Comedy of the Week - Kat Sadler's Screen Time

Episode Date: July 21, 2025

Industry heartthrob and nation's sweetheart Kat is on her way to an exciting product launch in a long car, with long suffering sidekick Alex Macqueen.On the way, she shares the secrets of her success, and how series one of Screen Time made her the most famous woman to ever grace the UK. Now that she's the biggest influencer ever, Kat teaches you how you can stop being a big normo and maximise your online brand. Hear her improve her appearance with a novel technique at the gym, convene a writers room to work out how to appear most relatable, and purify her brand by cutting off an old friend who's just got the worst news a person can receive. He's been cancelled.And she barely thinks about Abbie at all!To listen to more from this series, search "Kat Sadler's Screen Time" on BBC Sounds.CastKat Sadler - Kat Alex MacQueen - Alex Abbie Weinstock - Abbie Al Roberts - Toby Lizzie Davidson - Various Jason Forbes - VariousWritten by Kat Sadler and Cameron LoxdaleProduction Coordinator - Caroline Barlow Executive Producer - Pete Strauss Sound Design - Rich Evans Recorded by Neil Goody at Premises StudiosProduced by Gwyn Rhys Davies. A BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Hello, I'm Kat Sadler. Total screen time today 11 hours 18 minutes. And welcome to series two of... Kat Sadler's Screen Time. A show many have described as absolute perfection. Series one of Kat Sadler's Screen Time has broken all previous broadcast records, making it the most consumed piece of media in the history of BBC sounds, and also sound itself.

The program received over 70 million listens, meaning that statistically the sound waves have penetrated nearly every human in Great Britain. Licence fee payments to the BBC have more than doubled since the release of Series 1, and a recent survey has shown that public feeling towards the broadcaster is now 100% positive. Every November on the anniversary of broadcast, devoted fans who refer to themselves as sad heads gather outside BBC New Broadcasting House to pay their respects. Yep, that's right. As expected, the show did well. It was nice. And the BBC have come crawling back just three short years later for more content from yours truly. Excuse me? Can I finish? Oh, sorry. There's more.

But not all former cast members are now living the high life. Following her appearance on the show, Abby… Total screen time today, zero hours, zero minutes. …decided to step out of the limelight and instead work for phone addiction company Screenkill, which encourages young people to spend dedicated time away from their screens. Abby had this to say. Who? Oh, oh Kat, yeah, I do remember her. We went on a couple of dates, she was obsessed with her phone and made me throw my phone in the sea. Complete weirdo, but losing my phone is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I'm so much happier off-grid. Oh, Kate, that's the radio off and that's quite enough of Abby. I doubt very much we'll be hearing from her again this series as I am completely over her. I don't think about her every day at all. I'm too busy being an influencer. Where would I find the time? During the long haunting hours between going to bed and falling asleep?

I wouldn't have thought so. That's right. I'm an influencer now. A big cheese. A star is born starring Kat Sadler. I've got more followers than you've had hot dinners. And if you had the same number of hot dinners as I've got followers, unplug your oven, you glutton. You hear a lot about the difficulty of success,

but in my opinion, that's a weak attitude for pathetic, impotent little wusses. It's not like fame has changed me anyway. Bubbly? Not while we're moving, Alex. I told you I get long car sick. Oh, like long Covid? No, as in the car is long. It's limousine. Ah, I see. More booze for me then. Lovely.

Oh, driver, mind the speed bumps. Hell, it's gone all over me. Alex never decant in transit. This sodden shell of a man is Alex McQueen. Total screen time today, zero hours 45 minutes. He's here to represent the average man and does so by being fundamentally useless. He has endless questions about technology. He simply will not process the information I give him. Like a rejected organ after a transplant, his body would simply prefer to shrivel up and die than survive in the modern

world. A lot has changed online since 2022 and things have gotten even better still. Elon Musk transforms Twister into X and allows anyone to have a little blue tick providing they can afford $8 a month, a small price to pay for the right to spread as much misinformation as your heart desires. Google now gives you a slightly wrong AI answer with everything you search just to keep you on your toes, and most memorably, in America, TikTok was banned. And then unbanned. Yes, a long 12 hours causing widespread panic, forcing people to turn to Instagram reels for something to do with their thumbs.

