Comedy of the Week - Just a Minute

Episode Date: January 27, 2025

Sue Perkins challenges Tony Hawks, Ian Smith, Zoe Lyons and Charlotte Ritchie to speak for 60 seconds without repetition, deviation or hesitation. Subjects include Getting Butterflies, Bottling it, and a Desire for Revenge.Production Coordinator: Sarah Nicholls Sound Editor: Marc Willcox Producer: Rajiv Karia An EcoAudio certified production.A BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4.

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Welcome to Just a Minute. Hello, me again. And as the minute walls fades away, what a joy to welcome you to this edition of Just a Minute. Time now to introduce you to the four marvellous and talented people who are playing Just a Minute this week. They are in no particular order, Tony Hawkes, Zoe Lyons, Charlotte Ritchie and Ian Smith. Please welcome Shia for all four of them. I'm going to ask them to speak on a subject that I give them without hesitating, repeating or deviating. So let's begin and see how that goes. And Tony, we're going to start with you my seasoned chum. The subject is WhatsApp groups. WhatsApp groups. Can you speak for

60 seconds without hesitating, repeating or deviating on WhatsApp groups, starting now? We actually have a just a minute WhatsApp group where you can't type things twice and it's great fun sending messages to each other without deviating, hesitating or anything like that. But the furiating or even infuriatingating if you want to put that bit at the front thing about whatsapp groups is that you can't really leave them without other people being a little bit upset with you I went on a holiday recently with a group of friends and these messages I've there you challenged yes I felt we were hesitating slightly there.

It was a bit of a... We came to a sort of an abrupt stop, really. There was a slight peachy. It was ever so slight, but I set in my stall out, I went for it. I'm saying the grudge match begins here. It starts now. It was a crisp call, I'm going to give it to you. So you get the subject, 28 seconds remaining and your time starts now.

The thing about WhatsApp groups is that I seem to be a member of far too many of them. There's one for my street that insists on telling me about everything that is happening on the road that I live on. Whether the pigeons are being a bit argy-bargy around the bins, whether the seagulls are kicking... Oh Tony... Two weathers. Whether the thing... whether the thing... there was going to be a third as well, trust me. I told you it wouldn't be long.

Right, 11 seconds remain. You get the subject back. It's WhatsApp groups, just to remind you and your time starts now. How did we manage before we had WhatsApp groups in our lives? We had to write letters to each other. Do you remember those days? Tony was speaking as the whistle went which means he gains the point and Zoe we are back with you. This subject is yours. And the subject is getting butterflies. You've got 60 seconds, starting now. Every time my agent phoned me and says they want you back on just a minute, I get butterflies because I'm so excited to be part of this incredible show. Getting butterflies isn't

as easy as you would think. You can't just find them in a pet shop or indeed a butterfly farm, which is a strange place where they make cheese and milk out of butterflies, apparently, which is odd, but there you go, each to their own. Getting butterflies is one of the most... So sorry. Charlotte. I mean, I meant it, but...

Are you apologizing something pertinent to the game or was it just a generic? I did have something I wanted to get off my chest. It's not to do with the game. This is a safe space. Deviation? Was it deviation? About the cheese and stuff from butterflies? No, it's a small artisan business. Oh, sorry, artisan. Very popular in Cornwall.

Well, now that Zoe's explained it, I withdraw my challenge. It sounds really reasonable. All I'm saying to you is as a new player of the game, if you think that butterflies perhaps don't have mammaries, therefore trying to exude milk from those non-existent tentacles, absolute rank in probability, I could probably be ushered into a feeling

that there was deviation. Also, I would say in Zoe's defense, almonds don't have mammaries. Thank you. Yes. Well, we've all learned a lot, I would say. Almond's don't have mammaries. Thank you. Yes. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, we've all learnt a lot, I would say. LAUGHTER

Zoe, you get to keep the subject because Charlotte's been too polite to take what was hers. So you get 33 seconds remaining on the clock. Getting butterflies. Your time starts now. One of the most joyous things you can experience as a human being is getting butterflies. When you see a person that you are somewhat in love with, they approach you down the street, your eyes widen, your heart beats faster like a beautiful butterfly taking off into the tropical skies. You think this will last forever, but of course, very much like a butterfly, it fades rather

quickly. Getting butterflies is something that I experience when watching... I've seen the box set of that, it's amazing. Ian? I think I'm challenging... I really enjoyed the noise. Ian, it was a correct challenge which means you get the topic with six seconds remaining which is getting butterflies your time starts now. If I were to get a butterfly I would use a net or if I wanted to catch more a massive bed sheet.

