. Good to meet you.

You too. Big fan of your work. Yeah, we know. What do you mean by that? Well, you've got a season pass, haven't you? I have. Anything wrong with that? No, not at all. We encourage it. Only, how do you know?

No, I do, though, because I've got a sort of a feeling it's in my wife's name, isn't it? Yeah, but your van is fairly distinctive. Look, that's the vehicle I operate, okay? If I had a car, I'd bring the car. At the moment, the vehicle I have on the road is my van. Your refrigerated van. My refrigerated van, yes, look, if you've got something you want to accuse me of, why don't you just come out and say it?

Acuse you of? What do you mean accuse? Oh, I see. Oh, God, no, no, no, no, no, that never cross me. trust our minds. I mean, we've got security cameras, we do stock takes. No, oh, nothing like that. Wow. I'm so sorry you thought that. Oh, well, okay. Um, so what are you here for then? Well, didn't I make it obvious? I did ask if you sold Tiger. I told you. No, we don't. Right, but um, the thing is, we had a bit of a tragedy over at ours this morning. You know, would you like to? Uh, John?

Hi, Laurie. Sorry, just checking. Are these just a load of unconnected sketches? Yeah, that's right, yeah. Right, they're not like all about people in your village or all, like, one family going backwards in time for five episodes and then dropping about all over the place for the last one? No, no, simple and elegant, though, that sounds.

I know, this time it's just 45 minutes of the funniest things I can think of, one after another and then it stops. Like we did two years ago and two years before that. Right. You know, it's quite confusing that you sometimes do a big high concept thing and then you sometimes don't do that? Yeah, I do. Also, annoying.

Yeah, so can you just pick one and stick with it? No. Now, you see, what happens is, Laurie, the year after I've just done a load of unconnected sketches, I think, God, it's hard coming up with loads of new ideas. Maybe I'll do one big idea next time And then the year after I've done one big idea I think, God, it's hard doing one big idea

I just want to do a bunch of sketches next time Oh, so are we going to alternate them from now on then? Yeah, maybe. Unless we don't. Okay, and are we still going to do all those meta bits? No, no, I've given those up. Yeah, this is just an actual conversation we're having. That's why there's no script.

Oh, yeah, go. Greetings, fellow underlanders and welcome. May there always be potatoes. And now and then an egg. Amen to that. Once again we come together in the safety of our underland fastness to give thanks for our good fortune. For we are an underland people.

We always have been, probably. The overground is not for us, it is for the overgrounders. The clue is in the name. ain't that the truth and gratefully we give thanks to the overlanders for yet another week in which none of us have been killed at all because none of us have tried to go up

through the trapdoor or is it not written in the book of Blighton chapter 10 famous five oh Julian I don't like the look at that trapdoor not one bit blessed the Anne

wisest of the five she is always scared and rightly so. I'll enter that. And like Anne, we rightly recoil from the trap door, for a great and unknown peril lies beyond it, and the overlanders, in their infinite mercy,

would rather slay us themselves than let us encounter it. The trapdoor is not for us. Just leave it the hell alone. Now, I know that there are some amongst you who question the benevolence of the overlanders, those who whisper that perhaps they are not

our guardians, but are themselves, there are vicious oppressors. To those people, my message is simple and clear. Yes, that's also one of the options. We simply have no way of knowing. Now, like many, I choose to believe that they are our devoted guardians because that just makes me feel better

about the whole situation. Just as it pleases me to associate our praising them in song once a week with us occasionally getting an egg. But I acknowledge that roughly half of you devoutly believe but they are our mortal enemies and honestly, I could not

respect that point of view more, short of actually agreeing with it. But the vital thing is that we unite against our common enemy slash come together to honour our protectors. Or is it not written? In the book of

Blighton, chapter four, famous five, we shan't get anywhere by squabbling amongst ourselves like a lot of silly kids. Blessed be Julian, bossiest of the five. Because sometimes you need a bit of that. Ain't that the truth? And now, before our Sunday feast of Jackie Potato,

mash and chips, let us unite our voices in our most inclusive hymn slash war cry. Mrs. Julian, if you're ready. All wise protectors of the overground, do do, do, slash vicious tyrants of the sky. Do do, do.