The place where old, stale content goes for a chance at a second life before eventually getting euthanised on Facebook. Series 1 was all about the online world and how it can help change your life for the better. This series I'm going to tell you how to handle your success and how to maximise a perfect online brand. Oh, cat, cat, cat. Sorry to jump in, but what exactly is an online brand? An online brand is your whole identity on the internet and needs to be curated meticulously,

the delicate shopfront for your house of lies. It takes a lot of effort to maintain this cavalier, devil-may-care persona I lovingly cobble together day in, day out. Thankfully, I've got just the people to help me. If there's one place fame hasn't got to, it's my head because my PR team, Hector and Louise, live in there and I've got some bad news to break to them. Okay, team, rise and shine! Another day at the top of the mountain. Wait, where's Louise?

Don't mention that name to me. I've just fired her. She was talking about taking a break to spend time with her fictional family. Not on my fictional watch. We're only getting 300 followers today. That's a plateau. A plateau I'd rather jump off than accept. But where is she? I've sent her to the large intestine to teach her a lesson. It's all hands on deck down there since the IBS moved in. But don't worry, we've got someone new. Someone who knows how to take my brand to the next level. Someone from Gen Z. Also called Louise. New Louise. Right, let's go. Cat's brand is giving...

How do I say this nicely? Old. Dare I say millennial? I actually think I'm more on the cusp of Gen Z. Tell that to your skinny jeans you twilight loving old lady. Listen, the internet doesn't want fake perfection anymore. The internet wants raw authenticity. Gone are the days of perfectly curated social media. Out for dinner with this one or I did a thing. People find that sus. People want to know who you are. What, so stop caring what I'm posting and just post anything without thinking?

Are you thick? No, we're looking for a meticulously curated low-effort persona. Maximum effort to seem like you don't care. The best accounts don't take social media too seriously. Which we should take very seriously. You don't want people thinking these posts are written by a teen. You want to maximise your online brand, don't you? Don't you want to make thousands of pounds online from brand deals? Don't you want the high life now that you've had a little taste? Limos don't pay for themselves.

So how do I pay for my very long cars? You sell people things, put your face on a product, sell it with affiliated links, you make loads, that's what all famous people do. Okay, easy. How do I do that? Well, first you need to market yourself as a woman of the people. Someone that they trust, someone that feels authentic. Your brand needs a facelift. You need to hit three key areas to achieve authenticity. Ethics.

Aesthetics, and of course... Relatability. What, so I've got to do all that to become authentic? Yes, authentically yourself, convincing the masses to buy whatever tat you say will change their lives. Kat, tell me, what is a product launch? That's where we're going, Alex. A glitzy, glam, fancy pants, red carpet product launch. I've finally found something I'm happy to put my very expensive face on. They've asked

me to do the keynote speech. Now that I'm an influencer, companies are falling over each other in order to have me associated with their product. I have to be selective and build a trusting relationship with my audience. Only the products, people and causes that totally represent my integral values. Hmm, so what are you endorsing? It's called Screen Kill. The company that encourages young people to spend dedicated time away from their screens. Hmm, that doesn't sound very you. Sure it does! Those are exactly my values. I hate my phone. Sorry Mr Phone, I didn't

mean it. I love you really. Screen kill? Hmm, is that anything to do with the company Abby works for, per chance? Oh, I don't know. Is it? I'd hardly noticed. I suppose it could be, it's a small world. She's going to be at this event, isn't she? Why are you asking me? I don't know. I guess I may have seen her on Screenkills Meet the Team page on their website under the job title Events Manager, so there might be a miniscule chance Abby will be present, but honestly I'm just thinking of all this now.