Ian was speaking as the whistle went, which means he gets the point. And Charlotte, we are with you. Your subject is pretty cool. It's pinstripe suits. What can you tell us about pinstripe suits in 60 seconds, starting now? Pretty cool is right, Sue. We're talking about pinstripe suits. Not simple suits with no stripes on them.

No, we're talking about said it again somebody buzz me Tony you have obliged yes she said somebody buzzed me I was there on hand the kind of sort of safety challenge thank you she was in trouble and I helped out I've got to say it was a correct challenge so 46 seconds with you my lovely it's pinstri suits, tell us everything you know about that, starting now. I used to have a musical comedy group called Morris Minor and the majors years ago and when we first started on the cabaret circuit I used to wear a pinstripe suit, one that I bought in a secondhand shop. There is no other part

to this story, entertaining or otherwise. It's over, unlike the minute which I am obliged to fill. The city of London is filled with people wearing these pinstripe suits and they think they look cool in them, but do they? I don't think so. They do not. I once went up to one who was wearing a pinstripe suit and said hello. I chickened out You see I wasn't going to be rude to him. So that's all that happened another anecdote that goes nowhere So a challenge I think we've had two anecdotes an anecdote that was going by Right

You certainly haven't had an equality anecdote. I Think we had an anecdote about the band. Yes, it was an anecdote that wasn't going anywhere. And then the second anecdote. It's a double anecdote, which means it's a challenge for repetition. And you get the subject with one second remain. She's known for it.

Real little poachers, O.E. Lyons. Well, you get the subject of pinstripe suits starting now. Brogue shoes go over. APPLAUSE Zoe was speaking as the whistle went, means she gets the point. And Ian, you get the next topic, which is my teenage band. I can't wait to hear about this. You've got 60 seconds on

My Teenage Band. Your time starts now. When I was 16, I was in a band and we brainstormed a name which was The Colour of Tomorrow. I didn't think that was good, but that's what we came up with. None of the members of the band could play their instruments besides the drummer who also wrote the songs and he could not do that either. The first one that he composed was about a breakup he had never been in a relationship so it didn't really hit to the core an emotion that some bands can. When I first performed in this band it was to a selection of friends in the drummer's shed.

Oh no sorry I think we've had drummer and drummer and drummers. When I first performed in this band it was to a selection of friends in the drummer's shed. Zoe? No, sorry, I think we've had drummer and drummer. Drummer and drummer. I beg your pardon Ian. No that's absolutely fine. Sorry. Drummer, composed and then the drummer's.

That's an incorrect challenge Zoe, you get the subject back with 21 seconds remaining. Ian your time starts now. I genuinely remember the first lyric from the song that we performed and it was, I was with you but times change now I've let my pain begin. And again, this was by a man who had never experienced any negative love. Charlotte. Repetition of never, I think. Oh.

There were lots of repetitions and never was one of them so well spotted. You get the subject with three seconds remaining on my teenage band and your time starts now. My teenage band was called Lava. Charlotte was speaking as the whistle went which means she gains an all-important point. And that's the end of the round. Let's see the scores. We have got Ian in third place. We've got Tony and Charlotte tied in second place. And slightly ahead, we have Zoe currently in the lead. So when you said Ian in third place I thought oh that's a weird way to not include whoever's in fourth place and then when I heard in both in second it

really broke my heart. I'm sorry. I don't know there's any way to sweeten that pill really. You've got third and fourth place Ian. Oh yeah, oh yeah. I feel bad about that. You've placed twice. Yeah. It's nice, you're doing really well. Yeah. We're going to start round two and Charlotte this one's for you. And it is a desire for revenge.

Let's see everything you've got to say on that stormy subject. Your time starts now. Tony was extremely kind to me minutes ago, seconds ago. Ah. They're not so kind now. Actually, it's Ian who buzzed. Yes, the minutes ago, seconds ago. The ago vortex.