Love slash loathe you here below the ground Do-de-do Delete all terms which don't apply Do-de-do-do-do-do-do-do-do We are united in the underland By faith Slash faithlessness the same Do-da-do

Your ways we cannot hope to understand Do-D-D-Doh So we just praise Flash curse your name We briefly interrupt this song To point out either might be wrong And if that is the case Of course we're glad

Slash sad If our beliefs are incorrect Please disregard our disrespect Contrary wise if we're mistaken We retract our adulation Till then with joy we hail our overlords Do-de-do Except for those who hate you

your guts. Do, do, do. Your clouds of glory leave us overawed. Do, de, do. Your reign of terror drives us nuts. Do, do, do, do do, do do, do, do do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do do, do, do do, do, do do, do do, do do, do do, do do, do do, do do. Well, since you asked me what I'm doing here so early.

I just fancied seeing what the middle of the show was like for a change. Pop-nobbing with all the shopkeepers and talking animals. And since you have to... further ask me what I do, like, what's my actual job? No, no, don't just start another story. Tell me how you make a living. Perhaps this story will explain. You may remember that I first encountered time travel back in series five. Or, you may remember, I first encountered it in a special for 2031, depending on your direction of travel. But before, stroke after, both of these occasions, I encountered it for the first time.

My story begins, then, one drear November night, when I was alone in my study hard at work on my latest invention. A time machine. I got the big round bit on the back and the armchair in the middle, and I was just wondering if it would need any other bits, and if so, what there were, when the air seemed to shimmer in front of me, and of a sudden, their flickered into existence before my eyes, a time machine.

There was the round bit at the back. There was the armchair in the middle. There was the spinny clock at the front. Oh, of course, a spinny clock. But what riveted the eye was the figure who graced that armchair. No, fastie, bewiskered old time traveller this. But a vision of loveliness, nay, of human perfection.

Ah, finemal. It is I. Finamore. Me? Yes, of course you. But then who am I? Well, you too. We're both you. And me. Prove it.

What do you mean, prove it? For goodness sake, I'm used to get a... this from everyone else I meet, but you're literally in the act of building a time machine. How surprising could this possibly be? Prove it, I say, before I am forced to thump you

in your beautiful, beautiful face. Oh, very well. Said the gorgeous stranger, hurriedly rifling his pockets. Uh, look, here's our official club ball license. Here is a gold watch our uncle gave us for our 21st birthday inscribed the only time machine

you'll ever need. Brackets, I'm saying, for God's sake, don't try to build one I did and that's 20 years of my life I'm never getting back ironically then you are my future self I breathed returned

to teach me what I need to complete our machine far from it I'm here to command you to stop working on it many lives depend on it oh my god why do I go back into the past and change something insignificant no you go into the far future and the humans have evolved into two races

and you I don't want to be offensive for no more but frankly, you behave like an utter dick. And I am determined to stop it from happening. At least, let me try to convince you. Go save your breath, said I. I've heard it all before. Before? Naturally, this is not the first time this has happened

and it won't be the last. This was true. It was the 45th time. And it was to be the anti-pen, anti-pen, anti-pen ultimate. Although I didn't know that then. At every possible stage of my work on this machine, from the hammering out to the big round thing to the looking around for an armchair,

you have popped up with the same old arguments. What? No, I haven't. Ask yourself, when you were building this machine, as I am now, do you remember you ever visiting you? Why, no. Not once, but how is that possible? Quite simple, my dear fellow, because it never happened. Never happened? It's happening now. Indeed, but consider what might prevent it from happening.

You mean you plan to travel into your future but my past and kill me before I can deliver this warning. No. No, that would be a little over-elaborate even for me. No, all I'm going to do is simply stop building the time machine. You monster! Take a moment to remember what it is you came here

to demand I do. Oh, yes. But then why this sudden change of heart? My dear chap, because you convinced me. Did I? Naturally, you did. There's no one whose opinion I respect more than my own. Now, if you say building the machine leads to some awful disaster, I believe you. I wouldn't dream of finishing the thing now. In fact, I concluded

laying down my spanner. I hereby stop all work on my machine now. My dear fellow, I can that my visitor said before ceasing to exist. I was sorry to see him go. I always was. But I consoled myself picking up the spanner to recommence work on my time machine. There'd be another one along in a minute. Ah, Pinnemal. Thank heavens I've in time. Who are you, strange visitor. Who do you think I am? I'm you. Well, prove it. You seem oddly skeptical for a man who's right now building her time machine, but very well, here is our club ball

license, here is the gold watch, our uncle gave us inscribed... Yes, yes, I know the inscription. Put it with the others. I don't remember us having a huge pile of gold watches. Things were rather different in your day. Anyway, well done, you've convinced me. What? I haven't even told you why I'm here.