Well, we'll find out when we get there. If we ever get there why is this driver insisting on going round the bloody houses? We're gonna be so late we'll get a parking ticket if he goes... While Alex drones on and on about cars wasting the precious years he has left, I'll tell you about how I managed to become authentic and nail ethics, aesthetics, and relatability all in a single day. It takes a strict schedule to get this much done, so just like Mark Wahlberg, Margaret Thatcher,

Dwayne The Rock Johnson, and other famously well-adjusted celebs, I've started an intensive daily routine which I am simply afraid to stop. I knew I had to have the perfect online brand by the event tonight, and that started with me focusing on aesthetics very early this morning at the gym Eight nine

Done 4 30 a.m. Is a special time of day reserved exclusively for illustrious celebrities who want to maintain their beautiful bodies Yes, while you and the rest of the weak bladed masses are getting up to urinate in the middle of the night, I'm getting my body in shape with the help of my personal trainer and closest thing I have to a friend, Leila. She is deeply troubled and full of a rage which knows no bounds which makes her great at her job. Who the hell are you talking to? Sorry Leila, I was just explaining to my listeners.

Listeners? What are they listening to? Your shapeless body? Lift me! 20 reps! Higher! Come on! I should be able to give the ceiling little kisses. Leila worked on the Marvel films. She's solely responsible for transforming Chris Pratt from a beloved funny sitcom star into the chiseled, unlikable hunk we know today. She is an elite personal trainer, emphasis on the personal. I told her about Abby and now she uses her to motivate me at every opportunity.

The best motivator is insecurity. Lift me. Lift me! Lift me higher than Abby was in her post about Matthew Peaches. Can you feel the burn? It burns in my heart! Now that's the look of someone who wants their physique to cause great concern amongst their loved ones. Please let me stop. Nothing's worth this. Do you want Abby to love you or not? She hasn't posted at all, Abby. Maybe she's moving in with someone else, maybe she's happy. So what's our motto?

Bench press forever till she takes me back. Now we're talking. Make gains until she loves you. It hurts. It hurts so much. Life isn't worth living without you, Abby! Okay, put me down. You can stop now. Did it work? Am I fit? We need to change tack. There's no way you can fix your whole aesthetic before tonight. I think you should try Zempik. It's a weight loss drug.

I know what a Zempik is and I can't do that. Why not? Because I'm already on it. Tons of it. I'm running out of places to inject it. My body's like a game of Kaplanck. Oh, that is troubling. I think I have a solution.

Anything? Plastic surgery. I'm offended. You think this is natural? You name it, I've done it. Not a bit of me that hasn't been filled, frozen or chemically dissolved into pee. I'm a melted, taut and bumpy wax work of myself and I'm loving it. I bit of me that hasn't been fillered frozen or chemically dissolved into pee I'm a melted taught and bumpy wax work of myself, and I'm loving it

I went in and told my surgeon give me the real freaky look that all the celebs have and he said say no more and Jump right in it's still not enough. We need to go nuclear. We're talking total facelift everything I'm only 31. That's a bit extreme even for me Aren't those for like old people and people with so much of immigration they need to scorch the earth and start again? Maybe just a little something to keep those eyebrows from having the run of the place. I'm not sure. There has to be another way. Sorry Kat, go back a bit. What is Ozempic? Ozempic was initially injected to treat type 2 diabetes but has since been adopted as a

weight loss drug. It makes more sense than a facelift which is really NOT for me. I'm better than that. Or am I? Are you trying to raise your eyebrows? They're rooted to the spot! Okay, okay, fine. I've had a little work done, just a teeny weeny facelift and a knee replacement last week. Oh, what happened to your knee? Just had this weird gross lump on it. Turns out it was my kneecap. All knees have them and that's just what all knees look like.

Mmm, looks painful. I'm in complete agony. Ah, ow! This left knee is meant to bend backwards, right? Righty tighty, lefty loosey. Ow! This limo driver needs some kind of surgery. Brain surgery! Leading us on a merry dance down the rumpy-pumpy-bumpy scenic route.

Oh, we're going to be late for this launch. I can't let them down. This product means so much to me. No, it's because Abby's there. Alex, drop it. I told you that's not relevant. Well, does your audience mind that you're suddenly trying to sell them things? Well, they can do, and that's why you have to be really careful who you do business with.

If you make the wrong choice, things can go downhill and fast. If you align yourself with the wrong company, it can get cancelled. All the opportunities get taken away, and all the praise you once received turns into instant overwhelming hate. Driver, stop swerving man! I'm trying to enjoy my champagne. There's a bunch of fives quivering in my fist here. I don't need to worry about being cancelled. My ethics are on point and important to me, which is demonstrated by the next stop on my routine. I'm over at my favourite ethical coffee shop. It's 9am and I'm here to meet Toby.