Yeah. Yeah, you were trapped in. ago a second ago, ah ah. The ago vortex. Yeah. Yeah, you were trapped in. Correct challenge, 54 seconds you've got to talk about a desire for revenge. Let's hear it, your time starts now. Christopher Thorne has got it coming to him. If you are listening to this radio cards, I had a Charizard, which is the most valuable of them, and they are currently going on eBay for a lot of money. He swapped it for my ancient Mew card, which... Sorry. I'm so sorry, and I was really enjoying that, but there were two cards. There were. There were two cards. There were two cards.

And Chris Vaughan took the most valuable of them. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE There were two cards and Chris Vaughan took the most valuable Does he listen to radio for this crisp look well if he does have a look in the mirror and save you happy with your life Well, that's not revenge is it I thought you were gonna threaten something much worse than that Oh, yes, have a look in your mirror and you'll notice someone's behind you. It's me I've got my ancient mu card and I'm gonna give you a paper cut And I've changed his name and it was Christopher Thompson Well, we've exercised that desire for revenge at least it's out there now It was a correct challenge by Zoe you get the topic with 31 seconds remaining and your time starts now

I'll be honest with you sue I'm sitting here rather nervously now because I know that everybody around me has a desire for revenge I've taken down Tony so far in this game with his double accolades. I have also demolished Ian with his Tony double anecdotes game with his double accolades. I have also demolished Ian with his... Tony. Double anecdotes. Not double accolades. Oh. I never said accolade. So you're going for deviation. Yes. You see I knew it. It's a desire for revenge. This is indeed a deadly revenge. I like it. I'm gonna is indeed a deadly revenge. Yes. I like it. I'm going to give you a point for it.

But I'm going to also give Zoe back the subject. Really? Yes, because thank you, lone woman screaming. Yeah. 17 seconds, Zoe. Your time starts now. I feel as if the audience is almost at a desire for revenge. As if.

I seem to glitch a lot, don't I? I think I need to download a new version of myself. Charlotte, we were just hearing from Zoe how she'd taken you down. What's your challenge? Hesitation. Yeah, what a deadly revenge. That's a correct challenge with 13 seconds remaining. Charlotte, it's a correct challenge. Your time on A Desire desire for revenge starts now.

I grew up with the mantra from my mother. I sometimes forgive, but I never forget, which feels quite harsh, actually, and also is the opposite of forgiving because. Well done. Speaking as the whistle went means you get the point. And Ian, you get the next subject, which is short back and sides. What can you tell us about short back and sides in 60 seconds, without hesitating, repeating or deviating, starting now? If you have a short back, you probably have short sides.

LAUGHTER If we were discussing the human body. But I doubt we are, as this is a popular haircut, one of the few that actively describes to the barber what to do. For example, a Mohican has no instructions, otherwise it would be called a short back and long middle bit. I think that all haircuts should be described as they are. Charlotte? Oh, haircut. Haircuts and haircut. So, okay, carry on.

Right, Tony, you've buzzed. Repetition of described. Right, Tony, you've buzzed. Repetition of described. It was a repetition of described. But you can't now all pile in. There's one challenge. It was an incorrect challenge. Ian, you get the subject back. It's short back and sides, and your time starts now.

I do not have short back and sides. I have a haircut that is an amalgamation of what my barber gave me and what... Tony. Repetition of haircut. And barber, yes. Oh, I love saying haircut. If you get the subject back, you cannot repeat any

of the stuff you said on the first go around. Yeah, well I just don't really get this show. I thought I was doing the news quiz still. So well done, Tony. Correct challenge from you. You get the subject with just 19 seconds on the clock on short back and side starting now. I very much enjoyed Ian's observation about how if you have a short back invariably you will have short sides. I have a long... Ian. Could I argue that that is repetition of my fact

about the human body? He's certainly nicking your material. Do you know what Ian, I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt. We've not had one of those today. So let's give Ian the benefit of the doubt. Keeps the subject. 11 seconds on short back and sides. Your time starts now. BUZZER

LAUGHTER Tony. He's going to say haircut. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Yes, he is. And so you get the subject. Nine seconds remaining on short back and side starting now. It's a pity this is radio and you cannot see Ian's fine Mohican haircut. on a head and shoulders that are way above.