Oh, that's true, yes. Would you like me to stop building this time machine? Yes! All right. Thank you, huh. Bye. All that was many years ago. And those many years, I traveled the normal way, as my uncle so wisely advised me to do on all of his watches. Because I never did finish that machine, and I never will.

But even now, every so often, when I feel I need a little company or a little gold, I'll go into my workshop and work on it for a bit. It's not a terribly noble way of making... a living, I suppose. But the hours are light, the pay is excellent, and you get to meet such interesting people. Good night. Alas, sir, it was a noble effort,

but I fear the time has come for us to face the facts bravely. This particular jacket has been designed for a rather less generously proportioned, sir. Sir is a more bountiful gentleman, a fuller-figured, sir. Sir will be wanting our rotundity department upstairs, where we are better able to cater for the ample needs of the more spherical fellow. There I make so bold as to promise even sir's billowing curves can, with time and hard work, be fully upholstered.

Not the stairs, sir, if sir wouldn't mind building codes are so stringent, are they not? We have a special lift, sir, which we have a special lift, sir, which we have. obtained from the zoo when their hippo died of eating too much so if sir would care to step this way or roll this way as I imagine

sir's stepping days are now far far behind him sir sir sorry what did you say I just said it seems to be pinching a little under the arms would you like to try a larger size and then you went quiet and just

stared at nothing oh yeah sorry Um, yeah, by all means, let's, um, let's try the larger size. Of course, sir. Jason, the forklift! LAUGHTER Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Day 37 of the cruise.

I hope you're all having a wonderful time. And now, roughly midday today, we'll be passing close by the island of Anthemusa. So with a little bit of luck, we should be able to see some sirens today. Please enjoy the amazing sight of these human-headed birds or bird-bodied humans. But a word of caution, they will be singing songs designed to lure you to your death. Now, if you really want to hear those songs, please make your way to Deck G, and the cabin services team will be more than happy to lash you to one of our ergonomic listening masks. Otherwise, please remember to stuff your ears with wax from the wax dispenser in your cabin.

And please do take this seat. Seriously, every trip we regrettably lose a few passengers who think that since they're not really inter-casual sex with bird people, they'll be safe Now, this is a common and a fatal misconception. What the sirens offer is knowledge and they are very very good at what they do You know that physics paper for which you somehow got a D about the mass of a neutrino there some huge mistake or what you always got at least a bee you'll never know of course but we know

swim on out and see us dear look we've got the transcript here someone messed up that's quite clear here's a clue wasn't you sure it couldn't matter less you're not in the least obsessed with some ancient physics test even so nice to know

remember Jean-Luc Bertrand who always ate lunch at your bed and sometimes brought you cappuccino and you were never certain if he was flirting or just French and fact you still don't know but we know swim on out and see us dear look we've got his diary here honestly you've no idea

oh my god cheeky sort doesn't matter now of course you married and he will befought don't suppose that you'll divorce Even so, never know That interview to die for You couldn't get to because fog Had grounded all the flights from ETHRO Would it have changed your life

Or were you just saved a pointless slog? You'll never know of course But we know Swim on out and see us dear We've got all the answers here Love life, sex life health career Here you'll find peace of mind We know about Kate's affair

We know if you'll lose your hair We won't eat you, pinky swear Come on dear, swim out here We know the thoughts have plagued you And we can put them right for you So swim out here dear And then you'll know too Good evening, my name is Patsy Straight Woman.

And the thing about me is that I never get any jokes, except for the joke I always get at the beginning, like this one. I'm joined today by Stefan, who is a seahorse. No, no, no. No, no, no. I am no, seahorse. Ah, right, I went through this with a new once. Fine. How is it pronounced?