He's an old acquaintance who thinks we're friends and has been begging to meet up with me since I shot to fame. Toby is a TikTok prankster who thinks he's also a comedian. I don't personally find him funny but unfortunately that's never seemed to stop him. Here's his latest TikTok. Toby here. My wife thinks I've gone to work but I've actually spent six hours hidden in our bedroom wardrobe. I'm ready to jump out and give her the fright of her life. It's fine. He's not back from the office until six. He doesn't suspect a thing. Okay, if you say so. Come here you.

Hmm. That sounds weird. Okay, here I go. Aaaaaaahhhhhhh! Neil! What are you doing here? Toby, you promised to stop pranking me. Gotcha. Gotcha, good. The look on your faces. Well, bad news for him because unfunny TikToks aside, he's cancelled. I need to break to him in person when never speaking again.

Kath, is that you? You look different. Have you had a facelift? Thanks, I just had it done this morning. I can't move my eyebrows at all. That'll teach him. No, it's not that. Is your nose bigger? Like much bigger? Did you always wear big glasses and have a mustache? I'm in full disguise because I can't be seen in public with Toby. You can be counselled by association in this biz. I can't wait for the screen kill event later. Can I come? I could do one of my funny pranks before you come out. Please, I need work.

Don't tell anyone, but I think my marriage is on the rocks. Toby, you're not invited. Why not? Because I saw your post on Facebook. You're cancelled. Oh, it wasn't that silly thing about me drinking from a plastic cup, was it? People are really overreacting. It's just a drink at a party. They're not.

Plastic is extremely problematic. It's killing our planet. It's incredibly insensitive. But you're drinking from a plastic straw right now. That's not the same. No one cares about straws. Everyone knows that paper ones are useless. I'm sure this cups thing will all blow over.

People are making mountains out of molehills, aren't they? You're cancelled, Toby. Accept it. Please. You wouldn't just drop an old friend like that, would you? You wouldn't be so cold, so heartless, to leave your old pal Toby in his time of need. Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm overreacting.

Let me just consult with the PR team in my head. Well, Cat, it is important to be loyal to your friends. To show nuance. To take context into account. And to allow people to learn from their mistakes instead of shaming them. Which are all the things we would be saying if we were a dogshit PR team. But we're not. We're so good.

Cut him loose. Get him gone. Kill him if you have to. So, Cat, what do you say? I've taken a moment to think about it and I have come to my decision. Ah! What the hell? Did you just spit at me?

You disgust me! Never contact me again! I'm leaving. If anyone in here filmed me spitting at Toby, airdrop me the footage, that will do big numbers in my feed. It's green for God's sake! Engage your accelerator man! We'd be quicker on foot.

Oh, so you can hear me. Roll down your window, coward, and say that to my face, how dare you! Right. You've had it now my boy come here come on there you can out I'm at the wheel back on. We'll be there in no time. Alex, that was brutal. I could say the same for you. Wasn't that coffee with Toby a little harsh?

You spat in a man's face just because he drank from a plastic cup. He cried. Yeah, well, better safe than sorry in this game, Alex. Cancellation is contagious. But what about nuance? No, no such thing. It's black or white, you're either good or bad. Oh right, well that's nice and simple then. So, now that's sorted and you've thrown a father of four to his almost certain death, can you please focus on the road? He was a father of four? Alex! I was just about to explain to people how relatable I am. Stop whining and drive my beautiful limousine! My in-head PR team were worried that I've lost touch

with the common man, so you're about to hear the first meeting of my entirely normal writer's room. I have filled it with normal people so that I, Kat Zadler, can study their bang average energy, just like a normal person would do. I've scoured the country and found some of the biggest normos in our society, and then I dismissed them for some of the most medium normos

because they're ultimately more normal. Among them we've got an underpaid nurse. Hi, sorry, this is a writer's room. I thought I was here to remove stitches from your facelift. Welcome! We've got a cheeky cockney chimney sweep. Hi! No, no, no, no, no, no, sweetie, I'm a performer who's playing a chimney sweep from the West End production of Mary Poppins. I'm glad I was that convincing though. And best-selling author Sally Rooney. Yeah, why am I here exactly?