Well that's the end of another round. Right we've got Ian trailing in fourth position, we have Zoe in third, we have Charlotte in second place and striding out in front we have Mr Tony Hawkes. striding out in front we have Mr Tony Hawkes. All to play for though, Tony we're going to start with you in this round and the subject is the most enduring thing in my fridge. Can you speak for 60 seconds without hesitating repeating or deviating on the most enduring thing in my fridge, starting now. I wonder if I've been given this subject because in 1997 I did go round Ireland with a fridge to win a £100 bet and wrote a book about it which has sold 12 or 13 copies. Now, what you need to know is the most enduring thing in this fridge at that time was a pair of shoes. I used to keep them in there as an overspill from my rucksack. Nobody here tonight was expecting that to be the thing that people went for but that's... Ian. I've just realized you're allowed to say a thing

because it's in the title of the round so I just want to say great work so far. of the round so I just want to say great work so far. Yeah, just so yeah great stuff. It's lovely to have that encouragement that'll see me through the next 25 seconds. Thank you. Listen, I enjoyed that affirmation so thank you for that. You get the point but you do not get the subject that goes back to Tony with 28 seconds remaining on the most enduring thing in my fridge. Your time starts now. Cheese endures well in a fridge. If you leave it there long enough, it becomes Stilton, which is magnificent because the mold grows on the outside and then you can have people around to dinner and say, look, this incredibly expensive cheese is all yours. Zoe, two cheeses. Cheese! It was double cheese. So you've got 12 seconds.

That was a correct challenge. There was indeed a repetition. 12 seconds on the subject of the most enduring thing in my fridge and your time starts now. There is a I buy capers forget So Ian you buzzed yeah double capers and double cheese they go well together And my only way of getting points I think is to try and buzz when there's like two seconds left there's one second left Very nice. I've got this. I think I've got this. So just to remind you, the most enduring thing in my fridge, you've got one second starting now. The most enduring thing. Zoe, we are with you next, my lovely, and the subject on the card is gum shields. Gum shields. So your time starts now.

If there's one thing I've learnt in life, if it involves a gum shield, I don't want to do it. I've only ever once had to wear a gum shield when filming an episode of SAS Who Dares Wins. Tony. Oh, Tony! You haven't. Don't say it like that. Don't do it, Tony. Leave it!

Wait a minute, the audience might want to applaud. Repetition of S. Oh! APPLAUSE You did it, Tony! Tony. Oh, Tony! Tony! Oh, Tony, let yourself down. But you are correct.

It is an awful thing. One of the most common mistakes made. And so, yes, SAS is a repetition of S. Right, 46 seconds on the clock. Your time, Tony, starts now. When I was a little boy, I had a lot of chewing gum. And I decided I would try to had a lot of chewing gum and I decided I would try to make a shield out of one and I sat down at my table and my mother said to me you're an idiot. Another anecdote which will go down in the Tony

Hawks book of those things which which is available for £7.99. BUZZER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Carla! LAUGHTER I mean... What's the challenge? It was repetition of which?

Yes. Yeah? It's a small word and normally... Do we not normally allow... We don't, but you're a very new player to the game and I feel... you've been listening very intently you should be rewarded for that and so I'm going to give you that as a correct challenge. I don't mind. I got the plug in for the anecdote book that's the main thing.

That is going to sell like hotcakes. Gum shields 22 seconds remaining on the clock and your time starts now. There was always a risky moment when you were preparing your gum shield which was obligatory. That silence was so onerous. What's terrible is the word witch was the only one in front of me and I thought it can't be that. I've just challenged on it. You can say it, even though you've challenged him on it. I know but I'd said it before. I'm too self-correcting. It's a problem I'm going to look at after

this show. We do provide self-correcting. It's a problem I'm going to look at after this show. LAUGHTER We do provide aftercare. Thank you. The bad news is it's Tony. LAUGHTER Zoe, you challenged... There was a bit of a hesitation. There was, my lovely. It's a correct challenge. So you get 13 seconds on gum shields, starting now. I've never really understood why they call them gum shields because you're not really

Protecting your gums. It's your toothy pegs that you are Tony Hesitation correct. Yes, it was indeed with five seconds remaining on the clock You get gum shield starting now because I have a long back and sides that are also the same size, I play rugby and you have to put a gum shield in. APPLAUSE Well, then, Tony, you were speaking as the whistle went, means you gained the point and we're now sadly entering our final round.