Orsay. Ustofada. You're joking. Not at all. That is what we Ustofadi have always called ourselves. It is a proud name with an ancient history. And when we recently discovered that up here in this horrifically dry area of the world,

we are known as sea horses. We were a little offended. Then we found out what sea means, and we were very offended. Then we found out what sea means. Then we found out what horse means. And we went completely off our nut. What's the problem?

What's the problem? How would you like it if humans were called ground gibbons. Which, by the way, is what the gibbons call you. Only are too self-absorbed to notice. Ah, you object to being compared to horses. Do not mind being compared to them. As in the sentence, regard that delicate Worcesterfada. Is it not a million times more beautiful and admirable?

than that huge, gangling monstrosity that can't even move its eyes independently. What we object to is the insinuation that we look like them. Count the legs. Count the swim bladders. And secondly, even if we do look alike, which we absolutely do not,

it's not us that look like them. It's them that look like us. How do you make that out? Well, for starters, 71% of the Earth's surface is water. So I don't know where you think you get off, calling anything or see anything. Also, there are around 58 million horses in the world. No one even knows how many Oosterfadi there are. But to give you some idea, of our 40 species, one is severely endangered.

There are only 7 billion left. I see. Well, thank you for joining me. Next, I'm joined by Nathan, who is a spiny lump sucker. What the hell? And so, we meet again, we three impostors. Yes, living on our wits and our guile. Each of us has inveigled our way into this organisation at a level far beyond our experience or expertise.

Yes. And here we meet, in this pleasant cost of coffee. To provide what aid we can to each other's impostures. Impostatures, which is it? I don't know. And that's just one of the many things I don't know. Now, Impostas to business. I shall begin.

What, brothers and sisters of impostiture, is a mainframe? A mainframe. Yes, my department are much exercised about the mainframe and what it needs and whether or not it's getting it. What do you suppose a mainframe might be? Mm-hmm. Have your pictures in your department? Some we have. Is one perhaps larger than the others?

The main picture, so to speak, surrounded by the main frame? Ah, perhaps so. Or, and this might be wrong, could it be a high-performance data server? Oh, that sounds good, too. My turn, my turn. What, pray tell is a Q-free pipeline? Because our one is some way blocked Or maybe kinked

This apparently is a big old deal I don't know But I think it just means things that are coming up And I think Q3 Might be Q3 Q3 Like the third quarter Of what?

Of the year? Years don't have quarters They come in 12s I think Quarters as well. I see. And what of you, oh, newest member? How may we aid you skirt the shoals of your ignorance

and so continue to pull off your daring imposture? Oh, there isn't anything specific, really. I just feel like I've somehow tricked everyone to get where I am and that any day now I'll be found out. Ha! Just as I thought. You're not an imposter at all. You're an imposter. You're just another of those syndrome.

We hate the syndrome, guys. We are proud of our imposter status. We work long and hard, or rather, we do not at all, to reach the bare minimum standards that prevents us from being fired. And then, people like you, who had the skills and do the work, think they can just waltz into imposter status through simple lack of self-confidence. It's cultural appropriation, is what it is. Is it? I don't know. I don't know. Good morning. Ah, morning, Adam. So what's on the docket for this week? Not much. Invoices and payments, Ken's work orders, that's about it.

Oh, quiet week, eh? Makes a change? Does it? Oh, last year I had a kilt for a week like this. Oh, yeah, yeah, no, last year, yes. Been pretty quiet this year, though, hasn't it? since the reorganisation. Oh, that bloody reorgue. I'm sure it created more work in the end.

Not for us, though. No, well, anyway, if you... Because, I mean, the main part of the reorg that affected us, of course, was the decision that from now on each department in the company should manage its own transportation. Well, yes, major upheaval. Including us.

Of course. In transportation. So now, we manage the transportation for our own department, but not any other department. No, Adam, is there something on your mind? Yeah. Do you think they forgot to sack us? Do you want to be sad? No, but I mean, they're bound to remember eventually that we're still here, and then won't there be a lot of trouble?