You literally wrote the book on normal people. I need a new agent. Right, you average Joes, I've got to put an Insta post out ahead of the Screenkill event tonight and it needs to look more relatable than Einstein's theory of relatability. Don't you mean relativity? No. Okay team, what's this post gonna be?

Maybe you could fall over? Like Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars? People love that. Yes. Yes, we're cooking with gas, okay, I like it. If there's one thing people love, it's seeing a successful woman getting taken down a peg or two. That'll teach you for trying. Anything else? Perhaps you could eat a cheeseburger. Real messy style. Make yourself seem like a true commoner. I love that. Anything else? Rooney? Hit me, baby? People really like that photo of Paddington and the Queen? I don't think that was a photo.

We're on fire! We're so close! This is really gonna fly with my core demographic. What is your core demographic? Oh, I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. Brown hair, five-six, very offline, perfect smile, fit. Sounds like you're describing Abby. I am not! What a ridiculous thing to say! Someone's been inhaling too much chimney. Don't disrespect method acting, it is an art.

Speaking as a medical professional, I agree, it sounds exactly like Abby. Well, I'm glad you're underpaid. Get out! Yeah, maybe you need to work through this Abbey stuff. Oh, what do you know about complex emotional relationships? Well, I did write normal people. Oh, we get it! You're a successful woman! Can you stop banging on about it? All of you, get out! Useless! Wait, nurse, come back. Can you look at my knee?

It's bending backwards. I can kick my own face lift. Ah, okay. So that's why you posted an image of you falling into a cheeseburger in front of the Queen as Paddington walked you off to heaven. Don't act like we've not all been there, Alex. It's relatable stuff. It is, it is. I must admit, it is. I'm looking at it right now. I think there's an awful lot going on. Should you be looking at it while driving? I don't see why not. Oh, help! Crikey!

Oh my god, are you okay? I'm not sure. The airbag didn't open. Not you! There you are,'t open. Not you! Oh, there you are Mr Phone. Thank goodness! Alex, you nearly damaged my phone! You could have really hurt my brand. Right, well, I guess we're walking to the venue. It's fine.

I've got them to delay my speech. Now I just have to write and learn a speech. Gosh, it's a lot of upkeep isn't it? Being successful online. Yeah, but it's worth it. I now have the perfect online brand. But are you happy? Sorry, how is that any of your business? What a personal question! I suppose you want to see my psychiatric reports and fourth-second opinions and the minutes from my crisis line too.

Wipe your neck in your metal-sommel coat. Oh, I worry for you, Cat. I really do. You're so concerned with how you're perceived by other people. You're forgetting about the most important person. Happy. No! You! You're not happy. Happiness is for the weak. No happiness till lunch. Are you crying?

No, there's just the eczema leaking out. Okay, time to wipe it off, we're here. Kat! Kat! Kat! Cover me Alex, I don't trust them to use the right filters. Come on, coat over my head like I'm a nonce in court. It's two minutes before my big speech. I'm about to become the face of Screenkill, my biggest and only brand partnership. I've worked tirelessly for this moment, achieving maximum authenticity.

I'm ready. I just have got to stay focused and not get stra- Abby? Oh, hey Kat. I'm so surprised to see you here. You don't look surprised. Your eyebrows are hauntingly stationary. So good to see you. What have you been up to?

If your socials are to be believed, you've done nothing since series one. Or as normal people call it, since we broke up. You'd have been so good in the writers' room. I ditched my phone. I don't believe in that stuff anymore. Ditched it? So how do you see everyone's posts? You know what this event is about, right? What you're about to be the face of? This is about the dangers of screen addiction and getting off your phone. Yeah, but everyone says that.

I thought people took social media breaks for attention. I didn't realise they actually go through with it. When my last phone broke, I spent 48 hours in the Apple Store just scrolling the display models. If they're such geniuses, why didn't they understand the phrase, I'm just browsing, give me some space? Anyway, I'm babbling on, probably because you're such good company and we have such a connection.