Oh! Thank you, I did elicit that and you gave me exactly what it needed. whistle went means you gained the point and we're now sadly entering our final round. Thank you, I did elicit that and you gave me exactly what it needed. Right, okay, this is with you Ian, here's your subject. I can sense you're really ganging for it. The subject is bottling it. What can you tell us about bottling it in 60 seconds starting now? Bottling it is something I have done on this episode multiple times. You could say I'm not the best at just a minute, but I am trying. Something else that you can bottle other than it. Zoe? Oh, sorry, it was a bit of a hesitation there.

There was a, yeah. There was some hesitation there. It was charming though, otherwise. It's starting to feel like picking on a vulnerable man now. It's sadly that the rules are pretty rough and tough and that was a correct challenge. You do get the subject. 46 seconds on bottling it, starting now.

Pickled onions are a great thing to put in a bottle. In fact, there are many things that you can... Tony. I think I went mad there. I thought she said things twice but I don't think she did. I thought she did as well but then I thought no she didn't. Yeah. It sounds like there was a repetition but I don't know that there was and if there was of course you can always get hold of me on the internet at any one of my social media accounts at Mel Gedroych that's G-I-E-G-N-R-O-Y-C and I love to hear from you the angry you are the better. Day or night? The middle of the night and do write it in caps. Alright.

Right I'm gonna say you get to keep that. So incorrect challenge from Tony you get the subject back with 41 seconds remaining on bottling it starting now. There have been many times in my career when I felt like bottling it. When I did that aforementioned reality TV show, Double SA, there were times when I had to be... approach heights! I was so pleased with myself! Charlotte, you buzzed. It is nice to say congrats on that because that was really cool, the Double SA, but it was a hesitation. Correct challenge. Thank you. You've absolutely smashed it. You've got the subject. What more can we ask for other than you just bring it home? Bottling it in 30 seconds, your time starts now.

Bottling it is something I am not going to do in the next 30 seconds. Watch me as I continue to speak without repeating or hesitating or... Or. You've got to try Icarus. That was quite the ride. Icarus. Ian, who was? Too close to the sun. Yeah, I guess there was a bit of hesitation and also a repetition of or. It's the number of times in close succession. It's or this or this or that.

I have to give it, of course. It's a correct challenge. You've got 19 seconds to speak on bottling it. Time starts now. Bottling it could refer to putting a miniature ship into a bottle. Now, when this happens, obviously there are no crew on board. Otherwise they would have also been made very tiny and they would be confused, unsure as to what is going on. Why are they in this? Ian spoke as the whistle went which means he gained the point and did not bottle it. Well that means we've come to the end of the show.

But with the end of the show comes a great levelling which is the scores. Ian you're in fourth place. Yeah but you did brilliantly. And you are just behind Charlotte who's in third. Zoe is in second and striding out ahead. Please give a round of applause for tonight's winner, Mr. Tony Hawkes. And there my lovelies, we have to leave you, but first of all, thanks to our incredible players of tonight's game, Tony Hawkes, Zoe Lyon, Charlotte Richie and Ian Smith.

Of course, we are indebted to Ian Messiter and the wonderful Nicholas Parsons. We also thank Sarah Nicholls for blowing her whistle so delicately in my left lughole. The producer was Rajiv Kharia and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. And this is me, Sue Perkins, saying thank you so much for listening wherever you are and please do join us next time we all play just a minute. Hello, this is Marian Keyes. And this is Tara Flynn. We host a podcast you might like for BBC Radio 4 and BBC Sounds called Now You're Asking. Each week we take real listeners questions about life,

love, lingerie, cats, dogs, dentists, pockets, or the lack of, anything really, and apply our worldly wisdom in a way which we hope will help, but also hopefully entertain. Join us why don't you? Search up Now You're Asking on BBC Sounds. Thanking you.