No, because it's not an oversight. They know all about us. Listen, I've been head of department for 11 years, and in the company for 30, I am very, very expensive to sack. But I retire in 18 months, so it's far more cost-effective for them to keep me on until then, organising the transportation for the Department of Transportation than to lay me off. Right. But what about me? I mean, why should they keep me on? Because as head of department, I'm entitled to certain perks, such as you, my personal assistant. And Ken? Yes. Your driver.

Exactly. So, from now on, Ken will drive you in in the morning. Yes. And then you and I will meet to process Ken's payment. And plan his work schedule for the next week. Yes. And then Ken will. drive you home. Yes.

So quite a few quiet weeks coming up then. About 18 months worth. As I saying that, I do have an extra project for you next week. Oh, yes? Yes, now Louise's gone. I'll need you to take over organising the department Christmas party. Oh, yes, of course. Yeah, interestingly, they seem to have given us the same budget as last year

when there are 108 of us. Oh. Yeah. I think that probably is an oversight. Ken and I were thinking Venice. Oh. Oh, smell that. Everybody, can you smell that? Grandad, did you smell that?

Oh, yes, my dear. Quite delightful. Delightful? It was manure. Everybody, granddad thinks manure smells delightful. Has this started happening to you? You tell yourself you're just a little hard of smelling, but has it gone beyond?

that do you find yourselves left out of conversations when everyone's trying to work out what that smell is? Or are talking about interesting things they've smelt recently. Have your family and friends noticed that you have to smell things harder or for longer? Like really sticking your nose in and sniffing the smell up like a dog? Have you maybe even forgotten

what your grandchildren smell like? It doesn't have to be this way. Come and see our friendly team at Mulligan's Noseologists. There's a branch on every high street which was over-ambitious of us and we regret it. They are, as I say, friendly and underworked team can acquaint you with our whole range of olfactory solutions from simple nostril widening exercises to state-of-the-art

Bluetooth-enabled smelling aids that attach directly to your brain via parasitic leech. As a full-time florist and a full-time chef and a full-time perfumier, I wish I'd gone to Mulligan's ten years ago before I lost all of those jobs. Thanks to Mulligans, I can now smell music. Brown smells like bacon.

Pink Floyd is hay. After 30 happy years as a professional skunk frightener, going to Mulligan's noziologist. has ruined my life. I cannot imagine what possessed me to go. I also assume they won't use this in their adverts. But we have done. Show you no some love for a change.

Take it to Mulligan's nozeologists. See what we can say you can smell. Granddad, did you smell that? Yes, darling. Thanks to Mulligans, I did. It smelled like crap. That's right. I love you, Grandad. that.

Anosmia is a real and distressing condition affecting up to 5% of the population involving total or partial loss of the sense of smell. John had it during COVID, it's horrible. That's not what he was making fun of in the previous sketch. He wasn't really making fun of anything, to be honest. What happened was he saw an opticians in the high street with a big eye over the door and made himself laugh

by imagining a shop next to it with a big nose over the door. And now here we all are. All right, well, here are my orders. Thank you, Prime Minister. What happens to them now? They will be conveyed to the four nuclear submarines and your predecessor's letters of last resort

will be destroyed unread. Gosh, all right, is that everything? Not quite everything. Prime Minister, no. It now falls to me to give you the highest level of clearance briefing on the jersey situation the jersey situation what what's the jersey situation it's very bad indeed prime minister is it why what's happened in jersey jersey has become entirely overrun by an aggressive

invasive species what i've heard nothing about this what species species a bird prime minister bird what what birds spit it out man dodoes prime minister dodoes yes Jersey is overrun with dodos. Dodoes are extinct. Not these ones. What do you mean? I mean that Jersey is overrun with dodos. Our jersey?

The Channel Island, the tax haven. Alas, it is no longer any sort of haven. Why not? Because, Prime Minister, Jersey is overrun with dodos. Why do you keep saying that? There's been my unpleasant duty to break this news for several of your predecessors, Prime Minister. that constant, bald repetition

is the best way to get through this tricky opening bit. Several of my... What do you mean? When did this happen? 1959. Hmm? 1959? Following Crick and Watson's breakthroughs on DNA,

Harold McMillan authorized a scientific program in St. Juan, Jersey, to see if it might be possible to bring back the dodo from extinction. What they discovered almost immediately was that, yes, you absolutely can do that, but no, you never, ever should. It turns out the dodo is very different

from the lovable, docile victims of public imagination. Dodoes, or at any rate, these dodoes, are highly intelligent, psychotically aggressive, and incredibly fertile. They escaped the facility in the winter of 1957. By 1959, the British government had no choice but to seal off the island and abandon it to the dodoes. No, it didn't. I've been to Jersey.