Yeah, I should really get back to work. I've got to introduce you in a sec. Good luck with your speech. Thanks, love you. You what? I said thanks, bye. Oh no, no, no, I don't have insurance. What funny thing is officer,

I suppose I'd have to describe it as a hijacking. Hang up Alex. But wait, I've got... She's seen nothing. Who? Abbey! She's not been online. She hasn't seen any of my posts. All that work, my three pillars of authenticity, completely got to wasting. And there I was thinking you've done it all for yourself.

Oh bog off Alex, it's time for my speech. APPLAUSE Thank you all for coming to the launch of Screenkill. Please give a warm welcome to Kat Sadler, who is going to demonstrate the brand new Screenkill Lockbox. What's a lockbox? I really need to start reading these invite emails properly. Ahem. Uh, screen kill is a cause very close to my heart.

I have always believed that screens should be dead. Hang on. Abby, I think you're also accused broken. Is saying I now slide my phone into the box? You do. You're the face of the company. Well, of course. Right. So as I slide my phone into this box... Hmm, that's

weird. My hand seems to have seized into a tight claw around the phone. Oh well, can't force it. Anyway, I am delighted to be a brand ambassador for Screenkill and look forward to many years of... You know what? Forget the speech. This is completely against my instincts, completely off-brand. And I've gone off-brand for you, Abby. It was always for you. Er, so are you going to put your phone in the box? I am madly in love with you, and the time has come for me to say something. Are you getting down on one knee? Or doing the splits?

No, I'm on both knees. The left one just bends backwards. Abby, I'm begging you. Will you get back with me? Cat, wow. That's a big gesture. Well, what do you say? Shall we give it another go? Hand over your phone. I'd rather not. If you like me, do it.

Okay. As long as I can have it right back. Wait, what are you doing? I'm putting it in the lock box. This will be good for you. Screen kill activated. Firm locked. Ha ha ha, this is very funny.

It's classic Cat and Abby. We always have such a laugh. Can I have it back? You won't be seeing your phone for a long time. Well, it was worth it for you. For us. I'm so glad we're back together now. Bye Cat. I hope you get the help you need. I can't believe Abby would do that to me, Alex.

Well, at least you learned that happiness is the most important thing. I've learned nothing. I've got no abbey, no limo, no hope and no phone for... seven hours and twenty three minutes. Seven hours? That says days. What? Oh. That's funny for it. I just thought you said days.

Yes, it's seven days and twenty three hours. Can you throw me into traffic please? No! Those days are thankfully behind me. Aren't I awful? Kat! Kat! I know her! Kat! Toby, what are you doing here? You know I can't be seen with you. I really thought you were joking but you were right. It hasn't blown over at all. I've been cancelled. They wouldn't even let me in. Well, that's what you get for being cancelled. I guess you would know. What do you mean? You haven't seen the news, have you?

What are you talking about? Oh, this is delicious. You really don't know, do you? You're cancelled. What? You got caught drinking from a straw. You're done for, mate. But... people have new ones. They wouldn't do this to me. There's a grey area. It's not black or white. Don't think so. You're on the news and everything. It's happened. How the mighty have fallen.

Guess there's room for two in the gutter. It can't be. No! No! No! No! Cat Sadler's Screen Time has been thrown into controversy after footage emerged of the star engaging in a heinous act. Drinking from a plastic straw, you'll be hearing from heartbroken fans. I can't believe it. She let me down. I'm cutting my ears off. Oh my god. I've been cancelled. Cat Sadler's Screen Time was written by Cat Sadler and Cameron Locksdale.

It starred Cat Sadler, Lizzie Davidson, Jason Forbes, Al Roberts, Abigail Weinstock and Alex McQueen. The producer was Gwyn Rhys-Davies and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. Hello, Russell Kane here. I used to love British history, be proud of it. Henry VIII, Queen Victoria, massive fan of stand-up comedians obviously, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, that has become much more challenging for I am the host of BBC Radio 4's Evil Genius. The show where we take heroes and villains from history and try to work out were they evil or genius. Do not catch up on BBC Sounds by searching Evil Genius if you don't want to see your heroes destroyed but if like me you quite enjoy it have a little search. Listen to Evil Genius with me,

Russell Kane, go to BBC Sounds and have your world destroyed.