With respect, Prime Minister, no, you haven't. I have. A couple of times. It's a charming place. No dodoes. If I may correct you, it is a nightmarish healthcape of ruined buildings and guano.

And it is absolutely rammed with dodoes. You're thinking of Guernsey. I've never been to Guernsey. Oh, contrary. You see, when the Jersey crisis arose, it was felt, rightly or wrongly, that Britain's international status was too fragile, so soon after Suez,

to take another humiliation on the world stage. The decision was taken to cover up the fall of Jersey. And in the biggest military intelligence operation in history, the neighbouring island of Guernsey was redressed to stand in for it. But people still go to Guernsey, too. So they think. In fact, Guernsey now occupies the island formerly known as Alderney. And Alderney?

Moved to Sark. And Sark? Sark just squishes in with Aldermy. But people must know. You can't keep an island... full of dodo secret in the busiest shipping channel in the world? You wouldn't think so, but it turns out if you're a G7 nation and you're prepared to throw a fifth of your entire GDP at it,

then you can. I mean, you can't do that and retain an empire. But you can do one or the other. Except from the French. The French no. The French no. Jersey is only 14 miles from France. When the winds in the west, they can hear the squawking.

And they've kept our secret. Doesn't sound like them? There was a price. What? Great Britain achieved nuclear capability in 1952. Jersey was abandoned to the dodoes in 1959. France got the bomb in 1960. Oh my God, we armed the French.

And that's not all. It held them for a while, but like any blackmailer, they keep crawling back for more. Like what? Concord. The channel tunnel. Essentially, think of any big expensive thing that was apparently and slightly surprisingly done

as a joint Anglo-French project. And you'll find it was actually done entirely by Britain and then gifted to France in exchange for their continued silence about the time we reinvented dodoes and then had to run away from them. Also, Brexit. Oh. And what am I supposed to do about it now?

That, of course, is a policy decision. Prime Minister, therefore, entirely a matter for you. Of course, exposing the cover-up would dominate your entire administration. That may be why all your predecessors since Macmillan have elected to pass the pass along. But you, of course, may think differently. Yes, possibly. So there's no human life on the island. It's hard to see how there could be now.

And frankly, in common humanity, I think we must hope not. We are united in the underland Do-D-D-Doh My face Flash baitlessness was saying Do-de-Doh Your ways we cannot hope to understand Do-D-Doh

So we just praise Slash curse your name D-Doo-D-D-Doh-D-Doh D-D-Doh-D-Doh-d-d-d-d-d-do Do-d-d-d-d-d-d-do-d-d-d-d-do-d-d-do-d-d-d-do-d-do-d-d-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. D-do. John Finnamore's souvenir program was written and performed by John Fidemore with Margaret Cabeon-Smith, Carrie Quinnman, Simon Kane and Laurie Lewin.

Original music is composed and performed as Susanna Pierce with Sally Stokes. The producer was Ed Morish, and it was a BBC studio's audio production for Radio 4. I thought you said none of these sketches were linked. I lied! Hello, I'm Greg Jenner. I'm the host of You're Dead to Me. show that takes history seriously and then we laugh at it. And in our latest series we've covered lots of global history. We've done the American War of Independence. We've done Empress Matilda and the medieval anarchy. We've done Alexandra Dumas, the French writer, the Kellogg

brothers and their health farm. We looked at the lives of Viking women, Renaissance era beauty tips. We jumped to 18th century India and also to ancient Alexandria. We looked at the life of Hannibal of Carthage, who fought the Romans, and we've done Mariantoinette and a big birthday special for Jane Austen. Plus, there's 140 episodes in our back catalogue, so if you want to laugh while you learn, the show's called You're Dead to Me, and you can find us first on BBC Sounds.